At a time of year when many of us find an excuse to act a little (or a lot crackers) by using Christmas/the holidays to reach out or accept contact from exes, to get back together, to stay together because it’s Christmas, or to expect a Miracle on Assclown Street, it’s time to remind you that nobody is that special that you need to sell yourself down the river by treating yourself without love, care, trust, and respect in the name of ‘winning’ them.
Every single thing you do in an effort to ‘win’ someone who isn’t engaging in a mutual relationship with you inflates them. You’re dwarfing yourself and making them into something mighty. Stop chasing and please stop pumping.
When someone is as great as you claim they are, they’ll be that special without you adding your backing track and vocals to their life. They can stand on their own two feet without you protesting too much about them or harping on about their ‘potential’.
And this is one for the ladies here – being a woman doesn’t automatically make you qualified to see the potential in others, especially men. It’s like thinking that because you’ve lived in a house or like houses, that you can spot a home with potential, or that because you’ve handled money or stood inside a bank that you can be an investment banker.
It’s like going “I’m horny/I love you/I see things that I don’t like” and deciding you’re qualified to determine the potential. If you’re focused on the wrong things, you’ll choose partners for all sorts of strange reasons that don’t stack up, just like the person who’ll bet on the wrong house, or will cut into the wrong deal.
Stop pumping them up! Stop going on about their looks, or their status, or the fact that they go to church, or they have a good job, or they have a lot of money, or they’re really intelligent, or they’re liked by ‘everyone’, or that you have great ‘chemistry’, or whatever.
There’s no point in going on about anything that you’re not directly experiencing the positive results of. That means it’s all well and good going on about their super intelligence or their appearance, but without mutual love, care, trust, and respect, you’re making much ado about shag all. Let’s also not forget that the more you have to talk up someone, the more it becomes clear that you suffer with Those Who Doth Protest Too Much.
It’s not your job to come along and define them, but you may be tempted into trying this if you’re wanting them to define you.
The same goes for latching onto something that they did early in the relationship or as one of their ‘good times’ and then repeatedly reminding yourself of it – you wouldn’t have to latch onto something if you had a good relationship. In fact, you wouldn’t have to keep living in the past or betting on potential in the future, if your present day relationship was making you happy.
Every time you latch onto something about them and make out like this characteristic, quality, or value is far more amazing or valuable than it is, while the reality and impact on your relationship are radically different, you distort your relationship and the truth of who they are.
This is why you’ve got to stop pumping up people and treating yourself in a less than manner in the hopes of ‘winning’ them. Aside from the fact that this all detracts from you because you convey all of the wrong messages about yourself, the more you pump them up, is the more they actually start to believe their own hot air hype and think “Maybe I can do better!”
Stop pumping them up!
If I could send a text to someone saying “How are you?” or “Hope you’re well!” and get back a flurry of adoration, detail, love, sexy pictures, begging and pleading and other such disproportionate responses, I’d think I was that special.
If I could keep tapping you up for sex or pressing the Reset Button, and even pulling the same con numerous times using the same ‘ole lines and excuses, I’d start to think I was that special.
If I could have you prancing around in underwear, waiting around for my calls, pining for my texts, turning down opportunities with single people, crying, wailing, begging me to leave, always being fun, hospitable and entertaining, and essentially being an upper and a painkiller escape from my married or attached life, I’d think I was that special. I’d be like “Man! I’m so fricking special, I’ve got two people! Check me and my special fried self!”
In fact, if I stopped texting you and you got upset and even asked me why I wasn’t texting, I’d think I was really special. It’s just a text after all, but if I can get you this bothered and this into me, and I’m not even calling and seeing you, I’d get a very overinflated sense of my own self-importance.
If I could tear you down, call you names, knock you about, tell lies to your family and friends, and abuse you, even though I’d obviously be a grubby, lowlife, controlling, abusing jackass, I’d start to think I was that special.
If all I had to do was touch base occasionally and you’d drop whatever you were doing, give me a great shag, stroke my ego, listen to my problems, or even lend me money, I might start to think that I’m the kind of person that has so much to offer and is so special, that I only have to drip out some crumbs and not even put in even half the effort that other people do.
If I can get in touch with you no matter whether 2 months, 2 years, or even 20 years has gone by and have you quickly slotting back into the old routine, giggling, complimenting me, and fantasying about us being together, I would think I was really that special.
Stop pumping them up!
They’re just not that special that you need to be engaging in behaviour that essentially degrades you.
If you keep starving yourself of self-love, care, trust, and respect, you will be like someone starving in the desert that gets offered a cracker and thinks it’s the best food you’ve ever eaten. “This cracker’s amazing!” you’ll be telling yourself but over time, it really won’t look, feel, or taste anything close to amazing. It’s just a bloody cracker just like they’re just just a bloody person.
Feed yourself with love, care, trust, and respect, and I tell you this – you wouldn’t pee on any of these people you’ve been inflating if they were on fire, never mind pump them up.
You are better than this, and whether it’s December, or any other month of the year, you deserve better than anything less than mutual. Do not waste another second or drop of energy pumping up some clown that doesn’t appreciate you – turn that energy on you.
Your thoughts?
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Another great post Nat, wishing you and your family and all the lovely peoples on here a fantastic christmas and new year from Australia
Kirsten xx
‘Miracle on Assclown Street’ haha! I really like that. Thank you for the holiday reality check. I needed that reminder.
I agree! “Miracle on Assclown Street” actually made me laugh out loud… and I sure needed that!! As always, BR is a great reality check. And thanks to this wonderful site, I do believe 2012 will be a better year for me emotionally. NO MORE ASSCLOWNS! (been struggling with this AC for 3 years) The jig is up! Thank you Natalie and all those who comment. You are a great support! Love to you all!
I have been doing just this for 15 years (yep, fifteen years) w/ a long-distance married man w/ NPD. Oh he’s been pumped all right. And I’ve been deflated all right! Attempts at NC (so many I lost count, over the years) always failed for various reasons, mostly my lack of self worth.
This time I have found BR. It’s made all the difference. I might conquer this time. Thanks for this incredibly relevant post.
Non,
Oh goodness Honey,15 years is a long time,but please know you are worth more than that…NO CONTACT…..You can do it…….
Brenda
non pareil
don’t say “I might”. Say “I WILL conquer”.
here’s to freedom and good things for you in 2012.
“I conquer…” is even stronger! x
Non….
I know how it is, I haven’t been with the same a**clown, but I have spent the better part of 15 years + years with the same type of guy in a different package.
With this past one (I am 30+ days out!!!) I almost lost ALL of me and when I say that, when he asked if I would supply him with an alibi, I KNEW I HAD TO LEAVE.
I am battling knowing my self worth as you are and not even knowing you, I KNOW you are worth so much more. Keep reading here, it is invaluable information and it always comes on time. If you do the work, you can beat this thing and get all of you, loving you!
I also learned that my Codependency has played a huge role in my decisions with guys. And without even using the same term and language, BR is helping me beat it and becoming a better stronger more confident me!
God bless and to everyone here, have a blessed Holiday from Charlotte, North Carolina-USA!!!
So relevant right now! Thanks Nat, I needed that tonight, I was starting to feel guilty about what I did this week and was so close to contacting him and apologizing! What was I thinking?!
“a Miracle on Assclown Street”! I am waiting to board my plane home for the holidays when I thought I’d check BR and literally Laughed Out Loud when I read that! Hopefully the other passengers don’t think I’m crazy 🙂 Great post Nat!!
HAHAHAHAHA….
I know right!!!!!!!!!!!Nat you could be a comedian…I mean my god only you could think of that….By the way Nat,Mom got me your books for xmas….I am so damn excited!!!
You have no idea how much your articles are helping me heal. I look forward to them every day. I still have a ways to go from the damage he did to me, But I get better and stronger every day. Thank you so much….
I loved the ‘miracle on assclown street’ quip too! Funny. Great post, thanks for writing this, I love the bluntness and tough love approach to your writing. I needed to hear this today, proverbial kick in the ass. Thank you
Nat,I have the 3 month Mark of the Ass Clown dissapearing,And your right He was NEVER that special….
I have been in No contact for about 2 months,I damn near folded the other day,to send a xmas greeting,but I didn’t..
I honestly don’t know what I would have done or where I would be without you and all these Beautiful ladies out there….Oh wait,yes I do,I would still be crying,blaming myself,doing me destructive addiction,and meeting the same Assholes…..But no More!!
I am equipped today with the Knowledge I need for a healthy Man,so no more excuses…I actually have become a bit of a hard ass with my boundaries,expectations….And you know what if they dont like it thats too bad…..Thier just not that special:)……
Brenda
“Check me and my special fried self!”
bwahahaha! Exactly!
Such a great post. I needed to read this right now, too. Yep. He is not that special and I am so glad to be AC free and NC. I wish I had put half that energy into myself that I did that AC. What a f**ker!!!
Ooh, “Check my special fried self” is hilarious. I’m so gonna use that!
I always look forward to these wonderful turns of phrases in these articles. Solid gold!
I’d have to add that “I’M not that special either”. Sometimes I would have a hard time believing they weren’t that into me because I thought I was so goddamn special when I’m not. I realize now it is up to the woman to set standards for herself because most men, even the good ones, will get away with what they can. We have to demand certain treatment and be prepared to walk away immediately if he fails to deliver. For instance, I just started dating again after a long hiatus and was arranging a first date with a fella who called me. I told him he has to pick me up (even though I live really out of the way). He asked me if I have a car and I said yes and waited. After a couple of beats of silence he said “what’s your address I’ll pick you up at 9 on Friday”. Don’t offer them–make them do the work! That is how they know they’ve got someone valuable and that is worth fighting for. In the end that is what both of us want.
Hi feast, I couldn’t help but write expressing my concern (must be the mum in me :-). My alarm bells started ringing when you organized for him to pick you up at your home on the first date. That means he knows where you live before you know if you can trust him or not. It also means you have no way of getting out of a very ordinary/bad date if it goes that way. I would understand if it is a long term friend or your still living at home with the parents but in this day and age it might be safer to meet with them first with your own transport, and save the ‘pick up from home’ thing until you know them a little better.
Jaydee: I had the same thoughts.
Day 1 and a half of no contact from my married assclown. Last time he did this he came back after three months and hit the reset button and I played right into it.
I’m out of dignity right now. I’ve begged, pleaded, called and texted to get him to respond and each time I feel awful because I know it’s a shame how I’m treating myself… It’s so hard when you care so much and they can go on like nothing, just cut you out without any thought.
Im in so much pain right now…
We all know how you feel and it’s awful, just awful but as always time will heal you. I bought Nat’s book – it’s worth every penny and imo I have healed twice as quick. Actually still healing as said before but getting there and I swear I couldn’t have done it without this site and the book. I’m reading it again now which is easier than the first time as my eyes are not filled with tears as much. The words are so powerful in some chapters and made me realise I needed to deal with my abusive (in every way) childhood. You will get there – you will. NO CONTACT – xx
Man, I have a few girlfriends who need to read this. Of course, they would, and immediately think “it doesn’t apply to him,” which stubbornly translates to “it doesn’t apply to me, either.”
