It’s that time of year where despite our best intentions and even resolution(s) to move forward and have a fresh start, we can find ourselves grappling with temptation. Our unconscious intentions and fears make themselves known and if we feed them, they become stronger than our conscious intentions and desires.
When we feel compelled to reach out to an ex or to do something else that we on some level have doubts (and possibly alarm bells ringing) about doing, acknowledging our true intentions can be the difference between pain and gain.
By living with more conscious intention in the areas of our life where we’ve felt a great deal of stress, disappointment, loss, resentment etc., we set ourselves up for success. We also break unhealthy patterns because we’re quite simply living more consciously.
Take my friend’s recent situation: She broke it off with her ex due to his boundary-busting behaviour and made it very clear that despite their mutual friends, that she has no interest in remaining in touch. This was a big change because her pattern was to stay in touch with even the shadiest of exes.
Several months later while chatting to one of these mutual friends about a tax situation (which she knew nothing about), he suggested that he call up my friend about it (because she’d had an issue with the same department). The mutual friend told him it would fine… and then made a panicked call to my friend to warn her but also pointed out that it seemed like he had changed [from being super possessive and controlling]. Side note: I don’t know how that can be gauged from a call…
So, now this story makes its way to me while we’re enjoying a cuppa.
Me: Wait, why the frick would he be calling you? Who does he think you are? HMRC (the British tax office)?
Cue my friend doubled-up laughing trying to stop herself from choking on her tea.
Me: I can think of a few other options before he would even get to you. After HMRC, there’s, oh I don’t know… his accountant…. or a tax advisor. Then there’s JobCentre Plus… or the Citizens Advice Bureau… or, wait for it, Google. Not being funny but even you would happily admit that you’re no expert on [the tax matter]!
She’s still doubled up laughing and begging me to stop so she can finish her tea.
It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to work out that this guy isn’t calling for tax advice.
Like many a person (including myself) who has concocted an excuse to get in touch with their ex (or to go where you know they’ll be hanging out, dressed to the nines in heels they can barely walk in… cough…), his need for tax advice from his ex was a ploy to create an entry point for getting her attention.
It’s like, ‘All I want is some tax advice. How can she refuse?’
Easily, actually. Her refusal wouldn’t be because she’s a ‘mean person’; it’s because she doesn’t want to be manipulated and she values good boundaries even in the face of awkwardness.
Her conscious intention is/was to be done with him. In the past, her unconscious fears and intentions meant that fear of being disliked, fear of conflict but also fear that one of these guys would spontaneously combust into a prince as soon as her back was turned, caused her to have a revolving door of exes in her life.
As humans, we’re all living with intention.
Some of our intentions are conscious, some are unconscious and either way, they lead to outcomes and consequences. Unhealthy patterns can only exist when we’re living unconsciously. Awareness of why we do what we do in the way that we do it can halt what might be destructive and/or disingenuous choices. The more we live with conscious intention is the more we grow.
Why are we texting our ex at Christmas/New Year/on their birthday and other occasions that jump out at us?
Is it because all we want to do is wish them happy Christmas etc and there’s no agenda, no expectation?
Or, is it because:
- while we might tell ourselves that we want them back, what we really want is to win?
- we’re feeling crappy about something else and so receiving their temporary attention seems like a worthy distraction?
- we want to confirm that we still have the power to get their attention but also that they haven’t moved on or changed that much?
- we’re sabotaging something good, so reaching out causes self-rejection and lowers us back to feelings that reflect our negative beliefs?
Being honest about our intentions helps us make choices that better serve our well-being.
Even if we proceed because we, for instance, want that distraction, doing so will help us to learn from that experience. We, at least, won’t have to go through the rigmarole of fooling ourselves in the future and this can be quite an eye-opener as time goes on.
We can also acknowledge where we have conflicting intentions. If we intend to, for example, move forward with our self-esteem in tow after a breakup because we desire a better relationship but then opt for something casual to get attention, we can acknowledge where we’re taking us away from who we are and what we want.
Honesty about intentions also extends to recognising other people’s intentions.
No, we’re not mind readers but what a lot of us find ourselves doing is emotionally blackmailing us into ignoring our instincts because we don’t want to appear mean/judgemental/crazy/needy/too sensitive etc.
