As the festive season kicks into high gear, I have several posts planned and a couple of surprises to help readers cope with a time of year that can really throw a glaring, ugly light over the reality of your ‘partners’. Many of you may be feeling alone, wondering what you’re doing, wondering whether you should break No Contact, or reminiscing about the coulda, woulda, shoulda’s. Trish is recovering from the effect of a flip flapping Mr Unavailable on her Christmases (and sense of self) and and has shared her story with some healing words…
I am sure there have been many posts regarding the battle of being single over the holiday season or some of you may be wishing you were. I thought I would spread some holiday cheer by sharing my thoughts on Christmas.
Dec 1st 2009 I sit here at my desk staring at 2 push pins neatly placed on my cork board – One red, one green, one sore reminder that Christmas is near. I did muddle through my first Thanksgiving holiday alone, followed by his 43rd Birthday a day later. I did keep “No Contact” so hurray for me, although I am not really sure why that is still a challenge after our 4 year relationship ended last February. But who really cares.
Christmas used to be my favorite holiday – Volunteering around town, all the joy, the music, the foods, the gatherings amongst friends. The season of giving. All of that changed two Christmases ago for me after a fun filled day of shopping, coffee shops, and special time spent with my EUM.
I was very excited when he asked me if I wanted to hang out and go Christmas shopping. The year before we spent Christmas with our own families as we were a pretty new couple.
I had every reason in the world to be excited as this would be our first Christmas together after a year and a half into the relationship. We shopped all day, had lunch, a coffee, and hit the grocery store to decide on what we were going to cook on Christmas Day. “Should we have Broccoli”? He said. “I think we should cook a Ham, what do you think we should cook”? He stated. He spoke of games we could play and bought wine for us to drink. My head was spinning, it was really going to happen we were going to spend Christmas together with the kids and cook a lovely meal with togetherness and everything. “Ham, lets have Ham” I urged.
He dropped me off with a kiss on the forehead and a promise to call later that evening. I ran into the house excited to tell the kids we were going to his house for Christmas Day. We ran right out to Target to buy gifts for his girls. A pair of designer earrings, adorable socks, nail polish, and perfumes. We also purchased two pies, a pumpkin and a cherry, his favorite. Neatly my young girls prepared the gifts in bags all done up with bows.
The next day was Christmas Eve, the day that Don told me his ex wife and her family were coming to his house for Christmas. He acted like he had no idea I was under the impression I was coming. Nor did he show any responsibility on how I came to that conclusion. He also invited his ex girlfriend as he didn’t want her to be alone for the holidays. She had been close to his girls and he just knew I would understand his position.
I had no choice but to race out and purchase the holiday meal to salvage Christmas for my girls. It was too late to travel to my parents to be with family. As the three of us spent a quiet Christmas day together my heart broke inside with the thoughts of him enjoying the wine, the food, and the games WE decided on together…without ME?? Not so much as a call from him that day – he said he values his time with his girls and I needed to understand that. When he did call the next day, he brazenly asked if I had a fun Christmas.
If your all wondering whether I stayed in this relationship after this, of course I did – that’s why I am here. Over the next two Christmases that followed, I would patiently wait while he and his ex decided their plans with his girls and quietly wonder whether I was going to get to go or not.
Turns out that all his plans fell through and he came to my house for Christmas. I should have went to my parents and let him hang.
A few comments I want to share for the Christmas Season of 2009
Ladies if you ever have to wonder if your man is going to spend Christmas with you…. Please run, run as far as you can run – Don’t look back. We should never have to wonder if our man wants to spend a holiday with us. EVER
I will say that this year – I may be feeling sad, I maybe feeling a little bit lonely as I see the couples out and about enjoying each other during this time. As I think about him at his home playing games, drinking wine, cooking food…. Well, I don’t have to wonder where I stand this year. I don’t have to worry about whether I am deemed good enough by him to come to his home that he isolated me from.
Ladies – I am in the refining fires and I do believe I got the BEST Christmas gift ever – the removal of him and my self respect back.
May God Bless You All and Merry Christmas
Thanks to Trish for sharing!
Your thoughts?
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Oh Trish, I experienced the same with the ex spending the holidays with the ‘adult children’ and ex-wife. So humiliating and frustrating!!!!!
How long had he been divorced and why did he say he felt it necessary to spend it with the ex-wife?
I don’t get the ex-girlfriend??? That’s ridiculous!
