There was a time in my life when I would make excuses for why things were not as they should be in my relationships.
I don’t want to pressure him.
He’s struggling to cope with the strength of his feelings.
He’s waiting for his ex girlfriend to move out….
It’s just his ‘situation’. If he could finish it with ‘her’ he would but he’s afraid of what she’ll do if he ends it.
Maybe I’m a bit much to handle.
This is different. Even though it looks like it’s bad news, I know him in a way that no-one else does and I know what we have is real.
The reality is that this is called creating shades of grey where in actual fact, it’s really quite black and white. Each time I came up with reasons, excuses, explanations, and all sorts of clap trap, i was buying time, living in denial, and seeing what I wanted to see.
One of the things that many a Fallback Girl and in fact, many a woman in a poor relationship will find, is that she believes that she is different or that her situation is different.
Take me. When I spent 18 months of my life pandering to a cheating assclown, I thought I was different to all of those other women who are with ‘somebody else’s guy’.
When the blinders started to lift and I found myself incredibly disenchanted, I found myself fighting harder to prove myself because the thought that I was making a tit out of myself and that the situation was in fact no different, seemed unbearable. In the end, I realised that what was unbearable was sending myself to the slaughter house for a scheduled shag, some conversation to make it look like we were more than what we were, endless discussions and arguments about when he was going to sort his sh*t out, and even more private time on my own spent agonising and analysing my mess.
At the point in my life when I realised that I was a lover of Mr Unavailables, I became super aware that it was time to stop chasing men that don’t want me.
Harsh, but oh so true.
If you have to chase, if you have to fight to make it to number 10 in the queue, never mind number 1, and if your life is spent trying to make him see that you should be together and yadda yadda yadda, he does not want you.
I’ve focused on what they’ve said, how they chased me, the promises but in truth, this is just a bit of chump change.
As I pointed out to a reader today, “It doesn’t matter that they chased you intensely for the first four months – what matters is that now that two years have gone by, he’s not been chasing, treating you decently, or behaving consistently for the remainder of the time.”
If a man chases you for two months of the year and plays hide and seek for the next 10, that means that for eighty three percent of the year, he’s been messing with your head and this is his true character and his true behaviour.
I’m all for optimism, but this is taking the glass is half full mentality to the extreme and putting your focus on the wrong things.
Sometimes, you need to get medieval with yourself. When I realised I’d been with one guy for 5 months and he only blew hot for 2 weeks, I knew I was doing a disservice to myself.
Suddenly I realised that it was time to stop seeing shades of grey and that it was time to see things in black and white as they are, because in reality, people in healthy relationships don’t need to blur the lines and live in la la land to make things sit more comfortably.
This is the same way that you have to look at yourself too because emotional unavailability is not just about flip flapping men who often come back when they need an ego stroke – It’s about emotionally unavailable women who regardless of whether these men attempt to come back, are putting their lives on hold in the hope that he will come and ‘fall back’ on them.
Shades of grey indeed! Often, it is what it is, even if that makes for unpleasantries but in recognising the truth in your involvement, comes grief, comes acceptance, comes time to move the hell on.
Remember, from the moment that you know he doesn’t want you, you shouldn’t be worrying about why he doesn’t want you – I’d concern yourself from detaching yourself and your emotions from someone who doesn’t recognise your value.
Your thoughts?
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Hi there, I’ve been lurking but now is the time to come clean!
I’ve been ‘involved’ with an EUM for the last 5 years and still am to some extent. The first 2 years were spent with me chasing my fantasy – that he was my soul mate etc., despite the fact that he’d told me from day two that he was never going to ‘belong to one woman again’, post separation trauma thought I! He’ll realise how safe and lovely i
My recommendation to anyone involved with an EUM – get out now. I wasted about two years on one. Now that I’m finally freed from his “spell” I’m realizing that we had nothing. It’s hard to look back on two years knowing it was just wasted on hopes for or ideas about a relationship that just never existed in his mind.
For the first time in years, I am not interested in anyone and I don’t have any EUM tugging at my heartstrings. I’d be lying if I said it was a great feeling. I feel as if I only have myself to face. And that is fine, but, it feels like there is a certain void.
So I am taking the next few months to focus on my self esteem, my friendships, my family and my work. And I’m going to work really hard not to fall for another EUM. Hopefully, this time around, an available man is just around the corner, and a healthy, fun relationship!
Good luck all!
Oops sorry pressed the wrong key!
I was going to say that is this so bad if you know what you are doing? Yes maybe it’s because the alternative is bad and scary (Brad K put this wonderfully in his Rose Lane analogy)
In my case the message was clear from day one but I had a fantasy to pursue – when I wised up, split up and spent 3 years in therapy I understood what I’d been doing, and also that this sort of part time non committed ‘relationship’suits me. Any closer and I panic!
So is it so bad if you are in this sort of relationship, if you know what you are doing and why, or is this yet another manifestation of the power of denial?
I really can’t decide. Recently my EUM had a falling out with the OW so suddenly he was all over me – I knew immediately what was happening, at first felt happy that she was out of the picture, then completely panicked at the idea that he might actually be available! So I was quite relieved when she re-appeared.
So I think that knowing yourself is key to all of this, after that we all have a choice as to how to behave and how we allow others to behave towards us. Very few people have no power at all, no matter how strong the compulsion to continue to behave in a self destructive is.
As far as I know obssession with an EUM is not up there with serious drug addiction though it certainly can feel like it!
This article is a great reminder for me. I went through those phases several months ago. I thought of myself as troublesome and he had just ended a very long term relationship with an ex. He was making excuses and buying more time to shag me, while I was rationalizing and living in my own fantasy land. Everything in the article sounded familiar.
I have not seen my EUM for over a month now (1.5 months). This is the longest time we’ve gone without seeing each other and I feel really proud of myself. The last step I need to take is to cut all communication as we’re still in touch via email.
