Fear of abandonment causes us to lower our standards. We’re afraid that if we don’t be and do all the ‘right’ things, that we’re going to be deserted and unable to survive. To protect us against this fate, we try to work out the conditions for us to be ‘pleasing’ so that we can limit or outright avoid abandonment. As a backup, we also become adept at aligning ourselves with situations where we can limit risk by limiting vulnerability and intimacy.
Not fully realising what we’re doing, this becomes our role (the function we play within relationships). We build our habits of thinking and behaviour on this role, aligning with people/situations we ‘fit’, even if it hurts.
Fearing re-experiencing the hurt and loss from the past, we either go ahead and try and have relationships but lower our standards to lessen the likelihood of abandonment or, we avoid relationships altogether.
Why do we lower our standards?
When we feel unworthy of the type of relationship where our needs and desires could be met, we lower our standards. We accept less than mutual love, care, trust and respect. We reason that it will hurt less to be abandoned by someone who reflects our fear of abandonment. There’s a fear that if a genuinely loving person got to know us, they’d reject us due to unworthiness.
Deeming this too painful, we consciously and unconsciously gravitate to people who represent the past. We believe that they’re less risky partners because their behaviour (or how we feel around them) is familiar. They represent part of a pattern that we know how to play our part in. It allows us to attempt to right the wrongs of the past so that we can correct the old abandonment.
Lowering our standards to protect us from hurt and loss inevitably creates more. It keeps re-opening the old wound.
Our comfort zone is painful but we figure that at least we know what to expect and that it can’t get much worse. It does. Self-abandonment is horrific.
The truth is, we lower our standards and yes, accept the unacceptable at times because we assume that it removes any reason for that person to leave. We think that if we’re a ‘good little girl/boy’ and sacrifice ourselves, that they won’t go away.
We’re basically trying to get our needs met by putting us in dire situations. Suffering is seen as a means to pay off old guilt about being an inadequate child who was able to control the uncontrollable. We mistakenly believe that if we’re suffering, someone has to step up and come to our rescue.
When we experience hurt and loss, we determine that we’ve failed.
Wait, I’m not even ‘good enough’ to prevent being abandoned by someone I’ve lowered our standards for? Man, I really must be worthless.
So, what happens next? Well, we either lower our standards further (and experience diminishing returns), or we give up on relationships.
Why do we opt to avoid relationships?
We either opt out from the outset or it happens after feeling abandoned again due to the breakdown of a relationship. We lower our standards for the type of life we want to have.
It could be that we made a conscious decision to avoid dating, or we busied ourselves in study or work. We might busy ourselves in someone else’s problems to distract us from having time for a relationship.
We’ll say that we’re looking for a relationship but our life is perfectly designed to avoid this. E.g. being insanely busy at work, using shyness as a cast-iron alibi, insisting that there’s no good men/women to date, or claiming that no one wants us. Maybe we always have crushes on people where we know deep down that it’s never gonna happen.
We decide that it’s better to be alone, to be fiercely independent, because at least we’re in control; we can’t be abandoned.
Whether it’s excessive work, exercise, a cause, other people’s drama, or being self-critical, they’re anaesthetising painful feelings about abandonment. They silence and suppress the feelings and thoughts that we’re afraid will escape if we stand still for too long.
Avoiding relationships to deal with fear of abandonment is emotional purgatory. It’s punishment for having got a previous relationship ‘wrong’, for a misstep, for not having something like the the right kind background, or for being an inadequate child that caused their inadequate childhood or painful experiences.
We might look at our family and decide, No way am I ever going to end up like my mother or trapped/overwhelmed by a man like my father.
There might be a desire to, for instance, have a family. Forecasting the many ways in which will be abandoned or feeling unworthy of being a parent, blocks this out.
We might reason that it’s better to be alone than ever run the risk of having to give up our career. Relationships become associated with losing one’s self and basically having to sacrifice too much.
We abandon our hidden hopes and dreams. We base our limitations on the past because that matches our feelings of low self-worth.
In some respects, we’d love to have a relationship but we don’t think we can take the hurt [of being abandoned]. We reason that at least we can put a certain amount into work and get something back, that the exercise pays off, our friends appreciate us etc. Next thing, we’re experiencing diminishing returns. Frustrations arise in these areas because our unresolved past is calling on us to confront and heal it.
Despite our attempts to avoid abandonment by avoiding relationships, those painful feelings resurface. Exacerbated because we inadvertently use whatever we escape to as a form of structure, consistency and validation, we invariably have boundary issues that lead to exhaustion, overwhelm, perfectionism and feeling underappreciated. We then feel inferior and self-critical. We wonder why we can’t catch a break.
To avoid these feelings, we might begin a new relationship and due to having starved ourselves of affection, attention etc., we choose an unhealthy partner (because we’re abandoning ourselves again). Cue more hurt and loss.
Fear of abandonment is a vicious cycle that ends when we break the habit of self-abandonment. We stop blaming and shaming us for the pain we went through earlier in our life. We stop blocking receiving love, care, trust and respect.
Each time we abandon ourselves by making someone our oxygen supply, by sacrificing us for someone else’s agenda, or by blocking loving relationships, we reinforce the untruth that we deserved the original abandonment. We decide that we don’t deserve better.
When we lower our standards to protect us from being ‘back there’ in the past keeps us small. We punish those younger versions of us and we don’t allow them to grow into truth. We’re denied a life.
We can never be in that place again. We’re not that kid anymore or still in that old relationship.
We have more power than we believe. We can begin healing ourselves through the powerful recognition that no child deserves abandonment. The cycle can and will end when we stop looking for romantic partners to be our parent and fix our past.
A change in the way in which we respond to our past, heals our past, because we stop supporting the lies that we’ve been telling us.
It’s not our job to play the part of the abandoned. What we’ve been doing is a role and it’s not our job to be the ‘best of the worst’ and to suffer. We don’t need to seek compensation for the past nor do we need to pay off the guilt we feel for our abandonment by accepting unfulfilling relationships.
We no longer need to use people pleasing to protect ourselves from our fear of abandonment. Whether it’s about performing, accepting sub-par behaviour and situations, or dimming our light, they all recreate abandonment. We perpetually set ourselves up for disappointment by living in the past and yes, living a lie.
Believing that we have to do these things is a misunderstanding that our lack of ‘enoughness’ caused our original abandonment. It’s a naive assumption that our pleasing solutions were a fix.
We are trying to fix an original problem that we didn’t cause and that we had no responsibility in fixing. How we continue to respond to the original problem in spite of our growth and the opportunity to view our past with more self-compassion, is our responsibility. It’s persecution of the self. We’re pursuing meeting an unmet need via a fantasy that represents an unrealistic situation.
What if the way in which we see our abandonment isn’t accurate?
