I’ve had several emails recently asking my opinion about some very obvious celebrity relationships and individuals that reek of emotional unavailability and I realised that there are many things that we can learn from these very public displays.
I could choose the obvious one and go straight for Sienna Miller and Balthazar Getty, but we’ll save that for tomorrow, because if ever there was a more obvious Mr Unavailable, other than the fictional Mr Big (and you all know how I feel about that), then John Mayer is the current king of Mr Unavailables. Whiffing so much of danger, women everywhere should be taking his very public, assclown behaviour like the police equivalent of a APB.
The main thing to learn from John Mayer is that when it walks like duck, quacks like a duck, looks like a duck, and comes with a whole load of evidential history behind it that says it’s a duck, that’s because it is. Like every Mr Unavailable and Fallback Girl relationship, do not make a rod for your own back by deciding that you are going to be the one he’ll be different with and try and get him to change. The evidence and his behaviour are signs that are trying to help you! He’s a rolling stone, gathering no moss, and avoiding any sense of permanency. If Jennifer Aniston thought she was getting marriage and a baby out of him, she must be on crack, but I suspect that on some level she knew it was doomed….Let’s take a look at why he’s a Mr Unavailable:
1) The guy has publicly had more ass than a toilet seat. I know that the press make a big ordeal out of just about everything, but John Mayer is on one big permanent date. Who knows how much he is shagging around, but he’s certainly dating around, a lot, and likes to attach himself to trophy women. He gets off on the attention.
2) He’s always being connected with another woman when he’s supposed to be with someone else. There tends to be photos and while we could give some leeway and say a few of them are publicity hunters, coupled with his distinct pattern of behaviour, I smell an assclown.
3) He’s like the ambulance chaser of failed relationships. What’s the common thread between Jessica Simpson, Cameron Diaz, and Jennifer Aniston, amongst his many other conquests? They have all had huge public break-ups, where their guy appears to have been the one to prosper in a happier relationship, and they all have their own healing and emotional unavailable issues to deal with. On the flipside, John Mayer may appear to them, to be just the guy to give them a pick-me-up or divert the attention to themselves. It’s the Hollywood equivalent of when us mere mortals with smaller bank accounts hope that we show off our latest boyfriend to our ex just so that we can prove we’ve moved on and done better. Don’t go there!
4) This makes him very hot out the gate and hot in pursuit, but he is rather cocky (there’s a photo of him with Jennifer Aniston with a distinct smirk) but his pattern of behaviour is that while he may chase them because he thinks that they’re just as emotionally unavailable as he is, he starts edging back and making a run for it when he gets the idea that they expect, want, or need anything from him. Admittedly, press speculation about £3m weddings and all that jazz could be enough to make some guys balls shrivel up, but the trouble with John is that there would always be a reason to break up. This time, maybe it is the marriage thing, other times it might be the fact they want him to commit some proper relationship time and energy instead of him treating them like a groupie. Whatever it is, it’s too much for him.
5) He’s a man of contradiction. Aside from chasing and then withdrawing, saying how happy he is, but creating situations where he’s likely to be accused of playing away, it’s his recent statement that shows that aside from being a Mr Unavailable, he is a grade A assclown. Let me decipher it for you along the way…
“She’s one of the most lovely people I’ve ever met in my life and I’m going through something that’s a very personal thing and you have to give that up. You have to give everything up because you can’t have it all and it sucks.”
First of all John, you didn’t ‘meet’ Jennifer Aniston, you dated her, likely had sex with her, and seemingly had a relationship, but like a true Mr Unavailable, in one fell swoop, you’ve managed to marginalise your relationship with her to the equivalent of some brief encounter with the woman who cleaned your hotel room. It’s not “something that’s a very personal thing” because if it was, you wouldn’t be talking complete contradictory BS in the street to a reporter!
All this giving up crap and bleating about how sucky things are reeks of the Poor Pathetic Me Whine (PPMW) – You’re behaving like an assclown but you pitch yourself as the distraught party. Don’t try to make out like you’re having a hard time; you’re not. You’re doing what you do best and have done time and time before, only this time you’ve decided to humiliate your ex while you’re at it.
And “most lovely”? That’s so no non-descript, he could be talking about anyone. It’s a bit like when women say that a guy is “so nice”….
“I’m sorry that the story’s not interesting but it’s about time that somebody stands up for that girl and I think she’s great.”