This guy is completely useless to me. Even when we’re in touch via email he is condescending, rude, and putting me down. And then I start to doubt myself, believe in his evil words, wondering when I’ll hear from him again, and then loathing myself for having been in contact with him in the first place and wanting to cut it seriously this time. It is like crack; I’ve become addicted.
Within the next month, I hope to completely cut contact and cease all communications — that’ll be my last and final step.
Good luck to everyone and in everyone’s post, I see a version of myself and my soon to be ex-EUM. Thanks, NML.
Jesyca, cut contact NOW and start to feel better and heal.
Why within the next month, what keeps you from doing NC?
You are “comminucating” via e-mail and he is rude?
I was debating on if my EUM (Steve) was an assclown or not. Well I went to his office last week (first time I SAW him in two months) to discuss the laptop I had repaired. He told me to sit by him on the couch..and let’s just say I have my answer.
Anyway regarding the subject of the article..I noticed if I fight…it creates an illusion about the relationship because sometimes I win.. Last night I texted him and he ignored me.
Actually he ignored all PERSONAL texts. He answered all texts relating to business. Sometimes however he doesn’t even do that and leaves me hanging.
I texted him and asked him why he was ignoring me. No answer. I texted him that I was depressed now. He texted back he can’t talk right now but would call me tomorrow.
This morning he actually did call me. Sometimes he doesn’t. But I still had to complain in order to get him to do it.
What would have happened if I had not complained? Maybe I would be learning to face and cope with the fact he does not want me,
But also if I had not complained he would later come at me blowing hot and flirting again.
The amazing thing with this is.. This website helps SO much.. but then after a while.. when you start to “see the light” and then you read again.. it becomes so CLEAR… WHY are we wasting time and energy with someone who cannot give us what we want!!! I totally believe it’s what NML says.. being with these men validate the negative self talk that WE OURSELVES believe about ourselves.. “See.. this is why I’m not worth it”. and we end up yearning to be rejected.. because it becomes a pattern. This whole process of realization and healing has been both terrifying and beautiful at the same time!! Baby Steps!!!
sorry about my horrible punctution. My computer montior is in a weird postion and it is hard to see what I am doing.
I don’t know what to do… I quit the EUM a year ago and spent the past few months thinking about what kind of man I wanted in my life. He would have to be kind, honest, considerate, a family man, reliable, passionate, fun. Well he has shown up in my life but I feel NOTHING. Last night he spent the night at my house and I laid in bed next to him thinking about the ex-EUM. With the EUM there were intense highs and lows but with this nice kind generous man nothing. I don’t like this… I want to like him because he’s made it very obvious that he is into me. How have any of you handled these feelings?
I’ve been reading this site for the last couple of days. Everything makes so much sense.
I’ve been TOW for the last 5 years…God I never thought it would go on for so long. I just can’t seem to let go. I’ve tried but I always go back. I’m the typical fallback girl. I think back to the beginning when he chased me and he chased me for years. It was very intense for about 2 years and then he started going into his cave.
I’ve been fighting to get that back. It’s a constant struggle. Like the article says sometimes I think it’s my fault, if I wasn’t so needy and clingy, he might be different. But I think the situation has made me needy.
When I break up with him then he starts to chase me again. The mix messages are so confusing.
THere is something I just cannot understand about these men. If I were not interested I would just tell a person that I didn’t feel the same about them as they do me. I wouldn’t drag him around for months, years on end blowing hot/cold until they decided they had enough, or until they leave.
In IvyOwl’s post I too experienced this similar situation with my EUM. But if I sent a text he always responded, if I emailed he always responded, if I called he always called me back. But then when he did respond or call I would wish he hadn’t, I felt worse after the communication than I felt before. It was me that would go days, weeks of no text msgs, no phone calls. But I just could not stop the emailing. Maybe I felt safer during email, and it was during the day only of course because I was the OW. So communication only happened during business hours. Sometimes if I felt lonely (after bus. hrs) I would text and then he would respond in seconds but the response was so cold or distant I wished I hadn’t reached out to him at all.
When I retreated he began to blow warm, then hot. When he got my attn he went to Siberia. The coldest climate, and I continued to feel hopeless, powerless and confused. “Why does he keep hanging around?” is what I would think to myself. But I should have been asking “Why do I keep hanging around for this?”
It’s up to us to change the behavior and take our personal power back. We keep giving it up to assclowns who use, and abuse us because they are insecure about themselves. Leave them, let them grow up (if they ever do) and go out and find a man who treats us right. If we can’t find a man that will, we can at the very least be happy and love who we are.
Kim2, you said: “I want to like him because he’s made it very obvious that he is into me.”
Why do you want to like him, because he is into you?
If you are not into him, than he is just not the right man for you, that is why you don’t feel nothing for him.
Keep on dating until you meet the right one for you.
ivyowl ,Lori, these type of men keep responding to your txts, phone calls, e-mails to “keep you around” not to keep you.
See the difference?
I agree with Astelle on this Kim2. If you are not that into him, then let him go and keep dating. Otherwise, you are becoming the Ms. Unavailable and jerking him around because you need to feel wanted, sexy, or lovable but have no intention of commitment. You have one foot in and one foot out.
Astelle, I do see the difference….now. But I didn’t then. And now just reading your words of “keep you around” just makes me feel so cheap, unlovable and used. (Not because you said them of course, but because I remember how bad he made me feel on the inside.)
So they just want us around for ego strokes? But other than that they don’t want us?
You got it. We’re convenient, we’re already hooked and we jump at moments notice when they pay us a little attention yet we get nothing in return. I wouldn’t call that love, would you?
Lori, that happened to me, he responded to leave the door open.
Don’t feel too bad, I am still embarrassed about it. 🙂
mariposa, I highly recommend that you download NML’s book about the Fallback girl. I n your case you are chasing a man that is not available – he is married – he has a wife already. Cut contact with him, find a single man to date.
