One of the most infuriating things about realising that you have been involved with someone where the signs were there that there were issues, red flags, or that the relationship couldn’t work is feeling like you dropped the ball. You wonder how a woman who considers herself intelligent and may have one or several degrees, or run a successful business, or be doing very well on her chosen career path, or be a good judge of character with ‘other people’, can be caught out by a man or ‘love’.
You think to yourself ‘There’s no way in hell I’d put up with this crap from friends, family, or colleagues!’ and then muse that men and love are ‘different’.
You think ‘I’m in charge of people at work and so organised and in control of other areas of my life – why the hell can’t I get it together with my private life?’ And then muse that it’s because it’s love why it’s not in control.
Here’s the thing: Being intelligent is not the same as emotional intelligence or being relationship smart. The fact that you are intelligent only means a lot to the context of a relationship if you actually apply some of these skills to your relationships.
The reason why the disconnect can exist between general intelligence and relationships is because we make up different rules for relationships, we think ‘love’ requires exceptions to what we’d do under ordinary circumstances, and we don’t live congruent with our values across all areas of our lives.
That and there are plenty of people who are very intelligent or even moderately intelligent but they don’t have common sense…. If you’ve seen people who seem super clever but do the oddest things that defy logic at times – that’s how a lot of people are about their relationships. In fact, lots of people believe that love doesn’t need logic.
What you’ll realise as you shed old habits is that actually, if you do have values and boundaries, love will follow logic and not have you sacking off yourself or doing crazy stuff to maintain ‘the dream’. And I should add, it’s not just women who experience this – I spoke to a man recently whose whole distrust of himself and women is based on the fact that he made exceptions for someone who betrayed and made a fool out of him.
“I credit myself with a lot more intelligence and yet, I discovered that she was unbelievably sneaky and it galls me. Even when I was finding out about her schemes, I wanted to see the best in her.”
So what does this guy do now? He thinks he’s taking the intelligent approach by not only being risk averse but by setting ‘little tests’ for the women to see if they’ll get shady on him and nip the bait. Sadly, if you feel the need to set tests, you’re already in No Mans Trust Land, which isn’t that clever really as you’re creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.
If tomorrow, you make an error at work or drop something at home – the likelihood is that you’re not going to decide to never ever do that work task again or go in the house/do the same thing. Common sense and your own smarts suggests that you learn from the mistake and adapt what you did to minimise the possibility or outright avoid the mistake happening again.
Being relationship smart means that at times you’ll make mistakes and errors in judgement and you may do stuff that is counterproductive to your own relationship success, but in having a level of awareness and consciousness about yourself and your interactions, you adapt your behaviour and learn from it rather than repeating it and hoping it’ll work itself out without you getting uncomfortable.
Being smart at anything means that you have to get uncomfortable.
What do you need to be relationship smart?
1. Self-love and a reasonable level of self-esteem.
Recognise that true unconditional love starts with yourself and you cannot love or be loved, if you don’t like and love you.
2. Boundaries – knowing your limits.
Recognise that all relationships require boundaries and that we ourselves require limits, which in itself protects us from dangerous situations.
3. Awareness of the importance of values and your beliefs.
Recognise that you need to know who you are and what you need to live authentically but you also need to be understand your beliefs because what we believe is reflected in our actions which inadvertently impacts on living with our values.
4. Communication but also a willingness to recognise that we don’t all communicate in the same way.
Recognise that while you need to be willing to communicate, that you also need to recognise when you need to tell your message differently to make it clearer.
5. Eyes and ears open – not illusions or hearing but not listening.
Recognise that there is very little that we can do in life with our eyes and ears closed – when we do, we live unconsciously sleep walking through life waking up in bad situations.
6. Action and application – willingness to get out of being stuck rather than engage in relationship insanity.
Recognise that not only do actions speak louder than words but that we must not rely on others to change for our happiness and be willing to adapt and apply ourselves.
7. Ability to emotionally connect (real intimacy) combined with empathy.
Recognise that real intimacy and real connections come with opening ourselves up emotionally, not withholding ourselves and that we also need to be able to place ourselves in others shoes, but without getting lost in them or trying to wear them.
8. Acceptance that conflict can and will arise.
Recognise that it’s wholly unrealistic to avoid conflict as you will habitually compromise yourself and your values – NO is not a dirty word.
