Anger Archives - Baggage Reclaim with Natalie Lue

It Doesn’t Mean That You’re Not Ready To Move On If You Still Think About Them

February 2, 2018 By NATALIE Reading Time: 4 Minutes

Deciding that we’re going to be or do something that basically amounts to us moving on from a space where we’ve been stuck in a cycle of thinking, feeling and acting in a particular way, sometimes leads to the assumption that the cycle will end automatically. We might spend months suffering over our ex and finally decide that we have to try to move forward. It may be that clashing with a loved one triggered months of rumination. Thoughts and feelings that we associate with The Time Before We Decided To Move On, can lead to us feeling confused and frustrated. We doubt our decision or doubt our ability to move on. We wonder, Is the fact that I’m thinking about him/her/the situation a sign that I’m not ready to move on?

In short, the answer is NO.

Us humans are creatures of habit.

Imagine that last July, you finally ended your relationship after a year of going back and forth. During the relationship you overfunctioned to compensate, not just for where they weren’t showing up but also for your own underlying feelings of low self-worth. Maybe you reasoned that if you sacrificed you for the relationship, that they’d see that you were worth committing to. You’re ready to move on from trying at this relationship.

Is It Time To Get Off The Rehashing Express?

August 23, 2017 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

When we keep rehashing something, we’re either getting too caught up in hearing what we want to hear, we’re replaying a ‘backing track’ that makes us small, angry and resentful or, we’re hoping to be struck by new insight.

Talking about something a lot after we’ve been let down, wronged and hurt, is natural and necessary.

It’s part of the natural grieving process that arises from experiencing a loss–each time our hopes and expectations aren’t met, it’s a loss, so it brings up a spot of grieving and reconciliation where we eventually arrive at a more grounded place, so that we can move forward.

Rehashing though, so discussing something at length time and again, after something has happened and yes, retelling a story that hasn’t been changed or improved upon, keeps us feeling stuck and bound to the story including the pain, fear, judgement and guilt contained within it. We get invested in telling the story and resist reaching insight and resolution.

Rehashing is often driven by this sense of having experienced a great injustice–It’s not fair!–and so we get to relive the feelings and we make ourselves feel special, albeit in a bad way.

Sometimes rehashing is driven by a heightened sense of wrongdoing, so feeling that we effed up in a major way and going over the story time and again to bonk us over the head with it but to also keep it fresh lest we forget how much we screwed up and dare to move on.

It’s the whole I did X, they should have done Y and Z should have happened, and being convinced that we did everything ‘right’ based on how we felt that things should go down and so feeling wronged that it didn’t or feeling as if our whole world is turned upside down because our self-concept and what we think makes us worthwhile is based on a faulty premise and assumption that calls a hell of a lot into question.

What we don’t always acknowledge is the deeper purpose of rehashing–keeping us safe from seeing the all-important lessons from the experience, from moving on, and from trying again.

We get to feel right even though we feel rubbish.

One of the things that becomes a point of stress about rehashing though, is that the story keeps popping into our head despite our most recent intention to move on. We may have decided that we’re sick of thinking/talking about something and just assumed that the story would cease to show up.

We then assume that because the thoughts arrive unbidden that it must be a sign of something, when in truth, the period of time where we willingly rehashed (even if we deny it) has now taught us to associate the story with certain cues and triggers.

Let’s say we rehashed it every morning for however many weeks or months–that story is now ascociated with that portion of our morning, with the start of each day, so whatever we were doing around it such as commuting to work, having a coffee, avoiding having to think about deliverables, or out for a jog, our mind thinks that it’s what it’s supposed to bring up. Same goes for a particular friend we talked about it with a lot, or that show or song that triggered a rehashathon.

If each time we felt vulnerable and maybe said self-critical, we responded with thoughts of us being inadequate, too old, too this, not enough that, and then we piled on with mentally raking over what happened, it’s become a habit to associate our sense of ‘enoughness’ with this story.

