Tags: Compatibility, core values, crumb relationship, feeling unworthy, fixer uppers, having standards in relationships, I can change / Fix / Heal / Help, mutually fulfilling relationships, Renovaters and Florences, secondary values, settling for crumbs, settling for less, superficial relationships
I receive a lot of messages from people wondering why they feel more confident dating and being in relationships with people who are ‘below’ or ‘beneath’ their level. In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I explain why making value judgements based on superficial criteria becomes a red herring that blinds us to the real issues. I also define what dating below or beneath you actually means and some of the reasons why a person does this.
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5 key topics in this episode
- Dating or being in a relationship with someone who isn’t ‘on our level’ is where the choice to be with them means you cannot be yourself. You are being less than who you really are. This is not about money, looks, your job, background, etc; it’s acknowledging where you are in a non-mutual relationship.
- A major indicator that you’ve been in a relationship with someone who isn’t on your level is when things aren’t going as you need, want and expect, you beat yourself up for everything you’ve done for them or put up with, or you feel taken advantage of or abused. You might even think How could someone like them not want to be with someone like me? or feel outraged that they got to call it off first.
- There are various reasons for, whether consciously or not, dating or being in relationships with people who aren’t on our level. These include power and wanting to be in control, thinking that the person will have less reason to leave because we’re doing so much for them and so they’ll be ‘grateful’, catering to underlying feelings of low self-worth, and using helping, fixing and saving to feel needed, purposeful and worthy.
- When we judge people based on how they look or how much money they have or how we consider ourselves to be intellectual or their race or their profession or whatever, our perception of levels is based on superficiality. We’re focused on secondary, not core values.
- We know that we are being on a level when we’re honestly and authentically being ourselves. Noticing where we judge others helps us to see where we judge ourselves. It also reveals our biases.
Links mentioned + recommended resources
- ‘Mutual’ is a Mentality (ep 237)
- I Can’t Believe You Don’t Want Me (ep 86)
- Fear of sacrifice, loss and being trapped (ep 132)
- We’ve got to stop procrastinating in unavailable relationships
- Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl book
- Sharing Core ‘Directional’ Values Matters for Compatibility (ep 255)
- Podcast Ep. 209: The Compatibility Factor (ep 209)
- The Trouble With Bare-Minimum Relationships (249)
- 12 Signs You’re Settling for Crumbs in your Relationships
- About Fear of Abandonment and Why We Lower Our Standards
- Superficial relationships signal the need to develop a more intimate relationship with ourselves
- One-Trait Minds and The Polar Opposites Game (ep 231)
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