Happiness & Self-Esteem Archives - Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

Why It’s Time To Stop Hiding Your Needs

March 23, 2018 By NATALIE 38 Comments Reading Time: 5 Minutes

I recently shared an experience of being treated as if I were invisible and how I spoke out against that but there’s another form of invisibility that’s critical for us to address: hiding our needs.

As part of the on-the-job training of life, situations that hurt you make you aware of your needs. Spend enough time in a relationship subsisting on crumbs and you experience a painful awakening about your unmet needs.

Your relationships provide a window into understanding who you are and what you need.

Quite simply, some of us have no clue what our needs are. We might see them as indistinguishable from wants. The best description of needs and wants is by financial expert, Karen McCall:

“A need sustains you and a want entertains you.”

If, as a child, you experienced emotional, mental and/or physical neglect, you won’t have felt safe, secure and nurtured. This can cause you to train yourself out of having needs. You might do without. It could be settling for crumbs or filling the void with something else (e.g. food, shopping, sex).

It’s not that you don’t have needs. You do have them but have either forgotten about their existence or given up on trying to meet them. If, for example, your feelings weren’t acknowledged or what you had to say didn’t matter, or you felt as if you had to take a backseat to someone or everyone else, you figured, ‘What’s the point?’

If you think that your needs will go unheard or that even if you do speak up, that they won’t be met, you’ll reason that it’s easier to stay quiet than risk being ignored and/or rejected. To compensate, you take on a role (e.g. people pleaser, overachiever, caretaker, fixer, underachiever, black sheep) as a back door to trying to get your needs met without as much risk.

Notice me. Take care of me. Listen to me. Love me.

Begin With The End In Mind

January 19, 2018 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

When we’re doing or tolerating something that isn’t a reflection of who we really are, we often mistakenly believe that it must be because it’s what we want. This is why, for example, so many people remain in unfulfilling relationships with commitment resistant, emotionally unavailable partners – they resign themselves to the situation because it’s seen as proof positive that they either don’t want it or that they’re not going to get it. What they didn’t do was begin with the end in mind.

Putting up with or doing something that’s at odds with our needs, expectations, desires, feelings and opinions, reflects a lack of clarity and commitment on our side that we’re very possibly unaware of.

It’s not unusual to focus on being a good person, to work hard, to try to be as loving, understanding, accommodating as possible. We assume that being and doing these things will influence and control receiving the desired outcome. This leads to us inadvertently blocking our own success.

If we’re overinvesting in someone and a situation that lacks love, care, trust and respect, no matter how much we do, no matter how much we suffer, it’s not going to yield the relationship we want.

We might think that we’ve begun with the end in mind but we don’t if we’re misappropriating our energies. We’re not going to feel the way that we truly want to feel. The way we’re living will block our own growth and intimacy.

If the woodcutter chops logs every day and wants to up their production levels, do they work more hours or do they get a better chopping implement?

We don’t have to try harder, suffer even more or even give up altogether if the way in which we’ve been going about getting what we want hasn’t yielding the desired results. It’s nothing to do with us being not ‘good enough’ and everything to do with us being mistaken in what we think it takes to create, forge and sustain mutually fulfilling loving relationships.

If we mistakenly believe that love conquers all and that we can in essence, hitch our wagon to anyone and that with enough effort, the rest will take care of itself, and we then keep repeating this mentality in our efforts, we’re essentially walking into the same relationship pothole again and again, and again.

We have to figure out what we want (where we want to go) and how we want to feel. We can then point us in the right direction and also steer ourselves away from anything or anyone that isn’t in alignment with that.

If you’re serious about being in a serious relationship, accept no substitutes.

The second habit in The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People is: begin with the end in mind.

No, that doesn’t mean that you should start a relationship with the breakup forecasted. What it does mean is that you need to get clear on what you want. You need to decide where you’re aiming.

If you want to be in a serious relationship that’s mutually fulfilling, you need to commit to your cause. If you don’t, what you do when you date and proceed to relationships won’t have a purpose.

So many people tell me that they want a committed relationship with love, care, trust and respect. They want to be themselves. So, what are many of these people doing?

Dating anyone who shows an interest even if they’re not feeling it or the person has the boundary issues
Flailing around in casual relationships where they’d originally hoped that their involvement would lead to something more serious
Chasing after an ex or even bouncing around with a number of exes
Staying in the wrong relationship because they’re afraid to leave, start over and be on their own
Pretending to be something they’re not, using dating to audition to be whatever they think a date wants

These are just a few examples.

Why aren’t we committing to what we want?

Because it’s a commitment.

If we don’t admit that we need/want something, we don’t have to be vulnerable. We don’t have to expose ourselves to disappointment.

Dating and relationships are an experiment. They put all of our ideas, beliefs and assumptions about who we are, what we need and how we think relationships work to the test. Staying in our uncomfortable comfort zone hurts but we figure it can’t get much worse (until it does).

