Recently a reader emailed me about his ex-girlfriend.
“I’m at a total loss. She just expects to swoop back into my life and pick up from where we left off. If I so much as mention the problems which include her starting something with a guy at the office as well as a complex web of lies, it’s the silent treatment or accusing me of being a killjoy! I don’t know what to do…I want to believe that we can have a future. I was crazy about her. She says she’s missed me and that she still loves me but how can she expect me to just forget?” Anthony, 36, UK.
Welcome to the special world of people who make up the rules as they go along and bulldoze their way around your life with their terms. If you’ve found yourself with someone who stonewalls your attempts to discuss what ‘went wrong’ or just any discussion that requires them to have some awareness, accountability and responsibility towards you, plus they also seem to have an almost scary ability to disconnect from their actions and your upset, you’re with someone who operates liberally with a ‘reset’ button.
The ‘reset’ button in relationships is where the user seems to believe they have an ability to reset the relationship to whatever point that they feel most comfortable with, which is effectively like erasing the past.
With their assumptive, passive aggressive and outrageous attitude, they operate in a little bubble where they can run around doing and saying what they like and then bamboozle their way around your protests and requests to talk. These people don’t like ‘dwelling’ which is a codeword for basically thinking about, discussing, or doing anything that might cause them to connect with their actions and realise that they have behaved in less than a favourable manner to the people they are involved with. They don’t like to be challenged and will try to penalise you through sulking, withdrawal, and creating conflict so that you realise it’s not worth the aggravation and ‘give in’.
People who use reset buttons:
Disappear for periods of time and return unchallenged.
Leave you for someone else and then start calling you up or trying to see you behind their back.
Have zero respect for boundaries.
Have little or no empathy for you or others. They’re me, me, me, it’s all about me.
Make promises and then renege.
Only do things on their terms even when they pretend they’re meeting you half way or doing things ‘your way’.
Avoid discussions that will throw light on their actions.
Borrow and take from people and feel no need to return. These are the types of people that borrow money and make it ‘subtlety’ difficult for you to ask where it is.
Call/email/text/turn up on your doorstep after you cut contact.
Claim they don’t understand why you’re so mad at them or have a problem.
Expect to be taken back without question.
Expect to have their promises that they have changed to be accepted even though they refuse to acknowledge or accept what the issues were.
Share the burden of their behaviour by blaming everyone else but themselves for their actions. If they can’t blame people, they blame ‘obstacles’ that don’t exist.
Expect to be forgiven even when they have no intentions of being any different.
Have people to default or fallback on who will always be receptive to them. They flit around from person to person, group to group, and back and forth. They teach people over time that it’s not worth the conflict by trying to get them to understand what has happened.
Make you feel like you’re going mad by denying things have happened or even denying they’ve said something or accusing you of twisting it.
Believe that when people get back together, they don’t need to discuss ‘the past’ and that they should just be accepted back if their partners really ‘love’ them which conveys the message that people who love you don’t question your behaviour and accept it no matter how bad it is – which is not true.
Tell you ‘It’s in the past’ or ‘Stop bringing up old sh*t’ and then bring up the past themselves when they try to take cheap shots at your expense.
In the case of the reader Anthony, he needs to realise that it’s not about where they left off, which is where she cheated on him with someone from work – she’s back-peddling to the time before then, where she can pretend that things (or she) was great, and she has no desire to actually work through the problems that led to the demise of their relationship.
As I’ve said before:
If someone doesn’t understand what they did to cause you pain or to fracture or even break the relationship, there is nothing to stop them from causing you more pain.
Whilst I appreciate that none of us want to be ‘killjoy’s’ the reality is that any person worth their salt who wants an honest relationship and is prepared to be honest, knows that sometimes you have to have uncomfortable conversations, and that includes discussions where they may have to hold their hands up and admit they were wrong.
People with their finger hovering over the ‘reset’ button are dangerous.
If you keep pressing reset, you become disconnected from your actions and you’ll fail to connect the dots of your behaviour and not only realise the impact on others, but also what that means about you.
People who have ‘reset’ buttons are the types of people who say (and this is an actual quote that someone said to me recently) “I’ve thought about everything that’s happened. I know I’ve had problems with you, and that argument with X, and that whole thing with Y [and A,B,C,D,E,F,……etc – you get the idea], plus the problems at the various jobs….” and I held my breath thinking ‘Praise be!’ and they added, “but I realise it’s not me that’s the problem.”
These people operate in isolation which makes them short term thinkers who don’t think about the consequences.
They do what they want, when they want, and give themselves license to change the past to something more comfortable that suits them.
These are the same people who tell ‘This One Time in Bandcamp’ stories – sad tales of woe where they distort the real version of events and make themselves look like the wounded party.
A typical one is that guy that says he was crazy about this woman and that she broke his heart when she left him for someone else and she wouldn’t take him back. The real version of events is that he treated her badly, she got sick of him and left him, and refused to have anything to do with which then convinced him that he was crazy about her. So he kept calling, texting etc, begging for another chance, but she’d already moved on with a guy from work and married him and had a whole load of babies. And boohoohoo!
Don’t get things twisted and let someone like this screw with your mind. These are the types of people that will try and tell you the sky is brown when it’s blue. Another reader told me how her ex said something on email to her about getting back together and an hour later he denied it! Point blank!
Again, this is a boundaries thing. No-one should be able to come along and railroad you into some alternative reality where they get to run out of game credits and then just drop a few coins in and return back to the start of the level or even the start of the ‘game’, leaving you wounded and confused waiting for them to catch up – they’re not going to catch up.
When someone acts without love, care, trust, and respect, and then expects you to disregard their actions, they’re not someone who has your best interests at heart and will force you into an illusionary world because they’re never in reality. Decent people who don’t think you fell out the sky yesterday, will credit you with some intelligence and recognise that you can’t bluff, bully, and bamboozle your way back into a relationship if you expect it be a healthy one with a chance of it lasting. Don’t get drawn into their behaviour or over-rationalise it because these are tricky people who don’t feel enough consequences and that’s the only thing that you can do – ensure that there are consequences and that they are not allowed to just gloss over their behaviour if they expect to be with you.
If you’re not happy and are not at peace with whatever has happened, it means it’s unresolved and don’t allow them to downgrade what you feel. Call them on their behaviour and if they don’t like it, they can always flit somewhere else…
Your thoughts?
