This time of year, whether you’re single or in a relationship, can bring about an incredible amount of anxiety. It can also have you thinking and doing things that in retrospect, when you get to January, will have you wondering if someone was coming into your home and spiking you with a cocktail of Drama and Relationship Crack. I of course, say this with experience.
One particular December was spent ‘negotiating’ (read: stating my case, laying it down on the line, discussing, arguing, wheedling, telling him all about himself and lather, rinse, repeat), with the guy with a girlfriend.
I had this fantasy that he would be so devastated at the thought of me being out of the country with my family and having the possibility of being swooped up by a better man (’cause ya just know I kept reminding him that plenty of guys would want to treat me better), that he’d break it off with his girlfriend and announce that he was coming to Dublin with me. The reality could be summed up in four words – “You know my situation…”. Then I accidentally left my mobile phone in London – I spent the whole Christmas hiding in the toilet crying and making sneaky phone calls plus I’ll admit I wondered whether he would have fulfilled my fantasy if he’d been able to reach me… Thank God I stopped taking the delusion crack.
I’ve also had several Christmases – about fourteen of them actually – where the anxiety about buying a gift for my mother and ‘measuring up’ has had me overspending and/or being riddled with such a desperate urge to be validated that I’d feel ill.
I’ve ended a relationship before Christmas because I couldn’t face having to grin and bear it, and then I’ve grimaced my way through another and thought that I was going to experience a Miracle on Assclown Street when it was more like A Nightmare on Assclown Street – cue me having to wear the ‘gift’ of clear heeled hooker shoes, ‘nude’ coloured tights and short leather skirt so as not to ‘offend’ while I grimaced through tears. I left the bar after 15 minutes and literally felt like I’d sold my self-esteem to the devil.
If like me, you’ve done all manner of bonkers stuff around The Holidays, whether it’s suddenly reaching out to an ex or being receptive to their rather pathetic overtures, or suddenly thinking you’re owed a miracle and a happy ending, it’s time to ask:
What’s so fricking special about December? Why do you allow December to take on all manner of meaning and start making grand assumptions, even grander plans, and buy into the fantasy?
I get December on a whole spiritual and religious level. Even on an emotional level, I recognise that as the end of the year approaches, it’s natural to be reflective, but it doesn’t explain why we allow what is another month in the calendar along with some heavy marketing, peer pressure and more importantly, internal pressure along with our overactive imaginations, vaginas/penises and libidos to turn us all crazy.
It’s just December. It’s just The Holidays/Christmas – how much power do you want to give away again?
For people who are struggling with their self-esteem or an unhealthy relationship, you spend eleven fricking months of the year handing your power over to other factors such as your current partner, or an ex, or your job, or your past, or your family or whatever, and now December comes along and it’s like it owns you.
I remember a very old episode of The Simpsons where Homer almost gets himself into an affair situation with his coworker Mindy. All evening he appears to be getting signs, including from a fortune cookie, that he’s going to have sex with her. He ends up sitting beside her on a bed in a hotel room looking utterly miserable as he announces that they’re going to have sex. Mindy tells him he doesn’t have to and he says “Yes we do! The cookie told me so.”
That’s what December is like for a lot of people.
They hook up with exes, buy cards, send texts, reply to what can only be regarded as low level contact, break their necks trying to think up the perfect gift for someone undeserving, allow themselves to be used as Christmas beards where they keep someone’s bed and their ego warm for the season so that they can pretend that their life is better than it is, hold shit relationships together as if the magic of ‘December’ will fix problems that only you both can fix, bust their proverbial nuts about how crap their life is in comparison to an image of happiness that they’re being sold by companies that want to make money out of them, and essentially allow themselves to be ‘led’ by an image of a month.
When January arrives or even before the month is out and you’re asked why you did this stuff, it’s like “I had to do it! December told me so!”
For some of you it’s “I had to do it! The adverts like the soppy John Lewis one or the Coca Cola ‘Holidays are coming’ ad told me so!”
This is bullshit! It’s no wonder we get angsty about it when we’re being sold ‘Christmas’ from as early as October – we’re being sold and if you don’t have the presence of mind to remember who you are, your values, and the fact that there’s eleven other months in the year, you may end up doing something in the short-term that leaves you with a medium to long-term hangover.
It’s like “Screw it! I’m going to throw caution to the wind and send that text or buy into the fantasy (again) that my ex who has already shown and told me who they are might gift me with my fantasy of them making me the exception to their rule.”
It’s just The Holidays. Yes it can be a pain in the bum if your family are crackerjacks and descend into arguments at the dinner table (that would be mine), or you’ve fallen out (that was us last year), or you’re hurt (I’ve ticked a few Christmases off with that one), or you feel like it highlights everything that’s missing from your life. But don’t get things twisted – it’s just a few weeks and you can make them as big or as small as you want to, but whatever you do, put yourself in the driving seat of your own life.
Unless you’re taking part in a nativity play, you’re not a sheep.
Whatever your religious inclinations, the true meaning of Christmas/The Holidays was never about opting back into a poor relationship to massage your ego for a few weeks or holding onto something that detracts from you just so you can say that you’re miserable but you’re with someone.
Stay off the Relationship/Drama Crack – it doesn’t work for you during the rest of year, it’s not about to suddenly give you the ‘fairytale’ because it’s December!
Your thoughts?
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This post is bang on. I think most Christmas’ of my past have been pretty much hellish due to my terrible relationships. This year will be the first one where I can finally say my self esteem is 100% positive. Therefore no one can monkey with my Christmas joy.
I can honestly say I am not expecting to hear from any ex whatsoever. A part of me is OK with that and another part wonders “well, gee none of them think of me at all?? Or gosh, if they do, hopefully it’s not them thinking I’M GLAD I’M NOT SPENDING THE HOLIDAY WITH HER!!” However, I do expect to get the same old random texts from people I don’t know. One in particular, never fails to text every Thanksgiving and Christmas. I’ve told “her” numerous times I don’t know her and to drop my number. Never works. So, yeah, I’ll hear from that person. I’m like lose my number already, ok? I can’t get a Merry Ho-Ho-Ho from an ex but a stranger?? Thanks. Ooook.
I read something this morning that sums it all up nicely: “Stop twisting into a pretzel to receive love. There is nothing you can say or do that will make the wrong man love you. Conversely there is nothing you can say or do that will make the right man stop loving you. It’s time to stop thinking that there is something wrong with you that needs to change or be fixed in order to receive love. ”
Apparently all of us ladies (and any men) here are trying to make the wrong man/assclown/EUM/MM/fill in the blank love us and something about the “spirit” of this holiday blinds us into thinking we might have more of a chance now than the other 11 months. Well, that’s a big ol’ pile of cowshiznit really. So instead of spinning my wheels about how I could possibly say JUST the RIGHT thing to POSSIBLY rope the MM in finally, I’ll enjoy the random texts from people I don’t know and say thank you. I’ll lay my body straight and get out of the pretzel. By God, I look better standing straight and surely there’s a man out there on this planet that thinks the same and wouldn’t want me morphed into a friggin pretzel to “win” him over. Happy Holidays everyone!
Thanks for the post Nat!
Using Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/New Years as an excuse to reach out to people who have treated you badly, or have let you know they just don’t care, or responding to low level communication just cheapens the holiday. Plenty of christmas cards have “Peace on Earth” written on them, how about gifting yourself with a little peace of mind 🙂
jas
Perfect. What more can you say? This says it all. We need peace in our lives and it begins with ourselves.
Natalie —
You. Are. Awesome. Wow. Totally love this — it’s totally me and most of here at BR. I’ve been having a huge attack of “holiday-itis” and trying to tell myself not to get sucked in to this “crack” — but, wow, you say it best. I love that you’ve “been here” and you “get us”
.. cue me having to wear the ‘gift’ of clear heeled hooker shoes, ‘nude’ coloured tights and short leather skirt so as not to ‘offend’ while I grimaced through tears. I left the bar after 15 minutes and literally felt like I’d sold my self-esteem to the devil. (My heart ached at this — as I’ve been there too)…
.
so that they can pretend that their life is better than it is, hold shit relationships together as if the magic of ‘December’ will fix problems that only you both can fix, bust their proverbial nuts about how crap their life is in comparison to an image of happiness that they’re being sold by companies that want to make money out of them, and essentially allow themselves to be ‘led’ by an image of a month (Ouch. Been here too).
When January arrives or even before the month is out and you’re asked why you did this stuff, it’s like “I had to do it! December told me so!” (LOVED IT!)
It’s like “Screw it! I’m going to throw caution to the wind and send that text or buy into the fantasy (again) that my ex who has already shown and told me who they are might gift me with my fantasy of them making me the exception to their rule.” (TOTALLY THE REMINDER I NEEDED)
Unless you’re taking part in a nativity play, you’re not a sheep. (MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE LINE — will chuckle to myself throughout the rest of the month… and then (yikes!) New Year’s Eve…. and then Valentines day….. )
Thanks for all your words of wisdom and saying it in a way that keeps us real.
Blessings to you this holiday season and all the girls at BR!
Nat, thank you for another post that helps so much.
December is a terrible month for me. Almost all the deaths in my (relatively small) family have happened in December (my mom recently, my two grandmothers recently, my dear uncle-not that recently, but still). And my birthday in-between. Ugh. So this month is kind of sad in and of itself for me. Add the whole seasonal BS that comes from everywhere (not just the media or what businesses try to sell: most people around me seem to be so tremendously HAPPY around the Holidays, they make me feel completely alien). And this December comes with the added bonus of spending the first days of a painful breakup, spending “our” first anniversary doing NC and all that jazz. I feel OVERWHELMED.
However, after this whole pity-party I must get a grip and realize you are right, Nat. We are not sheep. I made it through excruciatingly painful Decembers in the past and here I am. I can deal with it. And if I feel blue about the latest relationship failure, I can pay a visit to BR and feel better. It is indeed JUST. A. MONTH.
You all are helping me so much in coping with this. Just getting it out of my system is a big relief. I am so grateful. THANK YOU!!
Hugs to you, Beckceci. Know you are not alone and this will get better. Getting through it and staying strong and focused on our strengths and new insights can be so empowering.
Beckcici,
Wish I could make the month better for you. Just know you have friends on here that will be thinking of you and sending you ((((hugs))).
Beckceci, you are awesome. Seriously, you’re one strong, smart lady 🙂 *Big Hugs and Lots Of Love*
I love your blog Natalie! I had become in just a few weeks an avid reader of it! I live in Mexico, I just ended a 3 year relationship, this year has been like a rollercoaster full of ups and downs! My ex went to study his MBA to Asia and Europe, while I waited for him. We saw like 4 times this year. 1 month ago I just couldn´t stand it, he always talked just about him and never about us and I broke with him. I waited faithfully for him the whole year, I didn´t dated anyone; on the other hand of course he lived the experience, he became a full-time student again at age 30 and partied out and traveled all year long. The sad thing is that he just finished and he´s coming back in 10 days. I know I made the decision, but I had been wondering if it was the right thing to do, and of course I´ve been thinking of how could I have an approach and congratulate him for his graduation and X-mas time. I just bought your book of No Contact and it has been a lot of help. I have the feeling that I loose my time, and that just drives me crazy!! (All my friends got married in this 3 years and are having kids now, the all mexican traditional way of course). But this post is just sooo true!! It has made me laugh of myself, and he doesn´t deserve it really!! So I will stick with my plans and what I am really looking for in a man, to be my teammate, not just to look what is the best for himself. Of course it hurts I´m getting out of my comfort zone, but with all this help I know I´ll get through the situation without a drama excess.
Brilliant. We all know it, and we all need to hear it over and over until we begin to see the truth. The holiday is as much of a crazy-maker as these men we bend ourselves into a pretzel to love. The less they give, the harder we love, and Christmas…my god, I’m a card-carrying atheist and it still makes me crazy…when it comes to loving ourselves, should be like any other day. Moreso, really, when you think about it.
When I am tired and not ‘in my power’, as they say, I can get sad. Heck, I cried into the sofa cushions this morning that my life is missing certain things: babies that ought to be hitting junior kindergarten age by now, in particular. I made poor decisions about guys, and it rankles to think “It wasn’t my fault! I didn’t know any better!” or particularly, “They frickin bullied me until I was scared of them! It’s not my fault I haven’t been able to choose through any other lens but fear!”
I guess it doesn’t matter whose fault it is. But it still sucks.
When I go through the warmer and more fuzzy parts of being with my family at Xmas, the reality of me not being a mom with my own kids is … well, I don’t know if you’ll agree, but I think it’s pretty fucking tragic. I don’t know what else to think, even though I will not let it kill my spirit. I am happy that now I’m getting equipped to make better choices. It hurts like heck to see my reproductive system is showing signs of slowing down and time is running out to have kids.
In my early thirties I had no idea of the grief that would come now, finding myself still childless. The holidays throw that into sharper focus, I find.
None of that makes heading backward into old dysfunction even remotely appealing, though. If anything, the onslaught of family-oriented messages and celebration should provoke even more tenderness for ourselves, and better care of ourselves. We really do deserve to be happy.
