1. In essence, it’s one day out of 365 or a few weeks out of the year when you add in the build up and festivities. I’m not saying it’s not a special time but it is a highly commercial time that puts a lot of pressure on people. Keep things in perspective.
2. Whoever you’re with or not with, this time of year often gives you some quality time. Spend it with someone you love, even if that someone is you. We use the Christmas to catch up with each other and our friends both together and separately, catch up on sleep (our daughters are early risers), to see friends and family, eat very well, and do stuff.
3. When I was single I made lots of plans, relationship or not, and even when I was in a relationship, I didn’t base the entirety of my plans on them. This relieved a lot of pressure. You’re not clones of each other or Siamese twins. You’re individual entities so you don’t have to spend every waking moment with them. Actually, this is the same no matter what time of year it is!
4. Single? Missing an ex? Broken-hearted? Make plans. Seriously. Being single isn’t a death sentence or the horrendous time you pass between relationships and the fact of the matter is that if you end up feeling that your Christmas was ruined, it won’t be your ex’s fault, or whoever or whatever it is that you’re blaming – it will be yours.
5. If it’s your first Christmas, try not to over-‘prescribe’ it and let things be. In fact whichever Christmas it is, don’t over-prescribe. You may end up creating great expectations or exerting too much pressure. Sometimes we create an image of how we think things should be and become so immersed in it, we forget to enjoy and appreciate what’s in front of us.
6. Set your own values about Christmas. It doesn’t matter what Tom, Dick, Harry and Samantha are doing. Judge and decide your own way of celebrating the season because if you try to keep up with others, you will never be happy.
7. Whatever your relationship status, treat yourself to something nice. I always do!
8. I hate to say it but be prepared for exes to creep out of the woodwork with dumb texts, even sillier emails, calls to test the water to see if you’re interested, and maybe even some protestations of how much they have changed. Tis the season for nostalgia. When people get lonely, especially unavailables and assclowns, and remember the last time someone idolised them, ignored their blatant red flag behaviour, and gave them a shag, an ego stroke and a shoulder to lean on, they hastily head for the path of least resistance. Don’t let that be you.
9. Things getting tense about which family you’ll spend Christmas with? Find a compromise you both can live with. It’s as simple as this year it’s X and next year it’s Y.
10. The other way to resolve the family at Christmas issue is to have your own Christmas together and see your respective families on the days afterwards. You have to create your own traditions and experiences and your families also need to respect your wishes. Neither of you are children anymore. Seeing them the following day etc., doesn’t mean you love them any less.
11. Don’t get back with an ex because you hate the idea of not being with someone for Christmas. Unless the reasons why you broke up no longer exist (and not just because you blotted them out and came up with your own fantasy), those reasons will not change because it’s tinsel time. This is not a Christmas romcom movie!
12. Please state the nature of your call. OK, you don’t have to say it like that, but if your ex calls and you answer, you need to get a definitive answer to the question of ‘Why are you calling me?’ If they say that they miss you, make sure you ask exactly what this means too. Missing you and I want to get back together are two entirely different things.
13. Do not let your vagina or penis make your decisions for you this Christmas, or anytime for that matter. I know you can get horny and think that your ex or that person from your office or whoever is just the thing to give you a boost, but just be careful of acting off your libido and being left with a long lasting hangover.
14. No drunk dialling, dropped calls, emails to ‘see how they are’, calls to see how they’re doing, or sending an ‘innocent’ Happy Holidays/Merry Christmas/Happy New Year text. All of these actions are attention seeking and ways of re-opening contact.
15. If you’re a rubbernecker and they’re on Facebook and they’ve moved on to someone else, don’t spend your time stalking the site for pictures to show up of them enjoying themselves. Talk about punishing yourself! Go out and enjoy yourself and create your own new memories and pictures.
16. If you’re with someone who has previously disappointed you by not buying you a gift and you’re now working yourself up into a lather wondering if they’re going to do it again, I would expect that they are going to unless something very drastic has happened since the last time. A lot of people take this attitude of ‘Well I shouldn’t have to say why’ or ‘I shouldn’t have to ask’ but setting yourself up for disappointment and thinking that they don’t care isn’t a pleasant alternative. It’s time for you to have a calm, rational discussion so you can understand why they do it and they can understand your hurt and disappointment.
17. Be safe with contraception if you don’t want to welcome a baby next September.
18. Are you involved with someone who is attached? Don’t spend all of the holidays checking your phone for text messages/emails/phone calls or spending it an anticipation of a snatched moment. Don’t revolve your everything around them – they’re not revolving it around you. Basically make other plans.
19. Please, I beg you, don’t spend the entire time waiting for an ex to call. Doing this is like continuing the relationship albeit in your head on some alternate universe. It doesn’t make sense for you to play the waiting game while they go on their merry way enjoying their life.
20. Don’t use the season as an opportunity to try to pressure an engagement, wedding or baby out of someone. Seriously, it’s just Christmas. Stop getting so carried away!
21. If you’re getting really irritated because it feels like you’re doing everything to prepare for the festivities, either delegate or roll back your efforts. It’s no fun if it doesn’t feel fun and you end up being resentful too.
22. It’s not all about the gift. Staying with someone just to see what you get is not a reason to hang on!
23. Don’t go overboard and make demands about what you should get and about what may or may not happen if people fail to get what you want. It’s really unpleasant to be around people that behave in this way and you suck the fun out of people buying you gifts.
24. Remember you may have different values and beliefs about Christmas which means that you need to find a solution that you can both live with. If one of you isn’t big on Christmas, there shouldn’t be an expectation that the other should be like you and vice versa if one of you is crazy about the season. My stepfather hates Christmas and can be really bah humbug about the whole thing but he made a huge effort each year. Now that we’re all grown up (OK and he’s not with my mum anymore), he doesn’t bother with any fanfare although he gets gifts for my daughters. The point? Sometimes it’s good not to be selfish/a party pooper.
25. If you’re thinking about breaking up, it’s best to stop thinking about it and either break up or get on with enjoying your Christmas. If you’re not sure that you want to break up and suspect that you may knee-jerk back to the relationship after Christmas, do the person you’re with a favour and keep it zipped so that your flip-flapping doesn’t put them through hell.
26. Do NOT leave it until the last minute to either break up or change shared plans. It’s a really shitty thing to do and you will blindside them and have them flailing around having to make alternative arrangements.
27. Know your relationship is on the rocks but insisting on keeping it together for Christmas? Really it’s the difference between a crap Christmas or a crap New Year – you’re putting off the inevitable.
28. If you have kids, it’s not nice to break up at Christmas as they will always associate it with the demise of your relationship. Trust me, I know so many people whose parents did just that and Christmas was never the same again.