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oh lordy, ur describing my ex! classic quote from him upon reappearing to “reset” and then admitting he was actually living with someone else (again)…. “yes i lie but at least im honest about it”. it finally took an intervention order from the court to get him to stop contacting me… for now
Run away from these people AS FAST AS YOU CAN
““yes i lie but at least im honest about it” Hilarious! That’s a really dangerous mindset he has. He’s the type of person who lets himself off the hook even though he doesn’t realise that the honesty comes after he has already told you the lie and let you believe.
Going back to more verbal abuse, not that all of these people are abusers, but there is an actual term called “crazymaking.” I dated a guy who did the same thing, not only did he not “want” to discuss what happened he magically “forgot” or “did not remember” every saying or doing the bad things he did when I brought them up and asked how we would prevent them from happening again… It was all I am crazy about you, you are the greatest. Then switch to break up number two where I said “I thought you were crazy about me and I was the greatest woman you ever met” and know what he said “I have no recollection of ever having said that and have no idea why I would have because I never felt that way.” You start to lose your sense of reality, fear you made it up, or have gone insane. It’s really nice to come here and see that this is a pattern for other people.
Well he’s playing with your mind. This is why it’s important to have your own moral compass and personal security because when you have these, no-one can come along and tell you stuff and then pretend it’s not so. Manipulative little git!
OMG….that was my ex to a tee, every single trait was him. No wonder I felt like I was losing my mind. Its mind boggling to see it in black and white, really puts things in perspective. This post has given me the push I need to break free of my sadness and to get back to my journey to a healthy heart/mind/soul.
i feel the same way maryc – this site & all its info has changed my life. mandatory reading for all my gfriends
This is why it’s so important to keep it real. If you have boundaries and are not dining off illusions, when they start pulling these stupid moves, alarm bells will ring and you’ll want to run.
This is the most amazing post yet. Did you meet my ex? You are describing him 100%.
Honestly, you’d think they’d all been reading the same playbook 😉
i also had my ex beg me via phone, text, and in person to get back together for over a few weeks straight….and then sent me an email denying that he wanted to get back together me just a couple hours after i told him that it wasn’t going to happen. ridiculous doesn’t even begin to describe these people. once again, you hit the nail on the head. i love checking my email to see a new “baggage reclaim” article notification! i’ve already learned so much from you. thanks.
I think that this just goes to show how deluded these guys can be. How can someone be begging you via various means and then think he can just erase the past? A real bully! Glad you told him to beat it!
“If someone doesn’t understand what they did to cause you pain or to fracture or even break the relationship, there is nothing to stop them from causing you more pain.”
This should become a neon billboard that flashes across every woman’s window the minute she even THINKS about reconnecting with a guy who ever made her worry or cry.
I had a 4 year ‘relationship’ with a classic ‘reset button’ man. What a joke. It was ALL about him – and not about me, and since he wouldn’t talk about it without coy evasions and innuendo promises, I was left HOPING for a perfect future We all know how THAT turned out! Meh and worse.
However, as NML points out, it comes back to us as having to be clear on what we are seeing from the get-go, not romanticising it, and having boundaries that put a halt to something where the bad memories outnumber the good by 5 to 1 – or 10 to 1 , or 100 to 1.
Don’t let someone pull a ‘reset’ on you. Instead, say no and mean it. There is a HUGE differenc between someone who communicates and understands their mistakes, takes responsibility for them and consistently SHOWS you they have changed — and someone who just thinks showing up and intimidating you into not asking for clarification is enough to make you open up your heart, your arms – and your legs!
I’ve accepted ‘reset’ behavior – and never did it do anything but remind me that I should have known better.
People that hurt you can’t – if I stop hurting myself by not continuing to let them in my life.
I have the power. NOT the reset guy who was never enough into me anyway or he wouldn’t have walked away.
Now we’ll see how smart I am and if I follow my advice when the next guy shows up.
I did however turn down a man I’d beeen casual platonic friends with for 3 years, a married man who yesterday who said his wife was okay with having an open marriage and he ‘cared about me’.
I told him that wasn’t my idea of caring.
I told him that even though I wasn’t in a romantic relationship now, that wasn’t my idea of a good subsitute in the meantime.
I don’t care if he tries to ‘reset’. The door isn’t open to someone who thinks behavior like that is okay.
Now then, it was easy to do because I wasn’t attracted to him.
I wionder if I could/would have been that smart if I’d found him incredibly attractive.
THAT is the real test.
How bad do I believe in myself and want to be loved in a healthy way — or put up with unavailable or ‘rest’ guys and then complain about it?
.-= Aurora´s last blog ..Breakthrough =-.
Incredibly wise words as always. I think the problem with people with ‘reset’ buttons is that you end up deviating from who you are and doing stuff that is really inconsistent with your values and other aspects of your life. This is how we can become isolated. When you do love yourself in a healthy way, which takes time, you will gravitate to stuff that reflects that x
Unfortunately, this is my BF as well. I need to be strong do not feel guilty and move on for the sake of my sainity. I am so much confused and at a loss so do not know any more what is good and what is bad.
My long-lost AC was a champion resetter. His favorite three were
1) “I didn’t say that – you misheard me.”
2) “I may have said that, but if I did, I misspoke.”
and 3) “Well, I DID say that, but circumstances have changed.”
He would follow any of those three with, “I’m sorry you’re upset” (which is NOT the same thing as “I’m sorry I f*cked up and upset you”), and then finish up with a variation of, “But you’re really important to me, so… friends?”
NC for 25 months. My life is awesome, especially without having to cope with that tool. AND I get the satisfaction of knowing I was one of the only people to give him clear consequences for being an AC.
Yes, I think I’m the case where he said how happy he was we were trying again & how promising things were then an hour later he texted to say I had twisted his words and actually he had never even agreed that we were back together. Our whole relationship was him convincing me that I was constantly criticising him & to the point, he’d get upset if I laughed because he thought I was laughing at him. Even though I’d apologise & explain I wasn’t laughing at him or criticising him, he’d have me convinced even that I was somehow subconsciously using a mean tone etc. He’d also deny or forget things, like when I asked why he said I twist his words, ge said he can’t think of any examples so of course I couldn’t argue with him. Ge had me convinced I was the bad person buts it’s only now that I can see that this was a form of controlling me. I was too scared to ever get upset or enforce boundaries or even laugh so he got all the control. Plus, I spent a lit of time reassuring him of my love for him & ego boosting in defence of his claims of imaginary insults!
