passive aggression Archives - Baggage Reclaim with Natalie Lue

Podcast Ep. 26: Just Not That Into You Or Unavailable?, Super Late, ‘Overnight Success’

March 4, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 2 Minutes

There’s a new episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions podcast!

Here’s what I cover in episode 26:

Just not that into me or unavailable? I was asked about this at You’re Not Going Crazy, They’re Unavailable, and it reminded me about our penchant for believing that a person’s ability and desire to commit is based on how much interest they have. I explain why, yes, it’s possible that someone isn’t into you if it’s early days in the relationship but when you’re several months, a year, several, a decade or more down the line, not only are they taking the beep but it just doesn’t take anywhere near that long to figure out that you’re not interested in someone. Saying that you don’t have enough feelings when you’re a year or so down the line, is the easy, lazy reason to reach for. | Check out 30 Signs of Disinterest

Our relationship with time. I talk about the baggage behind stressing about being late and at the other end, being chronically late and having a boatload of excuses for it. | Post on ‘super late’

Overnight success? Don’t be so quick to judge when it looks like someone is enjoying rapid success at something you want–you don’t know their journey including the struggles and mistakes they’ve made to get to this point or even what lies ahead.

Listener question. This week, Dawn wants to know what to do when you know what your values and boundaries are in principle but you don’t take any action on it and are afraid of experiencing any heartbreak by stepping up. | 30-day project: Embrace Healthy Boundaries

What I learned this week. It was World Book Day yesterday and my eldest went as The Little Girl Who Lost Her No, a book written by BR reader and yoga instructor Amy M. Starkey. We had a chat about the importance of and right to say no and they had some sage advice. Incidentally, Nia (6) has told me that she will run Baggage Reclaim when she’s older and that she would also like my engagement ring when I die–I’m belly laughing as I type this!

You can listen to this podcast below. If you enjoy the show, please subscribe on Soundcloud , iTunes, Stitcher or via a podcast app on whatever device you use. If you’re new to podcasts, find out more about what they are and how to subscribe this handy guide.

Leave a comment or post on Facebook and please do subscribe. If you know someone who would enjoy it, please help spread the word. It all helps! Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com. If there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know! Nat xxx

Power Struggles: Who’s really ‘winning’ here?

January 4, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 6 Minutes

One of the very real concerns that we have once the honeymoon phase begins to fade or we abruptly come face to face with real life and normality where we discover that the other party isn’t “perfect” or that we have to learn how to communicate, be vulnerable and deal with life’s inevitables (conflict, criticism, disappointment and receiving no), is worrying about whether this person is going to be able to do things in the way that we need, want and expect. There can also be this fear that they might expect us to do things ‘their way’. We might wonder, What if I have to be vulnerable by being open to allowing this person to get to know me (and me them) and in essence, showing up in this relationship? This all feels a bit too risky. It feels like unknown territory and on some level, we fear that if we don’t ‘manage’ things that we will be opening ourselves up to being someone or doing something that reminds us of a painful part of our past that we don’t want to go back to. If we are very reliant on being in control, even if it’s pseudo control, we will enter into what boils down to a power struggle where it becomes about one of us conceding to the other.

We know that not only do we not want to go ‘back there’ but that we’re also afraid of stepping outside of our comfort zone by engaging with the person from a place of vulnerability and building a relationship. Compromise? Pah! What if I compromise and they’re screwing me over or they screw me over at some other point?

The funny thing is that we try to act all cool in the honeymoon period but once things start getting real, which can be signaled by us feeling afraid of normality or things developing, we start to clamp down and dig our heels in. I know I’ve been all nice and non-confrontational but you do know that you need to do things in the way that I expect (even though I might not directly express it) because this is how I feel safe and validated, right?

What if ‘their way’, i.e. outside of our comfort zone, rules and predictions, will hurt us?

What we need to acknowledge when we get into a fight for supremacy is that that’s not a relationship; that’s all ego. We’re fighting for that person to have our needs met while at the same time being resistant to doing things ‘their way’ because if we are entirely honest with ourselves, we see ‘their way’ whether it is an accurate assessment or not, as being reflective of the behaviour of someone from our past, likely a parent/caregiver, or a sibling, bully, or someone else who did not meet our needs. Our perception of ‘their way’ may be based on conscious or subconscious recognition that we are engaging with our ‘type’ and/or that we are recreating a pattern of a situation in attempt to be right this time.

