He says: I love you but I’m not in love with you.
Translation: I don’t feel enough for you. You’re not ‘The One’.
I’ve been analysing my feelings for you or how I feel about having a relationship with you. I don’t know how to explain how I feel but I know that I don’t love you enough to want a relationship with you.
I don’t love you in ‘that’ way. I can’t love you in the way that you want to be loved or deserve to be loved.
You hear: He loves me – that’s the main thing. What is being ‘in love’ anyway? I’d rather have him this way than not at all. I know I love him and maybe if I hadn’t done X/Y/Z or been A/B/C, then maybe he would be ‘in love’.
This is an example of being ‘gently’ let down but it’s painful nonetheless and it will feel like a big blow of rejection. He may or may not mean it when he says that he loves you but the key here is to take him at his word because this is a major sign that something is wrong. Just like when someone says that they want to break up with you (and by the way, the ‘I love you but…’ line is a prelude to breaking up even if you don’t), it means that they don’t see potential in the relationship – they don’t believe in you, their feelings for you, or the relationship. They don’t want to try anymore.
The key here is not to fall into the trap of getting hung up on the individual meanings of the words – how much frickin’ analysing and decoding can be done in your relationship? Should you have to burn up brain and emotional energy trying to dissect what someone feels for you or looking for reasons to hang on?
Remember – relationships are not about the ‘in love’ feeling however someone can love you but not want a relationship with you or be inspired to desire a future. We love our family and friends, but we’re not in love with them.
It is important not to get trapped in your feelings or project what you feel and believe that they should give it back – you may be in love, but that doesn’t create an IOU.
People who want to be in a relationship and who have both feet in, don’t burn up energy analysing and questioning their feelings for you. You may have issues but you know that you both feel ‘enough’ and then some to remain committed and work at your relationship and you put in the work with actions.
Remember – everything is contextual. If someone has gone to the trouble of saying this to you, there are other signs that all is not well in the relationship. This should be a jolt to put both of your feet in reality and not allow yourself to be cloaked in illusions.
He says: I don’t want a relationship right now.
Translation: I don’t want a relationship. You’re great/nice/wonderful/whatever but you’re not so great/nice/wonderful/whatever that I want a relationship with you. If this continues, it’s a non-relationship.
You think it’s just a matter of timing and you’re also likely to convince yourself that because you like him and he doesn’t want a relationship ‘right now’ that you mustn’t want one either. In feeling rejected by his reluctance to be in a relationship, you decide to be with him on any terms rather than none.
You hear: He’s not ready to be in a relationship right now because his cats stuck up a tree/one time in bandcamp a woman hurt him/he’s just out of a relationship/he’s busy at work but once he realises how good we can be, he’ll change his mind. He’s just scared. Plus…if I leave now and he changes his mind in the future, I’ll miss out.
There are two primary ways that this line comes about:
1) He has blown hot and faked a future making out that he is looking for a relationship and now that he is expected to deliver on the early activity, he has called a halt to things. He’s misled and now he’s correcting you.
2) You are pushing for a relationship and he’s saying that he can’t give it.
Forget about the now, and focus on the core message of the statement: I.do.not.want.a.relationship.
If you want to be in a relationship, whether it’s with him or as one of your wider goals, when someone tells you that they don’t want a relationship, it is red flag and a sign to opt out, especially if they are expecting you to stick around and play Friends With Benefits or Booty Call.
It’s not wrong to not want to be in a relationship – when someone tells you this, it is giving you the opportunity to decide if this is something that you want to be involved in and if you do stick around, then it means you’re agreeing to the new terms and conditions of the relationship.
He says: I’ve cheated on all of my ex girlfriends.
Translation: I’m telling you right now that I’m a shameless cheat who is very likely to cheat on you in the future.
But by telling you this, he knows you’re going to put in the extra effort in an attempt to prove him wrong and in the meantime, he’ll reap the benefits of it. He’s still gonna cheat on you though although if pressed, he’ll swear blind that he won’t. If you try to leave or voice concerns, he’ll feel out of control and will do his best to convince you to stay…and then he’ll cheat on you anyway.