I am asking myself what I might do for myself for the holidays that could delight me the way someone who loved me might want to delight me. Hint: it’s not a sappy-with-holiday-guilt assclown under the tree!!
Magnolia, a close friend of mine had a baby on her own – the father is very much in her life. She’s not saying it’s easy but does say it’s the best thing she’s ever done. Several of my friends had children in their late thirties, another couple are pregnant at 40, another close friend has adopted a little girl and I watched a woman on telly last night who had fostered 300 children. If you want to have a child, whether it’s pregnancy, adoption, or fostering, you can do those things. It’s not like you’re about to kick the bucket – it’s a tad premature to regret what you haven’t missed out on yet. ‘Should’ is limiting – you haven’t been creating or having a life that allowed for those things. Do it now.
300 children!! Yeegads, talk about leaving extra time to help put on hats and mittens!
There are indeed options, and I’ll be pursuing them once this PhD is finished. (Say it with me, ladies: defend in July. Defend in July.) I hoped I’d meet someone in the fours years since I started my degree and maybe have a baby during, as many of my peers have done. ExAC kept holding that out as the goal; my own fault that I tried to convince myself I could actually spawn with Mr. Act Out.
I do like the idea of fostering.
I haven’t lost hope entirely yet, Nat! December challenges those hopes, for sure, but I will have not given up until the ovaries are shrivelled little raisins in a desert of hot flashes.
Magnolia,
About 12 years ago I was a working my way through night school at a major hospitals’ Human Rsources Department in Dallas, Texas. The staff were primarily women in thier late thirties and forties. They all made very respectable salaries, but most were single/divorced. In a period of two years, four of them travelled to China and Russia and adopted there (one of the women, not wanting a baby, even came back with a teenage brother and sister!). It left a major impression on me, here were these women, in a very conservative environment, going for what they wanted, regardless of thier relationship status. After that, I accepted that adoption even as a single woman, was a viable option.
good luck with your PhD!!!!!
Jas
Magnolia, you so make me laugh. You wouldn’t believe how much extra time it takes for hats and mittens and that’s for one kid and we live in So. Cal. Apparently she figured out how to get to class, put on her own hat and mittens.
Thank your lucky stars you didn’t spawn with Mr. Act Out. I did and although I have this wonderful daughter, he hasn’t contributed financially, one drop. It’s okay, cos I always knew it would be up to me. She’s the light of my life.
Defend your thesis, get a job with heath coverage, then a kid. All three can be done without a Mr.
Umm, Magnolia, I’m not sure how to respond or if I should. But here goes, it may be a good thing that you did not have kids with the former AC’s? Although it seems tragic for you now, I’ve been through really awful experiences where my daughter is divided on Christmas morning with mom and Christmas evening with dad. I’m sure her “December to Remember” isn’t going to be something she wants to remember.
I think December just needs to go away. It is cold, rainy, and an awful month even in So Cal. I think Nat is right on. You can have a kid. They are wonderful, exasperating, truly amazing, and extremely expensive. I could only deal with one. Start saving now.
Magnolia,
I have a friend who went through IVF treatment for 9 years and who has finally decided to adopt. I have a twenty one year old who is the apple of my eye and I lost a baby who would have been eight this year. Neither my friend nor I could control the luck we were given… I do know that if I had been my friend I would have strived just as she has to have a child.
If you want something as badly as a child and to be a Mum, then do it. Move your life on in that way.
This is one of the things in life that demands that you follow your heart.
Magnolia,
I don’t know how old you are but I’m 36 and still don’t have kids. I’m a teacher and a big reason I chose this profession is to have summers and holidays with my family. I spent a few months over the summer thinking I’d never have a family. I’ve recently made the conscious decision to have hope again. I believe I have options and when the time is right it will happen for me. The same thing is true for you too. Don’t give up hope. Your exeriences and resilience wil make you a great mom when it happens for you. Over the summer I lost a chance at having a baby and the resulting breakup made me feel like I wanted to die. But 5 months later I feel hope and happiness again I can see that what happened to me was a blessing.
Hi Magnolia,
Please don’t wait for the right man if you want a child, a dear friend of mine is currently going through IVF because she waited for the right man to come along. She now has the man but he’s a total EUM and she’s kicking herself that she waited so long. She has a 6% of falling pregnant now.
Seize the day!
Magnolia…you don’t have to have kids to be happy. Really. It sounds like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself, and that is no fun for anyone. Hells bells, you are finishing a Ph.D. That is a big accomplishment. So pat yourself on the back, enjoy your Christmas, and take advantage of the travel and freedom that you enjoy NOW rather than lamenting what you don’t have. Don’t beat yourself up about this. (BTW, I’m 44, don’t have kids, and don’t regret it for a red hot minute. I didn’t meet wonderful hubby till I was 39 and we just weren’t interested in parenting).
And better the daddy of your kids is decent than an AC…really. Don’t settle.
” A Miracle on Assclown Street…….” OMG! I am still laughing hysterically. Thanks for this Nat! ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!! So funny…. it makes the whole thing ridiculous to imagine . That is what I was waiting for!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 🙂 The holidays WITH a loser are worse than without……Life is TOO LONG to be miserable.
Happy Holidays to all of you! Enjoy them for what they are really all about. PEACE – especially for you! 🙂 🙂
I also got a big kick out of Miracle on Assclown St. Natalie you never fail to hit it right. I love reading your posts. I am in the suck it up and see phase right now but my head is in a good place because of you. He is being good and trying but I am loving me more than ever and have put him in the place he should be. Not making him the focus of anything and I am focusing this holiday season on me!! My family as well. He will have to do the work in this relationship or he will have to hit the road. No more 70 me 30 him. Not happening anymore. Thanks for all the woman you empower with your great posts!
NAT!! LOL you crack me up! Classic one your “holiday bests”! “Miracle on Assclown Street”. Have to add that somehow believing if your ex watching “It’s a Wonderful Life” is going to somehow turn them around and have them come running back to you realizing you are the everything they have been missing. I want to love you again… like ya ever did the first time! December is just not that special… neither was he…
As someone who up to a few days ago was toying with letting my common sense go out the window and breaking NC your post reinforces my determination not to let him ruin one more Christmas for me. But then again only I can ruin my Christmas, he’s not around anymore so he has no power.
The door is shut, locks are locked, front porch light is off and all is well in my world. But I do have Christmas decorations on my door, after all I wouldn’t want Santa to fly by and miss me.
New Year’s Eve is more difficult for me and when I’m likely to take a massive hit of crack.
Just like his birthday the ex eum cut me off when it came to New Years I would hear all about what he was doing who he had invited and not once did I get an invite. He would respond to my texts about how happy I hope he will be for the new year blah blah. I remember one year asking myself do you really reallllllllllllly want to send this text. Apparently I did cos I hit send and got exactly the answer I expected one that said ‘thanks.’
And the only reason I didn’t hit the crack over the Christmas season was he is Jewish and didn’t celebrate it.
Of course once New Year was over and I was frozen out my birthday arives early January and guess who was back as though he had been nowhere.
It’s like “Screw it! I’m going to throw caution to the wind and send that text or buy into the fantasy (again) that my ex who has already shown and told me who they are might gift me with my fantasy of them making me the exception to their rule.”
That paragraph sums it up for me every single New Year and September when his birthday arrives.
I have been massively guilty of December madness when I was dating an AC and trying to make up for all his years of having not having a good Christmas, he threw all back in my face as ACs do he didn’t want to have a good Christmas and back then I forgot it was his responsibility not mine to ensure he did.
This is the year to stay off the crack.
I have been struggling lately with breaking my usual pattern of communication with the eum.
It goes like this:
Him: “I will call you” (now this could be any time of the year)
Then he goes silent as the days of the month go by.
Me: I flip flapping around no I won’t do anything then oh maybe he needs reminding about what he said.
I then end up sending a pathetic text, to restablish contact.
Yesterday was very, very hard, but I fought the urges and left the crack pipe alone.
What really helped me was to read NML’s book No Contact.
I forgot I had this resource sitting on my computer.
I recommend it to anyone going through a struggle to break old thought patterns and why you need to stick it out.
I also realised yesterday I wasn’t busy or active enough so of course my thoughts are going to go there.
Today should be so much easier.
I spoke too soon, my mum has come to visit me.
She brings along a magazine, opens it up and it is an article about the ex, I see the picture and say why are you showing me that he is nothing but a liar.
I read the article and it is about him and a group of people and how they celebrate Christmas. The man is Jewish and doesn’t celebrate it I suppose his thinking any publicity is good publicity.
Blergh and no nobody forced me to read it.
Tulipa, you’re sounding stronger every day.
I think it was only last year that I realized people (I’m thinking of a couple women I know) say ‘I’ll call you’ when they have no intention of doing so! These people think they’re being polite or doing us a favour by offering us the promise of their glorious company! The last time one of these women did the “I’ll call you” thing I had to bite my tongue from saying, “Bitch, please. You know you won’t,” or “Yeah, right.” When I realized how arrogant it was of them to do that, as if I were some unpretty girl who wants to be in their club, I suddenly heard how ugly and fake their “I’ll call you” was when they said it, and I actually felt sorry for them.
I can’t imagine what these girls would think if I were to say, you know, you said you’d call me. They’d probably take it as proof that they are SO popular and be all “Oh! I’m so sooooorrry! Did I let one of my fans down?! So hard to keep up! Please forgive me! Okay? Kay? Kiss kiss? Mwa. Mwa. Love you! I’ll call you!”
As if!!!
Tulipa
absolutely stay busy. I wasn’t kidding about the knitting. Or sewing. Embroidery, painting, Or practising the piano. It keeps your mind occupied and, crucially, you can do it on your own. Those long evenings and weekends home alone can be hard work when you miss someone (even someone you never had in the first place).
I think an activity is better than tv (too passive) and even reading. We don’t need more words and analysis and thinking. We need less. Or at least a different kind.
Thank you, Magnolia, totally agree with the doing us a favour by allowing us to socialise with them.
Unfortunately, for me I have been that person to call him out on this, saying it is so unfair that you tell me you will call and don’t. Now I can see he must be thinking two things one just like you said oooo I’m letting down a fan and two well she keeps calling me out on this, but what do I need to do when she contacts me anyway and I don’t have to be accountable so I’ll dish her up more of the same.
I explained to my mum to please not show me any more articles she may come across concerning him, she said she’d shred them or bin them.
I am pleased with me taking action and NOT using the other article as a way to communicate with him and very grateful he is also deleted from my contact list. A month or so ago I would have thought what a perfect opportunity to tell him how great he is.
Grace, I’m keeping busy by cleaning out each and every room of my flat I moved in 4 years ago and still have stuff in boxes which means I don’t need it and it can go. The gym for me is a tremendous help and even though I have been disappointed in the weight loss results I can see the benefits for my mind.
Might give knitting another go we have our moments that is for sure.
I have definitely been there when it comes to being on holiday-relationship crack. One year when my ex broke up with me, I cried all christmas eve in the dark because we weren’t together and he barely talked to me that day. On Christmas, he invited me over but on his terms of course. That meant I would have to leave right when he wanted to get me and I couldn’t see my Grandpa. As miserable as I was without him, I told him there was no way I’d ditch my Gramps.
Looking back, I am so glad I didn’t go with my ex because it turns out that was the last Christmas I would have with my Grandpa. I know it won’t all happen this way for most people, but try to find someone or something that means more to you than your EUM/AC. Your kids, your mom, your dog…and spend the holiday focusing on having fun with them.
My ex and I have been broken up a year now and NC for 5 months. He has emailed me twice since November, but as much as I want to talk to him I know there is no good outcome from it, especially since he has a live in gf. Him saying he is thinking about me is no reason to throw my progress away.
Chanel,
I hear you on the gramps thing. I adore mine. He’s in his 80’s, lived a rough life and I’m glad the old guy is still hanging around. He means so much to me.
So true, thank you. I have just had a great reminder why it is so important to hold fast and don’t buckle in NC just because you’re feeling a bit lonely, unloved, like you’re life is boring, like settling for less feels like better than what you have right now ~ to cut it short, I’ve just found out a friend has got her ex living back with her
and it is worse than I thought, in fact, this lady
has actually put herself in a very very dangerous
situation and it’s actually very scary to even just think about it, I don’t know how she’s gonna get
out of this, it is going to be very messy at the
least and I don’t like thinking about it but on the other hand, taking nothing away from her, it has put my life into perspective, I might not be living life in the fast lane right now but I am healing, recovering and most importantly, avoiding more of the same, I am learning my lesson, I’m off the drama crack pipe and I can smile to myself and
feel all warm inside at the thought of one day, a real, genuine kind HONEST loving man, asking me to be his wife! That will never happen until I am ready for it and I don’t know why but I just think it’s gonna take a couple of years but I’m ok with that ~ that’s not to say it’s always easy, dont feel lonely etc etc but the alternative doesn’t bare thinking about. I’m sticking this out, I’m in it for the long haul and I’ll make it. Good luck ladies, to all of us and thank you all so much for helping me so much, I couldn’t get through this without you <3 x
Natalie: Thank you for reminding us that December is just another month and no excuse or reason to do something stupid. Break NC and you just might find an assclown under your Christmas tree holding a tightly wrapped package containing your self esteem!