Astelle…. Why do you want to like him, because he is into you?
I want to like because he has all the qualities I wanted in a man. I have done this before with other men too. They are nice and there is nothing wrong with them at all but I just don’t feel a thing. If he didn’t call I would not care. The nicer the guy is to me the faster I lose interest. Perhaps buried somewhere I feel I don’t deserve to be treated like I’m someone special.
I am being EU now. The guy last night brought a bottle of wine, rubbed my back, talked and talked. He’s trying to hard to impress me but I’m starting to feel bad about it all. I don’t want to hurt him because we’ve known each other all of our lives. Maybe he’s trying to hard or moving too fast? Have you felt this way? The man that chases me – I don’t want… and the man I chase – doesn’t want me. What a mess!
Kim2 if you don’t have NML’s book, then download it now and start reading. You’ll keep bouncing around like this your whole life until you get this figured out for yourself. You’ve got to take your personal power back and start loving yourself. Another good book is: “Women who love too much”. Highly recommend it, helped me and so did NML’s book and coming to this site.
Kim2, you have known this man all your live? Maybe that is the reason you are not into him, where is the sudden love “connection” coming from with this man?
Kim 2
You need to take a break from dating, plain and simple.
nysharon November 25th, 2008, 9:56 pm
Kim 2
You need to take a break from dating, plain and simple.
.. I haven’t dated in over a year and been divorced for 20 yrs.
Astelle November 25th, 2008, 9:49 pm
Kim2, you have known this man all your live? Maybe that is the reason you are not into him, where is the sudden love “connection†coming from with this man?
… we ran into each other at our class reunion over the summer, that was the first time I had seen him in several years. We grew up together and had been friends but never dated.
Here is a man being nice to me and I don’t know how to handle it. I can feel myself putting up walls. I have done this before with every man that has treated me well. In between the nice ones are the EUMs that I can’t have a relationship with either. The EUM does to me what I do to these nice guys… isn’t that odd? I’m EU too.
With the nice guys I start to feel trapped – is that how EUMs feel too? When a nice guy is trying to impress me I want to be left alone. When I accept a date the closer it gets the less I want to go. I don’t give the decent guys a change because I push them away after 2 or 3 dates.
What this article is making me focus on is WHAT I WANT. And it’s a guy who e-mails me and/or calls every day.
Because he WANTS to. Not because I have to eaither ask him or tell him to.
Maybe it’s just that simple, and there really ARE no excuses like “he’s busy at work” or… well, anything.
Loving Annie — when I get a guy that does that, that does all the things I wanted the EUM to do – I freak out. I start to suffocate and I don’t feel safe. How weird is that? I feel safer suffering over an EUM and trying to figure him out than just enjoying letting a man be nice to me. I’m nuts……!!
Kim2, I think it’s something to do with your past. Some early childhood emotional trauma or circumstance. Maybe you can’t remember it, but it’s holding you back from being open, available and loving. Not just with yourself but with others. It’s like you’re not being the real you. But it may take you time to figure out who the real “you” is.
Put dating on hold, get your own life in order. You’re worth all that effort, and the journey will be difficult but so well worth it.
i could have written this….and it coming today was timely…..wow…..i don’t know what i’m going to do…but i’ve got some perspective…..
Kim2, maybe you are overthinking, what was the attraction to that guy after so many years?
My attitude now? Any man that needs to be convinced as to why he should be with me….DOESN’T BELONG WITH ME! I’ll never make excuses again. I spent too much time. Time that I could have spent with someone who deserved me, or just plain happy on my own! On point as always, NML!
I have woken up to the fact I do all the communicating like Lori G if I texted he texted back etc etc I too couldn’t stop until last month or so when I forced my self to quit cold turkey texting him..
I recently saw him for lunch and thought I fought so hard to be in this spot.. why am I always fighting to be somewhere in the line and on his radar?? His message to me is clear if I look at his actions which are zero zip… compared to his words yes we will talk soon I’ll call you soon and we will meet up soon… all these words mean nothing..
I’m so close to quitting now… don’t know why I’m quite hanging on..
My EUM said the exact same thing. “Let’s talk soon”….ugh! I remember how I felt after he said that and one time I actually asked him when “soon” was. Boy did that hit a nerve, how dare I put some type of expectation on him like that. So then I would cower, go into my corner and just feel like crap but at the same time wishing, and hoping he would call tomorrow that he would want me enough to contact me tomorrow. When tomorrow came, I received nothing, no email, no call, no text. Then I’d contact him via email after a few days and then he got on my case how dare I set expectations for him to contact every couple hours or every day or anything. I feel like such a fool now, and I’m thinking does he sit back and laugh his arse off at me, thinking “man was she stupid” or something to that effect?
Tulipa-try to stay NC with guy. He will never meet your needs or be a man. He’ll stay an immature, selfish boy who continues to manage down your expectations of what a real relationship is or could be.
This post came at a great time, I’m starting NC (again) with an EUM who has told me that he doesn’t want a relationship with me, yet when I walk away he pursues me! It’s very frustrating to mistake his hot/cold as real feelings. I understand that his actions are purely selfish and he cares nothing about me. It took me a full year to realize this. Any ideas for no contact when you can’t change your number? I don’t have a problem not calling him, but I do have trouble ignoring his calls and texts.
