Last week, I had what I refer to as a ‘punchbulb moment’: a lightbulb moment that punches you in the head, aka an epiphany. Like when I suddenly clicked that what had happened with my father and his family (being frozen out and the Chinese whispers) was part of a bigger pattern that existed before I was even born and the grief anguish dried up. Or when a series of incidences related to having failed my driving test twice while pregnant along with a few work-related things shone a light on the fact that I am a perfectionist (a recovering one now, thankfully, although it takes vigilance!)
Anyway, last week I failed my driving test for the third time. Guess what? The sky didn’t fall down, although I did bawl my eyes out a few times on the day. I felt embarrassed (I hadn’t realised the car had crept up to 35 in a 30 zone) and desperately overtired. But I’ve rebooked my test and have done plenty of self-soothing.
Anyway, I digress…
Last year, I had hypnotherapy because I kept having a dodgy tummy when feeling stressed. Overnight, these symptoms vanished, and I now feel like I can rely on my stomach. A couple of days before my driving test, I had a ession with the aim of calming my anxiety. Sitting there in the chair, chatting what to my own ears sounds like crap, I experienced my punchbulb moment.
I can’t remember exactly what I said, but it was along the lines of, “For some reason, I’m thinking of my brother [the one who’s eighteen months younger than me and we were almost like twins growing up]. I used to feel bad because I was always made out to be the brainy box, almost genius. And they were always making out that he wasn’t... I learned to feel guilty and wanted to protect him… I wanted to give him a chance…” Despite [what I was saying] seeming unrelated to my anxiety, it felt vital to sit up and pay attention.
I rambled on some more, including about how I’d learned to rebel and not stretch myself so as not to invite even more expectations but also because I didn’t want to lose him. In the days since, lots of things have started slotting into place, and I see something so clearly now:
I was a perfectionist, but more importantly, I’m someone who unwittingly trained herself not to outshine.
When you try not to outshine others, it’s about the people pleaser in you that wants to protect somebody from feeling bad due to your feeling good or doing well in a particular area.
At some point, you made a link (association) between your talents, achievements, accomplishments, as well as people’s perceptions and expectations of them, and a particular person’s own set of these as well as how they are perceived. You may have mistaken “love” and “care” for playing it small. And even though that person has evolved and essentially got on with the business of living, you don’t even realise that you’re in protection mode or that you do it in general.
Fear of outshining others can show itself in so many ways. For example:
- Not wanting to ‘outshine’ with your feelings and opinions. This is likely to be the case if you were raised by someone who dominated the home with their feelings, opinions, needs etc., possibly belittling yours in the process.
- Going out with people who on some level you recognise you’re punching below your weight. You pump them up while diminishing you.
- Minimising very real problems because, you know, everyone has bigger problems. In reality, of course, sure, there are ‘bigger’ problems. That doesn’t, however, mean you’re not hurting or that your problem isn’t a problem.
- Putting aside a talent or hobby out of fear that your peer group will ostracise you. This is especially likely if you were bullied or penalised in some way for seemingly outshining as a child.
- Not wanting siblings (or half- or step- ones) to think you believe you’re the favourite or ‘special’. You then mind your Ps and Qs around them, trying to push parents or other family members to do more for them, and feeling on edge. You may, in fact, have pushed these people away from you to ‘protect’ your siblings.
- Believing a parent doesn’t like you because the other parent seemingly prefers you [to them]. Next thing, you’re also so used to this dynamic that you find yourself going out with or chasing married/attached people.
- Suffering from Imposter Syndrome. You don’t internalise your accomplishments and achievements all while feeling ‘bad’ and like a fraud. Of course, to internalise these would alter your self-image, and you may be afraid of upsetting somebody in your life. Part of the reason you might have Imposter Syndrome in the first place may be because you’ve got into the habit of denying what you do and who you are to protect others.
- Struggling to accept compliments and even batting them back. Claiming that this stuff is ‘luck’ or ‘fluke’.
Once you bring awareness into the equation, you’re already on the path to change.
In recognising my fear of outshining, the dynamics of some past friendships and why certain things upset me suddenly made sense.
Within these friendships, I’d found myself becoming aware of an underlying tension with the other party. I was upsetting them by being myself and so wanting to protect them. I also felt safe in these friendships, which was unhealthy in itself. This tension also showed up in a number of my romantic relationships. I remember feeling that I was going to have to dial myself down in order to keep the peace. Three particularly toxic exes claimed it was only a matter of time until I had no use for them. I had to reassure them I wasn’t getting “too big for my boots”. At the same time, I wondered why they said this when I always felt so worthless.
I’m journalling a lot and still making sense out of my realisation, but I’m already feeling a shift. In my case, my brother has never asked or implied that I should ‘sacrifice’ myself for him. As is always the way with reasoning and, in turn, beliefs based on childhood perspectives, I believed avoiding outshining ‘made sense’ at the time. It helped me ‘fit in’.
Trying not to outshine people is not only attempting to control the uncontrollable (a misappropriation of energy) but we’re also judging ourselves and the other party in a particular area when we (and they) are so much more than these ‘parts’. We assume this thing matters more than it does or that they won’t fare on their own without us playing it small. Stop comparing! Stop playing it small to magnify another person. Our powers lie in lighting ourselves up.
It’s easy to assume and believe that avoiding outshining others is a good deed. It’s not.
The person we’re dimming our light for doesn’t need our inadvertent pity that we’re mistaking for compassion and empathy. While our avoiding outshining might be conscious, it’s likely that we’re doing it on autopilot. We have child-like assumptions that we can control the uncontrollable and that we’re at the centre of and responsible for ‘fixing’ a problem. We may, in fact, have given up that original role with the person in question but are unwittingly repeating this pattern in another area of our lives. I don’t dim my light with my husband or friends but avoiding outshining others has shown itself in my work and possibly with my half-siblings.
Suspect fear of outshining has been getting in the way in an aspect of your life? Ask yourself:
Who am I trying to protect or help feel better about themselves by playing it small?
Where am I playing it small and why?
Where did I learn that dimming my light is what I ‘should’ be and do?
Remember, people pleasing is something that you gradually learn to take control of and life will shine a light on where you need to step up for you more, by throwing you situations that force you to recognise a pattern of habits that need to be adapted. Take care of you and be self-compassionate in your growing awareness.
Your thoughts?
The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People Pleasing, Reclaim Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want (Harper Horizon/HarperCollins) is out now and available in bookshops on and offline. Listen to the first chapter.