We then kick ourselves for what is often a split-second decision to repress what we know. What we know is often something that our rational brain is keen to talk us out of. What we know is often something that we’re uncomfortable with admitting or that yes, sometimes go against our [misguided] intentions and what we want to do.
I spoke to someone recently whose married ex got in touch. She knew that he didn’t mean her any good but admitting that meant letting go once and for all. It meant recognising that he’d always been dishonest and manipulative. She regretted letting herself get sucked back in.
Acknowledging other people’s intentions or even the reality of their behaviour isn’t about seeing the worst in people. Hell, it’s not even about seeing the worst in ourselves.
Another reader explained recently how she’d intended to disclose the affair to the wife. Admitting that her true intention wasn’t to ‘help’ helped to ground her in her true values. It prevented her from doing something she would have felt ashamed about. That, and it also forced her to acknowledge what she was trying to avoid.
Being honest about intentions isn’t about being judgemental of you or others; it’s about judging the situation and recognising whether it’s in alignment with how you want to feel and continue feeling but also who you truly are.
With this in mind, here are a few self-care tips:
- Forget about trying to make you (or others) ‘wrong’. Instead, use recognition of intentions to set you up for success by acknowledging how intentions influence choices but also outcomes. For example, on a night out, I check in with me about whether I want to drink and why. If I want to, cool, but if we’re thinking that I ‘should’ drink to ‘fit in’, the latter would lead to me feeling crappy. Another common example: Are you having sex because you want to or is it because you feel as if you ‘should’ if you want to increase your chances of seeing your date again?
- Acknowledge the desired outcome. Be honest about what you want. If you weren’t going to get [the desired outcome], would you still go ahead? Have you done this (or similar) before? If so, what happened? Make sure that you’re not putting you on the disappointment cycle. If you wouldn’t still go ahead, you either need to be honest with the other party about your expectations or revise them. Using the sex example above, I hear from far too many people who have sex almost like a down payment on a relationship and then feel aggrieved when things don’t work out. If they were honest, not just about that intention but also how that intention compromised them, they’d halt.
- Remember that hidden intentions often means hidden agenda. That doesn’t make you shady but what it does mean is that you will be conflicted. Progress is slow if hidden motivations and fears are running the show. If you value integrity, honesty, peace of mind and equitable, available relationships, lose the hidden agenda by bringing it into the open.
- Keep in mind who you really are and where you want to go and grow. Are your intentions in line with your values (priorities, preferences and principles) and boundaries? If not, halt.
- When you’re tempted to do something that you suspect doesn’t have your best intentions in mind, get grounded. Sit in a quiet space, take a few deep breaths and ask, What am I afraid of? and see what comes up and then ask why and keep asking to get down to the root fear. It might take 5 to 7 whys but you’ll get there.
- Consider what you know about the person. Are your intentions in some way based on this hypothesis that they’ve changed?
- Beyond the instant gratification, is there the potential for a medium- to long-term hangover?
- Acknowledge where your intentions might be different from those of the person involved. Thinking If it were me can blind you to the truth. Stay in your lane.
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Nat you always nail things and so good to have another post.
I sent a letter to a woman who was close friend and then when I became ill she backed off. I got a text after no contact in months November past which was the do I need to buy you a Christmas present text. She was your classic EU woman and what was an association after 4 years was her communicating by text. So I told her by text (mirroring) about a difficult situation and got no response. A true friend would have responded and more likely picked up the phone. Over Christmas I sent her a letter ending the association and explaining why, namely she disrespected the friendship, hurt me with her behaviour and more to the point she disrespected me. She made her intentions known by marginalising me in her life and executing a slow fade out few men could match. So she got flushed.
