Let’s be real–rejection sucks, especially if you actually expend brain energy thinking of yourself as a reject (i.e. not ‘good enough’) that’s been rejected (discarded).
In part one of this three-part series, I explained how our ability to cope with rejection or even readiness to perceive certain actions from these men as rejection is tied to low self-esteem. In part two, I explained how rather than turning his behaviour inward and blaming yourself, you need to recognise that he is rejecting everything that being involved with you or any woman that expects, wants, or needs anything represents.
To recap from part two:
“when a Mr Unavailable or assclown rejects you, it is actually more about rejecting:
having to love
having to communicate
having to be emotionally available
having to care
having to empathise
having to recognise someone’s needs other than their own
having to be trusted
having to be relied upon
having to be respectful
having to recognise your boundaries
having to be committed
having to be expected or needed
having to deliver on the words that come out of their mouths
having to make an effort
and having to think.
This is not about you – if he is a Mr Unavailable or assclown, he doesn’t want to do these things with anyone and you could substitute a different woman, and you’d get same problems, different package.”
If you keep internalising his behaviour and making it about you, you can take each of these things and say “I’m not good enough to love, I’m not good enough to be communicated with, I’m not good enough for him to be emotionally available with and so on and so on…”
While your dancing to their beat and accepting their behaviour serves to enable assclowns and Mr Unavailables behaviour, they are how they are in spite of you. They were this way before they met you, they are this way now, and they will be this way if you’re smart enough to make a run for it.
This is not about you.
Stop making it all about you because it was never about you in the first place. If you had been at the genuine focal point of his actions and thoughts, you can be damn sure you wouldn’t be at this juncture now.
Hard as this is for you to hear, you set yourself up for hurt, not because you took a chance on love and it bit you in the bum, but because if you are habitually engaging with Mr Unavailables and assclowns and you don’t recognise not only how inappropriate their behaviour is and steer clear of them, they will be catering to conscious and subconscious relationship patterns that you are following because they reverberate with your self-esteem, they are familiar, albeit uncomfortable, and they cater to negative beliefs that you hold about yourself, love, and relationships.
Remember that emotionally unavailable attracts emotionally unavailable. Commitment shy draws in commitment shy.
This is about the self-fulfilling prophecy of ‘inadvertently’ proving your unworthiness in the quest to validate yourself.
If you compare your version of taking a chance on love to betting on a horse, pursuing Mr Unavailables and assclowns and expecting better results each time, is like betting on a three legged horse and wondering why it keeps rocking up last….
Read my post on relationship insanity and why we throw ourselves at bad relationships and wonder why we get hurt.
If you want the feeling of rejection to subside and avoid being rejected by men who are unworthy of your time:
1) Take the focus off him and bring it back to you. Good things don’t feel bad!
2) Opt out. Instead of it always being about assclowns and Mr Unavailables rejecting you, isn’t it about time you started ‘rejecting’ them?
3) Stop focusing on the illusion and get real. Pronto! Go back to the list at the start of this post which I took from part two and start asking yourself what you really want, because unless you are happy to do without the basics (which you have actually already attempted), this cannot work.
You are trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.
4) Start determining your own worth. If you have to force someone to ‘attempt’ to recognise your value and they have already opted out, while it may take you some time to process things, and overcome the dent to your ego, it’s better to process his behaviour and draw the a conclusion that allows you to move on.
The fact that he doesn’t recognise your value and has chosen to opt out (many of them were never in in the first place) is an ENORMOUS RED FLAG.
You cannot validate yourself on this man. If he didn’t recognise your value when you were with him, he’s certainly not going to recognise it now, and even if he did, what do you think you will gain from this?
5) While you are licking your wounds, obsessing, and potentially wallowing in your perceived rejection, he goes on his merry way and gets on with his life.
If you dwell on what you perceive as ‘rejection’, it indicates ‘obsessing’ which indicates that you are expending serious brainpower stalling from accepting that the relationship is over because you are too busy looking for reasons to blame yourself.
If you are serious about eventually being happy and finding and embracing love, you cannot do this if you don’t process the hurt, heal, and move on.
6) Take one day at a time. You want to fast-forward to no pain or rewind to the hazy glow of illusion. Break-ups hurt, but they hurt even more if you don’t keep it real and be patient with yourself.
7) Knock him off that perch you’ve built up. It’s one thing for him to have an inflated ego, it’s another for you to continuously inflate it by making him out to be something more than he is. Get real very quickly and you will able to see that many of the things you place stock in about Mr Unavailables and assclowns mean nothing because they don’t translate to someone who treats you decently.
Check out my posts on But we have so much in common and 10 reasons why women choose men and why they shouldn’t parts one and two.
8) Cut contact. Staying in touch is like saying ‘Please find 101 ways to reject me again and again while I blow smoke up your bum with an ego stroke, a shoulder to lean on, and possibly even a shag.
9) Write down the bad stuff. Carry it in your handbag, put individual incidences on post-it notes around the house, write them on your mirror in lipstick, create a screensaver, reminders in your phone or whatever, but writing down the bad stuff is a reminder of the real him which you can look at and say ‘Er…no. I’m rejecting his crap!’
10) Stop being so hard on yourself. Assclowns and Mr Unavailables can smell low self-esteem meat from 50 paces. You want to be treated decently, it starts at home. Stop rejecting yourself by engaging with these clowns and start treating yourself better.
If you’ve spent enough time around these men, you know the deal and you know how the dance plays out, and yet you dance the dance.
And this is a dance. As I explained to a reader the other day, the habitually emotionally unavailable man or assclown has danced this dance maaaannny times before. He may insert a few extra moves or take some out, but this dance is very familiar to him.
Your sense of ‘rejection’ can often be very much tied to the good times and feeling that you must have done something really awful to scare him away or that if only you had tried harder, been better, needed less, been accepting, turned a blind eye etc, he wouldn’t have ‘rejected’ you.
As I’ve said, for him, this is about rejecting what a relationship represents and these guys are about whims, short-term highs, ego strokes, getting things on their own terms, the chase, and now being needed, wanted, or expected from, more than they are prepared to give.
Healthy relationships with prospects require two parties with both of their feet in the relationship. It can’t be happy clappy amazing days every day – you need to be able to be able to ride the rough with the smooth. There needs to be trust, love, respect, and care, and you need to be able to be yourself.
Most of these guys are unable to cope with anything beyond the initial high and they like chasing that feeling, unable to cope with the idea that relationships grow, prosper, and should build into something steady that will burn a lot brighter and stronger than any lusty beginning. They don’t want permanency and they don’t want to connect, and they don’t want the responsibility that comes with being in a genuine relationship.
They’re not ‘rejecting’ you; they’re rejecting having to behave like a half decent guy in a relationship that feels responsible to someone, has to be committed, and loves, trusts, cares, and respects. That’s not someone you want to be giving the time of day never mind any tears of rejection… They’ve also given you a reprieve and the sooner you realise that you are not alone, that many a woman has experienced this and that you will not change him, is the sooner you can get over him and start living your life.
Your thoughts?
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NML, how does this apply to married men? Because I always think that they give all the things that they don’t give to the other woman to their wives. So for me I just feel like I was not good enough to be given those things but his wife is and she is better than me.
having to love
having to communicate
having to be emotionally available
having to care
having to empathise
having to recognise someone’s needs other than their own
having to be trusted
having to be relied upon
having to be respectful
having to recognise your boundaries
having to be committed
having to be expected or needed
having to deliver on the words that come out of their mouths
having to make an effort
and having to think.
NML, Well said, as usual. 🙂
My therapist gave me an idea – that I actually use.
Wear a hair band on your arm (like a rubberband, but not tight) and every time you start to miss the AC, want the AC, feel rejected by the AC … etc – just THUMP! yourself.
It is a great reminder of the pain this man has caused you.
leeanne,
I don’t think the wives of married men are receiving most of these things either. Is he respecting her or her boundaries if he is seeing another woman behind her back? Is he communicating honestly with her? She is trusting him and he is breaking that trust. He is emotionally unavailable to both of you.
NML,
Home run again from you ! I love reading your posts – love it, love it, love it ! You are my emotional A.A. meeting ! Or should I call it ‘EUM anonymous’ meeting ? (lol)
And Leanne – he’s married. He’s a total jerk. You are not seeing him clearly. And by choosing him YOU and only you are choosing to be treated as less than. It’s not that his wife deserves – or gets more – it’s that you need to see clearly that if you were healthy in terms of your self-esteem you wouldn’t be interested in someone unavailable. Period. Please redo your frame of reference… Work on yourself, and start making better choices as to who to be interested in. And a better choice starts with a single man who WANTS to do all the things on that list WITH YOU 🙂
Loving Annie’s last blog post..Be Back Soon
I want to ask something.My exEUM just apeared again after almost 9 weeks of NC and Im not sure if I handled it well.He texted me on Sunday congratulating my team for had won and I replied with “thank you”.I know I should ignore him but I thought that just saying thank you wasnt a big deal and if he had asked about my life or tried to make a conversation (wich he didnt) I wasnt going to answer.I read here that they just reach out for you to be sure that you still care and so I didnt want to show him that.Like I said I been in NC with him for almost 9 weeks and not even on his birthday I texted him so I think maybe he just contacted me to be see if Im still there.Anyway what I want to know is,you think me having answered it even with just a thank you and not realy sharing anything personal or engaging in a conversation still gave him the ressurance that he was after?
Leeane I have asked myself the same questions as well knowing that my ex had a few relationships that were relatively long term and he says he loved them, and did not love me. THESE ARE ALL WORDS. Suzanne is absolutely right– if he gave all those things to his wife he would not be dating you 🙂 Men who cheat are not communicating, loving, etc. And while my ex had a few longer term relationships… they sure aren’t around now. You are making that assumption that we all do to protect ourselves from what we fear “he is better to her than me.” He’s not… actually his wife has it worse. He has made far more promises to her and he is not taking the time to fix his marriage. To put both feet in and tell his wife what is broken and to try and fix it. I would pity this woman, feel sorry for his wife… at least you didn’t marry this guy.
Anusha, Sadly, yes.
Anusha, if your text gave him some kind of satisfaction, fine. Don’t beat yourself up about it and don’t worry about his reaction to it! It doesn’t matter to you anymore. Keep up the healing, and focusing on you instead.
Anusha, If you feel fine about it, and like it’s no big deal, then, my dear, it’s no big deal. Who cares what he thinks?! Don’t give it any more thought.
Thanks girls 🙂 I just cant see how that is showing him I care and that Im not over him.I didnt ask how he was,I didnt asked what he was up to,I didnt try to make conversation.All I did was say thank you and many hours after he had sent the text.He sent it on Sunday night and I didnt answer until Monday afternoon.So how that could give him the ressurance the wanted?
Just don’t respond again! 🙂
Anusha: You will not ever be able to figure out what he is thinking or why he is thinking it. Nor will you ever be able to figure out if he really loved you, etc.
Even psychics will tell you that they truly cannot “read” another person’s mind.
For whatever reason, he reached out. I would like to say that it doesn’t really matter, but to you, it does matter. You are driven to distraction, once again, by his actions.
I certainly empathize. The only thing that you can know for sure, is that you have now spent time wondering what he meant, why he contacted, etc. And, that keeps you mentally engaged with him, which then keeps you emotionally engaged, which then gets you to thinking that maybe there is a possibility that the two of you can get back together, which then leads to . . .
The only thing that you have control of is you. Yes, it hurts to not have the man that you want. Yes, it hurts that he doesn’t love you back. Yes, it hurts that he didn’t choose you. He chose her, his kids, his job, his whatever. The thing is: you are still involved with him, and you don’t want to be.
I hope that you can get past your obsession with him more expeditiously then I am getting past my obsession with my x/eum/ac.
Thank you NML…My story a bit different, I rejected my EUM, after he stood me up for second time..HE called me and texted me after that and begged me to meet him, but I didnt answer, because I realised for 100 time that I cant put up with it any longer!!! He stopped contacting me…I tried to meet new guys, managed to have three dates and all of them want to date me:-( but funny enough I miss my EUM…What is wrong with me??? WHY I cant accept “normal behaviour” from decent guys, and missing a “cr@p” from my ex lover???
NML Thank you sooo much for this site. I am now on Day 14 of NC, kind of, since he did catch me by calling from a different number last week. But as I posted before I was strong and told him again what no contact meant and hung up. I have to say this whole NC thing has been much harder than I thought. I am simply obessed with thoughts about him and what he is doing and who he is doing it with and will he come back and blah blah blah. Sometimes I feel like I’m getting better and sometimes I dont. Its the difference in me “thinking he will be back its just a matter of time” and thinking “no he has moved on out of site out of mind he really really was just using you the whole time and he is on to the next one living life not thinking about you at all”. It obviously depends on which post I am reading on this site! LOL! I see now that this is not really cutting contact. This last post has made me realize that it is truly time to stop thinking about him and how much I miss him. NML you are so right he will be the same assclown for every girl after me just as he was for every girl before. I have written down all the bad things he did to me, the things about his personality, his physical appearance, everything that I dont like about him. If I ever find myslelf not being able to stop thinking about him I will only read that paper. As of this day and right now I am done obsessing about him and reading this site over and over all the while hoping the phone will ring with his apology. I know now that it wont and if it does it is literally the devil in disguise coming to drag me down again. He has to become dead to me. Thank you so much for this site it has helped me a lot but in some ways keeps me obsessing. I wont be back unless he contacts me and I need some support. Good luck to all of you.