It’s ironic how NML posted this today as it was just what I needed to hear. I’ve been going through month 2 of NC and the more time passes the more clearly I see him. I loved this man for over 2 years and I was blinded to what I thought he was and could be and not the reality of him. What I didn’t realize was how little I was settling for, how I didn’t stand up for myself, how I allowed everything to be his way and suffer in silence (most of the time, until I finally let it out) not getting my needs met. It’s hard to take a good hard look at oneself and realize these men are selfish pigs looking to fulfill their needs and put themselves first to say the least…however, we allowed them with open arms, loving them the whole time no matter how poorly we are treated. I am so thankful for all of you and your honest sharing and thoughtful comments…
Kim2…I’ve had the same feelings in the past with “nice” men who treated me well. I didn’t feel any passion toward them…and that was always a problem. I think we find the EUM attractive, because they are a challenge for us…perhaps you aren’t ready to be involved with the “nice” guy yet and just need time on your own for a while. I’m sure once we get “healthier” we will find “nice” guys who treat us well alot more attractive. A loving, committed relationship has to be based on more than just chemistry and great sex. I have to learn the same lesson as you!!! You are not alone…keep your chin up!
Kim2, I feel exactly as you do, but I haven’t even progressed as far as you have-I have only dated ONE man in four years. Even the thought of dating puts me in a tailspin because of the very feelings I anticipate, which are a mirror image of yours.
I can’t imagine who will be able to spark my interest and I’m horrified at the idea of letting my guard down, so I don’t even try! I’m scared of thinking that nobody but my EUM will do. How twisted is THAT??
Having said that, this fantastic site and all its contributors is making me feel that I can come out of this self destructive phase.
Thank you! I needed this! I just changed my ex’s name in my phone to Ass Clown to remind myself.
1. I’m way too good for him.
2. I don’t need this Ass Clown in my life….
The reason I’m keeping his number at all is we work together and I do need to contact him for work. But this will be a constant reminder that he is in fact an Ass Clown.
JC, yes, I have an idea for no contact when you can’t change your number(s). DON’T ANSWER THE PHONE!!
I never changed my home or cell number, why would I inconvenience a bunch of people like my friends, school, doctors, overseas relatives and friends, work, etc. by changing my numbers for ONE person?? Numbers and contact Information important to a lot o people for years, before this clown came into my life. I don’t think so!
I can choose to take a call, a txt, answer an e-mail and so can you.
If you have “trouble” ignoring his calls and txts, you should read all of Natalie’s great posts about NC, download her book, get busy reading and make a decision, not an excuse that it is too hard to resist him.
I know how you feel, but in order to get him out of your life, you have to ignore him – or keep playing his game – the choice is yours and I can tell you are tired of it or you would not be here with the rest of us 🙂
As soon as you understand that YOU have to end it, because he won’t, as long as you keep responding to him, you will stay on this rollercoaster.
RES, good attitude, that is how I feel, let’s not waste time anymore 🙂
Took us a while to get there, but we got there, yeah! 🙂
Tulipa, you really need to quit NOW, like I always say (yes, puke, I am talking from experience) he is responding to your contact to keep you around, not to keep you!! Please stop being his doormat.
Lori G, no, I don’t believe that he sits back and thinks, man is she stupid or what, don’t give him too much credit for thinking, he likes the ego strokes no matter what, but please stop being his doormat.
He said that you are putting expectations on him (puke again), so please leave “it”, I mean “him” alone. Please stop contacting this sorry picture of a man, stick with NC and move on.
Finally, I hope you keep up the NC,you are doing great, you are realizing that you were walking on eggshells with that guy.
Spot on!
Lord, I can remember all the excuses I made for that idiot. I can say that one positive has materialized from this ridiculous situation, that is no more one-sided relationships with anyone! So ladies, this can apply to our platonic relationships with both men and women. If others are not pulling their weight then it’s probably better to get out
Astelle November 25th, 2008, 10:59 pm
Kim2, maybe you are overthinking, what was the attraction to that guy after so many years?
Mainly because he is such a decent, honest, compassionate man. When we were younger and in the same crowd he was fun – he was just like me and we like to do the same things. We both have grandkids, outdoors type people. The wall isn’t this particular man because I have done this before. Nice man that treats me well and I get claustrophobic. I push them away then I wonder why.
Kim2- Right now, seems like you should be focusing on what KIM2 needs/wants from herself. There’s a wounded child in there needing your attn/affection/nurturing and love. Tend to KIM2 first, make her your priority.
You deserve to be happy, but nothing will change in relationships unless you change first. You’ll keep attracting people who will feed off your negative self beliefs. That’s why you can’t handle the “good” or “nice” guys you feel somehow that you’re not worthy of them or their affection so you make yourself “unavailable”.
I think I’m starting to slip. I’ve been reading for the posts for days even offering advice and reading the book Women Who Love to much and then this Shades of Grey is here. I don’t want to write a long post but I need to get it out somehow and since my best friends are totally sick of hearing it (I’ll try to be brief), I have no where else to go. I’ve posted before so some of you may know I’m still with my EUM. I have been planning the opt out plan, setting the date of January 1. Here we are wtih the holidays approaching and my EUM couldn’t be more into me! The thing is (now I’m wondering if I’m making excuses)..but he has never been the kind of man that some of you have described. We see each other every day/night that he is in town and not traveling with his job. He text/calls when he is away and just like NML suggested, I have implemented cutting back and just like she said, he got pissy, even implying that I am the one seeing someone else. He has always been insecure, he acts jealous and I now don’t mistake that for caring but his own insecurities. He is planning the holidays with me, has even talked about us taking a trip afterwards and I just sit there looking at him like what the HELL? Last weekend while drinking of course, we were talking about who is going to take care of us in our old age. He has kids, I do not and he said he didn’t think they would step up and do it. I said I thought he would have someone by then and he looked straight at me and said “why not you?” Months ago, I probably would have cried and said well, of course darling! But I just looked at him and said, well, I think we both know that I’ll be long gone by then. He just looked at me like I was crazy! After the last (5th) breakup I came to this site, I read and read and now realize a lot of it is me and I want to fix it but damnit, if I’m not slipping back into that old “WHAT IF”….I can’t help myself. I replay conversations we have had where he said “I love you, I’m just trying to figure it out”…Then I start to think about the ex wife. How he could have been married for almost 17 years..what was it about her that he fell in love with? She is a pathalogical liar, lives like a pig and even lies to her kids. Then the next serious GF was married with promises of divorce only to go back to her husband leaving my EUM devistated. I honestly feel like I’m going insane. Am I trying to rationalize it? Is he just blowing the hot because maybe he thinks he is losing me because I’m distant? He has been good to me. I’ve been through some hard times, only been able to work temporary jobs, totaled a car and am now without one, have had to move in with my mother and he is totally there. He takes me where I need to go, he builds me up, would even give me financial support if I need it. Is this not a man that loves me? Could he just be seriously wounded? My mind races has been for days now. I just don’t get it. I honestly need therapy because I’m going to drive myself nuts!