A man the same age as me, who I knew professionally whilst coming on to me talked in singular as in I for 9 months! It came out in due course that there was a we, a women young enough to be his daughter yuk). His intention was to enjoy an ego stroke at my expense and see what his chances were which is why he never said we. It also showed me that he didn’t respect the woman in his life if he wouldn’t acknowledge her no matter her age and that she was just a make do. He had no intention of buying the cow (her) as he was getting the milk free but that didn’t stop him taking his chance with another woman. I’m also sure that his intention was to have me as a side piece to that he had the intention to jump ship without getting his feet wet. Any man who disrespects a partner/companion by not talking about them would do the same to any woman whilst also continuing to be what became obvious; a lothario. I pity this man and his young woman as she is isn’t getting things taken to the next level because he wants to have his cake and eat it. She waited 18 months to meet his children (yes really) and 20 months for him to go public with her on FB and she hasn’t got the ring either so is allowing herself to be strung along. Personally I’d have bailed within 3 months with this creep but that is probably why he likes such large age gaps to manipulate and control young women. FB is a great way to find out information about people. He did these things for her after I made it quite clear there was nothing because I recognised behaviour that wasn’t compatible with my boundaries that were red flags. He talked the talk but didn’t do the walk and I listened to everything he said that backed up what I suspected. Yes he was fanciable and we had so much in common, but he bust my boundaries and I knew that if I went there he wouldn’t treat me well and would do the same to me that he was doing to a young woman who thought she had the man of her dreams. Thank goodness I also had a principle not to mix work and pleasure for the sake of a relationship.
WARNING..this is a long rant…I have been reading BR posts and listening to the podcast for about a year and half. The posts, comments, and podcasts have been extremely helpful. This blog post today came at a perfect time as I had a situation today with my EU “attached man” (not married but in a long term, approx. 20 yrs, relationship). He lives with his GF/mother of 2 his children. Some background about my relationship with him…Close to 4 years ago I separated from my husband of 21 years. I have three grown children. My relationship with husband was emotionally, verbally, and financially abusive including alcoholism, DUI’s, job loses. I knew the EU attached guy for a number of years as previously I worked with him. We started seeing each other him knowing I was separated me knowing he was “attached”. After being in the abusive relationship with my husband seeing the EU attached guy was great at first. I was flattered that someone wanted me, thought I was beautiful, smart, fun after being told by husband that I was none of those things. EUA guy and I guy definitely had chemistry and a connection. He told me that things weren’t good in his current relationship that he wanted out but his kids were his reason that he stayed. We saw each other for about 2 years. The first 9 months we saw each other quite often then it became less frequent. There were so many red flags aside from him being attached and me being separated and not fully over and healed from my relationship with my husband. About the year mark I told him I was in love with him. He didn’t reciprocate. I also found myself doing things and bending over backwards to please him and keep him in the relationship even when he would have conversations with me saying he didn’t want to lead me on or come meet me after this wedding and stay over only for him to get up early to leave to go fishing, I drove and hour each way to literally see him for 5 or 6 hours part of which we were asleep. Fast forward to almost the two year mark when he informed me that he talked with his GF and he told her he wasn’t happy and that he was going to move out in a month at the end of that May. That’s around the time I started reading BR posts. I thought great maybe this can progress and yes he’s picking me (how pathetic). I told myself that if the end of May came and went and nothing happened I was done with the whole thing. I didn’t say anything to him I just waited to see if it would happen. Guess what the end of May came and went. First week of June we went out one night with a friend of his. I asked what was going on with his leaving. He said he didn’t know. He wasn’t sure what he was doing. That was it. I changed my number. Blocked him from all social media. He sent e-mails to my work e-mail just wanting to talk. I told him I didn’t want to be his “side chick”. If weren’t seeing each other I also didn’t want to be relegated to friend. We didn’t see each other all summer. In the Fall we hung out twice not alone and nothing sexual happened. Around that time his GF’s father was diagnosed with cancer. He told me he could leave as he didn’t want to look like an A**hole by leaving her then. At that point I instituted no contact as I didn’t see the point of communicating if he wasn’t changing his living situation and I didn’t want to interfere anymore with their relationship and everything that was going on. I ignored e-mails sent to work. I can only send them to my junk box I can’t block unless the admin does it through the main program. Around Christmas I got an e-mail wishing me a merry christmas and that he was having surgery on his thyroid. I replied that I wished him well. What else could I say. Not like I could go to the hospital and see him as the GF and her family would be there. He