The tricky situation: I’m a 65-year-old widow of five years, (married forty years) going through my first relationship breakup since losing my husband. I broke up with my boyfriend because I couldn’t stand the mixed messages. I can’t understand what happened and keep ruminating. He was separated (married 2 years), unhappy, and I was lonely–we had great chemistry. He came on strong but after 9 months, he hadn’t and wouldn’t tell his ex he was dating because “he didn’t want to hurt her”–claims he told her he didn’t love her.
She visits his house and wants to reconcile. He’s been pulling away from me these last few months. Based on what he’s told me about past relationships, he seemed to act in a way that would cause me to do the breaking up so he wouldn’t have to. He always said he wouldn’t hurt me but I am hurt. In retrospect, I think he always thought this was a short term relationship, maybe a time filler until getting back with his ex. I think he changed his mind about the separation. I also sense this is a pattern–he’s had many short-term relationships. His friend said the issue with his ex would never be resolved, implying that he’s done this before. He fits all of the Mr Unavailable characteristics, could never discuss intimate feelings, is very secretive and is a poster boy for your red flag list— I ignored them because I was so lonely and somewhat naive. I’ve been No Contact for almost 2 months. Can I recover without ever really knowing the truth? I’m having panic attacks. I want him to know that I know what he did. Can I trust again at my age? Should I just be content to live alone? My relationship vault is now in lockdown.
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I am so very sorry for your loss. For forty years, you knew where you were at and now you’re not only having to try and figure out how to live on without your husband but dating has changed significantly since back in the day when you met him. I hear from so many people who were in long term relationships that started before there was putting a profile online, texting, sexting, swiping left and right, talk of Friends With Benefits and booty calls, and the list goes on. They step back into dating, not realising that not everything people show or tell you online is real and taking what can often be the intensity of Future Faking and Fast Forwarding as a sign of a “happy ending”, only to wind up very disappointed and disillusioned. It’s also not helped by everyone from friends, family, society and the media making out as if your last chance saloon has gone if you’re a woman over 25, and if you take any of that guff seriously and it plays into any insecurities, you’ll jump on any attention that comes your way as if it’s your last meal.
Another factor that amped up the intensity of things is that you had what I call a Starvation or Lean Period–this is a period of time where you are starved out of affection, attention and love due to being hard on you in some way, feeling brokenhearted due to a loss, and not really knowing how to take care of you.
You mention loneliness: sometimes when you lose a loved one, due to feeling on some level as if you don’t want to be a nuisance or a burden and/or some loved ones acting what appears to be differently or even lacking empathy, you clam up and stop expressing your innermost feelings and thoughts including to yourself. This causes you to feel emotionally adrift, often triggering you into looking for something or someone to take away those feelings. When you then feel interest in someone for the first time and/or they express interest in you, it’s distorted plus, if and when things go awry, it re-opens feelings of loss and low self-worth that you’ve attempted to squash down.
You want to love and be loved and there is nothing wrong with that. It’s a natural desire. Some of this situation stems from a need for someone to come along and fill a void and when you are looking for an external solution to something internal (unhappiness with you, not feeling “enough” and that you can cope on your own, wanting someone to take away your pain etc), this significantly impacts who you choose and what you will accept.
The man who doesn’t tell his separated wife that he’s dating because he “doesn’t want to hurt her” will not tell the woman he is dating the truth when it’s needed because he “doesn’t want to hurt her” either.
The relationship was nine months and he pulled away for the last few months, suggesting that at least half of this relatively new relationship was in crisis–a code red alert. Factor in the honeymoon period where you don’t know each other yet and it appears that once normality kicked in and he had to show up and even follow through on promises, he passive aggressively edged his way out. He’s not out of contract and my spidey senses say that this is a guy who periodically gets his pants in a bunch, suddenly doesn’t feel like being married or committed, plays outside on the other green fields, and then goes back to wifey who has taken up the married Fallback Girl option of standing by her man and waiting for his tantrum to blow over. He’s not separated because he’s in the process of getting divorced; he’s having time out.
Courage is not your ex’s strong suit and he told you various stories as a subconscious means of dropping hints. He started something he could not finish. The fact that he kept insisting that he wouldn’t hurt you, aside from that being a promise that no one can make, it also suggests that you knew on some level that he was all shirt and no trousers and kept trying to get reassurance.
