Following on from part one and two…
21. Men, well assclowns and Mr Unavailables certainly, have fairy tale ideas too. They build sandcastles in the sky and are seeking perfection and the moment that something pierces that ideal, they go off the boil and retreat to cold or lukewarm temperatures of behaviour. They believe that if you are special that things will be different and this is their yardstick for everything and their total avoidance of recognising their own contribution into relationships.
22. Part of the reason why Mr Unavailables, assclowns, and in essence ‘boundary pushers’ push for more from you, especially in the early stages of the relationship, is on the surface, they want you to prove your love for them. Unfortunately it’s a trap because in proving that you’re willing to go along with whatever they’re proposing, you inadvertently send some messages about yourself, and, their own issues means that if you go along with this, it sets of their panic buttons and they will blow cold or lukewarm to back away from any expectation created. And blame you.
23. If you imagine that emotionally unavailable people and assclowns have a ‘reset button’, you can start to get your head around why they blow hot, why you think things will be different each time, and why the dots in the pattern of behaviour don’t get connected. Many of us (and them) start over ‘afresh’ and this is why we (and they) don’t learn lessons and grow out of the experience. Starting afresh is another reason why expectations don’t get reassessed and illusions stay high.
24. Reassess what you think someone thinks of you or what you think of them, because if you are working off assumptions you will be very wide of the mark. More importantly, you need to ensure that your assumptions line up with reality. Case in point: when my mother and I had the big argument, she said that she had been saying and doing something to show me that she wasn’t someone who was untrustworthy. The problem though is that I hadn’t been thinking that she was untrustworthy so the assumption she made and her subsequent behaviour where she basically tried to show me how untrustworthy someone else was, were totally wasted.
25. The experiences that we have in life serve to teach us more about ourselves. If you keep repeating the pattern of behaviour, you’ll keep getting the lesson thrown at you, until eventually you get the message that putting your hand in the fire burns and change your behaviour.
26. Truth be told, Mr Unavailables, assclowns, and basically those who you are trying to extract empathy from, do not give a sh*t. Harsh, but very true. When you open up to get them to understand and ‘hear’ you, they just get confirmation that you have problems and they tend to give themselves license to continue their won bad behaviour.
27. But…stop telling people stuff to elicit empathy because they draw negative conclusions about you. There’s sharing and there is oversharing, and the wrong type of people deduce certain things about you and determine that they can cross lines and that you’ll be very accepting.
28. Be very careful of projecting your ideals about how you’d like someone to treat you onto someone else. The danger with this comes about when people speak negatively about themselves to you and you disregard it because when you speak negatively about you you want someone to challenge it and believe in you, so you assume that this is why the other person is saying it.
29. When people say negative things about themselves, warning you about getting involved with them, I suggest that you heed the warning. People don’t tell you they’re going to hurt you for a joke and this is your Get Out Opportunity because once they’ve hurt you, it’s a rather unfortunate case of I Told You So.
30. People lie and sometimes people say what they truly believe at that time. We’re all guilty of believing we can be and do more than we can be or do. The answer is not to get hung up trying to investigate why that person couldn’t be or do what they suggested; the answer is to reevaluate whether what they’ve actually been or done is what you want to stick around for.
31. We do like to believe that this time we’ll be different in a relationship and Mr Unavailable goes through the same thing. But unless he has dealt with his issues, the weight of expectations, both from himself, and from you, will become too much. He’ll be scared and because he’s been down this road many a time before, he’ll do what he always does and bail…or start edging himself out and managing down your expectations.
32. When Mr Unavailables and assclowns move onto someone else and do something with them that they didn’t do with you, always remember that the combination of two people creates a different relationship, and more importantly, you’re not there so you don’t actually know what’s going on.
33. When Mr Unavailables and assclowns significantly shift their behaviour with someone else after you, it’s also potentially because the power balance has tipped. This may be caused by the other person being the more ‘powerful’ one in the dynamic, or it may be that his own insecurity may have dampened his power and inadvertently passed it to her.
34. When people make a point of saying something about themselves a lot, I call it Those Who Doth Protest Too Much syndrome. When you really are something, you just are, and people that protest too much tend to be pretending to be something that they are not.
35. Your parents can’t replace your childhood but they can, if they want to, create a new relationship with you.
36. I have found that it is easier not to have any great expectations of my parents. There’s an Irish saying ‘Expect the worst, hope for the best’ and I’d rather be surprised than disappointed. It’s not about having no expectations but if we stop blowing smoke into things and acknowledge that it is what it is, it makes for an opportunity to get on with your own life.
37. I spent a huge chunk of my life wishing that my mother was different and my father was around – life is for living, not wishing and regretting. There comes a point when you have to accept that someone is how they is and learn to work with what you have, or walk away.
