Right now, as I type this, there are millions of women out there who have ‘settled’ in a poor or so-so relationship. Many of these love assclowns or emotionally unavailable men and have dug their feet in for the long haul because they believe that they love him, so things will change, or he must change. Even worse, he may continue to minimise his input into the relationship, so she will step up her input, rewarding his 10% effort with a spurt of giving, and pleasing, and willing him to recognise her greatness.
In recent posts such as Shades of Grey – Rationalising your involvement in a poor relationship and Why do we throw ourselves at bad relationships and then wonder why it hurts, I discuss the whole betting on potential, fantasising, and in essence being so optimistic it’s beyond scary.
But the eternal optimism of Fallback Girls and assclown lovers actually masks FEAR.
The denial masks fear too.
But because many of us don’t want to deal with our fears, we chalk it up to being ‘compassionate’, to loving him, to seeing the best in people, to being kind, to being wonderful women who have been dealt a bad card.
The thing is, are you happy living like this?
Are you happy being marginalised by a Mr Unavailable or an assclown?
Does the fact that you keep getting the same results from the same efforts not mean that you need to opt out and do something different?
The fear of being alone, of being wrong about your instincts, and your judgement. The fear that the next woman will suddenly turn him from assclown to prince. The fear that even though he hasn’t left his wife for the last ten years you’ve been with him, he might just do it once you’ve ended it. The fear of confronting your own issues instead of hiding behind his.
Does life work out better because you’re optimistic about a poor relationship?
Or do you end up realising that if you going to cater to fear, you’re going to have to suck it up and settle?
Or do you finally hit the ‘enough’ moment and take a chance on yourself in spite of those fears?
Because you see, the things that we’re afraid of that paralyse us in crappy relationships where we lament his misdoing’s and blame ourselves for him not being different, all end up being far less than the misery of catering to fear.
Unless you really love misery and really just don’t ever want to like and love yourself and want a better positive relationship, you will wake up one day and wonder what the frick you were scared of!
Often, even when we’ve been around a man for years, we’ve been lonely as hell.
You can only be responsible for you. His actions are independent of yours. You didn’t make him into an assclown – he is one, but by sticking around, massaging his ego, breaking him off a piece of sex, and essentially making yourself a sacrificial lamb doormat, you are enabling his behaviour.
Misery does indeed love company and self misery in the form of self hate and blame just LOVES an assclown.
You have no right to demand or expect change from someone just because you deem yourself to be in love with them. The fact that you love an assclown or a habitually emotionally unavailable man suggests the basis of your feelings for him are borne out of negativity.
You can’t force your love on someone or literally down their throat – is that what you want? To make someone love you?
Having ‘feelings’ for someone or having a desperate urge to have them in your lives doesn’t give you an instant IOU to claim on! Loving someone doesn’t make them love you. Really, if you don’t both have both of your feet in the relationship, you’re doing all the loving for the two of you. That’s really exhausting!
And believe me – if he was ‘the one’, if things were so amazing, if you were genuinely happy and not trying to fit a square peg into a round hole, you wouldn’t need so many changes to occur for this to ‘work’ for you.
So if you look at your optimism about your involvement with him, for example, hoping he’s going to come back to you, even though he’s now shacking up with some other woman, or your denial where you tell yourself that that he’s going to change even though he’s been the same for the majority of the relationship; it becomes very clear that you’re afraid.
The relationship has left the building…you’re just sitting there pining at the window….
If you’re stuck in a poor relationship with a Mr Unavailable or an assclown, ask yourself what would happen if you stopped expecting, stopped hoping for change, and stopped fantasising?
Would he change? No. Would you be any happier? Unlikely.
What this says is that at the end of the day, if you apply optimism to poor relationships with no foundation, and a load of denial, the outcome is still going to be the same, it’s just going to be even more painful because you take a long-winded, self-mutilating route to get there when you could get off the path a lot sooner and take the chance on you and feel the fear that will invariably turn out to be less than what you expected.
Pain is not love.
If you’re in limbo and you keep engaging, and refuse to let go even when he continues his life elsewhere – that’s not him causing you pain – that’s YOU!
I know someone out there will go – but what will I do?
You know what makes you happy and it’s certainly not him and if you don’t know you need to find out so that you start living a life you enjoy instead of filling it up with assclownary.
Take responsibility and be accountable for your own life. Make decisions instead of being trapped in indecision and placing the onus on him to change and magically become the man you want. Do something. Cut contact, opt out, stop engaging – just do something and cold turkey it because the initial pain does pass. But you are the solution to your own problem – not him.
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