Many people who struggle to move their relationships forward or to move on after a breakup focus on identifying the responsibility (and fault) lines. This attitude and mentality are tricky when the relationship is still ongoing because it becomes the blame game and keeping score. When the relationship is over, trying to pin the fault takes them into blame, shame, and seeking validation territory. I also find that people are inclined to play Columbo or FBI agent and keep looking for reasons to justify their perception of who bears what of the responsibility, rather than process the information and move on.
Focusing on blame and dividing the relationship into ‘parts’ blocks you from being in a loving, mutual relationship. You also can’t be yourself because you’re too busy trying to dodge or pass blame.
Relationships are not a 50:50 partnership; they’re 100:100.
Now, when a lot of people hear this they feel baffled. But here is why I feel that relationships require 100% contribution from each party:
Anything other than putting your whole authentic self into the relationship and giving it your all is subjective.
You need to be your authentic whole self for a relationship, not half a person doing things in the context of what they think is their ‘share’. Oh, I’ve done this, so I’ll wait for him to do that. This isn’t authentic or loving. You’re doing things based on the other person, not on you. Instead of giving and loving wholeheartedly, you’re keeping score. You’re effectively saying Well I am this, this, and this, so I know I’m doing my half and they need to step up and do theirs.
You cannot split relationships like you’re splitting who pays what on a date!
Let’s say you work on a team of five people. Do you decide to only put in your a 20% contribution? Hopefully, you don’t and instead, if you’re a conscientious person living authentically, you’ll put full effort into your job rather than waiting on others.
Fifty per cent is always half. It doesn’t become one hundred per cent because someone else is there beside you. And that certainly won’t happen if the person is:
- Reluctant to be in the relationship.
- Has a different idea of what your relationship entails.
- Has inflated the idea of what their contribution is and thinks that their 10% is 50%. They’re turning the proverbial crumb into a loaf.
- Contributing their ‘50%’ but it’s not the 50% you want!
I see relationships like this every day. They’re not only struggling but also lack authenticity because one or both parties are not being themselves. They’re not being honest about who they are, what they need and where they need to step up. So many of these relationships lack shared core values. The people don’t even recognise the importance of values because they think that the attraction, sexual chemistry, common interests and the fact that they talk the nth degree out of the relationship and say they love each other is enough to sustain it (it isn’t).
Love, the feeling, is not enough to make your relationship work. Fifty per cent of you isn’t either.
Relationships take two, and they’re co-created. You are 100% responsible for yourself and 100% accountable for your own experience, but you’re also both 100% responsible for the relationship. Note, that this doesn’t make you responsible for what they do, but it does make you responsible for yourself in that context.
Let’s take a common relationship issue: Woman plays Florence Nightingale and engages in fixing/healing/helping her ‘broken man’. Maybe he’s got issues with alcohol, is an emotional mess due to a series of bad things that happened to him, or he’s a recovering sex addict. Maybe he says that he says that he’s aware of his issues and dealing with them and that he wants the ‘love of a good woman’. The relationship flounders. She frustrated, he feels invalidated and possibly patronised and controlled. It becomes clear that he can’t make her bigger than his problems.
Whose fault is it that the relationship isn’t working?
- His, because he has a drinking (or whatever) problem and couldn’t overcome it?
- Hers, because she thinks that she can love away his problems?
- His, because aside from the drink (or whatever) problem, he has other unresolved issues at the root of it?
- Hers, because she expecting more from him more than he’s capable of actually delivering?
- His, because he thinks that if he was loved ‘enough’ by someone else and the relationship was ‘good’ that the problems would be magicked away, so has unrealistic expectations of her while at the same time resenting her ‘input’?
- Hers, because she turned a blind eye to the problems at the start of the relationship or when they manifested and saw that not only was there an opportunity to help a wounded soul, but had already decided that she wasn’t prepared to end things because she was in love?
- His, because he wants to believe he can be better than this and tells her that he’ll change, even though he only manages a limited amount of change before falling into old habits or creating new bad ones?
