Because we find it all too easy to sideline ourselves, two things can happen that are dangerous:
He makes himself number one and you make him number one, which is why you don’t have the common interest of a relationship. You certainly don’t even share a common interest of YOU.
You think you have a lot in common when in actual fact, you’ve morphed to fit in with him.
The most common example of this is when you date a guy and because he can’t commit, and he pulls disappearing acts, treats you badly etc, you then decide that it must mean you don’t want a relationship and you let him pretty much abuse what little boundaries that there are left. Suddenly you have assumed the role of the girl who understands her man and is letting him do his thing.This is why it is important to have boundaries and values and to maintain your position.
If you adjust your yardstick to accommodate chump behaviour from men in the name of having a common ground and keeping the relationship, not only will you waste even more time on these men but you will lose your sense of self.
I have gritted my teeth through many a relationship and date playing the girl who has so much in common with the guy who she actually has nothing in common with.
The reason why so many women struggle to let go of assclown men and to No Contact is because by the time you’ve finished morphing to fit in with his agenda, you don’t know who the frick you are anymore.
Yes relationships do involve some compromise but actually that doesn’t involve compromising your values and boundaries, or yourself.
No real relationship between two people is going to flounder because one person loves Star Trek and the other likes Sex and the City. Trust me, I know this because the boyf loves all sorts of science fiction sh*te and it’s got sweet f all impact on our relationship. He loves watching football (soccer) and all sorts of annoying sports, has some eclectic taste in music, cycles sometimes (I’m not the exercising sort), and watches annoying guy films with people like Jean Claude van Damme and that stupid man with the pony tail.
Relationships are the sum of two individuals and whilst it is handy to have things in common, it is ok to maintain some individuality too.
Morphing, which in its worst form is when you shelf your own interests, aspirations, values, etc to take on those of your partner, is another form of co-dependency, so of course when you break up with the guy after making him the centre of your universe and in essence, shelving yourself, it will feel like you are no longer an entity.
But let me ask, when do these guys ever try to fit in with YOU? They don’t.
If you have to ‘fit in’ and if you have to ‘adjust’ to feel like you’re on the same planet as him, you should be asking yourself why, because you are your own entity of value and if he doesn’t recognise this and value it, this ship can’t sail.
More importantly, if you don’t see yourself as an entity of value, there are plenty of assclowns out there waiting for you to hand over your life to them whilst they take a hands off approach and accept no responsibility.
Don’t be a morpher! If in doubt, write down everything that you have been doing with your assclown, and ask yourself how many of these things are genuinely YOU.
Your thoughts?
My new book How to Lose an Assclown in 90 Days is due out next week but if you want to get ahead on understanding waste of space men, there is also my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download.
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Amen. I am sitting in that boat right now. I thought my EUM and I had a lot in common….turns out we really didn’t and now here I sit wondering just who I am. I’ve had no contact with him for three weeks and right on cue as I have been rediscovering the things I enjoyed and valued, he popped back up. I have ignored him but I am embarassed to say that the pull is strong.
I should also say that one thing that makes it hard for me and for some other women as well is that I am a mom. I am used to putting my needs last to take care of two kids. It was a habit I got into and was encouraged by my ex-husband (parenting just wasn’t fun so he didn’t do it) and that made morphing for my EUM even easier…almost natural.
One thing that helps me a lot is my job. Being out in the word…having good strong friendships—a place to laugh, a place to cry, a place to be appreciated. I know finding me is going to be a long process and I just have to remember that I am really worth it.
“The most common example of this is when you date a guy and because he can’t commit, and he pulls disappearing acts, treats you badly etc, you then decide that it must mean you don’t want a relationship and you let him pretty much abuse what little boundaries that there are left.”
I have done this. I have started to tell myself that I really can’t fit a relationship in right now, or I am not really capable of a conventional relationship. Or I tell myself that it is best for right now since I have a little one and he should be the focus of my time, not the BF.
