‘Rejection’ within dating and relationships is widely treated like ‘auditioning’ for a part and then failing to get the role. Think about this for a moment: Treating dating like an audition means someone always holds the power from the outset. Your fate is in their hands. You have to interview, perform, demonstrate, convince. Handing over all of your power in dating is like telling the other party to kick back and relax because you’re going to make all of the key effort. Based on what? They’re not God, a higher power, or that special!
What kind of expertise or power are you granting people?
Which characteristics, qualities, and values do you assign to others that you can immediately (or very quickly) ascertain that you need to put on your costume?
That they go to church? Have been in the same job for a gazillion years or are just very good at their job? Have big breasts? Well hung? Beautiful? Super-intelligent? Ph.D in People Picking? Good with animals and children? Money and status? Chemistry? Common interests? Good sense of humour?
Not one of these are reasons to demote yourself and act like you’re auditioning for a relationship.
Now, you’d like to believe that people who have the power to decide someone’s fate get it right every time. Plenty of actors, authors, dancers, singers, job interviewees, successful entrepreneurs, sports stars and more, though, were rejected and thrived anyway. Many went on to be more successful than people who they were rejected for. Many of the remainder are still trying. The ‘experts’ don’t always get it right and do back the wrong horse. They often end up gritting their teeth or are even embarrassed at their failure to recognise a good opportunity.
Seeming authorities and experts get it wrong all. the. time.
Many of these folks believed in their own judgement at the time. Of course, this may have been prejudiced by their mood, ego, favouritism and other biases, or any number of other factor. None, though, have anything whatsoever to do with the fundamental talent, ability, or whatever, of the candidate. They didn’t have the vision, the patience, the creativity for it. Ultimately, they went with what they felt was the right decision at that time. And it was the right decision; they snoozed, they lost.
They may regret their actions. Some might reach out, by which time, the ‘passed-over candidates’ have hopefully moved on and found success elsewhere with someone who recognises their value. It’s similar in relationships.
What’s the difference between the person who experiences rejection in these circumstances but perseveres anyway, and the person who takes someone’s ‘judgement’ as ‘final’ or at least as an indictment of their abilities?
Belief. Self-belief; belief in their work, their product, service, talent, abilities, experience. etc., that it will happen one day.
They keep trying, knocking on doors; they, where appropriate, take on feedback (hopefully from a respected source). They build on their strengths, work on any weaknesses, continue to invest in themselves. And even when they waver or even have massive wobbles, they remember who they are and believe. They get back up.
This can be hard in dating. This is especially so if, like a salesperson who doesn’t qualify their ‘leads’ before they spend most of their time knocking on doors in a neighbourhood that’s the wrong target market for their product or service, you spend most of your time doorstepping in Unavailable Town or even Assclownville. It’s accentuated when you keep trying to convince that one or a few disinterested or half-interested parties who keep throwing up objections. Or you keep trying to convince that one person who keeps calling you back for a wildcard ‘audition’, only for them to turn you down or make deal-closing noises and then back out at the last moment.
When all is said and done, you both have to choose in a romantic relationship. It’s got to be a mutual relationship.
This means, if you insist on behaving like you’re auditioning, at least do it on their basis that they’re doing it too. You’re both auditioning for a co-piloted relationship. It’s a co-interview process where you need a recruiter mindset.
Hello (!!!), what do you think? What do you want? What do you need? It’s not all about them you know, especially when you don’t even know them to be handing over all of your power in the first place!
What about you? Aren’t you to be valued?
Stop waiting for someone to scoop you out of [a current life you don’t want] and make your life for you. Aside from the fact that it’s too much power and responsibility to give someone, if you took less of a passive role and weren’t afraid to be yourself and have boundaries, while you’d date less unavailable and shady folk, you’d be available for a mutually fulfilling available relationship and recognise one. You won’t be afraid to ask questions, to communicate, to have basic needs, to pick up the phone. You certainly won’t be abandoning your life so you can fit in with someone else’s agenda, often without being entirely sure of what it is or knowing full well that you’re not on board with it.
The irony in all of this is that if you stop auditioning, especially for people who you have no business elevating to expert judge status on a pedestal, you dramatically reduce the amount of ‘rejection’ in your dating life because whether they’re around for a hot minute, a few dates, or a relationship, you’re an equal and evaluating and choosing too.
When you stop auditioning for [romantic] judges, your self-esteem will rise.
You won’t think about things in terms of winning them over, which prevents you from morphing and adapting to win a prize that you don’t even know is a prize in the first place.
You’ll either both ‘get in’, or neither of you will. The point, you’ve either got to work together or go your own way. I’ve found in life that you have the people who want to try, those who want to make the initial movements and then dump the load on you while enjoying the glory and the fringe benefits, and folks who will ebb and flow, give and take, and work with you. Trust me when I say that you won’t see this when you’re too busy worrying about pleasing someone and being accepted, treating them like the sun rises and sets on them. They’re just not that special.
I should add, some of the people who didn’t know your value, or did, but thought that they could do better, will regret their decisions but expect that you’ve found better. Some will regret, hunt you down (likely with a lazy text or DM) and reel you in again, only to still have poor judgement. Hopefully, you’re not secretly looking back and waiting around.