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Oh I SOOOO needed this today. So absolutely true and I have done it all my life. I am a talented dancer but I was always called show-off or heard comments like “who do you think you are”. Jealous petty people with their nasty comments kept me from “shining”. Compliments are still difficult to take and I really don’t believe them – they are just trying to be nice is what I tell myself. Just the other night I was at a show and got the chance to dance on the stage and just as I was about to chicken out my hubby pushed me to the stage – no turning back then. I had a blast and got to dance with one of my fav pro dance stars. On the way out of the theater I was stopped by a couple of people complimenting me. I thanked them kindly but really didn’t think take their compliments seriously. One wanted to know who I was – my reply – oh I’m just an office manager – no – he wanted to know my name to post the video he had taken. Wow… my first response was to go small. Have to think on this.. Thanx again Nat – you nailed it.
I’ve done this my whole life really, and I grew up watching my Mom do it. I’m getting better though, and I’ve distanced myself from friendships where I get ‘put in my place’ because they are jealous or whatever their problem is. I don’t care to diagnose them. All I know is that it starts to feel like you’re wearing a straight jacket when you keep stuffing yourself down to make other people feel better about themselves and I’m over it. You lose you when you do that. It takes practice to stop dulling your shine, and much of it may even be subconscious or automatic, but thats what learning to be authentic is all about. I really wise lady I respect once said to me, “Be who you are, let yourself be true and wear your spirit on the outside like a coat. The people who wear the same kind of coat will see you in a crowd.” While letting my spirit shine and come out to be seen uncensored is sometimes scary and feels vulnerable, I am working on it until hopefully it becomes natural. It feels good to just let some shit go and stop worrying about what people think so much.
Selkie
Thank you for sharing that quote. I really like it.
Yes, this is a main story in my life as well. I did well in school when I was young and was also good at a lot of other things. But girls at school teased me and called me “miss perfect” and didn’t want to hang out with me. I stopped trying as hard in school, didn’t pursue music (which I loved) and tried to always let the other girls go out with the boys I liked, if they liked them too. As am adult I am now doing a job that I like but never followed my dreams, friends who were jealous took off eventually anyways and I ended up marrying someone who I felt sorry for and felt I had to help. I wish so much I had been encouraged to shine younger, but I am taking life by the horns as I can now. I am learning guitar and taking voice lessons (in my 30s), still married but working on things and making friends with people who actually love me and want me to do well. It’s been a life long lesson.. Don’t dull your shine for others! When I have shone, the one who were jealous went away but the true friends were inspired (and I by them too). Shine together! Thanks for this post Nat.
ShineOn
What you said is so true and in my 30s I’ve had to find how to live this for myself also. It’s so freeing… 🙂
“Don’t dull your shine for others! When I have shone, the one who were jealous went away but the true friends were inspired (and I by them too). Shine together!”
Shine on (literally)! 🙂
Awesome. I’m in my 30s, single and without children. Even though my life is taking a positive direction now that I have severely limited contact with old friends, this makes me a loser to be pitied.
I get it that having a child is huge step which people get excited about, but it really is true that there is NO ONE to get excited and high five me now that the product brand I’ve worked on looks like it will go national, which is huge (I think). I need to not care that other people just don’t care when I tell them my “news”. I have to accept that if I were marrying some (unsuitable) man – any man – or having a baby, I’d get a far less chilly reception. Oh well, I didn’t start a company to get praise anyway. :/
Congrats, so true ~ that is worth celebrating! I feel the same about my family. There have been things in my career that have been big accomplishments, and they say nothing and don’t seem at all interested. It’s kind of sad. It was even more disappointing when one parent started talking to me excitedly about a stranger’s career success….it’s a stranger, and on top of it, the accomplishment wasn’t anything staggering.
A, I do realize (and I think we all ought to if we haven’t already) that people like what they understand, and don’t like what they don’t understand.
But, people in general “understand” getting married, having children, being someones’ spouse (vs. being single in your 30 and making some poor partygoer awkward for a passing moment, aww)because most people can relate to it.
Most people who are married cannot and do not want to relate to a single person in their age bracket unless it’s to quickly whack that situation by fixing up that single person with one of their “friends”.
Ew…
Yep – a mirror of themselves – to validate themselves/ their choices – like us all.
I disagree, oona. There are people who can feel happy for others accomplishments even when they are way out of our experience. If you care about a friend, family member, then whatever floats their boat is celebrated. If you just want to be validated by everyone around you or be controlling of everyone around you.
Well CONGRATULATIONS So True! Good work. 🙂 I have a son but I can relate ti sometimes feeling like I get a chilly reception and sometimes I perceive it because im giving myself a hard time about it. Never the less I think it is important to meet new people and make new friends. I had to let go of some friendships and it seems like as we get older we dont get out as much and hopefully are wiser about making choices about who we involve ourselves with in our life so it can be slow going but it is a lot of good people out there who are also a little cautious.
Thanks HappyAgain – I’m happy again too!
It’s true what you say about getting out and making new friends.
So True,
Some people get far too excited over their own biology.
I think your accomplishment is amazing. Virtual high five from me to you!
So True:
It IS huge. I AM excited for you. I am glad to high-five you!
Sheesh, if you’re busy enough and are being hassled by enough people during the day, it’s absolutely bliss to go home to an empty house. I go home to a shared house with two others and a cat, but even we need to have nights off and away from each other. (Especially the cat. He likes plenty of alone time.)
Much of this is jealousy, you know. Married people who are in unhappy relationships, with kids who have ‘let them down’ in the thousand normal ways that kids let down their parents, and who constantly compare themselves to imaginary television families, are ALWAYS jealous of the busy single with her shit together.
Agreed, Etherelda, about jealousy on the part of those who are actually bothered by someone else’s life choices. I think it comes into play towards couples who have decided not to have children as well ~ some are envious of the free time and open possibilities, or didn’t feel that they had the choice to decide to be single or not have kids…so it’s not “fair” that others get to do so.
Guilty as charged. On all fronts. Mostly family dynamics. Ouch, that hurts. It lasted for YEARS and YEARS. ‘Stop showing off’, ‘stop skiting’, ‘you always want to be the centre of attention’, ‘you’ll get a big head’, etc etc etc, any time I did ANYTHING noteworthy!
Yet thankfully I have an irrepressible spirit, and that usually burst out at the seams and saved the day, much to everyone’s annoyance. I am now stretching and growing out of the be-littling, day by day, and it’s really liberating and scary and joyous.
And this kind of self-punishing (where you take on the job of punishing yourself, after having been taught to do this by others) is light years away from real humility. Real humility is a great virtue. But in order to achieve it, you have to learn the truth about yourself and where you really are in the universe.
