It’s so hard when I witness someone who keeps throwing themselves in the front line of pain by repeatedly returning to a toxic relationship or not leaving it. It’s not just because I’ve done it myself and it felt like a gradual exorcism of the past I’d veered between burying and blaming me for; it’s because of what it means when you’re in this situation:
That you just don’t love or like yourself that much.
The amount that you don’t like and love you is directly proportionate to how much you claim to like and love the other party.
Everything is riding on this person and it’s a vicious cycle of, “Yes, treat me this badly because I’m worthless and deserve it [because of everything I believed about myself even before you came along]”, and “No, treat me better. Change for me so that I stop being in pain from what you’re doing to me and from what I’m doing to myself by being with you. You can’t just up and leave and be with someone else after everything I’ve sacrificed and after everything you’ve put me through”, and so the pain continues.
The thing is, this just isn’t what a relationship or love for that matter, is all about. Pain, sure, but definitely not love.
You need to part ways.
It is painful, horrific actually in some ways, and downright ‘inconvenient’ when you consider everything you’ve done, everything you’ve suffered through, and the ‘dream’ you have for this person, this relationship, and you, but you need to part ways.
It doesn’t matter who does it but please, whoever does, grab the exit. No, you don’t know what’s in front of you (us humans never do anyway) but better to be experiencing the clean pain of grieving the loss and recalibrating so that you heal and become more of who you are, than the ‘dirty’ pain of remaining in the toxic relationship.
You each represent something to the other that neither of you can really be around. It reflects what remains unresolved from your pasts.
The mistake is assuming that what someone is doing to you is because of you (something about you or something you said or did), and while there’s no doubt that not liking and loving you and the consequences of that (lack of boundaries) provides a fertile ground for this type of relationship, it’s not the cause of the effect (their behaviour and the totality of the relationship).
Sure, you have little or no boundaries but even if you had The Best Boundaries Ever TM, they would be who they are, just not with you.
Love doesn’t make you less of who you are or cause you to languish in deep pain while you massacre yourself on the relationship. Old unresolved wounds, deep pain, long-standing patterns–that’s what causes this.
Blaming you for other people’s behaviour is a trap because you act from a place of believing that you could have done something to prevent what they’re doing. You’re just not that powerful–I hope that if you were, that you’d use your powers for wiping out poverty, war and disease. And you know what? You can’t change their pattern and their past.
You’re in pattern, they’re in pattern.
Two people who are throwing their own unconsciousness at each other and dancing through a painful pattern.
Sure, it can feel ‘special’ to decide that they’re only like this with you or that they’ve been worst with you, but they didn’t just fall out of the sky into 2016 and get ‘provoked’ into being ‘like this’ for you.
They’re just a stand-in for who you weren’t originally able to get whatever it is that you’re looking for.
They don’t like and love themselves either, even if they carry on as if they’re the centre of the universe. They’re that way because they don’t like and love themselves and it’s their carefully constructed, habitual framework of thinking and behaviour that’s helped them to cope (but isn’t healthy). At some point they’ve vowed that they will ‘never something’ again and you’re bearing the brunt of that.
Every time you tell this person that you love them, that you want them, that you miss them, that you’re sorry for what they’ve done, and that you’ll do anything to be with them/have them back, you’re actually reinforcing all of the underlying reasons for their own self-dislike and self-hatred.
They know that they have not ‘earned’ that love. They know that they have not treated you well and that you are mistreating you to prop them up.
You’re giving them a Get Out of Jail Free Card for avoiding responsibility, again.
Be your true self and they’d give you a hard time and blame you for their discomfort. Obey them to the letter and they’d give you a hard time and rip on you for not having enough self-respect or claim that you’re ‘not doing it right’. They behave badly and you call them on it or express any form of discomfort, and it becomes about their discomfort with your reaction. What the what now?
The relationship has to end sooner rather than later, because by doing so, you’re forced to confront the pain that’s driven you to this person and to this relationship. You take responsibility for you instead of blaming you ‘for them’ and then trying to get them to make you feel better about it.
It’s also because they have their own journey to make. Depending on their backstory, they might, through the pattern of their relationships ending, be forced into confronting their pain and addressing their issues. It’s possible that they’ll experience very difficult and painful consequences that curtail them.
But there are also some people who walk amongst us who don’t know how to love and in fact cannot love because they don’t have empathy.
Their ‘task’ in life is forcing people who don’t like and love themselves, who over-empathise and who ‘over-feel’, to like, love, empathise and feel for themselves.
They teach people who think it’s their ‘job’ to make people love them and who have personalised what parents, caregivers and others have done or failed to do earlier in life, that it is not about them and to take responsibility for themselves so that they can live their lives with empathy, compassion, tolerance, love, care, trust, respect, and integrity.
Without these experiences, as painful as they are, you would be bumbling around blind to the pain, untrue stories, and habits that are holding you back not just from being who you truly are, but also from being in a mutually fulfilling loving relationship.
You would continue the pattern and keep wondering what’s wrong with you.
If being with someone has forced you to confront every ugly thought and feeling that you’ve been stuffing you and persecuting you with, as painful as it is, be thankful that it’s out. You are in the process of liberating you.
Your thoughts?
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Thanks Natalie, I needed to read that today. I have been beating myself up a lot lately for not being over the pain of ending a toxic romantic relationship. Then I beat myself up for beating myself up lol. Some days are better than others. Today has been one of the “other “days. I am working to remain grateful for the growth and the lessons learned. But I must confess most days involve many tears and a feeling of shame and embarrassment for allowing myself to be treated so poorly. I keep telling myself it is okay to accept myself completely and that I am not the first and I won’t be the last, this is a process and I should be proud that I began the process of choosing me. I tell myself that I have survived heart break before and each one helped me to become a better me. I have to stop believing the lies and start believing that better is out there and that I deserve it. Much love and thanks.
Beautifully put. I know these feelings too. Big hug.
Thanks I needed one
Here’s another hug. The light is on, you just have to adjust your eyes to it now.
Karen, thanks for the words of encouragement.
Hi, Renata. That feeling of shame and embarrassment will disappear when you accept that loving yourself also requires that you learn to forgive yourself. Real forgiveness. Self Forgiveness. When you can easily say “I made a mistake because I did not value ME.” Emphasis on the *I*.
Valuing ourselves has become twisted in this social-media society. We think it’s about “winning the bachelor” ….beating out the “other contestants for the prize of his attention”. Looking for someone else or something else to prove our value. And that will always leave you empty.
Most of us, when we were heavily involved with our particular AC, most of us would forgive him almost anything…… but yet we can’t forgive ourselves?? That is whack! We were so ready to absolve him of anything, to keep him on that pedestal, because he was our whole means of validation – as in If it wasn’t for him, my life would have no meaning. Wrong. Wrong. WRONG!
This is so true . I think I have spent twice the length of my epiphany relationship recovering from it because it took me a long time to start forgiving myself. I evolved from putting all the blame on my EUM-ex to finally seeing how my own emotional unavailability contributed and got stuck there for a few years because I hadn’t forgiven myself yet and was still tryna make up for it without admitting I made a mistake. I made a few superficial changes to myself but craved to go back to my ex and show him my new “improved” self and make up for the things I had lacked before I even knew I lacked them. Although I was more aware, I was still in pattern and he was still who he was. I even thought finally being able to label what my childhood has been from reading BR would some how magically make my family change in the present day and I was met with the cold reality that my parents ( as much as they love me) are still who they are no matter how many new fancy words I learned to describe them.
Everything blew up in my face again even after I had found what I thought was the explanation, but after that second break up , the real work started.
A lot of my first round of BR reading was identifying who I needed to forgive and my second, third and for as long as I need reminders in this form re-readings of this blog will be helping me with how to forgive myself , how to forgive my parents, how to attend to my younger self, how to grow myself up, how to give myself as much slack and compassion as I gave others.
You described a situation I am currently struggling with- the failed relationship, the improvements that ensue and that craving to show your ex how much ‘better’ you are now that you were before! It’s been 2 years and I still can’t get over being ghosted, although I’m too proud to find him and ask for an explanation, let alone a second chance.
It’s interesting, though, what you said about him ‘remaining who he was’- my mind says ‘good riddance’, my feelings have another kind of say on the matter.
Renata,
I can relate to where you are at right now. I was in a toxic relationship for years. I did a lot of blaming myself, as well as letting myself get sucked back into the cycle of toxicity. Go No Contact all the way, take care of yourself, and get a lot of support. You, and your whole world is about to transform into something more beautiful than you can imagine. You’re got this! Don’t be hard on yourself. Everything will be revealed as to how you ended up in that situation unconsciously. I’ve been out of my situation for years, and still have epiphanies when dealing with dysfunctional family members. They always provides even more clarity on why I unconsciously made the choice to be with someone who was so terrible to me. I’m so proud of you for waking up and breaking a pattern. As I said before, you’ve got this!
Amen!
Hi Natalie,
I think you’ve just illustrated the pattern so many of us fall into during and after breakups. I can 100% relate. I’ve been in those toxic relationships – those abusive ones. I felt the shame and embarrassment you expressed. Everyone thought I was “stronger than that.” And, I wanted to be “stronger than that.” But, ask yourself, “stronger than what?” Stronger than human? Because each of those emotions you feel are those of a human being that has experienced hurt, betrayal and disappointment. And, there is absolutely no shame in that.
Your crime was not being treated badly – that was his crime. That’s his shame to carry – not yours. And, whether he carries that shame or not, is not your concern. Your concern is you, your healing, your self-love, your growth, your purpose, and your forward movement in your journey. What a beautiful concern to have 🙂 What a fulfilling concern to have!!
Yes, forgive yourself for not showing up for yourself. And, understand, that you have a chance to make it up to yourself. You do this by being there for yourself now. Be that comforting friend that you need – for yourself. Listen to what you are feeling and do it without judgment. You are human. One of the best gifts you can give yourself is the permission to be that.
So, allow yourself the good and the bad days. If you need to cry – cry. I learned to stop viewing my tears as my weakness – instead I viewed it as me shedding my weakness because I always felt so much stronger after I allowed myself to release whatever led to those tears.
