Normalising what may be really poor behaviour and dynamics only really equips you for abusive and dysfunctional relationships. It trains you to be a pleaser devoted to trying to influence people’s feelings and behaviour while also trying to minimise conflict, criticism, disappointment, rejection, and abandonment. It trains you to stay when you should run, and to run even when there’s an imagined threat.
One teen summer while camping in Brittas Bay (I was raised in Dublin, Ireland), I witnessed a woman being beaten by her husband. Even though my friend and I were scared, we stayed until he took his hands off her and backed off. I know a lot of women who ‘walked into doors’.
I was a kid who walked into doors. I went to school with bruises and was terrified to go home around report time, begging and pleading with teachers to amend a grade that I thought would result in severe punishment. I was raised during a time when unless you were turning up almost dead at school, no one was going to say anything or investigate issues.
The funny thing is that when you don’t talk about this stuff, you can feel ashamed and even crazy but talk to people and you will find kindred spirits who understand your experiences. Sat with a friend a few months ago, we found ourselves weeping laughing at the absurdity of parents who go batshit on your birthday, cuss you out, scare the crap out of you, and then the doorbell goes and it’s your friends and your parents are like “Hi!” and going into Crystal Carryington hostess with the mostess mode while you’re thinking, Erm, did that just really happen?
Over the years I’ve met and corresponded with many people who had similar childhood experiences and a very confusing aspect of being physically punished as well as getting what may have been verbal tirades and/or mind effery, is that it teaches conflicting messages when you have good times and you’re hugged afterwards or they seem really remorseful, or they even say that they wouldn’t have ‘had’ to do what they’d done “if only” you hadn’t done whatever it was.
The trouble is that if you internalised this reasoning and took it as fact, normal, and guidance and direction on what you need to be and do to get by in this world, you will find yourself putting the past on repeat in some way.
One day you will wake up in an abusive relationship that’s suddenly crept up on you or find that you have no voice in your life because you’re always scared.
You may repeat their [your parents/caregivers] behaviour or you may engage with partners who are similar and when there are ‘good times’, or they hug you afterwards or swear up and down how terribly sorry they are, or even blame you, it will feel normal. It will on some level feel like an opportunity to right the wrongs of the past. The people pleaser within will be activated.
If you look at anything where you find you accepting below par behaviour and situations, look for the parallel situation from an earlier part in your life where you picked up the message that this is how things go.
For instance, looking back, it’s easy to see why it would take quite a while for it to dawn that the various Mr unavailables I dated were all shirt, no trousers as well as why I was easily wooed with words – my father has been telling me how much he loves and cares about me while either not being around or not demonstrating it when he was, that I learned that a man, a person in fact, does not need to be around or actually do anything in order for them to love me or me them.
Thats why so many people get caught out by Mr and Miss Unavailables – they think and talk about feelings that are seen as the ‘connection’ rather than having supporting evidence in the actions and relationship.
I learned about the power of a phone call after a long absence and how it’s best not to rock the boat by ‘bringing up old sh*t* like where the hell they’ve been for X months or years, plus how it’s best to stay out of a person’s way when they’re tense and agitated but won’t say why and that I should use the time to figure out what I can do to make it better.
I learned that there are ‘reasons’ why people say that they couldn’t step up or why they abandoned you, and that you should just take these even if they sound hollow. I learned that a person talking about their intentions and regrets, even if they don’t live with intention and in fact keep repeating the very things that they say that they regret, should be taken as a downpayment on a debt that they’re never going to repay but that they’ll keep making out as if they’re going to pay you back to keep you sweet. You give them more time, attention, affection and devotion thinking that you’re going to get a big return on investment one day.
When we really start to think about why something that causes us pain and keeps us stuck in a disappointment cycle seems so familiar and normal, it’s because it’s what we’ve learned over time. And once we really start to think about this and make the connection with the experiences, observations and teachings, we start the process of waking up and being conscious, and that’s a crucial first step in working on breaking a toxic pattern.
An eyeopener for me was distinguishing between my parents and romantic partners/ everyone else. When we in effect keep our child role, we overempathise and project the past into the present and so end up rationalising, denying and minimising unacceptable behaviour to make it normal while giving away our power. I can empathise with my parents and recognise what contributed to their habits both as individuals and as parents. I can empathise with others but they’re not my parents so there is no need for me to give up my power as a grown-up. This has been a hard but valuable lesson to learn – as time goes on, the more you practice the habit of not accepting the unacceptable and not slipping into a child role, the more you find your own normal.
When you keep trying to right the wrongs of your past, you eventually figure out that none of these people can give you what you’ve been looking for and that particularly if you keep trying to be the solution to their problems via pleasing, fixing, healing and helping, that you can’t give them what they want either, certainly not without crippling loss of self.
In life, there are going to be people who insist that their version of normal which involves busting up your boundaries and imposing themselves upon you, is normal. They’re just trying to make you fit into their world because it’s easier – they can feel safe and in control because if you comply, it makes you malleable. Abuse and basically anything that takes your away your ability to treat you with love, care, trust, and respect, is never ‘normal’ or acceptable. You cannot live your life in fear.
You have to decide what’s permissable and acceptable to you and there you will encounter people who can’t take your normal; that’s okay. They can jog along. It’s not your job to try to raise them from the ground up. Learning to recognise unhealthy behaviour and dynamics is crucial for giving you confidence in your internal compass and the biggest indicator is familiarity. If it feels like home and home was a source of turmoil, pain, confusion, and plummeting self-esteem, take it as your code red alert to wake up and get conscious about the choices you’re making.
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OMG. Painful memories surfacing. My mom was beaten by her mother, who.later deserted herfamily of three children, left them.with alcoholic father who.couldn’t cope.As a result, they were shifted around to various relatives for years. My mom divorced my father when I was 13. My mom expected me to.do the majority of the housekeeping and.taking care of.my younger brother & sister. She beat the crap out of me if anything was out of place when.she returned from work. She also was verbally abusive. I was and still am scared of her, though we often did have good times and on occasion, still do. ddied.when I was.17. My mom is elderly now and in a very unhappy second marriage. Geezuz, it’s no wonder, I’ve struggled with relationships my wholelife.Ack. I divorced a verbally abusive man and waited almost 20 yrs to get involved, unfortunately with an EUM asshat. I know.it’s messed.up that I miss.him. I have a lot of work.to.do on myself. I am in therapy. One good thing that the Ex left with me is the desire to be in a relationship. I hope someday that will happen.
echoes, is therapy helping you? I am considering it too.
Yes, Sofia. It is helping me. It is good to have someone to listen,that I can be honest with. My friends have been a witness to this non-relationship for almost three yrs. For the most part, they’re tired of hearing it and they all think I should be over him by now, seeing as how he was such a dick. I have anxiety over this and haven’t been able to sleep well and she has taught me breathing exercises that I do when I am anxious and i do them in bed at night. She reminds me to build myself up and take care of myself.
echoes, thanks for sharing. That’s what I think that a therapist is for one, an objective listener. You don’t want to lose your close friends by repeating the same things over and over. I decided for myself I am done talking about him to my friends. Truly enough. I am done talking and thinking about him myself. Done. Secondly, therapists are professionals and trained. They can point out the things that our friends or we don’t see. And they can help us start rebuilding ourselves. I am too not able to sleep well and haven’t been throughout this year. Need some skills to heal and rebuild. A professional might be the answer now.
Best wishes to you, Sofia on your journey in healing. I feel hopeful, this week, because I have gone four days in a row without crying. I’m starting to believe what I have read so many times on this site, That sometimes not.getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of.luck etc.
Just to clarify a typo. My dad.died when I was 17.
And don’t I know it – I am sacking my consultant and specialist nurse because I found they have been negligent in watching my medication for the past 9 months – which I pointed out to them in January and March – they pacified me at the time with – ‘its in your imagination’, ‘it wouldn’t be these drugs causing your symptoms’ ‘they are safe it is something else, go see your GP.’
I did as I was told, pestered the poor clueless GP for months, did every test going and all the while kept on the drugs for months and months, to be told 9 months later ‘oh that is why us doctors don’t like keeping you on these drugs for that long’ – after I tell the consultant that the GP had finally diagnosed me with permanent nerve damage in my feet and arms due to an allergic reaction to the drugs he prescribed and kept me on. He also told me moments before this that there were other drugs that I could be moved to apart from that one.
This wasn’t his first red flag, or the second but it was his third and it is his last. And I don’t care if it is the NHS!
He looks and sounds like a perfectly respectful consultant – a silver fox teaching many other registras but he is in reality a smiling disorganised, negligent and uncaring consultant, who makes huge presumptions about your personality to your face and has plenty of time to write newspaper articles and be in showstopping newspaper pictures raising hospital funds for this machine or that department. All very admirable stuff.
He can’t even organise his own lunch! and pleads poor NHS doctor victim with no time to spare let alone eat anything, every time you see him. I have been ‘lost’ off his appointment system twice – once for a year, once for six months, due to ‘a blue form’ not making its way to the correct place and his mind-game manner of relating to me, because I have complained unsuccessfully before, feels totally abusive. He is lightening quick to shift blame every time I try to speak to him – I actually end up feeling guilty everytime.
So why oh why have I allowed it – knowing all this from other relationships?!!!
I just kept thinking I’ll just do it on my own – I’ll show him! HE WILL THINK I AM AMAZING, A MIRACLE – but I’ll never show him because I actually need a real consultant to get well. Just as I actually needed real parents all those years ago to feel love, rather than the show parents I have. Just as I actually need real care of myself and to stop neglecting myself because I want to believe someone for once, is wonderful and cares for me more than myself, just for once…maybe…
And yes it is my sad M.O.
The ongoing sad theme in my life – to RECOGNISE AND RAISE a problem with someone only to hear a few soft ‘there, there dear’s’ at which point I completely FOLD – collapsing like a deck chair, dropping all alarm and becoming as passive as anything and conforming to what ever rubbish I am told – actually believing it completely. I want to believe, only it is a complete fantasy – with reality biting me in the back**** months or weeks later – EVERY SINGLE TIME.
All those years of raising problems – only to be told I was being nasty or wrong or jumping the gun – worked there toll really well. I stop myself way before they/I ever even get to that point of feeling I am actually being unreasonable because I can actually feel that feeling without them saying anything direct.
It is obviously totally unreasonable to expect that someone mature and being paid to care for you, can manage to organize their own lunch, especially when you have huge problems of your own to deal with!!!I actually thought of ways to find him food!!! – thank goodness I didn’t go down that road, at least I learned that one!
I am so angry with myself and them. So angry.
I feel so let down.
Ugh I know what you mean – the delayed anger etc.
What has helped me is reading books about assertiveness.
I don’t know that I can assert boundaries that I need to be safe, well and grow. Each time I feel I do I find later on that it wasn’t enough, I let them slip through somewhere later on.
I believe I am not trusting enough because I don’t actually trust anyone really. I ‘know’ this and I feel guilt at asserting myself, so I give them some room – because you should trust until you know otherwise,yes? So evan though I don’t trust them I do the opposite, I persuade myself to give them some reward/to help them/rescue them for giving me some leway when I asserted myself earlier – only it turns out there was no leway, they just waited their time until I broke with being assertive and in the end its the same result…me being neglected, abused and paying for it – every time.
I think in reality – I am acting out of revenge subconsciously. I want them all to know so badly, what a nice, great, amazing, able, beautiful person I actually am and was – my parents, extended family, abusers and all of them — and how THEY all let me down…If I can just get one of them to crack and see….I want them to crumble into nothing, like they made me. I’m so angry and I want outside Validation for the pain I’ve been through at the hands of other people who were supposed to be caring for me.
The reality is I want revenge because I don’t believe I can do boundaries and so I fail to know it is in my control. I want it to be someone else s fault.
Thank you for your reply So True. It is quite a shock to get through everything I’ve been through … to realise even though I know the waste of time revenge is – I still haven’t reached a way of being able to forgiving them or myself and assert boundaries with people – because that would mean I would have to be a pain in the a** – which is how I was always made to feel when I asserted anything by all of them.
I am still setting myself up through the deep anger and felt need for revenge that I have inside – which is actually probably hurting me more than all the neglect, abuse and pain I’ve been subjected to from other people.
My relationship was abusive from the word go. I was constantly being told in every way that I was wrong in every way. Everything about me was wrong but I kept on moving forward in a relationship that chipped away everything that made me who I was. The worst part was my self -esteem and confidence was demolished.
I constantly feel sad and depressed. There is no happiness in my face as often as it used to be. I am no longer with this person but the damage is done to me and now I have to rebuild me. Hopefully to be better and never to accept bad behavior from anyone.
Hope,
Hugs to you. I can relate. This person, slowly and surely, chipped at my self-esteem and my worth for months. With subtle remarks, hints, and criticism. Saying I was too sensitive if I protested. Sometimes I didn’t even realize what it was. Just slight teasing I thought. I never heard anything like that from a man. I was married to a man who loved and respected me for who and how I was. No criticism. I dated other people, who although were assclowns in their own ways, but they never criticized me. They accepted me the way I was. This person gradually and persistently took away a bit by bit of me. I do find myself too that my self-esteem plummeted and find myself anxious and depressed a lot especially during PMS. I get fast heartbeat and even similar to a panic attack feeling now in social situations. The breakup was 9 months ago and even though I am getting closer to healing about the breakup of the relationship, I do feel the aftermath on my personality. I believe I need counseling. I feel I experienced trauma. I went through abortion with the person. He influenced me to go through this and couple months later he broke up with me. I have turned to Faith but I feel I need professional counseling as well.
Sofia, that’s so interesting – I had the same ‘symptoms’, as it were.
I’m really interested in neuroplasticity – the brain/body connection. I’ve never met a woman with bad PMS who didn’t also have a lot of emotional stress and unhappiness and anger in her life. I am one of these women, but now that I’m happier and single, I’ve found my PMS is less trying than it was.
I’ve often wondered if it was the PMS causing the stress, or vice versa.
