Many people struggle with the notion of being replaceable. We like to feel that we can’t be substituted with ease. That we mattered enough that someone else won’t be able to seemingly take over where we left off. We recognise that, OK, our ex is going to move on if we’re no longer together. That’s a given. But we want them to do it in a way that doesn’t disrespect the relationship we shared with them. When we discover, for example, that our ex moved on before the end of the relationship (known as overlapping), or that they had someone else in their mind and/or bed within hours or days of us leaving, it burns. We feel replaceable instead of realising that the person is clearly avoidant.
People who base their value on how replaceable they feel also live in fear of it. They expend most of their efforts while dating and in relationships on trying to be the replacement for others.
It’s a Replacement Mentality. When we look at who we spend our relationships with and what we’re trying to do, it’s about taking the place of someone or something.
Choose me over him/her or your problems.
Replace him/her or your codependent behaviour with me.
We make our lives about competing. We become too embroiled in what others are being and doing and where we can offer a competitive advantage. As soon as we do this, we’re not truly respecting ourselves or others.
Of course, because we’re so caught up in ‘replacing’, we’re not ourselves. Knowing our worth and are living our values, boundaries, and basically being ourselves isn’t our priority. We get too caught up in looking at others and using that to influence where we think we need to adapt to be more pleasing. We look and listen for clues as to what will make them keep this replacement (us) and not look elsewhere. If they mention that they didn’t like something last time, the editing begins. We start scratching things off our personality and character to stay in play — bye bye boundaries, values and sense of self.
We want to know that we’re “better than” someone or “as enough”.
If we’re there and their ex isn’t, we wonder why they would want to go back or keep pining for that person when we’re right there trying to be the replacement. It’s what fuels many an affair. We want the person we’re involved with to remove the other party from their role because obviously, something is “wrong” with that person. Note: this may very well not be the case at all and blames the other party for the cheater’s actions. We regard us as the better option, and we want to be the replacement. We want their current partner’s role even though if we get it, we might desperately want to give it back when we realise the reality of our involvement!
When we allow someone to default to or fall back on us like a rainy day option that they keep in their back pocket, we are, again, looking to be a replacement. We think, ‘I’ll be your Fallback Girl / Guy. I’ll jump into the role when you click your fingers or turn up the heat on things.’
We see this person as having a role, and in our minds, we occupied and did that role best. They just didn’t know it and appreciate it. We keep ourselves available so that we can be the replacement and basically occupy the role we were in before…. even if when we think about it, that role detracted from us because we barely had two self-esteem beans to rub together. We ignore the fact that when we’re around them, we live in fear of being replaced at any moment.
When we don’t show up as an equal who is deserving of love, care, trust, and respect and who gets to choose what they do and don’t want to be involved in, we carry on as if we’re in the X-Factor or Dating Idol. We have a Choose Me mentality. We want the role of The Next Big Thing.
There’s a lot of problems when we treat our relationships like this. Aside from automatically putting the person on a pedestal and giving them far too much power, we’re carrying on as if this person who just isn’t that special, has a vacancy of “Good enough person who will provoke me into making them the exception to my rule and closing that vacancy for good. Must be willing to run over hot coals and jump through hoops for crumbs”.
By waiting to be chosen, we’re treating potential prospects as if they have a blanket role to fill and we just have to be whatever they want us to be to fill it.
When we have a replacement mentality, we keep making the mistake of assuming that if someone is out of a role, then it’s because they’re not “good enough”. It’s the flawed and painful assumption that we have the opportunity to replace them. But conversely, when things don’t work out for us, we then assume that it’s because we’re not good enough either and that we’re being replaced by someone who is “better” than us. And round and round we go, lather, rinse, repeat.
It’s not a job vacancy! It’s a mutual relationship!
This is why it’s crucial to decide who we are and get on with this first and foremost. We mustn’t move through this world as if we have no agency. Like everyone else gets to impose their wishes upon us.
We’ve got to show up as somebody who is getting to know their worth (or knows it). It’s showing up to go through the discovery phase and mutually unfold, not to audition for a role and perform.
We’ve got to stop slipping into desperation and trying to slot into people’s lives as if we’re a person who just goes with whatever flows their way. We matter. Not more or less than anyone else; as much as everyone else.
Trying to be a replacement gets us into filling roles gets us into pretending. Who has that kind of time?
Also, we must be careful of the replacement double standard. If we don’t like feeling as if we’re replaceable, we have no business deriving our value from trying to matter more or as much as the last person. That goes for competing with harem, too. We will lose our integrity in the pursuit and gradually forget and lose our true selves. We end up realising that we’ve become something that we don’t recognise or like because we’ve replaced ourselves due to not valuing us enough.
They don’t own us, and we don’t own them.
What has their previous or next relationship got to do with it (got to do with it)?
We’ll be a second-rate them, and their ex or future partner(s) will be a second-rate us. We’re so busy trying to fill roles that hurt us that we forget that by being a replacement, we’re basically trying to give someone the same relationship in a different or slightly enhanced package, even if that relationship isn’t right for us or them.
Your thoughts?
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THIS!! exactly on the money nat. i think a lot of times i knew that this person isn’t going to change, and a part of me probably wouldn’t even know what to do with them even if they did.i might even be able to respect me competing for first place but more often that not, i was pathetically playing for second place to whatever the barrier is ( commitmentphobia, ex, whatever)
my friend always used to tell me she doesn’t play hard to get , she plays hard to forget. even when she knew she was not going to be “chosen” she actually didn’t want to be chosen (that came with the responsibility of living up to the person’s idea of her) she wanted to be remembered as “the one who got away” “the one they will regret letting go for all eternity”and she engineered elaborate performances really to sow this seed in the men she dated. it worked! years later even the men she dated who married other women still have wow memories of her, not enough to wish they had married her instead but like she was the highlight of their single days reminiscing. pathetic!
now i see that that is kind of what i was doing. i really had no aspirations of being “the one” as i was just as EUM but i sure as hell didn’t wanna be “just sex” or “booty call” like i was above THAT but still somehow kind of believed i wasn’t good enough for something more than i was getting. by living in a consolation prize of believing i was “special(er)” than some others because i got more fringe benefits than many have gotten i missed the point that i still didn’t have a mutual relationship and taking comfort in having anything less than that was beyond pathetic.
i have always dated “chivalrous EUM” ( ha, i know hey) the kind that take you out to dinner, introduce you to friends all the hallmarks of relationship but without the substance and i mistook it not feeling bad ( which is what i would feel if i was just called for sex once a week and having a downlow thing or something) with it feeling good. it didn’t feel good and in the grand scheme of things it doesn’t matter if i was in the higher ranks of crumb-ness , i was still in crumbs! and it doesn’t matter if i engineered it that i will be the most outstanding contender for “almost the one” fecck, what on earth does that add to my life, being almost the one?
what i need to do is overcome my own fears of actually giving myself to someone and that is the only way i can be with someone who is capabale of giving themselves.
Your friend sounds just like my ex. He knew he never wanted to be with these women but went out of his way to be so charming (sending cards, trips etc) and future faked so they would all be attached to him. And of course, he wants to be best friends with all his exes. But he even told his soon to be wife, “you know i was never going to marry those other girls”. wow…pathetic indeed.But he doesn’t hesitate to attempt to keep me on a string by telling me, as you put it, I was in the higher order of crumbs (thankfully, I don’t buy the “we COULD of been xyz” crap anymore and don’t speak to him anymore).
It ties into another post Natalie had recently. When we are looking for our happy ending (man or woman), it’s easy to get side tracked by the charm and future faking.
“in the grand scheme of things it doesn’t matter if i was in the higher ranks of crumb-ness , i was still in crumbs! and it doesn’t matter if i engineered it that i will be the most outstanding contender for “almost the one” fecck, what on earth does that add to my life, being almost the one?”
^^^^^ cheers to that!
@kookie:
“i mistook it not feeling bad with it feeling good”….
This is brilliant and on-the-mark for things I’ve been doing, as I try to change behaviour patterns with who I get involved with and tend to like. It’s almost as if I think, well, I’m not on an emotional high but it’s not bad so it’s good.
Kookie,
This is great and crushing at the same time. I have been thinking to myself lately “why did I seem to be auditioning for all the men, and female friend I have ever had?”. I look back and feel exhausted remembering how I never seemed to be able to relaxed, EVER! I felt like I wasn’t good enough just being myself and that was a terrifying feeling. I didn’t want to be alone in this world so I became whatever I thought they needed, yuk. I have stopped the behavior (and only a few resisted the change, so I sent them packing) with really hard work and have tried to focus my love and care on people that are good hearted, and that has changed everything for me. I work on accepting that I may someday end up all alone and that I better make peace with that possibility. children leave home, husbands pass away or leave, anything can happen, nothing is guaranteed. So now I try to enjoy my life and relationships with an open vulnerable heart and I try to keep the games out as much as I possible can (I am not a saint after all :))It is working out wonderfully so far.
“what i need to do is overcome my own fears of actually giving myself to someone and that is the only way i can be with someone who is capabale of giving themselves.”
Exactly!
In time that fear goes away. One thing I learned is if you meet someone who genuinely cares about you and consistently shows that they can be given the benefit of the doubt first then be trusted you will overcome this fear. Work through this fear because you don’t want to take this into a potentially good relationship.
Where’s the “like” button on this thing. Nat that was a beautiful article and kookie that was a wonderful response. Both hit me square between the eyes
kookie- Thank you. You are so articulate and self-aware! What you wrote is me too. I just didn’t realize until you wrote your post.
Excellent, Natalie. I have more than a small acquaintance with the “replacement mentality.”
Also, just read your “Transitionals…” post. Great companion piece for this one, I thought.
I met someone a couple weeks ago…. There’s some awkwardness and I’m a lil terrified about being vulnerable. I’ve been seeing who she is…I like what I’ve seen so far… but I still haven’t kissed her yet.
This is by far the slowest I’ve ever taken things. This is also the first time in a long time that I’ve engaged with someone sure of myself and proud of what I bring to the table. Have I worked out everything? No, but I know where to start and where I’d like to be in the future. She is not my ex and I am not hers. I will do the best that I can and I will hold myself accountable and keep on task. I want sonething that will last…. and if it doesn’t work out…. I’ll be fine. As will she.
2Fearce. I wish you the best with this one. Everybody needs somebody. It’s only normal and healthy to want a fulfilling relationship. Good luck.
Glad you’re sounding more confident and loving yourself.
