Fallback Girls Archives - Baggage Reclaim with Natalie Lue

Advice Wednesday #3: Widowed & Hurt From First Relationship Breakup–Can I Trust Again After Mr Unavailable?

February 10, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 6 Minutes

The tricky situation: I’m a 65-year-old widow of five years, (married forty years) going through my first relationship breakup since losing my husband. I broke up with my boyfriend because I couldn’t stand the mixed messages. I can’t understand what happened and keep ruminating. He was separated (married 2 years), unhappy, and I was lonely–we had great chemistry. He came on strong but after 9 months, he hadn’t and wouldn’t tell his ex he was dating because “he didn’t want to hurt her”–claims he told her he didn’t love her.

She visits his house and wants to reconcile. He’s been pulling away from me these last few months. Based on what he’s told me about past relationships, he seemed to act in a way that would cause me to do the breaking up so he wouldn’t have to. He always said he wouldn’t hurt me but I am hurt. In retrospect, I think he always thought this was a short term relationship, maybe a time filler until getting back with his ex. I think he changed his mind about the separation. I also sense this is a pattern–he’s had many short-term relationships. His friend said the issue with his ex would never be resolved, implying that he’s done this before. He fits all of the Mr Unavailable characteristics, could never discuss intimate feelings, is very secretive and is a poster boy for your red flag list— I ignored them because I was so lonely and somewhat naive. I’ve been No Contact for almost 2 months. Can I recover without ever really knowing the truth? I’m having panic attacks. I want him to know that I know what he did. Can I trust again at my age? Should I just be content to live alone? My relationship vault is now in lockdown.

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I am so very sorry for your loss. For forty years, you knew where you were at and now you’re not only having to try and figure out how to live on without your husband but dating has changed significantly since back in the day when you met him. I hear from so many people who were in long term relationships that started before there was putting a profile online, texting, sexting, swiping left and right, talk of Friends With Benefits and booty calls, and the list goes on. They step back into dating, not realising that not everything people show or tell you online is real and taking what can often be the intensity of Future Faking and Fast Forwarding as a sign of a “happy ending”, only to wind up very disappointed and disillusioned. It’s also not helped by everyone from friends, family, society and the media making out as if your last chance saloon has gone if you’re a woman over 25, and if you take any of that guff seriously and it plays into any insecurities, you’ll jump on any attention that comes your way as if it’s your last meal.

Another factor that amped up the intensity of things is that you had what I call a Starvation or Lean Period–this is a period of time where you are starved out of affection, attention and love due to being hard on you in some way, feeling brokenhearted due to a loss, and not really knowing how to take care of you.

You mention loneliness: sometimes when you lose a loved one, due to feeling on some level as if you don’t want to be a nuisance or a burden and/or some loved ones acting what appears to be differently or even lacking empathy, you clam up and stop expressing your innermost feelings and thoughts including to yourself. This causes you to feel emotionally adrift, often triggering you into looking for something or someone to take away those feelings. When you then feel interest in someone for the first time and/or they express interest in you, it’s distorted plus, if and when things go awry, it re-opens feelings of loss and low self-worth that you’ve attempted to squash down.

You want to love and be loved and there is nothing wrong with that. It’s a natural desire. Some of this situation stems from a need for someone to come along and fill a void and when you are looking for an external solution to something internal (unhappiness with you, not feeling “enough” and that you can cope on your own, wanting someone to take away your pain etc), this significantly impacts who you choose and what you will accept.

The same person that won't tell their ex that they're in a relationship with you because they "don't want to hurt him/her", won't tell you that they've gone back because they "don't want to hurt you". Flush! The thing about someone between relationships, so they’re not emotionally and/or legally and mentally over their ex, is that there’s a subconscious safety net. You don’t have to be as vulnerable as you would if they were genuinely free to pursue an out in the open, available relationship. It can’t ‘fail fail’ like you think an available relationship without restrictions can. This is a good time to ask yourself whether there is a part of you that’s afraid of truly putting you out there for fear that you will love and lose again?

The man who doesn’t tell his separated wife that he’s dating because he “doesn’t want to hurt her” will not tell the woman he is dating the truth when it’s needed because he “doesn’t want to hurt her” either.