So impersonal and so patronising. By suggesting that someone stands up for her, it’s like he’s suggesting that she’s given a hard time or normally pitied. What was she? A mercy date? A last whirl around town with a toy boy before she gets relegated to the dark zone? But already, in the disconnected world of Mr Unavailable, she’s “that girl”. Isn’t that rather cold and impersonal? This seems very contrived and calculating and something says that his ego has had a massive stroking from all of the attention. In fact, like a lot of Mr Unavailables, I suspect that he gets off on the idea of snaring “that girl” and claiming he ended it too.
He also said that the end of their relationship is “the most normal thing in the world “There’s no lying, there’s no cheating. There’s no nothing.”
Translated this means, there have been lies but he doesn’t see them as lies. There has been accusations of cheating, but he doesn’t see his actions as cheating, and he’s also saying that he’s broken up for no reason. Classic Mr Unavailable. And of course it’s the most normal thing in the world for him; it’s all he knows.
“People are different, they have different chemistry, they have different lives,” he said. “It’s not about years, it’s about going out with somebody, being truthful on the way in, being truthful in the middle and being truthful on the way out.”
Unfortunately when you are a habitual Mr Unavailable, you become very disconnected from the truth because you see yourself as Mr Wonderful when you should see yourself as Mr Avoid Like the Plague. This is one of those flaky, wishy-washy lines designed to put smoke and mirrors in front of the reality, but in truth, this is no different to when Mr Unavailables say “It’s not you; it’s me” or “If only things were different” or “If only I was in the right place right now” or some other crap that creates an intangible, wishy-washy excuse for them to hide behind.
He doesn’t understand ‘truthful’ because in reality, he knows that he has a pattern of not being able to sustain a relationship, and he knows what his limits are and how much he wants. The fact that the women he gets involved with should know this is another post…
When asked if he was dating someone else, he said “Why are you asking me that question? I’m being as honest as I can possibly can be. I ended a relationship because there is no lying. I ended a relationship to be alone because I don’t want to waste somebody’s time if something’s not right. I don’t waste people’s time.”
Oh dear… With Mr Unavailables, they care as much as they are capable of caring, which is not very much and note that he doesn’t say, I am being completely truthful and instead goes with “as honest as I can possibly be”. Of course, if you struggle to be honest, your capabilities aren’t all that good! And hidden in his silly witterings is the real reason: he wants to be alone. John Mayer wants to play, not make house and make babies! He’s a playa, and an obvious one at that so he’s not even on the down low!
“I don’t do ‘the taper,'” he continued. “I guarantee you [that] 20 percent of the people on this street right now who are in a relationship wish they could get out but they don’t know how. And I’m going to be honest on the way in to my relationships and I’m going to be honest on the way out of my relationships.”
And John Mayer was someone who was in a relationship that he wished he could get out of, and he knew how, because he’d been down this road before.
“I just feel like spending a million dollars right now to put a mirror in every Us Weekly so that when you’re reading about it, you go, ‘Oh, that was me two years ago’ or ‘That was me a year ago,'” he said.
“You’re either a cheater or you breakup,” he explained. “And I’m not the first. I’m the second one. And that’s it. There’s no lying, there’s no b-llsh-t, I just don’t want to be followed around New York City like an animal.”
John Mayer suffers with Those Who Doth Protest Too Much Syndrome – when you keep over emphasising a point and claiming that you are or aren’t something…repeatedly. Like when a guy keeps telling you he’s nice when really, he’s an assclown. He thinks a lot of people can relate to him and actually, he’s probably right, but there are a lot of emotionally unavailable people out there, and on the Mr Unavailable front, the number of men out there with large ego’s and delusions of grandeur are ten a penny.
In reality, you could cheat, you could break up, and if he actually ever got to a more developed emotional state, he could actually discover that relationships don’t just happen, they take work and some people don’t get to cheating or breaking up because they are too busing growing and maintaining their relationships. But for him to discover this other option would mean he’d discover that he needs to deal with his issues of being an emotionally unavailable man-child.
And here are 3 other big signs that you’ve met a John Mayer:
1) He’s irresponsible. However old he is, he’s like a Recycled Teenager, living his life like he’s still a teen with a resistance to any permanency. When you really get on his case, he may accuse you of being a nag. You may even feel like his mum at times…
2) The world and its dog is telling you he’s a die-hard bachelor who isn’t going to change. They’ve seen it all before and if it’s his nearest and dearest who are telling you this, it’s because they’re trying to give you a heads up so you can bail or at least make an informed decision about whether you want to be with him.