2Fierce- Ditto what Tinkerbell said. 🙂
Ack! While I know this is true in theory, I am finding it really hard to put it into practice! It’s probably still too fresh as I spent too much time on the hamster wheel running after ex AC’s crumbs and am still licking my wounds wondering “what does the new girlfriend have that I don’t” and in moments of self-righteousness, “how in hell can she be better than me?” I’m still dealing with the cognitive dissonance of realizing the “competition” is over and finding out that my ex wasn’t a prize, even though I kind of knew that all along. Maybe I’m just competitive. Or maybe it’s to do with my anger over the “bad return on investment” and feeling the more I “competed” the more I’d be validated that I hadn’t wasted so much of my time, love, money, etc. etc.. I’m rambling…in the cold light of relationship post-mortem everything seems to tie into each other.
Sophie,
We all feel that way when the new person comes along, but you know what as Natalie says you can’t internalize it. Say this to yourself: They will never find anybody better than me, maybe different, but never better! LOL
Thanks Stephanie! A great saying to repeat to memorize. It made me smile.
I’m finding it hard not to internalize and do feel like the new girlfriend is replacement model for me, as I was a replacement model for his girlfriend before me. It infuriates me that he just tosses women out when he gets tired and moves on (literally) to the next one without a look over his shoulder. Have to stop comparing though and believe that it’s onwards and upwards for me, and yet another yo yo relationship for him!
Soph, it is so easy to compare! I’ve been there after being cheated on (what did they ALL have that I couldn’t even dream of??)
But you have to remember that actually, you are WAY TOO GOOD for these ACs. You’re too you. Remember the Dr Seuss’ poem? “No one is youer that you!”
That always made me smile when I used to dread being me.
You are amazing I’m sure, it is just a shame these losers can’t see it! Believe in you 🙂
I have been waiting to hear this for 8 months now. After reading the first paragraph I was yelling “Amen.” Avoidant…that’s exactly what he is! God Bless your soul Natalie. I needed this one!
You are brilliant Natalie (and get out of my head ha ha!). I remember when I was younger my worst fear was being replaceable. But I never really put the pieces of the puzzle together like you do in this article.
You have really helped me see the light and my eyes and my ears are wide open. Bless you.
Dear Kookie, Your story resonates heavily with me. I am just beginning to realize that I am EU too, but when I am dated EUMs, I wanted commitment all the way – I never sought commitment with normal guys. It only becoame desirable to me when I could not get it. And then I think – hey, wait a minute, if I am seeking commit, and they are not THEY must be the commitment phobic party, not me. Am in NC at the moment and wondering how will I grow out of this denial of sorts, and am I really open to commitment with someone who can give it. Why am I not attracted to commitment otherwise? And can I really blame an AC for dilly dallying with me, if I allowed him to?
Chivalrous EUM sound just like the AC I broke up with. He comes as poised and charming as possible, and gives me a lot of gifts, writes long emails, has never been rude, introduced me all his friends etc etc. But in the process he stole all my friends, and strung me along, slept with another woman without telling me about it when he got together with me again, and played the cold distancing act all too often. He write that he can;t bear no contat, and that he wants to ‘hang out’ with me. He claims misses me. I have not replied.
You are right, crumbs are crumbs. And the chivalrous sort will always be considered lovely people by others No one knows what you or me have been through. Just stick to your truth, and value you ability to give to others. Just that we need to recieve, in order to be healthy givers. That is what I am learning. Thanks Nat for this excellent post. Bought both your books, NC and Mr EUM, and both are brilliant lifelines at the moment. I wish I had found you 5 years ago!
You must not know ’bout me
You must not know ’bout me
I can have another you in a minute
Matter fact, he’ll be here in a minute …
So don’t you ever for a second get to thinkin’
You’re irreplaceable …
Always thought Beyoncé doesn’t sound like such a nice person in this song! Now we know why!
But seriously, yes, I got the feeling early on in my relationship with the exAC that the role of “his girlfriend” was a plum position and that I, lucky me, had been chosen! I heard often about the failings of previous candidates and often wondered why he picked me and really, what the job description really was, because what I felt I was good at and valuable for wasn’t what he was valuing me for. So that left me feeling vulnerable to someone ‘better’ coming along and bumping me out of my precious seat, and boy did he like it that way.
I realize now how opposite that is to how it works when things are good. I’m full within myself now, and realizing that my vision of myself as “half a set of parents” probably wasn’t helpful; it meant I was always auditioning guys for “the other half” which is role-based and therefore is about imagining a puzzle-piece hole in my life and trying to fit someone in it. You don’t fit this gap? Next? Who will be what I’m looking for?
Now that I’m not looking at partnership that way (so much), I see myself as a whole person who needs a pretty good reason to hook myself and my orbit to another’s. However, the plus side of this non-lack orientation is that I could imagine all kinds of people possibly being able to be this addition to my life. Will it be a three-pronged addition? A red and fuzzy addition? A blue and green spotted addition? I don’t know, as long as I know my standard is love/trust/respect/care, I don’t need to have a pre-set idea of what the extra someone brings will look like.
Just another thought on the job analogy: my department knew they would be looking for a replacement for the professor that is retiring. But when they wrote the job ad, they didn’t write a description that was a copy of her, trying to really “replace” her. In fact, I was told today that rumours in my home city are that they wrote the job for me (it does look like they did, but hey, no chickens counted yet). My point is, when this happens (and even if it isn’t true in this case, it’s often true that companies will have someone in mind and write a job description that’s aimed right at that person), it shows that even when there is an open “role” (“professor,” “boyfriend”), that once a real person shows up you have to decide whether you want the real person. If you do, you ought to be basically rewriting that job description to fit him (or her) being who he or she is.
I’m amazed, really, to watch these people basically write the ad to basically look for “someone who has Magnolia’s qualifications and does what Magnolia does.”
I imagine that would be a sliver of how it would feel to be loved romantically: I wouldn’t feel dude only wanted X kind of girlfriend and Mags fits as well as most, I would feel that when I came along, dude was like, hey, I’m rewriting the job description to read basically: “Mags.”
Hard to feel like you’re about to be replaced when that’s the case, when the job is just being yourself. And same goes for finding a guy. I figure I’ll meet someone and eventually just go hey, I could be totally into getting more of this dude just continuing to be who he is.
Magnolia- Thank you. Your post and kookie’s is really clarifying for me my own mentality that I wasn’t fully aware I had or was experiencing in others.
Magnolia, you sound like a really great person to be with!
“What has their previous or next relationship got to do with it (got to do with it)?” << OK, that is one of the funniest things ever on this blog! Great article. 🙂
Ok, so this hit me in the face and made me realize why I would have that “ick” feeling after hanging out with guys I was around. I would be so angry because I wasn’t the “chosen” until the day a good friend said to me,”Do you even like that jerk and THAT is want you want”?!? Cold water and a beautiful release in my psyche. I had to break the habit but now I’m in a wonderful relationship getting to know ME.
Wow! Again you impress me with your precise and accurate insight, which too few people really discuss. I love your honesty.
THIS is 90% of exactly why I literally almost died (DIED!!) from heart break. The ex-boy had recently had his heart broken and it was obvious she really had had his heart. And I wanted to attain that. I focused on his needs, on making sure that everything was cozy so he could remove the wall from his heart and let me in, choose me..because I really did love him, and still do. The point is, instead of focusing on my worth and my highest well-being, I focused on his needs, on his heart, on replacing her…that her whom his heart was still attached to. And it tore me apart. And he claimed to want to spend the rest of his life with me, that he wanted me to be the mother of his children…we talked marriage plans…and then he disappeared and shattered my heart, which shattered my body, and in turn shattered my life. I’ve learnt hard and valuable lessons from this experience. I used to think it was noble to focus on the other person’s needs…but there must be balance, and my highest well-being, MY heart is too valuable and precious to sacrifice again. I open myself to true healthy love reciprocity wonderful treatment and commitment.
Yes, Gruvee, there does need to be a balance and reciprocity. I know how easy it is to become the nurturer and get sucked into forgetting about your own needs, feelings and even thoughts! I do/did that too. Even with my children. I felt like I was a good mom to sacrifice everything for my children. But now I know that is not true. I am just teaching them to discount me like I discount myself. It is all a learning… I am learning. It sounds like you are too. 🙂
gruvee! their heart is elsewhere; this is so true! I went through similar thing with my exEUM. After 9 months of confusion and disappointment, I decided I needed to shut it down. I can’t change, control, fix or heal another person. After NC, he chased, but I knew that was out of guilt and part pity; he knows I’m a good person and cared about him, but I do have pride and will not grovel and/or accept crumbs. He selfishly wanted to push reset to absolve his own guilt. He tried a few more times, but I just kept NC. I was done!
5+ months and I’m now finally starting to recover and move on. It was the worst breakup ever. I missed him. Because we got along so well and had great chemistry and that’s hard to find nowadays. I had been alone for a long time and was thrilled to meet someone I liked so much. But, as they say, hearts never break evenly. So, you just put your big girl pants on and learn from the experience. I know I’ll definitely have healthier boundaries, moving forward.
Peace and Love to everyone here! Each week, I love all your wisdom and stories. They make me laugh and cry. We are fierce and beautiful inside and out!
Sparkle-
“…hearts never break evenly.”
Thank you. I haven’t heard this saying. Yes, it perfectly describes a broken heart.
Rosie – this is actually also part of a famous song (Breakeven by The Script) where it says:
“Cos I got time, while she got freedom…
‘Cause she’s moved on while I’m still grieving
And when a heart breaks no it don’t break even”
Just a song that came into my head when I was reading this conversation – so true.
Sparkle,
I like your post and the fact that you will not accept any more crumbs. Just one point I’d like to make. Don’t attribute any guilt as his reason for trying to get you back. You don’t know that, and it doesn’t matter anyway. If he’s EU he doesn’t know HOE TO feel guilt about the way he’s treating you or anyone else. He just doesn’t want to be rejected whether he feels strongly about you or not. It’s ego that drives him.
Keep up the good work.
Mays:
You are so right. EU never feel guilt. The ex after the cheating with the ex girlfriend never apologized once. He tried to set up a ‘talk’ to explain but I found out thru a mutual friend that it was so that he could feel better about how it ended. Basically I told him to go to hell and went NC.