Alika,
You are not alone – I’m dealing with the same conflict right now. Have been healing, dealing with my own issues as NML recommends and realizing that, as this post says, it isn’t a reflection about me. However, as I am back out there meeting people, I can’t help but thinking of how the ac would react, or how his reaction would be so much better than the guy I’m out on a date with. I’m taking this as a sign that a) I am dating guys that aren’t the right match for me, and that b) it is okay to want that “feeling” again, only just that I need to make sure I find it with someone who is not an EUM or AC.
Anusha…..I think any attention you give this guy is an ego stroke for him. He is trying to see if you’re still there for him. Thing is, now you’re worrying about it and that effects your life.
I went through this myself of not being able to let go after the breakup. Months could go by and then out of the blue he would be back, phone calling, IMing his fingers off. I made the mistake several times of speaking to him. What I found is nothing had changed except I had less standing in his life then when I was the gf. He basically had a free shoulder to cry on and/or an ego stroke with none of the pesky problems that come with being in a committed relationship. Why give them that gift?
When they play the “friend card”, they can phone you up for a week or two straight and then you may start to think that he misses you or wants you back only to have them disappear again for another couple of days, weeks or months. So I did what I had to do, cut all contact for good. It’s very hard to do, it can hurt if you still have feelings for him. You may sit around and worry that you’re hurting his feelings by ignoring him but you have to ask yourself, did he care about your feelings when he treated you badly? The answer is no, so even though we are decent women and don’t normally just stop talking to people, in this case you have to cut all contact if you want to move on and get healthy. Otherwise they will stay in your life as long as you let them. They are users and wouldn’t know a real relationship if they tripped over it. If you look into their past they usually have a long history of failed relationships, which I can say in my case I ignored as a big red flag.
This was a great series of posts by NML and it has made me feel a lot better about NC and sticking to it. I now am coming to grips with the reality that it wasn’t me that he was rejecting, it was having a relationship with ANY woman. Even though I broke up with him he basically was forcing me into it, because as NML says they can’t commit to being with you and they can commit to being without you. So we have to take the reins and say no more, adios, hit the road, get lost, bye bye and mean it.
Alika, how long have you been NC? Maybe it’s a sign that it’s too soon to date?
Oops, I mean Rachel! (Post above).
Thanks for the answers 🙂 myalmostlover,I think you are right.It did afect me what he did and I caught myself worring about it and checking my mobile after his text.I see the point now,the problem isnt what he might be thinking about my answer or if was a ego stroke to him or not.The problem is how that afected me and how got me emotionaly and mentaly engaged with him.Anyway for one side that was good cause now I know that he has no idea of what a friendship is.After more than 2 months without contact all he can say is “congratulations for your team winning”? He didnt ask how I was or what I was up to.That realy shows that he has no idea of what it realy means to be a friend.So was good for me to see that isnt worth to be his friend and that I probably just would end up frustrated and unsatisfacted like I was in my relationship with him.Anyway I learned my lesson now and if he text again I might not answer anymore and just continue fully NC with him like I have been doing for the past weeks.
“Whilst you enable assclowns and Mr Unavailable’s behaviour by dancing to their beat and accepting it, they are how they are in spite of you”
I can honestly say that I’ve never manipulated a man to change ‘outright’ by begging, pleading, clinging, etc but I sure did expect him to change merely for the reason that he was with ‘me’. I was magically supposed to inspire him to be a better man =). I didn’t think this consciously, but I believed if I could get an unavailable, emotionally cruel man to fall madly in love with me then I would “finally” be worth (anything as a person). That really makes me sound like a narcissist but it’s absolutely true and at the same time makes me sound like someone with incredibly low self-esteem. What an unbelievable oxymoron.
myalmostlover, you said what I’ve been trying to say myself. The downgrading in the relationship I had with my ex AC hurt more than anything, I think. Every time I went back, I got a little bit less. And he always had the perfect excuse should I complain – we are only friends!
I have finally realized that I gave him more than he ever, ever gave me. I made this into an important relationship. I made him into an important person in my life. Did he do the same? Never did and never will. Definitely still stings. 🙁
The previous post of mine was a confession I guess but this one is me thinking out loud….
“…the habitually emotionally unavailable man or assclown has danced this dance maaaannny times before. He may insert a few extra moves or take some out, but this dance is very familiar to him.”
What p*sses me off is that my AC was banking on me responding like I did the last three years. And he was not just doing this to me….I’m certain there were several others around the same time as me. He teetered and totted between a host of women and gave absolutely nothing but reaped the benefits of ego stroke, hook-ups and God only knows what else. I walk away with less then crumbs and some bad memories but I walk away nonetheless. Thanks again NML….your brilliant.
Metsgirl: “I was magically supposed to inspire him to be a better man =). I didn’t think this consciously, but I believed if I could get an unavailable, emotionally cruel man to fall madly in love with me then I would “finally†be worth (anything as a person). That really makes me sound like a narcissist but it’s absolutely true and at the same time makes me sound like someone with incredibly low self-esteem. What an unbelievable oxymoron.”
You have articulated what was very much in my (subconscious) head with my assclown. I somehow thought that being with me would bring out all of the potential I saw in him – that he would magically start communicating, bonding, being intimate, and sharing feelings with me because I was so much more understanding than his ex-wife. What horseshit. The thing I still struggle with is the idea that the office hooch he left me for somehow has those magical abilities that I turned out not to have. So…yeah. Still working on my distorted thinking patterns…
metsgirl & stacy – your last two comments are priceless. i felt EXACTLY the same way. i always had the other women they were doing who knows what with built up in my mind as some type of supermodels – then i would see pictures of them & it was nothing like i imagined. i find it hard to believe these women had any more “magical abilities” then me or you. it’s all maddending & thanks to NML – it becomes so much more clear. she is brilliant.
Well me too, I really believed that I was the ‘magical’ one to see the real him and bring out all his potential (then of course I would be worth something too).
I know now that there is no potential to bring out, what you see is usually what you get with these men, only problem is actually seeing it when the love blinkers are strapped to your head.
My blinkers are off, I know what I’m dealing with, I have no expectations of him, I know my issues and why I got so involved, I won’t do it again and yet – I STILL I can’t quite leave him be – I think I enjoy the dance, and I’m not really comfortable with what that implies about me.
These blogs really do help, every one seems to capture the confusion that we seem to feel, and it seems that the learning process is different for each of us – so I guess as long as we are learning, we will get there in the end. It’s taking me forever though, hope I move on before I’m too old to appreciate it!
metsgirl July 1st, 2009, 3:45 pm
“I didn’t think this consciously, but I believed if I could get an unavailable, emotionally cruel man to fall madly in love with me then I would “finally†be worth (anything as a person). That really makes me sound like a narcissist but it’s absolutely true and at the same time makes me sound like someone with incredibly low self-esteem. What an unbelievable oxymoron.”
I don’t know you metsgirl, or anything about you, but your post, to me, reflects a deep need to get someone to love you – whether it’s Father issues – you could never really get your Dad to love you no matter how wonderful or good you were – or self-esteem issues – you can’t get you to love you and never feel good enough – or both! I have both – most of us on this site probably do. But I think realizing that, and not beating ourselves up for it, but instead loving ourselves – giving ourselves what we need – is the most important first step.
And OMG, Elizabeth and Stacy and Myalmost lover, one of the most difficult things for me to deal with is believing – every time my EUM disappears, or withdraws partially from my life for another woman – that he has found LOVE and will be able to whole heartedly commit to this new “magic” woman. It kills me. Because if it weren’t LOVE, why would he risk losing someone as fantastic as me by withdrawing!? But what I’ve realized about my EUM, is that he is in love with love – in love with the first romantic stages of courtship – and after that romance is over, and the chick wants something more from him and he can’t deliver – she usually ends up leaving his a$$, and he ends up incredibly hurt and wounded, and limping back to me! I don’t deny or diminish the pain this guy feels – I know it’s real. He just CAN’T figure out why his relationships don’t work. I thought I could help him – I don’t know how, what, when, where and why – but I am completely powerless to do so. He may as well be blind. And I can’t allow myself to be hurt anymore.
Gosh, I’ve been mulling over my post for the past…hour or so, and I realize that my particular Achilles heel, with men, is UNDERSTANDING, and wanting to help them, rescue them – I’m Florence Nightingale for the walking wounded, emotional zombies. But I’ve made a connection now with my Father. My mother died when I was three years old. I don’t remember her loss, but I do remember, for years, being my father’s emotional sponge. I took in all his sadness, and he clung to me as a piece, or memory of her. Shit!
PlanetJane,
I think I know what you are talking about … perhaps many of us have indeed been caretakers to our parents at some point in our lives, internalised the experience and are still, on some level, living our childhoods as adults. I know I was and still am to some extent; dad passed on when I was seven so I had to start seeing to mum being ok and coping with the loss. I know now though that all this contrubited hugely towards the men I choose in my life (EUM’s), and not least how I felt about myself.
Initially, I felt terribly rejected by my EUM and also thought he’d magically change into a fab chap after moving on to the next woman. Well I hardly believe it now, actually it doesn’t matter anymore. Not one bit! It took a few months to ‘get back to me’, but it was worth the initial struggle. After going NC, and realising after one relapse into contact with him that it really wasn’t worth it.
I too thought I was going to bring about some kind of magical change in him and we could then be happy. Of course it didn’t work and I am working towards emotional health now and my own happiness, as so many of you are. When I read some of the posts here I feel proud! Many of us come from a dark place or we wouldn’t be in the mess we’re in … or were in but there’s such potential for change in our lives once we really want to. I do believe our childhood experiences make the foundation for who we are today but we can always move on as best we can.
Good luck to you all, and thanks all for sharing your stories, it has really helped me to grow and move on from a painful place x
Hi PlanetJane,
We haven’t dated since November but the last time we spoke was May (I know, I keep breaking the NC). I have to remember that I fall into a pattern of overrationalizing bad behaviour (“oh sure, he must be busy, scared, etc….) and that is not good for me!
I need to work more on my own health and happiness, which I am in the process of doing, and making progress on. I really did not like how I became while with him (something I should write in big letters and post where I see it every day) but I did like the connection we had.
My recent epiphany: Stop trying to bond with men that don’t want to or know how to bond. God bless you NML
We all would like to thing somehow, that our case is different, when in fact, they all play out pretty much the same.
The sad truth is, some of us take pleasure in pain. It is what we are used to, and it feels familiar. Like we have come home. But there is another way, and it doesn’t start with others, it starts with you, and only you.
searchingwithin’s last blog post..The Love Triangle – The Ugly Side of Human Nature
There was a little girl
Who had a little churl
In an affair unbelievably torrid.
And when it was good,
It was VERY, VERY good,
But when it was bad,
It was HORRID.
I agree, searchingwithin, that sometimes the pain is all we know. Like that wiggly tooth you can’t keep your tongue away from. Brad wrote in one of his posts about the need for drama — I’m beginning to feel that my magnatism to unavailable men reinforces that “poor little me” side of myself. Infuriating! But recognizing that self-fulfilling problem begins the healing!! Stay strong, ladies!
I would appreciate some advice, please! …. Its been over a month since NC with my ex EUM/AC dipsh*it of a man. His last text to me was “…. I hope your day gets better…” after informing him that I was pregnant… Haven’t heard back since. Enough time has passed for me to realize my true suspicions of the the piece of road kill this homo sapiens is. My problem is that he texted my 14 y/o daughter yesterday (I believe in hopes of trying to find out about me). Do I text/call him and let him know I do not want him to communicate with my daughter? … Do I let it sit? … I’m not one to teach my daughter about anymosity, but I’ve moved on stronger and better than ever, and I really do not want my daughter having any communication with this man since I’ve closed the chapter on this one and moved on…HELP!!!!
Anusha…..I know it’s hard, it’s really hard. Going through something like this makes you feel like crap. There are many tears shed and a feeling of loss in your life. But in the end all those tears and obsessing really gets us no where, just wasted pain for someone that doesn’t appreciate us. It took me many months to stop putting him on a pedestal and only remembering the good times and there were good times. But the bad times at the end were so much worse. Love should not hurt that way. Love has it’s ups and downs but there should be a balance. There is no balance in an EUM relationship. It’s always about him and what you can do for him.
It sounds like you’re on the road to recovery. The further you get from him the better you’ll feel.
Cyclingirl,
How horrible. What a piece of crap he is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can you block the number on her phone?
Gayle,
I did, I deleted his number, blocked text too! Piece of crap is putting it mildly girl!!!! Those words of “… I hope your day gets better…” don’t seem to get out of my head, thus I’ve been working really hard at putting this behind me… It’s tough!!!!
