Dating Archives - Baggage Reclaim with Natalie Lue

Why Online Dating Profiles Can’t Live Up To Real Life

May 14, 2018 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

One of the reasons online dating is so popular is that depending on which site or app you use, daters can gather information up front about the suitability and attractiveness of a prospective partner. On the flip side though, many people find dating challenging due to feeling as if they can’t trust the information in profiles. Experiences of feeling misled, used and disappointed are a turn-off.

‘According to their profile, we like and want a lot of the same things, work in a similar field and have a similar sense of humour—and yet, they were so awful to me. How could I have got it so wrong?’

‘He described himself as a religious, hard-working, family-loving vegan looking for love. Why did he ignore me after I declined to sleep with him on the second date?’

The internet has created a shift in who knows what and our ability to gather trusted information.

We used to fear being sold a lemon when we were buying a car. While that can still happen under certain circumstances, by and large, we can gather a great deal of information (including about many other items and services), making it trickier to be screwed by the salesperson.

There’s no longer, as the economist George Akerlof showed in his study of how the used-car market used to work, an asymmetry in available information. Nowadays, we can research most things and sometimes know as much as, if not more, than the seller. That, and there’s plenty of laws, warranties, guarantees and the threat of a poor rating or review. It doesn’t mean we’re ‘fully informed,’ but we’re certainly more armed.

Despite this, we still don’t know a great deal more about our compatibility with someone than we did pre-internet. We like to think we do because of the photos, the info we gather, plus the chatting before meeting up, but we don’t.

Being used, misled and disappointed isn’t new.

Is Your Next Logical Step The Same As Theirs?

January 25, 2017 By NATALIE Reading Time: 4 Minutes

Way back in the day when I used to work in media sales, we talked a lot about building rapport with clients, getting to understand their needs, and matching them up, where relevant, with the right products to help them grow their business. I learned very quickly about the importance of timing and ensuring that I didn’t jump the gun. When everything had come together, the next logical step was a client ready to take out advertising and in some instances, they were so ready, they were like, ‘How much and where do I sign?’.

When I mentored graduates, a lot of the work was really about mindset and approach because some would be tempted to pick up the phone or turn up to a meeting and quick as anything, they would ask for the sale and then be surprised at being met with crickets. They were so in their heads that they didn’t get a reading on the situation and ensure that the other steps had been taken.

The same thing happens with dating and while some of it is about jumping the gun and so maybe being a bit too quick to try to move from being strangers to being in a relationship, it can equally be about mismatched and in fact, misunderstood next logical steps.

For a lot of people, feeling attracted to someone, or going on a first or few dates, is an automatic precursor to a relationship or certainly to desiring a relationship with the person in question, but when it all boils down to it, is that really the next logical step? No.

That doesn’t mean that a relationship with the person isn’t possible, it’s just that depending on how much of a leap is made, it progressing into a relationship in an organic fashion where it feels natural and a next logical step for the both of you, is less likely.

In the very early phase of an attraction or involvement, there’s not enough ‘we’ in the mix for both parties to feel comfortable about moving forward.

It’s Unrealistic To Expect Fast Confirmation of ‘No Red Flags’

January 11, 2017 By NATALIE Reading Time: 4 Minutes

One of the reasons why so many people find dating daunting is because dates are treated like a gamble where we’ve extended a level of trust and are waiting to see how much return we get back. The more dates we feel that we’ve ‘lost’ too much to, is the twitchier we get about dating, prompting anxiety due to falling for the sunk cost fallacy–believing that we’re supposed to at least ‘get back’ what we put in and as a result, trying to recoup costs that are in actuality, the cost of getting involved and are already ‘done’.

What’s driving much of the anxiety along with a sense of being almost being ‘duped’ if a date or few doesn’t progress, is this underlying belief that if someone isn’t relationship material, that this is something that we believe that we should know almost immediately but also that a date should show their hand immediately.

There can be signs that a person isn’t relationship material or that they don’t share core values (demonstrated through action), or that we quite simply aren’t into them, from pretty soon into the proceedings, but it takes time and experience regardless of any impressions, stated intentions, or feelings felt, to know whether someone truly is loving relationship material or the person for us.