You could spend your whole life auditioning the crap out of yourself for one person or variations of a type. Or you could know your own value and go where you’re wanted and can be equal. You won’t know where that is if you’re ‘auditioning’ and ‘convincing’.
Your thoughts?
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Hello! What do you think? What do you want? What do you need? It’s not all about them you know, especially when you don’t even know them to be handing over all of your power in the first place!
Amen!
Hmmm, yes ! Very well put as always! You’re dead right, nobody is that bloody special. If they can’t see your worth then they’re definitely not worthy of your precious time….don’t waste it on them, i’m not any more !!
Thanks Natalie, you’re a real inspiration 🙂
This is fantastic stuff, Natalie, and so crystal clear. One year on almost to the day from my break-up with the last EUM ex, this is exactly where I’m at now . I’ve been slowly rebuilding my life one step at a time from where it was this time last year, when I felt like it had been razed to the ground and I was driven half-mad with grief and emptiness. Now I’m well and truly on the way to being my own person, and not relying on anyone else to create a life for me or be the centre of it. It started getting better when I did NC *properly* (i.e. no longer even peeping at his Fakebook profile or trying to find out from mutual acquaintances what he was up to). It then improved further when I truly allowed myself to fully feel all my feelings of grief, anger, hurt, sadness and not beat myself up about any of them, or about the mistakes I made. And having begun to forget all about my ex and the havoc I allowed him to wreak, it has now moved on to this:-
“What about you? Aren’t you to be valued? Stop waiting for someone to scoop you out of a current life you don’t want and make your life for you. Aside from the fact that it’s too much power and responsibility to give to someone, if you took less of a passive role and weren’t afraid to be you and have boundaries, while you’d date less unavailable and shady folk, you’d be available for a mutually fulfilling available relationship and recognise one. You won’t be afraid to ask questions, to communicate, to have basic needs, to pick up the phone and you certainly won’t be abandoning your life so you can fit in with someone else’s agenda, often without being entirely sure of what it is, or knowing full well that you’re not on board with it”.
This is the central core of it – this is how to do it, how to move on to better things. A year ago, I thought I would never be able to look at another man and fancy him, let alone consider whether I might want another relationship with someone. I’m happy to say that this is totally not the case, and that I am now well on the way to making opportunities for myself – not just for a new relationship, with eyes and ears now fully open, but for drinking life in and enjoying each new experience for its own sake.
Thank you so much for continuing to guide and coach us, Natalie.
There’s something to be said for taking the proper steps forward…I know that I was always looking for the silver bullet that would magically make it all work out but the real solution is so counter-intutive and hard to grasp sometimes.
You’re post was inspiring and I hope all the women (and men) on here really hear it…myself included. It’s truly liberating on so many levels to finally build the life “we” want. Best of everything on your move forward. (((hugs))).
Best of everything for you too, metsgirl.
It’s only in looking back over the past year that I realise how far I’ve come. It’s been tiny almost imperceptible steps, backwards and forwards the whole time. Sometimes it’s felt like there’s been no progress at all, or even quite big slips backwards. Like everyone else, I’m a work in progress – indeed, I wonder if the work on personal growth will ever, as such, be “finished” as you never stop learning ’til the show’s over, really. All I know is, you have to truly want better for yourself and to recognise and acknowledge some things about yourself that you’d maybe rather not face (I call them my “squirm factor moments”), so that you can learn from them and move forward. In a nutshell, it’s taking responsbility for your own life and choices, and for the consequences. No-one can do it for you, but comparing notes on the journey with other BR readers and having Natalie’s guidance on here is a massive boost and a huge encouragement to keep going – a bit like “buddy dieting” I guess.
Radio girl
I’ve many squirm factor moments lol. But your right sometimes its two steps forward then one step back, I’m confident I’ll get there eventually, I’ve come a long way in the last 4 months, finally I’m starting to see a small light at the end of the dark tunnel I’ve been traveling in. 😉
What other people think of me is none of my business. 🙂
Well put Christine.
Thanks for this post, Natalie! Makes so much sense and pretty much hit the nail on the head for me. In the past when I’ve first got involved with people I’ve spent a lot of time and energy putting on my best ‘self’ and trying to ‘show’ these men the wonderful girlfriend I’m capable of being.. The only thing is, I’ve gone above and beyond while the other person barely gave me the time of day! From now on i’ll be on the lookout for those who posess the qualities I’m looking for and not be auditioning for a role with someone who isn’t matching my enthusiasm. I realize now that by waiting for a mutually returning investment I won’t be let down or get frustrated by over-compensating. Finding your site and books have totally shifted my dating perspectives and literally changed my life! Thank you!!!
I am literally sitting on my hands right now so I don’t break no contact as I know only too well if I do I will be demoted to auditioning for the part that just doesn’t exist. I’ve done it so many times, and always with the same result – NOTHING. He is coming at me strong right now, contacting me after many months and trying to reel back in. My life pretty much sucks right now and it is so tempting to reach back out to him but I know what would be waiting for me – rejection, uncertainty, self esteem in the f—— garbage. Trying so hard to shake this guy, just don’t why it’s so hard.