This site is awesome. I come back when the tide is high and I’m stuck trying to over think his intentions when I “run” into him. I was DJing and he showed up. We’re in the same org. At the end of the night, there was an afterparty, that I knew he would be at. I mentioned to him I would stop be and we spend time. He was cool with that. He was there when I showed up we spoke breifly, 20 minutes later, he was gone. I did not not catch we was gone till 45min later. I left and text him three times cussing him out. I turned off my phone after the last text. Next, mornin, I have a barrage of messages that he was looking for me and wanted uniterrupted time together. Turns out he dropped off a VIP of the org at the hotel. I mentioned in a later text, why did’nt you tell me,I’ve would’ve waited around….See I go back and forth again hopin this time around every time around…I’m the Magic lady he would change for…he wanted me to leave and probably did not want me there in the first place. It’s hard to break the dance when its so exciting for the crumbs you get. Last NC was only a few weeks ago. I really think I have an a healthy ego and self esteem but this man gets to the bad girl for liking a bad boy. I’ve always played safe in other relationships so..this is so out of character. But I think as successful women we sometimes get bored with handling our business so well that a distraction of any sort gives us a break from our everyday lives…Just a thought
Cyclinggirl,
Was he calling from another phone?
You could advise him that you’re going to notify the police if he contacts either of you again.
Yes. Those words are unbelievable!!!!! How long were you together?
Hi Ladies,
Just wanted to share some books that have been incredibly helpful to me in growing through this experience with my EUM. Nothing has come close to providing the information that this site and the e-book has provided! NML is straight to the point, and if I hadn’t come across her book and posts – and all y’alls input – I would still be trying to figure things out, not knowing what to do, and that others experience the SAME things. Information is incredibly valuable. But here are the books I’ve loved for slow and quiet learning and larger growth issues:
Facing Love Addiction, Pia Mellody
How to be an Adult in Relationships, David Richo
Codependent No More, Melody Beattie
Heartwounds, Tian Dayton
Much love to you all.
I have been through the whole stage of emotions regarding my “friend”- shock, denial, confusion, pain, anger… and finally I think I am at acceptance..or maybe repulsion. I was forced to interact with him and after so many months of his subtle “attitude”, I really lost it.
I made the mistake of speaking to him directly (after ignoring him for 3 months) about an upcoming project and his answer/attitude/tone was way beyond anything I had ever experienced—- the sheer nastiness and meanness was unbelievable. I shouldn’t have, but I said (quite matter-of-factly) “You really are an asshole” and walked away. He took the next opportunity (a few minutes later) to try to humiliate me, announcing to our manager that he refused to interact with me for the 30-seconds doing so would have required.
I realized like a ton of bricks what a petty, small, nasty person he really is. He is NOT a nice guy (or the hurt, wounded lost soul) who can be bad now and then. He is a bad guy who tries to hide it by being “nice” as required to function in society.
This is very true but has been hard for me to comprehend: “They’re not ‘rejecting’ you; they’re rejecting having to behave like a half decent guy in a relationship…”
My manager spoke to me after most people had gone and immediately said “He has problems”– Without knowing anything about our broken friendship, my manager said “He’s got big problems and he’s decided to take them out on you. It’s not about you at all. It’s all HIS problem”. The handful of others there agreed. It was such a relief I started to cry (sympathy and kindness can make me cry). It was a relief to know that not everyone thinks he’s such a great guy!
Had it always been so obvious? Had I really been blind to what other people so clearly saw?
I very much regret “trying” to be or remain his friend. I very much regret the efforts I made to maintain a friendship when he had no genuine interest in being a decent guy. I look back and I fear my attempts to repair whatever was “broken” made me appear unhealthy– as though I have exposed some “neediness”.
I used to see him with his latest girlfriend and wonder what I was lacking that prevented us from being friends. Now I pity her. Because she either doesn’t who he really is…. or is just as unhealthy as he is. It’s scares me a little to wonder how unhealthy I must have been to either 1-find him intriguing or 2-be fooled by his “mask”.
I no longer pity the “wounded lost soul”. I see him as sick, cowardly and repulsive.
Okay so how do I stop wanting to kick myself for being so blind?
Was I blind or are these types very skilled at hiding who they really are? Both I think
My manager said he’d deal with the issue, and I can only imagine how twisted the AC is going to make ME seem.
Okay so how do I stop wanting to kick myself for being so blind?
I feel the same way right now TJ – and all I’ve been able to come up with is that I’ve learned, and I can go forward with my eyes open. I’m a better person and it won’t happen again. It’s not much when you’re looking back, but when you’re looking forward, it’s everything!
TJ don’t kick yourself for being blind, I think that as they have no real emotional guide as to how to behave, they learn the rules and are good at mimicking the correct behaviour to get the right results. So why would anyone question this until you get to see that the behaviour is not always consistent.
Sounds like you have a good and perceptive manager, and that co workers are pretty perceptive too. I’d say that as long as you maintain your professional dignity and keep all emotional reaction to the guy out of the office, then you are on higher ground and your colleagues know it.
I have worked with many an AC ( unfortunately I get on very well with these types both professionally and personally) and have learned that being true to yourself and non emotional in a work context pays, others ALWAYS realise the truth about these types in the end.
Good luck, you will be OK for sure
sadthing’s last blog post..Coping with feeling rejected by Mr Unavailable’s & Assclowns – Part Three
TJ,
Bozos that make winning bed partners their life-skill, that have no ethics or morals above winning, look like regular people. But if you notice the people that respect them, how people you respect feel about them, and you notice whether their words suit their actions – and their actions are about honorable interactions with community, authority, and friends – you will be able to spot the bozos.
But you have to look for them. You have to be honest, and understand that there are dishonest people out there. They look for targets, people they can work to their advantage, for the moment.
It sounds like this guy is coming unglued, and his employer – and others – are failing their responsibilities to get him the psychiatric help he apparently needs.
Take care of yourself, he may well be dangerous as long as he knows where you work.
Brad K.’s last blog post..br: Dignity and choosing a partner
Gayle,
The number he texted was his own (my daughter and his son are very good friends)…. We were together for a little over a year. A year I don’t ever want to think back about!!!
Yes, you are so right, NML. I said please find 101 ways to reject me again and failing at no contact, however I did finally realize how much sabataging of myself I did. Despite being in no contact mode I still had his numbers in my mobile , I would still visit his web site, even though I improved a whole lot on my texting of him I cut it to zero in 5 months I still had the ability to text him if I wanted. Recently I went back to the places we visited when we were dating which I set myself up to be vunerable and because I had not deleted his mobile number I ended up texting…. so I have finally concluded that I wasn’t in full no contact mode after having lunch with him and realizing I was being ridiculous I knew I needed to d more… so I have deleted his numbers from my phone and if I happen to be in places we visited when dating then I shall create new memories or shrug and reming myself what and assclown he is. I have also deleted the number I had of a friend of his so there can be no information via the backdoor. And I will just have to stay of his web site…
Yes, he has certainly danced the dance million of times before and as far as I could tell from lunch he is still dancing it… so here is to freeing myself properly I know I can do it….
I have gotten so much insight from all of you folks and am so grateful. I am on almost 4 months of NC and I was hoping the emotional funk would go away… I meet my EUM on the internet in the summer of 2007..long distance. I have very little dating experience even though I am 35 I have been focused on school and work and always had trouble meeting guys that were Christian and passionate about environmental and social justice issues. I feel hard for this guy like no one else ever before.. I meet him right away because he was going through my town to go west .. then he came back and we meet up again and kept communicated via phone went got together a couple times after that in the next few months.. once at my friend’s house in between. he had to cancel because of back problems but I didn’t think anything of it because he did it with plenty of notice.. a couple of weeks later we got together..he invited me early on in the communication to give a guest lecture in his class and spend fall break with him afterwards. it was so flattering that he was so interested in my research and figuring out ways to get me out there.. I spent a lot of time on the lecture and was so looking forward to spending fall break with him. (No real relationship talk yet but he has certainly has made plenty of suggestive comments) The night before he calls and tells me that he is not ready for a relationship he is still got funk from an ex.. he’s Mom left his Dad with an affair.. etc. basically freak out.. so it was decided I wasn’t going to come and we could keep communicated.. in the friend with potential category.. dumb I know I should have ran but I was hooked at that point and thought he could get better .. of course he said he wanted to… we kept communicated .. it got worse though with communication because he dropped his cell phone in the sink and for some reason he couldn’t get it fixed.. had no land line of internet at home so we could only communicate when he was at work with schedule phone talks … he was going to come see me for Winter Break.. he e-mailed me the day off to tell me wasn’t coming.. I was worried sick because I thought he was going to call once he got part way there.. and I didn’t check my e-mail of course.. it was decided after that we would take a break.. again dumb.. I should have exited but I was so hooked. We talked in a month and he still had not gotten his cell phone fixed (after 4 months now) and that was part of the deal for me staying in.. he said he would get it fixed… he e-mailed a few days later said he still planned to get it fixed.. then silence…weeks went by ..and then I sent an e-mail and ended it saying that I hope some day he would get out of the dark place he was in.. he replied right away and said yes let’s start again some day.. besides the ex funk.. he also was stressed about work ( I already knew that) and some health stuff that he had not told me..
I felt so awful about it for months after wards.. picked myself and tried to date again.. nothing came of it .. was still thinking of EUM (but didn’t know that is who he was then.. duh!) .. I e-mailed him 6 months later.. he was really interested.. told him he couldn’t stand me up again that he had to tell me what was going on emotionally this time.. he said he was over ex stuff .. ready to have a relationship.. it was wonderful.. minus a few things.. and the fact that he managed to have all the break periods booked but we did go back and forth over tight weekends.. I spend many months looking forward to spring break and when we would not have to worry about the winter weather keeping from seeing each.. then bam!… out of nowhere after 6 months of pretty regular communication.. he called me up .. 2 hours after we had a great conversation.. said he couldn’t sleep.. we have no future and then he said I wasn’t interested.. he wasn’t interested .. we should just be friends… What!!! i was like why would I spend all this time traveling… on the phone.. etc if I wasn’t interested? I have a thesis to write friends and family where I am at?.. It was so strange!!! and the fact that he wasn’t interested was so humiliating… why did he send me flowers a few weeks before on my birthday? I don’t get it.. But reading the postings and the blogs help to get it.. the fact that I will never get it because these guys don’t make any sense. I really debate about the whole send the final letter thing
Sorry I pressed submit before I finished and before I edited at all. urgh.. hopefully the babble makes some sense.. I was going to say I debate about the closer the final letter would give and the NC. the discussion on that occurred a bit earlier in this blog. I can see benefits to both. I feel like I didn’t really get to say what I waned to say in that crazy phone call because I was in emotional shock.. he emailed less than two weeks later saying he hadn’t heard from me so he was wondering if there would be anymore communication.. said he still wanted to be friends but would understand if I couldn’t do that.. (I had an immediate reaction to his friend offer over the phone.. I don’t to be another Brooke.. a female friend of his he used to date that drops everything to go climbing with him in exotic places.. I did tell I was concerned about this… that I would not do that kind of this thing unless I were dating.. I don’t have time!) anyway he was like but I like being friends with Brooke you can’t like it is a negative thing! anyway… the e-mail didn’t say much else but sorry it didn’t work out.. I have no idea why it didn’t work out.. he didn’t give me any answers to my questions on the phone.. though I could have asked a lot more! Anyway, the desire to say something to give some kind closure rather than the confusion that they give you is so poignant even after all these months.. I really hope the NC works like all of you say.. it has been so long!. My friends are so sick of it and wonder why I can’t move on from this.. I love your names “dazed and confused”.. brokenheartedbabble.. devasted.. I so understand.. I feel like the innocent and trust that I once had has been compromised now and this makes me very sad! Sorry for the long post
Emotional Whiplash,
This idiot has really jerked you around!!! I lost count on how many times he canceled on you. How old is he? I can’t believe this nonsense with the mobile phone.
Please don’t send the letter it won’t make any difference, he won’t get it. What do you want to get out of sending the letter?
Go NC and continue to come here for support and guidance re. this issue.
Whiplash, (love the name 🙂 I think you need to go to the post from NML about your own personal boudaries. This will help you set your bottom line and deal breakers. I am so sorry you have gone through this, it is very very familiar, what an a..hole, you deserve the best, I wish that for you. Cycling girl, I think your daughter needs to make the call to delete him from her life for herself too, it will empower her for future liassons with any man that shows he is unworthy of her time and love, maybe a ritual for the both of you might make it a lasting and empowering experience rather than a horrid severing of connection which must be so awful for you, I’m sorry he wasn’t the man he should have been.
peace
Emotional Whiplash –
I got the disappearing act…trust me…he could’ve disappeared and left you even more messed up like my AC did. I sent a letter…and got no response. That was January. I am still on the fence of if I should have mailed it…I wanted my own closure…but his none response ended up adding to my humiliation. Deep down inside I realize I wanted him to call and have that last conversation…or to try and make sense of things. It is not going to help you…it is going to prolong the healing. Write the letter and rip it up. Please pick yourself up and move forward.
I am still in denial about the anger I should feel. I wish I could be angry but it is just not happening.
