This week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions is on one of my favourite topics: compatibility, our ability to co-exist harmoniously with someone or something. If we don’t choose our relationships from a place of honouring our core values, so who we are as a person, we cannot meet our needs and we bust our boundaries.

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5 key topics in this episode

  • Compatibility is about shared core values (character and direction) and our emotional needs being met. Without all of these, and no matter what we think we have in common or how good someone appears to be ‘on paper’, the relationship won’t work.
  • The more intimacy and bandwidth required is the more that compatibility matters. It’s why our intimate relationships, especially romantic ones, as well as our work, can take a toll on us if we haven’t factored compatibility into our actions and choices. If we’re not getting to be more of who we really are, it means we’re not living our life in a way that meets our emotional needs.
  • Relationships that don’t work out, or that are unfulfilling or unhealthy, are caused by incompatibility. This means you both want different things. That could mean that you don’t share core values, or that one or both of you behave in ways that are counterproductive to the intentions and nature of the relationship and/or your wellbeing. Or, it means that the relationship doesn’t meet emotional needs.
  • Dating and relationship issues result from prioritising secondary values over core values or assuming they’re the same thing. We think, for instance, that we can access compatibility on appearance or shared hobbies and interest. Secondary values definitely add to a relationship but they only do so if we also share core values and our emotional needs are met.
  • We cannot declare that we are compatible with someone we don’t actually know yet. At stages 0-1 of relationships, we can only make strong assessments about incompatibility. It takes getting through stage 2 to gauge actual compatibility.

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