Ask yourself this question: If your worth as a human being was to be determined by him, and the demonstration of that decision was reflected in how he has treated you, what would it be?
Now, ask yourself if that’s the reality that you want. Because if you break no contact, you are pretty much saying to yourself (and him) that you’re comfortable being considered second or third rate. I don’t know you personally, but I know that no person deserves to be treated that way, and no one should ever have to feel that way about themselves. Guys like this tend to be extremely selfish, and are only out for themselves. Don’t let him play with you anymore, because he will continue to do so as long as you allow it, or at least until he finds something else to keep him entertained.
It’s time for you to get a little bit selfish and ask yourself what you have to offer in a relationship, then ask yourself if what he brings to the table is even a worthy counter offer. My guess is that it’s not. Have faith girl, you will make it to the other side…
Keep going girl – you have done the right thing and don’t go back and give him your power. It’s so hard sometimes when you desperately want that contact and to feel their love but it doesn’t exist and you wouldn’t be feeling this way if it did. Free yourself to meet someone who is so much more worthy of you and will love, care, trust and respect you.
Good luck x
FinallyDidIt I am having the same issue, its been 7 months since the split and I’ve done NC maybe three times now? The last time he was really rude and disrespectful to me and when I asked to talk things out he said yes but started to move the date around said this days better for him etc and it reminded me of how things were on his terms when we were together. It was then that I just saw my future with this man and it scared me. Because with these men it will be on their terms. ALWAYS. Please be strong I’m sending some strength to you. I’ve now been 3 weeks NC officially and I dont plan to turn back. It is hard but when you meet that man who knows how to treat you, you’ll be wondering why the heck you were wasting your time on this selfish, egotistical, man child. Be strong! 🙂 and smile!! Thank goodness for this site, I do however worry about the women out there who will end up married etc to these men, what a lonely life x
Thanks Nat! Exactly what I needed today. I’m going out on a first date tonight. I had been putting the usual pressure on myself that I needed to “impress” him and “win” him over, but as you say, this is NOT an audition.
I will meet him tonight as an equal. If there is mutual interest, great, if not, it doesn’t equate to not being good enough or less than – it just means that we weren’t compatible.
Rather than auditioning, we need to be honest about what we want and use dating as a way to separate the wheat from the chaff. That’s how I changed my approach to dating and I found that when I valued myself enough to stand by my boundaries and have standards, all of a sudden I was turning down guys left and right because they just weren’t what I wanted. Where were all these guys before when I was trying to be whatever someone else wanted or pining over the one I thought was the last man on earth?? They were always there…it’s my perspective that changed. I worked on myself.
Stop waiting for someone to scoop you out of a current life you don’t want and make your life for you.
This startes in my childhood I was always waiting for my dad to return and take me to live with him, it took many years to let go of that dream I had to face the reality he didn’t even know where I lived to ‘rescue’ me.
I then kept waiting for someone anyone to notice how unhappy I was to say I did not have to live at home anymore, but I had to let go of this too, people didn’t see or if they did they didn’t help.
So then as I grew older my thinking changed to that ‘prince charming’ would come along and make it all better, I had no knowledge I truly dated in ignorance.
Of course no relationship worked out that really would have been a miracle.
It is all lessons learned, but I can see I still have some false beliefs when it comes to dating.
I remember the first date with the eum I honestly felt like I was auditioning thats what I thought dating was all about. I still forgot me what did I want, etc. I really need to hammer this home I matter and if I don’t matter to me why on earth should I matter to someone I’m dating.
Still I can see I used the eum too, as an escape I filled a hole in my life with him one I should have been filling for myself.
I have to work on my own life, NOBODY is going to rescue me.
Tulipa I totally identify with you..hug…I had a father who was never around always away working and when he was around made me feel pretty worthless and also a mother who was EU and pretty cruel because of her addiction to alcohol…so really hadnt got a clue how to have a relationship..my first real boyfriend I met when I was 21…(it was a blind date of all things) but being niave and not really thinking things through I went on to marry him as I assumed he was `THE ONE`. 28 years and 2 children later we are finally splitting..I have been miserable for a very long time…through reading Natalies wise words have done a lot of work on myself and am finally comming to realise that I want more and that auditioning for the part of wife and mother was what I did. I am 52 now and it has taken me a long time to have the almighty epiphany…but its never too late…anyway hang in there and keep working with Nat on your beliefs you will get there…its about you and what you want..nobody else..you are the most important..and you are right nobody will rescue you…but keep being positive about you and good people will come into your life..and the bad ones will either change or leave your life..good luckx
As an artist I appreciated your audition metaphor. I easily forget about auditions and move on to the next one.My love life not so much. This post put some things into perspective for me. Thank you.
The first and only principle of dating is to ENJOY YOURSELF.
I read this on this very site not so long ago – via another blogger’s contribution – and it remains excellent advice.