Here’s the thing: You already know everything–you just don’t like what you know and so you keep rejecting it, exchanging the truth for a set of untruths. What would him telling you what you already know do? What would you telling him do? You were there too. You have the truth right now it’s just that you are viewing it with the wrong perspective, stopping you from forming the conclusion that would stop your torture.
You’ve been involved with a Mr Unavailable who even if he claims it was not what he intended, used you as a form of escape from dealing with his inner problems and whatever is going on his marriage. Yes of course you are a grownup who has made choices but make no mistake: he has preyed on your vulnerability, your fear of being alone, and yes, your naivety. You were married for forty years–How are you supposed to have the experience to pick up on this man’s bullsh-t straight out the gate?
Accept what you know right now, wholly and fully. Stop trying to understand it or the situation to the nth degree. Yes, it is a loss that you have experienced (disappointment) but if you grieve it instead of beating you up, you will start to feel so much better. A great way of getting to the truth and healing from loss is writing Unsent Letters.
The panic attacks will subside when instead of rendering you helpless by trying to control the uncontrollable, you start taking care of you including taking responsibility for you. You don’t need to wait for a man to 1) be taken care of and 2) to have a good life. This would be a good time to attend grief counselling, to see your GP about the anxiety attacks, and to also look at social activities that you can partake in that will help you to not only meet and get to know people but to get to know you too. Let your loved ones in on your struggles. You will be OK. You’re never too old to love and you’re never too old to trust again. I know that life isn’t how you thought it would be but your husband no longer being here doesn’t mean his love is gone. Know also that when you love again, they’ve got to be someone that adds to your already good life, not your salvation. Don’t build a wall, build a better life for you with boundaries and self-care.
Your thoughts?
Each Wednesday, I help a reader to solve a dilemma. To submit a question, please email natalie AT baggagereclaim.com with ‘Advice Wednesday’ in the subject line. If you would prefer your question to be featured on the podcast, drop a line to podcast AT baggagereclaim.com. Keep questions below 200 words. If you want detailed one-to-one support, please use my consultation service.
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Beautiful response Natalie
Yes, Diane this is a beautiful response. Perfect for someone who is experiencing hurt from being used.
To the widow. I’ve gone through this same thing twice in my 42 years (not married but relationships). Like you, I left the first relationship feeling vulnerable. The second one took advantage of my vulnerability just when I was becoming sure of myself again. The breakup happened in the Fall of 2014. I am convinced that he used me as the ‘in between girl’ until he decided go back to his ex and child. What’s worse is that he blamed me by saying some of the most ridiculous things. I was devastated, heartbroken, unsure and sick. My forehead brokeout in acne. I felt like something was seriously wrong with me. I had to take time off work because I was having trouble focusing. I asked myself a million and one questions; wrote them down, asked my friends, read blogs, until finally I found Baggage Reclaim. Nat’s advice and stories really helped me to put things into perspective. However, no matter how many questions I asked I realized that I will never, ever know the answer. If there is an answer then trust me, it isn’t deep. Something like you were vulnerable and he is selfish and insecure.
Only time and LOTS OF SELF CARE will heal this. Lots of crying, sadness then the anger will come and lots of it! The day will come when you realize that you didn’t think about it all day. Just once or twice a day. You deserve a partner if you want one. You are good enough and there is nothing wrong with you;you are human like the rest of us. Think about how sad it is that a “mature” man like your ex is behaving this way. I’m willing to bet my bank account that he is not the happiest person (unless he is a narcissistic sociopath) in which case you should count your blessings that you got away when you did. One things for sure, this won’t happen to me again because NOW I know what to look for and so will you. All the best, A
Abby, your post just showed up on my thread even though it was posted yesterday. Thanks for commenting. You’re absolutely right, he is a mature man who is not happy, despite a seductive facade of charm and humor. He once said that he has felt lonely all his life. “You were vulnerable and he is selfish and insecure”, this nails it. I’ve been keeping a journal of the relationship; all the red flags and gut senses are right there from day one. I’ve learned a lot from this which proves you’re never too old to learn, and, I hope, to love. Hugs.