The best definition of humility I heard was that by C S Lewis – where you could build the best cathedral in the world, and yet be equally happy if someone else had done it instead of you.
THAT’S what I’m aiming for.
Great post Natalie, thank you, just what I needed to read today. Gonna reread and think on it. Good luck with the driving test 😉 xx
Driving lessons! 😉
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HN_kOED6zGE
Awesome post Nat! I am seriously guilty of this one. It’s a response to being called a showoff, hyper responsible, snob, brown noser, that I am doing too much in life, and a host of less pleasant things. Also, there is beaucoup stuff out there on other sites saying chix have to “tone down their alpha characteristics, be soft, be vulnerable” and that one should not “correct” men when they do something for you but incorrectly (the end result of which is YOU wind up redoing it right on the sly), that men need to be “needed”. Its my trying to avoid rejection by not coming off as too strong, too assertive. True, modesty, humility are good traits but yep, it isn’t Noquays fault that folks may have learned fewer skills, abilities, or chose not to strive toward their true potential. Folks that realize you are indeed batting well below your weight always resent who you are in the end.
I have felt exactly this my whole life and only now is it rising to the surface in a way that I have to take notice.
I have always been very good academically, far beyond everyone else in my family even those that are well educated too. Amongst older siblings I have always been a target of bullying about this. There is a resentment where they feel I was given more opportunities than them and so I play my achievements down so as not to outshine them. As the youngest I feel the assumption is that they should be doing better than me. That achievement should come in age order so to speak!
Its taking a long time to let myself be proud of me for how well I do. I’m getting there:) Celebrating my achievements is something I am planning to do more of.
Similarly, I was told at school that I was ugly and as I grew up and realised that was a lie told to me by jealous young girls; I now struggle to accept when I am appreciated for the way I look.
A catalyst for these realisations came from a relationship with a man that for the first time in my life felt genuine. Like you Nat, I don’t feel the need to downplay my intelligence or beauty at all when with him. For the very first time in my life when he tells me I am beautiful I believe it. Needless to say even if me and this man don’t work out, it is something that has changed my life.
I think the way we are with different people is important to note. When we are truly comfortable with someone, when they truly “see” us then our light will naturally shine. These are the people who enrich our lives. When we feel we need to downplay our particular brand of greatness that should be a red flag that we heed as to the healthiness of that relationship be it platonic, family or romantic.
Again like you Nat, I have had a man basically tell me my intelligence and beauty threatened him. It was an awful feeling to be so openly ridiculed for good features of myself that I cannot and should not ever want to change.
Thank you for writing this, I needed this today.
I definitely have spent my life hiding my light, letting others shine at my expense, being the cheerleader for others. In my late thirties I started to recognize this. I think I have been sleepwalking since that realization, just doing things the way I always have, not asking the whys, changing nothing.
I’m very close to my mother and…events in the last four years have shown me that there’s a lot of toxicity in that relationship. It is true that someone can “love you to death”.
I recognized myself in all of Natalies self-minimizing points, especially 1,2,3,5, and 8.
I am praying that I still have time to really come into my own. I don’t have time to play. No, let me reword that. I have DECIDED it is time to come into my own.
Ah, yes, narc mothers. Had an aha moment with mine, at Easter. She’s in her early 80’s. Doesn’t have the stamina to host and cook holiday meals anymore, but won’t admit it. My sister, sister-in-law and cousin offer to have the meal at their homes, and I offer to cook it — she won’t hear of it (and of course, she always gets her way.)
What actually happens is that she starts the meal, and then becomes so exhausted that she has to go lie down — leaving me to do the rest. She wakes up in time to micromanage everything just as I’m getting the meal on the table.
It’s so predictable that my brother and I have bets going about when she’s going to come out, and what she is going to complain about. This past Easter, though, I had everything running like clockwork, and there was just nothing undone, nothing that she could criticize. She just looks at me and says, “You did better than I do — you’re not supposed to do that!” She acted like she was joking, and of course, I knew and she knew, that it really wasn’t a joke.
I guess I had not realized how competitive she really is with me — then I just began remembering all these incidents — both as a child and as an adult — where she had been jealous and nasty when I was successful at something.
To make it even more confusing, she also belittled me for making mistakes, and for “average” performance — getting C’s, instead of A’s at school. So getting C’s, I would be berated. Yet when I got A’s, she’d sneer, “No man is ever going to want to marry you, boys don’t like smart girls!” What was I supposed to do? The best I can figure, is, do well enough so that she could show me off, especially to her beautiful, successful, but childless sister — and yet not do so well that I would outshine Mom.
As an adult, I feel worthless and ashamed if I don’t perform at a high level. I worry that people must think I’m stupid and lazy. Yet, if I am successful at something, I’m anxious, and wondering if people are resentful and thinking I’m conceited. It’s a no-win situation.
I’m trying to remind myself that everyone is good at some things, not so good at others. Anything that I do, there will always be people who are better at it, and people who are worse at it. And also, people’s judgement of me, and my abilities, is going to hugely affected by how they feel about themselves. That’s something I can’t control. I’m trying to ask myself, what do I like to do? What do I value? What do I want to accomplish? I need to focus on those things, and not get so distracted by what other people might think of me.
‘Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.’
by Marianne Williamson
Hi Natalie,
The topic you raise really got thinking, this issue has been lurking around in my life for ages but I never gave it any profound thought. Your post has encouraged me to do so!
I have found myself both on the giving and receiving end of the “dim-treatment”. I am not a fan of gender stereotypes but from a societal point of view, women, I believe, are discouraged to shine, especially in front of the opposite sex but this habit has also transferred to our relationships/friendships with women too. Yes, it is wrong to confuse dimming our light with empathy. We might think we are being kind by undermining our achievements to “protect” others but in certain situations it may come across as quite the opposite. As a receiver of the dim-treatment, I have at times felt annoyed (to put it mildly!) when people try to hide their abilities/talents from me. For example, if someone has many more years of experience in a certain area compared to myself, then of course they are gonna “outshine” me in that particular thing. Does that matter to me? NO Even if we had the same level of experience, would it matter to me? NO. When people assume I will feel bad by them exposing their abilities, then they are also ASSUMING that I am not happy with my talents/achievements/abilities etc. and feel threatened by theirs. Stop the assuming! I am a whole different animal! On the flip side, I do think that in certain situations and when someone is very dear to us, we do genuinely try to protect them by dimming our light. Despite the best intentions here, we may still be harming ourselves and our loved ones in the long-term.
Everyone is unique and talented in their own way even when not all of us put in the effort to cultivate our talents. Is it ok to dim our light in certain situations? This is a really difficult one and am interested to hear what other readers think!