This article really hit home for me. I spent 4 yrs with an EUM trying to rationalize all his BS and craziness. I finally realized that there was nothing “special” about him. He was not “misunderstood “. He was just an asshole! He told me during our last conversation that if the old “Holly”, the one who took care of him and would come over when he had time didn’t exist anymore, that there was nothing left for him.Instead of starting to apologize, etc, I just said “ok”, and hung up. It really hit home then that he was using me, and had been for quite some time. It hurts tremedously, but at least the blinders are off.
Holly-I can totally relate. I think we have had conversations before on this site too. When I realized I was being used and had been used the whole 2yrs of the relationship it hurt so bad. But it has been 3 months NC and I feel stronger and better than ever. Now that the blinders are off, I am beginning to see things in a completely different way. I feel good, I feel FREE and it’s great!
Just keep up the NC, you don’t need that assclown!
Tryingtoleave him–I’ve been there, seriously. You will drive yourself insane looking for the “deeper meaning”. He has compartmentalized you into an area of his life, and needs you there for his own comfort. Read “Women Who Love Too Much” by Robin Norwood, Or “Men who hate women and the women who love them” by Susan Forward.
I also understand about your friend not wanting to to listen. Mine didn’t either! I am more than willing, so feel free to talk to me, I’ve been there!
Hi, this is for tryingtoleavehim,
Sweetheart, don’t try to leave him. Leave him. Just leave. You are addicted to the drama women have been socialized to believe is love. It’s not love. It’s drama. If you have broken up with someone five times and then got back together just to break up agian, that is drama. Why are you so concerned about what he says? what does he DO? How does he make you feel? about yourself and the “relationship” you both are in? You say you “can’t help yourself”? Sure you can. The question is do you CHOOSE to? Do YOU have the will to say enough is enough? You have one life. Why share it with someone who makes you feel insecure, unlovable, unworthy and unsure? You do want a stable loving companion? Right?Someone who you can rely on? Right? What your EUM is doing now is blowing hot, making you see his “good” side, because he thinks you might leave and then he won’t have anyone to put up with his immature BS. I don’t mean to be harsh, but stop playing the victim who’s looking for someone to save you. Save yourself, because the moment he realizes that your are hooked again he’ll show you his true character. No one can treat you badly unless you allow it. Stop it. It’ll be hard, but for your sanity, you must stop obessing about him and what you think he could be “if only…” If only never comes with these men, never.
I’m reading it now and thank you! Its not only my friends but my whole family who is sick of it. They just deal. Tomorrow should be interesting as my mom is joining us at his house for lunch! Lovely!
Kissie, thanks! I knew deep down that if I posted on here I’d good a good swift kick from someone. Its what I need and probably why I delayed in posting for a day or so now. Thanks again!
This was a great post (obviously it hit the right note with a lot of other readers too!)
I have been trying to decide whether to cut off all contact with my ex partner – whether to try again – what best to do. This last few days he’s blown very hot and cold in contact with me – on Monday saying some very positive stuff, on Wednesday saying I’ve been unfair and cruel. I’ve also spent some time making excuses for him (in my head) about how many issues he’s had to deal with, & why it’s hard for him to change.
On reading the post – I wonder what I’ve been doing! I want to find a consistently loving, kind, respectful and honest person to share my life with, and sad to say, my ex does not seem to be the one. His issues are his business and I want to move on with my life.
Hello, I’m Ade and I’m a fallback girl. 2 years go, I met a man at my office and after he pursued me relentlessly, I agreed to date him. After 4 months, he became an EUM. When we ended earlier this year, he made it a point to let me know that he is not ready for commitment, settling down or whatever else comes with seeing someone exclusively. He also noted that he does not want a workplace relationship (I didn’t remember to tell you this part NML) and that he could never imagine anything natural with me. When I wrote to Natalie, I was afraid and ashamed to have my letter published. But after reading her response and really, really thinking about my situation (a small part of me is still hoping that he will return…how very sad), I decided to make a comment here. He is now dating someone else in our office.
Thanks to Natalie, I can finally admit that I have a problem. I am now willing to move on from this mess and get a better perspective of my life. Yesterday, I downloaded an ebook called “How to Heal a broken heart in 30 days”. I plan to use it along with “Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl”. Is there anyone else here who has dated and broken up with a co-worker, and then have them date someone else within your office? If so, how did you handle it? It’s been 8 months since we ended and there are days when I feel as if I am still in shock.
This article had me in tears last night. It’s so true.
The guy I was seeing just disappeared. Didnt say bye, no explanation, nothing. I didnt call him or look for him, I took it as a sign he wasnt interested. He comes back two weeks later via email saying he loves me and he’ll be back soon. Oh and thanks for understanding. I refuse to let him know how hurt I am so I dont try contacting him. Im just dreading the day he comes back because I dont know if ill be strong enough to say no.
Kaylina-
YOU must decide you will not talk to this EUM when he comes back. You said you have been NC for awhile. I’m sure that it’s been easier without him around. You have to give up the false hope that he will be consistent. People that care about you don’t treat you like that.