The fact that we keep thinking about something or it keeps popping up doesn’t mean that it’s relevant to our present-day situation or that it’s even accurate.

If we’ve been thinking about something a lot and saying the same thing over and over again, we’ve actually trained ourselves into a hearing loop so it’s out of habit, not out of a conscious choice of thoughts.

But we can choose the way in which we respond–ride the train of thought to pain and obsessing, or consciously choose not to hop on board. With the latter, we recognise what the rehashing has become a cover for and we make a new choice and gain new understanding.

We acknowledge where we soothed ourselves with pain. Maybe we see what we got out of telling a story (the payoff) such as attention, to feel like a victim, to feel special in a twisted way, to feel as if we were paying off our guilt about something else that we’re probably not even responsible for or even if we were, it’s clear there are more meaningful and productive ways to learn from a wrongdoing.

If we’re repeating a story again and again, and over time, we feel worse, less ourselves, stuck and more, then guess what? We’re not telling it right! We’re lying to ourselves about something.

After a while, we have to commit to catching ourselves before we jump on the Rehashing Express and ask:

Is what I’m going to say/think again going to lead to somewhere good?
Do I have some fresh, positive insight that releases me just a little bit more?
Nope, OK, not getting on.

By focusing our energy on being conscious, aware and present, we gradually feel more in command of us and as a result, less attached to the security blanket of the narrative—and it is one because we don’t have to look too closely at ourselves and we get to see us (or someone else) as the villain.

Distance also gives more objectivity, so redirecting our focus actually helps us to gain perspective organically rather than hoping that investing in self-criticism and revisiting the crime scene time and again will throw up something new.

When we realise that we’ve been riding the Rehashing Express, we have an opportunity to look for new insight, to see things in a way that we weren’t able to before. We might suddenly recognise the parallels between this experience and a hurt or loss from our past. We might suddenly make the connection about the similarities between this person and say, our mother, and all of a sudden we get to see why this experience was important.

Keep in mind that acknowledging that we’ve been rehashing doesn’t mean that we should silence ourselves–it means that we need to take care because our thoughts and words do hurt us. Admitting that, yes, in some instances we might have been obsessing over something is the path to being able to help us acknowledge that behind this story is actually a great deal of pain. We can then help us, particularly because this acknowledgment might be the first time we truly extend ourselves some genuine compassion and start to talk about what we really need and what’s really bothering us.

The answer isn’t to silence ourselves. We need to make a new choice and that starts with acknowledging the baggage behind what has happened.

We still tell the story from time to time but it’s different because we’re healing, growing and learning not tying us to the past. There’s a progression.

We tell it less over time, not because we think we’ve exhausted our audience but because we’re truly ready to be done. It’s not our showpiece, our calling card or the thing that we’re making ourselves near ill over.

We’re conscious of not wanting to make us feel bad.

We’re conscious of not wanting to talk ourselves into giving away power.

We can visit the events without taking up residence. We genuinely want to move on and find even a chink of light in there to find our way through because we remember that we’re human and that it’s down to us to give ourselves permission to move on.

Ultimately, when our desire for something else is greater than our need to hold on to the story or to stay afraid, we commit to choosing and re-choosing each day, to let go.

Your thoughts?

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Podcast Ep.17: Happy New Year! (Nat’s 2015 In Review)

January 2, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 2 Minutes

Nat Baggage Reclaim and the kids

Happy New Year! I hope that whatever you’ve been doing over the last week or so, that you’ve been able to be kind to you and that if you haven’t, that you’re resolving to invest in you in 2016 and beyond.