These people love creating drama and chaos! That’s where they get their high and feel alive from and at the same time they get their feeling of being in control by having the ability to send you into a tail-spin of confusion. Whilst you’re in that state, they can also get their ego boost, validation and self-worth by you spending your time trying to convince them of something e.g. you care (‘she must really care then to put in all this effort and still put up with me, inspite of everything’) or by apologising for something you haven’t done (in fact, they’re the one that did something to you but have flipped the script on you).
Yes, they get a lot of value out of the drama. It works a treat for them. It’s just that at the time we have no clue.
Worse yet, the liars with the reset button are mostly just BAD drama. Like you are in a movie that is 85% – 95% bad, and yet you keep watching it hoping it will get better.
Troya, all I could think reading your post was…dang that does NOT sound like a good time. Getting away, then looking at it from the outside … is the only way to go with these clowns.
Superb post, Natalie. If I could favorite this one I would.
I agree. This was a great post. I’m in no contact now. It is hard with the parent of your child. I don’t miss the drama and drinking. He acts like a college student and he is 50. I actually hate the very site of him and I hate hearing his voice. I’ve spent thirteen years being made to feel crazy and having the reset button pushed on me. I’m done with that !!!! It is great to have standards and boundaries back in my life. The knew respect for myself is spilling over into all areas of my life. Life is better !!!
As usual, this article is incredibly insightful and pinpoints the mindset of a certain type of person. My ex’s character ticked every one of those boxes. I reiterate what others have said before me. It is like these people share the same DNA.
My ex would phone up begging and pleading for us to be together because I was the love of his life. BUT when I wanted an explanation for and to deal with WHY the latest bizarre, irrational and ‘crazy-maklng’ behaviour had even occurred at all! (which all in itself amounted to abuse)…. you could feel his complete uncomfortableness even on the phone. You could feel him squirming under the collar. You could feel the the inner resistence immediately. You could feel that he felt totally uncomfortable with facing and confronting his own behaviour which would be a mirror to show him who he actually was. He couldn’t deal with that! And you could feel it all the way.
He reaction would be ‘I didn’t come on the phone for this…. I just simply called to see how you are’ or ‘It’s past now, why do you like to dwell on the past? Why can’t you move forward? Get over it!’ or ‘That was then, this is now…..I’ve changed’.
NML got it so right….. it is ‘past’ for them when they don’t want to deal with their level of uincomfortableness and connect with the reality of their ugly behaviour. However, some mere seconds later when it suits them, the past seems very relevant when they want to take you on a soppy trip down Memory Lane about specific good moments you shared that happened…..wait for it…….IN THE PAST!
This is where you see examples of their conflicts and their instability. This is where you see examples of their me, me, me behaviour and their inability to take you into account. This is where you see examples of their ‘disconnect’. This is where you see examples of them wanting to run the situation, from whatever angle, on THEIR terms.
When you are involved on some level with someone like this, there is NOTHING there for you. That’s why you will always feel empty and unfulfilled because there is no ‘real’ connection.
great post NML!!!! Especially for women who are still secretly hoping that their assclown crawls back to them. Even if he would, how would he? By pressing the reset button.
The stupid never forgives nor forget.
The naiv forgives and forget.
The wise forgives but doesn’t forget!
I loved this post! Yet again, NML you have given me the strangest feeling that you have secretly been filming a documentary of my life for the last year. The disconnect & reset guy will absolutely make you think you are loosing your mind. Mine liked to say… “Well, I Meant it when I SAID it” like that was supposed to excuse the most blatant and vile misleading deception that it has ever been my displeasure to experience. Of course he wanted to meet for drinks and share a few laughs and “hug it out” only two weeks later. No Contact has saved my sanity. Thanks!
The ex-EUM used to hit the reset button a lot. The first time I was so relieved that we were getting back together again I didn’t press him to discuss what when wrong in the first place. I told him how I felt and he appeared to listen. In between he denied doing/saying certain things which made me doubt myself. Anyway, he made contact, so I figured he was sorry and wouldn’t hurt me again. (I was projecting as usual, because that’t what I would do if it were me) Sorry not! It was more of the same ill-treatment. Repeat this cycle about 5 times, with me loudly protesting his behaviour.
When I wanted to discuss anything, he said it was my attitude that caused him to behave like that. If I reacted and became angry at his treatment of me, I was the root of the relationship problems. Everything was on his terms. He was extremely ‘busy’, and this was one of the reasons that I had ended it. I asked him in a loving way how we could spend more time together and he went ballistic! He told me that he would call me “when it was convenient to him.” Yes he did. Then he said I misunderstood and then later denied it.
Re-set men have no empathy and it’s all about them. I was ill and he disppeared for 6 months. Sure, he checked in sporacidcally, but if I mentioned something he didn’t like he was gone with the wind. When I called him out on this, dude started moaning about how he hurt his finger and blah blah blah. I showed concern becuase that’s what couples do. He lapped it up and didn’t bother to ask about me or my illness. No compassion.He said I was crazy and told me to stop digging up the past and to get over it. He said I was nuts and to get help. Well, I took his advice, and my therapist told me to ditch him!
To Anthony and all the readers experiencing ‘re-set’ behaviour’ run away and don’t look back. Flip the script on these people. Learn a little bit from their behavior and apply it to them so you can heal. Did they have a habit of not calling you? Then you don’t call them either, but this time for GOOD. Did they disppear on you? Well, so can you, but this time forever. Did they like to pretend? Well, do it back to them! When they come around trying to get back with you, ask them “Do I know you? Who are you?” and deny ever being involved with them and cut contact for good.
Yes, yes, yes….. and more yes!!! Yes to every word you said Liberty Belle!
Did we have the same guy:)))
“When I wanted to discuss anything, he said it was my attitude that caused him to behave like that. If I reacted and became angry at his treatment of me, I was the root of the relationship problems. Everything was on his terms. He was extremely ‘busy’, and this was one of the reasons that I had ended it. I asked him in a loving way how we could spend more time together and he went ballistic! He told me that he would call me “when it was convenient to him.â€
Counter their Reset button with an Eject button.
I loved and bookmarked this post! NML, you’ve just described EVERY man I’ve ever been with. I’ve been mindphucked by this behavior more times than I’d like to admit, because I read their desire for a fresh start as a validation for me, but in retrospect it was all to feed their bottomless egos and selfish needs. And… my need to feel validated by the same brutes who invalidated me in the ‘relationship’. Both parties, the respective men and myself acted with utter disregard to what it was doing to me. No mas.