RPx
RP, interesting point about undermining our own achievements to ‘protect’ people – certainly when I went through my not-knowing-which-way-is-up phase in my late 20s, I was once accused of being patronising to others when I tried to underplay the knowledge I evidently had. It was an attempt to fit in and be accepted, and had the opposite effect.
The people who inspire me own their achievements – they have the skill to be special and lofty and make you feel honoured to be in their company, but at the same time, they make you feel at ease in their presence, like you’re worthy of their attention and can be your best. Sounds impossible but I’ve met a handful of people who can do this and they are truly wise. I’ve also met high achievers who are arrogant, and they get a following of people who think they’re justified in being like that and blow smoke up their ass, trying to gain their favour. I don’t respect people like that and never think they’re that smart.
I have my inbuilt dimmer switch – it comes from having my achievements over-valued by parents (to the detriment of nurturing other qualities in siblings), while siblings tell me my achievements are worthless in retaliation. I was also brought up to dislike people who are good at everything, to believe we were all underdogs and successful people are bores. I’m just happy, in that setting, that I’ve got to where I am, and I’ve since changed my narrative. Now instead of saying I was lucky or that what I’ve done is not that special, I tell people it was a big achievement in difficult circumstances and I greatly enjoy what I do. I get smiles in return. Big thanks to Nat for pulling me up on this.
happy b,
I can very much relate, especially with being the underdog. When growing up, my parents had many financial problems and always considered everybody else better or more lucky than themselves. Reversed snobbery was the norm at home when discussing other peoples fortunes. Natalie really put a nail on it when mentioning this tense feeling that creeps up on us when around certain people. I think this tension boils down to others and ourselves not accepting, or being scared to expose, our individual qualities, uniqueness, talents, deficiencies, courage, fears and so on. It is easier to relax and be ourselves when others are accepting us as we are, whilst also feeling at ease with themselves. The wise people you mention are able to do this with every body. They have no problem being themselves and exposing their qualities. They will also accept that it is OK and human to screw up at times, and in front of whoever. Quite an undertaking, but yes, there are people like this who are really a pleasure to be around. It is really not all that complicated though once we stop with the comparing and assuming. Life is not a competition unless we want to see it that way.
RP, this is a lot to think about. That tension is something I’ve experienced particularly with chauvinistic types and is unpleasant. But it makes me think on the other hand, it goes two ways with the inspiring, wise types, and we gain from their wisdom because we are open to it and willing to put our egos aside, then perhaps they are happier to show their best qualities and vulnerabilities. They will be themselves whatever, but might close up around certain people.
I feel that people don’t get the best of me if they compete or want to pigeon-hole me. I’ll decide they’re not worth my energy and work on closing the discussion/time with them.
We are under great pressure to see life as a competition and to pit ourselves against more/less successful people, other women etc., or censor ourselves, but we can choose not to do this, as plenty of others do. It is simple, as you say, but also a work-in-progress for me.
I’ve been a people pleaser my whole life and I’m currently working on breaking that nasty habit. Just recently my character was attacked at work and I stood up to myself. My boss didn’t like that she couldn’t manipulate me, so I was fired. Yes, it hurt because I lost my job, but I stood my ground because it was my character and my self-worth means more to me than that particular job and if that means losing that job, like I did because I wasn’t willing to be manipulated, then so be it. It hurt, what was said, but losing my job has been a blessing, believe it or not! Recently, a new acquaintance has not been listening to me and undermining my choices and before I would have changed my ways to fit them, but no more. I kindly stand my ground and say, no. They aren’t liking the “no”, but that’s okay because I have a right to my feelings and a choice. No one can make me do something I don’t want to do (and I’m talking about really petty things here btw). I’m realizing that I don’t appreciate people assuming things. It’s like all of a sudden people think they are my therapist and they know what’s best for me and know so much more than me and can tell me what to do. First, don’t assume. Assumptions are people’s way of lacking in communication skills. If you don’t ask, how will I be able to tell you how I feel? And second, pride. What is it with people having so much pride lately? It’s like saying, I’m sorry is gonna kill them or something…sheesh…I am my best friend and if someone is not willing to let me have a voice and being able to see that friendships work two ways, then I’d rather hang with myself than hang with drama…This for me has been a GREAT opportunity for me to share with my teenage daughter! And another thing I’ve been working on…If someone’s actions or words towards me annoy me, I tell myself…Poof, be gone negative thought…Seriously, say it over and over in your head if you have too…
Nat, thanks for noting that denying/minimising one’s feelings and needs constitutes a form of dimming one’s light…OUCH! That’s a big one for me, being from one of those households that’s all COMPETE-COMPETE-COMPETE for unattainable approval, and it seemed at the time like a relatively successful strategy to “win” against my more emotionally expressive younger brother.
Oddly, even though a close friend used to chide me when I was a little kid for “using big words”, adding that I’m too young to talk like that (I am from an academic family and that is how we speak!)…I never felt any need to play down the things I excelled in…perhaps because I didn’t *know* I excelled in anything since I seemed to be always be getting chastised for never being perfect enough in anything ever.
I find this post particularly interesting from my perspective of having lived in Japan for many years and being married to a Japanese man (and no, that has NOT worked out well!), with that being an example of an entire population whose women that are specifically socialised to be totally subservient and deny their own needs, and make a special point to NOT stand out in any way. So much so that their national motto is “The nail that sticks up gets hammered back down.” They mean that.
Hi Nat,
I read years ago advice given by a counsellor (and have stuck to this day) re a woman who was in a relationship where it seemed she was more the independent of the two. This was due to her general independent self long before this man came into her life and naturally she continued in this (true self) way with him. If I recall further the story, subsequently there was a problem in the relationship that she was experiencing and the advice given was that she should let go of her independent nature, well at least some aspect of it to allow the partner to feel that he was needed in the relationship. I cannot remember the rest of the story after this point and fast forward a few years later, my thinking to that advice was the partner or person more suited to anyone independent is needing to be equal and/or more as that way no-one gets dumbed down so to speak in the relationship. This is unless the other partner admires more the quality of the independence and is happy to be in the relationship and appreciates the influence rather than being threatened by all the mentioned true account scenarios above (which are all self-esteem, egotistical, distorted beliefs, and underdeveloped, unhealthy etc etc etc issues).
Any person who has more to give in this world because of their talent and natural ability should do so with the greatest humility as these are gifts that ought to be shared and a beacon for those to pursue their own uniqueness and in turn become a beacon for others.