To this day I think he is with the red head (the girl who cheated on me with) because she dumped him and then came crawling back to him. His ego must have been on cloud nine……
Sorry. The above was meant for Tinkerbell and Sparkle….I have no idea why I said ‘Mays’. I probably was thinking of Mags when I was fat fingering on my phone. 🙂
On line dating really has aspects of auditioning for a play. Casting call, reading from a script, the whole shebang. In retrospect, AC was and probably still is, constantly auditioning women for a job where the job description changes, sometimes daily, even while someone else is
currently occupying the lead role. Since the end of my marriage, I too have been auditioning guys for a replacement for my ex but I am really clear what the job description is, based upon what does and does not work for me (educated, cares about environment and others, takes good care of self, responsible) and never have strung along multiple applicants simultaneously. However, I have a hard time garnering any enthusiasm for what’s “out there”; if I rewrite the job description to suit the new person, I loose what I was looking for entirely and bail. Maybe my inability to settle is a subconcious way of protection against further hurts. Maybe Noquay needs her own harem; one guy to discuss books, another to train with, a third to rant about the decline of our environment, and give up on sex because I cannot find anyone I am both both attracted to and can form a connection with. Really am considering figuring out how to ethically bail from society and go deep into the woods. Been reading a lot by fellow native authors and exercising gratitude for the natural world. Great article Nat.
Noquay…I think we’re the same age and in the same boat. I did the same thing with on-line, I sort of rewrote my ‘resume’ to suit whatever I thought I was looking for. So when one guy dumped me, I was back in the saddle looking for the next one. The ‘common wisdom’ these days seems to be, “Hey, I’m not getting MY needs met, so I’ll keep looking.” Problem is, I kept meeting guys who were just commitmentphobe AC’s. But somehow I felt like I had to audition for the part of their girlfriend, and for about five minutes that worked. But when I think back, I didn’t like something about them from the get-go, yet I held on because I thought, “He has a good job, owns a house, is raising his kids, so he must be a good guy” and disregarded my ‘not feeling it’, or seeing HUGE red flags and ignoring them because I wanted to be the ‘Chosen One’. Now I browse on-line on occasion(my profile is hidden, so I’m not really in the pool) but I look at every guy and think ‘meh’…I like being around men with a sassy, snarky sense of humor, who love the arts, politics, helping people…yet I’m finding they’re not out there, at least they’re not on-line.
So for now I make myself content with my girlfriends who feel the same way as me and resign myself to no men unless one amazing candidate pops out of the woodwork. And I ain’t holding my breath.
Natalie,
I’m almost finished with THE DREAMER AND THE FANTASY RELATIONSHIP. Natalie, I am totally convinced you are a product of reincarnation. I don’t usually attribute that assessment to just anyone. But, there is no way, at your young age, you could be sooo smart without having been here before. You haven’t lived enough adult years to acquire the wisdom that you possess. It’s insane. One could say it’s an innate, God-given ability and talent, but it’s more than that. Most of the book describes me to a T. I am truly amazed. I’m learning and realizing so much about myself. I’m facing truths that I’ve buried for YEARS. You are incredible. I cannot thank you enough. (Hugs) Tinkerbell.
I think that being with EUM and assclowns can have you questioning your worth constantly. Then you start to convince yourself that you aren’t replaceable. Everybody is replaceable, the key is when it comes to EUM and assclowns–should you be thankful that they or you chose to be replaced!
Stephanie,
You are so right! One does not their head from their ass, when involved in one of these relationships!
Allison,
So true, he rang again on the land line so I finally found the guts to change that as well (did my cell phone the other day), found myself listening to him tell me he missed me, loved me, did he have a chance with me and then saying that he was still with my replacement, I am actually starting to feel really sorry for her bet she never realised what she was getting herself into….you gotta laugh, the bullshit is just never ending and I was always wondering which way was up during our 5 years together.
Found myself just about falling for his special brand of crap..but I am neither a fall back girl, a bit on the side or a complete idiot no matter how much he thinks I still am that person, I am alot stronger now then I ever was with him thanks to Natalie and everybody on here.
Good, Sandy. I remember you told us you had finally blocked him and I was so happy for you because I thought you would have done ALL of your numbers at the same time. it’s only common sense that he would try more than one number. Anyway, at least you did it now. You don’t need to listen to any of his messages. Stay strong in NC. You WILL see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Sandy,
Good for you!
This guy doesn’t get it, but you’ve see the light.
Stay strong and ignore!!!! 🙂
Tink and Allison
Thankyou!!! Didn’t think he would honestly try again, plus it cost quite a bit to change my land line, (free for the mobile) so I didn’t really want to go there unless I had to..but I had to..he knows which buttons to push, he knows I still care but I just can’t go there again, too painful, too everything really, he lied, he cheated, he dished out crumbs and I know I truly do deserve more, I am not in a hurry though, I am enjoying the no stress life style at the moment with summer nearly here and Xmas not far off, I do love this time of year 🙂
Sandy,
I thought there must have been more to it as to why you didn’t change your land line also. I knew you were smarter than that.
I also realized from yours posts that you’re continuing to harboring feelings of longing for him. I know how hard that is to cope with and how easy it is to give in and go back. You don’t want to do that. Don’t let your heart screw with your mind. Sending best wishes. Tink.
Tink thank you for your support, yes I do harbour longings but it isn’t as strong as it used to be, no contact is starting to make him more distant in my mind and heart, I find I can go for stretches at a time where he doesn’t cross my mind, I couldn’t have said that a week to two weeks ago…he made his bed and now he gets to lie unhappily in it…does that make me happy that he is miserable, yep it does, karma sure is a bitch, he made so many women miserable that as much as it goes against my grain to wish ill of somebody, some people kind of deserve it lol even writing that makes me feel a bad person!!
Sandy,
Just remember avoidance of being a bad person is how you ended up with the turd and now are NC. We have to be strong, and protect ourselves from those who mean us no good. Good luck as always.
Natalie, you hit the nail on the head at the start: it’s avoidant! Such a good word. I was the woman bandaid for the last divorce and now he is got a whole box of bandaids to cover the wound of me leaving him. But we all leave him. He avoids reality and doesn’t care to “mutually unfold.” Great article. So glad you are out there.
I love you Natalie and your great advice! You have helped me so much! I agree with you – you have steered me away from so many of these “audition- like” so-called relationships. There are men that are just needy and putting notches in their belt just boosts THEIR self esteem. They are charming Natalie….that is their biggest advantage. When I read your words, it helps me to use my higher brain and be sensible and take care of myself .
I really needed to hear this today.
First of all, NML, this site is an amazing resource. I’ve been sifting through all your wonderful work here since I discovered it a couple of weeks ago. My long-term BF (an EUM, though he would of course never think so) moved to another state about six weeks ago at the end of September. We had been in a relationship for a total of four and a half years: the first three seemed solid at the time (retrospect tells a different story), two of those years we lived together, and the last year and a half we were stuck in a sort of limbo when last year, only eight months after my father died, my ex suddenly left me to move across the country because he felt that I “wasn’t paying enough attention” to him (I should add that I was also in my last year of grad school, was working on a thesis, and teaching three classes while he was unemployed). The limbo was primarily out of my own inaction, knowing that I should break it off with him but not having the courage to do so because I was still mourning my father. We had given our relationship a go again this summer, and while we were working through some difficulties (unresolved issues from when we last lived together), we seemed well on our way to working it all out, not least of all because I wasn’t letting bad behavior slide. Which is probably exactly why he felt we weren’t ready to “spend all our time with each other and settle down together,” also citing that I was “busy with work” and thus not able to commit to a relationship with him (he’s very needy for attention). One week after moving out of state, he started dating a girl, without us even having had an official break-up conversation, and within the next month, he was official seeing her.
Luckily, I am now 31 days NC. I sent only two short, totally undignified text messages after the last time I saw him, but knew to leave well enough alone after that point and went cold turkey. I feel accomplished for this feat, yet I’ve felt dreadful since he started seeing this woman. Didn’t I mean anything to him? I can’t even think of kissing someone new, and but here he is making plans and confusing our friends with her photos he’s tagged in (I blocked him on FB before the photos showed up because I knew they were coming). I keep comparing myself to her, saying to myself, “I’m prettier! I’m more accomplished than her! At least I’m not a lush!” In the end, I get upset because all I can think is, HOW CAN HE REPLACE ME SO EASILY?
This post is so poignant because of lines like this:
and
I’ve been ruminating on this since I read it last night, and after an evening at home watching Bridesmaids (HA!), making dinner for myself for the first time in weeks (I’ve been subsisting on cheese, crackers, and leftovers), and treating myself to a couple of small glasses of wine, I started seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I made a list of projects I wanted to do to help my career and I went to bed at a reasonable hour. When I woke up, I willed myself to not think of him and her so that I had a chance at a day that didn’t include tears and a panicked IM to a friend saying I was thisclose to breaking NC. Has my day been perfect? Not at all, but it is better and as I enter month 2 of NC, I feel I’ve turned a corner.
I’m looking forward to day 60 and hoping I won’t even know the count then. Thanks for your wisdom, NML.
Apn,
It takes hard work, but you are on your way. NC is very difficult and you will want to connect with him, but please don’t. You will only set yourself back and then have to start from the beginning again. Stay strong and be proud of yourself for coming this far.
Lots of thought provoking things in this post! I do see a lot of avoidant behavior around. I do avoidant things myself. When you care to look, its all around.
I really related to the description of trying to make myself irreplaceable. It IS like auditioning for a job, and frankly, it’s stress producing. And I agree–at the core of it is a whole lot of scrambling, competitive, insecure behavior.
Sandy,
I was in the same situation where I believe the person he is with and later married had no idea that he was trying to still get with me!! The best part was being able to tell him no way and laughing the whole time. He had the nerve to call me and tell he is gettng married after I went going NC for about year and ask me to meet me! Dodge a big bullet
Stephanie, I am not sure whether she knows, this woman although I feel sorry for her was seeing him before we broke up…what goes around comes around I always think and really if he did it to me, his ex-girlfriend before me and now he’s doing it to her what does that say about him.
Karma eh?!
wow, this was a hard one. I never thought that I did this, but looking at my history I guess I do think this way. I felt replaced by my 1st ex husband. We broke up for a bit in college. He dated someone and I dated someone. Then after our marriage ended, he went back to her and has stayed with her, having children etc. I did look at her like she replaced me. Had the life I was “supposed” to have. Then my 2nd ex husband is dating a woman with two children (we have 2 children too). I feel like their relationship is a ‘replacement’ for ours.
Then during my relationship with mr. UK, he was so not over his ex-wife. I kept thinking, if only he would want to marry me and have a family with me like he did with her. I guess I was looking to be the ‘replacement’ this time. Now he has a new gf and I again feel replaced.