The psychological term for this “crazymaking” is called “gaslighting”. I recommend watching the 1944 movie “Gaslight” with Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman. It really sheds some light on the subject!
Outstanding movie. A great example of one kind of crazy-making behavior: playing tricks on the victim’s mind and memory with facts that the victim has personal knowledge about!
Crazy-making behavior can also encompass situations where the abuser plays with the victim’s mind and memory regarding matters of which the victim does not have personal knowledge, e.g., situations where the victim has tons of circumstantial and “friend testimony” evidence that the jerk is cheating, but the jerk denies it and even says that the gathered-evidence and/or witness-friend is “wrong” or crazy”.
Dangerous dealing with people who play with facts!
Remember, the two things NO ONE in this world can deny are:
1. Facts; and:
2. How a person feels about certain facts.
No one can argue with facts, and no one can tell you how to feel about anything!
@ Used
This is bang on. The X-EUM forgot my birthday and then proceeded to tell me when my birthday really was. For good measure, he said that I had told him so. Gee, doesn’t he think I’d know my own birthday? These men really are dangerous.
Oh, I identify with this post so much. When I tried to discuss something or say we need to work on this, he would just say, “here comes the drama” or “busting my chops again.” Completely in denial that anything was wrong, and if I brought it up, I was the bad guy. He was completely incapable of acknowledging some of the truly heinous things that happened, and I got confused and took way too much responsibility for everything. It was an awful dance. We broke up and got back together, and I suggested counseling or really trying to discuss what brought on the break up. But no, why did I always have to “workshop” everything, can’t we just be and pretend it never happened?
I was enmeshed for a long time, but I really feel like I’m finally pulling out of it. And it is such a gift!
Thanks for the wonderful post and all your insightful comments, they help so much.
Great great post. I have read here for a year or so trying to understand and get away from a frustrating relationship.. and this post is one of my favorites. The thing that is so weird is that until you truly experience a crazymaker, especially the “poor me” type, you probably will not believe that this kind of con could exist and you can be completely sucked in, unawares.
So, you kinda have to go through it to know about it..and that sucks. Even though I feel blessed that I did not get romantically involved with a guy who called me his best friend,.. the fallout – the hurt, the shock of his deception and my capacity for illusion.. all the crazy drama was just the same all along the way.
I think the reset button happens to these people because it is hard for humans to deal with things that scare them. But with the real emotionally immature people it’s emotions that scare them…. so, if you choose to try to know them all you are in for is a long and confusing ride on a big train named Avoidance. I also call this Emotional-Lite and it is a very frustrating way to try to know another.
If I ever encounter this behavior I will recognize it immediately and make sure it is swiftly dealt with. By not calling people on their crazymaking stuff we do give them the green light to continue with it, sadly, at our own expense.
OMG, I swear you just described my ex AC. From point A to B in this article. Even the example you gave of how wounded they sound at the beggining to sound like they were the good person in the relationship. He actually told me: “My ex of 4 years cheated on me, I found her with another man” And when I asked why do you think she would do that to you? He said:
“Probably what I was offering wasn’t enough”
Geez you think? Not so, most likely she was the one who got fed up with the whole situation and left, yes for a better man. Good for her!!
And once I asked him: “why were you ignoring me?†He said: “I wasn’tâ€
Talk about feeling like you are going crazy. See this way I would just shut up and not keep questioning because how could I argue something he said he didn’t?
He is insane and was making me one too!! thank god i am out!!
and my very favorite: “I say a lot of things but I don’t really mean themâ€
I totally agree, I didn’t know what drama was like until i met him, almost a year and counting to recover from this traumatic experience. Mine also was an expert on trying to avoid bringing up his bad actions.
Thank you so much Natalie!!! How greatly you discribed ” People who use reset buttons” , my AC used to do all these things, and I put up with his behaviour for two years and never really confronted him…NOW I changed, I do as he done in the past, I became an AC towards him!
Oh boy, how angry he is now, you cant even imagine, he keeps sending me messages like: “Dont you mess me around”…Its make me laugh! The reason I am laughing now, because I was so hurt in the past few weeks, that I decided let him go and start to concentrate on me and my future!
This is so accurate as usual, and like the rest of you have said describes the AC in my life perfectly. It’s not only their love life that they ‘reset’, don’t know if any of you noticed the same thing, but the AC had almost no sense of his own history, really couldn’t remember when things happened to him or in what order things happened. It really was most peculiar, we’re not talking trivial things, things like a parent’s death, his children’s births…
I’ve since realised that this is partially because these people
can’t be bothered to expend what little emotional energy they possess on anything that doesn’t benefit them right now. So past events are just written off, so much less taxing on them!
It certainly is ‘crazymaking’ seeing as most of us don’t operate this way and find it totally bewildering to come across someone who does. I sometimes wonder what it’s like being like them – a very strange internal life for sure.
Hi NML and ladies,
I actually welled up in tears reading this because 1). I finally felt validated with my feelings and 2). It brought back really awful memories
For me I slowly watched this guy take back any promise and change any expectation he had set up. He expected me to go from working towards huge goals of saving, moving out together and so forth to just being two people dating with no expectations. I was made to feel guilty for feeling hurt, angry or upset and expected that now this is just the way things are, so what’s the problem? It’s only now that I realise I was being bullied and forced into doing things on his terms and if I didn’t I was punished with him withdrawing and taking away the relationship altogether, I felt helpless, unhappy, trapped and confused by what had happened to my once lovely partner? So I held onïŒ. Then when he dumped me over practically nothing, he blamed me and took no responsibility. He then insisted we be friends and expected that now I should just be able to go from a very close relationship to friends. I just sat there in pain, confused to the point of stand still. I felt like someone just put me in a cage, locked it and walked away. I tried the friendship thing and in this time I wasn’t aloud to discuss the relationship, if I broke down and tried to reach out he would be to busy to talk. Sorry I was aloud to discuss it once and he half heatedly sat there giving me some quick answers like” oh it just got so hard, I guess I just grew out of love, I guess I don’t know what I want” Yet the week before he had begged me to hold on and wait for him. Nothing seemed to make sense to me or feel logical in any way so that meant I had many answered questions. Its hard to see any logic in a mans actions that would go one week from being so in love, everything was perfect, you’re the best and everything is perfect to I’m unsure, about you, me and everything and everything is wrong. Also the fact that I had put my whole self into the relationship, so much time, effort and money, to have it just thrown away with out much explanation broke me and infuriated me, it was like it meant nothing to him and im afraid I think that’s unacceptable behaviour to waste peoples time like that. One of the things he said was he had “evolved past the relationshipâ€. Which I thought was a cruel thing to say and a crock of crap. I hardly think anyone who can’t even connect their own feelings and own up to their own mistakes and issues can evolve past anything. He also kept repeating ” I just cant be in this relationship, at least not right now” Which I also thought was cruel because while I tried the friendship thing I was kind of led to believe that there was some sort of hope due to the at least “right now” line. Basically going from partners to friends was suppose to be just expected and I was made to feel almost less sophisticated and have no intelligence for the fact that I could not just move forwards like that. I was so confused and hurt and in shock that the person I once thought was so caring was acting cold and disconnected. In that friendship he proceeded to rule over me, everything was on his terms, I jumped through hoops and he continued to give false hope, lie and treat me like shit for good measure. That when I decided, no more! I took off and then I found this site which helped me do what I had started, which was the NCR.