Ethelreda,
That is interesting. I am wondering that too about PMS. I know I am not bipolar, but when I am about 1,5 week before my new cycle, I feel like I am hit by a train. On every level – emotional and physical. I avoid any mood altering medication and have never taken them. Just trying to take it easy, know the cause, try continuing going to the gym, and be gentle on myself. You are right, severe PMS symptoms themselves can cause a lot of stress. I have never thought about what’s causing what. Good point. If one is stressed out and unhappy in general or about one particular issue, then it makes sense the PMS will be harder to deal with too.
When I used to do yoga, I found those typical symptoms of PMS were significantly reduced. I recommend it for stress — I am considering going back to it.
Thanks NoMo Drama. Gym helps but I have no energy at all during at least a week before my period. So that’s a vicious cycle of a terrible mood. Yoga is something to consider.
Ethelreda: In my case, stress clearly made PMS worse. I used to experience a lot of sadness, anger and anxiety during those times. Now I believe that those were the feelings I used to suppress the rest of the time. It’s as if PMS made my denial crumble, which was probably a good thing even if it didn’t feel that way. Now that I’m putting up with much less cr*p than I used to, PMS has become far less scary.
Hope and Sofia, Both your posts were SO me a couple of years ago. I did go to counseling, after many years of constant nit-picking, walking on egg shell, being told “no one wants to hear your opinion”, “why are you wearing THAT”, every last thing from famine to nuclear war being somehow my fault. And on the outside he was that fun loving guy everyone wants to be around.
Turns out I was diagnosed with PTSD. I was actually happy to hear that, as the panic attacks and physical symptoms and fear I felt when I’d get even a short text message were debilitating. Emotional abuse is traumatic BUT you can get through it. It takes time and perseverance, but with professional help and support from the right kind of friends, you CAN do it.
What makes me chuckle now is that (yeah, I can actually laugh about it), I have NO contact with that crazy ex, but yet he has been telling people that we are still friends. Funny the narrative addicts and abusers make up in their head to make them feel like the good guy. The great thing is that everyone that knew he and I in the past have all seen his true colors, which helped me heal by realizing his actions had NOTHING to do with me. They are all on him.
I’ve started seeing this great guy (after taking along break!) and my view of normal is being reset. I almost fell over when I was out to dinner with him and his Mom and a group of friends. When his Mom got tired early in the evening, I honestly expected him to let her walk home by herself, instead he left with her to make sure she got home instead of staying out until 5am with his friends. Which is NORMAL. Which is NOT what I am used to! I’m liking normal – it’s a happy and safe place to be 🙂
Oof. Lorna, my mother blames me for the weather. Seriously. It’s good to finally recognize these people for what they are and yes, often they are well liked by a lot of people (that is because they get energy and life force from the people they push around – you!).
Lorna,
I am happy to hear that therapy helped you and a break from dating reset your understanding of normal. I have not been dating since the breakup (January this year) and am still not ready or interested. I need more time to heal and learn to love myself and understand myself.
Yes I understand what you are saying. Everything was wrong with me according to him. My music, my taste in movies, my choice of clothes, my hair, my shoes, my hobbies, how I spend my time, what I read, how I laugh, how I react, what I care about. The criticism was very subtle though. It always sounded like joking and “gentle” teasing. Witty type, you know. Nevertheless it was an emotional abuse, which I didn’t realize back then and had no self-esteem to register. The thing though I understand only now that it doesn’t matter how subtly it sounded. Now I would have not tolerated it. None of it. “You are too sensitive,” oh that was such a common phrase of him. A person who respects you and cares for you will not treat you like this and will never even think or have to say a phrase like that. I am so grateful I met him in my life so that my path to a healed healthy me is paved and to someone whom I possibly meet and if I do meet that person, it will be the one who will accept me the way I am. I will never go for anything less anymore. Only true acceptance of me.
It looks like the therapy helped you. I am glad you met a great guy. Although I had a turbulent childhood I do know what normal is. My ex-husband was normal towards me for 8 years (only of course back then that didn’t feel normal to me hence it didn’t work for ME). So I know what to look for and also I know what to run away from. These 8 months of healing and thinking have been amazing. I feel like a new person. I feel I am reborn in a way. I even have an experience like I don’t recognize my surroundings anymore and “what I am doing here?” kind of thought. Amazing transformation. Thanks a lot to Natalie and the BR community. I know I am on the right track and perhaps half-way there if not more, along the way.
Lorna that sounds really hopeful and is inspiring, thanks for sharing your story. I recently worked out what normal was also – never occurred to me before, I thought what I had experienced was normal – so I can understand what you mean by the surprise that someone would behave decently with others and to yourself. Long may it continue and develop and blossom for you.
Oh my God, Natalie, you just defined my childhood and why I grew up attracting cheaters–my mom was the suffering, devout Catholic and my dad was a grouchy bastard at home but in public he was a charming and good looking philanderer who kept getting caught and never had to change his ways because mom never had the confidence to issue him any ultimatums. I chose her role as an adult because it was the least obnoxious of the two.
After finally figuring it all out and changing my ways, now I have good self esteem, core values chiseled in marble and boundaries that a bulldozer couldn’t budge.
But one new thing had come to my attention that worried me quite a lot at first.
When I had zero self esteem I picked “friends” who would make sly insults disguised as kidding around and otherwise indicate they thought they were better than me. It used to be okay because I they were, too.
Recently, a woman I’d been besties with for more than 10 years tried to take advantage of me in an art purchase. For the first time, I insisted on asking the price I had quoted (which was a wholesale price) and she actually got offended and accused me of trying to gouge her. She got so offended that I was taking care of myself and and not letting her walk all over me financially (as I used to), she wanted to lecture me about my lack of negotiating acumen.
Lecture me, my ass!
I told her I was healthy now and I didn’t think cheapskates and vultures like she turned out to be were qualified to be my friends anymore. I told her that anyone who questions the value of my work, my honesty or integrity by accusing me of trying to gouge them, obviously was projecting their shady behavior onto me. Like you say, Nat, if you have to choose between yourself and someone else, choose yourself.
So I did.
Next, and much harder to face, came my sister, 7 years my senior who is high-strung and has to have have her way or she gets loud, hysterical, aggressive and says the meanest things imaginable.
Sensing a huge fight was brewing between us back in June, I e-mailed her and said I was going to need a month or two break until things simmered down. I didnt blame her or accuse her, I just said I sensed a big fight brewing.
She immediately wrote back with some meaningless but snippy comment obviously just wanting to have the last word. So this time I replied and and said, “Maybe you misunderstood–by break I meant ‘effective immediatey.’ A break is also known as “setting a boundary” which I have done. No reply is necessary.
Who on Earth is not aware that everyone is entitled to set reasonable boundaries? My crazy sister, that’s who.
So she replies AGAIN, only this time just in the subject line. It read: “You are exhaustingly needy. MAKE IT SIX MONTHS!!!”
As tempted as I was to reply, “Make it six years, bitch,” I just ignored it and figured if she could fling that cruel of an insult and triple down on the boundary I had calmly set, she was not only lacking even a tiny grain of respect for me, she was over-reacting like she was out of her mind.
Needy? She has the emotional warmth of a reptile–if I was needy I’d seek a warm blooded, nurturing type.
What I realized is that when our self esteem kicks in and we start to take care of ourselves and stop accepting abuse and insults from others, some of them just can’t accept it, and they have to go until they do. Even if they are you sister you’ve idolized all your life, if they spit on your self esteem, they lose the right to be in your life.
The good news is, almost by fate, on Facebook I have run into some friends I knew back in college and high school and hadn’t seen in 30 or 40 years…and now we are closer than ever. They are supportive, loving and treat with me affection and respect. A few even offered to punch my sister in the nose. 🙂
The time I am no longer wasting on people I once clung to when I had no self esteem has been replaced with kind, fun and loving souls who think I’m cool. And I kinda think they’re right!
Thanks, Natalie, you are my inspiration.
“When I had zero self esteem I picked “friends” who would make sly insults disguised as kidding around and otherwise indicate they thought they were better than me. It used to be okay because I they were, too.”
Been there! Karen, this situation with “friends” is a common experience. What was so weird, I thought, is that these well liked, popular people would befriend me in the work place and whatnot, then get me alone and suddenly turn on me with a rain of insults. I would be so caught off guard, I would do nothing. Then it would escalate to insulting me, out of nowhere, in front of people. I did nothing, and nobody else did either. Because co-workers clearly “sided” with the abusive friend, I felt even more alienated and the cycle of low self esteem and self doubt continued.
This same dynamic kept occurring until I said to myself, Enough. What set this off was my mother’s sadistic treatment of me, and my siblings looking the other way (she was and is sweet to them).
It’s nice to finally say, No it isn’t me. I don’t want these people around me anymore.
This post was right on time! I was just thinking to myself the other day how much different my life has become and is still becoming since I began this self discovery and healing journey. It seems weird at times only because its different. But my new normal and new people in my life are better. Heres to this continued journey. Thank you for the encouragement with all of your articles and classes Natalie!
Also, I’ve realized the familiarity of all of my unhealthy relationships going back to my childhood. As part of workung on me ive been addressing the untruths I was taught about my worth from my mother especially. I found a website called emergingfrombroken that is good. I feel less alone knowing it is so many people whose parents or family didnt really want them or werent able to love them.
Hi Nat, as always…I enjoy your posts. Including this one! I can’t however, ignore that fact that the tone of this post was rather somber and sad. I hope everything is Ok with you. You always look out for all of us (your followers and readers) and I feel its our responsibility to look out for you as well. You are an amazing and strong woman..and an inspiration to us all! THANKS FOR ALL YOU DO! *HUGS*
Nicole: Experiencing deep sadness because of the childhood we had can be a blessing. It can help us to finally overcome PTSD, as I believe.
My personality disordered mother used to make me believe that any “normal” parent would have killed me because I am such an incredibly disgusting person. Purportely, she was a saint for even raising me…
Even now, in my mid-thirties, and NC with her for several years, I still somehow believe this awful lie. Deep inside, I distrust everybody, thinking “I know that YOU too would have killed me. How could you be my friend?”
This kind of narcissistic/psychopathic brainwashing wreaks such havoc in a child’s life. This is also why it is wrong to tell adult victims of child abuse to “forgive” prematurely.
First you have to overcome all those toxic messages, get angry and sad about what was done to you, and then you can maybe consider forgiveness (not necessarily reconciliation – at least not in cases like mine!). Not before.
I have a saying, ‘normal is whatever you grew up with’. From food to attitudes, if it feels ‘normal’ it’s something you grew up with. What is one person’s weird is another person’s normal, from milk on your morning cereal (totally weird to someone in China) to equating control with love (my childhood normal).
And if it’s so normal that anything else feels ‘unnatural’ then it’s deeply embedded from childhood and culture and will need some major upheaval, deep thinking, and likely counselling to unlock and deal with.
Happily just as we can acquire a taste for foods that at first feel weird so we can also acquire more healthy attitudes and behaviours. It takes awareness and inner work but there’s a way when the will is there.
And a little personal update… I just bought myself a house! And in less than two years after the arseface left and I was beside myself with anxiety about how I possibly support myself and my precious furry white dogs to the point of planning suicide. In that time I’ve gained permanency in my job and managed my finances to be able to manage a small mortgage.
It’s a big deal for me because up to now my thinking was that buying a house was something you did as a couple and I never dreamed that it was something I could achieve on my own. It also means that I am meeting my own needs for security instead of flinging myself into the first possible relationship that might provide it (as I did with the arseface).
It’s been very daunting and will continue to be a challenge as I now get to grips with home ownership and renovating (I could do with some Noquay led workshops!) I have to have faith in myself and remember that I am capable and connected. I’ll be bloody glad when some order emerges from all the chaos of unpacking my stuff!
P.S. My furry white dogs are enjoying their new backyard 🙂
Congratulations Furrywhitedogs! So glad you hung in there through it all. Best wishes to you.
Furry,
Great job!
You and the pooches, enjoy!!!!
My power tools are your power tools. Way to go.
You will get there furry. It seems daunting at first but remember this is all yours and you can make it whatever you wish. I love being in my own house, I can decorate how I want, eat what I like when I feel like it and best of all, there is no one to tell me what I should or shouldn’t be doing, being or saying.
Does that sound selfish? Hell no! You and your little puppies can relax and have a peaceful life when you shut the door at the end of the day.
Enjoy and congratulations.
Natalie, your article made me cry. I agree with you on every point. My epiphany relationship and the breakup initiated by him almost 9 months ago was a life-turning event for me. One of the reasons why it is an epiphany relationship is because I finally can see a clear connection why I had been forming dysfunctional relationships for 9 years during my single life and why I couldn’t keep and work on an 8-year marriage I had had prior to my 9 years of singledom and dating. I finally opened my eyes although I started suspecting the pattern few years ago. I understand that what I had been doing is repeating the pattern of what was comfortable and normal to me during my childhood. My dad was an alcoholic who would disappear for weeks and months, then return, abuse emotionally, scare me, then turn sober and was the most available and fun dad ever. And he was when he was sober. So smart, funny, and loved me. Then, all over again. He and my mother got remarried after 4 years after their divorce only to divorce 1 year later. Then my mother started drinking after he had left for good although he kept resurfacing in our lives. She was unavailable as well. Depressed. Even though she cared for my physical needs she could not care for my emotional needs. I was never hugged, there were never if ever compliments, praises or encouragement. From dad, I received lots of affection emotional and physical, however, it was very sparse and rarely available. It was crumbs. Gifts from heaven for a malnourished child. Unexpected and I never knew when I would see him again. I learned that this was what love was about. Your article exactly describes how it is. And that’s what I finally realized about my dysfunction and how I myself am responsible for such relationships by picking such men and staying with them. Because it hurt and it felt familiar. Being on a verge, stressed, anxious, drama, afraid he would leave, not knowing when he would get into a drinking spell again and become unavailable again. Constant fear. External and internal, backed up by the external evidence. Because there is limited “love” and on their terms only. They disappear emotionally then come back. Hot and cold. And then they leave for you good because they can’t give you what you need. They can’t give you the relationship you want. He – my last epiphany and my last EU – even LOOKED LIKE my dad. Very attractive, slim, intelligent, funny, charming. It is even creepy that I had to pick my wake-up call, who looks like my dad. It has all clicked in the last few months. I understand it all now. But the question that is bothering me how do I heal. I feel I don’t know where to start. To heal from what I used to think about love and what I need to expect. I am thinking about counseling. I get the first part in this – the discovery and acceptance. But I don’t know the steps to heal. I do know for sure I will never repeat such behavior again and will never admit anyone’s behavior like that either. I think knowing that it’s already a great step to start healing. Perhaps I answered my own question. That healing has already begun because I will never accept the EU in my life again and will never act EU myself in a future relationship. It is all very clear to me now. Thanks, Natalie. Great article.
