A while back I was talking with a reader on a consultation and I mentioned that I had written a post about our internal messaging. She said she’d read every post and never seen this and I realised that she was right, so I have published it here and updated it.
People who have bad love habits often have a nagging voice in the back of their mind that they choose to ignore. Call it Good Cop/Bad Cop, Good Angel/Bad Angel or the Voice of Reason, Insecurity or just your gut – whatever guise this voice takes, you’re not listening to it.
Just like when we choose to ignore the obvious signs that our relationship is crashing and burning, tuning out this frequency of information buys you more time to live the dream and expend more futile energy.
If it’s your gut talking, it’s likely to be logic. Trust me, we know when things aren’t right. We feel it in the pit of our stomachs, we’re not anywhere near as happy as we pretend to be and there’s this bloody voice chiming in sarcastic comments or harsh realities. This was a bit like when I bade farewell to the Mr Unavailable that eventually gave me my epiphany moment and triggered my understanding of emotional unavailability. After a night spent together he smiled and said ‘I’ll speak to you in the week’. ‘OK’ I said, but in my mind, what I actually said was ‘No you f*cking won’t – I’ll be lucky if I hear from you in the next two weeks!‘
The trouble with gut voices is they deliver messages that we may not be ready to listen to because paying attention not only means acknowledging some harsh realities, but it also means that we will have to do something with the information. We may be uncomfortable with how things are, but we convince ourselves that this discomfort is less than it would be if we changed things.
On the flipside though, if we have bad love habits, even when you’re having good times, the voice that can often speak up is the voice of insecurity. If you’re used to receiving crumbs and somebody is offering you a full meal at the table of love, dessert and all, it can be pretty scary for the uninitiated. It’s the whole ‘What’s the frickin’ catch here?
Trouble is, if we are carrying around a lot of internal messaging and have a history of poor relationships, the likelihood is that you’re not even getting a chance to sabotage what’s good because you’re more likely listening to a voice that reminds you of why you should stay even if things are crap – I won’t find someone like him again/Most women would kill to have him or If only I was X,Y, Z or I didn’t do A,B, or C, things would be so much better.
That voice also convinces you that you should wait around and hope for change or just stick it out until things become too unbearable to take anymore.
The catch is that we actually need to know which voice to listen to.We also need to be a little firmer with ourselves and learn to distinguish between both voices so that we can better empower ourselves to have healthier relationships with ourselves and men.
My gut voice chimes in after the insecurity one casts a few doubts and says ‘Listen here missy, get a frigging grip! Don’t judge a guy on the chumps you’ve been with before. Got it?’
How to change this?
Listen to the voices and assimilate which one is actually giving you the right information. Part of this goes back to understanding your internal and external fears, which will help you better judge the situation – internal fears is the messaging. If you have this messaging irrespective of whether anything is actually happening to trigger it, this is insecurity. In fact, if when you break down your thought patterns and what the voice is saying, you discover that fear is at the core of it, you can rest assured that it is the voice of insecurity, or in essence, the voice of fear.
External fear is when something is actually happening around you that triggers the fear, so for instance, he behaves like a dipstick and withdraws his attention/affections which then triggers your internal fear and sets off the voice. If you let the voice run riot and don’t do anything with the information, it stays as the voice of insecurity, but if you actually do something with it, it becomes you using your gut to make a judgement.
The gut has the potential to guide you – pay attention to how you really feel, how you’re really acting and keep both feet very firmly in reality.
If you’ve been shutting out a voice regularly, listen to it and examine the information. If the voice is telling you that he’s an asshole because he did XYZ but you keep kicking it to the kerb and rationalising it, start listening. If the voice is telling you that you’re not that great a person and surely he’s gonna find a flaw in you and run off and be with someone else, kick that one to the kerb and make a conscious effort to find personal happiness and be secure with yourself.
One of the things that I regularly advise people to do when they spend their time listening to the broken record that is their nagging voice is to intercept it. Instead of sitting there listening to it, halt the record when it starts, replace it with a positive thought, or better still, if you can’t find something positive to replace it with (you’d better get working on that), challenge what the voice just said. Some people also find that shutting off the voice before it takes hold, either by forcing themselves to ignore it or distracting themselves by busying themselves with something else, can also be effective.
The key is to stop giving negativity a place in your head and in turn, a place in your relationships, because negativity breeds negativity if it isn’t addressed.
That nagging voice is there for a reason and either way you need to do something about it because only then can you shed the desire for Mr Unavailables and assclowns and find real love with the type of man you truly deserve. As we choose men that reflect the negative things we believe about ourselves, love, and relationships, it is unsurprising that just like positive woman equals positive relationship, negative woman equals negative relationship.