The relationship was nine months and he pulled away for the last few months, suggesting that at least half of this relatively new relationship was in crisis–a code red alert. Factor in the honeymoon period where you don’t know each other yet and it appears that once normality kicked in and he had to show up and even follow through on promises, he passive aggressively edged his way out. He’s not out of contract and my spidey senses say that this is a guy who periodically gets his pants in a bunch, suddenly doesn’t feel like being married or committed, plays outside on the other green fields, and then goes back to wifey who has taken up the married Fallback Girl option of standing by her man and waiting for his tantrum to blow over. He’s not separated because he’s in the process of getting divorced; he’s having time out.

Courage is not your ex’s strong suit and he told you various stories as a subconscious means of dropping hints. He started something he could not finish. The fact that he kept insisting that he wouldn’t hurt you, aside from that being a promise that no one can make, it also suggests that you knew on some level that he was all shirt and no trousers and kept trying to get reassurance.

Here’s the thing: You already know everything–you just don’t like what you know and so you keep rejecting it, exchanging the truth for a set of untruths. What would him telling you what you already know do? What would you telling him do? You were there too. You have the truth right now it’s just that you are viewing it with the wrong perspective, stopping you from forming the conclusion that would stop your torture.

You’ve been involved with a Mr Unavailable who even if he claims it was not what he intended, used you as a form of escape from dealing with his inner problems and whatever is going on his marriage. Yes of course you are a grownup who has made choices but make no mistake: he has preyed on your vulnerability, your fear of being alone, and yes, your naivety. You were married for forty years–How are you supposed to have the experience to pick up on this man’s bullsh-t straight out the gate?

Accept what you know right now, wholly and fully. Stop trying to understand it or the situation to the nth degree. Yes, it is a loss that you have experienced (disappointment) but if you grieve it instead of beating you up, you will start to feel so much better. A great way of getting to the truth and healing from loss is writing Unsent Letters.

The panic attacks will subside when instead of rendering you helpless by trying to control the uncontrollable, you start taking care of you including taking responsibility for you. You don’t need to wait for a man to 1) be taken care of and 2) to have a good life. This would be a good time to attend grief counselling, to see your GP about the anxiety attacks, and to also look at social activities that you can partake in that will help you to not only meet and get to know people but to get to know you too. Let your loved ones in on your struggles. You will be OK. You’re never too old to love and you’re never too old to trust again. I know that life isn’t how you thought it would be but your husband no longer being here doesn’t mean his love is gone. Know also that when you love again, they’ve got to be someone that adds to your already good life, not your salvation. Don’t build a wall, build a better life for you with boundaries and self-care.

Your thoughts?

Each Wednesday, I help a reader to solve a dilemma. To submit a question, please email natalie AT baggagereclaim.com with ‘Advice Wednesday’ in the subject line. If you would prefer your question to be featured on the podcast, drop a line to podcast AT baggagereclaim.com. Keep questions below 200 words. If you want detailed one-to-one support, please use my consultation service.

Podcast Ep. 4: Is Facebook ruling your world?, How are you feeling?, The Booty Call Fairy Tale

September 12, 2015 By NATALIE Reading Time: 2 Minutes

I can’t believe that I’m up to my fourth episode of “The Baggage Reclaim Sessions” podcast! I must admit to feeling super pleased when it hit #6 in the iTunes self-help chart – woohoo! Thank you for listening!

Each week I cover topics around empowering you to discover and reclaim the great you that already exists, offloading excess emotional baggage, and navigating dating, interpersonal relationships and tricky situations.

I also feature a listener question plus I share something from that week that has helped me to know and care for me better.

Here’s what I cover in episode 4:

Why do we take Facebook so seriously?: Some of the new worries that we have about ourselves and life as a result of the social network, how it’s changed the way that some of us engage and suggestions for putting it into perspective.

The self-care practice of keeping a Feelings Diary: Why it can be so transformative and provide you with a hell of a lot of data that will help you take better care of you. Go to the Goodies page and download the Feelings Diary guide from the worksheet and fun things section.

Why do we keep trying to turn casual relationships into a fairy tale happy ending?: I talk about The Pretty Woman Complex, how we get ourselves into these situations and the importance of taking ownership of our desires and needs, even if it means walking away.

Listener Question – What do you do when you fear that you are emotionally unavailable and doing the very things that you’ve hated previous partners doing to you?: This listener has been through a rough time which has caused her to decide to stop caring, only to end up doing the very things that she has disliked in others. I share some compassionate insight into what’s happening so that she can start to get back on track.

