In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I delve into what is undoubtedly one of my favourite topics: bandwidth. No, I’m not talking about internet broadband! I’m talking about your emotional, mental, physical and spiritual bandwidth which is expressed by the time, energy, effort and emotion you have to deal with something or to be, do and have the things you need and want.
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Some nuggets about bandwidth from the episode:
- “I spent [thirteen years] of my time, energy, effort and emotion online, and I reached a point last year where I needed to not do that.”
- “The trap that people pleasers fall into is knowing that someone needs/wants something, and because of our awareness of it, we feel that we are responsible for meeting that need, for giving them what they want (we’re not).”
- “If we’re not meeting our needs, we’re like a punctured tyre — something’s not going to feel right.”
- “When you feel overwhelmed by something, that’s going to overshadow the amount of time, energy, effort and emotion that you have to deal with other things.”
- “I grew up in a high-expectation environment…. There was only the expectation or failure. I didn’t learn about ‘good enough’…. “
- “The more things you do that you don’t want to do is the less bandwidth you have”
- “Boundaries are about knowing where we end and others begin.”
- “Your body and life are always trying to speak to you.”
- “People can’t respect a bandwidth that you don’t respect.”
- On contemplating doing something that’s unfair/unreasonable/crazy to us (or others): “How many crack pipes am I gonna have to smoke in order to do this?“
Links mentioned
- You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay
- The comeback episode
- How I Learned To Listen To Myself Again…And Why You Should Too
- My pal ‘Nac’
- The Spoons Theory
- Baggage Reclaim workshops
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Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com and if there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know!
Nat xxx
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Hi Natalie,
I just want to say that I have been checking your website everyday to see if you were going to come back and start writing again. I’m so glad you have. Your articles give me faith that I will get there in the end when it comes to self love and finding it.
Having read your back story I can’t believe how similar it is to mine and how the effects of that trauma in early years has left me having to build myself into the person I should have been with the right love.
Can I ask what it was that finally made you change the destructive ways in which you (and me and many) tried to find love in the wrong places and with the wrong men and the whole selffulling prophercy debarcle?
It would be so lovely to hear from you.
Thanks for sharing all your experiences good and bad.
Claire xx
Hi Claire. In a nutshell, it was my health hitting rock bottom, hating myself, and realising that I would be blue in the face if I waited for everyone else to sort themselves out. I realised that if I have the power to make myself miserable with my choices, I also have the power to make myself happier. A lot of that ultimately came down to me no longer taking responsibility for my parents and where I felt I hadn’t got what I needed and wanted in childhood.
Once again, you’re psychic.
I have a new next door neighbor whom I like a lot. She and her husband are very nice, and she is a feisty little spitfire. I wanted to be as helpful as possible when they bought the house , but they’ve been remodeling it for more than a year now and I’m tired of doing them favors.
After a year of paying apartment rent and a new mortgage payment, it’s catching up with them and now they are eager to finish the remodel so they can move in.
Meanwhile, I’ve been like a property manager–getting their mail, taking their trash out, even mowing their lawn. I also let them use my electricity and water, which I thought was a temporary favor, but after a year I realize I had people-pleased my ass off.
The tipping point has been her being around more now, and increasingly asking for my help– painting walls, mopping, hauling tools and gear from one spot to the next, etc. Then she wants to borrow every household item I own. She borrowed my brand new broom and I had to ask her to return it, and it was covered with wall paint she’d negligently sprayed on it.
She’s always asking for chilled bottled water, sodas etc.
Night before last, she texted me around 10 p.m. and wanted me to go to my pitch-black back yard to look over the fence to check to see that their tile saw was still out there.
I sort of snapped and said, “I don’t go out there to check on my own stuff this late at night, so I am not going to interrupt what I am doing online to go outside and check on anything.”
She didn’t catch the hint that I was busy, so I had to shift to a higher gear. “Look, I’m not going out there. I’m too old to be taking down bad guys, and I’m not taking a bullet to save your fecking saw. And I’m busy, like I said.”
Then she said she’d needed my help earlier moving the saw,” and that she “saw my car in my driveway.” She actually implied that I was somehow negligent not to anticipate her needing my help with moving heavy equipment.
I don’t entirely blame her. I was too eager to people please, and she took full advantage of it.
Weeks ago I had told her no more using my bathroom and not to over-text me, so she knows I have boundaries but she likes to test them.
I fussed and stewed almost all night, even having imaginary conversations with her.
After the exchange the other night, the next morning I texted her to say I’d be busy for the next few days, so no texting or phone calls or drop bys.
I had to buy some time so I could figure out what to say next time we talk.
Thanks to boundaries, I plan to tell her I need to focus on my own life more and that I want her to become more self reliant, because she is half my age, I’m tired, and I have my own stuff to do.
Luckily, she has a sense of humor so I will accuse her of elder abuse, tell her to eff off and we’ll get back to normal.