I wanted to share how much strength and support I feel by reading your comments here. I wish there were something we could do for each other to take some of the pain away. The stories are all different in their own ways…but yet we share so much in common. Just wanted to thank everyone from the bottom of my heart for sharing here.
I will say that for me the road is hard. I have been nc for 3 months. It definitely does get easier, the pain lessens as real life goes on. Something I never thought would happpen. It helped me to make a list of all the mean, crappy things he did….carry it with me and read it as necessary. ALSO, I copied some of NML’s advice, comments and carry those with me too. Sort of like a dose of medicine I take as necessary.
To those of you considering one final comment to your respective assholes….I would suggest NOT sending one. I did and I was very sorry. Just made me seem desperate and even more vulnerable. Any strong emotion (anger!) can feed their sense of control over you and stroke their ego. I ended up regretting stooping to that level and wishing I’d just let it go. For what it’s worth, my 2 cents.
Stay strong ladies. At least we’ve discovered how much love we have inside. We can share that with our family and friends and here with each other.
Bless you all.
Why are AC irresponsible even in the light of bad consequences to their behavior? I hope someone can help shed some light on this. My ex-AC/EUM was so irresponsible with his child, finances, home, car everything and then paniced when sh*t hit the fan. He let his child eat candy whenever, decide what she wanted for dinner, breakfast etc…if she wanted junk food every day and she did. Her toothbrush was worn down to the plastice part and she had to ask him to replace it after she read a book about replacing toothbrushes but he replaced his regularly. Rarely did he insist on her eating healthy as an example.
Thanks for your help!!
Thank you everybody for the suport 🙂 He havent sent anything more,at first I thought that text was a excuse to start contact with me again(that how it started the first time,with him texting me on my birthday what lead to 2 months of daily texts).But since he didnt send anything more I dont think it was that.I can say it realy got me thinking about him and missing him but now Im back in control.I do have that strong yearning for him yet but I know he isnt good for me and cant give me what I want so I have to be away.I will continue NC and hopefuly with time it will go away.
I think one thing to learn here is to STOP. Immediately.
I did all of these things and this is my biggest regret:
It’s hard but don’t try to get closure, don’t try to get him to explain, don’t try to get him to tell you what happened, don’t feel sorry for him and try to mend fences, don’t feel angry and try to get the last word, don’t initiate contact when you feel you’re over him, don’t accept contact when you think he might have changed, don’t become frozen/unable to move on, don’t waste months in an emotional stupor, don’t waste months trying to figure it all out, don’t contact him to be friends, don’t contact him to let him know he’s forgiven and you’ve moved on, don’t make contact to show you’re the bigger person, don’t think you can “love by example”, don’t think he’s changed because he met someone different, don’t blame yourself.
The second you understand who and what he is– slam the door and never open it again. This sounds harsh and for me, it goes against what I belief as far as my faith goes. But these types are toxic and destructive. Not only can they hurt your heart, they can insidiously damage even your “public image” by skillfully painting you as the typical “crazy bitch who won’t let go”.
Save yourself the heartache, the craziness, the humiliation, the drama– because that’s all it will ever be with these types. You can’t win, and they’re no prize anyway!
I’m wiser now but I’m so angry with myself for being so stupid.
What ticks me off the most is– when I first laid eyes on the man, my gut reaction was “womanizer” and then he played the “poor me” card. He’s been manipulating for 50 years.
EmotionalWhiplash,
I am so sorry…I had the same experience, but mine was here, in London…When he wanted my company he used to text and call me 50 times a day!!! But when he didnt want it, he would disappear for days without single message or call.. I was so fed up with his behaviour and after two stood ups, I ended it…
Please stop contacting your AC, he stood you up too many times and made his stupid excuses…HE doenst deserve you, I am sure you will meet someone nice eventually, you are only 35!!!
tj:
Amen tj! great, great advice–from someone (me) who also learned the hard way. BTW forgive yourself if you’ve slipped….just move ON.
tj- your message is so spot on.. even for those of us who have gone through months of NC .. the EUM/AC is still present in us .. all the emotional things you described I have been through and still am.. It seems like you are dealing more with an AC though..
The whole AC vs EUM debate. I don’t know how many of you think about this.. My Dad says you young people have such a different way of describing things.. what used to be described as problems are now described as issues.. when guys acted poorly they were described as jerks now they are described as not emotionally available..
I think it relates to the whole anger desire that Kimba has.. because I have two rounds with my EUM I have insight on both.. I felt he was a total EUM the first round and I could not feel really angry no matter how hard I tried.. he did the disappearing thing on round 1 but he did respond when I sent the cut off letter that said maybe some other time.. there would have been no round 2 had he not responded.. so it was me thinking poor him even though it was so painful.. this time seems worse because now I have the rejection pain and I am angry.. but I wonder why? He is clearly a wounded guy though he acted like he was fine in round 2 .. I don’t know if anger is better .. it keeps me in NC more tightly because I don’t want to feel anymore rejection but it is still really, really painful.. I am not sure the pain is always better on the other side of the fence since I have been on both sides.. ugh.. yes but there is the poor me card with him on round 2 when he described his previous relationships.. They are so charming that we get blinded and we hope that we are sweet enough for them to share what is really going on with them.. that is what I asked of him on round 2 but I don’t think he was really capable of it…
“Thank you everybody for the suport He havent sent anything more,at first I thought that text was a excuse to start contact with me again(that how it started the first time,with him texting me on my birthday what lead to 2 months of daily texts).But since he didnt send anything more I dont think it was that.I can say it realy got me thinking about him and missing him but now Im back in control.I do have that strong yearning for him yet but I know he isnt good for me and cant give me what I want so I have to be away.I will continue NC and hopefuly with time it will go away.”
Anusha, it’s so nice…well, nice probably isn’t the word, but, to see that just one text can spark somone elses deep feelings and longing like it does me. And It makes me realize how much I really need to maintain no contact, and reminds me WHY and how it is so necessary. I cannot have contact with this person, and just be friends with this person, without suffering in the long run. Thanks! And I’m glad he hasn’t contacted you again (-:
Love.
Excellent ending to this post series. As usual, thank you. 🙂
Brad K– Thank you!! I always wondered that about the ex-AC and thank goodness, he is an Ex. I don’t have children but I do know what was right and wrong or harmful and not. Eating cookies, chips, candy, hot dogs, nachos, pizza almost everyday was harmful to a growing body. Too bad this 9 year old child had to be an adult in some areas earlier than her 9 years.
I can honestly breath a big sigh of relief that this person is out of my life. I decided last year in September after much pain from the situation that I wasn’t going to allow someone such as him to take up more time and waste another year of my life that I will never get back, so I dropped kicked him, grieved and set about making a life that I wanted to have.
Also Brad thanks for your comments, they have been so helpful.
Take care.
“It’s hard but don’t try to get closure, don’t try to get him to explain, don’t try to get him to tell you what happened, don’t feel sorry for him and try to mend fences, don’t feel angry and try to get the last word, don’t initiate contact when you feel you’re over him, don’t accept contact when you think he might have changed, don’t become frozen/unable to move on, don’t waste months in an emotional stupor, don’t waste months trying to figure it all out, don’t contact him to be friends, don’t contact him to let him know he’s forgiven and you’ve moved on, don’t make contact to show you’re the bigger person, don’t think you can “love by exampleâ€, don’t think he’s changed because he met someone different, don’t blame yourself.”
So true! Luv it!!
Brad – Thank you for all your posts…they are, like MNL, right to the point. Looking back I think was dealing with two of him. One part of him is extremely religious, funny, expressive, honest (or so I thought) telling me exactly what he wanted in a relationship and me (I guess that was the hot) and the other part of him was quiet, to the point he almost disappearred when he was in front of me…it was like he was in another world. (Cold) I noticed how open and forthcoming he was after a few drinks. It is really frustrating but I have to keep coming back to this site to reinforce how WRONG this all was – or is.
PlanetJane – that paragraph is perfect. After five months I sent a text last weekend and shockingly got a response. (he did the disappearing act in January) Said he wanted to explain his behavior…that was five days ago…WHAT WAS I THINKING. It set me back…but hopefully I learned my lesson this time! Be strong. Look forward everyone. Please learn from my mistake. NC is the way to go…do not break it!
Everyone…read that paragraph over and over…until it sinks in.
Planetjane,
from my experience (just my opinion :)…the text was an invitation
for you to chase him. They are lazy you see, they will initiate contact and then get you to do the work, thinking about them, using up your precious life and energy wondering, oh and believe me it’s a game, will the mouse take the cheese… while they can eat it up and sit back safely knowing they have already rejected you. Then when you come back with your next text cuae they’ve got you wondering ‘what is this ll about’ they will strike meanly and you will be left reeling and all that reject you took way back when will come smashing back to hit you again. The text my dear is poison, don’t see it as anything less!! These guy’s murder hearts for sport!!
Harsh I know but we have to get real!!
peace (without them!)
Kimba, I didn’t write that paragraph – took it from a post above, and I think it’s perfect too! I am SO trying to live it right now. I just found out a few days ago that my eum – in the process of disappearing – claiming he wanted to maintain the friendship and that he might regret losing me someday (WTF?) – yet when asked directly if something had changed and he was seeing someone else, totally denied it. Anyway, I just found out from his sister, who is my very good friend, that he is sleeping with another friend of ours! She pursued him very hard apparently, after a conversation I had with her about our situation and how much I liked him. I’m so hurt. He’s called me once (after his sister gave him the riot act) – I didn’t answer and I really do not want to talk to him. I’m just tired of the lies and I don’t want to let him justify himself. But I’m feeling like maybe I’m being childish. That adults would be able to talk this through. But seriously, after two years of this same kind of BS, I am just truly done, and I don’t want to hear the bastard’s voice. Ok, just talked myself out of calling back (-: Why should I feel like I owe him a conversation and a chance to explain, when I gave him more than enough opportunities before…and even asked him point blank about this very thing! F him. Please tell me I’m right! (-: Ha ha!
Now I feel like I’m the bad guy for not calling back? Like I’m ruining the “relationship?” Well, maybe I am! Cuz it’s not worth salvaging. It isn’t.
Planet Jane,
I don’t understand why you feel like the “bad guy?” Didn’t this man treat you poorly?
Brad K, thanks so much for your advice. It actually makes three of his sister’s friends (that I know of) that he’s been involved with – although he thoroughly denied the last one I suspected, I now realize it was a lie.
I really don’t talk to his sister about us, but she is aware. She is the one that happened to find out about this other girl – who is also sleeping with a married man – and she was upset – told him to stay away from her friends, etc and told me because she thought I should know. I’m grateful. He told her he didn’t want a relationship with either of us. Great information (finally!) and that was all I needed to know. I wish I could say I didn’t worry about him and this other girl actually forming a serious relationship, but I really do. It hurts. But we’ll see.
Now, I just feel so stupid for falling for all his lies and manipulations. But I wanted to believe him and did the best I could at the time. Thanks for the parent analogy – we can’t always treat people in our lives so lavishly, giving them what we think they want and need…it’s not healthy. I’m not going to call him. I want him out of my life so I can have some peace and be happy.
Thanks.
Gayle, It’s so funny. I have a hard time seeing his treatment of me as “poor.” So many people have told me that he treats me badly and that he’s an AC basically – and so I’m finally starting to know it, but I just haven’t been able to see it. It’s the part of me that is overjoyed with crumbs I guess, and it’s very sad. I AM an FG…but not for long. Well, not anymore…permanently NC with this guy, and am going to take a lot of time and some therapy to heal before I even think about another relationship or dating. I want to be healthy.
I actually can’t believe I’m “that girl,” but when I write it out like this, it’s pretty hard to deny. Ugh.
Planet Jane,
Good for you!!!!!!!
Don’t beat yourself up, PlanetJane. You have a good heart that hopes for the best in people. It’s not your fault that he’s an AC — and you’re not stupid — learn to forgive yourself for your generosity. I know what you mean about being content with crumbs, but you deserve more!
Hi all,
I just wanted to post this link to a page I found dealing with ‘intimacy issues’..I found it ery helpful to get me out of my muddy illusional thinking and into concrete ‘realism’ as to what is right about a relationship and wrong…. please take the time, it really is worth it and of course this is just as a wee dessert NML is the best site there is!!! 🙂
http://www.livestrong.com/article/14682-handling-intimacy/
peace
Just thinking about something that the Ex-AC said a number of times in which I scratched my head in confusion….
He said the he loved me but… he also said that if I fell he would bust out laughing and this was when I stumbled over something. This from a 49 year old. Maybe off subject…sorry NML
Today is Day 7 of renewed NC with my married EUM…and I feel like all my energy and strength has run out of me. I have hidden my cell in a drawer since I think he may try to contact me today…I am trying to keep busy and strong…reading everything here helps…A LOT! To be honest, since I texted “Goodbye” last weekend I don’t think it’s even dawned on him that I am gone…and as stupid as that sounds, that hurts, too. I mean I know that I shouldn’t be surprised it was all him all the time and right now he doesn’t need anything.
I have to say that writing down a list has really helped…when I get weak I pull out my journal and reread it…first it keeps me busy for several minutes (its a long list!) and second it makes me relive those moments and then I tell myself that I don’t want to sign up for any more of them!
