I have a guest post from Emily of X & Y Communications which is an all too familiar scenario with Baggage Reclaim readers – trying to read a mans mind and interpret signals that are either mixed or non existent….
Maureen asks: My dilemma is that I have been dating this guy for close to eight months. I am almost ready to tell him that the only way I’ll continue going out with him is if things are going somewhere and if he is not seeing someone else because I don’t want to waste my precious time.
I don’t like that when we are having dinner or at the movies he keeps answering text messages to I don’t know who (this happens even when he is driving). He says he really wants to get to know me better but sometimes his actions tell me different.
When we are waiting for our dinner at a restaurant he transports himself somewhere else like if he is hypnotized (I feel ignored). He tends to get easily irritated and something that is starting to annoy me is that sometimes he stutters which makes it hard to communicate (but this is only sometimes, its kind of weird).
He is hardly affectionate and hardly hugs me or holds my hand. The other day we where cuddling at my apartment, I started to kiss him and he responded but when things were getting a little passionate he stopped kissing me, closed his eyes and nodded his head like saying “no”. I felt rejected and confused.
I am confused, I don’t really know what he wants. He gives me mixed signals, the other day he invited me to a family party at his parents’ house, there I met everyone in the family including grandma.
I believe he might have someone else. Someone that gives him what I don’t (I have not slept with him yet). It would be nice to know what the heck is going on his head. Sometimes he tells me he cannot be himself when he is with me (I try to be as cool as I can but still he thinks the same).
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Hello Maureen and thanks for writing.
The story you shared is one that I’m sure a lot of women can relate to.
Simply put, he confuses you. The messages are mixed, and the forecast for the future is cloudy–at best.
A lot of times I get e-mails from women like you who wonder what their man is thinking, and want to “get inside his head” a bit to see what’s going on.
The bottom line is this: If you have NO IDEA what he’s thinking, then he probably ISN’T thinking “This woman is the love of my life and I want to be with her forever”.
It’s more likely that he’s thinking about an EXIT STRATEGY.
Think about it yourself.
After eight months, why shouldn’t you know whether or not the two of you have some sort of future together?
And after so much water under the bridge, shouldn’t you at least be able to spend time with him without having to second-guess what’s going on when he picks up his cell phone?
And surely…if a guy is ATTRACTED to you, wouldn’t he at least want to be affectionate towards you in some way?
But he’s not pulling the plug on his own, which could mean he is more willing to stay in a dead-end relationship than to “hurt your feelings”.
I know, I know…you’d just rather hear the truth if that’s the case instead of having to guess. Unfortunately, that doesn’t change the pandemic fear that some men have of making women cry. They think they’re being “nice”, but they’re only postponing the inevitable.
But in this specific case of yours, there are other possibilities at play that potentially complicate the matter. For example, based on his reaction to your attempt to escalate physical interaction with him, he may be very self-conscious about the concept of having sex…at all.
Some men are ashamed of themselves physically and this literally paralyzes them.
I realize this in not exactly in line with everything you’ve ever heard about men being ‘all about sex”, but it’s a very real phenomenon for a certain cross section of men.
But my guess, based on his detachment from you elsewhere, is that this is not really what’s going on.
There is actually one other distinct possibility that may sound preposterous but must not be discounted.
I hope you are sitting down for this.
He may not be into you…or ANY OTHER WOMAN, for that matter.
That’s right: Perhaps your man is gay and has not come out of the closet yet.
Seriously, many times gay men want to give the appearance of “straightness” and therefore date women. I have heard of real examples of this from many readers and even seen this sort of thing happen in relationships people close to me have had.
The result is invariably heartbreak for women who find themselves in this position…and it can be humiliating on top of all else. His lack of desire for physical affection despite the eight-month relationship, the secrecy of his other interactions, and the subtle indication that “he cannot be himself with you” all point to the possibility that this may be exactly what’s going on in your case.
The fact that he made it a point to a family party with all of his relatives there at once only serves to validate my instincts here.
In many ways, the appearance at that party could have been the entire purpose of his relationship with you, instead of vice-versa.
How’s that for a sobering thought?
So to recap, he is either not interested in you and knows not how to end things, is horribly ashamed sexually, or isn’t interested in ANY women at all.
It’s finally time for an honest conversation between you two. I’m sure if you ask him if he’s actually gay you’d get his attention…whether he is or not.
Ultimately, though, you know what?
I’m not sure getting a resolution to what’s going on on his side will do anything more for you than assuage your curiosity.
What stands out most from your e-mail is that you didn’t say ONE NICE THING about this guy.
That tells me that you already feel you’re “settling” if you stay with him.
My best recommendation is to meet some other guys who inspire you a lot more than this one.
Have Fun, Emily
Your thoughts? Is he gay? Or is he just on planet him and she’s trying to make a silk purse out of pigs ear…
Emily McKay, along with her husband Scot, are dating coaches and founders of X & Y Communications. They met online and today help thousands of others find the love of their lives through their free newsletters and popular podcasts including X & Y On The Fly. Sign up for Emily’s newsletter and find out about her latest program entitled Click With Him.