29. If you do break up with someone, don’t continue to screw up their Christmas by screwing with their mind. Don’t call/email/text etc them so you can feel better. Don’t hit them up for sex. It’s not a crime for breaking up and/or not wanting to pretend but it’s an assclown thing to do to put your ego first. Don’t just think about your feelings – consider theirs.
30. If you’re dating and you haven’t made concrete plans by now, I would have a plan B. Especially when it’s early days with dating, it’s a lot of pressure on a relationship to have expectations for grand gifts or spending the entire holidays together. Let it be. Which brings me neatly to…
31. Don’t use Christmas to rush your relationship further along than it actually is. Seriously. If you use the season to have expectations or even make demands that don’t have the relationship experience and the emotions that reflect them, you will do medium to long-term damage to your relationship and create questions and panic in the other person.
32. Feeling anxious about Christmas with a partner as there’s a question mark over it? Six magic words: What are your plans for Christmas? The only reason we don’t ask questions is because we’re afraid of what we may hear or confirming what we know to be true. The fact is, you need to know.
33. Love is not being with someone who knows exactly what you want. You’re not the same person. If this is your first Christmas or there are some possible opportunities for confusion over the level of gift buying that is taking place, talk. You don’t need to suck the fun out of things but I know a lot of people, especially in the current economic climate that set an upper limit for gifts. I know other couples who save their energy for shopping in the new years sales.
34. Don’t use the season as an opportunity to try to pressure an engagement, wedding or baby out of someone. The festivities do end and you may be left with the sour taste of resentment to put up with next year.
35. Don’t reject the offer of plans with friends, family, and acquaintances because you don’t want to appear ‘lonely’ or ‘desperate’. There is such a thing as having too much pride and/or punishing yourself. It’s one thing if you are genuinely happy in your own company and want to be on your own but if you do want company, don’t reject it over how you might appear.
36. Tempted to get in contact with an ex? Hold that thought for at least 24 hours. List the reasons why you’re getting in touch and ensure that they are not short-term reasons but medium to long-term reasons that are evidence based. i.e Don’t get in touch because you hope they’ve changed or that they will if you take them back.
37. Seriously, don’t buy a gift for your ex or send them a card. You’ll just look weird.
38. If you fall off the wagon, dust yourself off and get back on it. Don’t wallow. You sucked, you saw, learn your lesson and move on.
39. Worried about underspending on a first Christmas? Have a spare present hidden away that you can say ‘surprise!’. You can always return it if you don’t need to use it. Or surprise them anyway!
40. It’s not the price of the gift that counts, it’s the thought. Saying that though, if there is no ‘thought’ given to the gift, that says a lot too.
41. This time of year can be a test of your boundaries, particularly with family/friends who may take liberties and make demands. It’s up to you to work out what you want to say yes and no to, but recognise that if you don’t assert your boundaries and where appropriate, look for solutions for compromise, you’re going to feel very frustrated, resentful, and even angry. You cannot please everyone.
42. If you’re No Contact, keep busy and have options for what you can do when you feel bored so that you don’t look to your ex as a solution for the boredom. Have friends and family on call so you don’t look to your ex as a solution for loneliness. Have a list of the reasons why you’re NC as a solution for feeling nostalgic.
43. This time of year is really tough when you miss someone or you feel awful because it feels like they don’t miss you. We want people to care, to regret, to miss us. It’s understandable but be careful of being hijacked by these feelings and being compelled to chase them for a sign of their affection so that you can feel less rejected. It doesn’t mean someone doesn’t miss you if they don’t get in touch – they may know that the ship has sailed or are respecting your wishes because they know they can’t give you what you want. And sadly, they may miss you but it may not be for reasons you would like… Renew your focus on your own life.
44. If you’re No Contact/broken-hearted/not spending Christmas with someone, put yourself on a diet. This means setting yourself the task of focusing your thoughts and conversation on everything but them from the 24th-26th. Or choose a longer or shorter period but do at least a day.
45. Use the festive season to give yourself the gift of forgiveness and a clean slate. There is no benefit to you to sit there beating yourself up about your relationship choices. You’re human, you screw up, and either trust too much or trust in the wrong things instead of the right things. Spending the holidays blaming and shaming is of no benefit to you. You can’t change what’s happened but you can ensure that you counteract what has happened by treating yourself better and learning more about you and your choices so that you can avoid going down the same path. Knowledge is power. Forgiveness is power and I’ll put it this way: if you can forgive a romantic partner so easily, you should certainly be able to cut yourself some slack!
Your thoughts? How are you handling things?
Image credit: Juliaf SXC
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Great list! Seems that the sentimentality of the holidays definitely reminds us of what we’re missing when we’re single. It’s a lot like Valentine’s day and we tend to get all bent out of shape and frantic about not having anyone to share it with. Kind of reverberates the fact that we’re alone and we struggle to just get through it.
Then again, it’s all how you put in perspective. If I was half the woman I am now back when I was single, it wouldn’t have affected me nearly as much.
When I was single, it was a pretty hard time of the year for me for many of the reasons you’ve mentioned here. I once bought a guy I was sleeping with for a month a Christmas gift and he never even showed up to receive it. We didn’t last long enough. I thought a Christmas gift was a way of getting him to come around. Needless to say, it didn’t work and I felt like crap. So I can sympathize with people who have this hanging over their heads.
But like you said, it’s definitely not the end of the world. It’s just Christmas.b;)
Great post, Natalie. I love #14 and #15 because technology has made it so easy to virtually connect and break no contact, sometimes it requires thumbs of steel!
#43 really hits home for me. But I have to always remember why I decided to do NC in the first place.
#45 is what I will aim for. 2011 for me will be the year I start fresh. I gave myself all of 2010 to improve emotionally (seeing a therapist since January and of course, reading Baggage Reclaim here and on FB, which have all been my angels) and physically (finding out a week ago from my doctor that I lost 15 lbs all due to running and eating healthy!!) and not jumping into another relationship. Even though from time to time I think about the AC, I am optimistic that I am moving on and toward a happy place in my life.
I am sorry to have to ask, But I did not understand what you meant by number 35.
This could not have come at a better time.
The texting and emails have begun, I have not responded to them.
I did , however, by a token gift on the off chance that he shows up at the door, I thought I could shove a tin of bisquits and a card and wish him well with no real damage occuring?
I have made plans to have a meal with my friend and neighbor, Not waiting to hear from him but we live within a mile of each other and he might wind up over here anyway.
I ABSOLUTELY agree, dieting is a GREAT thing to do when you are tormented by any issues, it forces you to concentrate on something that benefits your own self.