People do miss the point when they have someone really inspiring and admirable in their life as to their detriment they would rather belittle them (because of their own bleak, clouded and dark outlook). They most importantly miss the point that they too have qualities unique to them and although not publicly recognised, all the same it is something unique to them that the (belittled) partner does not have. People who are conscious to who they are can only ever operate at their best so this should be celebrated rather than frowned upon.
Hi Nat. This is just the type of article I think I have been needing to read. I think I began to dim my light when a new girl started in my class in primary school. I volunteered to look after her and it just so turned out we got on very well and as kids sometimes do, decided to be best friends. The only problem with this was that I would dim my own light to let her shine in places that I would have naturally shined too. During the end of the primary school period a lot of things became a competition between us and it ended in some pretty traumatic arguments that I can still remember to this day! (Nothing serious happened they were just very upsetting at the time). As we started secondary school together, we found our own lights and were able to let ourselves shine more independently of each other, but that is when the comments from other kids began..that I was ‘too enthusiastic’ or a ‘teachers pet’. I was just always a very excited, happy kid and where I saw an opportunity I would take full advantage of it! This relationship with my ‘best friend’ lasted throughout high school, with a few more arguments along the way until the last year of sixth form when we began to drift apart. Since being free of the friendship I have found my own lights again but its only now, after failing a few romantic relationships I am realising that I still dim my own light to please others, just out of habit! This article has made me realise a potential root of my troubles and that I don’t have to try and control the uncontrollable. If I have learnt anything this year is that you cannot force anything but follow where your heart takes you…
Gina, I couldn’t agree with your comment on people rather belittling the things in their life that are inspiring and admirable.. and it is a shame some people don’t realise or awaken to their own lights which they could use to light up the world. Doing this with humility would make the world a much brighter. Too many people frown upon those who have the courage to shine… ‘wake up o sleeper, rise from the dead and Christ’s light will shine on you’Ephesians 4:29-32
OMG. This is so good. I quickly learned to ‘under shine’ when I began working. I went to good Schools, am intelligent and capable, however because I am 5 feet tall, pretty, and petite, I was got given credit or pay I deserve. So I accepted it instead of beating myself up over it. Had I become a doctor, lawyer, or a Ph.D. MAYBE I would have been given more respect due.
I failed my driver’s test when moving across country to live with my mom and her second husband. I recall driving her car without a license for about a year. Oops, My Bad!
PS. Last year I left a Biotechnology job because the owner did not acknowledge my contribution of the company’s success. She had to hire 3 people to do my projects.
What a brilliant article! I too very much needed to read this right now.
I have recently achieved a massive education milestone against many many odds, yet I am still convinced that someone somewhere made a mistake and that I am not good enough to have an MA after my name and it’s all just been coz no-one noticed how crap I was and because it was just another fluke I “got away with, again”. I know, classic imposter syndrome, right?
Being aware is the key and I practise every day but goodness me, it’s so difficult and feels silly, like I’m lying to myself or, again, getting “too big for my boots”.
Feel like a weight has been lifted a bit now… :o)
THANK YOU FOR THIS!!!!
Natalie, this is such a great topic. It truly IS people pleasing. I like how you said there is a certain tension with some people that is actually your comfort zone. I could relate to that. I am far less comfortable with people who accept me than with people who envy me. Food for thought. Thank you.
Hello Miss Nat,
Thanks for the intelligent, insightful post as usual. I can relate, as well as the rest of your readership can. As a new (5 months old) Zumba instructor (which was one of my weird, inane, but no-less-real passionate dreams), I am finding this is true. I have been teaching a Zumba class at a dance studio (which, as other Zumba instructors already know, without a following is hard to build)and my class has been growing slowly but surely. I have also been leading a few songs in another instructor’s class at a gym (and based on her intention and supplication to me). Anyways, I’m under no pretext that I’m an amazing instructor at this stage especially, but when I teach songs in her class, there is a noticeable difference in the participants, and the class seems energized and they smile at me, even enthusiastically clapping when I’m done. And even though this encourages me to no end (keep in mind, I’m a new instructor, ya’ll), I find my posture and my mindset going into “dimming” mode for the other instructor once I’m done. Because I don’t want to be ungrateful and outshine her. Anyway, thanks for the article, Miss Nat. Although I don’t want to be a jerk and purposely try to show up an already amazing instructor in her own class (that’s just wrong),I can’t be responsible for the spontaneous appreciation of people who like my style as an instructor. Does this make me better than the other instructor? Does this make me Beyoncé? Hell no. (Interesting side fact, Nat: your dialogue box spellcheck automatically added the accent in Beyoncé’s name, lol.) But it does mean I’m worthy of praise, same as other instructors. Hot damn.
If you can make sense of this off-the-cuff comment, you get your own medal,kids. 🙂
Revolution- Yeah, that’s a tough situation to be in RE: Being a bright light in another instructor’s classroom.. As a recovering control freak, I’ve noticed the many ways in which I subconsciously try to control or think I’m in control. Dimming my light, I learned, is a way I think I’m controlling an outcome. I’m learning that it’s ok to shine even in a room that already has a light. A light may or may not feel threatened by the other light but neither light has all the power. Each one contributes different hues. Some people ptefer your colors & various shades of these colors while others prefer hers.
This instructor is the one who suggested that you teach a class, isnt she? She must be pleased to have all your beautiful shades shining in her classroom. Maybe she sees you as a complimentarity and is confident enough to hold her own with her peer and (in a way) competitor? 😉 🙂
Rosie,
My dear, you always come through for me! :)And you’re spot on. This instructor is a mature woman, as well as a talented instructor. She contacted me yesterday regarding doing a Zumba masterclass with her, so obviously she is down with her own bad self and not intimidated by lil’ ol’ me. Thank God. Because besides being very talented, I’m also glad to find out that she’s comfortable within herself (as she has every right to be) as an instructor. She’s amazing. And I’m happy to just reside in the residual glow of her talent. That makes me feel more free to learn from her (as a more “seasoned” instructor) without any weirdness. Because she definitely has things to teach me, and I’m MORE than willing to learn from her.
I did this my entire life. I do this constantly with my art. It’s getting to the point where it’s going to hurt my future career if I let it.
I brush off every A, every compliment, and community opportunity for my art. It’s as if I think I’ve made it as an honors art major for near two years (while going through serious personal upheaval) on a fluke.
I completed rehab. I didn’t miss a day (outpatient) and I absorbed everything. I was just about the only one so driven. I know without a doubt it would not have been that way had I not had BR and two years under my belt to boot.
I used substances like I used men–to hide me from myself. I have couple of talents and it’s going to be a lot of hard work to refine them. But I can do it; I am already on my way.