We might get a sense of it, but people and relationships unfold and so rather than making a snap judgement and rigidly sticking to it regardless of what happens next, we have to be open to getting to know and understand people, with the caveat being that some won’t even make it past a date or few, regardless of how good a time we think we’ve had with them.

It won’t be one thing that makes someone ‘it’; it will be a series of things. Even if we see what we think is an indicator of potential early on, as the relationship unfolds, we won’t have to carry on as if it was a UFO sighting that we’re now trying to get them to verify by attempting to make them demonstrate the behaviour or intentions that we haven’t seen again.

If our impression was on point, it will be converted into a fact due to it being consistently demonstrated over time.

Believing that we ‘should’ know immediately is a trap because ultimately, we’re living by a [faux] rule that has no basis.

It’s unrealistic to expect us to have world class detective skills, able to tell at a glance or certainly within the time it takes to have a drink and maybe a meal, whether somebody is Mr or Miss Right. It’s not a skill that we need to develop because there is no getting around the fact that we need to be vulnerable and show up if we want to get to know others and to be known.

We’re only putting the pressure on us to play Columbo because we’re on some level scared of getting things wrong and intimacy.

Advice Wednesday: We’ve Been Sexting For 6 Months But He Doesn’t Want A Relationship (Or To Meet Up)

October 19, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 4 Minutes

Effie asks: I met a guy online six months ago and we’ve been texting and emailing ever since. From early on, he made it clear that he found me very attractive as he sent me a picture of himself, you know, naked, and he wanted us to talk about what we would do to each other. I haven’t been involved with many guys and from what I hear, this is what people have to do now so even though I had my reservations, I sent him photos of myself. If I’m honest, I thought that this was a prelude to us being together properly but six months on and a lot of excuses, we have not actually met up yet. We don’t live far from each other (less than 30 minutes) and we clearly have a strong connection. I decided to tell him how I feel and he told me that he doesn’t feel the same way and that he thought it was clear that we were both having fun. I’ve also found out that he has a girlfriend. What does this all mean? Why am I the sideline chick? Where did I go wrong?

********************

Effie, I need you to tell this story in an entirely different way: Six months ago, you were introduced via a dating site to this man who you still do not know from Adam. He sent you a picture of his pecker and you took that to be a declaration of how much attraction he felt for you, as if people only send pictures of their genitals because of how much they feel for somebody. On some level you’ve had some misgivings about exchanging sexy messages or in fact any messages with this man but have played along because you think that this is what dating in 2016 is like. This has continued for six months and you have assumed that the reason it’s continuing is because you have a connection and are building up to being together, but instead he has told you that your feelings aren’t reciprocated plus a bit of detective work has revealed that he has a girlfriend. It means that he’s bad news and to stop being used.

The truth is, you knew that this situation smelt more than a little funky but you doubted you and it’s also allowed you to delay on having to show up for a real relationship. We accept so much less when we are grappling with feelings of loneliness but also when there is a part of us that is afraid of having to fully put ourselves out there.

He has reaped the benefits of you being that dangerous cocktail of being too nice, naive and non-confrontational.

If you met someone tomorrow and you chatted to them for let’s say 10 minutes and exchanged, oh I don’t know, 750-1000 words, would you think it was strange if the next thing that came out of their mouth was an invitation to look at their privates or a request to look at yours. You’d probably think it was even stranger if you had that conversation, went to the bathroom and came back to find them with their pants down. Why do you think that this is even remotely okay with someone you haven’t even met in real life? If the expectation is to exchange sexy photos early on in the proceedings, what do you do a month or few in?

Have You Already Made Up Your Mind About Dating & Your Future Prospects?

October 18, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 4 Minutes

“There’s no decent men left to date.”

“Women only want flashy guys with lots of money who mess them around.”

“Dating websites/apps are full of shallow/shady people and people don’t go out anymore.”

“Men in their thirties, forties, fifties and beyond are only interested in [women who are younger than me].”

“All everyone wants to do is screw around and never commit.”

“I’m not gonna find love. It’s too hard and I can’t afford to get hurt again.”