I’ve enjoyed a couple of weeks of downtime and it’s been just what I needed because I was exhausted. We had a few days of being out every evening (I’m not cut out for partying several nights in a row anymore!) and then we declared ourselves in rest mode. For once, our Christmas shopping was finished early and the gifts were wrapped days before because we were going away and we got to hang out with my brothers before we headed off to Cornwall (south west England) for a break in the countryside. Idea was to be drama-free but there was a bit of it on Christmas Day when my mama decided to try and tell me all about myself on a call– all I could do was step away by ending the call and remembering, “That’s not mine, it’s hers and I’m sending it right back”. I’ve taken the decision to just leave things be. It’s the whole accepting the things you cannot control. You can love people… from a distance, and with healthy boundaries. Aside from that blip (which incidentally would have impacted me far more deeply in the past), I had a great time going on walks with the kids, playing Uno, reading, sleeping my head off, and exploring Cornwall. If you go, the Eden Project is a must!

Here’s what I cover in episode 17:

My review of 2015: I went through my fair share of challenges last year and in fact, I started the year in a very painful space that gradually yielded to become very healing. I take you through my year and what I learned along the way plus I share my key takeaways including how I’ve learned to mother myself a bit more and to ask for help.

New Year’s Resolutions: I talk about why we find them tricky to stick to and how we put unnecessary pressure on ourselves, plus I share some tips for making resolutions have a better chance of sticking, regardless of what time of year it is.

In the final part of the show, I share some guidance for entering into 2016 from a place of love, care, trust and respect. Compassion matters.

You can listen to this podcast below. If you enjoy the show, please subscribe on Soundcloud , iTunes, Stitcher or via a podcast app on whatever device you use. If you’re new to podcasts, find out more about what they are and how to subscribe with this handy guide.

Leave a comment or post on Facebook and please do subscribe. If you know someone who would enjoy it, please help spread the word. It all helps! Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com. If there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know! Nat xxx

Forgiving Me For Abandonment

September 21, 2015 By NATALIE Reading Time: 6 Minutes

I've stopped judging the scar of abandonment and hating on it and me. I've stopped shaping my life around it

As a child, it’s hard to conceive why a parent isn’t around or doesn’t treat you with love, care, trust and respect so we determine that for a grownup to behave in this way, we must have done something “really really bad” or just flat-out been “unlovable”. Once we stop using the same childhood reasoning habits and become more mindful of the destructive coping mechanisms that we originally designed to protect us and to make us “more lovable”, on some level we still struggle to conceive why the abandonment happened. We might get things logically but emotionally a part of us wonders:

But why didn’t/don’t they at least try? Why is it that I’m always the one that has to try? To make allowances? To be super understanding? To put aside the past and my own feelings?

In adult life, we strive for accolades. The author wants the book deal not ‘just’ to be self-published; the singer wants an album on a label not ‘just’ what they’ve created off of their own back; the hard working person wants the acknowledgement, the awards or maybe even just the shift in behaviour of their co-workers so that they feel more appreciated and validated; the one who has achieved a lot wants what they deem as their pinnacle of success— to have their ideal romantic relationship and to feel safe and secure. None of these desires are strange but sometimes we don’t stop for long enough to question why they matter and what we think will happen to us. When we experience our desires, we might enjoy them but sometimes, they don’t take the form that we imagine. We thought it would feel so much better or be that much easier, and yet it isn’t.

Since I started writing Baggage Reclaim ten years ago (yay!), part of my self-exploration has caused me to regularly reflect on why an explanation or that love matters that much. What difference would it make?

The explanation which can often be very light in comparison to the weight that we’ve carried, will only really cover so much, especially because a lot of the pain is self-imposed. Even if we get an explanation, we analyse that too and often try to look for more answers. When they don’t cover it and we’re still holding out for them, we look for other inappropriate substitutes to do it and the self-blame habit continues.

We are never going to be able to ‘fully’ understand abandonment.

We want to take away the pain or cause the periodical grief feelings that often catch us off guard to disappear forever. We think understanding and validation is the solution even though no matter how much we investigate the past, we can’t change it. We can change the narrative about those events and the judgements so that we change our present and future because ultimately, how we judge us for who that person wasn’t is the deciding factor.

The grief feelings won’t ‘vanish’. They show up from time to time no matter how good we feel about us because there are times, whether we had our parent around or not, that our younger parts feel vulnerable or when grief shows up as a result of an experience. Loss reminds us of other losses. This pop-up pain is an opportunity to grieve the loss from a different angle and heal even further, grounding and growing us. It’s too much to expect to be permanently rid of certain feelings, especially because feelings guide and direct us on what we need at that moment.