- Hers, because she thinks she knows what’s best for him and doesn’t accept the reality of who he is and so bets on potential?
I could go on but I hope you get the idea.
Relationships are co-created and 100:100. Each party contributes to the success (or ‘failure’) of a relationship.
When you fix/heal/help, it’s out of a desire to control and fix your own issues through the other party so that you can right the wrongs of the past. You are being over-responsible. And someone who takes cover with an over-responsible person is consciously or not, sheltering with someone who will overfunction so that they don’t have to take responsibility.
Many people believe that ‘real love’ is having the power to change someone. They think there’s no better way of getting the ultimate validation they seek than ‘fixing’ a ‘broken’ person so that they do the proverbial leap and declare ‘I can walk!’ But more often than not, this doesn’t happen. It’s also unhealthy because it creates a victim/rescuer dynamic.
You could spend from here to eternity trying to work out the fault lines, but all that does is stop you from taking responsibility for you.
Sometimes the fault lines will be very clear but unless you’re going to do something productive with your information and learn from it and move on or make the appropriate changes on both sides to address the issues, rather than obsess about it and stay stuck, you’re engaging in responsibility-dodging.
It takes two people to adapt and change for a relationship. You can’t row the relationship boat with one oar.
You can do all the adapting and changing you like, but if the other person stays stuck in their ‘gear’, it won’t make a difference.
Blaming someone doesn’t have to stop you from you recognising, acknowledging and owning your part. You can totally recognise what they have done while also acknowledging, for example, whether this situation represents a pattern of being with the same person, different package and relationship. You can ask What’s the baggage behind my response and choices?
I get it. Unavailable people and assclowns, for example, do more than enough things to warrant being hugely annoyed or even devastated by them. But if you stay and put up with it, no matter how long it was for, it is time to be accountable for your part because you’re putting all of the focus on them, which renders you helpless. Put it back on you and empower yourself by recognising where you may believe, accommodate/whatever too much and do something about it.
Focusing on blame is a call for us to be more boundaried.
When someone lies to you and you buy into the lie, your ‘part’ in things is denial. That doesn’t mean they’re any less responsible for the lies they told, but you learn that you need to be more real with yourself. You stop lying to and deceiving you.
Another example: When someone repeatedly does stuff that is disrespectful, your part in things is not having enough boundaries. Again, that doesn’t make them any less responsible, but you learn to respect yourself. You create consequences when people cross your boundaries rather than letting them continue running the red light.
When you recognise that relationships are 100:100 partnerships, have an honest conversation with yourself and strive to be more authentic, it makes your relationships so much better and so much easier. If you’re being your authentic self living congruent with your values, you will recognise when someone else isn’t. You will be not be comfortable living in an inauthentic relationship that doesn’t recognise and honour your values. You’ll address the concerns and/or opt out.
Your thoughts?
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This says it all!
“But if you stay and put up with it, no matter how long it was for, it is time to be accountable for your part because you’re putting all of the focus on him, which renders you helpless. Put it back on you and empower yourself by recognising where you may believe, accommodate/whatever too much and doing something about it.”
” If you are being your authentic self living congruent with your values, you will recognise when someone else is not and you will be not be comfortable living in an inauthentic relationship that does not recognise your values. You’ll address the concerns and/or opt out.”
@ Allison:
I guess this quote really hit home for both of us!
“If you are being your authentic self living congruent with your values, you will recognise when someone else is not and you will be not be comfortable living in an inauthentic relationship that does not recognise your values. You’ll address the concerns and/or opt out.”
Words I will strive to live by!
Yup! Until we fully acknowledge our participation in this, we will never move on.
Yes, these guys were mixed-up creeps, but we stayed involved and refused to acknowledge the red flags.
I cannot speak for anyone else on this site, but I can say this about my feelings with my ex-AC. I like to get on here, read other “war stories”, and vent my own frustrations about his bad behavior, because I doubt myself all the time. No matter what sort of behaviors I can point out in him, I still wonder if it’s all my fault that it didn’t work.
