On Monday I wrote about how my parents had taught me some valuable lessons over the past few months after a couple of run-ins with them that were uncomfortably reminiscent of some of my poor relationships. I am always learning from my own experiences and those of others, so I have jotted down some quick thoughts that have come to me over the past while that pave the way for deeper discussions in subsequent posts. Here are the first ten…
1. We each have our way of communicating and if someone is not understanding you, you’re either not communicating in a language that they understand, you’re sending mixed messages, or they don’t want to understand.
2. In relationships, you cannot assume that you are ‘right’ and that the other person must adopt your behavioural or communication style. For a start, you’re not twins, you’re individuals, but even more importantly, you need to learn to understand that person and find a way to communicate with them that resonates with their behavioural and communication style. Case in point – Mr Unavailables and assclowns talk a lot of doo doo that is in contradiction with their words and they know this even if they won’t admit it. If you keep talking and discussing, they deduce that you don’t mean what you say because they don’t mean what they say. However when you act decisively, it has far greater impact. They feel it when you cut contact and stay cut off; they realise that you’re likely to be around when you hang around chatting, hoping, or trying to be their friend.
3. The fact that you have communicated something doesn’t automatically create an obligation of action. ‘I’m not happy about the fact that you didn’t call me’ carries far less weight than ‘If you want to continue dating me/having a relationship with me, please call when you say you’re going to call’.
4. Whilst riding their asses like Zorro isn’t necessarily the answer, people who tend to cross boundaries or trample all over them see any time that you accept their poor behaviour as a weakening in your boundaries and adjust their behaviour accordingly to exploit the ‘weakness’.
5. If you feel like your patterns are deep-rooted, take a good long hard look at the relationship you had (or didn’t have) with your parents. We subconsciously create familiar patterns unless we acknowledge their existence and deal with them.
6. You may be upset or hurt by someone but that doesn’t mean that they have to do something, be sorry, apologise, or change.
7. You may well recognise that someone’s behaviour is not ‘right’ or ‘normal’ but that doesn’t mean that they have to change it, that you’re the one that you should tell them or get them to change it, or that they should want to.
8. When we get hurt in relationships and feel pain, this doesn’t mean that the other party owes you anything or that they should feel more for you.
9. People are relatable and find it easier to understand something if they can relate to it and connect. If their natural disposition is to be thoughtless and not think about someone else’s feelings other than their own, they’re unlikely to be moved by you explaining how you feel.
10. You may love them…but they don’t have to love you back. Harsh, but true. This is all the more reason why it is important to choose quality partners with a potential to yield good relationships, because trying to extract feelings and a relationship out of someone who caters to negativity is a one way trip to rejection.
Your thoughts?
Look out for the subsequent parts over the next few days – part two, part three, and four now available.
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Thanks NML, great thoughts, gotta re-read to absorb……
I understand about the need to establish good boundaries, and that family history may affect this. But I don’t understand about going N/C with family members. Although BFs are replaceable, Parents and Sibs are not. Is there a step after N/C with family members?
You can lose an AC, but a person should not have to lose their family.
Hi saraK, the example I used about NC was with Mr Unavailables and assclowns to tie it back into ‘relationships’. I’m certainly not suggesting that people cut contact with family members. That said, I know a number of readers who have distanced themselves/had a break from family members, which I guess is a variation of NC. This isn’t a post about parental relationships – it’s about the wider topic of relationships, communication, and emotional unavailability.
hello. I am new to this site, recommended by a friend. I haven’t had a chance to read any articles but the most recent so I’m hoping if I air my dirty laundry here, it will give me a better perspective. I have been /was seeing a man for close to 6 months that lost his wife 4 years ago to cancer. Anyway back in August, we both found ourselves out of jobs ( no fault of our own), his mother passed away and he was involved in a car accident. When the mother passed away he completey cut contact with me for about a week. He came back explaining that was his way of dealing with it. To add to it, he has admitted that he has major anxiety issues and has been taking medication for about 6 years. When the accident occurred, he was arrested for being under the influence of too much medication (anxiety meds). I thought at the time that he was finally coming around when he said he needed me. So of course, I wanted to be there for him. I invited him to stay with me while he was recovering from the accident but realized his “physical” issues were basically withdrawal symptoms from not having any access to his anti anxiety pills. I took him to 4 doctors and they all said the same thing… no physical issues, he needed to address his anxiety. Still with me? Well he packed up everything and moved out of my home in the middle of the night. Literally called a cab and left but accused me of kicking him out, which I didn’t. I contacted a friend of his to see if he had heard from him and asked him to let me know that he was ok. Well, that apparently made him even worse. He said I wasn’t a friend and that he no longer trusts me. The confusing thing is that he says that he is still grieving over the loss of his wife, but he says he does love me and misses me. I’m trying to be there for him but he will not respond to phone calls, messages, nothing. He says that he is a train wreck and that I deserve better. I ask him if he would prefer I leave him alone and he won’t answer me. I feel bad if I just stop contact with him because he says he is all alone, but I’m not sure if I should further contact him. Any thoughts??? Sorry for rambling.