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I say YES, probably gay. If he has several women – a player – he would NOT take any of these women to a party at Mom’s house. So, taking her to meet his parents is a front. Would be good to know his age and how many times a week/month they got together. Was he available on the weekends?
Maybe he can’t “perform” due to medical reasons? Maybe he is waiting for her to dump him so he wouldn’t have to do it. But then, after 8 months I don’t believe that either, he would just have disappeared. Even the biggest a**hole will not stick around for 8 months because he doesn’t want to make her cry.
I don’t think he would give an honest answer if asked if he is gay, he would just get mad or irritated.
This guy is a headache and I personally would not have the “talk” with him, it will leave you more heartbroken and rejected. Pull back, leave him alone, he is not worth it.
This is interesting because I have had fleeting thoughts that my ex-EUM might be gay….I don’t think he has ever had a “real” relationship with a woman–he says he has had “girlfriends” in the past, and has a “friend” that he has known for 10 years but they have never been serious. We have had one physical connection where we made out for a while but then he stopped it, and seemed uncomfortable, but I thought that was because he was an EUM….whether he is or not, there is definitely something holding him back from emotional connections with women (not just me). I agree with astelle, I think she should move on and find a man who is able to contribute more to a relationship.
I don’t know if he’s gay (sounds like a possibility) but beside the point even if he is. He doesn’t treat her well, and that ‘s a sign to get out. After we’d been dating 8 months, the BF not only had said that he loved me, but (I found out a few months later when he felt comfortable telling me) had almost proposed! It was very clear how much he liked me. I’m not sure this even deserves a talk with the intention of staying together–just tell him you’re not getting what you need and walk away.
Maureen, I don’t see this as a dating issue.
He is exhibiting addictive behavior. If he were reaching for a bottle instead of texting, you would drop the address of Alcoholics Anonymous on his butt and run for the door. Anything else is enabling his addictive behavior.
And that is what so many people are falling for today. Using the computer before bed sets a high-tech buzz going in the nervous system, one that will take hours to calm before restful sleep can start. Texting is little snippets of tech-buzz. I see parents texting or blue-toothing at restaurants or shopping, with kids running around, and wasting valuable face-time.
Your guy is texting. That is really the only significant thing in his life. Like any drunk or drug addict, his behavior adversely affects his relations with family and friends, his addiction controls his moods, his actions, his choices of how he spends his time.
Some people try to intervene in such a situation, hide the device or make him swear to a ‘down’ period of abstaining from texting (or whatever) for a period of time. Bad idea. Unless *he* addresses *his* addiction, you are not contributing to his health or your happiness.
The only difference I see between this guy and a drunk, is alcoholics cannot tell the truth. It doesn’t matter who in the world he texts or talks to – when it isn’t you, he is squandering time to bond, to nurture and get to know each other. He may not be missing half his personality, but you will never get access to the hidden part, until *he* hits bottom and decides to change.
At this point, the only thing you have any control of, is when you begin to heal. Because you have been involved in his addictive behavior. By sticking around, you have been enabling his addiction for 8 months. The time for you to face yourself is now – why do you want to waste your time with someone with such serious social and personal issues? And why do you keep letting him indulge his addiction in your company?
He is *not* all there for you. You have been having a (dysfunctional) relationship with a fantasy, not with him.
Consider making a statement that you aren’t interested in him any longer. Don’t bother trying to explain anything, and be clear that it is him you don’t have time for – not his addiction, not the texts, who he texts or why don’t matter for anything. He is distracted when you have reason to think you are together, and that kind of behavior is all that matters. It is a show of disrespect, is rude, and more than enough reason for you to spend your time with a good book, or favorite movie, as long as he isn’t there. And look at what NML has to say about her No Contact Rule to help guide you through the breaking off process, and begin healing.
Please please don’t hang around waiting for this man to decide to share himself with you. Like others have said, he may be gay, or have physical problems, OR just have an extremely low sex drive (testosterone related possibly). Point is the more you stay with someone like this the more affection and connection you will miss.
I’ve been married to someone exactly like this. He professes to love me and I think in his own way he does. I’ve been open about needing the ”contact” even if it isn’t sexual. Thus far, nada. We’ve been married 30 years, he’s a good man, just frozen. I’m 60 and desperately clinging to the possibility that he’ll change. All the while knowing he WON’T.
Don’t let that be you.
Ok Cheekie, no hatin’ here! I see what you are saying about this. Sometimes we over analyze situations and it would be a lot easier to just have a completely open, honest discussion with the person and hope that they will be honest with you about what is going on. I think it’s called….communication! What a novel concept! 🙂
Ok. I am going to go way out on a limb here. I am prepared for the hate.
Honestly, it’s been eight months, you have a right to enquire. Not freak out, but enquire as to his thoughts on how he sees HIS future, and discuss how you see YOURS. Then see if they match. If you like him enough then go from there.