But I am not doing any more grunt work, she needs to have their water turned on, and henceforth, her house is her job, not mine. People pleasing sucks when it goes too far!
😀
Yeah, your neighbour is taking liberties based on her concept of the existing boundaries. Your heart is in the right place, as no doubt is theirs, but her expectations are unrealistic. This is a message from life for you to stay in your own lane and be boundaried with your giving so that you protect the health and integrity of your relationships.
Excellent Natalie, we all need to be reminded about the different bandwidth points you mentioned in your show!
Yoly
From New Mexico, USA
Thank you, Yo. I loved discussing this topic. It’s so critical to our wellbeing.
Natalie,
Good for you for taking the break you needed for yourself… You are most deserving! 🙂
Tiff R.
Aw, thanks Tiffany!
Hi Natalie,
This is such a great episode. I like the concept of “how many crack pipes”, it’s very funny and gives perspective on a potential undertaking. Glad to hear the break was good for you 🙂 Also just wanted to let you know I love your podcast and your ideas have helped me make a lot of positive changes in my life over the last few months! <3
Galina
Thanks Galina! I really appreciate your note. I love that you have benefitted so much.
So glad you are back Natalie!! Your time off helped me realize that sometimes you really need to stop, think and reboost.
This podcast is so real for me wrt a job im in which is taking so much of my energy and time. Im ill now and can only work part time . I am planning to leave soon and find something else.
Thank you, Iman. It’s good that you’ve made the connection between the job and the physical toll it’s taking on you. When you move on, you will really start to recover and reclaim yourself from the toxicity.
On my nomadic adventure it seems I am burning through many situations that can only be described as a final degree level exam of BR studies. I think I’m gunna pass with a distinction because the feelings I felt and the stance I’ve taken with the phrases that instantly come to mind ie “they’re insecure and they are an adult so not my shit” or “ooo they have an issue with my boundaries -unlucky!!” …I check in on here for some sanity because it’s all fucking insane out there and I wonder if maybe I’m getting a lil too gung ho with laying it down, jumping in my campervan and speeding off to the next land leaving a trail of “did she just stick it to me and my rinkydinks???” …Yup I just did pal 😉
…lo and behold I have a lil read and find I’ve utterly nailed the situation in every sense.
I just P45’d yet another clusterfuck scenario created by a parasitic care client. I had to get away from this damaged being, her passive aggressive behaviour and her melodramatics of feigning pain and illness (which were up there with Hollyoaks to the max when I injured my back because of her deliberate games) …she had to be more ill than me. You guys know the crap these people pull…I will spare you the vomit of events…
Well I walked yesterday, I initially stayed as I wanted to help her mum who has looked after this creature all its life and is now failing in health as a result. But she has to learn to say no and stay strong in that.
I told this lovely remarkable lady that “I couldn’t return because I wouldn’t jeopardise my health, physical, emotional and spiritual for a toxic, resentful manipulator. I say no”
I was paid 13.50 and hour which was good but even though I worked about 3 and a half hours a day, I was drained beyond what was worth it, wondering what drama this bitch had created for max effect with no regard as to how it was affecting her children’s psyche. She was on the floor yesterday and her movements which should have hurt but didn’t (i was a nursing assistant on a surgical ward so know the hallmarks) I didn’t even have pity for her that she had to go to those lengths to impact me, to win. I was just utterly repelled by the sight of such dysfunction I could only walk away as if she was a turd on my path.
I hear in spiritual circles “you only attract what you are” which I have to call that out…the world is simply chocka with wounded individuals so you will always come across them, have some sort of interaction with them, not because you’re damaged or there’s something wrong with you (I had that implied by a now EX friend) …but because these people are just there, we just need (and have thanks to Nat) the tools to weed them out instantly (you get so good at this trust me)
Even if these parasites sense on some level something from you, they also sense you love, light and strength which is their 99% pure narc meth.
Pull the plug on their Internet connection and save your bandwidth for the stuff that empowers you and makes you feel good (“,)
Their shit is their own…Freedom truly is a choice
Some people are very entrenched in the role of being wounded because they think that it’s the best way to call attention to their needs, to hold their children close, not realising how damaging that might be to their psyches. The children end up feeling manipulated and full of self-doubt. All you can do is step back from this situation. I think that, sure, any situation will always contain powerful lessons, but at the same time, you are right: everyone has something going on and we need to know our line in taking responsibility for it.
Wonderful, you are back!! I am a daily reader almost from the beginning, missed you very much. Loved to hear that you are reenergized and reconnecting.
Lovely to hear from you, Arlena! I remember you! Thank you so much for your ongoing support.
Karen I always enjoy your BR comments even when they tell a tale of arseholery (“,)
Your offer of help became an expectation and there was disrespect towards you which I suspect this spitfire has been used to controlling people around her to suit her needs.
Yeah she may be cool and all, but you’re taking too much blame for her taking the piss out of you….it’s just her and how she’s been used to rolling.