“There’s no point in going on about anything that you’re not directly experiencing the positive results of.”
Well said Natalie! I’m very guilty of this. I’ve always been attracted to guys who lead very interesting and successful lives. I don’t say to a friend, “Oh, I’ve met this great guy. He is such a wonderful, warm, caring person. He makes me so happy.” I say: “Oh, I’ve met this guy. He does X for a living and is always in the media”
So, have these guys made me happy? No. One was married to his job; one was just plain married; and the other guy might as well have been married to himself, he had such a large ego.
Why do I do this? I think I do this in the attempt to pump up my poor sense of self-worth and validate my own life. However, basking in the glow of someone else’s “success” is a false economy. Validation has to come from within.
We all need to focus on making our own live’s as happy, fulfilling and successful as possible, and not ride on the coattails of someone else’s life. We also need to keep reminding ourselves that someone else’s outward success, wealth, looks, or visibility in the public eye does not grant them special god-like status. They are human. No better than you or I.
Let’s not settle for being an *extra* in another person’s life. We need to make ourselves the *star* in our own lives!
OMG, this had me hooting with laughter, for I have pranced about in brand new slinky underwear, always been there, been fun, hospitable and entertaining, massaged, waited on and fed somebodies else’s man, stayed in for calls, pined for texts, cried, begged for attention….how nuts is that ?
OMG 🙂
Nat, you are so right. I repeatedly gave the message that he was that ”super-fried” man, however, he was actually a two-faced, lying, cheating, damaging, disrespectful, crumb-throwing, user, who double-dealed and abused me and goodness knows who else, with a smile on his face and his hand on his two-timing heart. How on earth did I give my love to such a snail …………..
18 months of NC and I’m doing well……………………
Big ((((hugs)))) and happy New Year gals
XXX
And the sad thing is, there will always be another woman to fill our position in the inflating the ego game ~ or will there be, my totally no where near special ex AC/EUM only got us a house after visiting the father he had never met to find this man lived alone on a remote island in a filthy house with no friends a dog and having gin flown in to him, the funny thing was, the AC couldn’t see the similarities between this man and him but didn’t want to end up like him!!!! I still got back with him and lived with him for 2
months but couldn’t help thinking at the time that
the apple definitely did not fall far from the tree
at all, carbon copies, talked nothing but BS! I
see the light now and recovered to the point that
I barley care whether he gets his just deserts or
not anymore, the truth is he dislikes himself so much he has to constantly put on this act and get his ego pumped up by his hareme of woman who he manipulates into believing he’s such a great guy! As my sister said, he might be good looking but he’s no George Clooney! He’s a sad old looser without a job who abandoned his kids, his girlfriends and who really doesn’t even like himself, truth be known, but that’s not my problem anymore!
Loving the line ‘check me and my special fried self’ that’s him, what a joke 🙂
So needed to read this. He is not that special!!!, I know that he is not that special!! so why have i pumped his ego engaging in text conversations? no more, he needs to step up his game or flush.
“a Miracle on Assclown Street” made me laugh so wonderfully:0 Thanks for the reminder during the insanity! xo
thanks, brenda, for the reply. Yes, 15 years is embarassingly long. And sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and have panic attacks now that I’m 49 and no closer to a real relationship etc. For most of the years I didn’t think or care about the time I was wasting but now it’s suddenly hitting.because I”m a lot older now than back then..and the fact that all hope has now fizzled out (it should have fizzled out a long time ago). I have so many issues, I’m obviously emotionally unavailable myself…so I hung onto him to avoid even thinking about a real relationship. We’ll see how it goes. I may never have anyone again (which used to scare the crap out of me, and still sometimes does), BUT I’m finally starting to get it that being alone w/ myself, if that’s all I ever get now, is better than being a doormat to an AC.
No such a thing as a too late or too old. Only too unavailable and too afraid to try and to trust again. You can change that. Have faith in God and yourself.
I just want to say thank you. I have been having some serious realizations the last couple of days, and each and every article on your site including this one has drastically changed my mindset over the past several days. Thank you for your very grounding, practical advice. This website is such a blessing, thank you.
Great stuff Natalie. So true. All the crap I took from ex EUM and I kept on delivering with a smile; he must have thought he walked on fecking water! Well, maybe Santa will bring him an inflatable rubber ring for Christmas cos he’ll be needing one now. The more I get that I am special (to me) the less special he becomes, in fact BR is so effective Natalie that I now almost think I am the cat’s pygamas and he is just a tosser! It is so important to knock these men off their pedestals, and you are dead right that the best way to do that is to begin by raising ourselves up in our own eyes. I used to think that loving yourself was similar to vanity – I don’t think so now, and I’d say when you’re trying to deal with these relationships we have to love ourselves as hard and as much as we can, make no apologies for it and don’t hold back piling on the love. We so need it. These AC/EUM types have no problem applying boundaries (like brick walls) as they have no problem with their own self-worth, and all we do is inflate their egos to the size of a planet while we become smaller and smaller as we orbit around them.
So true Fearless, spot on as usual. Thank you for all your comments this year, they have helped me more than I could ever explain (and made me laugh a lot too). I think it’s only right that you should think you are the cat’s pyjamas.
Natalie – BR has truly changed my life and supplied the answers I’ve been looking for for 20+ years. And the empty feeling I carried around and tried to fill with assclowns, alcohol, hare-brained schemes and short-term fixes, is gone, filled with a feeling of peace, strength and comfort. Like you Fearless, I used to think loving yourself meant you were vain but Natalie and the wise women who post here have taught me what it really means and I can’t thank you enough.
Wishing you all a joyful Christmas/holidays and good and happy things for 2012 xxx
Thanks Lizzy. Keep piling on the love. Peace, courage, love and strength be yours this Christmas and in 2012!
I pumped this guy up so much it’s just amazing he didn’t explode … and he is not that great. A short Italian guy with liver spots, chipped teeth and a sagging belly and one that is totally clueless on how to treat and keep a woman. Because of me, he looks in the mirror and sees George Clooney, I see Bozo – a total assclown and one that is not going to get the time of day out of me, not even a peep. Let him bestow his greatness on another woman (hope she is wearing a seatbelt because she is in for one rocky ride). NC all the way.
Finallydidtit
So funny! Mine too was small, now thinning hair and a large beer gut, no oil painting! (I was by far the better looking) but I looked in the mirror and wondered why I wasn’t good enough – he looked in the mirror and saw George Clooney (because of me). Pah.
Can’t resist throwing in a rejoinder here. My ex-EUM was a tubbier, shorter version of Mr Big (dark hair, dark intense eyes) with a baby face (I found this look alluring, unfortunately), breasts and double chin (also didn’t mind it). He kept asking me if he’d lost weight and if he looked better than the year before; I made him feel as if he was untouched by time, like an ageless Greek God or God’s gift to women. How flattering it must have been to have a woman 18 years younger offering herself and swooning over him! Now I see a sad, pitiable, mediocre variation of Dorian Gray. Will never be an AC’s minion again, ever!
Never thought I’d say this but he really isn’t that special! Nat you’re right. I was one of those people that thought I was lucky enough to meet Gods gift, boy was I in for a surprise! I got caught up in his looks, his fabulous job, his cars, his house, his sense of humor blah, blah, blah. Unfortunately, he turned out to be the worst person I have ever dated! I allowed him to damage me with his enflated ego, and narcissistic charm that I ended up finding BR. I totally pumped him up and made him seem more than what he is and ignored the numerous red flags. I know everyone must be tired of reading the same thing from me but I met him, he wined and dined me to the extreme, cooked me dinner, shagged a few times, then invited me out to meet his friends but stood me up and never called again. My lesson is that had I not pumped him up so much and fantasied I would have been able to walk away from this and just say “his loss”. But I’m actually proud of how far I’ve come over the last 10 weeks of NC (although technically he went NC on me) and although I’ve thought about it I have not given in and texted or called him. I’ve suffered in silence and moved on because frankly he doesn’t deserve to know how I feel and he certainly doesn’t deserve me chasing him!
“or to expect a Miracle on Assclown Street …” well that statement alone snapped me back into reality… love it… All the best Natalie and followers… I am a big fan of all you straighten us out about.
“When someone is as great as you claim they are, they’ll be that special without you adding your backing track and vocals to their life…”
Nat, you really have a way with words! As a singer, I love that analogy…you’re right, they’ll reveal themselves to be a decent person (and vice versa) by their actions. The more back-up they need, the more out of tune they are!
Thank you so much!!
I really needed that reminder. I almost bought Mr Assclown a gift.
DUH! Thankfully I put it back down on the shelf when I reminded myself that it was not bloody likely that he would be buying me one!!
As always, a timely reminder of real values, and that who I am and what I am waiting for is worth it.
Thanks for this – I needed it! I have to keep reminding myself that the AC/MM is really NOT that special…just because he goes to church, just because everyone thinks he’s so funny, just because he goes to Lodge and does whatever “good deeds” there. I sometimes have to grit my teeth when I hear people talking about him. I know what he’s really like…but no one else does. He hasn’t contacted me…yet. I realize that’s actually a good thing but then, my self-doubts creep in. But no, he’s really not that special. So, Merry Christmas and here’s to a way better 2012!
Hey Natalie,
This is a very interesting post and made me think, as usual. The last three guys I’ve been involved with via work have all been bad boys, mostly avoided by everybody, except me cos I saw their “worth”. I so pumped them up. I even got the exMM, who was despised because he was a nut case, accepted into my circle. Apparently being a bit nutty myself, I poured my energy into pumping up nutcases. Um, no more. And you are so right, if they’ve got some poor women with no self-esteem pouring all her efforts into building their self-esteem, what’s not to like from a twisted AC perspective. Oh ouch,…”have you quickly slotting back into the old routine, giggling, complimenting me, and fantasying about us being together, I would think I was really that special”. No wonder the exMM walked around thinking he was so special, I told him he was, swooned, and got wobbly school girl knees everytime he glanced my way. Talk about inflating an already inflated ego. I played the perfect FBG. He is just a guy, with a wife and family who he cheated on. Not that special after all, in fact, quite despicable. That was me: “always being fun, hospitable and entertaining, and essentially being an upper and a painkiller escape from my married or attached life, I’d think I was that special. I’d be like “Man! I’m so fricking special, I’ve got two people! Check me and my special fried self!”
Wonder what his special fried self feels like a year later? Probably nothing! Not my worry.
@runnergirl,
Very happy to hear about your journey, progress and dramatic shift in perspective after a year. As a recovering FBG who’s attempting to rebuild her self-esteem, I find your stories, as well as others’ who’ve moved onto a more authentic positive place of healthy self-loving, very inspirational and helpful. Thank you for all your words and wise advice. How great it is to be able to say “that was me”, to let go off the past and integrate real change, to celebrate the rebirth of a new self.
And to Natalie (thank you for all the in depth sharing, tough love, encouragement and creating this space of solidarity) and to all the wonderful women on this site, have a very blessed Christmas. I appreciate and cherish this precious space. Here’s to a better, more beautiful year ahead that’ll be filled with peace and love. xo.
JadeS
Ditto to all of that!