“Whether I go out with men or women, this whole dating thing is impossible.”

This is just a selection of the very common objections that I hear from men and women who are dating and trying to forge relationships. Sometimes I’ll have someone use several of these objections in quick succession.

Let’s forget about romantic relationships for a moment and pretend that we’re talking about applying for a job.

“There are no decent jobs left.”

“Employers only want [people who are very different to me].”

“Recruitment websites/apps are only full of crap jobs and companies don’t really advertise jobs anymore.”

“No matter what age I am, employers are looking for someone younger.”

“All companies only want to offer zero-hour contracts.”

“I’m never going to find a job/a job I love. It’s too hard and I can’t afford to get rejected/disappointed again.”

“No matter what job I do and how I do it, this whole seeking employment thing is impossible.”

Does this sound like someone who wants to get a job, who believes that that they can and will get a job eventually? Some of these objections sound like excuses not to even bother trying to look for a job or to stay in a job while complaining about it.

What type of energy do you think that this person would bring to their job search? Would they feel optimistic with awareness that it might not be easy and that there would undoubtedly be effort and disappointments involved, or would they be heavy-hearted with lots of negative chatter crowding in? How would this sense of defeat affect which jobs they applied for or how they come across in an interview? Is this person open or closed to the possibility of finding a job that resonates with them?

Our relationships begin even before we meet the person we become involved with. Our relationships are founded on the one we have with ourselves and this means that we have to consider the thoughts that we feed us and the way that we treat ourselves.

The person who says they’re looking for a job while already having written off the possibilities, has made up their mind in advance and this has a significant impact on what comes next. It’s the same with dating.

All of the above dating beliefs tell you about the way these people feel about themselves. They tell the story of past experiences that they’re fearful of recreating.

If you have already decided that you’re not going to find love or have decided that there are no decent available partners left, why are you on a dating website or app? Why are you trying to meet people while out and about? What is the purpose?

You Cannot Be An Equal In Your Relationships If You Treat Dating Like An Audition

March 14, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 6 Minutes

Imagine that you were trying to fill a job role and one of the candidates made inappropriate comments, or was argumentative, or maybe they crossed the line. Would you still go ahead and hire them or bring them in for another interview?

Let’s take this a step further: Imagine that you’re interviewing/screening for a potential partner for a joint venture opportunity. At this stage, they’ve said all of the right things that suggest that they could be a potential fit but now you’re meeting up with them to see how they stack up in real life. Would you feel as if you could meet them once or a few times and be in business with them? If they blew you off and didn’t even call to say that they couldn’t make it, would you still hold them in the same light? If they were critical, passive aggressive, aggressive, very forward, railroading your NO, would you not think, Hmm, something’s smelling very funky here, and try to step back so you could see things more objectively? Or maybe you’d ask more questions or just straight up flush the situation because you realise that this is not taking you towards where you want to go? You’d put your own instincts ahead of the opinion of someone who you’ve known for a hot minute. You definitely wouldn’t be mentally already in business with this person without having 1) met them or 2) taken some time to suss them out before committing to progressing things.

I say all of this because dating is a co-interview process.

It’s not an audition for the starring role in the Most Self-Important Person In The World’s life or in fact anyone’s life–you are mutually screening and interviewing.

There is no one person having more ‘power’ and deciding votes than the other–you are both free to walk away at any time. It is a discovery phase where after getting an initial impression that has prompted curiosity and possible attraction, you get a sense, not just of how they stack up in real life, but also how you are around him/her. It’s like, Who am I with this person? Am I more or who I am or less of it? Am I genuinely happy and present or am I in a state of anxiety and if so, why?

If there’s any concern over ‘power’, then it’s not dating–it’s auditioning and of course if you go on every date feeling as if you’re possibly on the verge of landing the role of a lifetime, then not only are you going to be stressed out about so much as putting a foot wrong but you will actually forget to show up as an equal party. You will forget to do your part of what is supposed to be a co-interview process. It will be the equivalent of subsisting on scraps and taking bit parts here and there to cover the bills (your self-esteem) but waiting for your the “big break”. That would make being you, taking care of you, the equivalent of doing that crappy job until you get to do what you really want.