We don’t have to challenge the misunderstandings, judgements and yes, very painful and negative beliefs that we’re carrying around.

We’re also prone to distraction and often have a ‘some crumbs is better than no crumbs mentality’ so even though we’re in an incompatible relationship where our emotional needs aren’t being met, we’ll stay. We gratify the temporary and so we’ll lap up the attention, affection, acknowledgement, sex or whatever it is. It’s kidding ourselves that we’re getting the best of both worlds while sacrificing our emotional needs and true desires. In avoiding disappointment, we end up experiencing even more of it.

Very often though, we feel as if we have made a commitment to what we want. What we’re unaware of though is the unconscious intentions and fears that scupper our efforts.

If we want commitment in a loving relationship but secretly fear that we’re unworthy, that we’re going to be trapped [like a parent], that we’ll lose ourselves, our career or something else that spells too many sacrifices, or that we’re going to wind up with or like one or both of our parents, we’ll cater to the fear not what we want.

Acknowledge your desires. Begin with the end in mind.

Beginning with the end in mind isn’t a guarantee of what you want (especially if you’re controlling a ‘plan’). It’s guaranteed though that you won’t get what you want if you don’t define it. Without living a life that’s conducive to that end or consciously directing you there, you can’t even get close.

If you’re treating and regarding you with love, care, trust and respect, what you say yes and no to is very different to that of someone who doesn’t know, like and trust themselves.

How will you know if you’re fulfilled if you don’t know where you want to end up? If you’ve never put your line in the sand or have never really put some definition behind who you are and where you want to go (your core values):

How will you know when you’ve had enough, that something isn’t right, or that you’ve veered off track?
How will you know what to say/show yes and no to?
How will you know what to do in the day-to-day to further your aims?
How will you know when you’ve, as such, reached your goal?

Many of us struggle with feeling time-poor, overwhelmed and yes, super busy. Without clarity about our priorities and healthy boundaries, things that don’t matter a great deal overshadow them.

Acknowledging what you want also helps you to recognise what you’re afraid of.

This is good – now you know what to address. Now you know what to be mindful of. Acknowledging where you’ve paid attention to these fears wakes you up to the realisation that catering to them isn’t leading you to anywhere but pain.

It is often quite scary to commit to what you want but in truth, not anywhere near as scary as not even trying. You have to take a leap of faith. Commitment means that you have to decide without knowing exactly how you’ll get there or when things are going to happen. You commit without knowing exactly how things will turn out. It’s taking a step, any step, however imperfect it might be and keep trying to move in that direction.

Your thoughts?

Getting Truthful About Your Intentions

January 10, 2018 By NATALIE Reading Time: 6 Minutes

It’s that time of year where despite our best intentions and even resolution(s) to move forward and have a fresh start, we can find ourselves grappling with temptation. Our unconscious intentions and fears make themselves known and if we feed them, they become stronger than our conscious intentions and desires.

When we feel compelled to reach out to an ex or to do something else that we on some level have doubts (and possibly alarm bells ringing) about doing, acknowledging our true intentions can be the difference between pain and gain.

By living with more conscious intention in the areas of our life where we’ve felt a great deal of stress, disappointment, loss, resentment etc., we set ourselves up for success. We also break unhealthy patterns because we’re quite simply living more consciously.

Take my friend’s recent situation: She broke it off with her ex due to his boundary-busting behaviour and made it very clear that despite their mutual friends, that she has no interest in remaining in touch. This was a big change because her pattern was to stay in touch with even the shadiest of exes.

Several months later while chatting to one of these mutual friends about a tax situation (which she knew nothing about), he suggested that he call up my friend about it (because she’d had an issue with the same department). The mutual friend told him it would fine… and then made a panicked call to my friend to warn her but also pointed out that it seemed like he had changed [from being super possessive and controlling]. Side note: I don’t know how that can be gauged from a call…

So, now this story makes its way to me while we’re enjoying a cuppa.

Me: Wait, why the frick would he be calling you? Who does he think you are? HMRC (the British tax office)?

Cue my friend doubled-up laughing trying to stop herself from choking on her tea.

Me: I can think of a few other options before he would even get to you. After HMRC, there’s, oh I don’t know… his accountant…. or a tax advisor. Then there’s Job Centre Plus… or the Citizens Advice Bureau… or, wait for it, Google. Not being funny but even you would happily admit that you’re no expert on [the tax matter]!

She’s still doubled up laughing and begging me to stop so she can finish her tea.

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to work out that this guy isn’t calling for tax advice.

Like many a person (including myself) who has concocted an excuse to get in touch with their ex (or to go where you know they’ll be hanging out, dressed to the nines in heels they can barely walk in… cough…), his need for tax advice from his ex was a ploy to create an entry point for getting her attention.

It’s like, ‘All I want is some tax advice. How can she refuse?’

Easily, actually. She wouldn’t be refusing because she’s a ‘mean person’; it’s because she doesn’t want to be manipulated and she values good boundaries even in the face of awkwardness.

