I talk to so many people who desire a loving relationship and who are also eager to break the cycle of dysfunction. What you have to recognise when you’re in that situation and your help/support is turning you into your partner/spouse’s mommy/daddy/babysitter/hider of their responsibilities, is that you can’t be partner or spouse at the same time. Conflicting agendas.
Some nuggets about help versus support from the episode:
We make too close an association between what we are doing and what we believe should happen. For example, my mother keeps expecting one of my brothers to fundamentally change who he is because she keeps doing nice things for him. And then feels hurt when he behaves as he typically does.
We can’t say that we’re going to surrender or relinquish control of a situation only to then try to monitor or micro-manage things out of fearfulness of what might happen and not being able to trust in life a little.
With help, it’s about working alongside a person to achieve a common aim. Or doing something that they can’t, possibly because we (or they) have more knowledge, expertise, capability.
If it’s not obvious about what form our help is taking, we need to ask ourselves what we think that person is not capable of being or doing if we are not there.
If we don’t have the option of saying no or offering up input as to how we want to be helped, then [what the other person is offering] isn’t help.
Support is distinguished from help by whether there is the intention and attitude of assisting with a view to empowering that person to figure things out.
When we offer our support to someone, we’re saying, “I am here for you” and “I am rooting for you”. Sometimes support is mostly emotional. The person knows that they have our vote and that they can call on us.
The person looking to be told what to do, for someone to tell them what the solution is, or to possibly have someone else do the legwork, interrupts their learning. They inadvertently (or consciously) pass on responsibility.
A really good litmus test for ascertaining whether support (or help for that matter) is within healthy boundaries, is to check in with us about how we will feel when that person doesn’t need us as much or at all in the future.
Got Florence Nightingale inclinations? Your efforts will be far more appreciated and boundaried by 1) taking up volunteering and 2) ensuring that you help yourself.
The degree to which you are ignoring you is reflected in where you are over-invest in other people.
Help and support is a natural and important part of a relationship, but it can’t be the primary motivation for the relationship. You can’t base our self-worth on it and it can’t be the bread and butter of the relationship. If it is, resentment is guaranteed. No one wants to be babied, pitied, or to feel as if they’re playing mommy or daddy to a grown-up.
Further exploration: What is your role within relationships? Is there a theme? What’s the baggage behind your helper role? Where and why did you learn to do this? What are you trying to get? What is unaddressed within you? How could you take what you do for others and apply it to you?
Getting clear about your intentions helps you to be more mindful and grounded.
Distinguish between desire and obligation, and desire and trying to ‘get’ something.
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During the week I made the effort to meet my father and his companion in another city which involved train travel as they were staying there for few days and it was an opportunity to meet up. It was known beforehand that I wouldn’t be up to much walking due to being iron deficient and needing IV top up. Both my father and his companion knew that.
I was up early to get my train, up and down steps at stations which tired me. Met by Dad and then find that we are walking in to the city centre. Father says what shall we do and my immediate response is get some lunch as it was 13.00. It hadn’t occurred to him and he would have had us walking around trying to find food. Anyway we had a lovely lunch and then we took a river cruise. I stated that I wasn’t up to walking back to the station from the river cruise end. So we end up walking and walking. We stopped for some tea and that revived me but I still had my journey home.
Whilst having our tea my father asked if the tiredness came on suddenly. No it was there because of my health. I got home with train delays and was about on my knees. The new me mentioned when my Dad rang that I was on my knees by the time I got home and that didn’t think he appreciated how my health impacts on me. He agreed but made the excuse that there weren’t any taxis and didn’t apologise. Words will be had as I am so angry that I made the effort and he didn’t even thank me for doing that and I have suffered for two days since with being really tired and run down. I won’t be doing anything like that again having mentioned that after a city weekend break it took me 10 days to recover and that they weren’t an option for me with walking so much. I set my boundaries and made my needs known for them to be ignored and not once did anyone ask me if I was ok at any time or take control of the situation. I felt really let down and taken advantage of which was appalling given how ill I am.
NATALIE
on 05/08/2018 at 3:16 pm
I hope that you are feeling somewhat better now, Feisty. Your expectations of your father and his companion aren’t unrealistic in the wider sense, but it is clear from how he interacts with you that he doesn’t think about things in the way that you do. You expect him to be more considerate than he is, to think laterally where he encompasses your needs (and those of others) into the situation. I think that when you make arrangements with him, you have to take control of any elements that affect you rather than expecting him to play the role of father and so for him to be ‘nurturing’ etc. It’s OK, for instance, to let him go ahead and walk while you go about arranging a taxi. Have a taxi app or local taxi number on hand so that you can you can prioritise your needs. Don’t forget also that some folk from the older generations have the attitude that if you’re ill, you will not be able to do anything or that you must ‘soldier on’. I suspect your father has an element of this going on.