**added from a subsequent comment
I guess my questions is that I’m not sure if I can establish boundaries with this man at this point. I would like to help him but at the same time it feels like this a a roller coaster ride that will not stop anytime soon. I know I have the option to leave, but that seems very cold and callous at the moment.
I left out of my initial post that he claims that I am the first person he has been with since his wife passed away.
He has made comments that there are other women interested in him, but then he claims that he is only interested in me. He has called me very vulgar names but claims he does not remember because he has been on too much medication. Losing my job and the recent loss of my brother has been hard on me as well, but I have tried to NOT let my problems become his… i figured I was doing him a favor by not coming to him while he was dealing with his own issues
Hi Kimberly, thanks for visiting. I have published your comment but you should join the Baggage Reclaim forum/social network to get personal advice on your situation so that the comments for the post stay on topic in line with
Like you, I’m interested in building better people. Setting good boundaries is a great way, as you know. I wonder how it can be applied in family issues, to set the stage for better ‘relationships.’ Thanks again for your insight and this site.
Thank you for saying #9 and #10 today today!! I SO needed to hear it. At the very end of the “relationship” I tried to talked to the AC about how I wished we could communicate better and his response was “ok” next day I texted to say hi, his response was that he had to go to work and said good bye. He did not speak to me for 2 weeks. Then he came back with the lamest excuse about his phone not working. Then I knew his intentions were not anywhere close to what I thought they were. He was obviously trying to avoid me and the whole communication issue that we had.
Needles to say I dumped him a week later and a month later he only made an attempt to talk and said hi. No apologies, No lets work things out, No nothing! Coldness at its worse.
I’d like to weigh in on #7–you’re exactly right. I definitely knew that the behavior wasn’t right or normal, yet I accepted it, tried to explain it to him and tried to change him. I look back now and laugh at how much time I wasted. I would have had more luck changing a cat. After many months of NC, I can tell you how right you are NML about everything and now I just smile when I think about how “important” I thought it was to “talk” to him about his behavior. I would have been so much better off if I had told him to take a flying leap and never talked to him again–which I evenutally did but only after trying to “change” said assclown/EUM with my kindness, understanding, explaning–which translated really means destroying my boundaries, letting him get away with things I would have never let anyone else get away with, totally losing myself. His behavior wasn’t right, isn’t normal and never will be–and that’s fine because I no longer have to deal with it and he can be his bad EUM/assclown self.
Good points. I have come to believe that it is our perceptions and expectations that either allow us to have peaceful, beneficial relationships with people — or not.
We either engage with people who “speak our language” by being are kind, caring, supportive, loyal, honest and share our goals and values — OR NOT depending on our choice of partner.
It IS a choice. Every step of the way.
You can only be hurt, annoyed, disappointed or walked on if you cooperate with it more than once.
The pain will be minor if you leave as soon as you realize the other person is full of it/not treating you well and doesn’t care about changing as evidenced by thier behavior.
The pain will NOT get so deep if you don’t let bad behavior run rampant and make excuses for it (yours OR his.)
Healthy boundaries protect you — as does not putting your fantasies of who and what you want somone to be onto them.
It really comes down to truly taking care of yourself in a way that allows you to be loving to those who love/trust/respect/value you — and loving yourself enough to end relationships when those 4 conditions are not consitently present.
That will only sound harsh if you want to keep making excuses for why your EUM has potential, or you CAN’T leave because….
(p.s. Obviously this is not about anyone in a domestic violence situation – there are safety issues and shelter issues that come into play in those cases of having chosen a partner with a destructive rage issue that make it much more complicated)
Please Please do not ever discontinue this website. I found this site in February this year, while I was leaving an assclown. Coincidence? More like serendipity. I wish that I had had this kind of take-no-prisoners truth-telling and clear-thinkinig 25 years ago. You are doing a HUGE favor to womankind. Thank you.
I agree completely with Kathy. Your words are marvelous, NML.
Working on #5 as we speak. :o)