In the recent guest post by Trish, her Mr Unavailable made a lot of noise about spending Christmas together and then went dark on her the day before. Instead, he spent it with his ex-wife and ex-girlfriend! And if that wasn’t bad enough, he messed her about for another couple of Christmases. This begs the question:
Why does someone pretend that they’re going to be and do more than they actually intend?
Why does someone talk about the future (often unprompted), make plans with you, and take you down a merry path of believing them, when, in actual fact, they have zero intention of coming anything close to doing any of these things?
My inbox is filling up with emails from people who are bewildered by the deceptiveness of their romantic partners.
Faking a future with you or, as I call it, Future Faking, is when someone intimates or promises a future to get what they want in the present.
Particularly at a time of year when everyone around you seems to be making plans, Future Faking can be downright nasty and wounding.
Telling porkies isn’t just for Christmas, though. It happens all year round. When you’re involved with someone who’s reactive and inclined to say and do whatever it takes to get what they want now, you’re dealing with a Future Faker.
It’s the cheater that says, ‘You know my situation’, and ‘Of course I’m gonna leave her and be with you!’ And that person that says, ‘So what are we doing this Christmas?’ Then disappears days before, only resurfacing after Christmas has passed. They pretend that nothing happened or that you misunderstood.
It’s the person that says, ‘I want us to be together every day. Give up the lease on your flat and let’s move in together. Next thing, they’re suddenly ‘overwhelmed’, ‘busy’, or ‘unsure about us’.
So many people get caught short by Other People’s Fantasies.
Why do people fake a future with you? To get what they want in the present.
There are two sets of people who proffer these damaging fantasies:
The ones who intentionally say and do the right things so that they get what they want.
Maybe they benefit financially, get their ego stroked, a shag, a shoulder to lean on, less hassle about them delivering on promises, whatever. These people are particularly passive-aggressive. They appear to be going along with you when, all the while, they’re creeping around behind your back doing something else so that they do what they always intended to do anyway.
Then there are the ones who mean it as much as they could at the time.
They want to believe that they’ll do these things, and they’re quick to jump into relationships. However, due to their overall nature of their actions not matching their words, they’re reactive. They’re very Out Of Sight, Out of Mind. This means that the moment the dust settles a little and the realisation dawns that they have to commit to what they’ve said and follow through, they panic. It then becomes about extricating themselves out of things. They’ll do this either in a dramatic manner by just disappearing, for example, or by subtly and passive-aggressively shifting their way out of things. Maybe they orchestrate a fight by behaving like a jackass so that you react and then they can find an excuse to dodge whatever bullet they’re trying to dodge.
Future Fakers say and do what they need to minimise confrontation and obstacles that prevent them from getting what they want.
Let’s be real: If they were upfront and didn’t make plans, it would create the potential for conflict. We’d see who they really are. That, and they wouldn’t get what they want. Or, at least they think they wouldn’t. It’s this sense that they have to engage in this subterfuge, otherwise, they won’t get sex, attention, etc. They actually think it makes them attractive. And to be fair, it often works.
The thing is, either way, it’s shoddy, shitty behaviour that has a devastating impact on the person that takes them at their word.
If, for instance, the cheat said, ‘Actually, I have no intention of leaving my wife and all we’re ever going to do is shag a couple of times a week and meet up for the occasional lunch with texts and emails in between’, you might think it was a bum deal and opt out. You wouldn’t think they, or the paltry ‘relationship’ on offer, are attractive.
What you have to realise with the type of person who would actually fake a future with you is that much like with assclowns and Mr/Miss Unavailables not just being born yesterday, neither is the person that fakes a future.
The Future Faking isn’t a one-off! They’ve done it before.
They don’t wake up at 35 or 44 or 53 or whatever and think, ‘Oh I’ll just start lacking in integrity and leading people on a merry dance’. They’re always overstating and then having to extricate themselves out of awkward situations. It’s a tendency to overestimate their capacity for a relationship or their level of interest. They exaggerate themselves.
They are practised at Future Faking.
How do I know? Because the type of people that fake a future with you take no responsibility for the fact that you get drawn into their illusions.
It’s one thing if you’re coming up with your own illusions and adding two and two and making ten. At least then you’re getting carried away and not sanity checking your ideas. That’s where you’re future faking yourself. However, Future Fakers often don’t have to say and do the things that they do. They don’t have to say they want to marry you, move in, spend Christmas together, have babies, spend every waking moment with you, love and cherish you and blah, blah, blah. They definitely don’t have to do it a hot minute after meeting you. But they do.
This arises when they’re in a ‘hot’ phase where they feel desire and excitement and fall into their pattern.
Future Fakers mistake intensity for intimacy. Or, at least, they want you to.
The booby trap is when, after they’ve blown hot and you’ve been drawn in, they become frightened that you may expect, want, or need ‘too much’ based on what they said and did. So they manage down your expectations by blowing cold or lukewarm. Or, yes, straight-up disappearing or ending things.
Future Fakers are users and flip flappers. You’ll never know where you are with them.
They create the mess and then take no responsibility for it, claiming, ‘You’ve got the wrong idea’. Or they say, ‘I don’t know what gave you that impression’. Um, they gave you that idea and impression! And when you’re blindsided by the shift in their behaviour (and trust me you will be), you might become filled with self-doubt and believe them. Side note: that’s gaslighting. It will be the start of a ride down a slippery slope where you feel you can’t trust yourself or call them on their behaviour.
You can’t always protect yourself from Future Fakers because, depending on when you discover the first ‘fake-off’, it might be the first time you experience a code red alert.
But remember that the ‘fake-off’ is just another example of someone’s actions not matching their words.
It’s critical to slow down and listen to yourself.
Acknowledge and process the fact that someone is all talk and very little action. Or that their behaviour might be intense and too fast. Would this behaviour normally make you feel uncomfortable or wary? Have you been in a situation like this before and so recognise intensity isn’t the same as intimacy? It can also be a sign of destabilisation. Listen to the warning signs!
If you’re used to someone saying one thing and doing another, make sure that when they discuss anything big with you, you get them definitively on it. Make concrete plans. This way, if and when things go tits up, they can’t pull the ‘You misunderstood me’ line on you.
And always make sure there are consequences.
If they, for one moment, think they’ve gotten away with it, it won’t be the last time you put up with their fakey ways!
Being involved with Future Fakers, who don’t always reveal their ways immediately, means you may not be able to avoid them pulling a stunt on you. If, however, you keep your feet firmly in reality, have boundaries, and call them on their behaviour, you can implement damage control rather than buying into subsequent lies and illusions to try to make the previous ones true.
If you’ve already been caught out by a Future Faker, my heart goes out to you. And whatever you do, do not blame yourself for their fakery. If it’s happening to you now, step back. Take refuge with people who have more integrity and care, such as family and friends.
If you’re worried that you’re with a Future Faker and think you’re about to have a disappointment thrown your way, take control of the situation. Don’t wait for them to determine how you spend the Christmas/Holidays. Please don’t start playing Columbo trying to catch them out, though. Game-playing is never the solution. Call them up and double confirm your plans. Have a plan B ready.
Ultimately, stay away from Future Fakers. Aside from messing with your mind and your plans, they’re flakey, deceptive, and lacking in empathy. If you’re serious about being happy, you can’t be with someone who can’t keep it real and act with love, care, respect, and trust. People who do have genuinely good intentions are uncomfortable saying that they can be and do more than they’re capable of. They’ll be keen to keep it real with you so you can have a real relationship.
Your thoughts?
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Once again Nat, you have hit the nail on the head.