Hi Kaylina,
I’ve had that very same thing happen to me. An EUM was pursuing me relentlessly and then after two months he just disappeared without a trace. Before him I was in a two year cat and mouse game with another EUM who had every excuse under the sun why he couldn’t commit to me. I thought I would not be strong enough to say no to him if he were to come back into my life. But you know what, I was. I had to finally figure out that he did not love me…I was just the chick he f**ked every once in a while. I was nothing to him but another warm soft lay. That’s alll and if i made it so easy for him to use me then why not? I never put any demands or expectations on him b/c I feared it would chase him away, but the reality is is that I never had him. All I had was an illusion of him, the him I wanted to see not the real him…the him that was really hurting and using me. Get angry, Kaylina. Stop and think how utterly hurt you were when he disappeared, think about how worthless he made you feel, how unlovable he made you feel. Now ask yourself, did you deserve to be treated that way? All you gave him was your attention and your time, maybe even your love, and his response was to hurt you, to make you feel less than. People who care about you don’t treat you like that. He is a coward, an emotional coward who is unable to have any emotional integrity in his relationships, he is emotionally damaged and you CANNOT fix him, it is not your job to do so. Tell youself everyday that you are worthy, beautiful, special and deserving of a man who will have the emotional integrity to love you CONSISTENTLY. If he cannot, then he is unavailable, and thus not ready for a relationship with you or anyone else. You’re a lot stronger than you give yourself credit…he is not worthy of YOU.
and to tryingtoleavehim… you are very welcome. Hang in there. everyone woman on this blog has been burned by an EUM and is getting stronger and better. You will too. It takes time, but you can do it. trust in yourself. I do.
Amen Kissie!
Kaylina-I had to start journaling my thoughts, feelings, etc every day to remember how I felt about the way my EUM treated me. Somehow I conveniently forgot all those things when he would start contacting me again. If I journaled it then I could refer back to it and it helped me see the cycle of abuse and the same things were happening over and over again. It helped me get strong enough to do the NC and it hurt, it was hard, but I have no regrets. Like Kissie I too was just a warm lay or ego stroke when he needed one.
Yep..I never put expectations or demands out of fear it would chase him away. Never questioned his many contradictions story about just getting divorced. Never asked for more time or why he was gone for 4 or 5 days or why I wasnt worthy of the 5 minutes it would have took to send me a text. Ive been under the illusion that because he’s 15 years older than me, he wouldnt screw me over.
As long as I keep in mind that no self-respecting woman would allow themselves to be a standby, telling him NO should be easy. Reading the articles here have really helped. Ty !
This post was particularly straight to the point and really got me. It was just what I needed. I saw my EUM’s baby-momma driving today and I just wanted to flag her down and yell “run away!” since he’s been sleeping with her, sleeping with the new FBG, sleeping with the old FBG and until a few months ago sleeping with me. Uggghhh. The picture is just so ugly and gross when you finally take the rose colored glasses off. I’m embarrassed to have even been a part of it. The best part about this post, too, is the part that explains that even though he spent whatever period of time chasing, what he does after he “gets” you is the person he really is. My EUM chased me for YEARS, only to turn around and bag some other woman within a few weeks of “getting” me. That was the hardest, most confusing part, and the part that made me think I was different. But after NC for three months, I actually thought to myself yesterday after reading this post – “I don’t want to be his ‘anything’ anymore – not friends, not enemies – nothing. I forgive him for hurting me, and I forgive myself for getting involved with someone like that. If he’s happy doing what he’s doing, then I’m happy for him, and if not I hope he finds his way someday. It will just never be with me, and that’s finally actually ok.”
NML, I cant thank you enough!!!
What you wrote is my story, and it time to stop for me to chase and wait for my MR Unavailable…I need to be strong and start my NC for second time again (I hope it will be my last time!)
To BBP, it’s great that you are healing and able to move on from this hurt. I am happy for you.
To Kaylina, the EUM that i dealt with for two years was eight years older than me and I too thought since he was older than me he would be more mature and ready to settle down, but I was greatly mistaken. Age for these men really is just a number. In fact some of these EUMs target younger women because we’re inexperienced and more likely to put up with thier garbage.
Fianally, to all the women on this log, please understand that these men have other women, you are more than likely not the only one he is stringing along and have sexual relations with. So PLEASE be careful, sexually transmitted diseases are not fun and can be DEADLY!!! my EUM gave me genital herpes… please be careful.
This is all very thought-provoking stuff.
In my case, I’m still stuck.
Maybe I haven’t finished with him – properly – because I do not want to face the pain of it.
The pain of tolerating the bad times with him, is not as bad as the pain I anticipate from cutting him out of my life. Stubborn and stupid as it may be.
I confess, I am frightened of life without him. I am frightened of how painfully I will miss him. Afraid of losing what sometimes feels like my anchor. Of regretting it. I am frightened of making a mistake. What if I one day concluded that leaving him was an over-reaction?
I even admit to the fear that maybe no one else is any better and I will end up depressed about being alone and childless..?
So I rationalise sticking it out by saying to myself – It’s not that bad really. There is potential. Look at all the times it’s been fine – when he has treated me well. (instead of grumps / hostility / undermining / over-bearing). Look at how deeply I love him. How his heart is in the right place. Look at how special he is. He’s not a cheat, like so many are. He’s not all bad news. It’s not black and white.
Shades of grey keep the whole thing in an (un)comfortable limbo.
It seems easier to tolerate pain, and complain about it, cry about it – much easier than it is to take responsibility, grab hold of the steering wheel, and make a change.
At least, that’s where I seem to be now.
NML great post! I have done this even lately “but remember that time when he said this and how he couldn’t live without me…” it’s always “remember that one time”… But the thing is, I agree with what a lot of women are saying on here if I didn’t like a guy I can’t even fake it, I’m just not into them. You tell us to move on if someone is just not that in to you. The hard part with this is that these guys were engaged with us to some extent, my EUM spent tons of time with me. Guys that I don’t like I am not remotely interested in seeing at all or calling… I don’t blow hot at all. So that I find is the hard part of letting go… they gave us a taste and I find it hard to believe that it was all fake all the time.