Feisty
on 09/08/2018 at 5:01 pm
Hi Nat thanks for your comment. Yes I did expect my father to look out for me on that day. I had warned him about what I was and wasn’t capable of. I suspect that some of the attitude is not wanting to bear responsibility for the situation as I carry a genetic condition that neither my late mother or my father knew about when they had me. I don’t hold that against them but my father is unable to deal with illness, deformity and the like. What really irked was not even being asked if I was okay and both my father and his companion could see clearly I wasn’t ok. The reality is that I won’t be doing anything similar again and I did explain why.
This is so true, i love all the points you’re making. I have seen my profession as a cognitive behavioral therapist that so many individuals have a difficult time with the boundaries of offering help to their loved ones. Of course this is a symptom of behavior patterns that many of us adapt from an early age, very often from our parents and the society/ culture we live in. Re-evaluating ourselves and our need for control is one of the biggest and best decision we can make in order to grow. Thanks, im so pleased that I found your podcast!
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During the week I made the effort to meet my father and his companion in another city which involved train travel as they were staying there for few days and it was an opportunity to meet up. It was known beforehand that I wouldn’t be up to much walking due to being iron deficient and needing IV top up. Both my father and his companion knew that.
I was up early to get my train, up and down steps at stations which tired me. Met by Dad and then find that we are walking in to the city centre. Father says what shall we do and my immediate response is get some lunch as it was 13.00. It hadn’t occurred to him and he would have had us walking around trying to find food. Anyway we had a lovely lunch and then we took a river cruise. I stated that I wasn’t up to walking back to the station from the river cruise end. So we end up walking and walking. We stopped for some tea and that revived me but I still had my journey home.
Whilst having our tea my father asked if the tiredness came on suddenly. No it was there because of my health. I got home with train delays and was about on my knees. The new me mentioned when my Dad rang that I was on my knees by the time I got home and that didn’t think he appreciated how my health impacts on me. He agreed but made the excuse that there weren’t any taxis and didn’t apologise. Words will be had as I am so angry that I made the effort and he didn’t even thank me for doing that and I have suffered for two days since with being really tired and run down. I won’t be doing anything like that again having mentioned that after a city weekend break it took me 10 days to recover and that they weren’t an option for me with walking so much. I set my boundaries and made my needs known for them to be ignored and not once did anyone ask me if I was ok at any time or take control of the situation. I felt really let down and taken advantage of which was appalling given how ill I am.
I hope that you are feeling somewhat better now, Feisty. Your expectations of your father and his companion aren’t unrealistic in the wider sense, but it is clear from how he interacts with you that he doesn’t think about things in the way that you do. You expect him to be more considerate than he is, to think laterally where he encompasses your needs (and those of others) into the situation. I think that when you make arrangements with him, you have to take control of any elements that affect you rather than expecting him to play the role of father and so for him to be ‘nurturing’ etc. It’s OK, for instance, to let him go ahead and walk while you go about arranging a taxi. Have a taxi app or local taxi number on hand so that you can you can prioritise your needs. Don’t forget also that some folk from the older generations have the attitude that if you’re ill, you will not be able to do anything or that you must ‘soldier on’. I suspect your father has an element of this going on.
Hi Nat thanks for your comment. Yes I did expect my father to look out for me on that day. I had warned him about what I was and wasn’t capable of. I suspect that some of the attitude is not wanting to bear responsibility for the situation as I carry a genetic condition that neither my late mother or my father knew about when they had me. I don’t hold that against them but my father is unable to deal with illness, deformity and the like. What really irked was not even being asked if I was okay and both my father and his companion could see clearly I wasn’t ok. The reality is that I won’t be doing anything similar again and I did explain why.
This is so true, i love all the points you’re making. I have seen my profession as a cognitive behavioral therapist that so many individuals have a difficult time with the boundaries of offering help to their loved ones. Of course this is a symptom of behavior patterns that many of us adapt from an early age, very often from our parents and the society/ culture we live in. Re-evaluating ourselves and our need for control is one of the biggest and best decision we can make in order to grow. Thanks, im so pleased that I found your podcast!