Hey Jade, it’s been a tough road to hoe and I’m still struggling. I’ve been following your posts and you are there. You know how painful it is to let go of the past crap and move on with the future. At some point it just becomes too cumbersome to keep breathing air into them when we need to breathing air into us. GASP. Just to let you know, I’m listening to MY REGGAE and all the songs that started with me and became “ours”. Listening to my music has been like breathing air into me, pumping me up. Love this safe and warm harbor Natalie. Like Jade, I cherish this safe space you have created. I would not have made it through 2011 without you all. It’s time to pump us up.
I really feel stronger after reading this. Natalie you hit it on the head every time! I need to be reminded, “He isn’t that special, at all”! Thanks! Merry Christmas, and a Happy and Blessed New Year!
Natalie – Thanks for another great post, just at a time when I needed it most! The whole cracker analogy is spot on — three months ago I got the “I just don’t see this going anywhere” from a guy I was seeing for about 7 weeks. Though he showed signs of being a decent guy (paid for dates, didn’t Future Fake, complimented me), my self esteem was and is so low that I clung to acts of common courtesy and put him on a giant pedestal. And even now, after he demonstrated that he wasn’t ever really that interested (never once did we acknowledge we had been on a date!), I still find myself searching for what I did wrong because he was jus so great. I ignored the red flags (stood me up – but apologized; rarely if ever called, etc.) because in my mind I made him into this amazing guy who was going to save the day. It’s a daily battle but I am learning to accept that nothing I did could have warranted him treating me poorly — he kept me hanging on for weeks when he knew he was no longer interested. I just refused to accept that he wasn’t the perfect guy. Anyway, thank you for capturing things so well and every blog you write helps a lot of people to stop the nonsense!
Happy holidays.
Thankyou Natalie, firstly , wishing you and you family a blessed Christmas, with an abundance of love, joy and peace in 2012. Bet your girls are so excited.
Recieved no less than 4 texts this week, yes 4 from different EUM.
Now, last year, and before, i would have crazily thought , wow they must be missing me and go into fantasy mode. But as you rightly say, its just a text. Ignored every one of them, without even thinking about it, as one of the other ladies commented the other day , they were just fishing.
I am not about inflating anyones ego any more.
You have opened my eyes and heart, to how destructive my pattern with men was. Ive been all of the fall back girls at one time or another, over the years. My type has definately changed to nice guy from eum. Through the boudries i now have and living with my values. I recognise the eum when they come into my life and quickly flush lol. I am so aware of myself and as a result can no longer be on the bullshit diet snd thats the best gift ever. So thankyou for the lovely gifts each and every week and long may they continue. Merry Christmas and a happy New year to all the lovely readers and may you find the joy, peace and love in abundamce that you so rightly desereve xxx
I’m new to this site, a week or so. I have to say Natalie nails it every single time. I’m not in the UK, in the states, but AC and EUM are everywhere. My god what water have these men been drinking. It’s been almost a week since mine told me “I don’t want to be in a relationship anymore” for the 20th time, yet wants to spend xmas together. I have not returned any calls, or texts, emails. I’m just so tired of “pumping” him up. He’s a frickin JACKHOLE!! Right when I need support the most Natalie’s post shows up in my inbox. THANK YOU NATALIE!! It’s very hard during the holidays to not want to see him, even though I know he is not worthy of me. I know this will sound ridiculous, but I’m going to spend my xmas day redecorating my bathroom. Repainting, new light fixtures, new shower curtains, rugs, and pictures. Eventually I’ll do my entire place over. So no room will remind me of him. My xmas gift to myself. Ladies have a very happy and safe holiday.
Great post…
I’ve been reading this froum for the past 6 months now and has brought myself so far as to register so that I can post here.
Natalie, thank you for this forum. Every single post hits right where it counts. It’s been 6 months since my break-up with Mr Unavailable, but every single post on Mr Unavailables and everything you’ve said in all of them, has been going on in my life for the past 2 years. Him breaking up with me, June this year being the second time, but also having a LOT of other women always on hold in the background of his life. And of course, me always “pumping” him and his bad behaviour up. I am at a stage where my friends and my mom refuse to talk about him due to my incapacity to move on from this man who has caused me 90% hurt and 10% joy over the 2 and a half years. And yes, I keep going on about the 10%, – extremely ridiculous.
The blowing hot and cold has become so much a part of my life, that I nearly started to believe that this is how it is meant to be. I’ve broken all contact off with him since this past Tuesday. This was after he put himself on a dating site, once again, met someone there and is now dating the woman, although he claims it to be an “innocent clean coffee drinking time” with the woman. In the meantime, I am still receiving smses, emails etc. telling me that we should sit and talk things through regarding what “went wrong” between us, “somewhere in the future”, and how “great” I was in bed. But as soon as I want to really DO this, he backs away. He did it again on Sunday evening and when I asked hom to come to my place then so that we can talk, he went out with the new woman on Monday evening and did not answer my smses, my call. I realised that he must be out with her and the next day, the day on which I broke off contact again, he mailed me and confirmed this. I was stunned that he could send me such an e-mail and at the same time tell me it was just an “innocent clean coffee drink”. How stupid does he think I am???
I regard myself as an inteligent, good-looking woman, why I’ve been eating up this man’s nonsense for 2 years, I cannot explain. Of course I love him, but surely all these hurt should have changed that by now? Why am I STILL, after all the hurt he has caused me, hoping that he’ll get his act together and see what he has in me??
I sincerely hope that my participation on this…
From the novel “One” by Richard Bach, speaking of “unconditional love” . “I always imagined that soulmates have an unconditional love, that nothing can tear them apart.” (this was Richard) and his wife states,”Unconditional? If I’m cruel and hateful for no reason, if I stomp all over you, will you love me forever? If I beat you senseless, I’m gone for days, I’m in bed with every man on the street…(and she goes on a bit with more bad behaviors), will you cherish me anyway?” He replies with,” When you put it that way, my love could flicker “…”Interesting, to love someone unconditionally is not to care who they are or what they do! Unconditional love comes out the same as indifference!” Maybe you need to realise that his behaviors towards you are not acceptable and loving and that to take it from him is to be unloving to yourself and prevents his growth as well.Acting on the knowledge and removing yourself from the situation is hard. I, too, thought I could take a lot because my love was so strong. In the end I had to establish boundaries and state my needs and accept that things were NOT acceptable and if he chose to continue as he was that the kind and loving thing was to opt out. Maybe you will see things in a similar way. In accepting bad you are serving no-one. Do not beat yourself up, just move on to better. You can love him from a distance and pray and hope for him, but you don’t have to enable his behavior with you and (as Natalie implied to me) prevent your own growth. If he ever grows and comes around after then you may have a chance for something that is good for both of you. It could happen, but it is not something to put your life on hold for. Know that it won’t happen while you continue as you are. He must face the consequences of who he is. This will take you moving out of the way and stopping yourself from being his barrier to self-knowledge which will be painful but necessary if he is to grow. As Grace has said, he may never take the learning back to you as it would remind him of who he was…but doing the right thing is not doing it for reward; it is doing it because it is the right thing to do. Hope this helps.
Ladyso,
May I suggest NC? It sounds like there’s nothing more you can do to convince this guy that he should pay attention to your dreams. If he’s on a dating site, that means he is on the prowl. Since he is meeting with another woman, that means he is meeting with another woman, not you. I’m recovering of 2 years of being an OW and I’ve found that these guys will take whatever is on offer. Most of my colleagues would describe me as intelligent and many men would describe me as nice looking. That’s simply irrelevant. Don’t spend 2012 waiting for him to get his act toghether as you define it. His act is together as he defines it. He’s out on the prowl, got a woman on the hook, and has you waiting in the wings. It’s up to you now. I’d opt for NC and a New Year. Otherwise, you’ll stay hooked in a dysfunctional situation and become an OW. He’s got you positioned perfectly for OW’ness.
I just read a previous wonderful post ( https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/get-happy-before-you-get-him/ ). I think there still underlying issues about me, and I am guilty of playing my man’s ditsy cheerleader. Yet this is always the most depressing time in my relationships, I think I already sense that things are wrong, and I am trying to cover-up bad behaviour by focusing on and pointing out his good traits.
I have been doing a great exercise in dating that I learned from my therapist; she asked me write down and to visualise MY good traits and ask myself: does he agree? I try to pull out this list and dwell more on it especially when I find that I am still attracting these horrible guys and feeling like there are no good men left ( This Is where I am at at the moment after another one showed up with intensity and then vanished and reappeared in text form).
Happy Holidays to you all and thank you so much Natalie for changing my life!
Aahhh….these posts always bring me back to earth. I have been doing so good these past few months but am starting to feel a yucky but familiar gnawing feeling in my gut. I have recovered from a four year relationship with an abusive AC, it was my epiphany relationship that has been over for a year and a half. Seven months later I got involved with an EUM. I broke it off after five months when I came to terms with the fact it wasn’t going to work. So, now I have been dating a new guy for almost five months. We had an awkward moment two weeks ago when I brought up something that was bothering me ( always last minute plans, rarely spending time together on the weekend). He didn’t respond very well, but we ironed it out. He then asked me if it was okay to consider us boyfriend and girlfriend…..I agreed it was what I wanted too. Tonight I tried to firm up plans with him tomorrow and he got a little irritated with me. I felt like I got misunderstood. He has told me he wished I would ask him to do things more, but when I did it backfired. It seems like every time he has a day off ( he works 5-6 days a week) , he is either busy with someone else, too tired or feeling sick. Friday night and I am sitting here alone. Again. Today was his day off, he was feeling sick today but spent the day helping a friend of his . I said, “I don’t know if you’ll feel better tomorrow but if you do are you available to do something with me (during the day)? He got irritated and said he didn’t know if he’d feel better until tomorrow. I explained that I understood that, but was seeing if he had plans already in place if he was feeling better, and if so I would make other plans. If he had no plans, I wouldn’t commit to other plans until I heard from him in the morning (he said he wanted to hang out this weekend and over xmas but we didn’t have specific plans). I don’t understand it…….he just wouldn’t seem to hear me. Why am I asking him this in the first place? I guess I want him to have more time for me….why is it hard to ask for what we want sometimes without acting like a circus monkey? Or having our words twisted. I feel like I’m in a fog….am I over reacting and being needy or is he managing my expectations?
jennynic
He’s managing your expectations. He put boyfriend/girlfriend “on offer” and now he is trying to retract it. he’s nervous that you expect too much from him.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news as you’ve been doing really well but it can sometimes take a few EUMs before we “get it”.
I’ve also noticed that they can disappear around christmas – they’re afraid you’ll want to meet their families or something.
It’s a huge warning sign when you feel as though you’re begging for time to see a man. it’s a bit sexist but I feel that in the early days of dating it should be the other way round! He shouldn’t be begging exactly but you should feel as though he is keen. It’s an oldfashioned term but there’s something to be said for “wooing” and “courting”.