Wow, Natalie, thank you for your thoughtful, compassionate and wise response to my issue. This is indeed beautiful. I felt so taken care of as I read it. You’re right, I already know the answers and the reasons, they’re just hard to swallow. I have to come to grips with the fact that I ignored red flags and my boundaries. I consider myself forewarned. and educated This weekend I painted, re-purposed and re-arranged a couple of rooms in my house to re-claim them for myself. I also went to a beach where we always watched the sun set and reclaimed that as I drank prosecco. I did benefit from this relationship which opened me up after losing my husband. The challenge is not to shut down now. I think I will rise to the challenge as I get through the grieving. Thank you again for your insight and care on my behalf and for all of us who follow your site. Peace and good health to you.
MS
I am glad I read this today. When Natalie talked about the Starvation/Lean Period, bells went off for me. I am 30 years old and for the past five years I have put up walls and closed myself off to dating and romantic relationships altogether because of very difficult experiences with three different men. I walked from these experiences feeling that I could not trust others and that if I let someone in, they would hurt me or let me down. I was also really angry at myself for getting manipulated and used and I’ve been reading this blog since August 2012, trying to make sure I never made the same mistakes again. I swore to myself: never again.
Similar to the reader asking for advice, I met someone almost six months ago and felt my first real interest in another person in years. I was very wary, cautious and reluctant to let him in at first, but he seemed like a kind, responsible, trustworthy person who wanted to get close to me. Like the reader, we had great chemistry and clicked really well. After a few months of only seeing each other once a week, I asked him how he felt about our relationship (I was ready to progress it by that time, of course), and he basically revealed that he was only emotionally capable of having a relationship where we see each other once a week, we don’t become meaningfully involved in one another’s lives, he never wants to get married, live with someone, etc. He said that if I hadn’t brought up our relationship, he never would have told me about all these unspoken limitations. In the past three months, we’ve broken up three times and gotten back together twice. When we get back together, he says he’s willing to grow and change with me, and then later on he says we’re not compatible and it doesn’t feel right.
I keep thinking to myself: “I can’t believe I let this happen to me… AGAIN.” I’m not one to break up and get back together a bunch of times, either, but a part of me can’t accept that this situation has basically turned into Groundhog Day from five years ago. I’m angry at myself and angry at yet another person who I let in, only to have them hurt and disappoint me. I’m trying to accept the situation (like Natalie says “accept what you know is true”) but I never wanted to be in the position of grieving again in the first place and it feels like I keep repeating the same painful patterns. I guess you could say I don’t want the truth to be true.
Oh, Marie,
My heart goes out to you. First, I’m so sorry for your loss, but I’m happy you had so many years together.
As for the crappy boyfriend, I have total empathy for what you went through with that narcissistic con artist. But please take heart, having gone through a very similar thing, and thanks to Natalie and several online support groups, I have restored my sanity and enjoyed almost a year of zero contact with that lizard brain.
The trick(s) that finally worked for me were (1)to start so many projects I enjoyed doing that I was literally too busy to think about that loser.
(2) The ex was very attractive, and I kept thinking about how much I was going miss that aspect. So, I used a very flattering photo and wrote under it, “Too bad the you I thought I knew and loved never existed.
But the good news is, I have no plans to pine away and miss someone who was just a character created by a pathetic, nutcase drama queen.
P.S. I can heal, but you can’t. I win.”
I taped the picture over my desk so I’d get used to seeing that face attached to those words. Now when I inadvertently come across old pics, I actually realize the looks were not that special, I just had crazy love eyes back then that had deceived me.
I promise it gets better. Treat yourself like the goddess you are. That’s a good start. And don’t take any shit off of anyone. 🙂
Ooops, I forgot to mention one more thing that helped. Because my ex had very little emotional range, I got tons of mix CDs filled with song lyrics that I guess were supposed to substitute for the ex’s lack of true feelings.
After the break-up, hearing some of those songs again was like a hard gut punch that could ruin my whole day.
My solution was to make several copies of the CDs, and hand them out to relatives, friends, casual dates,my yard man, my hairdresser’s boss, anyone who wanted one. Now when I hear one of them, I might think, “Oh, I hope my yard man Jose’s wife liked the CD her gave her as a stocking stuffer .”
😀
Karen, I love your photo and CD assclown remedies. Great techniques to keep in the toolbox. I hope we never need to use them again.
Thanks Karen and RoseRed23, I feel surrounded by your empathy and I’m sending mine to you both. Yep, those crazy love eyes have a mind of their own. We’re so fortunate to have Natalie guiding us on our path.