Well I love Christmas, sometimes in spite of odds … and this year I think I’m going to love it more without the stresses of the Ex and his attendant obligations…even a few months ago I could have never imagined I’d write that but lets take that glittery star out the box and hang it high on the tree..
Christmas makes me feel that all things are better experienced through anticipation so I anticipate a peaceful year ahead..a bearable Christmas Eve with the extended family(similar to Nat there, could go either way!)and a resounding and fruitful relationship with myself in the future.
Christmas Day this year will just be at home with my son and I, first time in years and years and I am so looking forward to that…
I laughed and barfed and was appalled at the hooker shoes comment but I too am secretly delighted that this year I can go the whole season without togging up like middle aged pornstar for the Ex.
Wincyette Welcome here!!(For a little while longer….and trifle.)
This sounds familiar but thankfully this year ive stepped of the train at, I cant be bothered ville. After a year long relationship with an emotionally stunted clown I for the fourth time called it quits, as I had gone back each time before and he walked all over and ignored my boundaries, why would this time be different….. Oh but it is, and this website has helped me so much for the past 5 months to put all his behaviour into perspective, I was on this site a few weeks when it dawned on me, he must have been online looking for lines to feed me emotionally, the things he would say to me were word for word what the experts said he would say….
“I was wrong, you were right” “I am sorry I treated you so badly” “you deserve better than me”” you understand me the way no one else ever could”…. We are meant for each other, you coming back into my life proves that….bla bla bloody bla…. it went on and on and I fell for it, but, no more.
My relationship with this clown revolved around his ex, who he adored and loved so much and she left him, he was shattered, every time we got close he would say he loved me but he ended up talking about her, this to be honest left me feeling so vulnerable and broke my confidence down, why was he with me then?.. I would have to love him more then he would just love me, yes….!!…I don’t think so, the more hard work I put into us the less he did, I felt rejected and a nobody, yet he would tell me how amazing I was, how he adored me….I was so confused, this coming from an intelligent business woman, I couldn’t figure who I was any more, he was giving his number to women online, when I said anything I was over reacting as he wasn’t meeting any of them, just having a laugh…!!!” what, at me?” He even texted other women after we made love, but I didn’t find this out till after the split. To me all this contact and texting was cheating, whether he met them or not its still emotional cheating and the intent to cheat, If you can go to prison for intending to kill someone then you are guilty of cheating if you put wheels in motions to cheat..
I was the last on his list, FOR EVERYTHING, he even left me alone for an important family function to “rescue a youth he knew from prison by lying in court”…. It was that day I realised I was nothing more than a pastime for him, it hurt so much but I told him to…
Teresa, my ex (my 2 yr old daughter’s dad) was the same. All he ever talked about was his ex during our entire relationship, to the point it felt like she had left me! LOL He also needed constant affirmation from other women, getting their numbers, talking to them online etc. I said the same thing, even if he didn’t actually physically cheat, he still made me feel cheated on. We were NC during my pregnancy, which he wanted nothing of, but since her birth I have had to learn how to ‘handle’ him being in my life (2 years of learning curve to get here) and I have learned to create my boundaries and make sure he knows them and not to cross them. I am a powerful force to be reckoned with now.
You are better off NC, and in time it will get better, just know – you were in love with a fantasy – and NOT HIM. That realization makes it so much easier to see the EU for what they are and for you to move forward. Best of luck.
Its 5 months, NC and its been hard, I have told myself im worth so much more, I’m better than a pastime, I’m a good person, albeit a bit nuts in my own unique way…… He has made numerous attempts to contact me lately, including constantly contacting my older child, she never replies but he keeps contacting, I’ve moved and when he went to my old house he told my friend he was shocked I was gone, “Shocked I wasn’t sitting waiting for him more like it”
He has contacted my friends and family with the whole I’m sorry, I treated her wrong, and I want to apologise, I need her to know how much I care, Its all getting a bit desperate now though, and I’m relishing in the fact that his bubble has burst and he doesn’t know how to dealt with it….
There’s a saying I heard today, and its invaluable……
If you cheat on a woman that’s willing to do anything for you, YOU actually cheat YOURSELF out of true loyalty…..
and my motto for meeting a new man when the time is right……
I will NEVER be someone a man can do, when he has NOTHING else to do……..
Reading this, it no longer strikes me as strange that Christmas has always seemed like an exciting, fulfilling time in my emotional life, whilst January has always seemed like Rejection and Heartbreak Month.
Can’t believe that I didn’t catch on to that one sooner…
trying to think of witty funny snarky holidays reply, or come up with a xmas jingle parody, but I’m sure I won’t top “Miracle on Assclown Street”, so OK Natalie, once again, You Are Right. how *DO* you do it?
indeed, in the big scheme of things, it’s just another month, a couple days on the calendar. and yet another bullseye: “…the true meaning of Christmas/The Holidays was never about opting back into a poor relationship to massage your ego for a few weeks or holding onto something that detracts from you…”. it’s a time to be grateful for all that we do have. I mean that sincerely, I spend a lot of time paying attention to the state of the world (won’t get started). it’s up to each of us how we deal with life’s many twists and turns.
and yet, these occasions do symbolize things that as we get older seem so significant. Years ago, I opted out of my immediate family holiday drama, preferring to spend the time with friends or alone. I haven’t had a significant other to spend those days with in perhaps 15 years. oh, except for 2 years ago, when the EUM/LDR/SM (I think Separated Man should be included in AC categories) was promising me the moon about our future together. I have to be honest, it’s not the superficial, man-made consumerism part I feel I’m missing out on — it’s the not ever knowing what it’s like to wrap presents for my own children, not having any of my own family holiday memories, wondering what will happen when my parents are no longer here, and since my sister & I are estranged, I’ll really have no one intimately connected to me or concerned with my life. these aren’t things I only think about on the holidays. I do everything in my power not to focus on them all year long. it just comes into super-focus around this time, when 95% (guess-timate) of people my age I know are with their kids and most with spouse.
the holidays didn’t used to affect me the way they have been lately. I’ve been lucky to have good friends to spend the times with, but it’s never a sure thing. I don’t know if I’ll have plans on xmas or New Year’s, if I had more $$ I’d take myself away somewhere. but I don’t, so I can’t. I’ll make the best of it, and I swear I won’t respond to any EUM emails, texts, etc. He probably will send some sort of holiday message, that seems to be his M/O. he’ll probably ask how I like Father Ted dvd’s…
Dear Anoosh, your post was heartfelt. I have never been in your position experiencing that kind of loneliness, I do believe that the presence/significance of having a partner around, or a family of one’s own, at a certain age, does become more palpable somehow at this time of the year. Sending you lots of good cheer and spirits. I sincerely hope that this month will bring about positive renewal and optimism for you, that you’ll make the best of it by being able to recognize and celebrate the wonderful traits about yourself, your imagination and ability to love and feel, and to let go off whatever/whoever erodes your ability to be the person you truly are and should be.
Here is what I think. December is flooded with commercials of happy couples and awesome gifts, dreamy eyes, loving looks, sappy bullshit that is crammed down our throats. It turns our heads – it makes us feel like losers because we are alone… again. December is the month of punishment for singleness – like February. It makes me angry.
I have always associated the holidays with family and friends. I think it is how we choose to perceive things, not what the advertising industry in pushing.
I never feel punished or feel like a loser, as this is a very special time of year.
December has been terrible for me for the past 4 years with the same person. We have never spent Christmas together. Something always happens in December. We have even joked about it but it keeps happening. Friday December 2, 2011 he left his FB page opened and I found out that he was also with another woman. I estimate two years although he says one. I kicked him out on December 4, 2011 found this website and have been NC for 7 days now. I have not shopped for my daughters and even said I hate December…then I see this post today.
I keep wondering how good his Christmas will be with her being the first time he actually worked in 4 years but SHE gets the gift and if she is the same one he was with last year (I believe so). But just for a moment while reading this I thought “this is nothing new, why make it devastating because it is December?” I was upset thinking wow I am 34 and that was my last chance to have another child I refuse to start over, I fall too hard. Then read a comment about not having kids at all and I realize I am just being ridiculous right now. I can’t say that I won’t be back to being severely depressed in about 15 minutes but at least I can keep referring back to receive more inspiration and put this “December” thing away for good.
Hugs for you Nette. It comes and goes in waves – it’s okay to be depressed. You did the right thing. xoxo
Nette,
Me thinks he left his FB open intentionally on purpose so you would found out, as he had run out of excuses, what a weasel he had been. Now this December is shaping to be a good one for you, it of course does not feel like it, as you are in a middle of a depression. You broke his spell, it will be hard, easy disconnection only happen in movies.
Buy your daughters a present ( they deserve it,) and take are of them, then take care of you. Remove the – you have to be merry obligation- from this season and you will be close to ok.
You parted with a guy who did not treat you right, stay off the FB, do not watch sentimental movies, try Aliens with Sigourney Weaver or the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, anything involving a strong female part, stay off the sugar – brings you up and down again.
Everyday try a new thing, a little thing even, make a note of it, that will build your self confidence, and walk, forget anti-depressant pills, get yourself in the fresh air, and walk out the bad feelings and let the me – me- me in, take your daughters out with you. I know, you are in bed, unable to move, maybe you have not washed or brushed your teeth for a while, but eventually you will get better, write in a journal first thing in the morning, do not censure yourself, how you feel. The other woman is as unhappy as you used to be, do you want to be in her shoes?
Anything to detox the plonker out of your system and show to your daughters that a woman does not tolerate a man does that not treat her with care, love and respect.
Ugggghh ,the mother thing, omfg I am 55 and have never ever once managed to get her a gift she appreciates, even if I am buying the expensive stuff off her list..One year she got her ears pierced and wanted earrings..I spent three hundred dollars on two pairs of earings from the jewelers and adorable teddy bear that they fit in.. I bought her “favorite” stones in a medium size range..To say she was underwhelmed would be putting it mildly..But than I am supposed to jump with joy and appreciation over any little thing she gets me or she will say over and over and over “You didn’t like it did you…” Loved it Mom…Five minutes later, you didn’t like it did you..Her response to my gifts…OH” or My friend so and so would love this”…I used to spend more time energy and money shopping for her than anyone else on my list, and now I just wonder why?? If they are not going to like anything we buy them anyway, why knock ourselves out??? Actually she was the second person to go after EUM..I finally realized just why I would think the way he treated me was “normal”..Thanks Ma, for the gift that keeps giving….How to tolerate the untolerable, that is…
This will be my second Christmas/holiday season without my husband (and we’re not even divorced yet). It’s a sad time for me and yes, I feel lonely. I am doing NC with a AC/MM and while it’s hard (b/c I see him at church), I’m doing better. I have a question and I know that you’ll all say “why should I even care” but it’s more out of curiosity: this MM is not reaching out to me in any way. In fact, while he occasionally says hello, he tries to stay out of my way or even avoid me. It’s just as well (especially since his wife is around) but I’m just wondering if this is “expected” behavior, given how EU/ACs tend to act…And this is stupid to say but I feel a little insulted, like I was the one who came on to him. I don’t know how to behave when I see him at church, so I too try to stay out of his way.
Amy
His avoiding you is in fact good behaviour, not bad.
Don’t get it twisted.
This is an amazing post! It’s about time someone wrote something like this because you are absolutely right in all of it. There’s a ton of pressure around the holidays from retail, family, commercialism, relationship crap, etc etc. It’s so true. It is harder when you “see” people doing their “happy family” thing if your family is far away, or you are single and reminded of it. This really helps to get in a better frame of mind
Another excellent post! But you know, you are promoting INDEPENDENT THOUGHT. Opting out of Christmas insanity? Enjoying the holiday on your own terms? Madness!
Okay, the sheep line was genius …. Hahahahaha. That’s so beautiful. And wool makes me itch anyway.
This Christmas will be okay. It may be bah humbug of me (it’s not intended to be), but my family recently moved across the country and I am actually kind of glad that I can just relax with my grown son (who is still near me) and have a quiet xmas without the forced family cheer. Every year I make cookies and gifts and give them out to friends and family, but this year I’m thinking of skipping it. I want to sit back in my quiet home with a glass of red wine and look at my xmas tree and just enjoy the quiet. No drama, no pressure. The four years with the AC ruined every xmas, I was always worried he would leave me out ( he did ) or make plans with friends and invite me as an after thought (if he even told me). We never made any plans together and it always broke my heart that he didn’t care if I was around during the holiday. It became a sore subject between us and every holiday turned into a waiting game for me. I am so relieved that I am not going through that anymore. Being alone is much more peaceful than getting your chain jerked and left crying. I am dating someone new and am sure we will spend some time together, but honestly I’m not stressing about it. I refuse to put pressure on myself over a hyped up holiday. Celebrating in my own quiet way is a welcome treat this year.