OMG I love this site and these articles are really goo and im finding them so helpful. I was thinking the same as the first girl who commented. That my ex married guy felt that I wasnt worthy of any of the list and she his wife was. But when i use my perspective shes not receiving any of those things either! ANd shes the one married to him! I dont want a marriage like that! I dont want a husband like that! I deserve better! Guess not I have to work on me and figure out why I felt I needed a complete AC like him to feel loved….
CAN i just add to CHitownkitty, keep up the NC!! I had 3 months NC and let him back into my life for two weeks and i realised nothing has changed and I just hurt even more. Keep him outta your life! Stay strong!
I’ve had NC for five months now but I think about him all the time. I really loved him but then he started freaking out saying he didn’t want to be in a relationship. We’d been dating for eight months and he started acting like an asshole. He said he had never meant for it to get this serious and that I loved him more than he loved me and that’s why he had to end it, I told him he was being crazy, it wasn’t like I was wanting us to move in together or anything.He said that the last time he felt as deeply like this was for his ex girlfriend and she had broken his heart and he couldn’t go through that again. I was devastated. We broke up, he’d change his mind, come back, saying his life was terrible without me, then treat me like shit. I finally told him to treat me properly or I was out of his life forever and he said he just didn’t want a girlfriend. Then he’d email, go through bouts of phoning constantly- saying I was treating him badly for not speaking to him, that he just wanted to be my friend and to see me, now he’s telling everyone he’s heartbroken. I’m trying so hard to drag myself away from him- therapy, NC. I know he’s immature and selfish and spoilt but I still miss him. AM I insane?I want my brain back! I want him out of it! I really love this website. It’s nice to know I’m not alone!!
It seems so clear and to the point, the way NML describes these types. The problem for me though, is that I want to understand on a deeper level what is going on.On a psychological level. I know myself, and I dont fully let go of anyone or thing, until I “get it” on that deeper level.
Also because my experience with my EUM is complex. He is loving, kind and caring. He is also rude, shut down and mean. I cant seem to simplify him in a way that would satisfy me long term. Ive done NC and although I was “away” from him, it didnt really help. I was OBSESSED! it is actually easier on me to be seeing him and working with my issues( low sel festeem) and understanding the dynamic, than just cutting off and saying he’s a jerk. I couldnt sustain that stance for long. Any input would be welcome!
@ I want my brain back.
If you really want to take your life back, and away from ties to him, then you have to pretend, you have to practice, and you have to plan.
Pretend there is something in your life that you enjoy. Reading, a hobby, good friends (non-intimate!), events and occasions and people that you respect and that respect each other. Knitting, or model trains, or origami, or designing gardens (actual or virtual). Whatever.
Practice thinking of something else. Have an activity, a pad of paper, a pencil, knitting or crochet or the paper or a book, have it handy, so that when you realize he is in your thoughts – you not only know you should think of something else, you have it to hand. Practice stopping thinking of him. Practice every time. You have a new life to build, one that encompasses what you know, what you believe, what you respect and admire. That is where your thoughts and energy should be going.
Pretend hard enough, practice enough, and it can become the truth. He is in your thoughts constantly, because you aren’t taking control of what you let influence your life. You say it has been five months NC, yet he is still a major influence in your life – you haven’t been leaving him behind because you haven’t been moving on. Look today and address what needs attention, look to tomorrow so you can be ready. And look to the past as you need to, to understand where you have been – but focus mostly on today and tomorrow.
As for why is is the way he is, that seems pretty simple. He is a perpetual dater, with no understanding or interest in a shared life, a long term relationship. He has told you that – and you still don’t believe him, or understand that nothing you can say or do can change his goals or aptitude or ability to form an attachment of any value.
Luck!
@ MCM,
There is danger in getting too close to someone that dysfunctional. You already identify, in part with his emotional unavailability, or you would never have picked him for an intimate companion. Delving into how the unavailability works invests your energy in the wrong end of the relationship. If you are going into counseling or mental health, that is one thing – objectivity and keeping from getting involved are major parts of the training.
What is critical to understand is how to recognize this dysfunctional behavior in others – and, how to overcome it in yourself. You need to heal, so that you not longer resonate with nor attract emotionally unavailable or abusive bozos. And, like the recovering drunk or smoker, that means you have to avoid – to fear – the substance that feeds your dysfunction, assclowns and EUMs, in this case.
You don’t need to know if he fanatically and religiously rejects a deep and rewarding bonding, a shared life, so that he is alternately drawn to and repelled by feelings of being trapped or disparaging of those that don’t reject him for his lacks. Whether he doesn’t know what he wants, whether he is bitter that you are too desperate to leave him doesn’t matter a whit.
He will *not* be part of your happy life; if you make a happy life it will *not* include him. So what you need to know to survive is not how he thinks and operates – what you need is to stop projecting and binding your life to your memories of him, and to live a healthy life with healthy people.
Continuing to fret about the details of what happened, of what he did or said, is a form of denial, not a healthy interest in people, in him, or in what happened to you. Continuing to worry about what happened strengthens your ties to him and to that time – ties that you will have to let go, sometime, in order to move on. In this case, the sooner you let the ties go, the better for you.
Brad K.’s last blog post..br: Dignity and choosing a partner
Ok I know I said I would not read or post to this site anymore, but I have to. Its day 21 of NC and I am still hurting so bad. I was so close to contacting him today. WHY? WHY? WHY? do I miss him so bad?? I think part of it is that I didn’t hang around long when he started the BS. It started (as most ACs) right when things were getting more serious. Then he wanted me to go from GF to “friend” to what really amounted to a booty call. I put up with this and his obnoxious treatment and obvious lies about not seeing anyone else for about three weeks before saying this is not for me. So there are way more good times and I MISS those so much I MISS him so much this just F**CKING hurts so bad!!! I just want to know if he misses me too. He wasnt one of those ACs that did not pay attention. He called me at least 5 times a day and we were together for about 8 months. Wouldnt you miss someone that you just all of a sudden didnt have contact with? I know I have given advise on this site and i dont know why I cant follow it myself. How did I become one who has low self esteem that I would want someone who has treated me this way? I was not like this before. I just want to stop crying everyday. God I feel so weak and pathetic. I guess not as pathetic as I would feel if I contacted him. He is respecting my request for NC and its making me sad how messed up is that? How did I get so messed up? I know what i need to do to stop and I just cant seem to stop thinking about him. Ok thanks for listening to my rant.
Sad kitty – Please stay strong. Your words are mine…I broke NC last week (since he pulled the disappering act in January) and texted my AC and got a response which he never followed up on since – and I have had a major set back. Please, as bad as you feel now, you will only feel more sadness if you contact him…and on top of it you will feel terrible for taking a step back. Stay strong.
Hay there my ex AC dumped me, then ejected me from is house in t-10 mins with my suitcase. My crime? I found out he’s been somewhere when he said he was somewhere else, namely with his ex. I still feel sh*te and its been over two months. I guess it’s a mix of ego and feeling stupid. Plus he was a damn odd ball – I never once met one of his friends!! In my gut I knew something was not right. Still getting thrown out on the pavement with suitcase (I lived away from him) was pretty humiliating and getting sworn at and told I was basically a scum bag. Rejection hurts.
Well, hello everybody!, I have to tell all of you that yesteday I told my EUM/AC, that i didn’t want anything to do with him, todays is my first NC day, I really feel bad because I still don’t know if he falls under this cathegory, but probably im just in denial, everything was grate with him, but when the relationship start to get serius he just back off, and after that he wanned to keep me as his friend (haaaaaaaat!!!), and yesterday like I told you before I told him i could’t be his friend after what he did to me, his words????? “OK, OK, OK, Bye”, I thought I was so good, so nice, so perfect, that he would see that and really fall in love with me, maybe he love me in his own bizarre way,at least i like to think it that way, and not that he just used me and dump me like a paper bag, well who knows, right now I don’t know what will happen!!!, lets wait and see!!!, I jut want to become more strong and smart about man!, thanks to all of you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
@SadKitty – When you say, “He is respecting my request for NC and its making me sad how messed up is that?”, I can totally understand why his actions or lack of actions make you sad. You want him to fight for you, to validate you, to chase you, to make you think he cares, etc. The fact that he is “respecting N/C is what hurts you – it’s like a form of rejection somehow and you may find yourself wondering why it so easy for him to do after all you guys shared. I am not as eloquent in matching my words to the thoughts in my head as NML and other posters here at BaggageReclaim: Never-the-less, I just wanted you to know that I know exactly why it makes you sad BECAUSE AT THIS VERY MOMENT I AM GOING THROUGH NC WITH MY EX-BOYFRIEND. When we broke up (he dumped me) 3 weeks ago he called every single day, several times a day for the first week (and even came to my job to leave a letter on the windshield of my car) and then nothing for the following 2 weeks and presently. I did notice one thing about myself/attitude during the first week that he called – I felt annoyed (because he was just reacting), wanted (eventhough I knew he would want things on his terms if we reunited), and empowered (which was an illusion and not real empowerment). The next two weeks when he stopped calling then I became sad. Still, I decided that I would not call or pursue him (Although, I did call one day after week 2 of our break-up to ask him to return a DVD/and my card to BlockBuster’s. I was dissappointed when he did not answer or return my call [ He didn’t even take the opportunity that I had given him to try to get back in with me! It’s for my own good that he rejected me because it was reinforcement-swift-kick-in-the-booty that I needed in my moment of weakness. I was just using the DVD/card as an excuse to contact him and see how he’d respond and I got my answer – more rejection] and to keep my eye focused on getting to the GREAT LAND OF INDIFFERENCE. I plan to rejoice and live it up!
PS – So that I don’t shuck-and-jive myself again I am going to BlockBuster’s, paying for the movie and any fees incurred, have my account deactivated and go on my merry little way – something I should have done in the first darned place instead of trying to underhandedly give him a way back in with me. If he wanted me he would have come to get me but instead he rejected me again AND probably saw right through my action. The fact that he hasn’t returned a movie that was rented 3 weeks ago is spiteful though.
Hang in there SadKitty, hang in there.
@brad K You are right at this point i know that if he tried to contact me I would probably cave and it does give him some control. Fortunately, I dont think he know this since I did shut him down and enforce the rule the two times he did try to break NC. I think that what I really was hoping for the whole time was for him to realize that he wanted to have a relationship with me and of course chase me some more. I feel so stupid for that. That is not what NC is for especially since now I know that his infact a supreme Assclown. I just cant figure out why in the face of that fact I cant seem to let go. What is wrong with me??? Have I lost all self respect?
@Kimba Yes I keep reminding myself that I was the who did rejected him in the end and that little bit of control is all I have to save face. I cant risk giving it up.
@ Renee I really think thats what bothers me the most. Did he ever really care? I know I do want to know so badly if he misses me at all. I guess thats what NML is trying to get through to all of us. He is EU and therefore no he doesnt miss me because he isn’t capable of feeling those kinds of emotions.
Thank you all for your replies its nice to have people who are feeling and going through the same thing I am. Well no I guess its not nice because we are all hurting, but you know what I mean 😉
Scoots,
OMG that is horrible. What an asshole. How long were you together? I know what you mean about the gut feeling. I had it and ignored or made excuses for it the entire time. I should know by now that my gut is never ever wrong. Im sorry that your AC was so incredibly cruel.
Sad Kitty- hang in there. I know exactly how you feel. My AC rang me constantly when we broke up ( he dumped me) I fianlly gave in and let him call over. Turned out he just wanted to tell me exactly why it was better ww weren’t togther anymore. He actually said he was *proud* of himself for dumping me before he hurt me even more. What really tore me apart was he listed all his ex girlfriends and described how amazing they were and how he was devasted when they dumped him and I was sat there thinking – how shit must I be if I’m trying so hard to keep you. He said he could only love me 80% then he said he was scared he loved me too much, then he said he was scared I loved him too much. I was dating Goldilocks..Thank you so much for your words of wisdom Brad. I need to stop trying to figure him out. It just happened so fast. Literally we went from planning a holiday to breaking up in the space of a week. He emailed me recently saying he couldn’t handle being witha woman with a career , whihc hurt so much because when we first got together he said my ambiton was what he admired in me. I’ve gone to therapy and started to try to love myself as much as I loved him. Everyday it gets a little bit easy.If you can figure out why you were with that AC, you can change every sinlge relationship you’re going to have for the rest of your life so it’s worth taking the time to heal, learn and love yourself. He will learn NOTHING from the experience but you can. xxxx
Also, I think we should be wary when AC use the words “Love” My AC “loved” me-when he wanted a shag, complained I didn’t “love” him enough when I wouldn’t do things in bed for him and then was scared off how much he “loved” didn’t “love” me. Love is our weak point, the one thing you can’t argue about or reason with. It’s about control not love.
@ SadKitty,
“Have I lost all self respect?”
Not at all. At different times we place more emphasis, more importance, on different goals or desires. Some times we are most concerned about avoiding a fight, other times we focus on pleasing someone. There are many times when we grit our teeth and do what needs doing, regardless of what the cost is.