3) He has a Narcissistic Harem. Habitual Mr Unavailables, especially the extra fickle, playa, permanent man-boy variety have a steady stream of female attention from a variety of sources. It means he doesn’t forge a real connection with anyone, but it also means you may have several women vying for your spot and ‘rumours’ floating around.
Your thoughts?
Quote Source: US Magazine
Picture source: Wikipedia
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Ugh! Exactly why I avoid celeb gossip like the plague! We run into enough of them in our own daily lives. I certainly don’t need to see them help up by the press and revered by the public. Did you hear about so and so? No, thank God!
Oh and that #3 harem thing? That sounds eerily familiar! Gotta remember to watch out for that one!
AMEN Sistah! I am … the biggest John Mayer MUSIC fan ever. I have his name on my license plate … among other things. But music aside, he is nothing more than a Man-Whore. Sorry, Dude. What NML says is 100% true.
And then he sings this sad ballads about finding the right one “… I’m tired of being alone, so hurry up and get here … you’ll be so good, you’ll be so good for me.”
Sums it up, doesn’t it? Good for him. Nobody but you, John, nobody but you (assclown). hee hee
OMG! This was brilliant! I love his music but even when you put aside any speculation by the press there is no escaping the very clear Mr Unavailable signs. My ex was SO like him it was frightening! They say one thing, do another, and they are very good at making you feel like the centre of their world. I followed mine around all over the place as he was a musician. He told me I was the one but 3 months in and I often found myself waiting in line for attention and rumour after rumour kept surfacing about him f’ng around on me. Like LisaQ what really resonated with me was the harem – the guy had women everywhere. Friends, backup singers, acquaintances, the woman who cut his hair. I found him nauseating!
I learnt a lot from this because what this relationship screams of is a woman who thought she could do what so many others have tried to. Yup, that was me.
I’ve totally had this same conversation with my girlfriend just yesterday about John Mayer – uhhgh! That bit about him being a relationship ambulance chaser – perfect. That’s what my EUM was too – trolling for unhappy, hurt and broken women to add to his harem.
In related news – I just watched “Gossip Girl” for the first time last night – Blair Waldorf and Chuck Bass are teaching a whole new generation of EUMs and fallback girls all the moves. It was so creepy that I actually felt sick to my stomach.
I think Jennifer Aniston is a warning here.
Falling for someone while ‘on the rebound’ is risky. You are most likely to attract someone looking for injured prey or for an ‘easy’ charity case. A predator will see a quick opportunity to *look* like a good guy, for a time, where a good guy would see the hurt but not a mate-prospect or a likely date.
It can be easy to mistake the predator pursuing ‘easy prey’ for ‘easy to get to know’.
Yes, John Mayer is an EUM….I think it’s kind of funny that he has that song about “fathers be good to your daughters–daughters will live like you do–girls become lovers who turn into mothers–fathers be good to your daughters, too”–that song cracks me up because he sings about not being able to get close to a woman because she is messed up because of her distant relationship with her father….he needs to actually look into his music and try to learn something about himself!
I ADORE John Mayer’s music. But he’s always seemed like a dipsh-t to me, and this just confirms it.
Even though it’s unlikely, if Jennifer Aniston (or any of the other women John has hurt) is still hurting, I hope she sees this.
I also hate that the media seems to think that Jen can’t be happy unless she’s coupled up. She’s rich, gorgeous and talented – she doesn’t need a man!
This is so true! I’m so glad you wrote this post, because I’d picked up some time back that John Mayer was definately a EUM. Jen Aniston should have stayed clear of this guy to begin with, just considering his reputation. It does seem though that she realized pretty early on that this guy was just another in the long list of EUM for her, and she actually seemed relieved to get out of the relationship. I knew there was something bad about John Mayer’s relationships when I begin to see the parade of women on the cover of the rag magazines. But what really confirmed it was the pictures of him and Jessica Simpson arguing on vaction and pictures of her sobbing on the patio in Mexico. Plus all the interviews she gave after their break up. She talk about how being with him had totally destroyed her self-esteem and how she spent so much time trying to be who she thought he wanted her to be, instead of being happy with herself. That said it all right there. His music is great, but like typical EUM he obviously doesn’t look at himself enough to realize he’s never going to be happy without fixing himself. He’s always gone on and on on his blog about how his life would be just perfect if he could meet the “perfect” girl. Only she doesn’t exsist.
