While that thing we refer to as ‘dating’ is for having fun and getting to know each other, it’s also the key period (the discovery phase) where you need to notice red flags. If ignored, red flags catch up with you further down the road in your relationship and cause you much pain.
People have a nasty habit of wearing rose-tinted glasses when dating and witnessing red flags they fail to acknowledge and act upon. If we want to have more successful relationships and minimise some of the pain we suffer in pursuit of love, we must learn to be more aware. We must pay attention to red flags.
If there are red-flag issues, there are indicators in the early stages of dating. We just need to be listening and watching. It’s important to note that we all make a massive effort when we first meet someone. That said, we can’t help but slip into our natural selves within the first few dates. We also can’t control situations and life. Various situations will put us to the test and we’ll inadvertently reveal our true selves.
What is a red flag?
This is something the other party does or represents that flags a potential problem either then or further down the line. Often ‘red flags’ are a character trait, for example, aggression. At other times it’s a fundamental core difference in values, indicating something that’s extremely important to you that you really shouldn’t and cannot ignore.
Red flags can and often will deal a fatal blow to the relationship. Why? Because they’re a sign of incompatibility and the unhealthiness of the relationship. Ignoring red flags gives the person a lifeline to expand upon these issues, and the damage that can be dealt with this lifeline may have long-lasting repercussions.
The key with a red flag is that whatever it is, it alerts you to other potential issues or something crucial that you would typically be wary or not accepting of. Red flags highlight something you don’t want to (and shouldn’t) compromise on.
We ignore red flags because:
- We’ve already slept with them and are already in The Justifying Zone, that place we go to where we keep finding reasons to stay with the person to justify sleeping with them.
- We want a relationship more than we want the right person.
- We’re insecure.
- We’re blinded by lust and desire.
- We have I Can Change Him/Her syndrome.
In your mind, as part of the natural process of life and because you want to have a decent mate to have a relationship with, there need to be certain predefined things that you know that you will not accept, regardless of how fabulous this person is or that will cause you to pause and query the problem to resolve the red flag.
Our inability to ask the right questions or even ask any questions is the very thing that comes back to bite us further down the line when the person’s acting out these behaviours or we recognise incompatibilities and we feel bewildered.
Red flags
Anger and aggression
If they have trouble keeping it in check, they’re irrational, violent, and a bit too handy with their fists, be careful that you don’t end up being a human punchbag or being emotionally abused.
Emotionally unavailable
This is someone who is incapable of sharing anything of themselves emotionally because they’re all about limiting their exposure to vulnerability and doing things on their terms, making them rather self-absorbed. If they’re emotionally unavailable, they cannot be truly intimate, which means that they cannot commit, which means your relationship is going to halt, or go in fits and starts. And ultimately your relationship isn’t really going to go anywhere because it will always have a cap on it.
Dodgy attitude towards sex
Pay attention to people who don’t know what to do with themselves if they don’t get their ‘medicine’. Some of these will never be satisfied. Also, unhealthy attitudes in the bedroom spill over into other areas of your life and leave you feeling very insecure.
Irresponsible
Are they incapable of doing much for themselves because they haven’t grown up? Is this person irresponsible with life in general? e.g. Their attitude to bills, rent, job, borrowing money. Are they reckless?
Addicted to something
If you meet someone and they’re addicted to something and not aware and doing something about it, this will impact your life greatly if you continue on. Also, you pursuing an involvement with them when they’re in the early stages of, for instance, sobriety and their healing journey, can derail that process. See more on code amber and red issues.
The Controller
Run like the wind from anyone that wants to control you. It won’t let up, and the longer you’re with them, the more entrenched they become in your life, is the worse they’ll get. They’ll often use criticism, emotional blackmail and gaslighting as a chief way of getting and chopping at you. Watch your self-esteem walk out the door. See more on the Chopper and Unpleasables.
They play the victim
Be careful of anyone that refuses to take any responsibility for their life and blames it on others. You will eventually become one of those ‘others’. For them to always be in the role of victim, you have to be in the role of persecutor or rescuer. It makes it super tricky for them to see their part in situations. Note that victimising one’s self and so adopting it as a role and identity is different from being a victim of something.
Not over the ex
Not over their ex, not ready for you. Plain and simple.
Problems with past/childhood
Unfortunately, things happen in life and it can be difficult to get over and deal with. Some things have a very lasting effect on people and can impact hugely on future relationships. They, of course, can be overcome, but failure to acknowledge these issues in the first place and openly deal with them will cause big problems. And keep in mind that we all have a past and problems, and plenty of us, myself included, have childhood trauma. These in and of themselves don’t render us unsuitable for intimate relationships. Our availability for relationships and love of ourselves and others ultimately comes down to whether we process our emotional baggage.
Nasty and spiteful
I am always wary of people who don’t have a good thing to say about anyone, begrudging people their successes and revelling in their failures. I don’t think it’s the fabric of a good strong character and is something to keep an eye on. Mean-spirited people don’t stop being so in a relationship and may attack your self-esteem by latching on to what they decide are your ‘flaws’. Check out The Chopper.
Now, how much of a blow these red flags deal to your relationship is down to you. You must decide on what is and isn’t acceptable and stick to it. Listen to yourself, instead of ignoring, dismissing and overriding your intuition.
Something that allows people with these red flags to ‘prosper’ and continue as normal is acceptance of the behaviour as is, with rarely any questions asked. If you have someone with any of the above, raise the issue with them. Or, if it’s serious enough, bail and don’t look back.
For more insight into red flags, please check out my post on code amber and red behaviour and problems.
Are you ready to stop silencing and hiding yourself in an attempt to ‘please’ or protect yourself from others? My book, The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People Pleasing, Reclaim Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want (Harper Horizon), is out now.