So weird. I got involved with someone who has a “baby momma” and they don’t spend holidays together, but he wishes they would. It’s almost at no contact now (I wish I were strong like you Trish!).
To me this is just so weird. If they wanted a family, why did they split up? I didn’t realize so many men out there were like this. My husband actually had a stroke on Christmas Eve Day 2003 and died January 4, 2004. I didn’t date until July 2008 and this one is the first (and so far only) one I’ve dated….what jerks these guys can be. My husband had 5 kids. I ALWAYS knew where he would be for the holidays.
Thanks Trish for this one,
It sounds soooo familiar. Even the age fits –he`s now 43. Although in my case he preferred to spend his Xmas having dinner with his mum with whom he lives and who looks after him (despite him having his own house and a very good income to live on his own) and visiting his married older sister that lives round the corner and playing with her kids. I originally moved to his country after he was blowing very hot for a year, persuading me he could not live without me, we`re soul mates, wanted to marry me and have kids etc etc and to meet his family blah blah. The very first year he proposed (and paid for) a pre-christmas break that we spent partly in his country, partly in mine, and it was great. Because it was very early stage of the relationship we also spent Xmas and New Year with our families.
Well, of course it went all pretty much lukewarm/cold after I moved over to his country and set myself up and we could be properly together. For a strange reason he was still desperate to have a kid but wouldn`t move out of his mum`s or spent proper quality time with me. I spent two years in his country ALONE during xmas and new year hoping for our first xmas together…. then hoping at least for our second xmas together…. and guess what? Nothing happened. First year I was waiting for him on 22nd when he was meant to work nearby and come over. He said he wasn`t feeling well and that was it. Then he kept his phones either switched off or not answered them throughout the whole Xmas and New Year. He never bothered to explain what happened or to contact me after things on his side got better. After almost 1 month I unfortunately texted him myself and without even rubbing his nose in it – I know I know. He immediately started blowing sooo hot and turned up within a couple of days (well it was end of January) with a huge bag of nicely wrapped Christmas gifts (well I admit really good ones) – with an absurd “I had a chest infection”. Nevertheless, the next Christmas after that he told me he was surprised I didn`t go home (yeah, I suppose it must have been really surprising I stayed after he totally ignored me the year before !). He was working during that Xmas so we were at least on the phone. I bought lot of gifts for him and we agreed to spend New year together – I confirmed that the evening before. What happened? Yes, you got it right. Phones switched off from 1st January till 5th or so when he was meant to be back at work. When I finally got through to him he didn`t even remembered that he was meant to come! But then he provided a sob story of dying aunties and blah blah blah and yes, he should have let me know. No gifts from him that year at all.
To make it all better, my birthday is just a day after Valentine. After the ruined Xmas and New Year I was never strong enough to stay for another beating so I always went home for Valentine and birthday although I was waiting till the last possible moment for him to suggest a break away together or just coming over and staying in. Never happened. He was even so stupid (or clever) that he couldn`t remember my birthday properly, he only remembered it was close to Valentine so he texted me one year on 12 February – “sorry I forgot about your birthday”… The next year he only told me on 13th of Feb when he knew I was leaving home that 14 & 15 Feb “fell so nicely on the weekend that year….” trying to “punish†me for going home although he wouldn`t bother about me if I stayed. He paid special attention not to call me “honey†or anything like that around xmas or valentine/birthday. I tried to lead with an example and always remembered his birthday and valentine with a gift/card etc but he never followed.
This year it should have been “our†4th Christmas. We broke up this October though after I finally got a very good job close to him and was moving, thinking that that`s what we both wanted the whole time. But he started to blow freezing cold (if he bothered to say anything at all) and behave as a total assclown to the point that I texted him that I found his behaviour extremely rude and that he didn`t seem he ever wanted us to be together. Since then HE is NC – thank`s god – and by now thanks to this web I totally got over him. Am I going to feel lonely this Christmas? NO! I felt excruciatingly lonely the last four years when I actually “was†with him but this year I am going home to be with my family and my friends and have a really good time!!! Plus I treated myself with all the expensive stuff I would normally feel guilty for buying – cause I saved plenty money on my EX`s birthday and Xmas presents!
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all
x
Well Trish you are taking the first step in opening your eyes and demanding to be treated like you deserve – the best gift for Christmas you could ever give to yourself and children.
Trish – what a heart wrenching experience… I’m sorry you went through something so devastating, however i’m happy to hear that you are in better place this Christmas season. Thank you for sharing this with us.