This was so true to my own situation – my EUM was planning his future life with me in detail after only a couple of months – withdrew – came back – then started replanning the future once again….
Very familiar!!
It was those alluring visions of a glorious future together that really sucked me in, even though I actually laughed out loud when my ex tracked me down by email. His first message to me was so clearly a ploy to “start something” with me — and he hadn’t spoken to me in over 30 years! How the hell did HE know if *I* was even right for him?!!!
And yet… I fell for it all, hook, line and sinker, because no one else had ever said such wonderful things to me before. It only took him about two months to realize he couldn’t back up his words with actions – and then he turned into a real jerk. Rude, hurtful, just plain old mean at times. Never making that mistake again!
I’m all too familar with that situation in my past! Now I always am careful if their words match up to what they say… and if they seem to be “offering too much to soon” – I run!
Wow wow wow, ….. Natalie did we date the same guy!?!?
Just this past summer we had run into eachother (after going 8 months strong with no contact) and he flat out said “What i’m saying to you is – Just let me know when you’re ready” As he rubbed my back and played with my hair.
I thought my heart was about to leap out of my chest with joy. (of course not asking him at that point what he ACTUALLY meant by that statement with the fear of scaring him off – AGAIN. )
I brought it up in our conversation the very next day, his response:
“I said that…? To you..? ….. About the 2 of us??”
With the most confused face i had ever seen.
“Listen …. i just don’t have time for a relationship… I told you that the last time we had this conversation”
WAC JOB.
Thank you again for this girl! Much needed…. i second guessed myself for 3 years, thinking i was the one “confused”.
What a relief to read this article. Thank you! I forwarded it to the resident assclown in my life, a married guy who carried me along for years with promises of a future together… and will he “get it”?? No! But, I feel better knowing the truth. Thank you!
Thank God that I have trusted my gut to ask the questions before I let him move in, sell my house, move to Minnesota, whatever. Unfortunately, the damage was already done at that point as I was sucked into the promise of the future. I didn’t have all the material damage with which to contend, but I did question myself as a result. Thank you NML for these words: “If you’ve already been caught out by a future faker, my heart goes out to you and whatever you do, do not blame yourself for the fact that someone has behaved in this manner towards you.” I need to keep hearing that.
Wow! Thank you so much! You just completely explained everything that was happening to me. I so appreciate this article. I was so sick of the nagging self-doubt I was experiencing and now I know why. You are awesome! Is there a Tweet button somewhere?
If you remember in my other comments left I ranted about how he blew hot and cold on an extreme level. This is exactly what I meant. I got very badly caught out and I know why 🙁 I’d spent the last 5 years with men who gave me nothing much. So when I met this guy who wanted or appeared to want to give me everything, well I actually thought I’d somehow, finally met a guy that I deserved, who wasn’t afraid of commitment and included me in his future. I was so excited 🙁 as the post mentioned, most of all the expectations set, were set by him. I was taken into his family, who I might add are upset by his behaviour as they still love me. He made plans about moving out, joint saving acc, each week we would set aside money to our savings to buy stuff for out place, each month we would run around buying stuff, we spent thousands. He even chose our dog 🙁 he would talk excitedly about it to me and friends. He even wrote a 5 year plan with me. But then any time he blew cold he would withdraw all that. Suddenly he would be unsure and spend days to weeks confused, moody, quite, not show any affection. It was horrible! Then he would bounce back excited, in love and back to big plans. Little by little he withdrew every big or small expectation he set up. It has been one of the most confusing hurtful and damaging things for me. I really believed I’d finally found someone to start a life with and I believed everything he said. Then he left, he left everything we purchased with me, like it meant nothing 🙁 I was then expected to go from this great high to being just his friend and do all the things we did before (except sex) only as best buddys. Some people say I shouldn’t have expectations but that’s unfair, especially given I never had them to begin with. This guy really tricked me because I’m used to men being more open about their Assclown behaviour but thus was so hidden under an exterior of future dreams and actually building a life. After being his friend for awhile I couldn’t take it. It seemed like I had to pretend to be ok with everything and if I didn’t something was wrong with me. My heart was broken and I was exhausting managing my feelings, our new friendship and all the continued mixed messages I was recieving plus we work together and he was still blowing hit and cold. Only now it was one minute best friends the next didn’t acknowledge me. It’s been 3 months since he dumped me. It’s also been about 6 weeks since I decided I’d had enough and started the ncr. Since I started this i’ve continued to watch this drop kick go hot and cold, one minte nice emails, trying to say hi to the next cold emails, trying to get reactions, showing acts of moodiness in the kitchen like smashing plates aroung, slamming cubboards, watching over me. If I’m sad at work and quiet, he leaves me alone however if I’m happy, laughing and looking confident he seems to come in with the email or trying to make a contact. I’ve spent months trying to sift through my heartache and confusion. Thankfully what I always new deep down has been proven, on the way he acted as friends and the way he is acting eith the ncr. The only one who was inconsistant and created drama and blew hot and cold was him and ge is still doing it. Xmas is hard for me because I don’t have family, so after going from a big family last year to thus year nothing and heartbreak, well it’s tuff. I have gone from a little fantasy of him sending some huge email, explaining things, telling me he made a mistake. But I now no thanks to this blog, it’s just be wanting validation, for him to see I’m a lovely girl who didn’t deserve this. Now if that thought pops into my mind I’m filled with dread because not only will it infridge on my quiet time, my holidays to be away from him at work, my time to get some strength and resilience back. It will Also mean absolutly nothing, cause me confusion and annoy me. I’ll validate myself, thanks very much. I’m going to use what another person said on your blog. This Xmas my gift to myself is to be free from him, to keep the control if my future by not breaking my ncr, by being free of his confusion, by mending and learning and looking towards my future.
Time for a cup of tea 🙂 take care xxx
Dear Trinity,
Something you mentioned is happening to me too:
“I was then expected to go from this great high to being just his friend and do all the things we did before (except sex) only as best buddys.”
What I want to know is, why would guys want this? Why would they deny themselves sex if they could still get that too? Do they get some perverse fun out of denying us sex too?
Thanks for any insights you can share…
Thank you….I thought I was going crazy until I found this site. I was very cautious with dating but when he walked into my life it was like a whirlwind. He promised me the moon, called everything he owned “ours”. “Us” was the topic of every conversation. Then he would just shut off. Last Christmas it happened in Mexico. He broke up with me saying I “needed too much attention.” All because I wanted to hold his hand. Unbelievable! I didn’t hold onto that red flag too long and took him back weeks after. Long emails about how much he loved me won me back. Things were great for months until recently took a job in another state. He spoke of marriage, told me he was going to buy me a ring…etc… He ended up leaving my bed one morning and writing me an email break up within a week. After a year and a half I got an email! The following day I went to return his keys to his “our” place only to find his ex wife packing for him. Yeah….that sucked! Now he’s emailing me and trying to get a reaction. Honestly if it wasn’t for this site I would be sucked in again. This has been my saving grace. Thank again!
Thanks NML for another informative post. I think it is key to really listen to what people say to us, particularly men. People lie…sad but true they do and I have learned not to put much stock in what people say, I’ve learned the hard way to watch what they do, because that is the true measure of their integrity. Men who are future fakers (love that term, NML! 🙂 ) know just what to say to get what they want, that is their modus operendi. They know we want to hear about having babies together, getting married, travelling together, living together…they know we are desperate for love and attention and that we aren’t going to be very discerning about who we get it from. We hardly stop to ask ourselves do we want this man, is he right for me? does he fit my life? Do I even like him?