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I have been alone for 16 years and recently I was dealing with aot of family problems(mother was extremely ill). Normally, I don’t deal with men who are emotional unavailable, due to being hurt very badly by one mentally and emotionally years ago and ended up with a son. It took me years to get strong and to know what I want and need from a partner. But, at the time of the emotional crisis in my life I let one end. I knew what he was and I knew that I could due better but I got involve. Love me, love me, I begged and he loves it. Anyway I’m tired and I really don’t need to be with him he is dangerous for me. So I am going to change my number and move on. I have not gotten into calling him alot but the moment I try to break off he will call me. So I’ve decided to end it by changing my number and during that periond working on me again. Why did I get involve this long with this guy? We have nothing in common and we would have never have met if this crisis had not happen. Why I cam’t feel mad because I knew his type (red flags painted the sky!!!} and I still gave him a chance. I need to change my number because if I dont he will work on me emotionally. I like him but his behavior I hate so I am walking away but for carry the feelings and emotions of hating a person. I need a positive, nuturing relationship and he can’t give me that. He is more needy than I thought he though he is trying very hard to make me feel needy. He can not maintain a friendship because he is not honest, trustworthy, and dependable etc….I don’t have anything to say to him because its crazy going over over something that not interest in changing. I am not his therapist and he is driving me into needing one. I bailing out, too bad for him I had alot to offer in a relationship but he does not appreciate me. I need to work on being kind to me now, how can I avoid this mistake again?
Hi Marie,
By never, NEVER, ignoring red flags again. They are you values and come from your gut. I to ignored the most blatant red flags once, and did I pay? in dividends. But fromt hat massacare of a relationship, I learnt about myself and that some people have to many and some such huge issues we as women cannot help. Remember we are their girlfriends not therapists. Im not heartless in any way shape or form, I truly understand people have baggage and why. However its not our job to sort everyone out. You can show them the way by example, not spending hours playing life coach. If they dont get it. Its time to go. For your own sake.
I’m proud of myself that I did listen to my gut when I went out on a date 6 months ago (this was after I was conscious of not choosing healthy partners) … On his dating profile, he had “NO” next to drinking, but when I did a little background search online to see if he was on any other website, on the other profile it said “SOCIALLY”… I initially didn’t mind he didn’t drink, especially since I decided it wasn’t the best thing for me and gave up drinking because of drinking problems (nothing too major but enough to stop because of bad situations I got me into with dating/social/etc)… We get to the restaurant and he orders a drink, so I ask “On your dating profile it says you don’t drink”… and he swept it under the rug “you know how I said I filled the profile out so quickly”… I go “is it maybe because you were contimplating on whether not to drink… and he admitted he did have a problem with it (but apparently thinks he has a handle on it) but then continued to complain on the date, with other flags which indicated he was not emotionally available. I suppose when I first met him for coffee and he asked me how much I pay in rent, that should of indicated something… but wasn’t a major flag and just stood my boundaries.
Gina, what was he complaining about? Also, how did you find him on other dating sites, did he have pictures posted?
I posted this in another section of the blog, but I will post it here, too.
If you tell him that you “like” something, he immediately stops doing it, or makes sure that he never starts doing it if he hasn’t already. (This could happen both in sex or non-sex scenarios.) My EUM did this. This was SO ODD to me. He did this both in sex, and non sex stuff. I couldn’t figure it out.
Also, the “red flags” may be there, but you don’t have experience with them, and, thus, don’t recognize the red flags. For me, the “if I like it, he stopped doing it” was definitely a “red flag” but I had never encountered this before.
Also, my EUM asked me to move in with him after two months. The “Red flag” (which I did recognize, but ignored it) was that during the two months, we had never spent 24 hours together, or even a weekend together. RED FLAG.
I have recently been involved with someone who wasn’t over his ex. Well, it wasn’t quite his ex but it turned out after me seeing constant messages between him and this girl on facebook, i asked him who it was and he said he still had feelings for her but that nothing had happened.
Anyway, that all ended after me still pursuing him regardless of knowing he was an EUM and finally got over it.
Now i am in the situation of knowing that i continuously go after the same types, but finding it hard to break the habit and start focusing on me first and getting my self esteem in order so i am able to find a decent partner in the future.
I have recently gotten back in contact with a guy who i was seeing for a little while on and off a few years ago. At the time he was telling me he was afraid of commitment but did really like me, but couldn’t be in a relationship. I finally told him one day that it wasn’t good enough and if you like someone then commitment issues or not, you want to be with them and make it work. So i didn’t contact him after that and then i found out about 2 weeks later he had met someone and she became his g/f for the next 3 years.
Now they have broken up, and he wants to catch up and see me. But, trusting my instincts i know that this could be just going back to the same old situatuon i have been in too many times now, but yet i feel like i am still going to do it anyway. We haven’t met up yet but he has given me his number and has said via IM for me not to expect him to be more mature than what he was before, if anything he is less mature. So…obviously this is a red flag which i am either going to shove aside and say to myself, “yeah i’m going to see him anyway and something might develop” or say to myself, “i’ve had enough of this and don’t have the energy to go through this crap again”!
I tell myself that i will just “catch up” with him, see how he’s going etc, but really who am i kidding. Only myself, because him and i both know we are not just going to sit there talking and asking how each other has been over the last few years.
Plus, he still talks to his ex, so if i really look at the situation, what the hell am i thinking and why am i even still considering seeing him? Is it because i am emotionally unavailable too and am not yet ready to expect more for myself and wait for someone who actually wants to be with me too?
Any thoughts would be appreciated!
Run Anna Run!! No you should not consider him cause you would be non other than a Rebound or Fall Back Girl… You couldn’t possibly want to be that because I am sure you are worth much more than you are allowing yourself to settle for…