For as long as I can remember, I’ve been over-responsible. I’ve felt that I have to be strong and so avoid showing ‘weakness’ by asking for help, expressing needs or sharing my feelings. I’ve hung back and dimmed my light so that my brother and then others could shine and they wouldn’t feel the need to reject or abandon me for taking up too much space or making them feel inferior in some way.
Thanks to family who like to carry on as if they’re in an episode of Dallas/Dynasty/Sons & Daughters/Falcon Crest, I know how to read a room. I can feel the tension shift in the air without seeing or hearing what’s going on. By the time I started school, I understood that it was my job to be a mind-reader and that I must try to be as pleasing as possible even if it hurt. Being told that me being “pretty” and “too bright” caused problems multiplied my shame. I felt it best to not be too good at anything and instinctively blamed myself for other people’s everything. Experience taught me that I could be in trouble or be the cause of an issue, even if I wasn’t there or had nothing to do with it.
I learned that it’s my job to make people happy and that if I can do that, then I will be allowed to be happy.
I’m not alone.
They are people pleasers who suppress and repress themselves to prioritise others and also to minimise or eliminate conflict, criticism, rejection, disappointment and loss. They do what are often good things but for the wrong reasons and it’s because, like me, they didn’t/don’t know any different.
Over-responsible people are often the eldest or an only child, but wherever they fall in the family, they assumed a role within it which they felt was their ‘job’. They fulfilled and often still continue to fill this role even when they’re long into adulthood because they want to do their part and ‘help out’. They also want to feel OK and get attention, affection, approval, love and validation. Sometimes being over-responsible is taught, so the child is frequently told that they’re responsible for something or someone. Even if there weren’t overt messages, parents/caregivers may have implied it. Sometimes it’s that they taught themselves and assumed more responsibility because of a change in circumstances. They also may infer. I’ve spoken to a lot of people who are like me–a mix of the two.
If you get told off for stuff or blamed for certain things, you think you’re responsible for it even if you’re not. If your parent is inadequately parenting because they’re absent or they’re chronically ill or they’re dealing with addiction and other forms of codependency, or they’re abusive and neglectful, you grow up waaaay too soon.
You might feel as if there’s no point in expressing needs if your parents/caregivers can’t/won’t meet them. Maybe you think that someone else has bigger needs or that your parents have problems and inadequacies. Being ‘low maintenance’ or ‘needless’ is your way of helping out but also protecting you from rejection. You might see certain things going on and decide to help out by being pleasing, never asking for anything, trying to be strong all of the time, and playing yourself down so that you can elevate a sibling or even one or both of your parents. You might fend for yourself because your parents aren’t around very much (they might be working very long hours) and so you walk with a sense of aloneness. Perhaps bad things happened to you but you kept them a secret to keep the family together while destroying your self-esteem.
One day you wake up in adulthood and realise that you’re still in this role. You might not recognise it until you consider where else you’ve felt similarly in life. It might take you doing the same thing that you’ve always done costing you your emotional, mental, physical and spiritual wellbeing.
You may have felt old before your time so that by adulthood, you were worn out. From there, you kept trying to get other people to take responsibility for you. It’s like, “When do I get my turn?”. Cue what might be a number of unavailable and possibly even abusive partners or other people in your life who you try to fill voids with. Odds are as well that you’ve tried to do this with people who you might not have realised allow you to play to the role that you’ve become accustomed to playing.
Mistreated in your relationships and blamed for their crappy, sometimes abusive behaviour and you’re editing and shaving you down to try to appease them while walking on eggshells through life? You’re over-responsible.
Grapple with chronic feeling of anxiety and dread because growing up around someone who used to take out their problems on you has made you hyper-aware of those around you? Convinced you’ve done something to upset them and that people are talking about? You’re over-responsible.
Have a sense of aloneness because you don’t let people in so that they can help you and are afraid of not being strong and needed? You’re over-responsible.
Not being you because you’re too busy taking care of everyone else and so running you into the ground? You being over-responsible is showing itself yet again and causing you to not meet your responsibilities to you.
If your ability to influence other people’s feelings and behaviour dictates your happiness, I urge you to consider whether you are over-responsible. Be curious about the origins of your over-responsibility so that you can learn better boundaries for you. Doing so will allow you to give and receive love, care, trust and respect instead of sacrificing you and mistaking it for ‘giving’.
