Are you looking for a relationship right now? If so, consider whether you’re coming from an empowered place, or whether you feel inferior in some way and as if this potential future partner, who you might not have met yet, holds the power to determine your future. If it’s the latter, you are falling into the trap of behaving like someone who has to do ‘all the right things’ in order to be chosen. You’re hoping that someone will give you a home.
Auditioning to be chosen for the role of girlfriend/boyfriend or The Ideal Spouse™ causes you to immediately enter into non-mutual agreements, even if that’s purely in terms of your own mentality, attitude and behaviour. The other party might actually be up for a mutually fulfilling relationship, but if you act as if you have to interview and perform to fill the ‘vacancy’ they have, as if you’re a sidekick to the big boss, you will de-prioritise you. Putting them on a pedestal and so deeming them to be superior, automatically creates an imbalanced relationship. It inadvertently places you in a child role, keeping you small and automatically giving them a parental, or certainly, authoritarian role. You will override your intuition and basically give you up by deferring to them.
There is no job opening; relationships are co-created.
You can co-create great ones, good ones, so-so ones and sh*t ones, but whichever way you slice it, relationships are co-created.
To assume otherwise is to give automatic authority to anyone who gives you the time of day, sparks interest, or makes noises about the possibility of a relationship.
It says, ‘You know best and are superior. Please give me a job for life so that I can feel safe and secure. I’ll do whatever you like’.
I’ve realised that back in the day, I was a bit like Little Orphan Annie waiting for a Daddy Warbucks to whisk me off to a better life. It’s no wonder then, that despite the fact that I was well past the age of needing adopting, I did carry on, even in my fledgling relationships, as if I had to hold my breath until I could be sure they weren’t going to send me back.
Imagine how this attitude of believing that men had all the power and the keys to my happiness, was impacting my sense of self—it affected my perception of my opportunities, my sense of personal power, my sense of worthiness full stop.
Red flag? What red flag? There’s no such thing as red flags, or as I call them, code amber and red issues, when you’re afraid to bite the hand that’s literally feeding your self-esteem and perceived to hold the keys to your future.
In truth, there is no ready-made relationship that allows you to step into someone’s life playing a role that you already do by default (e.g people pleaser, Florence Nightingale, scapegoat, odd one out)—because, you know that is what treating dating and relationships like a job opening amounts to, don’t you? It’s looking for somewhere that matches how you already feel about and treat you so that you can ‘slot in’, so you’re actually looking to extend a familiar albeit uncomfortable role that isn’t serving your highest good.
Think about it: If you always approach dating and relationships as if the other party has a vacancy that needs filling, you’re basically saying that they set the terms and that they have the best idea of how you should be utilising your time, energy, effort and emotions.
You’re also saying that how you perceive the past, including any negative beliefs about you, are permanent statements of the future that need to be applied to the types of job (read: relationship) that you can apply for.
Auditioning for relationships suggests that they know best about who and what you should be, and that the real you doesn’t matter if at the end of the day, you’re going to get a relationship out of it.
For some reason, you’re inferring that you have no clue, and you know what? They might not have a fricking clue either, but instead of being clueless together and figuring it out with healthy boundaries (we all have to start somewhere after all), they’re now The Grand Poobah of relationships, despite the fact that actually, they might not have the character, values, or experience to justify even one iota of what you’re attributing to them.
If you don’t co-create relationships, you will be a replacement or temporary stand-in and distraction for something from the past.
Which begs the question: Why are you trying to stand in for an ex that it didn’t work out with?
Sure, it might be comfortable, it might be familiar, it might even be easy for him/her to transfer their relationship balance over to you, but it sure as hell isn’t a good idea. It’s dirty debt.
Aside from it being emotionally lazy for someone to treat you like a cardboard cut-out that replaces someone they haven’t gotten over, whether it’s that they’re still angry (could be a parent/caregiver, ex etc) or because they still have unresolved romantic feelings, you’re immediately marginalising you.