We can empathise with our parents (once we’ve cut the proverbial cord instead of seeing them as being reflective of our inadequacies) but we’ve gotta stop trying to figure them out because on some level, no matter how small it is, that little kid inside thinks that the key to peace and validation is in their pocket.

Trying to understand others to the nth degree doesn’t bring peace.

Let the pain and the fallout be your turning point

July 8, 2015 By NATALIE Reading Time: 6 Minutes

Over nine years of going to acupuncture plus osteopath and chiropractor sessions in recent years, has taught me that where we feel the pain (unless we’ve had a specific injury to that place) or what we think it’s about, isn’t necessarily the source of the pain. We might have pain in our feet but it can be coming down from back, hip and neck issues that we’ve ignored or certainly played down. Similarly, when life serves us up a series of painful lessons for us to finally heed something, there is a journey we travelled to get to that point. They don’t happen in isolation; there are contributing factors that we have had warnings about.

At the point where it’s too big to ignore and/or we’re now experiencing the pain from the fallout, we are responding not just to what happened but all the stuff that came before it.

I don’t mind telling you all that the last twelve months or so have been mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually challenging. Yesterday I twigged that when this period of my life began, ten years before in 2004, I was also being put through my paces. I’ve had to call on everything I’ve learned and talked about over almost ten years of writing Baggage Reclaim, in order to come out the other side of these challenges. I’m still standing.

After previous challenging experiences, I’ve felt like more of a grownup and one of the things that’s come out of going through the wringer is recognising that I’m always growing up. There is no destination. I keep evolving. There’s a fluidity. But you know what? It’s damn feckin annoying because there’s a part of me that’s thinking, Ah for feck’s sake! Surely that’s me all sewn up on that front, and then I learn about it from a different angle and essentially get my self-knowledge and self-awareness put to the test.

Like me, many BR readers have gone through the grief that comes with having a kid inside of you that has been wounded by past experiences. Throw in difficult adult experiences such as relationships (romantic and otherwise), that are based on patterns honed in childhood and we have had some work to do in order to evolve and to loosen the grip of the past.

Over this last year, I’ve experienced challenging maternal relationships – mother and in-law – that came on the back of a series of things (crazy landlords, buying our new home, crazy work person, brother in mental health institution, brother-in-law hospitalised, father briefly popping into my life after a 2 now 3-year absence and the list goes on). You hope to have time to recover from things but each time I started to get my groove back, the next thing came. After a Christmas Day Dynasty/Dallas-style showdown between the mothers which resulted in some painful revelations, it brought up feelings that I hadn’t experienced for quite some time. I was furious. I felt so betrayed. I felt so disappointed and it amplified an inner whisper that the grownups (as in family elders), just can’t be frickin’ trusted.

Understanding why an ex is spreading misinformation about you (or building a case against you to break up)

August 25, 2014 By NATALIE Reading Time: 6 Minutes

Breakups, even expected and mutual ones, often feel like a kick a teeth, but a breakup feels like a mugging when it comes to light that our ex has been in effect, poisoning the waters by saying things about us that are not true or are certainly exaggerated.

Why would somebody who we shared a relationship with and who we believe that we were loving to, choose to spread misinformation designed to discredit us?

There’s a common misconception that breakups only happen to ‘bad’ people or where something terrible happened, which is akin to suggesting that breakups are an emergency measure reserved for the most horrific of relationship illnesses, when in reality, you could be The Nicest Most Fabulous Person Ever TM and short of only ever being in and staying in one relationship, you’re going to be broken up with and do the breaking. That is of course unless you’re one of those people who always gets in there first, but that’s the subject of another post.