You hear: None of his exes have been special enough or been able to give him what he needs, but our situation is going to be different.
Character is everything. While we all make mistakes, on hearing this information, you have to take it as a warning from him that he’s not big on being faithful. Now of course, you can judge him on your own relationship and this means that you have to be actions focused instead of just listening to any words he says that may contain big promises and declarations.
But I wouldn’t take a statement like this lightly because it is a major warning sign of his character and his values and if you’re asleep on the job, living in the lala land of illusions, you may miss crucial signs that he he is not appropriate for a relationship or is already edging up to be cheating on you.
Remember – context is everything. If someone’s actions demonstrate that they are not committed to you or the relationship or acting without love, care, trust, and respect, actions speak far louder than words. I’ll be bringing you some more translations which have been inspired by the comments on this subject.
Your thoughts?
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These are brilliant NML – I think you have the beginnings of a whole new book here. ‘Men: Translated’.
Great stuff – keep it coming!!
Great posting NML!
We need to trust our gut to know when to opt out! It will save us a lot of pain for the future.
Though, we should not be so careful all the time, we just have to keep our emortion in check. It means “do not spend too much emortion to the other person and just see things as it is. And do not get overly impressed to the words and action he makes at least in the early stage.” We have to be ready to walk away anytime when things are starting to feel weird and off.
It’s difficlt but it’s important.
This thinking just poped in my head. I was thinking, maybe those AC and EUM are keeping their emortion in check all the time?
Maybe in the most natural way, such as that maybe that is ingrained in their system for their self protection?
So, they can be the total jerk and pull back and run to the opposit direction after we ladies thought we both are bonded and trust have been established?
Maybe that’s the case and the possible explanation we can make for AC and EUM, cuz we are not stupid, we have gut and instinct.
Maybe those guys are looseing their heart for the time being, but never loosing thier head and keeping thier emirtion in check. Hence they can play smart….
Gotitright,
My ex said that he knew how to compartmentalize. I remember his saying that but I did not think that he meant me. Oh, well. Live and learn.
I wish my EU had said such honest things to me at some point. He never ever even hinted he could feel that way! He told me exactly what I wanted to hear. I’m pretty sensitive about rejection, so if a guy said “I love you but I’m not IN love with you”, I would be humiliated and go running!
Yes, these phrases are very honest red flags coming from a man, and should be heeded. Count your blessings that he warned you!
hi July,
you are right. someone that i still care so much about said, ‘i care about you, but i’m not in love with you.’ the article is right about what i was reading, i was wrong. i stayed away from him, felt very hurt, but down deep inside me i still kept hopes. and that is not good. despite i started dating other people, i’m still work in progress at trying to move on. it’s not easy, but i am going to do it.
it’s true, it’s an honest sentence if he/she decides to say that to you. perhaps because they truly do not want to hurt you. maybe it is a more sensitive way of saying, this is it for me.
thank you for posting this article!
yes always remember,
“i don’t want to be in a relationship”
really means
“I don’t want to be in a relationship WITH YOU”
Does it always mean “with you”? What if you are just beginning to talk to a guy and he says he “avoids relationships” and “never gets into relationships”? I am just thinking if he says it right off the bat before he even knows you well, it can’t be anything that YOU are doing wrong, not good enough, etc…?
Lissa,
It means they can’t with anyone. They don’t want or need a relationship, now or in the future.
If someone is telling you this, they’re doing you a favor. There’s no ambiguity in this situation.
Funny how these men seem to be the same the world over. Do they all go to assclown school or something to learn these lines ? 🙂 I got fed “the lines” too :
“You could have someone so much better than me”
“I can’t believe someone like you is with me”
“Where have you been all my life ?”
“I cheated on my last girlfriend with the girlfriend before that because I was going through a crazy time” (poor baby)
“I’m just a simple guy, don’t expect more from me than I’m capable of” (yep, he actually said this)
“I have issues with committment” (serious red flag)
“You give women an inch, and they take a mile”
“I would kill myself trying to make you happy” (yep, probably, respect is not in your vocab)
Have been NC for a few months now.