If you’re inclined to marginalise you, ask yourself:
- Where did I learn to take a backseat?
- Why do I allow someone’s ex or their parent/caregiver/sibling/bully issues to be the dictator of what role I feel is suitable for me?
- Why is someone’s fictional perfect person that they’ve come up with in their head as their relationship ‘job spec’, more important than me being myself and aligning with someone who is ready and willing to show up and co-create a relationship with me?
- Why am I trying to be perfect for someone who isn’t perfect for me?
- Why am I trying to be what I think someone else wants despite the fact that I don’t know them yet or they have not unfolded enough over time and through experience for it to begin to even justify me perceiving them as an authority?
They’re just not that special.
There’s nothing wrong with having clarity around your values and what you need and want in a relationship, but someone who doesn’t want to get out of their head and out of their past, is going to:
1) Be emotionally unavailable due to being on autopilot and will
2) Judge you unfairly, whether it’s consciously or not, plus up at the shadier end of things, will blame you for their actions or lack of them in the relationship.
People who are detached from the truth of themselves and their past, love latching on to people who blow smoke up their bottom by extension of the fact that they’re behaving like they’re auditioning for a prize role.
Love care trust and respect is conscious, aware, and present.
You can’t expect to be loved for who you are, if through auditioning, you’re trying to be loved for who you’re not.
You’re also not liking or loving someone if you’re putting them on a pedestal; you’re just setting you up to feel inferior.
Auditioning and acting as if you’re inferior, automatically blocks you from being a loving partner in a loving relationship.
There is no job opening; relationships are co-created.
In every relationship, there are two people who have variances because they might be similarly strengthened or similarly flawed, but are also differing in individual strengths and weaknesses. That’s the beauty of not just relationships, but embracing who we really are as people and being OK with bringing that to the table instead of carrying on as if everyone else is perfect [even when it’s quite obvious that they’re not].
It doesn’t matter how much experience you or they have (or don’t have).
Even if you have little or no relationship experience, or you’re like me and have only previously been in unavailable and shady relationships, what matters is what you do next. What matters is how you show up in this or your next relationship.
You’re allowed to grow and you have just as much to bring to the table as someone who is seemingly more ‘experienced’.
What matters is the relationship and what you do together. It matters how you show up and how you’re each prepared to evolve.
You are either co-creating a loving relationship or you’re in servitude playing it small. Choose wisely.
Your thoughts?
Add to favorites
I discovered this website approx 3 years ago when I was the OW to the guy with the gf who he said he was not happy with *mind you they got married this year* and since then I have been on here constantly ready
the posts and trying to do better for myself.
Since my 5 year relationship ended in 2012 I have been in a few situationshits and cant seem to find my footing at all. At times I feel like I’ll never find someone who wants a real relationship again and it scares me. I have been working on my self esteem and I am able to spot the code amber and red flags sooner now and recently I decided to opt out when the guy said he was not ready for a relationship ( posted the situation on the last podcast). I felt bad opting out and i second guessed going NC, suffice to say I fell off the wagon and saw why I had gone NC in the first place.
I really hope that I can gain my self esteem back, want to see a therapist again as I feel like I have not resolved all of my issues surrounding abandonment and my past abusive relationship. Will continue reading and working on me. Thanks Natalie.
I think self esteem is not just something to be gained back. It’s a lifelong series of actions to be your best self and to treat yourself with love. I don’t know what that means fully. I don’t think I love myself unconditionally. I don’t take the healthiest decisions including letting go of habits that I know are bad for me (including regarding work or health). I can do a lot more on that front. At the same time I don’t have to be perfect to love myself or to be loved. I might always have some of these habits. They are a part of who I am and my lapses there are also me. I wonder if what we need is less judgment of ourselves and others and more acceptance.