Wow, I actually had thoughts that I wanted that “role.” I didn’t want to be his ex-wife. I wanted him to feel the same way he felt towards her, but toward me. Maybe it all stems from the 1st ex husband. He felt the same way about his new wife that he used to feel for me. Same now with my 2nd ex husband.
I know now that the waving red flags of him not being over his ex wife should have had me running for the hills. I never would have expressed, but I just really wanted to be the replacement…
No, I just really want to be the priority. The one and only. And how can that be when their heart has not healed from the relationship before. Had my heart really healed from my past relationships? I guess now I feel like yes. I wouldn’t want to be with my either ex husband now. But it is still healing from him, mr. uk the EUM.
I am happy to say I am 41 days NC! I have blocked him from FB. Removed him from my contacts in my phone. Erased our past texts. Deleted all his old voice mails.
My birthday came and went. I invited friends to meet me out for drinks. I am happy to say it was quite a good turn out. I hadn’t celebrated my own birthday since I was about 10. I was so happy the next day to think, I didn’t think about mr. UK all day! I was too busy and happy. I didn’t care that he didn’t reach out to me. There have been a few sad days since then, but I don’t have the desire to reach out to him.
Hi Micheyl,
You’ve reminded me about how I’d thought regarding Petie at one time. Never having drilled him about his marriages, I felt for quite awhile, “Why can’t he love me enough the make me #4. Fortunately, now I know longer have that desire. We’re fine just like this, especially since it casually came up in convo recently that the last two wives asked him to marry them. Whatever. I know I won’t be making any such requests. Things are very comfortable now and I don’t need to fix what ain’t broken.
Micheyl,
So glad for you that you’re maintaining. You’re another year older and you won’t be wasting anymore of your valuable time. Wishing you a belated Happy Birthday. You should have told us like I did. It was nice to see 20 happy bday wishes. Next year, OK?
Thanks Tink. I have been so crazy busy lately, I haven’t even had time to keep up online. Up in the mountains with my girls for a night of R&R. Gonna sit in bed and watch a movie with them. So nice to relax. It seems to be a rare thing nowadays. <3
APN
Keep up the good work! This dude sounds like he is a waste of perfectly good oxygen.
Have I been replaced by ex-EUM? ? Thank you Nat …great post.
I met my ex-EUM (yes I know I shouldn’t have but I did) about 2 months ago (following 7 mths of NC). He initiated contact we exchanged lighthearted sms just very platonic stuff and decided to meet him. His mom was visiting at the time, so he asked me to come by say hello and meet his mum. (Don’t ask me why..he wanted to intro., I didn’t bother looking into that). He spoke about what he has been up to and was very how should I say courteous. He shared some personal info which I didn’t want him to elaborate as i felt it was all very awkward…for me at least. The last time I saw him was when we ended the affair. I think halfway down the line I felt as if he thought hmm this is not a good idea. That meeting in my mind ended abruptly and neither contacted each other.
Anyway abt 1 month or so after that, I started contact via text. He was just very friendly, complimentary and sweet. I told him that I was surprised coz I didn’t feel them when we met last time…yada yada yada… so we met again. We went out for dinner and we both had a v nice time. At this point I told him I was glad we could do this again…enjoy each others coy. He felt the same ask when we can meet next and to make time for him. So we met again very soon after. We were alone and we just chatted. At no point during the last meeting, did he try anything on me. Even to kiss me. Before we couldn’t look each other in the eye long enough before something happens. Now he was just there… listening to me and me to him. When we parted we gave each other a hug. ?
When I ended it earlier this year…I said I wanted to continue seeing him but just as a friend to hang out with. He told me no its not possible at the time and maybe one day we can just be friends.
Here lies my conundrum… it seems than we can be just friends now, and that’s a nice feeling, so why don’t I feel that great about it? ? I know its just my ego ( ok ok …I am trying to let go) instead I am wondering does he have someone to replace me? Is she better? Does he not want me in that way anymore? These are my thoughts …. I have decided I am not going to act on this…I am just going to let things flow. And as much as I enjoyed time hanging out as ‘friends’, I think there is still some residual feelings on my part, I don’t know about his and it will be hard if I see him as often as we used to. So I will limit that.
You know this probably is the best outcome for us and i am not gonna spoil it ? Perhaps he has been reading BR too…
Koko,
You still love him. You still care because you’re worried that you’ve been replaced. Yes, your ego is bruised. But do YOU think you can keep it platonic? It may not be in your best interests to try and remain friends if you have any reservations about what that means.
hi tinkerbell
the problem is feelings … I can’t control how i feel right? i know i won’t act on those feelings first but for example i don’t think i can be genuinely happy for him just yet if suddenly he starts telling me about his relationships etc like i would with a platonic friend. it will still hurt…so i am not going to make any effort on this friendship.
Hey Koko
You reply tells me you still do wonder about him more than platonically.You wonder why and how you didn’t end up kissing, and wondering who has replaced you. Its almost like you are waiting for something to happen. Or there is an anticipation, maybe even dread. If he turned around and decided to kiss you, could you say no? From the sound of it, this sounds like that ambiguity which can be disappointing, but at the same time hopeful.
To go with the flow at this point is tricky. I read on baggage reclaim Pintrest a great quote – Only dead fish go with the flow.
It would be wiser to recognise that this is the moment to resist temptation to abandon NC, and to jump back on the wagon. Because you are not over him yet! He still has an effect on you. Stay away!
hey doormat
you are spot on when you say about waiting for something to happen… anticipation, hopefulness, dread, disappointment etc. that was how i felt. why do i want to go down that road right again?
it is tricky and i think now …it can be more ambiguous than before 🙂 i am not ready … and though i feel a lot better if it goes on at the frequency and intensity think i could easily go back to square one in no time. sad but true 🙁
i am jumping back on the wagon. thank you all.
Wow. Exactly what I needed to hear. So on the money.
I nearly tatted and perforated myself to be like my ex’s ex. To be the type my ex preferred.
The funny thing is I hated my ex’s stupid nose ring and his badly done tattoos. Hated them, yet I was near willing to try and conform to his definition of beauty? Bullshit. Everyday I when I undress and look at my pristine skin, I smile.
I do believe although I don’t have proof that he was slowly detaching emotionally and started seeing with someone else before I had no other option to break up with him. It happened quickly my head is still spinning 6 weeks later. I am questioning that what to do for his birthday. I seriously need help with this! A few days after I broke up with (about 6 weeks now) him was my birthday (beginning of October) He sent a text and a card birthday wishes to me (both the card and text were not anything that one would expect after spending two years with someone-kind of sensed this was obligatory). I broke no contact 10/29 asking for my belongings he said he’d check which I know my belongings were there so that was a crock..I don’t know why he’d say that. Then on 11/10 I called and texted for him to call me as I would be in area and wanted to get my belongings. He NEVER responded. He’s only reached out at my birthday but that could be because I never responded to his Happy Birthday wish to me or the fact that he told me he didn’t have time for a relationship….AGAIN. I find it very sad that after 2 years with someone I wouldn’t email him a Happy Birthday but I do not want to appear chasing or desperate as he may be seeing someone as I believe he was our last few months. No proof however. Bottom, line how do I handle his birthday since he did acknowledge mine although weakly. Any help is appreciated. Thanks so much. Lisa
Lisa- You broke up. You don’t need to contact him for his birthday.
Lisa,
Come on, now. Haven’t you had enough of this dude? Why are you thinking about emailing or acknowledging in any way his bday? You NC’d him, broke it to ask for your clothes, and now you’re finding excuses to contact again. WHY? You need to examine this and check it. Didn’t he tell you he’s not interested in a relationship? What a bday card supposed to do? Work magic? Make him want you? You would be chasing and looking desperate. No doubt. DON’T.
Lisa,
Agree with Tinker.
Girl, why are you even considering this: he cheated on you and hasn’t returned your stuff. End of!
Let this go!!!!!!!
Agree with Rosie, you do not owe him anything now, no birthday wish included. You have broken up so leave it there, no looking back….
And buy yourself some new belongings, it is clear from his non-response that you seem to be fishing and he is not giving you the time of day. People like him are a dime a dozen, run of the mill so steer clear and let him ‘enjoy’ his current fling (your gut is damn well proof enough). Warm smiles your way 🙂
gyserboy, thank you! I so needed to hear what you said, hes not giving me the time of day. I have guilt because if I would have responded with a thank you to his text and card for my birthday 10/9 maybe he would be pursuing us. My sister says “No”! If he wanted this relationship that wouldn’t stop him. She also said that if he has had another girl it is not the relationship I am idealizing it to be…him being loving, demonstrative of feelings and respectful, fair etc. She said most women would have thrown him to the curb as soon as they were aware of his selfishness. So her words coupled with the support of you and the others on this site I can say “NO” I will not wish him a Happy Birthday.-Lisa
That is good news Lisa and you have such loving (and wise support)from your sister and us here at BR 🙂 Please no self-guilt ok and plus the birthday wish you received lacked much effort (weak and obligatory considering the two years you had) so return the favour by giving no effort as pretty much it is you now not giving him the time of day 🙂 Your sister sounds terrific, oh and Natalie plus all of us here at BR that do sincerely care, so keep talking things out in order to make sense and give you much clarity as to the new direction you will be pursuing instead MINUS the ex. It hurts still but hang in there ok. Much peace 🙂
Lisa,
From my own experoence: not sending him a birthday card/mail/txt on his birthday 2nd October, empowered me immensely! Now I know that if I contacted him in any way on that day, I would have been very wobbly now. Simply bcs it would have mattered how he responded. This way, I responded, I made my stand, I said to him and myself: I want a better relationship and a better life, find someone else to wish you a happy birthday and so will I.
It is very important for you to be NC now for a couple of months at least. In a couple of months you probably won’t be asking yourself questions and be confused what to do/say/how to word it. You will be calm and dignified and that is the time to make a decision how to act. You really really need to be NC and not to start any other relationships.
Trust me, you will feel so happy and balanced and strangely powerful. I wish you luck. I hurted for such a long time and now life is just wonderful.I was in an unhappy relationship, EUM like you wouldn’t believe, stayed with crap for 3 and a half years out of 4, broke up, grieved massively for about 4 months bcs he didn’t give a hoot, but moved on to a next one. But I am so free now, one year after the split and 8 months after he found a new one. I still read BR bcs I am in a new relationship now and want to stay mindful of my own weakness. Honestly, there is life after your AC! Don’t wish him a happy birthday! Put a lid on it. Turn the page. Liberate yourself. Do not initiate, do not respond.
