If you’ve been reading this site for long enough there are some fundamentals you will have learned about the relationships that you find yourselves in and the experiences that they yield:
We choose men that reflect the things that we believe about ourselves.
If you predominantly carry negative ideas about yourself, love, and relationships, your partners will mirror these and exacerbate them creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.
We’re unknowingly (and sometimes knowingly) in sync with the poor behaviour that these men have. We adjust and accommodate and in some instances even enable them to keep doing their bullsh*t behaviour – it’s as simple as sticking around.
If you habitually choose emotionally unavailable men and find yourself in poor relationships with poor candidates on the regular, no matter what you say and believe, you are emotionally unavailable and you choose people who yield the least likely possibility for a healthy, positive relationship.
Emotionally available people don’t habitually get involved with assclowns and Mr Unavailables and when they do find themselves involved with them, they back away because it doesn’t feel healthy, comfortable, or ‘right’.
We say we want to be committed and we want to be loved, yet we choose men who can barely commit to seeing us the following week and who don’t actually love us.
And this is where some of you will become confused because:
1) you believe that you love him, or,
2) you believe that he loves you but he just doesn’t know it, or he loves you but he’s too afraid to show it, or he loves you because he tells you that he does even though his actions say different, or,
3) you believe that you have an amazing connection and this is your destiny because the sex is great/he’s funny with a great sense of humour/no-one’s ever made you feel like this before and bla, bla, bla…, or,
4) you feel that you love him and if you feel this way then surely he should appreciate how much you feel for him and love you back because you have projected how you think and feel on him and you believe that you are the best he’s ever had, or
5) you believe you can do enough loving for the both of you and that in time, he will realise it and you’ll love happily ever after.
For a start, pain is not love.
In a nutshell it’s pain and don’t go mixing the two up and thinking that you’re suffering for your love and that only real, passionate love is painful, because quite frankly, there are many people who would pass on putting themselves through this pain.
Much of the pain stems from fear and drama and we mistake our feelings of fear and penchant for drama as love, because we have poor relationship habits that have been learned over an extended period of time, often from childhood. This means that our behaviour and desires may seem completely normal and even familiar as we can be playing out subconscious patterns.
What you learn though as you become aware of your relationship habits and harness your pattern is that if we don’t address how we feel about ourselves, love, and relationships we end up with a very skewed idea of what love is.
You learn to accept crumbs, feeling grateful for slivers of attention from men who are unworthy of your energy.
You convince yourself that what you’re getting is what you deserve or it must be what you want, because surely if you didn’t want this person and this relationship then you could walk away?
You believe that the magnitude of pain that you experience is in direct correlation to the amount of love you have, hence the more pain you feel, the more in love you believe yourself to be.
You convince yourself that you’re not good enough to expect or get more and that a better relationship will elude you.
You believe that because you have such poor experiences and that time is passing that you must ‘settle’.
You become obsessed with getting attention from these men and aren’t concerned with the quality of attention so you end up with drama, either sought out or thrown in your direction. Not all attention is created equal!
You become co-dependent. The very person who is on one hand the very source of your pain also appears to be the sole source of your happiness. You can’t seem to function without them and you believe it’s because of your love when in actual fact it’s because of fear.
You think that familiar ‘butterfly’ feeling that you get around these guys is excitement and passion when in actual fact, when you have a habit of being with the same poor partners, it’s familiar fear.
You expend so much mental energy thinking about him, what you think he feels and does, what you think you do and feel, the coulda, woulda, shoulda’s and betting on potential that you lose sight of the reality of him and become obsessed and infatuated with an illusion.
Many of the dysfunctional things that happen in poor relationships are easy to bag and tag as ‘love’ and ‘passion’ but it is important to remember that reality becomes distorted in poor relationships because it’s far harder to stick around when your feet are in reality – people in poor relationships often end up on a whole other planet from their partners!
If you don’t reconcile who you think you love with the reality of who they are and the relationship you have, you will fail to process that feeling of drama and fear for what they are – fear and drama – and as long as you are doing this, you will continue to fall into a cycle of poor relationships that result in similar experiences.
Fear and drama make you dependent on surrounding yourselves in experiences and factors that make it more comfortable for you to believe that this is how things are.