I’m in the same boat, 3 months out of my last relationship that was a repeat of my dad’s emotional abuse. I, like you, recognize the pattern now and want desperately to never repeat it. I too fear that knowledge of it will not be enough to break the pattern. Thinking about counseling too. Expense and not knowing exactly what type of counseling I need is holding me back. Best of luck to you! I believe we need to trust ourselves that we will have better judgement in the future and be able to see the situation early and get out before we get stuck. At least I hope so!
Hi Natalie,
I’ve been coming to your website since a devastating breakup two years ago. This is one of your best articles. Your ability to speak the truth with the fewest words is beautiful, honest and refreshing. Thank you so much.
David R.
Great article. Sounds like my life in specific details. Thank you so much for sharing. Your insight is a blessing!!!!
Talking to my siblings as adults now – when they can handle it – has helped me to make sense of what happened to me (I’m the youngest). Our family was extremely dysfunctional, and all of us have had to find our way individualy, and make our peace with the past and the demons and the anger.
It’s given me huge insights into how people heal. My siblings are for the most part very brave, but I have a brother who’s eaten alive by rage and also with what I suspect is long-term brain damage from an old head injury plu,s drug/alcohol abuse for decades.
It also took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that neither of my parents had any parenting skills. Both came from very unhappy homes, and you can’t pass on what you haven’t got.
So I had to make the transition from absolutely and unquestioningly worshipping my parents, especially my mother, to slowly realising that there was actually AWFUL stuff there I didn’t want to face, to facing it, to having the inevitable conflicts, and then to now. Both parents are elderly and unwell, and failing on many fronts, and it’s really hard to let go of some of the anger.
I am not there yet; I may not be ‘there’ until my mother dies. She for her part is starting to say things in public that have obviously deeply troubled her for years – unpleasant memories about me from my childhood, which she brings up with the purpose of hurting me. She has done this twice at recent family gatherings. It makes me realise I still have a sick pit of fear in my stomach, fear of my mother and her ability to humiliate me. But I am not reacting, and I am growing past it.
Sick as it seems, your mother dragging up the past with the intent to humiliate you is a GOOD sign, as it means she sees that you are beyond her controlling grasp and is now desperate. I’d be weary if she was content!
Ethelreda- Regarding bad parenting skills and not passing down what you haven’t got, I agree with this…to a point. There are certain things that look like compassion and forgiveness toward our parents but are really about still trying to make sense of nonsense. My dad beat me up physically and verbally. I do not hit people. I made my choice just as he made his. My example is the obvious, simplistic one, of course, and you are talking about your own parents. What I’m trying to say, though, is that real forgiveness can only happen when we can call a spade a spade. I have compassion for what my parents endured as children while knowing they could have made better choices but chose themselves over their own children’s best interest and they have no excuses for this. Once I accepted this and after another bout of anger towards them, I’ve been able to forgive them yet again.
Yes, Rosie, I think you’re right. I’ve had to do this also, and my sister has really helped me. She simply says outright sometimes that our parents were selfish, or too harsh, or angry at each other and took it out on us. I am so grateful for her honesty!
I too am making choices NOT to be like them, especially not like my mother. I would like to have her good points, and when I look inside, I do have them. But I want more than that – I want to be less harsh, less judgemental, less inclined to make speeches and more inclined to listen to others. I really do need to make a list of what I want/don’t want in this instance; it would help clear my mind.
My sister has the opposite problem; she slips into ‘Dad Mode’, and I have to tell her, ‘You sound like Dad’, and then she calms down!
Thanks for this, Natalie. I’ve been reading you for years and I don’t think you’ve ever laid out how you learned this lesson quite so openly; it’s appreciated, and with all that’s in the news these days about abusive NFL stars’ wives etc and people wondering why women stay, this article explains a lot.
One thing I can’t quite figure out is why I compulsively chase dudes who are … players? Definitely unavailables. There’s this ex boyfriend I connected with recently – I was like ok, one night, a bit of fooling around, that’s it and I’m out of here, because I know he’s not the nurturing kind. I never knew him well enough when we were a thing 10 yrs ago to know if he was a player; I was nervous and jumpy and jealous, but he was the first guy I picked after getting out of a 6 yr bad LTR so I never knew if all the unavailability was on my part. So after this one night we had a couple weeks ago, he was in touch again to say, pretty clearly, he’d like to fool around with me again, and “more than that, it was wonderful to finally see the nice person I always knew was lurking inside you.” Because in his communication, the fooling around came first, and because his comment about being nice felt more like a backhanded way of saying I used to be not-so-nice, I decided not to go out with him again.
But what do I then do? Facebook him, start ‘liking’ things he posts, start getting in touch to have inane, unimportant conversations. I have reached out to him easily a half dozen times on FB since I backed out of actually seeing him again. AND, after basically backing off because I felt he was only interested in me sexually, I then proceeded to write over the past few days a super, over-the-top sexually explicit poem and then the other night asked him if he was looking for new work (he’s an editor). He has ignored that query, even though he’s on social media. When my messages could be seen as flirty, he responds quite quickly.
My obvious attention-seeking seems like crazy behaviour to me but I don’t know how to fit it into the what-I-normalized analysis. My own emotionally absent dad didn’t objectify me sexually, was not a charismatic narcissist, and was the opposite of a guy who spends all his emotional energy on his career (which seems to be my thing).
And of course the content of the poem is the kind of stuff I used to blurt on dates: a blend of explicit stuff and self-objectifying combined with confessions of having been abused and demands for respect for women.
I honestly don’t know WTF. I recognize the behaviour at least, but I feel like I’m watching some compulsive animal part of me that hides for most of my life and then pops out as soon as I have the remotest sexual impulse. Le sigh! I’ll keep reading and journalling!
AND now I feel like I overdramatized everything because he just got back to me saying, sure, send the poem, and send that other thing you mentioned you wrote.
I am the nut-case here. I have a lot of compassion for me, and don’t hate myself over my mental-hamsters-on-steroids, but just wish I didn’t stress so GD much.
My friend’s son, who is 6, stresses over how much people like him, whether he’s hated, etc etc and it’s clearly an issue; the child is clearly having some major social anxiety that his friends don’t have. But when she describes what’s going on with him, I recognize myself. I was that kid. And like my friend’s son, the kids really didn’t like me, but I was clueless about the behaviour on my own part that made things worse and how I could have made it better. Assuming people didn’t like me was my ‘normal.’
I feel like I’ve gotten over that in most of my life (with much therapy), but still anything romantic/sexual/intimate sends me spinning. I do hope I can create opportunities for myself to find trust and support in a romantic relationship as much as I have done in other parts of my life.
Hey Magnolia,
You just expressed some things that really resonate with me. I was one of those socially awkward, ugly duckling weird kids that was easier for other kids to pick on and tease than try to figure out how to befriend, so my default assumption has always been, and I recently noted still is, that no one likes me, and I am still that ugly, abnormal, confused little kid that no one wants on their team. Onward and upward we go!
I recommend checking into the book ‘Women Who Love Too Much’ to see if it resonates with you. It explains how women in eu relationships tend to use ploys for attention and sex to feel better. It could manifest similar to what you describe.
“I recommend checking into the book ‘Women Who Love Too Much’ to see if it resonates with you.”
That book is great as is “Letters From Women Who Love Too Much”.
I had a childhood full of fear and abuse.(physical, sexual, and emotional) this came from family, and people that my family often knew as friends.
My first sexual abuse was when I was only 4yrs old. This taught me how to be silent when things were at it’s worst in my life. I’ve been married twice, second marriage ended in death. My husband died of cancer, and Aids. I knew he was infected when I dated him, and we later married.
The marriage was based on wanting to fix his life and nurture him, when in fact I needed that acceptance and nurturing myself. I always felt like pain was how I was suppose to live, having severe pain.
Both marriages were filled with deceit and abuse. And yet I remained in that type of lifestyle. Since 2000 after the passing of my 2nd husband. I have remained unmarried and pain free, because now I know the root cause of my choices.
My mother was the cause and I witness many beatings from her 4th husband and sexual abuse from her 5th husband who had a daughter with my oldest sister who has special needs and my mother accepted this and stayed with that husband until he died also.
So I never saw a woman stand up for what is right and loving. All I ever saw was my mother pacify a wrong and remained silent.
I felt a huge weight lifting from my shoulders when I read this post. It gets to the heart of the matter.
Thanks again Natalie. Another great post from a great thinker and a great writer.
Oona – huge hug! That was an awesome and very articulate outpouring and sounds like it’s been a long time coming. Now you will find a way, now that you’re so aware of what’s been happening over all these years. When your anger has subsided you will find a way to change your normal, a way to respectfully assert your boundaries, with consequences if necessary, and really value and protect yourself
The people pleaser in me has been reactivated.
After 8 months of no contact, but a growing anger towards him I got back in touch with him. I just did not know what to do with my anger. I was out of control. I got in touch to put my anger where it belonged squarely with him. Yes it was telling him about himself.
So what was meant to be a one of meeting became another and another.
I went from being so angry to quite calm and the last two times I have actually had fun with him.
It is so f’d up I don’t understand myself I have no clue what I am doing.
I can see some connections to my past where I have had to be nice and polite and even loving to those who have done me some serious wrong. (sexual abuse)
I feel that I don’t have a clue how to break the pattern. So frustrating I actually feel quite mad.
As a child/preteen, what finally led me to understand the sheer dysfunction of my family was being in other kids homes. I learned that normal parents actually love their children and show it. Like many, I was in essence running the household solo at a very young age, was expected to be a sort of therapist for my stepmother, to sooth the stormy waters after yet another one of their fights, and of course, disclose none of this to the outside world, OK including what was being done to me. F@#$ that noise. From now on, since my dads passing, I will never, ever, caretake anyone who chose to live in an unhealthy way. If a miracle occurs and I fine someone compatible, he damned well better carry his share of the load. I am speaking truth about the severe issues in my community and how they are chasing away our best educated, particularly women, and our students. As my last burst of truths was to the President of the entire college, I may wind up fired but so be it. Then I know what path I need to take. I also cut contact, really chased away, an EU fellow racer, seemingly perfect for Noquay (slightly older, very fit, fellow researcher, cultured, organized, easy on the eyes) but he has a girlfriend though he didn’t mention her at all the 3 months he was here. Wanted to keep in touch via email after the races, tried, as hope springs eternal, but cannot deal with the sense of longing and hurt. Enough. Won’t date broken and won’t even deal with unavailable in any way. Got a good affirmation yesterday, the wife of a prominent leader in town said that she couldn’t understand how a single woman could even bear to live here. Cool, it really isn’t me.
Noquay, it isn’t you. I have finally left the rural, box-store, highway, gelnails, pickup truck, commercial-country-music, 132-church town that I was sad to be in, and came back to Toronto, gem of diversity, crack-smoking mayor, ridiculous real estate prices, actual existence of roti shops and art galleries etc and am SO EFFING HAPPY I DID.
I’m on employment insurance! No certainty about job! No partner! Living w my parents! All my friends have partners, babies and houses etc! But I am around people who value me and it still feels better than working for a good salary in a place that devalued me, that was culturally bereft for me, that I was sad to be stuck in.
Sometimes I wonder if I won’t “recognize the sheer dysfunction” of my academic “family”: the profession and people that I chose as surrogate adults/parents/validators when I was young and these were the most together people I had ever been in contact with. But like our own families, it’s hard to see the dysfunction if you never get out and experience other people’s. SO hard to do with work, because academia, like a cult, excommunicates you for taking any amount of time to find out what the outside world holds.
That said, I’m not completely out. I have an academic gig in the winter term. But it’s quite empowering to feel that my financial insecurity does not outweigh the sense of personal power and ‘rightness’ gained by putting thousands of miles between me and that small-minded place.
I still pray for your continued peace while you are where you are, AND for opportunities to present themselves to you to make a change.
Mags
This is exactly why “publish and perish” is something I can no longer do. I saw what it did to my advisor and his peers. Like you, I looked up to academia; folks well spoken, educated, healthy looking (well some of them), discussing books, not bar life. So different from what I was raised with. Got a coupla irons in the fire job wise but they will mean a 50% cut in salary, bailing on my mortgage, maybe getting rid of critters. If I blow it, there’s no family to take me in. However, as beautiful as the mountains are now that the leaves are turning, if I stay here much longer, I do feel I will be alone for good and kinda writing off my life.
This is why I will 1) only consider ever dating man if he is sober and consistently works on himself, as with group therapy and 2) not be caretaking my alcoholic mother who is abusive toward me. I’ll help hook her up with a group home or something, but I won’t show up for more of her abuse. Besides, she’ll just demand that I buy her more wine when her health finally goes. She villifies me to my sisters, and they “side” with her.
Wow. Reading this and all the comments has really hit me. I have been reading this blog for years and years and as I have really started to achieve progress in terms of healing and awareness of patterns I have felt compelled to write my own comments. I guess only now has my self esteem risen to the point at which I understand that what I have to say can touch another.
I was in a relationship that I now recognise as abusive for 7 years. He never hit me but he did have moments of monstrous rage that would leave me curled up in a corner of a room, shielding myself with my arms.
His weapon of choice was to ignore me. Usually when I brought up something he had done that had pushed a boundary or been completely out of order, I would then be ignored as punishment.