NML – Thank you for posting this, reminds all of us to stay strong with No Contact during the holidays, which is difficult,….. oh God, very hard at Christmas and New Years… especially after a few drinks.
I shared a similar experience where my self -esteem took a beating, on my birthday… What a sad sad thing to hope that he will make contact on the day I was born. Nevermind, a gift or a dinner for my special day.
Well he didn’t, and I messaged him to say hello, and jokingly said “Happy Birthday” to HIM… pretending to sound playful, but inside feeling worthless.
He responded – “My birthday was 2 weeks ago, but thanks”
Not remembering that i had mentioned about 15 x that my birthday is on Sept. 11, fell on his favorite number, and let’s face it,…. a date no one would ever forget.
I replied “LOL… it’s my birthday today! Hello!! Remember!?” Trying to keep it light, and not to come off pushy/needy.
This year i’m sure i’ll receive a “heart-felt” (pffff) message from him on Christmas…. and i will no way in hell respond.
Christmas is a time to give…. this Christmas i’m giving some love to myself.
Happy Holidays to you and your girls Gayle… and to you Natalie and your family! Keep the posts coming, God Bless
Diane,
Why keeps you connected to this man? Why does he provide for you?
Hopefully we all our teaching our daughters about EUM’s and AC’s and our sons how not to be like that. Best Christmas present we could give to them.
Thank you, Trish. I, too, can relate to the holiday horror, but may I add that you are a gifted writer?
It’s amazing the strength we can draw off of each others life stories. Thanks for sharing. I have spent many hours reading posts and comments, especially when I need a quick dose of reality.
I remember when we first split up – I was so so sad, devastated actually. I had horrible days. Then occasionally a good day would creep in. Bad out weighing the good by far – I am happy to say stay strong, the good are starting to smother the bad.. We all deserve to be treated with respect.
Of course you all know that starts within. I think the key is the moment you become aware of the level you have allowed yourself to be disrespected is so important to regaining your personal power.
I think back to when I was so disappointed in “ME” for allowing this A hole to destroy me. I sold myself out, for an Ass… Ick!!!
I carry a deep belief that women were made as a gift, a companion, a partner, a lover, a friend…. I could go on, but the reality is in this world, we as women allow ourselves to be treated like crap. I have to admit that sometimes I saw it and chose to not deal with it and sometimes I didn’t see it coming. Eitherway the end result was the same.
Ladies I wish you all the best this year!
Trish
Trish, wonderful post, very well written and I sooooo know how you felt at that time. I am just wondering if he really spent christmas with his children, the ex-wife and her family and ex-girlfriend, did he?? Maybe just a facade he put up for you? See, I am a good guy,I spent the holidays with my family – maybe he really doesn’t like holidays. Ugh, be glad he is gone and have a very Merry Christmas!!
Astelle
I wish it was a facade, unfortunately I have seen the pictures. He had a good time.
I would like to think at 1 1/2 years into a relationship a good guy would want me to come to Christmas.
Of course that is if we had a real relationship – at this point I should refer to it as a big Joke.
Some of the crap this guy pulled is unbelievable, but I accepted it. I take responsibilty for that. I do know I wont accept it again from any man.
A counselor once told me that I needed to get to a comfortable place within myself, secure enough to know without a shadow of a doubt that if something didn’t feel right by me and my standards, then it is not ok. It doesn’t matter if the world or any man disagrees with how I feel about it, because there my standards. I had standards when I started dating this AC/EUM, we all know how they get managed down. Never Again.
Wouldn’t it be great if all the women in the world band together with a firm stance on this crap behavior?
Take Care and be Strong
I just realized what I was about to do. I was feeling nostalgic and was getting ready to text MR BIGTIME EUM. Your words brought me back to REALITY. Though it still hurts and I have all kinds of feelings (still!!)for this clunker I am not breaking NO CONTACT. I am learning to go through this process to be more loving to myself. Thanks.
