I was scanning my backlog of emails from readers looking for advice, most of it about a chump that is totally not worth their while and I could not believe the number of women who said they had so much in common with their guys.
The sheer numbers of you that profess common interests like golf, reading, music, books, outdoors, cooking, eating, DIY (you doing work on his place for free whilst he actually treats you poorly), only seeing each other when it’s dark once a week, walking dogs, making you laugh, molecular science, and yada, yada, yada, is damn well terrifying.
But let me turn this upside down for you –
If you guys don’t share common ground on the things that are actually important to the relationship, the fact that you both like Pavarotti really…doesn’t mean jack sh*t!
Harsh but true. All it means is you both like Pavarotti. If he’s cheating/beating/lying/disrespecting or whatever his MO of choice is, his musical tastes and the fact that he lets you join him on the golf course is nonsense information.The only type of common ground that means anything of real substance in a relationship is if you both share the same common interest in being with each other and being committed to each other and the relationship.
If he makes you laugh till tears roll down your face, that’s great, but if that’s all he’s got going for him, you’d be better of buying a ticket to watch him do stand up. It’d hurt less and cost you less energy, emotion, and self-esteem.
Why do women dwell on this whole ‘we have so much in common’ BS?
Because it gives us a reason to stay invested and avoid admitting that it’s wrong for us.
Another consistent thing I read about these relationships is that often, when the guy says the dreaded words ‘We have nothing in common’, the woman on the receiving end is outraged!
“I TOTALLY disagree!” one woman said to me recently. “We have everything in common and are perfect for each other! I can’t imagine life without him!”
Correction – I can think of at least one thing they don’t have in common and it’s that she wants a relationship with him and he doesn’t. She had better start imagining life without him…
If you don’t share the common ground of YOU then this relationship ship is not going to sail. Period.
He may well be an assclown, but the reality is that what you believe is your common ground is not his common ground.
It is not up to you to decide what you both have in common because if it worked so well, the relationship would not be floundering.
You’re actually projecting your perception of the relationship and for instance, your common interests, plus undoubtedly what you feel for him onto him.
But ultimately, they’re not his interests or feelings, hence you no longer have anything in common.
This is one of those things that you need to accept as a given and not expend too much energy trying to analyse it because you can’t force a common ground and you certainly can’t force a relationship and him to love you as we discussed yesterday.
Look at this way, from the moment that he either says that you have nothing in common or from the moment you discover that you don’t share the common interest of a relationship where you both have both feet in, it is time to make a dignified exit.
My new book How to Lose an Assclown in 90 Days is due out next week but if you want to get ahead on understanding waste of space men, there is also my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download.