If you’re playing a role that you learned/assumed, much as you’ve derived value from it, it’s causing you deep pain. Roles cut you off from yourself and they also cut you off from intimacy. Why? Because you’re pretending to be something you’re not. They hold you back, doing their part in keeping patterns alive that need to be released for everyone involved.
Forgive the little kid inside you for what he or she didnt know back then. Forgive you for not being the person you were never supposed to be and for not being able to Jedi mind trick people. Acknowledge the kid you didn’t get to be. Endeavour to take better care of them with self-care.
It’s critical to relieve your younger self of this role to set you free of the patterns of unhealthy relationships and situations that you’ve encountered.
Think about the role you have played within your family. What were the specific habits you’ve adopted to fulfil this role? What have you believed that it’s your job to be or do? How has this manifested itself in adulthood?
And remember: you can’t stay in this role just so that someone else can avoid their responsibility. It’s not your job to preserve a lie that when it all boils down to it, blocks you from love, care, trust and respect.
You can choose to be and do things that feel more authentic to you. In doing so, you can really begin to heal and stop the repetition of past hurts. Take care of you.
Your thoughts?
Are you ready to stop silencing and hiding yourself in an attempt to ‘please’ or protect yourself from others? My book, The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People Pleasing, Reclaim Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want (Harper Horizon), is out now.
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This resonates with me so much so that I thought “finally someone who’s really got it!” But what do I do from here? Is awareness alone enough? How do I know if I’m going to be able to have better boundaries about what I’m feeling and what others feel without just abandoning all consideration for others and ending up being selfish and self centered? And who exactly will I be since this was all that I knew me to be so if I choose to shed it now (for my better wellbeing) who will I become?
Rae,
I very much identify with you. As a kid, I was ridiculed and silenced by whatever means necessary because I asked a lot of questions and openly protested against the mindless evil hating bigotry of my family (as young as six). I got so tired of fighting and being silenced, I just collapsed. After confronting a family member about her allowing her husband to molest me, I began my first pathological attempt at suicide. Feeling defeated, I just kept trying to die from the age of 12 to 32. Until, via Natalie and other women friendly/encouraging resources I became stronger. I realized the problem wasn’t me, but the hate and mindlessness I was chronically surrounded by. Then a magical thing happened, I met a few forward thinking women active and thriving in society (they have excellent boundaries).
Utilize your time well, do not be afraid of time alone, and exercise your right to say no when needed.
Nobody has to give you permission to be you. Nobody.
Also, if you are doing right by you, there will be times when you will need to be selfish and self-centered. As ling as this is not a chronic, anti-social over-isolating place, you are fine.
And once you shed what’s expected of you, you will find the real you.
This is the purpose of life.
That word selfish is something I have grapled with consistently through out my life. Trying not to be selfish myself while feeling so angry at the extreme selfishness of others whose needs I always considered but those ppl never considered mine.
I realised that firstly I was so closed that I hardly knew myself what I needed let alone be able to tell others or allow others to help me. Secondly I changed my opinion on the word selfish and realised that everyone is a literary bit selfish and it can actually be a good thing.
Chi Chi,
Absolutely. All healthy people are at least a bit selfish at times and throughout. For instance, I refuse to engage in conversations via text and I typically won’t hang out without plans. That is for me. I also won’t engage my father or brother in conversation as my brother is a heroin addict who chooses the drugs and my father chooses intimidation and violence. But. I would probably go to the ends of the earth for my dog as she is an innocent and totally dependent on me. I also help out and care for my elderly grandparents as they helped put me through college and even though I don’t owe them anything per say, it feels right to help them.
So, selfishness is necessary on a small and large scale to some extent and can be very individualized/personal.