When I saw John Mayer’s speech to the paparazzi on You Tube I thought I was listening to my ex-EUM. It was uncanny. It was such a condescending thing for him to be saying – the whole thing made me cringe. I agree he is completely unavailable. “She’s one of the most lovely, sophisticated women I have ever met”, the whole ranting about being “honest”, his turning it onto him as the person going through “something personal” and having to “give something up” just made me want to puke.
It is such a typical EUM move to make him seem like the wounded one and that he is doing the “honorable thing”. You know what – when an EUM does this to your face that’s one form of cowardice but when he’s a celebrity and he announces it to the paparazzi to be broadcast around the world – well that just takes it to a whole other level.
I really hope Jennifer thinks he’s a walking a-hole now and does not thing he was doing the “honorable” thing.
Nope – all he was doing was trying to convince the world that he is a “good” or a “nice” guy.
They are all the same – mega platinum hit singer songwriter or bumbling salesman – it all ends up – his behavior says – he doesn’t want a relationship and isn’t worth your time. Yet, he can’t have people thinking he wasn’t being “honorable”.
Maddening. But – as long as Jen doesn’t engage with him any further and keeps her head up high – she wins – in my opinion.
WELL SAID.
IT ALMOST MAKES ME WISH THE NEXY GUY WHO PURSUES ME IS FAMOUS -SO THAT YOU KNOW WHAT HIS DEAL IS BEFORE i GET HOODWINKED !!! 🙂
Well said, thanks for writing this. He is playing typical rock star and wrapping it up in a nice wholesome clean package, but it still stinks. However, in all fairness Mr. Mayer insists in the press that he is a nice guy and that none of his exes would have anything bad to say about him, because he is frank and honest with the ladies. Maybe he is just dating around to in search of the “perfect girl”, the reflection of his ego and effectively leaving a trail of bodies in his wake. It is a little odd that it took four months for he and Jennifer Anniston to realize that their chemistry isn’t right…according to him. I think her flying around following him on tour (which is what a person who thinks they are in a relationship does) is what pushed the pin in that relationship.
I do give him credit for not wanting to waste anymore of her time and cutting her loose to find someone better. However, he could have kept his mouth shut about it. He says decided to open his mouth to supposedly speak up for her, but looks more like his lip service has done her a disservice and was designed to protect his own rep and prevent damage to his future dating prospects. It makes me wonder if he in fact was the person who initiated the break up.
I know everyone’s hot on the boundries posts, but I had a flashback to this post when I read the latest update to the John Mayer/Jennifer Anniston relationship — certainly sounds like a classic UEM/FBG relationship to me. They even mention a “cooling off” period and that he “doesn’t want to hurt her feelings” by dumping her again…
http://movies.msn.com/hotgossip/1-29-09_3/?GT1=28101
Yep, it’s not much from our experiences chasing eum’s — we claimed to be light and breezy in the beginning because we were afraid of speaking up for what we really needed and wanted, the reason why they are drawn to us in the first place! When we see that they have “potential” we want the fantasy… lol the jokes on us when they basically tell us “to keep dreaming” that we will get a real-committed relationship from them, after-all, they went with us because they knew they didn’t have to invest anything.
Jennifer Aniston can definitely benefit from taking a visit to this site!
Hi
Just wanted to say that this is a great article. I think there is a bit of a difference, though, between a “perpetual playboy” who is honest about it, and the kind of pathetic parasite that we all recognise as John Meyer.
For instance, George Clooney seems to me to be completely open and honest about the fact that he has no intention *whatsoever* of doing relationships and babies, now or ever, and yet he seems to have a kind of integrity about him in this regard; I can’t remember him ever being involved in scandals or kiss-and-tells or marriage wrecking, and he seems to have a genuine respect for the women he gets involved with and doesn’t diss them afterwards at all. But John Meyer seems to absolutely thrive on picking up beautiful women who are in a state of relationship-breakup roadkill, and then goes out of his way to patronise them and twist the knife as far as he can, while extracting as much cheesy, self-inflating publicity for himself as possible. Your analysis is totally spot-on. “Relationship ambulance chaser” – exactly. But how weird, that he publically insists that he is looking for his “one true love” while he’s privately doing this serial assclownery instead. He makes me ill, I can’t even listen to him speak without feeling the nauseating self-delusion wafting off the guy.
Plus, he’s really not talented. I don’t think that’s a coincidence. Genuinely talented people don’t act like this, it’s only second-rate attention seekers who do this.
Jo
whose new favourite word is “assclown”