We as women MUST give up the fairy tale and live our lives like grown ass women!. There is no knight in shinging armor who will rescue us from our lives. He is an illusion that lives in our heads and needs to be evicted..PRONTO. This is our lives. The only ones we have as far as we know and it is OUR responsibility not to allow people to take us for a ride. NML has written several times about setting and respecting boundaries, knowing who you are and what you are willing to take from a relationship, these articles are priceless because they help open our eyes to the power we have to say NO! To walk away, to love ourselves enough to say NO MORE..no more lies, no more fake ass promises, no more dangling on a string…
It’s ok to be without a man. It’s ok to be selfish if that means you save yourself from unnecessary heartache and pain, it’s ok to walk away. It’s ok to be in love with yourself!! if we loved ourselves with the same unconditional love we give to these low lifes, if we treated ourselves with the same tenderness and sweetness we shower on these cretins, if trusted oursleves half as much as we blindly trust these “men” imagine where we would be in our lives? Imagine how much we could accomplish? imagine how happy and contet we would be? imagne how confident? then we would radiate love from within us into the world, the universe even and we would then be ready to truly accept love from another, because then we’d know we were worth it.
So this holiday season, I’m going to enjoy being alive, being with my family, being with those that love, honor and respect me, being happy that i am blessed to live another year and continuing to learn to trust myself and setting and respecting my boundaries, if I do these things then all who I ALLOW into my life must do the same.
Trinity my heart goes out to you at this time. You are worth so much more than what that a**hole can ever offer you – as you are quite aware of now. What a childish dickhead to put you through that – I’ve been there myself and have always thought it was something I’ve done – but now we know better:).
Stay strong and don’t give in to his childish ways, you are a strong woman. Good Luck and I wish you a very happy xmas(a**hole free):-) aswell as all the other ladiez on this site.
I think Krissie’s comment’s beautiful and so spot on. As for the post – amazing Natalie . So right. So accurate! Occasionally I wonder whether I’ve been too harsh by going out in a blaze of glory, telling the EUM to F. off and going no contact, then I read something brilliant like this post and I realise that he deserves no sympathy, and that the grief I felt at what happened was valid. Thanks Natalie.
I have found myself in this unfortunate situation as we speak. I don’t know why I just don’t walk away, but everything that was stated is so on point. I have only been dating this guy for about 2 months. He has taken me to meet his family, talks about me to his best friends, the whole bit. But will NOT make me his girlfriend or even agree to stop seeing other women to solely focus on me to see if we would get on as a couple.
He plays the hot/cold card. He came on very strong at the beginning and now it seems to be only when he deems necessary that I get the same attention. His excuse is not to commit to me is that he is dating to make sure that his next relationship is the right one to last long-term. He has even admitted that he treats me more like girlfriend. I personally feel he likes the fact that I am a pseudo-girlfriend & he gets all the perks of a relationship but can literally do who he wants, see who he wants without repercussions and/or that he is doing anything wrong (ie.e cheating) because he is not my boyfriend nor are we committed in a monogamous relationship. I am so torn on this, I know what I should/need to do, but what if keeps me hanging around…
NML,
I’ve nevr met anyone as good as you are at describing people and what they do — and then how we can heal/help ourselves to get back on our own feet and not be played.
THANK YOU.
.-= Loving Annie´s last blog ..Jim Dine – Twin 6′ Hearts =-.
This post is fantastic and so absolutely spot on! I’ve never understood the need to lie to get something from somebody, especially somebody you’re not all that invested in to begin with. Regardless of the perks (as fleeting as those perks will ultimately be), it’s just so counterproductive. But this just goes to show how different our way of thinking really is from the run of the mill a$*clown/douche.
I mean, personally, I never understood why my relationship with my EUM even got “off the ground.” You have to be pretty screwed up, confused and delusional to spend six months talking to somebody on a daily basis you never plan on seeing again in your life (and also, after calling seeing her a bad, bad idea have the nerve to call said girl your best friend; personally, I like seeing my friends in person). And if you’re just looking for friendship, you don’t claim to be jealous when she’s going on a date, call talking to her the highlight of your day, etc.
But it really is like NML says (NML, your insight is always amazing): anything and everything is permitted until the “object of this man’s affections” (and that’s too pretty/kind a way of putting it) starts asking questions. Then, it’s suddenly, no, I never said that. No, I certainly didn’t mean that. I don’t know when these guys started redefining basic dictionary definitions, but somewhere along the way, they bought a little piece of the Webster/Oxford empire and started messing with tried and true concepts that had been working just fine until their sorry arses came along.
When I finally called mine out (almost a year of NC; the best decision of my life. big yay!) on his shoddy treatment/deceit, he denied, denied, denied and then finally said the worst thing anybody’s ever said to me in my life: “It’s not like I lied about any of it. I should have stopped myself if I just would have thought…But the truth is I set out to win your affection because I wanted it, although I don’t know why that is. I know I’m the a*#hole here.” Cold comfort, but a real eye-opener.
Kim C – walk away now. He is a user and a loser.Please don’t be his puppet,who the hell does he think he is. I know it is extremely hard when you are caught up in the drama that is created. You have given him all the power – the dynamics of the relationship are not right and will never be right as long as he is pulling all the strings. Walk away and focus on yourself,there is a reason why you are in this position, you need to ask yourself why you are letting someone have control over YOUR life.
I have been where you are – and know it is not easy – but for your own self respect and sanity – walk away -no one is worth that kind of brain ache. Keep reading this site and let it all sink in – be kind to yourself:-) and really I know its hard but please think of your self Best of Luck:)
Yes, please… can anyone shed any light on this?
“I was then expected to go from this great high to being just his friend and do all the things we did before (except sex) only as best buddys.â€
What is this type of guy? A narcissistic, passive-aggressive ego-maniacal Mama’s Boy…??? Obviously all of the above, I just wish there was some way of seeing it before you’ve been taken for the ride! (they hide it so well in the beginning, but I think once is enough for me to be able to see the red flags in the future.)
Dear KLM, thanks for the note. In answer to your question I think it’s about what NML has mentioned in various posts. This is purely my understanding. I think the guy wants to drop all responsabilty in having to be honest, follow through, have to think of others and do forth. He basically wants you in his life but without any commitment and with out you/me having any expections. Some men will throw the friend card but try the sex thing to, in our case our x’s are not trying to pull that stunt. My x knows he will only embarrass himself and with yours? Well I’m not sure, maybe have a think about it? It doesn’t mean (4 the most part) they don’t want to or r not attracted to you. So don’t take it as another thing to feel bad about. In fact, thank god these tools are not trying to, it would just be another confusing annoyance to have to contend with. Also who knows if I’d stayed friends with this tool bag he may have been stupid enough to
try 🙂 read NML,s rejection blog, it really helped me.
OMG have you met the assclown who filled my head full of BS for nearly a year? Its amazing how you have disected every fiber of his being right here in one post! This is EXACTLY what I’ve been going through – all the way to the point of “Move in with me babes…we’re going to have a wonderful life. I’m going to build us a new room and hey, lets pick out new colours for the livingroom!” I still cant get over how convincing it all was. I mean today I sit and replay all the crap he ever said in my head and it sounds as convincing today as it did the day he said it. We shared these visions of he and I in the garden watching the kids play..(cue The Sound of Music theme)…what the hell was I thinking?
