I’m back after taking my summer break, and in this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I want to get into the subject of what can be the dark side of being nice. I talk about why, sometimes, we confuse what are actually our attempts to control, avoid or get something with being ‘nice’. We don’t acknowledge that, actually, some or even a lot of the things we’re doing don’t result in our feeling good or even loving relationships.
Calling all Good Girls, Good Guys, Nice Girls and Nice Guys. If you pride yourself on ‘doing the right thing’, on being ‘good’, on being ‘nice’, this episode is for you. If you feel what you think is ‘irrational’ anger, resentment, burning dislike, etc., towards someone who seems nice, again, this episode is for you. And if you’ve felt guilty for not wanting to be with someone who was nice even though there were certain things that made you uncomfortable about the relationship, yep, this is for you.
We’ve developed strategies that we call ‘niceness’ that help us manage our fears and how we come across.
Someone who is nice can be all of the things–good-natured, kind, compassionate, sympathetic, civil, friendly etc–and also have boundaries. They can have character, a personality. and speak up and show up when they need, should or want to.
Sometimes we don’t see boundary issues for what they are. For example, in a romantic context, inappropriate behaviour can initially appear to be romantic, their ‘taking charge’, them being crazy about us, and wanting the best for us. We might feel flattered by the intensity until it overwhelms us and we realise that we can’t control it.
If we’re honest about why we’re not dealing with something directly, there’s often a fear of angering the person. When we’re honest about this, we receive a clue that we’re afraid of this person. Yes, this Nice Person.
A nice person who’s also crossing boundaries might struggle to view it as this because they think they’re being nice. They think they’re ‘asking nicely’, being ‘loving’ or ‘well meaning’.
Feeling guilty isn’t a good reason to keep up any relationship, romantic or otherwise. Guilt-driven choices stem from fear and obligation, and this always leads to resentment.
If how we gauge people is on them not being as bad as what we think is the gold standard of shadiness, we have a problem. We will rationalise inappropriate behaviour because, for example, they’re ‘not like [our] ex’. They’re not an obvious ‘bad person’.
“After everything I’ve done” thinking is always a sign we’ve done what might for all intents and purposes be ‘good’ things but for the wrong reasons.
Sometimes our niceness is about validation and insecurity. Do you love/need me? Do you want me? Are you going to abandon me?
Sometimes we’re so busy trying to be ‘nice’ and avoiding hurting feelings by ‘letting them down gently’ that we don’t convey the message, including our boundaries.
People pleasing is about showing others how to behave. It’s using ‘niceness’ to influence and control other people’s feelings and behaviour.
Sometimes genuinely nice people aren’t seen for who they are because some people mistake their kindness for weakness. But some nice people do end up being vanilla because they blend, morph and adapt. They’re afraid to say or do anything that might give people an opinion on them.
Angry chatter in our head, simmering, breaking down afterwards, being self-critical — key signs we’re not acting in line with how we really feel.
People pleasing is a form of silent rage. We use it to cover up old hurt and loss. The niceness is how we manage hidden feelings of anger. We also use it to push down our needs, desires, expectations, feelings and opinions.
Shifting this pattern:
Stop focusing on being nice, good, and doing things ‘right’ as it’s when you’re more likely to be disingenuous, ironically.
It’s possible to be nice and also keep it real. Mix your lovely self with boundaries.
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You have ESP(N)! I literally woke up today thinking “am I just a bitch for rejecting that EUM? Should I apologize? Do I want to?” Helllllllllllll naaaaaahhhh
🙂
NATALIE
on 13/09/2020 at 4:43 pm
Glad to be of help right on time!!!
Alessandra
on 11/09/2020 at 10:13 pm
Nat, I’m so glad you’re back!
I’m going to listen to this episode twice as it’s given me so much to think about.
One memory it brought up was when I was in a really stressful job and my bf insisted on calling me during the day, even though I had explained that I couldn’t talk until after later.
I felt as though I didn’t even have time to use the restroom during the day…there was so much pressure and so many deadlines, I had zero downtime.
It stressed me when he called because I didn’t want to ignore him, but it was much easier for me to talk in the evening once there was a bit less pressure on me. This seemed to really upset him, and he kept telling it was “nice” that he wanted to talk to me during the day.
Sure, it’s a nice sentiment, but when the reality is that it causes me stress to do so, why are you still doing it? For some reason having that boundary was really an issue for him.