Hi Rae
Your issue resonates with me too. I’m youngest sibling of 3.encouraged by my mother to take care of everyone including her after her marriage to my father ended. My eldest sister left home age16 brother19. I’ve just come to acknowledge at the age 48 that my mother’s narcissistic. I’ve been over responsible caring and helping my mother with her never ending health issues finances and day to day living. I have child now age 15 we don’t live with her but visit every day despite working full time I have very professional demanding job. My mother never appreciates a thing is so critical and had previously driven a wedge between my sister and I. My brother died 5 years ago . My mother’s always seeking sympathy from others like she’s so hard done by. I’m so sad I’ve only just woken up to the fact that I’ve been manipulated all my life into being care taker of my family at the cost of myself. I’m trying to let go of this role and feel great anger and resentment particularly following my health scare earlier this year where my mom was still only bothered about what would happen to her if something happened to me. I am taking one day at a time trying to prioritise taking care of myself and my daughter. On reflection I can see how my upbringing has affected my choice of personal toxic relationships and why I feel alone. So don’t feel guilty ,start doing you. You deserve it and don’t wait as long as I did. Hoping for happy days ahead for all of us x
When my mother died when I was 14 my family gave me a day to grieve and a weekend to attend the funeral, then it was back to business as usual (eventually I would be ridiculed, beat senselessly by my father, and labeled as weak for not assimilating properly by the rest of my family). They called me abnormal. The only abnormality in the situation was their senseless hate and tyranny. I remember the day I went back to school so soon and an administrative assistant said’ “Are you okay?” I replied, “Oh, I’m fine; it was my mother who died.” She then replied that she very well knew that but was concerned for my emotional and mental well being. She sounded like a being from outer space to me. No one in my family had ever (nor has to this day), placed any value or shown any concern for my emotional well-being. As far as emotions were concerned, I remember my father telling me feelings were weak like women. Sickeningly ignorant of him, I know now.
The older and more mature I get, I have a dim and nauseating hunch my mother put a bullet in her brain to escape the senseless insensitivity and hazing she received from both sides of my family for an illness she could not control. (The way my family speaks of her still is none less than revolting).
Also, it is with great sorrow and no gleeful sense of vengeance that I observe every bully (which is everyone in my family) is utterly, unmistakably miserable. It is sorrow I feel. So many wasted souls. Such poor irreverent use of humanity.
Anyhow, there are people who see through the charm and to the hate for what it really is in these low self-esteem, or no self-esteem having people. In this world, if you have no sense of self or actualized boundaries, you open yourself up to being consumed. And it’s not about intelligence either. I have seen loving, strong and healthily bonded families with differences that make great lives.
I encourage all women and men to be stronger than mindless media advertising propaganda or senseless tradition and choose wisdom. And above all, value the life you have been given, it is sacred and strong in its integrity to exist. Don’t waste it on people who would have you to misuse.
We are strong enough to live integral lives without being emotionally chained to people who wish us no growth, maturity, or meaning in life.
Find what matters to you (the self being at the top of the list), and strive at thoughtful expression in society with goodness and progress at heart. There are much more important things to do with our gifts and talents than forfeiting them to make a cowardly person more comfortable.
“In this world, if you have no sense of self or actualized boundaries, you open yourself up to being consumed.”
Consumed…an excellent choice of words. It is like being consumed. I got to the point where I didn’t feel like there was anything left for them to take.
My therapist warned me that they will take and take until there is nothing left and then move on to another person. It’s so true and so disappointing.
Veracity,
I had a therapist tell me the same thing. And it is so true. I was afraid of being alone if I stood up for myself. But being alone and whole is so much better than being surrounded by uncaring people who leave you in pieces emotionally and depleted physically.
Jennifer,
I was afraid of the same thing! I was also afraid of being hurt in some other way as retaliation. Did your therapist call them anything besides bullies? Mine just said ‘these people’! 🙂 Something that really helped me look at, what I call takers, in a whole new way was Give and Take. He said with the takers to think about what they are thinking rather than what they are feeling. It made a huge difference, ’cause with the emotion out of it (over empathy) I’m able to better protect myself by thinking about their agenda.
Veracity,
My therapist refers to them also along the lines of “these people” too. She said my father’s behavior sounds narcissistic. (It’s all about his money, his cars, “his” women, his appearance, he hates “fat people” — revolting I know.) She also commented that he sounds scary (he lashes out in violent episodes where he either blacks out in rage — or just denies it ever happened).
My therapist also made a brilliant point. She mentioned a mega problem with abusers is they have zero empathy for the victim. When she said this a light just clicked. It made sense how my father could be so violent, callous and tyrannical and then blame me.
I like what your therapist said in terms of thinking as opposed to feeling. The best growth I’ve ever had is via compassion for myself via feeling which leads to empathy for others. It can work the other way too with me. Empathy for others produces more compassion for myself.
Oh! Another interesting (albeit chilling) profile of an abuser I have heard is that they create their own kingdom where in their mind (via thinking justifications) they excuse their actions and forfeit consequences via denial while invalidating the the truth and thus their victims.
So much of the horror people inflict begins with malignant ideas toward the “outside” and rationalizing on the inside.
Whew. Not easy stuff to look at. But worth it.
