Sitting on a packed train yesterday quickly glancing through emails, I homed in on “He actually thinks he can do better than me! It’s like the tables have turned and I don’t even know how because when we got together, he kept telling me that I was too good for him!” This got me thinking…
When you put people on pedestals, especially when you knowingly take ‘less than’ partners or invest in people where the feelings and the relationship are not mutual and then blow smoke up their bums, even though they may recognise that both on and off paper you’re a great catch, they wonder, “Hmmm…maybe I can do better”.
Even if they won’t admit it, they likely know that you see far too much potential in them and are not seeing them in reality, because if you did, you’d have hit your flush handle.The more you keep loving, giving, morphing, accommodating, believing, hoping and even chasing them for attention, affection, love, and validation, is the more you pump them up and inflate their ego.
They start to believe in their ‘specialness’ and it occurs to them that if you’ll do all this for them in spite of any reluctance, unwillingness, unavailability, or even shoddy, demeaning behaviour on their part, they wonder who else they can get with.
They wonder “Hmmm…well if I can be with them and I’m not actually all that, maybe I am more than I thought I was and maybe I can do better”.
And do you know what happens next? They feel safe in exploring other options because they assume that should they find that the big wide world is not feeling their ‘specialness’, they have you to ‘fall back’ on because you keep your proverbial door open in the hope of ‘winning’ them.
The idea of “Maybe I can do better” is one of the biggest sources of commitment resistance.
Unavailable people are afraid of making or admitting a mistake, and of staking themselves to one person and having to be vulnerable, accountable, and responsible. They panic that someone with a bit more ‘something’ (even if they don’t know what that ‘something’ is), may be out there, and worry that there’s plenty more fish in the sea.
They reason that if they can get someone like you and you’re breaking your back and rolling yourself out like a doormat, that maybe they can do better. Of course they’re not entirely convinced which is why they’ll often give themselves license to keep you in their back pocket as an option.
We choose people that reflect our beliefs and when these are negative and unrealistic, we gravitate to those that confirm our beliefs and that we’re ‘not good enough’.
When you’re not confident in your worth or your capabilities in a relationship, it makes ‘sense’ to choose someone that has their own ‘issues’ too because you won’t feel worthy of a healthier partner. The idea is that while they on one hand cater to your beliefs, at the same time you want them to challenge them and love and validate you because in recognising the synergy between you both, if they reach the potential you’ve projected for them, it’s like you can reach that potential too.
You boost them and exaggerate their specialness because you want them to reflect the effort back to you. “Look how special I’m treating you even though you’re not that special so you should love me and treat me like I’m extra special too because I don’t think I’m that special either”.
You make them think that they’re realising a potential that they’re actually not, and they start to believe they can do better. When they don’t reciprocate, not only is it incredibly painful but it feels like another horrible confirmation because if they can’t love you and you know they have issues, then you think there must be something really wrong with you. That’s why I hear and see so many people exclaiming the equivalent of “What? Even an assclown doesn’t think I’m good enough!”
It says a lot about where you’re at personally and emotionally when your way of gaining love and feeling special is to take someone who you don’t share a mutual relationship with and then exaggerate the crap out of them in the hope it’ll filter back to you.
Let me be clear: They’re just not that special.
Putting people on pedestals and exaggerating who they are and chasing and loving them no matter what they do creates an incredible imbalance that’s extremely difficult to recover from unless it’s nipped in the bud very quickly. You boosting them up into the stars is only giving them the opportunity to look down on you. Trust me when I say that they’re not taking you up there with them. You are at best exaggerating them and at it’s worst, lying about or even denying the reality.
Stop taking shortcuts. The way to like and love yourself and to be available for a healthy relationship is to like and love yourself. It isn’t placing your love on someone that doesn’t want you or is happy to use you, in the hope that in receiving love against the odds that you can finally love yourself. That is self-abuse.
Let me say it again: They’re just not that special. Nobody is. There is no one on this earth that justifies you disrespecting or even abusing yourself for their ‘love’. No one.
You are an equal whether you know it or not and never show up to or stay in a relationship if you think you’re anything less. By lowering yourself by letting others bust up your boundaries and acting like you’re not good enough, you force readjustments of any perceptions of you or what ‘someone like you’ can be and do, and they will with their inflated ego, wonder if they can do better.
I say this from personal experience. Guys would meet me and think I was attractive, outgoing, ambitious, had myself together and yada, yada, yada, and then I’d repeatedly demonstrate that I had very low self-esteem and was a tad f*cked up. Then they’d think “Hmmm..maybe I can do better”.
If you’re waiting around and pining for someone and even trying to make your presence felt in the hope you can be validated and chosen, they don’t get a chance to miss or even regret not valuing you enough because you’re still there. That doesn’t communicate value – that says “I know you think you can do better but when you find out that you can’t, I’m here waiting for you.”
You are better than this. Get some fire in your belly, find that emotional backbone you’ve put away, jab yourself with pride and say “They’re just not that special”. They’re not.
Do you know when they realise that they can’t do better? When you won’t put up with their BS and you don’t sell yourself short. You choose you instead of them.
If you’ve ever wanted a clear cut reason for why you should shake the unavailable or even assclown habit, this is it. All your efforts are inflating them so they just don’t feel they have to cough up. Why put in a loaf when crumbs will get so much inflation?
Maybe they can do better, maybe they can’t, but the one person in this equation that I do know can do better is you. You are always better than a non mutual relationship.
Your thoughts?
Are you ready to stop silencing and hiding yourself in an attempt to ‘please’ or protect yourself from others? My book, The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People Pleasing, Reclaim Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want (Harper Horizon), is out now.
image source SXC
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Natalie, this post is on point as always. I think that many of us have been guilty of this – I certainly have. You breakup – you hang around…you continually give that person that validation …and one day, they look down from that shrine you’ve built for them and wonder why they didn’t get themselves a better model. I’ve been guilty as charged – but no more!!
Dear Natalie, you completely helped me change my relationship beliefs and values. You helped me in ways you would never imagine. I am very grateful to you, as now I’m living a great healthy relationship with a very decent, nice and social guy. Assclowns out! Your blog changed my life forever and your pieces of advice helped me like no other self-help book or relationship seminar ever did. Keep up with the good work, and greetings from Romania!
I just went through something like this with an ex I tried to do some visual projection art for his music project. He had seen my visuals over the last couple of months and what I have done since he dumped me. He was all complimentary and asked me to perform for his new music project. I agreed, thinking it was a good move and I could put my feelings about him aside.
I was very professional and complimentary as he had been to me. He paid me and I headed out the door, whereby he yells after me that I had left something behind – by my performer name, of all things.
That hit me wrong. No one who knows me has ever called me by my performer name, least of all him and all of the sudden it just felt passive aggressive and lame coming from him. Then he did it the next day to me when I posted a thank you to all involved for having me and complimenting the music project.
I just figured while he was complimenting me and giving me some art work to do and get paid for, I would express my genuinely felt compliments to him and all I got was this weird crap that only he could pull to mess things up with me.
I am now officially done with the idea of doing any art with him at all, let alone talking to him much the next time I see him. In fact, I will call him by his performer name and will add Sir to it first. See if he likes the formality as put-down all of the sudden as opposed to be nice and complimenting him on his work.
It is like each and everyone of your posts were meant just for me and my insane situation. I read your posts and the comments of others each and every day and slowly but surely I am moving back into the happy life I had with boundaries and the life without MM. I won’t pretend it isn’t the hardest thing I have ever done but it is so necessary. When did I loose sight of all of these important things? trust me being without boundaries is not a happy place. Never again and please keep your posts coming as I am not out of the woods yet. He is so not pedestal worthy – not sure how and when he got elevated to that status but he is getting the boot!!
OMFG! This was me. This was meeeee!!!! I’ve been NC for about five weeks now (I’m not going to dignify the bugger or the unrelationship by actually counting the days) and every day of NC I have grown in happiness, self-esteem and power. This site has been ALL the difference and found just when I needed it.
I was with a MM for five and half years. Total crap and total denial. Even when I found this site at just the right time I was still harbouring thoughts that “my situation was different” until I came across the post of the return of the childhood sweetheart. That broke down a wall and since then I’ve been facing up to the realities for the first time. Getting my power and self-esteem back by recognising my contribution so I know I can do it differently going forward. Painful sometimes, palm sweating shameful and raising wall-kicking fury at others but always knowing I’m out of stuck and now growing and next time I’ll ask myself if I want to be with them rather than wasting all the brain wattage wondering if they want to be with me.
Natalie you are a wonderful woman. I’m reading your posts as therapy. They help all the jigsaw pieces fall into place and give hope and laughter to cope with the shock when they do. I go back and read again as well because sometimes you need to be in a different place to get fresh perspective.
Hi, everyone. My name is Cindy and I am a recovering assclown addict. LOL. This article is spot on. As someone who has been there, done that, broke away and now in recovery, you are honestly doing these men no good by putting them on a pedestal not to mention what this does to you. They simply don’t appreciate it and they abuse it.
It’s better to save your giving energy for someone who actually gives back. I often felt like I was being sucked away by an emotionally needy black hole, my ex-EUM wanted me to give give give but did not want to give back.
I thought I could wait it out, that all he needed was someone to believe in him, be patient with him and love him beyond his crappy ways when really all he needed was a sucker like me to accept the abuse so he could feel better about himself, stroking his pathetic little ego. He really is a legend in his own mind. Too bad no one else knows it…..
When I woke up, went no contact for two months, came back a much better woman. Now, he has 1% effect on me when it was 99% before I broke away. My life almost literally revolved around him. Now, it revolves around myself and my life has greatly improved.
Funny, I used to think being with him was all I needed to improve my life. I used to believe that if him and I were together that I would be very happy.
I learned to find my own happiness, without him, and now I realized I don’t *need* someone else to make me happy, I can generate that for myself. I think that is what most women here struggle with. If you want freedom, learn to find happiness on your own.
LOVE IT! This is your best blog yet my dear Natalie. I just love you and your blog. Well done sister! xxxxx
Awesome article! Hitting it right on the bullseye for me!
Thanks, Renata
This has really hit home with me. When my EUM sent me a really crap birthday card last week, I acted like he had given me the Taj Mahal! I said he was amazing and wonderful etc, etc. He then took me to a beautiful romantic, garden with fountains, lawns, streams, swans and then spent the entire time telling me it was where he took his wife (now ex) and kids, and then ex- girlfriend and dog (called Misty by the way) and again I thanked him profusely. Every moment I was telling him he was such a terrific guy, when really, somewhere in my gut, I knew it wasn’t true. I just wanted to be the woman who praised him and made him feel so good, he would love me, instead of being ambivalent. It never occurred to me that I was boosting his ego and making him believe that he was so special that someone else would want him! How very stupid I have been. He is absolutely the “I could give you a million dollars” man that Grace once posted about.
Thank you for this insight N.
Oh my goodness, I’ve done this sort of thing too… thanking someone profusely and being ever so grateful for little scraps and crumbs.