6.5 months apart and 3.5 NCR. Even with NCR this idiot harassed me with emails, texts, trying to get in my face at work, trying to play idiotic games, tried to force me to start a friendship with him by using his family as collateral. He was still trying to make things on his terms and in his way and hold a grip over me. He used things like saying I was immature and a child for not talking to him and to grow up!!
Gosh, how dare I try to move on and find peace, right?
Finally after me telling him to back off 3 weeks ago, he has started leaving me alone in the last three weeks
I have to work with this moron and each time I see him instead of feeling so hurt that I didn’t no how id even get through the day, I think my god what a wanker, what did I ever see in it ! In fact im finally at that point where if im harassed again he will see a side of me that’s he has never seen. Because I no longer care, because I no longer want him back in any capacity he now has no control what so ever which means im more then happy to tell him a few home truths if he tried to harass me again and im more than happy to go to HR. Luckily for me everything pathetic thing he tries no longer hurts, it just pushes me away further and further and reminds me why I’m not with him.
God sorry about going on and on ïŠ I guess reading this really reminded me just how awful it felt being anywhere near him and im still unpacking and unravelling all the confusion this moron caused me, not much to go thanks to the hard work I’ve put in and knowing im not alone/crazy and getting tips and validation from this wonderful site.
Thank you again Nat, I hope you no just how much you have helped me and so many othersïŠ.
wow this sounds exactly like what I am going thru right now. And my heart and soul; are hurting so bad right now that I dont know what to think about my bf. what happened to the loving caring man that i used to know? every one of these posts that I am reading is just exactl what I am going thru right now and I cant seem to understand why he is going to such lengths to try and play mind games with me? I cal, him on it and he denies it. I have even caught him cheating on me and he denies it. . he then turns arround and accuse me of cheating on him etc when i have never done so in my life and talking about a control phreak omfg, i could go on and on. he even hit me one time so hard it knocked thw wind out of me and when i asked him why he did it he said he didnt do it, i ran into his fist. what a loser.
Do you think these people are addicts? I have been involved with two men like this in my life. One in my 20s, which ended quickly and permanently, and with some shock and awe; another, years later (I’m now 41) with a man who is, of all things, a police officer, who uses his strenuous job and kids (from a former marriage) as excuses for hitting “reset” for what I think is not just sexual infidelity but continuous and in-my-face emotional infidelity (via myspace, of all things!). Flirting with other women online, in the same evening he sends me urgent text messages of alarm and depression over his mistakes in life. He constantly apologises and asks for forgiveness, immediately after asking him to stop contacting me. My compassion (for what I know to be the genuine arduousness of his life or past) has its limits (as I am a breast cancer survivor, and he never asks me what I have gone through with that, nor what still faces me, in that regard) and I finally set my limits, with the NCR, spamming his email address. Not a violent guy, personally, but definitely a mind player, and selfish, maybe borderline narcissistic, but I really have no tolerance for it at this time in my life. My own feeling is..people like this are like drug addicts, and they like the initial “high” of relief of a relationship in which the woman (or “other”) gives them relief (emotional, sexual or otherwise), but then they retreat, or seek a new drug source (i.e. person/affair), in order to avoid dealing with themselves or their pain. I recommended this man seek therapy, and then ended contact. I don’t know if such people, after the age of 45, if gone untreated in the past, will improve without therapy of some sort (initiated by THEM, of course, since you can’t force a person to want to improve). Some do not want to be helped; they make “time” an issue for not helping themselves and staying in cycles even they know has left them abandoned. This man asked me for help, many times. But the last time he did that, claiming he was in fear of being alone for the rest of his life, with “meaningless relationships” that “mean nothing”, asking me not to leave, he was back on his web page, that evening, telling another woman how beautiful she was and …I didn’t need to know more. A drug addict, of any kind, is a drug addict, even if the drug leaves them empty and alone, even if the drug is their own denial and fantasy life.
Yes, great post and very helpful to me. My Emotionally Unavailable ”Ed the Assclown” was a reset button bullshit liar of a boyfriend who used reset constantly. He was married and I was stupidly waiting for him. He was promising we’d be together, to ‘be patient and wait’, ‘hold on for me’. After 3 years he finally left her (Ann in East Dulwich) and moved in with ”another woman” !! he literally pulled a new woman out of a hat. His first woman Ann virtually supported him and the second one is also funding him, so he can sit around and be an unemployed artist and paint. When I called him on his behaviour he said I was unreasonable for not allowing him time to heal and that he was ‘using’ this woman as a stop gap before coming to me. Talk about twisted-logic. I’ve read Natalie’s article on being the other woman to the other woman and cant believe I became that overnight.
These personalities are con men, they use women for their own games, have no love or empathy in them, and they learn a script that gets them what they want but it has flaws all the way through it. They lie and hide huge aspects of their pasts, they use evey trick and con to get their own way. Because we give people the benefit of the doubt they play on that over and over again to make their own gain.
Its shocking really, its abusive and I’m ashamed that I gave this guy so much good loving and attention.
Wow… If there are any reset buttons to be pushed I have to push the stay committed and devoted to my new healthy love patterns buttons.
I ain’t gonna lie
it is so very simlple but not easy, not easy at all. In fact it has been damn hard!
I have really been lamenting….. BUT I have maintained no contact even though up until a month ago it had not been honored.
Staying strong focused and adhereing to baggage reclaim proticol, has prevented me from relaps.
I have been studying this site like I’m working on a PHD or preparing myself for some top CIA mission. Being a fixer, overgiver and recovered fallbackgirl, it is all so perfectly clear why I had been unhappy and sometimes miserable in my relationships.