Her conscious intention is/was to be done with him. In the past, her unconscious fears and intentions meant that fear of being disliked, fear of conflict but also fear that one of these guys would spontaneously combust into a prince as soon as her back was turned, caused her to have a revolving door of exes in her life.

As humans, we’re all living with intention.

Some of our intentions are conscious, some are unconscious and either way, they lead to outcomes and consequences. Unhealthy patterns can only exist when we’re living unconsciously. Awareness of why we do what we do in the way that we do it can halt what might be destructive and/or disingenuous choices. The more we live with conscious intention is the more we grow.

Why are we texting our ex at Christmas/New Year/on their birthday and other occasions that jump out at us?

Is it because all we want to do is wish them happy Christmas etc and there’s no agenda, no expectation?

Or, is it because:

while we might tell ourselves that we want them back, what we really want is to win?
we’re feeling crappy about something else and so receiving their temporary attention seems like a worthy distraction?
we want to confirm that we still have the power to get their attention but also that they haven’t moved on or changed that much?
we’re sabotaging something good, so reaching out causes self-rejection and lowers us back to feelings that reflect our negative beliefs?

Being honest about our intentions can help us make choices that better serve our well-being.

Even if we proceed because we, for instance, want that distraction, doing so will help us to learn from that experience. We, at least, won’t have to go through the rigmarole of fooling ourselves in the future and this can be quite an eye-opener as time goes on.

We can also acknowledge where we have conflicting intentions. If we intend to, for example, move forward with our self-esteem in tow after a breakup because we desire a better relationship but then opt for something casual to get attention, we can acknowledge where we’re taking us away from who we are and what we want.

Honesty about intentions also extends to recognising other people’s intentions.

No, we’re not mind readers but what a lot of us find ourselves doing is emotionally blackmailing us into ignoring our instincts because we don’t want to appear mean/judgemental/crazy/needy/too sensitive etc.

We then kick ourselves for what is often a split-second decision to repress what we know. What we know is often something that our rational brain is keen to talk us out of. What we know is often something that we’re uncomfortable with admitting or that yes, sometimes go against our [misguided] intentions and what we want to do.

I spoke to someone recently whose married ex got in touch. She knew that he didn’t mean her any good but admitting that meant letting go once and for all. It meant recognising that he’d always been dishonest and manipulative. She regretted letting herself get sucked back in.

Acknowledging other people’s intentions or even the reality of their behaviour isn’t about seeing the worst in people. Hell, it’s not even about seeing the worst in ourselves.

Another reader explained recently how she’d intended to disclose the affair to the wife. Admitting that that her true intention wasn’t to ‘help’ helped to ground her in her true values. It prevented her from doing something she would have felt ashamed about. That, and it also forced her to acknowledge what she was trying to avoid.

Being honest about intentions isn’t about being judgemental of you or others; it’s about judging the situation and recognising whether it’s in alignment with how you want to feel and continue feeling but also who you truly are.

With this in mind, here’s a few self-care tips:

Forget about trying to make you (or others) ‘wrong’. Instead, use recognition of intentions to set you up for success by acknowledging how intentions influence choices but also outcomes. For example, on a night out, I check in with me about whether I want to drink and why. If I want to, cool, but if were thinking that I ‘should’ drink to ‘fit in’, the latter would lead to me feeling crappy. Another common example: Are you having sex because you want to or is it because you feel as if you ‘should’ if you want to increase your chances of seeing your date again?
Acknowledge the desired outcome. Be honest about what you want. If you weren’t going to get [the desired outcome], would you still go ahead? Have you done this (or similar) before? If so, what happened? Make sure that you’re not putting you on the disappointment cycle. If you wouldn’t still go ahead, you either need to be honest with the other party about your expectations or revise them. Using the sex example above, I hear from far too many people who have sex almost like a down payment on a relationship and then feel aggrieved when things don’t work out. If they were honest, not just about that intention but also how that intention compromised them, they’d halt.
Remember that hidden intentions often means hidden agenda. That doesn’t make you shady but what it does mean is that you will be conflicted. Progress is slow if hidden motivations and fears are running the show. If you value integrity, honesty, peace of mind and equitable, available relationships, lose the hidden agenda by bringing it into the open.
Keep in mind who you really are and where you want to go and grow. Are your intentions in line with your values (priorities, preferences and principles) and boundaries? If not, halt.
When you’re tempted to do something that you suspect doesn’t have your best intentions in mind, get grounded. Sit in a quiet space, take a few deep breaths and ask, What am I afraid of? and see what comes up and then ask why and keep asking to get down to the root fear. It might take 5 to 7 whys but you’ll get there.
Consider what you you know about the person. Are you intentions in some way based on this hypothesis that they’ve changed?
Beyond the instant gratification, is there the potential for a medium- to long-term hangover?
Acknowledge where your intentions might be different to those of the person involved. Thinking If it were me can blind you to the truth. Stay in your lane.