38. When you truly understand and accept that someone is different, you can adapt your expectations and behaviour around them, and they unwittingly have to adapt around yours. I’ve learned that I need to speak directly and firmly with certain people because if I am indirect or vague, they read between the lines and make up their own mind about what I mean.
39. If you consider how difficult it is for you to change, you can start to imagine how difficult it may be for a parent who may be set in their ways. At some point, you have to ask yourself how much you really need them to change in order for you to get on with your life.
40. When we pursue our agenda of seeking validation, retribution, an apology or whatever it is, there is a distinct possibility that you’ll either be in for a long wait, or what you thought you’d feel should the event occur is the anticlimax. If saying sorry or looking forlorn and apologetic was all it came down to, many Mr Unavailables and assclowns could win Oscars for their performances.
Your thoughts?
Check out parts one and two and four.
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#29 hits hard at home for me. Not only did my ex-husband say this to me before we started dating (together for 13 years!) but my latest EUM kept on saying, “I don’t want to hurt you” over and over again. I mean, all I wanted to say is “then don’t!” but I just didn’t get it, did I?
I’m actually getting angry at myself now. So stupid to not heed the warning.
I don’t know how to express my gratitude to the author of this post. NML, you really have wonderful insights in relationships and especially about behavioral patterns of mr. unavailable and ACs.
One thing I don’t quite understand: are most EUM and AC have psychopathic tendencies? My experience with a EUM who is a MM demonstrates the majority of your described character traits. I broke up this relationship a year and a half ago but to be honest, I still miss him. How can a relationship be so destructive? He has moved on with a new woman and just kick me to the curb. On the surface, he is absolutely a honorable man, decent family, good job and also good reputation amongst friends. However, when it comes to relationship, he is such an AC. Uses women to the fullest, target every woman around his social circle, uses pity play, multiple relationships, a womanizer, all of which are what you described as red flags. I know his current woman who is giving him ultimatum to choose between her and his wife. He is giving her false hope that one day he will come up to her. I just wish this woman can read your website. Then her eyes will be wide open but unfortunately there are people in this world who would rather choose to live denial than face the sad reality. My friends keep saying that I am the lucky one to have the courage to walk away. He never contact me but if I initiate to call him, he will answer my call and pretend to be friendly. He still thinks that he is a wonderful guy whereas I am the bad woman because I have exposed him within his circle of female friends. But why does he pretend? He can always give me cold shoulder….
Do EUMs and ACs need therapy? Do they have conscience, how come they seem so genuine. NML, you are indeed a rescuer to a lot of your readers. It is only by reading your articles that I know so much more and I can stay strong. Nevertheless, it is not an easy route. I wish that someday I can totally forget about him.
Awesome.
NML,
Number 38!!!!!
It is over a year now since I found your web-site, and a year ago, I didn’t know that I had the strength to go “no contact” and even 6 months ago, I didn’t feel like I’d ever get over the relationship, but with your book and reading your articles, and CHANGING MY OWN BEHAVIOR, I’m now going days and even weeks without really being upset anymore, not thinking about the guy, and I feel healthy and ready to meet someone “normal.” It has been so helpful to learn that there are EUM’s out there. I didn’t even know that was what I was dealing with, and if you don’t know it, you keep trying with them and it is hard to understand why the relationship doesn’t go anywhere. When your book and your posts opened my eyes, I was able to change myself in order to view the men in a different light. It has even helped with my relationship with my ex-husband (and father of the boys). I have tools now in how to understand him and deal with him in a more productive way. Emily, if you’re reading this, keep wishing that you will totally be over him and keep reading everything here, and you will get there.
Thank you!!!!
“26. Truth be told, Mr Unavailable’s, assclowns, and basically those who you are trying to extract empathy from, do not give a sh*t. Harsh, but very true. When you open up to get them to understand and ‘hear’ you, they just get confirmation that you have problems and they tend to give themselves license to continue their won bad behaviour.”
All three of these lists ring so true. This one above was the hardest to realize. As I was reading it the word “won” jumped out at me….I think it might be a typo, but it actually is very accurate. I have never experienced an relationship where the other person was constantly engaged in a powers struggle/ game and opening up/ getting me to open up is just one card he played. Due to my ignorance I did not even see the battle for the longest time, and certainly did not see that I lost early on, when I gave him my power by ‘confiding’ in him in this way.
Until I started reading this site, I did not get that he had ” won” in the sense that I let myself be trained to accept his AC behavior. Mercifully, NC let me disengage from the unhealthy dance, and let me reclaim my power.
Also on #38..