Marie,
My heart went out to you so much reading this. Firstly, that you spent so many wonderful years with your husband and experienced a huge HUGE loss. And secondly, that opening up your tender heart you got it smashed and trodden on by an emotionally unavailable man (in what is inevitably a different and challenging new dating culture)
Whilst I cannot relate to being widowed, I unfortunately can relate so much to your experience with a separated man. My last boyfriend was separated with a young child – post natal depression for her had played a significant role in their marriage ending. He was so honest about his situation to me, his resolution that it was over, and his love for me and our future together when he had got through all the baggage surrounding his past life pre-meeting me. My gut told me something – that the wife would turn round, and demand they try again for the sake of the child…. Well, you can guess how it went can’t you?!
I can truly say I never experienced pain quite like it, you feel duped and even if they UNINTENTIONALLY hurt and used you to fill their massive emotional void from marital woes, you are left with what feels like nothing. Like you, I was desperate to know if they were happy/if they were working or not working/if he would leave/if she would leave and….. if he might come back to me. I thought knowing or not knowing would kill me either way and I was stranded in a terrible place of emotional limbo.
As a person who prides themselves on being assertive, smart and self-aware/insightful this ruined me as I couldn’t pull myself together and see the situation for what it was/is. You don’t need the ‘answer’ from them to see it, it’s self-explanatory.
Time helps – I used to want to tell people to p**s off when they told me that! It’s been four months for me, sometimes I still cry missing him and other days I hardly think of him. Moving on isn’t a linear process by any means but looking after yourself, reminding yourself of the cold hard facts in front of you and being gentle to YOU is what moves you forwards, bit by bit. Sending you much love xxx
Georgia, thank you for your post. I’m so sorry to hear about your experience and the pain it has caused you. Having endured both a death after a long marriage and a breakup after a 9 month relationship I see that pain from grieving loss is still pain from grieving loss. I did wonder about that after my husband died thinking about friends who had gone through divorce or breakup. Every loss brings disappointment, a new upside down world to negotiate, fear, anger, longing, the full box of emotions delivered right to your door in either scenario. Time does indeed help. My roller coaster ride is less extreme than it was two months ago, so in another two months perhaps things will calm down even more, though I expect there will be aftershocks for a while – I still miss my husband terribly especially when I go to market and have reason to buy only 3 bananas at a time. Nat’s reply to my query and all of the comments here and throughout this site have been life saving. Thank you. I wish all of us contentment, self-confidence, joy and a 6-banana shopping cart if the RIGHT person comes along.
Marie,
I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband. That banana example really touched me. Lots of hugs. Just from reading your responses to Nat and BR ladies,you come across as such a beautiful soul. You desrve better, not that AC. I can’t believe that someone who I imagine would be in his 60s still playing these immature games,wow..whoever said wisdom comes with age! He took advantage of your vulnerability with no ounce of empathy. How low can these creatures go? I do second what everyone has said about that AC and your situation. Hang in here for support,you won’t regret. All the best in your journey to comming to terms with your loss, and recovering from the Asscrown shady-ness.xx
Thank you, Afrok. Yes….. his is a case of arrested development and self-involvement at the age of 62. Underneath his charm and genuinely good qualities, he lives with lies, secrets and low self-esteem, a lonely existence. Goes to show that an unexamined life provides no room for growth. I feel sorry for his next victims. I’m now at a stage where I’m angry enough to realize that this breakup is truly his loss. Wishing you peace.
This line stopped me in my tracks: “he told you various stories as a subconscious means of dropping hints.”
This crystallizes my thoughts of what happened in my last relationship. She kept telling me subtle things that just seemed so inappropriate and hurtful and I kept wondering why she would do that. It was as if she was trying to get me to leave. Why else would someone say those kinds of things. Foolishly, I didn’t so she had to do the dirty work and did a terrible, cowardly job of it. I kept telling myself that I was going to take things at face value and not read into them but in retrospect, I was wrong. I kept asking myself, “is this something to break up over?” Each incident by itself seemed like it was not something to break up over but taking them in totality they sure were. I too kept a journal of the relationship and there were many red flags. Yes, it was my weakness/neediness that kept me from walking.
I’m now in a relationship with another woman and there’s only been one amber flag in 4 months. Being with a ‘normal’ person is so refreshing. I’ll never go back to that craziness I had with the 2 post-divorce EU’s/CP’s.