AMEN! what else can I say. Take them down off the pedestal and stomp on those rose colored glasses and see them for what they really are – A WASTE OF PRECIOUS VALUABLE TIME! Great one Nat!
Signed
Special Child of the Universe – that would be ME!
Cringing at the old me…I used to be the poster child for that behavior…ugh!
I have avidly read Baggage Reclaim for the past four years and want to thank you Natalie for all your inspiration and guidance!
I broke things off in my last relationship when I realized I had put my partner on a pedestal, but was actually dating an EUM with serious issues who was never going to commit to me and me alone. I have many friends in common with the last EUM and he remains in a “serious” on again off again relationship with the other woman he was dating in addition to me. I run into them often and feel sucked into the old emotions I was feeling when I was dating him. I was struck when my therapist asked me why I was focusing on these old emotions instead of feeling proud that I had left this “less than” partner behind and have moved on to a loving committed relationship. Despite knowing that I was the one who walked away, that I want no part of the crazy train his current relationship entails, and am happy to have chosen myself, there is a part of my reptilian brain that still believes he chose her over me. My question is, what are some approaches to tackling these emotional phantoms even after we have dealt with our baggage intellectually?
As someone once said in a post a few months back, it’s like wondering why the lion in the room ate the other person instead of you!
In the end, it wasn’t his choice, it was yours. You’re essentially asking ‘why didn’t he choose me over HIMSELF’. If this woman decided to grow some self-esteem, he would move on to someone else. He doesn’t want to be the type of man that can give you what you want. He wants to be the kind of selfish plonker that does the bare minimum and gets all the benefits. THAT’S what he’s choosing – not this other woman.
Minky,
Thanks for the shift in perspective…you are totally right!
Dear Natalie,
I am amazed at the breadth of information, wisdom, and insight that you possess. Your site is such a source of healing for me. I have battled with low self-esteem all of my teenage and adult life, and am now on a quest to claim what is rightfully mine..love from America.
S
Right on.
“The idea is that while they on one hand cater to your beliefs, at the same time you want them to challenge them and love and validate you because in recognising the synergy between you both, if they reach the potential you’ve projected for them, it’s like you can reach that potential too.”
OMG yes. I know I procrastinate and can be irresponsible. I’m ashamed to let people see this. I go for uberdriven guy who also thinks only losers procrastinate, and will remind me of this when it’s convenient for him. We both think he sets a good example for me. That’s him on a pedestal right there.
I did think: he’s more high-powered than me, but he’s also more insensitive. I want to believe that I can be high-powered, so if he is hanging out with someone “less-than,” I must give him the same benefit of the doubt and though I find him “less-than” in the sensitivity department, I should believe that (with my guidance?) he can be sensitive. In the meantime we blew smoke up each other’s bums, him pretending he respected my career and me pretending I admired his integrity. What a mutual disrespect.
If I had genuinely believed I could get another person as “special” as him, I would not have put up with his bs. And yeah, him putting up with me when I didn’t feel great about myself only made me wonder about his standards and values.
The better thing is for me to understand he’s not special, he just has something I don’t. I can work to have the qualities I think make him better than me, and become confident in myself. I don’t need someone to compare myself to constantly in order to prod me to reach my potential.
A very good description of this dynamic is here, if you search for the section on “merger wishes”:
Mag, You could be writing about my experience! Another set of qualities, but the same dynamic. (Thank you!) I have since thought that it’s fine, and in fact pretty crucial, that we admire the person we’re with, but when that comes with a tugging panic that we need them to slap us into action, rather than gently guide (or not, it shouldn’t matter), then there’s trouble. It’s based on (parental? innate?) shame, and untruths, and a degree of awfulness. It’s not the real mutuality that Nat talks about, you’re right.
Also, Nat’s message about self-respect and self-love above all is revolutionary. It sounds obvious and hackneyed, but it’s absolutely mind-blowing when you truly look at yourself and your life. (Thanks Natalie!). I happened upon a photo of the AC lately and I recognised at once how much fantasy I had invested in him at the expense of me. He looked worn out, certainly like a child-bullsh*tter. Then kind of nice and normal too. Just trying to get on with life. Nothing special, but special in that human way. I didn’t feel much. It was good to experience that.
“Guys would meet me and think I was attractive, outgoing, ambitious, had myself together and yada, yada, yada, and then I’d repeatedly demonstrate that I had very low self-esteem and was a tad f*cked up. Then they’d think “Hmmm..maybe I can do better”. ”
This has been me, over and over. I am trying so hard to get out of this cycle. I can look back at an EUM from about 5 years ago and see that this is exactly what happened. My low self esteem combined with his need for an ego stroke resulted in him jerking me about and me feeling worse and worse, him feeling better and better, me begging. I begged, he pushed, I cried, he pulled, he blamed me, I caved, he left me. Almost six years later, thinking he is still on the pedestal, he still tries to rekindle things. I hung out with him a few times (strictly platonic) the past year and he looked like the most unattractive and superficial jerk. It was clear as day. I blew him off and then HE wants to know why I never gave him a chance. Ha! The minute I got a backbone, he wanted another challenge. I didn’t even engage. Better, I didn’t care. I have realized that my initial gut feeling about this guy (6 years ago) was right on, but self doubt and internalizing his criticism made me stay way to long. I am learning how to spot these guys, but the harder part is to unravel my own fears, trust myself and resolving self esteem issues that enabled me getting into the crap relationships in the first place. I have moments of standing proud and feeling good about how far I’ve come, but this is going to be a lifetime climb. Seeing my unhealthy pattern was a revelation, now comes the action of changing the insanity. Some beliefs run so deep it is very hard, some days I feel like I can’t or just plain don’t know how to bring about the right changes. I get disapointed in myself. Some days I feel like I’ve unlocked the secret and make a huge step. Each day I try to lay another brick. These posts help me find the right brick when I get stuck, or get me back on track when I’ve knocked a brick off.
Glad it’s not just me; my sentiments exactly:
“Some beliefs run so deep it is very hard, some days I feel like I can’t or just plain don’t know how to bring about the right changes. I get disappointed in myself. Some days I feel like I’ve unlocked the secret and make a huge step. Each day I try to lay another brick. These posts help me find the right brick when I get stuck, or get me back on track when I’ve knocked a brick off.”
Let’s take it easy and hang in there.
I confess I too am guilty of this behaviour… This post is brilliantly insightful…. I have been Sticking plaster girl for over two years to D I put him on the highest pedestal and forgave every hurtful thing he did to me. I just loved him unconditionally or that’s what I kidded myself into believing..recently I think he started feeling a stronger person in himself, and had got over his beloved ex …. probably because of all the emotional massage I’d been giving him on and off at his whim. Other week he told me he thought it best we had NC so that I could feel able to move on without him. After reading this I understand what has happened, he basically feels he can do better than me now and is leaving me behind where he obviously thinks I belong. I have no doubt he will be back when he sees he isn’t really as wonderful as I unwittingly painted him but he will get a shock next time now!! I’ve seen the light thanks Nat x
. How kind of him!!!
You so remind me of someone I know. And the same thing happened to me!
This is a very interesting article. I never looked at what i was doing like this before. I just thought i was a person who if my partner or friends lacked confidence id ty to help them. BUT each time i got shat on in return. All starting to make sense now.
My last relationship was a guy who lacked so much confidence it was a bit scary at times. I pushed him up, constantly helped, gave advice and installed confidence. He went from saying i was too good for him and what did i see in him to leaving me and saying “he had now evolved passed me”
Those words still infuriate me. I work with my x and two years later still to this day this idiot tries to get my attention, needle me , show off and get under my skin and please remember this tool dumped me! While i continue to ignore him and move on with my life. I wonder…. if he is so “evolved passed me” then why am i still such a strong presense in his life that he feels the need to try and upset me or get my attention?
I dont think he is better than me in any way, i think the only truth he ever told was what he said at the begining and that is “your to good for me and what do you see in me” You got that right and thats about all you got right.
For me, this post is the “slap in the face” reality check I needed about 12 months ago. We all eventually learn from our experiences, but you certainly make it easier to understand why we do what we do in relationships. Thank you for the clarity, your advice is invaluable!
Yep, this was me at my pathetic worst.
I had that exMM on a pedestal. His ego was so huge it lit up the Eastern seaboard – from Jacksonville Fl to Maine! Do I feel pathetic? Yes! However, I feel better for having cut him out of my life. He wasn’t good enough for me.
I had the exH on a pedestal for years. He had an affair when we had our first child. He fell off the pedestal and I got hit by realisation.
I have a deep sense of loss at the total waste of time the past years have been.
These men are so not worth it and it is not worth lower oneself by not accepting the truth of who they are – then praising them or making them out to be Gods to receive their love.
Their love is second class, lower grade, crass, rude, dishonest.
My exH should have loved me because I’m awesome. Not because he wanted to control me.
The exMM should have loved me because I was his friend. Not because he wanted a shag and to get off on an ego trip.
No morals both of them, Sad. And I accepted it – that’s sadder!
Leigh
Love your comment: “Their love is second class, lower grade, crass, rude, dishonest.” So true.
But hun we accept things often when we are compassionate, caring, people who have the desire to work at things for a better result for all/both parties… unlike many selfish eu’s & a/c’s.
Now you’re developing into a wiser, smarter & probably sassier lady… so although you can see it as time wasted, I see these experiences as golden opportunties that only the strongest of women have the courgage to face and move on more positively from:-)
Thank you so much for that!
I recently had contact with a girlfriend of mine who said “You’re stronger now.”
I cant’ lose sight of my compassionate side to my nature, it’s part of my make up but it’s not there to be abused. It would be easy to get all negative and cynical but I’m not allowing myself to go there! 🙂
Leigh
Youre welcome 🙂 Yes definitely compassion and empathy are valuable skills/qualities that should be cherished as a sparkling asset. Its a case of choosing carefully who you bestow your gifts on… coz not everyone’s going to benfit… if they dont know what to do with it!! ((hug))
“Hi, everyone. My name is Cindy and I am a recovering assclown addict.” — ROFLMAO!! another amazing post. these are the exact concepts i needed to have today as food for thought. i agree with all the people writing here about what an impact this site has had on me! it has been my therapy too for the last month & half or so, and i credit reading it for helping make huge amounts of progress in healing from my “unrelationship”. a few weeks ago, i even had a couple weeks with literally NO thoughts or feelings about the whole past year of heartbreak. been backsliding lately, but after reading this and thinking about knocking my A/C-EUM off the pedestal deep in my unrelenting mind, i feel stronger. i do need to change my thoughts at the very deepest levels, where that very stubborn inner self who will not let go is still holding on to something — what exactly, i do not know. i just found out an old friend from college passed away, she was only 45, and also some very scary news about the health of a couple friends of friends — i do not have time to dilly-dally, dammit! i don’t know whether i will find someone special who will live up to his promises and want to have a life with me, but life is very short and i must do whatever it takes to get to that place where no one will ever be able to demolish my heart and soul again…
The best post ever! When I met my AC/MM for the first time for coffee, he was trying oh soooo hard, so dressed up,I was like what a dweeb! I actually wanted to hide and slip out, did not find him attractive at all, looks older than he is from the get go. We talked for a while and a few times I told him it was nice meeting him, he kept saying please I like you, please let’s go to dinner which I did, he was charming. felt like we knew each other forever, left me a message by the time I got home telling me what a lovely evening he had. He literally pursued me after, heaven forbid I didn’t answer a text within 10 minutes, he would become upset and “hurt”. Little by little the tables began to turn. One thing I have to say I never pursued him relentlessly, but I do think of him constantly.I broke it off, then wanted him back, he moved away back home anyway, and wanted no part of me, none of his “promised” visits. I have contacted him a few times since he has been gone and he has always been responsive but so what? Once I dialed him from my cell by accident and hung up, and he tried me back 4 time in 2 days (with no message). For some reason, I felt like breaking NC today, it was one of those days when I was idolizing him like an invinsible being on a golden throne. While reading this post though, I began to envision him being morphed into that nervous man I first met for coffee, off his pedestal and let me tell you it felt great! He was who he was, he was who he is, and he is who he is. And he was right to put me on a pedestal in the first place. I will climb back up and not get down for the next man I meet. Thank you , Natalie. You are the BEST!