It doesn’t mean that we didn’t experience abandonment but it’s acknowledging whether the reasons we tell ourselves are the truth. That doesn’t change what happened but it changes the meaning that we attribute about that event to our self-concept.
For example, a parent who abandoned their child, whether it’s through emotional distance, lack of support and nurturing, or abuse, has also abandoned themselves. They gave up or were a no-show because of their own issues and backstory.
We do not need to prove that we are loveable and worthy by denying the truth, hoping it will make that person give us what we need.
There’s no need to suffer to earn forgiveness for our trauma. We don’t need to suffer to make up for what others couldn’t be or do.
Ultimately, we do not need to fear abandonment anymore if we stop using shame and blame to abandon ourselves. Through our path of self-forgiveness, we no longer align ourselves with people/situations that match the way we used to feel. We set ourselves free to heal, grow and learn.
Your thoughts?
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“There’s a fear that if a genuinely loving person got to know us, they’d reject us due to unworthiness.”
Which is ironic, because we can create a vicious cycle of doing something that rejects a genuinely loving person, but then we think we’re unworthy precisely because the emotionally healthy person left us.
I’m up here trying to just recognize that emotionally healthy person IF I meet him, and so far not having much luck.
Could they (husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend) be cheating ?
Are you suspicious of their current characters ?
is this a relapse of 3 years ago ?
But you have the right to change that before it’s too late…
Need to verify his intentions.
know what he says with his ex on whatsapp chats, facebook chats, phone call conversations, text messages, instragram messages, find: DIGITALHACK10 at GMAIL dot COM. If you’re in a committed relationship you deserve to know.
I recognize that these type of issues arise because of what happened in my childhood but I am struggling to heal the past and love myself enough. I believe that my Father was a workaholic who was away a lot for business and he didn’t provide much emotional support. I never wanted for anything financially which is how I think my Father thought he was showing love. When he was home he worked even more and was always mad and seemed to blow up at little things. I never felt good enough in his eyes. I think I have finally come to terms with my Mother’s narcissistic personality traits. She can be loving and supportive one minute but turn on you as soon as you miss a beat. It’s absolutely exhausting and hurtful to deal with this as an adult but I can only imagine how destructive it was as a child. I am trying hard to heal from this but I feel stuck as a child sometimes and afraid of my own judgement. I just want to be free someday from the pain and to be able to make healthier choices to protect myself. Thank you for all of your blog posts and books, I am reading “Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl” and “The No Contact Rule” right now.
I have just read Abandonment Recovery Workbook but Susan Anderson and I feel finally I have given a voice to the feelings about abandonment and strategies and tools to work through the painful past.
I am working my way through that book too right now. What to do – I literally was abandoned – I don’t just fear it, I have actually experienced it. I am interested in any other resources people can recommend.
“We decide that it’s better to be alone, to be fiercely independent, because at least we’re in control; we can’t be abandoned.”
because it is “purgatory” and because I “can’t catch a break” this is all I can do. It’s so confusing.
Your posts are always just what I need to read. Glad to see you writing again xxx
This is so apt for
me right now, I have been 2 years almost out of a relationship and swore I’m happy without one, don’t need one, working all the time obsessively. All re surfaced today due to Christmas family trauma, old wounds, abandonment issues, self doubt, tears, horrible, horrible day when I thought I was doing good. Thanks so much for this as I can put it all into some kind of perspective now .
Great post, thanks Natalie.
As Buddha said, “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear”. Well I’m here Natalie, (again) and I’m ready to learn. This post is so timely as I just broke up with my EU, narcissist of a boyfriend of five years. Like Natalie said I lowered my standards/expectations to not scare him away and make him feel comfortable. What ended up happenning was that I grew angry, resentful and frustrated. The straw that broke the camel’s back happened on Saturday night when I was begging him to have sex with me! How ridiculous is that, having to BEG my boyfriend for sex. We hadn’t had sex in six weeks. His excuse is that his libido is not high anymore and that this is just the way he is now and ever more. Mind you we’ve only spent weekends with each other for the past 5 years due to the fact that we live about an hour away from each other. Next morning I ended it. I realized that I couldn’t deal with his BS anymore. Good riddance! I’ve booked my first therapy appointment for next week and will enjoy being single for awhile and do me. I know that I have EU issues as well and need to sort those out before I get into anything. For now I’m going to enjoy the Holidays with my family and ring in the New Year with a light heart and hope for the future!
Good for you! My former EU boyfriend avoiding sex was the final straw for me too. We were also long distance, so when I saw him, of course I wanted it, but he claimed my “eagerness” turned him off. During our very last visit he ignored my advances until 20 minutes before I needed to leave for the airport. It was rushed and rough and not in a good way. When we were done he said, ” are you happy now?” and right then I knew I needed to walk. Old me would have stayed, but by then, I’d read too much BR to put up with that shit lol. Cutting him off was HARD, but so worth it. For the first time ever, I’m unwilling to accept any relationship for the sake of having one. It’s an empowering place to be. You’ll see ; )
Have we been dating the same guy!? I felt like I was reading my own story reading your comment. Apart from all the rubbish I’ve put up with, the withholding of sex and affection had been a major issue. It was, of course, all my fault in the end and apparently I wasn’t doing/wearing/saying the right things (despite the begging and trying everything to please and appease). I know he was cheating regularly but always denied it, so if course why would he need sex from me? I got all the same excuses – too tired, low libido, too stoned, too full from dinner, too busy watching TV. Then I got accused of making no effort and that was the sole reason for it. I know he was also watching porn regularly but we would go without for 6, 7, 8 weeks at a time. He always made me feel like this was normal and I was being demanding or overreacting but reading your comment had made me realise that making someone beg for sex then denying them constantly (while seeking other sources of pleasure) is absolutely not OK.
Natallie, I’ve been missing hearing you with a new podcast every week, but thank you for posting this blog.
Like others have shared, I also was starting to feel it’s better to focus on my work because I don’t have to deal with disappointment from another person. I didn’t realize that it could also be an issue of abandonment.
I only discovered Baggage Reclaim very recently, and I am so glad that I did.
Thank you x
I am glad that you discovered a Baggage Recklaim, it’s helped me through years of my two assclow relationships, Natalie’s posts help me to grow and realise “who is who”! Please stay here, it’s the best place to be!
Wow! I am just starting to realise that I have fear of abandonment (a child of alcoholic parents, who died when I was young) Trying, with great difficulty to get over my last relationship – we work together and I have wanted to stay friends. After going through your posts I realise this is not good and last week was the first week that I had a conversation with him that was just work related. Hopefully (thanks to your blogs) I’m on the path of getting over him. Thank you!!
Both my parents also died by the age of ten. It’s only after dating (back to back to back ) that i realised that I had major abandonment issues that I needed to deal with and overcome and that these issues were also tied to my self esteem.