Thanks for this list/gift Natalie. Check, check, check, recheck and check again.
Your blog is currently my bible.
Happy Holidays Everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Apologies – I accidentally snipped a bit off the end of the sentence which has now been corrected.
Mel,
I think number 35 means that if we are in NC/single and get an invitation for dinner or party or some such thing from someone that we should not turn it down simply because we think we may be perceived as desperate or lonely. In other words, if you want company and there is an offer of company, take it.
I don’t know if you are in NC or not Mel, but if you are and he does drop by, my advice, for what it’s worth, is do not feel you should give him any gift and politely decline any he might offer you.
In ten years I gave my ex only one Christmas gift (a quite expensive pure wool sweater from John Lewis), and regretted it! He never spent Christmas day with me – ever – I never even heard from him on Christmas day, so this year will be no different for me! I guess I must have had some vague sense of “boundaries” because I figured if I didn’t matter enough at Christmas then he didn’t matter enough for me to go spending what lttle money I had on a gift for him, and one that I would presumably give to him at whatever point he felt like showing up! So that sweater was his first and last! And if I did see him at all around the Christmas period he would always have a gift for me (always either given to me before Christmas day or at some point afterwards!). I always accepted his gifts – too polite to tell him to shove it! And he would have been very insulted (the cheek!) and would have removed himself from the source of the insult (me). In other words, I took his gifts as I didn’t want to chase him away – I felt like telling him not to bother his shirt. But I never so much as blushed that I had nothing for him. I didn’t care. I was was making a point, or so I thought – but not a big enough point! I would not take any gift from him now – his gifts were just worthless tokenism to make him feel he had “done the right thing” when in fact he wouldn’t know “the right thing” if it popped out of his soup.
Mel,
I would eat the biscuits and throw the card away. iF you aren’t together, why are you buying gifts?? I think it’s a mistake!
I have been divorced for 15 years. The only relationships I have had have been with A C’s and Mr. U’s. For the first time I am entering the Holidays with a feeling of calmness. Natalie, your writings have made all the difference in the way I am approaching the thoughts of any new relationship to come. The above posting was spot-on in terms of how I used to feel about the Holidays. You have described my past relationships perfectly and put them in a way that gives me a newfound look at my mistakes. I am very thankful for your talent! Oh and by the way, two guys have texted me in the last couple of weeks that had vanished all of a sudden. I would have handled it much differently before NML! Thank you!
I guess you mean if friends offer to have you around, then take them up on it? Like my neighbors asked me, and I almost said no because I felt I would be intruding on their family day?
I almost read it like if my x asks me to do something on Christmas, dont have too much pride to turn it down , but what little bit of sense I have says that cant be the right interpertation!!
Hi Mel, I certainly didn’t mean exes and am referring to family and friends and have amended it to ensure that there is no confusion although I am yet to come across anyone who turns down spending time with an ex on the basis of looking desperate or lonely. If more people did, they’d keep themselves out of trouble.
Your life is not about your ex and so I would caution you about having him at the centre of your thoughts and plans.
Case in point – why on earth do you have a gift of a tin of biscuits and a card?! Why would you do that? Why not give the tin of biscuits to a neighbour, a local shelter or something? The thing is that the reason why you have purchased the gift is because it’s not a case of that he *might* end up there it’s that he *will* end up there because you are making plans to see him. You expect to pick up one of his calls or respond to his texts, you expect to invite him over or let him in if he turns up on your doorstep – it doesn’t matter if he lives with 2 mins or 10 miles of you – if you have broken up and have cut contact, don’t undermine your efforts. This sounds like you are both playing a game of cat and mouse. If you give him the card and gift, you will convey entirely the wrong message about yourself.
Ouch!!!…..
And OMG!!! Why DID I buy that dumb box of bisquits???????
Now I have to seriously wonder what made me do it.
I didn’t buy any special card and I have not even addressed one to him, but I did buy a nice tin of bisquits for a “token” gift so I wouldnt look like the bad guy “if” he knocked the door. I had sort of imagined what I would do if he did by chance show up and where I got the idea I needed to have even a token gift seems a shock to me now after reading the resonses from all of you. Worse, I want to know why I wasnt appalled at myself for the idea .
Christmas 2008 I got nothing, When I cried, I got a 25 p tesco brand chocolate bar he dug out of his own stash to stop my tears, but that made me cry even MORE!!! LOL Its disgusting and kind of funny too, looking back, Last year, I cant remember what thing of TOKEN he gave me. Thanks for that swift kick to the backside ladies, Natalie, Fearless and Allison I am gonna give that tin to somebody, anybody else.
I am spending that one over dramatized day with my dog, neighbor
and friend.
If I get through this, I will feel stronger than ever. All of my family are far far away, and I am very isolated myself, like so many others. But being alone with my dignity is worth much more than being in company with someone who does not value my company or contributions to their life.
Natalie, I wanted to say a big NUH UH!!!!! When I first read your response to me…..but you are right. Maybe not conciously, but subconciously, I WAS planning what to do when he shows up,.
Now I plan to not open the door or just not be here.
And for the record, I have been NC since Dec 2. Thanks for saving me from blowing it.
Mel,
“I will feel stronger than ever. All of my family are far far away, and I am very isolated myself, like so many others. But being alone with my dignity is worth much more than being in company with someone who does not value my company or contributions to their life.”
You are so right!!!!! Nothing is more rewarding than having your own dignity!!! Have a happy drama-free holiday!!!
This is the first xmas without my AC but isn’t not so bad, since he never made an effort in four years to do anything special with me. I wound up crying and feeling left out each year or it would turn into a fight about why he put me last, again. This year the peace I feel and the absence of anxiety and worrying about being left out is a relief. New Years might feel weird. Not so much about not being with him, because that was always a disaster too, but that I have no one to spend it with and it is the one night that it sucks to be alone. I have become a hermit. I needed the time alone but now feel like I’ve shut the world out. # 45 on the list, about forgiving yourself and starting with a clean slate sounds like a good New Years resolution. Alone or not, I am way better off than I was last year. I don’t worry about him contacting me. I’ve blocked every mode of communication and he doesn’t know where I live now. Since he can’t contact me, I don’t obsess over it. It’s funny, I never thought that being left out a xmas would benefit me now, but it never was a special time for me with him, just impending pain.
“I have become a hermit. I needed the time alone but now feel like I’ve shut the world out.”
Jennynic, I empathise because that’s how I feel about my situation too. Sometimes I literally have to foce myself to socialise, because can get incredibly comfortable just going home to an empty flat, out the heating on and your feet up. On the flip side, it really depresses me too. For so long I’ve lived with the notion of “I want to be alone” – but I think it’s because I get uncomfortable with being close to others that sets off my defenses. I don’t want to be like that anymore.