We want to right the wrongs of the past.

Ceasing To Engage Doesn’t Mean That You’re a ‘Loser’; It’s Another Way of Standing Up For Yourself

December 3, 2015 By NATALIE Reading Time: 6 Minutes

Don't continue engaging or attempting to keep the peace at the expense of your inner peace. When you decide to stop engaging, it’s not about letting the other person have their way and him/her ‘winning’; it’s about remaining true to yourself. I hear from people who are in some pretty awkward and downright painful situations where they would step away but they block themselves from doing so because they don’t want to let the other person ‘win’. It’s vital to recognise though that the cost of continuing to engage can be too much plus, it’s not worth losing yourself or compromising on what you believe, just to prove a point.

If you don’t want to ‘lose’, don’t do things that cause you to lose yourself or to spend your time doing variations of the same thing and expecting different results. Don’t try to get a Ph.D in trying to figure out the person to the nth degree or take up a vocation in people pleasing with a slice of humiliation.

Whoever this person is that you’re continuing to engage with at the expense of your well-being, they’re really just not that special. They’re not king or queen of the universe, God, a higher power, or the definition of you. It’s not worth engaging or doing things in an attempt to pacify them and keep the peace, at the expense of your inner peace.

One of the things that I ask people who feel damn near tortured having to deal with a bullying and/or narcissistically inclined coworker with an over-inflated sense of their own importance is, Isn’t it sheer madness to spend a whole load of time, energy, emotions and money just on coping with being around this person? Sure, exactly how much frickin’ energy have we got left for ourselves, to do our actual job, for our other relationships, if the overwhelming majority of it is spent anticipating drama, dealing with the critic in our head, managing this person’s ego, and micromanaging our every move in an effort to protect ourselves or to minimise pain? That’s not living! What are we going to do when the mental and emotional stress of what we’re dealing with on a daily basis takes its toll on our mental, emotional and physical health?

Take The Hint of Someone’s Disrespectful Behaviour & Stop Being So ‘Nice’ About It

November 19, 2015 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

Some people don’t know how to just come correct and be straight up about what they want, so for example, when they want to end your relationship, they choose to opt for behaving badly in the hopes that you will do their dirty work and call time on it. What’s even funnier is that while some people who act this way do so because they actually want to opt out but have a fear of confrontation, plenty of people do it because they lack self-awareness and are afraid of committing so they act out to manage down your expectations but to also ease the discomfort that they’re afraid of being vulnerable enough to examine. What this means with the latter camp is that they will hint, you will [hopefully] end things but then they will suddenly feel out of control now that they’ve gotten the exact outcome that they wanted (not being committed, not having expectations, end of relationship) and start chasing you all over again and giving off mixed messages. You take the bait and boom, the cycle continues.

What you’re experiencing here is hinting and aside from it being indirect communication where the person ends up going around the houses and won’t take ownership of what they feel, think, want and need, it’s also a form of passive aggression and what is very often the case, especially with someone who is habitually passive aggressive, is that after you effectively being baited into exactly the reaction or outcome they wanted, not only will they not admit this but they will cling to their passive aggressive stance, claiming that your reaction is exactly why they were not honest. “See, this is why I don’t tell people how I feel or what I think. Look at the way he/she is reacting! They can’t handle the truth.” What the what now?

But here’s where things get extra confusing and problematic: when you won’t take the hint.

Sometimes, we’re too nice for our own good.

When a person keeps acting out and doing the equivalent of pulling down their pants and mooning at your relationship or slinking about as if they’re the teenager who has been grounded and is sulking at you in the hopes you will let them go out, yet you’re still right there trying to be all ‘super nice’ about it, not only will you lose respect for you but so will they.

You will inadvertently underline exactly why they feel that they ‘have’ to behave in this way.

They will then feel guilty about thinking bad things about you or acting out when you’re being so ‘nice’ and forgiving etc, so they’ll reach out or make promises that they cannot keep, so that they can relieve these uncomfortable feelings. Then they will feel resentful because when a person feels as if their conscience has been activated in order for them to comply with another person’s wishes or where they now feel as if they have to oblige themselves, it’s an automatic precursor to resentment.