When you’re ready dig deep and do the work of rediscovering the worth and beauty that you wanted that relationship to validate. Discover, embrace, honor, and protect it for yourself. Put the ownership of that job back into your own hands – where it will be the safest. Yes, this is part of the process and I can tell that you are embracing it.
One day, what was meant to bring you down will be the very thing to lift you and others up. I found the power in my story and as you continue to work through your process, you will find and use the power in yours (if you haven’t started already 😉 ) Be blessed!
I’m sorry…I meant to say “Hi Renata!!” My apologies 🙂
Thank you
Dear Zenobia,
I found your reply to Renata so empowering, uplifting and full of wisdom.
Thank you kindly
Wendy
I am feeling the exact same way. Beating myself up and feeling oh so stupid for getting in this position/pattern again! I’m trying very hard to look at it as a blessing to be out and hopefully on my way to a healthier, happier me. This website and all the comments from women/men really help me to not feel so alone. Thanks so much.
Agreed- very well put! I feel your pain.
This is a journey I had a long time ago! I like to call it soul searching. Because sometimes being with certain people force you to look at YOURSELF! Never thought I had issues until I dealt with the Ex-Eum. When I woke up and realized no matter what I did it wasn’t going to work because he was not the right person for ME! Being nice got me no where and being mean got me no where so this meant I needed to walk away. He needed to work himself and I didn’t have the time or energy to help him. Besides it wasn’t my job to make him a better man. He was who he was and I could never be the type of woman he wanted cause he could NEVER be the type of man I wanted.
Wow! Good for you, Sam. I’ve been through the same, for years with someone. It just happened to be the right timing, and right friendships in my life, to help me walk away completely. As I started to know my worth and really elevate my self esteem, I wasn’t attracted to him anymore. And that attraction, is what kept me going back. It’s not even that he was all that, either, something about him just made me weak! And I put him on a pedestal. No more. Those days are over.
It’s amazing how different they look to us after we’ve done some soul searching and realize that the “clean” pain is much healthier and leading to having an actual ‘life’ than the “dirty” pain, it’s the road to nowhere.
BEST POST EVER. Natalie, this cut to my core. MY experience down to the last detail, in YOUR words (still amazes me after being a loyal BR follower for years how well u know me, lol!) You know you’ve saved me thousands in therapy, right? So sorry I have to miss u when you’re finally in NY. Would have loved to give u a hug and a heartfelt thank you for all u are and all you’ve done. I would not have come as far as I have without you. I resisted leaving a toxic relationship for 5 years that I knew was damaging me from the start. Like Renata’s post, I feel exactly as she does. Two steps forward, one step back. But it beats going nowhere but further down the rabbit hole for years!
Couldn’t agree more, seriously the best post ever! I honestly don’t have words as the truth of this is all around me…. Nat, you and these ladies are amazing. Such sound advice and solidarity. Hugs to all x
Thank you for this … its timing and wisdom feels life-altering for me. Although the pain I’m in at the moment is excruciating, reading this is invaluable in helping me have the courage to move on from my toxic relationship with gratitude to the universe for pushing me forward.
thank you so much, natalie.
xoxo
This. Exactly.
In the long, drawn out, tedious process of trying to disentangle myself from this very same after 2 1/2 years of the most painful “relationship” of my life. It’s especially hard as we’re expecting next month.
I’ve moved out which has given me some more breathing room and space but still no boundary seems to exist for him. He now expects that this will be his 2nd home and even wants me to set up a permenant bed for his first son – without contributing at all though…obviously.
He wants to come by when ever he so pleases, not contribute to the household practically or financially, not have to sleep over (he’d never share a bed), not have to be involved with my friends and family, not have to commit to any plans ever, or be held accountable for anything he says (even if he’s just said it)…and this is his idea of a “relationship”. He’s happy with that and doesn’t see why I wouldn’t be.
It’s *so so hard* to give up the dream, and he can be so *amazing* much of the time, but I’m letting go as best I can while having to maintain contact for the sake of the baby. But I see a lot of conflict in the near future as I try to inforce basic boundaries: my surname for baby, child support, no you do not live here and will have to arrange visits, etc….
Sigh :/
Emmy, it will be hard, but focus on the little one and you will be fine. Otherwise, you will be baby-exhausted and ex-shenanigans exhausted all the live-long day.
Set boundaries, even if they seem silly ones (he must call first, no popping round without warning, no eating all the food up, no taking resources for himself). If you have to, start saying to him on a regular basis, “That is for the baby,” “I was saving that for the baby,” “This is for the baby too,” and “Sorry, but my energy now needs to go to the baby.” He will eventually get the picture that he is second class citizen and that the baby will and should be your first priority.
If he chooses the no support route, tell him that the locks can also be changed, that you have juuussst enough money left over in the till to do that, his choice….Good luck for everything and blessings to the little one.
Thanks so much. More helpful than you know 🙂
Hi Emmy,
Remember that you have other options than keeping the baby and raising it as a single mum. I have cred to speak to this. I was given up for adoption and it all worked out beautifully.
Your man’s MO sounds rather like mine who I just divorced…the hardest, most painful thing I’ve ever done, but it had to be done for both of our sakes.
My biological mother looked me up and found me just as I was preparing to move to Japan where I met the man I just divorced. She has been one of my best friends ever since then, but just passed away a little over a month ago. For some strange reason, that brought her even closer to me — got me to realise just how much she had given to me by giving me up so that she could be her best and have so much impact on so many other people instead of struggling as a single mom. Big hugs and lots of good vibes to you!
I’m really sorry to hear you’re going through this Emmy – especially when you’re so close to giving birth. This should be a happy, stress free time filled with last minute preparation, and excitement at the prospect of meeting your baby.
Whilst I would never advise you to go no contact with him (he deserves a chance to be a father if he wishes to do so), I agree with Adele’s sentiments about putting you and your child first. I know it’s easier said than done, I’ve watched many of my friends struggle to strike the right balance with their baby’s fathers (together as well as separated).
Tiredness, hormonal fluctuations, feeling vulnerable, lonely or in need of support – may well hamper your ability to remain strong and stand by your decision.
Please, whatever you do, don’t allow him to bust your boundaries or ingratiate himself into your good books again. You primary focus is baby and you! Don’t allow him to spoil what should be an amazing time for you as a new mum.
I wish you all the best, and hope to hear about your new baby soon. xxx
:,)
Thank you
Hey Emmy sorry that you are having to deal with stress at such a wonderful time but just wanted to chip in as although my situation is a bit different from yours I found out I was pregnant after the ex had done one of his short lived disappearing acts and now 2 yrs on we only communicate in regards to the child, it’s not ideal in that he doesn’t have suitable accommodation so it’s not exactly dual parenting and his life hasn’t changed still has all the freedom but it is what it is. I wouldn’t go no contact with your ex but low contact definitely , no keys etc just him seeing his child at a time and place prior arranged. Good luck with your pregnancy 🙂
Good luck Emmy! I have a 2 year old with my ex and it’s been difficult. He sounds a lot like yours. He wouldn’t share the bed and would contribute financially. He hated being around my family and friends and he did whatever he wanted to do. When my baby was 4 months old, I got tired of the bull and let him go only to let him return. He put me through so many things and has never really helped out with our daughter. I can count on one hand the amount of times he’s helped financially within these 2 years. He would play the stupid games with me about wanting to come over and spend time with/watch our daughter. At the beginning of this year, I had enough and went no contact. Recently, he contacted me on fb and that was a mess as well. Keep your head up in this situation and set firm boundaries. I let my ex tear boundaries down even when we weren’t together by allowing him to spend the night and come over whenever he pleased. That’s just not healthy for a toxic relationship. He hasn’t seen me or our baby in about 5 months and I have more peace now than ever. I am still working on forgiving myself. I cry a lot about the decisions I made to stick with him over the years although he treated me bad and I blame myself for this horrible father my daughter now has. I know I should stop blaming myself but it’s hard. I feel bad for my baby. Although she’s 2 and doesn’t understand, it pains me for when she will. I just pray that she will have a solid childhood regardless. Good luck to you Emmy!
NML, this is literally one of your best. And I’ve been a devoted BR reader for years. This is so dead-on and brilliant.
I hung on to a toxic relationship for years. Hoping that he would see my worth, and be a better man. I finally saw my worth and became a better woman. It took a lot of research, therapy, new supportive friendships, this blog, and just finding that strength inside of me to just leave. No FB stalking, blocked his number, blocked him from FB, my email… And keeping it that way. I used to feel guilty when I’d block him, like I was being mean, or I was wrong. I was neither. I was trying to stop the unhealthy pattern of behavior. Because nothing would’ve changed. Like the above poster said. I could be nice, mean, leave, come back, wouldn’t make a damn bit of a difference. I needed to save myself, my life and start to see what living life was all about. My last communication with him, I told him exactly why I could no longer be in it anymore. I didn’t blame, or argue. And I said goodbye. He replied and blamed me, said some mean things… And left it as like this was ‘no big deal’, and this was just another fight that I started. He was wrong. Because for me, it really was the end.
If I didn’t do the healing and building up my worth while still involved with him, it probably would’ve been more painful at the end.
Natalie, I swear I was just thinking about writing to you on this very topic.
From 2013 off and on to 2015, I survived the most malignant, sadistic, covert narcissist’s emotional abuse in the history of bad lesbian romance.
After (I’ll call her) Vitch made me feel like a genius and a flawless goddess who just won the lottery, once she made me fall for her and I said the worst three words one can say to a narcissist (I love you), she robbed me of every positive emotion and remaining speck of sanity I had, then she cast me aside and went back to her platonic-only lump of a wife. Her only apparent assets were codependency and Stockholm Syndrome-level obedience, but Vitch had to have both. I may be nuts, but obedient I have never been.
But I was left gutted. I knew then I had to choose between suicide and healing. The only reason I chose healing was to one day make good on my threat to write a tell-all book about Vitch. Never piss off a journalist & former stand-up comedian, I used to tell her, during one of our five times a week fights.
I had been with her before, off and on from 2000-2003, but I had forgotten all but a few details when we got back in touch 10 years later.
