Tags: Child - to - parent role
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On this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I talk about how we can close the gap between who we say we are, what we say we want and what we actually do by becoming more of who we really are. In order to do this, we need to become aware of where we are playing a role or even several roles.
I talk about:
- How the role we play is second nature because it’s a habit that’s gone unquestioned
- Why the role we play is based on us having worked out the conditions for us to 1) be OK, 2) be perceived as good, worthy, lovable etc., 3) to get approval, attention, affection, love and validation or to avoid conflict, criticism, disappointment, rejection or even abandonment, and 4) to fix our family or to protect it (or a family member)
- Some of the roles we think that it’s our job to play including being the one who always effs up or fails or the one who has to overachieve in order to elevate the family, or even the one who has to have problems
- Why the role had its uses when we originally adopted is as a survival mechanism but it’s holding us back by being universally applied
- Why roles are a block to intimacy and so of course we’re not going to be able to play a role and be happy at the same time
- Why playing a role ultimately comes down to doing something because it’s what we think is expected of us not because we want to
- The six questions:
- What are your rules? Look for shoulds and musts.
- What do you resist doing even if it would mean a happier life? E.g. Asking for help, letting family figure out their stuff, having boundaries. Why you resist is because of what you perceive as being your function within your interpersonal relationships.
- Who do you feel disloyal about? Or, put another way–who do you fear alienating and what are you doing in order to prevent this?
- What are the roles of individual family members? So, who’s over-responsible, the peacemaker, the least responsible etc., and how does this affect you and what you think is and isn’t possible?
- What do you say yes to automatically or even very quickly, even if it leaves you feeling icky and possibly self-critical?
- What do you always do in your friendships, romantic relationships etc? This will give you an idea of what you always see as your ‘function’ within relationships
Links mentioned
- My 40th birthday episode
- The episode about being over-responsible
- More on being over-responsible
- Build Your Self-Esteem
Next stop
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Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com and if there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know!
Nat xxx
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Dear Nat, happy 90th podcast 🙂 another great one!
I’m here to say thank you. I started reading baggage reclaim back in 2010-2011, and I have kept reading evem when something made me angry or frustrated or sad, even when I couldn’t understand. Your words have made their way to my brain and spirit and heart, and now, 7 yrs later, I can say that I am well. I am living my professional dream, and I’ll soon be moving to another country for a great job opportunity. I am single, and have been “in-love free” for a while, after a life spent being in love, or in a relationship. Now I am a white canvas, and I can’t wait to start meeting new people in my new city, and go to dates, and get to know them. You know what it means 🙂 no more role playing, no more angst, no more running hot and cold, no more emotional unavailability. I understand now what you meant in your posts, I feel it in my bones, and I am so grateful for you long-distance support during all these years. I still struggle, don’t we all! but I’m not unaware, I’m not scared, I’m not emotionally unavailable anymore. This site has been a pillar to my recovery, from the state years of bullying and gaslighting and an emotionally abusive relationship had reduced me into (not to mention some sub-par therapists, alas). You are a great woman, and I can’t wait to see what’s next for you! So I’m sending you all the love xxx
Thanks for this touching message. I’m really pleased for you that you’re connected to yourself and living and loving life. Congratulations on your job move and keep taking care of you. I’m honoured to have been a part of your journey–thank you. Big squeezy hugs, Nat xxx
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I took a BR break because there are some things I fundamentally disagree with here that impede my trauma sexual abuse survivor work, but ironically, some things speed it up here, such as your take on family dynamics and family boundaries. I will probably always see things differently in terms of grief/forgiveness and abstaining from romantic relationships, but I do find the social and family dynamics info helpful.
Also, this makes me think of how I was constantly told to fit the mold in my family. How unfortunate.
It reminds me of when Bjork wore the swan dress (people still make fun of her today) and she looked so happy and peaceful and creative and media shat all over her expression.
Whenever I’m lonely because I refuse to be the status quo (whether it be rebellious or repressive), I close my eyes and think of Swan Dress Bjork.