Imagine if you stood on the edge of the pavement (sidewalk) on a busy road. Instead of waiting till it is clear, you purposefully step out as a speeding car approaches. It hits you, but you survive. Now imagine doing this repeatedly and surviving. Yes you’d survive but you’d have surface wounds as well as untold damage internally and it would affect you emotionally, no matter how much you think you’d ‘healed’.
Now we all know that it would be beyond ridiculous to literally throw ourselves in harm’s way repeatedly…so why would we do the relationship equivalent with Mr Unavailables and assclowns?
Why do we, as women, repeatedly throw ourselves at bad relationships and then wonder why it hurts?
There is no denying the lure of some of these men or how because of your involvement with them, it confuses your logic, but at some point, you have recognised how unhealthy these relationships and these men are, yet you actively seek to be with them.
I’ve felt what I in my mind translated as a gravitational pull to some guys in my past. The logic and reality of who they were and what they had done, said lock my door and batten the hatches instead of going to them, but instead I was caught in a damaging cycle that I at first felt powerless to avoid.
Hope made me want to believe they were different.
Fantasy and the lure of potential that I saw in them, that they were actually incapable of delivering meant that each time the ‘game’ started, I was waaaay down the track thinking about all the things we’d be doing together.
Fear of getting it wrong, of turning my back on them and them actually changing, plus fears of seeing my own actions for what they were, would send me hurtling to the distractions that these men provided.
Lack of self-love meant that rather than having a healthy base in me that would recognise inappropriate situations that would detract from me, I was instead looking for love in all the wrong places and looking for men to feel something about me that I didn’t even feel about myself!
When I found myself reflecting on my relationships a few years back, it suddenly occurred to me that as well as being the only recurring character in my soap opera, I was repeatedly engaging in similar situations that yielded the same result.
This is no different for many other women who experience the same issues.
If you keep going back to the married or attached guy and he remains married or attached, it’s because the situation isn’t changing and he is still married and attached.
If you break No Contact and start texting, emailing, calling, or sleeping with him, only to find that things quickly slip back to the ‘old pattern’, that’s because he hasn’t changed, what he has to offer hasn’t changed, and the relationship is still the same. It’s not the ‘old’ way; it’s the way that your relationship is going to be if you keep putting your hand in the fire and staying there.
If you agree to take him back because he says he’s changed for the umpteenth time, only to find that the house hunting comes to a halt, or the engagement ring never materialises, or he suddenly has a whole load of obstacles that are ‘preventing’ him from following through, it’s because nothing has actually changed…and…he’s full of sh*t.
Ultimately if you have to keep going back and keep hoping, and keep this and keep that, it’s a signal to you that really, the final curtain on your relationship needs to close.
What I do know now after more involvement with assclowns and Mr Unavailables than I care to remember and the countless experiences of thousands of readers is this:
You can only dine off hope for so long. I’m all for optimism, but at some point, you need to start living, being, and existing rather than skipping in Never-Never- Land.
Fantasy and potential is the hallmark of a doomed relationship because you’re never in the present, you’re either stuck in the past remembering how he was for a short time, or betting on potential that doesn’t exist and romanticising a future based on hot air. You need to realise that the man you see in front of you is who the man is.
Fear derails relationships and creates distrust, drama, and a whole host of problems. Whether it’s internal fears that you allow to cloud your judgement or impact on whether you stay in a relationship, or choosing relationships that are negative and that create external fears which exacerbate your internal fears, powering your relationship on fear is damaging. If I had spent more time addressing my internal fears or registering real external behaviour that was inappropriate and doing something about it, how different my past could be…
Don’t underestimate the power of disliking or even hating yourself. By the same token, definitely do not underestimate the power of loving yourself. I know many a woman whose life has changed simply by learning to like and love themselves, which in turn causes them to treat themselves with respect. I am one of them. Yet…there are many women who still hear this and try to shortcut to the species with a penis. They don’t want to spend the time on themselves as they’re impatient and afraid of their own company or the lack of a relationship. When you start taking care of yourself properly, you will feel the change in you, your life, and your relationships. Period.
If you keep repeating the pattern of hoping, betting on potential, being afraid, not loving yourself and putting your already badly burnt hand in the fire with the same men over and over again, you will get the same results.
It is hard to break the cycle, especially when you’re so entrenched in it but what does make it easier is knowing that you are not a person who is helpless to a random set of circumstances or some guy; you’re actually the facilitator to the cycle because if you change your behaviour, the cycle no longer exists.
You are not a victim.
This was the big shock to me was not being able to chalk it up to fate or blame it squarely on them, and the knowledge was too uncomfortable for me to knowingly continue as I was because in knowing what I was willingly doing and welcoming into my life, I had to be accountable for my own misery.
I remember ending up in tears due to the appalling behaviour of one particular Mr Unavailable but realising that the person who I should be angry with was me. If a man has disappointed you 50 times, why can’t he disappoint for the 51st? And even if he bucked the trend for the 51st time and did something decent, does that define him? Should you forget what he has been for 98% of the time. What are you going to do when he disappoints you the next time? Remember that one time, or remind yourself that you have got another fifty bits of evidence.