After she dumped me the final time, I already knew I had triple whammy PTSD and a virulent case of amnesia, so I knew I had to get a therapist as a safety net and drag myself back to childhood to locate the exact moment when I realized I was unwanted, unworthy of love, and admit to myself I was basically raised by wolves.
After a very frisky 4th of July party my parents attended on the beach in Baja, California in 1952, mom got knocked up and had me nine months later when she was age 40. They had already had two planned kids, a son and a daughter, 10 and 7 years earlier, so mom thought her childbearing days were over. This pregnancy was a 1950’s grin and bear it situation for her, but I doubt there was much grinning. She loved her career and the freedom it brought her, so the minute after she gave birth, she swaddled me up and basically threw me at my sister as she rushed back to her office.
Almost to this day, my sister still blames me for ruining her childhood.
I learned quickly that to survive in that wolf pack, I had to be self sufficient, entertaining, quick to please, low maintenance and resilient.
My preschool let out two hours earlier than my siblings’ big kid school, so I was a latch key child from 2 p.m. to 4 p.m.. At age 4, the man next door seized the opportunity and started molesting me. I accidentally mentioned it when mom was bathing me one evening, and the avalanche it started brought me more attention in three weeks from my parents, the cops, the judges, etc. than I had had all my life.
My testimony was admitted and they threw him in prison.
Back then, the solution to surviving a trauma like that was for me and the entire family to never mention it again. I had already imposed enough on my parents through all that drama–almost a whole month–so I was determined to fade back into the woodwork and resume being their people pleaser and jolly little family clown.
That moment in time I went back to find so I could stop attracting assclown emotional vampires like Vitch? I found it.
Very simply, really.
After the dust settled and our lives “went back to normal” my parents continued to expect me stay alone as a latch key child for two hours a day.
I was so scared of meeting another pedophile outside, I spent the next year hiding under the bed for two hours a day.
As an adult reviewing that memory, I felt so angry, hurt, resentful and in such emotional agony, something came over me and I snapped out of it. I took a deep breath and knew at once: even if I did a half-assed job of loving, protecting and re-parenting myself from then on, it would be an improvement.
It’s been quite an amazing time since then. I journal a lot and write about the same bitchy things over and over. One day, I may get bored with it. One day I may write that book I threatened to write. I did add a board to Pinterest that helps other abuse victims learn the symptoms to watch out for. I alson assessed everyone I knew and threw every user, liar, rat and phony “friend” out of my life. I suspect Vitch is afraid to ever contact me again after I told her wife how she lied and said the marriage was platonic to seduce me, then I sent the wife a copy of the book, “75 things your narcissist doesn’t want you to know.”
As a grand finale, I also told my sociopath sister to drop dead.
The last time she got as far as, “…ruined my childhood,” I butt in and said, “Go to the cemetery and take it up with mama you, fu**ing moron. I didn’t make that call, I was a goddamn BABY back then.” She spent more than 60 years getting even with me for “ruining her childhood,” and that was because she was too passive aggressive and chickenshit to take it up with my mother. Too bad. No soup for you!
I am feeling so much better now. I’m not 100% healed– I’m still scared to date or get too emotionally close with anyone new, but I turned that over to God and started creating a lot of new art and doing creative projects while I’m sitting around enjoying my own bad ass company.
Natalie, you are right–it is very hard work to dredge up so many frightening, humiliating and pathetic memories from the past. I’d managed to bury them all so deeply I never thought I’d have to see them again. But once I found that final missing puzzle piece (under my damn bed!), I knew the healing phase had begun.
I have been so into protecting myself as I heal, I make up new boundaries just to test them out. My latest is the law of reciprocity. If I ask someone to come over or go someplace three or four times in a row and they can’t make it and don’t attempt to reschedule some other event soon after, they get dropped to the D list, and invited only to stuff like huge fund-raisers or political events that I am not hosting.
One final note about narcissists–since they are so damn good at creating these phony baloney Phase One seductress/seducer characters, why don’t they quit while they are ahead and just be like the amazing people we fell in love with? Why don’t they pretend they aren’t cheaters and liars, and stop gaslighting us because a nice character like their phase one faker wouldn’t do that? I’ll tell you why–because they prefer the mean, heartless SOBs they are after they start to drain us, that’s why.
It may hurt to be abused by one of these creeps, but we normal people can heal, they cannot.
They have no emotions–can you imagine? Can you imagine not being able to love your child, spouse or family members?
These lizard brains would be easy to pity if they weren’t so evil and mean.
Anyway…I will never again lower myself in order to get near anyone whose love I have to wonder about.
Thanks for all you do, Natalie. You and my therapist are amazing human beings who catapulted me into emotional wellness.
thank you for you sharing your story ? Along with Nats beautifully timed post and your response I know I too can walk away from toxic people and live the life I’ve been blessed with. 53 years of being controlled, manipulated, abused and used by family & relationships is long enough for me. You too are a fabulous writer and I really resonated with your words. thank you x
should not be a ? after first sentence but and exclamation mark !! – darn auto correct lol
thank you for you sharing your story ! Along with Nats beautifully timed post and your response I know I too can walk away from toxic people and live the life I’ve been blessed with. 53 years of being controlled, manipulated, abused and used by family & relationships is long enough for me. You too are a fabulous writer and I really resonated with your words. thank you x
When visiting the cousin of my uncle’s wife and staying at his home for a few days, this jerk “host” sexually abused me three times. (To this day, I can never do a breast exam without feeling disgust against my own body; so guess what? I rarely do these exams! I jeopardize my own health because of him.)
When I returned home, I had to wait a few weeks to tell my mother–I did not want to take away from the party she had been planning and that was the reason why my uncle and his wife were visiting. I did not want to spoil anyone’s fun. The jerk knew this would happen. He, too, seized his opportunity. The first time he touched me, I thought it was an “accident”. What he was doing was he was gauging how he could get away with it (his positioning), because this sicko did it with my family present! (I won’t explain the mechanics; I don’t want other sickos like him who may be reading this blog to get any pointers!) After he touched me the second and third time, this time with the real-deal fondling, he offered a room in his huge house to my father the next morning. WHEN I WAS NOT THERE…so that my father and the rest of the family would convince me to take it. I said, “No thanks.” Thank God.
My mother believed me. It took me 1/2 hour to tell the story. I was bawling and hyperventilating on the floor when I did. I was 10.
My father did not believe me.
When I was in my early 20s and in college, he visited my house. My parents accepted him into our home. I caught them all in the basement. All I could do was give the mofo a dirty look. What did he do? SMILE IN MY FACE. He got away with it.
I have been talking about this the past week in our home. My father wants to kill me. My mother claims she remembers nothing.
At least you have parents who supported you at the worst time in your life.
My family has at least 3 girl sin it now who are between the ages of 8 to 10.
I am outing the fucker. Parents’ support or no-support.
I, too, have recently resolved to tell off the people who have been jerks in any way, shape, or form to me. DONE. I am so done with all bullshit. And I am outing them, too.
That is their biggest fear: your outing them.
Especially the biggest fear and torture for narcissists.
But you feel so good afterwards! I did, after I told my narc ex-EUM off (not in so many words; I just put him in his place when he was acting up once).
You are not their only victim. A lot of people around usually know this. And some will be happy for you when you do, finally, stand up for yourself.
I was babysitter, maid, and all-around good girl in my family for years and years. Do you think anyone appreciates any of it? Not even my mom!
Karen. Wow! You really are one brave bad assed lady. It takes a lot to share your story but it touched and inspired me as I’m sure many others. Thank you! You are shining the light in at times a very dark tunnel. X (also a karen, Belfast ????)
You are amazing with your insight and nail it every single time like no one else does. I wish I had your wisdom years ago. I had to evolve and learn the hard way. But happy to say I came through the other side and am now in a loving relationship. Keep doing what your doing.
100% yes! As soon as I read the word “toxic” I knew this would be a post that would resonate with me. It’s been over two years since I ended my 12 yr relationship and now that the fog has lifted I can honestly say I am so happy that I went through the pain of that breakup and the grieving, which lasted almost 14 months. I can look back now and ask myself “What were you thinking?” The fact was, I wasn’t thinking, nor did I want to leave him. He was all I knew and who would I be without him. I had zero self esteem because of his emotional and mental abuse. It has taken me a long time, along with therapy and medication, to finally realize that I made the BEST choice by leaving him. Being alone has been hard, but none of my growing and learning and healing would have happened if I was still in the dark cave that was my life.
To anyone reading this and wondering if you need to leave, let me tell you- the fact that you are even pondering the thought is enough to say “yes!” I wanted that man back for so long, and I didn’t hear from him for over two years, not a peep. Wouldn’t you know one night last month I get a text message from him at 12:30 am saying “Why did you give up on me?” Well someone hasn’t changed a bit. Two years later and he is still blaming me. It’s in his DNA. I haven’t responded and I won’t- he did enough damage to me. And now I’m free and couldn’t be happier. Thank you Natalie for all of your words of encouragement. <3
I have been lurking this website for a while, but never had the courage to post amongst you all. This article speaks to my current situation with a guy, and I am finding it hard to read (or rather I am trying to convince myself that the red flags aren’t real). I think I just need to hear what I already know deep down inside from an outside, neutral source.
I’ve been dating a guy for a few months. On the first date, he told me how busy his life is. He’s a recent college grad and starting his career in a startup company that requires a lot of extra hours and travel. It’s true that he does out of town often and he is busy.
He texts infrequently; there are long delays between replies ranging from hours to days. I don’t send multiple texts in between this span. I just live my life and he texts again whenever he feels. He has initiated all of the dates between us and when we are actually together, it feels good. He’s a gentleman, he’s thoughtful, protective, attentive, not looking at his phone, showing all the good signs. We have good dates, healthy conversation, we’ve talked about personal things.
But as soon as the dates are over, the sporadic messaging happens again. We are not exclusive, nor have we talked about it really, but I just feel like I should be hearing from him at least once in a 4+ days span. Or maybe I am not into the new rules. Again, I don’t bother or nag him. I simply leave the conversation where it’s at and it eventually resumes, usually with a request to see me.
We have NOT had sex or any kind of sexual contact, nor has he pushed for anything. Thoughts? Do you guys need more context from me?