One of the reasons I love BR is because Natalie deals with the mistaken ideas and view points behind destructive behavior. I have resisted her and others here at times because it meant I couldn’t go on with my abusive behavior (no matter how subtle) toward myself or others either if I listened and healed.
But a life of cyclical abuse is no life at all. It’s an evasion of true life.
Jennifer, I think we have the same father! For years I couldn’t work out how he could just switch on and off from Jeckyl to Hyde and back again. Then I read some books on narcissism, and my father’s behaviours ticked all of the boxes. Then I had to make sure I wasn’t a narcissist as well, because I did own some of those behaviours, but the books said that narcissists can’t empathise – and I way over empathise… So, I’m not, I just had taken on some of those behaviours, which could be worked on. Phew.
But that blaming the child for their own bad behaviour really sets narcissistic parents apart – it totally messes with you on every level. I could totally relate to this post.
Cindy,
I have narcissistic traits as well. Am in therapy to examine my behavior and change. I also experience empathy (have since being a child — started with animals — felt horrid if anything bad happened to the ones around me; my father is highly abusive and cruel to pets).
I never remember having any sort of connection to my father. How he could cause the horror he did and blame others will forever be a mystery to me.
Also, Veracity,
I wish I could say fear of the abuser retaliating when you walk away is an exaggerated fear. It is not. We pose a real threat to rattling their complex web of self-denial and lies that allow them to exploit when we walk away.
For me, I try and try again to have enough courage enough to fight for freedom from toxicity and move toward healthy life. I still crumble a lot. At times my family still tries to break me down. But I just keep getting up and moving for me.
(And my geriatric rescue dog — I love her more than the sun and the moon and the earth and the sky and the stars combined — and I really do love all those things.)
I believe you, Jennifer that it’s real. I’ve experienced it. Even with my parents, they retaliated when I stuck up for myself, so I quickly learned not to do that…well at least until I was 16, then I was out of there. Of course they painted themselves as the victims and me as bad when I left.
Courage and strength are key in building our sense of freedom (and free will) and staying away. The longer we stay away, the more we’re able to build our strength and self esteem. You’re (we’re) human, so of course there’s times where you might crumble. I’m so glad you keep getting back up and moving forward. I hope you keep getting stronger and stronger and are free for good from them.
So glad you have your dear friend. My best friend was a cat and I supposedly rescued him, but now, I think we rescued each other.
Thank you for all of your insights and information, Jennifer. It’s very much appreciated as are you.
Veracity,
I left my father’s house at 17 when his drug use got so bad. Before I cut contact with him a few years back, he liked to blame me for abandoning him. The nerve! I really do not get people such as this.
I do love the expression “who rescued who?” And thank you as well for your insights, kind and wise words.
Thank you for your beautiful and profound words Jennifer
KD,
You are very welcome and I am glad they made it to you.
This is exactly me and I am only just realising that my pattern of being attracted to abusive men has been the worst symptom of it. After the most recent and obvious abusive situation it has hit me so hard that this is the exact reason it keeps happening. I have basically been dating a version of my abusive mother over and over again and they have been progressively getting worse.
Lately when i find myself in the anxiety and guilt spiral I have begun picturing myself as a little girl curled up in a ball in a corner and suddenly i feel compassion for her and want to cheer her up with happy things. I have put a picture of my little girl self on the fridge to help me remember. She is a nice girl and she deserves to be happy. Doing this is helping me, I feel like I am starting to take some positive steps.
Skye,
I have a picture of myself as a girl on my fridge too!
(When I start to be over critical or self-hating because I don’t measure up to the millions of unrealistic images of women I see day to day, I look in her eyes and think what I’d say to her — “You are perfect as is; if people weren’t different physically and otherwise this world would be pointless and boring. You don’t have to believe mean people who tell you lies about what you should and should not look like. Enjoy your youth and nothing is to fear of growing old — it’s natural and a privilege.”)
I have some pictures of me at birth, 2 or 3 and then at 8 or 9 taped to my bathroom mirror. I do my mirror work with them. It’s so much easier to be compassionate with myself when I see myself at those ages..so innocent and vulnerable.
Veracity,
Agreed. I was a fantastic child. I have yet to meet a child I could not say the same about in some way. I think we’re all just really trying to live a life that validates us and positively integrates us into society because of our differences, not in spite of them.
Mirror work is great, too.
Good point, Jennifer.
You are a really eloquent and effective writer. Thank you for this and all your other articles, as well as your podcasts. Thank you.