He sounds like my ex fella!! (EUM) he would have a rant because “im always the one asking to see you” but then when i asked to see him he’d get all het up!! what a plank! and when it was his birthday i said id drop his gift round to which he replied “i cant see you on my birthday, im too busy” weird?! very! too busy for me to drop some gifts round – i later found out he went to a comedy club that night with loads of people, some of which he didnt even know that well, which he’d arranged a week before (and i wasnt invited) thats when i went NC on him, it suddenly become crystal clear that he wasnt going to commit 🙂 anyway sorry for rambling about mu situation but it does sound similar… make YOUR own plans and let HIM fit himself around you, dont cancel your plans or hold out just incase he can see you, its realy not worthit, hopefully you’ll then have an epiphany as i did 🙂 hope that sort of helps :S xxx
Jennynic,
you have this icky feeling for a good reason. You are not being needy at all. How would you expect anybody to react if you were the one making plans with people in this way? Bet you wouldn`t treat anyone like this. If he cared for you he would say: “I`m not feeling well, but want to see you. Would you mind if we just veg out together? I`ll understand if you want to make other plans” and he would actually be disapponted if you did make other plans. People in relationships all over the world spend time together when they are not feeling great.
What he is doing is not straightforward and having had this vague, slippery, confusing thing going on in my last relationship, I would just flush, sorry. It will not get any better by working out why he is behaving like this. Don`t think you are pushing too hard. You are not. Don`t wait or beg for his crumbs.
Putting off making plans hoping he will slot you in at the last minute is a big red flag. This guy can’t commit to next Saturday, how can he commit to a relationship?
He’s setting the pace and wants things on his terms…read Nat’s articles on being and option, and boundaries:
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/why-youre-nobodys-option/comment-page-1/
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/12-core-boundaries-to-live-by-in-life-dating-relationships/
I agree with the others. I’d go NC if I were in your shoes. I’ve been the route of begging a man to see me, crying, calling, asking…all of it. It makes you look ridiculous. He sounds like a cold assdouche to me and trying to make it all on his terms. Gah, where are the guys that don’t do that? Next!
Thank you all for the replies. We did talk this morning but he was kind of snappy at me again. I understand he is sick and grumpy , but he was snappy at me while I was asking him if he needed anything, but he accepted the offer anyway. He is legitimately sick but he didn’t need to be mean. We briefly talked about our conversation last night, but he still wasn’t hearing me and just twisted up my words. My feelings are really hurt, I really wasn’t expecting this from him. I didn’t sit home and sulk though. A friend invited me to eat a holiday lunch with him and his family……..I did and they welcomed me completely.
Aside from this, it is xmas and I won’t wake up and waste the holiday thinking about him. This is exactly what I needed to hear. Wow, Thanks for that. Peace to everyone!
Jennynic, Try if you can to really get back to what you want: Do you really want to hang out with (or not as the case may be) a guy like this? He doesn’t sound especially interesting or engaging or caring. This may not change even if you spend more time with him – he sounds like he gets sullen and moody anyway, and I am not sure how sustainable that is.
In any event, try not to become fixated on the smaller issue of whether and to what extent he is being unreasonable etc. Look at your own feelings. You have stated what you want and he has decided not to honour this. Like Grace said, the guy is the one who sets the tone of the relationship in the early days. I understand that he is busy, but I’ve been with busy guys: the healthy ones made me feel special and connected to them even while we were apart; the EUMs quite the opposite. You get to choose what you accept. Don’t train him. Just state why you don’t feel like it’s working out and wish him the best, in the most frank manner you can muster. It’s not working for you, plain and simple. Don’t feel too bad about this. I’ve had two short, non-starter relationships this year, with guys who were both workaholic, cold, controlling types. Had to learn that twice!
Yes Elle, I do need to put the focus back on what I want and see the whole picture. What I’ve realized about this relationship and my hopes connected to it is that he has been attentive in many ways and ticked many of the boxes of what I want but yet he feels distant. He calls me every night, with texts throughout the day. He isn’t a liar. He has similar values as me. He doesn’t drink or do drugs, he isn’t a pothead. He does special thoughtful things for me. He has been everything my last two guys weren’t and I thought that maybe, finally, I met a good guy. I am on red alert for assclown behavior but not really taking serious the unavailable signs in front of me. He is a sensitive, caring guy but I don’t understand his moods and need more of his heart for this to work. He said that I am the most guarded woman he’s ever met, so I have a feeling my walls have been hard to scale too. In my own mind I feel open for a relationship but maybe I am hiding behind too much armor. I’m still miles ahead of where I used to be.
just wondering jennynic, if he was consistent in his behaviour, rather than giving you mixed messages, would you perhaps be less guarded with him?
Read “He’s Afraid She’s Afraid” by Steven Carter. He sounds like a commitmentphobe.
Sushi,
He has been consistent in calling me, being on time, showing up, remembering dates, etc…but hot and cold with his mood and yeah, I think that has kept me guarded. He says I am very hard to read and that he never knows quite how to proceed with me. I say the same of him. He completely denies being hot and cold with me and accuses me of it. We are at a stalemate.
Jennynic, hot and cold is not consistent. Your situation rings like my last relationship. There was so much good in it (especially when I compared with previous) that the off bits seemed odd and confusing and I questioned my perceptions and judgement as a result. My ex told me that he felt I only had one foot in the relationship. He was right, I did, but I know for sure that the cause of it was all the red and amber and vagueness from him. I stayed till I worked out the cause of everything that bothered me and till I knew I couldnt fix it and he roped me back in enough times for me to see that nothing will ever change. The upshot is: I couldn`t be happy with someone who had a misstress in a form of an addiction, and managed and controlled me and was selfish.In the beginning I didn`t know it was alcohol, but it felt like something was wrong and the good bits and the off bits just didn`t feel right together, It would have made no difference to the outcome if I left after the first three months on the strenth of stuff you are describing or as I did in the end after nearly a year. I feel I just wasted time and let him beat my confidence down. I remember a good relationship I had, there were NO DOUBTS and NOTHING to figure out, nothing to doubt myself over, it just all felt good. I don`t want to put doubts in your head, but if you just trust yourself and not be afraid of the outcome you`ll make a good decision.
That’s how things got with the last guy I saw: his controlling, official and sometimes critical nature, made me feel unloved, unsettled and less open, and so he would then feel, on some level, wrong and not accepted for who he is, leading to more withdrawing from him, and then me redirecting myself towards the other parts of my life. Not a good scene, but one I wasn’t able or willing to turn around, even though the fact that he was and is also very kind, honest, impressive, reliable, funny and conscientious made it momentarily harder to know what to do. It comes down to what Nat says about getting and feeling the joy of the relationship as a whole. What I have learned is that someone can be, as you say, a ‘good guy’, even your ‘soul mate’, but something in the dynamic between you and the timing mean that it just doesn’t work. It’s structural. It’s unfortunate and frustrating, but, in a way, you can accept it better if you recognise that you’re either not compatible or in the right space for the relationship to thrive. It also does not mean that this person wasn’t/isn’t very good for you; it just might not be lasting.
Thanks Elle and Sushi for sharing that. He told me he had a tragic childhood event in his life years ago that still hovers over him like a cloud and that he has struggled to learn how to cope with but that he still gets moody and depressed over it. The moodiness has really come out over the holiday. It has been confusing really because when I point out that he has hurt my feelings, he said he told me that December is a hard month for him and that I hurt his feelings by not understanding that. Part of me wants to comfort him but the other part of me says “that’s not really fair.” The Florence in me is examining this, believe me, but the sane side of me is seeing this as an obstacle for his availability….one that he keeps alive because it’s what he identifies with. If I am really honest…..I think he feels sorry for himself and uses this childhood tragedy as a blanket excuse for his inability to deal with his emotions and distance.
I agree with you both….It comes down to what I want and if this kind of difficulty is something I want to live with. I bring my own issues to the table which are coming to light also. I am extremely guarded and come across and unemotional and uninterested. His moodiness put my guard up more….he then saw me as uncaring, kind of like you described in your past situation, Elle. Too much difficulty for an early relationship…..I agree. And Sushi…..I think this guy’s ‘addiction’ is his pain from the tragedy he won’t move past. Although he is a nice person…..he most likely isn’t ready for this. This is another bend in the learning curve for me.
Great article and very true.
Thank you SO much for this timely post. After 2 months of NC by me I was tempted to phone my ex and wish him a Merry Christmas because it IS Christmas after all.
This is the man who doesn’t call me for over a month, after agreeing to getting together to talk about things after I suddenly broke things off with him – “I could see you tomorrow afternoon” and then doesn’t call for another 4 weeks plus! Then he leaves a message about how sorry he is about taking so long to call and how he’s in such a sh*tty space right now but how he’d still like to talk to me but understands if I don’t now…And the night before he calls me, I notice that he’s back on Plenty of Fish, trolling around.
This is when I’m grateful for the whole No Contact concept. I know that chances are, he is feeling sorry for himself, that he’s been checking out his options on a dating website and maybe – just maybe – he’s realizing that he had it pretty good with me. But that’s just it – he’s checking out his options and like Nat says – don’t let anyone make you an option! It’s really all about him and nothing about me.
Silence is the best thing at this point. As much as I would like to have things back to where they were at the beginning, when our “relationship” held such promise and optimism, I know I have to move on and let go. He’s on a dating website, but I’m definitely not ready for that just now. I’m planning on nurturing myself and practising “Extreme Self-Care” in the Cheryl Richardson mode and figuring out why I continue to attract these AssClowns into my life…I have to believe that I deserve the love, respect, care and trust that Nat says we all deserve to have. I know it’s out there!
Prairie skies, it seems that you and me are in exactly the same boat. If you read my post higher up, you’ll see why I say so. All of the best to you and keep the no contact up. I have a feeling that’s the only thing that will get me my dignity back and getting me healed from this man forever.
Ladyso
Hi Ladyso,
I read your post above and can relate! I’m sure if I had contacted my ex he’d be doing the same thing yours is. I can hear it now: “Just a coffee date!”
Look after yourself and totally engage in No Contact no matter what. This guy isn’t into you at all. He’s checking out his options. You deserve better. Believe that and it will happen. Cut your losses and move on and don’t look back. That’s what I’m trying to do. Put the energy out there for someone who is deserving!
Natalie, thanks for this wonderful post. I laughed several times reading it, your description is all so familiar and sounds like you’d been observing me and making a transcript of all my actions! This has really opened my eyes in helping me to understand the messages I was transmitting through my feminine good little woman doormat behaviour, the role *I* played in fluffing his ego, treating him like an emperor who could do no wrong.
“Every single thing you do in an effort to ‘win’ someone who isn’t engaging in a mutual relationship with you inflates them. You’re dwarfing yourself and making them into something mighty”.