Hopefully self respect is always there for all of us. But sometimes we need to be more concerned with self respect than we have been. We just need to reflect every so often, and adjust our priorities if need be.
(Self) Respectfully, Brad K.
PS – shutting him down is contact. Knowing that he attempted to send a message, if you didn’t read the subject or if you did, is contact. Contact re-starts the process of deciding if you want to hear from him, and hopefully re-starts you worrying if you trust him (this time). Knowing what he has to say, finding out what the topic is, letting him say something or write something that you have to accept or reject, these just make the contact more likely to tear you up. That is why it is the “No Contact” rule, and not a “No Long Messages That Might Mean He Really Loves Me” rule. Well, that, and we would get tired typing NLMTMMHRLMR.
Brad K.’s last blog post..BR: Commitment, a perspective
LOL … Brad K. that was funny! NLMTMMHRLMR …
I think even if we are the ones who initiate NC, we feel rejected if they dont try to contact us. It’s all mixed in with low self-esteem, etc.
Right now I’m struggling (day 18 of NC) because of misplaced guilt. For the first time in 3 years I ignored the AC’s birthday. Even last year, when we were broken up … again, I sent him a text. It is so unlike me to ignore someone’s special day … but I was afraid to contact him, for fear of not appearing to really mean it this time!
I’m just beyond ready to stop thinking about him … please!
Hay Sad Kitty
Thanks for the post. I am glad I found this blog as it’s helped me a lot. Ever since my time with the AC Supreme I feel like ‘Whuhhht just happened there….?’ We were having a long distance relationship so I never really realised what a k*ob head he was still I spent chunks of time with him. I guess we were together for about nine months but according to him, the first four “meant nothing”, his words.. because he was with his ex….of course he only told me this on ‘ejection’ day. I didn’t know of course. He threw me out when I found some card from his ex and said ‘uhhhhh what’s this’…. then I was ejected with suitcase… I kid you not. Red flags included never ever meeting any of his mates and being very disinterested in the sack, oh and being constantly picked on, even how I open draws or close a door was wrong. It was like he behaved really well for a few months then he just popped and became his usual self. He also made me cry. But hell, he made his mum cry his ex gf cry, the one before that cry… Jeez what a catch…
This might be the wrong place for this but I need to vent, and my problem is in no way more important than anyone elses.
I meet this person about six months ago, he kind of crashed a book signing I was at, we hit it off, but nothing came of it. Just a few comments from family friends that were suprised to learn “that infact, no he’s not my boyfriend, he just followed us over here from the resturant”. So moving along I run into this guy in april at a planning meeting for a city event and still nothing, a few emails here and there. So this 4th of July I run into this person again…and the moon and stars must have been in alignment because we clicked, So he asks me out to lunch and I agree..and it turned out to be for a networking lunch for a group he’s involved with (I did my research the day prior so I knew what was up before, but I still went along with it). So afterward we are talking(and since the 4th he’s told me everything about himself..sexual history and misadventure included, all with little to no prompting from me) and after a few hours we get up to leave and he walks me to my car and invites me out to a party later on that evening, and we kiss for the first time..ever. So I meet him later that evening and the small intimate party with a few of his friends turn out to be another sales pitch for the pyramid scheme he’s involved with.At this point I’m kind of wondering what the h$%* so afterward we go out to eat at a resturant near by and again spend hours talking about stuff and as we prepare to part ways he initiates plans to come over and hang out at my house and stay for dinner, the next day. The next day rolls around and he’s a no-show(I don’t call because a girl has to have some kind of boundries) so he calls around 5 pm just frantic he’s got to got a meeting, then change and pick up a friend and then go to another friends 21 birthday party, but then after all that he was going to come over and atleast say hi, needless to say he never showed up, no phone call the next day or the day after, but by friday night a picture shows up on his FB page of him going all kissy face on a girl from the party on wednesday. By this point I hadn’t spoken to him since wednesday night when he called.
Saying I was pissed is a understatement. I deleated him as a friend on FB blocked his number on both the house phone and mobile…but I still felt horrible, so horrible infact I got up at 5 am to go run on saturday morning, but by that afternoon I sent a him a message saying “Assholes I can deal with, but I cannot abide cowardice and that was what he was a coward and thank god I found out sooner rather than later”. Am I justified in being this quick to cut ties with this guy or should I have stood back and waited for him to get in touch with me(I refuse to persue him). I need someone elses advice aside from my mother.
Love your site. Discovered it when I realised that I have been dating unavailable me for …hmm a while 🙂 I’m on the road to self discovery and am in the middle of the No Contact Rule. Man this shit is hard, but i’m five days sober!! Yay.
In the midst of my “self discovery” I have discovered that after I split ways with these men, I have a hard time forgiving myself for being with the bastard in the first place I say to mayself “Nel, he told you this, he told you that how could you not expect this?” Why did you expect a different outcome.” So the challenge for me is truly, truly forgiving myself for my behaviour. It’s like I slap myself over and over again because I should have known and seen the signs AND ACTED on them to prevent the assness!
I don’t blame myself for the outcome or say omg! it’s all my fault I’m an idiot. But I truly need to forgive myself for not acting on my gut and teaching those idiots to treat me in such a horrible way.
So my question is about Self Forgivness. How do I go about forgiving myself? Why am I so hard on me? Hope you can help 🙂
Hey Ladies
Please take the time out to treat yourselves ( to wahatever you like that will make you smile again), you may just fall in love with yourself once you spend some time with yourselves. Life is too short to be beating yourselves out. I know “feeling rejected by these Assclowns” is an unnecessary way to learn to LOVE/LIKE yourself but be greatful that they opened your eyes to something bigger +better and that is YOU. Celebrate YOU. Not having a man is not the death sentence most believe it to be. I haven’t been in
“a real relationship” since I started dating and the best times I have are when I’m clam and chilled about my single status, it helps not to judge your singleness and focus on other positive things. I hope that those of you that are in pain will soon see the light. A man is not everything! give yourself a break and DO YOU for a change
Kind of found this site by accident when I was reading articles about men who suddenly disappear from your life. It’s been a great help but I am still struggling and each day is a chore for me to NOT send him an email.
I got involved with a EUM (which I really now believe that is what he is) almost 3 years ago. We met him and his wife through some friends. They were having marital problems and I was in a bad 21 year marriage ready to walk out. Long story short, we both ended up divorced. Not because we wanted to be together – just that our lives kind of collided at the same time.
Our relationship started off as best friends and let into Friends with Benefits although never consistent. We would go a week, sometimes 2 without seeing each other but pretty much each time we got together, we ended up in bed. Kind of like a bad roller-coaster ride. Then to make matters worse, one of the breaks where he didn’t call or come around, he had hooked up with a stripper who he got pregnant. Helped him through all that – pretty much his listening board while allowing him to pop in and out of my life.
The weekend we were together was the first weekend in June. Then the following week we had lunch and we to get together that night but he had “Baby Mama Drama†to deal with so had to cancel. That was our last phone conversation. So after 2 weeks I send him an email asking if he was alive and said that it was apparent he had other people occupying his life this time but that I was surprised he could just walk away from me without ever speaking to me again. He responded with a bunch of excuses, teenage son drinking too much and having alcohol poisoning, to the baby having thrush, you name it, his whole life is one big drama bowl. Anyway, so I write him back that we had always confided in each other and what has changed, etc. and that I was always just a phone call away. He never responded. Then, stupid me emails him a few weeks later just to say I was thinking about him and hope that life was treating him better. His response was that he was thinking about me too and said “Talk with you soonâ€. To date, no call, no email, nothing. Even when we didn’t see each other, he still sent me emails at work.
Still trying to figure out what happened for him to just pull away from me like that with no explanation. We considered ourselves best friends, lovers, you name it, we were always there for each other. However, with all the drama in his life, I shy’d away from calling him much and let him call me when he wanted to see me. Not sure if he felt like he was doing all the work, or if the drama in his life has just left him depressed (he suffers major depression).
The last time we spoke was on June 11th (the day he stood me up for Baby Mama drama). I have not made another attempt since the last email and didn’t even leave him a voice message for his birthday this past week. Trying hard to turn my hurt to anger but it’s really tough. I’m thinking I was looking at us as being more in a relationship than what he felt. And…no matter what I read or who I talk to, I know it’s a toxic rebound relationship and those never work out. Just want some answers and some type of closure and am really thinking about emailing him again but know I shouldn’t. I figure if he’s dealing with a lot (and I know he is including a bankruptcy), I should just stay away and let him come to me if and when he’s ready to talk???
When I read the list in part two “when a Mr Unavailable or assclown rejects ‘you’, it is actually more about rejecting: ‘ I was just sitting here saying ‘yes yes yes!’. but I still have some ‘yes buts…’
My EUM doesn’t quite fit the stereostype that most people discuss here. He had a long term relationship for 16 years, ended about a year ago. He is shy, has low self-esteem, and has not dated since his marriage break up. He is a workaholic, works 7 days a week, has not had a whole day off since we met 8 weeks ago. He has no time for hobbies, sports, anything really! His work/boss is incredibly demanding of his time, but he has also worked these long hours (90 a week usually) for so long he doesn’t know HOW to cut back. He has been flaky, often not calling when he says he will, cancelling last minute due to work pressures, and often not making much effort when he does seem to have some time. I was pretty miserable about the situation when HE called time on it, he says it is only the work situation, he thinks I am great, and the little time we have had together has been wonderful, but he needs to get work under control. We seemed to have an instant connection when we met, and I havent had that with anyone in 3 years or more. We also both want to move back home one day – currently living on the other side of the world. So it is very hard to just accept and walk away! We have had sporadic email contact the last week. But it is always me who sends the last one…I can never ignore an email…Am I deluded to think there might be a chance we could try again in future, if he sorts the work situation out? Or is he just not even man enough to say he doesn’t want to put the effort needed into a relationship? Would love some advice from anyone who has dated someone with similar characteristics!
Sweetpea76,
Let’s look at a couple of things.
Shy – that is fear. Low self esteem, insecure about social and interpersonal position.
Works long hours. On the one hand, doesn’t understand about living away from the job. On the other hand, doesn’t believe their work is adequate – that more is needed, or better is needed, to be good enough.
Abusive, manipulative, slave-driver boss. He chose to work for this company in this position. He could, if he believed he was being treated unfairly, find something else to do. Notice that few people flipping burgers really truly hate their job. The fact that he stays in his position is exactly the same reason as a battered wife is slow to leave – they think they deserve such treatment. Emotionally he is walking wounded; you called this weakness correctly.
But I am not sure you are allowing for what all this means – it means he is dysfunctional. He is hurting, emotionally he is incapable of rational and healthy action and interaction.
If you feel all Nurse Nightingale on him, beware that fixer uppers rarely stick around for more than bed games. He will be much more likely to resent you interfering in his life than to be grateful – and grateful is a really lousy way to start a relationship.
If he is working 90 hours a week, that leaves 11 hours a day for sleep, eating, laundry, bills, commuting – he may as well have entered a celibate monastery and taken vows, for all the interest he has in a relationship. He could not have more deliberately avoided the possibility of closeness than if he shared a bed with his parents.
If he ever (or wants to) gets his work under control, I would guess that he would look for more work. That is the life he knows. In any case, you *have* to assume that he will work his way into this kind of situation time after time after time. If want to be like the old trapper’s wives – have hubby under foot a couple of weeks every half year – that is said to be the best marriage. But that is not what we have come to expect of a relationship. And it certainly deprives children and spouses of the chance to be a family.
Overworking is a character flaw. Being a life-mate and co-parent is a life’s work, the craft or profession or job we undertake to support us and our loved ones cannot be permitted to interfere (too much!) with the important things.
@Brad-You just described my ex.He is shy and works a lot too.He is smart and can get a much better job where he gets paid more and doesnt have to work so hard but he sticks to it anyway.He works like 10 hours a day and his job is so phisicaly demanding that he just praticaly pass out in bed when he gets home.I talked with somebody that was doing the same kind of job as him and he said that isnt a job to do for long.That is something to work for a short while when you need money or until you get a better one but my ex is on that for 12 years or so.He had a lot of problems on his childhood with his dad working too much and never being around and not looking for contact with him after the divorce.His parents got divorced when he was starting to be a teen so he had to go trough those years(in my opinion the time that a boy most need a male figure) alone.I see he went trough a lot and I think maybe that is what made him a EUM.
“But I am not sure you are allowing for what all this means – it means he is dysfunctional. He is hurting, emotionally he is incapable of rational and healthy action and interaction.
If you feel all Nurse Nightingale on him, beware that fixer uppers rarely stick around for more than bed games. He will be much more likely to resent you interfering in his life than to be grateful – and grateful is a really lousy way to start a relationship.”
I can realy relate to that,I tried interfering on his life and he resented me.When I asked for more time together he would say that I didnt let him live his life.Anyway I think that you said on the first sentence is very important,he is incaple of healthy interaction so having a loving relationship with him is just impossible.Thanks to remind me of that.