This post has made me really sad today. I know that my relationship is not the best but I am not sure how to get out of it at this point or if I want to get out of it. He told me over the weekend that he is madly in love with me and that he will always be with me. My mom was here and he even told her the same thing. We have also made some future plans together, concerts, etc. He even gave me his credit card and paid for a day of pampering for me and on Monday night he brought me over dinner. He keeps telling me that he just needs time to get his kids off on their own. I don’t know if that is bull or what to believe. I am very mixed up today.
i am thinking of the boundries I want to draw. I am thinking I don’t want to sleep with a guy till I am married to him. Not sure if I will find a man who will do that. Probably not.
Hi NML, before I comment about this subject, could you please expand a little on this statement so that I have a better idea of what it means?
“But let me ask, when do these guys ever try to fit in with YOU? They don’t.”
Thanks.
Natalie! Get out of my brain!! LOL – jk. You’re right on, as usual! Everyday you write fantastic things that make me want to break NC with my ex-EUM by sending him links to your articles going, “See? SEE? THIS IS THE KIND OF JERK YOU ARE!” But then I don’t, thank goodness. I think I might actually write a letter to him that I won’t send, just to have a “chance” to say what I need to say.
ivyowl – don’t give up. If a man TRULY loves you, he’ll wait. I’m not planning on waiting until marriage (I’m not a virgin anyway), but I’m ABSOLUTELY going to wait until I’m with the right guy. It’s tough, but I’ll do it, and so will you! Just be true to what YOU need.
Hey Darl.
Losing sense of self is one of my greatest fears when getting into a relaitonship. That why is so important when you are in a relationship to continue to spend like an hour or so JUST FOR YOURSELF!
Thats why it is also important to continue having your own life too. Sure you are now sharing that with someone special, but they will love and respect you even more if you cont to do the same with yourself too!
Thanks =)
THIS is, as usual GOOD. Exactly what I used ot do. Exactly why things always failed. The only thing we had in common was treating him better than he ever treated me. I had NOTHING when he left – I gave it all away and asked him to validate me because I loved the image I had of him in my head.
BLEEEEECH. I’m so glad I’m smarter now. It’s helping me immesurably. It doesn’t mean there aren’t assclowns out there. It means I don’t get fooled by or taken advantage of by them. It means I don’t try to change them – I’m not interested in them as soon as I see the truth.
I’ll be available for a nice guy – not a b.s. artist / EUM. They aren’t hard to spot when you really and truly listen and watch over time before making any deciisons.
Both myself and my ex-EUM shared common ground in that we had both been cheated on by our respective partners and had both been hurt. But….. I morphed! and was his new pillow – he nestled his head on me (and sometimes wiped his feet!) and I understood him and accepted his pain, and in my mind i’d accepted that i’d ‘wait’ for him. And all this time I was just ignoring my needs and was so very willing to be who and what he wanted me to be. My god!….. I thought it was just my failing, I didn’t realise it was the common ground that all fallback girls share.
I am now such a damaged woman and I hope that one day I will let a real man into my life – but for now i’ll stay on my own.
Both myself and my ex-EUM shared common ground in that we had both been cheated on by our respective partners and had both been hurt. But….. I morphed! and was his new pillow – he nestled his head on me (and sometimes wiped his feet!) and I understood him and accepted his pain, and in my mind i’d accepted that i’d ‘wait’ for him. And all this time I was just ignoring my needs and was so very willing to be who and what he wanted me to be. My god!….. I thought it was just my failing, I didn’t realise it was the common ground that all fallback girls share.
I am now such a damaged woman and I hope that one day I will let a real man into my life – but for now i’ll stay on my own.
@Bobby I’m not sure what to add. The post is about morphing to fit in with guys and on the way losing your sense of self and forgetting who you are, your values etc because you’re too busy taking on traits that you think will create a relationship and common ground with him. The type of relationship where a woman finds herself behaving in this manner is not one where the guy is trying to please her or take on her values, interests etc. It is all centered around him.