You’re right NML, when we’re given information ie: I’ve always cheated, I don’t want to be in a relationship etc etc its up to us to decide what to do with the information. If we stay and get hurt whom do we have to blame. At some point we have to be responsible for what happens to us. I know from my own experience when I thought I’d be the exception and wasn’t. Every red flag was flying but I chose yes I chose to stay and got hurt. His fault, maybe maybe not but I’m done blaming him and choose to spend my time working on my own life. I can’t change what happened but I can change what I’ll do next time.
Thanks NML….great post again!
Question: What if they say “they don’t know how they feel right now….at least not anything they can commit to”…
If I take the obvious meaning in this case, then am I to believe that it is not so much “you” that they don’t want, it is just that at this moment in time they cannot be committed and are confused in general? Or is this just taking the easy way out (and trying not to hurt your feelings) and saying they are not interested and never will be?
This was said by my ex (as well as telling me for the last time (he said it daily for the first 3 years) that he loved me just a month before this). I guess I am wondering if it ever could be just that a guy is confused and needs some space/time alone to figure out the answers. Or is it cut and dry? He fell out of love/found someone else/never loved me to begin with and just wanted out?
I am not holding out hope for him or even wanting him back at this point….I am hoping to get clear on this so I won’t make the same mistakes again and I’ll know what to look for.
Thank you.
TJ
30 days strict N/C!! YAY!!!!
TJ
It’s a way of keeping you in Ambiguity Land.
If he tells you he doesn’t have feelings for you, then he loses you. If he tells you that he loves you, then he has to step up to the plate and follow through on his words. By remaining in (AL) he doesn’t have to do anything, but reaps the benefits.
Thanks Gayle,
I did think at the time that he was perhaps trying to put me “on ice” so to speak, or keep the door open. Perhaps see what’s out there, date others and then if it didn’t work out I could be his fallback girl. I did end up slamming the door shut though because I was tired of the disrespect and ambiguity. I finally realized I deserved more.
Ladies, we ALL deserve more! If a man sounds at all “flakey” and is inconsistent….move on!!! Run from him. I wish I would have sooner.
TJ
This post reminds me of the following quote:
“A man who doesn’t want you right now is not the man for you right now” -Marianne Williamson
Kate,
Loved it!!! Thanks.
TJ
Ah what wonderful timing – last night I got “this will never work, the age gap is too big and I’m not well for you”. This after a whirl wind year of being wined and dined and romanced and taken on amazing holidays. Then off with the hot switch and on with the freezing cold. The dumb part is I know he’s doing it so I leave on my terms and he gets off blame free – and part of me wants to stay just to make him actually do the hard part! But no here I sit, 2 hours into NC, an aching heart and all dreams of the future shattered. But also feeling so angry with myself for having fallen hook line and sinker into this – I didn’t see those red flags. More fool me. Next time I will really listen to what they say.
I can understand you wanting to put him through the hard part of forcing him to break up with you, but it is far better to be the one to walk away! When HE leaves YOU and does NC, even if you wanted/needed it, it still cuts like a knife and does a number on the esteem. Many times they will just start screwing a different girl, hoping to get caught, which is even worse than you breaking things off sooner.
Why sacrifice yourself for “teaching him a lesson”? You are doing the right thing Amanda 🙂 A great start to a better life.
Thank you Juli – I need all the strength & encouragement I can get at the moment. Wow this is hard – I don’t know what’s worse, the broken heart, the anger at myself for getting into this mess or the knowing that his life is going along it’s merry way, most probably with a big old sigh of relief.
hello Amanda,
i agree with Juli, after all this time, i hope at this moment you see this point of your life as a learning experience. it is very difficult. i’m going through something similar right now. and someone else said above, when i heard that, and because i’m very proud, i couldn’t believe it. i have learned with time to accept, to accept that he decided to turn the page, and i having nothing else but to do the same.
greetings!