Last night I did a 5 rhythms women-only class and managed to meet someone doing a course I’m interested in. I left feeling good at having made some progress – and a potential new friend.
I’ve also started planning my daily routine for next year – pretty much a continuation of self-awareness and healing of old wounds – which left me feeling a small sense of acheivement and hope.
But I just can’t seem to hold onto these positive moments for long enough to totally forget about him and the loss. Besides, 2 of my friends just told me they can’t make it out tonight. More dashed expectations. Urgh, so frustrating.
#43 is hitting home for me because I know he’s with someone else for the 1st time in 4 years.
#44, 45 Constantly struggling with these, but will make a concerted effort. I’m looking into learning mindfulness, trying to be as present as possible and be thankful for what I do have rather than what (or who) I don’t.
Spending Christmas w/family, its been 14 months of NC so this year I’m doing everything I can to makeup for the lousy one I gave them last year. I realized that not only do we suffer at the hands of EUM/ACs so do the others in our lives.
Merry Christmas Nat and all on this site
I will be alone for the first time this year, I will not be buying my ex a gift, nor sending him a card, Email or text. I will be strong and keep to the nc, next year will be the year for me, I am planning a holiday, something i could never do while i was with my ex, I never had any money, as I was supporting him.
At the moment i am thinking christmas day is just another day, its what i make it that is special to me, I can stay in bed if i want to, i can take the dog for a walk, i can watch the telly, i can eat what i want when i want.
And the best thing is i dont have to spend money on gifts for his family.
For the First time in Years I am free.
Free of being told what to wear , Free to put make up on if I want to, spray as much Perfume on. Free of malipulation, free of Him. Free to be me.
A few months ago I was in a very dark place, but after reading the blogs on this site i see now that it wasnt me who was a shit person ( yes thats what he would call me if he didnt get what he wanted) it was him who was the shit person, he had no respect for me at all.
43 Yes I think he knows that the ship has sailed.
8 If he dose text or Email, i wont answer, i know he would see a answer as a way to get back in.
42 I wouldnt talk to him, he has away of malipulating a conversation.
Im Free and trying to keep it that way, even though i do miss him.
Hi, Natalie! This came at just the right time…
Last week i decided to broke up with my boyfriend.
I have to admit, the first days were stressful, which resulted in insomnia and weight loss. However, psychologically I am handling quite well, I feel positive about myself. I take few moments a day to grieve and keeping myself busy with work, friends and hobbies. Suprisingly I don’t have much time to think of contacting him, although the evenings are still hard.
Since the holidays are comming, I am grateful to have something to remind me of my potential weaknesses and give me courrage, a right thing to hold on…
Thank you for great tips Natalie!!! I was alone last Christmas, AC went to Africa for business trip as he said (yeah right, like I believed him!)
Hopefully, next year I will be free of men and do things which are important for dear ME! I wasted three years of my life on AC, I still think about him, but try to concentrate on all negative stuff and it is easy this way. I wish you NML and our lovely girls here a very Happy Christmas:-)
All the best in New 2011 year!!!
Smiles………………Great advice as always Natalie. Christmas is a very stressful time for most people. As a Counsellor, just after Christmas and the beginning of the New Year is when I start getting men and women coming to Me. The is a dark side to Christmas not many people talk about as it doesn’t fit the image of happy smiling faces. It is the time of year when the suicide rate is at it’s highest. Especially amongst single men, it is the time of year when many relationships break up. And when people feel alone the most. Not surprising when you have these images of happy families everywhere. Plus the burden of financial stress. It hits both men and women hard.
It is a time when if You are on Your own. You can feel alone and isolated. So when ex’s do contact, the temptation to meet up with them can be very great.
And Christmas can be a very depressing time for a lot of people.
But I have a suggestion here. it is something I started a few years ago. And it is for those who are single only. On Christmas day I invite all My single friends around to My place for a get together. No matter what sex or what age. Because although You may not be in a relationship. Don’t forget you still got friends. I know it is easy to shut your self of at Christmas and just say humbug to the whole thing. Because reading the comments here I can empathise as to why.
To My way of thinking about Christmas is that the real spirit of Christmas has been forgotten. And please note I am not religious. It has become far to much about the materialistic aspects. Because really the biggest gift of Christmas (And in fact every other single day of the year) is YOURSELF!
You are the real value!
And also consider this……………….Christmas is about giving, but also to give you must also be able to receive. And My case in point is this.
I do voluntary work with the homeless. And Christmas morning I go out with a few friends who I have called up and we visit the rough sleepers. Those who are on the streets. And we give out simple things. Blankets, warm clothing, food.
And when I return home I feel great, not because of the giving . But in the receiving the appreciation of other Human Beings.
You can do an awful lot of things at Christmas if You are single. And just remember…………………………Your the gift, not the presents!
And if You are not appreciated as You, by ex’s or who ever. Then why are You giving of Yourself to them? If they cannot receive the gift of You!
Amour
A F
“Christmas is a very stressful time for most people.”
No kidding! For most of my adult life, Christmas was something I just “Got through.” Went through the motions. Didn’t matter if I had a boyfriend of not. I just got “through” it. About four years ago, I realized that Christmas is very negative for me. I don’t know why. The “typical” triggers don’t apply to me. I told my family my feelings about Christmas, and I got the, “Oh, you don’t really mean that” response. Once again, my feelings were invalidated because they weren’t what I “should” feel.
The A/C I recently dated felt the same way about Christmas. It was one of the things we had in “common.” So, last Christmas, when I was still with the A/C, instead of giving presents we volunteered. I loved it! I’ll never find another guy who would do that. But, as Natalie said in a previous post, “Doesn’t matter if he is kind to animals and helps little old ladies across the street, he’s still an A/C.”
Well, this year I am volunteering again, but with something completely different. And my family finally “gets” it, and doesn’t expect me for Christmas. I’m enjoying what I’m doing and I’m much happier than doing a “family” thing for Christmas.
@JJ2 — I feel exactly the same about Xmas. I’m not a believer, so it’s just crass commercialism and fakery. I dread going to the family and having to force feeling “festive” – ugh.
I must take issue with you however, when you say you’ll never meet another man who will volunteer at Xmas — thousands of men do, and I bet most of them have female partners. You might even meet one while volunteering this year!
“when you say you’ll never meet another man who will volunteer at Xmas — thousands of men do, and I bet most of them have female partners. You might even meet one while volunteering this year!”