He sounds like the closer you get on a date the more time he needs between dates to restore that certain acceptable level of emotional unavailability. After four months with no hint of sexual contact…I dunno.
What would happen if you asked him out and made all the plans?
I think a few months is enough time to get the measure. A feelings diary is very helpful. Do you feel terrible – anxious, powerless etc., when you’re waiting to hear from him or at the lowest point of the cycle? Are there little things he says that concern you? Chances are, he’s told you clearly who he is, perhaps in talking about his relationship history? You say the dates are healthy and open, but there is a level of dishonesty there because you’re not getting the answers you need and are not comfortable to ask the questions. This is partly what gives ‘dirty pain’ – you are giving up your power and truthfulness for him.
Do you feel rejected by the lack of sexual contact? Is it possible that he’s more interested in gaining your attention and adoration, than in progressing towards the kind of relationship you want?
Lots of questions because I don’t want to just project my experiences onto you, but if this resonates, you can know that the feelings of rejection and anxiety are so much worse when you’re in it, then when you’re out.
Dee,
you’re not getting what you want from this situation. His behaviour is casual, non involved and distant. Be thankful you’ve not had any intimacy with him.
Instead Of hanging around Waiting to end up in pain , and have him
Wreck your head, do yourself a favour and put a stop to it and move on.
I’ve been there , constantly trying to control and justify the other persons behaviour. Stop wasting your precious time and cut it and move onto a healthy happier you. Otherwise you ll be trapped in this ‘ he hasn’t done this , he’s not doing what he should be doing etc’.
I’ve learnt from all these frustrating situations you have to put yourself first and that way you make the way for a good man. Xx
Dee,
You’re not applying for an internship at this guy’s start-up so you don’t have to be afraid of “bugging” him. My first advice is to open your mouth! Tell him you would like to see him more or initiate a date yourself for once. To be fair to him, he probably thinks you’re okay with how things are because he is okay with them. If initiating things , not even mentioning frequency as you have highlighted, is a way of showing interest well…you haven’t initiated ANYTHING so far even though you’re quite pleasant on dates too so how do I know you’re even interested in him except for you saying you are here on this forum?
I think that the first few months of dating someone is when they are going to make their best effort to impress you so this is as good as it is going to get and it can only get worse! He is impressing you by being fabulous on the (few and far between) dates you go on and you are impressing him by making sure he doesn’t form an opinion of you as clingy/naggy but in trying to get someone to NOT form a negative opinion of you you limit your expression of the things that could give him ANY , including positive opinion of you. It’s been four months and I don’t think either of you are that impressed so far and it’s not because there is anything wrong with either of you; you don’t match. Forget if he is checking off the boxes on the list , forget about the rules, rather merely ask yourself , is the current situation something you can want for the next year? two years? five years? It’s only been four months and his lifestyle is wearing you out, how are you going to be when you are already in a relationship and he isn’t even trying to impress you anymore?
Of course, you could spontaneously combust into some alternate version of yourself that is more up for this or you could just be yourself and be okay with that . He isn’t the last man on earth and there are more than a few who will be able to spend more time with you. If you choose to change yourself into someone okay with not seeing her boyfriend as often as she would like cos ,hey its 2016 and us millenials are SO busy you might as well adapt or die , then stay. Give him a few more months and he will train and teach you how. And once you’ve acquired this new skill you can write a list on Buzzfeed or Thought Catalog on how to date a start-up genius called “10 ways to Let a Millenial Entrepreneur coast through your entire relationship”
p.s. I get how busy he is, I really do , I just completed a medical residency in emergency medicine and know what it’s like to live on 1-2 hours of sleep a night. But I made the choice not to enter a relationship with anyone during that time, though I went on the occasional date. Sure, it meant that when the odd weekend popped up that I wasn’t working or completely exhausted from work I had to rely on myself or my boring ( just kidding my awesome and long suffering) friends for entertainment but I am glad I never had to ask someone to sacrifice for me or take advantage of someone offering themselves as sacrifice. I still don’t have a “normal person” schedule by a long shot but now I think I can manage my schedule more around another person and am seeing someone. He works with my schedule and I work with his , I don’t expect him to live around mine and would feel uncomfortable if he did.
I took the advice to ask him out and initiate something my own. 0 response from him.
You haven’t made it to day 4… And if he responds on day 4+ then what? Good job for taking that step! That took courage. Now, take care of yourself.
Dee, I am troubled by the tone in your post. “I’m doing everything to show I’m fun/not a nag/ have no requirements of him/will run to him as soon as he’s available/…..why won’t he PICK me?”
Dee, don’t try to prop your ego up by running toward a relationship. You said that “On the first date, he told me how busy his life is.”. Girl, that is boy code for ‘don’t try to make me a boyfriend’. He has no interest in being a boyfriend. And you need to put all your expectations away. I don’t think he is misleading you. I think you are betting your hopes and dreams on the wrong horse.
Just see this for what it is. A man who is screaming loud and clear that he is only interested in casual friendship (with or without sex) and a woman who insists that everyone she dates MUST be cast as a potential boyfriend. You have opposite purposes.
I do wonder how to date casually. It seems like someone is always going to be disappointed. The one who wants to “see where things can go” is always going to be disappointed by the one who doesn’t want it to “go” anywhere.
Never a truer word spoken. Unfortunately, many of the people who need to read this haven’t discovered your blog, because they’re too busy juggling the hopelessness of their relationships.
Thank you for your wonderful blog and helpful posts. This is really the only one I follow and it rings truer than anything. It is disheartening to realize how many people have encountered heartbreak and grief because of betrayal/the partner being emotional unavailable/etc. Your insight is always so profoundly relevant and empowering.
I recently found that my boyfriend of two and a half years was on a dating site looking for someone else. All the while he told me I was the love of his life, and that he wanted marriage and family with me. He even wrote me a song (he sings beautifully) and had it copywritten (he is also a trademark attorney). It was the most beautiful act of love and it brought people to tears when they heard it. He told me I was his soulmate and perfect in every way.
He is in his late forties and not married. His dating profile says he is divorced. It says he loves to swim too. And that he is slender. None of those things are true. He can’t swim, he isn’t slender, and has never been married. That’s nice that not only does he betray me by going on this site, but then his whole profile is a big lie.
I broke up with him over the incident three months ago and blocked his number. He never made any effort to address this in person. It’s as though the whole relationship was an illusion. We traveled together, spent holidays with each other’s families, and closed down restaurants everywhere we went. We belly laughed for hours and spoke every day.
I struggle daily with rumination – I wonder why it ended in betrayal, how could he do this to me, how could I love someone so deeply who could do this to me, and so on. I have a rich, full life but since this heartbreak, everything reminds me of him somehow. I cry often and my heart physically hurts.
Please hang in there; I know this heartbreak you speak of.
Remember, this man was a mirror for you…
SS
Dani, I hear you. Did you read Nat’s post about ‘We need to talk about narcissism’? I often wondered, with more than one ex, how can someone write/ procure such moving music and be so soulless? And how can they let go so easily of such a strong spark and connection, as though it never happened? But it’s the personality that’s missing, not the soul. SS is so right about the mirror. Be emotionally available to yourself. Allow yourself to feel everything and to understand it, you are healing.
@ Dani – Oh wow – sorry to hear that.
Sounds like the guy who was in full pursuit of me behind his girlfriend’s back. I didn’t know she existed as he was after me before he met her – so he was still chasing me right from the BEGINNING of his relationship with her. I was gobsmacked when I found his gf’s FB page (took a lot of detective work but I didn’t trust him from the outset) – he certainly *looked* very happy in photos with her – here, there and everywhere. An individual capable of highly manipulative, deceitful and callous behaviour.
These narcissistic personality types are capable of running multiple relationships at once unfortunately; they compartmentalise and lead double lives. Thank God I discovered he had a girlfriend before anything progressed between us – he was putting so much energy into plotting, strategising and desperately trying to impress me at work all the time. Once I found out the truth I called him out on social media (not in a ‘naming names’ way but it was obvious what I was on about) and luckily haven’t heard from him since. He has since split with her and is onto the next victim now.
Hi Natalie,
Right on point for me today!
The guy I’m casually dating basically ignores me (when I call out on bad behavior) or magically turns it around on me for calling him out on it.
Crazy making! He does it every time!
I was recently told that this sort of behavior is very common in people with Bi Polar 2. They don’t take responsibility for anything and the manic phase is aggression instead of the high energy of Bi Polar 1.
In my experience, it’s more likely to be that the person is passive aggressive in a disordered sense
I really enjoy the blog and have also been in a revoltingly toxic ‘relationship’ that began intensely 10 years ago – but I ended it and we both married other people, had children and then reunited after my marriage ended. I only got rid of him finally yesterday but as he has moved very far away – so I can hesitantly say it’s final!
I have only one issue with the language of not loving and valuing myself or having low self esteem and self worth etc. I really do not. I understand his mad obsessive devotion to me because he is unhinged and we have a crazy sexual connection which blows us away and no other experience has matched. But we are a zillion percent unsuitable for each other outside a bedroom. This is the painful truth we both have fought against.
The behaviour I am ashamed of slightly but mostly only detachedly curious about is how I constantly lowered my threshold of what was acceptable. Basically I’ve learned about myself that I preferred to stay in this sexual drama and returned to it or reinstigated it repeatedly because I wanted the good stuff so much at those times. It was an addiction of sorts to amazing sex and feeling adored. I rationalised of how little importance it was that he had upset me so badly or by the end had sex with someone else.
I have owned up to myself I was faking the intensity of my feelings because the return was so great and that he probably was too. That this had become a pattern and a dance. An addiction we both didn’t 100% enjoy, a nonsense we couldn’t commit to.
I would end it with him on many occasions but then crave his crazy adoration and the attention. He upped the anti as incidents became more harmful by becoming verbally aggressive and nastier each time I tried to detach and that strangely seemed to excite me more, the challenge to turn hateful words back into declarations of love. I observed this with strange detachment and have concluded that I simply have been hiding from a lot of stressful painful and mediocre real issues in my own life and have focused entirely on this man and this maniac relationship as a way of distracting and preoccupying myself.