In my self talk, I may question and try to make excuses for contact but I immediately put the focus back on to myself. Remembering anything that I may have done or said that was healthy didn’t matter because of the individual I chose to relate to. Now it’s me, me, me.
If there are any reset buttons to be pushed it will be…
REMEMBER stick to the facts, no illusions, fairy tales are books and movies, he will not catch up to my skill set, and he will never ever…ever,ever…change.
BELIEVE IT!
OWN IT!
LOCK IT UP!
SHUT IT DOWN!
It is my turn now. . . I deserve to be happy. . . It is my right!
This article is just brilliant and fantastic! A perfect description in one spot. I too have book marked this article. You are such a fabulous and intelligent woman to take all of these manifestations and describe them so clearly.
It was him exactly except for the the borrowing of money. He has plenty of money on his own which he was very generous in providing gifts to appease any of his transgressions. Although he denied most transgressions, I still received gifts and support. It made me feel like a whore at times. A bought for babe on his arm. When I would approach him and tell him that it that it wasn’t the gifts that I wanted but the time and thought, (surprise!), he didn’t get it! He really actually tried using material gifts as a barometer to his commitment level to me. He actually wrote out to me every thing he had done for me, every gift, every vacation. I reminded him it was true that he was very generous, but he also dumped me several times during our 4 1/2 years, so how was I to find reassurance in that?
So many typical traits found in the article and following posts. Great examples of “Crazy Making” here are some of mine.
“I thought that when you you decided to enter counseling you had agreed to forgive and forget”
“it’s no big deal! So, I forget things some times. You are making a mountain out of a mole hill” This after forgetting a date he had made with me. My defining moment. The last straw. My epiphany.
“You owe me a huge apology.” After he spent the entire evening humiliating me by ignoring me and sitting having a conversation with another woman all because earlier I had voiced my disapproval of something, privately and within the confines of our hotel room.
He was never physically abusive. Mentally it took it’s toll. He pressed the “Reset button” one too many times. I allowed it but now I know better.
Thank you!
girls….u all deserve so much better than these ACs and EUMs. we absolutely must be committed to keeping our sanity and run run running away from this type of behaviour. and early!! dont be sucked in by the emotional game playing used to suck you back in with promises & lies. trust your gut, notice the red flags and dont make excuses for bad behaviour. they are incapable of loving anybody but themselves. natalie, ur literally a life saver. these people can be seriously damaging to your health… here is a great link on how to spot these narcissists http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/howto.html (tho i love this site best!) keep up the great work
“A typical one is that guy that says he was crazy about this woman and that she broke his heart when she left him for someone else and she wouldn’t take him back. The real version of events is that he treated her badly, she got sick of him and left him, and refused to have anything to do with which then convinced him that he was crazy about her. So he kept calling, texting etc, begging for another chance, but she’d already moved on with a guy from work and married him and had a whole load of babies. And boohoohoo!”
I have to wonder if these individuals are capable of change and reflection.. my ex AC once told me he was so damaged because his ex cheated on him with his best friend. Later on though, he told me he drove her to it. WEIRD
This article came at a very opportune time. When my EUM ended our relatonship last November (and not for the first time) I cut contact. However, he was very quickly back in contact – wanting to be friends. He explained he had apologised for his behaviour, the past was the past and there was nothing he could do about it and I had so many ‘amazing’ qualties he still wanted me in his life. I explained that although the past was the past, we had to try and learn from it, in order to stop repeating the same mistakes over again.
We have recently been in e mail contact – and he has thus far avoided any attempt to take responsibility for his actions.
I am entering a new phase of life – just starting a great new job and with a new focus – and I was just thinking about really whether it is wise to let EUM continue to e mail me several times a day – or not – whether it is wise to respond or phase contact out.
This article really gave me food for thought – it is absolutely spot on!
Kudos NML!…I’ve been reading your posts for over a year now and it’s been a validating and strong support system. This article is universal in whatever “toxic” relationship we may be encountering; be it a date/boyfriend, friend, sibling, co-worker, etc… We can choose not to enable or be victimized by them. We know the truth when we hear it (and feel it)…and I’ve found over and over again that the best way to deal with disrespect is “NOT TO”.
No one can “make” you do something you don’t want to do. This guy talks about his former girlfriend’s “silent treatment” and accusations when he tries to communicate with her, yet says in the same breathe: “I want to believe that we can have a future.”
Well, you can always have a future with someone; but is that the future he wants?
.-= Kat Wilder´s last blog ..Dating, unplugged =-.
I did this with a guy once in 1999. My dignity and self-respect was chiseled down to nothing by the time I completely and decisively dumped him and told him that I am through! Enough! I don’t have anymore self-respect left, I gave it all away to him, to the relationship and at that time, the idiot didn’t have a clue on what I was talking about because all he cared about was him!
He didn’t care that I was hurting!
He didn’t care that I was giving up so much for him!
He didn’t care that I was pretty much giving up work, friends, my own time,etc.
Bottom line, he didn’t care about anything except for him, himself and his penis.
That was a very valuable lesson that I’d learned and during my healing process, he tried to get back into my life and lashed out at him! We met in a vacant lot, public place so I can yell at him all I want where nobody can hear me giving him every single shit that he dished out.
He was hurt – booo-hooo. I was at that point that I didn’t give a flying fig about his feeling and that’s when I knew, I was done!
I hope everybody gets to this point. It’s liberating! I started my healing process from that day forward. Seeked a good therapist and gained my self-respect back.
I found your fantastic blog after 12years with one of these guys had left me sat with my gob open in the proverbial sea of tears wondering what on earth had gone on looking for the giant mouse.
Wow, it was not easy but with memorising your blogs, researching NPD and Parasitic personalities I am really getting quite good!
The first bamboozled me, but when 4mths later he sussed I was sniffing the ether looking at him sideways, he dumped and ran. Tried to come back a bit later, to which I said fine then layed down a load of contact rules which took his opportunities off him, needless to say I haven’t heard a peep since. Which is exactly what I wanted, jobs a good ‘un.
Now I’ve got it down to the first date! Yahoo! Seriously ladies……….once you get the hang of it your confidence goes sky high, you can smoke them out quicker than a rat with a cyanide gun.