Natalie- thanks so much for your blog and insight. It’s truly a gift to humanity.
One of my favorite quotes: “there is no birth of consciousness without pain.” Jung
Yes, Scott… most of his communication during the relationship took the form of so much hinting, and yet he was at my house most days of the week. If I asked questions he either shut down or diverted with humor. He possessed no ability to discuss anything intimate or to show empathy. After hearing a song on the radio, on the way home from an overnight road trip, he actually said to me “this is a song about loving someone while knowing that the relationship will end; Isn’t it beautiful?” My gut registered that comment but my brain didn’t. I still feel it in my gut when I think of him saying that. My eyes are more open now and when I see friends with “normal” partners, or remember my late husband I think, ‘oh, yeah, that’s what emotional availability looks like’. I was blinded by “crazy (vulnerable) love eyes” as Karen says and the “starvation period” as Natalie so accurately nailed it. Evolution is slow and painful but I trust not too slow for growth in this lifetime.
Oh, and I remember when I was breaking up with him I said I would step aside so he could figure out his life and that I wouldn’t bother him, a smile actually crossed his lips. I’ll never forget that sly, victorious smile.
Please guide, my child is going through a medical issue. I had to contact his father, who lives in a different country, to come and help me deal with the situation (not financially, but only in terms of managing our child). His father and I divorced 2 years ago after a very vicious phase. His father is here now, in my city, living in his house here.
How should I navigate this phase with my boundaries in place, as ex is known to press reset button. The father is a narcissistic , self centred egotistic person. I have absolutely no interest in him, and dont know what I saw in him when I married him.
I do trust myself and so far have been very professional with him, restricting to talking only about the treatment, but with these smooth talkers, I am 100% sure he would try to charm. How should I tackle it professionally without him withdrawing. Yes, he has used withdrawal and blaming before to get what he wants.
Think about him as a difficult work colleague and that you work at the same company.
With this in mind, change the way you communicate with him (in the first six months after my son’s dad left, I only communicated with my ex by email). No texts, no impromptu phone calls to catch up etc.
Keep contact to a minimum and try not to be with him alone.
You’ll be fine. But as we all know thanks to nml we need to shoe that we have changed via our actions, not our words.
Good luck
Thank you Madeleine, I am proud so say so far I have been very professional, to the point, avoided impromptu phone calls and texts. I am also going to use email as the primary source of communications. I strongly resisted so far any talk about money to support our child. My wiser self tells not to talk anything about money, as that leaves me vulnerable and opens a can of worms.
@wiser2; also check back into BR or with trustworthy friends if anything seems off base. Remember to put your self interest and mental health ahead of any ‘oughts’ and ‘shoulds’. It seems you are worried that your actions won’t match your values and just knowing this might happen might be enough to keep you alert.
Thanks a lot Suki, this is exactly I am concerned about, my actions or words will not match my values. I am stronger than before, catch Bs faster, but sometimes when I an not aware enough I become the old self sabotaging self derogatory person. The stress of my child’s health is also not helping, I become scared that I do not do something which will upset ex that would make him withdraw emotional support to our child, who live with me. Difficult!
Hello. This blog helps. I’m pushing 50 never married, never experienced relationship long-termed. My whole adult life date has been me as the friend, extra, sidekick, OT. Accepting crumbs just for a minute chance of a love life exp. never afforded to me. Such a shame. It’s sad, embarrassing and a life I never pictured for myself. Ive always considered myself and decent looking with something to offer, full of promise and potential but death occurs as each year passes 20s, 30s, now late into my 40s. I am facing scarry and uncomfortable facts. I’m older, may never marry, may have to lay dreams to rest.
My heart goes out to those whose lost a love one. I grieve burying a love i never met.
Thanks for listening!
