Tags: shame

railway crossing signalI have a guest post from Emily of X & Y Communications which is an all too familiar scenario with Baggage Reclaim readers – trying to read a mans mind and interpret signals that are either mixed or non existent….

Maureen asks: My dilemma is that I have been dating this guy for close to eight months. I am almost ready to tell him that the only way I’ll continue going out with him is if things are going somewhere and if he is not seeing someone else because I don’t want to waste my precious time.

I don’t like that when we are having dinner or at the movies he keeps answering text messages to I don’t know who (this happens even when he is driving). He says he really wants to get to know me better but sometimes his actions tell me different.

When we are waiting for our dinner at a restaurant he transports himself somewhere else like if he is hypnotized (I feel ignored). He tends to get easily irritated and something that is starting to annoy me is that sometimes he stutters which makes it hard to communicate (but this is only sometimes, its kind of weird).

He is hardly affectionate and hardly hugs me or holds my hand. The other day we where cuddling at my apartment, I started to kiss him and he responded but when things were getting a little passionate he stopped kissing me, closed his eyes and nodded his head like saying “no”. I felt rejected and confused.

I am confused, I don’t really know what he wants. He gives me mixed signals, the other day he invited me to a family party at his parents’ house, there I met everyone in the family including grandma.

I believe he might have someone else. Someone that gives him what I don’t (I have not slept with him yet). It would be nice to know what the heck is going on his head. Sometimes he tells me he cannot be himself when he is with me (I try to be as cool as I can but still he thinks the same).


Hello Maureen and thanks for writing.

The story you shared is one that I’m sure a lot of women can relate to.

Simply put, he confuses you. The messages are mixed, and the forecast for the future is cloudy–at best.

A lot of times I get e-mails from women like you who wonder what their man is thinking, and want to “get inside his head” a bit to see what’s going on.

The bottom line is this: If you have NO IDEA what he’s thinking, then he probably ISN’T thinking “This woman is the love of my life and I want to be with her forever”.

It’s more likely that he’s thinking about an EXIT STRATEGY.

Think about it yourself.

After eight months, why shouldn’t you know whether or not the two of you have some sort of future together?

And after so much water under the bridge, shouldn’t you at least be able to spend time with him without having to second-guess what’s going on when he picks up his cell phone?

And surely…if a guy is ATTRACTED to you, wouldn’t he at least want to be affectionate towards you in some way?

But he’s not pulling the plug on his own, which could mean he is more willing to stay in a dead-end relationship than to “hurt your feelings”.

I know, I know…you’d just rather hear the truth if that’s the case instead of having to guess. Unfortunately, that doesn’t change the pandemic fear that some men have of making women cry. They think they’re being “nice”, but they’re only postponing the inevitable.

But in this specific case of yours, there are other possibilities at play that potentially complicate the matter. For example, based on his reaction to your attempt to escalate physical interaction with him, he may be very self-conscious about the concept of having sex…at all.

Some men are ashamed of themselves physically and this literally paralyzes them.

I realize this in not exactly in line with everything you’ve ever heard about men being ‘all about sex”, but it’s a very real phenomenon for a certain cross section of men.

But my guess, based on his detachment from you elsewhere, is that this is not really what’s going on.

There is actually one other distinct possibility that may sound preposterous but must not be discounted.

I hope you are sitting down for this.

He may not be into you…or ANY OTHER WOMAN, for that matter.

That’s right: Perhaps your man is gay and has not come out of the closet yet.

Seriously, many times gay men want to give the appearance of “straightness” and therefore date women. I have heard of real examples of this from many readers and even seen this sort of thing happen in relationships people close to me have had.

The result is invariably heartbreak for women who find themselves in this position…and it can be humiliating on top of all else. His lack of desire for physical affection despite the eight-month relationship, the secrecy of his other interactions, and the subtle indication that “he cannot be himself with you” all point to the possibility that this may be exactly what’s going on in your case.

The fact that he made it a point to a family party with all of his relatives there at once only serves to validate my instincts here.

In many ways, the appearance at that party could have been the entire purpose of his relationship with you, instead of vice-versa.

How’s that for a sobering thought?

So to recap, he is either not interested in you and knows not how to end things, is horribly ashamed sexually, or isn’t interested in ANY women at all.

It’s finally time for an honest conversation between you two. I’m sure if you ask him if he’s actually gay you’d get his attention…whether he is or not.

Ultimately, though, you know what?

I’m not sure getting a resolution to what’s going on on his side will do anything more for you than assuage your curiosity.

What stands out most from your e-mail is that you didn’t say ONE NICE THING about this guy.

That tells me that you already feel you’re “settling” if you stay with him.

My best recommendation is to meet some other guys who inspire you a lot more than this one.

Have Fun, Emily

Your thoughts? Is he gay? Or is he just on planet him and she’s trying to make a silk purse out of pigs ear…

Emily McKay, along with her husband Scot, are dating coaches and founders of X & Y Communications. They met online and today help thousands of others find the love of their lives through their free newsletters and popular podcasts including X & Y On The Fly. Sign up for Emily’s newsletter and find out about her latest program entitled Click With Him.

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