Oh Natalie, you are so gooood! I never thought of Christmas and Crack in the same sentence but it really is Christmas Crack and it ends up with one deep hit and back to Nightmare on Assclownville Street. Hoping for a Miracle on Assclown Street and ending up in a Nightmare on Assclownville Street is absolutely one of your best ever. I loved the Miracle on 34th Street, one of my favorite holiday fantasies, next to the Nutcracker. I’ve been a fantasy junkie, although the best ever is a Christmas Story. So sorry you actually showed up in a bar dressed like that but you left.
I’ve always tried to be realistic during December even when I was married or attached, although I always overindulged my daughter. It was a time to be off work, plant flowers, and be calm.
The past 2 Decembers is where I went into a tailspin as a OW. It was really awful as the fact he was married and spending the holidays with his wife was brought into sharp relief. I couldn’t wrap myself in the fur coat of denial no matter how hard I tried. The first big break-up (which was really the break up despite suck it and see moments) was on December 19th last year. That was really it.
I’ll be spending this December, unattached, off the Christmas Crack, at the gym, on the hiking trail (weather permitting), just generally chilling, and looking forward to spring. I can smell the spring flowers and the spring allergies. I’ll be boycotting all companies who attempt to sell the “image” to make a profit, unless somebody wants to pay cash for a “Lexus to Remember” as well as the registration and insurance.
A much needed post and well said! This year is the first year that I am refusing to buy into what’s being sold and of course I’m enjoying get togethers and putting up the tree and the kid’s anticipation but in terms of feeling less than because I don’t have the perfect picture of a happy family at Christmas – happiness comes from inside and I will surely have more fun on my own than with someone who might not know my value. I’m dating again after taking a year away to sort myself out, but now I want to know what he can offer ME not the other way around. I’m so tired of hearing guys talk about what THEY want – now I’m ready for one who’s interested in what I want.
My favorite line (and new motto this week) “Unless you’re taking part in a nativity play, you’re not a sheep.” YEP!
I agree wholeheartily though I am a huge fan of Shaun the Sheep!;)
Quick holiday related question…
I dated a coworker for about 5-6 months. It ended badly because he couldn’t man up and say he didn’t want what i wanted and i was pathetic and refused to “let him off the hook” without “manning up”. Our last contact was in September, other than the awkward hello in the hallway when we happen to be trying to go through the same door at the same time. I’m okay 85% of the time. Had a bit of an emotional backslide this weekend because he ended up sitting right behind me at the company holiday party and I could smell his cologne and hear his laugh (which i used to love), but i made it through, shed a few tears on the way home and buckled down to maintain control.
We work in different departments, but they share spaces and have always done holidays together. There is a gift exchange, holiday lunch, and everyone exchanges cards and little gifts. Of course this is stressing me out. I have to give him a card/gift because nobody knew we were dating and it will be noticed if I give everyone but him one. Everyone will get the same thing (a restaurant.com gift card). I do generally write a personal note to each person telling them why I enjoy working with them, and I’m at a complete loss here. People display their cards on their desk and do read the notes in each others’ cards. Any thoughtful advice on how to handle this situation?
How about “Merry Christmas/Happy New Year, here’s to another prosperous year”. Or if his work really did impact yours is there an example you can cite and thank him for the teamwork. Keep it professional, being co-workers and thanking him for his efforts has absolutely nothing to do anything else. Work is work. Remember its only one day out of 365.
When all is said and done, it’s just a day.
If you’re alone, take advantage of the time.
If you are with friends and loved ones, cherish them and be glad for the support you have in your life.
Be thankful for the small things. The entire world economy is going down the toilet, so just be thankful for what you have.
Today I spent the day at the Occupy Port protest march at the Oakland, California port. We shut down the port the entire day and it is still going on this evening. Every West Coast port had protesters and shutdowns.
Xmas is just a day. Remember that if you get depressed. It will pass and be behind you like every other day. Enjoy what the holidays have to offer – plays, movies, lights, window shopping, Xmas crowds, trees, snow, whatever. Or go to a protest or do other volunteer work with the needy. Goddess knows there’s plenty of work to do.
I sent my ex a “Happy Thanksgiving” message and he never responded back to me. So I have decided that I WILL NOT send him a “Merry Christmas” text. Why should I set myself up for disapointment. I know I will have hurt feelings if he can’t even respond to my Merry Christmas text with one in return to me. So forget it, I will not send one. DOn’t need to be hurt anymore.
Your post = Amazing, just pure amazing. This time of year is always tough as ex-EUM of 5 years is also from my small hometown and my church. Going home for the holidays isn’t an escape, it’s walking into the lion’s den.
But I’ve taken my control back. I will miss my first christmas eve mass at my church because it’s not worth running into him this year. When I found this site, when I learned my mistakes and when I learned to slowly forgive myself, I made a new plan for the holiday season. I have a kind friend who’s letting me join her family at another church – it’ll be strange but I know God will hear me regardless.
Happy Holidays to everyone here – I won’t ever feel alone this holiday season because of this site and the people on here. 🙂
I sent my ex a “Happy Thanksgiving” text. And he could not be bothered to send me one back. It really made me sad, to think that I was not worth a response to my text. He was to busy with the new girlfriend and her family. So now that Christmas is on the way I refuse to send him a “Merry Christmas” text. No way will I set myself up to be hurt again. If he wants to send me one, fine. But I will not send him one first. So tired of letting him hurt my feelings all the time.
NC is best. It really does get better.
Happy holidays.
This Christmas I am going to strap on snowshoes, grab my ice axe and get heck as far into the backcountry as I can. I would never break NC but even though I am not Christian, the holidays still hurt. I have wonderful memories of that time with the wonderful man I was with for 12 years before having to come West for the job that paid enough and had health insurance. The contrast between then and now is incredible. Last year I did do the volunteer thing but it just reminded me that I was there because I am unwanted. Besides we should be giving towards others less fortunate than us all year and regardless of relationship status. I never was into the consumer aspects of the holidays so that part is of no consequence. The holidays do, however remind me of my aloneness, especially the xmas parties where there is no one to take with you so screw it this year. Happy Solstice!
Precisely what I need to read this morning, as I focus on ‘doing Christmas’ for me, my ten year old twins, my (very lovely) ex and my mother with her two husbands (ex and current, all of them aged over eighty and individually able to wind me up incredibly – after all, they’re my parents). The end of the year which held my epiphany relationship, pretty sure he won’t try breaking the No Contact, being very picky now about the men I choose to consider letting into my life (and all the rest). Thank you so much Nathalie for being out there – wish I’d found you sooner. You are the most amazing support. You make me laugh, you give me support, you’re right on the button. Happy Christmas to you
Well I have been out of a terrible excuse for a relationship for close to 11 months now (*high-fives self*). Last year this time I was so depressed, stressed out, lost about 2 dress sizes and down right unhappy. My friends and family were concerned about me and it was all because I let myself get wrapped up in that loser and almost lost myself in him.
My focus last year especially during the holiday season was on how to get him to change, why he was treating me this way, trying to make things better, trying to make myself into what he wanted, not “setting him off” and also putting on the facade to other people that everything was peachy keen when actually it was hell on earth and I was dating the devil’s step-son. Looking back I cringe but breathe a sigh of relief that I got out before it was too late.
This December my focus has moved from trying to beg, bribe and cajoule some absolute idiot into loving me, stop beating on me or just show common decency toward me. I am looking forward to the holiday season to get a break from work simply to kick back with my dearest friends and family and be easy and free and happy and me.
I already know that when I look back to this time of year at a later date I wont be overcome with saddness or the need to cringe. As I am right now I have no inclination whatsoever to reach out to any assclown from my past or act the damn fool all in the name of December. As you put it Nat, its just December. 🙂
I’m glad that I read this today because whilst I have finally started to feel better after 9 weeks of NC, I considered sending a “Merry Xmas or Happy New Year” text to someone who is clearly not interested in me. My self esteem is slowly starting to rebuild itself and I’m not going to let anything stop it. Yes, I am lonely but I do have good friends and family so I am going put in the effort and make the most of this superficial time of year. This has been one of the most difficult situations that I’ve dealt with I was on the verge of asking my doctor for antidepressants because at one point I couldn’t get out of bed! But I’ve learnt so much and I’m not going to let Xmas take me off track. Thanks NML xx
I totally agree with this post. I love Christmas time for the chance to spend quality time with my friends and family. I have over the years ditched the obligations such as the expensive presents for people who don’t matter, cards for people I scarcely know and the obligatory family visits with people that frankly I would prefer to cross over to the other side of the road for. I think the term is being authentic.
It’s not easy being authentic when the adverts start in October to persuade you to conform to the image of Christmas rather than your beliefs.
My ex will not be wished merry christmas and there will be no wishes for the new year. Christmas time is for spending with people you love AND who love you not for currying favour with ass clowns, pandering to low self esteem and believing that expensive gifts really mean you love someone more!
Thanks Nat – this came at the right time!!
This weekend I took the kids to the panto, decorated the house and the tree and was supremely grumpy through it all, telling myself ‘whats the point of decorating the house when there is no one to share it with’ – aaargh!!! Er, what about the two little ungrateful urchins in front of me?And mostly – what about me??!!!! It hit me how I do all this for others when I could do it for me – why can’t I decorate the house for me because I love me?
Then last night, after carols at church (where I sat next to the yummiest man! who he?) I’m thinking shall I invite the ex for drinks and a bit of a party because I want to buy in to the ‘loved ones’ christmas cheer – I’ve wanted it every year and not had it because I focus it all on the wrong people! And I knew that if I invited him round it would lead to something, and I do have a libido….but I visualised it through and I thought NO. I don’t want that drama again and he’s made it very clear he isn’t going to suddenly become my knight in shining armour. The last 2 Christmasses have been spent crying one way or another. The first christmas was sort of ok, I saw him in the afternoon but he needed me to leave early the next day for some reason and the second we weren’t really speaking, a few days later he gave me a book off his shelves with a ‘I don’t want to give you this but here you go’ . The thing is I want the lovely ‘family’ loved up vision but I was never going to have it with the ex – all he could manage was a text half way through the afternoon – and I remember being beside myself with sadness and anger as to why he hadn’t thought of me as soon as he had woken up that morning….
Well, I don’t have to go through that this year. I can make a choice. Sure I’ll be alone (the kids are at their dads) but isn’t that so much better than being with someone with whom I feel so bad? Isn’t it better to be alone with me and LOVE IT than stuck in a crappy place? So, I’ve got a whole load of dvds to watch, yum foods in and a bottle of Baileys and the knowledge that it is a significant step forward.
Hi Jane,
Since my break-up last year, I’ve been going through the why bother there’s no one to share it with all year. It took a few months and then recently I discovered, what about doing “it” for me? Yup, we can decorate the house just for us or not! Even though my daughter will be out of the country for the holidays and there is no “him”, I decorated for me. There is a great section in Nat’s book about doing for him in order to get him to give to you. I struggled with that section and Natalie and the wonderful folks on BR helped me to see, I could cut out the middle man and give directly to me.
Good for you for thinking through the consequences of inviting the ex over for some holiday cheer or holiday crack. Some how that cheer turns to tears. My last 2 Decembers have been spent in tears as he spent them with his wife and family (as he should) and texting me (as he shouldn’t). I hope you’ve burned the book or donated it to a library. Sheesh, just amazing.
I’ll be alone too and you helped remind me to get some yum foods and maybe some baileys too. It’ll be way better than being in that really crappy place waiting for a text. Here’s to a EUM/AC/MM/Text Free year, even if it is alone. Got to be true to myself!
I’m from the US and wondering what a “panto” is? Sounds fun.
“I’ve also had several Christmases – about fourteen of them actually – where the anxiety about buying a gift for my mother and ‘measuring up’ has had me overspending and/or being riddled with such a desperate urge to be validated that I’d feel ill.”
Yeah… we must have the same mother. 😐
Some years ago, I bought my mother and (now ex-) sister-in-law the same present but in different colors. I was so excited to give them their presents. Mother Dear said:
“How DARE you get us the same presents! I’m your mother! I’m supposed to get something better than this!”
😐
No “thank you”, no acknowledgement whatsoever. I said “You’re joking… right?” She said “NO! I’m not joking! How DARE you!” I said “You’re welcome”, completely dumbfounded. And by the way, she also said this in front of my (now ex-) sister-in-law. Real classy she is, that mother dear.
Oh, I forgot to mention that she MUST have her gifts wrapped. MUST. Xmas 2008 I asked her what she’d like and I got it for her. Everyone who knows me well (including her), knows that I hate gift wrapping & prefer those Xmas gift bags. I brought her the gift unwrapped and she picked an argument with me about that too. That’s the Xmas that I broke out into hives – she and some of the other immediate toxic relatives were there too. Never again. 😐
As far as relationships, please. My small bit of vengeance came when I moved because 99% of people had no idea that I was moving, including all ex-losers and any other losers that I used to talk to. I laugh to myself even to this day, picturing the poor sap (man or woman) who got my old phone number because they were likely bombarded with bullshit holiday texts. I ignored those texts then and I’d ignore them now if I got ’em. 🙂
Oh, I have one of those Mums too…she usually lays out the gifts from last year unopened(showing they weren’t suitable) near to Christmas, and if you are foolish enough( I no longer am)to ask her ‘Didn’t you like that’ you get a sad shake of the head..