I look back at the relationship now after a few years since we split for good and can see that he was never affectionate, kind or loving. I used to have to ask to be hugged and kissed. He used to withhold sex and basically labelled me as deviant for wanting to have sex. I went back to him several times as at that point I did not feel I could live without him. It was like that Stockholm syndrome where a victim begins to rely on their abuser. The last time I went back, sex became his new weapon. He would literally sleep deprive me. Would keep me up at night wanting endless sex until 3/4 in the morning knowing that I would need to be up at 6 to go to work. I did not enjoy these sexual encounters and was pushed into them. It got so that I couldn’t think straight. I would fall asleep at work.
I also empathise with the PMS thing. When I was with him, for about 2 weeks of the month I was a complete mess emotionally. Crying all the time. Since we have split and I have kept him out of my life for good, I have had much less severe PMS.
I have always in my heart known that my acceptance of this relationship was because of what I had no choice but to accept as a child.
My family was full of turmoil. My parents divorced when I was very young and I kind of remember not seeing my dad for years after that. My very first memory is of my parents having a violent fight that led to the police being called. I remember being sent to stay with a family friend. I must have been about 4.
My dad was pretty much then absent from my life but my mum struggled to bring up a lot of kids on her own. The house was a constant hotbed of anger and tension usually between her and one of my sisters who to this day is aggressive and threatening. I realised I have been scared of her my whole life and will hopefully soon be moving. My home environment now is much better. Harmonious even. But this is down to me and my character and I realise that is what has shaped me.
I learnt from a toddler to be a lovely, nice person to keep the peace. I learnt to do extremely well in school, to be obedient, to accept what others told me because they must always know better. I learnt to be supportive to others emotional woes and to put others ahead of me.
I know that I over empathise. I can see when others have had hard lives and in relationships its almost as though I am attracted to men that have had messed up hard lives so that I can make it better. Its what I am used to doing.
It is an on going challenge to come to my own level of “normal”. I seem to fall in love with who needs the most love and not with who can actually give and receive love. There is a big difference. I have to literally sit on my hands and not contact men from my past who despite not having treated me well I find it very hard to let go of. Cos its not “nice” to shut people out. – how mucked up! They have not been nice to me! Sometimes shutting out or NC is necessary for your own health.
I am learning to let go with love. I can let go “nicely” but the key is LETTING GO.
Everyone has their problems that influences why they behave the way they do. but that is not MY problem. I can only be the best that I can be.
Thank you for your honesty nat.
Boo.
This article couldn’t have come at a better time for me… For the 2nd time in my adult life, I’m going NC with my own mother as she’s the most cold, unfeeling, passive aggressive, over-critical, mean and judgmental person I’ve ever known. Combine this with my verbally aggressive, hot-tempered and equally over-critical step-father, you can imagine my childhood wasn’t exactly a laugh.
I swear my mother enjoys breaking me down and stripping me of what little self esteem I ever had, as it makes her feel better about herself. If she’s not making sly digs about my appearance/lifestyle/choices, she purposely picks fights with me so she can turn around and tell me what an awful daughter/person I am.
I once was beaten up by an ex-boyfriend who became enraged and irrational after binging on cocaine and alcohol at a friend’s wedding reception (I took no drugs as I suffer with Lupus). When the police came, I had no choice but to call my parents to collect me from the hotel we were staying in as he’d deserted me in the middle of the night and taken my money. After comforting me for all of 5 mins, her instant response was to blame me for getting beaten up. It was my fault for drinking too much and my fault for picking yet another loser boyfriend. This had never happened to me before and I was very upset. How could it have been my fault? We were having a great time at the wedding and I could never have predicted that he would turn on me like that.
It seems I can never do right with her and I’m fed up of being put down and treated like a chronic failure. She never acknowledges anything good that I do and she never speaks to my brother the way she speaks to me and he’s been to prison and fathered 4 kids with 3 women – yet no one feels the need to remind him of this on a daily basis.
I’m well aware of my shortcomings and I’m the first to admit when I’ve screwed up, but after 30 years of this type of “nurturing”, I’m truly drained and fed up of playing this game with her. She conveniently seems to have forgotten the physical violence and explosive arguments I witnessed between her and my step-father as a child (and on occasion he’d be violent towards me too), and the fact that she got pregnant with my brother aged 17, but she’s so quick to cast judgment on me for simply being alive. She’s constantly negative and it’s toxic, so I’ve cut her out of my life.
I deserve better than her half-arsed attempts at being a mother. I deserve genuine love, warmth, support and respect, but I realize I’ll never get this from her. Time to move on.
“If it feels like home and home was a source of turmoil, pain, confusion, and plummeting self-esteem, take it as your code red alert to wake up and get conscious about the choices you’re making.”
I often said to myself that ACMM felt like “home” to me. Something in our dynamic is familiar to me. The few things he’s shared about his childhood sound very similar to mine. And I do mean the “few” things he’s shared.
He and I had a very limited range of topics we talk about. Weather. Sports. He never mentions his home life or his wife. I’ve heard maybe two stories about his son and daughter and grandchildren. Sometimes a coworker story – but no names. I remember how lonely I felt when he brought in politics as a discussion point. Once or maybe twice a month, we have 90 illicit minutes together, 70 of the minutes are sex, and all you can share in the 20 minutes of conversation time is what is happening in politics?
Lack of depth in connection…that is “home” to me. I grew up in a very lonely home. There were four of us and we rarely interacted…I was always hungering for connection….to feel part of something…included…important to the whole….so I’d do what I could to make others have a good time. You like teasing me. Ok….I can take it…anything to keep us all together for a moment. I was the brunt of the jokes in my house. As Rosie stated – we become doormats trying to get our own needs met.
ACMM never noticed things about me or my home. Rarely made any comments about…anything. One night when I could not relax into our sex session – I couldn’t relax into the sex because ACMM and foreplay are strangers – I lied and told him I was self-conscious because I had “gas”…from all the beans I’ve been eating on my new diet. “I’ve lost 40 pounds” I said. He said “”It looks good”. I had lost 40 pounds, but neither he nor single EUM said anything about it until I mentioned it. Much like my good report cards that my sister hated seeing so much that she asked me not to let her see them, so I stopped putting them on the bowling trophy on the TV where our parents had told us to put them, and my parents never questioned why, never thought to tell my sister she had to suck it up and accept that Elgie was good at schoolwork…it just became OK to hide my good work, let it go unacknowledged, so others won’t be upset. For me, all good work goes unnoticed.
SO now I realize that when a relationship feels like “home”, I should run for the hills. It’s not “destiny”. It’s not “ the love of my life.” It’s familiar pain. Learned neglect of self. Run, Elgie. Run!
My childhood was a bit like yours. Give yourself more credit though. Here’s why – a few nights ago I went to a small dinner party with my dad and uncle. The hosts were his friends of many years, a married couple.
To make the story short, the hostess (who was like an aunt to me) was grumpy and passive aggressive, as if she did not want us there. She had awful manners that night. Seriously if I was not with family I might leave, but I did not want to make a scene. She was pretty obvious about it. I felt slightly embarrassed.
But here is where Baggage Reclaim community and Natalie L. have paid off for me without even realizing it: the “old” me would have reviewed over and over the awkwardness of that dinner party, imagining what I ought to have said or done – or get angry and embarrassed. The “old” me would have wanted to talk it over with someone – anyone – to process my feelings of hurt and shame, and maybe get someone – anyone – to validate me.
Add to the mix that the hosting couple are extremely wealthy and worldly (I’m not, yet).
Instead, I woke up the next morning practically forgetting about all. In fact, what I noticed most was that I wasn’t fretting about something that would have been a big event in my mind. I didn’t even mention it on BR (until right now).
I recognized that this woman’s attitude wasn’t a reflection of me, but I didn’t have to DO anything to get to that realization. I think this is because of BR. So, it may be that you and anyone reading this will be faced with a challenging situation and instead of reacting in the old ways, you might find yourself going “huh”, and surprising yourself.
Elgie, I grew up in a lonely household as well. I don’t think anyone in my family knows how to have a real emotional connection. I’m not sure how to go about changing myself so that my friendships/relationships aren’t also “arms length”.
Ah, Yes. You nailed it Natalie. I relate to this post so much. I had NO stability in my life as a kid and witnessed and lived through a bunch of crazy shit when I was growing up. The example I had of love was so distorted and unhealthy, I was bound to end up in bad and abusive relationships, and I did. It took the worst relationship of my life to finally understand that this wasn’t love, or normal. I had lost who I was, or the ‘who’ I had created to cope, because that girl just couldn’t cope any more. I was tired of pain. I guess that’s what it took to finally force me to start digging. It was either that or go so far past the point of return, I might not recover. Who I was was dismantled down to the core, but it gave me no choice but to start over and find the me that was hidden inside. I went overboard at first and developed boundaries like an electric fence, but slowly came into myself and relaxed into just living and having my own back naturally. This was gradual, with lots of ups and downs, and a couple failed short relationships, but the general momentum was forward. I wasn’t going to go back to living in dysfunction again, no way. I didn’t know how to fix things, so I felt my way around in the dark for a while, stumbled a bit, but kept going. BR helped me immensely and was like a light in the dark. Staying single for a while and focusing on myself helped a lot too, and I think is crucial while you unravel your own shit. I’m single now, enjoying my peace and serenity. It’s long over due and I guess I’m punch drunk on the sheer wonderfulness of no drama. I’m in no hurry to get in a relationship, but am open to one if it happens because I’m human and do feel occasional loneliness, but it isn’t consuming. I don’t let it. I admit, I do have fears that I’ll regress back to survival mode and that emotionally stunted little girl will come out to make some noise if she gets spooked. I try to have faith that I can stay sane and not go backwards. I need to remember that have I choices in my own life and behavior, and it doesn’t always have to be about survival and fear. I’m not sure what my triggers will be anymore, so it’ll be interesting. Drama and pain aren’t love, and they only lead you to search for love in the wrong places with the wrong people. It’s hard to understand that if you’re sense of normal is all wrong. It’s a big task to discover this stuff about yourself, but you have to choose if you want to stop diving head first into pain, and then DO something about it.
I have struggled all her life with different types of EU relationships – exes who were emotionally abusive, narcissists, alcoholics, workaholics, etc. I know a lot of it was probably because my parents are very poor at emotional connection so that’s what I associated with normal.
I made a ton of process but I got into another relationship I thought was different but now I am second guessing myself and whether I got into an EU relationship again.
I have been with a man for 4 years who has shown in his face and actions he cares about me, is consistent, always there to help me, calls me every day, never disappears. So he’s missing a lot of the main EU characteristics. Yet he has never once told me he loves me. Most of the time we talk, it’s about superficial stuff – current events, new things coming out, tv shows, etc. I know the basic parts of his past but he is often quick to shut things down, not listen, change the topic, and sometimes has simply ignored me when I talked.
On top of that, even though things are generally low drama, he criticizes me. He’ll ask why I don’t look down when I trip. He’ll complain every time I drive him somewhere about my driving or parking. Says I shouldn’t wear certain things because I don’t have the figure. Stuff like that. What I get angry and complain he tells me things like he’s joking, I’m too sensitive.
Part of me wonders whether I am settling or normalizing things here.
Anon, like Natalie says, choose yourself. When I finally began standing up to my very invalidating mother, she would get flustered and say that she was just joking (she wasn’t, and I’m far from humorless). Invalidators don’t know how to act when confronted. They especially hate it when you gently, calmly confront them in a neutral voice – it’s like they would rather burst into flames.
It’s weird to watch the person who had so much power over my just sort of… melt and back down so easily.
Anon, you explaining your hurt feelings to this man doesn’t work to get him to respect you. When my mother would lie to me about obvious things, I thought the issue was that she was mistaken, that if I could make her see the truth, things would improve and return to normal.
This doesn’t work because abusers and invalidators don’t care about the truth. The man you speak of does not care about a dress that flatters your figure, or that you’re too sensitive – he cares about making you feel like shit. That is the very point of his remarks. My mom cares nothing at all about the truth, and gets satisfaction from confusing and upsetting me over trivial matters. No amount of my explaining to her how I feel when she does that, will change her behavior and she will never apologize. What she wants – and what your boyfriend wants – is to hurt and demean.
These types of people WANT to steal your joy. They want to get your focus OFF of yourself, your life, your bright future and having a pleasant good time and ONTO focusing your efforts on pleasing and being liked by them. They wouldn’t do it if it didn’t work.
It’s easier to see in an extreme example: I once read personal account of a woman who was in a bad marriage. The abuse didn’t start right away. He’d come home from work and criticize her homemaking – her cooking wasn’t up to par. The floor was too dirty. She found herself obsessively cleaning and getting anxiety before he came home. One day, she was on her hands and knees scrubbing the kitchen floors so he wouldn’t yell at her, and realized what was going on. It wasn’t about her cooking, or the floor. It was about controlling her actions and thoughts, and making himself the center of her attention. This is a narcissistic act.
Anon, your boyfriend’s comments aren’t about your figure, or whether or not you’re “too sensitive”. He feels threatened by the very fact that you have free will and can walk away from his bullshit at any time. He feels desperate that he can’t control you, so lashes out. He’s bad news and his behavior will get worse. People who say “you’re too sensitive” don’t care about you period.
I agree 100 per cent. when someone is always saying you’re too sensitive, or you can’t take a joke, etc. That is a really bad sign.
Anyone who says “You’re too sensitive” is an abuser. They don’t care about your feelings, and they don’t want to look at their own behaviour and see that it is abusive. Better to criticize you than have any self-awareness.
He hasn’t told you he loves you, not one time, in four years? That tells you everything you need to know about how he feels about you: there is no love there.
Anon,
I would be concerned that your conversation is so superficial. The fact that he cannot have a deep convo, or tell you that he loves you, is a big problem, especially after four years.
What’s more concerning, is that he is picking away at you. This is emotional abuse. It’s even worse when this creep says you’re “too sensitive.”
This guy is a asshole! Time to ditch him!!!