What Nat Learned This Week: It really winds me up when people do that crackhead thing of tapping you up for favours in dribs and drabs and springing stuff on you at the last second so that you’re backed into a corner, which has only gone on to remind me about keeping my own boundaries!

You can listen to this podcast below. If you enjoy the show, please subscribe on Soundcloud or on iTunes. If you’re new to podcasts, find out more about what they are and how to subscribe with this handy guide.

Leave a comment or post on Facebook, and please subscribe. If you know someone who would enjoy it, please help spread the word. It all helps! Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com. If there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know! Nat xxx

We’ve got to stop procrastinating in unavailable relationships

April 15, 2015 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

Over the years, many a reader has claimed that they’ve been emotionally available to an emotionally unavailable partner. Here’s the thing:

If we are truly emotionally available and want to keep our integrity and basically not be met with tumbleweeds or the equivalent of, “What? What was that? You’re breaking up…” or even a ‘dead ringtone’, why are we choosing to be emotionally available to somebody who is afraid of intimacy, commitment, progression, balance, and consistency?

Why are we claiming to be emotionally available to somebody who doesn’t want to ‘hear’ us and ‘feel’ us to the level of which we’re claiming that we’re available?

One of the things I’ve learned from experience and also through the stories of BR readers, is that when we habitually engage with an emotionally unavailable person, even if we started out available, in the context of this involvement, we adjust ourselves. It may be conscious, it might be unconscious, but we do.

We can pick up on cues that indicate that certain subjects or situations are not a good idea.

We edit ourselves.

Let’s be real: If we’ve been raised in an environment with a lot of tension or where feelings or discussions were a no-no, or where we’ve gotten into the habit of being a pleaser, we can be pretty damn adept at reading a room or reading for what we feel are signs of tension, and then adjusting ourselves.

What do you do when you feel as if you’re putting yourself out there with somebody who at one point, was all over you like a rash or certainly giving the impression of availability, and now they seem to be stepping back by quietly or even aggressively putting up walls? You become more guarded and stop being as honest and vulnerable as you were before.

Buffers: When You’re The One That They Turn To When They’re Unhappy With Their Current Relationship

October 9, 2014 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

We are creatures of habit and have to pay close attention to where there are running themes in our lives because it points to where we are not only repeating a pattern of thinking and behaviour but that we’re doing so because we’re getting something out of it.

A recurring theme that some Fallback Girls/Guys experience in unavailable relationships is being the person who lends a willing ear, a shoulder to lean on, and even a bed to lie in for people who are having doubts about their current relationship, who want to have a bitch and a gripe about their partners, and who essentially want to avoid their problems by enjoying the attentions of an interested but nonetheless inappropriate party. It may be that you have the label of ‘friend’ but tend to be disruptive in this person’s relationships, believing that you have the right to do so because you’re friends and that anybody who doesn’t understand this and hold back comment about it mustn’t be right for this person. You may feel quite territorial about the friendship and struggle to step back. You’ll let them know that you’ll be there when not if something goes wrong.

It’s very possible that you’re either an ex or that at one point you expressed interest or even slept together but then for whatever reason something didn’t happen and you’ve instead ensured that you’re a fixture in their life and can keep an eye on what’s going on. While you might be open about this, it’s very possible that you have buried your feelings and so are not even aware of how your (and their) behaviour plays out. It’s also very possible that you keep in touch with this person behind their partner’s back. Note: If it’s a secret, it’s inappropriate.

If any of this sounds familiar, you’re a Buffer – someone who takes up an emotional airbag role with a view that once you’ve shown how indispensable and supportive you are, they will get over their ex and choose you. Buffer means rebound relationship territory. You have The Replacement Mentality so you tend to see your way into involvements as you effectively replacing somebody who couldn’t do their ‘job’ properly.

When someone wants you to devalue yourself in a relationship based on their previous experiences with somebody else

January 22, 2014 By NATALIE Reading Time: 4 Minutes

When I worked in advertising, I’d have to deal with clients who wanted a price reduction based on previous experience with advertising with another company or publication. If you work in sales or run your own business, this scenario is very common and one of three things is likely to happen:

You’re going to walk away.
You’re going to basically end up counselling and coaching them over their previous experience in order to convince them into buying your service or product.
You’re going to devalue your own product/service to compensate for their previous experience.