Podcast Ep. 5: Tricky Co-workers, Trying To Be Liked By ‘Everyone’ , Dating Someone Without Initial Attraction

September 19, 2015 By NATALIE Reading Time: 2 Minutes

I’m having more fun than I imagined that I would with The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, my new podcast. It’s given me a new outlet and platform to connect with BR folk as well as people who didn’t know about BR before, plus it’s also been quite a learning curve.

Thanks to the kids being back at school for a couple of weeks, I picked up one of those annoying low level bugs that does a number on you. Suddenly I remembered why writing can be so handy as I snuffled and sniffled! I pulled it together though after giving myself a couple of days to reboot.

Here’s what I cover in episode 5:

Why do we find tricky co-workers so stressful?: We spend a significant portion of our time with coworkers which is why it can be all the more taxing when we have to deal with passive aggressive and aggressive people, or we play it small, or we overload ourselves by over-empathising.

The pitfalls of trying to be liked by everyone: I talk about how this quest impacts our mindset and attitude, how it can make it feel damn near impossible to have good boundaries, why it’s not good for the relationships that we’re afraid of losing, and how to start removing the hidden agenda to improve well-being.

Who pays on the first few dates?: The so-called dating etiquette around this can be super confusing plus we tend to infer something if they allow us to pay or expect us to split the bill. I also talk about ‘the reach’ and how it adds to the confusion and frustration.

Listener Question – What do you think about dating guys who you’re not initially attracted to?: This listener has been asked out by a “very sweet” co-worker but she’s not interested and is also concerned about going after what appears to be a “sure thing” and then getting burned.

What Nat Learned This Week: Instead of continuing to try to understand something, accept what you know at that point instead of rejecting it in search of something else.

You can listen to this podcast below. If you enjoy the show, please subscribe on Soundcloud or on iTunes. If you’re new to podcasts, find out more about what they are and how to subscribe with this handy guide.

Leave a comment or post on Facebook, and please subscribe. If you know someone who would enjoy it, please help spread the word. It all helps! Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com. If there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know! Nat xxx

Podcast Ep. 3: The Critical Parent’s Effect on You, Mixing Up Boredom With Fear of Being Alone With You, Stop Putting It Off

September 5, 2015 By NATALIE Reading Time: 2 Minutes

It’s that time of the week again! The third episode of “The Baggage Reclaim Sessions” podcast has just become available.

Each week I cover topics around empowering you to discover and reclaim the great you that already exists, offloading excess emotional baggage, and navigating dating, interpersonal relationships and tricky situations.

I also feature a listener question plus I share something from that week that has helped me to know and care for me better.

Here’s what I cover in episode 3:

Trying to speed up a relatively new relationship due to fear of uncertainty: Why do we do it and how to calm down before you end up sucking the joy out of your experience.

The critical parent and the influence it has on your relationship with criticism: How excessive criticism can train you to be an exhausted perfectionist and people pleaser, the type of people you can end up gravitating to and how recognising what’s behind their critical ways can be the beginning of transforming your relationship with criticism and seeing you in a more compassionate light. This is the post I mention on dealing with criticism and conflict.

Why boredom can be code for ‘fear of having to spend time with our own thoughts and feelings’: After I got talking with somebody who goes on dating sites and apps out of boredom, it got me thinking about how we can end up doing destructive things when we’re not engaged in living our life because we don’t like who we are or how we’re feeling.

Listener Question – Do you have a couple of quick tips for dealing with passive aggressive people? This listener is struggling with a nightmare coworker who says one thing, does another… and won’t own up to it.

What Nat Learned This Week: I’ve realised that the amount of time we spend putting off something that we need to do is far greater than the amount of time that it takes to do it plus when we put off what we think are awkward conversations, they too often end up being far less awkward and dramatic than we predicted.

Super Late: How we treat time says a lot about how much we respect other people’s time

June 23, 2015 By NATALIE Reading Time: 6 Minutes

If you’ve ever stood (or sat) around waiting for somebody who is late, you will understand how frustrating and downright awkward this can be, especially when they either don’t warn you that they’re going to be late or they have a habit of being late on the regular. Equally, if you are typically late and have received flack for it, you may struggle to understand what the problem is because from your end of things, you either feel that there are genuine reasons for your lateness or that they’re making an unnecessarily big deal out of it.