Whether this will lead to a relationship – I’ll be honest we don’t live in a time where people pair off as much as they did. We might say we really want to but be really honest with ourselves – do we? I don’t know if I do. Yes I wish I did. But I also like being single to work on myself and my work and friendships and not be messed around by people that aren’t putting in that work.
as an OW you were choosing to be unavailable, making sure that nothing real could develop. Three years is not that long to look for real love if the experience before that was such a denial of the possibility. Have you forgiven yourself for your choices where you treated yourself with such callous disregard? Oh boy. How we all do that. You should explore those choices and the feelings and events that led to them. And you’re not exploring them to get a real love in another person. That self work is no guarantee of a relationship but I think it can guarantee that we show up and are authentic in whatever we do. That’s the only guarantee out there that is achievable.
Nice response, especially the emphasis on acceptance of ourselves and others. There is a real danger in a lot of the pop-psychology on self-esteem and self-love, I also believe that the focus is better placed on self-care and acceptance. So many of us have been hurt, or abused in our pasts so part of our healing is learning to accept this, the parts of us that are damaged, or hurt – not waking up in the morning with a kind of false-cheeriness and catch-phrases about unconditional self-love. Learning how to care and protect ourselves, while loving and trusting others makes more sense and is less ego-driven, it seems to me. Have you noticed how so many of those emphasising how much they love themselves seem closed to others and people who see or experience things differently?
Reading your message and that could of easily been me writing it! I have been in exactly the same situation for the last 5 years! I’m totally lost! I don’t know how to date any more, don’t trust my judgement and don’t feel I can read situations in a level headed way!! I have recently been starting to think that I too will be forever single at this rate and that makes me really sad!! The worst is all the questions from friends, family work colleagues! ‘Have you not got a partner’, ‘what’s wrong with you’ etc etc!!! I really struggle with rejection/abandonment issues too and I feel like every word in this post sums me up….I’m a people pleaser, who out last the guy immediately on a pedestal and me below never feeling good enough!! The question is how do I/we change our ways when they are so ingrained!!!
Thank you for this post! I am actually in my first conscious relationship right now. I’ve been more focused on how I can grow and evolve as a person, than what comes of the situation. As a result, I’ve noticed where I am still akin to old pleasing patterns, as well as playing it small… Yet, this man does not expect this from me. In fact, I don’t think he likes when I do this… at all. Consequently, I am continuing to step into my own power as a woman, and he will either rise up to meet me, or he won’t. The end results do not matter… what matters is that I’m true to me. This is a co-created experience. It’s groovy.????
If I could read one of your your posts every day, I think this one would be it. Amazing. Thanks, Nat.
i find it confusing 🙁
one important point was not emphasized in the original commentary or perhaps that was meant to be a given: 1) you have to go about co-creating with someone who WANTS that and 2) you have to go about co-creating with someone who WANTS THAT WITH YOU
so. . .I’ve read a lot of stuff recently about “going slow” and “delaying sex” or whatever. . .as if you can go slow and not have sex early and wind up with a relationship.
I say– maybe. It doesn’t work to slow a man down and not have sex with him in order to co-create a relationship with him, for example. If he is a non-monagamous type oriented toward multiple partners, that’s a time waster for a co-creator who wants love, care, trust and respect in an intimate partnership.
Agree that it is increasingly rare these days to find a man who wants to pace a relationship, delay or perhaps opt out of sex and work on co-creating something meaningful leading to a committed relationship in which he will presumably only have sex with one woman.
Just sayin’, though.
Good point!!! You can’t co-created if you are on totally different pages! I just learned this one the hard way, but I’m thankful to have learned… much more quickly! Best of luck!!!
I think sometimes it does work to slow things down. Or at least keep the physical more in balance with emotional bonding and commitment level. A mutual respectful caring partner who is interested enough will be patient . It’s more a sign if they will respect you are a full person with needs and boundaries they have to work with or they hop along to their next victim. Even in casual or ambiguous relationship or hookup it’s good to have some respect even if doesn’t turn into fairytale happily ever after eventually.