Oh boy… this is a good one!! I have a slighty different take on “you then decide that it must mean you don’t want a relationship”. I morph into what I think he wants because I DO want a relationship. I start to think that if he has a great time with me, sees how much fun I am, how cool and awesome I am then he will want a relationship too. Problem is I never be the real me because I don’t know if the real me is even loveable.
Thank you NML! Ok, let me throw this out and see if I can make some sense here:
“Morphing, which in its worst form is when you shelf your own interests, aspirations, values, etc to take on those of your partner, is another form of co-dependency, so of course when you break up with the guy after making him the centre of your universe and in essence, shelving yourself, it will feel like you are no longer an entity.”
“But let me ask, when do these guys ever try to fit in with YOU? They don’t.”
If it’s morphing and co-dependency that I’m reading correctly here, then I must disagree. I have known men who indeed have morphed and tried to fit in way too much with their partner (woman and other men) in different type relationships. We know that co-dependency works both ways, and if I understand “Morphing” correctly, then guys most certainly try to fit in with their ladies.
I would however say that I believe woman may indeed morph more so than men, and maybe by a much larger number, but that still doesn’t mean that men don’t try to fit in which is the way I read the statement, and why I asked for clarity.
If you are saying that men never try to fit in with their lady, then we disagree for the reasons stated above.
Thanks for the reply 🙂
Bobby – emotionally unavailable men don’t morph or try to fit into our lifes is what NML is saying. Not all guys – just the EU ones.
@SuzieQ
Thank you so much SuzieQ, I understand better now and also agree!
I learn something new everyday 🙂
Kim2: I second that! I didn’t know who I was when I was with the ex, and ironically, after we broke, it all became so clear. FINALLY, I am being more vocal about what I want out of life and the people around me. It’s great!
Oh and here’s great article from O Magazine about women speaking up about what they want.
Well one more time. I tried posting this twice and it didn’t work.
I really relate to the morphing issue. I know that I completely changed when I met my EUM. It was a slow process but over time he became the focus of my life. It was always about him, his needs, his wants. Yes he did show some interest in the things I cared about but if you look at the relatiohship in totality, I would say it’s 25/75 in concentrating on him. I was along for the ride and what a great ride it was for a year and a half. Then it wasn’t and the pain started.
So all I can say NML..you’re right on target with this post, as usual. Another light bulb went off in my head when I read it.
This site is truly empowering.
Thanks, NML!
OH Brother! I have been such a dope! I tried to sleep when he slept, eat when he ate, watch the stupidest TV shows, be quiet when he was quiet…. oh my gosh! No wonder I felt empty after a visit. I will never give myself over to another like that again. Thank You once again.
I think I’m an habitual morpher… I’m here right now at my boyfriend’s house, working a dead-end job I’m overqualified for and underpaid for, to be with him. We’ve been together four years, he cheated once (two years ago and I forgave and we worked on it), and I’ve almost always wanted to stick by his side.
My other option that I keep waffling back and forth on? Go back to Mexico and be with the guy I dated when my boyfriend and I took a break – my decision to take the break. I want to be fluent in Spanish and have wanted this for years, even since before I met the guy I dated for 4 years, all through college.
But both decisions mean fitting my life into someone else’s, attaching myself to a man’s life. I don’t even know how to be on my own.
So does this mean I should just be single? Learn how to be on my own? I love my boyfriend of four years but sometimes feel like I’m not ready to settle down, nor am I ready to abandon my dreams to be with him. And the guy in Mexico, I could perfect my Spanish with, but he isn’t perfect either – who is – but he has these temper tantrums with all the people he’s close to and I just can’t see myself wanting to stick it out with him in the long run unless that changes – and I can’t hold out for that, I’m not that delusional.
Not sure what to do… I want to go to graduate school, maybe in Mexico, maybe in the US? Or maybe I do want to stay here in the US with my boyfriend but just be more independent – have my own place, find a better job? I feel like I’ve spent so much time studying and just being with the boyfriend(s) in my life that I haven’t really worked on myself and figured out who *I* want to be or what *I* want for my life.