Fear causes inaction and we end up being comfortable with the pattern of the very uncomfortable, because it seems far more uncomfortable to make positive changes that will not only make us accountable for our own happiness (or misery), but will throw the spotlight on where we are expending our emotional energy and reveal some uncomfortable truths.
At the end of the day, only you know your experience but if you have been involved with the type of men who yield poor experiences on a habitual basis, there will be many familiar things about what you’re experiencing and that’s a sign in itself that not only is something very wrong, but you’re actually gravitating to patterns that you can recreate over and over again, and that’s not love when it ends up causing you so much pain, fear, and drama.
The litmus test of all this is if you develop a healthier relationship with yourself which will result in healthier beliefs about love and relationships, will you still want him? Will you still love him? Or will you finally realise that you haven’t experienced love yet – you’ve just experienced pain.
I always say, if loving him means that you can’t love you, it’s not worth it.
Your thoughts?
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Every word a gem!!! My life for the past three years. I am happy to say
I’ve stopped and the swinging door that allowed the three jerks to come in and out with their BS is locked tight. I am so proud of the strength I have created around me and in me, hard solid work!, to recognise truth from illusion, it’s paying off. I am doing affirmations of loving myself, appreciating what I have created for myself and others and finally acknowledging the people who really love me and giving them back the love they deserve. Thank you for showing me the way. A great post!
I love the post NML. It’s timely, as usual, and helpful. I agree 100% with this premise. It’s said to say but I’ve never kown love in a relationship with a man, only disappointment and hurt. I am so tired. I’ve recognized my fallback girl qualities, I’ve gone to therapy, I engage in positive affirmations and I get involved in really living my life…and now I find myself not wanting to be in a relationship with a man. I rarely find one who isn’t an Assclown. Ususally in the first couple of dates I recognize the pattern and get the hell out. It’s interesting that I am no longer fascinated by men. They seem soooo superficial. It gets lonely sometimes, as a woman in her 30’s wanting male companionship is healthy (as my therapist told me) but I’d rather be alone and sane, happy and whole than deal with the heart breaking, mindaltering dram these men bring to one’s life. I still have hope sometimes that a decent emotionally available man will com into my life. In the meantime, I continue to work on me and find happiness and companionship where I can.
“You think that familiar ‘butterfly’ feeling that you get around these guys is excitement and passion when in actual fact, when you have a habit of being with the same poor partners, it’s familiar fear.”
This one speaks to me the most of late, as it is the very concept that has led me to many epiphany moments.
searchingwithin’s last blog post..Love Is In the Air – Lovebugs
Very nice post 🙂 You mentioned that we suposed to have a healthier relationship with ourselves but how we can do it? Like what we need to do for that.I have been going trough a series of failed relationships and realy dont want to go trough that again.The first 3 times I falled for guys that didnt want to be with me and on my last relationship the guy was with me but I wouldnt fell loved because of the way he acted.The pattern in all them seems to be rejection,I end up rejected in diferent ways in all my relationships until now.I realy want to break that pattern and have a nice and fulfilling relationship,what I can change on myself to have it?
I think it is difficult to find a healthy man out there these days. I haven’t met anyone who had no emotional issues male or female. Women are much more likely to work on themselves than a man will too.
I have an older sister who has never had a boyfriend ever. She is 50. After all the heartache I have been through and what I have seen others go through, I think my sister was the smartest one of us all.
ITS NOT THAT WE CHOOSE THE WRONG GUY. How would you know? Along the path of getting to know them, is when you make the choices on what path you will go on. I met a guy. It all seemed fine. 1 month into it, the call didn’t come before the weekend, two or three days would go by, and he was always apologizing for not getting in touch etc, I wasnt meeting his friends, but was I being to anaylitical after just 2 months? Finally we talked and he recognized that although he liked me he didn’t want it answer to anyone and wanted it to be once in a while. At that I said NO then it isn’t going to work. That was the crossway where I could have hung on, could have thought it might work anyway and he would see the light, and all that. So what I am saying NML is that it’s not written on their forehead, but when the writting starts to appear, that is when you withdraw. This has happened to me several times but I have stayed in it longer. What needs to be talked about is when to let go in the early days, and how to bring up the subject. Thanks…..
