In February, the plan was for me to visit him in Colorado (I live in Pennsylvania—in place of love, he pays my rent to live across the country) for a reinvigorating Valentines Day. Instead he showed up unannounced saying that he “couldn’t do it anymore”. At that moment I felt liberated, believing it’s the best that could have happened and asked him to leave. Months on and I’m helping him open up a new business venture (yes I know this was probably a mistake but I still love him and want him to succeed so I went to help) and right as I finish a little monologue with him over dinner that I thought we were in a really healthy “friends” place, he proposes. I couldn’t believe it. You’d think I would continue our terrible push/pull cycle and jump at this offer, this was the big deal I’d been waiting for all these years—I’d won!—but my guts twisted up and wouldn’t let me. Now we’re in the cycle in reverse, I’m trying with all my might to stave off my addiction to going back to him, only he’s waggled a shiny thing at me. My guts have hit the wall. They say no. Please tell me what to do.
********************
Kay, this is one of those situations where as bad as what someone else is doing to you is, you have to acknowledge that what you’re doing to yourself is far worse. You’ve held you hostage to this situation for seven years and it’s suited you to do so. No, you don’t want to be mistreated but on a deeper level, the way that you feel about you has meant that this codependent dynamic has been validating your beliefs about you, love and relationships. This situation feels like home to you otherwise you would have told this guy to beat it ages ago and to stick his rent where the sun doesn’t shine. What do you want–a daddy or a loving partner?
Now I get that you’ve done some serious time in this relationship and that you might be worried about letting it all go up in smoke but I would be more worried about selling you down the river and still doing this rather painful dance in another seven years time. You are better than this. You do not have to suffer for love. It’s not your job to be a doormat—compassionately investigate where you learned that you are only valuable if you feel purposeful and needed, even if it’s by someone who is taking advantage of your good qualities, which you are misusing.
Do you know what people pleasing is about? Showing others how they ‘should’ behave.
You hoped that your devotion would activate his conscience and that the guilt would cause him to finally step up.
It’s believing that because you have suffered and stood by him through thin and thin, that you have now earned the right to his love.
He announced in February that he “couldn’t do it anymore”. If he was feeling that much strain about not doing much at all and it’s now seven years in, it was time for him to go. You then had a brief period of feeling liberated, only for you to then proceed to help him start a new business venture because you say that you love him and want to see him succeed, but is this true? You can love someone and want to see them succeed by being supportive but because of your need to feel needed, it’s as if you don’t think that he could do this without you but also that you wouldn’t wanthim to do it without you as you would feel redundant. It’s like, “Yay! I’m free! Wait! Feck! I’m free!”, and next thing you’re trying to get back in with your ‘captor’.
From there, you give this ‘friends’ speech, only for him to propose. You have summit fever–you’ve been so focused on the goal of ‘getting’ him forever that you’ve ignored signs that you need to abort mission and your over-commitment to that goal has hurt and cost you a great deal. The proposal is an anticlimax and it most definitely isn’t a “win”.
What you have to acknowledge is that this is all games. Heaven forbid that you would no longer be there for supply, so now he’s played his trump card and proposed, not because he’s going to marry you but because he feels out of control or wants to prove that he’s still in control. He needed to know that even though he isn’t going to change, that you’re still the same. The day he can’t reach you or you won’t dash to do his bidding, is the day that the carefully constructed framework of illusions will collapse. You are his security blanket that let’s him feel more OK with his flip-flapping and the truth is, if you weren’t on some level afraid of taking responsibility for your own life and making decisions to help you take the right next steps for you, you would stop giving him permission to waste your time.
Self-respect is the self-discipline to have one’s own back even when it means experiencing discomfort. It’s being boundaried for you so that you can be boundaried within your relationships. If you will do all of this for the seven-year flip-flapper, there’s no reason for anything to change and he is in the wrong but your side of the street is that you have busted your boundaries to accommodate him.