I constantly feel the need to try to work up anger towards him, just so I can get some of the burden off of me that I put on myself. Maybe I am trying to tip the scales back into balance, so that I am not taking 200% of the blame. This is the first relationship I have been in, where I did not feel that I got to have some sort of closure.
Honestly, I am stuck. The only way I know to figure out where my fault lies, is to figure out where his fault lies. Otherwise, if I do x and he responds with y (and I feel bad when he does y), does that mean I should never do x again in any relationship? Or does it mean his y is just assclown behavior, and my x was not unreasonable?
How do I tell the difference? How do I learn from this whole experience and pick out my behaviors and figure out which ones are healthy and which ones are not?
Hi Nicole,
I think the big difference between knowing what and wondering where it went wrong, is just in this sentence.
When you have to wonder what you did wrong, it guess it basically ment you didn’t mean to do wrong.
And when you didn’t, there should be place for conversation, talk and debate in the relationship.
When there isn’t such space to vent for you towards your partner, and he takes this as an opportunity to ignore you or take advantage or take power, that’s where he goes wrong.
If you have to wonder what you did wrong, it implies that you didn’t cheat or do awfull things, and when that’s not the case, why wouldn’t your partner take time to listen to you and give you feedback on what maybe his issues with you might be.
He didn’t take the effort, off course very dependant on the situation, but that would in many cases allready make him too
ignorant ànd lazy for you to want to be with.
And an AC for that matter.
If you need feedback from your partner on the things you can improve, or if you are doubting about the way you handle or handled things, and he doesn’t come through on feedback, it just says a lot about him, not you.
Hi Nicole,
I think I didn’t read through properly what you ment,
it’s mostly the ‘y’-answers that are bothering you, he does give you feedback, but only to leave you grinding over your initial ‘x’ starting point, leaving you absolutely no where.
I think you have to figure out just how important the ‘x’-feeling is for you.
Is it just a detail, a thing of small irritation, or is it something you can barely live with (probably since you’re here and coping badly) and can not get over and defines your boundaries, does he give you an ‘y’ answer to shut you up, don’t take responsibility and even shoot it right back at you, then it almost basically means he doés give you a clear answer: you are right and he is an AC.
Think about how you got to your ‘x’ to start with, try to isolate it away from his ‘y’ responses, do you still believe in your point of view, is that x-starter enough for you to not have wanted the relationship anymore.
We all cary the burden of not being perfect and wanting to be, but it is okay not to be because no one is and it let’s you strive to be one and that struggle is called life.
It should be okay, if you can talk about it in an honest and caring way towards each other.
A suitable partner loves you for who you are, but if he USES your ‘worse’ to ignore his actions and leave all the responsability on your table, making you confused as hell, I would forget about ever having a good clean talk about it, or learning how to do better. He is clearly not helping you to see, if you have done wrong or something in the like, how you could improve that, in a loving and understanding way. I would forget about his ‘y’ answers, and try to believe in your values you once had, recognise they belong to you.
The minute I stopped wondering about my previous relationship and all his ‘y’ answers, and the minute I was ready to let him go completely, I never thought about all his arguments anymore and I could see him for who he truely was.
A cheater, a liar, a very confused man.
Off course I did and said stuff that was off limits aswell, dealing with an EUM can make you very unbalanced and insecure, but when I let go of him, even when it would still hurt, I noticed I didn’t do that kind of behaviour anymore, I could leave it behind me.
It does take time however, and it needs to take time even, but when that time arrives, you’ll see clearly.
And I can just bet you won’t be that hard on yourself anymore.
And yes, NC does seriously speed up that process !
I struggle with this myself. Nitpicking the minute details of what went wrong and whose fault it was is not important. What’s important is the overall dynamic between you two and if he took advantage of you or not.
Non-AC and Non-EUM are not going to take advantage of someone’s admiration, love, attention, sex, etc for their own sole benefits. If decent guys aren’t interested, they wouldn’t let you believe that there was.