I have had to learn to love myself fully (I am still in the process ),it hasn’t been an easy road ,although I knew thay I had abandonment issues I was in denial that they stemmed from my from my parents death. I never thought that their death would have an impact on the choices I made with men. Boy was I mistaken. My last relationship was a true eye opener for me. I realised that I wasn’t treating myself with the respect that I deserved .
Making peace with my past has and still is at times hard. But the work that I have put in. I wouldn’t change it for the world.
The last relationship was a blessing in disguise when it failed because it made me re-evaluate my life. I came across your blog about a year ago as I was exercising the NCR on him and his family. I thank you for your blog. I read Mr unavailable a few months ago,your book confirmed what I had been thinking and the role I played in the demise of my failed relationships.
Now I’m focusing on me because I feel that I’m still a work in progress and not ready for the commitment that I want and quite frankly im enjoying this period of my life.
Im sitting here in shock because uve just concisely described what im doing and have actively been trying to figure it out. Id worked out that im always looking for someone to fix me. To realise im letting myself suffer to get someone to step in is a revelation. Im going to have to read this a couple of times but wow! Self abandonment..how interestinh
I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for awhile, then got back together with my EU ex, we’ve been at this for years and realized how much better he was then the abusive guy. Now my emotionally abusive ex still messing with me, trying to rekindle things my EU ex and I always reconnect and rekindle things, but it’s really comparing him to my abusive ex that I learn to appreciate my EU ex, we breakup for a year, get back together, break up another year, get back together, it’s a pattern, but I realized how much better he treats me then the emotionally abusive ex, who still gets in the picture, so sometimes I find that you don’t realize someone’s good qualities until you get to a much worse relationship, sometimes comparision helps. Also, getting back with abusive ex way different form getting back with my EU ex who is troubled, but respectful.
Emotional unavailability is still a form of abuse. I don’t think you should compare Abusive Ex to EU as a measure to stay with EU. Cut ties with both as sounds like a cycle. My thoughts.
Well, I guess that’s one way of ensuring you remain as unavailable as the one you keep going back to-who just happens to be your mirror.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years and have realised that he’s fairly similar to all the others who were before, except worse. A Nice Guy who also happens to be a commitment phobe. I’ve never met his parents who live locally. I’ve actually never met any of his family. He’s met mine, but he isn’t interested in them so I’ve stopped inviting him to things that they’ll be at. He has a panic attack if I mention moving in together. I met him through OLD and remember that he ticked the box for “hang out”. When I asked him about that, he said it was a mistake, and that actually he wanted a committed relationship. Actually that’s all he ever really wanted although to begin with he seemed smitten with
me. And here I am hanging on, and playing the pick me dance, and hoping things will somehow improve, but instead he grows cooler and finds fault. He doesn’t like my drinking, (he’s teetotal) my vulgarity, my walking too much, Etc etc etc. He’s in a huff with me now about something so I’m getting the cold shoulder treatment; and if I ring him he won’t answer the phone and will pretend he was outside, or it was on silent or whatever. This is a regular event. Of course it sets off my abandonment issues and sometimes I become overcome with panic and fear.
Three years and not meeting any of his family, who live locally – unless he’s estranged from them, that’s really odd. What reason has he given for this?
Re-read everything you’ve written, and if a friend were describing the same circumstances to you, what would your advice be?
It does not sound like your boyfriend is interested in improving the relationship, but have you discussed all of these concerns with him? If he’s willing to work at it, perhaps see a therapist, that would be one thing, but otherwise…what are you waiting around for? I’d suggest asking yourself how you’ll feel if you stay with him and wake up in 1, 3, 5 years and in the exact same situation.
Thank you for replying, A. His parents are in their 80s and very frail, apparently this means they can’t meet people. Him and his brother run a business together so they see each other every day but not outside work; I’m not sure they even like each other, and he def doesn’t like his brothers wife. The parents don’t like brothers wife. His parents didn’t like his previous gf (that he was with for 10 years). Etc etc etc. I have raised these issues many times (re moving in together etc) but he says because of his financial concerns he cannot consider it. I feel that with planning and compromise we could work something out but he won’t discuss I t. There’s no way he would see a therapist! And he is very critical of my two teenage sons , and is constantly shocked by their normal teenage behaviours ( such as lying in bed a long time) that I have my doubts too. He has no kids himself and seems to have Victorian attitudes to childhood. All that said, I do love him and would miss him terribly – he is kind and loving and supportive in many ways. We talk every day on the phone and see each other usually Saturday night/ Sunday and I look forward to it. It feels as though he controls the agenda and he keeps me at arms length… I often feel I am on eggshells as he’s easily offended. I am 53, and not a well preserved 53 either, so I doubt I would meet anyone else.
Sunday,
How is he kind and loving towards you? Based on everything you’ve described, he seems to be the exact opposite. You stated you would miss him terribly. What exactly would you miss……Walking on eggshells? Him controlling the agenda? Keeping you at arms length? Silencing you as a form of control? Those don’t sound like attributes to miss terribly. Could you possibly fear being alone and fear not meeting anyone else? Do you feel “This is as good as it gets?” Your last statements sums it up, “I am 53, and not a well preserved 53 either, so I doubt I would meet anyone else.” Let’s say you don’t meet anyone else (I’m not trying to be pessimistic). Are you prepared to be treated less than and not value yourself just to not be alone? Isn’t this relationship already making you lonely enough? Wouldn’t you rather be single, but have an intact self esteem and self worth?
In regards to his family, I know plenty of people who are in their 80’s and live healthy, active lives. Is he telling you his parents didn’t like his previous partner or that his parents don’t like his sister-in-law? Have you met his brother? He appears to be “hiding” this part of his life from you. It would definitely give me pause as to what else he could be hiding.
Just some things to consider.
I do wish you luck as I know this isn’t easy. Just know you are a valuable person who deserves love, care, trusts, and respect. And that starts by treating yourself with those qualities. You are worth it.
Thank you CLR – I am thinking about these things. I am on day #2 now of being ignored. :-/. Haven’t tried phoning or texting. What I said really was not angry or offensive but I knew when he walked out of the door a period of the silent treatment was to come. When things are good they are very good – we have fun, laugh, and rarely argue. He is generous and likes to take me out, help me with DIY etc.
His parents really are frail, that is a fact; dad in hospital last weekend and so he was looking after his mum who has problems with mobility. Still it made me conscious of how excluded I am from all that part of his life.
Ouch. I can relate to that fear of never meeting anyone else. I feel it powerfully.