The last one took 30mins over coffee. lol 😀
he knew I am quite a book worm being an artist (not the bowl of flowers kind, more the ‘ooooooooooo here comes the nazis again’ kind) his first statement having bought me coffee was that he didn’t like books, didn’t read books, didn’t see the need for books, hadn’t read in years and it never affected him in anyway. – now once upon a time I would have said to myself, fair enough don’t be a snob you’ve only just met who knows – NOW I see the challenge glove of disapproval he had just lay flat on the table to that which he KNOWS is one of my great loves. My antenna were UP BIG STYLIE
I have learnt with these guys every word is for a REASON and the REASON is to test your maliability – they are twisted.
So – this time I laughed, said I find it bizarre in this privileged world that with all the free libraries etc to hand that someone who appeared as intelligent as he did not read and that I find that a bit of a travesty. He tried to correct me ( THIS IS KEY ) they will ALWAYS correct you, even as to whether you should have sugar in your capuccino or not, they always know best, what best for you even as a complete stranger…………snore.
Anyways to save face he got up to leave first and went out the front door of the cafe, i deliberately dallied just 30secs or so, then went to the nearest most convenient door to me which was a side door – I DID NOT FOLLOW HIM – then I stood in the pavement smiling warmly so he had to walk towards me to say goodbye. He saw the smile and came to which I warmly grasped his hand for a big friendly handshake, thanked him for his time, said it was a pleasure and wished him a good day just before smiling at the sunbeam and walking away home. I threw him a smile over my shoulder and carried on down the road.
10-20-30-40 secs – beepbeep – text – the man is INCENSED! That he was treated like a stranger with no effect on me nor that his words meant anything. I politely answered that I didn’t think we were suited as our priorities are at cross purposes – he went for the jugular, I was ugly anyway, I was an opinionated bitch the list went on.
My point being is at first you get sucked in but you learn how to get rid, as you learn what the type looks like you can also learn how to safely press their buttons to get them to react asap, then see who they are exactly asap and save yourself an awful lot if not dangerous time. :))
Thank you Natalie! You’re a star! xx
i had such pleasure reading this post. throwing down the challenges to test our malleability…so true in hindsight. now i have better foresight. after a while i asked my manipulator, “are you testing me?” to which he answers clearly and quickly. “yes.” at first i chuckled thinking he was using that wit of his. then when i saw his bright eyes and face with the expression of “may i help you?” i knew he was serious as a heart attack. it was at this point i started looking very hard at him.
and what started it all was the fact he couldn’t stand to have a woman on this earth that didn’t want him nor find him THAT attractive. i was a challenge. not a person but a conquest.
Smartnow–
Outstanding. Truly outstanding. I love it! And never ever doubt yourself–you are on the right path.
PlanB–
That is a nice summary of how they act when you catch them working their evil–yes, evil–ways.
I truly think that they act like this because they were fooled once by a bad woman. So now that they have been bitten, they do the biting.
Also, these guys have ego and self-esteem issues. They don’t act like real men…AT ALL. Sad, really.
So how did it end? Probably ugly.
used–yes, it ended very ugly. and not long ago. he instigated a situation in which i was physically attacked by a woman he had JUST met. i was punched in the chin. good thing she was a lightweight. he did nothing to protect me. he just said, “my father was probably right about me–i will never commit to you.” he had endangered my health and sanity. i am still finding out things i don’t want to know. i can’t handle any more truth.
i am safe (somewhat) and healthy according to the complete std panel i had taken. i am alone in this small town in which he has lots of friends and family. i am still shocked that i had THAT piece of trash up in my house and, pardon my bluntness, up in me as well. i sick up in my mouth now when i think of it. a pretty face and body. a sharp mind. and real manly skills all wasted on this man. his ego and delusions of grandeur know no bounds.
he said he wanted to “keep me.” stupid me thought that meant to love and make a home with, as he had also said. he wanted to keep me bamboozled until i was so much into him that i could not let go.
as i have said, the only recompense is that his use of me was brief–only five months. we didn’t hang out every day, as he said he wanted to take it slow. hey, i am all for slow. he told me he was with family in his spare time, helping his father and brothers build things and prep properties for living.
he was really out “partying” and gambling and whoring. eeek! i was so stupid and trusting. i don’t think i will be able to take someone’s word for it any more.
yes, it ended ugly. there is nothing more sobering than to watch a man hate rejection so much, and to have his REAL self brought into the light, that he would have me hurt, emotionally and physically. his words of love, his tender moments with me, were a game. i bet his time twisting MY mind was the most fun and satisfaction he had had in a long time. i know my worth. i am a cut above the rest, like we ladies here at this site are. for just a moment i forgot my worth. but it is as the boss lady of this site says (in paraphrase) “a man will treat you any ole’ way you let him.”
this was not how my first go at love was supposed to be after grieving for over four years after losing my husband. i have the shame of dishonoring my husband’s memory to contend with.
OMG! How fabulously vindicating! I struggled to understand my married, reset button-pushing, assclown EUM for ten years—thanks to NML and a few short months of her tutorials, I can now say that he’s my EX-assclown EUM.
What a joke that ten year “relationship” proved to be. We lived a thousand miles apart and rarely had the chance to see each other. But, due to our “true love,” (read, I go out of my way to meet him, pay for hotels and meals, on days and weekends that were convenient to his schedule), we managed a couple of weekends together every year.
Imagine my happiness at being able to spend two weeks together last summer as I attended a conference in his hometown. Since he was now separated from his wife (for reasons of geography, not intent), he promised he’d be with me every night of the fourteen. I was ecstatic as I arrived at the conference … and then could not believe as he began to renege…
—Traffic was really bad
—He was too tired
—He had a prior work commitment one evening
—There was a concert that the people in his office were all attending and he’d “promised” to go with them (he actually went back to his apt and passive-aggressively fell asleep instead)
—A late meeting
—He was sick
—He hurt his back
—There was a Friday get together in the nearby bar (I sat in the hotel room, waiting for our promised dinner out)
Dammit if I wasn’t sympathetic and supportive of each excuse! I UNDERSTOOD. It was OK.
When we parted on the final Sunday, we promised to write and speak EVERY DAY. I knew it was going to be extra hard for me to return to my normal life without him, so we AGREED (together!) that we’d be extra supportive. I was so pleased to return home and find a long email and a voicemail full of romance and promise. And then, lo and behold, I did not hear another word from him for five days.
He pushed the reset button. When I asked what the heck had happened, explaining I was so sad and upset at not hearing from him, that I missed him so much, that I was wondering if he was sick or dead, was anything wrong, etc… he said, “But I wrote on Sunday!”
Assclown!