I am in day 8 of NC and I struggle with what you described but a thing to realize is that it’s never going to work out if certain issues never get resolved. You have to give up and let go someday before you go emotionally bankrupt as I did.
“I constantly feel the need to try to work up anger towards him” It’s okay to not hate him. It’s okay to love him. It’s okay to still want to be with him. However, it’s not okay to let him walk all over you and use you. So, it’s not necessary to stay angry (nor is it healthy). This is all about you now. I, for one, feel much better not lending so much focus on a man who strung me along for so long and gave back so little. Look at the silver linings.
Additionally, the more you focus on what went wrong, the more the focus is still on HIM when it should be on YOU.
“How do I tell the difference? How do I learn from this whole experience and pick out my behaviors and figure out which ones are healthy and which ones are not?”
You simply take time out, focus on yourself (and not other men – including him) and learn as much as you can about healthy relationship habits. Natalie has a bunch of articles addressing this if you look in the archives.
~“I constantly feel the need to try to work up anger towards him†It’s okay to not hate him. It’s okay to love him. It’s okay to still want to be with him.~
That’s true, but… this was my approach: I spent a long time during my healing process making sure I was mad about things I had previously let slide. I did that because if I HAD BEEN HEALTHY and taken care of myself during the (joke of a) relationship, I would have gotten mad in real time as a healthy reaction, and I probably would have gotten out a lot quicker, and not permitted myself to be taken advantage of for TWO. YEARS.
I made sure to get good and mad, over and over, every time I thought about my Assclown, to try and teach myself the reactions of a healthy person. To teach myself to respect my bad feelings about other people’s behavior – I was NOT oversensitive – he f*cked up, and I made myself pretend he hadn’t., I am NOT paranoid, he was full of shady behavior, I knew it, and I made myself try to keep the peace. I get myself mad after the fact so that I can understand that the initial reactions were right, and talking myself out of them was wrong. And also to break my habit of getting all mushy and nostalgic over a dirtbag. What a waste of time and energy! Yeah, he was fun but he was also a horrible person. Pining over a relationship that was MAYBE 10% cool and was 90% suck? I have better things to spend my energy on!
Point is, I think getting yourself mad at him has its uses. Unfortunately I still have feelings for the guy, but now I have really internalized the REALITY that he was a piece of poo.
I guess people deal with it all differently. For me, trying to stay mad him completely drained me because I knew if I was going to be mad at him then I would have to be mad at myself too as I had partial responsibility for what happened.
It actually caused me to break No Contact many times because I would go into the nitpicking details, replay them in my head, come up with some “what ifs” and letting myself feel guilty for my part.
This time, I told myself that things are the way they are and as they say forgiving is powerful for yourself. But…I am still in No Contact and feel way less stressed than my other attempts because the focus on is now 100% on me and not the past. I am taking the time to build boundaries and learn what healthy relationships are for myself instead of wasting time being mad.
But….like I said..people deal with this all differently. I took it that maybe Nicole was exhausting herself like I did. However, whatever works for you to stay No Contact, do it! 🙂
Tricky question, Nicole, one I am sure one of the regulars who will be able to help you on far more than I can. But, from my limited experience (and I am also struggling with my first foray into AC turf – I honestly did not know these people existed), I think the only way to ground yourself in it is by thinking about your boundaries and values and making sure you would apply them to yourself too. So if X (your behaviour) is a boundary-buster then it’s probably something you should think about for ANY relationship in the future. I recently wrote a list things I would not accept in a relationship (having monumentally fu*ked up by cashing in a few of these in exchange for someone else’s charming/desirable qualities) and the process not only helped reveal massive fault lines in my past relationship, but also alerted me to some areas I can work on in myself.