I have repeatedly said that you must take the focus off him and bring it back to you. Don’t wait for him to change and place the responsibility for your life being different on some chump assclown; use your own resources within and make the changes yourself.
Imagine if you redirected the energy you spent trying to love people that don’t love you, and gave it yourself?
Your thoughts?
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Natalie, you are on target again!!! I feel I could have written this post myself…I went through the same feelings and self blame. I love your analogy to getting hit by a car again and again. It’s sad how in the past I’ve gone back to the same EUM again and again and again, hoping and wishing he would change. You are totally correct that we need to put the love into ourselves. It’s scary at first, and takes time. We didn’t become who we are overnight and we aren’t going to be a totally different person in a heartbeat either. It is one step at a time. Natalie, I am so grateful for your site and pearls of wisdom. You help me stay on track and keep NC. I find myself checking your site everyday for comments and a new post. Thank you again!!!
Great post Natalie! Very appropriate today for me. Keep up the great advice!
i woke up the other day and realized i’ve been in love with men i can’t have since i was in junior high and that i’ve never been in a relationship – im 27 years old. i think i got it from my mom, who has been obsessed with my dad her whole life even though he’s never loved her. anyway, you’re right, as always. now how do i learn to love myself? no pressure!
Excellent points! I agree in a word that HOPE is the key. The hope that something will or has changed.
hi to everyone. Natalie, you are sooo good! This and all your posts are so encouraging, helpful and insightful that I find myself coming to you like a good friend everyday and checking for a word.
I hope for all of us that we will treat ourselves like we would a very precious, special best friend. Would we want for our daughters, friends what we ourselves seem to be settling for? In my case I know I would not. All my life I’ve been seeking men who I know ultimately will or must reject me because they already belong to someone else. It’s almost like it’s a ”test” to see whether I can ”get” them…Oh, I convince myself it’s love BUT it’s really pain, disappointment and anger that I always seem to end up with. I keep hoping this time it will be different, but you’re exactly right…how can it be? I need to learn to put this love and care into myself.
NML, love this post, especially when you said: You are not the victim.
We can remove ourself from these situations and not wait for him to pull the plug!
Dewdrop…I feel the same way…I think I’ve always fell in love with the men I couldn’t have…and the ones that want me I rejected as if there was something inherently wrong with them. I guess deep down I figured if they were “crazy about me” then there was something wrong with them…now I realize that I have to love and cherish me and I will attract healthier, available, capable of loving – men….
I have read countless self help books, visit this web site a lot and not once has the message changed about loving yourself accepting yourself and having the belief you deserve better..
For a long long time I believed the lie its better to have someone than no one at all…so I accepted bad deals bad situations always playing the victim role but finally the message is getting through I’m not a victim I don’t have to play the role Ive always played .. so heres to change..
I wish all luck on this journey !!!! One day I hope we report back the changes in our lives whether we are single or with someone where we have it together …
What a great post (again !)- I so much like the phrase about “Imagine if you redirected the energy you spent trying to love people that don’t love you, and gave it yourself?”
I’m just starting NC after a painful breakup meeting last week & find this blog so inspirational. Particularly good to think about what I could do / achieve / enjoy when focussing on myself.
Great post. I am struggling with no contact but am getting through it. What I know is that the feeling of discomfort that I am experiencing will lessen and I will be happy I didn’t “step into ongoing traffic” again and get hit by the same bus.
Last night I went out with friends and met a nice guy. Just the act of meeting a nice new person and receiving his “nice to meet you text” is something that I can think about instead of thinking about the fact that I am not engaging in contact with my EUM.
Fact of the matter is that relationships and new friendships take time to develop. And being healthy and staying away from old unhealthy but familiar (and unrealtic, fantasy) “relationships” takes effort.
For me, it’s like an addiction or going on a diet. I know my ex EUM is unhealthy for me. Just like binge eating or drinking. Yet, there is a part of engaging in communication with him that feels so good. Only later, it feels really, really bad.
Could it be that my engaging in communication with my ex EUM is a form of addiction? For instance, if I had issues with emotional eating, and got that under control – is it possible that I replaced that addiction with unhealthy relationships?
I exercise a lot. Sometimes I feel like I am addicted to exercise. That is a healthy type of addiction.
Maybe I need to really work hard at putting my energies in something that is addictive but in a HEALTHY way.
I’m just thinking out loud. Trying to understand why something so bad for me is so hard to give up.
Despite being real with myself and the situation – it’s hard to walk away.
Keep up the great posts. I find strength in reading them. However, it’s still a huge struggle for me.