“I’ve learned that I need to speak directly and firmly with certain people because if I am indirect or vague, they read between the lines and make up their own mind about what I mean.”
This is sort of my MO, except I do it with everybody. Sometimes maybe even to a flaw. It is amazing how often we humans hear what we want to hear. But if I beat around the bush, or even do not take the time to express myself clearly, people rarely understood what I am asking for. The trick to me, as a woman, is how to be a direct and clear without coming off as as a nag or angry b. On a good day I can do it all with humor and grace. On a bad day, I am sure I am considered an agressive woman ( to put it kindly). Oh well.
NML. you should put these in a booklet or a poster or abumber sticker or make each one into a magnet or something and sell them. that way folks can have them all together or take one out to hang on their fridge or car or office especialy ## 25. 26. and 27.
Emily~
If you initiate contact you’re opening the door, and they just want to know they can come back in/out of your door whenever THEY please. Its about them, them them, seeking attention and if you let them back in it’s the validation that you’re still hooked on them.
NC is keeping you safe and helping you heal and someday you will get past it. Many of us are or have been exactly where you are at. You seem to be holding up OK – good for you. Like your friends said you’re the lucky one. They are right!
I can’t tell you how many times my ex said “I’m no good.” And silly me — I argued with him!
Hey, this site is amazing. I have been identifying with so much.
The idea that “it isn’t all my fault” and that my man may well be a EUM is so liberating. However, my EUM and I were never in a relatonship, it was just sex and a lot of talking. He knew I liked him a lot, but was happy to have a sexual friendship with me, liked to talk when he was feeling sorry for himself, liked to have my attention…
However, because he was never my boyfriend (he never liked me enough) is the situation and advice just the same for as if he were a real ex? Or am I going mad?
I am very familiar with Nos. 21, 22, 26, 31, and especially 27. From now on, I will keep my secrets to myself-oversharing fears and anxieties is a sure way to open yourself up to disrespect; and isn’t this all about respect and what is not respectful? You are right, these problems are their “issues” and there is nothing that anyone can do help someone resolve their “issues” especially when they don’t want to acknowledge that they have problems. Emily, yes they do need therapy, but will probably never get it, because it is usually everyone’s else fault that ______________ fill in the blank for that specific AC/EUM can’t seem to get it together. And no, they don’t have a conscience. But the focus should not be on why these people do what they do-all bad behavior can be excused if you try hard enough. The focus should be on you and what you need to do to forgive yourself for the choices you made (we women are really good at beating ourselves up for a prolonged period of time for making a bad choice) and what you need to do to heal yourself from the emotional wounds this person has inflicted on you. Now that you are out of this relationship, you are on your way! I know it is hard, yes, I still miss my guy too, but I know deep down, I am so much better off without him than with him.
Great stuff, love it. Nice reading (-: Nice reminders.
interesting to hear you say you still miss the guy Penny. As I go through month seven of NC, I miss the guy I had brief glimpses of, the guy the AC wanted to be..solid, stable, confident, strong and loving. But in the end, he only wanted it like one might wish they could play piano…. without ever putting in any time to sit down, work and practice and learn to play.
I love this analogy from the above list…so true
“If you imagine that emotionally unavailable people and assclowns have a ‘reset button’, you can start to get your head around why they blow hot, why you think things will be different each time, and why the dots in the pattern of behaviour don’t get connected.”
The AC I knew destroyed two marriages, and likely did some damage to two strong, loving women in the process. But I’d bet money that both those women grew from the painful experience, while the AC still accepts no responsibility and blames them.
Really though, he is irrelevant. What matters is that we get out from under the stupid spell of assclownery, stay away from assclownery when we see it again, and learn some valuable things about ourselves from it all.
Aphrogirl, your comment ‘I had brief glimpses of, the guy the AC wanted to be..solid, stable, confident, strong and loving. But in the end, he only wanted it like one might wish they could play piano…. without ever putting in any time to sit down, work and practice and learn to play.’ struck a chord with me. That describes my EUM perfectly.
I am (in his words) the only girl he ever loved, the only one who can make him laugh, keep up with him intellectually, and connect with him physically etc etc. When I ask him why we can’t be together, he says that he’s too emotionally f***ed up. When I ask him to work on the issues that keep us apart, he replies that it’s too hard.
In spite of his charm, humor and intellect he is lonely and goes on about making connections and meeting people who ‘get’ him, yet he is completely unwilling to do anything to deal with his emotional issues.
It’s been 2.5 years since I has any contact with him (last time was a screaming match when he told me he’d been seeing someone while still being inappropriately intimate with me) and he sends me the occasional text telling me how much he misses me and how he wished I could cope with just a friendship!! I never reply.