Until you understand what the baggage is behind this situation, you will keep seeing the problem in the same way. Who and what does this guy represent? Your father? Mother? Someone else? What are you getting out of being the equivalent of a teenager who’s palmed off with material goods as a substitute for parenting and showing up emotionally? It’s like, “Fine, daddy! I’ll spend your money to spite you!”. This is keeping you small. When you acknowledge what has happened in your past that would make this situation viable and even normal for you, you’ll see that this isn’t love. The job of this relationship might be to wake you up to the need to love and take care of you and stop blaming someone else’s earlier actions in your life on you not being good enough.
Your gut is screaming no and with good reason. This man has not earned the trust to be able to propose marriage. Being engaged to never mind married to someone you cannot rely on, is a bad bet. Don’t allow your pleaser to oblige you into this marriage proposal out of fear of making him feel bad. You don’t owe him a yes and you are not responsible for his feelings and behaviour; you’re responsible for yours. You would be signing up for a new round of cat and mouse. If a relationship is coming at the expense of you being able to listen to yourself, he’s got to go. It’s time to start literally and figuratively paying your own rent and to evict him from your life.
Have you ever been in situation where you’ve wanted something so badly only for it to be a total anticlimax and the sudden realisation that it wasn’t what you truly wanted or needed?
Each Wednesday, I help a reader to solve a dilemma. To submit a question, please email advicewednesdayAT baggagereclaim.com. If you would prefer your question to be featured on the podcast, drop a line to podcast AT baggagereclaim.com. Keep questions below 200 words.
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I don’t think the guy is the only one flip-flapping around in this relationship. When we say this stuff, it’s like ‘they’ have all the power and ‘we’ just react. I think that, in the dance of the codependent, we are creating the situation as much as we are reacting to it – but we want to be the victim, and not take responsibility for our side of it. He’s probably just as confused by all the carry-on from Kay’s side (which may not even be acknowledged by Kay, let alone stated out loud). I know this dance only too well, and once I was truly honest with myself about my motives, and finally confronted my father with ‘his’ motives, I stopped being attracted to guys who resembled my father. I stopped trying to gain the love of narcissistic men who just weren’t capable of healthy relating. I took responsibility for my own side of the street, and I think Kay needs to do the same.
Kay, it sounds like you’re both playing the same sort of game, only you can’t see it in yourself, so you’re projecting it onto him. You say, “in place of love, he pays my rent” but then you say that months later, after he broke up with you, you fly over there to help him with a business venture, “I still love him and want him to succeed so I went to help.” For you, ‘helping’ is loving. For him, ‘helping’ is loving. Once you can see your own behaviour in the other person’s as projections (stuff you don’t want to own), you have the opportunity to grow.
It takes two to tango, and I think we women need to stop blaming the guy all the time (and vice versa), calling them names in order to make ourselves seem like an innocent bystander. We, too, need to step up and take full responsibility for our own behaviour, our own part in the dance, and then work to change *ourselves*, not the other person. Oh! the freedom that honesty brings… Are you ready for that kind of power?
Fantastic comment….. so very true. There is always a pay off for staying in a dysfunctional relationship. To look at ourselves and be really honest about our true motivations is the hardest, most painful thing, But it is utterly essential to healing.
Yes, you can’t move forward until you face it and deal with it.
I’m also wondering if maybe him paying her rent isn’t so much loving help as maybe it’s covert control. And visa versa. Yes, now that Kay feels like she has some control, since he proposed and she can accept or deny, she’s feeling the cold feet. It’s a bad dynamic and I think she knows it.
I don’t want to sound harsh, but, wow, this isn’t good, dysfunctional on a good day. It hurts me to read your story.
Leave this guy, permanently, that’s the only way you will gain perspective and objectivity.
Kay, you are so much better than this.
« Have you ever been in situation where you’ve wanted something so badly only for it to be a total anticlimax and the sudden realisation that it wasn’t what you truly wanted or needed? » Yep! And I realized it 2 weeks before my own wedding. We would have been terrible couple as parents for our future children. I clearly « saw » it. It would be bad not only for children, but for me as well. So I opened my eyes and made the hardest decision of my life : leave him. We were back on and off many years after that, but it ended last february since he took some « revenge fuck » on me, at the very end, 3.5 years after I cancelled the wedding.