Hi everyone. I just found this site, and I really need to get some things that are bothering me with my MM. I kinda fell into this with him. I have never before been with someone elses man and I feel so strange. I really do love this man, actually right down to his core. He has 2 kids and says that he is “in his current situation” because of them and that he cares about his W, but does not love her. Well, after being together and ofcourse wanting more…..I reach out and he assures me of his love for me, but boy is he real busy all the time now.
My emotions are upside down and inside out. My core is shaking. I don’t want to be without him, but I don’t want to be the woman in the shade of the tree that noone can see.
I have nobody to talk to and I need some advise. help!
@Moondancer,
I can relate to your situation, and feeling “upside down and inside out”. I ended a relationship with a MM almost 4 weeks ago, and it was so difficult to get to the decision to end it, but I knew I couldn’t go on like that – as you describe so well “the woman in the shade of the tree that noone can see.” When I was getting ready to break up, someone on this site asked me “what are you getting out of this?” and she suggested “less than nothing”, while he gets the stability of a marriage, plus an extra bed partner so he doesn’t get bored. It is a horrible place to be. I also had nobody to talk to as I was too ashamed to tell a soul about our affair.
What are you hoping to get out of the relationship with this MM? If it is a loving, committed relationship, you may be in for a big disappointment. Yes, it is hard to break up with them, but it is sooo worth it – you are worth it. Now that I have not had contact with my ex (except for a couple of work-related emails) for a few weeks, I am gaining more objectivity, and I’m questioning whether I really did love him. He was *always* really, really busy, too, and I got to feel like I was wayyy down his list of priorities. Your man says he cares for his wife, but doesn’t love her, but right now he is *choosing* to be with her, and not to make a break from her and be with you.
Best of luck with your decision, and you can always come to this site for support. The best way to get feedback is commenting on the most recent post, which is “compatibility and your type” part 3 right now.
Please please Please please Please
Consider re-writing this page in a way that applies to both male AND FEMALE Assclowns/Miss/Mrs,/Ms. Unavailable.
Everything you wrote about Him also applies to the HER that is my ex.
I am much happier now that I have lost her – saddened by what could have been her, but recognize that she doesn’t WANT to be better. Man am I happier now!!!
This should give you materials a whole new audience – Everyone who has ever been pinned under an abusive partner. Yes, i call this sort of behavior Emotional Abuse. it hurts, it’s wrong, let it be OVER!!!
lonewing,
I think most guys can apply the parts that fit to their own lives. The issue is that of all the sites for women and dating, as far as I know Baggage Reclaim is the only one that focuses on what women need to do to escape a cycle of similar, hurtful partners. There is possibly room for a forum about how a guy needs to change to be acceptable to a partner of good character and suitable interest to be a good mate-prospect.
But guys seem able to hang onto the juvenile date-at-any-cost mentality so much longer. And there is little social pressure to consider perpetual dating – the Playboy philosophy – a flawed life goal. There seems to be precious little audience to embrace changing their lives to make a better shared life.
In some sense we are given the same myth and fairy tale that the girls are – that there is someone special just for us. The implication that we don’t have to change, to adapt, to strive to be an honest and respectable person to enjoy life with an honest and responsible woman just doesn’t make the top 40 or sexy ads or hot movies.
Know what honor and respect and discipline are in your life, avoid those that are disrespectful of themselves and others, that are undisciplined, proud, dignified, or arrogant – or have invested much of their life into a sexy image or an ability to attract bed partners, and I think you have a fair chance at finding an appropriate partner for a good shared life. Oh, and set out, from the beginning, to find a qualified mate prospect; dating for fun and then hoping it turns into “real love” risks getting attached to someone inappropriate from the get-go.
NML’s ebook, Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, explains some of the problem. You are correct, just switching gender labels does not work, because society looks differently at men slipping around than women straying. Realistically, cheating is cheating, and always a failure of character.
Hope you find understanding about how to rebuild your self esteem and setting boundaries, to avoid repeating a painful relationship with a new, unsuitable partner.
.-= Brad K.´s last blog ..A theme song for the EUM cycle =-.
this is my first time on this site & i have to say it’s slowly but surely helping. i was dumped by my EUM about three weeks ago & while it hasn’t been too easy, im coming around.
i knew our relationship was bad from the start but i saw it as better than being alone. he said i made him miserable & that he couldn’t give me what i needed. it hurts when someone tells you “i dont think i could ever love you” & i immediately wanted to blame myself & wonder what was wrong with me.
i kept thinking “well maybe if i didn’t nag him as much he’d come around” but it wasnt that. i was the best girlfriend i could be & maybe i wouldn’t have had to nag if he treated me right in the first place.
i just need to stop blaiming myself because i know the healing wont start until i do. this site has helped me realize that there is nothing i could have done for him to see me for what i am.
he had just gotten out of a five year relationship, has a resentful relationship w. his mother, hates his brother for possibly being a homosexual, & took care of his dying father at a young age. i now see that someone like that is no where close of giving me what i need or deserve. its just hard not to take it personally
@ raquel,
No, I don’t think there is anything you could have done to make him see you for what you are. In fact, I don’t think it would have mattered if he had.
I am sure you know about being alert for the lies guys tell, when they are trying to “get lucky”. But I am not sure you realize(d?) that there are some truths you dare not ignore. When a guy tells you that you make him unhappy or miserable, or that he doesn’t love you – these are true. Believe him – and run away. Especially EUMs won’t change, they cannot change, not for you nor for their own good, either.
You mentioned nagging. I don’t think nagging is an act of respect. Like lying, nothing good can come of it, and we don’t do it when we respect the other person. Additionally, acting with disrespect becomes a habit, and we find ourselves being less respectful of others, too. Without respect there is no basis, no foundation for a relationship.
You made one really powerful statement, “i was the best girlfriend I could be”. I don’t know if you ever tried to eat ice cream with a table knife. It can be done, it takes more time, and more ice cream melts before you finish. Getting a better table knife, one more elegant, or lighter, or prettier, won’t matter at all, if a spoon is what is needed.
This guy wasn’t able to take care of himself, emotionally, and is years away, at least, from being useful as a partner for anyone. He didn’t need a better girlfriend. He needs therapy, and he needs to understand his fears and he needs to discover what his own needs are. No girlfriend will be better for him.
For many reasons, I agree that it is better to share our lives with a good person. But I think we have to be used to interacting with good people before we get interested in one. I think a couple is a couple because they interact with their community as a unit – they live and work as a couple, and less as individuals. The community considers them to be partnered, not just two individuals. So one measure of a meaningful relationship might be – is he/she able and willing to join with me, to share community responsibilities? That takes honor, respect, discipline – character.
It is tough not to blame yourself when that dish of ice cream is mostly melted, and you are tipping the dish and dipping that table knife, and still not getting that ice cream finished. The only thing you can do is walk away, and next time be sure he has a full set of tableware.
Luck.
I broke up with my EUM a while back because he kept postponing making a commitment to me even though we had discussed it many times. His reason was of course timing and waiting for his family to start supporting our relationship even though he didn’t make any efforts to make this happen.
We tried being friends after the break-up, but it felt wrong to me and I couldn’t talk to him normally because I kept lashing out on him for making promises he didn’t keep. He always withdraws when I am angry but he said he understood my anger and that he wanted to keep me in his life as a friend. Still he never initiated contact and I started obsessing about why he said he wants me in his life and still doesn’t get in touch. Whenever I called him, he would be polite and say he will get in touch soon, but he never did.
Even though I broke up with him, I ended up feeling rejected because he still makes promises he doesn’t keep. I have told him that he should just admit that he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore, but he says that’s not true and it just infuriates me why he can’t be honest and upfront. Lately he’s stopped taking my calls as well. I know I have to move on and stop obsessing, but I really want him to get in touch with me so I can reject him back and ignore him the way he has been ignoring me.
what happens when you have had a baby to a guy like this and he rejects you is very abusive to you call you names even though you are none of the things he calls you im a pretty women and he knows it and now i using the no ontact rule with him him he has to make all contact though my mum in regards to his child calls me ugly and fat and worse how do you deal with this problem is it him who has low self-estrem and is trying to bring me down he has stopped calling me now its only been 2 weeks with no contact but cause we have a chilld do you think he will stay way
Debbie78,
Is this guy paying child support? Are you going to retain full custody of the child? After the legal details are worked out, you can communicate through e-mail and make a mutually-agreeable meeting place for him to see his child-w/o contact.
Yes, this man has some serious self-esteem issues-not good for your child to witness his treatment towards you. People that hurt others in this manner do so to make themselves feel better about them selves, they’re called losers!
I wish you all the best with this difficult situation.
“Most of these guys are unable to cope with anything beyond the initial high and they like chasing that feeling, unable to cope with the idea that relationships grow, prosper, and should build into something steady that will burn a lot brighter and stronger than any lusty beginning. They don’t want permanency and they don’t want to connect, and they don’t want the responsibility that comes with being in a genuine relationship.”
– so how should i feel if Mr unavailable has now told me that he IS ready to get close to someone, find a steady, have a real relationship BUT not with me, of course. How can I not feel rejected by that? I feel insulted, humiliated and rejected all at once. In other words, I’m miserable. 🙁
annied, if what he says is true, and he is ready to have a real relationship, but just not with you, then he would need to have the following quality – consideration for other people and their feelings. But in that case he would never be so inconsiderate as to say what he said to you. So in fact he has nothing to offer you or anyone else.
wow, thanks peace. i never looked at it that way. you are right. who says that to anyone? let alone someone he claims to “love”. i’m going to copy what you said and put it on my fridge. a lesson for me and my children. thanks again.
annied, peacefog is right, …his words show he has no clue how to be a mature and decent person. It is also possible he is making a point to hurt you, since you rejected him ( I assume) by not being willing to put up with his crappy behavior. Silly clown.
The AC I know definitely had the ” take it or leave it” component to his very difficult personality. When I finally realized that work and compromise was not truly on his radar, I made the choice it was time to ” leave it “, and that meant I was rejecting him. Maybe you did the same thing by putting up some boundaries. The AC then struck out at me by saying some really shocking and cruel things. He was trying to hurt me, since I said I could not accept him anymore, as he was. And that was rejection in my part.
But, I assumed I would get a mature response to my very calmly presented boundaries. Not so at all. After the shock of how cruel , simpleminded and so full of hate he could be, I came to see his angry words as just more AC BS, which he is full of, and knows it.
So, I stopped feeling bad for his rejection of me, and realized it has to be this way. For, you see, I am not willing to accept him as he is, unwilling to work to change and have a healthy relationship and that rejection had to hurt him. And since he is working hard to be OK with himself, coupled with the fact he is not too emotionally capable, the only thing he could do was get mad, like a mean little kid, and reject me back.
Bottom line for me, as NC goes on, is this….their rejection is not as devastating as we initially see it. It really might be more about them doing something to cover their skinny little AC buts. Heck, they may even ” love us’, as much as their skinny lil AC buts are capable of. It matters not, it is not mature and stable love.
For me NC, firm and unwavering, has been the only way to go. It’s a long haul out of the EUM world too, evidenced by the fact that whenever I come back here I realize I am still dealing with the fallout. But I would never trade anything for the progress that I made from developing firm boundaries.
Never feel that you don’t deserve good love. And do everything in your power to give good love to others. But when an AC comes your way, I now know you have to step aside and let him pass. Anything else makes me lose site of what I want..stable, confident and mature loving people.
i am in a seriously bad situation. i have been w/ a chronically unfaithful and abusive man for the past 4 years. i don’t think it was ever just he and i the whole time we were together. it was for me, though. i was loyal to the end. he has probably hit me 8 times since i’ve been w/ him. once, i lost consciousness. the first time was about a year in. i have read countless books on relationships and have read this wonderful website for about a year. i have also been in counseling for over a year. and still, i kept holding on. just recently, i was humiliated to find out he is STILL seeing the same woman he was seeing back in january. the one he swore he had stopped seeing. she texted me..mocking me..asking where my man was last night. normally i would of gotten real nasty w/ her but i just didn’t want to. i am so damn tired of feeling not good enough for him to stay faithful to. i’m worn out emotionally. it is HIM i was upset w/. not her. he is the one that has allowed her to remain in his life. and i’m just tired of it all. i just want to rise above it. i’m sick of fighting for a man that doesn’t give a sh*t about me. and i am FINALLY ready to end it. i just don’t want to do it anymore. but now, he’s saying he can’t move out b/c he can’t afford it and he wants to make it work. i can’t move on when he is still living w/ me and i’m scared of the potential violence if i ask him to leave. but i don’t want to lose the strength it has taken so long to build while he hangs around….chipping away at my decision to end things.
i also don’t want to throw him on the street when he has nowhere to immediately go. i do pay the majority of the bills though. he helps me @ times. i just need some advice on this situation. thanks.
This site has helped me out so much Thank you !!
I don’t have a habit of dating EUM’s, so I had no idea people could actually be like this! (Yes I am young and naive).
I went through two years having the feeling that something didn’t feel right but the guy was always hot and cold and I’ve never experienced this before so I was baffled to what the reason was. I thought it was me and I searched and searched the internet for answers, then I found this site.