Ashley,
I can totally relate to what you say about it being an addiction. I’ve thought the same thing myself and I think the pull is that these guys are like a slot machine…we had hope that one day we will hit the jackpot and they would love us the way we want and need to be loved. Only problem is they are never going to be able to…because they are users and only concerned with meeting their own selfish needs. Other problem is they aren’t totally bad men either…I know mine had some wonderful qualities and I was too focused on those. Bottom line is if we were happy with the “facade of a relationship” they were offering, we wouldn’t be on this site. I know for me, I deep down felt I wasn’t worthy of being loved and had so many men in my past (2 short term marriages) and boyfriends that weren’t committed to me…cheated or didn’t love me the way I deserve and this reinforced the subconsious feeling that I somehow was lacking as a woman…maybe not pretty enough, fun enough, good enough. Although I know it’s not true, I am very attractive, smart and have some terrific qualities, it’s a struggle to get past the past!!! It’s something I work on everyday. I went out last night to a speed dating event and none of the men sparked my interest and I did think about my ex-EUM and how I was sooooooo attracted to him, and missed that feeling. The difference now, is after 2 months NC and 3 months of not seeing eachother, I realize I can never, ever go backward. I have to look to the future and know that there will be someone in it who will treat me right and I will find them attractive. It may not be the same crazy pull that I felt toward my ex-EUM, but I have to give mature love a try too. I know now, that no matter how bored or lonely I get, I can never go back to him. It may be fun for an evening or a weekend and then it will be the pain of not getting my needs met and all about him. It’s like Natalie said, how many times am I going to jump in front of the bus?
It is hard, because I do think about him and miss the good times, the sex, the affection and companionship…but at what cost? The price was way too high to my mental health.
So, Ashley, I find something else to do when I feel that pull or want to contact him and get busy doing that. I began a hobby of making jewelry and I go to the gym more too!!! It does get easier…some days are harder than others, but remember…”You become a champion by fighting one more round. When things are tough, you fight one more round.” (James Corbett). This quote always helps me to stay focused. Another one is “The successful person makes a habit of doing what the failing person doesn’t like to do.” (Thomas Edison).
So, no matter how many times we may have made mistakes, gone back to these assclowns, today is a new day to start over. The past is in the past and we have our lives to live today. Believe me, these assclowns are not sitting around crying tears over us…they are on to the next victim, using the next woman who they catch in their web of games.
Ladies…God bless all of you…we can do it together! xxxoooxxxooo
finallyseenthelight – thanks for your wise words. It’s comforting to know that others are fighting the fight and winning too. I was out a little to late last night and am feeling rough – that is a huge factor also.
Anyway, headed to the gym now.
Funny, for a while, I’d read this blog and felt as if I wasn’t wrestling with these demons any longer. Now they are back full force. It’s such a long process. I wish I knew if I was actually making progress .
I suppose, if I am not making contact that there has to be some progress being made. As long as the “no contact” isn’t in hopes of having him come crawling back. Which it isn’t.
Ok, time to leave the site for today and start engaging in society.
Good luck all and thanks for the support!
NML, Another excellent post. I broke NC this weekend (uggh…..disappointed yet again) I needed to read this to get back on track. I am starting to believe that these kinds of relationships are truly an addiction! This is much harder than I initially led myself to believe.
Holly, You need to go back and reads your comments in “Shades of Grey.”
Gaynor-
I went back and re-read. I should have re-read them BEFORE I broke NC. Oh well, time to get back in line.
Ashley, I went to counselling after my EUM and I broke up realizing I was out of control and needed some help. My counsellor and I talked about my abandonment fears and attachment issues and “addiction” is the exact word she used. By the time this person is done with you (even if you leave them) they have sucked the life out of you and as NML has pointed out you are addicted to the drama, and the roller coaster ride.
I have been over one month of no contact with my EUM and it’s good, relaxing, peaceful but BORING. I think we tend to engage in contact with them for the thrill… you are right it’s like some sort of high getting them to pay attention but as you said… then it wears off again.
My counsellor has told me that the addiction is coming from inside, right in the pit of my stomach, if you are someome who has attachment issues as well, it literally is your body crying out for that person to stay, it’s your fear of being alone and abandonned that requires some form of contact. I might be wrong and this does not apply to you, but I certainly can relate to your addiction comments.
Dazedandconfused:
I’m actually considering seeing a counselor. I’m glad I’m not the only person who has for something like this
Holly – I am also in counseling. It’s been so helpful and I recommend it to everyone.
Well, it seems once again, the drama was to much for HIM to handle. The holiday was okay, we had our moments and yesterday was the final straw. The thing is since I’ve been reading this site and my book I know now what I’m doing when I do it. This morning he text “I dont know if anything is okay and I dont’ want to think about it” so I typed him a really long email about how after the last breakup and wanting answers I found this site and how I know now Its not him ITS ME! Seems so weird to be saying that after hearing it from him. I’m almost relieved and I think in a way wanted him to break up with me so I wouldn’t have to do it. Now, its time to start the NC! And I need counseling and lots of it. I have a lot of work to do. I know it.
for all who are just starting the No Contact rule…believe me it’s HELL at the beginning, but trust me, it will get better. In fact, the longer you do NC, the easier it becomes. We are all healing and trying to be better and more loving to ourselves, so you will think about him, you will want to see him, you’ll even fantasize about how could it could have been, if only…but remember, if only never comes for these men. And when you remember all the horrible thngs he did to you and how horrid and worthless he made you feel, the need to call him will lessen. Busy yourself with something else. pick up a hobby, call a girlfriend, go to a movie, get busy with living your life without him. Pretty soon you won’t think abot him anymore and with time, you won’t want him anymore either. Love yourself through this process and be patient withyourself, healing taked time. You have a whole new person to love now…yourself.
I’m talking to myself like I talk to my 3 yr old—-I’m not “allowed” to continue talking to this moron, kind of like my son isn’t “allowed” to do things. Maybe it’s me trying to parent my inner child.