We Need To Talk About: ‘Ghosting’ In The Early Stages of Dating

February 8, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 6 Minutes

IF SOMEONE DISAPPEARS ON YOU, THEY'D BETTER STAY DISAPPEARED. NO POPPING IN AND OUT LIKE THE HOKEY COKEY. I recently delved into the topic of ‘ghosting’, which is when someone who you’ve had an intimate relationship with disappears. But of course disappearing isn’t limited to ‘full-on’ relationships: ghosting is something that many people have experienced with dating plus it happens with friendships and even with family—my father ‘ghosted’ me after I got married and it took a couple of months for it to register and when it did, it floored me. Anyway…, today’s post focuses on dating.

It’s highly likely if you’ve been around the dating block a few times, that you’ve ghosted–I know I have. The pleaser in me felt as if I ‘should’ reciprocate interest but I didn’t want to. I feared making him feel bad (because I would then feel bad), as well as confrontation, so I ignored his texts/calls about a third date. Several months later, he’s stood on the opposite tube platform and I hid beneath my carriage window cringing with shame. After that I vowed not to dodge texts and calls and I stuck to it, even when he was a Mr Persistent. I knew with the latter that my only option was to be direct rather than dodging and once I knew that I’d been direct, I was free to ignore any texts or calls after that.

Ghosting is especially rife in the early stages of dating because in a time where someone might juggle multiple contacts due to apps and websites, or where their heads are easily turned due to a plenty of fish in the sea mentality, some argue that surely they can’t be expected to break up with or at least give a heads-up to each person they date. It’s like, “Don’t oblige me with other people’s emotions! But make me feel good!”. And actually, it’s also fair to say that not everyone wants to hear back from every date that doesn’t work out. A lot of the time, we can work things out for ourselves (if we were present rather than auditioning on the date).

Back in olden times, it was understood that if we didn’t hear back after a first or early date, it was a no-go. If they didn’t call after one-nighter or fling, although we’d likely feel a bit hurt and disappointed (especially if they were giving it the big talk while we were shagging our brains out), we’d still get the gist–it’s a no-go.

Disappearing was real and horrible in olden times and it still is, only some of us have Columbo tendencies so we have the added pain that comes with checking to see if they’re online or stalking Facebook.

Are you afraid of being afraid?

July 15, 2015 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

Sometimes we can be so afraid of replicating a past relationship that we bring that relationship into our present one instead of being conscious, aware and present so that we can acknowledge the differences including our own personal growth and actually enjoy the relationship for whatever it is. We forget that we’re not that woman/man anymore. We forget that the only reason for us to fear that we are in a repeater version of a past relationship is if we have entered into this new involvement with the same thinking, baggage and behaviour that we entered into a prior involvement with. If we have gone into a relationship with the same viewpoints that contributed to problems before then our concerns are valid although manageable if we take responsibility for our choices now instead of blindly continuing with the pattern – we can ‘wake up’ – but we do us a disservice when we spend too much time thinking about who we were ‘back then’ instead of what we’ve learned since then and applying it.

When we don’t have the reassurance that comes with having a fairly good grasp on who we are and our values, fear of uncertainty will dictate because we lack the self-knowledge and self-awareness that would mean us being sure of ourselves. Because we are looking for the world or whoever it is that’s around us to tell us who we are or to tell us that we are OK, we end up being unsure of who we are and only feel temporarily OK after reassurance because we don’t have our own back. We get caught up in the cycle of measuring and estimating ourselves against what we think that person wants us to be or what we think the dating pool or society wants.

Due to that lack of self assurance and self-reliance, it means that we are not confident in trusting our gut, intuition and values on what does and doesn’t feel good and right for us. As a result, we’re either going to struggle to opt out of a situation that isn’t working for us or we’re going to struggle to trust a situation that is working for us because we lack self-trust and may even be petrified of making a mistake and getting it “wrong”.

We treat it as if it’s our one-shot. It feels as if the stakes are high.