I forgive myself completely and refuse the labels of low self worth etc because I think this is how we collectively look at women who are choosing to have twisted unhealthy sexual relationships. I did it and I knew I was doing it but I didn’t want to stop. Not because I don’t love me.
I see my willingness to waste time on bullshit and my lazy need for instant gratification even when I’m hurting myself as my greatest issues to overcome. Like when I’m eating mounds of cheese and chocolate and crying because I hate getting fat…
I now have to start looking at fixing all my other problems without the shield of the constant saga of my ‘lovelife’ taking up most hours of my thinking day.
Thanks for BR – I’m glad it’s not static..we’re all moving in some direction.
Hazel, I see that you’ve not simply been a doormat and have got thrills and drama – but I think many could say this and it’s a toxic relationship because it’s harming you, just as massively over-eating is self-harm, and people who truly value themselves don’t do this. You’ve in some ways behaved like the narc male many on here talk about, but they too are coming from a place of low self-esteem. This doesn’t carry judgement or shame, that’s only in the eye of the beholder. It’s only a label if people misuse it that way. It’s an explanation for particular patterns of behaviour and a starting point for recovery, and once you identify it and stop judging youself, you can do something about it. Otherwise you can fix your problems, but will it be enough to bring the tranformations you want?
I once took up with someone truly unsuitable. I knew it. I went on. I rationalised it that since I KNEW I was doing something stupid, therefore i was taking responsibility and it was all fine. In fact, probably it was even mature! Evolved! Over time I realised that doing something stupid willingly is still just doing something stupid.
I also forgive myself. And I think that’s healthy because that relationship did a number on me – I don’t need to make it worse. But it’s a reflection of my passivity and lack of boundaries, and that’s a problem.
You have put down the feelings so accurately, most among us feel that way but don’t have the courage to express them. Thank you Natalie, your blog will help many.
I’m really struggling with this right now. My ex-boyfriend was never cruel, but never loving either. We were great friends but he always held me at arms length. Delayed replies to texts, hot/cold behaviour. Our sex life would switch between constantly being together, to weeks of nothing. We are neighbours and our kids are best friends, so it’s been a complicated breakup.
He confessed a week ago that he ended with me to pursue a relationship with someone else. But that he “loves me” because I’m his best friend and needs me in his life.
He ended with me a month and a half ago and I’m still struggling. I cry frequently, hope we will get back together even though I see he is damaging and made me feel anxious all the time. He gets upset easily so I was always trying to “keep him happy”. I know that’s not healthy but I still want him back.
I told him last night I cannot be his friend anymore, but no contact will be impossible due to our proximity and the kids. I need to accept it wasn’t me, but these feelings won’t go away. I still do think if I just act in a certain way, he will miss me and want me back. I don’t understand why I’m having such a hard time letting go…
Dear Holly,
My heart goes out to you. I want you to know how you feel is completely normal and understandable. That is a really hard situation. It’s going to take a lot of time to heal from this. It’s not going to be easy but it is best. Eventually you will be thankful. It hasn’t been very long for one so you need to give yourself a break. As I said, it’s completely normal how you feel. Healing is a slow process but know that the pain will subside, slowly but surely. In the mean time you have to be loving and supportive to yourself, cherish your kids as always. We are here for you.
I’m having a hard time.. It’s been 6 months since my toxic ex left me for the last time after my birthday dinner with my family. We work at the same office, luckily on different floors. She moved on to another man a month after we broke up, introducing him to her kids right away after 3 years of me being in the picture. Replacing what our relationship was almost instantly. I have so many notes I wrote while with her how bad I felt with her at times, usually hiding my face in her bathroom because it would make her angry seeing me upset. Sent home with tears in my eyes relying on my family to consolidate me, only to run right back to her at her becking call to try and feel redeemed from her yet ashamed to my family. All that mattered to me was her being happy with me. Seemed I was always doing something she did not like and I could not help but feel shame. I was always trying to learn from my mistakes. I loved her telling me I was amazing.. I didn’t feel amazing a lot of the times though. I loved basically everything about her except how I felt about myself with her so often. I was always on guard, make sure I don’t walk in front of her, don’t have my hair too flat on the sides. Such a relationship of pain and misery.. Only time I felt confident and totally secure was when we made love. Yet here I am, 6 months later feeling like my world still revolves around her and she’s not even in it (or should I say I’m not in hers since my life basically revolved around her and her kids). I do need to thank her for getting me in the best shape of my life.. The gym has been my only escape.
Thanks for reading. My heart goes out to all.
-j
J it seems we have had some similar feelings. Walking on eggshells so as not to upse our partners, always wondering which person will show up at the door (so to speak). And of course, knowing deep down something was wrong, but still wanting that relationship back when it ends.
I hope these past few weeks have you feeling a bit stronger; you’re right it is such a long and painful process. I wish these moments didn’t exist in life, but you and I need to feel the hurt and the pain so we can forgive ourselves and move on. I’m still struggling daily with mine, but we can get through this
Xo
Hi I have a question regarding fast forwarding and how to recognise it. I understand that moving things too quickly is a sign but how about texting – is someone texting you everyday a bad sign?
Hi, marie83,
I don’t know about texting everyday (although it personally wouldn’t be my preference in a very new relationship), but what I have learned is a red flag is someone you barely know (or are just getting acquainted with) blowing up your phone constantly in the very early stages of a relationship/getting acquainted. I recently had to cut ties with someone (luckily he was barely an acquaintance, so there wasn’t that much of a fallout) for this reason, as well as other red flags. I’ve experienced this sort of thing with guys in the past and it’s almost never a good sign. I hope this helps.
~ Freedom
If the texting isn’t followed with ‘doing’ then yes! I had one of these and started to believe that all the texting was the development of a relationship. On reflection it was all done by text because he (and me too if I’m brutally honest) was scared of commitment. It *might* be that he is super keen on you (which is flattering!) but if it’s mainly texts with no desire to make concrete plans…… Well……. Be wary. Texting is a great option for a quick message but it’s a lazy way to have a conversation.
I was in a very toxic relationship with a man for many years and 2 years ago broke free.
Stayed by myself for roughly 18 months and now have a wonderful man, who treats me with love, respect,cares about me and my son.
And to think I really did believe all the GOOD guys were nonexistent.
A person can attain love and respect in a relationship only when he possess enough love and respect for him in his own eyes. We have to accept that there are good and bad, highs and lows in relationships and there is no point staying in such a relation that is not allowing us to breathe freely. Love yourself and remove those people from your life that don’t love and respect you for who you are.
The timing of this article is so on point, that I declare its been sent from God himself… To finally give me the wake up call as well as the insight and strength I need to not only move on from my short lived marriage, but to also start having some faith in ME!
I can’t describe the deep, dark gnawing feeling I’ve had in the pit of my stomach all the years I’ve been with him, but I naively believed his words ( but his actions screamed otherise) because I wanted to believe them. I was so in denial and went out of my way to not ask for the truth for fear of upsetting him. But that’s how it was. He’d be upset if I emailed him how I was feeling and needed to talk (as I hate conflict so the written word was easier for me), so I would text him instead, but that too was too much for him and insist I be the “mature one” and talk, so I would then try face to face, and he would turn it back onto me for daring to upset him ( with the truth) and then he would sulk and withdraw so I then I would telephone, and he would hang up on me! The bottom line? Expressing my thoughts and feelings to him was unsafe for me nor was it encouraged as it meant he would have to face the reality… that he needed to see me as a person with needs and wants as well, when all he really wanted to do was to do his own thing without having to tell me ( nor did he consider needing to tell me was important despite the fact I am his wife). He is a bully. Plain and simple and I’ve been walking on egg shells for too long being shit scared to raise things I knew would upset him.
Things like wanting to be a partner with him… Financially, spiritually and physically. Having no secrets and having trust and integrity in our relationship. He wanted everything separate and would refer to our property as MY car, MY bed, MY house ( as he moved in with me and I own the house). He insisted on us both financially contributing equally to the house account ( despite him earning more than me) and refused to share what was left over. He refused to buy a car together and instead would buy his own car but then give it to his adult daughter despite me asking to use it as I could then sell my car ( and clear my car loan) and use his when I needed to tow my horse to competitions. He said no. He instead gave it to his daughter who only works PT ( her choice) and has somehow purchased a $50k horse without a permanent FT job. And she dosent have a car and he tells me I’m selfish as I have one.
So I married a man who promised me we would be in this life together, but has slowly created a life for us that’s completely separate to each other. I feel like we are flat mates with benefits. He does do a lot of renovations to MY house ( ha ha), but all decisions are driven by him and I feel are a cover so I don’t “complain” about not having any say financially in what goes on in our lives and that I should just be grateful for what he does. He makes all the decisions and provides the time and opportunity to do what he wants when it suits him. He does work hard at it though. I have no say in the plans despite him asking for my input. He acknowldges my suggestion, but does what he wants anyway.
The thing is, over the years, I’ve allowed him to as I have been scared to upset the apple cart because I like how he does do renovations to the house ( although there’s so many unfinished projects that my house in places looks horrible in places). And he will get upset at me if I suggest finishing xyz first before starting a new project. So I say nothing, and I’m just grateful he seems to be doing things for “us”.
So the thing is, if I complain about him treating me like I’m a flat mate unstead of a wife, he comes out with saying : ” after all the things that I do for you and YOUR house and that I’m ungrateful and jealous of what he does for his kids”…(who are adults and should be independent)
I Feel duped into believing his lies about marrying me and doing things together. I only agreed to the separate financial contribution model as a trial, providing we eventually move closer together and work together to share more along the way ( as his level of trust in me rose). I took his suggestion to mean that he was worried initially about going all in financially together… being newly married and all. I agreed but made it clear as long as we eventually moved closer.. If anything he’s been instrumental in slowly separating us in all areas as well as financially. Like he’s got one foot out the door just in case…
I’ve come to the realisation that this is who he is. The things he says he knows is what I want to hear. His version of love isn’t mine. His version of marriage isn’t mine. I can no longer stay married to him now despite the shame I feel knowing I married him hoping he will change ( and believing his lies). This is my second marriage and upon retrospect, I was so despararte to be loved that I fell for the first man who showed me any attention and eventually it became additive. It’s DEFINATELY not a healthy relationship and I now see the emotional manipulation and abuse he lays on me ( and for that matter, on his kids too). I also realise I married my mother as to me, this level of abuse and feeling i deserve it, is a direct reflection of feeling like I’m a child when I’m with him and thus, I have to do as I’m told in order to please him. Just like my mother and she still tries to treat me like this. I am 51 this year.