Holly, one of the hallmarks of the EUM relationship – is the isolation. You lose contact with the healthy people that are often all around you, in order to try to make something work with the EUM.
So when you try to break things off – he has become almost the only adult in your life. You no longer have the friendships from growing up and from school, and you are out of practice with keeping friends in your life.
Making friends and meeting new people to establish connections with your community can provide a lot of balance. Avoid the people that the EUM hangs with, you need people of character and compassion. Think more “park” and “chamber of commerce” and “church activity” and flower club and PTA and school board and Housing for Humanity. Or quilting circle or model railroad club or skeet shooting. Volunteer to be a Salvation Army bell-ringer – and get to know everyone you come in contact with.
Don’t let the isolation you learned from your EUM keep you away from your community and friends any longer. And when things start getting frantic – you have someone to talk to, and a community and life that needs you.
I found your site last week, and I have to say that I’m sure this site was written for EXACTLY for me. I read everyone’s posts and need some insight. I’ve known this guy for a long time – we met through my former job. We’ve been “hanging out” for the past several years. I know he has tried to “hook up” with at least one other person that I know of – which probably means there are many more that I don’t know about. Anyway, this past month, he was texting me and talking to me about how much he wanted to kill himself, that his whole life sucked and was a huge disappointment. Well, naturally I wanted to help him as much as possible and he “seemed to” really appreciate my help – at least that is what he kept telling me over and over. Well, this past week we had an argument and in order to “keep the peace” I asked him if he would come to my house and we could talk I would take him to dinner or something. He promised he would come and on the day he was supposed to, he changed his mind. Anyway, from that point, it has reverted back to the same old situation – he needs his space, he won’t answer my text messages, nothing. This time it really hurts, because he knew how very worried I was about his depression and his thoughts about suicide. Now that he won’t respond to ANY of my messages is turning me into some “crazed” person and the worst part of all of this, is that I am totally aware of what I’m doing. How can someone be so appreciative of your help and one argument just completely causes all contact to end. He knows how muchI care, but I don’t know how to handle this situation. I just want him to understand that i didn’t ignore him when he was going thru this, so why is he completely blowing me off? And if he does need his space, is it fair to “wait” to hear from him, if that ever happens. Help, any thoughts?
Brad is right!
I got myself involved in activities that were outside my realm of interest: salsa dancing, meditation, bowling, investment courses etc… Not only was I keeping myself busy but I was also making some wonderful new friends.
You have to get yourself out there ladies!
Kim,
I’m not clear on your involvement with this man???? Have you been seeing one another ?
Yes, we have been seeing one another on and off for the past 5 years
Gaynor, in his world “seeing each other” is referred to as “hanging out”
Brad your post has really surprised me today, and by that I mean that some days I start to doubt my own gut reaction to my EUM… I think I made it all up in my head and then you mention something else that is very common to these relationships and I think “yes exactly.” Today it was isolation… this was a big one for me. I knew it had happened, I lost everyone and sense of myself… but just out of curiosity why is it that isolation is a key characteristic with these men?
I felt he 1) had very few friends or any close relationships at all and 2) it’s part of keeping you in the dark about who he really is. You can say anything about who you are if no one else can back it up.
Thanks for the insight Brad.
Brad is so right…today just as I was typing yet another “goodbye email” to my EUM, I caught myself saying he is my best friend and at that moment I realized NO he is NOT..how can he be my best friend when he can’t even give to me emotionally on any other level. He is just my ONLY friend at the moment because all my other friends are sick to death of my envolvement with him. As a matter of fact, his only true friend has been divorced for 10 years and we have yet to meet a woman that he is seeing. His best friend is so EUM its not even funny. Now, I’ve decided not send the “goodbye” email. Its just another form of my talking and his not listening. He won’t respond anyway.
It’s the “not responding” that is so hard to deal with. I can’t imagine how he would have felt if I didn’t respond to his texts about wanting to kill himself. I wonder if I had replied “give me space” when he said “I seriously want to kill myself” – how he would have reacted. And now I’m sitting here wondering what’s wrong with me that he can’t reply? I read somewhere it may take longer to find your self esteem than a new boyfriend, so priortize accordingly.
Kim,
I think it’s time to get out, for your own sanity. Five years is way too long for “hanging out!” Girlfriend, you’re being used like the rest of us are and were.
I’m sure he has other friends and family that can deal with his drama.
Dazed, they don’t bring you around their friends – if they have any – or hang around your friends because they are afraid that people that are not involved with him figure out what a piece of sh*t he really is and may fill you in.
They don’t have a lot of friends – what “normal” friend wants to used by him? 🙂
Kim, they respond when it is convenient for them and they have a need. “Give me space” translates to: go away for now but not too far.
Tryingtoleavehim, you are “killing” me 🙂 How many good bye letters are you going to send him? What will that do? For him to know that you are gone? He will understand that when he tries to make contact and you don’t respond.
Dazed,
I think what Brad was saying is that we isolate or push people out of our own lives. We do this by going over and over the endless drama with these fools, resulting in making our friends and family frustrated and crazy. We do it to ourselves!!!!!!!!
We need to take responsibility for our own happiness and stop using these guys as an excuse not to move on with our lives. I think this behavior sounds a bit similar to theirs.