I recognize that “remember that time” is not good enough, and yet simply saying “he didn’t want me” doesn’t quite sum it up either. He clearly did want me to some extent… I know that’s not good enough I just am saying I think that’s why we can’t let go because they did seem dedicated at times which leaves the feeling that there was something worth fighting for, vs, oh there was just no connection with that person and so it’s easy to see why it didn’t work.
Lia, definitely sounds like you are drawn to the drama and don’t want what’s best for yourself. I’m sorry if this sounds harsh but you remind me of my former EUM with all the indecision and endless excuses.
You were a whole, productive individual before you met this man, why can’t you be that person again? You said you are afraid of being alone but aren’t you already alone by being with this type of man? Do you really believe that this man would be a loving and caring father?
I’ll tell you, when I cut the cord to my former assclown, I felt liberated and felt I had finally seen the light and had wondered what the hell had taken me so long. Knowing now what I was involved with, I would never subject myself to so little again, because you know what I deserve a hell of a lot better , and so do you. No more Excuses!!!!
Dazed, your guy spent tons of time with you – exactly for how long?
2, 3, months? How long does it take to get to know a person? Yeah, 3-6 months. Saying that “he didn’t want me”, yes, it DOES sum it up. How can you question that? Is he around? No, he isn’t.
You are more detached from reality than he is.
I agree that he did WANT you at one time, but that is in the past and there is nothing to fight for. In your case – I don’t know the man – I am not sure he is EUM – I think the EUM ‘s are very secret about what they are doing, they want you to be commited to them so they can fall back on you!
So, him bringing the new GF to the gym, knowing you would be there, makes no sense to me. He is not doing that to pi** you off, he is living his life and you just happen to get a glance at what he is doing because you are going to the same gym.
I know it sounds awful, but you even said “they seem dedicated at times” O.K., he was at the beginning, I feel you can’t let go because you can’t believe that he is done and doesn’t want you.
I know it hurts, I was hurt back then, but that is life.
Who knows, maybe your situation could have worked out, but with your control issues and I am not saying needy, you don’t strike me as being needy at all, it will be your way or the highway and he eventually took the highway. He said to you at one point that he will not re-live this relationship, please think about it for a minute why he said that, don’t make this all about you, you are not the victim.
I truly believe this man, call him jerk, a**hole or whatever, removed himself from a crazy situation and I would like for you at one point to step back and look at what REALLY happened. Yes, it will not bring him back but you may have a better chance with the next man you are dating.
I don’t want to sound harsh, I know I sound harsh, but in your situation you pulled the “boiling bunny” on him.
Don’t think that I am standing up for him, I just go by your posts about your situation and he sounds to me like man that is just done, he is not playing games with you, calling you up for some fun or anything, he is leaving you alone and you need to do the same.
I could understand if he would be jerking you around or send mixed messages or whatever, but he doesn’t, he even told you to leave him alone.
Please put this in your past so you can move on.
Kissie, you are so right, they have other women and age doesn’t matter. Just be careful, if he runs into a “dry spell” you may hear from him. I am so sorry that he gave you genital herpes, I had to google it to learn there is no cure for that? OMG, I am so sorry.
Yes, we were just a warm lay…
Lori G, you made a excellent point, it is ABUSE what they are doing and you stopped it, good for you!!
Lia, read Natalie’s posts and download her book, it will make you feel better. I don’t know your story – is it posted here? – to make a comment, but I know you are here to read for a reason.
BBP, you got it figured out, there is no fooling you anymore 🙂
Kaylina, Holy is right, you must decide not to talk to him if he makes contacts, you know his stories don’t up, be strong and get rid of him.
As always, NML’s post is spot on. I really thought that my ex-EUM cared about me. Now I know that was only the hot phase. When he started to blow cold, I wondered what I had done wrong. So I tried to “right” it by being understanding, scarce, talking about about the relationship, trying to fix the “problem”, staying away, pressing for more time together and even shutting up. I thought that he was shy, inexperienced with the ladies and afraid of giving his heart to me but in reality, he was just an assclown.
I’ve never been involved with someone who treated me badly, so this was all so new to me. After all, if we loved each other, I would try to make it work. And that was the problem – I was the only one trying. I was the only one in the relationship!
I figured that he wanted to quit the relationship & didn’t have the nuts to say it, so I ended it. He came on strong again, declaring how he loved me and wanted to be with me. This was my second mistake – instead of listening to his words, I should have been guided by his actions. But I so wanted to be with him, so I went back. He then resumed the usual EUM behaviour of disappearing, not calling, being too busy and of course, not committing.
I quit in July. He came back 1 month later and I took him back as I really wanted to believe he was serious this time. He wasn’t. I cut the contact again and looked objectively at the relationship. In 2 months I had seen him 3 times. In all of the 11 months together he took me out twice (and I paid for 1). Never surprised me with lunch or did anything really thoughtful. And THIS is the man that I was giving my time and attention to? Oh no! So I quit, and this is going on 6 weeks now of NC. Of course, he said that he loves me and can’t stop thinking about me. Not to my face of course, but via text and IM – the preferred method of communicating by EUM’s.
I’m in disbelief that I put up with this rubbish for so long and I wonder if he ever laughs at just how silly I was. I will never beg anyone to love me or be with me again. My biggest fear now is that I’ve been sooo burned by this guy that I’m afraid to trust my judgement when it comes to men.
No more shades of grey. A man loves me or he doesn’t. He is available or he isn’t. And that’s that!
Thank you Gaynor and as.
I’ve not posted anything before. I often check this website and read NML’s articles…. it’s like I’ve got the knowledge but not the willpower. ! I haven’t been in contact with him for just over a week now, but even that feels pretty rough.
Your comments are encouraging… thank you.