‘After everything I’ve done for you!’ – If You Feel Bad While Or After You Give, It’s Not Giving

October 12, 2017 By NATALIE Reading Time: 7 Minutes

As a recovering people pleaser, I’m all too familiar with how we can feel like some of the most giving, generous people who are often underappreciated for their efforts. When we consider making changes, we feel caught between a rock and a hard place because we think that we will be regarded as ‘selfish’, ‘demanding’, ‘bad’, ‘mean’ and other such criticisms that are really designed to let the takers of this world keep taking from givers.

What motivated me to rein in my pleaser was that I recognised that I was doing good things for the wrong reasons. Yes, I was trying to please but I had a hidden agenda of ‘I’ll do this for you and you’ll give me what I want or spare me from unpleasant outcomes’.

What I wasn’t aware of is that people pleasing comes from what we feel we are obliged to do in order to be a certain type of person but to also gain love, attention, affection, validation and approval, as well as avoid conflict, criticism, disappointment, abandonment and loss.

In truth that means, ‘I feel that I have to do this ‘for you’ so that you feel obliged to give me what I want (or to spare me from unpleasant outcomes)’.

We all, well certainly empathetic folk, do things that despite our intentions, we in retrospect realise that it wasn’t a good idea or that we need to approach it differently next time. We learn from the experience.

When we’re entrenched in people pleasing though, so we don’t even recognise the habit as being an issue, or we do but can’t see another way to be, we keep doing the same thing and expecting a different tipping point result.

It permeates every area of our life and we feel resentful, victimed, powerless, helpless and downhearted.

Invariably there comes a point where we can’t take anymore and we’re forced to confront our pattern, no matter how discomforting it might be. We realise that, yes, people do take the piss, that we are always the one who, for instance, volunteers their time, sorts out problems, keeps quiet. backs down, overperforms, puts everyone first etc, and that we’ve had some pretty painful experiences, but we also realise that we are the common denominator. That doesn’t mean that we’re responsible for other people’s behaviour but what it does mean is that we have to look at what we’re bringing to the situation and calling ‘right’.

Remember that we’re often feeling short-changed, like we’re not ‘good enough’, and like nothing we do is ever enough, yet we still think that being pleasing is ‘right’.

We become aware of such a thing as boundaries (knowing where we end and others begin and knowing our line and our limit so that we live in line with our values) and realise that we are the key player in the management and creation of our own, but then feel genuinely perplexed and anxious about how cutting back on people pleasing isn’t going to turn us into a horrible person that everyone wants to argue with, criticise, reject and abandon.

And let’s be real: a few too many rides at the people pleasing rodeo mean that we’re left trying to figure out a new way to be without becoming bitter and suspicious.

It’s like, ‘Right, world! You’ve maxed out your credit with me and if anyone wants anything from me in future, they’re gonna be put through their paces. No one’s gonna get away with anything ever again’.

We put up a wall and get panicky about boundaries because we quite simply don’t know the difference between giving and sacrificing.

Giving is wholehearted, autonomous and authentic. It’s the free transfer of something so basically, it has no strings attached. If we are giving something with a specific expectation of what we should get back, if the other party is unaware, it’s not a give.

Similarly, if we decide to give (read: do or be) something because it’s just something we decided off our own back or we thought, ‘If I do this, they’ll do that, and then such-and-such will happen’, that’s not a give.

So, for instance, when I was involved in an 18-month affair with a co-worker, I felt entitled to him leaving due to my pain and suffering. I’d given him a grand ole time, made it super comfy for him, and in my mind, given him everything he wanted, and all without him having to cough up a relationship or even be faithful.

Newsflash: He did not ask me to do that. If I’d told him from the outset that this is what was expected, I can assure you that the affair would never have got off the ground.

Now, granted, he did make out like he was going to leave, how tricky the situation was, how he saw me as his girlfriend and blah blah blah, but all of this was in response to my dissatisfaction with the situation.

Truth be told, part of my people pleasing in life has been to pretend that I had less needs than I had, that things didn’t bother me as much, and that I was super independent.

Sure, I’m an independent person but truth be told, that people pleasing was really my form of self-protection that allowed me to feel safe while still trying to get what I want without having to admit that actually, I did bloody well have needs, things did bother me, and while I was independent in some ways, relationship wise I was codependent and acting out issues stemming from abandonment in childhood.

Now, you can apply this to anything you’ve been a pleaser about and that same truth will remain: you’re doing stuff that no one actually asked you to do or that they’re certainly not going to take responsibility for.

They’ll go, ‘Yeah, sure, I have asked you if I can borrow money off you on a number of occasions but if what you really wanted to do was say no, you could have’.

They’ll go, ‘Yeah, you did sleep with me, listen to my problems and feed my cat when I was away even though I made it clear that I’m clearly not going to give you a relationship, and yes, I did text you, but the fact that you did those things doesn’t mean that I should want to have a relationship and if you really wanted more, you should have told me to jog on’.