And that man I had a one night stand with who treated me poorly that I then started to chase? No contact. Graceful sweet, sweet No Contat.
Life is looking up. I’m exploring, cleaning, learning, and eating. I got dangerously thin again. Now I eat eat eat. The best thing so far about being sober is the food. Homemade cherry donuts w/ whole milk, fresh greens piled high with cheese, veggies and poppy seed dressings, sunflower seeds, cold cuts and french bread, turkey sandwiches drippingg with mayo & avocado…Better than any man I’ve known…yet.
Liked your post, Peanut. It IS about realizing we need to hold OURSELVES at a higher value.
Not dimming our light isn’t about us saying to others “don’t hate me because I’m smart/talented/beautiful/rich/sexy”…but it is about learning to fight back against those “you’re unworthy” messages we were raised on and internalised. Sometimes those messages are blatant verbal and emotional abuse. Other times it was subtly done – those moments when acknowledgement was intentionally withheld.
Those messages and moments started us on that journey of light-dimming.
Those early messages were wrong.
We have to re-program our responses to those of a person who really feels internally worthy and “worth it”.
Repeat after me: I’m Worth It.
Where do I begin with this one? Intelligent, educated women are a threat to the status quo, especially if they happen to be of color.
Being accused of “acting white” because you study hard sadly is still a thing in many schools, it seems, and I had to deal with that. Then on the other side the white kids resented me and begrudged me the high marks they knew I worked hard for. In high school, you’re either pretty or smart, both is impossible. If you’re smart you’re considered “ugly.”
The same things that the boys openly admitted scared them off in later life grown men often find “intimidating.” No matter how they do protest, men are often competitive and therefore threatened by a woman they think might be smarter than they are. Even if you’re not actively trying to compete with them or show them up; I have had SO many awkward first-and-last dates that go south the minute he finds out how many languages I speak, for example. I have even played with this trope, tried to stay off that topic, and it never works. Before I learned ‘all them languages’ I was scaring the boys off with ‘all them big words.’
There’s some retrograde book out that posits that men want to be “heroes” — they tend to choose such low stakes for their heroics that you’d have to be completely helpless to need them to ‘help’ and ‘save’ you, however. I live as a foreigner in a country with a fairly difficult but IMO not impossible (for English native speakers)local language — how quickly the light goes out in a date’s eyes when he hears me ordering for myself and realizes I won’t need a translator.
Elgie,
Thank you. Hurting tonight/life is rough sometimes. I really liked your last sentence to me 😉 Xx
It often seems to me that the women who are REALLY smart have figured out a way to conceal it so it doesn’t work against them. I am not that smart. Probably this is wrong, but that’s the way of the world.
Holy Hell I have had a breakthrough. I realized that my ex and the subsequent men like him had a hold over me in the exact same way the drugs/alcohol had a hold on me.
These men came in, noticed me and made me feel good. Problem? They engaged in too risky of behavior verging on insane and drug me along for the ride.
I thought it was that these men were magical in some way and were able to hold a supernatural sort of power over me. The spell is broken.
Through contemplating my brother’s heroin addiction, I saw how it worked. Though I’ve never used heroin, I caught up on the latest literature and learned about the effects.
Euphoria. Then you chase that…then you need a steady supply just to avoid gettind sick with withdrawl, and once addicted to heroin, you are an addict for life even if you manage to stay clean…though they let up, you can get cravings. Once your brain and body experience that euphoria, on some level it always remembers it.
I had an epiphany while thinking, “I’m lucky I never got my paws on any heroin, yeah, I’ll never know the euphoria but it’s one less thing to haunt me and I’m alive.”
Then I realized just how my brain is wired to get addicted to heroin as any standard brain is, I realized I’m not special in love: I fell for some men who pulled out some tricks to get what they wanted from me. They knew all the right buttons to push. How? Because I’m a red blooded woman. It’s not that hard and it had worked on many many of women before; these men had practise.
The only way a heroin addict stays better (or alive) is abstinence; the only way we stay better is No Contact. The heroin addict dreams of euphoria; we dream of euphoria. Why?…to escape our present selves.
Finding out who I really am without chasing an endless rabbit trail has been scary and painful in a deep way. It’s difficult to fight the good fight for a positive life. It’s hard to get over yourself. And most scary to realize your capacity for strength/good.
Nat is right. No Contact. No Contact. There is a formula for these unhealthy situations. Relationships are not unique and special unless they are available and healthy.
Cheers! Xx
“Relationships are not unique and special unless they are available and healthy.”
So true!
Peanut,
I can relate to what you saying though I have never done drugs I do distinctly recall that euphoric feeling when I received a reply to a text message. I know that sounds ridiculous but deep down I must have known he was EUM. I spent years chasing that same feeling that high only to never quite reach it.
I have heard it said about heroin too that nothing ever equals that first high.
“…we dream of euphoria. Why?…to escape our present selves.” Wow Peanut, you really hit it on the head! I just stumbled across BR a few months ago and am finally getting well into the process of getting to know and love, or at least *like*/tolerate/accept me after a lifetime of going around begging everyone’s forgiveness for the fact that I exist, people-pleasing, chasing an endless rabbit trail of hoped-for but never or rarely forthcoming approval from others. While I never had a problem with substance abuse (I have tried many drugs but none ever “did it” for me, except that alcohol dulls down my nerves so things don’t irritate me quite so much), my inveterate habit of seeking validation from others to compensate for my own total lack of self worth made me easy prey for narcissists and assclowns and skillful charmers who know how to push the right buttons, etc. I am presently still stuck in an epic bad marriage to one that I am trying to get out of. Onward and upward we go!
P.S. Homemade cherry donuts sound awesome! Got a recipe to share?
Hi Peanut,
“…to escape our present selves….” the stuff we get up to to escape the pain : we get into and stay in harmful, toxic relationships and let other people harm us. Take drugs, drink, smoke, eat, not eat, people please , overwork,stay lonely, endless ways to self harm out of fear of yourself. I`m saying that , just realised, like I discovered a new continent or something,it should be so obvious but to someone like me, with low self esteem it`s such a mindblowing discovery.
You are doing so well! I have been reading BR for over three years now and found the hardest thing is to face myself because what I feel is overwhelming fear. Like I think that if I do, not think out but actually do, things that would show me that I love myself I risk losing everything I have. Why am I so worried about losing bad stuff and pain? Because I don`t have the confidence to get new and better. I`m past worry about a man or friends to a point but at the same time I hate loneliness and I want my family in my life. Fear, fear , fear, not just worry .Ploughing through it and finally stopped smoking, for me – and it feels like a loving act.Losing a bit of weight too as eating and thinking how I`m doing my body good ( getting used to mindfullness). Putting boundaries up with family – not finding it easy to do it gracefully and trying not to critisize myself to death for not putting them up perfectly. Starting to open up to good people because I am now confident that I can tell and will reject the harmfull realtionships, got rid of the toxic lot two years ago- 80 % of “friends” after spending a long time thinking it must be me overreacting and they are not evil. Yes they are, simply evil.