That doesn’t mean leap into bed, or bust your boundaries, or audition someone, or mentally plan your wedding the minute you get home, or anything else. It means:
RELAX
BE YOURSELF
HAVE FUN
NO ONE IS GOING TO DIE
IT DOESN’T MATTER
NEXT THING ON THE LIST [this is the bit where you get home afterwards, and instead of planning the wedding, you read a book, or go to bed, or go to work the next day and do your job as normal without squealing and telling everyone in the office that you’ve met The One]
If you can’t do this – if you haven’t got the confidence to just go and have a nice evening with someone without investing your entire future in it – then perhaps you’re not ready to go back into the dating scene.
I know I’m not, and I’m not sure I ever will be, but it certainly hasn’t stopped me having a good time by just going out with a group of people or family, or one on one with a friend, and following the above rules.
I love your post, Suzanne. next thing on the list? yes! I have not been able to read for quite a while after my divorce and trying now and I take it as a sign of at least a partial recovery.
I would add (what you really said, too): IT IS OK NOT TO BE READY. And, it is OK not to go out with friends, either, if you do not feel like it.
Oops, that was PJM’s comment – sorry. Love your post, PJM! 🙂
I am ‘unready’ by choice, and I freely admit that.
I have such inner conflict and turmoil over sexuality, and trying to unpick my history of overcharged relationships, that it’s taking all my energy to process it and not bite the rest of the world’s head off!
And that’s OK, as long as I get there in the end, and I really hope I do. It’s one day at a time, just like everything else.
I should probably change my call sign to ‘Ethelreda The Unready (formerly PJM)’ …
ha ha ha ha ha I think about changing the nickname to something else about once a week :). And, I am so glad I am not the only one re: readiness. There is lot of pressure to be coupled or at least date; I actually stopped talking to a “friend” over this after she criticized me for not being over my divorce after more then a year… (I was married for 18 years when I left). So, it has not been quite two years yet.
I know that working on yourself and loving yourself is key, but at the same time insecure/mean/bitter/jealous people get into (and stay in) relationships all the time. Is there a such thing as truly “arriving” and knowing yourself fully?
BGirl: How do you think those people’s relationships are? Would you want to be in them, date one of them?
This is what I don’t get either. I know a couple of people who are in unhealthy relationships. Even one woman who cut off all her friends for no reason when she got married. Yet somehow these people are still together to this day? Shouldn’t they have fallen apart already? The disfunction continues.
Fedup,
It’s not as though all relationships that last long term are happy or healthy ones. There are a lot of people who decide it’s easier to stay in an unhealthy relationship than to make a major life change, and there are still others who probably don’t recognize how unhealthy their relationships are because they simply have never known anything else.
“And I should add – some of the people who didn’t know your value, or did, but thought that they could do better, will regret their decisions, but expect that you’ve found better.”
It’s funny that you should say that, because I just had lunch with my last ex, who was a great guy, but I couldn’t see how great he was because I was stuck on this EU guy who made me feel worthless. As I was sitting there with him, all I kept thinking about was how stupid could I have been to ever have let him go. But the truth of the matter is that I was so emotionally distracted when I was with him, that I couldn’t see a good thing that was right in front of me. I was at least self-aware enough to know it, so I spared him and broke it off. I wish I would have been in a better place back then, but I guess you can’t really change the past. I am genuinely happy that he has moved on and is with someone who makes him happy, and I would never think about rocking the boat to see if I could still fit in. He actually gives me hope, because I’m sure that there are plenty more of them just like him. But it makes me wonder how many others I passed up while I was waiting for that one guy who was never gonna come through for me. The timing for this post is impeccable, and quite frankly a little scary LOL, but a great way to end the day. Thanks.
Instead of “auditioning,” make your own part out of dating and give yourself the role you want.
Dating should be like playing detective – so I’ll be the Pink Panther. 🙂
I’m with you Molly but I can’t decide if I want to be Poirot or Holmes.
Why don’t we get this sort of relationship education at school??? We have to teach both young and old how to love, care, trust and respect themselves. Spread the word about this site.
Natalie you are a great teacher – thank you x
“You won’t be afraid to ask questions, to communicate … you certainly won’t be abandoning your life so you can fit in with someone else’s agenda”
Totally! Totally speaks to my time this evening. Another first date – (last ‘lovely’ dude didn’t bother with another word to me, no loss) – another guy that I approached online based on his very down-to-earth self presentation in his profile. Turned out that I picked someone who is in his forties, having second thoughts about his PhD in an arts field (music), is funded for study at my university, and who is wondering how much this city and the grad college we both went to (him just this past fall, me over two years ago) have to do with his hesitation.
Ha ha ha!! None of that was in his profile. It was like going on a date with the boy version of me! After all the indecision and kvetching I have done, and shared here, you all would have laughed for how I was all like, oh, I have been there, I hope you’re being kind to yourself, do you know what you love about what you’re doing, etc.
So after a bunch of really relaxed conversation (I kept forgetting we were on a date), and realizing I was dealing with someone very open about his not knowing where his life was at, and his insecurities, I was thinking, well, this is a date … now convention says don’t pressure the guy, it’s the first date, etc, and I don’t want to look pushy, etc, but – this is about me finding out about what I want, and whether this works for me. So I asked him, hey, if you’re so up in the air about where you’re at with your life, are you really looking to date someone?