Thanks bettyboo, it’s hard but it does get better. I’m making sure this who debacle isn’t wasted by making sure I learn from all this. This us a very important time/journey for me. Usually I’m the fall back/ boomerang girl. This is the first time where the guy has made the descion to leave, that I havnt then proceeded to waste years going back and forth. Obviously if I end things or fall out if love, I’m fine and I try to make sure the guy is fine and do things gently. But if I’m still in love, I usually can’t let go, I mean where does all that love go? This time, I know I did my best, I tried hard to save us and I said everything I needed to say. My love is still inside me though because you can’t just magically switch it off, I’m still going through the break up steps. But I love me more and I won’t allow him to hurt me, manage down and belittle me anymore then he has. NCR is a first for me and even though I still hurt at least he can’t hurt me more. At least I’ve gained back some control over something that seemed to be control by him, on his terms. I’m a great friend and I’ve taken that from him. Because even as friends he couldn’t act decent. I’m very proud of myself for taking back control and my life and learning so much 🙂
A year ago, I would have still been crying my heart out in udder confusion if I had read this article, and today, I’m just grinning and thanking God for this web-site and for your insight! Thank you!!!!
The last time I talked to my ex he told me his new GF said to him “You’ve changed”. I thought honey he hasn’t changed he’s being himself.
Sooner or later they all show us their true colors.
Why didn’t I find this website 3 1/2 years ago? It would have saved me so much time, tears and heartache! These posts describe my EUM-pain to the T! What I found interesting about him is that he would practically beg me to have kids…maybe his way of trying to “hook” me to him for good? I’ve also told him straight that he uses women and needs their attention to feel good about himself. In our last and final ending (my initiation thank god!) I told him he needed counseling and he agreed!! But I know he will say anything to try to keep the communication lines open. My major downfall is abiding to the NC rule. Right now he’s blowing cold…I hope it stays that way (I think I bruised his ego last time we spoke)..if not, I need to remind myself to stay strong and not reply. Thanks to everyone for your posts, it’s helped me so much!
I second BettyBoo.
Yes, girls. Thanks mainly to women like Monica Lewinsky and the ease and breeze of the internet and texting for “men”, “men” act like CAVEmen nowadays.
What does the future hold? How much worse can this get for women? How do you raise a son–and especially a daughter– nowadays?
“I was then expected to go from this great high to being just his friend and do all the things we did before (except sex) only as best buddys.â€
To make it clear: They are unable to break it off definitively. They want to keep the door open, so they can get the usual from you: an ego stroke, some support, and the opening for return to sexual relationship without the need to provide anything.
Never Accept “The Friend Card.” Walk away and start NC. It will be less painful.
To NML: Great Post. Brava!
I just can’t stop shaking my head in recognition of all the heart-cries here. It’s comforting in a way to know I’m not alone, but discouraging to realize how all-too-common and pervasive these behaviors and our experiences are. After nearly of year of milking this site for all its wisdom and enlightenment, some truths are finally sinking in and a new outlook is forming. I am now NC for 2 months and GLADLY HOLDING. Not only that, I’m in a self-imposed “detox” to sort my stuff out and learn to self-love before I ever even consider the possibility of another relationship again. Thanks to all who share your stories and lives here, and thanks to NML for being the kind of friend that tells it straight. You make a difference and it’s working!!!
so, thanks to this site I now know there are a lot of these flakey fakey guys out there. Plenty of us experience them once, (and lesson learned, only once) get plenty confused, deluded, sad or depressed by the shaky ground they call home, a shaky ground that we try so hard to make solid with the courage faith and strength of our love.
Till one day we know we have had enough, we watch the smoke clear, we see that a solid strong foundation is just not present in these guys and we begin our journey alone, back to the other side where joy and clarity rule.
Hugs and warm holiday wishes to all here.
Sarahk I agree whole heartdly, for years I stupidly took men coming back, wanting to be friends, not letting go and so forth and dny other crap they threw by way as a sign that “something” was still there, love or a connection. I know better now 🙂 simply put, if they opt out of the relationship, if they feel that little towards you that it’s easier to walk away, then good ridence !
Hugs to everyone 🙂
My ex was a fakey guy.I dont know if it was intentionaly but he just apeared to be something that he is not on the begining.He seemed to be a romantic,caring guy that liked to spend lots of times together to later turn into a guy that was happy with contact once a week and being romantic “sometimes”(meaning once a year or so).I strongly believe that people should just show who they realy are since the begining because it only will cause problems later if you dont.
I can so relate. My EU/AC kept my head in the clouds as well. Dreaming dreams, planning to redo the garden all work of course on “his” place for me to help and/or do. I can see the real reason now – its two part – one to keep me around to do his bidding, clean his house and give him a shag whenever he wanted and the other to keep me distracted from what he was really doing. Made sense that he only wanted me to come over at “his” convenience and the OW knew when my car was is the driveway not to come over. I didn’t even meet his friends until a year after we got together and they got to know me, love me and told me the truth. They had no idea why I didn’t come to all the parties they invited me too, superbowl. thanksgiving etc. Because he never invited me – he never told me. They got a whole different story than I did. I was just a “relationship sexual in nature with no strings attached”. The part that bothers me now that I have a hard time with to this day – I still miss the dreams of what could have been then snap back to reality when I realize they never would have and I would still be waiting and wanting. Mine never tried to be “friends”, he never came back for a hook up – his pattern is once he is done and moves on – he never looks back even to say sorry. I should have seen that when I asked about his ex – (alleged drug addict golddigger) – as to whether she ever got help and he said “don’t now – don’t want to know”. How cold.
Kim C–
I want to add to (or “amend”) what I wrote before, to Kim C, in light of BettyBoos’ response.
KimC, another option (besides the NC this nervy guy truly deserves) is to do as he does. You know, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander: tell him, “O.K., so you’ve told me that you are still seeing other people to be able to tell if we are right for each other. You know, open to seeing others, too. So I guess I’m open to seeing other people. You will just have to know, right now, that that will mean less time I will have for you…because you do know, of course, that the case being that I have been exclusive with you and have only this much time for you now can only mean that I will have less time for you in the future.”
Let him stew about what “the future:” means. And that he won’t have full control of the personal-time-future of your life.
Let him have the “option” to wonder whether you are seeing other people, and whether he shot himself in the foot with his own desire to have “option” open. Don’t tell him that “b/c of what you said about your seeing others, I am now free to see others, too”–don’t ever make it sound as though HIS decision made up your mind on YOUR decision.
Just sound strong.
But, still, even if things work out for you under this scenario, won’t you always wonder where his heart truly lies?
But the above is your only other option, in light of his actions and your mind-set right now.
I went with someone like this. Though he never outright TOLD me what your guy had the nerve to tell you, his actions spoke it all LOUD AND CLEAR. I do wonder whether I shoud have made the proposal I am telling you about now, in this message–if only just to see the look on his face! Would have been priceless. But I always have known that I wanted someone who REALLY wants me. So NC was the only way to go for me, where I would be completely true to myself. (And I did have other people to date at the time. He showed up on one of my dates. Little did he know that I had already decided against him, without even telling him! Now the look of shock, THAT was priceless.)
But, to this day, only because this jerk runs in the same circles as me, and has affected invites I get to parties–including and especially holiday parties–and the way my “friends” treat me when he is around, the pain associated witht the way he treated me still lingers as a reminder. And, you know what, I don’t need it! And I am the last to deserve it!
Thankfully, I only have positive, loving people in my life now. No room for toxics and vampires anymore!!
Hi still hurting, I thinks it’s perfectly normal to miss the dream. I mean don’t forget it wasn’t an illusion, false dream to you. It was a life you thought you were working towards with a partner that you took seriously. It’s quite normal, what’s not normal or acceptable is someone feeding u false hope. It is best like you said to understand it wasn’t going to happen but at least you no what you want and now your free to find it with someone who wants the same or make it happen on your own. Take care 🙂
Over and over, in all these articles, all these comments, we’re basing so much on what they SAY. It seems like women are hard-wired to respond to words. I’m trying to change that about myself, but it’s deceptively hard. Just look at this forum and how essential words are for us as a way to communicate, understand, bond.