Are you in the betting shop putting whatever money you have on a horse that you’re hoping your “good feeling about this” pays off, all while knowing that if the horse doesn’t coming that you’ll go bust and you won’t have your rent/mortgage money or be able to pay off your debts or support you?

If this is where you’re at with dating, I don’t blame you for feeling anxious. Imagine being in that betting shop. You’d be clutching your slip, your guts would be at you (unless you’re one of those gamblers that believes it right up until they lose) and you’d be so tense and afraid that you probably wouldn’t be breathing properly. A horse race lasts for a few minutes but imagine feeling like that over a period of weeks or months? It would be agony! I’m the type of person who if I were feeling like that, I’d have bubble guts with the stress of it all, never mind the toll it would take on my mental, emotional and overall physical health. Imagine leaving the house every day poised for somebody to mug you? You’d be veering between scared and defensive and spending 100% of your time braced for something that isn’t happening.

Are you hoping to strike gold as soon as you get on a dating website?

May 12, 2015 By NATALIE Reading Time: 4 Minutes

Back in the day when I first started blogging (can’t believe it’s about to be eleven years – eek!), I briefly dabbled with using a website to meet a potential date. I describe it this way because the term ‘online dating’ is so misleading; they are introduction websites, not some sort of technology that we can use to simulate a relationship, though goodness knows many thousands try. Until we meet and date a ‘prospect’, they are just that and we are essentially at ‘stage 0’ until such time. All the texting, calling, IM’ng, sexting and whatever else in the world, won’t change that but it will ensure that we build sandcastles in the sky and overload ourselves with assumptions that will ultimately leave us with an Imagination Hangover and a sense of being misled by our ‘feelings’.

Anyway, I digress…

When I put up my profile, it was minus a photo with a bit about me and specifying that I was only interested in a relationship and the age range was 25-34 (I was 27 at the time). I heard from guys right up to seventy years old and received a lot of messages and winks. I found the experience so bizarre that I decided that I didn’t have the patience for it (I would have ended up firing off replies with just, RTFP in them (read the effing profile). Almost all of the messages were inappropriate (too forward) with some being explicit. I’ve always been a bit of a Cautious Carol, so in much the same way that I shied away from drugs when pals were off their face on E’s, coke and speed because I figured I’d be the statistic that would keel over, I also figured I’d be the one who ended up going on a date and being found under a carpet in some dingy flat somewhere.

I’m not crazy about dating (introduction) websites because many people who are actually looking for love and a relationship, have underlying expectations that essentially set them up for a fall. It’s not the technology; it’s the way that people use it and the chaos and pain that results. Putting aside the shady folk that misrepresent themselves online and the persistent collectors of attention, many of the people I hear from, see these websites as an opportunity to meet people in a ‘safe’ way (i.e. in a way that involves less vulnerability and is less time/energy hungry), after all, these days, all we have to do is swipe from left to right or do a few clicks instead of dolling ourselves up and dragging ourselves out to various social occasions while keeping a hopeful/hungry look on our faces.

If we have our feet planted fairly firmly in reality and we know who we are and are relatively personally secure, trying to meet potential partners online can actually be an enjoyable experience albeit punctuated with gritted teeth moments from dealing with time wasters and inappropriate folk, but if going online in an attempt to meet people is a means of avoiding vulnerability, of escaping ourselves, of looking for attention and basically external solutions to our internal issues, we can unwittingly end up feeling aggrieved because we on some level hoped to strike gold immediately or very quickly.

We inadvertently feel entitled to not be disappointed and to be made an exception to the rule of the ‘online dating’ experience that many millions have to go through.

Who do you know in this century, no scratch that- this decade, who met up with the first person they linked up with online and lived happily ever after? What are the odds? Even the people I know who met online in the late nineties encountered some foolishness and effery before that happened!

Why do we go on a site like Plenty of Fish or apps like Tinder or the myriad of sites and apps out there, and expect to strike gold?

I know it would be “great” to have a series of dubious relationships or go through a painful breakup or other loss and then go online or open up an app and come across somebody you like the look of and then shazam, you hit it off and ride off into the sunset as a reward for all of the pain and suffering you went through before that, but that’s not how it works!