First I complained, got angry and wrote him 2 long letters explaining why he was a selfish bastard, telling him I was over him, then backtracking on my words and saying that I’d always be there, ended up apologizing for being too demanding, put up with being stood up, got involved with someone else and regressed back into missing and seeing him again. I was that romantic fool who’d send outpourings of love and adoration, when I got a “whats up w u” text. I told him he was the most desirable man I’d ever laid my eyes upon and no one else had ever made me feel this way. Now is it any wonder why he hung around? I didn’t behave in a credible way and it’s quite humiliating to recall, the only thing I want to do now is to retreat and rebuild the shattered self-esteem as I feel like a doormat who’d let some wild animal piss all over. No wonder he had all these grandiose fantasies and an inflated sense of self-importance, because of the way I treated him! He’d the audacity to ask me several times if I would go over to his place at midnight, when he knew my partner was staying with me. Why? I guess I had given him carte blanche to do/say anything he liked, with no regards for rules of human decency or consideration. I think I was a little player in his narcissistic harem, one of the many female acquaintances who gratified him this way by waiting and wanting (on top of all the glamour and recognition that came along with his professional position.. a definite recipe for breeding a mega arrogant AC).
The guy I was with is definitely the type of person who is generally placed on a pedestal by many individuals around him. Everyone seems to let him get away with everything and his friends often look up to him/don’t show up to things if he’s not present etc. It’s like he has this hold over everyone, it’s pretty fascinating stuff. Anyways, that’s why I felt so great putting him in his place lol. He has another girl that allows herself to be used by him for his benefit (unfortunately I only realized this when it was too late) and I loved telling him that I refused to be his doormat or someone that he would run to when he was bored and lonely. I did pick up on insecurities displayed by him and/or wanting his ego stroked/looking for compliments etc while I was “with him.” He would fish for them sometimes, but I thankfully never gave them! At least I did one thing right haha. I’ve always disliked it when people are obviously baiting another individual, searching for adoration and or compliments. I’ll give them when and if I see fit thank you very much.
Thank you once again, Natalie, for keeping us on the straight path. 🙂 On this Christmas Eve, as every other day, I appreciate you greatly and everything you do through Baggage Reclaim.
Ditto!
Merry Christmas to you, Nat, and to all the wonderful women who read and post here. In 2012 may we each find the love for ourselves that we’ve been needlessly pumping into these inflatable ass clowns.
I’m struck dumb by this post. What an eyeopener! So simple, yet I can’t stop shaking my head in wonderment. Talk about when the student is ready the kick-ass teacher will appear.
You bloody rock, NML. Thanks.
Timely post for me also..
I’ve realised that I was that my relationship, I was the girl who EU… he would be doing all the chasing ,calling, clinging, pumping up ,had no boundaries etc and I was keeping my options open. I kept him around incase I didn’t meet anyone else as my biological clock was ticking loudly. He is very smart, kind , caring , amazing job, lots of lovely friends – all the things you could ever want – but whatever he did, wasn’t enough for me .
I wanted passion and fireworks and to be madly in love with him – which I thought i wasn’t.
But when he finally stood up to my bad behaviour and dumped me – the tables turned. I could suddenly see how horrible I’d been, had treated him badly and that he was very serious about wanting to marry me. I then put HIM on a pedestal and until recently , spent the best part of 2 years chasing him , pumping him up , endless talking about him and what an idiot I’d been.
It has been 6 weeks NC but I am checking my phone and email to see if there is a xmas message from him.
I found out that I need surgery yesterday and will need a couple of weeks recovery time in v early Jan and have been thinking that ‘if only he knew – he may want to get in touch … he may want to come and care for me’…. pretty pathethic really but I can’t get the idea out of my head…. Need to keep strong…
Lou
Don’t blame yourself too much. There can be some odd dynamics when you deal in EU relationships (whether he’s EU, you’re EU or you both are). I’m slightly sceptical that he DID really want to get married because if he did, and he was that amazing, why not just find a nice girl who wants to get married (please don’t tell me that’s in short supply!) rather than pursue someone who kept rejecting him?
You, also, only really wanted him when he didn’t want you. I’ve been there – when I wasn’t that bothered until I got dumped. Then I suddenly was bothered. Maybe it’s not so much him you love but the fact that you can’t stand rejection (even when it was you who did most of the rejecting).
Now you’re trying to win someone over via your surgery – that’s questionable.
I think this relationship has become too unpleasant and screwed up to be worth pursuing. Time to let it go.
Grace, I really grateful for your comments .
I am caught up in the trap of blaming myself. I am looking back and thinking how stupid I have been. I was very badly hurt in a previous relationship where I was left high and dry in a nightmare scenario by someone who turned out to be dreadful human being. I began counseling to break down what happened and then built myself up again. The first real relationship afterwards was with this guy. I think that the barriers were up so high as I subconsciously didn’t want to get hurt again.
The cruel twist of fate was that I had just started opening up , being vulnerable and falling for him after I got back from an extended trip. He realised that he’d been suffering from low self esteem and we started communicating properly and it all was starting to work…but then it was torn apart. That is the part that I am stuck on … I could have had everything I wanted – it was there on platter but I blew it.
I should blame him too for reading my stuff which means that he was looking for something… but it was my fault.
Agree that it is that it got unpleasant in the past few months when he claimed that he wanted to get back together but then changed his mind. It is not a black and white situation but I feel that there were touches of cruelty there and can’t understand why he would have come back only to change his mind.
He is a very smart person – but pehaps not emotionally…
Lou
I can kind of relate to your story. I dated a man for over four years that pretty much chased after me the whole time. I took advantage because it was the first time ever a man adored me the way he did. He had tons of friends, great family, loved me, wanted to marry me, good job, caring, etc etc etc. I wasn’t into him. And it was not because he adored me. I was not attracted to him in any way. But after a bunch of crap happened he finally hit the road. Boy would you have thought he was Adonis after that. I flipped 180 and dragged him into therapy with me, said I’d marry him, have his children, bla bla bla. Went batty!! Needless to say it all finally fell apart. He’s long gone and last I heard he’s dating an older woman with kids of her own. Good for him. When I have a moment of sadness over the demise of that relationship, I quickly remind myself, yes, I do miss what all we did together and how good to me he was, but I’d rather someone else have him than me when I could not even stand the way he smelled. I can tell you there was something going on with him if he was chasing after you all that time and you were EU.
I found myself wondering sometimes why he would let me treat him that way and why he’d stay with me when he knew I was not attracted to him. But it’s all water under the proverbial bridge now. If I were you and as hard as it obviously is, leave him alone. It took me two texts some time ago to this man to finally leave him be.
Wow Coloro,
You said a lot in this post. I am totally struck by everything you said but most struck by this comment: “I found myself wondering sometimes why he would let me treat him that way and why he’d stay with me when he knew I was not attracted to him”. I don’t have the answer to your question other than to answer your question with a question (a lawyer thingy): Why would anybody stay with somebody who isn’t really there? Didn’t you stick with a MM when he made it clear he was married and that wasn’t going to change?
Don’t mean to be harsh or mean, just wondering? I stuck like glue to the exMM for 2 years. He’s still married and celebrating another Christmas with his wife and family, not me! It’s okay this year. Although he has gorgeous hair at 50, he has a giant beer gut. Worse, he’s married. Flush. He smelled okay, I think.
“He smelled okay, I think.”
I figured he would smell like a rat!!!
runnergirl,
ex mm never said anything about leaving or staying with his wife. We maybe talked about her and his marriage less than five times??? He made it out like his marriage was not that big of a deal then he would throw out that he was married and bla bla bla i’m not getting into the whole what he said again. But yeah his actions show me NOW as I’ve not heard anything from him in a month that he is staying with her. I imagine the smelly guy I dated hung around hoping I’d change just like I hoped MM would burst into Mr. Sunshine of My Life. But no. He turned into Mr. Vanished and Staying With the Wife.
Hey Coloro,
I hear you. No matter how much I pumped him up in order to get him to see how great I was, I just ended up pumping him up at my expense. Here’s the thing I think I’ve realized, I can spend the energy I spent on him on me. It’s actually ended up a similar senario: I have to fight to win me over. Thus, my struggle is with me not a “him”. I’m still pondering your question as to why he would let you treat him that way. I’m thinking these married AC’s must be wondering why we would allow them to treat us as optional doormats. I guess it’s cos we used to allow it?
LoJ is right. A MM who cheates on his wife and uses a FBG to meet his needs, smells like a rat because he’s a rat. THAT is a smelly dude. LOL, LoJ. Check and mate, lady. I’ll be plugging my nose.
but coloro
his marriage should have been a big deal TO YOU. he really doesn’t get to call the shots.
anyhow, today I spent christmas with a family including an elderly couple. the husband is getting quite forgetful and every so often his wife would touch his face to reassure him. then she piped up when the conversation turned to marriage “he’s always been faithful to me. for 66 years”.
Love.
color, runner, lou:
I’ve had the same thoughts. The ex with whom I lived overseas for two years and was with for almost six was loving and devoted, and I was not into him. Nor was I into the guy I was with for the three years before that. In both cases, I wasn’t physically attracted, but they were good at finding out my needs and then being good ego strokers when I was totally unable to sustain my own healthy self esteem.
Both of them ought to have asked themselves why each would stay for years with a woman they knew wasn’t attracted. The first ex did start asking himself such; the second got into a relationship and married within a year after our break (while still contacting me) and has not done that work.
I often miss the comforts of the six-year relationship but really, why didn’t he choose better for himself? Why did he try so desperately to convince me? Like us, both my ego-pumping exes were going about getting their senses of manhood and self-esteem the wrong way; making it about winning me over instead of working on the issues that they had (and that they tried to hide from me).
Runner, “I have a fight to win me over.” So well put. I’m still working on it. I am SO tough to convince sometimes. But the love and patience and endurance and forgiveness that we showed to the ACs we tripped over ourselves to convince is what we need to bring to our campaign to open our own hearts to our own lovability and commitment-worthiness.
Merry Christmas everyone.
Lou, If you had treated him well following your initial EUW state (and I don’t see how you had the time to work on the issues of why you’d treat someone shabbily) and it took 2 years and he still wasn’t comfortable with you, then ultimately it appears he no longer was in love, and I wonder if it ever was love for you in a healthy way for him (as Grace implied, he may have been an EUM to your EUW) or simply the “chase” til he walked, and you came running and reversed the dynamics. Sounds like a lot of drama. I hope your surgery comes out well. If nothing else, you have learned not to treat another human unkindly and keep them on a leash as your option and you learned how it felt right quick. May you keep educating yourself on how to conduct loving relationships and to treat yourself and others with kindness and recognise behaviors that will prevent true intimacy. Your biology shouldn’t run how you behave with others. There are alternatives than keeping someone around as your potential sperm-donor. For many of us, love for another is a quest for peace and kindness within the relationship. The mundane, boring (for some) is the wonderful for such as me. Give me a good cuddler, a reliable and trustworthy friend who is my mate, a relationship of comfort versus never knowing WTF was coming next…whew…so glad I’ve shed that sh#t. At any rate, who knows what the future holds…just do your best…that’s all any of us can do at any given time.
When I was little I got for Christmas a blow up Bozo the Clown doll that stood about 4ft tall. (Bozo the Clown is a character similar to Ronald McDonald of McDonald’s here in America, he has a cartoon show on tv). My dad used that exact kind of tire pump to pump him up. I roared with laughter when I read “Miracle on Assclown Street”, I immediately pictured my ex’s face on that old Bozo the Clown doll and recalled the Bozo Doll exploding when I pumped too much one day. Oh if it was only that easy.
Merry Christmas Nat and to your family and to all the ladies on BR. Here’s to staying strong in 2012.