Thanks Astelle. I couldn’t imagine treating someone this way. Not like I’m without my own faults, but I really am tired of being someone’s doormat. It seems these men always finish first.
Astelle that was always my feeling with my EUM and his friends… I could not put my finger on it but I have a big group of friends, many groups actually. We have dinner parties, or I just have a few g/fs that I can hang out with on a Friday night… he had random single people here and there but he never just had a buddy that he would see or talk to regularly or someone who didn’t seem to have a connection for some deal to something… he just struck me as a loner and even told me he felt he didn’t fit in a lot.
Apparently he has many friends from looking at his “MySpace” or “Facebook” internet sites. It’s funny that I’m not listed anywhere on these sites as a friend. It’s hard not to feel anything but pathetic knowing that he couldn’t consider me a friend, but he could “hang out” with me, tell me he loves me and of course, sleep with me. What kind of people do that. I’m afraid that I will NEVER be able to get over this…..
Astelle, you are right, I think its more me trying to explain and one last ditch effort on my part and (as a guy friend of mine just pointed out), a way to see if he will disagree with me. He wont, I just went back and read the last long letter I sent him after our breakup in September and I’ll be damned if I am not saying some of the same things over again. Nothing has changed. We just went back to spending all weekend together and nights that he was in town together but no communication, no real anything..just being with each other in an emotionless space. I text him today before he left town I love you and he didn’t even reply! The only difference in this letter is I’m saying how its me and not him and I understand now why I’ve been fighting so hard and I’m the one with the issues and I’m the one that needs to work on me. But, before sending it I realized that even my telling him how enlightened I have become, it won’t matter. It won’t change a damn thing and why should he even have the benefit of knowing?
KIm,
You will absolutely get over this in time. The more time you are away from him the easier it gets. It’s also a good time for self-reflection and discovering why we allow or allowed ourselves to be in these types of dysfunctional relationships.
Tryingtoleavehim, by saying how it is you and not him sounds like you are taking all the blame and he is off the hook. He is not off the hook and will spend time with you, when he is in town, as long as he will or you let him.
Don’t think for a minute that he will think you have become enlightened, he did not respond to your I love you, because he doesn’t and is just waiting until you calm down and get of his back.You are the only one that can stop this madness.
Kim, yes you will get over this, I promise, the more time of no contact goes by you will feel better and see things for what they are really are, been there believe me.
Would it be fair to say that the attraction to an EUM maybe related to family ties. In my case as I look at my family and myself, I can see EU abound. This was my training ground to accept EUMs and the bad behavior and then the task of convincing them that I was a good catch while thinking all along that they were good for me and on more than one occassion my best friend. Even when they were treating me badly but I stuck it out. I was basically “on call” with my family, they blow hot and cold constantly. Sometimes I am the best and other times in a blink of an eye, I am the worst and mostly for living my life and not doing as they want me to do. I am ignored and alot of times I felt that I owed all of them something for just living. I sabotaged myself constantly with my career and life in general just so they would not feel that I was better. Thank goodness for a 1000 mile distance. I have given myself permission to live the life that I was given and to become emotionally available and love myself first and far most. I have not had real friends and have lead a lonely life complete with EUM.
Thank you NML for your website, I have learned alot by coming here and reading the articles and posts from others like myself.
Astelle, I see your point but by no means was I taking all the blame. Acutally I was pointing out as well in the unsent email that the only thing that has changed since the last breakup is my realizing that I have been trying to make him love me for validation. I know it doesn’t make sense but in some way I want him to know that I have awoke from that crazy fog of dreamland and that I know that I can’t make him or anyone for that matter love me. It may seem stupid I know, and I know that he couldn’t give a rats ass about what I’ve come to know or don’t know and in a few days apart or a week, whenever he comes home, gets lonely he will text, call wanting to see me and the cycle will start again. The only thing is this time, I’m not doing the begging, I’m not pleading for forgiveness for the things I’ve said or anger I showed, I’m not saying anything at all and that should be a shock to him or hell, may be a relief I don’t know. I just know that from this site and posts from others I’m not alone. Thank God, I’m not alone and it has helped me to see what my issues are. If I can’t love myself, how can I honestly love someone else?
Tryingtoleavehom, what are you saying, are you waiting for him to do the begging? Are you still planning on seing him??
Tryingtoleavehim: The best way to let him know that you have awoke from the fog is from your ACTIONS. You do not need to tell him all this about what you have come to realize about yourself, and he will not understand anyway, or even probably care. Just walk away.
I kept telling myself I was setting a date of January 1. Well, why wait but I have to be honest here, I can’t lie..I don’t know what I will do. Part of me wants to ignore him or tell him no when he does come around but honestly, I don’t know if I can. Its pretty pathetic isn’t it?
Isabella-
I also come from a family of EU people. Your story sounds SO much like mine. It’s great knowing that I’m not alone in the world, feeling this way. Ladies, I have a theme song for all of our EUM’s- – Katy Perry’s “Hot n Cold”…
Tryingtoleavehim, I don’t understand then why you waste your time to cry about your situation? Did you expect we would have a magic cure for him? I understand venting and getting support, but you are not ready to make a change for yourself. Good luck!