NATALIE
on 13/09/2020 at 4:42 pm
This reminds me of that episode of Friends where Ross and Rachel end up going on a break because he doesn’t listen when she says that she doesn’t have time to get together on their anniversary due to a crisis in the office. He rocks up to her work with a picnic and nearly causes a fire. He doesn’t understand her anger and when she returns home, he’s expecting her to apologise to him. While it’s, of course, fiction, Ross’ behaviour was down to insecurity and to some extent, feeling entitled to her attention. But in any given situation, it’s always about someone trying to meet a need. In this instance, your boyfriend (and Ross) were doing that but calling it something he’s doing for you while ignoring what you need and want in that instance. And, of course, if he felt neglected due to your lifestyle and work commitments, clearly a conversation needed to be had, but ignoring what you needed and wanted, especially when he could talk to you in the evening, wasn’t going to achieve that. And, sure, it was “nice” that he wanted to talk to you, but it wasn’t nice that he didn’t want to listen to you or respect that work boundary.
Sam
on 13/09/2020 at 10:17 pm
I had an ex who would unilaterally keep deciding that we were back together.
Since he never actually asked what I wanted, or how I felt (and importantly, since I grew up with the message that my voice didn’t matter, and that things weren’t to be discussed), I didn’t know what to say or do when this happened….
I so wish I’d gotten some of these life skills sooner!
Maureen
on 22/09/2020 at 9:53 am
Oh my gosh this feels like your telling my story. My now ex was that man everyone including myself thought was lovely. He was a real show pony! When we were alone he was moody and snappy and quite cold…..I began to take it personal. Nat I need your intervention what I can’t decide is do I book a one to one or do I commit to the monthly membership? I’m in a much better place mentally however I want to sustain it……and work on my baggage
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Natalie,
You have ESP(N)! I literally woke up today thinking “am I just a bitch for rejecting that EUM? Should I apologize? Do I want to?” Helllllllllllll naaaaaahhhh
🙂
Glad to be of help right on time!!!
Nat, I’m so glad you’re back!
I’m going to listen to this episode twice as it’s given me so much to think about.
One memory it brought up was when I was in a really stressful job and my bf insisted on calling me during the day, even though I had explained that I couldn’t talk until after later.
I felt as though I didn’t even have time to use the restroom during the day…there was so much pressure and so many deadlines, I had zero downtime.
It stressed me when he called because I didn’t want to ignore him, but it was much easier for me to talk in the evening once there was a bit less pressure on me. This seemed to really upset him, and he kept telling it was “nice” that he wanted to talk to me during the day.
Sure, it’s a nice sentiment, but when the reality is that it causes me stress to do so, why are you still doing it? For some reason having that boundary was really an issue for him.
This reminds me of that episode of Friends where Ross and Rachel end up going on a break because he doesn’t listen when she says that she doesn’t have time to get together on their anniversary due to a crisis in the office. He rocks up to her work with a picnic and nearly causes a fire. He doesn’t understand her anger and when she returns home, he’s expecting her to apologise to him. While it’s, of course, fiction, Ross’ behaviour was down to insecurity and to some extent, feeling entitled to her attention. But in any given situation, it’s always about someone trying to meet a need. In this instance, your boyfriend (and Ross) were doing that but calling it something he’s doing for you while ignoring what you need and want in that instance. And, of course, if he felt neglected due to your lifestyle and work commitments, clearly a conversation needed to be had, but ignoring what you needed and wanted, especially when he could talk to you in the evening, wasn’t going to achieve that. And, sure, it was “nice” that he wanted to talk to you, but it wasn’t nice that he didn’t want to listen to you or respect that work boundary.
I had an ex who would unilaterally keep deciding that we were back together.
Since he never actually asked what I wanted, or how I felt (and importantly, since I grew up with the message that my voice didn’t matter, and that things weren’t to be discussed), I didn’t know what to say or do when this happened….
I so wish I’d gotten some of these life skills sooner!
Oh my gosh this feels like your telling my story. My now ex was that man everyone including myself thought was lovely. He was a real show pony! When we were alone he was moody and snappy and quite cold…..I began to take it personal. Nat I need your intervention what I can’t decide is do I book a one to one or do I commit to the monthly membership? I’m in a much better place mentally however I want to sustain it……and work on my baggage