9. A reasonable level of trust both in yourself and in others.
Recognise that you need to have a core baseline of trust and you use signals learned from listening and watching to increase or decrease trust and make assessments of the situation – that’s trusting yourself and having faith in how others will act, but adjusting when they don’t match up.
10. Respect, for others but also for yourself.
Recognise that if you don’t respect yourself you will invite disrespect but that also through remembering the importance of respect, you will accept people as they are and respect their differences, even if it signals the end.
Apply these life skills that can actually be quickly learned and you can change yourself and your experiences. I will be writing some more posts on being relationship smart. Any questions…drop them in the comment box or use the contact page.
Your thoughts?
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OMG,THIS IS SOMETHING I’M DEALING WITH IN THERAPY NOW!i TOLD MY THERAPIST HOW I WAS FEELING FOOLISH FOR NOT DOING SOMETHING ABOUT MY ASS CLOWN SOONER.I MEAN ONE MONTH AFTER US DATING,I WOKE UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND HE WAS GONE!!hE SAID HE LOCKED HIMSELF OUT WHILE I WAS SLEEP,BUT DIDNT CALL MY CELL TO GET LET BACK IN.THEN I WENT ON FOR ANOTHER TWO YEARS FOR HIM TO CHEAT THE WHOLE TIME!UGH,NAKED WOMEN PICS. ON HIS PHONE,WHY DID I STAY?! AS THE TOPIC SAY’S I AM USUALLY STRONG,IN NO WAY WOULD I TOLERATE IF FROM A MAN,BUT I DID! I FINALLY “DETACHED” MYSELF EMOTIONALLY,AND MOURNED THE FANTASY,AND ACCEPTED THE LYING CHEAT FOR WHO HE WAS,AND YOU KNOW WHAT,LIFE’S NOT SO BAD,WITHOUT HAVING TO WORRY WHERE HE IS ,AND IF HE’S CHEATING,THANK’S NATALIE!! YOU ARE A HEAVEN SENT!!
OMG, this is so so so so true. I still have to practice #10. I’m seen as a totally “nice” person, which is great and all, but i still have to remember to enforce my boundaries, identify the red flags AND trust my instincts. After all, being nice doesn’t mean being a doormat that people can trample all over!
Excellent advice. I thought I cared for myself enough having me time etc but deep down I would put other peoples feelings above my own at times. Nobody was ever there to consider how I felt….. but why should they if I didn’t!
“Being intelligent is not the same as emotional intelligence or being relationship smart.”
As someone with two advanced degrees, I can certainly relate to this article. Just because I may have common sense in the academia and job departments, does not always translate to relationship smarts.
I’ve been abiding by the NC rule now for 5 months (round 2), but I’m still learning how to love myself as well as learning how to strengthen my self-esteem and confidence before I get involved in another relationship. I also need to do a better job of communicating in future relationship(s) that we are both on the same page in terms of where the relationship is headed before I involve my heart.
At almost 32 the whole boundaries thing is still quite the learning curve for me. I grew up in an environment where I basically had no voice, in fact speaking up was pretty dangerous. So I learned to “take it” whatever it was and blame myself for anything that went badly. Entering into any relationship friendship or romantic has always been difficult for me, because I put up with all sorts of things I shouldn’t and most of the time I am not even aware that my boundaries are being crossed because I never had any to start with. And on top of that I fear abandonment so I pour my heart and soul into my relationships your wish is my command. All of this sets up a terribly unbalanced manner of relating to people, and inevitably I become drained and let people take advantage of me – either after years and years I give up and runaway blaming myself or the other person gets bored with me.
I think I am finally transitioning to point where I not only recognize the patterns but break them as well. To top things off, I have a stress disorder which makes all of these things take on monumental proportions.
A stress disorder makes this a very difficult situation to work through on your own. Seek a good therapist and work out all these issues with him/her. I am in my 60s with major anxiety/depression syndrome and without medication and therapy would have not been able to do it. Brava to you for tackling these issues. And give yourself time to change your behavior — your have almost a lifetime of not behaving in your own best self interest. Isn’t this wonderful website.
Thank for the kind words. I am currently in therapy learning to work through my issues, I am grateful for my therapist whom I see weekly and I can see the progress. From sucidal to hopeful, from fearing people and relationship while longing for them to working through them and learning how to set boundaries, understanding myself.