Milica,
So happy for you. Many of us have been through the pain of having to NC an AC/ EUM. Staying away, in full force, is one of the hardest things we will ever do. But the sense of peace and freedom is priceless. Good luck.
Milica, Rosie & Tinkerbell, Thank you for your words of wisdom and support. I have okay and bad days and am just waiting for a good day. A day where I am not in my mind thinking he is now an ideal and considerate partner to someone new-that he completely changed. I feel rejected and tossed aside. I am finding it difficult to believe this was the man I bonded with and loved so deeply. That he would just walk when I broached the subject of his commitment to us. When he said he didn’t have time for a relationship or the kind that i wanted (crock) and that he wanted more casual after 2 years I left and initiated NC. Then he sent me the birthday card and text and I did not respond. Since my birthday I asked for my belongings he said he’d check I followed up and then and never ever responded back to me. So now for his birthday and I feel terrible that I cannot acknowledge after all the time we shared but how can I. I can’t. I hope that soon I will get over the rejection. Thank you again, Lisa
Call me petty, but I’m the type that if you don’t acknowledge my birthday, then I don’t acknowledge yours. It’s that simple.
Sanntay, he did acknowledge mine and that is why I am vacillating back and forth if I should acknowledge his birthday 12/2. Mine was 10/9. We are nearing 2 months of NC and he has not returned my call to obtain my belongings so I am thinking I should let it go.
Lisa, I went NC last Dec. (still have to be in the same room with him once a week, but avoid him). He not only wished me a “happy birthday” a week after the fact, but also a “happy half birthday” six months later. My only reply was a startled. “thanks” both times.
But starting in April I was thinking hard about what to do when it was his birthday (in Sept!). It was on the day that we are always in the same room.
If after 10 months I initiated that acknowledgement to him it was only to gain a response from him. But I agonized over what should I do, because a lot of me wanted it to be a let bygones be bygones I’ve moved on, but the other part was that he knows I am very much aware of his birthday. Fortunately NML had a post in the summer about not breaking contact to acknowledge an anniversary, birthday, Valentine’s Day… how about International Assclown Day? I decided to NOT pay any attention to him, avoid eye contact, not utter a peep, keep silent which would so loudly announce “I know it’s your birthday, and you know I know it’s your birthday, but you don’t deserve any attention from me”. It was the hardest part of not breaking NC, but I did it, and am so glad.He knows you’ll know it’s his birthday.You don’t have to say a word.
Simple Pleasures, thank you for your reply. I just noticed it. I wake up in the AM and through out the night with a sick pain in my heart. I do not know if this will EVER go away. Why after the way in which he treated me-forced me to break up offering me his crumbs after 2 years (I am assuming he has had someone else long distance that he met at work) I feel the need to show him respect on his day. Why I feel like I should say happy birthday is out of respect for the time we spent and maybe to act like it doesn’t bother me that he rejected me. Everyone on this website, family and a few close friends say not to. I had one person tell me, be the bigger person and wish him a Happy Birthday. It is nearing and I am vacillating. He has yet to contact me about my belongings. I wish I truly would get to a point where I would BELIEVE he is done and not care anymore.
Lisa, you don’t have to be the bigger person. All you have to do is be your own person.
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/dealing-with-happy-birthdays-and-big-occasions-to-send-a-card-or-text-or-not-to-send/
Lisa,
I do not know if his birthday has been and gone but I found the article for you to read.
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/dealing-with-happy-birthdays-and-big-occasions-to-send-a-card-or-text-or-not-to-send/
you can copy and paste the link.
Agonising over the decision tells me you are still invested in him and it will be just a boost to his ego and setting yourself to be a ‘fallback girl’
Tulipa, Teddie & Sally-Stress-Head, Thank you. I will read Natalie’s article-thank you for locating that for me. Lisa
Lisa,
Birthday wishes are not about respect, you’re looking for excuses. Girl, enough about not getting back to you on the belongings and birthday! C’mon, this guy did not treat you well, do not disrespect you, by sending a message. Doesn’t make sense!
How embarrassed would you feel if he didn’t respond, or if he came back temporarily and used you for a booty call? I am coming on hard, but it is coming from a good place.
Ask yourself, would you send a birthday wish to an ex friend?
Allison, thank you. Reason I am vacillating about his birthday because he sent me a card and text on mine last month. I know what you are saying if he doesn’t reply I will be crushed.
Lisa,
Hon, it doesn’t matter what he sent. All you need to remember is how he treated you, and didn’t give the simple courtesy od responding, re. your things.
You are getting yourself nuts over someone who disrespected you.
It’s only a b-day!!!!!
Lisa you have to get to the point where you would BELIEVE
YOU are done and not care anymore. If you initiate contact (break no contact)to say, “I respect”
the time we spent and to “act like it doesn’t bother me he rejected me.’ Is a mental game. It does bother you, it has bothered all of us. There is no respect for another person in any of this. Him to you and vice versa. Silence is golden, speaks volumes. Don’t appeal to his ego to feed your sorrow. I KNOW.Advice to you don’t do it. Come back Dec 3 and say “I am feeling so much stronger now”.
.
.
WISHED MYSELF A HAPPY you’ve moved on day”. Oh, please. I know how hard it will be, but you’ll feel better. You will be one year older and WISER.
This is spot on – I’m a guy who has been reading this site on an off for a while during my recent breakup. I realise that my ex GF is MAHOOSIVELY avoidant and this has been causing me no end of aggro. We split up, spent some time apart, had some sort of very brief reconciliation, after which she tells me she is now having a FWB arrangements with some guy she was having booty calls with BEFORE we got together (we were together 6 years), this plus she tells me that she has reconciled with her childhood sweetheart who lives in the US, whilst he was on a brief trip to the UK – so to summarise, she is in love with Mr USA, is shagging the ex booty call, shags me before telling me any of this and is now basically telling me to just do one out of her life altogether. The woman is clearly deranged, and I clearly need to sew back on the balls of mine that she cut off time and time again. I could kick myself in them if I had any. Blimey
Danny- Believe it or not, you didn’t have your balls cut off; they’ve just been pruned and will grow even bigger through this experience. Sometimes our worst “enemies” are our greatest benefactors.
Danny,
Your situation is not funny but you are.
Rosie,
Yup. I couldn’t have said it better.
thanks for your kind words ladies – this has been the most emotionally traumatic experience I have had in relationships. Dealing with the emotions of frustration and disappointment, the realisation that the woman I thought I would marry has basically revealed herself to be completely emotionally unavailable and can compartmentalize so easily has been, and continues to be very hard for me. Still onwards and upwards I suppose, although I must confess I am still very much in the depths of depression. In a fit of pique last week I blurted out down the phone that I was all in, I would marry her, do the whole bit – unsurprisingly I have had no response, no contact and I think this is probably the kindest thing she could have done for me. It will take me a long time to trust love, and my own emotions again
Holy shit, Danny. This chick sounds like Grand Central Station! All she needs is a ticket counter for all of the men she’s servicing!
You got away, my friend. Balls intact. Get on your knees and give thanks to God.
I did think that maybe she needed to get a revolving door fitted to her bedroom, but you know despite everything I find it hard to be damning of her, I can’t get angry and I certainly cannot hate her, which is perhaps my weakness – those emotions don’t exist in me for anyone, let alone her and it can be my undoing – I give the benefit of the doubt over and over again and it only ever kicks me in the teeth
Danny- I’ve heard it said, “Resentment is like drinking poison while hoping the other person will die.” You are prolonging your life by not hating anybody. The problem is knowing when we’re giving the benefit of the doubt and dismissing the obvious. Maybe your weakness isn’t giving the benefit of the doubt but not knowing the difference?
You can value a person and still say no to a bad idea and bad treatment. Just as she did you a kindness by not returning your phone call, saying “no” is a kindness to the wrong-doer. Believe it or not, it’s an act of respect for yourself and for that person.
Danny,
Good riddance!!!!!
Lisa
You ignore his birthday not to play games but because he doesn’t deserve it and you are broken up . Guranteed he will think great she still likes me and boost his ego.
Natalie has a good article on this it would be worthwhile to search for it.
I always made the mistake of reaching out on his birthday often I would just get a thanks in response I had a hidden agenda I wanted him back I always went through a major downer once I didn’t get the response I wanted. This year I didn’t say anything I maintained d nocontact and I felt 1000 x better for doing so.
Question yourself as to why you want to wish a cheating ex boyfriend happy birthday be honest with yourself and ask what will cost you if he doesn’t respond how you want him to.
With regards to your belongings if you really need them give a list of stuff to a trusted friend or family member get them to collect them for you or he may move quickly if you mention legal action.
Shur the door on him trust me he isn’t worth it.
Thank you Tulipa, I wish I would stop feeling like the reject, the pain and that there is something wrong with me. My imagination has me thinking he is no longer moody, is considerate and the perfect partner to someone else! I hope he tries someday to reach out to me and I can ignore the CR out of him as he did to me. Thanks again, Lisa
So true!
I really wish i had read this 5 years ago, but its great to see it now.Its like all the things you know, but had somehow managed to forget right there in print.
Thanks x
I know I was replaced and to be honest I do not care anymore, fu@k them…I just don’t know where to find positive vibes and start dating again… how to trust men?! I am SO DISAPPOINTED of them that I can’t bear to meet anyone…for now every single man is AC;(
Little Star,
Honey, your words don’t speak kindly to your dreams. You have so much in store for the future, and you have so much you can achieve!
You’ll know you have completely moved on when you start to believe in love again and it WILL happen!
Little Star- If I remember right, you met AC #2 after you worked hard on yourself and was in a good place, correct? I think that’s what’s so hard to get over and makes us “once bitten twice shy” about men and dating. We do the work, are in a good place but soon discover that not much has changed at all–we’re still only having chemistry with bad men. 🙁
I’m discouraged too, am deeply disappointed in the single men out there. But, then, I remember what kookie said on another post–we’re pessimistic about our prospects but are rather short-sighted in that we don’t know who’s all in the world but then we’re overly optimistic about the ones who haven’t earned it. I’m trying to see farther and wider but it’s hard, really, really hard.
Right now I don’t care as I still need a job. Oh, I so don’t want to end up an old bag lady! 🙁
Little,
Not a healthy attitude to be carrying around. This is how you get yourself into trouble.
When you are happy, discerning and trusting, you will attract the same.
There are good men out there!
