If you plan to watch Sex and The City: The Movie, I suggest you don’t read this post because the ending is discussed!
A couple of weeks ago, I went to finally see the movie version of what I regard as one of my favourite programmes of all time. I’m not a woman who believed that I was one of the characters but I did identify with aspects of each of these women. When Carrie got her great big fairy tale ending at the registry office with Big at the end though, there is no other way to describe this, but I was fuming and extremely disappointed!
Now I’m not the responsibility police and these women are hardly role models, however the Sex and The City movie would have been a far more empowering story for women if Carrie had told that emotionally unavailable, flip flapping, good for nothing, Mr Big to go take a run and jump. In fact, I would have applauded if she had gone to the apartment, hurled herself into his arms, shagged him, and then bade him goodbye and walked out of the penthouse with her head held high, leaving him dazed and confused!
My friends were overjoyed with the ending but I noticed a sea change when we caught up a couple of days ago because now that the glow had worn off, they felt the same irritation too!
The biggest problem that I have with the Sex and The City movie is that it sends a message to millions of women who have been pissed around by Mr Unavailables the world over, that there is a happy ending with these assclowns! This is completely misleading! It’s the fairy tale not the reality. Why do books and movies continue to believe that all women want to do is aspire to having it all and the fairy tale?
I have had several emails from readers asking whether the same thing could happen with their Mr Unavailable. Oh. Sweet. Jesus!
Let’s take a step back. For a start, Big entered the show as emotionally unavailable, continued to be emotionally unavailable, and ended emotionally unavailable. On the surface it appeared that he had changed, but in fact, he let her in as much as he was capable of letting her in.
Now under some circumstances, I would say that it could be a matter of working with what you’ve got but there are two things that change this idea of accepting exactly what you’re given and sticking to him like glue:
1) Exactly how much frickin’ humiliation does one woman have to go through before she accepts that the guy is an assclown and let’s go, irrespective of what her heart or libido say?
2) There is such a thing as managing your expectations and keeping them realistic, but should we have to change ourselves and minimise our desires to keep the species with a penis happy?
Now I admit, the fatal mistake Carrie made with Big (other than being with him) is that she allowed the wedding to become bigger than him. By the time his balls started shriveling back up inside him at the thought of getting married, the numbers had rocketed from somewhere around 75 to over two hundred! For a man who hid her from his mother in the first series and had kept their lives pretty separate and distinct throughout the six years of the show, this is quite a leap!
You all know that Mr Unavailables can barely even commit to what they will eat the following day, nevermind agreeing to declare their feelings for you in front of all and sundry!
But regardless of the fact that Carrie didn’t sit there and think ‘Hmmm…Big has been married twice before, has disappointed me more times than the number of shoes in my closet, has pissed off to Paris in the past and ended up marrying someone else, has screwed me behind his wife’s back, has been more content in the past to chase me for phone sex than be in a bonafide relationship, who only finally realised he wanted me after I moved away to Paris to be with someone else, and who seems to communicate in weird half sentence speak about moving in together and didn’t actually propose to me. Hmmm…”, none of this excuses the fact that Big let his ego, his world, his fears, his everything as usual, get bigger than what he had with Carrie.
As usual, Mr Unavailable is the centre of the universe. “This is my third marriage. How do you think that [inviting 200+ people and big wedding] makes me look?”
Big forgot he wasn’t the only one getting married and it may be his third marriage…but it was Carrie’s first…
And when Carrie got mad at Miranda for making the crass marriage comment after her bust up with her estranged husband Steve, whilst I think it was a tactless comment, it certainly was not the reason why Big had panicked – It was the excuse he’d been looking for.
A wedding lasts for a few hours, a day, whatever. A marriage if you want it and the person, and plus you’re committed to having and living the best marriage possible, can last a lifetime.
At the end of the day, you cannot have it all and if you want to focus your life’s efforts on nabbing your Mr Unavailable, then you need to prepare to dig in for the long haul, to suffer a hell of a lot of pain and possibly humiliation, and you will need to tone yourself down in order to make it work.
You’ll need to focus on the finishing line that you (might) reach rather than the killer route you took, and remember that often when we nab these men, it often ends up being one big anti climax. And don’t be surprised if whilst you’re focused on the finishing line, he chooses someone else.
If you’re prepared not to expect, then this could work for you, but that’s quite a risk and as women, we like to expect the reasonable stuff, and can often set our sights a bit (or even a lot) higher. So you’d tell yourself that you’d go with the flow and then because he’s still there after a year or has been spending time at your place a lot, you’ll get it into your head that you should move in together.
Habitual Mr Unavailables don’t change – “ they morph to suit their agenda. When they’re still living the bachelor life and they’re pushing 50, it suddenly occurs to them that they might not still have the ‘magic’ and that they should get a ‘girl’ to settle down with, after all, their egos can’t cope without a constant stroking. They fear committing to letting you go and they fear committing to the relationship in it’s entirety and like to focus on isolated chunks.
The biggest tests of Mr Unavailables is:
Do they continue to blow consistently hot when you’re with them, or do they only blow hot when they believe they’re in danger of losing you?
And does the relationship only work well when it’s on their terms?
Quite frankly, if more women dealt with their beliefs about themselves, love, and relationships, Mr Unavailables would stop being attractive to them because they would detract more from their more positively evolved life than they would add to it.
Carrie should have grown some balls but in the end, she chose love over logic. What we don’t realise is that when we have a positive relationship with ourselves and healthy beliefs about men, love, and relationships, logic actually comes in line with love.