You must kiss many frogs and then release them to the pond before you find your prince. We should not see this as failure. Its failure when we put him in our pockets thinking if he gets to know us he will change into that prince.
“You learn to accept crumbs, feeling grateful for slivers of attention from men who are unworthy of your energy.”
Yep. 😐 I subconsciously believed this with a couple guys I used to talk to and/or was in a relationship with, ESPECIALLY the last 2 whom I just discussed a blog post or two back.
_____________
“You convince yourself that you’re not good enough to expect or get more and that a better relationship will elude you.”
Yep, same as above.
I was never, and still am not nor will I ever be, a shallow and superficial person. But because of my childhood, I hated myself. Guys still seemed to like me for some reason and I didn’t understand why since I hated myself so much. Because of that, I f—ed up a few potentially decent relationships by feeding into my own self-hatred and projecting it onto them. Besides the fact that they were being assclowns :-|, that’s probably why a a few of them cheated on me – my self-hatred and projections.
You live and you learn.
Thanks for posting. Always gems for thought on here. 🙂
nysharon – I’m thinking NML means that it’s subconscious choosing. NML can correct me if I’m wrong.
mannnnn, NML
HOW do you know this stuff so perfectly well !
As I recover from a giant bummer EUM experience in my life, the confusion I felt all along is perfectly summed up in this post.
I have learned so much here, and I am certain I will not miss any red flags in the future, nor enable or encourage anyone who indulges in assclownery with me. It is such a waste of time for everyone involved.
I am thinking AC behavior is possible in any type of encounter, and I will be avoiding it whenever I encounter it. Thanks again for relevant words.
Hi ladies. Thanks very much for your comments. I’m going to quickly address a couple of comments of concern…
Anusha and NYSharon – There are currently 936 posts (articles) on this blog of which the great majority have been written by me so this is just one post on one subject and you can read about the subjects you both mention in any number of posts.
Anusha – How I learned to love myself part 1 and part 2 are just two such examples.
NYSharon – The difficulty with the written word is it can be difficult to gauge tone and so it is difficult to tell whether you are shouting at me with your caps and being rude with in your tone. Either way you say “What needs to be talked about is when to let go in the early days, and how to bring up the subject. Thanks…..” It has been talked about both here and in my ebook and will no doubt be talked about many times again. Red flag behaviour, red flag behaviour for drama seekers, 10 fundamental lessons on boundaries in relationships, building boundaries for healthier relationships, recognising things about yourself in the men you profess to love, and many others plus there is of course how to spot emotionally unavailable men which has more than forty signs. I didn’t say it was written on their forehead, and at no point in my post do I talk about failure or call anyone a failure so I am not sure why you said that to me also. At the end of the day, I spend each day helping women (and quite a few men) on various different relationship issues. You are free to think what you like and you may not think that what I have to say is worthwhile or of interest and that’s totally your prerogative because what I have to say resonates with people differently. You are right – people find out things along the way. Again, at no point in this post did I suggest that you must discover it in a hot minute. Your experience is different and that’s great for you but I have thousands of comments and emails from women who don’t bail and who don’t recognise signs and who also repeatedly choose same man, different package. And actually, if you do keep going out with the same guy in a different package who generates the same experience and feelings or variations and you stick around, then yes, you are choosing to be there even if it’s painful. But many people subconsciously choose people that cater to patterns that they already have. Anyway, good luck!
ph2072 – Thank you for reclarifyingx
NML, your site helped me a lot and I am really happy that I “discovered” it!
Kissie, I feel exactly the same right now and I am not bothered about men at all…I am not going to look for them, I am happy with my life now, no pain, no waiting for calls, disappointments etc. As NML says need time to love and appreciate my own company!!!