A friend of mine was recently kept waiting for four hours – yes, you did read that correctly. Four feckin hours. That is far beyond the bounds of acceptability. My first thought was, What’s so special about this guy that you’d circle around Victoria station for a few hours while he hung out in the pub with his mates?

We know when we’re going to be fifteen minutes late and a person who is four hours late knew this some time between one and two hundred and forty minutes before they decided that they would bother to show up.

The way that you feel about and deal with timekeeping is really a matter of values, namely your personal values, the ones that speak for your character.

Sure, there will be people who will argue up and down about how culture has its part to play in the acceptability of lateness but we can all think of generalisations that are made about cultures and races that are not actually true of the people we encounter from these.

It’s not that things don’t happen and that none of us can ever be late but how we typically treat time does say a lot about how much we respect other people’s time as well as our own.

People who don’t really care about keeping people waiting or disrupting their schedules, have an over-inflated sense of their own importance. When did common courtesy die a death? In an age where you could almost say that we’re over-connected, how the hell can a person fail to notify us that they’re going to be late when we have mobile phones, texts, email, Facebook, WhatsApp, IM, Skype, Twitter, Instagram and the list goes on?

We’ve got to quit with this bullsh*t, super busy malarkey. Habitual lateness (super late people) is just an extension of this whole carrying on as if we’re busier than a world leader. No we’re not!

When we don’t respect and value our own time (boundaries), we over-promise ourselves in the name of pleasing and fear of saying no, winding up malnourished in the self-care department. We also don’t acknowledge where our concept of how long it’s going to take to do something or get somewhere, is inaccurate.

Knowing the line between putting you first and being “selfish”

June 1, 2015 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

One of the fears that people who are considering improving their sense of self and boundaries struggle with, is the worry that in finally focusing on taking care of their own needs, expectations, desires, feelings and opinions (rather than expecting others to do so), that they’re going to be perceived as “selfish”.

What we essentially do by taking responsibility for our own feelings and behaviour is put us on equal footing with others, so ironically, this fear that some of us have is basically a fear of being equal. It’s not wanting to recognise that everyone has their own life to lead and also has their own needs, desires, expectations, feelings, opinions, motivations, experiences and purpose.

When we don’t put us on equal footing, we come from a place of inadequacy and dependency because we’re essentially reliant on people to “do the right thing”, to take care of us as a result of us putting everyone ahead and above, and to also live up to our ideals. When we worry about being selfish, we also have to acknowledge that on some level, we think that people who consider their own values and boundaries and as result, may not want to be and do as we would like, are selfish. Because we are willing to extend ourselves to such a degree that we’d forget about us including our own values and boundaries, we can feel perplexed and in fact shortchanged, by people not wanting to pay up the debt created by us not having our own back.

Selfishness is about lack of consideration for others which doesn’t have anything to do with healthy self-esteem and healthy boundaries.

It would be fair to say that the people pleasers of this world are too considerate in the sense that they over-feel, worrying excessively about other people’s feelings and behaviour and making themselves responsible for those said feelings and behaviour, resulting in going about trying to be and do things to influence and control it. They don’t honour the separateness that we all need in order to retain a sense of self and to have healthy boundaries. Of course, by taking on this unnecessary responsibility, it means that when they feel bad, they correlate improving their feelings with other people amending their behaviour. When these people don’t, they feel shortchanged because on some level they’re thinking, What? After everything I’ve been and done for you and you won’t just do this thing that will take away my pain?, and then they feel that they haven’t been “pleasing enough” which just reinforces the sense of inadequacy.

People pleasing is not a selfless pursuit; it’s a transactional one with an underlying expectation about what we will receive in return.

Admit The Cover-Up & Stop Overcompensating

March 27, 2015 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

Over the years of writing BR, I’ve emphasised how relationships are 100:100. We have to own our own and let others own theirs. We have to show up and be our true selves rather than show up on the basis that we are half of a person and that we’ll do a bit and they’ll do the rest. With the whole 50:50 premise, we’re leaving a lot out. Where did the other 50% of us go? It’s difficult to dispute when we’re putting our whole selves in and are willing to evolve but once we start making others responsible for part of what we should be doing, the waters get murky.

There’s a very specific reason though why going into relationships with a 100:100 outlook is vital:

When we have a 50:50 mentality and we’re of the people pleasing, trying to fill voids inclination, we tend to overcompensate for our partners because aside from being excessively emotionally reliant on them for our self-esteem and very quickly struggling to discern where we end and they begin, we on some level don’t feel worthy and take ownership of other people’s feelings and behaviour. This means that we feel that we are more responsible for the relationship than they are.