It’s infuriating reading posts like this that these AC can be needy and clingy and insecure with us and still attract good women..all the things that would drive ‘good’ men away from us..?? Is it simply a double standard? Or are we a ‘type’ that they find security in?
I have been reading this website since January when my EUM broke up with me via email. He decided to rekindle his romance with his ex-girlfriend who was still living with him. I also received an email from her! I felt so alone and stupid for ignoring the red flags he’d been waving the entire time. I made it through thanks to Natalie’s wisdom and that of the brave people who post. I am proud to say I am almost 6 months no contact since receiving their emails, which I did not respond to. I feel stronger and happier each day. Many, many thanks.
Oh my.
Me while reading this post:
Ouch! Ouch. Yup. Uh-huh. Oh yeah. *Shaking My Head*.
and this:
“Look how special I’m treating you even though you’re not that special so you should love me and treat me like I’m extra special too because I don’t think I’m that special either”.
What part of my usually-perceptive-when-not-in-love-with-an-EUM brain, actually believed and thought this was a great idea??
Sheesh. Spot on, as usual, Natalie.
Now, herein lies the rub; I ask myself, how in the world could a lovely, bright, attractive, witty, well-traveled gal go so far off the course for 49 YEARS??!?!?!
And I wonder, even though I am *finally* seeing the light, there is a lot of sadness and fear that at this late age, is it even possible to find someone to have a long-term healthy relationship?
I loathe to sound so cynical, but it is a genuine fear. I am so tired of being alone. 🙁
Mango,
If you have that attitude, you will only attract emotionally unhealthy individuals.
You can find healthy people at any age, and if you approach this with a positive mindset. you will.
Healthy attracts healthy!!!!
Thank you for the reminder, Allison, truly. I needed to hear that. I’ve been in a funk, probably because I’ve been back in touch with my EUM; he’s supposed to call tonight. He called last night but I was able to dodge it.
Time to get back on course and taking care of ME, doing things to feel better about myself and my life.
Natalie you are on a roll! With the really commitment resistant ones, you just can’t win. If they perceive you as having yourself really together and you’ve got his arse on a pedestal, it’ll be “There must be something wrong with her, I can do better.” and if they don’t perceive you as having yourself together (or they have themselves on a pedestal so high it would give anyone else a nosebleed), it’ll be, “She doesn’t have her shit together. I can do SO much better. Plus, if I have the ‘right woman’, all of my issues will disappear! Next!”
I keep reading this site, and yet keep repeating the behavior I’m ashamed of – stuff I won’t admit to anyone else. It’s awfully embarrassing. I’m the FallBack, I’m the Exception, the bum-smoke-blowingest cowgirl in the west. It’s painful stuff. I loved today’s post, it really resonated. I hate how I’ve been chasing the EUM, but with every blog post, I get a little stronger, and this one has helped especially. More than anything, it’s just so nice to not feel like I’m pioneering this weak bullshit behavior. Thanks.
LMAO! This reminds me of the time I was so mad about this lousy biker guy that first led me on and then proceeded to play head games and jealously games at a job I had.
I said to one of my sisters in frustration.. “I can’t even get a biker type looser to want me, or think I’m special at all .”
Note: I would never suggest getting anywhere near a guy on any job either after that, He ended up getting me fired too boot.
Later on in life he saw me on a date and he was with someone and muttered some stuff to us, “Like his EGO could not handle seeing me on a date! and my date was like who’s that? And I totally pretended NOT to know who he was – He was that worthless to my mind by then and I was like I don’t know who that guy was people are just so crazy now days.
I can’t tell you how many times a creep or looser dumped me then showed some anger when I had moved on – ” They really thought I was forever in a rocking chair , That I could not have possibly moved on!
Yes that’s how high I put had put dork wads myself, So high that they didn’t even think I would be breathing again after their departure!
OMG! Natalie, you wrote this for me. My ex boyfriend actually said to me “maybe I can meet someone better” and that “God brought us together so that he would realize that he still has it in him”. To say my self esteem took a hit is an understatement. I have been reading your blogs, and read your book to help me gain some understanding and heal from those words.
Wow. He actually involved a deity in his asshattery b—-assness? The nerve. 😐 His deity must be an asshat too. 😐 (Maybe not, but hopefully you get the point.)
Elizabeth, every time I think I’ve heard everything, someone else’s former assclown leaves me speachless. You are well, well rid of this loser! Spinster is right, this is the definition of asshatery b*tchasness. I dated a guy like this a few years ago. He got a new job (and an even more out of control ego) and said, “I’m probably going to have to look for an upgrade.” I’m so glad to hear that you are starting to feel better and I’m sending you a big hug!
An upgrade? Who the fu*k says that?! Sometimes the inhumanity of people stuns me.
A very sick individual, that’s who! This occurred because he was torturing me over gaining a massive three pounds. Anyway, I was on Fbook looking for a work contact with the same name and lo and behold, who’s picture also popped up? All I’ll say is, I don’t know if he ever got that upgrade, but I do know one thing he did gain…a few extra chins. Karma is funny like that!
That will help me sleep better tonight. Fat bastard.
I know right! This was one of those instances where I gave myself a license to be petty and have a good laugh at his expense 😉
I think the trick is to laugh about that looser, if not now then one day soon, I mean that it’s sooo outrageously ridiculous – he was such a pathetic retard really, No brains, Nothing upstairs, Nada Zilch – clueless. Either that or he was looking to victimize you, Nobody can be that stupid, Can they?
This reminds me of when I was 115 pounds and I had a boyfriend telling me I needed to loose 10 in my @ss, He was always trying to degrade me.
I found out later he dumped me for a plus sized gal so he obviously did just want to see me squirm.
Obviously a lot of smart and attractive women have given their goods to pathetic sociopaths – ” Let us forgive ourselves now and move on to something much better, with brains even.”
Elizabeth,
If it’s any comfort to you the exMM that I was involved with said to me.
“I wonder if I can have two women and get away with it.”
Talk about devalue me. In hindsight I shouldn’t have just “lost it” like I did with him by telling him. “You do that you’ll be in trouble.” At that point I should have served his balls on a silver platter to his wife!
Brenda, I was 110 pounds and my exH called me fat.
I’ve flushed them both!
That’s so hideous, Elizabeth, and, as Natalie would say, it’s not an attitude one develops on the spot, in response to you. That sort of self-centred, taker, ridiculously insecure attitude was there a long time and will almost certainly only get worse with age. As someone who was also verbally slayed by an AC, you’ve saved yourself a world of trouble!
Ladies– I think it takes a while to understand that these horrible comments are coming from a person who feels so crappy about himself that he needs to take it out on YOU. Because none of us would ever say these awful things to another person, it does not register that it is coming from a place of self-loathing. And, odds are we have put him on a pedestal, to boot, which makes it even more confusing. I know I need to develop a “fine sieve”, which means that nothing gets through the filter; no bad comment gets pushed aside. Confrontation is uncomfortable–but it holds these men accountable!!
Elizabeth,
My ex EUM said something very similar to me after a year and a half together…he said “I’m the kind of person who will always be thinking there is something better” when explaining why he couldn’t commit to me. Stupid me, I should have flushed him on the spot but hung on for another 6 months of extreme swings in hot/cold behavior. When we finally did break up, that conversation had haunted me for a long while, causing me to feel so terrible that he left me because he thought he could do better. But as time has gone by, I see that he was being honest when he said “always”. EUM’s will always be thinking this way, regardless of who they are with. While I certainly didn’t help matters by putting him on a pedestal and working so hard to change his mind, unless they change their EUM-ness they will never be happy with what they have.
And it’s not always a case of some’one’ better. My ex EUM split with the alleged ‘love of his life’ to pursue his dream career. His argument being that, if he had given up his dream for her, he might have resented her for ever.
Utter BS of course, because there’s no reason why you can’t persue your dream and a relationship. Most of the world leaders are married after all! These are all just excuses based on insecurity, immaturity and cowardice.
I did the exact same thing you did, put him on a pedestal, and worked so very hard to change his mind. I too wish I had seen this sooner. Thank for letting me know I am not alone and in very good company.
Jab yourself with pride! Wow Natalie thank you! I’ve been so sad because I have been feeling exactly that–even an assclown doesn’t like me? You’re right he’s not that special… there’s nothing good about him , yet I’m upset that six months into NC he still hasn’t called- meaning I wasn’t even good enuff as a back up plan! Wtf? Why should I be an option? HES NOT THAT SPECIAL….. thanks Nat for a timely post… I know that one day I’ll reflect on this past year and be so happy with where I am…baby steps to healing.
Anari
At my lowest points I’ve said that…sometimes I still catch myself thinking that. When like this, I recall a Sex and the City episode where the character Stanford, shot down by an arrogant guy, says “I hate being rejected by someone I’m not even attracted to”. Same feeling, different way to put it; that manages to get me to chuckle instead of mope.
Wow. Another great one.
I’m guilty of doing this with family & friends and, to a lesser extent, in romantic relationships. Over the past 5 years I’ve learned (and am still learning) that the person who I/you thought was Superman or Superwoman or The Big Bad Wolf is just a human being with flaws & frailties… just like all humans.
Natalie, you’ve helped (and are helping) me in many ways. You’re like a supplement to my mentor/counselor/therapist back home. For this I’m eternally grateful. I’m getting teary-eyed at work so I’ll end here for now because I’m not a punk. 😐
Natalie you said:
-“We choose people that reflect our beliefs and when these are negative and unrealistic, we gravitate to those that confirm our beliefs and that we’re ‘not good enough’.”
This goes for friends as well. During my split from my unavailable assclown I had a girlfriend who had been in a similar situation years ago with someone and she was still pining for that person. I thought at the time that her sympathetic ear was so beneficial, but I realise that actually all those conversations kept me “stuck” analysing the assclown’s behaviours for an audience.