Because of that misconception as well as another – we have to have ‘legitimate’ reasons about the other party before we can break – some people do the dishonourable thing and the moment that they feel in over their head, or the moment that they suspect or decide that they want out, rather than be a grownup and say so, they look to build a case around it, which is similar to deciding that a suspect is guilty with no evidence and then looking for ways to fit a preconceived agenda and conclusion around them. It’s shitty and lazy.

A person who is looking to make a strong case for an exit will manage their way out of it by looking for reasons to justify the decision that they’ve already made, a decision I might add that they’re free to make without having to drag your name through the mud. That’s why I hear from people who feel so damned confused, betrayed and blindsided because they realise that they were in effect set up to fail. This type of ex doesn’t give you a heads up as to what is going through their minds because they have already decided.

When this person shares their reasons with you or you hear it through the grapevine, you struggle to reconcile this version of them with the person you thought they were or the relationship experiences that you had. And of course you want to almost shout this at somebody but you don’t want to look as if you’re losing your marbles or ‘shrill’.

If You’re Going To Argue or Tell Someone About Themselves, Don’t Do It By Text or Email

February 4, 2013 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

I have a few rules for myself that keep me out of a lot of trouble, even though some days my last nerve is being worn down and I want to let rip:

Even though it’s felt like I have to tape my fingers together at times, I don’t reply in haste (or even at all) to conflict filled emails. Basically, I never reply with my first heated response and distract myself in something else.

I never respond to any form of conflict via text, end of.

I don’t put in writing or say online anything that I’m not prepared to say to someone’s face and this forces me to consider what I do write or say very carefully.

I share my little rules for myself because many of the people I hear from who are struggling with unhealthy relationships or with breaking unhealthy habits have issues around dealing with conflict and criticism, and think nothing of arguing or even telling someone about themselves via text or email. In fact, I’ve even seen arguments take place over tweets and status updates on Facebook but that’s a whole other subject in itself! Why are texts and email a very tempting prospect for conflict?

Because they don’t feel as vulnerable as ‘conflict conflict’, you know where you have to get on the phone and you say something and then they respond, or where you see one another face-to-face. It’s lazy, ‘safe’ ‘communication’.

There’s no real discussion, there’s no full-on arguing, there’s no dealing with potential criticism as you express your feelings and in the immediacy of pressing send, you can feel like you’re on a high that doesn’t take long to disappear. It’s like the ‘perfect’ yet so not perfect way of avoiding conflict in the way that you fear it.

When Knowing That You’re Crazy About Them / In Pain Is As Good As ‘Having’ You

October 29, 2012 By NATALIE Reading Time: 4 Minutes

When you’re in the throes of the torment from a breakup, it’s understandable to want to reach out and let the other party know exactly how you feel. It might be because you hope that it will inspire their own desire to return to the relationship, or maybe it’s because you want them to know how much you’re suffering in the hope that they too will feel bad or that they’ll at least have the decency to back off if they’re saying or doing things that are contributing to your pain. The trouble is that in the wrong hands, what you’re sharing with them can be a big, fat, ego stroke.

Particularly when it’s someone who has shown themselves to be emotionally unavailable or has crossed into the territory of lacking empathy and even taking advantage of /abusing you, he/she knowing how much pain you’re in or you making repeated overtures can be as good as the feeling of ‘having’ you in a relationship.

Knowing that you’re in pain and/or that you’re there as an option in their back pocket if they should need to avail of you on a rainy day is like a low calorie ego stroke and certification of your feelings and their ‘option rights’ without them having to put in too much effort.

They know you’re not going anywhere and that’s actually a pretty secure feeling for someone who always likes to have a proverbial bird in the hand and one in the bush. Of course knowing that someone is ‘there’ when them consistently being there and being expected to be emotionally, physically and spiritually available is quite a ‘challenge’ means that their desire and sense of being out of control won’t exist. If the relationship wasn’t working or had never really gotten off the ground, you as an option that they get to remind themselves of can start to seem more attractive than having to stump up a relationship.