They’ll go, ‘Yes, you did go above and beyond at work and it’s appreciated, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t flag up an issue or that you have to be first in line for promotion, plus actually, if you’d asked me what I was looking for to promote, I would have given you far easier suggestions.’

They’ll go, ‘Um, yeah, thanks for never being honest with me and not trying to hurt my feelings but I’m a grownup, I didn’t ask you to hold back, and I don’t appreciate you unleashing all this pent-up stuff on me and telling me how I’m a bad friend for not being able to read your mind about something’.

Which brings me neatly to sacrifice, the act of giving up something of value for the sake of something else regarded as more important or worthy.

Being willing to make sacrifices is a part of life. We do it every time we make a decision because there are trade-offs to every decision. We say yes to something while saying no to something else. Sure, we can try and sit on the fence but it never works out well.

If we do something that involves giving us up, pretending to be something we’re not, and suppressing and repressing our needs, expectations, desires, wants, feelings and opinions, this is not giving—it’s sacrifice.

Just so we’re all clear, sacrificing yourself for a relationship isn’t giving; it’s degrading you. It instantly makes the relationship imbalanced and unhealthy.

People make sacrifices within their relationships but when they’re made from a healthy place, they become autonomous gives.

We do something not just because we want to but because when the other person gives, we don’t want him/her to come from a place of feeling manipulated, coerced and guilted, just as we wouldn’t want to either. We don’t want to keep score and say stuff like, ‘After everything I’ve done for you!’

When we feel obliged to do something, it’s an automatic precursor to guilt and resentment and so when it comes to the relationships we value, we gradually work out that we have to decide what we feel we have to do versus what we want to. Wrestling with a sense of obligation becomes a jump-off point for an honest conversation with ourselves and with the party in question.

We consider what the baggage might be behind our obligation, what our motives and expectations are including what we might be afraid of, and we also have to consider the consequences of doing it from a place of obligation, so how we might feel if we go ahead, but also how we might feel if they and life don’t meet our expectations of what we think will happen if we meet that need.

People pleasing is based on the idea that we are obliged to meet someone else’s need quite simply because they have it. To be clear, we’re not.

People pleasing is our attempt to say yes to ‘everyone’ while always saying no to ourselves.

What we don’t often realise is that some of our closest, most valued relationships, interests and causes get sacrificed because we haven’t figured out how to say no and be OK with someone being disappointed [due to us saying no] to meeting a need that we don’t have to meet.

We have to treat ourselves as a person of value and actually, that starts with taking responsibility and figuring out what our values are and living by them, instead of trying to shape shift for everyone. It’s realising that we hate feeling guilty and obliged, so why would we want to do that with others? It becomes clear that we can’t keep ignoring us and putting ourselves last and then expecting others to make up for it. We decide that if we can’t give it wholeheartedly, then we need to speak up about our expectations and be OK with the other person having a different viewpoint, because at least we’ll know where we stand and will have spared ourselves pain and problems. We can consciously choose our preferences, priorities and principles so that we feel like the worthwhile and valuable person we’d forgotten we are.

If you feel guilty, obliged or bad before or after you give, it’s not giving. The truth is, it’s time to stop emotionally blackmailing yourself. It’s a vicious cycle that ironically will leave you feeling far worse than if you’d said no.

Your thoughts?

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48 Ideas For Increasing Emotional Availability & Breaking Harmful Relationship Patterns

June 7, 2017 By NATALIE Reading Time: 18 Minutes

Whatever it is that’s brought you to Baggage Reclaim and got you exploring the subject of emotional unavailability and emotional baggage, if you want your circumstances to change and for you to break your pattern, you will need to become more emotionally available..

This post is in response to two of my most frequently asked questions: How do I become more emotionally available? and How do I start to break my pattern?.

I’m going to assume that you have empathy or certainly the ability to develop it —some people don’t and are highly unlikely to be reading this!—and what I have listed below are next step suggestions for what to do now that you are aware of the issue, and all are about taking action. Some will involve you doing some research to find out more or to explore options for professional support.

There is no magic solution, so I can offer you nothing that is going to be the equivalent of being at one of those sermons where the person leaps out of their wheelchair and declares, “I can WALK!” Contrary to popular belief, nobody can make you spontaneously combust into an emotionally available person. You have to do the work.

Oh, and yes, before anyone asks, I have done everything on the list over the last 12 years!

Right, here we go!

1. Which emotions do you try to avoid or shut out? It might surprise you to know that there’s more than fear, anger, hurt and happy. Lots of shutting down causes numbness or even ‘deadness’. In a nutshell, here’s how emotional unavailability versus emotional availability works: When you don’t feel a range of emotions you act as if you have a switchboard where you can turn off the ones you don’t feel like feeling. In actuality, there’s one switch for all emotions, so if you switch off what you think is one or a few, you’re affecting the circuitry to all of them, limiting your ability to feel even the most joyous of emotions. It also confuses your emotions because avoiding some, intensifies others, while some get misinterpreted. It’s this reason why I hear from so many people who don’t know the difference between fear caused by underlying familiarity with a pattern… and attraction. You’ve got to feel to heal.