But he’s not treating you decently. I found his excuse for not introducing you to his parents offensive. This man doesn’t sound like he’s ever going to come through for you. I wish you well.
start praying you not alone i just cut off my guy who i was dating since april i never been to his house haven’t met any family and we have never spent the night together in 8 months he stays with me for two hours every other day n leave i don’t know where he lives nothing n i just got fed up n broke it off i’m hurt but goddamit i’ll be fine and so will you trust and believe that you can make it without him in your life sometimes it’s good to let go than to hold on
I think i’m in love again after 4 years single after a horrible, devastating, and life altering relationship bringing me to BR!!!! I’ve done alotta lotta self work and feel pretty good about where I stand with myself now, but admit I’m terrified of making a mistake here… nothing has happened on a physical level, just friendship but feelings have been expressed and discussed. I said I was terrified at the notion of moving forward from friendship to relationship and didn’t think that that was such a great sign–you shouldn’t be terrified about expressing your feelings on a physical level for someone, but I am 🙁 One of the biggest things is that I would not want to lose this person in my life, I care about them so much and for me relationships have failed and equal pain. For now we remain friends knowing that maybe things could become more but I don’t want to stay there for too long either…
This came at a very appropriate time for me-48 yr old female here
After many years of working through my abandonment issues with a therapist, allowing myself to be in lousy relationships, horrible online dating stories and then not dating at all for 3 yrs, I was finally happy being myself without a man-Free and Peaceful to say the least!
Like a weight had be lifted off of me!
All of a sudden, a few months ago I felt “butterflies” when i discovered a man who is a business owner in my neighborhood that I know for a few years might have some interest in me.
Oh wow! I’m Alive!
I took the initiative and asked him to go to show with me.
While he is smart, nice and attractive going out with him socially i was able to see he has some “issues” who doesn’t at 50 yrs old?
We had a nice time at the show , he said it was a long time since he had fun but if he didn’t nap he wasn’t coming out.
Uh-A little grouchy wouldn’t you say?
At the end of the night we kissed and he wanted to take it upstairs to my place. Hmmmm….
I said: this is not a good idea.
(The old “needy” me would have allowed him into my home)
I told him that I respect our relationship/friendship and I like what we have and I like you, I like being a customer at your business but we need to slow down and going upstairs would make things weird.
He agreed and I said to him “I am being my true authentic self ”
he said I am receiving this message authentically.
We did hang out and kiss in the car for awhile like teenagers which was nice 🙂
Truth is he was tired & falling asleep
This is all I know:
He is divorced with teenage son, runs 2 businesses and i have no idea what else goes on his life. Just work work work.
I saw him 1 week later (at his place of business)
he was kind and attentive, but since then, nothing.
I reached out to him via text and said when you’re free to go out again and have fun let me know and he said “ok”
This was 2 weeks ago
Now me:
I am anxious and feeling sad and trying real hard not to make contact and be “needy”
Haven’t I learned anything? But my feelings are my feelings
abandonment issues at its finest resurfacing
If he really wanted to spend time with me I am guessing I would have heard something by now”?
He doesn’t text or call just utter nothing.
Assuming all of these:
he has no time, too tired, not interested
I know that if you want to date and be in a relationship this “unknowing feeling” comes with it and we sit and overthink and over-analyze EVERYTHING!
I just feel like I cant do this anymore, and that perhaps I am settling for a man who has too much on his plate to have any kind of intimacy therefore I am “settling”
I am going back into “taking care of me mode”
Good for you for asking him out, that was very brave. But it doesn’t look like he wants to take it further for whatever reason – he did obviously find you attractive! Maybe he just isn’t in a position to offer you a relationship and he knows it. I feel I have been (to some extent) strung along by someone who said they wanted a committed relationship but as it turns out just wants a bit of female company to hang out with from time to time. Maybe this guy (like mine) knows he just hasn’t got much to offer but (unlike mine) isn’t going to waste your time by pretending that he has. I would also add that it’s very difficult moving as a new person into a pre- existing family with children.
Thank you Everyday is Sunday
Thing is: he has not given me the opportunity to state my case.
You see, I am not looking for anything “heavy”
I work too, get home late, have certain rituals and I like doing my own thing. This is why I thought this could also be good for me but he doesn’t know my story and he is not allowing us to get each other on an intimate level.
Knowing where you traveled to and your favorite foods is not exactly intimate conversation.
Telling him I wanted to be slow meant I was not going upstairs on our first night out.
Boy, if I did go there I would be feeling much worse than I am now.
I will continue to patronize his business and take it from there.
You were quite right not to take it upstairs! But, at the same time, it was only one evening out, and while you for sure don’t owe him sex he also doesn’t owe you another date or the chance to state your case. I’d only continue to patronise his business if he offers the best prices and services and it’s convenient. He’s just Not That Special!!!
He only wanted sex by trying to get you to take it upstairs at your place that first date. You said no and so he disappeared. His agenda was clear he wanted the milk without buying the cow! Not worth it so better off without him as he is being his “authentic” unreliable EU self and you’ve seen it from the start. DO NOT PASS go with him or you’ll have more drama than a theatre puts on.
You need NC. There are three things you said that I would ask you to reflect on. That you still patronize his business. That you don’t want anything heavy. And that he made you come alive.
First. Interest from someone should not make you come alive. How small are you making yourself the rest of the time? Second you should not be patronizing the business of someone you have hooked up with who doesn’t call you back and is no longer showing interest in you. That is firstly the two of you deceiving each other, meeting over a counter and going hello how are you yes one pound worth thanks how much oh lovely thanks. And secondly it’s disrespectful to yourself to continue to show this man you have hopes. It’s not an honest connection. Third. It is not true that you don’t want something heavy. If it were true you would have had him come upstairs. You are letting his disinterest and assumed busyness and octogenarian status (seriously he’s falling asleep while hooking up for the first time in a car? Hardly reassuring) make you manage down your expectations. Don’t do it.
Go NC. If you’re willing to not be heavy, find a friend w benefits. My guess is you are a romantic at heart. He sounds like not at all. Dull dreary boring man. And ask yourself – how can you be alive? All the time. Right now. Today.
With all due respect Suki, May I ask? are you a social worker or a therapist?
Let me tell you a little something about me. The only thing small about me is my height at 4’10!
I have a very full life, a happy go lucky person with great friends, family & a job that I love and there is so much more to me that you will never know because we are on a blog, not real life.
Saying I “felt alive” meant that after meeting so many disappointing men it was so nice to have met a man “organically” someone I knew for years. Someone who i found attractive and kind.
Oh well, he ended up being EU.
Guess what? The majority of the world is EU. I am EU on some level and I am guessing this is the reason why 50% of marriages end in divorce and many people are opting not to get married in this day and age. And if you’re over 45 yrs old chances are you will have some baggage.
And what I meant by “not looking for anything heavy” meant exactly what it is.
No, I am not looking for a friend with benefits but a happy medium.
For me there has to be an emotional connection.
I like living alone, I don’t want marriage and I can handle a person in my life 3 days a week maximum.
This concept does exist.
He is not a bad guy, just not into it.
Yet it still hurt me. I am human and rejection hurts.
Yes, he could have been a little more communicative in his feelings, but it is what it is.