You are so right, doing good things for yourself feels like a fight, I do hope it works like re-training your muscle. I will print your comment and read it when it gets tough. This fear is driving me insane, I`m writing this comment and feeling the fear that I might be talking complete rubbish and what i`m feeling is laughable. how crazy.
NoMo
This is sounding soooo familiar. As though we folks of color not want to lift ourselves out of poverty and despair as much as anyone else, to break the cycles of abuse and learned helplessness. Youre right about them setting their bar so very low, maybe they’re used to rescuing helpless infants. I am finding that most men raised in privilege have zero real life skills but can be useful in negotiating city traffic, which puts me into paroxisms of terror; would rather face Grizzlies. Down and out men should be rescuing themselves, if you’re in your 60s, living in a hovel, not sure if you can pay the bills, you have far worse problems than finding a date. Maybe trying to hook up with a much better off female to support them is part of their self rescue strategy. I hide a lot of who I am until I actually feel attracted to someone but it’s pretty clear even before they understand what I do that I am more fortunate due to my speech, where I live, even if I am cutting firewood and am dressed like a bum. Still I am sick of hearing “you do too much”; nope, many do too little.
My younger sister whom I adore told me today that she is seeing a guy again who three years ago kicked her to the kerb and broke her heart. She has remained obsessed with him ever since and I would imagine, suffered through his subsequent 2 year live in relationship and engagement, obviously waiting patiently in the wings till the woman broke it off recently and kicked him to the curb. Clearly it’s a fall back girl scenario, this guy is a textbook EU AC and I’m so sad of this news that she’s taken him back, prob for what Natalie has so often reminded us, for a ego stroke, a shag And some free therapy. My sister is 32 years old and old enough to know better, but at the same time she’s clinically depressed, and probably lonely…..bad combo and a sitting duck for this guy. Can anyone offer me some advise, I’m really sad about this, I I don’t know how to handle it. I know she has to mKe her own mistakes in life but I’m concerned she won’t cope with a second dumping from this AC in her current mental state (bi polar)
Well, Mel….you can tell sis about the BR site, but the ol’ “you can lead a horse to water…..” adage comes in to play here. I believe I saw mention of this site two years before I visited it. And I found it by stumbling into the article “How to let go of a relationship that never existed”.
Only thing I can think of is to tell her she needs to stop “trying to win”. She’s caught up in the love game and she is trying to win.
If you speak disparagingly of HIM, she will only defend him…she has to start looking at herself to get out of this mess. Don’t think she’s there yet. She apparently is “ in it to win it”.
It’s hard to let go of fantasy, especially when one is lonely. No amount of outside activity can cure inner loneliness. Sometimes, trying to keep yourself occupied makes you feel MORE lonely and more ready to reach for the familiar AC/EUM. Until you reconcile in your own mind that the AC/EUM – IS NOT – better than nothing.
Yes I agree, she’s clearly obsessed with winning his affections. I’m really sad about it…I’ve had my own fall back girl issues, but I don’t want to see her go through that, I’m stronger than she is. It’s a worry and I fear she’s going to have to have her heart broken a second time before she can start to put things into perspective and take this AC off that bloody pedestal that she’s had him on since the day she met him.
Mel,
I suffer from mental illness and I can say without a doubt one has to get a hold on it and seek professional help before dating will be healthy. Without treating it, it’s the same old story. Healthy is attracted to healthy, so until she fixes the problem, not much else will change.
Hi Natalie,
Wonderful post! I love your blog and this one really hit home. Throughout my childhood, I felt as if I had to make myself small to make others feel better. I did really well in school but every time I wanted to celebrate my success, I was punished–called arrogant, show-off etc. I was never allowed to shine. My achievements were always overlooked in favor of someone who “really needed the encouragement”. The less attention I got, the more I craved it. Now, I never belittled others but I really wanted to be happy and share the happiness of my success. But others never seemed to share but either got upset with themselves or jealous of me. They would try to cut me down and find faults with petty things just to show me that I wasn’t all that. So I would get top grades in class and then get teased about my weight or height. I would win prizes in art competitions and then all my classmates would get together and tease me about how slow was in racing/running. I would get selected to perform in the school choir and my ‘friends’ would tease me about it and exclude me from their games. So I paid a price for my success early on. I noticed that it was especially difficult among girls. When one of the boys did well–he was hero worshipped. But not me.
Also, I saw all these other people gloat about their successes with no punishment whatsoever. So I never understood why I had to play myself down.
Even the class teacher tried her best to cut me down, not praise me when I did well and deliberately praising other people in front of me just to show me.
Now, I understand that gloating and bragging aren’t exactly desirable qualities. Perhaps I did boast a little and was insensitive to others’ failures. But I never understood why my success diminished others. I never felt diminished by other people’s success. I was happy for them. So I never understood why they couldn’t be happy for me. It made me pretty unpopular.
Even my parents never bragged about me the way other parents do.We had to listen to how other people’s children were “so good” at sports, music, dancing. But I never got the chance to shine. My parents would praise other children but never tell THEM how good I was at music/dance etc.
The good thing was that I didn’t care that much about popularity because I felt that if I had to downplay myself or be something other than myself just to be liked, then it wasn’t worth it.
This also didn’t stop me from achieving my dreams and I kept my competitive edge. I continued to try my best and excel. However, I did start practicing two things
-praised others
-stopped celebrating my success–being very careful about not coming across as arrogant, boasting or even announcing my successes etc.
These changes came about through two important insights gained from maturity
1) Everyone has something special and that I can genuinely acknowledge that. This puts people at ease and feel better so it mitigates jealous /indequate feelings. Of course I am not responsible for other people’s low self-esteem but if I can celebrate my own success, then I can celebrate others’ success too. This took the focus off myself and onto others and diffused the tension.
2) I realized that I didn’t need to “prove” anything to anybody. That I didn’t need to announce my success to validate it. That even if nobody knew how good I was at something, it didn’t change the fact that I was good at it. So other people’s praise stopped affecting me and I didn’t feel the need to make my success public. I enjoyed it for its own sake–feeling happy and proud of myself regardless of what anybody said. This automatically ended even the minutest type of showing off (if I ever had any tendencies) and people stopped perceiving me as arrogant.