I also realise my self esteem is lacking as I’ve allowed this to occur as I’ve been to frighten to say anything as I knew he would turn it back on me and leave me.
I haven’t heard from him in 3 days. I’m not contacting him either as I’m guttered. All I said that night was how hurt I feel when he constantly refers to everything as MY car and MY bed etc as we are married and we are partners and I want to share and be a team so it’s OURS… He was pizsed at me for daring to challenge his way of doing things ( keeping things separate) and it made him uncomfortable as what i said made sense as we are married and he was not acting in the spirit of a marriage or wanting to be a team. I found out the next day he had given his car to his adult daughter, after saying I couldn’t have acces to it. He lied to me as to where it was too. I caught him out big time and he is pizsed at me for “always being accused of things he didn’t do”… As to him, he’s only letting her use it while her other car gets fixed ( apparently) but said it was over at his work when it was parked in her drive way and I saw it when I drove past on my way to work. I also saw a face book post written by her wanting to buy a horse float that a landcrusier ute will be able to tow… Which is the car in question and that was posted last week. He has lied to me and he knows it and yet he turns it around onto me! So I’m suspecting all the MY car, MY house talk was from a guilty conscious as he knew he had allowed his daughter use of the car after denying me the same car. The difference is I’m his wife. If she wants a car to tow her $50k horse around with, she can get a job like the rest of us and get her own car loan. We should be a team first before his kids. He knows how I feel so kept that hidden as he knew it would upset me, yet gets angry at me for daring to raise it to talk about it. And now I haven’t heard from him in three days!
So who knows what’s happening from now on. Married 1 year and already separated. Sigh.
Sorry for the long rant!
This is not a healthy relationship on a number of counts. He shouldn’t have denied you the car but at the same time you seem to believe you come first. There is no rule book that second wife comes before adult daughter when it comes to borrowing a car. You are not just hurt that he didn’t give you the car but also really judgmental at the daughter – there’s no rule book that says a daughter can’t ask her father to help her out. Is she ‘using’ him? He’s her father. Unless he starts suffering for her behaviour, it’s not using – he wants to be generous and help her. He’s allowed to do that.
Living in your house – yeah he should pay more expenses if he earns more and if he lives rent free. I hope also you are legally covered if you divorce. All those renovations shouldn’t give him the right to fight for a cut in the house. He’s probably not happy that you’re doing something for him – the house, rent free. Instead of balancing it out, he might be going the other way, denying you his car so that he feels no obligation. Your relationship does not seem a generous one at all.
My only advice – stop competing with his children. For all you know your competition might be making them more demanding as they want to win. The rest probably you need some counseling so you’re not so angry and can take an informed set of decisions.
Fay, I know that ache of wishing you could feel safe in the knowledge that your husband is on your side. You try to look at the things he DOES do as evidence that “Yes, I guess he really does love me”…but there is a nagging uncertainty, because you can see so many things he does that undermine your confidence in the belief that he feels a deep love for YOU.
I understand why what he does for his daughter makes you feel insecure about your value in his life. Second wife, first daughter…why is there any ranking? What you want to feel is that every decision that your husband makes is made with putting YOU, his wife, first. What is best for the husband and wife team – that is what you want to be uppermost in his mind.
But he is not a team player. And from your writings, I agree that he is a bully. He shuts you down when you try to communicate…telling you you’re “not doing it right.” What should have been most important was that he try to communicate with you, but instead, he decided your way of communicating was wrong and therefore he did not have to listen. That builds a wedge, it does not build closeness.
The fact that you feel like you have to earn his trust is a bad sign. Do not put his name on your property. That is usually what women do to try to “prove” themselves. Do not do that.
I guarantee that he will bring up the work that he has done on the house as evidence of how ungrateful you are should you seek a divorce. My view is that you need to get out of this marriage ASAP, but that is one woman’s opinion. When he is not around, I would use my phone to record the unfinished work around the house and save those recordings to a thumb drive. Then I would schedule the divorce talk and use a lot of “I” and “me” phrases, like “I wanted to feel safe/cherished/loved in my marriage and I don’t feel that way…so I don’t want to stay married. I can’t ask another person to change, so I want to change by getting out of this marriage”. He’ll either be volatile or swear he can change. If he starts asking “What do you want?”, just stay the course that you want a divorce. You have to be firm in your resolve to get a divorce. You can’t be wishy washy with phrases like “OK. Let’s see if we can make this work.” I’m sorry, but I don’t think this man will ever be what you want in a mate. You will forever be walking on eggshells…trying to read and adjust to his moods. You’ll always wish he was different.
You are on pattern… So true… I ended it with my EUM two months ago. Still in the early healing process, and what do I do.. I meet a man who I’ve known for years, but we weren’t friends, just knew him by name. He got divorced 7 months ago, yes I know not so long time ago… I met him in a bar few times about 3 months ago, he was very interesred in me but I was so messed up with my EUM so nothing happened. We were Facebook friends so 3 weeks ago he started to message me. It was fun, harmless chatting about this and that and I was actually happy that he didn’t come out strong, with all the wawawoom that EUM do. After 2 weeks of messaging we agreed to see each other. He started to flirt more and even told abou me to he’s ex-wife..!! She knows me, so prpbably it was to make her jealous, because I thought that’s weird! Red flag…
We agreed to see on sunday and I had very busy saturday so he asked if I could call him if I have time. I called him sat evening and he was very happy and surprised that I called… hey we are adults… And he said that he thinks even more highly of me because I called..
I’m 36 and he is 41 btw.
Well sunday came, I messaged him about the date. I wanted him to pursue more, but I thought been there done that- didn’t work out. So I pushed these thoughts away. We went on a great date, I had really fun time, thought he had too. He was very nice and fun. Only thing that kinda bothered me was that when we separated our ways, he didn’t say anything about having fun or about next date. But I thought that don’t over analyse what I always do, and what else you can do with EUM than try to analyse what the hell is going on… so I thought maybe I have learned something and stop this crazy analysing.
I felt good when I went home, and next day, I send him this picture that was related to one joke we laughed about a lot. I didn’t even think that would be too much or too needy or etc.. But surprise surprise 😉 never heard from him, and I do believe that if guy wants to see you, talk to you, he don’t leave you waiting for days..
So was I fastforwarded in two weeks?? Never had this happen before. And I feel like crap because I read him so badly in the date. That he had fun, he liked me. There was intimacy also, holding hands and kissing, no sex.
I’m so mad that I put myself in this situation since there was couple fred flags and my low selfesteem and healing after EUM can’t handle this right now… I hate that this is again all I can think about.
But thank god for this blog and people who comment. No words to say how helpfull this site is! Well back to reading and healing.
P.s sorry about my English, i’m not native English speaker, but hopefully you can understand and give me comments 🙂
Im only in contact with my ex in relation to our daughter and on the whole it’s pretty civil but when things don’t go his way the familiar old ass clown surfaces! He sees our daughter at my house as he still lives in a shared house and his life generally is like like an extended teenage existence, last weekend he told me his days off were Tues, we’d and Sunday – I said well Sunday we have plans but either of the other days are fine, just let me know – 4pm yesterday he txt apologising for not being in contact but he is unwell (fair enough ) and did I say I was busy Sunday as he will probably be better by then. I replied this morning just saying that unfortunately I was busy on Sunday he sent a further txt with just a question mark which I don’t really know what this was supposed to mean so I just asked what he didn’t understand – as predicted he hasn’t replied! Initially I felt that horrible panicky feeling in my tummy when you sense a confrontation brewing but I just thought it’s ok you haven’t done anything wrong, he is just an ac and is showing you who he is yet again, I don’t need to apologise or explain myself to him so I’m happy with the silence
I am an older person who has not experienced a relationship with love care and respect. I just love Nat, her advice, her courses and the BR site. Here’s what I am learning. Maybe we could all look at our relationships and see what they are teaching us about ourselves. Ask ourselves ‘Why would I want to stay with someone who is treating me this way?’ Because I am not valuing myself. People will treat you like shit in your life until you value yourself. That’s the deal. And they should treat you like shit until you value yourself. People will walk all over you until you stand up for yourself to show you exactly how much respect you have for you. Throw all the men under a bus but at the end of the day if we truly respected ourselves none of us would be paired with people like this we would have a different set of relationship challenges. So, if you want to get cheated on and treated like crap don’t respect or value yourself and don’t take responsibility for your part in your relationship problems.
Hey,
I have just completed the exercise in the book where you look over your previous relationship history and I have noticed that all my relationships and dates have involved them blowing hot and cold, disappearing and fast forwarding. I’m initially attracted to physical appearance which conforms to ‘my type’ alternative rocker look. However if I’m not initially interested but they pursue me then I become interested. I reported feeling flattered, desirable, abandoned,disrespected and confused in both relationships.
A very good friend of mine, L., has been dating a married guy for 1+ years. What she has been going through is awful, from the outside. She started by being convinced that he would leave the wife (well, he told her “I love you” on the 1st date and “I’m married!” on the 5th or something…clever) and telling him she wanted children.
Now she’s happy when she sees him every two weeks for a quick lunch.
He has rekindled with his wife; he goes on holiday and travels with her; he and my friend have to hide from everybody.
Lately she told me “I can’t find anybody else”. I am at loss for words to help her, and then it is stressful for me and our other girlfriend because L. is obsessed: we went dancing once and she was freaking out, “I can’t find anybody!”, followed by embarrassingly eye-stalking a guy and then “Look, that guy is with that ugly girl, why is he with her? She’s fat, too!”, and then “I want to stay longer! I could meet somebody!” (it was past 3 a.m. by then). We decided not to go dancing with her anymore, for a while.
🙁
I can’t talk to her, and our other friend, S., can’t either: S. is married; I don’t do hookups, I can’t stand cheaters and I’m dating, but for example I’ve recently called it quits with a guy I had been seeing because he wasn’t right for me, something L. doesn’t understand, she doesn’t even believe me when I tell her.