A really good girlfriend encourages you to cut your losses, focus on you and to move on quickly doing good n your own life. I would now beware of friends who have their own long tales of assclowns in their life and choose friends with higher self awareness and self esteem.
And do you know what happens next? They feel safe in exploring other options because they assume that should they find that the big wide world is not feeling their ‘specialness’, they have you to ‘fall back’ on because you keep your proverbial door open in the hope of ‘winning’ them.
My exEUM was so sure of this that when he came to visit me for a weekend to break up with me he thought that I wouldn’t mind him going off to explore his other options that he actually gave me a multi chocie break up
A) I could have a normal person’s breakup where you break up and move on with life
B) I could meet up with him once a month for a date and sex
C)I could wait six months while he was running around exploring his options and then he would come back to me if nothing worked out.
Also while we were at dinner and he had finished his speech he asked me if I would like him to still stay at mine that night or if I’d like him to book into a hotel… well I’m ashamed to admit that I chose that he still stay at mine.
We had no further contact until I texted Happy Birthaday to him (shame) which he told me in a later conversation he knew I would text him and though the words weren’t spoken it was like he was saying I knew you’d still blow smoke up my ass no matter how I’ve treated you and that you are still an option for me.
The exEUM is a stand up comedian and when I last saw him (a long while back now) I must have blown so much smoke up his ass he thought me a huge fan and gave me two autographed posters of himself urgh but that act made me see how he sees me as a fan not the friend I thought was being to him.
It was the pattern in our relationship, he’d commit assclown acts and I’d reward them, no wonder I got the breakup speech I did.
It feels so much better to have nothing to do with him and I never thought I’d say those words I was so hooked into feeling bad about myself and having him validate that. I’m not ready to date by any means but at least I’m off the ass clown round-a-bout.
Tulipa, the multiple choice options and the signed poster thing made me laugh till my sides hurt. You’re well shot of him! What an ego on him! You are no longer a member of his fanclub. Join your own fanclub!
Tupila, I literally just about choked on my coffee! Ohmygod, the signed posters. Sweet Jesus. My girlfriends and I were saying last night that we need to right a book with anecodtes of all the idiots we’ve gone out with, shed tears over and ultimately laughed at. It’s going to be called, “WHO DOES THAT?”. Please let me know if you’d like to be included haha!
Love it! We could pool our stories on this site and fill that book in no time. There should be at least one chapter called “Who says that” though. Maybe another one on excuses…A/C’s have some of the lamest excuses I have ever hear…dropped my phone in my coffee, didn’t know egg nog had alcohol in it and before I knew it I was drunk and that is why xyz happened, I may not call you for a while because my mom MIGHT have cancer and if she does, I am gonna need to disappear for a while…
Mmmmhmm! (For the record, I meant to say WRITE a book – haha!) Anyway, we were saying that it definitely needs chapters called “Outlandish Statements and Declarations of Foolishness”, “Excuses That We Actually Believed”, and “Lifetime Originals” (for those that bordered on batsh*t crazy). The excuses are gold – I agree. My ex-AC once made up a fake dead uncle instead of cancelling a date with me like a normal person (I knew in my gut that it was a lie, but decided not to actually, you know, look into it until I’d already taken him back – oy. denial.). I call him Mr. ABC Daytime, because soap operas always have to kill people off to make the plot work.
There should be a chapter called: ‘Do you ACTUALLY think I’m stupid?!’ with all the idiotic contradictions they spew out because their web has become so tangled. E.g – the ex EUM telling me he didn’t text because he ran out of credit, after telling me the previous week he had unlimited texts on his contract. Or when i asked why he’d not responded to my text all day and he said because he was ‘busy’ and then i go onto FB two seconds later and find him logged in. I dumped him then and there – that was the final straw and his 1000th use of that excuse! Busy my arse!
F*&ckin awesome!!! He was going to ask me to come to the club with his friends to watch him dj but his phone died (NEVER INTRODUCED ME TO ANYONE BEFORE OR AFTER THAT DAY), another time…”I HAVE been calling you, I can email you my phone records, your phone must be broken”…no my f&*cking brain must be broken to have accepted this shit…and now my heart is broken because I sent my brain to Miami to play Hi Li while I was dating this prick.
Minky, my Mom always says the same thing – that people who lie constantly can’t ever keep their stories straight! My ex-AC used to contradict himself constantly in “little” ways (note, it’s never “little”, because little lies tell you that there are big whoppers lurking) and why did I not call him on it? Because I didn’t want to embarass him. I mean, he lied about owning a rider mower. Who lies about that?! (This should be a chapter.) Reminds me of an evil version of George Costanza, who once famously declared “MY WHOLE LIFE IS A LIE!”
OHHHH my, an AC once forgot to call me (stood me up) to meet me for a date that we had planned. A few days later, he calls me up with a weak apology, telling me his uncle had killed himself. Which may or may not have been true, he turned out to prove to be a liar about other things.
I have an entry:
A bouquet of flowers on my lawn..! No note..a week after my birthday..Who Does That?
No problem, Natasha, sounds like a good idea.
Here’s a better one: He *decorated* a pair of surgical gloves with little tanks and army men and stupid shit, drawing a little ring on one of the fingers. For VALENTINES day, trying to get back with me after I had dumped his ass for cheating.
I just looked at him from across the table, silent for about 5 seconds and I think I swore at him.
He was 25 at the time by the way.
Not five.
I think that’s when I realized that somethinjg was seriously wrong with him, AND something was wrong with me for picking suck a loser.
I am dead serious, by the way. This actually happenned. I’m ashamed to post it, but it must be said.
“This actually happenned. I’m ashamed to post it, but it must be said.” Annemari, I was dying laughing reading your comments! You are the third woman (myself included) who has commented on this site so far concerning fake dead uncles. Now I don’t feel special haha! One thing I will say for these guys, they do not leave us short of stories.
Hey! I can help too!!!?!?! (Maybe not as much as many people here, but 1 or 2 episodes with any assclown is more than enough.)
If THIS isn’t narcissistic, I don’t know WTH is. 😐 That’s right up there with Elizabeth’s old assclown who said “maybe I can meet someone better” and “God brought us together so that he would realize that he still has it in him”.
No more enabling of this ridiculous behavior, folks. 😐
Thank you, NML, for laughing it has helped me see the funny side too I was amused by the two posters not so much by the choose your own option break up but I can now see it was all tied into his ego and my lack of self esteem and boundaries. Thank you for your straight shooting because I know I’d still be rolling out the red carpet for him.
I think we dated the same guy. Oh my goodness….carbon-copy.
Broken up x 3 months after 1.5 years on Valentine’s Day. One small child involved. His. NC with small child x 3 months. So hard.
No intentional contact with him x 5 weeks
EUMs ego definitely needing a lift as drop overs to my house unannounced and phone calls from ‘blocked’ numbers becoming regular. Boundary
setting comes hard for me in that stern ‘F-off’ shouting kind of way but ignoring him which I am getting very good at is making him try
harder.
I really appreciate this post. When EUM stopped the relationship after being caught texting other women inappropriately I promptly moved out.This was not the first time but third strike-maybe forth. I had fed his ego to a point that he felt above me and the unconditional support I gave him was the worst thing for us. The less he would give me, the more I would give to him hoping to get some crumbs back. All I got was a push out the door. To his surprise after I left, I had no intention of returning. Once his ego released that normal everyday secure women would never provide him with supersized portions, he ran back …. And hit a wall….and he keeps hitting it day and day out… My kitchen of support has closed and even though his attempts are hard to ward off, i know that it is not him missing me, but his starving ego.
I read once that there are x2 types of people. The people that want to grow and self improve and make changes even if it’s hard… And the others whom don’t want to feel uncomfortable and will do whatever it takes to get back to the ‘comfort zone’.
I am doing my best to grow thanks to this site. Nat…. Your a legend!!!!! Xo
Hang in there Nuck Up. You are doing the right thing by picking yourself. He had chances, now he is just the boy who cries wolf.
Y’all being very funny today, even with the tragic tales. Onwards and upwards!
No-ones better than you, whether he’s Brad Pitt squared or the Queen of Sheba x Helen of Troy.
Agreed Grace! I think laughter is one of the greatest reminders that there is fun to be had, joy to feel and a life to be lived after bad relationships.
If I could ever claim one of your posts as “mine” this one would be it. I had major issues with putting the last guy on a pedestal. I did it because at first I thought he was genuinely worthy to be held above the clouds and then I started doing it more and more in order to get the same feeling back from him. It was so unhealthy and imbalanced. The guy was just a confused little boy that had a way with words and I ate it up. So painful to realize what I did with him and my reasons behind it. I learned so much about myself from this mistake. Wouldn’t take it back even if I could.
After almost a year of real soul searching if a guy spun the grass is always greener line and tried to find something better I’d let him go with out a claw mark in his back. I’m in a good place right now where I’m enough for me and if you can do better – go nuts. I’ll be here in my own verdent fields and you won’t be welcome back!
My God! I relate beyond belief! So I recently reconnected with my es from 5 years ago and lo and behold, he’s now dating a girl who used to be a friend of mine as well. She knew all our history and apparently she’s so happy with him, he makes her feel relaxed, normal and carefree! BLAH!!! I mean, this guy was my ALL and I made him feel that way and then he proceeded to treat me like crap. Ignoring me, calling me names, making fun of me in front of his family and thinking I could never do certain things! Mind you, this guys lived with his parents and still does. I’m even going to therapy again because I’m so hurt that he’s dating my old friend and that she’s soooo happy with him! This guy even told me everything was in my head! I thought he would be IT for me, and it turns out I ended in the hospital with a major depressive episode thanks to his belittling me! Thanks Natalie for this blog. Ever since I’ve discovered it, it’s good to know people out there understand you and women have the power to do anything!
Karina….”apparently” is the key word about her being Sooooooo happy with him. I don’t buy it. He’s a loser. If he did those things to you…..he’s doing them to her. She accepts it.
I don’t know about him being the same with her, because according to her tweets and blog she’s sooo happy and carefree with him. I juat didn’t think that after 5 years him dating her would affect me this much. I think I’m more hurt because SHE is dating him after knowing our history.
Tweets and blogs (and Facebook) are just more avenues that some people use to “convince” everyone how great their life is. The more they brag, the less impressed I am, because “methinks they doth convince too much”.
And think about it, does anyone really wanna advertise that their life is crap in such a public way? Not very many. So, you will only hear the edited, polished version of the story. Those avenues serve as our own form of public relations, so most of us will only promote what makes us look best.
Karina,
He’s just not that special – like Natalie says:) Its very difficult in the beggining to see that but you will. Personally I don’t believe they are all happy clappy. But if we were to really believe it I’m pretty sure that you’re version of being happy is alot different to thiers. Surely that’s the kind of happy you really want… not the version that made you depressed.