Sad to say, I went along with it for a few more months. Every time I tried to discuss how he’d let me down, he’d either say, “But I DID write!” or he’d offer some BS excuse or chastise me for bringing up the past.
Consequences! After studying NML’s incredible writings, I screwed up my nerve and kicked him to the curb.
Right beside the RESET button on my computer, there’s another button with great applicability… the OFF button. Use it!
WOW, i have been reading this blog and all the comments over and over again in hopes that i will get enough strength to realize that the person i am currentyly with is a MASTER reset button presser, and that i deserve better. Me and him both gave up so much to be with each other and now its all falling apart. When i first met him he was married and left his situation to be with me, although he claims i wasnt the reason why he left. we BOTH jumped in with both feet not knowing the ins and outs of each others personalities. i truly regret what i have done and wish i would have read into him better before i did this. He continously makes me feel BAD even though its really is HIS fault in most senerios, and he totally ignores me for days on end and REFUSES to talk about it. He has MANY good qualities, but he is repetitive with his CRAZY accusations and actions, when in REALITY HE is the one screwing up and tries to flip our script! When things are good, they are GOOD. But when things are bad, they are BAD. There is no balance. i think i know what i have to do… :-/
I am glad I found this website, it is helping me not be a doormat.
Bohoo, i found this site just recently, but the reality check has helped me waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay faster than l expected.
I was dating this Indian guy briefly few years back, but for me back then it was something you can call -love of my life- Totally blinded l was by the red flags that appeared quite quickly, but as l was drifting in vanilla sky l didnt recognize them as red flags. Some of his favourite expressions during the dating period were
-you seriously dont understand me at all. (that was when all l did was trying to understand him and compromizing myself, so in the end l didnt even know what exactly was l supposed to understand, cos he kept saying it very often and he changed his words like weather forecast.
-you cannot see how much you are hurting me (when l wanted at least a little bit of love or him to consider us serious or taking my needs on board)
-i wish you had be more affectionate to me. (well this was said, when l tried to hold his hand or lean on him, and he was cold as a mummy)
-you dont understand my family and my love to my parents. (well as this is kind of an indian thing, his family was big thing. l was a real monster of not understanding the holy bond )
Bottom line is – he made me feel like it was ALL MY FAULT that the relationship didnt get serious, and l should try harder, give him more sex, because dear boy of 41 years old was HURTING from the lack of my love…i wonder how you classify that.
Well the story got on – we briefly met in 2008, cos l was missing him terribly, but he said, no there is no future. l was still in vanilla sky in my head, missing him another year, which was terribly painful – imagine all those images of our wondeful life together and babies…and because as he said it was MY FAULT it didnt work, l blamed myself thinking, if l only had another change…. And quess what. when we got back in touch in 2009, he was now married and suddenly he was SO frikin interested of me, because his arranged wife was UNATTRACTIVE for him, she made him feel SORRY for her and all that stuff you tell about your wife at home… But because he thought he had lost me, he accepted the wife his mother had arranged for him and he agreed to go through it. (I think that line deserves a medal in AC directory).
I thought, ok wonderful he is back in my life and we can make our dreams come true. He promised along the other red flag lines that he will divorce his unattractive old wife and give me bright future, but MEANWHILE, while he is on the proccess of it, l should move closer to him, to Windsor or Reading (He works in Reading Microsoft office) rent an appartment and basicly create a life, where he can comfortably just step in,( have sex ) and step out, not considering what it means to me to move just like that…and when l didnt agree, l hurt his feelings, my love was not serious, and l didnt understand him. But because he was afraid he get caught by his family, l was a big secret so it was ok for him to keep me close distant.
So when l started to be suspicious of where he actually means us to be serious, l appeared to be clingy, needy and obsessive. And he broke up with me, because otherwize his mum will be in deep pain and hospital.
first l thought, OMG, l have another decade of pain, missing him, the broken dreams, my love for him, blablabla, But then l got a huge reality check and also the things l didnt pay attention before, such as
-he was divorced before – his wife left him (l wonder why….)
-he changed his words like wind
-he repeated the same old dump pattern like last time before
-he often liked to boast how he can get everything for free. Some examples how he -got away with it- in restaurant or in shop.
-constantly telling about HIS achievements or problems.
-keep reminding me, how popular smart and cool he is and how everyone else is just plain wrong
There was 2 person in the relationship, who both loved him, and his (sexual) needs, that was me and him.
But bottom line was – l remembered how l felt myself around his presence – l felt empty, unhappy, and unattractive. He made me cry, because l felt uncomfortablle of what he asked me to do many times to prove my love…Jesus… And now, thinking of all the red flags, l think its about HIM, not me. thats the way HE IS. he will continue making women unhappy, l just made bad move. Funnily enough, l predicted that l will suffer another decade of shoulda woulda coulda-s, but l could tell – seeing everything without the pink glasses l got healed within few weeks. Thanks to this blog.
I dont even need to be remainded of NC, cos no more l want to spend time in Indy-planet.)))how cool is that ))))
p.s. well, his mother thinks he is a saint…
I have been reading this site for the past few months since my ass clown narcissist ex and I broke up. I cut it off with him and what do you know; hit my 3 months NC today and he calls me. 3 months!! What could possibly have changed in 3 months? And he didn’t even leave a msg when he called. I guess he assumed that I would see his number and call him back. 3 months ago I would have because I was simply lost but thank God I finally see right through him and the true devil that he really is. His supply has obviously ran low and he needs an EGO stroke; a bill paid or just feels he has no one else to use so he wants to fall back on me. Not in a million fucking years. He is history!!
JJ2,
wow… 3 mos and then he calls you?? Unbelievable. I do not even understand these guys. What could they possibly be thinking? I’m glad you were strong enough to not answer, and I’m not surprised he didn’t leave a msg. Typical! Mine used to do that too, so immature. I think you nailed it on the head with your thoughts on the reasons why he could be calling now. These guys really suck. I also agree with you, what could have changed in 3 mos that he now calls you up? And how do they explain their absense? “Oh gee, I forgot your #/ had amnesia / got abducted by aliens”? That’s why he didn’t leave a msg, because he had no good excuse to tell you! I think he was hoping you’d pick up so he could catch you with your defenses down and weasel and sweet talk his way back in.
Hooray for you for being strong! You are an inspiration to us all… Thank you for sharing your update.
37 days NC for me and counting. Looking forward to feeling better… any day now.
whoops, sorry, addressed that to JJ2, then saw it said JJ. I guess there are 2 of you with the same initials, hence the ‘2’.