I appreciate the pep talk. I think deep down this guy can’t give me what I want but it’s hard walking away from an almost good relationship. When I discuss it IRL with a few close friends they don’t get it.
Yeah this morning there was a major accident that lead to closing the road (only way there) that I need to commute to work. This guy called me on my commute to discuss the stock market. I mentioned I was stuck in traffic and worried whether I would make my first work meeting on time (I gave myself an hour to get to work – normally it takes me 20 minutes).
He started going on about how I lose track of time and need to work on my time management skills. I texted my boss that I was running late for the meeting (using my speech to text functions on my phone) and he gave me such a different reaction. Just ‘no problem. Drive safe’.
Just taking that conversation as an example, someone who really cared about me probably would have said something like drive safe, or show concern over being late for work. It’s not like I’m an irresponsible child who is always late. It’s been bothering me today.
He won’t change for the better. If anything, the more you put up with, the worse he will get in his treatment of you. Because he knows he can get away with it.
Anon, it is painful and embarrassing for me to admit, that a good part of my “relationship” with the EUM AC was largely in my head. I did way too much thinking of how it “could be” instead of thinking, “why the hell are you still in this mess?” This may be true in your case, also. The EUM threw out just the right amount of crumbs to keep me on the hook. Like taking me hiking or really stepping it up and taking me out for my birthday, but after these “highs” he would retreat. It was a mistake on my part to try to keep adjusting myself to the situation. I always justified it by thinking: “he seems like he’s starting to come around, come to his senses” etc. I enjoyed having someone to go out with and have sex with and I put up with way too much to try to hang onto that. When he dumped me for someone else, it was hard for me to stay in reality. My therapist helped me, and I made a lot of lists of his bad points. I made a list of his good points and it almost made me laugh. He didn’t have too many. One was that he liked his cats. When that’s one of the few good things you can say about somebody, it’s pretty pathetic. 🙂 Anon, really listen to those things he says and does that bother you, let them sink in. That is the real him.
My ex used to treat me like an irresponsible child. For one slightest misstep. He would call me disorganized and disaster. Everyone I know thinks of me as a very organized and efficient person. He had zero tolerance for imperfections. Crystal is right. The more time goes by, the nastier they get. More and more picking and picking. Will get only worse. And “you can’t take a joke and are too sensitive” attitude if you get upset or protest.
Thanks everyone. I need a kick in the pants. I’ve been letting things sink in and have been trying to think about what an ideal relationship would look like to me. I think that is the question I need to be answering. Not how do I turn this into one.
The bigger issue is I’m stuck in a lease with this guy for several more months. So it’s bound to be awkward. I think what I’m scared of is that he is one of the few reliable people I know. I seem to live in an area surrounded by flakes. That is why I picked him… consistency. I know it’s not enough of a reason to stay but I have been trying to understand what attracts me, what I’m addicted to with men, etc.
Just the fact that you wrote here about this guy tells me you know he’s a jerk in how he treats you. And understandably, you’re asking us for validation of that. There is nothing wrong with seeking input from BR, cause we’ve all been there. Your girlfriends aren’t getting it and they aren’t validating your uncomfortable feelings about him, but we here on BR are! We’ve got our antennas up! I always find it telling when an acquaintance, (here, it’s your boss) or even a stranger treats you with more compassion than your supposedly significant other. The difference between this man you’ve been with for four years and how your boss responded to the traffic jam tells you, really, everything you need to know. It’s a clue. There are a lot of them. Now, are you strong enough to do something about it? I think yes!
One other thing: for myself, I finally have gotten rid of the stigma I placed on deciding what’s best for me. I would always ask everyone around me what to do (like my girlfriends). But I finally realized it doesn’t matter. They aren’t me and never will be. They cannot tell me what is best for me. I am the only one that can do that. It’s pretty freeing when you finally fully acknowledge to yourself just how unique (and special lol) you are. Because then you get to decide all by yourself. You’re free!!!
Natalie, I’m so sorry you went through it as a child, and I’m glad you didn’t let it hold you down. Love. Angel.
When I was involved in a relationship with Mr EUM Harem-in-Rotation Keeper, I was living a very lonely isolated life, therefore, his few words per day became very meaningful to me and I became addicted and dependant on him; my only (Sick) personal relationship during that time. The first year of breaking myself from him was rough but I got through it and am a better person now Without him.
PS: When I was a kid my Mom used to throw away my toys, books, clothes, possesions. She was an OCD – TYPE housekeeper. I wasn’t allowed to have anything long term. CRAZY.
Oh. Good. God! “…Erm…did this really happen?!”* Story of my life, the “WTF?!! Oh nothing, never mind…” reaction to being abused and shat on. No, it must be me. Couldn’t possibly be them since everyone else is perfect and I’m the f’kd-up, defective one. Crazy-crazy-crazy-crazy. Thankfully now after 15 years in an abusive relationship/marriage and happily finding BR early this year, I am on my way to sorting this shit out and figuring out how to stop it from continuing to occur.
“…One day you will wake up in an abusive relationship that’s suddenly crept up on you or find that you have no voice in your life because you’re always scared.” Oh, so that’s why I have never, EVER actively taken charge of my own life and have for the past nearly 50 years allowed myself to be serially taken hostage by other people (or organisations) and their agenda for me? Because I got the emotional (and sometimes physical) shit kicked out of me for expressing what I wanted or didn’t want to do? Why I have a lifelong history of putting up with egregious behaviour from others because I am that desperate for approval and acceptance, only to have the goal posts moved and get told what a piece of shit I am for not doing “x” when it was “y” that I thought I was supposed to do, or worse yet, for DOING what I was told to do? That I make myself a doormat for others to use in an ever-futile attempt to get my own needs met? Yah think? It’s starting to make sense now. More food for thought. Nom-nom-nom. Head is spinning….
Sorry this is so incoherent — random reactions that I haven’t quite yet managed to process.
*In fact, that was the very title I used for a piece I wrote a few years ago describing such an incident:
Anon,
I’m curious as to what you define as a good relationship?
Is it really “almost good?” The guy has never expressed his love, nor shown emotion. He also picks away at you, making you feel less than . Doesn’t sound so great, and I’m wondering why you settle for so little.
Good point. I realized a few days ago I need to put this together now and not waiver next time when I spot a deal breaker.
This post so clearly described what I went through as a child, how it affected me as an adult and why. It took me many years to work through all of that to finally become a healthy person, which would have been so much easier if there had been someone to explain it the way you just did. Thank you! I’ll be sharing this with a few people who will great benefit.
I love this one, I have a new normal that is so much better than the old one. I just got out of a fling very early, while in the old normal, I would have stayed in that uncomfortable comfort zone until the emptiness became absurd and unbearable. It goes back to my family being emotionally distant and disengaged. But this time, I decided I’ll hold out for someone who loves and adores me, even if it takes forever.
I don’t understand why I attract men who are just looking for sex, while I consider my main assets to be my brain and character, and that I look average. Do others experience this? I can only think that my confidence is so low, they have to be pushy to get my attention, and those types are often the unsavoury ones.
Happy b- I used to think the same as you: “There must be something about me that’s attracting these guys.” No, no, no. This is blaming the victim. These guys are out there and we just happen to be at the wrong place at the wrong time like visiting a beach. We know there are sharks but, having never seen one or are told it’s really a dolphin if you look hard enough…
I thought I was a jerk magnet but, really, I was simply naive.
Rosie, sharks and dolphins, love it! There are some ridiculous jerks out there, the mind boggles. What really got me about this latest shark was how limited his experience is because he doesn’t bother getting to know or understand women. I almost feel sad for him because we have so much to offer and he’s missing out!
He makes the player I was involved with for years seem very classy in comparison, at least he had emotional involvement with women, even if he ultimately manipulated them with this knowledge.
I feel strong. This was my first ‘romantic’ involvement since the major AC in my life, I got out quickly, and I know very well that I don’t need any man in my life to make me feel like a woman. I can do that all by myself, with the wonderful people in my life who appreciate me for who I am, by appreciating and showing solidarity with other women, by giving my love and support to the people who deserve it. It’s dolphins or nothing from now on!
Quite frankly, I don’t care much for “being made to feel like a woman” anymore. I want to be “made to feel like a human being” instead.
Hypothetical example: I complain about my skills not getting appreciated at work. A guy who “treats me like a woman” may say: “Oh. But you look gorgeous tonight!” Another (more “normal”) guy might say: “Oh, that really sucks. That would bother me too!”
I would very much prefer guy number 2 nowadays.
Elly B, I see your point, I prefer guy number 2 as well, but I’d think guy number 1 was sexist. The guys I have time for see me as equal and get past me being a woman, some sadly can’t do that. You are right that humanity comes first, but we also have sexuality to contend with and a chauvinistic world that partly forms our identity and the struggles that arise when we’re conscious of it. This is why I reach out to women more these days whereas before I was more ‘one of the guys’. This is my opinion anyway, it’s complicated.
Rosie: “…or are told it’s really a dolphin if you look hard enough”. So true! Great analogy!
Wow this really rings so true to me. I was with my ex for two years in a relationship. Initially we broke up after 8 months for 4 months and he begged to come back and said he would do anything to change and give me what I needed which at the time was to be more affectionate and include me in his life with his friends and family and get to know mine more. In other words fully commit to me and integrate our life because it always felt so strange to me. Although we now gave it another 10 months and I don’t doubt he loved me he wasn’t capable of giving me the love I deserved, the full committed love I need to be happy. He would make promised to change and include me more in his life and even though things improved in some areas in others I still felt rejected and horrible about myself. I finally realized this is who he is and he isn’t capable of more due to an upbringing that was far more traumatic than mine he couldn’t see “normal” and gave me less than “normal” which was “normal” to him. This same day we broke up he was at the bar with a fling ex from our last breakup rebounding and using that poor girl again. One he used to fill the void during our last break up and left her for me to then use her the day of our break up. Id like to say I really have learned how to love myself and what that means in this relationship and to no settle or allow anybody to give me crumbs, hence why we broke up. I couldn’t take it any longer and told him that. I’m hoping loving myself more and knowing what I need and DESERVE will attract just that. I would normally be sitting here bawling my eyes out knowing he’s with someone else at the first chance but to be honest I feel a sense of peace knowing he does not deserve me and I made the right decision. Love yourself ladies and don’t settle. I did so many times and in the end you only end up hurting yourself.
Hello Eyes wide open,
Thumbs up from me!
I am just interested to know your opinion about the rebounds. I think, that I was 2 times a victim from rebound seeking girls, who I guess just used for short term fix and showed me as their new “love” to their ex bfs and later I was dropped and they went back to their ex bfs.
I just don’t understand the idea of the rebound relationships. Even in my darkest moments when I was suffering so hard I’ve never tried to start new relationship, when I know that I am not over a gf.
I can’t understand is this some kind of selfish behavior or just behavior of very weak, confused and lost soul.
I am glad that you chose yourself!
Sorry for the mistake in the previous post!
Thumbs up for YOU!
Still Mr. U,
The explanation in the nutshell is that some people don’t like being alone! They don’t do well! They equate their identity based on if they are in a relationship. They don’t take the time to deal with their issues before they jump into another relationship.
I don’t think they are intentionally trying to hurt people, they just don’t do the work to fix themselves or deal with their feelings from prior relationships. The ability to soul search is not a easy thing to do and many people go through life making the same mistakes over and over because they are prepared to do the work to make themselves better.
Thanks Stephanie,
Good point! I really forgot how different can be the people! Of course it makes sense, but it also should not be an excuse for the serial rebounders. I know, that at the end of the day everybody has a chance to choose to be alone for some time and to change or to stick to the old patterns and again to wake up in abusive or not desired relationship.
I have a friend, that is serial rebounder and after I discovered BR I had a talked with her. I tried to explain, that since last 9 years she jumps from one long term relationship to another longterm relationship, even without give any closure to her ex bfs. I didn’t want to project to her to leave her current bf and to get some rest from the relationships. I just advised her if one day she break up with her bf to get some break, because she never processed the emotions of her previous relationships ( after 5 years she was sill talking about her first bf ). Hope, that she listened me.
Still Mr U,
Chances are she won’t listen to you! The reason is because there are deep seated reasons why people jump from one relationship to the next and it has nothing to do with the relationship itself, but something that is going on with them.
Think about it–Many people do take breaks before starting a new relationship, that’s not the issue, its what you do with that time and if you learned anything from the prior relationship that matters. You could mourn the loss, but never deal with the mistakes you made. Its not enough just to get over the person, you must also fix yourself otherwise you will continue to make the sames mistakes.
Stephanie,
Interesting point of view and just agree with the statement, that everybody choose, what to do with it’s time. I know that I am not a relationship consultant and how can I be, when currently I am not in any relationship. I can advise people when I am mature enough and when I am in available relationship and etc.
Of course I would help, if I see the will to change in any of my friends, but this will be for limited time. I am not a personal psychologist and at one moment everybody must take it’s own journey.
Thanks again for the good point!
Eyes Wide Open,
Good for you! Let him keep bouncing from girl to girl trying to fill a void he will never fill if he can’t really a person get close. It must be a sad existence where you have to keep going back to old relationships because you fail to do the work to make yourself healthy! Good Luck on your journey!
I also feel that you bared your soul to us in this post, Natalie. I found BR in 2013 and I’ve read several of the older posts and maybe I did not see your total unveiling from the beginning….. but I could feel your raw honest pain in this post. That’s probably why you can touch so many of us where we live.
What you say about separating the empathy we give our parents from others who are not our parents….that is a lesson I needed. I had good parents in that they were responsible people and actually “reared” their children. We had discipline and household chores and curfews. They worked and provided a stable home and home life, food on the table, we ate together every night. They lived up to the responsibility of being a parent.
So when I weigh that against the emotional malnourishment, I can see they took care of me even as they ignored my emotional needs.
So as an adult, I have fallen into the trap of rationalizing away a friends emotional neglect of me, because my childhood emotional neglect was accompanied by tangible acts of caring for me.