2. Keep a Feelings Diary. I’ve been teaching people to do this for more than a decade, and it works. Your emotions are there to help you, not hinder you. If you consistently have a sense of how you are feeling, not only do you become more conscious, aware and present, but you are not going to become overwhelmed by suppressed and repressed emotions. Download my free Feelings Diary Guide.

3. Work out your pattern. Write down a list of the positive and negative traits of past partners, and do the same for family members and anyone significant from childhood. Compare simulates and notice the themes. Remember that patterns occur when you’re living unconsciously hence by becoming more conscious, aware and present, including about recognising the things that you have been doing automatically and without questioning the relevance to your current self and life, you are already breaking patterns.

4. Arrange to see a therapist with the aim of helping you to heal from your past. Work with somebody who encourages you to talk and to take action. Or work with a coach (yes, I do offer coaching), or look at alternative therapy options if you’re open to that, or look up personal development workshops. Throw whatever you can at it. What works for you might be different to what works for someone else. If the net result is that you wind up happier and healthier, the method is irrelevant. I didn’t go down the therapy route, but many others have. I opted for the holistic approach because I was seriously unwell at the time and implemented boundaries and committed to healing for the sake of my health. I’ve been doing acupuncture for over 11 years, kinesiology for almost 12, plus I visit an osteopath. In committing to self-care and moving old stress and trauma out of my body, I have been plugged into me for almost 12 years.

5. Identify your Relationship Character. Who do you become when you’re attracted to somebody, or you begin dating or are in a relationship? Make a note of the things that you say, do and think, noting in particular, the things that are a real departure from who you really are and that also cause you to feel anxiety, resentment and even deep pain. Note what you avoid and the boundaries that you suddenly forget — this is your Relationship Character. Any role you play is a block to intimacy so losing the mask makes you emotionally available. Give him/her a name and a backstory. Now you can note where he/she shows up and why, so that you can become more conscious, aware and present, plus you can compassionately but firmly tell them to have a seat.

6. Identify your common frustrations including the things that you consistently complain about —these are all things that you need to be and do for yourself. If it frustrates you that partners, friends etc., are always indecisive, examine your indecision. If you find that you’re consistently invalidated, where are you invalidating you in your attempts to gain their validation? If you feel unheard, where are you not listening to you?

7. Get conscious about your habits. Spend a week or two evaluating your daily routine. How much of your time is spent being truly present and connected to you and your life? How much of your time is spent feeling pissed off but then feeling powerless to do anything about it? How much of your time is spent being and doing things that distance you from your emotions or that help you to avoid getting ‘too close’ to people? Are there any habits that are having a knock-on effect on your wellbeing? For example, I have a client who was anaesthetising with food and drink because she was demoralised by her work. It turned out that it was because she was doing something that was someone else’s responsibility which in turn meant that she was never able to do her job within work hours.

8. Are you overdoing something in your life? For instance, if you’re a workaholic, which feelings/situations does work provide an escape from and why? If you have concerns that you’re exercising as a means of avoiding your feelings or limiting intimacy with others, acknowledge what is behind this so for instance, what are the origins of this habit? Feel that you’re comfort eating too much or that a few glasses of wine have become your go-to every day to cope with, for example, an unresolved work situation? Eating uncomfortable feelings or silencing the words that might slip out with food, drink, drugs etc., or using, for example, alcohol or drugs to get outside of yourself and adopt a persona, are very prevalent ways in which we make ourselves emotionally unavailable. Compassionately exploring these habits, possibly with the help of a professional, will help you to address the baggage behind these habits but also help put you back in touch with yourself.

9. Take a dating hiatus. I typically recommend 3-6 months although I’ve also had quite a few people do a year. If you tend to lose yourself in relationships or you get very triggered by dating, taking a clean break, so no collecting attention online, texting loose connections or exes, or sex, gives you the space to get into a monogamous relationship with you. You will learn a hell of a lot about yourself during this time, including where you might have been using romantic attention as an escape from uncomfortable feelings. Read more about dating hiatuses.

Bench-Pressing Life: Why Grief Is Making Me Possible

May 19, 2017 By NATALIE Reading Time: 3 Minutes

A few mornings ago, I woke up after what had been a rough night with grief that had been triggered by a succession of sad news about other people in my life. Suddenly, losing dad was fresh again.

Despite several hours sleep, I felt as if I hadn’t slept at all. I reflected on the fact that grief wise, it had been a pretty steady week or so where it had definitely managed to catch me in moments – I was walking through a forest with my family at the weekend and suddenly felt grief try to shake me by the shoulders – but that I’d managed to keep myself together. Tears started but retreated. I immersed myself in the moment. I took a deep breath, or yes, drew on my capacity for humour. Not possible that morning though. I sat on the edge of the bed in a daze, picked up my phone, opened up Evernote and this came out:

I’m bench-pressing life.

