Yesterday I wrote about common ground and how we have to be careful of placing too much emphasis on our belief that we have so much in common with a man, when in reality, if he’s not in the relationship with both feet or has already bolted, you don’t share the right common ground.
Because we find it all too easy to sideline ourselves, two things can happen that are dangerous:
He makes himself number one and you make him number one, which is why you don’t have the common interest of a relationship. You certainly don’t even share a common interest of YOU.
You think you have a lot in common when in actual fact, you’ve morphed to fit in with him.
The most common example of this is when you date a guy and because he can’t commit, and he pulls disappearing acts, treats you badly etc, you then decide that it must mean you don’t want a relationship and you let him pretty much abuse what little boundaries that there are left. Suddenly you have assumed the role of the girl who understands her man and is letting him do his thing.This is why it is important to have boundaries and values and to maintain your position.
If you adjust your yardstick to accommodate chump behaviour from men in the name of having a common ground and keeping the relationship, not only will you waste even more time on these men but you will lose your sense of self.
I have gritted my teeth through many a relationship and date playing the girl who has so much in common with the guy who she actually has nothing in common with.
The reason why so many women struggle to let go of assclown men and to No Contact is because by the time you’ve finished morphing to fit in with his agenda, you don’t know who the frick you are anymore.
Yes relationships do involve some compromise but actually that doesn’t involve compromising your values and boundaries, or yourself.
No real relationship between two people is going to flounder because one person loves Star Trek and the other likes Sex and the City. Trust me, I know this because the boyf loves all sorts of science fiction sh*te and it’s got sweet f all impact on our relationship. He loves watching football (soccer) and all sorts of annoying sports, has some eclectic taste in music, cycles sometimes (I’m not the exercising sort), and watches annoying guy films with people like Jean Claude van Damme and that stupid man with the pony tail.
Relationships are the sum of two individuals and whilst it is handy to have things in common, it is ok to maintain some individuality too.
Morphing, which in its worst form is when you shelf your own interests, aspirations, values, etc to take on those of your partner, is another form of co-dependency, so of course when you break up with the guy after making him the centre of your universe and in essence, shelving yourself, it will feel like you are no longer an entity.
But let me ask, when do these guys ever try to fit in with YOU? They don’t.
If you have to ‘fit in’ and if you have to ‘adjust’ to feel like you’re on the same planet as him, you should be asking yourself why, because you are your own entity of value and if he doesn’t recognise this and value it, this ship can’t sail.
More importantly, if you don’t see yourself as an entity of value, there are plenty of assclowns out there waiting for you to hand over your life to them whilst they take a hands off approach and accept no responsibility.
Don’t be a morpher! If in doubt, write down everything that you have been doing with your assclown, and ask yourself how many of these things are genuinely YOU.
My new book How to Lose an Assclown in 90 Days is due out next week but if you want to get ahead on understanding waste of space men, there is also my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download.