Mind you these days, I just gather them up, put them in a bag and tell her we can hand them into a charity shop! Lets have a mince pie!
Some people are just so inappropriate. At a party I went to last year with my ex, one of his relatives paraded around with her expensive and frankly beautiful gift telling everyone how it’wasn’t her type of thing’ and slagging it off!
I am so glad that I will not have to witness so much of this shocking rudeness this year.
How ridiculous. Never again. 😉
I am happy, off the drama, chilled and selfishly occupied with my own happiness. No more spending a fortune on a sexy outfit to be the Belle of the Ball ( that is the sell pitch ) when I know I will spend my evening pulling the dress up and holding on to my 5 inch heels because my feet hurt, have Panda eyes, be longing for the unavailable guy and snogging the creep.
I try to do the understated sexy. ( well at least in my head)
I spend a Christmas party recently with a friend of a friend who had broken up with a twat. She had a sexy frock ( from the Plenty More Fish in the Sea so Don’t Look Miserable shop on but had the look of the single and devastated – ( a look I know well from my own mirror) when the season of be happy is forced down your throat.
She got on my nerves, “ poor me, poor me, all men are sh*ts , all the good ones are taken, I am too old now and nobody will want me”. That is usually my line with the “ I will die alone, eaten by cats”. She had been with the twat for 7 years, but had the courage to leave him, ( he cheated) I pointed that out, had a self-esteem in the minus, and dreaded Christmas at home because she was going to be described as 42 and childless despite the fact that she is accomplished and has many things going for her. I felt I was reading a column by Liz Jones, then her pain was getting to me, because really she reminded of me when I feel sorry for myself, be kind to her I thought , because you have been there woman, she gets on your nerves because her weakness and vulnerability reminds you of your own, so be kind.
I tried to make her feel better, told her to let go of the fantasy she had in her head and look at what she had, instead of auditing all that was missing. We were surrounded by young girls, laughing and happy, and she felt like Scrooges, I felt that it is better to be miserable alone rather than “coupled” with someone who makes you miserable and wondering why you are unhappy. At least you can explore who you are, read and learn what makes you tick so when your head matches your heat and you are open to a relationship you choose someone decent and worthy. She got panda eyes and there will be no pictures of me looking drunk and disorderly on the dance floor.
Artemisia, I hear you and I loved your funny approach. “Panda-eyes”…LOL – I too thought who am I to roll my eyes as I know how it feels and tried to support a sister through her grieve, especially watching her doing all the crap I did myself. She acts like a magnifying mirror to all those behaviours of a love obsessed which sometimes made me blush in recognition. I fell into the trap of BE-KIND-TO-A-FELLOW-SISTER. It was a big mistake to listen to her, as she is unwilling to own a millimetre of her part in it (pursuing a gay man) even after a year. She runs around telling everybody how miserable he made her life, even coquets with suicide and loves all the attention it buys her. Meanwhile it just makes me angry and like your friend she gets only on my nerve. It would mean relapsing into florencing if I listened any further. Let’s focus back on us as sometimes people have to run their marathons for their very own reasons in their pace – even on a beermat… all the best to you. 🙂
Arlena,
Thank you. Christmas cheers to you.
Blushing in recognition. About that lol.
I was in love with my gay friend in my early twenties, tried to seduce him once (I was stoned) even his then-boyfriend had a chat with me, telling me that was inappropriate lol. We are still very close friends and now I listen to the crappy love life of his now ex-boyfriend. Isn’t life funny, it either smack you in the face or tickle you funny bone sometimes.
My gay friend was and is – all that my father wasn’t – kind, gentle, not a bully and overbearing, respectful of sexual boundaries ( and gay – can’t have a clearer boundary than that) he believed in me when I was made of self-loathing, of course I tried to ruin in and made a fool of myself because I did not believe I deserved a kind man and did not know what treated with respect was like. He was kind and did not abandon me, others did and I understand why. I was a mess, not open,grounded or emotionally awake.
I drove many people crazy then by my apparent bizarre self-destructive behaviour, and I did not like to hear the truth, mainly because I could not handle it and my self-loathing made me tone deaf. Now I practice a form of active listening, with people like my sad friend or old version of me. A way to weed out vampires, I avoid telling them what they want to hear while being kind and showing compassion. If they persist on playing the same record, I jam the needle, hard. lol . And I aim not to be blind about my own shortcomings or be ashamed by my own mistakes, nothing like shame to keep you stuck.
The truth is that we do all sorts of things to ourselves just to make ourselves feel better when we’re trying to get through or over a bad relationship, or any type of relationship for that matter, and most of them aren’t in our best interests. We girls- and maybe guys though not as much – will sacrifice our self worth, dignity, and emotional health just for a quick fix. Then live to regret it. We are emotional creatures and are made to need closeness and support from others, the way I see it. We just don’t think clearly sometimes especially when we are alone, and/or grieving.
I remember a couple of years ago my MM AC called me EVERY day or we saw each other a lot – until Christmas Eve, then Christmas Day. Talk about pain and humiliation- I was good enough (in his eyes) to spend time with and talk to every day BUT the important ones, despite our years long relationship and us being “in love”! I still remember that and it still hurts.
Love the nativity scene and sheep comment, Nat! Thanks for the reminder – I was just thinking how much I’d love to hear his voice-
No contact is a wonderful thing. It’s a gift that you can give at this time of the year to all those people who really add nothing to your life, like toxic mothers, toxic family members and toxic friends who suck you dry.
Why not make this Christmas and Holiday time the time to give the gift of NO CONTACT to allow you to disconnect from these people who really man you no good.
No Contact, the gift that gives and gives……..to YOU!
Nette
Our stories are very similar. It is just over a year ago that my exes bit on the side left her FB page open and i read their unfolding relationship online whilst he was living in a different city with me. Xmas last year was awful as he was spending the entire time with her and he boys as i kicked him out. I sat alone at Xmas whilst he played happy families with her. Don’t associate Xmas with him it really isn’t worth it. Men that cheat are cowards at best and no doubt karma will kick him up the arse or he will cheat again. Leopard and spots. She had written on her FB some dreamy shit about if you let them go they come back to you. I swallowed that crap for 13 years but with the help of my friends, family and BR i got off the relationship crack with him for good. Enjoy this time with your friends and family. It is afterall just another day 🙂
natalie – you are the gift that just keeps on giving!
i can’t wait to call my family cracker-jacks – when they start the usual bickering. i think having a sense of humor is probably the best medicine around. the way you describe things is not just spot on, but, very amusing. and, while i am “alone” this christmas – i am not a crying, ridiculous mess & that is priceless. thanks again, you are a treasure. merry christmas from the usa!
Miracle on Assclown Street!! LOVE. Last Christmas I was on the receiving end of the ol’ Houdini by my ex (classy, huh?), so this year is of course exponentially better 🙂
First of all, I want to say thank you to Natalie, I ran across your website a couple of months ago and it has literally echoed my own scenario and sometimes exact circumstances, the confusion and entanglement on my part. The red flags, the feelings of desperation, the behaviour of these apparantly broken men. Also, my refusal to make changes and see the truth, stop living in lala land, and get on with my life without looking back, (that’s a hard one when there really was little honesty on his part, so it becomes a challenge to have closure )
Plus, your writing is WONDERFUL. I do believe you are much more insightful than even some therapists.
I have been fighting back these same relationship crack urges since late Oct when my EUM departed from the states to go study (of all things) theology at Oxford University in England.
Shortly after he left when I was busy being Miss Caretaker selling his vehicle for him, depositing money in his bank, (Also spent several weeks leading up to his departure helping him prepare his house for being sold, packing, etc.) I discovered a card right beside my Valentine card from another woman in an open box in his garage.
Although it felt like a knife was plunged in my heart, it was at the same time relief to know what his behaviour was really about, including his cell being shut off weeks before he left, callous sexual comments (always believed him to be so caring) his talk of being numb and needing a change, spending HUGE amounts of time with his daughter, the daughter that he walked out on with no way to continue child support while he is studying theology, the divorce that was left hanging not finalised ( yes, he was also married when we met 4 yrs ago, his wife was an alcoholic, I know, I know, she actually left him two summers ago, at which point I convinced myself with more crack dreams that we had a chance and he would return to be that loving kind romantic man whom I knew in the beginning.)
Add to that, him asking me to remain true and save myself sexually for him including asking me to get Skype so we could have internet sex while he was away.
After much insanity web digging and detective behaviour, I got information about the new girl, including, she took him to the airport with his daughter (whom he never allowed me around), she wrote a book about Oxford that he helped publish, she is here in US awaiting his…
Hi Marcelle,
Your relationship with this guy should be over, for your sanity and peace not just for Christmas but forever. You deserve to give yourself the chance of happiness by moving on.
Like many of us on site, there came a point when you couldn’t ignore the signs that there was a third wheel around. Yours was a card, mine a pic of a sex toy emailed from an ex, could be a shady text , a disappearing act, blah de blah. It’s disrespect.
You hoped for more, got much less.
But,he has made a choice. The new girl took him to airport, with his daughter(that must hurt I know…) but you’ve got to see he is voting with his feet and get your head high. Walk away.
There is nothing put pain left for you with a guy like this. He leads a complicated life, he can’t make a decision, he doesn’t pay for his child.He’s in another country and suggested sex by Skype!!!
Leave him to the dreaming spires of Oxford and see the New Year as an opportunity for yourself and yourself alone.
What’s so significant about december? Personally, it’s a time of taking stock, introspection, it’s about the renewal of resolutions, promises and a time for projection into the new year. You’re absolutely right, NML, that december shouldn’t give any license to let go off our boundaries, which only leads into regression back into Assclown street.
I remember my last 2 decembers, I was a wreck one year and the next year saw me dating someone else but still subconsciously embroiled/in love with the ex-EUM (it can be an especially difficult/trying period when Christmas, his birthday and New Year’s eve all happen within the span of one week.. it’s these occasions that ostensibly serve as an excuse to re-establish contact, he certainly used all this to test the waters, said he was depressed over the thought of turning 45, was lonely and missed me and I fell for his tricks). At least for myself, I didn’t want to seem mean and petty by rebuffing him. This december, I’m making a firm commitment to myself. I don’t believe I will be contacted anyway and as each day passes, it becomes less and less important to know why he isn’t contacting me because I am clear why I don’t want to contact him. I fantasized so much about spending this period with him, huddling together under the sheets in the cold of winter, cooking dinner. But it never happened and I’m letting go off my fantasy. No more sentimentalizing or getting fuzzy warm feelings in my stomach. The last two decembers saw me pining, wishing and praying for him to remain in my life, as a lover/friend etc, in *any* capacity, I would be grateful if he was just around and so he was! My wishes came true, with dire, painful and self-destructive consequences. Now I am very careful about what I wish for.
Thanks for this. I went out on one date with my teenage sweetheart ex-boyfriend (we’re in our 30s now) the other day, and I have started entertaining the idea of perhaps building a committed relationship with him. It’s very early days and I’ll be happy if it’s just friends or if it turns into more- I just enjoy his company. I know I’m not ready for any full-on relationship yet and I know I am not even slightly interested in any half measures. It’s time for the relationship I deserve- a loving, sexy, funny and respectful one. But the fact that Christmas is around the corner has certainly added pressure to the do-I/don’t-I get involved with him thought process. If my life was a chick flick, then that’s what would happen! We’d be snuggled up by the fire, in love drinking wine together. I think the other thing is that plenty of our friends are now married and have children, for the first time, so this feels a tiny bit like that game musical chairs from when we were children. It’s like Christmas is here and suddenly we’re looking around seeing that everyone else has a chair to sit on and we’re sort of lost, out of the game or something. I think I like this guy as a person too much to rush into anything with him before I’m really ready to have a boyfriend. So thank you for the well-timed reminder that Christmas is not about dating. It’s actually about family not sex. It’s about spending time with the family you were born into, the family of friends you’ve created or the family you have started with your significant other. It’s is not about jumping into new relationships so much as about celebrating thr relationships that are already there. And thanks for reminding me that “so what about how my life LOOKS. What matters is how my life IS that counts!” And my life is just fine thanks and it’s getting better every day. And once it’s even better and I’m really happy inside myself, then I can get in a relationship that reflects this. I look forward to finding myself in that position but for now, I’m grateful for what and who I have in my life.
Sorry everyone, my last post adhered to my drama infused story.
Needless, my whole point is that I understand after reading all these other posts and Natalies blogs, that I am not alone.
These type of men, whether they be narcissistic, psychopath, EUM, or downright players and assclowns are very skilled manipulators, causing destruction and broken hearts if we allow it.
I spent the past two months grieving a relationship that as it turns out, may have been an illusion from day one.