Sound familiar? Well it will do if you’ve been the Fallback Girl (or Guy) who has spent their time trying to convince and convert someone who is reluctant to try dating, to try a relationship, to commit etc., because of their previous experiences.

You’ll be particularly familiar with this if you’re a Buffer in a rebound relationship, effectively acting as an emotional airbag that helps their partner to make the transition from a previous relationship that they’re not emotionally (and possibly legally) detached from. If you’re playing Florence Nightingale and trying to fix/heal/help so that they can be fit for relationship purpose, then you’re also feeling the effects of a ‘price reduction’ based on previous experience with somebody else.

These situations are tough because we’re empathetic and sympathetic enough to recognise some of what that person may be going through. If they’re very forthcoming about the experience (and likely revealing their anger, hurt, sadness, disillusionment etc in the process), we may feel particularly sympathetic and understanding to the point where we may decide to park our own needs, expectations, feelings etc, so that we can give this person a chance to get their wings. We’ll show them how great we are and how they don’t need to worry and how we’re basically an entirely different person and situation, and yet we end up feeling devalued and possibly like an armchair psychologist.

‘Time’ isn’t the only factor when considering dating a separated or recently divorced person

October 14, 2013 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

I get so many emails asking me about whether to date someone who is separated, recently divorced, or even fresh out of a breakup that I wanted to tackle this tricky subject. We’re often scared (even if nothing has actually happened yet with a particular person) that we may be letting our last chance or even best chance saloon slip away. We may be imagining all sorts of problems that may or may not exist or we’re rationalising our own boundaries, values, and even prior experiences of being in one of these situations (so knowing that we may struggle with the emotional consequences) and are thinking along the lines of, ‘Well… I’m of a certain age so I need to prepare myself for turning a blind eye to any code amber / red actions and indications because people in this age group tend to be recently broken up / separated / divorced‘. OK….

There’s no easy answer to the question of what the ‘right time’ is for dating a separated or recently divorced person. What you have to keep in mind is that separated is still married until the divorce is finalised and that means that there’s likely to be emotional as well as legal ties.

It would be handy if we could avoid the vulnerability that comes with doing the due diligence and taking appropriate action where needed. What we forget is that even if a person hasn’t just exited a relationship, aside from knowing our own boundaries (which can rule out certain things that we’ve already made a decision on in advance of), we cannot get all of the answers upfront or have someone tell us what ‘the ending’ will be.

Each situation is different but what you can say with a high degree of certainty is that someone who’s just fallen out of their marriage, who’s still in reconciliation negotiations, who’s still very influenced by their spouse, and who has been separated for a long time ‘just because’, is going to bring pain into your life. Same goes for someone who’s not over their divorce and has beliefs that affect their ability to be committed.

I personally know people who have gotten together while one party was separated, and in one case the wife refused to sign so they had to wait for it to lapse and got married as soon as it did a few years later, and in the other instances where it worked out, there was no faffing about with the divorce, Future Faking etc. In the situations where it didn’t work, the separated party overestimated their readiness and actually, part of the reason they dated had been to avoid their feelings about the demise of their marriage.

Avoid falling into the trap of not seeing the wood for the trees: There are people left brokenhearted due to being involved with partners who were still affected by a breakup or divorce that happened anything from months to decades before.

We can take the period of time since the breakup into account but we also need to note whether actions matching words are amounting to somebody who is available for a mutual, consistent, balanced (no pedestals / controlling), progressing relationship that can blossom into increasing intimacy and commitment. That’s what we need to look for. It’s very easy to look at a person’s age, background, what they earn, their relationship history, their appearance, their divorce, and whatever else we’re focusing on, and rule them in or out on this basis, but in the end, regardless of any of these things, we still have to assess our own boundaries and do the due diligence.

It’s not about judging a person for being separated or divorced – it’s about judging the overall situation and working out whether it fits with who we are and where we’re headed.

The experience over time that we spend with a person means that we get to see if actions and words match and whether what we thought or they suggested was on the cards is actually happening. Yes it’s a ‘risk’ but it’s little more risk than in any other dating situation. That said, keep in mind the following:

1. Don’t assume that because you’re being pursued or that there’s certain future talk that it ‘must’ mean that they’re over their ex and ready for a relationship.