I think that if you’re being honest, kind and accountable, then most of the X [behaviour] should be manageable by someone who doesn’t have serious intimacy issues. In good relationships, there’s a trust there between the two people that the behaviour is separate from the overarching respect in the relationship. But when someone denies your behaviour or feelings in a spirit that’s not honest, kind and accountable, when they can’t see that it’s about you, not them, it becomes unworkable and everything becomes so low-order and scrappy. You know you’re in trouble, when you do express your feelings and they ridicule or dismiss them. You can’t work with that.
Not sure if any of this hangs to the sorts of things you’re thinking of.
There is also plain and simple compatibility to deal with. That’s a hard one to unthread, but often people simply see things wholly differently and don’t have the same relationship habits, desires and values. I had a lovely boyfriend who responded in ways that frustrated me, but the difference was that I KNEW it wasn’t coming from any twisted issues or ambiguous feelings towards me, he simply did not know any other way to respond in that situation. We could talk about that mismatch, and there was never any sense that I was treading on eggshells bringing it up. That’s a big indicator, I think.
Finally, there is the element of randomness too. Not everything can be assigned a quantity. People misunderstand things, people make irrational decisions. Not everything has to do with us, either. I know I ended one relationship in the past, more for my own need to for independence at that time in my life and some deep-seated family issues, rather than the person I was with.
Good luck! At some point, we have to see these experience with these people as expensive life lessons, take what you know is true, back yourself, and just keep going forward! (That’s what I am coming to see)
Nicole – I’m very moved by your honesty – you express so well what I’m experiencing too. It’s so exhausting and painful. I very much appreciate the responses from Elle, Cindy and Sofie – very reassuring, and I’m feeling needy for reassurance like a little girl, whilst also growing myself back into strength and beyond.
Recently I sat down and wrote a list of what I wanted in a relationship and what I wouldn’t tolerate. I decided there couldn’t be anything that was negotiable. To me if you negotiate then you’re setting yourself up to be swayed into not staying true to yourself. If I do it once for X then its gets easier to do it for Y and Z and before you know it I’m right back into the mess I was in before, selling my beliefs/values to have someone in my life.
Been there, done that, won’t do it again.
NML: I’d be curious to hear your thoughts on younger women who go off with a Mr.Unavailable/AC before their boundaries are clearly defined and just don’t have enough dating experience to see what they’re dealing with. Many women simply have not had a good male-female relationship role model and don’t know what hit ’em when they are a couple years in deep with an AC who couldn’t care less about them.
I understand that for young women with a good sense of self and strong personal boundaries, this wouldn’t happen (or not for long) but for teenagers, i mean, how many teens DO have a good sense of self/good boundaries?
Hi Columbia, I don’t think age has much to do with it, many of us here are well past our teen years and still got taken in by these guys because we have had other issues going on underneath.
If your life is a bit dull and someone shiny comes along you get distracted by you own problems for a while.
I was listening to a web seminar the other day and the guy was talking about ‘chasing a feeling’. I bet we’ve all had this running in our heads that, ‘I’ll be happy when’…..I get a new job, more money, a bigger house, smaller waist, a nice guy etc. Only it comes, we’re never happy from external things, it has to come from us. The sooner we realise this the less hold these guys can have, because we’re happy-we don’t need them to make us happy.
Wow. Thank you all so much for all of your responses. There is a lot of good advice, good insight. and even just some comfort that I am not alone in the stuggle.
Sofie, I think you are right in what you said about how he responds. His y answers would be one of the following: 1) defensive, 2) trying to coax me into putting off talking about it, or 3) once he even laughed at the issue, and said he thought his behavior was hilarious and did not even seem concerned that it upset me.
I appreciate everyone’s comments. There are so many things ya’ll have helped me see more clearly.
After thinking about NML’s post about how much focus is on them, I remembered something. After my divorce (not this AC-he was just a boyfriend), I went to counseling and groups to work on my issues. I spent a couple of years doing this, and what I noticed about the process was this. The majority of my focus for probably about a year or so had to do with HIM and his behavior. Same for a lot of the other women. Then, a subtle shift began to happen. I found myself focusing more on me, what was healthy for me, what behaviors were good for me. And so I would hear new women coming to the group, and trying so hard to analyze every little move he made. And I just knew.