As I’ve said many a time before, you practically need Columbo/Jessica Fletcher skills combined with hide of rhino to use these websites, or at the very least, you need to not have a do or die attitude about it as if finding somebody online or in fact, finding somebody full stop, is going to be your salvation, because that’s a recipe for Fast Forwarding and Future Faking (by you and them) as well as codependency and pain.

If we approach dating post breakup with the same (or even worse) mentality that we had in previous relationships, we stand to replicate the same problems. Expecting to ‘strike gold’ with somebody who is already being far too forward or who we haven’t met yet, or who we have not consistently spent enough time with in real life to see them unfold so that we can get an accurate reading, is a guarantee of a rude but necessary awakening.

Rather than us holding on to feeling angry, resentful, wounded and disappointed that we didn’t ‘strike gold’ immediately and that we have to actually take our time and opt out of anything that doesn’t align with who we are, we have to turn these understandable frustrations into the valuable turning points that they are. We must get grounded. We must take a few moments to reflect and have an honest conversation about what we’re trying to do. We must home in on whether we are able to deal with the emotional consequences of engaging virtually with strangers because if we have a tendency to to see potential very quickly or to feel attached very quickly, we have a duty of care to go slower and to recognise those signs in us so that we can be more self-aware and pay attention. We have to also be willing to note any recurring themes that come up with the people or situations so that our blind spot is no longer a blind spot. If messaging, attention, or sex (or whatever) is our kryptonite, these (or the prospect of them) have got to be our cue to be conscious, aware, and present.

When we have a strike gold mentality with dating whether we’re meeting people on or offline, we are coming from a place of fear; it’s a sense of scarcity and fear that a relationship might not be coming to us. That’s not a good space to be in not least because we end up spinning our wheels and being so ‘on’ the prospect of it that we’re blinded and keeping ourselves away from something good because we’re too eager to chase after anything and everything.

Understanding why it’s difficult to be trusting when discrepancies with a person’s dating profile or story are discovered

September 24, 2014 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

Picture this (adopts Sophia from Golden Girls voice): You meet somebody on a dating website (read: introduction website after all, you can’t actually ‘date’ on it), you exchange a few emails and texts, maybe you chat on the phone a few times and then you meet up, hopefully within the first week or two because beyond that you get into building sandcastles in the sky territory. Between reading their profile, viewing any photos and these initial exchanges, you glean information about that person but at some point, maybe when you meet up, it comes to light that this person hasn’t been truthful and you feel uncomfortable.

Maybe they lied about their age. Some people knock off decades, some people knock off a year or two. It can seem harmless but it more often than not rings alarm bells.
Maybe they lied about their identity because they claim to be scared of “fake people showing up at their door”. The irony of course is that the person is then faking aspects of themselves to prevent fakes. O-K…
Maybe the picture is a misrepresentation because it’s very old or not even them at all. It then looks like they’re living in the past or flat out living a lie. It all gets a bit Catfish-y.
Maybe they’ve lied about their qualifications or what type of job they do, where they live or something. This can seem harmless until it becomes apparent that it’s representative of either a double life and/or their perennial need to exaggerate themselves in some way.

Whatever the lie is and whether they regard the lie as big or small, when it comes to light, it tends to create an awkwardness at best and at worst, a sense of deep confusion and even being defrauded.

Why you don’t need to ask about exclusivity if the person you’re dating is ambiguous or even shady

March 21, 2014 By NATALIE Reading Time: 2 Minutes

You’ve met someone, you’ve been on a date or few, and at some point, you start to think about exclusivity – knowing that the other party isn’t shopping around and dividing up their dating schedule between you and someone else. While the reason you may be broaching this subject is because things are going great and you just want to be doubly sure that you’re both on the same page, equally, in listening to people’s stories, it seems that many people use broaching the subject of exclusivity or even defining the relationship talks, to clarify that they are the only person who is getting crumbs. In my first video in absolutely ages, I explain what these discussions are really for and why it shouldn’t be about, ‘I know you’re treating me in a less than manner but I just want to confirm that it’s only me that’s getting this treatment. Reassure me that there isn’t somebody else getting a better version of you…’ Enjoy!