But I don’t want to meet the ones who already have partners……
Ok, I know what you meant… (GRIN!) OOPS, better get back on topic. Don’t think I’ll meet anyone on THIS volunteer thing, but I have found something that I have been looking for. I’ve been looking to make a change in my personal life. It was something I couldn’t define up front. Sometimes you can’t know what you want ahead of time, but when you see it, you go…. AHA! Well, this experience has been an…. ‘AHA’ for me. I’m hoping that when I implement the change (lot of details to work out), things will be better.
my ex and I broke up last summer, I am not going to travel home this christmas so it all look like i was going to spend christmas alone, but I then decided that being single doesn’t mean I have to be alone, so I asked a friend of mine if i could spend christmas with her familly and she was soo happy and told me she was thinking about asking me but didn’t want to be intromisive. Anyway, I am looking forward to expend christmas at her home and that will keep me distracted and away of temptations.
Natalie,
This was a MUCH needed post! Thank you for this one and for all the others.
I have been contemplating on whether or not I should send an ex a gift to prove that I wasn’t angry anymore and that I’ve let go. Thanks to your post, I have found the answer to my question – NOT!
I’m moving on, and as you stated in #45, if I can forgive him so easily, I should definitely be sure to cut myself some slack as well.
I’m not perfect.
Thank you for giving me permission to remember that!
Merry Christmas, and have a Happy New Year!
Wonderful stuff!
Can’t see the difference between 20 and 34 though…
Natalie – Thanks for the list. This time of year is hard, especially when you are still counting the length of time NC and thinking about what you would or wouldn’t have done with the AC at this time of year. I read something today that helped me:
It suggests that we get too caught in telling our stories and seeking validation from others that our experience wasn’t normal or was particularly traumatizing. As much as I love this site, I wonder if some of use haven’t fallen into that trap here. While it’s great that this is a safe place we can come and vent and share, I wonder if it doesn’t keep us caught up in the cycle of feeling like victims, seeking validation (from each other, instead of our ACs, that our experiences were particularly traumatic) and failing to move on because we are too busy reexamining and analyzing our relationships (a recent post, I believe).
Please don’t think I am criticizing you or your site, which I feel is invaluable. You have always taken the stance of empowerment and holding ourselves accountable and I love that about this site. But at what point does it stop being therapeutic and start becoming a crutch? With new Year’s coming, it’s a good time to take stock of where we are and where we want to be in the coming year. I have felt before that I am getting stuck in all this. There is no question the AC/narc moved on without a second thought, other than how to wage his smear campaign against me.
What I would like for Christmas is to finally, once and for all, find a way to cut this malignant, toxic man from my life. I am tired of thinking about him, being derailed just by seeing him and even having to hear his name (we work together – ugh). I want my power back. I want to move on. I want this thing out of my life. Please Santa, bring me some sanity and peace of mind.
Hi Tina
Thanks for your comments. I certainly see your point but your comment highlights how this site may be misconstrued. I don’t write about narcissists and make a point of, as you pointed out emphasizing empowering yourself to take control of improving your self-esteem and relationships. Being a narcissist is a clinically diagnosed condition and many people, both men and women do use the condition as a blanket explanation for their relationship. This site also is not a ‘support group’ even though people have been known to treat it as one and it’s not a forum, hence the guidelines that sit above the comments box. That doesn’t mean that the site is not supportive, quite the opposite, but that is not the same as being a support group.
Your comment is also exactly why I stopped the forum and I have limited the scope of commenting on the site. I take your point but you are actually criticizing the people that comment, not me, as I don’t support the victim status nor write about it. I hope that in people reading my site they find tools to move forward and empowering answers but I’m not the police and I recognise that people get to their solution in various ways. Some won’t because they don’t see themselves as part of the problem and solution, but many others will.
I wish you well and good luck with your journey.
Dear Natalie – I love you and your site but I am wondering if you weren’t a bit hard on Tina. I read her post and I think she’s quite careful to not criticize you, your site or your readers. I think she was just expressing what some of us feel: that we get stuck in the grief and the overthinking and the pain and it gets really hard to let go. Particularly at the holidays. Included in the long list of what we call “assclowns” are the jerks, the players and the EUM but there are also a more dangerous group, the true narcissists and I know from personal experience that recovering from a relationship with one is the hardest thing I have ever tried to do. I love this site and am grateful for it, but it wouldn’t have been enough alone to help me overcome that experience.
As you say, we all do the journey at our own speed and in our own way. You have allowed posts from guys recently that were actual attacks on this blog and the women who visit it and I think the responses to them were measured and appropriate. I would just hate to see anyone in real pain discouraged from coming here for fear of not being able to speak truthfully and to be honest about where they are and what they are thinking.
Merry Christmas all.
At no point in over 5 years of writing my blog have I ever at any point even so much as suggested that this site should be the only source to readers and I’m bewildered as to why you would intimate that I had. I’m not some egomaniac. I’m also equally bewildered by the whole I’m being hard on Tina. Where? How? What?
I have also never suggested that my site is a narcissistic support group and for it to be stated that it is one is a gross misrepresentation of it that I’m allowed to respond to. I have published thousands and thousands of comments even those that don’t even quite meet the guidelines because I see that people are in pain and that they need to get things off their chest. If I can be of help, I try to be. I respond to thousands of emails in my spare time each year again because people reach out to me because they’re in pain, post on Facebook, Twitter etc. I did have a forum, people couldn’t be respectful to one another or respect my boundaries, I closed it. There are people who comment who cross my boundaries and even those of other readers, some who have been rude in both the comments and privately on email – I try to be understanding. I have guidelines on this blog and moderation on the comments, because it is for the greater good of the readers of the site and the moderation exists because it isn’t a forum and it has been the primary way of stopping it being treated as such.
What your comment proves is that you cannot please everyone, something I’ve always been aware of anyway, but that even in trying to respond on my own site and actually agree with aspects of someone’s comment, that you can still come along and take issue with that. I’m not trying to stop people being honest and if in publishing people’s comments, including yours and Tina’s most recent, that that message still hasn’t got across, something is very wrong.
Tina, for awhile, Natalie’s site was a “crutch” for me. But now I’m feeling better and sometimes I go a few days and “forget” to read her site. Now, I’m just reading it to see how others are doing.
Hi Tina,
I think I’ve read just about all of your comments, and have often felt that you and I have processed our different experiences in similar ways. I’m a bit ahead of you in my journey so maybe I can offer something here.
When I first found Baggage Reclaim I was just about out of my mind — I had future faking; gaslighting; blowing hot and cold.
Natalie and the other women writing on this site allowed me to see that my AC was not unique, certainly not *special*, and that my experience, while devastating, was not life-ending.