This article shows how they can think ‘hmmm if I can get away with a load of crap now, i could get away with a load of crap with someone else too, maybe even more crap”.
All you’ve lost is someone who has what sounds like a pretty engrained habit of treating people very poorly.
Now you’re free and on your way up:-)
You are right, he does have a habit of treating people badly. He told me he was with his ex of 2 years before me because he didn’t think he could get anything better and just stuck it out. And then me, and now my old friend. Did I say he also dated my former boss where we both worked and I used to get harasses by her due to that? My story is one that you would only read in fiction books! I just really want to be happy on my own and specially now that I broke up with my boyfriend of one year over the fact that he didn’t want to commit.
I remembered this song the other day and watching the video made me laugh and punch the air. I laughed at his face when he sings “I still love you” and punched the air at her reaction.
Sad to unsad ladies.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H6ZSb5F60R8
KittyS,
Thanks for posting this link. What a great song!
This so hit the nail on the head. When my ex and I broke up, he told me “It’s like it was there, then it was gone.” He might be at a loss as to why, but I can pinpoint it exactly. It’s when I started acting like the person I thought he wanted me to be rather than who I really am. And like Natalie said, he probably started thinking if there were other people out there who didn’t feel like they had to try so hard. It might not have worked out either way, but at least I wouldn’t have spent so much time and energy, and would left the relationship with much more of my dignity in tact. There are plenty of people who like me for exactly who I am, and I need to remember that the next time I meet a possible dating partner. In the mean time I’ll keep improving myself and my state of mind…for MYSELF.
NML You’re definitely on a roll, so many really useful, supportive and totally directional articles.
Thank you so much for helping me to move on from my past. It’s strange to think someone I’ve never met has had such a profound & positive impact on my life, but you definitely have.
“You boost them and exaggerate their specialness because you want them to reflect the effort back to you. “Look how special I’m treating you even though you’re not that special so you should love me and treat me like I’m extra special too because I don’t think I’m that special either”.
I’ve definitely seen myself in this place described. Thank god you have the skill and insight to help free us from these crazy making patterns.
Thankfully I am getting close to that spot where even if my ex professed his undying love and performed like a circus seal to get me back, dont think I’d want it back. He has no personality after all… I’ve noticed, bit harsh but seems apt.
I’ve recently been flirting with a much younger guy, has lifted me up no end! It’s also nice to notice what qualities I like about him and what qualities I’m not so sure on… And even better *Now* have the confidence to either challenge or have a bit of banter with him about things he may say or do. I even had the opportunity to assert my boundaries when he kinda dodged around my electric fence -whilst it felt maybe a bit immature immediately after to get annoied or bit angry -in retrospect it’s great cos I was being true to my feelings and beliefs. How refreshing!!
We still get on great, which is testamant to how sticking to me and my feelings maturely -is not gonna push a decent guy away. But now I also feel more in control of me, the situation, it feels more equal as I stick to who I am more and more. I think he respects me more for it maybe too.
It’s so liberating Natalie. I would send you a Jeep filled with flowers to thank you for helping me to move on.
There are still some EU areas in me that need work. He’s recently told me he’s dating an ex! [so I have to remember to step away from the light and not be an emotional airbag] But I would never get with him one whilst he’s dating anyone & knowing that now and never wait for him either. It’s a friendship but proving a useful training ground! I would now be happier to flirt with other guys who are fully available.
Similar to the start of this article my ex pursued me intensively with calls and texts & got pi**ed off if i wasnt available to respond within his timeframe. Then as I got to the point of FEAR = answering his calls within a few rings to avoid the alternative *grilling* I might get otherwise… now he’d *got* me… so of course at this point I wouldnt be suprised if he’d already moved onto something *better*.
Well I tried very hard to reclaim his love -some of which produced performance anxiety in me. All of my efforts produced his response of ‘what can you offer me?’ question from him (which I’ve said umpteen times before on here) But -it’s a prime example of a guy feeling that I’m not quite up to par and that he’s quite within his rights to see what else he could get. Coz blimey if this girl is prepared to run ragged and run around in circles for me then i could go up a grade in: career/money/looks whatever they think they could get better at.
I know I like many have been concerned that he’d be a better guy with another girl -but his behaviour was so well trained and engrained, such a habit in him (which i saw from the very start -massive red flags chose to ignore). My accpetance of his behaviour and trying to squeeze more attention/affection/relationship from him at the same time as being treated poorly is not gonna make him turn round and think “hmm I really should behave better to produce different results” it makes em think “I’ll have my cake and eat it and I’ve learn a few tricks on how to steal cake bettter, eat it more quickly, & make the cake work for me better (I dont have the skill of analogy like NML -but hopefully you get the drift).
I feel sorry for his kids who could experience woman number 5,6,7 etc. I think he’s wobbling off their pedestals pretty rapidly nowadays!
Incedently a song that really helps me recover from the aftermath of the ex is Katy Perry’s ‘Pearl’ it’s about a guy that wanted to hide her away & shut down her greatness. Might help, it helps me 🙂
To Find True Love is first in oneself, truly finding yourself and loving yourself. If you don’t like the way you are treated, change it.
Writing from Ubud in Bali today and reflecting on life, being single is much better than being in a non mutual relationship. When you love yourself, you will attract a better type of person. I am excited, I have been meeting so many wonderful men lately who are single! Men who are making a difference in the world and are not afraid to stand up and do the right thing.
Love it!
Hmmm Nat, you really made me think with this one. The last guy came across very self-assured and opinionated. He was practically convinced that he is always right, and he insisted he had no time for people who are wrong (=disagree). While I had him on a pedestal, I didn’t even care if he was actually right. Instead of bothering to disagree, I would swoon “I admire your conviction!” Wow was I blowing smoke up his ass! I really meant it early on… It took me a long time to even challenge him enough to test drive the real him. Surprise: his reactions were anything but admirable! I admired him all the way into thinking that he’s the one with all the original ideas… so eventually he got bored with me. Oh well. Had I not fed his ego though, I would have been one of those people who don’t get his greatness that he has no time for. It was no-win for me. Good riddance.
@ Nuck Up:
“Secure women don’t give out supersize portions” … that’s a helpful way to see it.
My long-term ex, whom I eventually left (I totally admit to being EU in that relationship) did way too much for me. I let him and over the years my respect for him didn’t improve, and I’d even say I began to expect most of what I had gotten used to. When I finally decided I’d had enough, I leaned hard on his weaknesses to justify my exit. He was a very kind person, with a lot of backbone in some ways (like work and pulling himself out of childhood poverty), but also EU, the kind of person who in other areas of life goes for unappreciative people (me at the time) and overdoes it, trying to win them over. I saw him do it with his brother and with “friends” who were only too happy to take advantage.
Nice guy. I miss him still sometimes, as he did treat me better than pretty much anyone I went out with. However, it doesn’t mean I think I was the ass who should have stayed with him. I never got to know him as someone with boundaries. I never experienced him as someone whose respect and trust I needed to earn, and I tried to say this, but you can’t teach someone to stand up to your own self.
His attentions were the supersize portions a guy with better self-esteem probably would never give, or at least, would not give unless he was much more confident he was receiving the same abundance in return.
I know I had a lot of growing to do, and I’m feeling the pain now as I work through my own shit. When I think of how I’ve been on the dishing out end of this EU behaviour I know I’m lucky to still have some good people in my life.
For what it’s worth, I don’t think I could have ever started this growth if I still had a guy like my ex treating me like a princess when I was barely behaving like a lady.
And yes, every now and then he still contacts me, but I don’t to get too personal with him because I don’t know for sure if he has curbed his pleasing ways, and I don’t want to risk getting deep enough into his life to really find out. I hope I’m a different person now. But unless he too is different, there’s no point in reconnecting.
Guys who see you as a real person,with insecurities, grey underwear that still supports but isn’t nice to look at,worries about kids, elderly relatives,addiction to cream cheese,sometimes no make up at all,don’t fancy that run in the park when a good film is on,not up to the suspender belt tonight,not up on ‘who is who’ in the cabinet….c’mon…these guys don’t want the pedestal.
These are the guys I want…cos I ‘ve done the other and it isn’t nice.
I declare I step down from whatever pedestal I was on, put myself on in my ego relish, I simply at 45 don’t want the hassle. This is a brilliant post because it reaffirms authenticity. Be yourself, at all concievable costs. I will lose some by doing that but hopefully what I gain is a lot more.
I sometimes think Natalie that I ‘m going a bit off kilter when on this great site because, although I read what everyone is saying and get it, support it, feel sad for it, sometimes can help it…. I don’t want to relate my stories with AC or EUM anymore.
I may come back to it but at the moment it’s parked and I know where it is. At the moment in the context of this article I want to look at choosing me. That means not commiting to anything for a while. It means much reflecting and taking care of me and finding what I ‘m about again.
I know I have some great things, I know I have some bitter angry things. I work hard. All your articles of late point me in the direction of rediscovering me. Thanks
@ Karina
I had a situation with an ex who started dating his now fiance when our relatinship was in the grey area. He’s always been an ass hat to me,but I saw the way he treated other people and how “cool” he was, so I thought I was doing something wrong. And was crushed when he seemed so smitten with this girl. But then after a couple of years the im’s, texts, and drunken declarations began. I couldn’t belileve that after knowing everything that he knew about me, he would treat me so carelessly and disrespect his realtionship. When I finally asked to sit down and talk, he refused. When I drunkenly called him, he berated me for “getting him in trouble” with his girlfriend.” Yeah….I ‘m sure it was one phone call from me that put you in the hot seat. I doubt I was the only person he was contacting….I’m not that special, nor was what we had once I got distance from it. I finally let him have it, told him exactly what I thought, and refused to apologize for it later. (Something I’m pretty sure he expected). 3 months, later, he proposed to his girlfriend. Their wedding is in August, and they do indeed look happy. But I think about the tricky waters she had to navigate and the behavior she had to turn her head from, and the threat of it always happening again, and I’m just not jealous. If that’s the kind of crap I have to deal with to get a ring on my finger, forget it. Don’t let his supposed happiness get you down! You really have no idea what goes on behind closed doors.
This just goes to show you that being a recovering Fallback Girl here on BR is not the worst thing to be. These women who do end up snagging our former AC’s and marrying them, should be called Ostrich Girls, for all the turning a blind eye they must have to do to be in a permanent relationship with these guys.
Thank u Natalie for providing such clarity to a 10-years’ long (yes 10 years!) that I had elevated my MM to pedestal status … all of my doing, he in fact, never said he’d leaver his wife, spelt out what the score was between us, but by the same token didn’t actually provide much support or ego boost for me when I told him over and over how I felt – more fool me for spilling out my thoughts, pouring out my love, and giving out my love-making huh … all my own fault, but I’m not lettiing him off cos he knew how much I cared. Just to point out that we were a teenage long-distance relationship that was never given a proper chance – though we both felt it was “right” back then. That’s how I excuse myself ie was trying to make something out of an unfinished business situation but I will never forgive him for what he was doing ie taking, taking and taking. Needless to say, it was me who called it a day to which he said something as glib as “well, I totally understand cos I have nothing to offer you” – that from him, after him emailing, textiing and arranging meets for almost a decade. Wake up time eh? x
Thank you Spinster, Natasha, Brenda, Leigh, and Elle for your replies. You have no idea how much I needed to read your replies.