I have also seen the real HIM over time as his behaviour changed, I played Florence Nightingale, I played sexy lovergirl, we were fellow musicians as well, and what I thought was best of friends. In the final days with him, everything began unraveling and after his departure and me confronting what I had found out about the other girl, his response was nothing short of callous.
So, I am am SO grateful his phone was turned off, and I could’nt contact him if I had a drama crack attack. I am SO grateful that I will spend my Christmas focusing on my children, and family and friends that are REAL people, not just an illusion. I am SO grateful I won’t have that longing on Christmas for him to show up and be authentic, allowing it to ruin my day with my kids.
To all the ladies who are also on this path of self discovery and letting go of our baggage, happy holidays. let’s start loving ourself with the same commitment as we loved these men.
Merry Christmas, and best of luck that we remain “clean and free” of the drama and pain.
Right on time again Nat just when i needed the proverbial SLAP, you did it again Girl.! PS Love the humour, it makes it so real xx
Great wise and timely post! I recently created relationship drama in my life that I’m sure can be attributed to the pressure I felt from December. And, I’m already having anxiety about the most crazy-making December day – the 31st. It has been years since I had anything I would consider a good New Year’s Eve (the last few were especially dreadful) and even the good ones way back when weren’t always that great… At this point, I have no plans and am trying to be cool with that and not buy into the hype and make it into an indictment of my overall life or let it make me feel like a loser. Sigh.
On a more upbeat note, I truly laughed out loud at this fabulous sentence:
Unless you’re taking part in a nativity play, you’re not a sheep.
Thank you Natalie!
As the days go past and I continue to read these posts and comments daily, I become more and more aware of the true nature of my ex relationship with AC/EUM and it horrifies me and gets to the pit of my stomach but this Christmas, unlike the past 5, I won’t be trying to get him to spend time with me, crying in toilets etc etc I will be enjoying, as best I can, time with family but mostly I will be enjoying being free of the AC and knowing that I am getting stronger and stronger everyday and one day he will barely be a memory and I will be reaping the rewards of what I have learned from this terrible mess I allowed myself to get embroiled in ~ never again! Stand firm ladies, once we get through this it will be happy days for us where as they still have to live with themselves and even if they do decide to sort themselves out and become decent, honest human beings, boy have they got some work to do!!!!!
But…but…in the movies there’s always a last minute dramatic gesture on the part of the guy that erases all of his inconsiderateness and neglect! Yeah I know, I know. This is another thing that we get sold. And it creates such skewed expectations. I’ve been on the receiving end of the last minute dramatic gesture. It did feel like a movie. But it didn’t amount to squat in the end!
Thank you, girls! I really draw strength from reading all the comments and stories – makes me feel less lonely. Bless the day I found BR!
Big hugs!!
Blessings To All My SiStars.
NML you are best! Thank you for the Connections.. I dont mind sharing you with my fellow Sistars..Stay strong yall. Remember Loving yourself is the best love affair ever. Keep yourselves busy. I am going to help at the local thrift shop. Walk an elderly person across the street. And Smile for no reason at all. Shit Go Green. Enjoy the many blessings that you already have.
One Perfect Love
Sissharri
Thank you for a great post, spot on as usual. My last few Decembers have been riddled with assclowns and tears, and after reading this I am determined more than ever to make this one an assclown-free holiday season. I will NOT answer any lame assclown texts wishing me happy holidays. I will not answer any lame emails from assclowns that weren’t there when I needed them but are now hoping to score a ‘christmas present’ by offering to take me out to dinner. I am going to buy myself the largest most beautiful bouquet of flowers for Xmas and spend time with my family and friends. Hopefully I will meet a nice man next year but for now I’m not going to worry about it. Cheers xoxo
This is a good one. I have met all my eum’s around the holidays. As a matter of fact, for years if I met someone any other time, I wasnt ‘in to them’ as much. Weird huh? I have always loved Christmas even as a child, its the most magical time, even if I was just dumped, divorced etc…none of that could diminish my joy at this time of year. I did have an eum contact me about 4 weeks ago to date again, I’m assuming it was because of the holidays. I know why people get hooked up during the holidays, they want to be with someone. I dont think that it is an unnatural feeling, quite the opposite. On my new job I’ve been traveling with some people who are either married or in a relationship and they keep talking about all the ‘couple’ things they are doing. And for the first time I have really recognized my loneliness at this time of year and I completely understand why I got into relationships even if they were awful and unfulfilling. Because even though I have a family I love to hang out with and friends to do all sorts of holiday fun with, it doesnt take the place of having a close/intimate relationship.
Natalie and everyone. The holidays are difficult to get through when you’re alone. But, you don’t have to be lonely because there are many other women friends who are in the same situation. Try to have plans in place. This is also, let us not forget, the most suicidal time of the entire year. Many of us become depressed without a recent break-up or some kind of trauma we’ve had. We just get depressed and don’t understand why. I had always said to myself that my ex-MM was only going to be a summer fling. Ironically, that is exactly what happened. About 4 of the six months I wasted on him were great, but the last two months was when I experienced gradual and total disillusionment. He was a master manipulator, con artist, etc., and such a liar that to this day I don’t know what he said was the truth and what was a lie. I am just soooo glad I came to my senses in September. It’s been long enough now that I won’t be sitting around waiting for my phone to ring, hoping he’ll arrange to see me, spending New Year’s Eve alone and broken-hearted. No. I’m going to visit my daughter who is 800 miles away on Dec. 20 and will have a wonderful time with my grandchildren. I’ll be back on Dec. 30, and will be going to 10pm church service with my girlfriend on New Years Eve. Once January 1 rolls in New Years Eve is no different than any other night of the year. I am so looking forward to all of this. I have been severely ill, in and out of the hospital from August 2007 through July 2010. So this is the first holiday season I will be able to celebrate in a long time. I have so much to be thankful for. My health is back and that poor excuse for a man is GONE. I successfully maintained NC and he is rapidly becoming a distant memory. Ladies, make your plans. Don’t sit around waiting for someone else to manage your life for you. If an unhealthy relationship required you to go NC, be GLAD you did it before now so you won’t be feeling sorry for yourself, still wasting precious time waiting for him to make a booty call. Enjoy yourself and live life on YOUR terms. Happy and healthy holidays to us all!
Since I discovered this site, I am coming regularly. English is not my first language so excuse me for possible grammar mistakes.
I met through the work a man, 3 years younger than me. It has started as a friendship but later …you know…. December 31 is coming but he is silent…I know that he has a plan with his family ( both are extremely rich so divorce is not an option, both under 35)…but I think to create a drama and ask him to be with me and since he will not be able, I can break up…otherwise…not brave…seems that my v…..still has the last word….
InLove
Divorce is always an option. He doesn’t want to take it.
…and wealth has zilch to do with it: in fact, wealth would enable both to survive without marriage and without hardship. Divorce is an option: you are just looking for excuses to stay and calling it love.
ILWM, Tell your v to go f*ck herself. Bit harsh I know, but v’s are terrible judges of character, and are directly responsible for a whole haze of emotions. Haven’t you often found that in the light of not sleeping with someone, he can often seem incredibly normal, even uninteresting, and, hell, sometimes despicable? Do break up with this married man and do it without drama – use this Christmas to be brave, dignified, and create the distinct possibility for a nicer, more realistic, and far more happy 2012! If you make the ending dramatic, the pain of separation will be far more intense because you’ll also be regretting whatever you said/did. You don’t need shame on top of hurt under your Christmas tree!
in Love with married
By pass the drama (and the pain) and go cold turkey. Go NC.
Don’t offer an explanation, don’t seek to have the last word.
Have another obssession, like building your self-esteem and stick to it.
learn the word – plonker: dope, idiot, moron, wally, pillock, dunderhead, dimwit from the Urban dictionnary.
SAY : I am free from you plonker. You are just using me to get my back at your wife because you are not getting what you need from the marriage and too chicken to ask for it. You are not a real man and I am not a side dish. F.off to your golden shackles – I am free, you are not, you coward.
Thank you for the comments and support. Thank you for the thousend times. We exchanges messages only trough the facebook since sms texting is not secure…my life was depending on the “f” sign on my mobile…Not anymore…
He is using me…divorce is always the option….I will let you know what is happening….
Of course divorce is an option, but he does not want that option.
Your V does not have the last word, this is what you’re allowing!
Even if he did get a divorce, how could you ever trust him??
I would ask, why you are willing to settle for so little? MM offer nothing! Time to take some control and find someone who is single and available!
@ SM. All those “couple things” are really not that great and most of my friends grimace through them so don’t be envious.
Thanks for the sharing NML. I have maintained no see for 3 months and no contact for 3 weeks. This Friday is my holiday work party and it is the same night/same place each year. I could put $100 down that the MM will appear at the resturant lurking about and talking to my cooworkers. He will text me how beautiful I look, join conversations, and if I do not give him a response he will do something embarrasing (esp if he is drunk). I have spent the last week or two thinking about how I will handle this, and it makes me incensed that I am even spending time thinking about this. AND THEN if he doesn’t come I will keep looking at the door or bar to see if he is there. It only fuels my annoyance more to think that I could have maintained NC many times before and would care less by now. It’s my own fault but I really don’t want to live like this anymore. This holiday is different for me because I really don’t care anymore. I feel nothing, I just don’t want to have to leave my party because I am uncomfortable. I feel nothing but gratitude that I am in this place of happiness by myself!
Thanks for sharing NML, I know I’m not the crazy one here.
Sharon I know! I dont know why its bothering me this year. The years I’ve been single at Christmas have been the best and there’ve been quite a few of them. I’m one of the people who really like hanging out with my family and my friends and I have had holiday stuff planned for the last 4 weeks all the way til Christmas weekend. I just got a new job making a lot more money, I love my new coworkers and I am now working with one of my favorite long time friends. I am very excited and optimistic about 2012 and I certainly dont need an eu/ac coming in and ruining all that. I even started eating healthy and have lost 16 pounds over the last 3 months and am a size I love. So why am I really feeling it that I am alone this year, no idea.
Finally drama-free!!! This time last year I was waiting for the MM, two years ago I went to a wonderful place- a medieval castle in the mountains, there was snow and everything like in a fairy tale. I couldn’t even smile. I went with some boring couples, thinking that I am the only single woman in the world. I remember that I spent the night checking the phone for messages from the MM. When I came back home, I was convinced that he was my only option.
No more drama, no more phone checking, no more Miss No Option.
I’m free!
THANK YOU, NAT!!! THANK YOU LADIES!
Artemisia
Your last few comments have been most helpful I keep re-reading them. I’m always looking to find ways to get the future faking, liar out of my head. He faked a future with me and I fell for it, even though I have been NC for 9 weeks it’s still dominating space in my head! I just want to move on and have even considered anti depressants because I just want to be over it! People have told my not to force it but I hate feeling low/depressed it just isn’t me. I’ve thrown my self into work I’m even going to be a bridesmaid at my best friends wedding this week, I’ll be able to put on a brave face for her but I’m just hurting so much inside. I think what triggered it was his very sudden but passive rejection of me. He just stopped calling/texting, stood me up and has refused to give me a reason. I just want to get on with my life and leave this behind but my mind just goes there all the time. Does anyone know what I mean?
Stephanie
Yes we ALL know what you mean.
No you won’t get an explanation from him.
If you do get an explanation it will be unsatisfactory.
Stick to NC, trust in the process. More importantly, trust in yourself. No, you can’t force it but continue to do stuff. Enjoy being bridesmaid, though I have to say that’s the last thing I’d have wanted post breakup! Good for you.
Stephanie,
Thanks.
I have been there. I have had a few EU, obviously or I would not to be on this site. I outgrew the habit, got tired of feeling like crap because a man did not give me what I wanted. I was a strong woman yet I accepted crumbs from a man and as a feminist that was embarrassing really. I recognized my patterns and accepted my part in the shenanigans, it was not all the EU fault, we got together because we fitted well, if he was a EU, I was also on the same level emotionally.
I understand you are depressed, for me depression is anger turned inward but it also a safe pause for us , waiting for our brain to adapt to a new situation. Our brain is screaming – NO, NO , NO IT CAN’T BE , I CAN’T HANDLE IT GIVE ME TIME PLEASE. It goes slow and shut down a few things playing for time, so look at things differently and help along. Do a journal, write 3 pages 1st thing in the morning without censure (Julia Cameron advise that) see the evolving feelings.
Don’t go on pills, invest in trainers, walk to work, if you can’t, go to the gym, I am not kidding, I am not one of those crazy gym bunnies but I have realized that I have a tendency to melancholy. As I stress easy I need exercise to be not so prone to absorb anxiety like a sponge absorbs water. For your low level mood maybe check out an acupuncturist ( I don’t own shares in a needle factory but I find that acupuncture really works for me for anxiety or even a massage – massage schools do reduce rates- nothing beats human touch for grounding and feeling at one with the world rather than beaten by it).