So timely as others have said. I am only just waking up to this after hanging on for a man for 10 years – first love, all that. Realising that the reason I never seem to meet anyone else is probably because I am doing all these things and deep down don’t believe I deserve it. Question is, how do I take down the big unavailable sign I seem to have over my head and start meeting men without the fear? So scared of losing myself again that I back off pretty quick,
Thanks for the answer NML 🙂
NML, I have read (and often reread) every post on this site and have for years. It has helped me so much that I am were I am, probably because of you. My comment was not meant to be rude, it was out of personal frustration (i guess i need to be carefull of caps). Sorry you were offended. It was not meant as critisim but as a request/suggestion for a topic. The “failure” comment has to do with my own family/friends making comments about how I have it all going on but am too picky with men, and why haven’t I found someone yet. Others may seem to think that is a failure–to me I dogged a bullet. I am 51, attractive, smart, and successful and it seems that all the men I meet have committment issues. I don’t really think I am attracted to this type or draw them in, but I do take responsibilty for not speaking up when a boundry is crossed or just hoping it will work because i don’t want to be a failure again. I guess I was looking for more specific information but didn’t express myself well. Before, I would hang on to these so called relationships, but because of your lessons, I don’t now. I have read all the “red flag” stuff and what I feel I need information on now is more specific information about It in the very early days of dating and how to bring up the subject of boundry crossing with them and not appear pushy. I know I just haven’t met the right man, however in the earlier days of dating someone, its easy to explain away lax phone calling, and at what point is it time to cut bait? I’m finding now that my boundries are clearer due to reading your blog, that my dating relationships are very short lived but I don’t want to go to the extreme in the other direction. I am tempted to hang on anyway because of the old, “at least I have someone in my life” symdrome. I question my judgement am afraid that my expectations are too high.
NY Sharon:
I understand and hear what you are saying. I have been empowered to get control of me because of the messages that are written into the articles by NML, and the subsequent postings from others. Very loud and clear: I am the only one that I can control. I am the only one that can get me out of a relationship that is not healthy. And, truly, the most valuable lesson of all – for me anyway – was NC means NC. Where I was once consumed with just wanting to see him, hear his voice, talk to him one more time, etc. I am now in control of that situation. My mind set is now, “If I would call him, what would there be to say?” I know he is a piece of shit, he knows he is a piece of shit, and for me to repeat it would only make me feel worse, and really, it would make me look small and petty. All I was guilty of in my actions towards him was loving him. I am not a drama creator, so there was never begging, pleading, etc. That said, I was not in a healthy relationship. I was really really really guilty of too many “Defining the Relationship” talks.
The posts here have helped me with my work life too. There is so much that I can let go of that I couldn’t before. While I couldn’t wait to read this site everyday, that has slowed down a bit, as well. But, I do check in at least 4 or 5 times a week, just to remind myself that I don’t ever want to go down the path of allowing myself to be in a situation that was disrespectful of me and to me. I want to get even more emotionally healthy and I want to stay that way.
All of that said, I would like the specifics of how others moved on after NC, how they built their life little by little – beyond getting back in the dating scene. Brad K talks about taking a minimum of a year to get over a relationship. It has been a year for me, but I am still not completely healed. So, I take that to mean that it might take 2 years or more for me. I do keep busy, I get up and go to work everyday, perform my job, interact with my co-workers, etc. It is just damned hard to feel completely whole again.
Yet, I know that I am better than I was a year ago, 6 months ago, 3 months ago. Before I was involved with MM/EUM/AC, I was a happy girl. My world was a colorful colorful world. It was like a red and white checkered tablecloth with a vase of pink peonies and purple lilacs sitting on it. After my entanglement with him, my world was a grey, grey world. It has taken me, what seems to be a lifetime, to see and feel in color again. It is sort of a pink world now.
I just kept reading the same posts over and over on this website and others. Yes, it was another compulsion and obsession, but I find that much did sink in: Someone who rejected me isn’t worthy of my time; even though he is no longer involved with me, he is still who he is, “unhappy, but content”, and choosing, everyday to remain that way; there is nothing I can do to change him or the circumstances, but I can continue to focus on me.
Small steps, everyday, have made a huge difference. About three months ago, I counted the number of days of NC, now I don’t even think about it, except as an aside. I no longer cry daily. Sometimes a week will go by, and I haven’t shed a tear. I no longer have to pretend to laugh. The acting as if situations are less and less.