“We were back on and off many years after that, but it ended last february since he took some « revenge fuck » on me,”
Sorry but curious as to what you mean by « revenge fuck »
I married and am now divorced from my long-term flip-flapper, who ended up having an affair, (among others before the marriage.) I knew when he proposed, it was a mistake to say yes, but I did it, well, because we were already pregnant, and well, I didn’t want to hurt his feelings even though deep down, my gut told me it was not a good move for me. I became a role-filler in the marriage and relationship effort went out the window once the baby came. He criticized and micromanaged my every move until I could no longer make a simple mundane decision without his validation. Guess he got bored with always being in control, so he needed a side project to manipulate to feed his ego.
Listen to your gut, Kay! If you know you have a codependent attachment with an unreliable guy, and you know this is unhealthy, then you also know he won’t be different in the marriage just because you have the title. I was with mine for 7 yrs, we married 4 years into it, after a break 2 yrs into it (he fell for another girl, it lasted 3 months, and we had a baby to quicken the relationship again,) married for 3, tack on an extra 2 for still being married but separated while he held onto his affair partner and tried to reconcile with me at the same time.
My biggest regret? Putting up with that for so long until things got so bad, I had no choice but to cut it off. Not paying attention to code amber patterns, and red flags. Not seeing the little white lies and manipulative, controlling behavior for what it was. Very covert, and well hidden since he prides himself on being “a nice guy.” Having to now co-parent a child with a responsibility dodger. Very frustrating.
My biggest fear? That our son will follow his pattern, like he has followed his mother’s pattern. I am only now, seeing the manipulative, blame game tactics that his mother tries to use on me. And that’s my point, if Kay has been with this guy long enough, which she has, she is starting to see that he has a pattern, which is why her logical side is telling her no. Look at his parents, look at your parents. Looking back, I never felt like I could be myself at his family events. Things felt superficial and I’d have anxiety attacks hanging out with them. I didn’t listen to my body. I was so young and put him on a pedestal because he was an older guy w his shit together and a rich family.
My ex is now engaged to his affair partner from our marriage. He ended it with her last year, after 2 yrs with her, to get back with me. That was the problem, he needed another rebound/fallback and both I and the mistress taught him that we were ok with the back and forth treatment. No more for me. I made the mistake of involving myself in a rebound after the husband and I split, and I’ve been single for a year and a half (feels good!) And am well over that relationship and learned a great deal, (hurray for No Contact!)
I don’t believe my ex is a new man with his relationship after me. She is more tolerant of his treatment, as she began a mistress. I expect him to start flaking in a couple years but O wish them the best so that I can move on entirely (difficult when you still have minimties,) and it helps knowing that I have so much better in store for me while working to cut toxic attachments and nurturing the good relationships I already do have. Make a good decision for yourself Kay!Follow your gut! They don’t really need us and that’s more than ok, because what they really need is control. They’ll be OK on their own, because they’ll always find another and it’s better you’re not responsible for them anymore. I used to be madly in love, and now I’m completely repulsed . It happens naturally when you start nurturing your needs and wants. Shit, start your own business. Think of your own desires and the other support that loves and cares about you genuinely and not for what they can get from you. Take care of business girl, you got a life to live!
exactly. It’s not about them, it’s about YOU and the life you choose to live. took me a long time to get there, but hell if I ever go back to living like that.
“Role-Filler” – good term, Em. I am here to say watch out for that, very easy to fall into, it is proverbial catnip to the people-pleaser. I had a *Twilight Zone* moment with my 83 year-old BPD father and his 76 year-old girlfriend. His hot/cold behavior keeps those who deal with him on eggshells, and in one of those “tip-toe around him” moments I saw myself being the appeasing mediator between him and his girlfriend, and I flashbacked to similar moments between him and my mother (Mom divorced him). I suddenly saw my learned behavior pattern. So clear! I was trying to turn it into the Ozzie and Harriet dream. I was doing it reflexively…I have no interest in his girlfriend or whether things pan out between them….yet I was trying to steer them to a peaceful coexistence. Learned behavior.