Another great post. Natalie, I only found this site a couple weeks ago, but already you have given me so much insight into my own situation. You’re firm without being judgmental and you really dig deep into the root causes of why we do this to ourselves. I’ve tried to (feebly) implement a few small things I’ve read here and while I’m still struggling and sad, I feel like now I have a way out. It’s like grabbing onto an abandoned boat when you’re drowning… you know you’re still in danger and it’s going to take a lot of work to get clear, but finally you have a way to save yourself. It’s a sense of relief.
I took a stand yesterday, no contact since, and am trying to be brave enough to go for full NC. It’s so hard and it hurts, but I see too much of my relationship in these posts and I know it’s bad for me and has to end. I appreciate the posts and comments on here because they’ve helped me figure that out– something I should have figured out a long time ago.
Amie, I can’t stress enough the importance of going full NC straight away.
I was half-hearted NC for over a year and it was just a waste of my life.
I didn’t put my soul into it and as a reason, I never felt any better. Now I’, trying again, and this time I am going all for it!
Sandy,
The funny thing was I believe he did the same thing to her and thought he was going to come back to me after leaving me to be with her! The only problem was I was no longer his back-up girl, so basically he went right back where he came from. I had moved on and he couldn’t stand it and for once I had my power back! So I say he didn’t choose anybody over me, he chose them in spite of me!
“We feel replaceable instead of realising that the person is clearly avoidant.”
A big AHA moment reading this, its not us, its THEM.
This is off subject but I once cut my hair short because assclown said he didn’t like long hair on “more mature” women, funnily enough he didn’t even notice my new do and it didn’t make him love me or change one damn thing.
I couldn’t please the un-pleasable assclown no matter what I did or said.
My hair is back to the length I like, I wear clothes I like, associate with people I like and do things I like.
Noquay is thinking of having a harem, what an interesting idea. Not as silly as it sounds as no one guy is capable of being all things. Why not!
Little Star,
I understand your feelings. Just concentrate on yourself and being the best you can be. Eventually, you will be ready to converse with a man and having some sense of hope. Never lose hope. xx Tink.
Thank you Tink, sorry for being like this, but maybe because Christmas/New Year is coming and being ambitious person like me does not help…I have everything, of course, man is not my first priority, but one year passed and nothing had changed;( and somehow it’s make me sad. Sometimes, I am jealous of other people, it’s so easy for them, but for me it’s so hard, 6 years passed(!!!) and met one AC after another…maybe I should have cat or dog instead;) and forget about men altogether?!
Little Star,
It’s gets better. Believe me when I tell when you leave a EUM/assclown you do feel like every man after that is a carbon copies of each other. But you know what I did, I stop worrying about have a man! I lived my life and accepted that I might live the rest of my life without a man and I was okay with that! As long as I was happy that’s all that mattered. Then all of sudden I met my then boyfriend (now husband). But the key was I was happy and healthy before I met him, so he didn’t make me happy, he added happiness into my life. Cheer up! Happy Thanksgiving!
Stephanie,
That has been my haha moment in the last couple of weeks, I just stopped thinking that I needed a man to complete me and for the first time in months I have felt relaxed and at peace with myself…it’s a nice feeling I must admit 🙂
Stephanie, thank you for your comment, I am so glad that you have someone special in your life;) I need to stop comparing myself with other people and concentate on my inner self….
I started to see a relationship coach recently and one of the things we talked about was comparing yourself with others although it can serve as a motivator but like all things if abused because an obstacle and the technique to overcoming it is simple ask yourself ,do you know the full story? Most times you dont and it really isnt up to you to find the answer… Nothing or no one is perfect and so u dont if that person you think is the very definition of perfection is really sad and lonely and this is not to put everyone down but to highlight that assumptions can lead down a nasty path.
I am slowly learningand applying it whenever those thoughts come to my mind. You want a good and healthy relationship got to get your mind right dear 🙂 hope this helps !
Stephanie,
It’s nice that after your mental/emotional overhaul and renewal you were able to meet a good man and get married. A friend of mine recently got married. We don’t talk much and I didn’t even know about it. I knew she’d had a long history of dealing with bozos. Well, guess what? She told me she was tired of being single and married a young man of 24, when she is at least twice that. I don’t think, in fact I know I wouldn’t go that far. Jeez!
Tinkerbell,
I feel like I was reborn! Not because of him, but because once I got real with myself, I could open myself to someone and the leave the emotional baggage behind. The assclown relationship was a defining one and I never forget it, but I also refuse to deprive my husband of my love because he truly DESERVED it unlike assclown. It’s funny because until you meet someone who treats you with love, respect and caring you almost wonder how did you accept the crap from EUM/assclown? Funny how life works out.
Little Star,
I’m going to see about adopting a little dog this Saturday. They’re allowed at my apartment complex. I’m really tired of being alone. I think when you spend a significant amount of time alone, even if you have friends, you think too much, and oftentimes have a distorted view of reality. Of course, I have to walk the dog 3 times/day. But they give UNCONDITIONAL love.
I love you Tink, I wish you was living in London, so we could walk your dog together;) All the best with your dog, maybe I will follow you and have a little fluffy friend!
Aw, Little Star.
You are so sweet. You and Lily are two absolute darlings. One of my best friends is a former Londoner and it well. Maybe, I’ll get there some day.
Tink,
Good for you! Pound puppies are great! You will help and love each other 🙂
Delighted to hear you’re getting a dog and good on you for choosing to adopt!! 😀
I can never completely regret my marriage to the arseface because it brought my two darling boy dogs into my life.
They have helped my healing and moving on and getting healthy in so many ways.
I wish you the same joy and blessings I find with my furry companions.:-D
Aww, that’s great Tink. I would probably adopt a furry friend too if I wasn’t allergic, but I’m sure there are hypo- allergenic dogs in need of a home, too, so maybe I’m not ready for that responsibility. But I am definitely tired of being alone.
Little Star: I second your emotion. As I approach another lonely holiday season, I’m reminded of the prayer I’ve sent up the past 4 years, in which I ask God to guide my life so that I won’t have to spend the holidays alone next year. While I do believe that prayers are answered, I guess it’s just not my time yet. But I still have faith! 🙂
Another great post keeps me in NC now 11months and the feelin of peace is one I would never swap! Valuing your uniqness is a beautiful thing we all need to do. Danny no one can take your balls away unless you give them away;-) let her go, find someone who values you and yes your balls too!
There is nothing like having that peace when you feel like you got your life back from all the emotional turmoil these aholes cause! That’s why I don’t understand how these men think that we would trade in our peace to jump back into the fire with them! The realy think they are worth you sacrificing you sanity for.
Stephanie,
You’ve expressed my thoughts to the letter.
Stephanie
I agree with Tink, very well said.
Stephanie – You are 100% correct. I am a few days from a year NC with the ex at work AC. I spent the majority of it seething with anger and resentment until the work picnic in Aug and I realized that he had taken my place in the crowd (I opened him up to that the year before)having a great time drinking and laughing while I was so wound up, excluding myself, and feeling so crazed that I left after 5 min. I knew then that my anger and obsessing was hurting only me and that I better get over it ASAP. I reread fall back girl and calmly grew the f up – I got a grip of my emotions and made piece with him (in my mind). He could tell the difference right away and he has started to toss crumbs. So far he has followed every pattern that Natalie describes in her books. She has saved my life with her books! Anyway (sorry that I am ranting) he wants to reset and I see that and it doesn’t matter. I may have initial feelings to do what I have done in the past, but that passes quickly and I do the right thing which is behave like the lovely lady that I have grown to be and just move on looking cool as a cucumber on the outside. Every time I do the right thing by me I grow stronger and his power fades. This time last year I was a complete mess and if it were up to him, I would still be the same today.
Natalie’s books and blog have saved my life. True store!
True story 🙂
Having support and understanding makes the healing process so much easier. Like Natalie said, these guys are a blessing in disguise because they not only teach us what we don’t want, but it also teaches us about how strong we are and how much power we have. Good Luck Ladies on your journey to peace and love.
My assclown waited over a year to contact me after I went no contact to tell me he was getting married. Then had the nerve to ask to meet me! If it wasn’t so pathetic it would be laughable. Not only did he not get the reaction he expected (I said congratulations, but he didn’t get the meeting he was pining for. I would be lying if I said it didn’t feel good to reject him yet again, but Oh well. Jerk LOL
SITBP
At work AC’s are hard to deal with since one cannot totally be rid of them without quitting and/or moving to a different town. I too still have lots of rage at times, mainly because he doesn’t have to answer for his actions: he gets to live (supposedly) happily ever after with yet another woman,after destroying three others, avoids being fired for not doing his job for nearly two years, while I have always worked hard, go out of my way not to hurt anyone, do a lot to help others yet stay alone and am unable to find anyone even remotely suitable. Apart from avoiding public events where he and latest conquest are likely to attend, (I have been told that others in attendance ask him why I am not there)I have dealt with the situation in a more subtle way. After being humiliated at an event where he showed up with Other Woman, he made sure that I and the colleague that witnessed the situation were excluded from a new program we were involved in. I have since taken the program back and also run the committee associated with it. The social gatherings that we attended are no longer; I now host my own gatherings, which are very popular, where he is excluded. We worked together on a multi million dollar project; I have taken that over too. This dude is a diagnosed narc, so being left out of anything, especially noteworthy stuff, is a big issue. Whoopsie, actions have consequences. Yep, the pain of having to deal someone at work that mistreated you really hurts, but there are ways of getting even that also do some good at the same time.
Pauline
Ironically, my hair is down past my a$$ and men and women too, love it. Men get to have harems all the time, why not us? However, each member of my harem would know about the others and it would be strictly no sex as I want them to help with house projects, discuss books, rant about environmental issues, but I am not physically attracted to any of them nor are they emotionally available anyway (two unhappily marrieds, one down and outer, disabled but with really good carpenter skills, and one wounded bird). They would get lots of top notch conversation and really good tips on high altitude organic farming and animal care. I do truly enjoy good male company. The dudes could also be a sort of protective shield against the local creepazoids who hit on all and sundry women here. Am trying to get one of them banned from our campus as we write.
I had a friend who had what she called her “11 gay husbands.”
She had no romantic relationship on the go but she always had someone to help with house projects, dinner parties, etc
Noquay,
Love your ideas. Like you say, they do it, why not us? We would undoubtedly be more successful because we’re so much smarter. Sorry, Danny et al. LOL!
Tracy
I wish I had options other than on line or when folks come here to train in the summer. The blasted holidays are a real problem for me. Glad from the break but really feel lonely and kinda ripped off by life. Was at a film event last week and a local who has been charged with domestic violence TWICE was there with a girlfriend. Mr. Batterer can find someone but ol Noquay cannot. These dodgy dudes are really smiled upon by the Universe. However, I refuse to be something other than what I am, nor will I settle for someone I feel nothing for or is chock full of red flags. This story just does not have a happy ending, eh?