The words I wrote were coming out of the mouth of a 50 year old man, and I use the word man, lightly. When I told him those were the most hurtful things anyone has ever said to me, he just shrugged his shoulders. When I read your replies, my first thought was “what was I thinking”? No healthy adult male with above a double digit IQ would be so careless and heartless in their choice of words. Those words were coming out of an unhealthy man child (EUM, A Clown) and instead I internationalized those words, believing I wasn’t good enough.
In retrospect, after reading Baggage Reclaim, I realized I saw red flags. We had been in a “un relationship” for a year and a half.
I’m still a work in the healing progress department but I have made so much progress. I don’t know if I will ever find that special man, but I know I’ll be okay as a single. I never want to revisit that dark hole of an “un relationship” again.
Natasha, thank you for the hug:)
Anytime. 🙂
But wait a minute, he was FIFTY years old? As in 50? 😐
So with FIFTY years on this planet, his “God”/”god”/asshat deity hadn’t made it so that “maybe I can meet someone better”? What deity would be so cruel as to visit that AND him upon you? And why would any deity “(bring) us together so that he would realize that he still has it in him” at 50? Shouldn’t he realize that he “has it” already, or is he that much of an insecure baby that he has the confidence level of a teenaged boy with pimples & whiskers masquerading as a moustache?
Why am I even asking (rhetorical) questions about a boy in a man’s body? Sigh. My brain cells can’t take it this morning.
Don’t internalize ANYTHING from this fool. Be glad that he left you. You’re much better off for it.
I’ve come back to read this post again and again and for me it is the best and most pertinent. And goodness knows there has been so much I have related to and learned from on this site.
I went to look at one of the related posts “How to cope with being the other woman” which was probably the search that brought me to this site in the first place. Not sure as it is only a few weeks but an emotional lifetime ago. That led onto another link about breaking up with a married man. I found the comments on there recognisable, heartbreaking and frustrating. I could relate so much but just wanted to shout go NC because that is when it starts getting better.
Yes it is hard to start with but the benefits kick in more quickly than you would think. Clarity of thought, perspective, forgiveness of yourself, self-esteem, and running life to your own agenda are all wonderful and the minimum we should expect for ourselves.
I’m not sure at the beginning I really understood what NC was properly. I wasn’t going to contact him and was proud of the way that I ended things with dignity. However I still had saved emails, checked his family blog (family blog…I checked..FFS!) and had his details saved on my phone and laptop. For goodness sake on a daily basis I was even reading his horoscope, my horoscope, his wife’s horoscope and the horoscope of the other woman I thought he was also sleeping with (had to do some Facebook stalking to work out her birthday and I think being able to recognise the ridiculousness of doing that for someone who was NOT THAT SPECIAL might have been the thing that finally pulled me up).
First I deleted all the emails, then I deleted all details in my accounts on my phone and online. Then I told my closest friend at work that if his number comes up or there is a withheld to screen for me.
I don’t want him at all now but I have no regrets either. I needed to hit my rock bottom in assclown addiction and the relationship needed to play out the way it did to get me to where I am. I’m 45 and have never had a relationship where either I was not emotionally available or the other was not. It has taken me such a long time to get here but I’m happier than I’ve ever been. That means that happy to be single. Which now means to me being a complete entity and not half a person waiting to be completed.
If I meet someone then fine…
How does one gracefully decline when he comes back? I have been ignored for the millionth time in my “relationship” and after reading this website for a week I am convinced that I do NOT need to return to Mr. Unavailable when he texts me (yes, he doesn’t even give me the decency of a phone call). Basically, how do I break it off for good? I have already not called or texted him, no emails, nothing. I know he will come back, he always does when it seems like I am moving on. He always disappears when I am going through a crisis (surgery, being laid off from work is the most recent one) yet he is ALWAYS there for people he either barely knows or has professed hatred for–but he LOVES me? I’m DONE and I do not know how to say ‘No thanks!’ without being emotional. Little help?
The reason this article in particular struck a chord with me is because when we first started dating 4 1/2 years ago, he was painfully shy, a virgin (he was 26 and I was 30) and I thought that his shyness was adorable. Then the truth came out–he is far more mean than shy–he has done despicable things, said awful things and because I thought there was something I did wrong, I stuck it out. I thought his family and friends left him alone because they were cruel–no it’s quite the opposite. He has promised me that he and I will live together, start a family and in the NEXT breath proclaim how much he hates people and how he doesn’t care about dying and welcomes it?!? Seriously, he is messing with my mind and I DO want to have a baby (I am 34 now and my clock is ticking) but I know for a fact that he is unstable and will never EVER live up to all the things he promised. NEVER.
After reading the posts, I realize that I have contributed to my own suffering by allowing this to go on…and on..AND on…
The second I convinced him that he is not ugly and is a great guy, I got tossed under the bus. The second another woman told him he was cute, she became SO much better than I was in EVERY way–only for him to come dragging back to me when he read too much into the compliment. This really blindsided me because we spent a romantic weekend together and I thought things were going great–until he got home, started a fight and hasn’t said a word to me in 5 days now–as if he is punishing me for questioning why he runs so hot and cold. I look back at our weekend getaway and realize that I DIDN’T have a great time. He didn’t want to do anything together outside of the hotel room and didn’t even have the decency to walk me to my vehicle. The really sad part is this is a long distance relationship; he lives 700 miles from me and he makes it seem like a chore to even talk to me on the phone. Now that I got that venting out of the way (sorry!) I would just like input on how to word this correctly. I have found that sharing my feelings do NOT matter to him. He could care less. Do I ignore him? I don’t want to leave any avenues open for him to weasel his way back into my life again because I love him dearly, but I have to learn myself more.
Nadia, you’ve put up with enough nonsense already. He is clearly a lost cause, so why not just ignore his crumbs? 700 miles. Let’s remember these people are supposed to be grownups. They do know that their behavior is unacceptable, and at minimum they half expect the consequences anyway. I do have a feeling that the cold treatment is designed to force the other party to make a move. If what this guy is doing doesn’t amount to intentionally pushing you away, I don’t know what does!? If you would prefer to skip the drama and drop it, let him have what he’s asking for in his passive aggressive way.
Thanks, cavewoman
His “yo-yo” game has gone on far too long. I was really supportive of his moving 700 miles away to finish training for his job and he claims he was coming back as soon as it is done. I refuse to kiss his behind anymore and stroke his ego…no more begging and pleading. I have decided to ignore any future attempts at contacting me. I am 7 days strong into this…I do not want to start over again because I know in my heart of hearts he will pull this over and over. He’s already done it over 100 times and that is most likely giving him credit. I am ready to either be the 100% to someone else’s 100% or nothing at all. No more backburner Nadia!
Thank you so much for the morale boost! 🙂
“Even if they won’t admit it, they likely know that you see far too much potential in them and are not seeing them in reality, because if you did, you’d have hit your flush handle.The more you keep loving, giving, morphing, accommodating, believing, hoping and even chasing them for attention, affection, love, and validation, is the more you pump them up and inflate their ego.”
Ok – all your articles are fantastic. But this one really hit a chord for me. I loved this guy in HS, I even have a bummed ankle from 1980 that was due from trying to be with him. For years it was just the ankle that was messed up from having this major crush on a guy in HS and then……. 28 years later he looked me up. Couldn’t believe he even remembered me. I blew so much smoke up his bum and he…… did he same to me (only I meant what I said …..he on the other hand did NOT). The problem was I really did believe he was all “I believed” and all “he said he was”.
I have not even finished the article…. as it struck such a chord. He has now proceeded to move on from me and move his way down the line of HS girls “that just loved him”. I think he really believes that if this girl from 28 yrs ago still really liked me….. I will just check then “ALL” out. Talk about shallow and ego – yuck!!
Natalie,
My ex dumped me in February. I broke NC once only in March, by playing with fire by drafting a text in my phone and managing to hit send without thinking, then apologizing and asking him to forget it happened, but he’s managed to keep communication going on and off for three and a half months, whether it’s trivial like something he needs to return (most of these things he mentioned weren’t mine at all and obviously not because we were only together for a month) or his latest attempt at being friends (“It bothers me that we can’t be more amicable.”) He hasn’t let me move on; and in the meantime I know I’ve idealized him. Reading your blog keeps me strong and every new entry gives me further tools and knowledge so that I know how to respond- or not respond- to each of his communications (at this point I have told him that I deleted his number, he texted then called after that later to “return flip flops,” again not mine, and a dvd, one week then the next, and then facebook chatted me, all lazy communication, so I know it’s not like he wants me back). This post is possibly the most important one I could’ve seen. I DID that. No wonder he wanted to move on to the next challenge so quickly. I saw him as my saving grace; I don’t know that I could’ve known to act any differently when I first met him because he was my first love and really did change me for the better (until the dumping of course)- or I felt like he did at the time. Where other girls gave him crap for his immature or outright obnoxious behavior, I made excuses and blamed myself. No wonder that after his latest rant about how miserable a person he was he ignored my communications for three days then dumped me. I’m not saying this post made me stop loving him; that will only change with time, and maybe if he listened this time to my plea for him to go away, space; but it helps me know that I’m making the right decision in not being friends with him, and not communicating. Even if I still feel like I need him, I can’t act like I need him. He needs a good shove off the pedestal. For example, the night after our first kiss, a huge deal for me, he drunkenly went all the way with another girl, whom he admitted he thought he might’ve had feelings for at the time. Also, texted his ex in front of me; I didn’t say anything, one of his female friends had to pull him aside and tell…
Oh dear ….damn that pedestal…. can’t believe I was so blind sided …by his wit and enormous c*** …..my ex EU told me he hadn’t had a relationship for the 2 1/2 years since his wife left him for someone else as his self esteem was shattered ….and his confidence…..but oh I was so so special that he had let me in….and I had given him his confidence back…..or did he mean mojo back …. yes his wife did leave him for someone else…..BUT …get this I found out he’d been sleeping with his wifes sister !!!…. he forgot to mention that !! I also assumed his sisters must be awful to have stayed friends with his ex wife and not speak to him anymore ” they are dead to me ” he said….maybe it wasn’t the sisters that were awful …..maybe they just knew how awful a character he was ….??
I also put up with his cancelling dates at the last min ( always something to do with his grown up kids )…. and excused it with what a ” good father ” he was ….Duh….he forgot to mention that he was a coke head for much of their childhood…a drunk…and now he is just a walking wallet …” good father ” ?????……… good for nothing morelike…….so why as I read back through this truth about him …am I still struggling with NC….??? Answers on a postcard ….
NML, how about an article (if you haven’t written one already) about, “What is it we think we really miss about him? Struggling with NC”, lol. Deciding to get real with myself and sitting down and writing out the reality of him was a turning point in NC for me.