It is so easy to see more in what they say. When mine told me about how he had cheated on his girlfriends before, one on his stag do! I wasn’t too impressed but have to admit that I was also thinking how he must care to tell me this and how he mustn’t have found the right one yet…… How did I get so caught up in it all!!!! Thank goodness for this site.
I could never get my head around why he would panic and keep coming back to me when I did NC and tried to move on, blowing hot and then putting me on ice when I gave in again……Probably because he could and wanted all of his ‘options’ available!
He still tries now, but I think he realizes the door is firmly closed now.
I ran from my ex about 6 times or more and he still managed to convince me to come back and other times I was just a glutten for punishment………………
I KNEW from the start that he was bad news, I told him so. But he managed to turn it right round on me and said that he would give me everything I wanted if I went along with it for some time. To this day he still denys that a fool/falback girl/ etc… is how he thought of me. Its amasing that theres nothing left and he STILL says that he loved me and that if I just done what he wanted I would of been ‘good enough’ to be his girl. Its like if at the end the last time we spoke if he’d admitted through out the ‘attempt’ to get at me that he was chatting shizzle then I would of actually felt so much better. And slapped and dispaeared on my merry way lol Instead I had to just keep being strong and even mess him around a bit. Then cut contact. FOREVER.
how about the line:
“as long as you get a text every morning, you dont have to worry”
This was an aswer to my question: how do you feel about us? After so many mixsignals received I had to ask this (now redundant) question. Well the day of me not receivng a text came and I just knew what I was dealing with. sigh.
So, its almost as if you have to read between the lines at all times in the beggining.
Yes the “I love you but I am not in love with you.” definitely translates to “you are fun to spend time with and I have thought about it and you are not ‘the one’….”
However what does he do? Is he still calling or contacting you, does he still talk about you all the time to his friends, does he still plan a future with you, does he still behave in all ways bar one (totally professing you are his in all situations)? If this is the case, according to a wonderful dating counselor I know (who is male) – perhaps he is trying to sort himself out and position himself for being able to offer more… Then you need to decide how long you are prepared to wait. [In the meantime, get on with your life anyway.]
Food for thought… what do you thinK?
.-= Cathy J´s last blog ..How to Amp Up Your Inner Hottie =-.
One month before I hit the NC, my AC/EUM and I we were discussing a holiday. He was finally going to fly over after 3 failed attempts in the past (instead of always me doin the travelling). He was adamant that THIS time he was going to follow through. I got excited and together we planned what we would do, see, and where we’d go. It was more than he ever gave me in the past…I imagined a real “commitment”. Then I didn’t hear from him for a month and so just texted “Hi, how’s things. Whatcha been doin?” and suddenly I received an annoyed defensive reply. So I responded that it was an innocent query and thought his reply was odd given the situation. I THEN got an apologetic reply stating that he knew we had discussed a holiday together and it would be fun but he needed more TIME (I hadn’t even brought up the subject of the holiday!). THAT’S when I decided to give him all the time he ever needed…just not with me…ever…AGAIN. I waited 10 years for something more and although at times the crumbs did seem to grow and increase, it was still 10 years TOO LONG. And I clearly remember a time being fed the same lines as Kate mentioned: “You could have someone so much better than me”, “I can’t believe someone like you is with me” and he “wanted to love me”. And he DID profess his exclusivity to me and even discussed a future. Fact remains…he always was and will be just an EUM/AC. Only difference is, my blinkers are finally off.
Cathy J, your dating counsellor is a male…’nuff said.
Ah the holiday – I actually got mine and it was amazing. Everything that I dreamed it would be, so much anticipation, so much planning, and it was perfect in every way. I did say to him at one stage “what happens after this” – should have listened to his silence. What a difference a month makes hey? 3 days NC and so very tired.