I could relate to everything in your post, Em. I am accustomed to my moves and thoughts being criticized and micromanaged.
We tend to monitor ourselves to keep the peace, aka make-the-other-person-comfortable/happy, but we NEED to monitor ourselves with the goal of STOP keeping the peace. The minute you start appeasing, when you think of saying yes when your gut is saying “No or Maybe”, that is when you should say “No or Maybe”.
I had a “what I learned this week” moment, about being overly appeasing, regarding my home cable TV. I said “yes” to something even though my gut was saying NO, and I did it simply to make things easy for the customer service rep…he seemed so nice, but the next day, I realized he was screwing me and having a bit of a laugh doing it. I got so mad at myself for not doing what was best for me…but I calmed myself down, realizing I had options to correct things. I saw it as a small way to learn a big life lesson, which is to PUT MYSELF FIRST. That lesson will come in handy as I go about getting what I want from my own ideas. PUT MYSELF FIRST is so foreign to me, but as I look around, I suddenly realize wanting to go after what is better for me is a good thing, and I’ve been fighting against it because the lesson I learned from my parents was to put myself last. There is no reason why something can’t be good for me and good for others to. It is not either/or all the time. But in those occasions where it is either/or, I have to be strong enough to PUT MYSELF FIRST.
I was nodding my head along with your entire post, Elgie R! I was shocked at the similarities in the recent lessons. I recently recognized my peacemaking efforts (role) with a married couple I was getting to know. I found myself feeling compelled to come to each of their “peacemaking emotional rescue” when they were in the middle of a passive aggressive fight while we were all hanging out. And to my horror, I realized that they both started subtly targeting me instead of each other! I was bizarre and very illuminating! Like you, I was very aware of how one of my patterns was formed. So grateful for that lesson.
I won’t get into the story about my epiphany about my habit of putting myself last and also misplaced loyalty (I believe they are interconnected), but it was glaring and welcome.
I’ve started approaching everything with the thought, is this what I want? Is it MY best interest?
Also, in low trust situations where it’s a zero sum game, it’s in my best interest to go for the win (and it’s okay to win).
*It* was bizarre and very illuminating!
Funny typo though!
“I used to be madly in love, and now I’m completely repulsed”
Ha ha, I’m familiar with this switch! Feels great 😀
I’m completely new to this page and have only just started the podcast but THANK YOU to Kay and Healing for sharing your stories. I feel like I can relate so much. I’ve been with a guy for a year and my situation sounds like yours. He’s cheated, never admitted to it but there’s been enough proof to corroborate. I’ve gone as far as to contact her directly and drive by her house one night (!) where I saw his car outside. The entire situation has turned me into someone I don’t recognize anymore, I feel like a crazy person. The woman he goes back to takes him back no matter what, and after a lot of pursuit so do I. He goes through this whole, “I promise to work on myself for a better us” stage, but after a few weeks, it goes back to the same. While logically I can sit here and outline all of it and how this is so unhealthy, the minute he comes around and talks to me again and begs and cries and gives his explanations to “prove” he didn’t cheat, there I go again letting him back in. The last time I was able to last two weeks with NC and then he showed up with an engagement ring. I declined it, but it was enough for me to start talking to him again. I am still not out of the cycle and barely trying to find different resources to help pull me out of this dark hole. I really appreciate having this as a network because I feel like I’m not alone.
Glad you’re here, Claudia! You’re not alone. He’s gaslighting you. If you’re not familiar with it, there’s a great book on it called The Gaslight Effect by Robin Stern. Gaslighting IS crazymaking and only gets worse if you let him get away with it. You know the reality, he’s cheating. He’ll just continue with this pattern until you put a stop to it. I know it can be hard to do NC when they pull the pleading, begging act, but it is an ACT. He’s playing on your empathy and guilt. Protect yourself from him, you can’t count on him to have empathy for you, he’s proven to you that he doesn’t have it. It’s all about him. Have your own back and go solid NC. You’ve got this! Good luck!