Of all the articles written this ones describes me/resonates with me the most. Sometimes it seems as though I came out of the womb helping/doing and feeling responsible for everything and everyone.
I was forced to face this a few years ago and I’m grateful. It’s not easy to change and the people that were benefiting from all of my efforts are really pissed and fighting it and/ or have left. Most of my family is not speaking with me because I dared to stick up for myself and/or refused to do their stuff. I’m disappointed we can’t have a healthier relationship, but I’m glad to have the break from the chaos and drama. I’m amazed how many roles I filled for the family. Right now I’m working through the scapegoat role…it’s very painful.
My sister who has scapegoated me for years was just diagnosed with lung cancer. She is not speaking with me because I told her that I would not stay on the phone while she raged at me (she had done this before) and blamed me for her not being able to fly to our mother’s funeral. For years I have been like a mother to this sister (she’s older). I’ve tried to help her but she refuses to help herself. In hindsight I see that I was not helping her. She was/is very good at finding people to take care of her.
There’s definitely a pattern going on as my daughter has done the same with raging at me and blaming me for her actions/choices/behaviors. I’m over responsible and they are under responsible and I have created/contributed to the pattern. I have not taken responsibility for protecting myself…I have betrayed myself and thrown myself under the bus so many times – thinking there must be something I’m doing wrong, saying wrong. There must be something wrong with me that causes people to behave this way. Taking responsibility for their behavior.
I have been working very hard at focusing on my life and working towards my goals and staying out of everyone else’s stuff. I’ve been sticking up for myself and saying no to the things I don’t want to do. I’ve cut out most of the takers in my life. I have been keeping my daughter at an arms length because she is still trying to control me/brainwash me. It’s very scary and deeply disappointing. She doesn’t seem to have enough empathy to stop.
I want to call my sister and offer comfort, yet I feel like I need to be prepared to be attacked.
It’s such a contradictory thing to be afraid to get close to the people you love for fear (knowledge/awareness) that you will be attacked for doing so.
Veracity,
I am the scapegoat of the family too. It was my mom before she suicided. It’s a grueling role.
As of now, I’m about to be 32. I have no close friends and or emotionally supportive family. But I am waaaay better off than when I felt popular. That’s for sure. I do feel grateful for resources like BR. I’ve found a few that have helped to save my life. Really valuable stuff here and elsewhere if you’re lucky enough to find it and willing enough to spot it.
Also, I cannot be clear enough on this: No matter how ill someone is they have no right to abuse you. There is a whole profession dedicated to taking care of the sick. Also, you are not responsible for your adult child if she has decision making capacity.
Somewhere along the line you internalized a message that you deserve abuse. No. You do not deserve abuse. Please do not put yourself in the line of fire of your sister’s abuse. Is your mental health not as important as your sister’s physical health? I don’t know you and I think it is.
Take care of you. Appreciate Veracity.
Jennifer,
I’m really sorry about the loss of your mother. I cannot imagine how hard that must be.
Being the scapegoat is a grueling and painful role. I read your story above and I understand what you’re saying about your emotions being considered a weakness by your family. You sound like you are strong and are healing and are taking very good care of yourself. We know are emotions and compassion are actually our strength.
I understand what you’re saying about being alone yet being way better off than before. I’m heading in that direction and it feels so much better. It is so much safer too. I consider healing and growing my main life goal at this point, so I am constantly looking for information, reading and apllying and practising what I learn.
I do understand that I don’t deserve the abuse. At first I didn’t get how abusive they were (it was normal to me). Over time they stepped up the abuse to where it was obvious (even to me).
I’m struggling with the idea of going complete NC with my daughter. I still have hope that she can/will change. She needs extreme consequences (her words!). I can’t tell if the manipulation/brainwashing is an unconscious habit or a very devious conscious effort to undermine/conquer me(all the while claiming to be trying). I fear it’s the latter. It’s heartbreaking.
With my sister it’s much easier to step way back, I’ll be sad, but I can love her from a distance.
Thank you for your kind words of support, Jennifer. I wish you all the best!
Veracity,
I imagine that what you are going through with your daughter is agonizing. I don’t have a point of reference for that as I am not a mother. I know you love her in spite of her behavior, but you still have to do what is best for you.
And, yes, abusive people more often than not abuse someone until there is nothing in the recipient left to abuse.