That conversation went just fine, too. I asked a bunch of up-front questions, not really caring what the ‘right’ thing to say was. I judged the situation as it was, and it seemed fair and not weird to ask, and it ended up being not weird. What I didn’t expect was him saying how great it was to talk to me and I could tell he meant it – I mean I could tell the enthusiasm was for what we talked about and how, not just for having had drinks with an attractive woman!
Again, this was another one of those force myself out there dates! I even got caught up at work and had to roll straight to the restaurant from school, work clothes, glasses, no fresh make up, no tidied hair, not even lady shoes (rain boots!).
It’s just a first date, I know – lord knows, ladies, I am putting myself out there! – and I have no expectation of anything other than I guess I’ll see him again, if he wants to. It was nice to just be me, talk about my dissertation with enthusiasm (that makes 93.2% of men yawn), and yak about mutual acquaintances. It was fun to risk being frank in ways that weren’t about being rude, but about me exploring how and if I could take the conversation where I wanted it to go, and being interested in his response, whatever it was, rather than trying to say and do only the things that would impress, please or flatter.
“It was fun to risk being frank in ways that weren’t about being rude, but about me exploring how and if I could take the conversation where I wanted it to go, and being interested in his response, whatever it was, rather than trying to say and do only the things that would impress, please or flatter.”
Aaaaamen Mag! It really does take about 99.99% of the anxiety out of going on a date doesn’t it? Excellent example of how to handle The Discovery Phase my dear 🙂 On a related note, it’s been raining cats and dogs where I live and I met a dude I’ve been out with a few times for lunch…wearing wellies with my football team’s logo on them haha! Talk about non-lady footwear.
Magnolia,
The last time I mentioned my diss. to someone (I am also not done yet) on a date, the guy said: “Are you trying to intimidate me?” WHAT? I thought we were just talking about our (respective) jobs. After which he proceeded with: “I am not sure how to handle you.” Uhmmm, WHAT? I realized that to “sell” myself to someone like that I would have to pretend – I don’t even know what to pretend…. I suppose he was a decent guy, but now I am a little bit scared how to present the diss. issue…
Natasha – I can picture those boots! I live in the Pacific northwest, and I think that rainboots with the Canucks logo on them – if I had ever seen such a thing – might just be our version of f*ck me boots. Get down, boys!
P. – that’s just my point – I don’t “feel scared” about any “diss issue.” The last guy I went out with visibly squirmed while we were talking about our respective jobs, and when I decided to say that it’s possible to look at someone doing a PhD as someone who wasn’t sure what else to do with her life, rather than a committed, focused brainiac (a self-put down I will not be indulging in again), his whole body relaxed. I see now how I have automatically tried to take the edges off parts of me that make certain men uncomfortable; I didn’t have to do that last night – well, I have never had to, I’ve just done it automatically.
And notice, I’m not saying a guy should like me because I’m in graduate school. I’m just saying I don’t need to play it down so that I seem softer, or my affectionate nature is upfront, or whatever I could do to fit their judgment. I am affectionate, and supportive, and feminine, AND I do grad work and am competitive. I’m not looking to make people uncomfortable, but if being me and being open about who I am does make them uncomfortable, good to know up front that I’m “selling to the wrong market.”
Also, it’s easy to be all – “they need to take me for who I am” around something like higher education, but the same goes for “who I am” around my quirky family, the size of my butt or anything that I deem imperfect. With guy before this one, I felt very physically ‘inspected.’ We played darts and I had to bend down to pick up fallen darts often!! I may have failed in his estimation, but I don’t have to take his judgment on. I’m fine just like this, thank you! Maybe he just wasn’t ready for this jelly!
My favourite bit is when you said you forgot you were on a date …
Sitting in my car now after first date. There was a real ruthlessness and arrogance about him that I didn’t like and found intimidating. He paid for dinner, but it seemed, couldn’t wait to get out iof there. Didn’t even offer to walk me to my car. Kiss on the cheek and off he went.
Now this is where the lesson comes in – I must not get disheartned and think I wasn’t good enough, attractive enough, smart enough for him, and instead think that as two people we weren’t a good fit. Hmmmmmm.
To LA – I once read somewhere AS SOON as you realise you are not having a good time with a guy, and being in his presence is not making you feel good, cut your losses and leave immediately. Make a polite excuse “I’m not feeling well” and leave – yes, even if it is in the middle of dinner or you had dinner planned after the drink – that will jolt the arrogant AC into wondering if he really is so great after all, and additionally you will not have lost those extra couple of hours you could have had getting an early night, having a nice bath, reading, being happy in your own company. This is an attitude of mind and a boundary you set yourself so that you don’t end up walking away feeling slightly helpless to what another person was. Instead you walk away because you determined when to leave on the basis that you trusted your gut instinct and didn’t try to second guess yourself and “give the person a chance”. They had that chance and they blew it – it’s their loss and the minute you start trusting your initial judgement about people is the minute you stop undermining your own self worth.
Millan thank you for your comment, very helpful! Yes, that what I am going to do when I am in the similar situation. I compromised too much and it is time to be Real ME and stop pretending…I do not need these guys more than they need me:-)
Well done and big pat on the back for you 🙂 I only wished I had done that when I felt intimidated and inferior to the AC I was dating. Way to go, you should be very proud of yourself and relieved that you dodged a bullet..!