2. Definitely don’t assume that because they’re separated or divorced that have a PhD in commitment or that you’ll get the same. All it means is that they’ve been married. And that it ended.

3. If you typically struggle with the uncertainty that comes with being with somebody who still has their previous relationship to resolve, or you know based on experience that you’ve had your fingers burned by being involved with separated or recently broken up people, don’t go there. A person cannot promise not to hurt you or that their marriage breaking up isn’t going to affect you hence if the possibility of either of these happening sends fear ripping through you, know your own boundaries instead of playing the breakup slot machine again.

4. ‘Recent’ is of course subjective but it’s safe to say that if you become involved with someone who is weeks or even days out of their prior relationship, you’re gonna get some blowback. You remember what it’s like in those first few days, weeks and even months depending on how long the relationship went on for – you may still have been in touch, arguing, negotiating, or even hooking up. Is this what you want to be in the middle of? You can of course chance your arm but then you have to back away when it becomes clear that the ex files haven’t been closed.

5. If you’ve already determined your boundary on this issue, don’t bust it, live it. I know of quite a few people who were told to wait and come back when they’d had some more time/got divorced. Now of course, a person who is avoiding their feelings will just find someone else to avoid them with but somebody who is genuinely interested in you and wants to start off on a good footing won’t mind respecting your wishes – at least they’ll know that they’re pursuing something with you because it’s you they want to be with as opposed to seeking a distraction that’s going to backfire when they realise that they’re unavailable.

6. Don’t project. Most people go through a breakup or few, and it’s not a ‘flaw’ to be separated or divorced hence there’s no reason to go ‘Oooh, they’re separated and I’m a hot mess hence we should be good together’ or ‘They’re divorced and I’m not good enough anyway so who am I to talk?’ Some relationships and marriages don’t work out. Of course some people are separated or even divorced numerous times due to shady behaviour or due to a tad too much Fast Forwarding but that’s stuff you’ll find out through due diligence, possibly quite quickly if you have your feet on the ground and are listening and watching. Judge who they are on the merit of who they are. I know of somebody who is getting married for the fifth time and is doing their best to hide it from their family including their own children – yeah, clearly they haven’t grown or learned a damn thing from their previous marriages.

7. Don’t enter into an involvement with your emotional airbag inflated. If your interest tends to get piqued by being a ‘buffer’ to someone who is transitioning, it would be more beneficial to evaluate why this is attractive to you. You camouflaging their issues is only causing you to blend into the background of your own life. If you’ve typically been a Fallback option, it’s best to steer clear of these situations unless you’re absolutely certain that whatever contributed to your previous habits has now changed.

In the end, it’s about growth because a person can have gone through a number of dubious relationship experiences and then gone through a period of personal growth and their current and future behaviour reflects their healthier habits of thinking and behaviour. These will be self-evident – you won’t need to pull out your magnifying glass, start making things up or coming up with rationalisations.

Your thoughts?

Don’t become an indispensable doormat in order to ‘keep’ a relationship

September 9, 2013 By NATALIE Reading Time: 6 Minutes

Over the years of writing Baggage Reclaim, I’ve heard from many thousands of people who have essentially ended up inadvertently falling into the role of housekeeper, nursemaid, chauffeur, bank manager, secretary, babysitter, mama, papa, armchair psychologist, emotional airbag, masterchef, rehab counselor and the list goes on. When we’re inclined to be people pleasers, we suppress our needs, expectations and wishes and devote our time, energy and emotions into pleasing others so that we can be approved of, loved and in many ways, yes, indispensable. We can feel so unnecessary to ourselves that rolling into a doormat via people pleasing is how we feel vital in people’s lives.

Now I’m not for one moment suggesting that it’s ‘bad’ to do things for others but – and I want you to hear tires screeching or the needle being ripped from the record – when we attempt to make ourselves ‘indispensable’ as a means of showing our love and to also ‘win’ people over, we end up being deeply compromised and very much unappreciated, and what we are appreciated for, is for all of the wrong reasons.

And here’s the kicker: making you indispensable in these ways isn’t a means of being more emotionally open and demonstrative. Suppressing your feelings, opinions, needs, etc, is going to do anything but help you be emotionally available and honest. You’re doing too much pretending for that.