told me my text was the most uncaring sounding text he ever got. I once again started no contact. Fast forward to this past summer when I got an e-mail asking if we could at least meet up to talk as he would be in the city for work and that we were friends first. I agreed as I felt close to a year had passed since we had be in an intimate relationship capacity. Things were friendly enough and he mostly talked about himself, what he was up to, where he had traveled to, and what I was missing not see him. We chafed for about an hour and left it at that. A few weeks later he wanted to meet for lunch where he professed his feelings for me and I reiterated that I was not going to “date” someone in an attached relationship. I got some e-mails about how hard it is and how sad/depressed he is and cant move past everything to which I replied I didn’t understand as we hadn’t really seen each other for a year and half. Right before this past christmas I got an e-mail asking if we could meet for lunch on a day I would be out of town. He wished me a merry christmas and suggested lunch the week after christmas. I never heard from him. At the beginning of this week I got an e-mail asking to meet Wednesday (today) as he would be in town. I agreed under the guise of a lunch between friends to catch up and he agreed that’s what it was. I got an email today from him asking if we could do it another time as he had a rough shift and felt sh*tty. I replied yeah no problem. He then asked if he could see me some other time other then lunchtime but not a date. I told him I thought lunch was better. During the day just friends catching up. I then get an e-mail about how we shouldn’t give up on what we had and how amazing it was and that he knows how he feels about me and he knows how I feel about him and I’ll never be happy where I am and he’s just putting it out there about how he feels and I can respond or not respond however I want. Well obviously. I didn’t respond. Nothing has changed. He’s still living with the GF. The intentions for the lunch on his end maybe for him to convince me. My intentions..I don’t want to be mean, admit that “we” are never going to happen, I want to be a bigger person and be the one whose friends with the ex. It’s all BS. It’s a lot of talk and NO action after 3 and half years but I’m so afraid to fully let go because that’s when suddenly he’ll leave or what if he leaves but it’s for someone else. Why do I care so much what he thinks. He cheated on GF and told me he didn’t care that he cheated on her and I’m not the first person he has cheated on her with. And believe me I beat myself up over my part in it. When he told me he didn’t care that he cheated on her I told him that I was not proud of myself for my part in it.
I think you are best to go NC. It will sort your feelings and you will be at a stronger place to deny him forever. You have been very smart and very strong to go NC in the past, that has shown good boundaries. You are right that nothing will ever change, let him go and focus on loving yourself.
I just did the same, a EU who had been in and out for the past 12 months. Reading BR I was able to cut him off on Saturday but I stuck idly apologised, only to have him ignore me first time ever. I think it’s good anyway, I wanted to get on with my life and find something healthy, and yeah it hurts but it’s for the best. I have to concentrate on me.
I’ll keep reading this page for new replies. Keep strong x
*stupidly apologised not idly
Phoenix thank you for the words of encouragement. It does hurt and it hurts to be ignored but you’re right it for the best. By going NC we are also ignoring them.
It helps to know that I’m not alone as so many of us on BR are in or have been in similar situations. Today I just feel really sad because I really am in love with him still or the fantasy of him. After our e-mail exchange yesterday thankfully I haven’t received any more e-mails from him. I don’t think I can take the “lather rinse repeat” exchanges anymore. I just have to stick with NC. I thought about it. What were my true intentions for accepting to see him for lunch? I’ll tell you. So I can be sure he’s still interested, I like the attention, so he can tell me of his plans to leave his current situation…but then after I’m hooked and agreeing to see him romantically I know it will be postpone postpone postpone. I’d most likely get all kinds of excuses why his leaving wouldn’t happen. So there really is no point in ever seeing him again. I have to stop kidding myself and hime in saying that we would meet up as friends. I’m realizing that it is not easy to try to be friends after a breakup when it’s forced. As I’ve learned from BR the only way that’s works is if it happens organically after enough time has passed.
I agree with you on the working on ourselves and loving ourselves first but I feel like that comes hard for a lot of us here on BR. We are definitely works in progress. One difference I will never apologize to him and I have never and will never reach out first (not that I will be as I’m NC at this point). I just have never and never will give him the opportunity to ignore me first.
I hope that when he said in the e-mail he sent yesterday that he was tired of chasing and playing games that he really is and finally stops contacting me from time to time just as I’m starting to get over it and move on.
You stay strong too Phoenix.
Oh trust me, I am always working on self love. My 5yo daughter is at her dad’s this weekend and its 9.30pm. I’ve been reading the Messenger messages between my EUM, and trying my hardest not to beg for him to talk to me. Logically, I KNOW I would just make myself look desparate. I need his attention, its the drug to fix my issue called ‘Abandonment’. I’ve always been its victim. But now I know why.