Astelle, Wow! Thank you for your brutal honesty…NO, I’ve never come here looking for the magic cure. You asked and I answered honestly..and thank you for your support. It must have been alot easier for you. Maybe your EUM was a cheat and a liar, none of which mine is…. I’m sure there are others like me that are reading and not ready to act…
Trying,
Maybe he isn’t a cheat but he certainly is a liar!
Every time he told you he would change that was a lie, and I’m sure the list goes on and on. So now, b/c he wasn’t a cheat it makes him a better EUM?? C’mon. Either you want the pain and the nonsense to end or you don’t. Time to make up your mind!
I’m only on day 10 of no contact and half the time my mind is thinking of different ways to see him etc. but thankfully I have a small voice inside saying you deserve better, don’t you want better? And aren’t you just sick and tierd of chasing… and I think yes I do deserve better and yes I’m tierd of chasing and the moments of madness pass.. I’m so glad I broke my bad habit of texting makes things easier…
If you look closely Tryingtoleavehim he is a liar… or full of contradictions =liar … good luck on your journey ..
Im so glad people said this gets easier phew keeps me going …
I have been reading this website for awhile and all of you women are so wonderful and within every story i see traces of myself or pieces of the behavior of my xmm and xeum. I went straight from one to another, burnt from the xmm but thought i could be stronger than i was. Turns out I was l thrown under a 16 wheeler and am still struggling everyday to find myself and stop with these destructive habits. I have never had a healthy relationship.
It has become so inherent that my advisor at my graduate school is working with me on a new thesis topic: good girls and bad boys: the attraction and possible pathways to deviant behavior. I still have to decide how to define a bad boy, but i think many of you will understand why this topic has become so encompassing for me, even if it does not lead to deviant behavior on your part. I am wondering what you all think.
I started not even to respond but I feel like I need to. Actually in my opnion he has been honest with me. He told me from week 2 that he doesn’t know if he is capable, that I deserve better, I deserve someone that isn’t wishy washy and can give me what I want. When he has told me he loves me I think he means it but its not that he is in love with me and he loves me as much as he possibly can. I’m by no means taking blame here but I do have to be accoutable for NOT listening to what he has said and NOT wanting to believe it and THINKING that I can change him, love him enough and MAKE him love me the way I want him to. For those things, I am accountable. Of course, I’m tired of the pain, of course I want to do something about it. Before I found this site, read the book I didn’t understand and thought, I just need to love him more, just need to show him, tell him, put him first BUT now I see..that wont get me anywhere. Today is day 1 of NC, one day at a time and today, I tell myself that when he does call/text whatever, I won’t respond or at the very least, turn him down. I’ve looked back and all the other times I got frustrated and wanted to breakup, crying, not being able to eat or sleep or even want to get out of bed, after day 2 or 3 I was begging him back. I don’t have that urge this time. I’m not as emotionally distraut as all the other times and I think its because after finally understanding I know that I can’t change him and I know that he hasn’t changed and he is wishy washy and I do deserve better. With all that being said, its an addiction. (I’m reading How to Break your Addiction to a Person) I’m addicted to the chase and that is what I need to fight. That is what I meant by my earlier post of not knowing because just like a junkie needs a fix, by the end of the week (I have to be honest) I may want my fix. I’m reading, I’m trying to break the addiction and I’m not coming here crying about my situation looking for someone to give me the magic answer. I’m trying to heal and help myself. Can anyone else honestly say that NC is easy or they don’t have their moments when they want to break it or may have even done so? My EUM is a good man, he just doesnt love me the way I want him to and that isn’t his fault. He has been there for me in my worst times. I know if I needed something or even financial help he wouldn’t run, he would give it. And I’m sure as I type that sentence that is going to get me some negative feedback about how he is a bad man but the way I see it is, does not loving me the way I WANT make him bad?…I’m just as EUM is he is. I realize now every relationship I’ve ever had has been like this so unless I change, it will be the same with the next one. Its all on ME.
I am going into my fourth month of no contact and I will back up all those claims that is is just really, really hard and painful at first, and you will have those bad days – even a string of bad days – where you just wonder why you ever got into the situation, why he didn’t love you, why he didn’t fight, etc.
But gradually, if you keep reading this site (and maybe get some counseling), you will stop just reading the words and identifying and it will start to become real. For example, I have re-read the posting about “why her and not me” pretty much each time I hear something new about my ex EUM and his new girlfriend. As I was listening to the lastest (unsolicited) story about him via an acquaintance last night (he’s now “committed to making it work with her” – something he was never going to do with me), I realized that I am really NOT what he wanted, at least not as a girlfriend – and for the first time that actually made me feel GOOD. I realized, and actually felt, how he was more into her because she is more willing to put him before herself that I would ever be, and thank god for that. Unlike me, she is a total mommy-type, and I think that’s all she knows how to do. He is an overgrown emotional baby, looking for a mommy, and he found her (for now, until he gets bored of playing house). They’re quite perfect together, and I hated being compared to her for those very reasons but now I see that I really am not that much like her and I feel good and relieved to have not been forced into that role.
So, what I’m saying is that time and space will help anyone put the pieces back together and you will start really seeing – and most importantly – FEELING the results of all the work and you will see your true self coming back to life. It’s out there, and anyone reading this site is on the right path.