Now aside from the fact that you may be giving them even more of an ego stroke than they deserve, there comes a point when you’ve got to roll it back…. waaaaaaaay back, because not only is doing the same thing and expecting different results, insanity and another go-round on the disappointment cycle, but not knowing your own line will cause you immense pain and cost you your dignity.

I know that you can’t just switch off your feelings but your dignity shouldn’t have an ‘off function’ anyway.

Why give someone the comfort of knowing your whole life is falling apart because you’re not together? Not only are they just not that special, but you no longer being together is the sign of the relationship being broken, not a sign of you being broken as a person. You’re not going to feel too happy when they seem to be getting on with their lives and you’re there letting them know that you’ve stopped functioning without them. All this does is open you up to further rejection because the reality is, the type of person who is content with knowing that you’re there as an option, is also the type of person who either won’t find it attractive that you seem dependent on them and will distance themselves or they’ll exploit your feelings.

How Attempting To Get The Wedding Dress I Paid For Gave Me A Crash Course In Shady Relationships

April 4, 2012 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

A few weeks ago, I shared with you about how buying my wedding dress had given me a crash course in commitment and chemistry. Well…a few weeks on, and attempting to get the wedding dress that I’ve paid for, has proven to be another crash course, this time in shadiness and doing right by yourself.

Always, always, always, listen to and trust your gut. Almost six weeks ago, I paid the deposit on my dress and in the twelve days that followed, I had to chase the designer about paying the balance and collecting my dress. Now bearing in mind that I was told I could collect it the following week, you can see why I started to feel a bit nervous. On three occasions I nearly sent a message saying that if she had changed her mind about selling the dress, fine, just fess up and gimme back my money! Each time I went to press send, I picked up the phone again..and went to voicemail. My gut said that I was going to be effed around. My gut was right.

Silence in a new relationship is never a good thing. This is especially the case when you 1) know that their phone isn’t broken and 2) see them on Twitter… Ever been out with someone who is blanking you but you can see that they’ve been on Facebook with their harem or surfing dating sites? Yeah, it’s infuriating.

Silence after you’ve got laid or handed over four figures in your hard earned cash is never a good thing. It’s not because the sex was so good that they lost their tongue; it’s that they’ve got what they want and also don’t want to give you the impression that it means more than it did. Likewise, when someone takes your frickin’ money, no matter how much it is, and then you don’t hear from them and you don’t know them, it doesn’t engender trust. What it does cause is anxiety and doubt.

People use silent treatment in relationships to manipulate you into the position that they want. It also controls the amount of communication when they ignore calls and only respond by text. Flush ’em fast and then cut them off.

If you have to chase down someone and basically make most of the effort, you’re going to get veeeerrry pissed off after a while. Do you know what’s really got on my tits over the past few weeks? During this whole debacle, I’ve felt like Natalie Lue, March-August 2005 when I dated Dot Dot Dot Man, the guy who triggered my epiphany about Mr Unavailables. After a hot start, I spent 4.5 months wondering when I would hear from him next and then trying to work out why hadn’t heard from him, and then planning to dump his bony behind, and then changing my mind. “Just give it one more week”, this time round became “She’s so busy, I’ll just give it a few more days…”

Why Affairs Are Like Being Double-Crossed In A Heist

March 12, 2012 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

Over the years of writing Baggage Reclaim, I’ve heard from many women and men who have been left empty handed, duped, disillusioned, distraught, angry and a plethora of negative emotions after being involved in an affair. While many of these people feel awful about deviating so far from their personal values that they wound up not only in a deception but often ended up feeling emotionally bankrupt, there’s also a significant chunk of people who while they may feel aggrieved at deviating from their values, their grievances are focused on the ‘deal’ not coming through.

Affairs are like heists gone wrong.

As the Other Woman/Man, you’re under the impression, even if it’s not directly stated, that for your participation, which as a result of deviating from your values may feel monumental, you’re going to share the ‘takings’ between you and run off into the sunset. All you’ve got to do is hang tight and engage in the deception.

The Cheater is committing ‘fraud’.