3) I stopped caring about other people’s reactions when inadvertently my successes were made public. I realized I wasn’t responsible for making other people feel good and if they couldn’t stand my success, it was THEIR problem. I was willing to acknowledge their victories but if they couldn’t acknowledge mine, too bad. This made my stop trying to make myself small and apologize for my successes. So I neither bragged nor acted modest. I became neutral.
4) I understood the reason for other people’s resentments. Many people view the world as hierarchical where only one person can be at the top. They also view life as a zero sum game, such that if one wins, the other must lose. I disagree with this views and find them damaging. This is what causes jealous feelings. If I am the “pretty” or “smart” girl, then that means others are not. Hence the jealousy. They don’t seem to get that we can all be pretty and smart in our own ways. So any happiness for my looks/smarts had to be stifled. Once I understood that, I was able to deal with other people’s issues with my successes better.
Despite these realizations, I still struggle with the early damage done
1) I too cannot accept compliments easily and wonder about their sincerity.
2) I feel afraid when I outshine others–wondering how this might affect their feelings towards me. I do not let this fear stop me but it is still there.
3) I have lost many friends who couldn’t be happy for me. I feel very disappointed that I have such poor quality “friends” that each time I do well and outshine them in anyway it invites hostility and often the end of the friendship. I wonder if I will ever find friends who would genuinely be happy for me.
4) I feel guilty about publicly celebrating my successes and many times don’t do it. Of course, I don’t need the validation but sometimes I really want to celebrate the fact that I graduated from Harvard or won a prize in something. I don’t always want to hide behind others. I want to celebrate my successes too.
5) I feel resentment against those who keep showing off and celebrate their own success (and belittle/resent mine) but remain popular. Somehow people don’t seem to mind their success much. I have never been able to understand why. Why it is ok for these other jealous people to celebrate THEIR success but when I do it, I am called arrogant? It feels unfair.
6) I feel bad that my parents never praise me in public or show off my achievements like other parents do even when my achievements are greater/better than others. e.g. My parents are all praise for other people’s children who got into less competitive Unis and we have to listen to hours of bragging about how their child aced chemistry but the fact that I graduated from Harvard is just ignored. Plus, I have to hear snide remarks from others how Harvard “is not all that great”.
7) I get tired of others showing off all the time and get bored. Another thing that really bothers me is that every time I achieve something, people feel the need to insert their own success, as if to say “you’re not the only one who is awesome”. I never do that to others. When it is their moment to shine–I let them. I don’t believe in stealing other people’s thunder. There is a time to celebrate everyone’s success.
So shining is difficult but no matter what we shouldn’t stop shining just for others. But we can learn to manage it better so we maintain a balance it not offending others as well as letting ourselves celebrate our success. No point in making enemies either.
Thankyou for sharing this Maya. It has some tips I can learn from but also much of what you write describes me to a T (for teachable, lol)
Thanks again.
I agree with this. I have often feared outshining my peers. It’s not so much about wanting to please but it has caused jealousy in the past that created toxic situations for me. Nowadays, I tend to only share things with people in detail who are secure enough with themselves. While I don’t bother to spend time fostering meaningful friendships with those who will only find reasons to be negative and jealous. Because who needs that in their lives? If a friend is doing better in a particular area of their life than I am, I am happy for him/her and I look at what I might be able to learn from that person
The one area I struggle with in this concept is “outshining” men. Men are so competitive that women are taught to “dim down” their accomplishments and intelligence with men. And after dealing with quite a few men who seem to be concerned of me “outshining” them in terms of education and career, I see why women are advised to do this. This pattern has influenced me to only date men who are on the same level in these areas or higher, despite modern advice that says women should be open to men who are at a lower level in these areas. Who wants a partner who would feel threatened just based on my education and job? What about deeper things that matter in a relationship, such as our values and attraction? I’m not even boastful about accomplishments and it seems to be off putting to men by simply sharing what I do when asked.
I am guitly as charged on this one Nat. No two ways about it. My sister incurred very mild brain damage as an infant when she contracted meningitis. As such, she struggled in school and was kept down twice in her early primary school years.
I was also raised in a very toxic abusive environment from 4-14 yo where I was told constantly that I was lazy, dumb and would never amount to anything. That turned out to be not at all true. I am FAR from lazy, intellectually I seem to thrive in an academic environment (although I work very hard for my results and don’t see this as me being especially gifted in any way), and in work endeavours and general life goals I seem to have excelled far beyond my station so to speak.
Musically I was once in a band where I was clearly the most technically profient member. In that scenerio I had to constant tip toe around two other egos and it drove me mental. (I ended up leaving that band and working on other musical projects that I found more fulfilling, although did not complete my work in this area due to choosing to pursue other areas in my life).
Because I am single I have also not had the support of anyone to ‘back me up’ in a way, including zero support from family.
It was actually two former managers and an external superviser I sought advice from at different times re work issues that had to spell the problem out for me. I was performing too highly and this was making me a target for jelousy from other workers less inclined to go above and beyond (and I only did this myself because I truely loved my work).
In another scenerio with a (now former) friend a road trip we were undertaking began to go sour. I sought feedback from someone close to us both wondering what on earth the problem was. Similarly he pointed out that this person was jelous of me (for various reasons that he explained and when he did this I saw what he meant).
All of these experiences have caused me to go very much into my shell and to be scared of really shining anymore. It was kind of like a trade off, shrink myself down to be more well liked, or do my best and be envied and much less liked.
What really galls me is that NONE of these people have a clue of the terrible struggle I have endured to reach the level of success I have experienced in my life. If only they knew. Then they wouldn’t feel so envious!
I’m currently AWOL in a way and just focusing on my health and studies in my efforts to now rebuild my life.
What I would like to know is how to balance this stuff without being seen as, I don’t know, ‘too good for ones boots’ or something?
I’m trying to learn to practice more humility but sometimes I worry that I fail even at this. These are the things I did not learn how to navigate as a child due to having no-one to teach them to me and basically raising myself.
Life is sometimes a perplexing. I feel as though everyone else got the rule book except me! LOL
Natalie, your post is so true. Dimming your light and having people trying to do the same with yours happens every day. In my experience, I see it happening a lot among female friends…. I know that kind of behavior is not necessarily the rule nor is in everyone’s nature, I also have really secure and 100% loving female friends and they are truly refreshing. Anyways, your post just made me think of an unnecessary diminishing experience that occurred not long ago. My current solution is: smile politely and walk away. Why? Because even if you are right fighting the point won’t change the other part. Now, while dreaming: punch, please.