Honey I hear you loud and clear. I’ve been in this on and off relationship for 2 years. He pursued me and after I showed interests he backed off. When I’m away too long he reels me in and then it’s like OK, through the b**** back in the water. Two stories: we were on our on and off days and my birthday was coming up, he sent this long text talking about wanting to take me out to dinner. I was so happy that he remembered. I waited a while to respond, but you know I did…said yes. When the waiter comes with the bill he says he’s having a delimna and could I pay for the food. You know I did. Second time he cooked XMAS dinner for me and him. Incidentally, I am never around when he is with his friends. No watching football together, TV, parties NOTTA. Anyway, he cooked dinner for XMAS and two days later hid his cars so that I would not think he was home. Fast forward into 2010, he just text and wants to know why I haven’t been in touch. My hunch is that he wants to cook dinner again and then throw a b***** back in the water. This has been going on and on for about 2 years. We haven’t even developed a good friendship. I am his PRIVATE JOY, but he led me to believe, or at least I wanted to believe, that one day I was going to come popping out of the cake and EVERYONE would see me. Truth be told, we’re a very inconspicuous couple in public.
I seriously need some words of encouragement today ladies..day 4 of NC and I’m feeling really odd about it all. Self doubt, questioning myself. That little man on my shoulder is telling me I’m doing well, the other little devil is filling me with doubt. I’ve read and reread some posts this morning in the hope of some relief (have even put a rubber band round my wrist as a reminder of the EUM) however I’m still feeling slightly wobbly. Pathetic I know. 🙁
Hi Strawberry34. If you’re looking for advice on your situ or support from people experiencing NC, please use the forum (link above in main navigation) so that the comments can stay on topic as per commenting guidelines. Thanks and stay strong – it’s only been 4 days. Short term pain will bring medium and long term gain. Remember why you started this.
I read this article the other day and couldn’t believe how on point it was. I had to turn my pc off and just sit and regroup. This is exactly what I went through. My guy was a flake and a fake, but I couldn’t grasp that. I’ve never been involved w/anyone like this before and had nothing to compare it too. I listened to the sad stories about his childhood when we first met and thought he just needed love in his life. The clincher—he told me he never loved anyone until he met me. That did it. I figured I had a good man and all he did for so many years was manipulate and everything was about him. He was never there emotionally when I needed him and bailed whenever something bothered him or became overwhelming.
We had a long distance relationship and Nothing he ever said to me did he follow through on, except coming to see me. Why? because he knew when he got here what he’d be getting and I hate myself for believing every word he said. I’ll never forget the day he told me I’m gonna marry you, well that never happened either. Every time he said he was going to relocate so we’d be together it never materialized. I’m so glad I didn’t give in and destroy my life anymore than I already had. He once told me, “sometimes I don’t care how it affects other people as long as I get what I want.” Then he turned it around said he didn’t really mean that, he was just in a bad place when he said it. We need to really “listen” to what these men are saying and not what we perceive it to mean. When he ran hot he would promise me the world, be the most caring and become vulnerable with his feelings, which is an EUM no-no. Once he came down from the rush…..he’d either start a fight with me or tell me he was depressed or needed time away to sort some things out. It was his way of regaining control and managing down my expectations b/c he gave me too much. Sometimes, out the blue he’d even breakup with me. The hot and cold is a way for them to condition you and they know you’ll try harder.
He never had any intentions of a future w/me. He just wanted everything on his terms, but made me believe I was the selfish one. I don’t miss the drama at all, but I don’t know how I survived such emotional suffering. I wish I would’ve known better, b/c it would’ve saved 10yrs of my life. They leave you a mangled mess and justify it by convincing themselves you’ll be just fine….b/c they are. They really don’t give a damn! It’s an act to get what they want.
Hi NML, many thanks for your response. Muchly appreciated. Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas x
It’s come to my own understanding that my EU was not being maniacle while making false promises for the future. I believe that he believed his own words at the time that he said it. They truely are in the presant, subconcious and reactionary. When they’re threatened with losing you they react and make statements and promises. When they feel in control and feel secure of your love (need) then they avoid, forget, or deny that that was what they truely wanted. In other words I believe that my EU was fooling himself as much as he was fooling me. He has issues, and it’s sad. This realization has helped me move toward forgiveness. Towards forgiving myself as well as him.Â
NC for 4 months now and getting better every day! I blocked his email addresses! I don’t know if he’s tried to email me or not. I don’t care. His number in my phone has been renamed “do not answer” lol but he hasn’t tried to call. He does keep in touch with my family. I don’t ask what they discuss and they are supportive enough not to tell me. Â Â Â
I agree with Betternow … my experience was that half the time they didn’t even know they were doing it which has the unfortunate result of making them even more convincing (since they actually believe they are going to deliver on their promises).
Likewise I worked out that they didn’t particularly start out with the objective of trying to hurt me but were just saying anything to maximise their own pleasure/gain. Of course the result was that it made a complete train wreck of my life because I wasn’t aware of it and I believed them. In the end though it wasn’t personally aimed at me – I was just the unfortunate one caught up in the drama.
I was rushed into talk (and commitment) to babies, weddings etc etc and all the while they were not breakiing up from their partner as they had told me but instead were moving house with them, moving job, getting pregnant and setting up a new life.
So all the while I was being driven down this “future” they were in reality talking to estate agents, putting theirs on the market, looking at new places, making offers etc.
What staggers me to this day is how they completely separated in their mind the reality of their day to day activities on house sale and purchase (and there’s a lot of detail things to do) not to mention making babies with their partner with the merry fiction they were peddling to me.
At the end of the day as I said I believe now I was just incidental. They didn’t mean to hurt me at all, or to be more accurate about it they gave no thought to how their actions were likely to hurt me – and that of course is the tell tale part … my feelings/hurt/suffering and affect on my life did not play one part in their thoughts throughout and, at the end of the day, that is all I need to focus on.
POsting here is in place of contacting them at this time of year and so I thank you for being here, and as for the article, it’s spot on ….. and the bit about “they don’t suddenly wake up at 35 and decide …” made me laugh .. and then think. You are right, in this case they were 35 and it certainly wasn’t something they just suddenly decided to do …
Quite frankly now it just scares me that this can happen.
(They didn’t mean to hurt me at all, or to be more accurate about it they gave no thought to how their actions were likely to hurt me – and that of course is the tell tale part … my feelings/hurt/suffering and affect on my life did not play one part in their thoughts throughout and, at the end of the day, that is all I need to focus on.)
that’s exactly right, not taking responsabilty of how their words, expectations they set up or how their actions have a direct affect on those closest to them, is unacceptable behaviour. It’s quite simply narcissistic, self absorbed and point blank wrong. If we can be responsible with our words and actions then why the he’ll can’t they. They are adults and need to start behaving in a responsible manner.
Hope everyone made it through Xmas doing the ncr, just NYE to go 🙂 good luck xxxx
What really irritates me, about the havoc that their wishy washy behavior causes, is that their lack of candor takes my choice away from me.
I can’t say that I would not have become involved. I honestly can’t say. I can sit here and think that I would have never become involved, but the reality is that I will never know.
And the reason that I will never know, is because their need to control takes my choice away from me. That’s what really gets to me. Yes, I chose to get involved, but possibly, I could have just gone in with an “I don’t care” what happens attitude and then lived with the choices of my consequences.