MaryC,
“I immediately pictured my ex’s face on that old Bozo the Clown doll and recalled the Bozo Doll exploding when I pumped too much one day. Oh if it was only that easy”.
That had me absolutely snorting with laughter – thank youfor conjuring up such a vivid and amusing mental picture! 😀
Happy Christmas to everyone here on BR, especially Natalie and the “regulars” from around the world who have shared so many of their experiences and their thoughts. Like so many have posted on here, I too am incredibly grateful for this wonderful space that Natalie has created which continues to be such a massive support to those of us who are striving to make a different and much more fulfilled and happy life for ourselves. Onwards and upwards!
I loved the part about not being an “extra” in someone’s life! It fits because one of my exes was an actor/singer. He was kind of the star of his own show: he certainly didn’t need me to make him feel special.
I finally worked it out that the 2 things that were even attractive to me about this man were his looks and his job. I’m ashamed to say that…very superficial things. Because his personality was terrible. If I complained about things in my own life in any way, he put me down. But I had to hear stories about how people were gunning for his position at work, or how he had to work extra hours, etc. I listened and I was there to say, “poor you.” Thankfully, I am not there any more!
Wow, thank you so much for that. Woke up today missing my ex, but I’m not gonna waste this holiday thinking about her. This was exactly what I needed to hear!
I too find your post eye-opening, albeit a little too late 🙁 I pumped up this guy at work who sought me out. Everyone sang/sings his praises and when I tried NC when he shut me out the day after my birthday, he came around to bait me back. I went back to pumping him up but when he got tired of it this time, he reported that I was bothering him. As young as he is (32), he knows how get people to feel sorry for him as the victim. I now know that had he cared about me just a little, even as a friend (obviously none at all and I was way wrong) he’d have faced me (though he always refused to when I asked to clarify things). People who think him so sweet and such a gentleman are defending him saying he’s shy and quiet and didn’t know what else to do. We run into each other in the hallways and he makes faces at me. Why? Because I stopped acknowledging he exists and he expects me to say hello/goodbye, laugh, anything to pump him up. He once told me that he is cynical and if he can justify doing something, then it’s OK. I feel like quite the idiot for contributing to the amazing sense of worth he has of himself. Everyone is in shock that he’d do something like this; they say I did nothing but be too nice to him, baking and cooking for him and he never refused anything from me. The good thing is that we were never in a relationship away from work. Can’t imagine what else he’s capable of when not in public! Glad I dodged a bullet. Reading this post now, after this happened last week, brought it all home for me. Thanks Natalie!!! Hopefully the next time I meet someone, I’ll be better about how NOT to inflate someone’s ego if they’r enot willing to give something back.
MRB, Reading all you wrote, all I can think is that that is one dangerous man. Watch your back. He’s already stabbed you once; it could have cost you your job. Sounds like your workplace is full of folks getting in each others affairs. Be careful.
leisha
yep, is it a flippin place of work or a soap opera?
i no longer get involved with any of that shizz at work. boundaries people!
This guy was telling me all this stuff about who he was and what had done for his ex-girlfriend, blah, blah, blah, and how he couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t take him back, and right on cue, I started imagining what a great, romantic, perfect, guy he was in my head, and I started pumping him up, but then a few conversations later, he said some things that made me think: this guy is either really arrogant or really delusional. Then it made me think about all the fantasy-based pumping up that I have done over the years.
I began to see how I was saying things to be nice to people, but I was going way overboard, and I didn’t intend for them to devalue me as a result, but some of them definitely have. I was trying to make them feel good about themselves, and that made me feel good to do it…to make them feel good, but now I have learned that I am not responsible for their feelings…to mind my own business…stop trying to change people…boundaries, boundaries, and more boundaries…don’t need external validation as I used to because I love myslef 24-7, now.
This post helped me to solidify everything in my mind, and it added some new insights.
Thanks Natalie!!
Merry Christmas Everyone! 🙂
Right on, sista!! WOOOO HOOOOO!!!!
I had a great 3 year realtionship destroyed by his grown daughter and his family. She is a head case and believe me, I am not the only one who thinks this. She thinks she is better than EVERYONE! He would not stand beside me and let them keep me from all family functions, because he did not want to be kept from seeing his grandchildren, so I told him to hit the door. After 2 years apart and one year not even seeing him, although we talked occasionally, when HE would call, he shows up at my door with a bottle of wine saying he wanted to check on me and wish me a Merry Christmas. My heart did not flutter and I felt kind of dead inside. He said he regrets everything he did to me everyday and that he will always be there in two seconds if I ever need him. He said he has learned some major lessons. He has been living with a girl and working in her company. He made no attempt to get sexual. He just looked very sad. I know I do not need to look back but it is hard.
shari
he may not have tried to be sexual but he’s tapping you for something – he wants to ease his conscience, he wants an ego stroke/reassurance, or wants you as an option. Two years he’s been dipping in and out of your life.
his looking incredibly sad does not make him any less dangerous to your mental wellbeing.
he’s living with someone, it’s simply inappropriate for him to turn up at his ex’s with alcohol, feeling sorry for himself. ignore him and his plaintive cries. you sound like a sweet girl. I am not so sweet – he’s being ridiculous.
grace, the wine had me going “uh oh”…add that plus girlfriend plus old flame and ya have trouble. I think your assessment is spot on. Merry Christmas to ya Lady…have a fine New Year.
These posts are great and keep coming; I wish somebody had told me this stuf earlier!!! fI went through all of this stuff this past year. I got to 44 years of age and was still ‘pumping him up’ I can see where I went so wrong. Nightmare on Assclown Street is hilarious!!! now I ve got fire in my belly!!!!
I went through counselling and nobody told me this stuff!! i had to go through a deep heartbreak last christmas to find this site, I was like a zombie afterwards like I’d come off some sort of a drug! and finally Im finding me
THANK YOU! This post has the BEST timing! And it had me laughing the entire time. I have been SO guilty of pumping up and thanks to this post I see the damage I was causing myself. “There’s no point in going on about anything that you’re not directly experiencing the positive results of. ” OMG! Exactly!
The pump station is officially closed!!!!!
To Natalie and all the readers Thank you for sharing your experiences. Merry Christmas to all of you and a wonderful New Year. We will start this New Year being so much stronger and wiser!!!!
I’m laughing too. Pump station closed! They can get their ego strokes elsewhere.
Boxing day is traditionally a movie day- and the only movie I want to see (if it existed!) is Mr Unavailable and The Fallback Girl!
Special fried self..lol! Im gonna borrow that one, NML. Merry Christmas everybody!
Great post.
Yeah, if you’re out in the desert and someone offers you a cracker, guess what? You are still going to need water eventually!
There are so many great posts tonight. Molly, your post made me laugh and cry. It’s all about the water. Nothing grows without water and you can’t force them to provide water. At some point, it’s time to provide my own water. The AC’s I’ve hooked up with haven’t got a drip of water to spare.
Everytime I post late at night, Ziggy Marley comes on with “I’ve got to be true to myself”. The dude is haunting me. “I don’t care if it hurts, I’m tired of these lies and these games”. “Got to be true to myself.”
Thanks for this great site Nat. This Christmas ladies, lets give ourselves the gift of honoring ourselves and not being ANYONES victim! I will also say (in the spirit of Nat’s ‘are you future faking yourself’) that before we say one more word about the lies that AC’s and EUM’s tell us, how they manipulated us, played and fillet us, we HAVE to sit down and be real about how we lied to, manipulated, and play OURSELVES first! We play games with our own minds so when a AC/EUM comes along doing the same, it fits like and and glove. We get with a man that told us out the gate that he was married, attached, or didnt want a relationship, we pursue it anyways, then we get mad and play victim when after 2,3,4,5,6….10 years we realize that he was married, attached, or didnt want a relationship. Didnt he way that at the start!? We cant blame nobody but ourselves for that! We were looking for a fantasy and he sold us a fantasy….so whats the problem? Lets be real ladies, if a man can go WEEKS and MONTHS without contact of any form from you, without seeing how you are doing, without hearing your voice, you already know that you are not a real factor to him and in his life. The reason dont matter, all you need to know is that he is not your guy, if he was, he wouldnt be your subject matter post after post on BR. No matter how long we have known him, slept with him, or how many kids we had with him. Its time to put on the big girl panties ladies.
See, when we walk in truth and realness with ourselves; who we are, where we are at, what we have to offer, and what we deserve, a man can come to us with lies and manipulation, but we will recognize it and keep it moving because that crap cant reside in our vessel. We wont ‘wait’ to see what HE decides (which is to play us again). This is OUR LIVES, a gift from God to each one of us and we are the captain of our individual vessels. Who we are and our worth is a declaration, not a question or a request….dont nobody get no vote on who I am. This is where knowing who the heck we are comes in handy. If we are authentic within ourselves (thanks Nat!) then we realize that AC/EUM’s lie, manipulate, use, scheme because liars, manipulators, users, and schemers not because we are not worthy. He ego, low self esteem, low confidence, lack of character, ethics, honesty, communication, interest, lack of manhood is…
I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE this post!!! This is so incredibly true!
Who pumps US up? Who tells us how wonderful WE are? Not the AC! I have been soooo guilty of doing these things. Looking for any excuse to run back and try again, bc surely this time will be different. This time he knows how great I am. This time he will be nice. This time he won’t call me names, kick me out of his house or leave me somewhere without a way home.
That time will never come because he is not that special. It IS hard to admit I was wrong. I thought I saw so much good UNDER the bad. I believed that he was a shining knight under all the shit and I just had to chip away at it. What an idiot I was!
I am so glad this post came out right now. I am so grateful to have finally stopped giving myself to a person who is in my opinion (now!) a sociopath.
Thanks Natalie! Happy Christmas Everyone!
Zing! You got me straight on with this one. I had to laugh — which I think is a good sign. Thank you.
This also makes me grin in wry recognition that this was me a year or two ago! It’s one of the biggest messages I have taken on, that someone isn’t that special, and out of the light of impossibility and into the light of self-esteem and time-passing, no one is!
Best wishes to you and your family, Natalie. As I duck out to family lunch, I am super grateful for you and this site. Much love
Groundhog Day
My ex EUM done exactly the same thing to me, when I questioned him as “where is this going” he said “I’m always suggesting stuff for us to do, why don’t u suggest something” as soon as I did he was always “busy” or “can’t make that day/date”. This in itself is was major red flag but I still continued with him.
Annie40
I relate to you also because I dated someone for approx 7 weeks and instead of him saying he was no longer interested he strung me along until I became confused and wondered what the hell I did wrong. Whenever I spoke to him he was always as nice as pie but his actions said something different! Why do these type of men exist! It just shows how weak and coward they are. I spent many days and nights thinking what did I do wrong. However I’ve stopped feeling this way everything makes sense to me now. I pumped that guy up to the ceiling but never again! Stay strong ladies! 🙂
Did we date the same guy??? Ha-Ha! The same thing happened to me. I had no clue where the dating thing was going after 11 weeks and so I asked him. He complained about always having to pick what to do on a date. When I made suggestions, he didn’t want to do it or was busy etc. How sad it makes me now to see how blind I was.