Was it the special way he would ask me if we could reschedule a date (finding out later he had double-booked women and preferred the other to me)?
Maybe it was the tone of his voice when he said, “I have a lot of other things I’d rather be doing than spending it with *you*” when I asked for more time with him.
Maybe I miss being told “not in October” when I asked about getting together with him soon (after 2x/wk regularly), so he could spend time with his long distance r’ship women who came into town to visit (who knew nothing of me…or probably of the other 4 women in town he was dating). Ugh…so-called ‘polyamory’…never again.
Or the special moments of revelation and sharing…”I foresee a problem…it’s confusing about how to relate to the girls in your house (teenage friends of housemates – ExEU is 45). I know at least 2 of them were attracted to me and I could have had them, but I didn’t want to de-stabilize our relationship.” Oh, yes, I thought that was special, I did.
Sex on his terms…so endearing. And the books on “game” he carried around in his backpack, because, he told me, “I would rather be the manipulator than the delusional.”
What was it that I missed again? What is it that I think I want to invite back into my life?
He Is NOT That Special…tru dat
Hi Sunshine,
Maybe it is that you don’t miss him at all but think that you do because that way you get to avoid looking at yourself and the issues that need addressing in your life, maybe you still feel you need to be treated in that way beause it is what you are familiar with and can’t possibly see yourself been treated well by someone.
I find the less I think about him and more about what needs addressing in my life and changing my beliefs the less desire I have to contact him than if I am simply thinking about him and his issues and thinking I can fix him while I dont have to do a thing about myself.
Part of it could also be that you still want to be the exception to the rule and win him over which from what I have read in your post would be a disservice because you are so much better than a man who had proved to you in many ways he is an assclown.
I think you hit the nail on the head, with this = “you get to avoid looking at yourself and the issues that need addressing in your life.”
That is the only way I can see my past “fake” relationships as having been, I don’t miss anyone from my past, and actually wish I could get a lobotomy to forget them.
I mean there were only two that don’t wanna make me puke, One I was married to and we were both just too young but can talk today like mature adults, he’s happily remarried, grown up, and I am happy for him – And one was an online friend I met while marketing, But like an @ss I started to want more with, Lives over seas and don’t want to start a relationship but was not a total creep either, not at all, making it harder for the NC situation but has to be done since I was the @ss that allowed myself to want more, and wasn’t really clear on things for him either.
But yeah it’s a nice way to avoid having to face your own demons.
Wow, Tulipa…that’s quite a totally inaccurate analysis!
I broke up with him because I knew I deserved to be treated better. Prior to Nat’s site, I didn’t really understand that I was being treated so poorly because my whole life, from before birth even, was one long event of normalized bad behavior. I really had no idea anything else existed.
My point in sharing my experience was, that I realized I was “missing” him because my thinking was distorted. Most of what Natalie points out in her articles is how our thinking is really really really effed up. I thought I was missing him, and when I sat down and got real about it, I was missing an Imaginary Him, a Him that only existed in my mind. The real Him was an arrogant, emotionally immature manchild who had a limited repertoire of seduction, and nothing else to offer beyond the “catch” phase. The Imaginary Him, was that guy who was so super sweet to me those two or three nights out of 7 months of pain and confusion. He was never real, and I realized when I put pen to paper and got honest with myself, I was missing someone who never existed and who TOTALLY was Not That Special.
I see that a lot in the comments, we MISS him, we WANT him back! And what we really miss is that one time…a week after we first met, when he was so nice…or we miss that guy that we were sure he would be one day if we only just….. and we end up struggling with NC because we are missing someone that doesn’t exist.
Sunshine, thank you. Wise words miss, yes it is amazing what we can manufacture up in our little minds….pining over the illusion of them and what they are offering…then one day you can’t actually pin-point what it is you miss about THEM because most of the time it’s been take, take take! No wonder they miss us though, selfish so and so’s.
I totally think I dated this guy, he said the same things. Also said to me (like you) “I know at least 2 of them were attracted to me and I could have had them” – I didn’t know what to say to that and just said “They told me you had personal hygiene issues” (which they did) and then that shut him up. Horrible man-child.
Hi Natalie
Your ‘pedestal’ article is very timely. I was NC with my ex for 9 weeks. I changed my number and was on the road to recovery thanks to your emails and your Mr Unavailable ebook. However, two weeks ago my ex contacted me at work. He was over the top with his compliments, wanted my number, told me he had never missed anyone as much as he missed me and that he loved me. He told me he wanted to discuss any issues we may have in the future and that I shouldn’t allow him to treat me badly. I resisted giving him my number, but told him I would drop around to see him; as he has been recovering from a serious illness. Well, I ‘fell off the wagon’ and we got back together, as I believed what he was telling me. This week I made the mistake of admitting to him that I had missed him too, still had feelings for him and wanted to work on the relationship. Since, I made these statements I have not heard from him for 3 days. I called him and then texted him this morning and asked if we could talk about it. His response was “sorry your text scares me”. Thanks to this post, I recognise the pattern. Whenever I have reciprocated his feelings, he disappears (because he obviously thinks he can do better) and then reappears when he needs an ego boost. Thanks to your blog Natalie, I now see his response as a gift. As, I have absolutely no intention of contacting him again. I know I will never entertain the possibility of reconciliation with him. I’m now re-reading your NC emails to re-build my confidence and resolve. Thanks Natalie your blog is a lifesaver, keep up the wonderful work. love Lily
Jaysus Lily, your ex has pulled a real fast one on you there. The danger warning for me was when he wanted you not to let him treat you badly instead of coming into this behaving himself. You’re right that he’s given you a gift and never give him the opportunity to whistle in your direction never mind flake out on you, ever again. Flush! Hugs xx
Hahaha thanks Natalie….i believe he’s riding a wave down the ‘s’ bend as we speak. Lily oxox
Natalie,
I am not kidding when I tell you that your insights have contributed to my sense of self-esteem. I was raised by a dad who is basically illiterate and I was smarter than him by the time I was about 10 years old. He took credit for my excellence in school (“MY daughter is smart!”) and made it very clear that I should not think I was “all that”. When I came home from school excited about something I learned, he would say, “Who do you think you are? Einstein??” I learned to believe that I was not “all that” and when a man found me intimidating I played small to get love.
When I found your blog I was with a man younger than me who had bad self-esteem and he took it out on me. But, thank god, I GOT IT. I have been NC with him for 5 months (because of reading BR)and last night he texted me that he missed me. I deleted his text.
It’s about me now. I am determined to heal and in that healing, find a man who will love me for everything that I am.
Thank you, again.
Healing One,
You just gave me a ton of inspiration. I, too became determined after reading this site. I wish I had found it sooner–wait, no I don’t I believe I found it right on time.
Thank you all SOOOOO much!
~Nadia 🙂
@Happy Girl
You are so right! Everyone just tells me to move on an get over it which I am doing but at my own pace. I should just stop the comparisons between her and myself and see that I was not willing to settle for a men with no ambitions, pland and no care for me. I mean this guy said I was trying to manipulate him when I said I love him! Now he’s with a girl that used to be my friend and reminds me of myself at that age and she’s happier with him than I ever was. But I realizrd I want more! Is that wrong for me to want more out of a relationship?
Thank you again for getting to the heart of things. I’m in this very situation and struggling to pull myself up/out!
Great advice and insight re: self-esteem issues matched w/an over-inflated ego counterpart!
Thanks Alysee – stay the course. You will get past this.
Wow I definitely needed to read this! Probably more than once! It describes me 100% I got dumped 3 months ago and have been “clinging” to the hope that he will take me back. We have talked a few times but I have heard through the grapevine he is seeing somebody else. I was devastated but have now realized that the awesome relationship I thought we had was really not that great. And me holding on was just holding me back. Things happen for a reason and I guess I just need to move on. thanks for the great articles!
Wow. Yes, I’ve been guilty of doing this.
Usually with guys who are immature, selfish, and lack self confidence.
Am I hoping in some twisted, desperate way that my kind words and support will encourage them to be the wonderful people that I *know* they *are*?
I lack a lot of self-confidence and deep down inside I don’t see how anyone *normal*, attractive, relatively well-adjusted and consistently loving could want me over the long haul.
This totally happened to me is my most recent relationship. I felt sorry for this man..he seemed like he had zero self esteem. So I thought I would try to build him up with endless compliments…it became a huge problem..he started strutting around like he was king of the world hitting on every woman that walked his way. He has turned into a major creep! My suggestion is only concentrate on yourself in a relationship, otherwise you will lose yourself in someone else! Now I am trying to get my self esteem back!
Gosh, this is so funny to read today! I had got myself into a ‘non-relationship’ with a very unavailable and messed up man, thought I could make him want me by amping up his ego, telling him he was so much better than he is, etc. etc., then one day find he is sneaking around behind my back on dating websites trying to find ‘someone better’, even had the nerve to admit it and say he’d like to continue seeing me with no commitment while also trying to meet other women too, ‘in case there was someone better out there’. This from someone who started out by telling me I was way out of his league and selling myself short by being with him. Why didn’t I listen? A year later, after so much heartbreak, wondering why I’m not good enough and why he doesn’t love me even though I have done so much for him and been there for him through all his issues, I finally realise where I am going wrong and am so glad I read this today. I feel like I helped to create a monster! And what you say is so true, I did not need to exaggerate what a great guy he is, I did it in the hope he would do it in return to me, make me feel special too at a time when really my confidence was at rock bottom (had just left a job and a relationship and felt like the biggest failure in life when I met him). I have to ask myself is there an element of flattery and manipulation there, that us women are trained to do to attract and keep men that are maybe not in our best interests? My time would have been better spent not dating at all and getting my own life and self-confidence back on track but instead I thought obsessing about a barely there relationship with an EU man would do the trick instead! Am now finally able to let him go, give up trying to make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear and get back to reality. Thanks for this post and the ‘get real’ words of wisdom that I needed to hear.
This is my first time I’m posting here. Natalie THANK YOU. I found out about this blog when I was starting to sense that my exEUM is freaking out. It started with “I feel good about us but not about me” and a talk “it’s not you, it’s me” after 6 month of fast forwarding with all the special treatments, flowers, hand written letters, email love letters, wining & dinning, even took me to Paris for Xmas and I had to meet and meet all his friends and family… never leaved me not 3 hours without a XXXX text or a phone call to tell me how much he loves me and (all ready) misses me. (when I told him I need some time for myself and focus on work he had an optional idea I just couldn’t resist! he just wouldn’t leave me to breathe. I didn’t know I was with a future faker as I thought and also FELT he really fell in love like he never did before in his life and after being single many years being ready to settle in. I was in Heaven, putting him on pedestal A LOT, of course. There was red flags of him being controlling, he was insecure and jealous for stupid reasons but we talked about it and he seem to got it and trying to be a better self. I was boosting his ego big time all the time because he had moments of being depressed but still treated me like a princess almost all the time. Even proposed for moving in together and wanting to meet all my family and friends etc. … slowly down the line the last month I started to feel a bit less confident just because I was not getting any new work (I’m an freelance artist) as I was spending so much time and energy on him.