1) I knew that ultimately it’s not about them.
2) But, having gone through my own time of focusing on them, until I finally learned to focus on me, I realized that maybe that is part of the process.
Maybe it’s like the stages of grief. I know that the anger, denial and bargaining, and even depression can all be at that part where we focus on the AC. We are angry at them, denying our own part in letting them bust our boundaries. Bargaining (even if it’s just in our heads) by trying to figure out how we could have held onto the relationship. And depression, because, deep down we know that it wasn’t meant to be and we can’t do a damn thing about it.
It’s hard to be in that place, but maybe it’s what we have to go through to get to the acceptance.
I remember after my divorce, I was devastated and afraid of my sadness. My counselor, knowing the story of the marriage, said that I had put on a face and tried to hold it together for so many years in the marriage, that my feelings of sadness were so intense, because there were so many unexpressed years of grief.
Once I worked through that (it was NOT fun, believe me), I became a different person. Even different than I was BEFORE my marriage. I was not afraid to cry or be sad anymore. It’s a normal human emotion. And what I found surprised me. I found a joy that I had never before experienced. I realized that I had not been fully expressing myself in a lot of ways.
So, I guess what I’m saying is that I never learned to REALLY laugh until I learned to really cry.
First off, this site is incredibly helpful..thank you!!
Second, what if you have recognized the dysfunctional patterns, separated yourself from that person for a lengthy amount of time (a year), have had time to meditate and establish your own boundaries as to not repeat patterns, but this person due to circumstances beyond your control (you have the same best friends and are tired of having had to avoid them all year and miss them) is still around and refuses to acknowledge you and therefore continues to disrespect you. Then what?
Christina……
You asked “then what?” My answer would be then what….. nothing. You have been NC for a year, you know this guy is not going to change, as you went NC on him then he must have been an EUM/assclown, which means he disrespected you when you were together so why would he suddenly start respecting you and behave like a healthy functional person now you are apart ? All power to you for being NC for so long and getting yourself back together – and that’s the point, you have moved on in a decisive way. so why not get back in touch with your friends and carry on living your life….without him in it. – as you have done for the past year.
I have been NC for eight months now and actually had the epiphany moment a couple of weeks ago that I am finally over him….. , I have to say it was an amazing moment of realisation!!!!! Now, if I saw my ex in a social situation….I would just carry on doing what I do, if he approached and spoke to me I would be polite just as I would to any other stranger, not engage in conversation (what for? there is nothing to say) and then just move away from him. That is just how I would react.
Take care and good luck
Hi Lucy,
I appreciate your words and support, thanks. I suppose what’s frustrating me the most is the fact that an entire year has passed and although I feel I have grown and am so much stronger, I still feel like I am exactly where I was with him a year ago. When he and I are around a small group of intimate friends, there the 2 of us sit in silence, avoiding glancing in each other’s direction, while creating a thick wall of tension amongst our helpless friends and I actually feel embarrassed when this happens. I realize it is his way of controlling the situation, he broke up with me by giving me the silent treatment, so I never heard/knew or know his reasons or feelings. Accepting this outcome has proven to be the hardest thing I’ve ever endured in a relationship thus far. When I see him now, he makes me feel powerless and perpetually trapped in this ridiculous pattern. Now I do my best to hold my head high, be strong and carry on when we have to be around each other, but then go home and feel mentally twisted about him, his actions/behavior/logic – I’m constantly fighting with this reality and wonder what else I can do to make myself feel better and more at peace.
Christina,
This must be extremely uncomfortable. Isn’t there a way you can get together with them when he’s not there? Perhaps, you could get together with two or three of of the friends and not everyone at the same time.
He sounds like an immature ass.