But these new friends and lovers and coworkers and whoever are NOT my parents. And I need to kick those non-caring people to the curb as soon as I see shady behavior.
Fantastic post Nat, that synthesises everything BR is about! Magnolia & Noquay, I’m reading, nodding & understanding. Mags, you would benefit from learning to flush sooner & also, (I’m not sure where you sit on this ‘morally’? ie I ‘get’ we all.have certain needs) possibly by refraining from all sexual intimacy unless a person has earned this by showing they are treating you with respect, care, trust, kindness ect (or whatever your own personal standards are). Noquay, I’m glad a move may be on the eventual horizon & that writing yrselff off re relationships due to location is now something u don’t think you’ll do. Both of you have a great deal to offer & deserve love in yr lives. xx
I have learned that there’s a paucity of love in my family for me so I’ve stopped going to the well looking for water. I’ve learned most ppl will never change so I stopped expecting them to. This is wishful thinking. Wishful thinking was my dissociative place to stay safe when I was a child. I’m an adult now & *I* have learned how to keep *MYSELF* safe. There is no longer the NEED for wishful thinking!
I’ve learned that my body is sacred & that it’s my job to protect it from being defiled by never do well types. I’ve learned that all types of violence & abuse (including self abuse) are totally unacceptable, so I no longer tolerate this from anyone inc myself (but still working on final goal re ciggs).
I’ve learned that my body, sex, heart & psychological wellbeing are all intertwined: I can’t do ‘casual sex’ or FWB becauses these things lower my self esteem, so I don’t!
I’ve learned that I really am a decent person, flawed yes, but trying my hardest to live a rightous life & that I DESERVE love. I’ve learned to love ME first, only when this is rock solid, will I feel ready to invite another in to my world (still working on this atm).
I’ve learned not to look to ex’s for anything at all. They’re ex’s for a reason & will only harm or debase or lie about me &/or the past if I let them bk into my life. I no longer open the door to yesterday’s rubbish, esp not from decades ago, expecting it suddenly miraculously to smell like roses instead of putrid filth which was the reason I tossed it in the first place!
I’ve learned not to allow ppl to take advantage of me, so-called friends included, in any way shape or form. Recipients of my favours are much more carefully chosen these days. Reciprosity in friendship is important. Where this is absent &.attempts to.communicate / remedy the sitch fail, I ditch the friendship!
I’ve learned that there are consequences for my behaviour. If I don’t want the consequences don’t do the behaviour (I got that from Dr Phil, lol, but it’s very powerful).
I’ve learned to love myself just that little bit better by getting a rescue dog with lots of medical needs & loving & tending to it! If I can care for a dog so tenderly, I can care for me that way too (by eating healthier, earlier bed time, rising earlier daily etc)!
I’ve learned that what happened to me as a child WAS NOT *MY FAULT*. Terrible things happen to good ppl & it’s how we RESPOND to these things that makes or breaks us.
I’ve learned that I DON’T HAVE TO FORGIVE MY ABUSERS! Some things ARE unforgivable. It’s OK to be angry, hurt & grieve & to then JUST. MOVE. ON.
I’ve learned I don’t want to punish myself by ending up alone because I’m too frightened to tell an intimate partner what happened to me as a child. The RIGHT guy WILL understand & take extra care to NEVER wilfully harm me!
I’ve learned that when I am ill, physically or mentally (depression & ptsd) that it’s OK TO TAKE MEDICATION. This does NOT make me a junkie & it can help me to get well again!
I’ve learned that my financial independence matters to me. That I don’t want or need to rely on anyone to provide for me but MYSELF.
I’ve learned that the path to a better life is through edctn. I may do this much more slowly now but that is better than not at all.
I’ve learned to stop sabotaging myself! There are plenty of foljs out there more than willing to do this for me! My job is to block & delete those folks from my life!
I’ve learned I STILL have a LOT to learn & having gotten most of the crappy lessons out of the way, the new ones will hopefully be about lifes better side!
I’ve learned to be tenacious & resiliant. These things & succeeding life are the best ‘revenge’!
I’ve learned not to repeat the same mistakes over & over again & to expect different results (Einstein’s def of insanity). I’m learning how to make NEW, & a better quality class of, mistakes!
That’s it for me today. I’m off now to do MORE learning! Love to all! xx
Teach, I admire you and how you’ve come through so much. You inspire me to try to change so I can start to live more peacefully. One day I hope to spell out just what I’ve learned just as you have. Hugs,xxx
Hi Lilly! Good to *see* you’re still here! Thankyou for the lovely compliment. I have been through a lot but it’s made me who I am today, and that’s a strong, empowered, take no BS kinda gal! I LIKE me today! I even LOVE me today! How amazing is THAT, after so many people tried to physically and psychologically destroy me at various (sometimes very critical) points along the way?! I’ve had a lot of help to get this far and I’m still needing this right now, but I really feel as though I’ve turned a big corner and I don’t need to look over my shoulder anymore. I’ve OBLITERATED anyone and everything that was causing me harm in my life! The only thing left to do now is get rid of these ciggarettes. That’s next on my list but I’m biding my time so that I know will actually succeed on my next attempt. This still remains a high priority though. The way to get peace Lilly is to get rid of any and all BS. It’s that simple. No hanging onto ANY of it. Just, ta, ta, see ya later to ALL of it and peace can and will be yours to enjoy. And you will be able to articulate what you’ve learned if you try. Have a go at it just on your own even. I’ll bet you too have come a very long way on your journey. None of us is perfect but progress counts for a LOT. All the best to you Illy. May your life be filled with peace before you know it! Teach xxxx
Gosh Teach, well said and done!
My daughter has a saying ‘It’s not my fault but it is my responsibility’. It’s an incredibly powerful saying when you unlock and really understand it. I can see the same thinking in your post 🙂
Hi FWD,
I’m glad that your daughter finds that saying helpful for her but it doesn’t apply to my situation.
I take ZERO responsibility for outrageous abuse perpetrated by horrible, nasty, unconscionable people – most especially NOT when I was a mere child and later a young vulnerable homeless teenager, at the time.
I was indoctrinated to believe that I WAS responsible for the abuse I was exposed to as a child and teenager, however, because this is a very common tactic used by abusers that serves to shame abuse survivors and keep them (wrongfully) “blaming themselves” for the abuse.
I have spent my entire life fighting within myself, wondering (at least in relation to some of the abuse), “are they right?” / “was I really to blame for what happened?” / “am I RESPONSIBLE for the abuse in some way?”
I have been doing a truckload of work on this these past few years (and in years before that also, but for personal reasons I have needed to revisit this topic more recently) and here is where I stand:
After a great deal of soul searching I can unequivocally say that the answer to these questions, is a resounding NO.
So, NOPE, I am ALSO NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR the behaviour of others, in any way shape or form.
The ONLY thing I AM “responsbile” for is how I live my life as an adult now (which as it so happens has included bringing a number of my abusers to account either at law or through other appropriate mechanisims).
If this is what you mean then ok. I don’t have a problem with that. Otherwise, I am very wary of anything that clouds this issue by suggesting that people who have been abused as children (such as in my case) are somehow “responsible’ for this. I am even wary of it being suggested that ADULTS are somehow “responsbile” if they are abused. Adults at least though, once they have identified what is occurring (a critical caveat) have some agency to remove themselves from abusive situations and people (all be it that this is oftentimes easier said than done for a myriad of reasons).
We talk about issues of “responsibility” and “abuse” in the same conversation we just need to be careful with our use of language so as not avoid “victim blaming and shaming”. I’m not sure if your daughters saying confuses the two but it sounds a bit airy fairy to me (as a lot of new-age BS is in my book).
Lastly, thankyou for your comment. I’m feel that you meant well. Otherwise, I hope that you’re enjoying your dogs. I have one black one. Perhaps I should change my handle to “one black dog”?! LOL
Teach 😉
Hi Teachable,
I’m sorry I didn’t see your reply earlier.
Your comment about airy fairy new age BS made me laugh out loud for real as both my daughter and I are ingrained skeptics and not terribly tolerant of that stuff ourselves.
I totally agree with your points and I forget to explain or clarify my daughter’s saying as it has become a second nature shorthand to us.
It is very much about living your own life and dealing with the issues you have. My daughter (call her S Bear) deals with a laundry list of physical and mental conditions; chronic fatigue syndrome, fybromyalgia, hypothyroid, bipolar, OCD, anxiety, plus a few more. Some are genetic, some are the result of her childhood, of which I was a part.
S Bear says that how she came to have such issues wasn’t her fault, she did nothing to deserve them, she isn’t to blame for them, BUT dealing with them in the here and now as an adult is her responsibility.
She says it is her responsibility to manage her illnesses through active self care, which includes research, understanding, inner work, seeking proper medical care and counselling. She’s very grounded and I am often in awe at her insight and wisdom, especially as she is not yet even 30.
Some people try to shirk their responsibility to themselves as adults by blaming or expecting other people to ‘fix’ them or their situation. Ultimately this does them and the people around them no good. We’ve all met folks like that, those of us here on BR.
My apologies if I triggered any hurts, you are quite right, we do need to be careful with our language around such sensitive issues.
I am enjoying my furry white dogs although since I moved into my new house I’m spending a lot of time picking burrs off them so the clippers are coming out and they are about to become much less furry!
I recognise my pattern in this post. My father literally took off when I was five and I think I’ve been trying to find him ever since. It’s led to me choosing men who don’t treat me well, including the current one who I don’t seem to be able to let go of. Sometimes I feel strong and after one of his irrational, angry outbursts I think I can end it, but then the pain of the loss is too much and when he contacts me again I can’t resist. He seems to want me one minute, but not the next and it’s terrible. He’ll say things like “this isn’t working” and “we’ve lost the connection” but I’m clinging to the good times and the hope. I feel dreadfully insecure. I recognise the unhealthy behaviour, mine and his and know I need to change and break the pattern, but I’m too scared. As Nat says in this post I am living my life in fear; I am my own worst enemy because I understand all of this, but I can’t seem to act in my own best interests. I feel out of control and ashamed of my inability to love myself more.
I too can’t seem to act in my own best interests. Maybe I’m ‘too nice’. I’d ignored the AC’s ‘missing you’and ‘love you’ texts. But he phoned me at the weekend. He was really down and said he’d like to talk, so (ever the optimist) I thought at last he wants to commit, so I agreed to meet – not only that, I invited to come and have a meal. I dressed up to the nines and made a lovely meal. Turned out he wanted to talk about his new ( yet another)girlfriend who refused to see him again unless he wanted to commit exclusively to her and that (just like me, he said)she couldn’t understand why he had to have several women on the go all the time. I felt so let down and humiliated. Why did he think it was OK to let me know this? Apparently I’m ‘such a good friend’ and the ‘only person he can talk to’. Shortly after the meal he left to go home to rest, as he was depressed. He sent a text to thank me for the meal and for being so kind to him. WTF? Am I now relegated to friend and counsellor? I feel I don’t know what normal is any more. What do I do now? Act as if we were never an item? Just be friends or ignore him totally. If I ignore him he won’t understand why – it just doesn’t seem to have occurred to him how I’m feeling, even though I’ve told him in the past how hurt I was and it would be best not to stay in contact. I know I’m my own worst enemy, always wanting to believe the best of people.Is he mad or bad or am I mad for falling for it all yet again? BR has been a lifeline for me – now I just need to follow the good advice on here and stop thinking I can be the exception to the rule.
shattered, I see you are saying that, ” even though I’ve told him in the past how hurt I was and it would be best not to stay in contact.” That’s the answer. No Contact is the only way. You can’t trust ACs. You opened up and trusted thinking you are an exception to the rule. Don’t even try to reason why he is the way he is. It doesn’t have anything to do with you. Take care of you. Don’t talk or see him anymore.
shattered,
You are his fallback girl! He is using you to make himself feel that his behavior is okay because if you can see him and he couldn’t make a commitment to you then he must not be that bad? My ex called me to tell me of his wedding plans even though he treated me like crap! We were not friends and hadn’t spoke in over a year so I’m not sure what he wanted from me? Who does that? They want validation. Don’t waste your time. You already know who he is, let him go and be a commitiphobe with someone else. Hugs!!
Shattered,
He doesn’t care how you feel, it is and always will be about HIM. He has no empathy and no understanding of what you are going through, he can’t even understand why this is happening to him yet again with yet another woman. He will never, ever understand or be the man that you want, he is looking for sympathy but he lacks understanding of how his actions cause the problems and he will always be this way.
Shattered,
For me he sounds really disconnected and I think, that it doesn’t matter if you try to give him understand why or you just go NC. What is the purpose of all these talks from him about this girlfriend. It can be attention seeking or behavior of totally disconnected person.
I was and I think, that I am still Mr. U, but I remember when I really was hurting a girl and actually didn’t understand, what I was doing to her. I just was unavailable ( I never lied her, cheated and etc. ) I couldn’t commit and the thing was that I haven’t realized how I hurt her even if I just talk normally while we drink coffee together. She told me some things and left my life for her good. I needed 5 years and a lot of life situations to understand the consequences of my actions in the past and how actually I hurt her.
What I am trying to say is that it’s his business to understand why, you are not obliged to tell him anything. If you go NC and he asks, what is the reason, why not to tell him and to continue with the NC, but if he is just poking around and sending random dumb messages to check if you are still in his “harem”, then better even to not respond.
Finally why is so important to make him understand why? If he is connected enough to the reality he will understand and leave you alone and in peace.
The best think for you will be to understand why you behaved in this way and how you can help yourself.
Lilly and Shattered,
This pattern has been going on for YEARS! It almost seems like you’re resigned to continue being stuck. Believe it or not, you are actively making choices not to change your life.
You have been on BR for a very long time. We have all supported, sympathized and cared, and wished for your happiness. that is why is becomes frustrating when you say you understand, but continue to self-hurt.
I am wondering if we are enabling you. I remember the story a fellow poster made about a fellow church goer, who was having years of issues with her husband. She choose to vent about her spouse, said she understood, but NEVER made any changes. The result, people felt used, and felt that they were simply sounding boards.