Hi Q,
Don’t be so hard on yourself. One can find love at any age. Well, in the process that might involve tripping on few ass clowns/holes. We have all been there. I have had a good share of ACs and I have those moments where I wonder what’s wrong with moi? How comez others get the good ones. What has changed though,Is my capacity to detect AC behaviour and opt out early, while in the past I would have hang around for as long as the AC decided they have had enough of me. Hence the waste of time (weeks,months or years) and opportunity to find worthy partners. And because ourself esteem is on life support when AC finally dumps you, you land right into the arms of another AC waiting in line.That has been my experience. I’m a work in progress after 3 years of BR dose. I just posted recently on ghosting experience, so I stumbled there lol. However, in the past I would not have seen that as an issue,and would work harder to prove my worthy to the AC. You are on the right path in terms of recognising your AC magnet pattern and you couldn’t ask for the best community to be for support. We are in this together, everyone here is supportive so stick around and you will see the changes. Read all previous BR articles and members’ contributions. Natalie has left no stone unturned on anything you need to learn on everything dating. Hugs.
First, I am sorry for the OP’s loss both of her life partner and then to step back into dating and have to deal with this asshole who never really made her a priority. And kudos to the OP for going No Contact and staying that way even though she has unanswered question that are causing her pain.
I can say that as a woman trying to date at 51, unavailable men are unavailable men, they play the same games in their 50’s that they do in their 20’s and 30’s.Not making an “all men are like that” statement but boy I managed to attracted a lot of them. I made an effort this last year to put myself out there after healing from a divorce and honestly on the one hand I am proud of myself that I stepped out of my shell but on the other hand, I really fell on my face more than once.
I went to counseling and “worked on myself” but had to face the reality that I am not there yet. I still have that need for validation. I decided though rather than beat myself up about that I would just accept it is always going to be my struggle and to do more self work in the form of reading, thinking, journaling and trying to revive an old hobby. I am not built for online dating, maybe really nobody is. I finally decided between the obvious scammers, the younger men striving for the cougar experience that I have no intention of providing, the men who want a text relationship for ego boosting, and the men who do the come on strong and disappear routine that I am too thin skinned for the circus right now and need to do why more self validation an inner core work. I humiliated myself a few times and then berated myself for doing so and then just threw up my hands. I would rather opt out than allow myself to become angry or resentful, it takes too much energy and it just turns in at me so more now I decided to hand in my resignation to dating and do something else.
Hi Paula, You sound like an intelligent, thoughtful person who is working on yourself. This can only make you stronger and wiser no matter what your future holds, and that’s something we can’t predict. Inner work, hobbies and projects are things no one else can ever take from us, they serve to build self-esteem. We’re all works in progress. Don’t give up on anything per se, but focus on yourself. Your strength and resilience are qualities that will get you through whatever life presents. Hugs.
Thanks for your kindness Marie. I am not giving up exactly but as you said switching the focus to myself. I have recently taken up a hobby I abandoned years ago that I want to put more effort into. Ironically enough, it was a man who treated me badly who encouraged me to do so after I showed him some work. I am more or less going into passive mode with dating, if somebody shows up fine. If somebody does not show up, that is fine as well. I have taken recent experiences as a bit of a sign from the universe they my energies and efforts were not well directed. And because I have attracted more than one unavailable person over the last year or so, I think I want to work on self love, self appreciation, and self work, because the common denominator here has me been. I am not saying I am treating myself as a “problem” and beating myself up but until I can attract somebody healthy it is better I think to attract nobody at all.
I agree, Paula. This is where I’m placing my focus as well. The worst that can happen is that I understand myself better and I get back to long-ignored projects/interests that at one time gave me sustenance. Here’s to a fulfilling, authentic life.
Marie, I am so sorry for your loss. Please be kind and patient to yourself. It’s only normal that you are struggling after losing your husband! And I think it’s great that you already now (after only 9 months) that the 2nd man was bad for you. It shows you are emotionally strong. But Nat is right, find the right people with whom to be able to say “I feel lonely, I need you”.
Everytime I come here and read our stories I think of how much we need friends, first and foremost, and the most important friend is ourselves.
It has taken me years to be able to fill the void that was in me, but I can promise you, once it’s full, there’s no going back. These days, even when bad things happen, or bad people cross my path, I stand firm. I am detached from them: they don’t have the power to hurt me, to reach me anymore. It must be the boundaries (instead of walls: I had walls before, and how much fun it was for EUpeople and manipulative a**ho*** to try and tear them down….)
I am seeing a man and it’s normal. He is a normal person. We are in the first stages and I am taking it slow, while also letting go a bit, you know, just like “normal” people do 🙂 it’s working. The man I’m seeing isn’t flashy, and at the beginning he seemed a bit dull, a bit too quiet, a bit too geeky. He’s fun, instead, and intelligent, and a supportive listener. My younger self would have rejected him at the first approach. Sad me needed a lot of (fake) colours, a lot of noise…
There are many good people, good men and women out there, but when we are lonely we tend to go for “flashy”, for the ones who shower us with attention, who promise to fill the void, quickly and forever.