I came here to talk about my abandonment issues, which i am very well aware of, not for anyone to judge me and my life and misconstrue my words.
Every one of my male friends (all over 50 years old by the way) tell me:
“you continue to go into his store with your head held high because you didn’t do anything wrong”!
I mean, aren’t we all grownups?
I love his store, I have been going there every weekend for years, whether he is there or not.
His staff love me, I love them and I love the products he sells which is unique to my neighborhood.
Why should I feel uncomfortable?
he is the one who should feel that way.
I am not going to stop being who I am because I took a chance with someone that I like and it didn’t turn out the way i hoped.
Going NC and never going into his store again is just giving him the power that he disappointed me and me losing out on something I enjoy.
Happy Thanksgiving to all of you here in the US!
I’d tend to agree with Suki about the NC, on reflection. No you haven’t done anything wrong, but as you say yourself you are hurt. NC is the quickest way to get over that hurt, and avoid the possibility of more hurtful interactions. Plus why show him that loyalty. He has none for you. Who cares what he thinks about it, frankly if you keep going in he will think you’re pining and chasing and if you don’t go back he’ll think you’re “scorned”. So what he or anyone else shouldn’t factor into your decision – it’s what’s healthy for you.
I tend to agree. I wouldn’t stop patronizing a store that was convenient for me, that I patronized on the regular before this, and that had products I needed, because I made out with some guy in it and then he didn’t want to see me again – unless I thought it would cause me undue anguish for some reason. If HE feels uncomfortable, who cares?
I agree about whomever said him falling asleep during a make-out session was not a good sign. Never heard of such a thing.
Just me… good for you said “NO”, try to forget him, he is irrelevant person! Thanks God you didn’t go upstairs to have fun with him.
Can you imagine how would you feel if he did sleep with you and after disappeared for good?! If you see him, just say “hello” that’s it! Don’t show him he hurt your feelings, he is not worth your attention, girl:)
This post has come at the right time. I’m constantly lowering my standards and going for men who I know are not good enough just so that I can feel ‘safe’ and confident that they will recognise my worth and recognise their ‘lack’ in comparison and thus not abandon me…what I have learnt is that in that process, this only boosts their ego and leaves them running for the hills feeling like they are ‘better’ and can go out and dog on the streets. I never fully understood why I go for such ‘piglets’ but now it makes sense, it’s almost like a full proof plan into a safe ‘heaven’ of not being abandoned. But at the end of the day, they always abandon you…because they know and you know. What’s really going on here.
He only wanted sex by trying to get you to take it upstairs at your place that first date. You said no and so he disappeared. His agenda was clear he wanted the milk without buying the cow! Not worth it so better off without him as he is being his “authentic” unreliable EU self and you’ve seen it from the start. DO NOT PASS go with him or you’ll have more drama than a theatre puts on.
I also wanted to add that if Nat is reading this I owe a lot no only to the therapists that have worked with me over the years but also to YOU Nat.
I have been reading your blog since I discovered it back in 2008 when I had a traumatic breakup that really made me get real about myself people pleasing and my boundaries.
Since then I have cleaned house big time!
Everyday I am a work in progress but still taking care of my needs first and recognizing bad behavior and red flags!
“They’re not that special”
Natalie, thanks very much for all your amazing posts and your great website. The posts along with all the comments and experiences had by everyone reinforce that sadly I’m not alone in my suffering and pain and that the Emotional Unavailable behaviour I experienced isn’t something that is unique to me (nor my perpetrator).
Everyone has the right to make their own choices, and pursue whatever makes them happy, therefore, if being emotionally unavailable is your thing, then that’s fine, but then why bring someone else down? Why future fake, why exhibit cruel and unkind behaviour, why say that you care when your actions clearly show you do not. What’s wrong with just staying uninvolved until you’re ready and healthy for a proper and loving relationship?
But I suppose my question is a redundant one, the very definition of emotional unavailability is that these people lack this way of thinking. They do not think or act with care, with compassion or with kindness precisely because they are incapable of doing so. They are emotionally unavailable!
Had I known this from the start then maybe I would have avoided this person. Then again maybe I would not have. What I have also learnt from all the amazing people and posts here is that I almost certainly did ignore or overlook the red flags, whether consciously or subconsciously. I was too afraid of speaking up for myself and my needs, for fear of ending the relationship and being rejected. And so I am just as much to blame, for being so out of touch with my feelings, desires and ultimately with what I know I deserve deep down (a true and loving relationship where I’m not taken for granted).
What is also apparent is that I have to please less and love myself more. These sorts of situations are tough when your self-esteem takes such a battering, particularly when maybe it wasn’t the greatest to begin with.
But deep down, I am eternally thankful for the wake-up call and the opportunity to grow and learn. It’s a tough process and clearly requires great reflection and inner-thought, but it will set me up for a much better relationship down the track, whenever that is. In the meantime, I know I have to find that worth and that happiness within.
Greetings from Australia.
Trevor,
Great post. The reason that so many EU people don’t stay single is because they have no concept of what their behaviour is or if they do they ignore the inner voice. Too many people can’t cope with being alone but it is the people who give these douches time that have to accept they let it happen. It happens due to poor values and boundaries. The EU person moves on leaving a trail of destruction in their wake to repeat the process with someone else. Working on yourself is tough as I know but it does mean that you have choices. See red flags and ignore at your peril or stay single and live life on your terms. No-one wants to be alone for life but I am on the page that I will not lower my standards just to have a man in my life and don’t need said man to define me as a woman. I came out of a marriage that was the equivalent of a motorway pile up at the end. Knowing what I do now, after time spent on BR and taking on board the lessons, I would not have got involved with my ex or else got out real quick. We live and learn. Yes I’ve been EU but haven’t dated for that reason as I won’t play with a man’s emotions. Many people date in this world for sport and don’t consider how their actions may affect someone else due to the selfish attitudes that exist in society now. They also don’t know the qualities they want in a life partner as they don’t have boundaries themselves so dabble. I also believe that the internet has brought about a mentality that bases attraction on shallow characteristics like appearance and the belief that there is always something better round the corner hence no commitment these days. First sign of trouble and it is bail then back online for another person. I also believe that society is more misogynistic these days and there are double standards for men and women. men get to age, women are ignored if above a certain age and stuff like that. I don’t want to be a part of all that and have opted out. Keep on with the work.
I guess I have abandonment issues. My dad wasn’t emotionally available for me – I remember him yelling at me for crying when I was about 6 and telling me that what I feared (that something bad may have happened preventing my mom from coming home on time) could actually make something bad happen! He always seemed to shame me for having feelings, which is a form of abandonment I guess.
When I was 14, he told me that the only reason he was with my mom was because I had been born and he’d had to marry her to be there for me.