Of course it hurts when a man stops calling, he has done the NC on you. Bet he is aware he has used you and can’t face it no longer, so he is not calling. He is ashamed, not contacting you lessen the shame he feels. The truth is that he was a coward and could not tell you that you were not right for him/he had a girlfriend/he was acting out sexually and wanted to seduce to feel like a man again because his girlfriend was acting like his mother/he was a shit. You seem like a good person – lets agree that he is not.
To survive the wedding do yourself a deal : you will not put a brave face on it, you will allow yourself to feel all the happiness in the world because it’s your friend’s day and your crap-EU behaviour towards you will not ruin the day for her. It’s not about you, it’s her day. And because you are not an EU you can understand that and act on it.
You will feel happiness because happiness is contagious and by allowing it that day you will know that it will be possible and remember the feeling the day after. You will not feel joy as something that is missing in your life but as something you can recognize and let it enter your life again and appreciate because you know what feeling like crap is like. It does not depend on a man, you can create it, you, the woman who is feeling like crap right now. Take a minute at the time.
Do you know Kisa Gotami story?
She lost her child and mad with grief she was advised to meet with Buddha, who told her that he would bring her child back to life if she could find mustard seeds from a family where no one had died, but she could not find a house that had not been touched by death, and she accepted that pain and suffering is inevitable.
Accept your pain,don’t block it, have a good cry – it gets rid of toxins- feel it and soak up your friend happiness on her day as remedy.
Artemisia: great response, especially the first 2 paragraphs. Your comment actually gives me food for thought too – remembering that even when we’re not doing well emotionally, we should still be there for our loved ones during their happy moments instead of focusing on “woe is me”. Thanks.
Spinster,
Reading what I wrote, I want to add that I am aware that when you are depressed you are so overwhelmed that thinking of others is impossible. Having been depressed I know that hearing “ think of your daughters/friends/mother” might not help – or worse, it adds to your depression because it makes you feel even more like an inadequate human being for not being there for them – letting them down as well as letting yourself down.
Actually when you are depressed, focusing on something else than that drowning state, another person can help as long as it helps you lift the fog and makes you retrace the steps towards the real you. Getting to that point sometimes is a real struggle in itself.
As I remember my depressed state , I was permanently drowning, not feeling very much, in a fog, and not knowing who I was, loved ones did not register. Many women in my family had the same problems when I was growing up. They were in relationships that were not fulfilling. They had been reared believing that marriage and children would bring fulfillment and it did not, so there was something wrong with them. Instead the person they had married was not right for them ( in case of my great-aunt, shot-gun married by her brother because she was with child, 3 suicide attempts were dealt with denial) and blamed themselves. Sometimes they used their children as partner-replacements, that worked for them, yet it did nothing to sort their depression while shoring up emotional problems for their children. My mother is also depressed, unwilling to sort it out, “I will not talk about my problems to a stranger – therapist – ” she says and she was a very moody and scary woman growing up.
Many women develop physical illness because they are unhappy within the relationship. I know a woman whose asthma attack vanished when her husband died. Bad love makes you sick.
As we live in a Cartesian world – body vs brain, I really believe we need to bypass this system, the East deals with it better, it makes no difference. If you are in a crap emotional relationship it will take a toll on your body and in turn will bring on depression. Our bodies soak up bad vibes before our brain register a crap association, panic attacks were my warnings that the guy I was with was an EU. Bodywork – I used to have discounted shiatsu massages at the school by students – did wonders for me.
Pardon the late response Artemisia. Thanks for the extra food for thought. 🙂
I realised today that for the last few days I have been flip flapping (no wonder I fell for a flip flapper!) between forgiveness towards the AC/EUM, to hating the lying cheating using no good b*****d to even thinking, ahhh, it’s not his fault, he can’t help it ~ or can he, to, it’s mostly my fault ~ he said to me if only I was patient I
would get everything I wanted, i.e, the wedding, to, I wonder if I should wish him seasons greetings ……… Thank goodness for Natalie, this site and all you sistas cos with all you’re helP, this time I am NOT going to break NC. It is 3 weeks tomorrow and already it is getting better, these ups n downs I have to accept but him and his behaviour I don’t! I am and will continue to get better, hold tight ladies, do not give in, they
are not worth it and even more importantly they are dangerous, the AC I was with was and is a master manipulater and give an inch and he will take a mile, I am boarding up my door so not even a crack of light gets in, he’s had all the ego strokes etc he’s gonna get from me. He hasn’t even attempted to cintact me anyway, which I admit bothers me but in the grand scheme of things it doesn’t matter and before long I know I won’t care a damn so I just need to keep getting it into perspective and look forward to an AC free Christmas and hand on heart, I don’t care if I am in the house all by myself on new years eve cos at least I won’t be with him and this next year I have a lot to look forward to, greater self esteem, confidence, boundaries, living my life for me etc etc etc and I am never alone, now I have you ladies, I was gonna say. Good luck and much love to all of you xxx
The EUM/MM texted me to wish me a Merry Christmas, to say hi to my Mom, and to keep in touch. Haven’t heard from him since October 31. His pattern is if I don’t respond, he won’t leave me alone. I am such an idiot. Wished him a Merry Christmas and told him it was nice to hear from him! I didn’t even mean it, it was just kind of a pleasantry, something I would say to someone I haven’t heard from in a while. It felt wrong not to answer just this once, it being Christmas. What the hell is wrong with me? I had no intentions of speaking to him again, I broke NC! Should have read this post. Someone slap me please.
NTL, don’t be too hard on yourself. Just go back to NC. It was just a pleasantry: it’s not like you texted back that you were sitting by the fire wearing nothing but a Santa hat! You exchanged some polite words, he doesn’t get or need any more than that, and no need for you to make it a big deal. “Nice to hear from you” is no biggie. Keep calm and carry on.
Grace
Thanks!! To be honest I don’t particularly want to be bridesmaid but it’s my best friend and she would be so disappointed if I didn’t do it. Also after thinking about it I might regret not doing it when I’m finally over this! Once again thanks, I hope I don’t sound like I’m the only one going through this because I know I’m not. 🙂
Remember to be GOOD to your CHILDREN this Holiday Season. When I was about ten years old & my brother was 7, we opened a Christmas card together that arrived in the mail. It said “Merry Christmas DADDY” and inside read “From your Baby Girl…. Love Melissa.
….well, what a huge horrible shock for my brother & I, because I was our dad’s only girl – so we believed. My father had an illegitimate baby girl, named Melissa. Her mother was not thinking very clearly when she dropped that card in the mail – to be opened by the children of her AC lover – my dad.
…that true story ended years later in a divorce of my parents. My brother and I were uprooted from our happy home, our wonderful brick house, away from our dear friends, and away from our very good school. My brother and I never never had a happy childhood after that moment, of that card received by us….
I somehow manage to be Peaceful at Christmas… but usually feel very sad and depressed on Mother’s day. Seems like from the time of that card sent, I have lived my life totally alone. No family, no husband, no children., and also no parents because they are now both dead.
Thank you for posting that Angel Face. Because for all the posts from the OW’s on here, you just showed the face of the ‘real’ victims of the MM.
AngelFace, I’m incredibly touched by your story – what an absolutely deplorable thing for the Other Woman to do. You were like collateral damage. I can relate somewhat to your story only most of it happened when I was older. My father repeatedly told me how devastated he was that he wasn’t able to be there as he should have been as a child. I always consoled myself with the fact that aside from myself and my brother, he only had my two half sisters with his wife. Then just over five years ago, five minutes before we were due to arrive at a family christening, he called me and told me that he had a “surprise”. It had been my birthday the previous week – I haven’t had a birthday present since I was about 5/6. I actually felt naively excited. Instead he told me that I had a then, 16 year old sister, the product of an affair. The blind fury and rejection was devastating although I didn’t even know it was what I felt at that time. When we got to the church a few minutes later with the boyf holding me tightly, part comfort, part restraint, we sat down. He tapped me on the back and when I turned around, he was smiling like the silly ‘ole soak he is, and he introduced me to her. So much for feeling riddled with pain and guilt over being separated from us… Oh and I was also told when I was 12 (although I’m not actually sure if it’s true), that he’d wanted to call one of my sisters ‘Natalie’…
I want to give you a big squeezy hug. I don’t think that your father truly thought far enough to consider the impact of his actions. I hope that the OW regretted her actions – it sounds like a desperate and attention grabbing act that went horribly wrong. I hope that in time, you can create the life that you want – don’t let it all go with that card. Not everyone is like your father. There can be that fear of happiness and whatever security have being snatched from us but when we have a large part in creating it for ourselves, it’s a lot harder for it to be ripped away. An Unsent Letter I think could be very helpful especially as your father isn’t here – write out the anger and hurt. I’d even write one to the OW but it may also be helpful to write one to the little girl inside of you – a kind one. ((((hugs)))))
Natalie,
Thank you so much, and I’m sorry you went through something similar when you were a little older than me. I really appreciate YOU and all the good you are doing for so many people!
SM, Thank you too for your comment.. It is good to protect the innocent people… in all of these dysfunctional relationships. The EUMs have a ripple effect of pain and harm to many people.
I am having a very Happy Season! Merry Christmas to us all..
Thanks as always Natalie, for anticipating what my vulnerable mind is thinking and stopping me before I do something I’ll regret. (My B-day is after Christmas, so it’s a double-whammy)…
On that note, I’m wondering if you can give more advice on the moving on process, after someone has instituted NC for sometime. It feels like it’s so hard to meet someone! I “took out the trash,” but at times it seems like the good stuff will never come along. The statistics about single women are discouraging. Any hope?? What to do with the “what if I never find someone” thoughts that also tend to creep up this time of year?
Taking out the trash and offloading tonnes (yes I have TONNES) of baggage is the first step. There are no guarantees but you need to do it.
At the moment I have been 8 months in to NC, and I has taken this long to recover from a fantasy/betting-on-potential non-relationship that never officially took off.
I’m currently into month 6 of the dating ban, and it has managed to clear my head. I’m going through my ‘friendships’ and weeding out the dodgy ones and making new ones to replace them. Boundaries are being expanded everywhere like never before and it feels awkward but now I’m getting the hang of it.
I have a great fear still that if I get back into the saddle that I’ll fu*ck it up or meet Yet Another Assanova so I still need to do work on that.
The main thing is that I’m now the centre of my life, not chasing dubious men, and the blanket ban on dating has really really helped with that. When it lifts (maybe I’ll do another six months on it) I’ll be well and truly prepared.
A short way of saying this might be – you might be experiencing “Relationship Crack Withdrawal symptoms”. It will pass. Giving up the drug takes a while …
Thanks, Tired of…
Yeah, the withdrawal is a b*&tch. And a dating ban sounds like a wonderful vacation right about now. Maybe I should give myself a break.
Sorry for my English, ladies…This Christmas will be really hard. I broke NC and I regretted. I even saw him 2 weeks ago. I wish I didn’t do it. My ex EUM invited me to see his new apartment who has just finished decorating and I went. We ended up making love and I left more disappointed than ever. The funny part was that I knew it was wrong to go there but I did it anyway. I am pathetic. But what makes me feel worse is what happened afterwards. The next day of us sleeping together, I texted him about sth and he didn’t respond. I thought: ” No, this can’t be happening again. He must be busy or sth. Yesteday we were together and we shared intimate moments one more time. What happened dear God??” I texted him again. Nothing. 2 days later, feeling confused, insulted and angry I called him. He didn’t answer. I realised that he was doing it all over again and I was a fool to believe that he could actually feel sth about me or change. We were 2 years together. With up’s and down’s. But his latest behaviour is the worst ever. This ignoring…The absolute silence. I’m sorry but I can’t just forget it. Ok, we had our bad days before and we even said nasty things to each other at certain periods of our lives but…this?? So, yesterday, I texted him: ” Something happened in my life and so I have to say goodbye. Apart from this, your behaviour towards me also helped me to make this decision. I will not bother you again. Take care. Alice.” And he finally answered! A really polite answer. What a kind soul… (kidding of course). He said:” I’m really glad for you. You deserve sth really good. I trully hope you are well.” I answered: ” I agree with you. Of course I deserve sth good. Although I’m surprised to hear it from you! I guess I will never find out what really happened, right?” And he sent the same text as before!! You know: “I’m really happy, etc…” I was speechless. I don’t know what to do anymore than go NC again even though I know it’s over and I’ll never see him again. I know it’s the right thing to do and I want to be my old self again but I’m really sad and I’ll have to try hard not to wish him Merry Christmas during the holidays. There’s no point, really. He took advantage of me and my feelings and left me feeling unappreciated and hurt. Oh, how I miss the old days, when my father was alive and I was an innocent and happy child and we were all well and happy. I used to play Christmas songs at the piano and we were all together. Now, I’m in love with someone that doesn’t care If I’m dead or alive. What a pity…
Alice
Everytime you break NC, they treat you a little worse. Because every time you go back you’re saying to them “Do what you want, I will always be here for you to use”. The first time they think they’re lucky. The second time they think they’re invincible. The third time, they think you’re desperate. After that what little respect they have for you evaporates. Then they start treating you like nothing.