It used to be the same for me, too: but now these people make my radar “ping”, and they seem a bit sad, a bit pathetic with their constant acting and lying and trying to manipulate…
Take your time to grieve, dear Marie, and be sweet to you, always.
Lovely comment
I greatly appreciate your kind, smart words, Misa. My failed relationship served as a catalyst to do more inner work. I thought I was fairly evolved and aware but I definitely have a lot more to learn; I guess that will be true forever, as it should be. ‘Boundaries vs. walls’ is a great reminder, I’m pasting that on my computer desktop. I am now focusing on filling the void in therapy, with projects, in trying new activities, so I’ll have a stronger foundation no matter what comes up. I was operating from a place of lack and I want my strength back. It’s heartening to hear that you have a mate who is supportive and real. Thank you and hugs.
I was widowed at the age of 44. My then beautiful, strong amazing husband died suddenly at age 40. We were together for 20 years. I can very much relate to this widow’s letter. For me, I was married to a very loving, committed man and neither one of us had a choice when he was taken from this world. I was used to being with a man that had my back and loved and supported me every step of the way. After I grieved his death hard for three years, I met a man another 8 months later. So here I was almost four years out. I was ready to put myself out there again. He was wonderful in the beginning, then started to pull away. I was devastated. I really fell for this guy. I just couldn’t understand why he’d do this to me, ESPECIALLY when he knew my circumstances and that I was a widow. Throw in another year of me not being able to let go and him continuing to hurt and use me, and it was finally over. It took time, but I finally realized it wasn’t about me. It was about his inability to have both feet in the relationship. Like the original writer of the letter, it was about a man that had no intention of committing, has a pattern of this type of behavior, and in no way reflects her ability to love and be loved. It took time for me to come to terms with this as well, because I had already had my heart broken in the worst possible way. Now here I was facing my first post widowhood breakup and it was very painful. I cried that it was like pain heaped on top of pain. But the day WILL come when you realize it wasn’t your inability, but his, and you will survive and move forward. And you’ll be so thankful that you didn’t wind up with the booby prize.
Erika, how similar our stories are. I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband, and at such a young age. I am also sorry for the pain and great disappointment of your subsequent relationship. I’m beginning to really understand that the ex is fundamentally unable to be emotionally intimate. When he gets too close he shuts down. He’s not the guy for me even though we had great times. Bottom line is the big things like values, integrity, intimacy, honesty, didn’t jive and it took a toll on my self-esteem. As Natalie says, “Don’t mistake chemistry and common interests for shared values. A connection isn’t the same as intimacy.” Though you and I both know what a healthy relationship looks like, which serves as a strong foundation, I temporarily lost my way but I’m working hard to get back to myself. I must always remember what it feels like to have a partner who has my back. In the meantime I shall have my own back. Thank you for sharing your story. Your encouragement is greatly appreciated. I wish you a fulfilling life.
Marie
First off, sorry for your loss. I lost a husband of 12 years, not by death, but by circumstances. It’s hard when you know what a good relationship looks like to settle for anything less. Its also hard to see something in ones home that reminds you “someone cared for me once”. We become isolated, lonely, and are vulnerable to the first EU that stumbles in our path. I am 10 years younger than yourself, and yep, dating has become a very weird place. Part of it may be geographic issues (Westerners routinely behave in ways that Northerners wouldn’t even dream of), the ratio of functional, healthy men in our age group are fewer than women, and society overall honors the disconnected, the narcissistic, the unavailable, the irresponsible. Since we were partnered for long periods, we are naive, and cannot possibly recognize behaviors we’ve never encountered before. I wasted a number of years with a Narc colleague simply because I had no clue what I was dealing with. BR is really helpful in teaching us about behaviors we’ve never dealt with in our own lives. Marie, sorry to sound harsh, but dating now is more a process of elimination. You find someone, you step back, pay attention, DO NOT attach until the person unfolds so that if you have to bail, you do so quickly, with a minimum of pain. Words mean nothing now, look at actions. I am currently having doubts about my current bf (a widower). He is in another state trying to sell his late wifes home and not communicating much. I sit back, pay attention. Depending on where you live, your lifestyle, I suggest meeting folk IRL, not on line. On line is a minefield of unavailable and I think works best for average lifestyle women looking for average lifestyle guys. If you’re anywhere outside the mean, it’s a very frustrating experience plus you cannot read someone’s nuances, non verbals which can tell you a lot. Good luck and stay with BR. Lots of good info here.