I read all of Natalie’s books. I read every post and comment. I spent hours here every day. (And I do mean HOURS and HOURS.) Now, I feel stronger and wiser. Time has passed. I visit less.
But I do visit, especially when I’ve had an AC related experience that throws me. Like you, I at first felt like it was a set back — “Oh here I am again, Square One. Crying on my keyboard while I read Baggage Reclaim.” But I’ve come to find it just isn’t true. I can have a bad day, but not a bad week anymore. Slowly but surely, I am heading towards success and the wholeness of my pre-AC self.
I think you need some new imagery. Instead of thinking of Baggage Reclaim as a crutch, how about thinking of it as a Compass? You’re on a journey. You now know the way, but if you’re feeling a bit lost or the terrain gets a little scary, it can’t hurt to pull out that compass and get some reassurance that you’re on the right path. Some days it just feels good to check in and know someone else is on the same trip with you.
I know that you, (as I imagine most of us) want to reach your destination immediately if not sooner. But I think that’s rare. You didn’t get to that bad place in an instant, so getting away from it, logically, would have to take some time as well.
I hope there is some sense in what I have written.
And I hope you don’t go completely away.
I don’t know where I would be without Natalie and the other great
women like you, who share their experiences and wisdom and provide a compass to everyone who stops here.
xoxo,
Over It
What a lovely image of a compass! Thanks for that.
The thing I have noticed over the last year as a BR reader is everyones progress and the gradual monitoring of each others changes. As Natalie says everyone is at different stages and so there is always aspects of someones story to relate to or aspire to in the future. Sometimes I ponder, ‘yes that was me, at other times I think I wish I was where they are at 10 months on’.
I pop in less and less not quite flown the coup, I suspect once you have truely moved on you naturally leave this BR nest and occasionally drive by just like passing a fond old place where you used to live. It has both memories of bumpy times and good eureka moments.
The biggest change I have noticed in my EUM progress is I talk about him less. In my journal, he no longer gets even a mention, how many calories I burned at the gym, the new classes and friends I have met, the mulled wine party I planned, the plans to renovate the next door derelict cottage all take pride of place. Hoorah.
Of course occasionally a wave of nostalgia floats by and I need to go in depth and look at the real story, process a bit again and then its over.
Relieving the mental ruminations has got to be one of the greatest moments towards peace. Like you I wondered if reading BR would keep me stuck in the past and ruminations, but what I have noticed is I am now drawn to the Blogs that concentrate on really moving forward, how to shake free of the chains that keep us bound to a certain way of acting in our relationships. Of all the lessons in Natalies blogs I have to say the one that moved mountains for me was regarding values. I am going to be absolutely sure to go slowly and check out how they treat their tribe, how they treat me within their tribe and listen to their actions. If their morals, views on money, communication, animals and love do not accord with mine then I accept and move on. I wont let age desperation, babies or anything else blur my vision. So in summing up I started by needing empathy, clarity and understanding in the first days/months of BR and now I come for aspirational stories, directions of change, refocussing values and celebrating our progress. Its all here…….Merry Christmas to all! May we take our new peace out and share it in the world, therefore making a real difference at lessening the worlds dramas….three cheers
I suffer from depression and I find daily life a challenge. However, I have forced myself to decorate my home (I’m single, with no family) and embrace the Christmas spirit. My ex has been in touch with me and I broke the n/c rule, but I’m back on the wagon again. I used to think he cared a great deal about me, but now I’m realizing that he cared more about himself and he only turned to me to make him feel better about himself. He isn’t an a/c, but he is sadly unavailable. I have started to create boundaries for myself, and while they can make me feel at odds with the world I also realize that they will help me have a better life in the future. Thanks to this site and some counselling, I’m starting to feel better about myself. Happy holidays to everyone. And remember to love yourself first.
Hey Viv
I have had recurrent depression too but managed to dodge the most recent threat thanks to this site. I am so grateful that I’m NOT going to be spending my Christmas wondering what some EUM/AC is up to. I, too, have decorated, (for the first time in years) and am planning a quiet, peaceful Christmas with myself and my pet fish. My family are all miles away so I will be alone at Christmas as well.
It is a little daunting but I’ve ordered by dvds, planned my dinner, got my Lush stuff and will have a few days of laziness and pampering.
Happy holidays all you lovelies!
Hi Viv and Grace and Everyone!
I have had treatment for depression in the past and will also be spending Christmas alone. I initially felt very anxious about doing so, but am finding as the day approaches, I feel great about it!
I had the *honor* of spending my last two Christmases with my AC and his family. It was all picture-perfect. The velvet dress; the beautiful farmhouse; his lovely family who adored me, and whom I adored. The wonderful meal. The charming gifts. Everything just right. So much “love.”
Until his family left, and the show was over. Then he had to go into the office. He was put-out that he had to take me to the train station. Now he was careful to say “love you” but not “I love you.” No call or even email to see if I’d made it home. No response to my email. No call or email or anything for at least a week. Then a couple of lukewarm words. Then cold. Just to make sure I hadn’t made the mistake of thinking that anything he said or any way that he behaved on Christmas bore any relationship to the other 364 days of the year.
And I fell for it. Twice. Shame on me.
Now I feel honestly thrilled to know that I’m not going to spend my Christmas playing Perfect Girlfriend to impress my AC’s family and the rest of the week crying while it sinks in what a fool I’ve been.
I’m going to wear new pajama’s and have a fabulous breakfast and drink cocoa and watch a bunch of old Christmas movies and do whatever I want all day. Yeah!
God bless us, every one!
Over It
Oops (as always!)
Sorry to all for my serious need of spell-check.
(pajamas, obviously not pajama’s — among others)
Amen, Over It. I love your compass idea. I also love the idea of pajamas and self pampering on xmas day. I want to point out the gift we all have in common is the chance to come out of the darkness and get control back of our lives. I was reminded to think of it like the winter solstice (DEc. 21), we wake up from the darkest day of the year, coming out of the dark with a little bit more light each day after. This is something we can celebrate as our own without any bad memories, but as a symbol of hope.
I’ve been decorating my place for the last nine years and 2009 was the first year I didn’t buy a Christmas tree or even listen to holiday music because I was so depressed about the AC. This year, I definitely know that I’m in a better place because I’ve been in the holiday spirit and once again resumed choosing my 6 foot tree and dragging it into my home 🙂 I love being able to come home from work and turn on the lights and see my tree decorations. It puts a smile on my face.
As Viv said, love yourself before anyone else. Healing will take some time and it may seem like you will never get to that point but trust me, you will get there. I’m still working on it, but I’ve already realized the big strides I’ve made over the past 10 months.