Me and S. are at loss.
What scares me is that L. is becoming angry, cold, and mean. She wasn’t, she’s a sweet girl, warmhearted, but now it’s like she hates everybody, she’s envious of everybody, this “non relationship” is killing her spirit.
If you are reading, and you are in the same situation as L., please take some time, breathe, and try to look at your life “from the outside”. May be your friends do understand you, but they would like something better for you. May be you married friend is right when she sides with the “crazy wife” (of course the guy’s wife must be crazy, and a lier, and have hurt him badly…). May be you should look at all the other women who went through the same and suffered, and lost precious time, energy and self-esteem. There are good men (and women) out there, but we can’t find them unless we are really looking. Ah, and they aren’t always the first ones you’ll see in a crowded room: another thing L. does is focus solely on “he’s handsome! He’s not!”, like M.’s husband isn’t that handsome, the guy I went out with wasn’t that handsome. Who cares!!!! 🙁
For those ladies who might think this cannot happen to older women, I just let it happen to me and I am 60 years old, and divorced twice. I have children, grandchildren, a masters degree in counseling, and many good friends and wonderful family.
I met him on an online dating site about 6 months ago; this smooth talking, tall, good looking, sexy French physician. In hindsight, I was fresh bait, having just recently been divorced again, vulnerable, and looking to have a new start in life. I decided to move to a new country where he also happened to be living. We had been communicating by phone, email and text, for about two months before I arrived. From the moment I stepped off the plane, he swept me off my feet, wouldn’t leave me alone, and continued to dazzle me with his oh so steamy “mon amours”, his declarations about how he has never lived before meeting me, how he has never loved anyone like this ever before , etc. etc., blah, blah, blah. My starving heart soaked up every word and I couldn’t get enough. He shared “his deepest fears” with me and told me how he never had a real loving relationship before me. Red flags all over the place! I ignored them all, because I was the one who was finally going to provide him with what he needed. I met his children, his friends, we exchanged apt. keys, he took me on vacation to Italy, he was a gentleman and generous, he helped me acclimate, he wanted to marry me! and get this- I kid you not- he even told me he is saving the extra cemetery plot he owns next to his, for me. (We ARE in our 60’s, so us old people do prepare for things like this) Long story short, I was deliriously happy. We had amazing chemistry and we laughed a lot – and if anybody ever wondered, yes, French men, at least this French man, know how to kiss. It was heaven.
Then, one evening, we were in his living room watching a movie, and I got upset that he wasn’t watching it with me like we planned.
Well, that was it. Seriously. The whole steamy love affair was over in an instant. He got angry and gave me back my keys, demanded his keys back, told me to pack up my stuff, and told me we were done. JUST LIKE THAT. I had basically been spending most nights in his apt. (so stupid, but it was lovely) and I was leaving back to the states the next day to visit my family, so the unfortunate timing made everything hurt even more.
I will try to sum up the remainder of our relationship which was never the same, even though we tried to go back four more times, in only a few months. He ran hot and cold and it was beginning to hurt. Each time he flaked out and I wanted to make it work. I still can’t understand myself. How could I have acted with such little dignity and self esteem? He threw me out! And I kept taking him back. Three more times and he kept doing it again. Smooth talker and I took the bait.
Well, tonight I am done. This is the last time. I swear. I had been doing no contact and made it to 16 days and stupidly resumed contact last night by phone. By the end of the conversation we were “back together” and scheduled a movie date for tonight. An hour ago he cancelled because his French friends were coming over. He did not want me to join them. He denied ever saying we were back together.
I am sick and humiliated even writing this, because I can’t believe I trusted this bastard and put myself in this degrading position again. No more. The funny thing is, even though right now I am kind of shaky and a bit nauseous, I am also relieved. I was so nervous and insecure with him since our last few break ups. This is unhealthy and I am done being treated like a doormat. I wish healing to every woman who has had to endure the disrespect and humiliation of being with an emotionally unavailable man. It sucks. Don’t go there, and if you’re there, get out. I will be fine and so will you. Thank you Nathalie. You are a lifesaver. God bless.
Ah so sorry to hear you are going through this Shelly. I can relate to much of what you said about your break up – my ex broke up with me over something minor and after that every time we got back together it was me ‘convincing’ him with either words or by trying to be exactly what he wanted and he would blow hot and cold and for me this went on for 5years! Its traumatic but it’s best to deal with the pain now as it makes it so much harder if you delay it
Well can’t believe I’m still where I was a year, two years ago. I’ve written before and hope each time I write, I would gain the strength to move forward from my ex.
My ex and I were together for about 3-4 years.. We were like the Justin and Selena.. always getting back together and then not. The last 8 months was more friends with benefits even though I wanted more but he didn’t. So I still saw him occasionally (after trying to go no contact) and felt like crap every time I gave in.
I thought why do I keep letting him back in my life when he actually told me he doesn’t want a relationship anymore. Am I that stupid, low self esteem to accept this treatment? Why do I want him when he shows me time and time again, that we are only sexually compatible but nothing else in common. Why don’t I get this other guy who can give me the moon a chance, but no, I hold onto this narc ex hoping to get some crumbs like I am starving for his attention.
I will put my concentration on working out and not date men.. Tried the online and that is also deflating. I am giving hope on men and relationships. Maybe I’m jaded or maybe I’m so screwed up because I don’t know how to be treated properly anymore for I tried so hard to get my ex back. Sigh… And to top it off, I know he is toxic.. I used the excuse, the heart wants what the heart wants and love in blind. But I am aware my ex is bad but I still go back.. I have that savior effect or hope that THIS time would be different effect..
Time will tell. I get strength from these stories and wish everyone strength in moving away from these toxic relationships. We DO deserve to be happy and in respectful loving relationships.
Beautifully Written. This post is my relationship to a tee. Ive been going through the same old unhealthy cycle with the same toxic person for over a year.
Things will be fine between us for a short time, then he will usually do something rude like not call, or Ill catch him in a lie, he’ll blow hot/cold things like that. Then of course I amp up the drama, lots of drama and we have this long drawn out dramatic break up. I’m ALWAYS the one to end it and he’s usually the one asking for forgiveness, saying sorry for being an a**hole bla bla…I usually just block/ delete and go No Contact because I know I am in a very unhealthy relationship and deep down I really do want to end it….BUT a month or two will pass and I’ll be doing great, then all of a sudden my thoughts completely change. Something comes over me I don’t know if its just missing him, loneliness or what but I either contact him or he contacts me and the cycle starts all over again. How do I stop this? I just can’t wrap my head around why I would want to put myself through this over and over and over again when it seems Im happier without him and in a ton of pain when we are together. Could I be addicted to pain and drama?? Otherwise I live very active and fulfilling life, I obviously have some issues but I don’t feel like I don’t love myself. I feel more trapped in a painful cycle and I am desperate to break it and move on permanently.
I think it involves discipline, plain and simple.
The same way we need to train our brains to stop engaging in destructive patterns that ultimately bring us more pain than pleasure, we need to do the same with men who hurt us. I know this is really hard; it takes a lot of internal strength and support, but most things in life worth doing are not easy. Life sometimes calls upon us to be stronger than we ever thought we could.
I have been thinking about why we put ourselves through this, when deep down inside, we know the truth – and I think that part of the reason, is that feeling that high, but really, even feeling anything, even the pain, might feel better in the short term, than feeling nothing. It really is like a drug. The sense of feeling nothing, of having no one, of being alone, feels worse than the crumbs and false hope we receive at the time. But there also comes a time when this is no longer true. And that is a time of strength. When we are able to face the loneliness head on and say it is better than the garbage of that bad relationship.
That makes a lot of sense to me. Thank you Shelly!
I am in a situation now where i’m trying to figure out what I need to do. I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years now. My boyfriend has a very bad problem with how he talks to me whenever he feels like there is an issue that needs to be addressed. The way he handles it is by telling me the issue first and then he follows with name calling and putting me down. I’m dumb, I’m an F’ng idiot, etc. I have talked with him on many occasion and told him how this makes me feel. However he continues to do it. This past Tuesday he started a big fight and expressed himself the same way as he always does. The issue at had was because he was upset that I do not cook him dinner or clean for him anymore. Now my boyfriend is living with me. He is not working but goes to school. He only has to attend class once a week for a few hours and the rest of his courses are online. My Monday – Friday schedule is basically waking up at 330 to be at the gym by 4. Get ready for work at the gym and leave by 7. I pick up the kids and take them to school, make my way to work. After my 8 hour day go pick up the kids from school and then take them to practice. Once I get home its about 7:30 almost 8. I would hope with the time that my boyfriend has that he would help me out but he doesn’t. He expects me to do it all when I get home. By the time I get home I am already exhausted. Well on Tuesday he yelled at me and downgraded me as he always does and mentioned that he felt it was best for us to separated. I offered to work through the issues but he kept insisting that he was done and no longer wanted to be part of my family. So for clarification I made sure that he was sure that is what he wanted and he said yes. I was hurt but I will not keep someone there with me that does not want to be there so I told him fine. All Tuesday we did not talk but I realized he would leave come back leave and come back. He never moved any of his things. He ended up staying there again and the next day was trying to convince me that I was kicking him out. So all Wednesday he was making a big fuss about how he has to find a place cause I was kicking him out. This was confusing me and I told him I am not kicking him out but that it was his choice to end the relationship. He felt that the argument that we had was just a normal argument but that since i’m kicking him out he will just leave. I refused to entertain the topic and was just hoping he was going to leave. Well he didn’t. At this point I am so emotionally drain with what has happened the past 2 day. On the 3rd day he send me a message and tells me that he loves me and that he is very sorry. That evening when I got home we talked for 4 hours. I addressed everything that bothered me about our relationship and told him the issue that happened really broke me. I felt torn. He kept apologizing and told me he would work on it all but a big part of me feels like he will only go back to his old ways. A part of me wants to leave but a part of me whats to see if he will really do it. What should I do? Should I just walk away?
Kick his sorry ass out!!