When we go down the Let Me See If I Can Find One Million and One Ways For You To Not Have To Lift a Finger In This Relationship route, it appears ‘easier’ than 1) respecting ourselves and letting things unfold so that we see whether the other party steps up and 2) having to truly put ourselves at ‘risk’ of vulnerability and be more honest with ourselves about what is going on. Both options would ultimately require us to hear, see and to more importantly, act.

Contradictions: I want to date but I don’t want a relationship but I don’t want to date someone who’s casual either

March 4, 2013 By NATALIE Reading Time: 4 Minutes

dating quote casual relationships

Recently, a few people have asked me for advice on a situation that typically goes as follows:

“I’d really like to meet someone for dates / fun / companionship / affection / attention / sex but I’m not looking for a relationship. I like my life right now / I’m still feeling bruised by my previous relationship(s) / I’m super-duper busy and would find it difficult to give myself over to somebody / I have trust issues / I’m really horny / I just don’t want to be on my own. How do I go about meeting somebody? By the way, I don’t want to be with a playa or somebody who treats me casually and they must be _________”–cue list of requirements.

My response tends to go along these lines:

So let me get this right: You want to start dating but you don’t want it to progress into a committed relationship because you like your life too much / you’re emotionally unavailable and basically not over your ex or your past / you’re busier than a president or prime minister / you have difficulty trusting people / you need to get laid / you basically don’t like your own company so are looking for somebody else to give you self-esteem and to shield you from your issues?

You want somebody who doesn’t behave like they’re in a casual relationship or who isn’t flat out avoiding one, to be with somebody (you) that doesn’t want to be in a relationship which would make it casual and who is in fact avoiding a relationship?

Isn’t this a ‘relationship’ all on your terms? Also, if you’re not interested in a relationship, why are there so many caveats and peeves?

Beyond The Regret Hangover – Thoughts On Letting Go

January 11, 2013 By NATALIE Reading Time: 4 Minutes

Following on from my last post on regret hangovers, I wanted to share some thoughts on letting go because many people convince themselves that ‘letting go’ is something that happens passively, when actually, it’s a choice, one incidentally that you have to actively keep choosing to do. If you decide to let go on a Monday but then you have an off day on the Thursday, you have to make that choice otherwise you turn in the other direction and opt to hang on.

Letting go is deciding to be done.

Are you done? If you’re not done, why aren’t you? Don’t let your ego keep you holding on because not only can it end up feeling like you’re clinging on to barbed wire (especially if the person is toxic or your self-esteem is depleting) but you’ll end up regretting letting your ego be in the driving seat.

Letting go involves a willingness to move on as well as an acceptance that moving on is going to happen.

I’ve seen people devastated by bereavement. They know that they’re not going to move on immediately but that in time, they have to go back to work, laugh again, see friends, be frozen on the spot by suddenly being filled with memories while going about their business and they basically live as best as they can. Some days they win, and some days they’re not so successful at but they keep going. Sometimes we can feel guilty for ‘getting back to normal’ because we realise that we’ve been going through a good patch – this is when you have to be careful of reinvigorating your holding on efforts.

It’s tough, especially when you feel like there are some answers that you could do with, but when you make the decision to move on and let go, it means that you’re not looking to add anything. After a while, holding on becomes “Let me see what new pain I can find for myself”.

Now I know you may be tempted to drag last year into this year or maybe you already have… but it’s time to make a commitment to letting go. If you’re not moving on or willing to keep making the decision to let go, you’re saying “I’m not done yet” and “I’m not willing to forgive me”.

While you will experience painful feelings as you grieve the loss of your hopes for this person or situation, you’re not inviting any new pain into your life.

If you keep chasing them for attention and validation or suppressing your feelings with drink, drugs, overworking, eating etc, you’ll feel far worse than you will from the healthy releasing of emotions and thoughts.

I used to be afraid of feeling, afraid of crying, afraid of letting the thoughts in. All that energy I put into avoiding these things brought me a world of pain, much more I should point out, than if I’d had the courage and willingness to be vulnerable.

Why Rebound Relationships & ‘Florencing’ Are Like Hospital Stays Or Retreats For The Emotionally Wounded

November 30, 2012 By NATALIE Reading Time: 4 Minutes

Any relationship that's reliant on the other party changing to what you need and want in order for the relationship to work for you, is a non-starter and a code red.