The grief sits on my chest, heavy, lighting up the lines of pain that run through me,

Alerting me to the presence of loss.

Reminding me that I feel.

Reminding me that even as I go on living, there is grief waiting to be released.

If I block the feelings, I can lift life a little but then the grief comes crashing down, harder, weightier, meaner than it felt before.

Suddenly what seemed manageable seems insurmountable.

The grief pushes down on me.

It’s tempting to give in.

It’s too much.

But to do so will mean that I’ll go numb, that I’ll be unable to deal with life.

So I feel, and at first it feels like I’m collapsing, choking, like it will be too hard.

Like this loss is taking my organs in its fists and squeezing the life out of me.

But my other feelings are also there, reminding me of my ‘humanness’, of my ability to care deeply.

Reminding me that I love and that I loved. That I chanced, that I breathed in joy for as long as it would hang around for this relationship.

That I’ve struggled, that I’ve fallen, howled, raged against it,

That I’ve broken before.

And that I can and will heal, with room to remember this loss but not be owned by it.

I am still me.

I can fit around this loss. Or is it, that it will fit around me?

Grief is rounding out the sharp edges of losses gone by, lighting up the pathways of old memories, old hurts, old stories that I had forgotten along with their significance to my current self-concept.

Pointing out to me how I respond to that which comes upon me to challenge me, grow me, reveal to me where I am blind to my power.

I have lost, but I’m also gaining in ways that I might not be aware of for some time, but they’re there.

I have lost, but grief will restore me in unexpected ways.

For now, I just need to let grief do its work, even though it hurts,

Even though it wants to pull at me at inconvenient moments.

Even though it likes to tap me on the shoulder after I think I’ve figured it out, just to remind me to surrender to the uncertainty of it.

One day, soon, I will be able to lift more of life than I did previously.

There will be moments where, with the benefit of hindsight, I recognise

Without grief, I would not have healed what used to come up in times gone by.

Without it, I would be disrupting joy without even realising it.

Without it, I would not be as much of myself.

Grief helped me do this.

Grief made this opening possible.

Grief is making me possible.

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The Pop-Up Relationship: The Temporary Romance That Expires & Never Develops

March 15, 2017 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

Have you ever spent time with somebody who gives amazing date and yet, afterwards it’s crickets? I did that on and off for four years. Honestly, if you’d met us on dates, wearing the face off each other and barely able to keep our hands to ourselves, laughing and putting the world to rights, you’d be forgiven for thinking that we were madly in love. Sadly, as I mentioned in Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, we’d have The Best Date Ever TM™ and then he’d go dark until next time.

I recently chatted with Margie who has been ‘seeing’ (I use that word loosely) a guy for two years where they have The Best Date / Weekend Ever ™ every 4-6 weeks or so. She thinks they have an amazing connection but is very concerned about how she’s on a permanent date with this guy when she technically wants to be in a serious relationship and settle down and have a family. The funny thing is though, is all they have is these dates/weekends. That’s it. There’s no actual relationship in between. They exchange texts here and there but after 2 years, even that’s on the wane.

It is now an established pattern that they can have a date or a weekend and that he will disappear, and that she will be right there when he is looking for entertainment again in the future.

In theory, walking away seems easy, after all, why would she want to keep seeing somebody who, in the space of 2 years has spent the same amount of time with her that someone else would do in the space of a few months?

Margie focusing on the feelings that she experiences on the dates has blinded her to what she feels afterwards. It is a rollercoaster and she harbours a fantasy that one day he’s going to come to her and say, ‘Baby, thank you for your patience over this last two years. I’ve decided you’re the one and I want to be with you every day and live happily ever after. Let me knock you up this minute’— not.gonna.happen.

When a relationship pops up for a short period of time and then disappears again, it’s a pop-up relationship or even pop-up romance.

Whose Moral Compass Are You?: The Conscience Wingman

March 8, 2017 By NATALIE Reading Time: 6 Minutes

I was recently asked if I recognised that I had adopted a role as a child, of being the conscience of my parents, which quickly made sense to me because I had the people pleasing habit, which is about showing other people how to behave. It’s like, ‘I did this so you should do that’ (the inferred reciprocal behaviour) or ‘I did this despite the fact that you did/do [some form of unwanted behaviour] so you should reward what I did with the [reciprocal behaviour] and correct things’.

I on some level hoped to activate their conscience so that they they would meet my needs, because like so many people I’ve come across through the blog over the years, I didn’t know any other way how.

When my efforts made no real difference and even led to criticism, I then used this multifaceted role, which included being over-responsible, having to be perfect, having to achieve but also to a particular standard to set an example to my siblings and to also fly the flag, as well as being fixer etc, to make myself purposeful by being a conscience wingman.

‘Don’t have a conscience? No problem! I’ll live it for you!’