“There was a real ruthlessness and arrogance about him that I didn’t like and found intimidating.”
LA, this is a classic example of “Who the hell cares if someone I wasn’t into didn’t ask me out again?” It sounds like you didn’t get too positive an impression of him, so whatever he thinks of you is moot, in my humble opinion! NEXT.
LA – Arrogant assclowns tend to get dismissive, pissy and bored around me, too. I have that effect on assclowns!! My self-respect = assclown repellent.
Kidding, but you get my drift. Sounds like you made the call he was a douche. His behaviour is not about you. I agree with both EnTash and Millan: if you ever end up dining-with-douchebags again, cut out and head for the bubblebath.
I met someone very nice, who told me some things that made me unsure if they wanted to be pursued or not. Instead of backing off I went into auditioning mode and was promptly dumped. Now I’m left wondering what was real; overall an unpleasant experience.
LA, if he was a true gentleman and a nice person he would have walked you to your car regardless.
The vibes you got from him are red flags so move on and don’t look back!
It is HE who failed the audition….You can do much better, keep on dating girl!
Well, I have to say that this is synchronistic, to say the least! I am just setting off along this same “auditioning” path again – except this time, now I look properly, the other party isn’t even asking for me to audition!
But I’ve been so used to putting myself in the position of “having to” that it is now my habit. Before I teach this man to always expect the Very Best Performance from me I think I’ll stop and do what you advise…. find out what I want.
Thank you. A lovely and really very helpful article.
Thank you NML you have helped me so much! Today I am thinking: I will not wear clothes for you because the clothes I wear are an expression of myself. I will dress in an attractive way when I am around you, because I want to attract you, but I will do it in a way that I choose and I will ignore the hints you may drop into conversations. If you choose to spend time with me just the way I am, then you choose to spend time with me. If you don’t choose to spend time with me, then that is your choice…. but at least if you do choose to be around me, then it’s the real me you are choosing. I feel more self assured than I ever have before with men. I don’t expect things to be how I want them, I put myself out there with self love and I let go of the results. What will be will be. I also have you in my head as a cheer leader saying “there’s no fire!” It helps and I’m no longer feeling desperate like I used to. I am back dating my first love boyfriend 15 years later. It’s early days and thanks to you, I am keeping my cool. I know myself really well now and more than that, I accept and honour and cherish myself, just the way I am. I am thinking every step of the way, “can I love myself in this situation” and I am only prepared to go further if the answer is “yes.” My entire view of what a relationship has changed and is far less paranoid than it ever used to be. In fact it helps that this guy is the only relationship I ever had (when we last went out) where I felt I could be myself and be confident and get on really well with the guy and socialise without jealousy. I think it’s partly because he is the only boyfriend I ever had who told me in advance that he flirts with everyone, but he doesn’t mean anything by it and he is only interested in me. That made me feel like I knew what was going on and gave me confidence. It also meant that I was free to flirt with other people, boosting my social confidence at the same time, making me and him both know that we always had other options but that we were actively choosing each other. And everyone around us gets a little ego boost too, so it’s a recipe for happiness. Or it works for us at least. I am taking things really slow. I’m seeing what a relationship can be. I am feeling liberated from social paranoia and other people around us are not threats to our relationship, they are simply people to enjoy…
anon
Just be careful you’re not buying into his agenda, however subtle it may be. They don’t have to be out-and-out ACs for us to be handing over our power.
How come he gets to choose whether he spends time with you? Can’t you choose to spend time with him? He says it okay to flirt, so you say it’s okay to flirt. Maybe it IS okay to flirt – but he seems to have thought of it first. I’m not sure about looking outside the relationship for ego strokes (or even within it). But I’m certain that flirting with other people is NO INDICATION that your relationship is solid. At best, it’s no more than neutral.
Paula Yates was flirty with everyone, no-one thought anything of it. Bob Geldof was probably cool with it. Then she flirted with Michael Hutchence and look how that turned out. (I feel fine saying that; it happened on national TV.).
I should declare that I’m biased. My experience of returning exes has been very bad indeed.
well I was only 15 when I last went out with him, so I think it’s a bit different to the adult returning ex… but I am treading carefully and taking my time with it. The thing about him choosing to spend time with me or not is a two way street. It’s just my way of expressing that I am letting go of the outcome. I am equally choosing to spend time with him… or not. Up to me. My new mantra is “am I happy?” if I am, then I keep choosing to spend time with him. I’m a very sensitive person, able to transform myself into a version of myself that is aimed at appealing to a particular man… and that’s fine, I know myself and accept that natural tendency. My message was that I am curtailing that behaviour. I get where you’re coming from and you are quite right. But I am being realistic and accepting of my own personality and that of this man I am interested in. A good relationship allow people to be themselves, including the less than perfect traits. I think flirting is harmless, there’s a big difference between that and coming onto someone and I’m comfortable with that personally. I think it means different things to different people and in different relationships. I’ve been in some that flirting is ‘cheating’ and they were miserable relationships. I guess what I call flirting is what some call ‘being friendly and outgoing’ though…
NML – Brilliant. Simply Brilliant!