Noquay,
Absolutely no reason for you to even think of taking on any of these dodgy dudes. Any guy who hits women has some serious issues and should be avoided like the plague, jail is the best place for them in my opinion.
It’s when we start dropping our standards, boundaries and values that we get caught up with assclowns, EU’s, momma’s boys, weirdo’s, married men and fill in the rest of the list.
As for having sex with any of these guys, none of them have done ANYTHING that even remotely says they have any sort of love, respect, care and trust for you, so why should you (or any of us) let them even touch your shoes.
I would dearly love to have a great guy in my life but not at the expense of my self esteem and values.
At the end of the day, I might be lonely because I don’t have a good partner to share my life with but I’m not being disrespected, used and abused, criticised, lied to and cheated on. Right now that is more important to me than anything else.
In a weird kinda way, I’m glad the assclown came into my life as he taught me a very valuable lesson, that I need to love, trust and respect myself FIRST and stick with my values and boundaries.
Not to confuse sex with love no matter how much ‘chemistry’ is blowing my socks off. We women are emotional creatures sigh!
Noquay-I feel like you when I think of my ex-husband. Since he moved out, seven years ago, he had a three year LTR, and got remarried about two years ago to someone else. In the meantime, I have had one AC after another, the longest relationship was 1 1/2 years, he was the Supreme Emperor of AC’s, and the other ‘relationshits’ all spontaneously combusted at the 3-4 month mark.
But I think about the person my ex has become…first, he morphed into totally new personalities with each woman. Second, the woman he is married to now is the dumbest piece of white trash I have ever seen. The man I had married was pro-gay, pro-gun control, had acquaintances of all races, was a die-hard Democrat, and an atheist. The man he is today is a racist, anti-gay, gun loving ‘Christian’. And this change is just in the last three years!
So while you might feel bad if your AC has moved on and you’re still alone, think about the dynamic that is going on in his house. It might be worse than you think. As far as I am concerned, my ex’s new wife can have him. I almost feel sorry for her because once she has served whatever purpose she has for him, he will dump her and find some other woman to glom on to.
Update, BR friends: today was the first day of the two-day interview process for the big job. Gave a 50-minute presentation of my work in what we call “the job talk.” It went absolutely as well as I could have hoped (even though I started getting really nervous 48 hours before and lost a lot of sleep). Lots of people came out first thing in the morning to listen – I felt very supported. The questions were hard, which was good, because they got to see me think on my feet.
I thought of all you BR ladies at the meet-the-department luncheon afterward: when folks said I did well, I said “Thanks!” – there was a time when my response would have been, really, you think so? I’ve worked hard to get to this point, not just professionally but emotionally, and BR’s a big part of that. I’m going to enjoy every minute of even just being shortlisted.
noquay, and then I think about being in this small town … but it’s not time for that …
Tomorrow am is the interview proper, in the aft I’ll teach a demonstration class, and in the pm I’ll go to dinner with a few of the people interviewing me.
Here’s hoping tomorrow goes well. Then we wait as they interview 3 other candidates from across the country. If I don’t get the job now, I’m at least at peace with what I put out there. I’m happy with my performance and imagine the competition will do their best, too, and we’ll just have to see where the chips fall.
Magnolia- How awesome is this!!! Congratulations on a marvelous performance and for handling yourself with poise and confidence! 🙂 🙂 🙂
Congrats!
Well Done, Magnolia! (APPLAUSE)
Way to go, Mags! Show ’em how it’s done, mama.
Yes, that’s what I did in my relationships, audition for the role of best and final replacements for their horrible, no good psycho ect exes. No wonder I felt like a confused pretzel. Jeez. A quote from my 19 year old son from a chat we had yesterday. “I’m with my girlfriend because I’m happy with her. I wouldn’t take any crap behaviour. If we have disagreements we talk about things straight away and say what we need to, no point in holding in and then blowing up. ” How simple is that, just paying attention to how you feel yourself and how did he manage to have this attitude at 19 with me as an example? Maybe it just shows that some people want to have a good relationship and just do and others just don’t. ( Cant make sulk purse out if pigs ear, no matter how good the auditions) I know I don’t want a bad relationship so left, NC-ed, done huge amount if self work and
now I’m actively sabotaging myself in going further forward. As in not going out there and meeting people ect. And other self defeating tricks like not doing excersise , eating too much and basically making myself miserable. Honestly, I feel afraid to stick to slimming because I won’t have an excuse then and be able to have a reason to say to myself that I don’t deserve to have a relationship Stuck at this point. I think I don’t have enough faith in myself and wonder if I’ll ever feel good enough for a good relationship.you know how you get stuck in an old uncomfortable zone? I got myself into a new uncomfortable one. Or run out of steam. Help.
Sushi, just do the exercise for you. I couple of months ago, when I, too, ‘gave up’ trying to find someone, I thought, “What the hell, I’ll eat what I want, sit on the couch and watch TV!”. My horrible AC always commented on my weight, my ex husband always made an issue of it (he’s one of those stick-figure people who can’t gain weight if he ate a gallon of ice cream a day…bastard), and my last relationshit AC was always commenting on my body, which was at it’s best ever. But then after he dumped me I was petrified to gain weight because I thought that is what men seem to want, and even though I’ll be 50 in a few weeks, my weight, which is in the normal range, seems to be an issue for these ACs.
But after a few months of giving up and eating my way into oblivion, I realize I kind of feel like shit. So it’s back to exercise, mostly because I want to do it for ME. So don’t think of exercise and feeling good about doing it for THEM, but do it for YOU.
Thank you Tracy, you are absolutely right.I behave like I don`t care enough about me, so actually; why would other people if I can`t do it for me.I`m the last remaining EUM that I have to deal with and so not used to doing anything truly for me.Why on earth doing something good for me feels so foreign and such an uphill battle. You are so right, I ned to turn my way of thinking around. Thank you again.
sushi- Could it be a matter of trusting yourself to stick to it? A while ago Suki gave me some great advice on how to get my head focused more on how to problem-solve and less on “I’m screwed.”
I started following her advice, fell into discouragement and let my positive affirmations fall to the wayside. Without my being aware, my head is once again filled with negativity and “I’m screwed.” Yesterday I found my positive affirmation cards and upon reading them, I discovered how self-defeating my thinking has become. Just a simple, “I am___”, ” I can___”, “I will___” cards have helped me tremendously in re-learning how to trust myself to follow through with tasks.
Pauline
I do not ever confuse sex with love. Let someone else do the casual thing; I deserve better. AC and BR has really sharpened my Spidey senses. I do not lower standards under any circumstances though colleagues etc pressure me to do so big time. I know what does and does nor work for me. Again, I fully understand that this next seven years, till I can retire, is going to be a lonely time but then being stuck with someone I cannot force myself to be attracted to or respect is also a dead end. This town is a microcosm of the problems with the society now at large; selfishness in the name of “freedom”, drug use/abuse, no accountability for actions/behavior. I understand that I made the poor decisions I have made over the past decade (and fully own them) out of sorrow overa lost marriage, betrayal by a mentor that was supposed to support his grad students, poverty, often complete absence of a support network, breast cancer, fear, extreme loneliness, need for a secure home, ability to support my dad and support myself in my dotage. I was vulnerable which led me to respond to someone normally avoided like the plague; the at work AC. Loneliness and emotions do indeed cloud even a tough kick a$$ chicks judgement. However, I still rankle at the fact that AC, a serial cheater and narc, and a local convicted batterer get to spend the holidays with lived ones and silly little Noquay will be alone. I realize one should never expect anything in return for doing what’s good, what’s right but it is frustrating to understand that apart from living by ones own ethical standards, there’s little reward for trying to be a good person. As much as this makes me mucho stressed and angry, I am grateful that I can sit here in front of my fire, being heated by wood I hand cut myself, have a sturdy roof over my head, and can listen to my rooster (Curtis) greet the dawn. Lots of folks don’t have anything near this.
Hi Noquay, I always read your comments and they always make me maintain no contact! I know how you feel, I see my ex Husband (Major AC) and my ex boyfriend, yes another EUM and AC and they are with someone and sometimes I feel like why them and not me???? But then I smile and think of those poor poor unsuspecting women and thank the crap its not me!!!!! I then sit in my lovely flat with my peace of mind and think ahhhhh….I have come so far and have so many lovely family and friends around me and all I need is right here. And then I remember that my story hasnt ended that my journey is still in front of me and who knows where it will lead and who it will lead me too? xxx
Love this. “I have come so far and have so many lovely family and friends around me and all I need is right here. And then I remember that my story hasn’t ended that my journey is still in front of me and who knows where it will lead and who it will lead me too.” Amen and well stated!
I came a long way. When I think about the day’s and nights I was so sad and depressed it’s almost indescribable. But once I stop feeling sorry for myself and got real, I started to live my again. I wanted to be the funny, happy, lovable Stephanie again and not the angry, pissed off Stephanie.
You know what I just cleaned house. I got rid of my negative emotions, went N/C with assclown and focused on me. I didn’t really date or have sex for about year so I could focus on getting healthy. I undid years of damage in 2 months! I was impressed with myself! LOL So when assclown came snooping around trying to bust my boundaries I was so different I think it scared him. I wasn’t angry or mad at him just indifferent. That’s when I truly knew I was over it. Unfortunately, he just ramped up it b.s. and I wasn’t going to fall for the banana in the tailpipe again! Great feeling.
Magnolia
Your post was the last one I read before I went to sleep last night with a smile on my face. You go girl!!!! We are all rooting for you.
I am dreading being replaced as I think I will be pretty quickly based on my ex’s past impulsive behaviour and his dependency needs. And I know there are lots of Florence’s around of my age who are only too eager to be emotional airbags. I know it won’t mean anything except what it means about my ex being and demonstrating what he is but still it is going to be another step in my pain trajectory and recovery from the trauma of having wasted so much time on a man who could not give me the basics in terms of what I deserved and wanted but still made me work so hard in the relationship.It makes me want to puke actually.
It will be an in my face reflection of how he has always coasted through life while others have done the real emotional and partnership work. He once told me that he could see that HIS trouble would be beating women off…he has a great sense of entitlement. I just know that in some part of me I need to be prepared for this. Perhaps when it happens I will really consider him to be inconsequential…trying to get there.