I cannot thank you enough for your words, they come as a great value to me as I have an abusive relative that keeps trying to leverage me in to talking with her. So far no contact is serving me well, I’d assume never speak to this person as she is highly volatile/toxic.
Take care
Dear Natalie, Thank you for writing such a great article. I have always felt responsible for everyone, their thoughts, actions, behaviors etc. It’s no wonder at this stage of my life, as I’m in my fifties, that I’m physically, emotionally and mentally spent. I’m a smart woman with common sense and know intellectually that I’m not responsible for anyone’s behaviors but my own, but the little child inside feels very differently. It helps to know I’m not alone. With Gods help and your wisdom, I can heal a little at a time. Baggage Reclaim has helped me during many a hard time. God bless you.
The weight of it has made me ill too, Nancy – I’m also in my fifties. I’m also grateful for Natalie’s wisdom in both the blog and the books. And now I’m doing one of her online courses, Tune Into Your Inner Voice (and Calm Your Inner Critic), which is healing so much I hadn’t previously been able to see (the inner critic, for me, was a shapeshifter). I’d gotten to the stage where I didn’t think there was anything else I could do, because I’ve spent a couple of decades on healing my inner child, etc. But I was wrong, and this inner critic (or critics, as there are quite a few of them, which is why I though it was shapeshifting) has now calmed to a dull roar and is, in fact, relieved to have the pressure taken off. Amazing!!!!!
So, there’s more you can do – small steps… And be kind to yourself… xx
I was told by my parents that I wasn’t responsible enough – but when I read this, I can see that I was totally over-responsible. At about age three, I remember my mother using me as her confidante, and complaining about stuff Dad did. I didn’t understand (of course) and wanted to protect my mother. To this day, I remember saying, “Why don’t you leave him, Mummy?” What innocence!!! I didn’t even know people who left people, so where did that come from? Of course, she didn’t want to leave him, she just wanted to offload her problems onto me, so she wouldn’t have to deal with them.
Neither of my parents dealt with problems in their relationship – it always *appeared* that it was the perfect relationship, because my sister and I never saw or heard them fighting. And Mum didn’t confide in my sister, so she grew up believing that our parents had this wonderful marriage, and wondered why she couldn’t find someone just like Daddy. She finally did marry someone just like Daddy, but couldn’t understand why it was so awful being married to him, haha… And I never married – because I was too busy being responsible for the entire planet and all who reside here… :-/
I’m 38 years old, and still the same over responsible, people pleasing little girl. Struggling to fit in, feeling like I am back at school whenever I am at work,or at the livery yard where I keep my horse (I dont go out socialising much – what are you kidding me?!). Women bitching about me constantly, feeling left out when all I want is to feel a part of something. I try to help out as much as I can, I try to support friends and family, but I still feel as alone and as low as I ever felt. It seems no matter what I do, no matter how positive I am, no matter how much positive ‘action’ I take, I still sense the rejection of others. And yes, my love life has been one disaster after another. I won’t give up, because the only thing that keeps me going is that just around the bend, maybe there are better days. x
Over responsible, me too. I can identify with everyone here. Cindy, your comment about being responsible for entire planet made me chuckle. There is something about me that captures, or draws people in (friendships and relationship situations) and they think I’m amazing, intelligent, remarkable etc, and they wouldn’t wait to see me initially, and there would be mutual efforts to persue the friendship/ relationship. Then after a few encounters, for reasons unknown to me, I’ll be the one chasing the relationship or friendship, and it will be one sided, and feels like I’m forcing it. It hurts, especially on friendship and o don’t know how to change it. What the heck is it? Now i believe i make people dislike me, despise me. I believe if a man sees where i live, they won’t wanna be with me (it happened with my guy i was betting on potential relationship). If female/ male friends know how my ex husband abused me, they will think i’m worthless and won’t want me. I’ve seen backtracking on new female friends who i have disvlosed my experience. It’s like all of a sudden they don’t know how to deal with you. It doesn’t hell that i’m in a new country and in my efforts to fit in, i stick out much, and all i want is to belong and be accepted but feel unwelcome. Sometimes i fear going to public places on my own if i have no friend as i believe people will think i don’t belong and what the heck am i doing. In a few times that i do, i feel like everyone is looking at me and wondering what the hell am i doing there, can’t i see i look different? I am ever grateful to a handful of nonjudgemental friends who have been with me through my toughest time of my domestic abuse and have stayed with me todate. One of them is the one who introduced me here in baggage reclaim. I love them and can be myself around them without feeling judged. Now, to them i feel like i’m not as good friend to them as they are to me. I want to do things and be there for them but i don’t know how. At work same, i first worked in crappy work place where the manager was a bully. “Your excuse was domestic violence,what’s your excuse now?” she said one time. In my current work I’m valued, appreciated and rewarded but i’m ever full of fear that they are just being nice, i’m not that good, and in constant fear that they will find out i am not. I believe,with my life right now, no emotionally available, and well functioning and sensible man will want to be with me, or they will drop me once they know the real me. That is what has happened so far, and in cases where they have wanted to stay, they have sexual malfunction issues (ED, micro P, PE). I’m even suspicious of any man who shows true interest of wanting to pursue a relationship with me. I might need that Online course. I’m forty and i want to feel like a grown up.