He’s shown you who he is (verbally and emotionally abusive) and that is not going to change no matter what BS he tries to feed you. People like this just take and take and then berate you when you have the nerve to have needs and standards. He doesn’t want a relationship, he wants a servant – a compliant servant. He’s using you and turning around and blaming and accusing you of his poor behavior!
If you don’t feel safe doing telling him to leave (like he’ll escalate and get physically abusive) I’d have someone there for support when you tell him and change the locks immediately (very important).
If you don’t feel safe telling him, you could also just tell him you want him to move out because you just need some space or time to think – to soften the blow to his ego. If he really does want to work on it, he’ll understand. If he blows up and calls you names, well, you have your answer about his intentions to work on his behavior.
He’s trying to talk his way out of something that he behaved his way into. My guess is that’s his MO and he’s counting on you to be the ‘nice girl’, the ‘understanding girl’ and take him back. F that.
You deserve so much more!! Don’t settle.
Good luck!
I don’t find any guy as attractive as my ex assclowns. It depresses me. Are all hot guys players? Is it possible to find a good looking nice guy?!
I’ve been struggling with rejection from my last assclown. I get so sad bc he gets so many girls and I can’t find even one guy besides him who I am physically attracted to. Can someone please respond to my post. Are all good looking guys players?! I’m just so jealous that is able to feel good about himself n thinks he’s hot shit bc of all the girls he gets. Please help
Thank you Marie, for your empathetic comment and wise advice from last week. I hope you’re doing well. I am lonely, but much stronger without him.
Jennifer,
All good looking men are not players; you are attracted to good looking players. Take your focus off what he’s doing and redirect it to you.
This blog is about you recognizing and breaking destructive patterns. You need to find a guy you are attracted to who will treat you well.
Like you, I have always been attracted to the “edgy” guys – the ones that present challenges. There is just an undeniable sex appeal about them.
There has been a really fine man that I met a little while ago. I suppose he has been my “fall back” guy, during my break up periods with my EUM. I worry now that I have been using him but always with an honorable intention of seeing if more attraction would develop. He is crazy about me, but even though he would give me the world and treats me like a queen, there is no physical attraction- I can’t stand for him to even hold my hand or kiss me good night. I’ve discussed this with him in a gentle, kind way and we mutually decided to give it a little more time. I have tried to wait and see if the attraction will build, but after about eight dates, it’s not getting any better. He is objectively a good looking man and has all the amazing qualities I would want in a partner, but I see now there is no forcing chemistry.
This blog is about breaking unhealthy patterns. I will be steadfast in breaking my pattern of no longer allowing myself to be stupid with assclowns and EUM’s.
But I also learned that if there is no physical attraction after giving it a real try, that is also no good. It is unfair to this fine man and not good for me either.
So, all in all, you don’t want to be with a player if what you seek is a quality relationship. Even if you are attracted to him, he is not healthy for you. And the flip side to this, is that if you are really not attracted physically to someone, there’s no point in pursuing that either.
But here’s something we both need to consider: Nathalie often writes about the importance of opening up your sphere of possibilities and widening the pool of men you might possibly be attracted to. Maybe a second look at someone you might not have originally gone ‘weak in the knees’ for instantly. I think this is great advice. There is an untapped middle ground between the two extremes (instant lust vs. no chemistry) where a genuine and, yes, hot, relationship can develop. I have decided to take this approach and I think it’s good advice for you too. Don’t be with players. They will break your heart, destroy your self-confidence, and make you feel crazy. (Believe me, I know; I chopped off my beautiful long blonde hair in an emotional breakdown after my EUM broke up with me and now I am dealing with that) But don’t settle for the good guy you are just not attracted to either. Hold out for the good guy that you are attracted to and live a happy life. I hope this helps.
I’ve been asking myself similar questions. I went on a date with a guy who ticked all the boxes and I thought I ‘should’ see him again. But when he told me some days later that he’d decided to take it further with someone else, I surprised myself at how relieved I was. Any blow to my ego was completely overtaken by feeling free again. That strength of emotion was a big lesson to keep being emotionally available to myself and aware of my feelings.
It had broken me a little on the date to find a lack of musical connection, while the player I’d walked away from knew the songs and artists I mentioned so well and we could bounce off each other. It’s been the same thing for all exes, including the one emotionally available one. So my question is not so much ‘are all good looking guys players’, but ‘are all guys I have a sparky connection with players’ – still about chemistry though. It’s a common pattern for me – not instant lust over someone’s looks, but it develops quickly once we connect over music or other passions. I know what I want and need – common values, but I hope it’s possible to have that common language too and the sense we’re from the same planet.
Thank you, Shelly I’m just really struggling. I feel like I’m never going to be attracted to anyone like my EUM. But I also know he was a mean person who I ever would hv been happy with anyway
I came across this article and it’s timing is perfect. I’ve stupidly allowed my ex back into my life after 8 years and knew it was a bad idea because he is still trying to dictate how the relationship will go and keeping me at arms length and jumping through hoops until I tire of this behaviour and leave him again, whilst telling me that he loves being with me and how great it is to have me in his life. Definitely a case of actions do not equal words.
I’ve been beating myself up for allowing him back in and I’m also quite annoyed because after all these years, he’s still able to disarm me and I allow it.
In any case, it’s time to revisit these pages again and remind myself to enforce NC
I’ve been reading this blog for about a week now and this article really struck a nerve.
I’m 3, going on 4, weeks coming out of a toxic relationship of 8 years. We have a 4 year old daughter together. I’m really struggling to come to terms with her toxicity so here is my story.
My ex is a very very broken girl. She’s in her early 30’s and has suffered a lifetime of abusive, unavailable, and codependent relationships. Her father and step father were drug addicts and her mother and her reversed role’s in her teens when her step dad became a cheating drug addict and they divorced. In her early 20’s, the man her mother was with for a few years died in a motorcycle accident and she became the parent again to her mom. My ex never healed from any of the trauma, abuse, or abandonment she suffered. She bounced from relationship to relationship and when we started dating, she had just moved back to her home town to take care of her mother who refused to be a parent or adult and take care of herself. My ex gave up a good life in Florida to come home and play parent to her mother again. This girl’s list of issues could fill a page and I knew it and I dated her anyway.
During our 8 years together she was always one foot out the door. She would often say she should have worked on herself and shouldn’t be in a relationship. She knew all her issues and always identified as broken. Her issues were the bars she lived her life behind, bars she needed to keep herself safe. She attempted therapy for 7 years and would quit right about the time it got to the really hard stuff. She was emotionally closed off in the bed room, had zero self esteem or self worth, and constant anxiety. Her daddy and mommy issues would come out when she drank and she verbally abused me a number of times. Very few of my needs were met in the relationship and she dumped her energy into fixing her mom, her dysfunctional brother, and her dysfunctional friends. I knew there were red flags but I kept ignoring them and her excuses became my excuses. Just about every part of my life suffered. I grew depressed, I stopped taking care of myself, I stopped romancing her, and I changed. I constantly felt judged for my past while I accepted hers, she would snoop on me while I trusted her, and she acted jealous of any and all women I had any interaction with. There were few of the fundamentals needed for a healthy whole relationship. I felt oppressed, controlled, and drained of life. I chose to abuse prescription drugs and I chose to mentally and emotionally check out of the relationship rather than cut it off, only making matters worse.
4 years in she ended up pregnant after a doctor told her she couldn’t and we had risky sex. Things only got worse after that. The stress of raising a child just added more to the pile and me become a father made every mistake I made about her daddy issues. As she started to physically and emotionally withdraw, I chose to make serious changes. I quit drugs, quit smoking, and started coming out of the fog I was in. The better I got, the more she withdrew and started to sabotage. About a year ago after a fight and breakup, she kissed her ex. It wasn’t even 10 hours after we “broke up” she went to the bar to do her usual routine of self medication and called him up. He was not good to her in the past and was always emotionally unavailable. She came home the next day and I took care of her as I always did. I didn’t know about the kiss until two weeks later when she admitted it. Then she started violating the boundary rules she obsessively pressed on me like not having frienships of the opposite sex. I had to find out about all of this on my own of course. She lied to my face and when I caught her, she admitted fault but continued the behavior. She had and has little to no respect for me and proved it with her continued toxic behavior.
Things ended when I caught her meeting a guy at a bar, a guy she met when I was out of town working a second job to have extra money to take her on a vacation. I don’t know if she cheated but she was on her way and would have had I not checked the bank records and put it together. I kicked her out of our house but then asked her to come back and to go to therapy. I wasn’t ready to just give up on our family. She refused and now we are split up. I waited and waited for her to change. She always talked about it but never did the actual work. We both agree that we need space to work on things and it’s a real struggle, especially with an innocent 4 year old. I never wanted to raise a child in a broken home but someone has to be a healthy adult for our child. We are doing good coparenting and have agreed on 50/50 custody and a no contact policy other than to discuss our child. It has been really emotionally tough for me because I love her and I know this person isn’t what or who she wants to be. I have a giant heart and was pouring out support to her even after she left. She’s damaged, but it’s who she is now and she did me wrong way too many times. I’m still working on seeing her for who she is and not who she is capable of being but I’ve had enough and the boundaries are in place.
The week of the breakup I started counseling and doing the work on myself to figure out why I stayed and ignored the flags. I’ve been in plenty of relationships with the wrong people but never one this toxic. A friend of mine gave me a piece of advice and told me this is my time to start writing my story the way I want. I decided I HAVE to do the work and fix this and learn to love myself again, more than I love a broken excuse filled person. Being alone is difficult but it’s no different than being with an unavailable or harmful person.
This blog has been a huge help, especially with setting boundaries and getting my head straightened out and self esteem back. I’ve spent every night for 3 weeks doing research on the Internet, reading blogs, doing worksheets, and committing to healing. Coming to terms with my ex staying the way she is has been the most difficult hurdle. I know there is nothing I can do and I cannot, for the sake of myself, continue to try and support her. I hope everyone out there finds the strength to heal and the wisdom to love them more than the toxic people in their lives. I know just how hard it is but it is absolutely worth it. It takes more than just wanting to change, it takes work and serious pain. I plan to stick around and hopefully drop updates on things progress.
Keep fighting for yourselve’s folks. You are worth it.