So, this has been a journey of getting in touch with who I really am, who I truly want to be. I do want a loving relationship. I want someone to go dancing with, someone to walk on the beach with, etc., but I have to figure out how to get unstuck. Just having the knowledge doesn’t necessarily get me into action any quicker.
Again, thanks to all for their advice, for their willingness to bare their souls, and for those who gave me a swift “kick” when I needed it.
Hi Elizabeth, You sound good and yes I think it takes time. For me it was a 15 year marriage with a EUM and then a MM. NC is the only way to go. We’ll have good days and bad. I found the best way to deal is to get back on the horse and start dating again. The ratio of healing sometimes has to do with other losses in your life and how long you were with that person. I barely grieved over my marriage because I grieved during it. I am expecting that When I meet a man see my specialness, who treats me with loving respect, none of the rest will matter. I’ve also learned to never put a question mark where God has put a period.
In terms of setting and keeping boundries as well as dealing with red flags, I found it helpful and I believe NML suggested it in one of her posts, to make a list of all your dating deal breakers. I made a list. I think I have about 10, maybe 11. First on my list is: if he doesn’t call when he says he will and does so more than twice, it’s a dating deal breaker and I’m out. It sounds and looks petty, but I think that at the beginning of a relationship, a man should be about wooing you, impressing you, showing you what a great guy he is and if he can’t pick up the phone and call you, esp. when he says he will, then what’s the point?
I liken the the situation to a business deal. For example, I meet Mr. X, who wants to sell me his product. We meet and talk, get to know one another a little, build a rapport– some general trust. I leave our “business mtg” telling him I like his product but may need a little more time and information to fully make up my mind on whether I’ll buy his product. He tells me that he really would like to do business with me, showers my business acumen with compliments and promises to call tomorrow at 3 to further discuss the proposition. But when tmrw comes at 3 pm he dosen’t call. Another day goes by and still no call, no follow up. I call him and leave a msg asking him to please call me back. Still a day goes by and no call. What does that say about Mr. X? He’s a shoddy business man, he did not close the deal, he is not a man of his word, he is not someone that I can depend on to do as he says he’ll do, he can’t be trusted, he probably didn’t want to do business with me badly enough. What should I do? Leave Mr. X and his product alone and find someone who is more serious about doing business with me. It’s Mr. X’s fault that he did not follow up. I won’t make my buisness suffer b/c he’s a jerk.
Well don’t make your emotions suffer if he’s an EUM. Not calling me and disappearing is a BIG problem for me. I hate when men do that and when they do, I’m out. If you did it once and you hardly know me, what will stop you from doing it again? It’s rude and discurteous. This is but one example of my dating deal breakers. Try making a list of behaviors that men do in relationships that you just hate and when they do it, you’ll know it’s time to bail. Like lying to you, unable to keep a job, always asking you for money, having several women, never around when you need him, etc.
I think the list helps to get you thinking about what your boundries are, what you will accept and what you won’t and that will help you decide as to when to get out. Hope this helps.
Kissie~ I like your thinking about the deal breaker stuff. I too formed a list of the type of man I want to meet, and the stuff that are deal breakers for me. Now, I’m not ready to put that into action as of yet but at least I’ll have a plan when I’m ready to step out there and date again.
I think it is so important for us, who have been burned already, to get a plan together so that we know what we want. Otherwise, we will end up with the same type of assclown, accepting crumbs when we should get the whole loaf. And after all, several of us who post here have been burned more than once so it’s important to get through the pain, and hurt and during our healing and mending process first. Then develop a plan or write down some things which you would find attractive in a mate, and things not so attractive, the deal breaker stuff and the things you could live with. I personally don’t want to just leave it up to charma and maybe over time I’ll need to make a few adjustments to the whole thing, but at least I’ve got a starting point. This will make me stronger as an individual, and it will also keep me from shagging someone after one too many beers because I’m not thinking straight.
At a former employer – a high level executive shared with our dept that first you make the plan, then you work the plan, and that’s how we turn ideas into action and success stories. I think this holds true for business as well as your personal life. If we don’t set goals, how can we ever achieve them? My goal right now is to keep working on myself, heal, grieve and return to the colorful world that I lost after I met my EUM.