Correctios;
– “…disclosed my experience..” Not “disvlosed”.
– “it doesn’t help that I’m in a new country…” Not “hell”
Nat, methinks we might’ve had the same parents. I truly believe my first stepmother took me and middle bro in so she’d have something to control, boss around. She’d screwed up with her own kids who were out of control promiscuous drug users. Her daughter was a Nordic beauty who’d been given too much free rein so I was the dark, ugly, stupid rescued ghetto rat that she cracked down on. We had to show gratitude for everything, always thank her for the (stress ridden) meal even if it was me who cooked and cleaned up after it. You never expressed any negative feelings, even physical pain, because yours was nothing compared to hers. We constantly were reminded how much our clothing, healthcare cost her and my dad. Complain about anything and we were threatened with being sent back to my neglectful, abusive biological mother. I learned to read the atmosphere in every room I entered, acquired ulcers starting around age 12 from the stress. Starting at 10, I did the laundry, cleaned, cooked, painted, varnished, took down storm windows, cut the grass, acted as therapist/marriage/addiction counselor til I bailed the day after high school graduation. My dad passively watched and retreated into the Scotch bottle. At the end, she was a pitiful, nearly helpless, trashy drunken mess. In some ways growing up fast, learning skills, becoming very strong was a good thing but such could’ve occurred using love and praise. It took years of reading all I could find about family dysfunction to understand what happened, why, and why I felt so different from everyone around me, especially peers. Never had a rship with anyone my own age as we lived on different planets, didn’t give a damn about being a kid, pop non-culture, anything in their lives. Mentally, I was and probably am two decades ahead of them. After raising my bro, no way was I ever going to be trapped in a family setting ever again. Took me a long time to see I wasn’t the ugly, dull, changeling I was told I was. Today I turn 56 and celebrate my 10th year of cancer survival. I woke up with a prayer for my dead assortment of parents thanking them for my life, yet wishing theirs could’ve been lived of clarity, dignity, mental health. Had they had insight into their pasts, mine woulda been much better as well as my blood sibs, who were indeed emotionally lost for good. Folks here often think I am harsh, snobbish, cruel for my refusal to accept broken people in search of a meal ticket/surrogate mommy/caretaker in my life; I know better.
It always amazes me how similar all of our stories are.
Happy belated birthday, Noquay! 10 years cancer free!! I hope you did something extra special for yourself yesterday…today too! 🙂
Veracity
I did. I celebrated the entire week. Lacking a birthday tiara, I wore my squash blossom necklace even though it was lab day and I was wearing scruffy jeans/shirt. Went to the wolf education center, played with the alpha wolf that weekend. Beat the heck out of eating birthday cake, which gives me a bellyache.
I am new to your site and would just like to say this is a beautiful piece. Excellent. Thank you for writing it.
What do you do if you find yourself in a relationship and you have been playing a role that you know isnt right but you are afraid of missing out on a good thing by breaking up because of the deep desire for freedom. How do I communicate this to my bf?
Kristen,
I don’t know your story since you have not disclosed it, but sometimes you just need to do it and leave the situation, if things don’t or have stopped to feel right for you, even if the other person thinks your reason to end things is not a good/ reasonable one.