I am going to into month 3-4 of NC, I lost track (good thing for me!!) Anyway, I believe that EUMs know when we are not over them but in a different way. As long as I am thinking about him and what sh*t he did to establish his EU status, he knows instinctively. Like energy attracts like energy. I have been blessed of not running into him or his cohorts and he has to pass by my subdivision to take his daughter to school. I feel that I was given the opportunity to purge his ass out of my system. .
Thanks for the responses to my post. Now, if I can only start putting into action what friends (and total strangers on this site) have been telling me to do, I can move on with my life. I feel relieved at the moment, but I’m sure there will be times when I completely fall apart. It’s part of the healing process and I will try my hardest not to contact him. His thoughts of suicide really did scare me, but he can no longer be my concern if I’m ever going to get on with my life. Thanks again, everyone! Best of Luck!!
I post periodically, but this article really hit home for me. The day after Thanksgiving I finally ended things with my EUM. After three years of broken promises, back and forth and just plain torment to myself, I finally said enough. I feel good, and I’m in the process of moving out to my old place. It has been a trying time, because like Tryingtoleavehim to leave him said, my EUM is the same way. He is a good guy in some respect, but he is definately emotionally unavailable. I’d been reading this website for months and reading everything I could get my hands on. The more I read the more uncomfortable I became in the situation, because I knew that I could not continue on as same, especially after I become aware of what I was doing to myself. I work on trying not to feel hurt by the fact that this guy has almost completely erased me from his mind, even though we’re still sharing living spaces at the moment. (We’re sleeping in seperate rooms till I move out. Which I’m trying to do ASAP!) I normally would have been hurt by the fact that he’s basically already over me, but mostly I feel relieved and a bit ashamed that I stayed for three years with someone who so obviously cared so little about me. My family has been calling me non-stop, (They are on the East coast and I on the West Coast, having moved here with him) to check on me, and for the first time after things ending with an EUM, I feel better. That’s not to say it’s not still tough and I don’t have my moments, but the feeling of being free to finally love myself right and get the things in life that I deserve has been feeling pretty good. I’ve been putting the focus back on me. This site has been such a source of encouragement for me, so has the books and everything else that people recommend. I know now that for the first time in my life I can do what I thought was impossible, and that’s love myself unconditionally and put myself first. I just send out super support to all the ladies and men who come here for support. Thank you all for your words, it has helped me to realize that I’m not crazy. Before I discovered this site, I thought I just was getting the shitty side of life, but thanks to you all, and especially NML I realize that I can fix me and do it in a positive and healthy way.
I just wanted to add to my post what NML has said in the past – NC is SUPER hard at first, not to mention totally painful and scary. I think I lost ten pounds just from being so stressed, wondering what I was going to do with myself. I cried a lot, I didn’t sleep sometimes, I dialed his number sometimes but didn’t hit “send.” I wrote letters that I didn’t mail. I even got weak at times and drove by his house, only to feel like a fool for doing it. The important part, though, was that there has been NO CONTACT, and gradually things got better and better. Yes, I still think about him a lot. There is still some bad times, but not every day/every second like before. To me it was like instead of being afraid to cross the river and trying every which way to get around it, I faced my fear and jumped in, swam over and made it to the other side and got through it even though it was really hard and scary. And to look back, I can see that I’m on the right side of the river now and that I’m strong because I crossed it.
BBP-
I’ve started NC again, and i’ve felt exactly like you did, scared, doing crazy things like dialing and hanging up, etc. I feeli like I’m going nuts sometimes, but I know it will get better eventually. Some of the initial panic has subsided (finally) And I don’t think of him quite so much. I’m actually discovering that i’m not so horrible after all, and just maybe i don’t have to “take what I can get”
Kim, Ask yourself, would he be there for you? Also, doesn’t he have other friends and family he can lean on?
Holly – I promise that it will get better. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and you’ll eventually feel better – – and might I add from experience much more normal and less crazy/out of control…
Tryingtoleavehim- this quote from your last post says it all. “He told me from week 2 that he doesn’t know if he is capable, that I deserve better, I deserve someone that isn’t wishy washy and can give me what I want.”
Like you said you’re hearing him but not listening to what he is saying. He told you this in the 2nd week of being with him and you’re still hanging on. If I’ve learned one thing from all my EUM’s it’s this…when they tell you this kind of crap they really mean it. They aren’t going to change their mind, you aren’t going to be able to persuade him otherwise, and you’re not going to be able to love him him more so he’ll get it. He gave it to you straight up in the 2nd week.
Stay NC this isn’t about him anymore. It’s about YOU, what is the best for YOU? And you already know the answer…just stay NC. I’m 3.5 months of NC now it’s getting better every day.
Get comfortable in your own skin, and learn to be happy from the inside out.
Lori G- you are right and I know this now but then I didn’t. I thought I could love him enough and make him see I wasn’t like his ex wife or the girlfriend that left him to go back to her husband. It wasn’t until our last breakup in September and finding this site that I realized the truth BUT the mistake I made was a week after the breakup being sucked back in by the “I miss yous” and “I really do love you I am just trying to figure it out”..after a pretty much miserable Thanksgiving (and I made him miserable to) I see that it wasn’t worth it. Nothing has changed. Like I said before I have implemented NC and am going to give my all to maintain it. I have clothes and things at his house that he can just keep for all I care. Congratulations on your 3.5 months! It sounds amazing and I can’t wait to say I’ve reached that goal!