Elizabeth your description of colorful is so nicely said “My world was a colorful colorful world. It was like a red and white checkered tablecloth with a vase of pink peonies and purple lilacs sitting on it.” I too want to experience that once again!
Betteroffwithouthim: Yes, I would give anything to go back to that world, however, I’m not one to live in the past.
What is still really hard for me is that I even let myself go there. That really was a first for me. And, he didn’t send off all sorts of red flags. In some ways, I should feel lucky that I hit the age of 50 without that happening to me. I do spend an inordinate amount of time wondering how my “radar” failed me on this one. I mean, beyond the fact that he was married.
I do not ignore red flags. My gut has served me well, with the exception of this one. And, that is what really sent me into a tail-spin. I still cannot believe how I got sucked into this vortex of blackness, greyness, etc. I think that is now my journey – the lesson learned from this – The minute, no, the second, that any person ever drags me to the grey zone again – I will not go there. I will not. It is why I am just sitting still for right now. No relationship with the opposite sex, in the “relationship” sense. I won’t go there, until the color returns. That is when I know that I will be completely healed.
One other thing that has helped me immensely is the studying of the i-ching and learning the hexagrams. Some real meaningful and purposeful stuff there. The history and how it came to be has life-long lessons for us all.
Again, beauty and color in every day, I will get there.
To add to my just posted post: I really believed him when he told me he was out of the door, it was just a matter of formality. Hence, in the future: Brad K’s advice – on the one – three years after the ink has dried – will be what I heed. I think that my EUM/AC is just an extremely weak man – who lost his way long ago – and doesn’t have the strength or the will to really address his problems. That is where I got sucked in. Thinking that since he could articulate what he wanted, that he would then know how to proceed rather than just getting stuck.
It is so true: His inertia enabled my inertia, which then reinforced his inertia even more. That is why NC was such a life-saver for me. That is, once I got that NC meant NC.
Some very good discussion today, and positive. I too have a deal breaker about phone calls. That is what did my last guy in. He basically said that he didn’t want to feel guilty and wanted to come and go as he pleases but he knew that I wouldn’t go for that. At least this time around I voiced my boundry and had dignity. I like the analygy that Kissie made with the business deal. Make a lot of sense. I just have to stop talking to my friends about it because they convince me I’m being too hard on the guy.
NML,
We know what love is NOT, could you write a post on what you see love IS?
Thanks. 🙂
One things that I realized is that you may have to grieve to let go of the idea of pain filled, drama filled relationships. I feel like I have to because although I’ve never been happy in them, they are familiar, I know them so well. Since the main males in my family have varying degrees of EU, having an unreliable man makes sense in a “that’s all I’ve ever known” kind of way. I know that NML and others have talked about this. But I don’t remember anything about the grieving part. And perhaps the grieving is the necessary pain to get past all this crap to better relationships with ourselves and others, including romantic relationships with men.
Again this site has been great to help me let go of my EUM friend without a lot of guilt. In fact when I think of him–though not that much anymore, I think a**hole. Yet I will say I had fun in the beginning, because we did seem to have a lot in common and a strong connection. Oh the other hand, since I had such illusions about him and he lied so much, who knows what really was real. I will own that I had fun and that maybe part of that fun was in my head, but ain’t no telling what was going on with him–then or now. Which is why it’s good that I let him go.
someone please tell me how to let go of the fear of an ex being w/ and being better for someone else. my ex and i broke up recently (again) b/c he was cheating (again), he has hit me and is basically a very dishonest, manipulative person. when i found out he was w/ this other woman immediately after we broke up, i went into a panic. i am afraid he will be wonderful for her b/c he’s learned what not to do from our relationship and the constant pain he put me through. i can’t bear the thought of him being w/ someone else. the thought of him falling in love w/ someone else makes me feel sick….. literally. any advice would be appreciated.
I don’t know why the most awful behavior EUM/ AC commonly brings up feelings that masquerade for love. If you are here you know there is something wrong, and that emans you know what love is. supposed to feel like.
My definition of love includes…respect, communication, honesty and kindness at all times.
Of course, thats the ideal and we all slip, make mistakes, have our moments of not being very loving.