It’s time to make some active changes.
I’m afraid I have to agree with Allison. Telling your story and being supported is one thing. Staying stuck in the same destructive patterns for years is another. I remember an Oprah show some years ago and she had a famous self-help guru on. Well, a woman in the audience told her story and it was a pretty shocking one, similar to those we often hear on this site.
Oprah was full of sympathy and hugged the woman, told her how much she was understood and supported; the other women in the audience nodded in understanding and clapped… and the guru said “No, this is not helping her.” And he was brave enough to say something like “This is how women actually de-power other women.” Oprah was really miffed and kept insisting “What do you mean? She’s really hurting and we’re understanding and supporting her, and she needs to tell her story, etc.” He said “No, what you’re doing is a kind of enabling her to stay where she is, because being supported in the way that women do for other women FEELS so good, that this can actually take away the need to ACT.” He said men don’t do this – when another man has a problem the focus is on action, not feelings.
I think there is some truth to this. Maybe more than just some.
Oh man, that’s very powerful. I’m so glad he put his foot down. This is the problem with my erstwhile ‘friend’ – she wants consolation and understanding, but won’t change a blind thing!
He maybe right to a point, but I think that’s what makes woman woman and men men! We are feelers and men are doers. But what has to happend is there has to be a healthy balance of both! You can sympathize, but also encourage action. It really doesn’t matter what outside people do, if that person is not ready emotionally or physically they will be stuck.
Its very true. Support is fine but one must look at options too and also do what one can to de-stress. My reaction to what happened this week was first, remove myself from the abusive situation, describe what happened to others outside in order to gain perspective (am I being over-sensitve?, is my hurt and anger justified?), finish the three resume/cover letter apps and mail em, then do something empowering for me. Rumors of what happened have been flying, and a student who started the paperless movement on campus was aghast at what occurred and apologized profusely. Feel better despite a screaming hangover (too much wine last night), will give myself a day outside, gathering wood, then spend tomorrow writing.
Shattered this is so unhealthy and not a “normal” for most people/women on the globe. He only cares about his needs and he sounds a very boring and small childlike insignificant man.
Cleaning out a cupboard, washing the kitchen floor, doing a good deed for a neighbour, is better than listening to his old nonsense, nothing is in this for you .x
Lilly,
I presume that the latest AC isn’t the academic that was involved in you losing your baby? I do hope not.
People all have different personalities and temperaments and experiences in life. Some of us embrace assertiveness like worriors (Noquay, Rev, myself and I’m sure many others here). Others are less assertive and less inclined to know how to be.
In the time that we’ve been communicating here I would say that you are someone whose self esteem has collapsed probably at a very young age, and this has set you up for feeling very uncomfortable with being assertive and knowing what bounderies are and how to enforce them. That’s ok. It’s not good or bad to be a person who identifies more strongly with with being less or more assertive. They’re just different personality types, that is all.
For someone like yourself though I recommend NC with the latest AC and a period of no romantic relationships whilst you immerse yourself in therapy to learn to bolster your assertiveness skills, boundary identification and enforcement, and self esteem. This might include being guided in this work by a therapist, doing something like Nat’s self esteem course, and looking for a group training program where you can attend and actually learn how to be assertive.
It is critical though that you keep yourself safe until this work is done. That means, NO ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS until you are confident that your “people picker” is fixed. Does this mean that another AC will never again cross your path? Hell no! It just means that when and if they do, you will be have the skills and ability to protect yourself which in turn will rebuild your self esteem.
I hope this helps a bit. Chin up hey. It takes what it takes.
Teach. x
Just want to say, it’s good to be able to go into the archives and find a post that helps you out. When any negative feelings or bad ideas are surfacing, I can search and find a topic to help me see reason. Today, it was “Does my ex Mr. Unavailable or Assclown miss me? Thanks, Natalie for having these archives available and being able to “favorite” them.
I too have read and reread a lot of posts from the past. They are very helpful as I am restructuring my version of Normal. Thanks, Natalie.
“It trains you to be a pleaser devoted to trying to influence people’s feelings and behaviour while also trying to minimise conflict, criticism, disappointment, rejection, and abandonment. It trains you to stay when you should run, and to run even when there’s an imagined threat.”
OMG. That is SO me.
“In life, there are going to be people who insist that their version of normal which involves busting up your boundaries and imposing themselves upon you, is normal. They’re just trying to make you fit into their world because it’s easier – they can feel safe and in control because if you comply, it makes you malleable.”
Yeah. I have jumped from one bad relationship to another, where, even if the guy was not the reincarnation of the devil, was nevertheless trying to get me to fit into his schedule, to see me on his time, to get all the benefits with minimal effort. And I could never be the one to walk out, even when I knew it was making me unhappy. Not to mention situations of outright abuse, where I kept normalizing more and more of bad and abusive behavior, mainly because I never really had “normal”, even growing up as a kid and living through my parents’ dysfunctional relationship/marriage…. The problem is, I don’t know how to fix this. Nothing I’ve tried has worked. I know I am doing something wrong by staying, but I can’t get myself to leave. I am not scared of being lonely, or anything like that. I think, subconsciously, I am emulating my mother’s behavior. She never left, despite all the abuse, because she really had no means whatsoever of raising 2 kids on her own. I am also scared of what others will think of me if I leave them. I guess I have such a poor self-image and am in such dire need of approval, that I’d rather stay in a relationship that is making me unhappy, than to risk having a man think of me in a negative way, for having left him. For a while it was working — I was asserting myself and doing whatever made me happy regardless of what others thought of me (rather than trying to please others), but I quickly regressed into pleasing-others-all-the-time state… 🙁
Beautifully written, our dear Natalie. Reading it makes me want to cry and also pisses me off. Shocker. 😉
Ditto, hard to create a new normal, when the old was so entrenched from day one. Have a best friend who has been close to me since early teens. As I have dumped the men and the lifestyle, my relationship with her as become very strained. She has hinted that it is difficult for her knowing and being with me now because I have changed so much.
Even though she and I have been through tough times together, I have to go NC with her from now on.
I feel really bad after I have been with her, sense a lot of resentment on her part towards me- imagined or not – and I truly believe she doesn’t like much anymore. Thirty years of normal, is hard to let go of, but as I paint myself a new world, someone like her who openly confesses that they are a dark spirit, needs to be out of my life.
On a positive note, since moving away from the bad EUM’S and her , I have never had so much work.
Once you upgrade and start NC life changes SLOWLY but SURELY, beyond recognition. Cheers BR X
This is really timely for me, something I’ve been thinking about a lot since a breakup in July. Still scared to get into another relationship with a EUM but I’m a lot closer than I’ve ever been to understanding why I’ve made the choices I’ve made in life and how I can chart a new future, a new normal. Printing this to keep. Thanks!
“Beautiful Pain”
Eminem (featuring Sia)
I can feel the heat rising, everything is on fire
Today is a painful reminder of why
We can only get brighter, the further you put it behind ya
But right now I’m on the inside (Looking out, cause)
I’m standing in the flames
It’s a beautiful kind of pain
Setting fire to yesterday
Find the light, find the light, find the light
Yesterday was the tornado warning, today’s like the morning after
Your world is torn in half you wake in its wake to start
The mourning process and rebuilding, you’re still a work in progress
Today’s a whole new chapter, it’s like an enormous asth-ma
Thunderstorm has passed ya, you weathered it and poked its eye out
With the thorn bush that you used to smell the roses
Stopped to inhale, can’t even tell your nose is, stuffed
So focused on the bright side, then you floor the gas pedal
And hit the corner fast the more asserted, never looking back
May hit the curb, but every day is a new learning curve
As you, steer through life, sometimes you might not wanna swerve
But you have to, to avert a disaster, lucky, no permanent damage
Cause they hurt you so bad, it’s like they murdered your ass
And threw dirt on your casket but you’ve returned from the ashes
And that hurt that you have, you just converted to gasoline
And while you’re burning the past, standing in the inferno and chant
I’m standing in the flames
It’s a beautiful kind of pain
Setting fire to yesterday
Find the light, find the light, find the light
You’re so familiarized with what having to swallow this pill is like
It happens all the time, they take your heart and steal your life
And it’s as though you feel you’ve died cause you’ve been killed inside
But yet you’re still alive, which means you will survive
Although today you may weep cause you’re weakened
And everything seems so bleak and hopeless, the light that you’re seekin’
It begins to seep in, that’s the only thing keepin’
You from leapin’ off the mothafreakin’ deep end
And I’m pulling for you to push through this feeling
And with a little time that should do the healing, and by tomorrow
You may even feel so good that you’re willing to forgive ’em even after
All the shit you been put through this feeling of resilience is building
And the flames are burning quick as fire would through this building
You’re sealed in but you’re fireproof, flame retardant, you withstood it
And as you climb up to the roof, you’re just chillin’ you look down
Cause you’re so over ’em, you could put the heel of your foot through the ceiling
As time passes, things change every day
But wounds, wounds heal, but scars still remain the same
But tomorrow today’s going down in flames
Throw the match, set the past ablaze
So feel the fire beneath your feet as you barely even perspire
From the heat, exhale deep and breathe a sigh of relief
And as you say goodbye to the grief
It’s like watching the walls melt in your prison cell
But you’ve extinguished this living hell
Still a little piece of you dies as you scream
I’m standing in the flames
It’s a beautiful kind of pain
Setting fire to yesterday
Find the light, find the light, find the light
I feel the burn, watch the smoke as I turn
Rising, a phoenix from the flames
I have learned, from fighting fights, that weren’t mine
Not with fists, but with wings that I will fly
I’m standing in the flames
It’s a beautiful kind of pain
Setting fire to yesterday
Find the light, find the light, find the light
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4bqBA9ZkMg0
My mother grew up without a father, and my father grew up without a mother. They met in highschool. It was a small southern town, Depression era. Both were popular, one, for playing football, and the other, official sweetheart of the high school fraternity.
Both graduated from college and my father became a hero in WWll before they were married. As a couple heading up a family they were perfect for each other. Neither of them had any expectation about the parental roles of the other. They had two daughters, my sister, first, and then me.
At Easter time, my mother blindfolded us or took us into a dark closet with her pin cushion and a flashlight. This way she could mark the hemlines on our mother-daughter Easter dresses without spoiling her surprise. I see, now, she used her creativity to act out her love for us. I really wanted her to hold me and simply say, I love you so much, but she never did that. Apparently, she just couldn’t.
Even with economic trappings of a 50’s fairytale middle class family, I perceived myself as under-loved by my parents, and generally feared by my older sister’s cruelty towards me. Whenever I would “tell on” her for being mean, my parents would not step in or stop her. Instead, I was labelled “over-sensitive” at an early age.
I could never figure out why she hated me but she really seemed to. Years later, a psychic told me that when my mom was pregnant with me, everybody told my sister that I was going to be born and I was going to be just like her, but, in reality, I was nothing like her at all, and never wanted to be. Maybe that’s why, but we’ll never know for sure because she died several years ago, refusing to talk to me.
As an adult I learned that my some of my parents’ closest friends were impacted by the favoritism bestowed on my sister so much so they tried to balance things out by being extra kind to me. This shocked me. I had no idea. Thinking of it still makes me emotional and grateful, and embarrassed (?).
I wonder how things might have changed in my world if even one of them had been able to tell me, at the time, something like, ” You are good. You’re not wrong. We see you. ”
I realize that would be unlikely for those times but I still wonder. Therapy tells me this feeling of powerlessness prevents us from setting boundaries in life. See Chapter 2 – Me staying with an abusive husband for 20 years, and Chapter 3 – Me raising four teens on my own.
So, I remain searching here in my empty nest Chapter 4 adulthood, still wearing ‘over-sensitive’ as my badge of courage, and working through difficult family memories as I also grieve the loss of the family into which I was born.
Ever so grateful to have stumbled upon this group,
Thank you, Jane
Hey guys! I havent been on here in a while. However, I came across a post on fb and decided to post what has worked for me after getting out of a hurtful relationship with someone who almost finished me emotionally. I had gone no contact and was doing pretty well for about a month and a half. But my days were painful. I started to have alcohol with breakfast after dropping my daughter to school and sleeping my day away. I obsessed about it and what happened between us. I nursed the hurt wearing his jewelry and re reading old texts and ignoring his texts and calls but dying inside. Inside I was dead.
One day after dropping my daughter to school I was on my morning run for wine and stationed right beside the wine was a rounder of books…inspirational christian books. I picked up one written by the father of a 4year old boy who almost died and went on a tour of heaven with God. Heaven is for real is the name of the book and it has changed my life. After that I couldnt stop, I kept searching for God and reading and searching and one day in pain, my heart breaking, still drunk, I prayed a prayer for inner healing, baring my heart to God and asking him with everything in me to heal my hurt and give me peace, to take the pain from me and that I couldnt go on. The amazing thing is that He gave it to me. I fell asleep after that prayer and woke up with a feeling of peace that came over me that it is impossible to describe and I knew then that God had answered me. It is has been 2 months since that day and since then with prayer, real heart wrenching,here is the mess in my life prayer. I have stopped drinking, except for my 1 glass of red with dinner with no craving for it whatsoever. God told me I needed to forgive him for what he has done to me and I did. I can think of him now with no hurt in my heart any longer and a total peace. I pray constantly and have dedicated my life to following God and His Word. I thought I knew God b4 but it was in a way where I just call on Him when Im in trouble and then forgot about Him. Now I totally believe in Him and follow His Word (even though Im not perfect). I pray and He answers me and guides me.
I can say that God, thru His Son Jesus Christ has saved me and I will never be the same. Every day I pray for His will for my life and the peace He gave me has not left me. I love God so much and the miracles he performs in my life daily have left me praising Him daily. I have forgiven my ex completely and that has lifted so much from my heart so I am able to, with Gods guidance move on. My relationships are improving and everyone notices a difference in me and I love telling them what God alone has done for me.