We’re thinking in 50:50 terms and then devaluing ourselves (or feeling devalued) and then feeling that we are 70:30, 80:20, or even 90:20 responsible for the relationship.

We know that we have things twisted when we deny, rationalise and minimise concerns as well as our own needs, expectations, wishes, feelings and opinions. We keep telling ourselves that the reason why a person is unable to show up emotionally and in other ways, is because they’re having a “tough time” or are “busy”, or that we’re “needy”, “too sensitive”, or that it must be our “problems”. We pull back, tread carefully, up the efforts, shrink a little (or a lot), force a smile, keep trying to show how much we love and care only to feel as if that’s making it worse, and sometimes put up with some pretty unpleasant if not downright abusive carry-on.

Part of us is almost thinking, Jeez – all they have to do is the exam equivalent of showing up and signing their name! I’ll take care of the rest! Or, we’re thinking along the lines of, If it were me and I had somebody right here ready to love and care about me (even though I wasn’t pulling my weight), I’d be so grateful and loving. I wouldn’t want to leave.

Of course, the problem is that when they do leave or there are attempts to tackle the issues, because we covered their ‘share’ of the relationship and felt excessively responsible, we also feel excessively to blame.

We blame ourselves for it going wrong, for not being “enough”, and keep trying to retrace our steps to figure out where we botched things, wondering what happened to the “amazing” person that they were in be beginning… when we didn’t really know them and they hadn’t unfolded.

At what point did we start covering for them?

For many Blame Absorbers, it can be right at the beginning, often because they’re waiting for the other shoe to drop. There’s this underlying concern that this person may figure out that they’ve made a mistake so they buffer this by making some overpayments into the pleasing investment account (like when we make overpayments on our mortgages). This overcompensating can also happen because on some level below the awareness line, they sense that this person chimes with their pattern…so again, they get cracking with building them up. It can come down to an uneasiness that comes with the familiarity of certain feeling and thought responses to what is happening, or the familiarity of the person’s behaviour. It may feel like ‘home’…

It might start at what appears to the early signs of problems. Things may appear hunkydory and then, boom! They come back one day and it’s as if they’ve turned into Hollowman or Hollowwoman. The lights are on but nobody’s home. Or they suddenly respond lukewarm or coldly where they appeared to previously reciprocate and enjoy something. Maybe it’s after the first conflict or after feeling wounded by criticism. They’re asked if something is bothering them or whether they’re “OK” and they claim that everything’s “fine” while acting the opposite.

If you’ve been overcompensating for your partners, you will know because you’re either in it and taking ownership of their feelings and behaviour, or you’re out of it and doing the same thing and feeling wounded by your “failure”.

You’ll be damn near exhausted from trying to figure out the magic words and deeds to keep this person happy so that you can feel happy. You might not know your up from your down because you’ve been ignoring your instincts and listening to them deny, minimise or rationalise the very real concerns. You will feel as if you are failing or have failed because the relationship is all about your effort and on some level you know that you’re giving you away and all for what? To be left feeling inadequate and that nothing was ever good enough?

Well it’s time to ask, What about me?

It’s time to get honest and open up your awareness about where you have held you back and taken over their responsibilities. It’s time to be honest about where you have been hurting and where you’ve had to practically cattle prod partners into responding and showing up. You’ve got to be honest about where you forgot you while trying to make another person the centre of the universe. They’re just not that special. Why are you bowing down and acting as if a miracle has taken place in being given the time of day and now it’s like you have to prove that they didn’t make a mistake in being that person they were in the beginning? Why does everything rest on you?

We can empathise with people and recognise where they have their own stuff to deal with but you know what? If someone’s stuff is going to prevent them from chipping in with love, care, trust, and respect and they’re going to enjoy the fruits of you being an almost skivvy in the relationship, it’s time for them to jog on, because your efforts will not be respected and appreciated for it. If anything, they will feel some level of guilt and rather than step up, they’ll act out, keep distancing themselves from you while telling you what they think you want to hear or pulling other passive aggressive acts because the nicer you are the worse they feel; or they’ll make an exit where they can go back to their comfort zone or press the reset button, all while likely taking no responsibility.