Mind you last time I personal had to implement this the guy involved was cheating on me* (and her I presume she(they) wasn’t(weren’t) aware) from the beginning (“non-monagamous type oriented toward multiple partners ” which I’m not judging but need to be honest about ). It was certainly less painful if a “waste” of time once I found out.
non-monagamous men do not and cannot make time and space for respect, they just do not care
emotional bonding and commitment mean nothing to these types of men — no matter how slow you personally are going, once they have sex they will leave or otherwise mess you about
it is true as well that non-monogamous men are often not upfront about it — that’s part of the thrill of lack of commitment for them — some women are into casual sex, most are not, that’s the honey trap for those of us women who are monogamous and commitment oriented
there is no job opening for commitment with non-monogamous men
just sayin’
Not meaning they would change their umm orientation if that’s how it should be thought of. You can’t turn a lion into a coyote (sick of the leopard spots analogy). There are exceptions but bad bet to make.
Known a few men who had multiple partners but were very open and respectful about having relationships not just sex or feeling superior for lying. Not even kinky swinger stuff just regular mature healthy relationships.
As always there are lies. There are people with mental issues and/or substance issues or just get off on screwing with people. Those are the people who should be weeded out along with non compatible mating result or type orientations.
There are the lost people still trying to figure out what they want or works for them that probably get lumped in the jerk category. Those are maybe the people who want same thing but figure out don’t want it with you perhaps and don’t own up to it and end it.
Just saying it changes the dynamic to have boundaries even if it doesn’t change the final result (lying, cheating, break ups). I do think it’s harder for the less then full disorder psycho sadist to do mental gymnastics to disvalue you if they actually get to know you. Flaws even make you a full person they can’t project as much bs on to.
I break ranks with the idea that multiple relationships are healthy. Further,I consider a “flaw” in a relationship or potential partner to be some type of minor irritation — like leaving the toilet seat up, something like that — things that can be worked on by stating a preference and the other person working on removing that particular barrier to happiness and success in the relationship.
A flaw to me is not code amber, red alert behavior like lying, manipulation, prone to multiple relationships at a time.
I think I take what Natalie says on EUsas kind of an absolute. Of course there are exceptions, of course it may SEEM as if the man in multiple relationshps that these are healthy and mature — but Natalie has said(somewhere) that a harem situation is healthy for no one, including the man.
I think the idea of no-job opening means don’t bend on things that are unacceptable to you just because the person is charming, seems respectful, might change etc.
To flip it, I think she kind of means, let THEM apply for YOUR job opening.
🙂
jus’ sayin
Welp! This sums up my entire abusive marriage. I literally stepped into our relationship trying to be a perfect girlfriend and she bled me dry, treated me like a child, fat shamed me when I gained weight and blamed me for ev-er-y-thing! After I got sick and couldn’t be her perfect trophy wife, she was ready to throw me out with the next batch of trash.
What I hadn’t own up until now was my role in the entire situation. I felt inferior and I was tap dancing and auditioning to be my ex-wife’s partner (I’m bisexual). She never treated me like and equal. She didn’t respect me because I didn’t respect myself enough to just be me in the relationship.
I’m only being myself these days. I communicate my needs and I no longer settle for lazy communication. I still have to be mindful of my Florence Nightingale tendencies: ironically I’m in nursing school. I’m just doing my best to be me and if the person I’m dating doesn’t like me or show interest, that’s becoming more and more ok.
This post is very timely for me. I’m ready to move on to a new relationship, but I realize now I didn’t co-create those relationships. They might have resisted and the relationships might have ended sooner, but that’s a small price to pay for ultimately ending up with a more satisfying relationship – one that meets both parties needs. I think I was afraid of being alone. I was too willing to compromise my own needs and desires for the sake of the relationship. I have been taking care of myself for a while now and don’t feel I need to be in a relationship. It’s something I’d like, but no longer something I need. I’m ready to co-create a relationship if the right man comes along. Thank you for another thought provoking post.