Great advice, Noquay! Thank you. I am sorry for your loss as well. You’re right, in the early stages it has to be about gathering information about the other person. At this age the baggage that people carry is enormous if they have chosen to live unexamined lives. I am very wary of online dating. In the meantime I’m working hard on myself and learning what led me here, how I can treat myself with more respect, and feel contentment in the present with or without a partner. Natalie and all of the site’s followers, including yourself, are an invaluable support system in that process. Thanks again. I wish you well.
Noquay, thank you so much for writing that response. I beat myself up a lot for not seeing the man I was dating, for who he was. Your sentence “we are naïve, and cannot possibly recognize behaviors we’ve never encountered before” was something I had to come to terms with and eventually forgive myself for. I had only known unconditional love. I entered into my first post widowhood relationship with the same mindset. So when the behavior started, I was in unfamiliar territory. I thought it was me, I had done something wrong. I didn’t love enough, understand enough, give enough. Nope. I was just fine. He was emotionally unavailable, always was and always would be. I now do exactly what you suggested. If I meet someone, I step back, pay attention and don’t attach until the person unfolds. When I see bad behavior, I now bail instead of making excuses or giving them the benefit of the doubt. Widowhood is a journey. There are many twists and turns, but now I pay closer attention to the road.
Hi Marie,
Thank you for having the courage to share your story and to stay strong as you have been. Life is full of challenges and i am sure this one will allow you to value, love and respect you even more. Dedicate your time to things that will nurture your spirit and brighten your inner light. Being surrounded by nature always helps me.
Reading your letter was almost like reading my own story, with the exception that he was not separated, he had broken up with his EX a year before we started dating. My experience in short, went from love bombing, asking me if i wanted to be his wife, to one day, out of the blue, breaking up with me via text, to being gaslighted, laughed at, neglected, emotionally abused, to love bombing again, to reasuring me that he wanted to marry me, to breaking up with me again by stating that we should just be friends because he had not been over his ex.
No contact after that has been applied and i am now just trying to focus on me, even though this experience has been really hard to accept. I have shed many tears but one of the questions that keeps on popping up in my mind is: do these people ever pay for what they do to others? They just never seem to have to suffer the consequences of their behaviour.
Have you or anyone here felt the same way? If so, i just wanted to see how you have copped with it and what you have concluded to move on.
Again, thank you for sharing your story and i hope you stay strong and continue your journey with love, care and respect.
Hello Staying Strong, Your experience truly sounds like an extremely painful roller coaster ride. Congratulations on the NC. It was so hard for me at first, acknowledging that it was truly over, that I wouldn’t be communicating with him, but it’s been 2 months and I can honestly say that I feel a slight shift in my mood and thoughts. I still miss him, and feel sad, but I realize that I miss his good points, not the painful part and shady behavior. I’m relieved that the confusion, insecurity, anxiety and distrust are not my concern any longer. He is not interested in working on himself which means that he’ll always act the same way in any relationship. He once told me that he has felt lonely his whole life. This is what emotional unavailability does to a person; this is how they pay. It’s a steep price which I wouldn’t want in any case. When I’m feeling compassionate toward him I feel sorry for his state. It’s ultimately isolating which is why he’s had only short term relationships. I wouldn’t want to be him. I fear that he will grow old alone, though I hope that’s not true. I mistakenly thought I would be the exception but exceptions aren’t possible when the other person takes no responsibility for their actions and chooses not to change. He also future faked me by implying that we would move in and retire together, go on a cross-country trip, etc. Focusing on ourselves is now the only thing we can do and can only benefit us. Self-care is not selfish. I see that contentment, fulfillment and peace are possible, though I’m not totally there yet. I still have dips but I’m learning and trying even if I have to just act the part. I trust it will come for all of us because we are willing to do the work; reading Natalie’s blogs is evidence that we’re going through the process and willing to do the hard work. I wish you peace and clarity and beautiful self-esteem.