When I was 16, my parents divorced, and my dad told me I wasn’t even his biological child and he would never see me again. He even went so far as to say he was infertile! This was all a lie. He obviously is my biological father, and he isn’t infertile, as he now has two other sons from his second marriage. He spoils those boys rotten and seems to love being their dad.
Complicating the story, I have a little brother (2 years younger) that my dad raised from the time he was 1. Our dad is the only father he knows, but my dad basically abandoned him at 14 after the divorce and left us to deal with the aftermath.
Years later I reconnected with him. We have had some good times, and he’s not all bad, but it always would come down to some argument where he would yell at me and say, “why do you even come here?!” Or, “don’t call me!”
I haven’t spoken to him in 2 years, and I don’t think I ever will again. At some point, enough is enough. Since he’s so happy with his new family, I often get the sense that my dad’s relatives think there might be something wrong with me. And sometimes I feel guilty about not trying harder to stay connected to him and the (frankly incredibly spoiled) little boys he’s raising. But I hate the way I feel when I am there. Whenever I interact with him, I wind up feeling bad about myself somehow. I am not even sure he actually likes me.
Of course, all of this has impacted my life, but I think the impact has been subtle, or hard to see from the surface. Abandonment doesn’t have to be obvious and extreme, I guess. Anyway, it may help if I deal with issues of abandonment specifically.
P.s. Because of the setup here, I can never edit comments when I type them into my phone. I’m not sure why that is…
Well explained thanks alot , Please how can i get contacted to you
I understand these feelings and have been greatly challenged recently and many past issues i thought i worked through have come back and smacked me in the face and felt like tore me apart. They all ultimately go back to this topic. I also realized because i have been hurt so much in life i have retreated into my shell again. I will be rereading this to let it sink in because i need help and to reorganize my baggage and keeping going forward — more healthily. Im so glad Natalie is back!!!!
Thanks for a great post! This resonated very well.
I’ve been lurking on BR for about a year, but this is my first post. 36 years old, male.
“Despite our attempts to avoid abandonment by avoiding relationships, those painful feelings resurface. Exacerbated because we inadvertently use whatever we escape to as a form of structure, consistency and validation, we invariably have boundary issues that lead to exhaustion, overwhelm, perfectionism and feeling underappreciated. We then feel inferior and self-critical. We wonder why we can’t catch a break.”
I’ve had this dilemma for a long time. A really tough one to crack. When I use all these escape methods, I do get to a pretty good place, where I feel reasonably happy (in my case it takes the form of traveling and physical exercise, not the worst escape routes, but still), but like Nat wrote, it does lead to exhaustion and especially perfectionism and feeling underappreciated. So the negative feelings do eventually come back, the emptiness inside the soul…..I avoid relationships out of fear of being hurt, but something keeps pushing me to try again. I view it as training to put me in touch with my feelings of abandonment, a sort of exposure theory. Or else it’s too easy to think that I’m finally “cured” during moments of happiness created of my own doing.
I was together with someone for 7 years, even married, but been single for the past 4 years. I tried online dating for the past 12 months, and it’s only been disappointments so far. I’m well aware of attachment theory and schema theory, well before I discovered BR, so I know how to identify and avoid EU people early on (avoidant type in attachment theory), although it may takes a few dates to find out. Recently I thought I met a decent one, who seemed “secure”, eager and stable. We had three nice dates, but, bad timing, I got ill afterwards (relapse of Crohn’s disease) and had to spend a few days at the hospital. Future dates needed to be canceled as a result, something I explained to her. She seemed to understand and had no problem to wait until I got better. We still had contact for a few days online, but something changed, she became distant. Not a single word of encouragement while I was at the hospital. I got in touch with her again after I got back home, asked her if something had changed between us because she acted distant. She put it on being “busy” and said that we’ll see how things go when I feel better and meet again. I don’t know, but this feels like EU/avoidant behaviour to me. Would you agree? At any rate, I’m not really interested in meeting her again, after she very quickly lost interest in me. This is about the only thing I’ve managed to master over the past years of fighting abandonment issues: I don’t resort to clingy behaviour anymore. No more drama. Instead, I just let go. But of course I can’t shake up the disapppointment.
“Avoiding relationships to deal with fear of abandonment is emotional purgatory. It’s punishment for having got a previous relationship ‘wrong’, for a misstep, for not having something like the the right kind background, or for being an inadequate child that caused their inadequate childhood or painful experiences.”
This idea of emotional purgatory is so true. This where where I’m sliding back to at the moment. Being in a relationship or not, the most important is to heal from these terrible abandonment issues. I’d rather fix that once and for all than being in a stable and loving relationship. Well, fixing these issues is a prerequisite to being in that type of relationship, right? Being ok with myself is the most important goal, something I’ve struggled with for at least 20 years, ever since I became aware of depression and anxiety due to my childhood (emotionally abusive alcoholic father and a mother who wasn’t consistently there for me/didn’t protect me from my father).
Hi, first time here. I’m trying to build up what I let a married man tear down. So, at this point the pain is so great I need alittle help! Felt like the end of me, but I know there is life after “Pain”!
Just letting you know Natalie that I have nominated you for a Blogger Recognition Award!! Thank you for all you do. (I have been reading and listening for years!)
https://toniannlacrette.wordpress.com/2017/12/07/blogger-recognition-award/
Much love Txx
Natalie,
This blog has been my guide for self-development over the past year since a devastating breakup. I have diminished myself in my past relationships to avoid abandonment. Of course, what I most feared happened, not once but three times in a three year period.
After the last one, I took time out to read all your posts and grow. I didn’t stop dating, but I used dating as a way of putting the lessons I was learning in place. Spotting the red flags, treating myself and others with respect and honesty, and setting the pace in dating.
I’m now a different person than I was a year ago. Suddenly emotionally available men are showing up in my life. Did I manifest them? No, I realize I’m different and therefore attracting a different kind of man.
It’s early days, but I see progress. I’m dating two guys right now and both said they were leaving the dating sites we met on. The old me would have agreed to leave the sites as well “to give the relationship a chance”. The new me is staying on the sites, continuing to meet new guys, while dating the ones I’m already seeing.
I’m taking it slow, making sure there is reciprocity, using dating as discovery, and taking it day by day. I feel grounded and in a good place at last.
If I could have afforded therapy, I would have done so, but I could not. I just wanted to give hope to your readers who are still on their journey. Your words of wisdom are a wonderful guide and I have appreciated reading the experiences of everyone on here. It is so good to know we don’t have to go through this alone.
This blog is good for my mental health.
Oh wow, do I wish I’d known about this site a few months ago.
Two weeks ago I was blindsided when I was dumped by my boyfriend after what I thought was 3 months of a very meaningful relationship, and was continuing in a direction I was greatly enjoying, though at the same time, it was one that made me feel extremely anxious.