Yes he might be gay. Yes he might be dating other women, sorry but for a lot of people eight months is a long time to go without sex, and the reason he may have stopped kissing you is to prevent getting excited and forcing the issue if he knew it wasn’t going anywhere. He obviously respects your decision. Which is a good thing. I don’t see it as a negative, you decided not to sleep with him yet, so it is in YOUR court on that point. (I am correct? It was your decision?)
Now, the texting, that’s just rude behaviour. You may be reading too much into it, but frankly it has to stop because it’s rude. I have friends who do this without thinking and it is annoying. Heck, I even do it too. Just ask him to stop at the dinner table etc etc. No harm in asking that.
However, I think the fact that he took you to a family gathering is a good thing. Really. Most guys don’t want to deal with the inevitable questions and bs from family after introducing a woman, so they avoid it. I know I do. At least until I think there is a possibility of it being long term.
You and he are the only ones that can figure this out, if you feel it’s worth it.
I think too that you are just annoyed with the situation in general so are now nit picking about the stutter etc. Get to the source of your issue and don’t create more.
Just my opinion,
let the hate mail commence! lol…
Best of luck!
I know! Communication is a two way street. Don’t EVER assume what someone else is thinking. It is a very dangerous game and we women will tend to think a million different things in the absence of clear, two way communication.
The one thing about the letter that confuses me, and makes me believe that perhaps a good calm, realistic talk is necessary and the writer might be jumping to conclusions is this part:
‘He is hardly affectionate and hardly hugs me or holds my hand. The other day we where cuddling at my apartmen’
If he is hardly affectionate, how is it you were cuddling?
Sounds to me too like the initial ‘crush’ phase might be calming down too.
Seriously, we are all assuming things that we don’t know.
We don’t know him, or her. We don’t know their situation.
And frankly, eight months is long enough to find out what is his long term plan, but I wouldn’t say you should have a firm commitment. Each situation is different.
No need to rush.
You have to decide TOGETHER what is best for BOTH of you.
That’s what a relationship is.
Right???
🙂
My first thoughts as I read this was that he is struggling with his sexual identity and/or he is still in the closet. Whatever the case, he is not meeting her needs. The longer she stays without having a conversation with him, the more her self esteem suffers.
My friend had the same problem, didnt have a sexual relationship with her man after 8 months…so she decided to confront him!
He didnt want to be closed to her, because he was a virgin and was very embarrassed by it…He was 30 years old…Now they are happily married and have two lovely daughters!
Alika, you bring up a BRILLIANT point. I get emails from guys all the time who are virgins at an advanced age and equally embarassed/horrified by it.
I just mentioned this one to Emily and she’s in total agreement. Definite possibility there.
Again, chalk one up against the stereotype of guys being “all about sex”.
But he’s still rude for texting other people when she’s around and not telling her about it. Nah…you know what, I still think he’s in the closet. [laughs]
Cheers,
Scot McKay
X & Y Communications
(Emily’s Main Squeeze)
Maureen, Start thinking…do you really want this guy? Stop wondering if he wants you…he may not have the character or the qualities of a nice guy that you would be compatible. You are the prize honey, not him…A guy who truly has your best interests at heart will let you know they care about you and where you stand in the relationship. We all like to fool ourselves into looking for clues and hoping that it is going somewhere. I would leave this guy and if he wakes up one day and realizes he wants you, then he would have to prove himself. There are plenty of good guys out there, we just need to believe we deserve one.
My first thought on reading this, honestly was.. maybe he’s gay!
I speak from experience. One of my EUM “boyfriends” was gay, and I also went on to marry a gay man.
This sounds all too familiar to me.
Perhaps he thought to bring you to meet the family to prove “straightness”
8 months and he says he can’t be himself around you? He doesn’t sound like the most exciting guy in the world so I hardly think he’s such an edgy individual that you’re stifling his creativity.If he doesn’t get turned on when kissing you after 8 months – I don’t care if he is a virgin or not- there’s no there there! It sounds like a total dead-end – and what do you see in this guy anyway? I think if he was gay, he’d be a lot more fun than this!
I was in a realationship with a guy I felt the immediate “click” with. My first mistake was that I took a 7 day road trip with him for his “work” I was in another state and he totally denied me love and affection, my first thought was to fly home, but I stuck out the trip, we learned more about eachother.(.of course I spent the whole night crying in the lobby) I broke up, we tried again, I confronted him on possibly being gay, we had no sex, or the sex we had was blah on the three occasions it worked.
Another thought here is that along with abondonment issues, possible early childhood sexual abuse, a lot of drinking and the fear of erictile dysfunction…So I gave him a year and a half.
At 58, you’d think he would have dealt with all of that, at least started to..I am 45 and this has been the best and last of the lessons for me to learn.
It was of all of the unavailable men that have come and gone through my life the hardest case scenario..
I started drinking too much with him, gave up my sexual needs all together and put up with this crap..along with all of his “harem” platonic fall back girls that I was supposed to befriend.
I have cut contact, quit drinking and am so clear now..I cannot believe I tolerated this selfish controlling realationship..the lack of sex and denial of physical love is control in itself. He was not a bad guy, just not available, not in any sense of the word.good luck to you and all others in this situation.
Good luck to you,