I was with my EUM ex, father of my daughter, for 7 year’s. Every time I wanted to sort an issue out with him, he would pull the silent treatment. I would then start my begging. I was in absolute pain. i always felt empty. But he would ignore. I never understood why people ignored that pain, the dire need to have the person back and feel safe. it felt so cruel, like a game. He, and EUM have that power with me. And now I know not to cave. But they rarely do come back. And it proves to me that I was never important. They can always leave.
When this EUM was contacting me over Christmas so much, I felt anxious like I needed to cut things off. I was building up the courage to do it. I decided I disliked him, found him physically ugly. I felt like I could see him properly – a user. Toxic. But now I want his attention. When he contacts me I dont want it, I feel anxious but also peaceful, or is that fake confident? Like I have his validation. When he is gone, his worth is 100x more. Its like I engage in this ‘come here get away’ thing, almost like i like trying to pull him back but then i dont want him. Because he is bad for me.
i have never had a relationship where my side counts as much, i get stuck doiung everything he wants and then he is able to leave me easily.
I think, in telling them our logic and reasoning, they still see us as available to use – they will still come back, because they know we let them. If we decide to cut them off we need to do it and not care what they think. Because they dont believe us anyway. We just need to stay NC, friendships require boundaries and I dont think you can be friends just yet with him. They dont care what we want, like you said ‘ postpone postpone postpone’ because they know they can doormat us, they already have.
I didn’t finish your whole entire story, but I don’t understand why you are upset with this man?
You joined him pretty much knowing he is married, 20 years is pretty much marriage. No matter how unhappy he is, his actions are he is still with the other woman.
My advice is to take a VERY long break from dating, work on your self esteem, love yourself and focus on you. When you have a healthier perspective you wouldn’t waste time with a man like this, you are better than this. It’s better to be alone and single than in bad company stressing all the time.
Thank you Carol. You’re so right. Sometimes all you need is to hear an objective opinion of the situation to get that reality check. I was/am upset with him for a lot of future faking etc. and after I ended it.. after all this time he’s still trying to pursue a relationship while he’s still with longtime girlfriend. I know I know because I keep leaving the door open ever so slightly by responding to his contact. I completely own my part in it. I stuck in there trying to bend over backwards so he would “pick me”. So I have to be accountable for my end of it and stick to NC for good. I believe I can achieve it because what would be the point of more contact. I really am over being stressed.
This came at a perfect time – as usual. I need to make a decision how to reply to my cousin who just contacted me after over 3 years of silence . After being relatively close for several years, life got hard for her (miscarriage, drug use …), and over the past 15 years or so she regularly flits in and out of my life (basically she ghosts people/family until she needs them again).
The last time she flaked on me , I decided that I would no longer try to maintain a connection. My mother started saying things like ‘oh she really misses you, she says she never hears from you’. I finally sat my mother down and explained that I was tired of trying to maintain a connection. That I was tired of letting myself be hurt and disappointed by her behavior. And, that if she wanted to talk to me all she had to do was pick up the phone rather than mention it to my mother.
So come this week, I get a long text from my cousin saying how she’s been thinking of me a lot lately. How she’d like us to talk on the phone (not text) and could I find a time … because SHE has so much to tell me. HER life has been so hard the past two years (yep, mine too, almost died then got a divorce). SHE’s so busy taking care of her mother and her daughter. SHE’s exhausted. Not one single question asking me how I am. Oh she says she wants to hear all about my new house and all but … that’s not what her text message conveys.
I haven’t replied. I want to sit on this. I need to figure out if I want this woman in my life. And if I do, what are my terms and conditions. What will I accept and what will I not accept? Will I communicate this to her and how?
Having been in a similar situation and still with slightly different details with the same jist == my cousin before I cut her out of my life for good used to pop in to get something from me, say or do something to hurt my feelings obliviously then fly away obliviously while I’m silent for the “sake of family” rise, lather, repeat. She’s gone for pretty much good out of MY life, but works my dad b/c she doesn’t need me (his real daughter) to work him (his fake daughter). No one understands what standards and boundaries are, except for me, apparently, also people can’t and won’t tell “the truth” and THEIR truth(s). So, when I call it and say “She needs to stop working you like a daughter, you’re just barely her blood anyway” — I am the one made to be the bad guy. Dealing with the content of the original post, “intentions” — my cousin’s intent with me was never to have a bond — but to get her needs met from my intact nuclear family structure (because she lacked one, among other reasons).