I can so relate – especially to expectations. My EUM actually had our first “date” on Christmas Day – my kids had gone to their father’s house and I was alone so when the dinner invite came I thought what the heck. We had “known” each other a year and he seemed like a nice guy. After dinner we went over to his place to watch a movie – I thought it was odd that there were no decorations or anything resembling holiday cheer. A year into the relationship I “THOUGHT” I was in I came over to his house to “exchange gifts” as he had to “work” and again no decorations. I gave him a lovely present – he showed me a picture of a jewelry box he was building for me but had not quite finished yet. Of course there was a plate of cookies from a “neighbor”. New Years Eve was spent alone as he “had to work”. Much later I found out he was with the OW that night. I never did get the jewelry box – just another unfulfilled promise as they all were. I have always been a holiday person – decorations, cookie baking, presents and the whole bit. I didn’t see the red flags then. I see them now – CLEARLY. My standard were also compromised in a vain attempt to get him to respond in some way… maybe if I was better, sexier, more attentive then… you know the story. I have come to realize compatibility is extremely important. Our values and beliefs are at opposite ends of the spectrum – not even close but he depended on mine – I would never cheat – against my beliefs – he didn’t have to worry about anything and I was navie to assume that he would keep his promise of monogamny which I told him I insisted on and he of course agreed too. I know what he will be doing this Christmas – I don’t need contact to confirm that – nothing – he will never change – of that I am sure. Probably looking for new prey. I pray for that person whoever she may be – run lady run as fast as you can he’s the EUM/AC man. I also know what I will be doing this Christmas – my house is already decorated, the tree is up, the cookie makings are bought, nearly all the presents are bought thou I have wrapping to do. Both boys are coming home for Christmas week and we will be baking and laughing all weekend watching our favorite holiday movies and remembering when. It will be a great holiday – better than before.
That absolutely broke my heart as I read it. It pertains to so many of us in similar ways – even if not so blatantly (OMG what a Ahole). When you mentioned the moment where he said his exwife was coming over and how he didnt think about the plans you had made..then the ex gf…that moment right there is that weird feeling I’ve experienced so often. Like you know you should rip his head off but you just scoop your jaw off the floor and let it slide…always letting it slide. Men are so much more defined after visiting this site.
Here’s to all the “single” ladies!
I too am alone this Christmas. My ex lost 2 jobs in which I stood by him; I encouraged him to relocate to Tampa and see what the job market was like there. I could relocate. I was supposed to move July 4th weekend after I graduated w/my bachelors! My house was packed, job up for bid, I was ready to go. Assclown had found a job and was nearing his 90 days. Shortly after he landed his job he was blowing hot n cold. Two weekends in a row I was lucky to hear from him once a day; compared to the many times he called/texted/emailed..a complete 180. I was to fly there to check out some apartments for us. One Monday after a disappearance over the weekend he stated “oh, I moved.” I was shocked; we were going to look together and also see where I might land a job. He stated he wasnt driving more than 30 minutes in any direction (nice, egh?). The 2nd weekend he played hudini I prayed to God to give me an answer. I was in pain no knowing what was happening. Assclown promised he’s call that evening. The call never came; my answer was there. I made a decision enough was enough. The next day he sent a couple texts “he needed alone time” (hum, he was living in FL alone?), I deserved better, and then he loved me. I had a gut feeling and phoned his work; he was FIRED! Lie after lie surfaced. Its as though he wasnt even the person I fell in love with – a double life.
He has got in my email, voicemail, and even created a profile posting me in a bathing suit to 3rd parties. As recent as Sunday he faked a text from the Tampa Highway Patrol as I was emergency contact and there was an accident w/fatality. When I phoned his mom as POSSIBLY he was in an accident; her comment was “why do you do this”; no accident – he’s getting married! So, not even 5 months have passed and he is supposedly serious again. He just got a divorce in January of 2009! My family thinks he is psycho for this harrassment….I now have him blocked from texting. I am very lonely as feel as if my life was turned upside down but I know this man is dangerous.
Stay strong everyone; we deserve BETTER!!!
Psycho & results-oriented = Stay Away!
Happy holidays to all!
Just when you think you got it bad you read something like Teresa’s situation! I can’t believe what I read sometimes…it’s like being in a boxing match and getting the wind knocked out of you repeatedly! I cant get over the deliberate actions of some of these guys. I mean…as angry as I could possibly be at another person I could NEVER stomp on someone’s emotions in the manner that I’ve been treated. I’m pretty thick skinned too; but CMON ALREADY!! Let up!! Maybe this is why I went back so many times. I couldnt fathom the notion of this being intentional…surely the man I love wouldnt treat me this way. Im just imagining it or perhaps I’m over inflating the situation because Im PMSing. The further away I get from that weird situation the clearer things become and the angrier I get…at MYSELF! Thank God for this site and for all the sharing. It really makes a person feel empowered over a seemingly hopeless situation. I’m currently still cleansing him from my bloodstream. Its been 2 painful months now. I want to stop being angry now but I dont know how to stop throwing myself this pity party!
Nice guest post. 🙂