This meant that while I hoped they (and later boyfriends) would change, I was thinking that at least I’d be useful in having the job of knowing what was right and wrong and so effectively, I’d get to right the wrongs of their past and in turn be free to move on and be me. I’ve been that quintessential over-responsible child as well as adult, who thought it was my job to keep everyone ‘safe’.

As I turned this idea of being someone’s conscience over in my mind, I was struck by this mental picture of a multitude of Reclaimers who in their efforts to please, have acted as the guide to other people’s behaviour, often going out with at best, narcissistically inclined folk and at worst, full-blown narcissists, who lacked empathy.

Why Be The Other Woman (or The Other Man)?

March 1, 2017 By NATALIE Reading Time: 4 Minutes

Every single day, somebody, somewhere, tells me that they are involved in an affair (or have just gotten out of one and hoping to stay out of it) and they all want to know: How (and why) the hell did I get myself into this mess?

It’s why I say that affairs are like exorcisms because if you had doubts about whether you had any real issues about relationships or whether you were hurt or even feeling broken by something from the past, an affair will gradually, and then very painfully, make you so aware of it, you will wish that you could slam Pandora’s box shut and press the reset button so that you’re right back there at the moment before you took The Big Wrong Turn.

I’ve noticed something in every story, that I now use to help people shine the light of awareness on their own journeys:

Something happened in the weeks and months preceding the affair, that meant that on some level, these people had given up.

They had often experienced a profound loss and/or some form of betrayal (which is in itself a loss) and felt so lost and broken that in the heat of anger, deep sadness and pain, they on some level vowed not to trust again (or to expose themselves to being hurt again) and so they gave up on genuine love and became open to the counterfeit kind.

Whatever this was, it was the straw that broke the donkey’s back, so even though it would appear that it was, for instance, a breakup, in reality, it was that breakup plus various other events from the past stretching right back to earlier in life, that when all combined, it had the domino effect of bringing it to the perfect storm of the affair.

If we look at what the purpose of any relationship is, so that’s the good and the not-so-good ones and everything in between, it’s to help us to heal, grow and learn.

Expecting Too Much of Yourself? Read This

February 23, 2017 By NATALIE Reading Time: 6 Minutes

A few years back, as an experiment, I wrote down everything I expected me to do over the course of a week, whether it was with regards to work, home, family, time for myself. I also noted my mood, particularly my sources of frustration, and I was in for a bit of a shock: just in terms of work alone, I typically expected me to do the equivalent of 3-4 weeks work in one week.

Now think about that for a moment: If I’m maxed out by 3-4 times my capacity before I even think about anything else, including trying to be The Perfect Mother TM or Wonder Woman, I am running on empty.

I, Natalie Lue, am a recovering people pleaser and recovering perfectionist. These are habits that I don’t have to be vigilant about daily but that I have trained myself to notice the signs of when I’ve deviated from what I know is right and true for me.

Some of my personal signs:

Trying to be in control of stuff that I’m not in control of
Spending far too long on something
Tweaking and tweaking and tweaking again
Over-giving
Not keeping it simple
A spate of forgetfulness
Cranky because I’m not voicing where I feel frustrated or out of control somewhere else
Exhaustion
Feeling as if I’m doing a trillion things at once
More than a handful of key things to do for the day
Anxiety
Resentment
Not feeling energised and lit up by what I’m doing
A frenetic energy
Wanting things yesterday so that I don’t have to feel anxious about whether something will go well or badly
Feeling that I am not a success

If you’re a people pleaser and perfectionist, you will have your own signs and the more awareness you have of them, is the less they take you over because you can respond to these and take you in a different direction.

Why Do Some of Us Find Birthdays & Big Occasions So Difficult?

February 1, 2017 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

Every birthday from thirteen to nineteen featured two things: me being cussed down and then being thrown out of the house. Nothing drastic or dreadful ever happened to trigger these rather strange birthday ‘gifts’ other than the arrival of the birthday itself, and my head would be near spinning at the speed at which nothing or something that seemed minor, could escalate into chaos and then, if there were guests arriving, switch back to acting as if everything was perfectly normal.

For a while I thought it was not cleaning the house to a high enough standard or helping out enough, or buying the ‘right’ gift, and then I realised that it didn’t matter what it was–these occasions, which included Mother’s Day and Easter, were very triggering for my mother.

For a number of years, these experiences were baffling, painful and embarrassing, until I discovered that a number of my own friends as well as plenty of Reclaimers, have been through similar experiences where their parents wrecked occasions that should, in theory, be a source of happiness and good memories.

It’s not something that’s talked about a great deal, possibly because aside from all of the associated memories and feelings, there’s a societal expectation that we’re supposed to be happy at these times and that if we find it difficult, that there’s something odd about us, so we grin and bear it to fit in, while often experiencing great pain within. In fact, just like the images of motherhood that are often at odds with reality, we’re peddled this idea that ‘everyone’ has positive memories of birthdays and that if they don’t, well, there must be something wrong with them.