Natalie, you spot on again!!! How you do that??? You said : “Rejection’ within dating and relationships is widely treated like ‘auditioning’ for a part and then failing to get the role” Yes, it felt like an interview (past experiences)- I dressed up, made an effort, said “correct “things etc and all goes nicely and guy liked me, and I liked him…Few dates together, later sex, sex and sex and the end – NOTHING:-( IT felt like a failed interview and no offer for girlfriend’s position!!! I do not have a problem to attract men, I have a problem to keep them! I always wonder maybe I am not good enough to have a relationship with?
Little Star
You’re attracted to the wrong men. At some point in our lives, hopefully it will be sooner for you than it was for me, you have to embrace the fact that you’re responsible for your choices.
But how do you train yourself to like the right kind of men? I’m only 25, but I go for the EUMs over and over again (at least I realize it, before I had no clue why I was always feeling rejected). I just don’t feel it for “nice” guys. It’s so sad.. I’m always feeling like I’m in a constant state of heartbreak. I’m getting better though, this website has been a blessing to me.
Thank you for your support and validation that NC is the best for me. Got though another day / just takIng it one day at a time. Just know it’s got to get better!!
OMG, this is brilliant Natalie. I just realized I’ve spent my whole life auditioning for a part in my life and I was the judge and I never got the part. Go figure. I did think that some guy would finally select me for the staring role in my life. Talk about twisted. This post untwists so much of my twisted thinking.
I’m not on the dating circuit cos I’ve got more work to do on me, obviously.
I do have to say after reading this post, I got the part today. I was the judge of me and I selected me to star in my life.
Nat, you are so clear and up front. I think back to my past and I can’t imagine what I was thinking. Of course, I get to star in my life. No guy can scoop me into fantasy land if I am grounded in my life.
It’s been a slow process getting here and I’m not sure I’m “here”. Just want to say thank you. THANK YOU. I’m somewhere between “here” and “there”
Runnergirl,
that is just beautiful!
Yep. I like this handle better than PJM.
You do realize the first two letters spell “EU”, right? 🙂
I’ve learned so much from this site, thanks Natalie. I’m a gay woman, and ladies, let me tell you I think women can be just as difficult if not more so than men. But, I’m learning! Last date I went on I finally go it right. We had a really nice connection, lots of chemistry, but I actually listened to her “between the lines” information, and from that I figured out we wouldn’t be a good match. So on my way I went. No harm done! It was easy to walk away even though there was mutual interest AND chemistry.
Before I found Natalies site, I’m sure I would have pursued a very miserable relationship with her! No more tears!
thanks
I agree with Radiogirl, it is amazing what a difference a year makes, but only if you spend that year moving forward and taking responsibility for your life. When I look at where I was on New Year’s Day last year and New Year’s Day this year, I wonder if I am even the same person! But I did the hard work of immersing myself in BR, therapy, and self help books.
1) Last NYD I woke up to pics of the love of my life (gag!) spending Xmas with his wife and family, courtesy of FB. I thought I was so in love with this returning college sweetheart and having the best sex of my life that I would never be able to get over him or feel that intensity with someone else. This NYD, he texted me after 6 months of NC from him and the man I thought I couldn’t live without was not even worthy of a second thought beyond DELETE. There is nothing like NC to clear your head!
2) Last NYD I was in a house I could not afford in a suburban area I did not even want to live in anymore. The market was crap, didn’t know if I could even sell this huge house inherited from the divorce. Today I am living on a 1/3 acre where I wake up every morning in love with my home. It did not just happen, it was a series of perception changes and thinking outside the box. I have not been happier in a home in years.
3) Last NYD I was in a very boring job that was way beneath my skill set and had me doubting whether I still “had” it in my career (I am 50). After revamping my resume, reaching out to my network, and being very focused on my next step, I am in a job with a huge raise and very challenging.
This NYD someone asked me what my resolution for 2012 was and I could not come up with one, as everything in my life is as I would like it to be. Trust me when I say, when you fully commit to YOU, it will bleed off into every area of your life, not just men. Long time bloggers know, I was so EU to myself, I didn’t even know how to love me! When I began to love myself, my whole life started to change. I love this site, I still read the articles to keep my feet on the ground and myself empowered! Thanks Natalie!
Oldenoughtoknowbetter –
*Way to Go* !!!!! Just fantastic to read of your progress! 🙂
I love this, oldenough! Inspiring!
Just wanted to say Oldenoughtoknowbetter that your comment and journey is inspiring and thank you for sharing. I know that you have really strived to get out of your uncomfortable comfort zone and have fought very hard for yourself after some difficult experiences – you are experiencing the fruits of your investment in you, showing that while you may not get instant results and will experience bumps in the road along the way, that when you maintain the commitment to you and choose to look at things differently and explore other options, life starts opening up for you and you create the life you want. Well done and congratulations.