There is a name for the flip-flapping, cycling, and this surprise proposal: It’s called “Hoovering.” (http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/hoover-maneuver-the-dirty-secret-of-emotional-abuse-0219154)
This is not a proposal, this is a “let me regain control” hoover manveuver. Nope, nein, niet, no.
Yes! And it can be so hard for a pleaser to spot because we want so much for the fantasy that they’ve “seen the light and now they’ll treat us as an equal with kindness and respect” to be true! Nope, just another ploy to get back in the driver’s seat and to “win”. Facing reality is far less painful in the long run.
Hoojay, that was really helpful to read. My ex-monster tried it with me about a month ago after half a year of NC (they don’t like to take the hint, do they?)
I know it’s uncharitable but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t quite enjoy ignoring him.
Sorry…I meant Hojay *facepalm*
Oh yes, NC is their cryptonite. I mean, come back once and we’re willing to think they’ve seen the light, as you say Healing, but once that cycle is over, it’s a sick dynamic at best. NC is their worst nightmare, we’re outside of their control.
I’m currently upholding NC with a recurring nightmare of an ex who has been Hoovering me for 2.5 years, and is now still trying despite the fact that I’ve told him I am no longer interested AND I have a boyfriend. They don’t hear that, they can’t, they’re sick.
Hoovering is such a damaging form of emotional abuse. It takes a minute until you can tell that’s what’s happening and when you know, you feel like an idiot. Only you’re not. You’re just faced with a pathology too weird to fathom.
Good Lord. Do not marry him. Eject eject, eject. Pay your own rent, move on, find yourself
Kay, he doesn’t sound like he loves you so you should gather all your courage and strength and keep moving forward! People who love you don’t waffle and they don’t break up with you. When a man loves you, he will do whatever he needs to to make it work.
It is hard when you realize these things about someone you thought you “loved”. That they are (a) not who you thought they were and/or (b) not in love with you. But you must accept it and the earlier you do so the better. Save yourself time and heartache, confusion and pain. The writing is on the wall, so get out and stay out.
The next thing for you to focus on his healing from this, working on yourself and creating the best life imaginable that you can from here. Focus your energy forward on your life without him. What would that look like? How can you make your life even better than it would’ve been with him? Focus your attention on healing and building your own life and get yourself into a positive mind-frame without him anywhere in the picture. Then, when you’re ready and if it’s what you want, you will find a better love than this. This is garbage.. and I say this from experience, as many of us have had here, with similar men and similar stories. Good luck!
I am constantly amazed at the incredible comments I read on this blog. I don’t know what I can say to add to these fantastic thoughts and suggestions, but I will re-read this blog post many times over. Thank you everyone, we are all awesome – aren’t we?
i used to really romanticise long-lasting dysfunctional relationships. i never witnessed a single functional, healthy relationship in real life .pretty much ALL my models of how relationships go where the probably deeply unhappy but pretending people , or couples held up by society as history’s great loves. it just seemed that deciding to be in a long term relationship with someone that was real love meant accepting a whole lot of suffering. and to have known “real” love and suffered was the epitome of human emotional experience and definitely superior to have never “loved”. i call bullshit on that whole mentality, now. and i think Nat used the right term this lady has “served serious time in this relationship.” all those “great loves” that are rife with emotional abuse, cheating and on/off affections , unrealiability, highs and deep lows, sound like prison to me now, i would rather be alone!
I relate to this, I remember a moment when I realised that most of the relationships extolled as great loves in books were hideous, full of passion and chemistry but containing almost nothing by way of respect and support. It was a funny moment; realising that a lot of what was presented as “love” consisted of things I wouldn’t want at all…
Eli
Right?! A large part of my own emotional unavailability and warped views on love came from being surrounded by parents , relatives , society figures and now friends in adulthood insisting they were in love and yet what i was observing looked like total wreckage. i decided early in life that whatever love was it wasn’t for me. just now starting to learn that the real love i did want deep down did exist and all those people settled for a disappointment cycle and definitely not anything close to love. still haven’t really met any real love couple in my actual life but at least now i believe they exist.