This describes my recent Ex to a tee. He left his wife literally days before we got together (red flag 1). He promised me the world – told me he loved me within weeks (red flag 2) said he wanted us to have a baby, get married after a MONTH (red flag 3). Unfortunately his timing was impeccable – I was recovering from a year-long relationship with another ASSCLOWN who had cheated on me, so I was an accident waiting to happen. My instincts were screaming NOOOOOOOOO STEP AWAY FROM THE CAR CRASH RELATIONSHIP!! but I still went ahead anyway and ignored the red flags. I thought it was strange that while he was promising me the world, I still only saw him once or twice a week and it was all on his terms (i.e. I had to make the 1.5 hour journey to see HIM). Also he never took me out for a meal, just grubby pubs, so I never felt all that special. He was very tight fisted which is another characteristic of the EUM. He said I would meet his children in a few months time but then suddenly around April/May he said: “Actually lets just get Christmas out the way then you can meet the kids.” Did I mention that he hadn’t actually told his estranged wife or kids about me and kept me a secret for our entire 11-month relationship???? (RED FLAG 2,234) This man constantly told me he loved me and wanted us to move in together yet towards the end of the relationship, was limiting his time with me to once every 9 days. Wow, I felt special. Just before Christmas I told him I never wanted to see him again and he came up with more and more BS excuses about why he had to keep me a secret, why he saw me so infrequently…..and then blamed me for the demise of our entire relationship (I was emotionally draining)………………….
(PS. I turned down a really nice, genuine man who really liked me to go out with THIS ASSCLOWN!!!)
I am dealing with this now and I am so devastated beyond words. He said all the right things and then pulled away; normally by starting a fight or fault finding and then focusing on my reaction to his abuse. He involved himself with my family and three real estate transactions including one in Argentina, and shortly after that said his personal feelings changed for me. Here I am now writing to prospective guests every day with a cc to him. How can I heal or move on with this situation? He is honey, honey, sweetie sweetie one day and the cold shoulder won’t talk to me or even acknowledge my existance the next. I feel I’m on a roller coaster and I am devasteted to the core. I feel shell shocked right now. I can’t move forward and I can’t move backward. What has happened to me?? I can intellectualize all this but it doesn’t help the pain. Yes, he is emotionally unavailable all those things and Mr. Perfect to the new woman who…as he tells me.is a great tennis player, has a fantastic job, all the things he feels I am lacking. I have a good job. I’m a hard worker. I had an interesting life of which I involved him in and we did wonderful things together. Why does he have to devalue everything and make it so personal? I am really hurting right now. He lost his wife in the WTC attack and I don’t know….if/how this plays into any of this. I met him 10 months later. It’s been almost 8 years with him! 8 years I helped him and he really couldn’t be there for me. But he did say all the right things. Oh boy…did he. Linda
Linda–
Did this guy get into investments with you and you (and/or your family’s) funds? Whatever the case, pay a visit to an attorney, to protect yourself.
Sounds like a very miserable man to me. Don’t worry–the new woman will be a “loser” once he meets another woman who “tops” her. (He won’t even have to go out with the new woman–he just needs to see that “something better” is out there that he can’t have.) Women are objects to this guy, packages, to be used and thrown about as necessary. He used you (for money, etc.); he uses the existence of this woman to make you jealous. HE is thbe loser. Secure men do not do this. Honest, decent men don’t do any of the things that he does!
So go NC. But protect your assets, too. You may have to consider partitioning the real estate, or selling your interest, if you don’t have anyone he can deal with in your place. Given that the real estate is in another country (one that he is from, I’d bet), it is hard for non-speakers of Spanish to deal with it. So consider that in the equation, too.
No one is dying. No one is sick. Chalk this one up to experience and move on.
You were probably part of his transition into singlehood, though. Best that you are NOT part of this insensitive, MISERABLE man’s life, though!
Sounds like the new “real estate” is the woman, and he is doing comparative analysis between women. You know, appraising women! Like they are chattel!
Goodbye and good riddance!
I quote from the last paragraph in this post “If you’re with someone fake, they build fake sand castles in the sky and if you’re serious about being happy, you won’t be happy with someone who can’t keep it real and act with love, care, respect, and trust. ”
The recovery from knowing the fakes, EUMs and ACs is so hard because *we* strive for honesty with our difficult emotions. Love and trust is hard and intense and scary and yet we work hard to stay honest and loving even when its scary, But the flakers of the world do not. Methinks a lot of them are drama queens, not brave enough to live it real, instead having a pretty good time in the drama of their own self centered fantasyland. Real loving behavior, the kind that is stable and confident and trustworthy, requires enough courage and self confidence to not flake out and run away when it gets emotionally intense.
I think the AC is really a big chicken at heart and has developed a whole repitoire of crappy behaviors to avoid keeping it real.
When you finally see the truth of these flaky fakers it is so hard to believe someone would be so stupid and, relatedly, heartless and hurtful, to goof around like this with another. But, the fact is… there are stupid, goofy, heartless and hurtful people in this world. I guess I always knew there were people like this but I lived a long time before really experiencing this kind of deception. Twas, and still is, a pretty challenging and eye opening experience.
It was easy for me to go NC and give the AC a wide berth, but my real challenge these days, since I naturally have a somewhat Buddhist approach to life, is to not hate the guy.
Aphrogirl–
And they know, when they see you, that you should hate them.
Mine acts obnoxious, cocky. Like he did nothing wrong. When he treated me terribly by disappearing for days, was still hung up over his ex girlfriend–who he ultimately married, 4 years later! yep, she waited for him, while he continued to date other women–and, worst of all, impacted the way I am treated by mutual friends. Our mutual “friends” ignore me when he and his wife are around, as if I was a tramp–and we never even had sex! He opened the door to people having something to say that is negative about me, you know, people can now say, “see that girl over there. She went out with x. He treated her like TOTAL crap.”
Funny thing, though. One of the “friends” called me not too long ago, wanting to be fixed up, complaining that nice girls finish last. I told her, “Hey, remember x? Nobody had a problem when I was treated badly. All my nice girl friends were perfectly fine with how I was treated.” The she said (knowing that she was one of the same “friends” who stood by the ex-gf, now-wife), “Don’t think it’s that easy being married to him.” (Mainly because he checks out other women, all the time.) But what difference does that make, how he treats his wife now? I was talking about how I was treated!
I even reminded her of how she ignored me once, when he and his wife were around. Glad I did it. She really had nothing to say about it (mainly b/c I made it sound like she was being pressured from the wife to ignore me. Still, I got my point across that her ignoring me was not forgotten.)
All because of one idiot. Who, secretly, is the object of all these EU women’s affection! It’s nuts!
Hi Linda, your X sounds just terrible. After everything he put you through to then have to add that he has met a new women who can do all the things you can’t? That’s just plain nasty stuff, that’s NOT a nice man at all. It is really really hard to move past the rollercoaster, drama filled fake life they pretended to want at the time. But you can, if I can do it, you can do it. I was very low, it’s been 4 months since the split and about 8 weeks of NCR. At the begining I lost huge amounts of weight, thought I could not go back to work (I work with the loser) and found myself crying in a heap on the kitchen floor, crying all the time. I felt lost, in agony and like I’d never recover. Low and behold, here I am 4 months later, working with this chump which makes it hard! I’m feeling ok, I’m still going through the actual break up recovery but I feel ok 🙂 I’ve been very proactive though, loads if writing in my journal, doing the NCR, letting go of any delusions and seeing thints for what they are. You can’t get to the otherside unless u go through all this. My friends played a very important part in my recovery, thank god for them 🙂 and this site was the icing on the cake 🙂 knowledge is power, be proactive and work out what took place, learn from it and know that more then likely he was like this B4 he met you and will be after. You will be ok, don’t make this about your self worth as a person. Slowly heal, move on and keep away from him except for your business dealings. Good luck, your not alone and take control 🙂
xxxx
aphrogirl – oh, I ***still*** hate mine (with a vengance) .. not for being a shallow, manipulative, lieing, sandcastle in the sky no hoper though but simply for wasting my time (1 year of it 15 years ago, and also the last 5 years).