Nevertheless, ups and downs, future faker was slowly freaking out. But here comes the part I feel pound about my self – I know I would never be able to do this with such grace without wisdom of Natalie because I was madly in love with him at the time he starting to act strange and I would not know how to react. So I was reading and reading about this EUMs and realized that I have the case here and I predicted what it could happen. Still, no big problems, despite our little issues we both were dealing with: we had in overall a great time. The understanding, the friendship, sex, intimacy etc. So one night he comes over and we have an usual love birds nesting dinner-movie-cuddling situation when I saw his “poker face” and I popped the question. “What is it that you want to tell me? Please, TELL ME THE TRUTH, i will handle it.” So he told me “he’s scared, he thought the desire would last forever and he just don’t believe in relationships, i guess etc.”
I was being understanding and asked if he’s saying that I am not “The One” anymore, and he was just silent. From that moment on I told him “Thank you for being honest and of course you know I don’t want to be with someone who is scared and obviously doesn’t sees the future with me” He didn’t really resist, just said “it doesn’t have to be like that, i do love you, i really do, we can still be…” I said “NO, I will not settle for less than you were promising me all this time now.” So he said he understand, he dressed and left the house, and I knew that was that. I went NC from that moment on, he contacted me after 1 month from that, didn’t picked up of course, he left quite a pat-ethic sounded voicemail “He would like to take news from me, If i would like to go for a drink with him, i can fell free to call him…” OF COURSE I DIDN’T AND I NEVER WILL. The break up happened 3 months ago and although I must admit I still often think about the good times we had, I know in my heart that HE IS NOT THAT SPECIAL and I will never called him back.
Thank you Natalie.
Goga
Love it. So pleased that you didn’t settle for his crumbs. As it is, six months isn’t too bad, it could be so much worse. The earlier we get out of these dodgy situations the better. It’s not just the wasted time, the more damaging part of it is the erosion of self-esteem.
By the way, “it doesn’t have to be like that” is what the MM said when I told him that us having an affair would unleash hell.
It’s spooky how they all trot out the same cliches.
I just want to thank you. Your site has been a tremendous help to me.
OMG..RFLMAO at Tulipa’s post about the options. These kind of guys are such jerks no wonder we don’t see it coming ! It’s no surprise that many reasonably well educated sane women like ourselves don’t realise men like this exist until we encounter one.I too have heard the my phone died, I lost my phone story too.Mind you whenever I was in his company that damn phone never died , nor left his hand most of the time. And yes I agree the minute they realsie that you aren’t giving them attention..they are on the prowl to get back in the door.Once back in the door,and after getting a feed, meaning their ego stroked and making sure you still care for them WHAMO…they are off , using the attention and feel goods you gave them about themselves, as a remedy to attract other women . They take your kindness to them and use it as a weapon against you. Any self respecting decent human being, be it male or female would never do that to another.The people who do this kind of stuff …are nothing but poor excuses per real emotionally mature men and women. I think the most hurtful part of it all is , we on the receving end ..until we learn better , feel humiliated and embarrassed as if there is something wrong with us. Because these EU clowns are experts in ambigous behavior , and worse still at conveying ambivalence, the minute they know they’ve hooked you back in again. One thing I do know though , we do move on..they are stuck , and they never experience any long term decent relationships.So in the end..the real glory is ours not theirs.
Hope this isn’t going off topic, in referenc eto some earlier posts , I have a suggestion what to a name of a book should anyone ever decide to write one.
” It would be a lie , if I told the truth “
I am so happy I cam across your blog. It’s funny because I just started doing this…as an extreme opposite of how I behaved in other relationships. In the beginning I set boundaries..I let a guy pursue me, no sex before 3 months, let them contact me first, be happy and fun. only once I am attached/commitment in place, then my insecurities would show up but I would then get demanding, argumentative, etc….In this new relationship, I acted as I normally do, setting boundaries…and the guy told me I was playing games and walked away… just disappeared. I didn’t think I was…just not giving in to sex, not committing so quickly…I thought it was my fault. I really liked him, saw great potential…so I reached out nonchalantly and asked him to meet to talk because I was sorry and felt we had a great connection on many levels. I let him get away with this poor behavior of disappearing and make me believe it was my fault! I gave him carte blanche to do the disappearing act on me AGAIN!
when we first met after two weeks he told me he was so happy to meet and admired my confidence to pursue him and also said that he felt the same and knew we would get together again (despite his disappearing…he needed space to think and was confused and that to him we hadn’t broken up, despite him updating his dating profile and not contacting me for over two weeks!? Really, how stupid could I be…yet I let that behavior slide… b/c he let me believe it was my fault and he was scared and has trouble trusting women..being cheated on…twice. I shared my vulnerabilities and fears and told him I do want to be committed eventually but scared too. he seemed so happy that I was open and vulnerable. I wanted this relationship to work no matter what. I was going to show him much I appreciated him and how I loved how intellectual, and intriguing and intense he was. I was not going to be demanding. I told him how he was such a great writer and how despite my normal aversion to chasing a guy I wanted to fight for us… because I really liked him and knew it was worth fighting for. how amazing it was for him to be published and spent a year overseas… I was never like this before… and…just the day before I never heard from him…had told me amazing things about me..talked about the future..and disappeared once again, no word updated dating profile. NO MORE. I am so glad I didn’t sleep with him.
I am so grateful I found this site and NML. How wise she is. I kicked my AC to the curb 4 days ago. Put him on a pedestal? Boy did I ever. Even told me he was a nobody but I treated him like a God. Makes me cringe. Saw him 4 times in threw months (I was always so grateful). The kicker came when last time we had sex he bolted out on me so fast the sheets weren’t even cold. Told him that Nd he said hey I bought you flowers and I spent 45 minutes talking to you (like I should be so grateful). Told him to take whatever great gift he thinks he has and give it to someone else. Told him not to reply back to me, but he did saying he was sick of the rollercoaster ride I’m giving him. What a joke. I was the one on the ride. Never replied back and won’t. What an AC – but not mine anymore. Day 4 of NC and going forward FINALLY!
FinallyDidIt, I am trying to do that after 4 years on a roller coaster ride myself. I hope I have the strength and fortitude to be like you. If one of my friends told me she was going through what I am going through, I would tell her to leave the jerk. So why is it so hard to do when it is me in that position? NO amount of sacrifice, attention, love, ego stroking is enough for these ACs to commit. It only serves in creating a monster who thinks he is entitled to all the perks with none of the hard work and giving. I am so happy for this website and that you are getting away from your AC. Thank you for the inspiration to do what I need to do for my son and for myself.
I am going through a break-up with EU/AC. I have spent all day crying and packing while he went to visit friends and watched soccer on tv. After breaking up with me and returning into my life with the assurance that this time he was serious about being with me forever and even marrying me, he now feels trapped and doesn’t want to get married. All this after I again blew sunshine up his tush, helped him with all his problems, ran myself ragged for him, and fattened him up. In return for all this, he flirted with a younger woman on fb while with friends, told me he couldn’t divorce his wife in Mexico because she started to cry and it made him feel bad, told me his ex-girlfriend in Mexico and mother of one of his 5 children couldn’t know he was with me because she might become upset and not let him talk to his son or accept the money he sends her, told one of his other sons on fb that I was just one of his many girlfriends, called his cousin in Mexico to change his password on his fb account when it was me who introduced him to fb and set it up for him, and rarely had time to be intimate with me. And yet I am stunned that when I stood my ground and told him that he had to give me my place since I have been there for him as a “wife” in every way without any of the recognition or respect or the relationship would end, that he told me that he was fine with ending it. What is wrong with me!? Last time he left me as I was starting my new career and that affected me so much emotionally that it caused me to eventually lose my job and my career. Even my poor son told me that I was being played again. Sad when a 13 year old has more sense than me at my age. I am grateful that I found this website today. I need all the help and strength I can muster to leave this man and never look back! I have resolved to change my phone#, block him from my fb, and leave him to way to contact me after I leave the STATE where I live now. Pray for me and thank you again.
Ltg2011: Believe me, I know how difficult it is. I gave this man more than he deserved (though he’ll never see it). The AC red flags were all there but I chose not to see them all the while hoping that if I just show him how much I love him he would realize what a great catch I was and would love me back. Never happened – only got worse. He had no respect for me (no surprise-my self-esteem and self-respect was ZERO), would disappear for days/weeks after telling me he wants to spend more time with me, would wait days before answering my calls and when I did see him it always ended in sex (booty call?). Never stood with me after sex. In fact he never touched me afterwards – just left. This is behaviour from a man who told me that he treats women very well. Go figure. Also found out he was married about 10 years ago – never told me, but why should he. Divorced? I don’t know. So, does it hurt right now? Yes,
but I can say this. It hurts a whole lot less than
it did when I was putting up with above. Trying to work on me now. I’m bruised and it’s going to take a whole lot of work to repair the damage I allowed him to do but I’m determined because I want to smile again and mean it. Hang in there. You are not alone and remember to love yourself.
Nat,
I love your posts. I am so lucky to have found this site. Would you believe I found this site 6 months ago when my now ex EU was acting up. But now is when I am finally understaning its time to move on and stay gone. I now understand I was with an EU. We had been through a rollercoaster relationship. He would do disappearing acts then come back strong. I got fed up. in january i left him doing your No contact. he came back begging, sending gifts every day for 2 weeks, emails letters he couldn’t call me since I changed my phone number. After his relentless puruits for almost a month and half, I agreed to talk to him. and took him back ON MY terms that THERE WOULD NO longer be sex before marriage. Which he agreed to although mostly kicking AND screaming. He would complain BUT I STOOD Firm. No sex that was the term. I knew that unless I did this, he would use me again. from march until june had been mostly blissful, and we talked about marriage again. I had already met his family in the past, we even made plans for an engagement. BUT NO RING. June it had been 1.5 years (minus the one month or so we were apart). But I noticed he was very wishy washy, ambigous about every thing else but only passionate and sincere when it came to admitting he wanted sex. he didn’t want to look at rings, he kept saying he was working on things, but NO sign in sight. he kept me out of private affairs, kept stuff from old Gfs, stopped planning dates in advance, started wanting last minute dates and almost pleading for sex. So I withheld it with a vengeance and shut the door on many hard ons LOL. even when we made out, I still never went all the way. In the mean time, I kept asking where our relationship was headed. when I noticed he was still ambigous I would pull away and he would in turn come closer. But I began to see the dead end of this relationship approaching, I sensed the end, and started to focus on me. From march/April until now I lost 40 pounds with strict dieting, went back to church and spent less time with him and more time with family and friends. I feel hot and great! I knew that last time I was scared of dating others because I didn’t feel pretty anymore. I had gained weight after meeting him, but at 158 pounds I wasn’t scared anymore.
The end came this july, he had planned a mystery vacation for us that first week, and I thought…could this possibly…