It is hard to end things when the guy is basically a “good” guy, but the important thing is to keep in mind that he is not “good” for you in the big picture of the relationship. But can I just say that after you are out of the relationship for a while and and have some time and distance to look back objectively, your perspective about them may change a bit, and even if they didn’t cheat or outright lie to you, you might come to see that some of their behavior was taking advantage of your compassionate nature with their mixed messages. And that they were kind of using in the relationship, even if they did things for you and were there for you at times. Tryingleavehim: You are right, it is all on you, but your guy doesn’t sound like such a good guy, even if he was honest about not being able to give you what you deserve from the beginning. You should have listened and ran when he told you, but at the same time, he shouldn’t be engaging in a relationship if he knows he is “wishy washy” and that you “deserve more”. Ugh. You are too compassionate towards this guy, and he is making a fool out of you if you keep going back. I think once you get angry and realize that this is what is actually happening, you will find it easier to break the addiction and stop getting your “fix”. Nikki: Good luck and I hope you can move out fast! It is a great feeling when you come to the realization that life can be better 🙂
No, he would not be there for me. He has other friends but I think they tell him to get help and may not tolerate his B/S as much as I have. I really don’t know what he has told others about his situation. He could very well end up becoming the man I created in my mind – but at present, he is not the man for me.
Awesome Post! I have been really reflecting to make sense of why I was attracting such misery into my life which led me to this post. I read a letter my Mother wrote to me saying to “keep my head up high” – because she loves me, although I forgive her she neglected and abandoned me – which I also endured every sense of abuse from Dad – long story. The point being all that stuff I went through caused pain that was stuffed inside and hijacked my true self or at least hid it. I didn’t see who I truly was – or even knew how to love myself. It took bad relationships, self destructive patterns to finally look inside and see, that was the first step and although I take time to heal… it’s definitely been a step in the right direction. To know, like you said that we are responsible for our misery and finding our happiness.
This, like many, is a wonderful post. This website is a labor of love! It is so nice to click on and get instant support, when I’m floundering and making excuses for him, and wanting to submit to that “gravitational pull.”
In response to this post, for so many months..years…I realized my part in the “situation/relationship” with my EUM, and I used that to take the blame from him, and sort of say – like you’ve explained in the e-book – “Well, I must not be ready for a relationship, this must be what I really want, cuz I’m doing it too.” But what I’ve finally (duh!) realized – with your website – is that, regardless of who is responsible, it is HURTING me. And, really, that is absolutely all that matters. I need out.
I don’t want to hurt him, or be a jerk, or childish by cutting off contact with him – HOWEVER, I have absolutely every right to do whatever is necessary to protect myself, and to pursue my own peace, happiness and my best self. Unfortunately, for him, it means he’s out of my life. And I haven’t felt this peaceful and empowered since I met the AC.
Thanks, again, so much NML.
Natalie – question. I would retell my story but it has been retold by so many on your site.
Question I have is what is the internal dialogue that is happening with unavailable men? I saw mine for the first time in four months and am faced with a man riddled with insecurity, fear and loneliness. I was there listening to how he doesn’t want anything with me, but is looking for “the one”. This has been going on for ten plus years – on-off-on-off.
Thanks for any insight you can provide.
R.
i have been reading this site for almost two years. i read every response and all the advice. i still wish i could of had a relationship with this man i do not know why i fell in love with. i feel everyones pain. i am tired of giving my self to a man and not having him. i do not understand how i can give over and over again and not even a tender touch. all your wisdom is wise. but it does not answer the questions in my heart
I saw your comment just as I was heading off to bed. “i still wish i could of had a relationship with this man i do not know why i fell in love with…i am tired of giving my self to a man and not having him. i do not understand how i can give over and over again and not even a tender touch” – that’s why you are struggling. If you have no idea why you are in love with him, it suggests that it is more the idea of him, not the reality. If you don’t know why or are unable to be ‘real’ then you won’t let go because you don’t know what you’re holding on to. You are objectifying him – the misery comes in determining your happiness on possessing something. You cannot and don’t own him. You are ‘loving’ with a demanding IOU – I love you so you must love me back. I want you so you must want me back. I give so you must give back. The lack of response from him says that this is a one way thing and if you persist, you are not only forcing your ‘love’ on him, but you are ignoring how he feels. You don’t give without a relationship to give to. As soon as you start to realise that you are pursuing someone and giving with the idea of eventually extracting something from him, you’ll realise how futile it is and also how it’s removing your dignity. You shouldn’t force your love or yourself on *anyone*. It doesn’t mean you are not worthy of being loved or not a lovable person – it means that they are no interested and that you need to expend your energies elsewhere and remove yourself out of this non existent equation. Your heart is misleading you and in actual fact, it’s not your heart, it’s your ego and the sense of rejection and you are trapped in your feelings and trying to stem the feeling of rejection by continuing to pursue him. Let go. Be real even though it will hurt for a while. You’re better than this. Take care,