Do not accept less than the very basics of what you deserve by overcompensating and then feeling that you have to wait for some sort of payback. Never treat you like you don’t matter in a messy effort to prove to someone else how much they matter. You know where you stand when you show up as a person who can own their own and has a good sense of self, because you can quickly tell where you’re being left hanging by somebody who is of a very different inclination. Instead of blaming you, you recognise that you both want different things and that no relationship of any decency is going to go anywhere good when it lacks consistency, commitment, balance, progression and intimacy that only materialises when two people show up to a relationship.

Forgive you for where you let them off the hook from showing up and where you forgot your own responsibilities. Learn from this experience and what you’ve experienced will be transformed from loss to the gain that it is. These experiences are there to teach us where we need to step up and show up for ourselves in order to change the nature of our journey.

Your thoughts?

Sometimes, you just don’t have anymore energy left to explain why you’re stepping back (especially when they actually know why)

January 14, 2015 By NATALIE Reading Time: 6 Minutes

Sometimes we can find ourselves in the position of knowing about what someone has done and not having the energy to get into some big ‘ole thing about it. It’s not because we’re letting it slide or that we’re too afraid to deal with it; it’s more that due to what we now know, we realise that if we go down the path of trying to ‘make’ this person see our position, to express remorse, to acknowledge what they’ve done and what was so wrong about it, we’re probably going to go blue in the face from trying to make sense out of nonsense and getting caught up in he said she said mind effery. It might even get switched around so that the real issue is forgotten and in the end, who has time, energy, and emotions for this BS?

Exactly how much do we really need to explain to somebody who already knows what they’ve done, about what it is that we know about.

It’s like, “Um, you know what you said/did – you just don’t know that I know and you’re afraid to say, ’So you know about [the thing] huh?’ because that might not be the thing that you think that I might know about. You’re gonna keep texting me with BS like, ‘What’s wrong? I don’t understand why we haven’t been hanging out as much – did I do something?’, so that I end up doing your dirty work for you and bringing your deeds out into the open and you only have to own up to whatever I bring up. Hell, you may even have enough time to figure out the perfect excuse / story / alibi or maybe you’ll just switch it around on me and make up some BS story about me or attack the fact that I have ‘accused’ you of something.”

And here’s the thing: When you’re in a situation where you realise that you cannot trust somebody and it might even be one in a long line of things, you’re not not saying anything because you’re trying to ‘make’ them fess up – you’re just done. You know where the land lies, there will be no big showdown or fallout, there will be no big long-ass discussion or justifying or whatever because you decide that you just don’t want to be caught up in their drama.

Compare scenarios:

Scenario A: You know them for a year and during that time, they have done various things (with you and others) to demonstrate that they cannot be trusted nor are they loyal.

Scenario B: Also known them for a year and both in their relationship with you as well as with others, they’ve been consistent, truthful, and loyal but you find out something or they do something that hurts you. It seems so out of character.

You would likely say something in Scenario B and it will cost you more to pursue them about it than you will gain in Scenario A.

Being passive and a pleaser can make you a sitting duck for unavailable relationships

November 18, 2014 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

Sound familiar?

You’re agreeable and try not to be or do anything that would give your date an opinion on you.
Unsure of who you are and what you want, you rely on others to direct you. You’re also afraid of who you truly are being wrong and so you align yourself with ‘authorities’ (people with an overinflated sense of their own importance).
You typically audition on dates and are more concerned with whether you can get them to like and validate you than you are with whether they’re a good fit. You’re so busy worrying about how awful it would be if these virtual strangers rejected you and how much you don’t want to have to be in the dating pool that you’re just listening and looking out for any cues and clues as to what will make you ‘better than’ the last person so that you can be the exception.
The thought of being assertive, voicing concerns, giving feedback and yes at times criticism, as well as engaging in conflict, trigger a great deal of anxiety and discomfort so you’re always preempting it by being pleasing (read: suppressing your needs etc to prioritise theirs so that you can be rewarded in some way).
You leave all of the calling, planning, deciding on the future of the relationship etc., to the other party. You say that it’s because it’s their job but it’s also out of fear of rocking the boat, fear of scaring them off, wanting to appear “no drama’ but also… trying to limit your vulnerability.
You tend to go out with variations of your parents and slip into a ‘child role’ in your interpersonal relationships.