Thanks for your response Natalie. This is just for you, but I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for what you do. Of all the efforts I made to change my life, your website and wise words were the most influential. I send everyone I know who has self esteem issue to your site, and I find myself using your words when they talk about their bad relationships. I really did study this site like a homework project. Once I realized it was me and not the guy, me I could fix! I had huge anxiety issues both in my social and my work life, I never felt good enough, and I felt like I was “on audition” in almost every aspect of my life. Your words made so much sense to me though, that I started using a lot of it as internal dialogue and still do today. I am not perfect and still learning, but now that I think I AM good enough just as I am, things around me just started to change, or at least my PERCEPTION of them did. The biggest thing I learned from you is “it is just not about me”. I gave a presentation the other day in front of 25 high level executives in my company (I work for a major name you would recognize) and I had zero anxiety for the first time in my life! I knew what I had to say they really wanted to hear, and it was not about ME (on audition yet again!), it was about what I was sharing and I was their equal. No pedestals, thank you very much! You are an amazing woman, I wish you incredible success for taking the time to do this, I want you to know that you really do change women’s lives. My heart aches for all these lovely women, who, if they only knew, are good enough just as they are! We just give our power away in so many ways, and your words help us to take that power back. Bless you!! P.S. Loved the wedding dress analogy!!
Hello ladies, I need your advice. I have been in this relationship for over 4 years. I feel that its time to get married or move on. Im just afraid of taking the step. and I just dont know how to bring it up since everytime I do he avoids talking about it stating he doesnt like to talk about those things(mind you the times we have broken up during the first years of the relationship he was the one coming back saying he was ready to get married and have children, now he says he does not want children). I already have a daughter from a previous relationship so I dont mind not having more kids, but I do want to get married and have a family. I spend most of the weekends at his house. Maybe I am making it too easy for him(why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free). Your imput will be appreciated.
Hi Gigi,
I recommend reading this article that NML wrote and posted in this blog earlier. https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/upgrading-the-level-of-commitment-when-commitment-schedules-conflict/
Natalie: Thank you for your website, and I’m going to go buy your ebook on no contact. Even though I’m a guy I find all of your articles very useful and relevant.
Even though I find your stuff great, do you happen to know of a website or blog that is directed towards men that you recommend?
Thankful Guy,
This is not a relationship blog, but http://www.marcandangel.com/ is a life improvement site that I think all people can benefit from. Even though it doesn’t address your specific request, I do hope that you can get something useful from it.
What a great article-I kept thinking that’s me-OMG that’s me again!
I have been shown the light! Thanks so much for helping us all see what should of been so clear to each and every one of US! It starts with US and ends with US if we so chose and not in some assclowns production! No more blowing smoke up someones backside-what you see is what you get!
The new and improved wonderful and marvelous me!
Thank you for another great post 🙂
Natalie, I just want to say that your blog is brilliant and helped me get through a very rough situation. This is another great post – it’s so important to be yourself and not second guess the things you said that may have “put him off”. I realized he didn’t even remember half the stuff I said anyway…I guess he was just thinking about how to get in my pants (if he was thinking at all, that is).
Great post NML! It seems too many ladies these days have been conditioned to do all the work in a relationship. For some reason, be it lack of belief in themselves, or just because they don’t know any other way, they think that they have to win over the man. It is soooo not the case.
We (I did in the past, too) work too hard to make men happy and not hard enough at loving ourselves and striving for happiness outside of a relationship – or even IN a relationship. It may even be more important in relationship, but one thing is for sure, depending on anyone outside of ourselves for love and happiness is a recipe for disappointment.
I love the comparison to auditioning. It is so (sadly) true! Thanks for your sharing your insight – looks like you’re helping lots of ladies here. That’s a lovely thing.
Thank you C,
I read when commitment achedules conflic and its great info :).
Welcome Gigi. And to further comment on your post earlier you might also try backing off a little. Only sleep at your place. Not being at his beck and call. Think about it. You’ve been giving him all the benefits of a wife-emotional support, sex, etc without the commitment of marriage. So what incentive does he have to make you his wife? I bet he’s happy the way things are. You can still date but don’t make yourself so available.
The marriage rate was much higher in my grandparent’s generation and that was how most of them conducted dating, playing a bit hard to get, I think they were on to something. That being said it may not help if he is a commitment phobe but it’s worth a try. Then you would have to decide whether or not you can stay with things like they are for an indefinite period. Probably best to have a serious discussion with him beforehand before you back off a bit.
That being said I have to say I have no personal experience in this area, just what I’ve read about others who were in similar situations. What I mentioned earlier has worked for some people according to some of the articles I’ve read. I recommend that you type “commitment” in the search section of this site and keep reading NML’s posts and go to boundless.org & read their relationship posts including the “when he’s not asking” section, has some good information. Follow your heart and don’t be afraid to speak up. Good luck with everything. Let us know how it goes.
Hello C, hope everything is well,
I followed your advice and read the articles many times before having the talk with my bf. He was resistant throughout the conversation stating why I am trying to fix something that is not broken. He says he does not want to get married but will try living together. I asked him when would that happen and he could not answer. He told me why do I want to get married if I already did that with my daughters father and it did not work out..We couuld not get to a conclusion as he said he needs to think things. I asked when are we talking and he did not want to say when…i guess it is time to back off.