This isn’t about being optimistic about poor relationships – it’s about being positive about you and being real because much of what is tied in negative internal messaging isn’t real, much like the illusion of the man you think you love.
I’ve found that a voice of reason is there to balance things out and remind me of where I’ve been, where I am, and where I’m headed for – it can be there for you too if you start listening to and trusting the real you.
Your thoughts?
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Another great post NML! This is very helpful to each of us struggling now and in the future. I used to call what was going on in my head self sabotage. And when I let the negative forces rule, that’s when I noticed the most anxiety. Thought stuff like “he might leave me if I do this or say that”, I even warded off the horrible feelings in my stomach, and the nervous jitters when I attempted to reach out to him. I was always doubting myself.
This stuff isn’t happening much anymore, and my self esteem is getting better, stronger but this post is like a feather in my cap. It solidifies all the things I’ve been working on and it really has been making a big difference.
It’s the best advice you can give anyone at anytime…the gift that keeps on giving.
Cheers!
Truer words have never been written! If I had listened to my gut instead of my internal fears and what other, well-meaning people were telling me, I would not be in the pain I am right now. On our second date, I asked a friend to come where we were going to meet EUM and tell me if she thought he was a little “off” or “wierd.” Something just didn’t feel right. She thought he was nice and a good match for me. I thought he was a bit “off” – that should have been my sigh, but I didn’t trust my own judgment. Then, when he was texting me all the time but only calling when he wanted to get together and my gut was telling me something was “off”, if I had listened instead of over-analyzing all the mistakes I made in past relationships and doubting myself – again letting my internal fears dominate my thinking – I would have acted on it. Two months in, when EUM backed off and started texting/calling less each week and we were no longer seeing each other all 3 days of the weekend and not seeing each other at all some weeks, my gut was screaming at me that he was only lukewarn and I should have cut my losses, but my internal fears won out again. This continued on for 4 more months, each time my gut was screaming at me and I was ignoring it because I was responding to my internal fears. Now, here I am aching when I could have avoided so much pain if only I trusted myself and my gut.
Ironically, it was finally listening to my gut and trusting myself that caused me to call him on the carpet and end the “relationship.” Sure enough, he finally said he didn’t feel an emotional connection with me (despite having just spent a week on vacation with me that he could have backed out of but didn’t because he “thought it would have been worse if he did”). If I didn’t initiate the break up by telling him I didn’t like the way he was treating me, I’d still be there, being strung along by fewer and fewer crumbs. Do I still want to see him, be with him, make things right? Sure, but its only been 14 days and each day, I’m a little stronger
That used to be me, not listening to my gut, I thought I was excited, had “butterflies” in my stomach when we got together – in reality I was walking on eggshells around that Freak!!
It is true and it was finally the voice in my head that I listened to thankfully, I kept asking myself what is he offering you .. nothing
how does he he treat you is it like a friend would ? no
then why are you hanging on to something that is not working for you but works wonderfully for him ??
why are you accepting rudeness and disrespect and listening to the lies of this man??
Finally I woke up to the fact I was drowning in his b.s but I didn’t have to I could cut it off and cut him out of my life..
I didn’t know that ending would bring peace I wasn’t really aware of how much anxiety he was causing me till I ended it.. so it is only day 23 but they have been the most relaxed days in ages..
Tulipa
I was – actually still – feeling they way your were about my ex. I have my “coulda/woulda/shoulda” moments and I sometimes think about him with another girl or whatever, but i stop myself and realize that I actually feel better now that he is gone. It’s still lonely sometimes, but the loneliness was me betting on his potential and not seeing the relationship for what it really was. I’m relieved that there are others that have been throught he same experience – it’s comforting.
thank you
If I had a dime for every gut instinct I squashed with the ex-EUM! I’d be rich now instead of heartbroken. I got bad advice from girlfriends too, Judy. I was telling one about my hesitations about him being so recently separated, and some of his squirrelly words and behaviors around his divorce, and she told me, “Don’t wait til he’s healed from his divorce, by then, some other woman will have snatched him up!”
Ugh. The negative voice in my head was my mom and it took a friend pointing it out for me to even realize it. Had I not finally recognized it and put a stop to it, I’d have never been able to get over my own issues.
lisaq’s last blog post..Stressed? You Need a Kiss!
Exactly, lisaq … these are our own issues. I have so much going on in my head lately that I can hardly stand myself. I’m on Day 37 of NC … the longest I’ve ever gone, but it has been difficult lately.
There is that child inside me kicking and screaming to get back into the fray – back where there is at least some excitement. The only way I can describe what I’m going through is internal-torment.
Although some days I see light at the end of this tunnel, I am realizing that this hole was dug out a long, long time ago and I have a long way to go. negative voices abound.