Only way out of is to stop contacting. Of course, this sometimes makes them realise they’re in danger of losing their free sex/ego stoke/ whatever so they may blow hot. You must ignore. Otherwise it’s back to square one.
Sorry Alice. In my experience these guys will act like this ;
1. When as Grace says, you show them you will keep on going back, regardless of how badly they have disrespected you. He slept with you…he faded again. No contact because he was in it for the booty. Disrespect.
However, you were there too. Your motivation was different, for sure, but you still had sex…?This is partly why we feel angry afterwards, we have let ourselves down bigtime.
2.When you begin to clarify what you want from the relationship.
When you actually pin them down and ask’ Where is this actually going…are we on the same page?’ Then the EUM will disappear like snow from a wall on a sunny day. His modus operandi has been sussed…he heads for cover.
You answered yourself wisely when you said’ His behaviour had helped you to make your decision’. Good decision.
Alice you can and will play Christmas songs at the piano again and this sad time will pass. You will look back on this next year with more wisdom and you will be your own self again. Believe it.
Alice, you can’t win with sex/texts/cuddles/being nice! I’ve been there! All they have to do is act all disinterested and out comes all the benefits!
You can’t sex them into commitment. Trust me I have tried and totally and completely failed! And I made an embarrassing ass of myself too. You can’t text them into commitment either or argue your way into it because it isn’t under your control.
I would humbly suggest going on a dating ban to get off validation crack… go NC, wipe out his info.
Artemisia
Thank you again, again and again! I have been writing my journal for the past week and it helps because I am completely open and honest about how I feel and how my day is going so it feels like my own therapy. I have gym membership and I used to go 3 times a week up until august then I met him and I now haven’t been at all for last 4 weeks! However I’m going first thing tomorrow morning. I’m going to book in a massage for the weekend also. My friends wedding actually went well because it was the first time since I met him in early August that he has not dominated my thoughts. I actually went the majority of the day without thinking of ways to get over him! I know now that he is a coward but I think your right he may also be ashamed because despite the fact he is an EUM I’m sure he is aware he has behaved like a twit! Thanks xx
Stephanie,
Great to read that.
I have just seen him. He actually came into my office ( I am sitting alone) to discuss when we can meet ( read: to come into my apartment to have sex)…I told him that I am so busy until the end of this year and that actually since I am not included into his holidays or any serious life plan that is better to break up and that he is free to go…hope that he inderstood the mesage….
IN Love…..stick with your plan. When you look at it from the outside it is really humiliating, isn’t it? Dont just say no to get a response, say no because you are not going to tolerate the crumbs of his attention.
Tonight is the night of my party. My plan is to leave if he makes me feel uncomfortable at all. I will wave a hello and that is all. I will also leave my phone in the car so I will not even know if he is texting me. That is my plan.
Thanks Sharon…it is a mess when you are connected via business. Can not act angry because people can notice…
I will stick to the plan, next year I will be38 ( altough I look like 25 LoL)….shall considered this as a great lesson in my life…
This site has helped me so much to see exactly what my situation was with the AC i’ve been stuck in a bad pattern with for two years now. Ive been the Fallback girl for along time now and didn’t know how to get out of it without feeling terrible or taking him back the next time he decided to pop up out of the blue. Reading the posts and comments here has opened my eyes, given me the strength to get out and do NC and to move on to better things. It certainly isn’t always easy,b ut when i feel my resolve slipping, I come here and read a little and my strength is back. Thank you so much.
OMG!! Yes, this is the best post for the season!!
Does anyone know aside from changing one’s number how to stop an AC contacting you? Mine seemingly thinks despite all the pain and drama that I’m still there in the background as a fallback girl, and calls intermittantly every 2 months or so, like clockwork. Unfortunately he does this mostly from blocked numbers so I’m unsure who is calling and I answer….. I don’t know what the best tactic is or why he’s even doing it? He has a new ‘girlfriend’ now who he wants to ‘settle down with’ why the need to keep ‘checking up’ on me? A few days ago when he called I politely made small talk…. I’ve tried telling him to leave me alone and not to contact me but it doesnt work 🙁
H
As soon as you know it’s him, put the phone down.
And maybe don’t answer the phone unless it’s a no. you recognise.
everytime its him hang up
Wow! I loved reading this!
I think there must be something hypnotic in all the Christmas advertising that somehow flips a switch in our brain that makes us start to grasp outside of ourselves to find happiness.
The TV says that an iPad or flat screen will make me happy. It’s only a short skip from there to trying to force things to work with an ex, win someone else’s approval, and all sorts of other very bad ideas.
Thanks for the reminder, and I hope you have a great final two weeks of the year 🙂
-Clay
H…I have 10 years of “other woman” experience…If you have verizon on your cell you can create an on-line account and block up to 6 phone numbers. You can also block emails.
So….He didn’t show at the party and I had a great time. He did call me late that night and I picked up the phone-he blocked his number. He told me he saw me in the parking lot of a party that I stopped by at…creepy. He said it’s nice to hear your voice–I answered his questions with one word answers and then told him I had to go and to have a nice Christmas. I am still considered to be NC. If he makes attempts, and sneeks through, its not my fault. I did not give him anything but polite dismissal. Good luck to all of you out there!
So, here I am on Christmas Eve, trying to not make more of it than needed, as Natalie suggests. I won’t go all into details (I’m sick of hearing myself and my “story”) but its me trying to get an UM to love me. Short story is that for the last 24 years of him being on and off, he came back into my life after a two year break. For the last few years we have had a fake relationship. He came over 4-5 days a week, hung out, laughed, talked (mostly about him) and occasionally had unsatisfying sex. Eventually, there was no sex at all unless I took care of him.
I would have accepted “crumbs” except that over the years, I’ve learned to love myself a little more. Not completely, but a little more, so over this time I would get triggered by him talking about his girlfriend, or that he “had to go”, etc. He was big on the “friendship” card that Natalie talks about, so that absolved him of any responsibility. After awhile, he just figured when I said we were through, he would be coming back within a day or two. But now, I can’t stand it anymore, and he is showed even less attention in the last few months.
Three weeks ago, I was fed up and told him to give me back my key and come get his stuff (he didn’t live with me). But he still has not brought back the key or gotten his stuff. I texted him a few days later telling him he could come and get it on a morning I would be gone. He did not respond to my text.
I haven’t heard from him since. I can breathe. My self esteem is better already instead of usually feeling not quite good enough.. But the holidays are a little sad. I just have to keep reminding myself that he wouldn’t be around ANYWAY just like every year. It really helps to keep in my mind that every time I feel lonely, I just imagine the loneliness I always felt when he was not here anyway! And there is no loneliness like the loneliness of being in a room with someone who has no interest in you, your life, or what makes you happy.
So, to my sisters, please love yourself enough to not give in to the urge to call your UM during the holidays. He will not make you feel better; you will feel worse in the long run. I’ve taken back my pride, and I’m a little ashamed that I’m glad I was the one to break it off to get some power back. I know he thinks I’ll contact him, and he knows this time of year means a lot to me (though he never tried to make it nice for me). I guess I have a little mean streak because I enjoy thinking that he is probably puzzled why I haven’t contacted him. But I’m not going to. From reading Natalie’s book I understand that if he ever did sincerely change, he would have to prove it. But I know in my heart, it will never be different. I’m not planning, doing, or over thinking about how to “get him” anymore. I know him enough to know he will eventually call me. I hope enough time has gone by that I will be stronger. I am surprised that I even though I’ve cried a few times, I know my life will go on, lonely or not. I used to be devastated. Tomorrow, I will visit my parents, have a good time, come home, snuggle the cat and count my blessings. Peace to all the struggling sisters out there. Please don’t waste one more minute of your precious life on someone who doesn’t really care.
Natalie,Natalie,Natalie as God is my witness this happened to me today….Ladies please just stay away you will regret it!!! Today Dec 25th is my ex birthday, i have been NC for 5 months since July -(after catching him cheating,then i took him back and he bought me a “im sorry” ring and when i didnt just forget about his trangressions in 1 week! he got mad and stole the ring back and returned it-so i dropped him and never looked back)……..he contacted me in Sep to wish me a happy birthday and i said thanks and kept it moving,,,, today i thought i would do the same thinking since its been a whole 5 months, and i have grown, started dating again and living and enjoying my life, and was thinking for sure he has grown too!!! Boy was i wrong i called and wished him a Happy Birthday and he said thank you….i was feeling elated and all grown up thinking wow im glad that went ok!!!! BUT then a hour later i started receiving some of the ugliest texts ever- him saying he would like to remain “dead” in my life and how i am no longer relevant,and all doors are closed and to pretend he doesnt exist blah ,blah, blah and im thinking were in the hell is all this rage & anger coming from i just said a simple happy birthday…I am now convinced that Sociopaths/EUM will die miserable,angry and bitter and it has nothing to do with you….this is a severely mental illness that will always be lurking no matter how long you never speak to them…this doesnt change- their brains dont function like ours where we seek peace they seek strife, where we store love and joy they store hate and misery and they are always the victim..I am actually glad that this happened because it showed me i definitely made the right decision i can only imagine what the other woman is going through my goodness!!!!!!.i sure learned a valuable lesson- just leave that door closed no matter how much of a peaceful person you are they could never appreciate it. Ladies just Continue to Love God and love yourself and move forward-forgetting what lies behind and pressing on to what’s ahead of you ….Autumn
Holy Crow, I knew this Christmas Crack was fake and I knew not to buy into it but I ventured out to the mall the day after Christmas. Due to my daughter’s travel schedule we’ll be celebrating this week and I thought I’d wait out the Christmas freenzy. There isn’t a shred of Christmas left, from the mall, to the grocery store. The only trees are now curbside. I think I found the last of the Candy Canes, and there is no red ribbon in sight. It’s apparently Valentines Day. Time to buck up for V-Day crack. Dear lord. I just got to get two more scarfs done for Christmas. I must be getting too old to care whether it is Christmas or Valentines Day.
I just spent my Christmas by myself with cheap noodles and coffee..
I am currently the other woman who desperately believes in miracles. And as all you know I am lonely heart broken and spent my days crying..
He loves me I know. We wrote 700 long letters to each other in just a year. But when the right time came to him to sit down with his 10year girlfriend who recently had his baby with. He choose to stay in silent. And now I know he will do the same with me. I have been coming to this blog everyday last6months and I learned so much and tried few things to love myself more and to respect myself better. But in the end..I failed and I am looking at myself discusted by the situation I put myself into.
For the first time I am thinking to hurt myself phsically so I could bear the pain inside. I am a beautiful, smart and kind soul who never lost herself like this ever before. All I’ve got is myself in the city now I am deadly scared to be out to reach for help thinking no one would truly understand why I did what I did.. It hurts so much.. Please help. I need someone to tell me this will pass and I will be ok..
L, You are not giving yourself love and self-care. Please let the man go and be a father to his new child. Please let him continue as he will WITHOUT you. You do not need to hurt yourself anymore than you have already. Get busy with this blog. Talk to us. Seek out help where you are. Try a woman’s center. Try a battered woman’s center for referrals. Yes, they will have had experience with your type of situation; unfortunately it is not uncommon. Eat well. Rest. Do NC. Your life depends upon it. Because you are speaking of hurting yourself I highly suggest calling a suicide help line. Get help. Please. You are a child of the light. Don’t let this sad experience destroy you. There are on-line therapists as well. Get help.
Please go NC with this horrible horrible man immediately, as Leisha said it sounds like your life depends upon it! and yes, come on here and speak with us =)
you simply must put yourself first now, there are billions of men out there and hes just one horrible one, you said yourself your smart and beautiful so you must realise you deserve better than this? move on from this, dont waste a second more time on this loser!!! xx *hug*
L,
The only way is up.
I’ve been there, moved to a new city when I left the abusive ex, no home, no friends, no job, dumped. Took a long time to dig my way out of the depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts. Had to see the doc for ADs. Saw three counsellors.
You can get out of this, I promise you. Start small with cooking yourself a nice dinner. And start big by NC-ing him.
Lots of people truly understand. We truly understand and a counsellor will truly understand. Relationship problems are their bread and butter.
This will pass and you will be ok. This is true. I know this to be true because I have lived it.
You recognise that you put yourself into the situation. Recognise that you can and will get yourself back out.
You are in the city and scared at what you’re feeling but absolutely not alone. We are here for you.
Every feeling you feel is understandable, acceptable, embraced on here. Tell us about it . Stay on site.
You are and will continue to be a beautiful, smart and kind soul.
Nothing about that has changed. And you have not failed, you are changing and that is not failure.
Hi L, if you’re genuinely thinking about hurting yourself, please make the call and get additional support from your local Samaritans. Following that book some time with a professional next week so that you can be counselled through this phase. And it is a phase – this too shall pass and it doesn’t last forever or even for a long time. Hurting yourself on the outside won’t make the inside feel better and in fact, you’ll feel angry with yourself for doing it. It is hard when you feel lonely and you’re somewhere new but there is support around you once you start looking.