I will spare you the whole long story, but he has told me he loved me, introduced me as his girlfriend and then two weeks ago says I am only his friend (thats when I cut him off). And then I found this site, and it was like a light bulb went off – “Oh – THAT’s what it is! It’s not me, it’s HIM!”. I am no longer attracted to him because I am turned off by his emotionally unavailability-ness.
I know I need to cut contact with this guy, and I admit I am having some trouble cutting him off (I don’t contact him – he calls me). Sometimes I answer sometimes I don’t.
So this is my problem now: I’m in the beginning stages of cutting contact. I work with this guy, so I see him at work. I’ve told myself to be nice and polite to him at work only and not answer his calls. So yesterday I was tired and a little hungover (I went to the bar the night before with my girl friends to try and take my mind off of him – it worked and I had a great time) then I had a huge fight with my sister in the morning, so I my guard was down a little bit and my true feelings came out when he approached me at work.
He came by my desk to talk and instead of being nice and polite I was a complete bitch. I know this is because I am so angry at him and hurt since (I also feel betrayed and embarrassed that I let it go on for so long) but I don’t want him to know how I feel because then he will think “I was right not to be with this girl” and he’ll know that I am angry at being rejected. I don’t want to give him that satisfaction.
This guy is very VERY smart, he’s a pro talker and everybody likes him. He is very dangerous because of this. He acts very nice to everyone but he is very calculating in what he does and he is an expert at reading and interacting with other people.
Later that day I saw him in the hall and he questioned my bitchy behavior. I was SO bothered that I let him get to me that I texted him last night to say sorry for being a bitch and that I was dealing with some family issues right now. I wanted to explain my behavior so he wouldn’t think it was because of him – which it is. I also wanted to say sorry so I would feel better about myself.
He called today after work, I hesitated to answer but I picked up because I did text him yesterday and thought I would look bad for not answering.
Well….I acted bitchy towards him again, I couldn’t help it! It was completely transparent that I am unhappy with him. He is an extremely confident guy and was talking about how he’s the best dresser at work and asked if I thought so (see how he sets me up!) I said no, this other guy was. Which I immediately regretted saying because it just goes to show that I am bitter about the end of our relationship and that I am not confident enough to move on and not let it bother me.
I am so pissed at myself for behaving like that around him. To make matter worse, he was really polite and happy on the phone, which makes me feel like an idiot.
I’m so nice to everyone but when he comes around I can’t help but feel angry, and it shows whether I like it or not. So now I am thinking that I have to answer when he calls me next so I can show him that I’m happy and confident. I really REALLY don’t want him to see how much it has affected me.
I’ve gone so far as to cancel my cell voicemail and turn off my house phone so he can’t reach me. If he asks me about it at work I will just say I got a new number.
Any advice? I want to answer his next call (one last time) just to show that I can be nice and friendly with him so he doesn’t see that he’s caused me so much pain.
I know you are probably going to say I should just cut my losses and be polite and nice at work and not answer his calls outside of work. I am worried about doing that because he might think I can’t talk to him because it hurts too much.
I know that sounds stupid, why should I care what he thinks? But it KILLS me that he knows I’m angry and upset and I’m letting it bother me. The reason it makes me so angry is because then he was right to not be with me and that I’m not a good person, when I know that’s not true. I hate that he thinks that I’m dwelling on it and its bothering me, when in reality I have good reasons to be angry at him.
I think you have to ask yourself, why do you care what this guy thinks about you? He’s treated you badly and you still continue to be nice to him? This site is about empowering ourselves and doing what is in our best interest, if you need to communicate, it should only be about work-related. Period!
By the way, someone that requires such reenforcement regarding their appearance is very insecure.
Brittany, it’s time to think about yourself and stop apologizing , remember how he treated you.
I think this is the most healing information I’ve ever read.. I go back to it repeatedly to remind myself.. I’ve passed on the website to others. You are heaven-sent.
My EUM didn’t pull a “disappearing” act or cheat on me or anything. But once I started hanging out at his house, he treated me like a roommate. He went his way and expected me to go mine. Except we did have dinner together, but even that was a joke. When I wanted “us time,” he acted like I was being “too needy” and needed to “get a life.” When I wanted to “talk about something” he would get angry. And, when I would say that I had seen no change in a previous issue we discussed, he accused me of “not letting go of something.” And when I told him that he had unresolved issues with the ex, he accused ME of needing the counseling.
having to communicate – he didn’t want to
having to be emotionally available – he didn’t want to
having to empathise – he didn’t want to
having to recognise someone’s needs other than their own – didn’t want to
having to be expected or needed – didn’t want to
having to deliver on the words that come out of their mouths – BOY THIS WAS A BIGGIE! He would say, “we should do X” and then never make it happen.
having to make an effort – NO EFFORT was made, even though he claimed he was making an effort. I guess the fact that he provided the house was, to him, an “effort.” He didn’t have a clue as to what “effort” was.
@ SIANNA,
There is wayyy too much drama going on here.. and physically abusive?? There should be major red flags going off!
How could you possibly open yourself up to counseling and/or self-help books when you are living with this monster who is beating you to a pulp physically and emotionally .
Get out FAST. Stop worrying about what will happen to him, or where he’ll go.
For your own sanity – you need to leave… get a good therapist and really open your heart to begin the process of healing… it sounds like it will take a while…
Much luck.
I agree with PUSHING THRU…. SIANNA you need to put his ass out… AND its not your responsibility to worry about whether he’ll have a place to go. Did it ever occur to you that he is only there as a convenience? You state that you are paying the majority of the bills.. WAKE UP!! He is only sticking around because you allow him to and the longer you allow him to the longer he will use you up physically; emotionally; until you have nothing left… And then he will be on to the next best thing…HIS NEXT VICTIM.. let him go…
My ex tried to use me up… the only difference is that we were not living together… WIse up and wake up ladies is all I can say..
I think I am the poster child for this blog. I can’t help but feel as though it IS about me, especially if after our 10 yr relationship, he leaves me for one of the “other” women and he and she are successful and he does give her what she “expects” and all those things that were supposedly being rejected by him when he was with me, all of the sudden have appeal because of her and his desire to make her happy. What was I doing wrong that he did not have that same desire or what is she doing right that he has that desire? I just can’t seem to get past this and in spite of the advice that my obsessing is hurting me and not allowing me to move on, i still cannot seem to do it. Honestly, the only thing i want right now is to stop hurting and crying everyday, I have no desire to find a “healthy” relationship, I don’t want any relationship and feel okay with being alone, but I just don’t want to continue to feel, I just don’t want to feel at all. I don’t “fear” perpetuating involving myself in a bad relationship at all as I don’t want a relationship to begin with.
In response to your comment I am not going to tell you to stop obsessing and think about yourself etc etc. That is true but this is clearly not the cliches you need right now. I think that you are right in not wanting another relationship straight away as this might lead to more hurt as you are clearly not recovered from heartache. I know how you are feeling, the obsession, the what ifs and the crying at home alone, trapped in the misery of rejection. However you, I and others like us cannot let these feelings swallow us whole as the only outcome down that route I’m afraid to say is a padded cell or suicide.
My advice is to take each day at a time. Set yourself little goals. Eg : Today I am going to go for a long walk/take some excercise (endorphines will be produced, guaranteed to make you feel a bit better!) Or why not have a long chat with a good friend, listen to some good music, achieve a goal at work, do something new such as a hobby. All these small things will evantually create one whole and you may realise you are in a better place. After heartache, paticularly after a nasty breakup with an EUM we will never be the same and cannot expect to be so. We can only piece ourselves together again withdrawing bits of our old selves before we met them and our experiences with the EUM which will make our new self. One that is stronger and wiser.
HRTBRKN
10 years is a long time to be in a relationship and he moves on to be with someone else. Its especially terrible if you weren’t married for 10 years but just in a relationship. I don’t think people stay in relationships for 10 years without getting married altough it really wouldn’t make it any better if you were married for 10 years and he left cause marriage doesn’t hold a relationship together. I think if he’s not the right person then he just isn’t. Sometimes we stay for years because we become accepting of what we are receiving when its never God’s best for us. My best friend just got out of an 8 year relationship with her beau. Had a baby by him this being his 3rd child because he was separated when they had met but not yet divorced. After he finally got that divorce she had high hopes that he was going to marry her. Not to mention he moved in with her; she helped him to be the man that he was.. and after he got on his feet and started and knew that her plans for marriage were becoming way more serious than he anticipated he BOUNCED!!! Just a run through.. He has three kids already prior to their getting married; he gets my best friend pregnant all before his divorce is even final.. A year or two later its now final…. by this time he has moved in with my best friend; she anticipates just because she has #1. Had his child #2. Moved him in to her new home(he’s gets all the freebies; perks that he wants) #3 She has helped him on his feet and the final RESULT….. DISASTER… They were together in a relationship for 8 years!!! He didn’t stay with his first wife. and 3 kids… so what would make him behave differently? (Everything until she started giving him serious ultimatums that she wanted marriage) He made a run for it… And can’t even pay child support the way he’s suppose to and that’s all that he owes her at this point.. He got a free ride; her perks; free rent; and all she got was a child out of it. A child that has a dead beat as a father.
JJ–
Your friend should change the last name of the kids to HER last name. He doesn’t deserve to have: 1. a decent woman give HER child HIS sorry-ass name; and 2. his genetic material propagated AND his last name, too–too much of a HUGE windfall for him then…not to mention now already!
Ain’t it nice to be a loser man? You can get ALL the perks PLUS your last name and genes being passed on…for FREE! AND you get to see a lot of women, too! Imagine what the winner guys get! Maybe a hotter babe. Maybe one with a degree or two, too, and some money from the folks. But then she ages, too; doesn’t she? As he gets to know her, her faults–even if minor–become known; don’t they? Then the mistress comes in. And, of course, it’s always the wife’s fault; right!
Yes, VERY nice to be a man these days. The women’s movement and birth control did a LOT for us; didn’t they! When kids aren’t born, they get the free sex! When they are, they get their last name and genes to go on! And women still do most of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc.–PLUS bring in money these days!
And then women spend hours agonizing over idiots who looked good only at the beginning.
All’s I know is, birds of a feather flock together. AND I have been hanging with too too many EUMs in my life. People, when you do this, it takes a LOT of energy, strength, etc. to hang with NORMAL people. I don’t think that I have ever known, until now, recently, what normal people are.
And, with the way the world works these days, these types of people are multiplying like flies! (Or toxic vampire bats!)
I take that back it was actually his 4th child by the time he got my best friend pregnant and now she suspects that there is a fifth child by another female as well. I tell ya.. these men can have children all over the place and you think you may know but you have no IDEA!!
This site has been rewarding in so many ways but i still wonder that if i had not cheated in the first place that maybe things would’ve been different. The reason why i did was because he was in jail for eight months even before he went into jail he was constantly making promises to help pay for rent and bills which he never did. It was a constant struggle to just get him to do anything responsible. On that note, he was constantly in trouble with the law. He had also hit me in which the reason why he got put into jail was because of me but also because of him not being able to keep up with his probation. Two years later and now im facing bankruptcy we have finally cut our ties. I cut them because even though we were on and off he keeps throwing things back in my face about what I did. He keeps telling me that its my fault for the reason why he is talking to another woman right now. I HATE FACEBOOK JUST FOR THIS!! He believes that I was leading a double life towards the end of our relationship but in fact i wasn’t. He doesn’t want me to have guy friends yet I just looked on his and he is trying to get at this girl that even looks like me. Im wondering if he misses me im wondering is she giving him something that I didnt. Im wondering why i commited so much time into something that he never saw that he truly hurt me and thats the reasons why i did what i did. am i the one thats truly the reason for making this relationship not work? This hurts so much that i cant even think about dating another guy even looking at another guy without feeling that bitterness and rejection yet he is getting comment after comment from this girl who flaunts her body all over facebook. I feel so alone and i feel like ill never heal.
@ USED
Yea you are right on that. Free perks(free last name) cause really when we have babies by these ass clowns that is really all we are giving them. Thank God my ex ass clown didn’t drop one off in me! Like I keep saying; I am no longer on sale. I am worth way more than what I have been settling for. I am done with ass clowns; EUM’s and Narcissts men!! Done!!
Natalie as usual your posts are spot on! While I blog about how to de-code the games and NOT take it personal, your blog takes it a step further to really help us figure out what is happening internally that has allowed these relationships in the first place. I really applaud your insight and ability to do this without making women feel even worse, ie-you are co-dependant period and there is something wrong and defective in you, which further adds to the pain-and that I’ve seen all over the web.
I remember a girlfriend of mine in a horrible relationship who said “I know that this guy is a total loser, and went on to point out why (and she was right.) She went on to say “But he’s rejecting me! This loser is rejecting ME, so, what does that make ME?”
And I just shrugged and said to her, “Lucky.”
She’s not with him anymore! 🙂
For a few moments, I could FEEL what it would be like to have the type of relationship with love, care, trust and respect because of this article and for the first time in a long time; it was like I got a glimpse of how a healthy relationship would feel like – something my ex-EUM could never give. And how I would look back at the ex-EUM and he would FINALLY pale in comparison. Wow! It looks like I reached a point where I am beginning to move on in my life! 😀 Thank you, Natalie!!