I thought that I was listening to my gut in my relationships but yet I decided not to follow my gut…I knew when I was being dubbed but I rationalized the behavior with some excuse…”maybe he is tired or he has alot on his mind”or “he didn’t mean it”.
Can women be ACs? I work with a woman on a board and I think she is an AC. She has AC behaviors. For example, when we first started to serve she was hot, calling me, emailing etc… Then when I became President, she became cold, wouldn’t cooperate, passive-aggressive, would not answer questions that I asked and but would answer the question via email only after another board member answered and I mean minutes after like she was waiting, strange etc.. But with that she is constantly giving little gifts,I guess to keep me warm. Now she is hot again but the strange thing like male ACs is she will email me asking me if I want to go to lunch or out shopping rather than pick up the phone and call. What if I am not on email? I see this as passive and strange. I guess this is my gut telling me that this is crap. Hope I made sense. Thoughts?
Astelle- Amen! I hear you, what I thought was “attraction” signals actually proved to be the opposite. Butterflies in the stomach is a great way to describe the feeling.
This is a really good post. Definately one that I needed to read. I’ve been able to keep myself out a lot of potentially bad situations with dates and men lately by listening to my gut. Finally! I didn’t know how to do that before, since I’d just rationalize it away before. Now I realize that I can no long afford to do that without it meaning me hurting myself somewhere in the process. It’s a good thing and I’m still learning, but it really boosts my confidence when I listen to my gut and avoid heartache. Astelle you are so right about the “attraction” signals. I’ve been watching what triggers mine lately, and realize that what I thought was attraction was just my gut reacting to bad behavior. So if I find myself attracted to someone, I wonder what they’re triggering inside of me instead of diving head first into a pile of mess now. I realize too that my “butterfly feelings” was always triggered by an assclown, not a good guy.
Thanks NML, great post. I too, had that voice with my ex EUM. I just muffled it out because I wanted to believe his BS and wanted him to be the one (the chemistry was outrageous, I still miss that sometimes). I find that now, I tune in more to that voice…and I keep telling myself that I just have to keep heading in the right direction, keeping NC and moving along with my life…busy with friends, dating and work. This reminds me of a little story I read somewhere…
A man was looking to find “success” and he get to a fork in the road. At the fork he meets a GURU. The man asks, which way to success? The guru doesn’t speak, but points to one of the roads. The man goes up the road and hits a big bump and splat…he falls down and decides he is going in the wrong direction and goes back down the road to find the guru. He asks the guru, is this the way to success because I hit a big bump. The guru doesn’t speak and just points again to the same road again. The man goes up the road again, gets alittle further this time and gets hit by a car and SPLAT he falls down. He’s beaten and bleeding and decides he must be on the wrong road and goes back down the road to find the guru. This time he asks the guru, is this the right road to success, I am beaten and bleeding and hurt. He says to the guru, please speak, don’t point. Finally, the guru speaks…the guru says, “THAT IS IN FACT THE RIGHT ROAD YOU ARE ON…SUCCESS IS JUST PAST SPLAT!”
Whenever, I feel like I’m getting weak, and feeling like I miss the excitement, or the good times with the EUM…I just think of this story and tell myself I have to get past splat…I’m on the right road and just have to keep traveling it.
Good luck to all on your journeys! HUGS!
Any time I’ve ignored my gut, whether it has to do with a man or anything else in my life, it comes back to bite me….. HARD. Therefore, I always try to go with my gut, no matter how uncomfortable it is.
This entry couldn’t have come at a better time. Thank you.
Thanks for the splat! story that will go along way for me.
I ignored my inner voice because people around me who did not see the real clown behind the ultra successful UM thought I was not being fair expecting proper behaviour from such a “Catch”. I held friends opinions over my own gut feelings which further eroded my self esteem. I held off kicking this guy to the curb for years because I did not listen to me FIRST.
I would like to share one thought that helped me let go:
Let us imagine that life is a river. Most people are clinging to the bank, afraid to let go and risk being carried along by the current of the river. When the pain of hanging on becomes greater than the fear of letting go, we let go and the river begins to carry us along safely. Once we are used to being in the flow of the river, we can begin to look ahead and guide our course. We choose which of the many branches of the river we prefer to follow, all the while still going with the flow. We can enjoy being here now, flowing with what is and at the same time, guide ourselves consciously toward our goals by taking full responsibility for creating our own lives.
The pain of hanging on became too great. Finally I let the river of life take me to where I am supposed to be. I am 4 months NC and my life is much happier and less stressful than it used to be waiting on my EUM now I have hope for my future.
Rachel…thanks for your river analogy…I’ll think about that too, when times are difficult for me in letting go.