“Cousins” and all extended family are weird == they are close but somehow not, aka sometimes they pull the “family” card to the extent it suits them, only. Beware of ANYONE, including “family” who cannot get and STAY close to you through thick and thin.
SO!
I haven’t replied. — good, don’t.
I want to sit on this. — good, do
I need to figure out if I want this woman in my life. —
You don’t you just haven’t given yourself permission “for the sake of family”
And if I do, what are my terms and conditions. What will I accept and what will I not accept? Will I communicate this to her and how? — You’ve been communiceating what you want just fine for 3 years now. Stick to it, that and NC.
Best to you — I’d be curious what you have to say about my situation, like, if you think *I* did the right thing.
Actually I am on the page of you are doing the right thing here with an individual who from what you say comes across as emotionally immature and manipulative. We don’t need these people in our lives to bring us down.
My sister was similar; situations always being about her, an emotional vampire, control freak and attention seekers, moaning about things in her “hard” life that were trivia compared to my problems at one point of nearly being homeless and broke. A classic text communicator and very EU. My Dad helped me put food on my table during that time when my marriage hit the rocks due to my ex’s serial adultery, a home being sold and divorce going through. All my sister could find that was so important was to moan about out mother who was mentally ill. Yes my sister got sucked in because she lived 5 mins away. I was hundreds of miles away and was trying to re-establish my life after such upheaval which she missed having always had a silver spoon in her mouth.
Eventually I felt that she was just sucking the life out of me and didn’t understand my situation. So we barely talk now and that is fine by me. I was giving CPR to something that had long since deceased. She deliberately avoided any invitations to visit me in my post divorce home, let me down often and would ring me saying she could only spare a few minutes or if she was out not ringing back for days. Her intent was clear in that I wasn’t important enough in her life for her to invest time and effort.
Sometimes we have to recognise that even our blood ties aren’t sustainable. I felt a load lifted when I decided to express my feelings and cut her out. Instead of looking at it maturely she ran to our father like she always did as a child and told him I’d upset her. I stood my ground and told him that I wouldn’t have her as a friend if I met her and as such just because she was my sister didn’t mean I should have her in my life when we had nothing in common and there had never been much of a relationship between us over decades. I don’t regret that decision but know how I felt being on the side of her life and it wasn’t nice being fed crumbs by her.
All I got from this comment is that life got hard for you both. Understandable you expect her to try as hard as you did but may not be aware of the barriers for her to do that. Sure you both valued each other. Seems like she was attempting to fill you in and ask about you in attempt to find something to talk about which in my personal experience after years of not talking to someone even if you know basics about their life now is hard.
Sometimes we expect similar effort and ways to connect from people and they for various reasons don’t or can’t. By all means good on you for acknowledging it is what it is or isn’t working for you and making decisions in your interest.
I don’t see anything wrong with expecting that if you treat someone with respect and act with integrity that you should get the same back. When you are being played and used then you have to set your boundaries and decide what you will accept but no-one should be left existing on crumbs. Relationships or friendships in life are about two way communication. Sure times can get rough but there is also reciprocity so that if one takes out more than they are putting in the other recognises this so when the wheels turn and the situation is reversed the other one reciprocates. When that doesn’t happen or it happens often and one is doing all the giving and the other taking then it becomes time to make a decision and call it. That essentially is what BR is all about because so many toxic situations arise due to lack of communication, hidden agendas, dealing with crumbs and being used for gain.
Hallo — a brief check in to state I really appreciated peoples’ insights — the intents of “family” ties are hard to process especially when nuclear and close-ish (like first cousins, aunts, uncles) should feel real and close but often aren’t.
This confusion and mixed messages set us up for other icky situations because it’s like, “if my family isn’t close, who else is going to want to be close? Am I just Ms. Self Reliant to the extreme, then?”
I’ve felt very alone navigating such issues centered around the intent of others to be and stay close — glad to read I’m not so alone with that kind of dynamic.