Cynnie, I could relate so much as to what you were saying, except the “disappearing” acts and “not calling.”
The sad thing is is that I am also scared to trust my judgement in men -resulting in hanging out with a lot of gay men- but we cannot continue this warped thinking or else these idiots are still in control of our emotions and minds. The beginning of healing is recognition of the problem, and acknowledging that we are part of the problem. With the tools we now have we can prevent any of this misery from occurring again.
One question. Do these guys have any idea how destructive and abusive their behavior actually is? Or, are they sadists?
Lia,
I know I was tough but it was coming from a god place.
Please know that the rewards from leaving this guy far outweighs what little you get now.
I do believe you have the willpower but you must believe it yourself. Trust me, you will eventually feel soooooooo much better when you have completely removed him from your life.
It’s up to you!!!
as- I appreciate your feedback… tough love is needed in these situations so don’t worry about being harsh or what is better called honest 🙂 I am not sure as to the extent of my exes EUMness… I can tell you this was a guy who would send me love letters then disappear for 2 days, broke up with me saying I was the woman for him he just needed to sort himself out, then suddenly had this new woman. As for no mind games… like I said we broke up, he would send me photos of us together and say “look how amazing we are…” and now yes he appears just to have moved on but as Astelle pointed out even EUMs can recognize when something is not worth it anymore. I lashed out and made it so that there was no way this guy could come back for any ego boost whatsoever.
Regardless of him being EUM or me just being controlling… I have blamed myself for long enough but know my controlling nature kicked in after he started pulling these odd disappearing acts, there was this sense that I always had to be on guard never knowing what he would do next or when I would see him. It caused me to start planning every moment of the relationship whereas guys I am dating now… I don’t question it or worry I know they will call and they do without me chasing them around.
So whether someone is EUM or whatever I am learning that some people are dependable and honest. I can’t worry anymore about whether it would have been different if I were different, I was not good when with this guy and that might simply be because we were a poor match. The point is, I didn’t recognize that early enough and leave when he pulled some shady behaviours out of his pocket.
Gaynor
I used to wonder if he deliberately set out to hurt me or was so disconnected that it didn’t register how hurtful his actions (or inaction) was. Then I read a post from a reader who said that if a horse kicks you, wheter on purpose or accidentally, it hurts. Same with EUMs
So wheter these men are EUM’s, sadists, clowns, sad or depressed doesn’t matter – not when you’re hurting. I stopped trying to understand and make sense of him weeks ago, which in turn permitted me to leap forward in terms of my healing. I’m 85% there and plodding on – WITHOUT him in life.
Great read! I think this also applies to men and is something that should be focused on 🙂
Thank you for this article it is a great help and thank you to those who commented with encouragement to let it go..
5 months ago I could not for love nor money let him go.. now I’m bored and sick of treating myself badly like Astelle said like a doormat for him to come and wipe his feet on when ever he has the urge to do so.. So I’m done I will be not contacting him. And I seriously doubt he will be in contact with me anytime soon so that is a win win situation… 5 months getting rid of this EUM is much better than the years that rolled on by chasing an even worse EUM….
Cynnie, You’re right! I guess I try to find the logic in every situation, even if it is highly illogical.
Sorry, I just noticed the post from “as” from Nov 27th is actually me, must have typed too fast.
I used to frequent here earlier this year. Haven’t been here in awhile – which is the good news. I had an EUM for about 2 years, but then just got tired of it. Just plain frickin’ exhausted from over analyzing, wondering what he’s up to, and blah blah blah.
So I decided to start rebuilding myself by deciding to join groups/activities I knew I was good at. That helped to rebuild my self-esteem. I also joined one activity/group in which I knew nothing about and hadn’t done before. I walked in there completely faking (fake it until you make it) confidence, and with the idea that these people have fresh eyes on me – they don’t know about my drama/past. I also forced myself out with my friends more and met all kinds of new people.
Then, a couple months ago I met another guy. For 2-3 weeks he was awesome – too good to be true. And that cliche turned out to be true. After about 3 weeks, there was an exceptionally obvious switch in his behaviour which was just like a light had switched off and I picked up on it instantly. He stopped calling, texting, etc. Continued to email a couple times a day, but in the evenings I never heard from him. So next time he asked me out, I said no. I told him I wanted a relationship, and that was that. I have struggled a little, as he still emails a couple times a day… but I’m TIRED of the crap. Oh, and for the record, the previous EUM emails every now and then, and I just delete his email without reading it. I can’t imagine what he could possibly have to say to me at this point. And really don’t care.
Kim, I think you’re probably addicted to drama. You probably don’t know how to function without something to be worried about/over analyze, etc. I am like that but have worked on it. Remember it’s a HABIT, just like smoking, that can be broken – it just takes hard work! Like I said, I struggle everyday to not fall back into my old patterns… everyday. But I’m also trying to be honest with myself – at the end of the day I wasn’t happy with the behaviour of these people. I want someone who is reliable and consistent, and I want to feel secure.
Good luck ladies!
Great article! I think this also applies to men and is something that should be focused on..
GIVING HIM THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT…. i’ve let this assclown (a french one too!) run my heart through the wringer for a year. uh. i’ve gotten so many messages of how much he loves me and how confused he is. if i needed ANYTHING done or needed an item i left at his house from when we lived together…. he’d be there that night. even sick as a dog… you can see how confusing this was. BUT the point is… he’s seeing someone and he aint commiting to ME! so he – ASSCLOWN and i no longer see in shades of grey.
acceptance is hard. its hard to realize he was never “there”
i told him no talking for 6 months. its been 3 weeks and its very hard, but i know!!!!! that NO CONTACT is the ONLY way to do this right and to get myself back. meaning trusting my own judgement and establishing my own boundaries….
uh i am nervous that i won’t get myself to being emotionally available again. i mean i am on the DEFENSE hard core… even if i start to like a guy i can’t stand him! lol