Image credit for photo: NWK at SXC

I think it’s safe to say that everyone understands what the term “being on the rebound” means and yet time after time, many of us dare to go where we’ve already gone before and had our fingers and hearts burned, and we inflate our emotional airbags and be the “Buffer” to a rebounder. We allow ourselves to be used, whether its consciously or unconsciously, as a soft, comfortable landing for someone who is still emotionally and possibly even still legally attached to their previous relationship. What we don’t realise is that when we’re buffering, we’re actually providing a refuge for their ‘recovery’. Or we may just be helping them to remain shut off from feelings and thoughts that they’re trying to avoid.

We hope to be the exception, we hope that they’ll forget about whoever it is because, why are they still loving them when we’re right here ready to love them? We feel rejected when they don’t forget about the person they hadn’t forgotten about when we first met them and we feel even more wounded if after the breakup, they move on all ‘healed’ to a new relationship.

When this happens, it’s like you’re “the bridge” – you provide safe passage for the rebounder as they struggle emotionally and possibly physically and spiritually with the fallout from their previous relationship. When they get to the other side, they often disconnect the bridge and leave you behind, or… start scoping out other options while keeping one foot on the bridge in the meantime.

Ever been with someone who you were attracted to with their assclown or unavailable ways but were expecting them to change their character or retain what attracted you but be available? Fond of ‘florencing’, which is where you tend to be in relationships where you think you’re the solution to their problems and they’re your purpose for your fixing / healing / helping ways? If you have, you’ve likely ended up being “the bridge” there too.

When they don’t reward you with the relationship or the character that you expected, you feel disappointed, rejected, angry and even misled. You may not realise it, but being a “Buffer” or a “Florence” is passive and passive aggressive behaviour where you’ve used a mix of suppressing your own needs, expectations and people pleasing (being indispensable, the fixing / healing / helping, the seeking approval, the being super-understanding, super-accomodating and relaxing your boundaries, possibly by switching off your electric fence altogether) to assert a hidden agenda which is, you do all of this, and in return they love you and give you the relationship that you want.

Why There’s No Point In Being With Somebody Who Blows Hot & Cold

August 3, 2012 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

i don't do hot and cold. You're either in or you're out

Up until I had my epiphany seven years ago, about unavailable relationships and in particular my own unavailability, I was convinced that I had a special skill that made available men unavailable. In my mind, I would get involved with someone, incidentally who I probably didn’t even like that much, and they would be blowing seriously hot and then ‘something about me’ would make them become unavailable and start blowing lukewarm or cold. I believed that they were great guys offering great relationships and that if it weren’t for my flaws, they’d still be the same guys I’d assumed they were and offering the same relationships that I’d assumed or been led to believe that they were offering.

If you’ve ever been in an unavailable relationship, you’re likely as familiar with blowing hot and cold as you are with your own reflection. It’s gone from intense and gradually or very sharply cooled down.

They’re not as eager and in pursuit as they were before.
In fact, you’re the one doing the chasing now.
Suddenly you’re hearing excuses including about how busy they are.
Whereas you used to hear from the all the time, now there are increasing gaps.
They seem less attentive.
You feel like a pest when you get in touch.
They’ve disappeared with some lame-o excuse and come back in a rather feeble capacity that you’re now trying to breathe life into.
They get snippy with you when you remind them of things that they’ve said and even promised you.
It feels like you’re on your own with your feelings.
You can feel them pulling away, possibly because the feeling is familiar.
You’ve actually got used to breezing in for an intense ‘set’ and then them breezing out again for a while, often without hearing from them and suspecting or even knowing that there involved with others, but being OK with being their ‘appointment’.
This might be a well honed routine. When they pull away and you stop chasing them, they chase you back and then when you respond, they pull away. And lathe, rinse, repeat.

Blowing hot and cold is never a good sign and it is in fact a code red alert because you can never trust in this person enough to know what to expect from them. Your relationship will not be able to have balance, it can’t progress because they keep undermining it, they’re inconsistent (and if you stay around too long they become consistent at being inconsistent and train you to expect less from them), and as a result of all of these things, you cannot expect intimacy or commitment.

With all of this jiggering around with the hot and cold, you may think you still have something going on (the hallmarks) but your relationship will not have the landmarks.