There may have been some issues in the marriage that she wasn’t happy, but I bet you weren’t happy either, but you didn’t cheat! If unhappiness in the marriage is what causes people to cheat??? We’d all be cheaters! There was this guy who helps people gain access to email accounts, facebook messengers, whatsapp chats, phone texts and calls, heard he is reliable and reputable. DIGITALHACK10 at GMAIL dot COM, just incase you think your partner might be cheating .
Welcome back Natalie. Missed your posts!
Great timely post per usual.
Think in some cases it’ s worth breaking no contact . Some issues don’t just go away when the person stops communicating.
Being intentional, honest, and explicit if only with self helps a lot.
There is no point in no contact if you break it. That shows weak boundaries and can led to the lather, rinse, repeat scenario. NC is a mechanism to protect us and if we as much as open the door by breaking it, then people who have sent us into NC know we a) didn’t mean it, b) don’t value ourselves and c) can be treated no differently than in the past. The point is make it clear that no contact is exactly that.
It’s been a long time since I’ve been on BR and apologies if I get a bit off topic, but I really feel the need to connect again and write down what’s in my head. I’m feeling lonely in my pain.
I’m just back from an annual meeting with my company, my fourth of this type. Just before my second I met a guy at another meeting and we really clicked, and I was excited to be meeting him again three weeks later (there is an ocean between us literally). We hung out and chatted and after a lot of drinks one night things got physical, and then of course afterwards I may have been invisible!
I let things go, didn’t speak to him for a year and then at the third meeting saw him again. On the first night we ended up hooking up again, much to my shame, and again I didn’t exist afterwards. The difference this time was that he was very busy trying to hook up with some new girls who had joined the company too.
One year later and I was determined not to go there again, and I didn’t, but because I wasn’t asked! He was tapping up someone else instead, and generally getting himself surrounded by a nice harem of young girls. I have to admit I feel really rejected and deeply appalled with myself for feeling that way – like how could I want attention from him?!? Well, it’s complicated, I do and I don’t want it.
The other piece of this is him being part of the cool crowd. I recognised today it brought back feelings from back in school when I never quite fit in with them and had slept with the odd boy then to try and be a part of them. So, 25 years later these wounds still come up. I found myself feeling jealous and angry and being very derisive to other folk about his general over the top partying. I reverted to childhood!
Anyway, trying to get back into my daily life now and manage the self loathing…
I’ve been a big fan of this site for a long time. After 3 years of back and forth with my EU ex, trying to do no contact (and succeeding for 8 months last year) I finally realized what Natalie has been saying all along. They are never going to change. The latest switcheroo from hot to cold was yesterday, and instead of getting mad or hurt, or asking him why he was flipping again, pulling away, or just being a general dick, I just said “this email made me laugh. Goodbye.” Laughing really at myself, because I’m the moron who has put up with it for so long and let him use me for work referrals, armchair physcologist and, I am embarrassed to say, free lunches) But it feels great! Natalie is so right to say it never a good idea to try to tell them all about themselves, or how awful they are. I’ve done this in the past and only ended up apologizing for HIS behavior later. I hope it’s the last thing I ever say to him. Of course he responded trying to backtrack and saying I could call him anytime I needed something. No thanks. I Immediately blocked him (FYI, you can do this in Microsoft outlook, just set up an email rule on messages you receive and check permenantly delete. It took me awhile to figure this out, but it does work!) Thanks Natalie for all your support, keep up the good work, and to the other girls out there, ask yourself what you really want from the relationship. For me it was validation, but I finally figured out that I was only validating him, and not the other way around. Good luck!
Winny and Nat,
I am so grateful to you both. How wonderful that in my confusion and sadness that Natalie is a guardian angel who is guiding me to grow in ways that all people should be guided.
BR has been in my life positively for the last two and a half years. I, as much as any of us as followers wish that he would “spontaneously combust” into or back to the person I fantasized him to be. Luckily, there are those of you who are generous enough to share your experience that they never ever will.
With a heavy but somewhat optimistic heart, I promise you, that I am trying to grow in a positive direction, remain in “no contact” and examine my “agenda”. This is one of the few places in my entire life that I have felt loved, respected and understood.
Thank you with a sincere heart.