I did go on a hoiday as well and it was the best vacation I had ever had! Before we boarded the plane I started feeling so emotional and started crying. I couldn’t even explain why! when we came back I came down alittle and was able to formulate my thoughts-
I couldn’t bear the thought of going to our separate houses, I really wanted to stay with him forever. Should be a happy moment, right? But no, I was crying. I was devasated. When I told him that all I got was silence. A week later we were broken up! He startd behaving like the worst assclown you could ever meet! When I started getting mad a him for his behavior, he acually said – ‘I don’t know about this relationship’. ‘I don’t see us getting maried and having babies’ ‘ I guess I was wrong when I said I love you’ ‘The feeling is just not strong enough’ ‘Maybe I’m too volatile’ ‘But I really like you and Ilike spending time with you’ – these are all for your dictionary, natalie. That was the end of it. I was happy I could walk away and not be with an assclown. no contact. no regrets. no more crying.
In my experience, this line often comes from the same man with whom we play Florence Nightingale. After he is done healing – with our help, so to speak – from whatever his problem was, he wants to move on and start anew with someone who doesn’t know his back history.
@Maria
So true. After we have helped them they want to move onto someone else who doesn’t know their history and BOOM! Its the same bull crap just a different chapter. These men are not capable of committing at all so they run from women to women and before you know it they are going around the same mountain. They start out nice before you even have a chance to discover the real facades;start bringing up anything that breaths the word committment; they are halfway already out the door. I don’t think my any of my ass clown ex’s ex girlfriends had anything to do with our breakup. It was clear that he never really got over that Bitch (this was his ex wife and that is what he always referred to her as. He had never really gotten over her from their first marriage;now divorced; while she has moved on with another man and had 2 additional kids in addition to the 2 she had with him. Can you imagine how many women he’s going to continue to shag and fall back on all in hopes of trying to get over his ex wife. Its only just begun but thank God I am out!!
He says: I’ve cheated on all of my ex girlfriends.
Translation: I’m telling you right now that I’m a shameless cheat who is very likely to cheat on you in the future.
Oooooh I don’t know what to think. Have been seeing a guy for about 4 weeks now. I was very standoffish to start, as I have met my fair share of assclowns and UEM. I kept waiting for the warning signs that he was one of them. They haven’t come! Just beginning to think he really is one of the good guys. He calls when he says he will, doesn’t cancel, respects my need for independence, is very open and honest (well, I think it’s the truth!!).
BUT he has admitted to cheating in a long term relationship, in his early 20s. Has been very open about it, said he was young and stupid, an idiot with an ego. Says he would never do it now and that he is totally ready to settle down. He is very close to family and wonderful with his nephew. Openly talks about wanting kids in a few years.
Now I was no saint either, I foolishly married young when I knew it wasn’t what I wanted, I was miserable, and ended up cheating. I left after 2 years of marriage. Shouldn’t the ‘once a cheater always a cheater’ saying also apply to me!?
I’m really perplexed. People can change, surely? Having been a reader and big fan of this site for the last year, I felt equipped going into this with tools to pick up on red signals and keep my eyes open. And keep my identity! What if he really is an assclown with a damn good disguise!?! How do I know??
Thanks so much for this post today! Have been really struggling with getting over a guy (who I really don’t think is an AC) who told me a few months ago that ‘he did not want a long distance relationship’ (we live in different states, and have since we met and started talking /seeing each other). It is just very sad to realize that really means he does not want a relationship with me right now (of course he left the door open for later). I have had bouts of NC then back-slid and called or emailed him. Am about to try NC again b/c that is really the only way to move on. Hard part is that he is the greatest/most amazing guy I’ve ever dated….but if does not want it then it does not matter, right?
He says: I don’t want a relationship right now.
Yep, just got fed that one. Forged ahead anyway. Dumb, I know.
He says: I love you but I’m not in love with you.
Translation: I don’t feel enough for you. You’re not ‘The One’
His word exactly. I was not ready to walk away and did everything you said I would do. Now I know better I do better – wish I would have understood and accepted that then but I wouldn’t be who I am today. Some things I swear you just have to experience to learn from. Hard headed. Excellent post – painful lesson but excellent post.
Great post again Natalie. Addressing theses “lines” are so important because many of us use them as fuel to keep something that does not exist going. “I can’t be in a relationship right now” I know you have said not to focus on the right now. It took me a while to recognize that I needed to be aware of “right now” because that is all I have …..there are no gurantees about tomorrow. So basically he was telling me that what I have now he does not want…but instead I heard “there is hope for the future.” Wow…..was I challenged. I am grateful that I got out of this situation before any further damage.