It may be that when you first met, you hadn’t intended to be involved; maybe you were just having a good time. But then they started talking up the future and the opportunities, and you suddenly started to believe in the possibility of being together.

You operate under this misguided notion that they’re an honest person being dishonest to the other party due to the circumstances, not because they’re actually dishonest. If you’re anything like I was, you’ll think that you’re the one they’re being honest with.

There’s no such thing as an ‘honest cheat’. That’s an oxymoron like ‘casual relationship’. They lie to themselves, they lie to others, and they most definitely lie to you. Of course some base their reasoning on a complex framework of lies and so will stubbornly cling to their lies, because to let go, would be to place the responsibility and accountability on themselves that they seek to dodge.

Some of you may have actually started out feeling like you were the more ‘powerful’ party in this. They were chasing you and you could take it or leave it. They were trying to convince you but now, you’ve been left with your head spinning and wondering where it all went so wrong.

Unfortunately I’ve seen enough episodes of 24, CSI, and The Wire, never mind various action films to know that often, the person who thinks that they’re in on the deal gets shot or left out.

You keep wondering when they’re going to ‘come good’. They keep talking about how they just need more time, or that the ‘goods’ are in a safe place, and how they’re just waiting for the right moment, their cat’s stuck up a tree, they haven’t got clean drawers, or they suddenly remembered various problems they have that they’ve got to attend to.

In the Line of Fire: Are you getting carried away with policing your boundaries?

January 4, 2012 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

Recently a friend called me up, fuming about an acquaintance giving her what felt like a dirty look. “Who the hell does she think she is? I know she thinks she’s better than me!” After she said that she’d been upset all day, I had to ask, “You got all that from a look?”

This is a disproportionate response, especially for an acquaintance who in the grander scheme of things, means nothing to her life. If you don’t feel like you want to let anyone get away with anything, you may find that you have a lot of mental drama going on, never mind run-in’s with family, friends, dates, people on public transport, Facebook ‘friends’, telemarketers and basically anyone that gets in the line of fire.

When you have extensive experience of your boundaries being crossed and feeling like people have ‘gotten away with it’, when you finally recognise the importance of boundaries, it’s not unusual to become sidetracked with patrolling your ‘perimeter’ and getting any and all trespassers.

It’s like taking a precautionary measure of tackling all issues big and small – you’re not letting anything go which means ruminating and/or taking them to task.

When you haven’t resolved your feelings around these past experiences and behaviours, it can leave you feeling reserved, on guard, and in a defensive position ready to attack. The resulting mental and physical drama can be exhausting.

Several years ago, I went on a boundaries rampage, telling anyone who remotely pissed me off all about themselves. I became hypersensitive, seeing criticism even when there wasn’t, or not being able to take any feedback. A few friendships nearly ended and I in essence, had a short fuse. Always privately stewing about the latest injustice, I’d play conversations back in my head, work out what I would and should have said under slightly different circumstances, or plan my next move.

I was making up for lost time – it was payback and I was making sure that nothing was left ‘unexpressed’ and that my voice was ‘heard’.

Much of my behaviour stemmed from me being focused on what I felt were my own failings in regards to my boundaries. I felt so invalidated that being angry and taking people to task or even cutting them off made me feel valid and could even cater to this idea that I was a victim – it righted what I felt were the wrongs of my past.

But the one thing I learned from it, is that riding everyone else’s arses like Zorro will not correct any previous boundary crossings, especially if in doing so, you end up disrespecting others also.

When you’re policing people and ready to strike, you’re mentally taking off your earrings and rolling up your sleeves ready for battle.

People who carry anger and feel like they have to ‘defend’, invariably end up being angry and defending.

People who carry around a feeling of not being good enough, invariably find reasons to feel not good enough.

Unless something is really big because the person matters greatly, it’s code red or amber behaviour, or is one in a long line by the same person (which is a sign you need to cut the line), it’s likely disproportionate to invest so much of your mental and physical energy that it impacts on your personal wellbeing or your ability to enjoy your life.