Kay – I’ve been off and on with an ex-lover over the past 6 months who, after 10 years of NC showed up at my door, stating his marriage is heading for divorce. While I deeply regret inviting him in, there is one important thing I learned from all of this – IT’S NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO SAVE SOMEONE FROM THE HARD KNOCKS OF LIFE. In my case – it wasn’t my problem that his marriage was sexless and that they hate each other. That was HIS problem. He chose her over me 10 years ago and married her, and now that he’s having problems, he wants to be saved. Where was he when I was crying in my beer after finding out he got married but still was having sex with me? Where was he when I was so depressed I couldn’t get out of bed?
In your case, he has to be responsible for his own actions. He can’t do this anymore? Great – thanks for letting me know and don’t let the door hit you where God split you. Yes, there will be pain for you and I suspect that this is where you’ve landed yourself in trouble – getting through the pain and torture of being without him. I quit smoking 4 years ago, and you know how I did it? Every day I told myself that the next day would be better. One day at a time – just like an alcoholic. Three months ago I took a puff of someone’s cigarette and almost yacked. You can only hope for the same reaction to this guy….
You can do this!
IT’S NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO SAVE SOMEONE FROM THE HARD KNOCKS OF LIFE.
It’s so true. It me the longest time to get that message. Put yourself first and stop trying to save people, or prove to people (or yourself) how good, loving and patient (fill in yours) you are.
Three months ago I took a puff of someone’s cigarette and almost yacked. You can only hope for the same reaction to this guy….
I cracked up at this! It’s a beautiful thing when ya get there!
There are some fabulous comments on this article. So many women are wising up and putting themselves and their physical and emotional health FIRST, as they should. And leaving assclowns and EUM in the dust, as they should. What a lot of women, not all, but a lot, and especially younger women might not realize, is that, even if you find a wonderful mature loving respectful man, and get married, marriage is NOT all gain for a woman. You give up a LOT of privacy, space, etc., and now you have his family to deal with. Not being negative, but some women just focus on GETTING MARRIED above all else in life, as society and the media drumbeats this into them night and day. But both parties give up a lot. Make SURE you are with someone worth it. And if not, no shame in being single and WAITING for someone worth it.
Thanks to you all for your wisdom.
Hi everyone ~ it’s Kay here, I thought I’d post a quick update and also thank you all for your supportive comments. It’s been a month (seems so much longer) since Natalie posted my initial letter on Advice Wednesdays and unfortunately I’ve pretty much failed you all..he and I have been in contact the whole time. It’s a long story and I’ll try to make it short, especially because it’s the same old story you hear in this situation over and over again. Since he proposed in April, he has been the ideal man. He has shown me that he can change and I really think he has. But something inside me still refuses to budge and now (just today, that’s why I’m writing this update) I think he is finally giving up and of course I feel like I’ve made a terrible mistake. Big shocker there, right? Before I continue I want to address something quickly which is that something has clicked into place for me, maybe I was never willing to analyze it or recognize it before one of you mentioned it in the comments originally: I never had a problem admitting that my dysfunctional relationship was half my fault. It takes two to tango. But I needed to identify the root cause of my half of it and it’s so obviously clear now. I sat up at night for the bulk of my childhood listening terrified in the dark to mom and dad screaming at each other at all hours. And my dad, he was so unhappy at that time (I can look back on it objectively now because I am currently just about the same age he was when he was married to my mom and trying to raise us and I know he was just a messed up person like me, doing his best) and we all walked on eggshells around him for many years, fearing that the smallest infraction like losing the remote control or letting the dog out would set him off on a terrible fit of anger. So that explains a lot. I grew up to be a woman who does her best to keep the peace and to please a man by not rocking the boat and keeping quiet. And now thirty years later I think that I’m the dysfunctional one here, carrying the baggage of my parents unhappy marriage around