When he dumped me his reason was that since I gave everything and he gave nothing, that I could do better. He was right, I organised, I arranged, I communicated…he never did, but for some reason I was totally fine with that. I enjoyed being that person for someone, but at the same time it made me feel extremely anxious. An anxiety I’d not felt in a relationship before and one that disappeared as soon as the relationship ended.
Only after finding this blog does it dawn on me how emotionally unavailable he was/is. Where as some examples of EU don’t ring true (he was always present in and after sex, he wasn’t angry towards others, he never spoke about any ex…though I suspect an ex was involved in our break up, and he never cancelled on me or would balk at my suggestion for any sort of length of date), other aspects ring only too true.
I had to initiate all communication (especially after very intimate times or dates with each other), he would never phone, preferring to only ever text and he would only ever text me back when it suited him which was the cause of my anxiety. He told me at dinner that he compartmentalised when he would reply to me…a major red flag right there and one I did nothing about, why?
Because I didn’t want to be alone.
Our times in person were so amazing, that I could ignore all the bad stuff and I told myself that one day, we’d have the chat about how I’d like him to improve his communication, but deep down I knew I was just as scared as having this chat with him as I was about our relationship status. So in fear of losing him, I denied myself who I really was and wanted from a relationship in life.
Given our break up was only 10 days ago, I’m still a little raw (which I’m sure is understandable), but I’m slowly seeing that I don’t miss the person, I miss being in a relationship and miss the person I thought he was. But of course, I want him to miss me and I hope he’s thinking of me just as much as I am of him…and it makes me sad that deep down I know he doesn’t give a s*** or he’d be here now working through it all.
Your site has told me that its now time to just concentrate on me, to fix what is lacking in me that I feel all I’m worth is someone who only give me 20% of them, when I’m giving them my all.
Thank you for your website, I know it will give me great support during Christmas and New Year.
Sadly you learnt the hard way but can be more alert for signs that are red flags. If a man does awol with me I know now that there is another woman lurking in the background and now I’ll flush. These people who play games like that deserve to end up with no-one but sadly they find another victim to mess about. They are predators nothing else. You kind if had the pump and then dump but in future flush as soon as you see dodgy behaviour. It might mean you are alone for a good while but better that than fear of being abandoned which then happens leaving your head a screwed up mess which can then lead to unhealthy behaviour if you meet the one.
Thank you so much Natalie, words can so be powerful and healing and no one ever told me “what happened was not your fault and not your problem to fix in the first place”, I did not realise that I really needed to hear this to move on. I feel a weight lifting off my shoulder, thanks again.
You truly have a gift for putting into words what so many of us struggle with. Thank you for your work.
Hi Natalie – I hope you are doing well. I’m just wondering whether you are going to continue with the blog? Of course, you’ve got to do what’s right for you, and I think we all appreciate the blog posts, podcasts, books, etc. that you’ve already done. I get that maybe you’ve just moved on to other things, but I’m just curious about the blog because I check back every couple weeks and haven’t seen anything new in a while.
By the way, I have listened to all of your podcasts, and recently listened again (with my husband) to the 10 suggestions for arguing well. It really helped us change some of our dysfunctional attempts to resolve conflicts.
Hi Natalie,
I hope you are doing well. I’m just wondering whether you are going to continue with the blog? Of course, you’ve got to do what’s right for you, and I think we all appreciate the blog posts, podcasts, books, etc. that you’ve already done. I get that maybe you’ve just moved on to other things, but I’m just curious about the blog because I check back every couple weeks and haven’t seen anything new in a while.
By the way, I have listened to all of your podcasts, and recently listened again (with my husband) to the 10 suggestions for arguing well. It really helped us change some of our dysfunctional attempts to resolve conflicts.
Hi Nat
I hope all is well with you, I do to come and check in every other day as I have not seen anything new and wonder if you have given up the Vlog or moved unto newer things or possibly just taking a much needed break. I have read your posts and podcasts for years now and not hearing from you gives me this sense of loss. I hope all is well with you and your family. It will be a great day when we do hear from you again . God bless you.
Hi. (This is going to be long, I apologize. I have a lot to say)
I have been reading this website for the past week to try and help myself cope. I met my EUM back in June. At the time I had no idea he was EUM. Because he acted COMPLETELY different. I have only dated one guy besides him (I am 24) and that relationship was physically, emotionally, and mentally abusive from the very beginning and throughout the 4 years it lasted. I stayed single for 3 years and then met this EUM guy. So anything this guy did or said in the beginning had me walking on cloud 9. Because he was treating me so much better than my ex. He was so amazing and affectionate and attentive in the beginning. Everything I had hoped for and more. I thought I had finally found “the one” until he started withdrawing a little bit as the initial newness of the relationship died down. At the time he had just gotten a promotion so I assumed that was it and let it go. And then one day..he disappeared. He was gone for about a month and half. Ignored my texts and phone calls and any attempts to reach out. I saw him around town so I knew he wasn’t dead or injured. But I was miserable. Absolutely miserable. Couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, lost way too much weight, cried so much I had a permanent migraine, and locked myself away from the outside world. Then right when I had started to put myself back out there…he popped back up asking to talk. His excuse for his disappearance was incredibly stupid and I KNEW it but I was just so excited to have him back that I let it go. We didn’t talk much for the next month. He would text here and there. It was me who reached out with the “I miss you” text. Which escalated into a month or so of booty calls and promises of commitment once the holiday season was over and things at his job calmed down. I trained myself to be okay with just seeing him once a week and only hearing from him maybe once or twice. Everytime I tried to push for anything REAL he would disappear again and then pop like nothing happened. Just told me he was waiting until after the holidays because that was the busiest time for him at work (he works for FedEx) And then he supposedly got a promotion that would start immediately after the holidays and required him to move 4 hours away. (I’m almost certain that was a lie). We made plans to hang out on New Years Eve but I was traveling home from a conference and got stuck in the airport overnight. I told him this through text but he never responded and ended up bringing in the New Year with another girl. Never even checked to see if I made it home. I asked him the next day and he said he “forgot about me” (that crushed my spirit) I sent him a text saying I was done trying to push for a relationship that only one of us wanted and I would leave him alone (In retrospect I was way too nice in the text) I haven’t heard anything from him since. No apologies. No acknowledgement. Nothing. It’s barely been a week but I am going crazy over here. Missing him every two seconds. Crying all the time. Unable to focus on anything else. Will he be back? I am pretty sure he won’t be back…but how do I make myself stronger just in case he returns? I am worried I my resolve will crack and I will go spiraling into this crap again.
I don’t want to keep feeling this way. I am miserable. I miss him so much but I don’t want to do this with him anymore. If I really sit and think about it, he’s not all that great of a guy but since my ex was literally the spawn of satan and in comparison this guy isn’t THAT bad, I can’t seem to knock him off the pedestal I had him on and feeling sick to my stomach thinking about how he’s probably going to fall in love with this new girl and change for her and end up marrying her while he never even gave this relationship a real shot. Someone help me. I feel so stupid and pathetic.