I was also going through a period of extreme loneliness. Starving for attention and affection. So it could have been that my frame of mind was affecting my judgement. I didn’t want to let go. Thank goodness for this baggagereclaim site. I read a little bit every morning just to keep me focused on being a better woman!
Thanks, Nat, so true. But what do we do if this has been true in our lives, how do we deal with the pain and the hurt, and the hurt we’ve inflicted on others in the course of our trek to make this unworthy person the center of our universe, and the boat load of aftermath?
Merry Christmas to all, and indeed, here’s to a much better new year
This article was great! I recognized myself right away! Although I’m not in that relationship anymore, this was a great reminder. I have a roommate going through this. I was wondering how I could tell her to stop putting him on a pedestal, because he does not pay any attention to her at all. She thinks she knows everything and it’s hard to get through to her. Maybe I’ll read this article to her!
Michelle
Its amazing how many times I have thought that some of the ladies on this site dated the same guy as me! After all he did tell me that he dated loads of women but couldn’t find one to settle down with, and of course I thought I would be the exception to his shady rules! Keep up NC even when you want answers because he won’t tell you anything you want to hear. 🙂
I so needed to read this. Today of alll days on Christmas day I’m sitting thinking – he (my ex MM) hasn’t even text me to say ‘Merry Christmas’. I’m wasting my focus on Christmas Day even giving him a moments thought, i.e. making him more important than he actually is!
Stupidly I’d thought about texting him to say Merry Christmas as I don’t want to appear mean, but why the hell should I!
Love to you all you strong ladies and this site who’ve been such a great support to me. Peace! :0) xxx
Wow! Great topic! I so needed this. I’ve been trying to push my Mr. Unavailable out of my life ever since I found this blog. Every topic fuels my fight that much more.
I’ve been so guilty of this – making him the center of my universe when I’m barely a molecule in his. I would set aside time if he said he wanted to see me only for him to cancel on me at the last minute. I’d lump it and forgive him and accept his excuse and promises to make it up to me.
He so doesn’t deserve all my adoration!! He probably does think he’s special. But that needs to end!
Merry Christmas to All!
Amazing post! Spot on! Very Richard Pryor/Eddie Murphy with the “Best goddamn cracker I’ve ever had in my life! What was it? A Ritz cracker? Had to be a Ritz cracker!” Perfect analogy.
Natalie, you’ve given me inspiration for another New Year’s resolution: no pumping of anyone. I over-pump. Not just men, not just the ex EUM, but women too. By being complimentary, humorous, self-deprecating at the same time, a bit sickly sweet, I suppose, cheerfully extolling the perceived virtues of everyone I come into contact. With my compliment capacity, I could pump up a tramp into thinking he was special. Not an hour goes by without me complimenting someone. My resolution will be to train myself in no more compliments (unless I like someone’s shoes) and no more pumping-up of men. No one calls me a “superstar” all the time nor tells me I am brilliant! :p
I think I’m getting my Fallback Girl Christmas Story more together. I realized, *I’M* the one who’s become Scroogella — with Myself! not giving *Me* enough self-love, care, understanding, forgiveness, patience, stick-to-it-iveness with health regimen (among other things), housecleaning, pampering, generosity, time for artwork & enjoying life, etc. All the decades of many hurts & rejections have made me extremely wary, not just of romantic relationships, but friendships too. Little by little, I’ve isolated myself. In the last 10+ years, I haven’t had a successful serious relationship and my close friends have dwindled in number. Some people are happy with a very small inner circle — I never have been, especially since almost everyone I know paired off and got wrapped up with their own immediate families ages ago. Like Scrooge, my past is keeping me in chains. Instead of clinging to business & profits, I cling to dreams & longing. My broken heart turned into a wound that never healed, and while I’m the opposite of cold, bitter or stingy with others, and few people might guess from the outside how deeply hurt and lonely I am… I’ve done my damnedest to get involved with the *most* EU EUM possible, guaranteeing failure to find a committed relationship.
This holiday season, I’m having visions of the Ghost of Assclowns Past, my (ex)EUM Present. and of course, haunting by Future Ghost of Loneliness — the future yet to be written. Am I destined to end up like my Dad, whose mental & emotional health has deteriorated the last 20 years, due to depression and self imposed disengagement with life? Is it too late to change course or find Love & Happiness? Is there a secret to breaking out of the safety of staying EU/Single for the rest of my life? I’m trying to write the conclusion to the story, the parallel to Scrooge realizing that loving and giving to others is the key to a full, happy life. Scroogella here, she needs to go on a BS Diet, stop helping the EUM prop himself up his pedestal… instead, she must love & give tremendously to *herself*! and then she will live happily, kicking all AC’s to the curb at red flag #1.
OK, I think I’m done with my creative writing experiment 🙂 (graphic designer, much better w/visuals)
*p.s. great present in xmas stocking today: finding NML’s one-off podcast on Future Faking/Fast Fwding
Hi Anoosh, I’m with you regarding Dickens. Tis’ the season for ghosts of Christmas’s past. I love a Christmas Carol even if it done by 3rd graders. I’m still trying to finish knitting scarves for my nieces so I’ve resorted to watching old classic movies while I knit, although usually I read. Can’t read and knit just yet. I watched the 1946 version of Great Expectations today. If I taught at a University, I would take all of the “great lit” and teach it through Natalie’s BR lenses. Dear lord, Estella told Pip repeatedly she was unavailable and was going to break his heart. Talk about Miss Self-Sufficient Miss Independent. Dearest Pip hung in there, pumped up Estella (who needed none of his pumping) and only won the prize when Estella’s tainted background was revealed. Since I was raised on this great lit, I really thought it was true. I think, Anoosh, you will break out of the Ms. Havershiem phase. You are not destined to end up like your Dad. You may not be able to write the script tonight. If you be kind and gentle with yourself, the script shall be written. It’s never too late. NEVER!
runnergirl
in defence of dickens, in the original ending of great expectations pip doesn’t get the girl, and no longer wants the girl. she is “de-pumped” dickens switched it for a happier ending. I prefer the original. i like a happy ending but the original rings more true.
runnergirl, how funny, a whole course on Mr. Unavailable in English Literature! it’s interesting, once you get NML’s concept, how widely it can be applied. it’s a different thing I’m guessing, than the idea it’s human nature to want the unattainable. In everything from Shakespeare to Boy-Meets-Girl film plots, to self-help books (ie “The Rules”, blechh), is the idea that Love is game, and the only way for a woman to win, is if the man has to pursue her relentlessly; she must always remain *hard to get* even in marriage; men only desire what they cannot possess; the law of the universe states males must be chasing a woman in order to feel “love”; once he’s conquered you, he’ll move on to the next object of desire. And, various areas of science pronounce that men are not by nature monogamous, thus a majority of marriages fail, as they don’t have the same commitment DNA as women. on and on it gets put out there, the evidence that love, romance and mating games are just nature’s tricks to keep the human species going.
It’s enough to drive any modern woman mad! I think a big problem for FBG’s are all the books on relationships, which sometimes have very helpful strategies for coping, self growth, etc. But then you have a thing like “He’s Just Not That Into You”, which IMHO does not offer wisdom, but basically says most (if not all) men will act like total jackasses to women they get involved with, until they find their Dream Girl, at which point they’ll magically transform into Prince Charming, and his lucky princess will live happily ever after with his undying devotion. Rubbish! this is the opposite of what Natalie so patiently keeps trying to get across — normal male behavior does not include Vanishing Acts, Future Faking, Fast Forwarding, and every other shady tactic to avoid real intimacy and relationships. we do not cause the character or psychological flaws in these men, nor can we fix them with our “love” or pumping up.
I wonder… has EU always been so widespread, or is it becoming far worse in our lifetime? I’m beginning to think technology has given rise to forms of escapism that are exacerbating the problem, especially with EUM. I’m totally against censorship. but the internet has made it too easy, mainly for men, to live in sexual fantasy world 24/7. I believe it’s having a devastating effect on relationships.
Hey Grace, Annosh, and Fedup,
I’m with you on the original ending when Pip dumps and depumps Estella.
Annosh, I’m not a huge fan of any “man by nature” theories. Humans have a lot in common with many members of the animal kingdom. However, there is a very important difference: Humans have enlarged and elaborated brains, particularly in the frontal lobe which is the area for cognitive and abstract thought. Thus, any cheating male claiming he is just “acting on his DNA” is poppycock. Bonobos are our closest primate relative, perhaps sharing 99% DNA with humans. I have yet to find a website where bonobo females discuss how absurd male bonobos are. That’s cos humans are different. And if we include males within the genus Homo and species sapiens, they are different too. There is no biological out for males, assuming they have enlarged and elaborated brains. Some of them are simply assclowns, a learned behavior. And by the same token, there is nothing in the female DNA that would perpuate the continual pumping up of dickheads. That is a learned behavior. I don’t think EU’s are more prevalent now than in the past. I think we have discovered BR and Natalie. Thus AC/EUM/MM’s are on our radar. If a male or female wants to experience his/her life via cyber space, via telephone, via text, via television, who am I to say that’s not okay? It’s simply not okay for me. I want a real person.
runner
I’m a christian so I believe that human beings are more than another animal. But even those who aren’t religious can believe that too. An atheist scientist (I don’t think it was Richard Dawkins, it was someone less ranty) said that human beings are the consciousness of the universe. Because of us, the universe knows that it exists.
As human beings we really are that special. If we disrespect that by crapping on other people we shouldn’t be rewarded for it. NC him.
Thanks, Nat. Great, inspiring message!
Awesome post 🙂 These guys aren’t that special, as they rely on exes, ex baby mamas, ex fallback girls etc to pump them up and feed their ‘ego’. Imagine if they had to go a whole year or year(s) without anyone to pump them up They could not cope! I used to pump up my ex AC, until thankfully I found this site and discovered that this type of anti social personality truly exists, but I also understand now the reason I was drawn to this type of ‘man’ and I’m working hard on an AC free happy future, whatever cards are dealt to me 🙂
H,
“they could not cope!”
SO TRUE! My ex AC for SURE could not cope, not even for any amount of time. In fact, my ex AC actually told me, when I caught him lying and cheating again (i know, “again” is embarassing to admit) he basically admitted he needed ego strokes and needed to use women to get what he needed. He told me that with one woman, I had said “no” to him when he asked me for money, (we are talking thousands of dollards here), that I made him feel bad about himself, so that’s when he started to pull away and “had” to reach out to another woman. This approach was two fold, one he wanted me to feel guilty so I might reconsider, and two he was avoiding taking any blame for his OWN behavior. He wanted me to tell him how wonderful he is and how I was sorry. HA! Then he drip fed me some truth about ANOTHER woman who he “knew still liked” him so that’s why he knew he could call her up for when he needed something I wasn’t willing to give. What was it that time you ask? Cigarettes. I’m not even joking. Lord help me, personally i’m still trying to get over the blow to MY ego on that one, but i digress. He literally had many women to feed his ego, so I stopped being one of them. FLUSH!