This website is a big help in many ways thank you Natalie.
Natalie… I think I’ve read every article you’ve written on this site! And this one really hits home because these are the words that came out of my mouth on my first therapist’s visit 4 months ago. I literally could not figure out how me… an intelligent, strong, beautiful woman got “played” yet again by my 3rd, actually 4th, EUM. I couldn’t connect the fact that my abandonment in childhood had such a deep effect on my emotional well being that even my “smarts” couldn’t save me from longing to be loved by the most inappropriate partners. I couldn’t see the forest for the trees. Finally having my ENOUGH moment I signed up for therapy and at the same time found this site. You have been a godsend… thank you. I’m finally learning to be happy all on my own and I just keep getting stronger. Learning to truly love yourself is not easy when you are used to negative beliefs but leaving bad relationships is the first step to self love.
I was on a date the other night and as the ‘assclown’ in front of me was emerging, I was silently replaying phrases from various posts I have memorised from here. It became an interesting ‘internal’ dialogue, that was all that was interesting about the date, ‘ME’. I think I am now suitably reprogrammed and transformed into an assclown free-zone. I let this one pay for dinner, then mentally shouted ‘NEXT please’.
Thanks Natalie, and I really do know many of the posts ‘off by heart’ its the only way out. XX
Scholastic intelligence does not translate to emotional intelligence but I like to think my intellect helps me understand and thus work out things I bring on that cause me grief.
Abandonment and other difficult childhood issues can be a blow to the healthy emotional development of our EQ, and yet, due to our strong IQ’s..here we are… smart enough to know something is wrong and smart enough to know we need to work to learn, to find answers, to get healthier.
I’m always grateful for what I was given to work with and know it’s up to me.. to do me justice, with that intellect. Thanks NML and thanks everyone here for sharing what you know.
Yes, book smarts do not automatically equal relationship/emotional intelligence. Great food for thought.
Why can’t our hearts be on the same page as our brains. I consider myself smart, funny, attractive, keep up with current events, have a great job, wonderful family/friends but when it comes to affairs of the heart its like I’m a different person. That person certainly doesn’t know the one everyone else sees.
#8 ….No is not a dirty word.
#10….accept people as they are and respect their differences, even if it signals the end.
Love it, hope to live it
Natalie,
I think I’m the poster child for the above. No skills when it comes to intelligence in the relationship department! This was my first EUM, mind you, but he got me good. I had been him seeing for close to three years, he was in the process of separation when we met, and I then ended it, because we had not moved forward one bit. First, there was the pending divorce, the children’s adjustment, the ex’s feelings… all of which was fine. But then he somehow pulled back and our wonderful beginning stalled. No commitment, no more children, he stopped coming to my apartment after his ex complained, and he never introduced me to his kids (this one hurts the most). And all the while, I was trying to chin up and moving along (with a growing resentment obviously). Writing this, I am thinking that living at the fringes of somebody’s life is the most idiotic choice I ever could make. But the voice of doubt is oftentimes creeping in; why could we not work out? We work together, so this is slowing down my process of healing although I’ve been pretty good at NC these past few months. But I have yet to understand how an otherwise rational human being can go off the deep end and continue to hope despite the lack of any foundation. Any thoughts?
Thanks for your site, it is a godsend.
Great post, I definitely agree! 🙂
‘love’ requires exceptions to what we’d do under ordinary circumstances, and we don’t live congruent with our values across all areas of our lives.’ I think this statement says it all. We have this happily-ever-after fantasy everytime we meet a guy we think could be the ‘one’. Little girl fairy tale fantasies definitely plant the idea that love relationships are special and different and outside the norms of ordinary relationships with other people. Mr Right will automatically click with us, understand our deepest feelings and be on the same page with us 24/7. When you subconsciously think like that, you are not living by your values or your intellect.
Where to begin. I am the other woman in an affair which has been going on emotionally for 2 years and physically for 18 months. I read all the comments on this and other websites and I feel so sad. I rarely if ever hear a single woman comment that the ‘situation’ or ‘relationship’ (yes I know that’s a stretch) had any redeeming moments. I have many issues similar to the ones women have stated above; however I have grown up in this relationship and have found a side to myself I had long ago lost touch with. Let me explain.