I don’t hate them as a person – they’re not grown up/emotioally developed enough to warrant hating for that – I simply hate the fact that they wasted my time.
I’ve come to the conclusion that this is ok though – it means they hold now power over me and the only “memory” I am keeping alive with any anger/negative emotion at present is the one of wasted time.
As I am regaining control over my time and being more positive with it then I am noticing I need this anger less and less though, but it’s still useful at times, especially like now to remind me why all AC’s are no good for me
🙂
Used,
Why do you still associate with these people??
Hi aphrogirl î”
I have to say i agree with you about these morons not having enough courage to keep it real and act like grown ups.
I often watched my X flip out, turn something really easy and small into a huge drama, or something that could have been resolved with a simple chat turn into an epic scale drama because instead of just talking about it (which I was doing) he chose to shut down from days to weeks. The clincher is that I was then blamed for his misery and it was all my fault for bringing something up. This started to teach me that bringing up an issue = punishment by my X going cold, taking the dream away and most importantly putting our relationship on the line. I think these AC’s love drama and make everything more difficult and messy then it ever needs to be. What a joke !!!!
Gayle–
Thank you for the concern.
Answer: I don’t, not anymore! No Christmas cards to the main troublemaker, either!
Happy New Year!
My best friend was with a future faker for over a year. He was married and got her pregnant after promising he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. She was totally taken in by it all but he literally cut off all contact with her from the moment he found out. The rest is history but it has taken her a long long time to recover. The man is no longer in her life but i know that there isn’t a day that goes by, almost 2 years on when she doesn’t think about it and still struggles to understand how someone could do that to another person. The irony is that when his wife found out she said that my friend had tricked her husband – little did she know that my friend was being deceived and lied to as much as she was. Had she known his real intentions and the true status of his relationship with his wife she would have ended the relationship before it had such devastating consequences.
Oh my GOD, Natalie, I wish I read this post ten days ago!!! How do you know all this??? IT is exactly my situation, and I am so depressed about it…My AC disappered before Christmas, saying that his brother came to visit him, when it was New Year celebration, two days before that he was sent to Africa, by his boss! HE cant even lie properly, or he thinks I am that stupid to believe him??? AND still want him:-( I just want to die, I thought New Year I will be free of him, but no, I am still in the same board and still FBG!!!
I was with a future faker, but one that was one of “the ones who meant it as much as they could mean it at the time” because he’s immature and knew nothing about love (and probably still doesn’t)
I saw hints for a couple of occassions and once i asked myself if its normal to be so upset on a daily basis bacause he’s always unavailable and only spoke on the phone when it was convenient for him. I spoke to my best friends and ended it before I went on hols for a month so that I could start 2010 fresh. And it seemed like he was as relieved as I was, meaning he was just in the relationship being an a** until I ended things myself.
When I randomly met him at a seminar, things went so fast and he traveled down 4 hours just to see me for a few hours every week, spoke about me being the first girl to get to meet his parents, that he could have been falling in love with me blah blah….
Lets just say after 4 months when i mentioned meeting his friends (i only met two of them after 4 months!) or his family, he snapped and denied all forms of commitment and demanded I should show more commitment by having sex (I had said we should hold out – good decision!) and…..by telling my parents (?!!!). I think that just did it for me and if he was trying to piss me off, it worked.
I never really understood the guy. I kept thinking of how good “he was” before and felt guilty for not chasing him back….so in the end I made lots of effort and I gave it a shot until he showed almost no reason for me to be with him. So basically when guys start behaving this way, its already worthless from his side so no matter how good you are, he’ll not change at that moment in time!
Remember not to blame yourself girls! As long as you did your bit, you’re not to blame for their bad behavior – that’s an issue they will have to deal with in future. When a REAL guy who cares for you comes into your life you wont need to think about these things, as NML said… he will ACT and not SAY.
This is the most amazing post ever as this is what I have been asking for ages!
Thank you so much.
WOOOOOOW. you just wrote down a really well-said description of this guy i used to date. 🙂
he was the type of guy who would text me for a few days straight, call me up on the phone, then disappear for a week. it took him around 2 months before finally asking me out on a date. he’d tell me we should do this and that and of course, those things never happened. when i stopped replying to his texts he started ‘chasing’ me back and when i finally said i just found him too ‘random’ he said it was because he was busy and he had a lot of activities then just stopped replying. the next day he texted me again like everything was just normal. that’s when i finally came to my senses and told him to stop asking me out.
it took me months to finally cut him off from my life. but lesson well learned indeed. 🙂
thank you for this wonderful post.
Whoa, is this true! My EUM would get really upset if I “obsessed” (his words) over something he said. Yes, I would analyze it. Maybe to extremes, but he was blowing hot and cold and I was forced to analyze his words. Which meant, I would “find him out.” Which he didn’t want. But yet, he felt it was ok for HIM to “read between lines.” He just didn’t like it when I did it.
I dare anyone to top my future faker story, it’s quite a doozy. I met a man online in a chat forum, when both of us were unhappy in our marriages, and because we were going through similar situations, we started corresponding. However, what started out as an innocent friendship soon turned into a full-blown emotional affair – he being the major pursuer at first. I had been unhappy in my marriage but hadn’t really entertained the notion of leaving until I met Mr. Future Faker, but it felt like a true cosmic soulmate connection – it blew us both away how similar we were. Pretty soon, he was telling me he loved me, I was his one and only soulmate, he thought about me night and day, and actually convinced me that we should both leave our spouses to be with each other – he was in another country, but because of his children, wanted me to move there – he was even talking visas and how he could help get me a job. We were even making plans to meet up after our separations were official. So I left my husband….but at the last minute he had a change of heart and said he still loved his wife and couldn’t bear to hurt his children…funny how that could be after telling me they essentially lived like roomates for years…and told me never to contact him again. But my marriage was essentially over anyway, so in a sense, it was the catalyst I needed to get out….but I still can’t understand how someone’s feelings could change that fast….I’m still reeling and can’t quite fathom what has happened to my life in such a short time. Boy, I feel sorry for his wife….she’s got herself one messed up man, and she actually took him back after she found out about us (my husband never clued in) but I guess she has to live with him, not me – he did me a huge favor actually -better to realize his bipolar nature now than later if I had actually got together with him….what a relief! But it also hurts a lot too, because in many ways, at the time, I felt he was my one and only true love…..that’s a hard feeling to shake.
I was sucked in by a future faker. It was the most horribly 4 months of my life. He was my high school sweetheart- he came back into my life now (he’s 28 and I’m 26) years later while he was going through a divorce. I got it all- I love you, and I think I have for years- I should have married you- if I hadn’t joined the Army I know we’d be together and married and happy-
He came into town- we talked as old friends and then he swept me off my feet. Asked me to move with him to Colorado next year, said he wanted us to have kids together in the future (4 to be exact and yes we even disscused babies names), we drove around are hometown and he showed me this neighborhood he would love for us to live in one day- bla bla bla.
He goes home and then I hoped on the craziest 4 month roller coaster of my life. I just couldn’t get off because every time I did he’d suck me back in.