Allison,
he was my best friend for a number of years, so our circle is quite close. Our friends have chosen not to get involved and avoid choosing sides (which, of course I appreciate and respect). There has been a few occasions where I have bowed out because I knew he would be there, and I would do it for me. But other times, it’s just unavoidable. This website is so useful in helping you gain the strength to eliminate detrimental people in your life. Which I have done in the past, but this is the first situation where my ex-boyfriend isn’t going to go away. I went almost 9 months without seeing him and accepting the time and space that was needed for me. But now, I’ve come to a place where I don’t want to hide or give him that much power over me and my social life. I want to move forward, but I don’t want him disrespecting me anymore. Is a discussion with him about this in order? I sincerely do not know what to do. Thank you warmly for listening.
REPLY
Nicole,
It helped me to hear what you said about women trying to recover who analyze every move their EUM/AC made. I have been NC for two months, and still find myself going over the cruel things he did. I am sticking to the NC and don’t feel like I’m going to backtrack but I am sick of thinking about his bull crap and going over it in my head because it still feels like a punch to the gut. I guess part of the healing process is sorting through the anger. But it is encouraging to hear that you slowly shifted to focusing on yourself and that there is light at the end of this tunnel. It is hard and I know I have a long road ahead of me but I’m starting to realize that the hardest part was making the conscience decision to get out and actually doing it. Now with that behind me, the load feels lighter.
A great song to listen to is “Let him Fly” by Patty Griffin. Sounds like she had an EUM too.
I’ve read many books, and many sites on how to get over my breakup, after a 7 year relationship. While, my bf was a good person in general, and we made a great team (everyone involved though so), he still broke up with me, and gave me all kinds of random excuses. Still, your articles, and this one especially – actually all are so clear and helpful – explains so many valuable ideas that may be in other books/marticles/mags etc, but explains them in a way that really ‘clicks’ for me.
These two points you made below were pivotal in my coming to terms that no matter how ‘good’ he seemed, I allowed these things to happen.
‘When someone lies to you and you buy into the lie, your part in things is denial.’
‘When someone repeatedly does stuff that is disrespectful, your part in things is not having enough boundaries.’
I blamed him for a lot, and even looked at my own flaws in teh relationship, but those quotes REALLY explain what was going on.
I can’t thank you enough for this insight. This is the first time I can say I really feel that someone understands relationships.
Allison,
he was my best friend for a number of years, so our circle is quite close. Our friends have chosen not to get involved and avoid choosing sides (which, of course I appreciate and respect). There has been a few occasions where I have bowed out because I knew he would be there, and I would do it for me. But other times, it’s just unavoidable. This website is so useful in helping you gain the strength to eliminate detrimental people in your life. Which I have done in the past, but this is the first situation where my ex-boyfriend isn’t going to go away. I went almost 9 months without seeing him and accepting the time and space that was needed for me. But now, I’ve come to a place where I don’t want to hide or give him that much power over me and my social life. I want to move forward, but I don’t want him disrespecting me anymore. Is a discussion with him about this in order? I sincerely do not know what to do. Thank you warmly for listening.
Christina,
It sounds like you’ve come to a great place!
God, I don’t know. He sounds like he’s behaving like a big fool. Certainly your friends recognize how he’s behaving??? I probably wouldn’t say anything, he doesn’t sound very mature or understanding.
Do you know why he’s behaving like such an ass, after he disrespected you so?
No idea, he has/had? a girlfriend for some time. I don’t ask and my friends don’t tell, which may explain why he can’t bring himself to say ‘hi’ or b. simply a coward. Which brings me back to square one, having to be the bigger person.
And you are!!! Keep at it!
<3
Christina
It’s been nine months, what’s there to discuss? He will just think you are a bit nutty to drag it up again. Quite often, we want to discuss because we want them to prove they are a decent person.
There’s nothing to discuss. The relationship is over. The “lets be friends” ship has sailed.
This is a good time to make new friends who have nothing to do with him. People who don’t even know that he exists.
from the time I started dating at 15 my grandmother who’s been married for 67+ years always said “relationships are 100%/ 100%” efforts and nothing short of that will work…. only now in my 30’s do i get it
great post!