We are human, but, when you have love the difference is in how bad behavior is handled. When it rears its ugly head both parties must work very hard to understand what triggered the bad behavior.
A sincere apology and attempt at righting the wrong must occur from the one who has done the hurting. True forgiveness must then occur from the hurtee. Obviously, the bad behavior cannot keep repeating itself or there is no real work or sincerity. And sadly, if this happens, at that point you must see a repeat offender for who they are – one unable or unwilling to do the work of loving.
What i have come to see is that wanting a man to love you and treat you better is not love.I was guilty of this in my EUM encounter. Wanting a man to come around, to respect you, to treat you better, to work to have a solid relationship…all those things are just want – or maybe desire would be a better word. No matter how strong the wish, the want or desire is, that is not love.
I am starting to think that think the stronger the wish or desire is , that is a clue that you are not in love but are in something else. Love is reciprocal and kind to both parties.
Sianna, a man who cheats repeatedly does not love you in a way you want to be loved. I would argue that you wish he would love you in a way you know is right but that you are not in a loving relationship. And there is nothing to ” love ” about that, and really nothing to want in that either.
I realized that I got involved with an AC / EUM as I was coming off a 30 year relationship with a decent man. The AC was the most horrible thing for my self esteem. I could not understand the pushy pully behavior and as I tried to get him to stop the pushing away, my slef esteeem eroded without me even realizing why.
For the longest time I felt like I had a ” walking wounded” sign hanging over my head and actually was hyper vigilant because I felt my weakness was obvious and and I was like walking prey. I think that is how we sometimes find ourselves in these unhealthy relationships; a weakness can be sensed. It got so band that when I walked my shoulders were hunched over. Many days I was aware of this and worked really hard to fake it, stand up tall, pretend I felt strong.
Three months of NC and I am actually getting my strength back. Reading here, thinking and writing is making me understand what I went through and making me understand how to keep it from happening again.
One thing is for sure, it is better in every way without the drama of an EUM/ AC.
Hi NYSharon, just wanted to say thanks for explaining. I have to dash off as baby is calling me but have added the questions you raised to list for upcoming posts.
NML’s last blog post..Is it love? Or is it fear, drama and pain?
And this goes beyond relationships; this can be about everyday acquaintances we let into our lives, too. Whenever there’s someone causing me trouble in life, I wonder what am I doing to attract this negative person toward me. Usually the probably is me, not the person. (Well the person is a douchebag, too, but it’s my fault for attracting them.)
Tiffany @ Engagement 101’s last blog post..Engagement 101 and Real Housewives’ Bethenny gets the skinny on the “skinny girl†diet
I’ve been thinking alot recently about my ‘belief’ system, it was getting so many mixed signals I was a ship lost at sea. I had forgotten what a ‘belief’ system was, because I was beleiving everyone else, not me! and when I listened to me it just echoed every one else. I needed to give myself a break really!! So…I have been listening to Louise L hays ‘affirmations’ for self esteem. And to be honest, (this is how I wanted to rewrite my tapes so badly) I have been sleeping with them on loop, the meditation music drifts me off to sleep and I wake in the morning with new messages. I am a wise and wonderful woman, I deserve Good in my life, I stick up for myself, I accept and love myself, I deserve success. Stuff like that. Now I know we aren’t supposed to be brainwashed. But I am obviously supseptable to it so i figure why not do it for my own good, not everyone elses. So I am allowing myself to be brainwashed for the good. I figure, if 45 years of beautiful female images on tv, billboards, magazines etc and the messages we are getting as woman are lterally sending us to the grave with poor self image then *&%$$^, I’ll fight fire with fire. I will give myself all the ammo I need to get strong and healthy and laugh myself with piss and vinegar 🙂 into my seventies! I’m done being the stupid girl, time to kick some ass! sorry if this has gone off theme, but woke up very strong today with.. ‘SELF BELIEF”.. in the best way. Last night I recieved an email from someone pretty much telling me I was priviliged to do something for them, Blatant manipulation and it made me so mad they would think I was so lame to accept this invitation!, this was after I had already told them I was not availbe on the days they needed me to do them a favor. I felt manipulated and used and angry. Rather than give in and do it and then hate them, I emailed back and told them off! I can’t beleive it, I told them, ‘I sent you an email explaining I could not do it, what don’t you understand about the email!’ I feel great. They sent an email back apologizing to me!! Thank god I’m sticking up for myself and not letting people take advantage or crash my boundaries. Ok, I probably won’t get any more work from this person, but then fine, I’ll be left in peace to work with people who respect my ‘No means No’.