with me and using it as a shield against intimacy. Some people dont need therapy to change. As you can tell from this letter, I overanalyze everything to grim death. My long term BF makes decisions in the drop of a hat and doesn’t dwell on old stuff. So what if he’s turned out to be the healthy one? What if my long term bf’s apparent changes, the ones I’ve refused to accept and believe in over the past few months, have been genuine and I’m the one living in the past, blaming my parents for stuff that happened thirty years ago and damaged and unable to move past it. And that I’ve missed my love of my life, he changed for me and I rejected him one too many times. I hope you’ll all call nonsense on this and sometimes I can even rationalize to myself that it’s not the case and he probably hasn’t really changed. But it’s so hard right now. I miss him terribly. So while that’s all still going on, in my own defense I have also managed to make some progress on a few things you may all be proud of. I am moving out of the lovely apartment he paid for into a shabby, cheap building that I will be paying for. I have resumed my singing career and have two gigs this week. But I am not working otherwise as my main employer doesn’t need me and I’m worried about finances and feel so sad inside, I don’t even want to sing. Also, there is a good man interested in spending time with me but I am finding myself not wanting to spend time with him. I didn’t mention this in my first letter, but I met him shortly after my long term bf dumped me last Valentines day and he has been pursuing me from the sidelines ever since, both in spite of and fully aware of the on again off again mess I was engaging in with my long term BF. Looking at it honestly, he came into my life at a very pivotal moment and I think he was a very good influence on me and part of the reason that I finally admitted to myself that I was in a negative relationship with my long term bf. He was kind to me from the very first time we met and was a huge breath of fresh air in my life. But I also feel foolish because now I’m beating myself up and thinking that I rejected my newly changed long term bf because I was idealizing this new man already, a man I barely know (and this new guy is considerably younger than I, age difference is more than ten years, so maybe he’s just too young to know better). And with all that going on it’s such a convoluted mess and the last thing I want to do is pull him victim into this vortex of my crappy emotional life so I am pushing him away right now too. So now, I’m isolating and sad and watching way too much TV and have to move this week and have to scramble to catch up on my finances and I have a ton of work to do, both physically and emotionally, to get over this thing with my ex but I don’t really want to because I miss him. With no end in sight. So tell me please, is this progress?? Any thoughts are welcome. Thanks again ~ Kay
Kay, This may be harsh, but you’re unavailable and you’re now with two unavailable men at the same time. You are being codependent, or perhaps should I say DEPENDENT. Even though you’ve moved out, you’re not happy with taking care of yourself and you like the Daddy daughter dynamic, because it’s what you’re used to. Your ex (though not so ex) doesn’t want you when you want him. You don’t want him when he wants you. If you marry him, you know you will continue the same… And without healing from this one, you’re looking for another man to take his place.
At the end of it, people on the internet can tell you whatever, but it’s your life and it’s up to you. You know you’re making a mistake with both; that you should take the time to go solo, become independent and strong (and that takes going through the harshness of the grieving process) and have some pride in yourself… but you don’t want to do it.
It’s your life. It’s up to you… but I hope you don’t look back on these posts in ten years and think why did I not run for my life at this point? I hope your ex stays perfect and remains so ‘because it’s all your fault your parents effed you up,’ and you’ve stopped your righteous anger with him.
We all have one life to live. Nat has answered an advice Wednesday for me recently too and she was spot on. I’ve been in pain for months but finally feeling I’m stepping into the light this week. Now that I’ve had distance from my EUM (a few texts here and there I admit but the more contact I had with him once I gained self worth and went on the low BS diet, the more I hated him), I can see what an utter twat he is…. even though he had me convinced that he was ‘great husband material.’ He could be… if he wasn’t such a prick, but he likes being a prick, he is a prick and he won’t change for me, so whatevs dude, be someone else’s prick instead.