About two weeks ago I suprised myself. Two days after i went to a lovely dinner and spent a lovely night with the guy I had been dating for about 8 weeks, I contacted him to end things. I normally would wait for a good reason, or for them to end things. I said to him via text, “Due to how things are unfolding between us, i feel if we continue seeing each other, I will be going against my true beliefs of deserving to be in a loving relationship Where there is mutual care, trust, respect and consideration. I can’t force that out of anyone, but can give it to myself by removing myself from the situation where those elements are lacking or the dynamics at play will prevent them from existing authentically. Based on that, it will be best if we stop dating. I wish you all the best for the future. Enjoy the holiday with your ex and kids.” He responded kindly acknowledging and respecting my decision. The sky remained blue, the sun rose and set the same way. We did not have a fight. He is a genuinely nice, honest and kind guy who proffessed feelings for me and how he thought i was a remarkable woman. He is a very good friend of my friends who trust him to be a very nice man. He respected and treated his exwife well too. I left because, he was so nice that he was worried about upsetting his exwife if she knew he is happy in a new relationship whilst she had just broken up with her partner of 5 years. He said we should tread carefully so we don’t hurt her. He cancelled a meetup we had arranged on one Friday night so he can spend the whole Sat with her and the kids to “cheer her up.” My response, “wow, that is very caring of you. You obviously really care about her.” His response was a knowing laugh and promising me to “make it up” to me when we meet. Also apologising on how that must make me feel, but he is doing it for his children and to comfort her. Then we met for that lovely dinner and lovely night, where he made it up to me. He later mentioned how during the school holidays he will go with kids and his exwife to stay at our mutual friends’ beach house, assuring me nothing will happen and they will never get back together. And they did. This is a place I had suggested and he agreed, we should go one weekend with our kids (my son and his kids had met and got on very well). He wanted to know what i feel about it. I said, i’d like to say I’m ok with it but I am not and i will never be. He said he had to do it for the children and her ex as he cares about how hurt and devastated she is. I said, well there is my feelings too that are obviously not being considered or prioritised. He told me how they support each other, and she would go to his home and clean their children’s rooms and house (he is extremely messy). I said they obviously care for each other, “how lovely!” They went and spent 3 days together. He thought he will get back and we will continue as per usual.
Anyway, cutting the story short, I really liked him and he did (or at least that’s how he behaved like), and may be it is true that he will never get back to his ex, but I was not feeling good about the situation, and felt i will be trapped in the land of anxiety and insecurity if i continued. It sounds selfish, may be, but though i admire his level of care for exwife, i felt my feelings didn’t matter to him and he thought I should be ok with it and understand, and basically wait for “my turn.”
My friends are assuring me how it is true he wont be back with his wife (not convincing me to get back), but i don’t care. And I feel ok and content with my decision. Though sometimes i wonder if i have thrown away “the one” but i am slowly starting to think if they have to come with anxiety inducing and insecurity triggering qualities, I’ll pass.
May be my story is unrelated to yours, but I guess the lesson that i got from mine is, sometimes you just need to leave the situation if it does not feel right for you, even if the other person has not done Asscrownery things to you, and he is not expecting you to end it. I hope this helps. Good luck in sorting out why you are feeling what you are feeling, and making the decision that is good for you.
I always just accepted this as my nature-a giver in a world of takers. But reading this has helped me to realize that my behavior is not healthy, and I need to find a way to heal myself. I am the youngest, and I clearly remember as a child running around bringing pillows to my parents and siblings, making sure they were comfortable before I could relax and watch whatever it was we were watching on TV. My mother always told me I was perfect until I was five, and I think it was when I first started trying to have my own ideas about things. If I felt sick or unhappy, I was told to go to my room so I wouldn’t disturb anybody in the family. So yes, I have been in a slew of relationships where initially it is good, but then my boyfriend comes to despise me and perhaps himself, because I am constantly trying to please him and make him happy, and he can never be equally giving. I read so many fairy tales growing up, that teach you to be good and think of others first. So this is how I thought I was supposed to be. But my whole life I have been punished for being this way, while I watch who I consider as ‘the selfish people’ be adored and get ahead of me in the workplace. And now that I’m 50 I realize that it is my fault, but I don’t know how to change at this point and am finding it easier to cut all human relationships out of my life than continue to suffer at the hands of people that I love and give everything to, who take and take and give nothing back. I kept hoping I would find someone like me, and we would have a beautiful life together caring for each other, but now I think this idea is just a fairytale I have created in my mind. I don’t mind being alone, because I appreciate who I am, but I reo getting suckered into these relationships with men who start out worshipping me and telling me how amazing I am, and then eventually end up treating me like dirt because I don’t know how to assert myself, and they feel guilty. I am terrified of conflict,and would rather succumb than fight. It’s not about self-loathing, because I see myself as a better person than the takers, but then I wonder if my beliefs and world views are all wrong. I don’t know how to change myself…..how do I begin?