Do you sometimes feel as if you’re typecast in a role that on the one hand, you derive a sense of purpose or value from, but on the other, it’s a rod for your back? This week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions is a deep dive on roles so that you can understand why you’re stuck in a limiting pattern and begin to take steps to break out of it.
First, it’s about understanding what playing a role actually means. A role is a job or function that we take on within our interpersonal relationships in order to ‘be good’ and ‘help out’… even if what we’re doing is harmful instead of helpful. I illustrate roles with almost seventy examples and share thought-provoking questions to help you get grounded about yours.
To come up with our role originally, we read various situations and observed the people around us and worked out how to ‘fit in’. Our fear of alienation and abandonment drives a hell of a lot of what we do today.
We worked out who it is we need to be in order to receive attention, affection, approval, love and validation, or to avoid conflict, criticism, stress, disappointment, rejection, loss or abandonment. Everything we do is about getting or avoiding those things. It’s our way of helping our family out. These are our ideas about how we are a good family member, a good person.
Every role that we’ve taken on fits in around other people’s roles, so there’s no such thing as playing a role in isolation. These are how we feel needed and valuable.
A role is like putting on a mask, costume or armour. It’s a defence against the past. We only took on the role(s) because of old hurt and losses. We misinterpreted certain things and decided that this is how we have to be.
Roles block intimacy as well as our potential and purpose.
If we keep playing the same role then we’re only going to be open to certain types of people and situation that allow us to double down into that role. When we typecast ourselves, even though we may have other interests and desires, we’re blocked from reaching those because it doesn’t fit with this identity we have (the role). And what happens is that even when better opportunities and situations come along, we don’t feel worthy of it because it doesn’t fit with the role.
Examples of common roles
The Good Girl/The Good Guy, The Dutiful Son/Daughter
The Lost One
The Irresponsible One
The Saviour, The One Who Saves The Family
The Rebel
The Messed Up One
The Achiever/The Best/The Overachiever
The One Who Doesn’t Need Anything/The Undemanding One/The One With No Needs
The Strong One, The Weak One
The Favourite, The Successful One, The Broke One
The One Who’s Second Best, The One Who Always Comes Last
The One Who Always Helps Out
The Underachiever, The One Who Mustn’t Do Too Well
The Overlooked One
The Loser
The Pushover
The One Who Always Backs Down
The One Who Acts Up
The Misunderstood One
The Outsider/The Black Sheep/The Odd One Out
The Helper, The Fixer
The Peacekeeper/The Diplomat
The Rebel
The Firestarter, The Scapegoat
The Victim The Striver
The One Who Is Always Pleasing
The Truth-Teller, The One Who Always Sticks Their Neck Out
The Stirrer
The One Caught In The Middle/The Go-Between The Fringe Player/The One Who Feels Like Piggy In The Middle
The One Who Has To Fly The Flag For The Family
The Pretty One, The Not-So-Pretty One/The Ugly One/ The Unattractive One
The Rescuer
The Geek
The Clever One
The Perfect One
The Angry One
The Straight-A Student
The Quiet One, The Loud One, The Shy One
The Keeper of Secrets
The Therapist
The Avenger
The One Who Does The Bidding, The One Who Does Other People’s Dirty Work, The One Who Cleans Everything Up
The Apple of Their Eye/Centre of Their Universe
The One Who Comes Out On Top
The Good Listener
Understanding the role(s) you play within your interpersonal relationships
Are you co-operating or rebelling?
Who was your role originally designed for? Who is that you still crave attention, affection, approval, love or validation from? The likelihood is that the role is for them. Who does this role fit around? Who are you trying to ‘help out’?
What are you trying to get and/or avoid?
Identify your rules. What are your shoulds and musts?
What do you resist doing even if you would be happier? Whatever you resist it’s because it’s at conflict with what you regard as your ‘job’ within your relationships or what you perceive as your identity.
Imagine that you were to let go of all of these roles. Who is it that you fear that you would let down or betray? Where do you fear being disloyal? Your answers offer clues about who it is that you fear alienating (or being abandoned by) and what you’re doing to prevent this.
What are your family members’ roles? How do their roles affect you?
Beyond family, how is my role showing up in relationships?
What do you do almost without thinking about it or very quickly that often leaves you feeling crappy or stuck? This is you playing a role.
How are you choosing situations to fit around your role?
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Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com and if there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know!
I’m deeply immersed in the role of mother to two under 3 at the moment and as a result have not yet had the chance to listen to this podcast… though I can’t wait as everything on this site is so insightful… Nat who do you read/listen to for parenting your two girls?? I am dying to know!!
Lisa
on 03/03/2019 at 4:18 pm
I apologize if this isn’t the appropriate place to post this. So many of the forum posts are years old and don’t save to ability to post new comments.
I just wanted to say that on Nov. 24, 2010 a poster with the username Obsessed wrote “I wish this site had some way to exchange e-mails so we could “buddy up” and lean on each other who are going through similar circumstances.”
Just wanted tosay AMEN to that. I would find that extremely helpful. Like a sponsor in addiction recovery, and let’s be real, this IS addiction we’re talking about… it’s be so helpful to have a support buddy. Is there any possibility of that happening?
Love the site. Love your books. God bless.
I’ve been running Baggage Reclaim since September 2005, and I’ve spent many thousands of hours writing this labour of love. The site has been ad-free the entire time, and it costs hundreds of pounds a month to run it on my own. If what I share here has helped you and you’re in a position to do so, I would love if you could make a donation. Your support is so very much appreciated! Thank you.
Copyright Natalie Lue 2005-2025, All rights reserved. Written and express permission along with credit is needed to reproduce and distribute excerpts or entire pieces of my work.
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I’m deeply immersed in the role of mother to two under 3 at the moment and as a result have not yet had the chance to listen to this podcast… though I can’t wait as everything on this site is so insightful… Nat who do you read/listen to for parenting your two girls?? I am dying to know!!
I apologize if this isn’t the appropriate place to post this. So many of the forum posts are years old and don’t save to ability to post new comments.
I just wanted to say that on Nov. 24, 2010 a poster with the username Obsessed wrote “I wish this site had some way to exchange e-mails so we could “buddy up” and lean on each other who are going through similar circumstances.”
Just wanted tosay AMEN to that. I would find that extremely helpful. Like a sponsor in addiction recovery, and let’s be real, this IS addiction we’re talking about… it’s be so helpful to have a support buddy. Is there any possibility of that happening?
Love the site. Love your books. God bless.