Grace- that is a far better ending to Great Expectations. There is a new version with Gillian Anderson coming out. I wish they would do this ending instead. I am always disappointed that Pip ended up with Estella.
It’s great to read this post. Esp with regards to the holiday season! I have continued my NC for 2 months now and am counting the days till my birthday. (will be turning 30 this 1st January and my assclown’s bday is the day before!). He last tried to contact me a week ago, and even said “can I please talk to you? or just tell me what it would take, just don’t ignore me k.”
It has been really hard recently because I was thinking about the fact that I did’nt even have a ‘break-up’ moment. Even though we were never really in a ‘relationship’ either. But I ended things anyway with no explaination. I have been feeling guilty for not explaining myself or having ‘the talk’, but then again, I didn’t think I needed to. Him telling me that he didn’t wanna be with me after 2 years of dating, and telling me he ‘can’t be in a relationship’, ‘now is not the best time’ etc.,etc….all were enough for me to walk away.
Has anyone else ever felt guilty for walking away with no explaination?? (this is the first time I have ever cut contact with him. Even during our 2 years of dating, I always forgave him for lying +cheating and have never cut him off ever)…. I’m trying my best to stay as strong as I can!!
Anyhow, merry xmas to all and happy holidays! Thanks Natalie for making baggage reclaim! it’s the only thing that helps me keep going!:)
You did the right thing, very strong.
Where was his sense of responsibility when lying and cheating? He told YOU he couldn’t be in a relationship. He needs no special footnotes to understand that you’re showing self-respect by steering clear of all that hurt.
Just make sure your “guilt” about ending things (that he already ended) by NC is not a sneaky way for you to tell yourself the honorable thing is to *make* contact to “clear things up.” But secretly you hope he’s magically become available. He hasn’t, and there is nothing he has to say to you that won’t be hurtful or put you in a tailspin and you’ll be back at square one. I speak from experience.
2 years is enough of that mess. Look at all the women on here (me included) who put in a decade or more. We have zip to show for it but even MORE hurtful memories to obsess over and MORE “this time will be different” episodes and MORE endless non-breakups from the non-relationship.
You are about to be 30. Fantastic time to be single and available for yourself, and a great partner.
Anne
If he doesn’t know why you’ve dumped him, then he must be very stupid indeed and talking to him would be a further waste of your time. He can’t believe that you’ve finally seen the light and he’s lost his constant fallback girl.
That’s what he’s “upset” about. Let him back in again and he’ll behave for a week/month and then you’ll be back to square one as we can all testify here, over and over.
Keep him nuked. Don’t feel guilty. They rely on that to twist your dials.
Anne, I’ve had more break ups without a break-up moment with the ex EUM arse than I’ve eaten hot dinners, and guess what? He never felt the need to explain all these ‘break-ups’ to me. Now I have had a break up with him with no break-up moment and it’ll be a cold day in hell before I ever explain anything to him again. This guy you’re talking about doesn’t need an explanation – they are not idiots; they’re more surprised if we’re still talking to them at all – for ANY reason! (they just think we’re the idiots that are still there explaining their shit to them)
Thanks so much for the replies!:) Reading them just made me stand firm in my decision. I realise that reopening contact in any form, whether it be text/calls will only give my assclown a chance to reel me back in for another cycle of b.s! (It’s true, he never did once take the time to explain anything to me when he’d leave me or ‘break’ up with me, it happened too many times before. He’d have his auto reset button and I’d find myself having ‘amnesia’ :P) No more of that!!
Now, I’m not going to feel guilty for choosing me and putting myself first:) I feel much better now and def looking fwd to turning 30. When i’m ready to date again, it will be with my smarts in tow, no more making excuses for poor behavior from any assclown!
thanks again:)
Anne, good for you. No more explaining someone else’s bs to them. He already had all his chances, so now get on with your own wonderful life.
Fearless –
Isn’t that the truth! “they think we’re the idiots that are still there explaining their shit to them”.
Even when I was in this past relationship, I thought it was GOOD. HE was the one who mentioned that he took me for granted. I kind of saw that … kind of. How CLUELESS AM I?? But HE KNEW IT!! He knew I deserved better ( I wasn’t been cheated on, or beat, he wasn’t an alcoholic, blah blah blah — this was a GOOD relationship for me, oh what shit I’ve put myself through) and he was the one who told me he took me for granted. And hindsight, YEP, big RED flags, ex-wife talk ad nauseam, future faking, big titty baby fit throwing, etc.
THEY KNOW BETTER AND KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THEY ARE DOING.
Thank you Natalie for relating all of your own experiences and revelations this past year. I have been guilty of a lot of reading, and reading, but not doing. The New Year is approaching fast. I don’t want to be the person I have been this past year. I don’t want sympathy, a lot of resolutions that I won’t keep, etc. I want the tools and a love of self to do and be better in all areas of my l. But most of all just loving me, not needing or wanting someone who uses or abuses to define me. My mother once called me a spineless jellyfish. Well… she was right! In more ways than one, I had major surgery in May of this year. I had to change the way I do physical things.
…it’s long past time to change the emotional. I will celebrate you and women like you who have learned the hard way. Thank you all…
It feels like “Miracle on Assclown Street” when I get a phone call from him. But, I haven’t been near my phone each time he has called, so he left messages for me to call him back – he’s in South America and I am in North America now. He wants me to visit.
He does so little. He received so much. I way over functioned in the relationship. He did practically nothing, but receive the benefits. Why would I want to see him again? I keep feeling like I want to but then I ask myself– really? what for? So you can have what used to be great sex? I don’t even think it would be great anymore since I know too much now. So he can talk about himself the entire time? So I can listen attentively? He wasn’t around when I lost my job, couldn’t care less about my being ill, and easily broke up with me for no reason whatsoever. Although he offered to tell me after sex the next time. What a jokester. What in the Sam hell do I see in this person?? I am getting older and somehow I feel I may be looking for affirmation of my beauty-attractiveness, etc. He isn’t even real, why ask for his affirmation? How sad.
Well, thanks again for some much needed Natalie in my veins to keep me strong. He is there waiting? for me to call and start something all up again. but I haven’t. And I won’t. It’s a dance we’ve played many times, his timing is impeccable.
Jess
OMG! I adore you!!!!!….too funny…it hit home and I check into your site at least 2x a day…just to get myself straight for the day/moment…specially when I am weakening under the false pretense that my ex is the prize of the century. “Miracle on Assclown street”…lol…and the” 2hr/2 day/ 2 years” part of the article is amazing. Thank U for all u do, Nat. You have saved me from numerous moments of humilation over a man that is useless moron who has no clue. His last victim lasted a month…I was the idiot who stayed for 4 years….today..getting to so understand what he is about and myself in relation to him ….i am devoted to your site,myself …instead of him. I wouldn’t “pee on him” if he was on fire….now THAT is the truth!!!! Finally! xoxox
Just prior to Christmas and going on about 2 1/2 weeks i think of NC, I knew that that part of me still hanging on to the hopes of something was wishing for a Merry Christmas text from him. So, before Xmas, I finally blocked his number. I knew I needed to save myself the pain of knowing he wasn’t reaching out, and just block the damn number so I wouldn’t know either way. Best thing I ever could have done for myself. Not to mention it’s another step in the right direction for me and this journey of self love, trust, care and respect. I knew too that I wasn’t going to reach out to him because like hell I was going to be humiliated even more and pump him up, and blocking his number doesn’t even give me the option. More good stuff. I faced enough humilation and with this AC.
Also Natalie, the stuff about reliving the past and making that the basis of my experience…thank you for that in this post. I’ve been guilty of that. I’ve been thinking about our “good times” too much, and/or the things I liked about thim. Part of my method to get my head out of the clouds when I’m in those moments is to remember, yes those were so called good times but at what cost? They were at the cost of my well being, my physical and mental health, my happiness, my ability to trust and love. I was all the while being lied to, used, manipulated, cheated on, future faked. I can’t trust any of our “good times” to have meant anything more than something I happened to have been doing with him, he was at the same time stealing from me, lying to other women and his friends and family about me, and probably more disgusting behavior I can’t even fathom. I know I deserve a million times better than that. Time to make my own good times with someone I can love and trust…myself. It certainly hasn’t been easy, lots of dark moments but I’ve stuck to NC and I can feel those moments when I’m so proud of myself and each day I look forward to feeling better and better. I can’t wait.
OMG, thank you . that what i did in my relationship i was pumping him up the entired time. i feel so stupic right now that why even though we are not together everytime he come across me he have the attitude of its all about me and never understood where he got it from and it was from me. well i not in his life any more so i guess now is somone else job. bye bye.
thank you so much!
Great post, if u really follow this great advice you’ll be a winner and leave this bad energy behind
I understand this is targeted to help females get over guys that don’t deserve the time of day. Im actually on the other end of the rope and now realize that I did not appreciate what I had and I’ve been trying to show her with actions for almost 9 months now. All my efforts have not been enough and we are still broken up. We were together for many years and Im not sure if all I’m doing is pumping her up or if I should keep trying. When is it too late to try?
Omg, I read this post and you might as well have been talking directly to me. I just dumped a huge assclown six months ago, after two years of major putdowns, commitmentphobia, evasiveness, game playing… you name it. I realize now I was selling myself out. Big time. And yes, pumping that assclown up so that he felt like he could leer at other women in front of me, mock me cruelly… insult me in front of others… Sigh. I put up with so much. But I finally told him to go f— himself, and my good-bye speech was fantastic, I might add. So why do I still think about the assclown? I guess that’s why I’m here…. Thank you! From a new devotee.
Kerry,
It might be due to the amount of time you were together. You probably just miss the comfort. Or maybe you still love him. If he wants to win you back it needs to be done with actions. If there is no action then you need to remind yourself that you made the right choice to let go.
I’m just floored at the amount of EUMs out there. I’ve been dating for 18 years now, and I can say I’ve never met even one guy that isn’t completely emotionally unavailable and doesn’t play these types of games. Our society must be doing something wrong in terms of raising good men. It’s just heartbreaking to read all of the posts with the way we women are being treated. I go for years without having sex because so many guys won’t even be bothered to call me, feign some interest, be friendly, etc. It’s very hard to be a girl these days.
Wow! This is so true! I’ve put my POA on a pedestal for way too long! She isn’t anything special. As a matter of fact in my younger days I wouldn’t want anything to do with her and all of her unsavoriness and baggage. Why in my 40’s do I put up with the disrespect, the dishonesty, the meanness of some of her words? No more.
I have been so depressed, but reading this post has had me belly-laughing. I can relate to everything Natalie said. My MM/AC has been lying to me about a non-existent divorce, and I just learned it was a lie because his wife found out about me and I about the fact that he was not actually separated.
I feel like an idiot. I’ve been telling him for the past 16 months how wonderful he is and how I love him unconditionally, respect and adore him, etc. No wonder he kept coming back to me. Who wouldn’t want to hear only great things about themselves? Even after finding out he was lying to me, I’ve been trying to protect him and help him stay with his wife. What???? Reading this post by Natalie was like a slap in the face. I’ve spent all day reading the articles on this site and feel like I’m learning a lot. It helps so much to realize these guys all have the same M.O. Thanks.
awesome………………..