Low and behold now he is with some new girl he met- hahah get this 2 days after he left here. He was my first love and now the first guy who really destroyed me.
He was the King of up’s and downs. He ruined my self esteem and broke my heart in a way I didn’t know was possible.
It has been 2 months since I’ve talked to him- I’m still very much healing- it is so hard and I really don’t know how I will ever feel completely good- but I’m just acknowldging that these things take time.
Megan, thanks for sharing your story. Stay strong – just remember you are a good person, and he is emotionally bankrupt and does not deserve you. After my emotional affair ended with my future faker, after a few days of hurt and bewilderment, I suddenly felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, and now am so glad he is gone. He was dragging me down and ruining my self-respect, but now am starting to feel healthy and positive again that I deserve to find a man who will treat me as I deserve to be treated.
My ex AC always disappeared around holidays and yes, acted as if he didn’t realize or I had misunderstood that we would be together. If I called, he would be out of town or busy doing something with a guy friend and act as if he was so surprised I was expecting him. He would say things, then pretend it never happened, accuse me of dreaming it up or over-analyzing things he’d said to the point of twisting them. He would say I was crazy. He even dated two other women while he lived with me and said to me that I misunderstood our relationship if I thought it was that type of relationship and he could do what he wanted. It was always just about him and making things work for him,everyone else be damned. I also feel like a huge weight came off of me when it ended for good.
I got sucked in by a future faker…they are so hard to resist…especially the ones who become MORE persistent the more you dismiss their comments. My future faker talked about introducing me to his Mother (who lives in another country), having a baby together, where we would be in two, three, five years time….and all of this just three or four months into the relationship…I resisted, resisted, resisted..and he persisted, persisted, persisted….but almost as soon as I gave in and said “ok I’m in…I believe you” it was like a switch went off…it was like all of a sudden there were real expectations growing out of his fake words and that is when things started to change….plans would be abandoned at the last minute, there were excuses as to why he couldn’t see me…and when I expressed hurt or disappointment I was painted as being “too needy” or “too clingy”….time passed and he told me he loved me SOOOOOO much that he had to break up with me because he knew he would just hurt me down the line….I saw all the (fake) dreams he had presented to me fall away into nothing and I grieved the loss of this “perfect” love…what did I do? why did I let this happen? If only I had been less needy, less pushy, more patient and understanding and tolerant….a month later I found out he had been seeing at least one other woman for the latter part of our relationship…it hurt terribly…I felt so ashamed of myself and so betrayed…I’m still trying to get over that sense that I was fooled my someone I really cared about…even now he still denies that he cheated in the face of a BIG amount of evidence (including photos she posted of them together)…I know I will be ok…and I’m glad I’m no longer building my hopes on a fake future…I have no doubt she is hearing stories of trips to visit Mother and beautiful children as we speak.
Well…my FF was my ‘first love’ returned after 25 years. He reached out to me, I was in a bad relationship anyway, and jumped at the chance for some ‘happiness’…you know the rest, 2 months in asking me if I could love his kids like ‘my own’, etc. Now here we are 4 months after this conversation, I had to cut him loose after he told me he has ‘unresolved’ feelings for his ex gf – the same ex gf that prompted the question about kids, he says she never got along with them, so he thought it would be great for them and I to be one big happy family!! uuurrghhh!!! I am so OVER THIS!!! FF’s SUCK the life out of you!!
I know this is an older post but it is the one I needed to read. Actually, I am new to your site but I couldn’t have found it at a better time. I have tried other self-help books, talked to friends and obsessed about my commitment phobic, momma’s boy ex for months. What I really needed was the slap in the face wake up call that your site provides. I didn’t need to be told to let go in love, I needed to see him for what he really is. I had been holding on for months, continuing to see him as a good guy, needing to believe that what he did wasn’t so bad. I bought his lines – he was “too good for me”, I was “out of his league”, he didn’t want to hurt me – all the lines you included in the great posts on translating what he means. He is an assclown and I tried way to hard to hold onto him in order to validate myself. I was going to be the one to fix him, change him, win him. What finally, really got me was the post on faking a future. That’s what he did. He pretended we would be together in the long run. He implied that he was interested in long term, when he couldn’t see past the next five minutes. He asked me over 50 times to go away with him to his home country. I didn’t trust my gut and justified to myself that he wouldn’t be asking if he didn’t want me to go. So I booked a ticket. Literally the second I did, things changed and he began to run in the other direction. When I finally landed, he literally hid behind his mommy till I left, then immediately came back with “lets be friends” and held on tight. I have since cut off contact with him (over 5 weeks and counting) and feel sane for the first time since I met him. The problem is we work very closely together and in 4 weeks he will be back in my life on a daily basis. I had been struggling with whether to “be friends” but realized immediately that it was just my attempt to hold on to the hope of a future that I now know can never exist. If I am honest, I knew deep down all along this wasn’t going to work out but was too afraid to question, didn’t want to “scare him off”. I wish I had found your site sooner – not because it would have saved the relationship (it can’t be saved) but I might have had the strength to walk away sooner and keep more of my self-respect. Keep writing. Keep being honest. Believe me – you helped me and judging from the other posts, you really helped others. Thank you.
anonymous
my story is very simmilar to yours.i know how much it hurts to pin your hopes of a better life on someone only to be let down, my heart goes out to you because i also met a future faker.
I met my AC while he was working in my country. He was single and handsome, so loving and so kind towards what id been thru in my marriage. it seemed like i really had a chance to be happy with someone again. We saw each other everyday for 10 months and my little girl adored him. When his contract ended and he had to leave he asked me to go with him back to his country but i couldn’t because of my job and i wasn’t ready to give up everything, but he came back to see me and two months later i went to see him. Although there were red flags, he was seen around with other girls and would be terribly controlling, i was so blinded by the love i felt for him. In December last year he asked me to move to him again, and when i finally accepted, quit my job and gave up my apartment, he wrote to me a month later (after becoming distant) to tell me that i cannot come because he is not the man i think he is, that he is not ready for the commitment. This is after promising me the earth moon and sun for 10 months. Saying that he was ready to be like a father to my child and to love and care for us. I was so heartbroken and left with nothing, i cut off all contact with him from that day. Even if i wanted to try and move on, 10 weeks later he started calling saying how sorry he was and how he wants to make things work. I stupidly forgave him That was in Feb and we talked everyday since then and he made plans to come see me in august. A month ago he got cold and distant again calling less and less and when i asked him he said he was busy and we haven’t seen each other for so long maybe that’s why. So 2 weeks ago we were chatting n i told him not to come if he couldn’t be as loving as he was because he had changed towards me, i said this hoping that he would try to be nicer, but he never even replied and i never heard from him again. So its been 2 weeks NC again, ive deleted him from all my contacts and trying to be strong. i even recently found he had been sleeping with a lot of other women while he was in my country we’re a very small community, all the while seeing me and asking me to never leave him and telling me how i’m the one. Why do men do these things and im praying i will be strong to tell him where to go should i ever hear from him again. It hurts but i know i need to move on.
im thankful for this site, its been my bible for the last 2 weeks and i wish all the women out there in similar situations much strength and love. things will only get better for us, i truly believe that.
I’m sorry for all your pain, it sounds like you’ve been on an emotional and financial roller coaster.
Now here’s the tough part. These men treat us like this because we let them. The information is there. They have mistreated us and slept with other women, but we choose to hope they will change, without looking at the evidence they have repeatedly provided.
I am not trying to be harsh, but this guy has really put you and your child through the wringer, you have to put the two of you first, and recognize this is who this man is.
Keep reading and posting for support, it will be come clear with time.