I was feeling very isolated for the longest time.
Well it turns out that I ended up talking to a friend and this whole season starting in December we reunited with an old group of friends and there has been some new members female mind you, but it has been nice getting to know some new people.
We have been doing a lot of functions this December and that has helped me to think of my ex a little less, have a life of my own so I am not dwelling anymore what he is doing.
I decided to throw a holiday party last night. It was tough and very wise of me at the same time. For six years I have always invited him to all my functions and it was strange to not. I had a great time and it was a good way to not sit at home and cry about him thinking this would be the time him and I would be spending together. Not only have I gotten through my first party without him, I enjoyed myself not worrying if he was giving someone else more attention or not having to worry about any drama. I talk to some fascinating people at my party.
I talk to one girl that said she had given up on relationships and thought she was going to be alone for the rest of her life and now she is with one of my friends at the party. So through him I met a nice lady to talk to who gave me hope because I feel now how she did then and she found my friend and now we get to enjoy her company too.
I have the wii, what a good party game, it was so fun and kept my mind off of you know who. Some of my guests at the party invited me to the pub for lunch today but I declined because I wanted to stay home and watch Christmas movies. I heard from a friend who met up with them who couldn’t make it to my party because she was getting over the flu. She said they all couldn’t stop talking about my party and how much fun it was, and how all the food I made was excellent. She even told me she was telling the new friends that I always make excellent food.
I had so much fun making some very healthy foods with natural ingredients because people usually eat very fattening, unhealthy foods. People were amazed I could make very delicious healthy foods at Christmas time. I have gone to a few parties where it is just too much fatty foods and I know it is the season but I like to make it as healthy as I can. That way the few unhealthy things I do provide are balanced.
It gave me a focus. I am an only child and so this year I asked my parents to invite my aunts over for christmas day, that way I can focus on them instead of my ex. This is certainly helping me through the holidays. I don’t want to just get through the holidays I want to enjoy them and make it about me and not him.
I have been spending a lot of time by myself that sometimes I can’t wait until people are gone so I can be by myself but I also know that is the time I dwell on him the most but it is getting better and I am now starting to say to myself okay next subject stop thinking of him.
I am certainly doing that. My same friend called me back today to plan a lot more events with me and her and the group in the new year. I know I am getting out there and hopefully it is my turn to meet the right guy for me because I also had another friend at my party who dated the same types of guys as me in the past and now she is with a great guy.
LADIES ITS OUR TURN NEXT!!!!
I totally agree with the ex part!! No more recycling for me!!
Great list!
This christmas, i will be making xmas dinner for all my friends who can’t afford to fly home for the holidays – talk about being busy! I can’t wait for my ‘waifs and strays’ christmas though!
I have just started dating my friend, but he’s got plans with his family and we have no plans to meet up – it’s too soon. I am happy with that and neither of us feel the pressure to meet up. It’s going really well so far. He likes me for who i am and said his favourite thing about me was my rebellious nature – that’s the thing i’ve had the most trouble with in relationships! It seems too good to be true – but i’m trying not to think like that.
i also bumped into the ex EUM friday night for the first time since we split up – it was great! We ran into each other at the pub and i only felt vague surprise at seeing him, no panic, no heart lurching, none of the things i thought i would feel. I no longer feel anger or any negative feelings towards him – he’s just a guy i once went out with and it didn’t work out. No big deal at all. We chatted in a perfectly friendly way for a few minutes before saying bye and moving on. Afterwards i didn’t obsess – i just mentioned it to my friends and they were more shocked and made a bigger deal of it than i did! I feel this has really closed the door for me. i am glad i met him and had a non-relationship with him, it taught me a LOT, i am glad he was always honest about not being able to give me what i want, because i can look him in the eye and know he was at least honest with me, making me responsible for my part. i am glad we’re able to be civil as we hang out in the same places and have the same friends. I am glad i’m no longer with him because i have met someone so much better and i fully appreciate him because of my EUM experience.
I have had the most random, exciting year this year and i can’t wait til next year and all that it will bring!
Christmas and New Year are certainly a difficult time of the year for those of us (isn’t it most of us??!!!) who don’t fit into the criteria of how you should be: for single women especially, there is an understated but insidious message that if you’re not happily installed in a long-term relationship and have children to tie up the whole parcel nicely, you’re somehow lacking and inferior. Your blogs really cut through this and give single women out there a positive outlook. It really IS better to be single and keep your dignity and self-respect, than to be with someone who treats you disrespectfully, and just put up with it because you’d do anything not to be single at Christmas. As your article so rightly says, it is just ONE DAY of the year, so why do people go so crazy over it? It’s my fourth Christmas as a single person and even though Christmas and New Year touch a raw nerve still, I’m at least happy to be doing exactly what I want to, and to look forward to the unknown in the New Year. Too many of the women I meet in my job have put up with bad behaviour from their partners for years and have got to the point where they’ve just had enough. But they’ve picked up many emotional cuts and bruises along the way. Your articles will hopefully save many women from the same fate! Keep up the good work in 2011!
Great List – glad to see I am not doing any of them. Actually I have having the best Christmas ever! By choice. As for the ex – don’t know – don’t wanna know either -really don’t care. I am enjoying the holiday and am really proud of me holding my boundaries for family and friends as to what I will do and what I will not. There are only so many party invitations I can accept and have cut down on my cookie baking – I don’t have to stay up to o dark hundred to bake every cookie in the book. I don’t have to please everyone. I made my list and am sticking to it. The point is to enjoy the holiday not dread the holiday – I highly recommend making a plan and sticking to it. I have built in me time as well! MOST IMPORTANT – ME TIME! Part of celebrating how far I am come – warm and toasty, lovely glass of wine and a hot bubble bath ahhhhh… happy Holidays everyone – looking forward to the new year!
At least I am not doing the hurtful ones LOL!
Such an awesome post and I have been waiting for today to
see if he would make contact (he broke it off when I wanted to get
engaged and he “wasn’t ready”, and we have been NC for 2 months).
Today, he has sent a text… “I just wanted to wish you a very very
happy and blessed Christmas. You’re such an incredible person and
I’m sorry we’re not enjoying this special time together. You’re
always in my thoughts and prayers. Have a wonderful day, lots of
love, always me. xxx” How should I respond?
Kay, You don’t. He doesn’t want what you want, so why open
up old wounds? There’s nothing to gain here.
Kay, Please don’t respond. If you can’t help yourself, just
write — Thanks, Merry Christmas, Kay. Period. BUT THAT’S IT.
Absolutely do not respond to specifically to what he wrote and do
not respond to any other emails, no matter how innocent they sound.