I wish you all the same peace and I encourage you to pray. God loves us so much and unconditionally. In Him we can all find strength and if you trust Him and believe in Him TRULY He will answer all your prayers. I am dating slowly, cautiously and listening to God where men are concerned. He has taken the hurt, the lust, the drunk I had become out of me so I can move on in Him.
Sorry its long and I probably said it all wrong. Im not your typical bible thumper so I may have rambled too much. My point. Find God!! Find Him! I love Him sooooo much!
Oh yeah…its reallyyy important to also forgive yourself and then forgive and pray for (I didnt actually recognize myself while doing this)the ones who hurt you. THAT was huge!!! Im free tho!!! Thank God I am FREE!!!!
IWokeUp, I could write what you wrote! Can’t add anything else, you said it all. I am very happy for this change in your life. Not just a change, it is a rebirth.
“Agnus Dei” By Michael W. Smith
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UWndDW_271g
~~~:o)
IWokeUp,
I am glad that you were able to find the peace that you needed to overcome your issues. Sometimes people need a higher catalyst to help when everything else seems to fail them. I think that is what is all about acceptance. Good Luck on your life’s journey!!
Well, I’m glad your belief got you out of your funk.
However, there are millions of God-believers who still are a mess.
If it works for you, fine, the rest of us need actual solutions.
I am anticipating my new normal with excitement. Its already here, just waiting to start my new amazing job, but in meantime, I am learning guitar, chilling and feeling very peaceful.
My friend gave me a new cookbook (nearly mispelled that as cokbook…oh pls God no LOL) Well I had some cool tunes playing whilst trying out a new healthy recipe, having a strum on guitar and I really felt like I was falling in love with life again, and with myself. It was a beautiful moment that was a defining one. Ex ACEUM, is still on block and I am getting over him nicely. He only wants a FWB situation and even he wanted more, I no longer want him. I cannot wait to save and move because I would like my house to have the ‘for let’ sign up and be living somewhere new when he decides to come a knocking.
Thank you Nat and ladies for the life changing posts.
Soulfull, your “almost typo” about the cookbook.cracked.me.up, thanks.for.the needed.laugh!
I read this and as I am reading I tell myself OMG that’s me. I grew up in a emotional and physically abusive household. My dad never said he was sorry but my mother sat there and took whatever was dished I believe some of it was her thinking of traditional roles and cultural norms. My mom stayed in her marriage until we my brothers and I were older. However, I believe that it did us more damage then good. I worked hard to be better I worked hard to break these patterns in my life and even became a therapist trying to help those in need. I would channel my traits in a positive way. I went to therapy myself and worked hard on identifying my negative behaviors and establishing myself as an independent healthy woman. And then I find myself here in a relationship going on 2 years where I am treated in a way that does not make me feel good. My partner is not physically abusive but he in his words is honest. I don’t know if anyone has ever dated a lawyer but they do not like to lose an argument whether they are right or wrong. I find myself asking what the hell happened I tried so hard all my life to be in a healthy relationship and now I find myself looking up sites where I can find comfort. I am a giver I am a pleaser I try my best to do what I can to make his life easier but yet he does not budge for me. What’s hard is that being a therapist does not work in my favor it works against me because I rationalize his behaviors I empathize with his childhood well he grew up in an abusive home. I don’t know I kick myself and say what happened to that independent strong woman who would never take anyone’s crap? I feel like I have become a shell of myself I have become this insecure scared person and why I don’t know? I don’t know how to regain that courage that pride that self love. I don’t even know what I want or what I am seeking I just want to feel free I want to be able to leave and never look back but I don’t know how? Or am I scared ? all I know is that each time the wounds get deeper the hurt lasts longer and the recovery time takes forever.
Hello gizzard,
As a therapist you know, that the first step for solving a problem is to realize, that you have a problem. So good for you that you realize, that you have a problem so you can try different “strategies” to solve it.
What you can’t do or it’s even wrong to try to do it is to project to your partner, that he has some issues. People have make their job to find and realize, what are their issues and after that if they have a will to work on resolving the issues. We can’t project to our partners, that they have issues, because this is their business. Of course we can address the issues, but we should not have the mind set, that we can fix them. It’s their choice.
I think, that the insecurity and fear are not so bad, these are the things, that keep us from the crap when we are weak and confused.
Hope that the readers here can help with some advices, but the rest should be achieved by you 🙂
Good luck 🙂
I’m here in a very similar situation. The guy thinks he’s being honest or joking. But I really dislike what he’s saying. He seems to think I live in a fantasy world where people can’t act better than he does. We argue it now a lot and he can never say sorry or admit to how he contributes to to anything.
I think the part in your story that stuck out at me was that you are miserable, he has shown you that he’s ok with things the way they are, and you’re not the better version of of ourself with him. Even though you empathize with him, it doesn’t mean it’s a great match for you.
Wow!
Really learned a harsh lesson yesterday; was called an a$$hole, a dinosaur, and weak. A colleague threw me out of his office for trying to explain my point. Very ugly, vicious. Accused of “screwing over my students”: I who personally tutored a cancer patient so she’d graduate, made special arrangements so a burn victim could finish her coursework, found emergency funds for a veteran who, due to VA slowness, was in danger of being evicted, and not having enough food; even arranged for free veterinary care for her dog, I assisted the vet. My unspeakable crime? Not putting my materials on our college software platform and doing things the “old” way and explaining to a student present, in a respectful way, why I do this. I am a strictly “hands-on” instructor. My class handouts are long and intricate: my students are lost if they forget to print them out themselves in order to keep up, take notes. Course schedule is very tight due to state requirements. My students and I are to “get with the program” and use tablets, high end smartphones; totally ignoring the fact that most of our student body is disadvantaged and many have none of these things, and often no home computer or home internet. I myself find it cumbersome and slow to grade and comment on line as I have easily strained eyes and no home internet myself. So much for academic freedom. Behavior I’d expect from folks in the trashiest of bars, not educated and allegedly dignified colleagues. Really brought home that I have no place here. No one, and I mean NO ONE should be chastised for stating an opinion in a respectful and calm way even though others may disagree. Our classrooms and the way we teach should be sacred ground. Came to this morning’s meeting fighting tears. Really down and feeling trapped: Like I stated earlier, I am writing off my life if I stay because I am guaranteed to be alone for good. If I leave, the mortgage company will take a good chunk of my retirement and I will be destitute and therefore undesirable and yep, alone for good. There’s no way to pay off the house debt, what’s left of my “dad” bills, without staying long enough for home values to rise, as even if I was able to get a new job I’d be making half my current salary. Really wanted to retire with my health still intact, learn new things, do new things, meet functional people, marry again, and not have to eat cat food. Leaving now will take that away. Don’t know what to do. Truly feel like just bailing from society for good or even ending it. None of these are a “normal” I am willing to accept. Will keep working on the house with the expectation that this is my last year here and doing my damn well bat to serve students in a way that works for me and for them. Sorry to piss, moan, rant, but Holy S!@#, this is awful and now, unfortunately, BR is truly my only family.
Noquay, the guy at work is an assh*le. There’s excuse for his behavior. I repeat, I’m glad to hear you’re now contemplating moving. All options have good and bad elements. Where you are now you can be a woodswoman, love your critters, and work as an academic. Unfortunately though, from how you describe things, it seems that the down side is that you are in a community where you have very little chance of ever finding someone to share your life with. At some point the tipping point will come. Just keep preparing for that moment and all be well. You’re a very capable intelligent woman. You wont let yourself down. You haven’t yet right?
Teach. ~hugs~
Thanks Teach, this was TWO guys, one of which was the AC. I have been contemplating leaving and have been applying for jobs for quite some time. I can never be an urban person, however, but maybe I can get some sort of trash trailer OE something, keep the critters there and sleep in the woods, coming there daily to tend animals, shower, etc. This is what I had to do in the first awful place I rented here, couldn’t sleep for all the racket by the drunken neighbors. Maybe some day I can find housing that I am not ashamed of, can sleep in, then I can date again. I’ve winter camped, slept outside in sub zero temps for years, no problema. I can sleep in a tent, outside, or in a yurt. So long as the critters are OK, my own comfort means nothing so long as I am able to sleep without constant noise from traffic, other peoples TVs etc. So long as I can shower daily, launder my clothes, life is good. One of the jobs is 100 miles away from real home, that would be ideal. I could get someone to tend my farm, go home weekends, eventually spending my time on the farm, going to the town to teach part time when I retire. I already have a social circle there, well read environmentally committed progressives. The two other places are highly progressive, smaller places in the Midwest and the Southeast. Asking the Creator for guidance here big time. I have known for quite some time that the current situation is untenable; I don’t care if this sounds entitled, whatever, but I too deserve love, functional community, and no one dammit, is gonna call me foul, juvenile names nor tell me how to teach.
“Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.”
-Carl Bard
“Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.”
— John Wooden
“Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.”
~~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.”
— Will Rogers
“The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.”
~~ Albert Einstein
These are awesome!!!
Also one you might find helpful:
“In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.”
– Theodore Roosevelt
Awesome aticle, just THANK YOU
Sounds like a plan Noquay. My only concern is your personal safety sleeping in yr car or tent etc (self defence for women instructor / martial artist in me coming out here). I’m sure you’ve thought of that though & have it covered. Stay the course Noquay, as I know you will. And as you say, tap into the Creator. I’m doing a bit of tapping into something similar atm. More hugs. x
Timely as always, what sticks in my mind the most is whenever I was degraded by some guy? They were always so unhappy with everything around them when I was with them, Nothing you do or say can make them happy, loosing 50 pounds, getting tan toned and trim wont do the trick, or 101 positions or anything like that either, it is what it is – they are unhappy and you better not get happy becasue if you are they see it as mocking them to do that rather being happy for you!!
Reading this brought back memories of childhood and has me thinking… how can I make a new normal for myself? Have I ever seen it in my life?
Having been the oldest daughter of an alcoholic father, our family was used to having to bow to my father’s needs above all and angry outbursts and dreaded “family meetings” that reminded us of our unworthiness. Then, married young to (surprise) an alcoholic man and after much emotional abuse and a lot that needed healing, divorced.
Much of that time has been healed through work on myself and the love and care I found in my current marriage, at least the first. Fast forward about 10 years and I sense a distance and point it out and am shut down -he doesn’t want to talk about it – nothing is wrong. In the middle of this, while pregnant with our 2nd child, he has a female “friend” who feels it’s ok to call him. I told him she goes or I do…he hesitatingly lets her go.
Fast forward another 10 years, we’ve had some happy times, yet still an undercurrent that we’re not working on things, just shoving it under the rug. I hold on because the kids are teens and my parents are sick and I’m caring for them. He starts a friendship with a younger woman at work and at one point in the middle of my overwhelm with caring for parents and children – he says he wants to stay married to me but to have an open marriage – to make ME happier. (Why not counseling?) BTW, he’s already got his gf lined up. How nice…
Emotionally stunned and gutted, I angrily tell him “do whatever you like and I will too”. I spent 3 months dating men (you can bet I was NOT a wonderful date), hoping to make him jealous, didn’t happen. Quit doing that to concentrate on helping our children to launch. We agree to be separated.
Now, a year and a half later, I live in half the house and he in the other and our children are still here. It feels as if we are all extremely stuck. To divorce would force us to sell a business and split it (putting family members out of a job). I’ve been out of the work world while home schooling our children and fear being financially destitute.
Reconciliation talks are dead (he wants me back in a marriage in every way and tries to win me back) and yet he won’t let her “friendship” go (even without sex between them – I want her OUT of my life completely) and I won’t accept it – because I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO. And I’ve told him this so many times…no, there is no US with this third person in the picture.
It’s not angry at home and it’s also not happy and healthy. I do as much as I feel I must to make things “pleasant” in the house (including allowing him to hug me) and being friendly (to keep him from acting pissy around the house). And there is the problem! It’s sending a mixed message to him.
I am making things “pleasant”, being a people pleaser, feeling like a doormat. I still do the wifely things around the house but have no romantic relationship. I don’t want it to be uglier in the house for the kids and yet I very much realize that I’m not teaching them how to handle this properly either. My fear of the future as an unemployed 54 year old has me terrified into just making do. If it’s what I must do, fine. Still, I’d love to hear what options others have.
I’m working on just loving me so much that anyone else is just a nice addition – not a necessity. I have counseling now and continue to try to find a career job as that would help with my financial fears. So, I’m working toward walking away from this insanity a baby step at a time.
Open to suggestions….
All you have been doing in REALITY is teaching your kids how to accept a crappy unsatisfactory relationship! STOP thinking your kids #1 NEED this utter BS they dont and they are NOT gonna break and neither would you if you just pack and leave it, why NOT teach them by example NOT to accept third parties into a marriage? Even being there to worry about mixed signals is a waste of life that could be spent relaxing, That is not relaxing, sorry but to hell with him completely your not his mommy.
When I read the following:
“You have to decide what’s permissable and acceptable to you and there you will encounter people who can’t take your normal; that’s okay. They can jog along. It’s not your job to try to raise them from the ground up. Learning to recognise unhealthy behaviour and dynamics is crucial for giving you confidence in your internal compass and the biggest indicator is familiarity”.
… it reminded me so much of when I went into therapy, with a brilliant psychotherapist. Julia taught me something incredibly valuable, something I treasure every day… “It’s not your fault that you weren’t given a tool box and a manual to deal with the trauma from your past and those who treated you so badly… we’re going to sit down together and hopefully you’ll gain new tools and you will be able to build your own manual, so that you can better identify those situations that are no good for you and how to decide best to deal with them without hurting yourself”.
That’s also how I see Baggage Reclaim, it’s one of the tools in my bag that I use when something pops up, and when I feel unable to recognise what it is, I flip through here and usually find the “key” or something that gently nudges me back to where I need to be. For me, the life lesson is not to return to self sabotage – I did this for 20 years and it’s horrifying when you wake up, yet it’s empowering if you can trust your new tools. One of my other lessons is to take new friendships very very slowly and not to blindly trust that they automatically have the same values that I have. Those are the two BIGGIES (!)and I am so thankful that Baggage Reclaim exists. x