I started off insecure, jealous, possesive, needy, emotionally unbalanced, aggressive to the point of pushing, and often found myself crying or arguing with him. What a turn-off in ANY situation! (But an affair can make even the most secure woman feel off-balanced. You really have almost no footing!) I have really grown up in this affair. With his patience, advanced communication skills, his understanding combined with an unwillingness to allow me to create unnecessary drama, I began to see what turns men on and off. I began to find my own sexual strength. I stopped crying. I stopped the pointless jealousy. I learned to trust him despite the fact that we BOTH had been cheating on our spouses and therefore proved ourselves untrustworthy. I refused to make demands, or to push, or to argue and simply let him take the lead. It was freeing and sexy and left me relaxed and glowing.
Why do women have to be so bitter and angry with themselves and the man? Why can’t we enjoy the sex and the friendship? Why can’t we revel in the attention? Why not admit we needed the connection and the bond or we wouldn’t have been so easily charmed. Did the affair cause you to lose weight? To dress more sexy? Do your nails? Get a tan and begin eating more healthy? I dunno….I just began to pamper and treat myself a bit more rather than giving to everyone but myself. I did feel bad for his wife, believe it or not, which is why I would never reveal him. I often asked him to make all attempts to treat her better and work on regaining the friendship and communcation he had lost, but after 30 years, he just wasn’t as interested in her nor she in him. I didn’t see it as a reason to divorce and ruin their financial success let alone thier lives with their kids.
Hmmm, yes maybe I am justifying, but all I’m saying is it hasn’t been all bad. Many people around me say I glow or I radiate happiness. I haven’t lied to myself about where this will go. Maybe this is why I don’t feel bitter. Yes I don’t get a lot of his attention. I just try to enjoy the limited time I have with him and not expect too much or fall too deep in love (with the fantasy of some kind of future we will never share!).
Elizabeth
I see this differently. You naturally wanted him to yourself and were not comfortable with being TOW but with his “advanced communication skills” (for which I read “manipulation”) he has persuaded you to provide fantastic sex at his convenience. I suppose fantastic sex would give you a “glow” but I’m not sure how sustainable this mutual cheating is longterm.
And don’t your respective spouses have a say?
I have been in a similar situation before – ie two partners cheating – and I think what snapped me out of it was that I suddenly thought of how everyone deserves dignity in life, and honesty is a precursor to dignity. I realised my then partner deserved some dignity and freedom of choice. Then I happened to read an academic article about how raping someone while they’re asleep is still non-consensual harm. This may sound a bit extreme, but it made me realise that causing harm to another was still harm even if they didn’t know they were being harmed. As this post suggests, these things, these matters of the heart, are still social, still subject to social rules and the intelligent placement of boundaries and, call me old-fashioned, some expression of character. I know I felt far better, regardless of my physical beauty, when my inner thoughts, words and actions could match up again.
Elizabeth,
I think many women in your situation think they are not revealing the cheater to his wife for all kinds of “honourable” reasons, but I don’t buy it – sorry. It’s the ‘eyes and ears open’ problem that NML is talking about in her blog here. It’s important not only to see his motives for what they are through all the fog you both create; it’s important not to make excuses for him, but it’s perhaps more crucial not to make excuses for yourself and not to kid yourself on about your own motives – to be self aware and fully self-conscious as NML says here.
I have been in your position, of sorts, so I know where you’re coming from. But don’t you think it’s just more like the the ‘any excuse will do’ scenario. Yet is it not, in reality, a case of trying to defend the indefensible; justify the unjustifiable? Re NML’s blog, intelligent people may actually be very good at doing this – they can argue their way round anything – they can square any circle – any hat can be adjusted to fit.
Perhaps less intelligent people just get on with it; I’m not sure.
You could perhaps consider the possibility that the reason you don’t ‘reveal him’ is because it would end the relationship and you don’t want it to end, so you cover for him. It serves your purposes and his, for now. You may not want it to end, he may not want it to end, but you can bet your breeches that if she finds out about it – she will want it to end! And at that point, so will he.
Perhaps intelligent people are so busy doing their mental gymnastics around the problem that they fail to see the simple fact of the matter. These affairs last only just as long as it takes for the wife to find out. It is that simple.And if you don’t believe me – perhaps take NML’s advice: Suck and see?!!