Strugglingtocope – keep reading the blog and searching topics it will strengthen you. Be gentle on yourself. I know it doesn’t seem like it right now but he isn’t worth another single tear for the ways he’s treated you even if it was better than spawn of Satan – YOU DESERVE MUCH BETTER YOU REALLY DO… and THAT is where your focus needs to be ON YOU!!
Sweetheart, please take a little courage from an old woman like me, and just step back a minute from the emotional beating you are inflicting on yourself. Of course, it hurts! You wanted something better for yourself than what you had before. You saw the potential in this new man.
Everyone does this. Everyone of us reading this blog. Everyone.
From what you wrote, I’m seeing a different story here, different than the one you’re trying to get me to believe. This guy was never really wanting to commit. The fact that he disappeared for a month said it all, right there. He simply wasn’t going to invest himself emotionally in you.
Frankly, it doesn’t matter if it was the girl from new year’s eve, or a former flame, or the chick at the corner store he’s been chatting up for the past 5 months. His interest was already elsewhere at that point.
Sweetheart, there are men out there that *know* how an emotionally distressed woman will think and act, and be unemotional enough to use that to their advantage. Remember, an EU person can compartmentalize feelings very well. You gave him the vibe that you someone who didn’t feel good about themself, and like a shark, he went in for the kill without thinking.
And guess what? Natalie, and everyone here are with you. We don’t think you’re pathetic or stupid. In fact, we are all glad you came HERE. And you don’t need to knock that assclown off his pedestal, because he’s a worm squiggling in the bottom of that hole you happened to trip in of the road of your life. Stay here a bit, catch your breath, read up and learn how to stop tripping in the holes.
Hugs.
So well-said, Crystal Blue!! Strugglingtocope, sweety, there’s NOTHING to miss here, he’s not just EU, he’s an actual AC!! You’ll be fine, believe me, you will 🙂 Please DON’T settle for so little in the future. And if this loser dares to show up again, as Nat likes to say, tell him to take a run and jump!! And stay miles away from you. You truly, truly, deserve so much better.
Btw, it’s great that you’re so sweet and forgiving, and did the gracious thing of talking to him after he disappeared on you for a month, but darling, what is it that keeps you as much as even remotely interested in someone who “forgets about you” while you’re stuck at the airport on your way home? You don’t need THAT, unless you like to make you suffer, which is probably not the case. Being in love with an AC or even with someone who may be deep down decent but is an EU is emotionally wrecking, and I so, so understand you. Been there. But you do get over it, and you definitely will, and you’ll also gradually value yourself more and raise your standards. And next time, or maybe after next time, if another EU guy attempts to get your attention, you probably won’t feel attracted to that anymore, even if he “seems” so amazing, you’ll do the due diligence and see him for what he is, and when he tries to behave in a funny way, you’ll FLUSH a lot more easily and it won’t hurt.
Take care of yourself, love. Remember, as other ladies and guys have said in this blog, you should love yourself first 🙂
The main thing is to put this down to bad experience but also to remember so that if you ever see the signs again you flush pdq. I’ve been to hell and back with illness and this caused me to not be true to myself on occasions and question enough the people looking after me. I found myself feeling resentful and blaming myself when that was so far from the truth. In one case I was dealing with your classic EU male who was so nice and smooth but his ego was all about power, manipulation and control. When this is someone who has your health in their hands it is very difficult to deal with. Anyway first chance I got, I kicked him to the kerb and have another professional I feel more comfortable with. I also had to recognise that due to poor health I wasn’t able to deal so well with this personality plus the drama that ensued with him. He was inconsistent saying one thing then doing another so it was too chaotic for me.
Now I am healthier in mind and body and am also on the page that if people don’t like me speaking up or think I am difficult or critical, too bad. It is my health that is at stake and as long as the person concerned does what they should do i.e. sort my health then that is all I need. I don’t need to be on first name terms or anything but I will get respect from those looking after my health.
You hadn’t met a personality like that so you didn’t have any experience of these chameleons. Now you do and you can recognise the red flags earlier now to bail without getting caught in such drama. Dating is the getting to know someone so it may also be worth holding back on sex to know that person and their motives/intentions better because talk is cheap. Only actions matter to match words.
I hadn’t seen this comment, Feisty!! Couldn’t agree more with you. If someone loves you or is interested in you, they don’t have a problem with you speaking up or having needs. You come first. A normal, healthy relationship is one where you don’t have to sacrifice you, your health or your values all the time (or ever, ideally). Not that there can’t be any confrontation, sometimes conflicts happen and offer an opportunity for dialogue. But when there’s fear, whether it’s fear of speaking up or of just screwing up by being you or by standing up for yourself, then what kind of a relationship is that? Based on fear and “rewards” of crumbs? Too crappy, methinks. So glad you’re feeling better healthwise! Keep being strong!!
I hit a low recently when a very charming and successful man fast forwarded me. In the space of one month we had spoken about a future, having more kids, growing our businesses. I’m divorced with kids. We were going to be this power couple. This is despite the fact that his divorce is not final yet. He was very evasive about the reason for the divorce. He travels non-stop. He is a workaholic. His words did not match his actions on several occasions during our month of “love”. He even lied about his age.
All the while my gut was telling me this is BS every time he said he loved me, which happened on the 1st call he made to me after we met. I however went along with this and let the “relationship” progress. I was enjoying the attention. I then started calling him out on promises made by him that were not kept. At first he said he would try to be better. A few days later the same thing happened again. My rejection paranoia moved into overdrive and I dumped him. A few days later I apologised and he said he accepted my apology. After this he was distant and when I asked he said he was busy with work. He had stopped calling me when at first he would call two to three times a day. He was no longer affectionate nor was he making plans to see me. I then pointed to all the changes and asked whether we still had a relationship. He went quite on the call and he hasn’t been taking my calls or responding to my texts since.
I was shattered. When I started processing my emotions I realised that I was more upset about yet another man rejecting and leaving me than of me losing him. Even though I had not really made up my mind about how I truly feel about him I didn’t want him to reject me.This forced me to dig deeper.
Although I have no shortage of men interested in me I only of return the interest of men who are either physically or emotionally unvailable.
Even when I spot the BS I rationalize it and allow myself to be used for the person’s agenda. I sincerely want a meaningful and long-term relationship again but I am always terrified of being abandoned. I choose men who leave and it then reinforces the thought that I am unlovable once men get to know me.
My father denied me before I was born and I have never lived with my mother as she was away working to provide for us. When I was 13 she died. I felt abandoned by both parents and the environment where I was being raised was very harsh and it taught me to suppress my emotions and my need for affection in order to survive.
This blog has helped me realise what exactly my issue is and that I shouldn’t be ashamed of it. I realise that I need to get help towards my healing that is why I am going to start therapy soon.
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