And more and more I do not want an intimate relationship myself and don’t know if this will change. I feel so deeply wounded and kind of needy and also not perhaps feeling I have the energy to put into somebody else – that has been such a draining thing for me in the past. All the talking, the working, the overfunctioning and explaining…not up to that at all. ANd of course I am not emotionally available right now myself and I am too focused on me and what I need to do. I even wonder if my judgement is good.
Noquay life just does suck sometimes and I feel for you but at the same time you are such a strong person with so many interests of real substance- how can you compromise what you live for with some jerk. You are a survivor in the very best sense of the word and I admire you. I wish things were easier for you though – for many of us.
Espresso
I am not compromising: If there is no one I feel I have any sort of connection with, no go. I will not compromise my values nor my lifestyle. No nemployed, outta shape, druggie deadbeats for ol Noquay. This the main reason I seriously consider bailing from society all together if things do not improve, relationship-wise, once I retire and leave. Have already given up the rest of my working years as a lost cause. I will not play the old spinster either. My proposed harem is guys that are in no way relationship material but willing and able to have intelligent conversations, which I really miss. Yep, I should get some that can fix stuff but thus far my skill with power tools,work ethic, and endurance seems to exceed that of most men here. Sigh.
Tracy
I agree, AC will just cheat on and overlap with someone else just like he overlapped her with the woman who he was hiding from me. My issue is because I do have standards, dignity, am aware of red flags, I am stuck alone and it’s really rubbed in at every social event I go to. If I avoid socialization, I get criticised for not attending, for going deep into the woods alone though I am a pretty good outdoors woman. Bad, abusive folks get someone to love them, folks who try and be decent are alone then criticised because they don’t wanna be alone. Absolute friggin no win situation. BTW, sounds like the thing your ex has morphed into would fit right in with the older men ’round here.
Hi Sushi. Wishing u All the best in luck and strength with making urself healthy. I’ve always loved exercise but when I found out my husband was having an affair I started being unkind to my lovely self, started smoking a lot & didn’t eat properly let exercise go. But now I’ve split with him. I get into my nice exercise clothes & kick &$@ it’s the best feeling. I love the music at aerobics type class. I get up super early N do a little yoga – my body feels strong, I feel sexy again & so much more healthy. Just do a little bit at a time & don’t think about it too much …just do it. I find once I do it……whatever it is u feel better. This also goes for kicking that tosser x hubby to the curb
I am having such a hard time :(. Throughout our 8 month relationship I was such a “help” to him as he struggled with non closure from his narcisstic ex. And I had experience with a narc so enlightened him that narcs don’t apologize and the way she treated him was not his fault. But she reappeared now and then with a nasty email or text. Bottom line she was still in his head. We are broken up now 5 weeks. He was starting counseling and for all I know going back to her. I know now he needs to resolve that relationship one way or another. But I am so torn up that as great as I was to/with him, and he experienced for prob the first time a woman loving him for him and treating him well, he breaks up with ME. How can I NOT take that as personal, that a nasty abusive narc is preferable to me?? And then it’s so easy to question what I could/should have done different. It is so hard. 5 weeks later and my heart just hurts so much and I have all these unanswered questions that I can’t resolve.
Mary- You aren’t being replaced as the ex-gf was there all along. You were the nicely fit band-aid and band-aids don’t take the place of wounds.
He isn’t a child; he’s an adult. Let him suffer the consequences of his own choices. Really, Mary, this is the best way to respect him and respect yourself.
Mary
they are both messed up so they suit each other. If you want to get messed up too, you can stick around to be part of some messed up love triangle, or you can cut your losses.
What you can learn from this is that highly visible exes can be very detrimental to a relationship even if they aren’t narcissists. Yes, exes can be friends. It’s exceptional and a lot of water has to pass under the bridge. I’m friendly with my first ex but our relationship ended nearly thirty years ago. He is a friend of the family, and I see him like a distant family member. That’s what a safe ex looks like. It’s not someone your boyfriend is in counselling for!
It IS personal that he broke up with you and hurt you. But it’s not personal in that it reflects on you as a person. People break up for all kinds of reasons. You don’t instantly think there is something wrong with them (or do you? If you do, you need to work on that).
He’s in for a year of counselling, depression, meds, make ups and break ups with the ex, stops and starts. Your happy relationship is not here.
Thanks Rosie and Grace, I know you are right I just keep needing reinforcement. Surprisingly, I am not tempted to contact him, I know there is no point. It’s just so very hard to wrap my head around how ignorant I must have been–believing I was helping him “close the door” with his ex by talking openly about him wanting closure. He seemed so genuinely honest about it not being about re-kindling them and seemed so happy with us. I guess there definately is part of me that feels if I were “better” somehow I’d be who he wants….damn, those memories of the good in the relationship are so hard to forget and not pine for 🙁
I was naive and living in a fantasy world because I thought I could be friends with my ex after the separation. I realized quite soon that if he had made me deeply unhappy in the relationship there was no way he was going to change now. In fact it was far far worse because I had no legitimacy in which to raise issues – I was “separated” now. This was akin to giving him a get of jail free card to ramp up all the issues we had and blank me even more aggressively if I raised a work issue for example. I wasn’t thinking straight and had a lot to learn about respecting myself. Right now I can’t even imagine wanting to be friends with him and can see that I certainly do not want to remain in a city where I might run into him and see his boundary busting face.
He ignores my boundaries ALL the time as he just wants to slide over into a new comfortable place with me in it for his own security and comfort and so he can bully me in subtle and not so subtle ways and force me to make decisions and it is unbearable.
I feel like every article on this website speaks to my exact situation.
I was dating a guy who just got out of a 4-year relationship. It had “rebound” written all over it, but I chose to ignore it. For a month I tried to replace his ex girlfriend, and I thought I was succeeding. He would go on about how much “better” than her I was, how much nicer, how he wasn’t going to ever go back to her, etc.
Then his ex texts him out of the blue, and it was all downhill from there. Thankfully I ended the relationship before he had the opportunity to end it for me. Surprise, surprise, he gets back with the ex a week later. Up until reading this article, I was still perpetuating the “replacement” mentality. My sister knows his ex and was telling me that she’s a nice girl earlier today, and I was all, “No, I don’t think so. And anyway, I’m better. He’ll come to realize it eventually!”
Now I realize how ridiculous I was being. I was still thinking of myself as someone who could play the role of his girlfriend better than the ex. At the end of the day, it isn’t about being “better.” I shouldn’t be focusing on trying to be “better” than any other woman in my guy’s life, it cheapens the things that DO make me a great girl. I’m going to bookmark this and try and get past being a replacement. I deserve more than that.
Lisa,
I’m wondering about the birthday card thing also. I’m new to this site and haven’t yet read the books, but think I’ve been involved with an EUM for the last 2.5 years. Actually, shortly after we met HE told me he was EU!
It’s a long, pathetic story but we didn’t meet for the first year and a half. I met him right before my birthday last year.
The first year while we were just talking by phone, he sent me roses on my birthday as well as a card, a FB post and phone call.
Last year, after we had just met (less than a week prior) and having been on 2 dates in that week…no flowers, an excuse about money, I did get two cards given to me earlier in the week on our first date and then on the day of I got a FB post, a text and a phone call.
This year, just a week and a half after things finally blew up and he told me there was no spark (although he was still sleeping with me until September), he still has unresolved feelings for his ex-wife (I always suspected this), there were no feelings beyond friendship (I never got the girlfriend title…was always a friend) and he finally quit his daily call to me of almost 2 years…I get a card signed by him and his two boys and a FB post.
I didn’t acknowledge the card for five days claiming that I hadn’t been to the post office. I still have not been back on FB so I didn’t acknowledge any FB birthday greetings. On the 5th day after my birthday, my guilt got to me and I sent him a text saying I had just gone to the post office, thank you and give the boys a hug for me. I felt like I was ignoring the boys in some way since he had them sign the card because I care about them. No response…
Then four days later on Thanksgiving, I get a morning text from him saying “Hope your birthday was great. Happy thanksgiving.” I waited about 8 hours to respond and said, “Thank you. Happy Thanksgiving to you and the boys.” Crickets…no response again.
Now his birthday is coming up in less than two weeks. I’m torn because on one hand he deserves nothing from me after the way he has treated me…yet, I feel guilty for not acknowledging his day. I don’t want to be the b*tch, the crazy one, the immature one. I know I’m not, but he has an unbelievable ability to turn things around in his mind and even remembers conversations incorrectly and will repeat them back to me wrong. Not surprising since he has substance abuse problems, emotional issues, a harem he can get validation from anytime he wants and a batsh*t crazy sister guiding him on his every thought.
I also think I’m still needing to keep the lines of communication open for validation.
How did your situation turn out?
Oh, I also meant to say that a week or so prior to the blow up…he asked when my birthday was (my daughter and I have very close birthdays).
He made a bit of a scene about guessing the date (guessing every date in a 10 day range before finally guessing the real date). He hadn’t had any problem in previous years and my birthday is on my FB page if he really was needing help remembering.
I was a little annoyed about it and said, “I know when your birthday is.” To which he replied, “I can’t help that!”
I can’t quite decide if he knows he’s an a**clown and the birthday wishes are due to guilt over his comment and the general way he has mistreated me this past year…or if it is some kind of game to keep the door open.
Noquay
Thank you gor your reply. I have been on holiday the past week and recieved an IM from at work AC at 3am with the word “Crazy. ” on our work account! He hasn’t written me privately since march. I had a feeling he would be trying to reset ever since I stopped displaying anger towards him. We had a very unstable, over the top, distructive relationship. We both did many outragious things to eachothet. So I am not surprised that he would think I am the same and would welcome crazy attention. Yuk to that now! He appears to not have changed at all. Sorry for him but I am totally different from this time last year. I am ashamed of the woman I was for the 3 plus years of madness with this AC. Today I am strong and I know how to behave like a lady who deserves respect and proper love. All credit goes to reading BR and all of Nats books. It was hard to break impulsive habits to keep the drama alive, but I have and look at me now. Getting better everyday.
Oh and I just ignored the IM. I mean really!!!
NaiveGirl,
I posted to you a “Welcome” on the next post. You have a lot to learn. Stay here and it will happen. But, like anything else, it will take time. Also you will get to know the different posters and have a better idea of who you’re seeking advice from. Even when you ask one person a question, you will get multiple answers from others. That’s just how it works here. But it helps to be able to make up your mind after receiving many different kinds of input. You, ultimately, are the one to decide what to do which is why the general point of this blog is improving your self esteem and increasing your love for YOU. This subsequently helps you make better decisions. Good luck, xx Tink.