Your ex is testing the waters. He may play the “friend” card, and
try to get you back into his life on his terms. Don’t do it. You
don’t say a great deal about this guy. If you think you may still
have viable feelings for him it is twice as important that you
stand your ground. You have made your position clear. Your decision
that you are ready to be engaged is a perfectly valid one. If he
wants to be engaged to you he will tell you, then you can decide if
you still want to marry him. If the conversation is about anything
other than that, you don’t really have anything you need to discuss
with him. Sorry if this seems harsh, but if you go back to contact,
he will assume that you are okay with not being engaged, and keep
stringing you along. You’re too good for that. If he doesn’t see
it, that’s his problem, not yours. It’s difficult, but stand
strong. xxxx, Over It
Don’t respond. If he wanted to get back together with you
AFTER BREAKING OFF YOUR ENGAGEMENT AND DUMPING YOU he would pick up
the phone and say something useful, not send a lame text. I
absolutely understand how this text may have made you feel that he
has feelings etc. But feelings don’t equal concrete actions. It’s
just a text. A text. If he finds you so incredible and he’s so
sorry he can pick up the freakin phone. If you already replied
don’t beat yourself up about it, close the door again. Don’t have
sex with him. This is how the first step to booty call
looks.
oops i misread – you weren’t enagaged. but his dumping you
over it is a clear sign that marriage is not on his mind.
Kay, I’m with Grace, Over it and Allison on this one…if
you’re sensible ¬ but if you just have to say something back (and
that would definitely be me if I got a text like that, I’m sorry to
admit!!) my return text would likely go something like this: “Not
sorry enough, patently”.
Well ladies and gents….I messed up. And I am so, so very
disappointed with myself. My ex EUM dumped me the weekend before
Thanksgiving. Story goes- we have been together half ass for a year
and a half. First 6 months were awesome. Last 12 months were awful.
He pulled away gradually, I broke up with him in the summer months
because I told him I needed “space” but never really took the space
I needed. We were on a constant rollercoaster of drama because he
didn’t want to commit. His reason- he is building his own business
and is all about himself right now. No room or desire for a
girlfriend right now because he can barely keep track of himself.
Yet he didn’t mind sucking me dry….depending on me emotionally,
treating me like his girlfriend at times, being physical etc etc.
Yes, it is my fault that I stuck by this man for 18 months. Yes, he
was honest with me but I kept hoping and praying that he would come
around and see the “light” (lol, I know). Yes, I deserve to feel
the heartache that I feel right now because deep down I knew that
this is where I was going to end up. So fast forward to the weekend
before Thanksgiving. We attend a wedding. I could tell from the
moment he got into the car that he didn’t want to be there. He
completely ruined my night by being miserable the whole time. Four
or five glasses of wine deep I blew up at him….and he blew up at
me telling me that I “could have gone to that wedding alone”. That
he didn’t need to be there with me and he had to stop working that
day because he knew I was going to flip if he didn’t go. Bottom
line, doesn’t want to do the things that a “boyfriend” has to do.
So it was done….so I thought. We continued back and forth for
about three weeks of trying to talk, hanging out occasionally. It
was a recipe for disaster. I was shooting off random texts whenever
I would feel frustrated and angry. Then I would take back would I
said…it was awful. Finally he told me he had enough. And honestly
I was driving myself crazy in the process. We had a long
conversation about a week ago…kind of the peace out we need to
not speak and see where space and clarity takes us. I was so proud
of myself. I had cut contact with him for five whole days. That’s a
lot for me…it might sound pathetic but honestly, I feel like I am
trigger happy with my damn cell phone. I began to see things
differently, put things in perspective and was honestly starting to
believe that I was healing. Christmas Day. The ass text messages
me. Tells me to have a Merry Christmas….calls me by the nickname
he gave me, tells me that he hopes I have a great day. I ignore
him. Until midnight, when I out with my talking about the situation
and start feeling bad. I had every intention of letting it go, not
responding. But of course, I do. Then stupid me tries to engage
even more. And he isn’t having it. And now I feel even worse
because for the first time I felt like I was on the other side of
this, and I put myself back to where I started. I knew that his
shotty text meant nothing more than what it said. But honestly, I
told him that I needed him to not contact me. And he did. I
probably would have felt just as bad if he didn’t send one. It was
a no win situation. I just feel so pathetic for trying to feed into
the drama again. I keep expecting him to say things he is not going
to say. And I realize that this is my problem, my insecurity and
about my bruised ego. So back on the no contact wagon. Falling off
was the worst thing I could have done.
AM We’ve all done it. Just brush yourself down and get back
on the wagon. Don’t make it into a big deal or epic failure. Get it
into perspective. It’s a blip. He’s not that bothered about it and
you don’t have to be either (not that it matters what he thinks).
If you don’t want drama, then don’t create it, especially not in
your own head! Here’s to a happy 2011
Amanda M, You need to delete and block the phone number and
e-mail address. Remember, NC= No new pain. Do this for you, as this
guy is incapable of giving you a thing!
Thanks ladies….I just need to get my head on straight. I
go through happy moments, sad moments, angry etc etc. I just feel
like I have validated everything he says that he doesn’t like about
me. I guess I’m obsessing….and I need to stop. Anyways, I
appreciate the advice. Moving forward….moving on……
Thank you for your website Natalie. It has been a great source of strength, wisdom and your real life experiences.
Just having ‘waded cautiously’ back into the ‘dating pool’ two years after my last relationship ended. I can thankfully say because of your words of wisdom, guidance and your blog. I heeded my intuition and stopped two potential dating situations before they started.
One with a fellow I had been recently emailing back and forth online….but saw that his actions did not match his words. It began to feel like I was pursuing him rather than the opposite. So I stopped. I figure it goes both ways. He can email and we can go for coffee. I don’t need to keep emailing to remind him every few days that I am here. So I stopped and blocked him.
The second situation was a fellow who was seperated and just wanted to meet for a meal. I thought about everything I ha d read and learned from Baggage Reclaim and thought I surely can do better than this!!!
I can say that I am much more aware of behaviour and actions and words matching. Also one thing too….if something doesn’t feel right or sound right to me. I’m not going to second guess myself. Just move on and be patient and have my standards.
Finally it is better to be picky and thoughtful rather than just getting a coffee date or meeting someone just because. If it does not feel right or sound right…don’t do it!!!
Nothing will ever be perfect….but because of Baggage Reclaim I am way more observant and thoughtful about dating, potential partners and futur relationships.
So thank you Baggage Reclaim and Natalie for your wonderful insightful and helpful blog.
Happy New Year!!!