Thank you again
Michelle I was a cheater once but I don’t annouce it to the man im with now. Yes it is NOT once a cheater always a cheater. The diff here is that he is telling you it from the get go so the bar is set VERY low.
I am very faithful to the man in my life because he treats me with love and respect and I am not trapped in the relationship. Cheating has not even entered my mind.
well everyone is allowed a mistake I guess…and it depends how you read it, it could be he’s being very open and honest – that’s the positive spin OR it could be a great big red flag. I would ask him why his previous relationships haven’t worked out for starters. If there’s anything dodgy in there walk.
You wouldnt believe some of the stuff I was told and I honestly thought, what the hell, we have fun – I’d give it a chance, at least I know what he’s like!
Yes I do, a liar, a cheat, a bullshitter, walked out on his kids that he says he loves..twice, looking to mooch money given the chance. What a catch?
.-= Eve´s last blog ..Men Translated =-.
My ex-EUM said, “You’re too much woman for me, I’m not enough man for you.” Why on earth did I not believe him?
Whew! I’ve heard all of these and jumped out of the nearest window! LOL The last ex-asswipe AC told me that he thought I was great, I was a self-made woman, “he’d bring me down”, blah,blah,blah and I ran to the nearest exit licking my wounds on thinking that he could give me what I want.
Thank you again NML for the wonderful insight.
Sherry
I read this and I feel so stupid and sad that I wasn’t smart enough to leave when I heard these exact words. I’m a smart woman, what happened to my brain when this was happening to me? Now that I know, I won’t forget and I will find out within myself why I put up with accepting so little from a man I loved so much. Thank you for opening my eyes and putting me on the right path. PH
Girl, you are BAD (in a good way)!!!!! I’m glad to have stumbled on this site!! I think it will change my life forever.
Keep up the good work, as this is your calling.
Love this post. Mostly becuase this just happened to me. He said the exact words of i love you but i am not in love with you, i am not sure if you are the one. My question is, was he ever really in love? Did he ever really think i was the one. or was it all lies. Did he get scared of committment and want out, or was it never true.
EAK,
If it helps, it probably was “true”. Just not “true” enough! And, whatever it was, it has run its course. Stop focussing on him and what he thought / felt… everytime you find yourself thinking bout what he though/felt/feels/might feel… STOP and swith your thoughts back to YOU! Think about how it wasn’t working, how unhappy you were, what YOU want and what you are NOT getting from him. I find that helps me… thinking of thm is a waste of your time and is not doing YOU any good. And right now you need to care about YOU not about HIM.
Take care… take the advice here from NML and others – it’s good advice. This guy is not fretting over you! He is already looking for what he wants somewhere else. Let him. Tell yourself good things about yourself as often as you can every day.
xx
Mine was always along the lines of “I can’t offer you any more right now”. Natalie is spot on: I only heard the “right now” part and clung to it for dear life. But it really annoys me that they do this, they always have the disclaimer, don’t they? That whih we see as the “qualifying” statement (“right now”, “just now”, “I wil, I just don;t know when… I have heard them all!)
Why can they just not say “I can’t offer you any more” Full bloody stop.
But even if he did, I have to admit that I would come up with the “right now” all by myself anyway!! It is very hard to invest so much for so long not to see any return on your investment; it’s like, all that bloody misery for nothing! All that time.. and for nothing!
Now thoug, I finally hear what he is saying. Loud and clear. Thanks Natalie. I am miserable! But thanks.
I have been with my husband 27yrs he has had 2 affairs.After filing and moving out after affair #2 for 6months i allowd him to yo-yo me in and out and finally he says i love you but not in love with you.We have known each other 34yrs grew up together how could all those yrs.and history just go away in 6months? But i deserve to be treated with respect and i have always been committed to our marriage and put his needs ahead of mine.Now its my turn to live for me and i only hope i will be able to love again
ok with the disclaimer