I wanted to share. You can do it, give yourself the right messages, it’s working, ( I’ll let you know if anything changes in the next coupla weeks 🙂
peace and fire to warm you heart!
De:
Just read your post and GOOD FOR YOU! I too have been a lot more stern and tough with my boundaries. Its funny because when you stick up for yourself your considered a “bitch” and when you dont, you’re a door mat. Ive encountered many people telling me that I have changed..and quite frankly– i have– but for the good (I think). For most of my life I have put myself second and I have not had strong enough boundaries with my family, friends, co-workers not to mention boyfriends! Like you I feel empowered to be able to say “NO” or stand my ground on certain things rather than give in so easily. I do have to say that it takes some getting used to because I certainly find myself thinking to myself “Was I just mean or wrong for saying No?”, will this person not like me anymore because Im not going out of my way to be nice?” etc.. etc… I have learned that boundaries are important to have and you are right, I rather deal with people who have respect for those boundaries than those who dont, my focus now is on self respect and better self esteem and if that means that certain people want to opt out of my life… than I wont be begging them to stay.
Awhile ago I had tried to be friends with my xEUM only to find myself continuously hurting because of his ways. I then decided to not be his friend at all. This was quite different for me for I have been able to remain friends with many x’s in the past, but this one in particular I decided I cant. Whether its because I feel so betrayed or hurt still, the fact remains that having him in my life does not ADD to my happiness nor does it make it better. Instead, I find myself feeling anxious, not sure of myself, not good enough, wondering why things happened the way they did etc…. If you are feeling this way than it isnt a healthy relationship and we should be doing everything in our power to move AWAY from these people not trying to figure out a way to get closer. I know the impulse is there (its only human nature) but that has more to do with us than with them. Like NML says, people that have healthy relationship habits WANT and DO move away from these types of men rather than sticking around to see what happens or if things change. I have learned to see things very simply and to go with my gut feeling. If he isnt treating me right or calling me back or doesnt seem as interested as I am, I let it go…. whereas before I would twist myself into a pretzel until I figured out how to make that person change or come towards me more. I now see that as a waste of my time and as my cue to bail out. Not everyone is going to sit us down and tell us that they arent interested or that they just want us when they want us…. we have to figure this out for ourselves and that means paying attention to actions, consistency or lack there of. And if they are lacking in these things, than I would say isnt that proof enough (without having to verbally express it) that we shouldnt be “trying” any harder??? To me, they have said all that has had to be said without even saying a word! Actions speak louder than words and we have to learn to listen to that more than our desire for them to be what we want them to be.
sianna:
Trust and believe that he will NOT change just because he’s with another woman. A leopard does not change its spots (and it’s VERY RARE if it DOES change its spots). He will do the same thing to any future women, it’s just that he’ll charm them first and they’ll be too blinded by his charm to see the red flags.
This may not comfort you much, but just wanted to tell you that the chances of him changing now that he’s with someone else are as slim as an ice cube surviving in hell. 😐
Wishing you the best. STAY on this website, make it your relationship bible, and in a little while, his happiness will be as important to you as a piece of shit on your shoe. 😐
Aahh Karen, thanks for your mail..a kindred spirit!! I am feeling wonderful and agree with everything you say! More power to us 🙂
take kick-arse care!
De
I am guilty of this drama thing. I thought I am deeply in love with my MM but after reading this, it just shows that I am addicted to pain and drama. It is so true!
I just read this article and whilst I agree in principle with this above, I’d like to make an amendment:
“Wishing you the best. STAY on this website, make it your relationship bible, and in a little while, his happiness will be as important to you as a piece of shit on *****HIS****** shoe.”
I’d be bothered by shitty shoes, I like my shoes. They have value to me. They protect me, keep me safe, help me get where I need to go.
LOL