I don’t know her but I know that even with new boundaries up I would always have that recollection of being used and expected to go outside and do this and do that and no thought for my schedule and and and….
Seriously….boundaries or not, no-one is someone else’s personal slave and just treating someone like they are is someone who doesn’t get my time at all because on some level they think they are superior to you.
Nah thanks
NATALIIEEEEEE!!!!!!
So great to hear your voice in the wilderness again! And as usual your podcasts have a weird way of containing exactly what I need to hear. You mentioned sending in questions that may lead to further exploration. So, I am a card-carrying rabid perfectionist – seriously – sometimes I think someone should just shoot me and put me out of my always-reach-for-the-stars misery! Here’s the thing. You know all those inspiration quotes out there that say things like “You’re stronger than you think” “Excellence is doing ordinary things extraordinarily well” and “High achievement always takes place in the framework of high expectation”? Those are like crack cocaine for me. While I love TED talks I’ve started to stay away from them – they only fuel my addiction to achievement. Thing is for me its not about getting recognition, pleasing people ore even wanting them to like me. I couldn’t care less. It’s about an inner drive to keep pushing because I love getting better and better and better at something – continually surprising myself. Which is what landed me in bed for nearly a year, mentally and physically exhausted, and am just beginning to feel like Im coming back from the dead. (Uh Surprise?). Funnily enough (not really) when it was so bad that I could barely walk across the floor, well-me etc etc meaning friends sent me – you got it – inspirational quotes that were mostly about conquering, coming back even greater than before, etc etc. The other day I came across this post: https://wilsonkhoo.wordpress.com/2013/02/23/jiro-dreams-of-sushi-what-it-means-to-be-shokunin/
I actually really, liked that post but at the same time wanted to throw my laptop out the window. It felt like someone was waving “that drug” in front of me. Haven’t been able to settle on what to think about all this. Only that now I seem to them everywhere. AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!
In peoples cubicles! On their websites!!!! AAAAAHHHHHHH!!
Wondering if you or anyone else out there has been in a similar place.
PS
WELCOME BACK!!!!!!!!!
So right there Nat. The middle child was showing disportionate reaction to her mum being ill. They were really overplaying the “I feel really scared” thing, like they were in a drama class, not good. Shows they feel neglected and are trying to also get some love some attention from me, a carer who has known them weeks. The elder daughter is trapped in this hell and cannot get out because of being in care giver role and being emotionally manipulated by the mother. My ex client had opportunity to be offered full care package in a less remote area but she refused because it would take her away from the lovely elderly mum and she wouldn’t be able to control the carers (her words)
Sad sick puppy, I already forgive and it’s chalked up there with the rest of life lessons. Before BR I would have been tormented with guilt but not now. Discernment is my shield.
Love ya Nat sending you good vibes (“,)
Great to see you in print again; do not listen to pod anything. Good timing here, right after this post, I (calmly) resigned from my Professorship. No jobs in the wings at this time and really hope I can just take a year off, work on my farm, be in deep woods away from drought, forest fires, smoke, excessive drama. Some folk have been very supportive, some angry, some very sad. What surprises me about those that are sad is that although they know I’ve been unhappy here for a long time, that the stress has been seriously impacting my health, and that those things causing the most problems for me here are not things I have any power to change, they’re STILL upset with me for, apparently, not choosing to stay in a life, in a place that hasn’t worked for a long time. Feeling like human toxic waste right now but fully understand the need to stay on course. Like you once stated, Nat, doing the right thing doesn’t always feel good.??
Noquay, I did a you 10 months ago. Left a “great job” with no other job to go to. It shocked people and they questioned my mental health but truth was my mental health and stress was down to them and the way the job was turning into something ugly. They were just projecting their own “wish I had the balls to walk but cant” onto me. I went back to see them and then they were all “oh you look SO WELL” …go figure.
You are doing right by you, and who knows where this will take you but if you are unhappy and stressed it is a sign to look for something (or nothing) else. You will soon get over their reactions because you will be out of it all. It takes strength and courage to do what you have done …I would only be sad to lose such an awesome person as you from my team but ultimately happy for your happiness. Rather like Red in Shawshank missing Andy 😉
Spending time out in the wòods sounds like heaven…and will enrich you like nothing else. I have found the best way to make way for positive change is to get out of a negative situation, create a void and then that void has always been filled with something else. It was the self belief self love and trust I had to just leave seemingly into “nothing” and something else came along, even I it was another learning scenario.
You got this 😉 xxx
Thanks Soul
This has needed to happen for years. It ceased to be the same place that had hired me, treated me with great respect, 11 years ago. It realistically wasn’t possible until this past Fall, when I finally crawled out from under some tremendous debt left by my late father. I immediately began the process of slowly getting rid of stuff acquired from three households, started fixing the place up (still doing both) and really could envision leaving. Lots of folks think I’m nuts, some are angry, but recovering ones physical and mental health are paramount.
Cheers??