;o)
Dear Natalie,
Great post, and great website, and great book.
I will never be able to thank you enough or communicate enough how much you have helped me to overcome my EUM addiction and to become a better person.
After all this journey, now I have a big question and I hope you can help me.
I read your book back in October, after a very nasty break up with my exboyfriend, for whom I left my life back home (somewhere in Latin America) to move with him to another country (Middle East), only to for him to dump me a couple of weeks after. I left my job, friends, family, sold all my stuff, because I was like you say, too hooked up in my own little fairytale. I screw up big time. However I don´t regret it because it was my ephypany relationship. And I needed that. I needed my wake up call. I am turning 34 this year and I´ve had enough after having only dated emotionally unavailable men since I started to date back in highshool. Honestly. I´ve never been attracted to nice guys. And I´ve had enough.
So after the nasty breakup I knew things had to change so I turned to the internet for answers and luckly I found you.
After reading your book I understood how the EUM addiction is rooted on low self esteem and negative messaging. I already suspected that all my relationship problems were related to my parenting. My father is an alcoholic (sober for 8 months now, thank God), and an EUM, and my mother is EUM too.
Apart from reading your wonderful book I also complemented my change process with another book about healing your inner emotional wounds from childhood and reconstructing your self image and self esteem.
Is been such a long and hard process, but is been worth it. I’ve already became a much more positive person, I am truly loving myself now and taking care of myself. I no longer believe that I need to be perfect in order to be lovable. I no longer believe that I don’t deserve to be loved. I have taken responsability for my actions, for my emotions, for my emotional healing, and for my well being in every single way. My transformation has been incredible. As you probably know, in so many ways adult children of alcoholics remain children even when we become adults. I´ve worked so hard to tame my past and come in terms with that and the progress has been amazing. My growth as been amazing. After my therapy and inner work I am becoming a more responsible person, I turn up on time for work, I actually get my work done, I am commited to losing the weight that reflects my old self esteem, I take care of my health and hygiene, I eat healthier, get enough sleep, drink and smoke less, etc. Equally importantly, I’ve learned to set boundaries on myself and others, and stick to them, I have taken giant steps to overcome the residual depression that I still go through after having being diagnosed with clinical depression 3 years ago. Now I know I am perfect just as I am, and I am lovable and deserve to be happy. I have learned to control and ignore all the negative inner talk. I just walked away from a EUM with GF a few weeks ago. As I said, my progress has been amazing, and I truly feel it and mean it.
However it´s been a very overwhelming process, and sometimes I do get tired.
I get tired of all the changes I’ve had to make and all the changes I still have to make.
I get upset because I wonder why does it have to be so difficult for me whilst others have it so easy.
And more important, I am getting a little discouraged because I keep attracting EUMS.
True, now I detect them much more easily, and I walk away from them, even when a part of me wants to stick around and jump through the hoops and go back to my bad habits of “working hard for loveâ€.
But none the less, I keep attracting these guys, and I am getting discouraged.
So all my rant basically is because I want to ask you how can we remain positive and motivated and think that eventually we will meet the right guy, when we keep meeting all these EUMS ? I am getting tired of this and I am seriously thinking about giving up, even that I know that would be even more counterproductive 🙁
Any advice would be much appreciated.
THANK YOU AGAIN FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART, YOU´VE CHANGED MY LIFE NATALIE.
The negative self messaging is very dangerous and it takes consistent, daily positive messaging to overcome the negative. The negative creeps in and I work hard to change those thoughts around. I met with an old friend from HS and we hadn’t seen each other in years…her comment when I told her about my last relationship with my ex EUM was “you still go for the bad boys, you go for the good looking bad boys and have to break that addiction.” I realize she is right and I’m working hard to change it…however, I notice that the nice guys I’ve been out with I haven’t been attracted to. I still believe there has to be some chemistry/spark to want to be romantically involved with a guy. HELP!!!!!!!!
I am having a serious dilemma right now; one in which I was so angry after a confrontation with the bf that I just stormed out of his house.
Situation: We’ve been together for 5 years. We do not live together but we are in a committed exclusive relationship.
We had the Christmas holidays off and he admitted to me he loaned some guy from work $500 and was having trouble getting it back. The guy kept calling him while bf was at my house over the holidays.
I found out later bf had lied to me about the amount. It was nearly $3000 and there were a whole bunch of lies associated with it.
I was quite angry at him because he financial good sense is one of the things I had really admired in him and I thought we were to the point of bouncing ideas off each other when we weren’t sure. Any major purchases I had made I ran them by him first just to make sure I wasn’t doing anything foolish and he tended to do the same thing.
We got into it over this and his lying and nearly broke up over it. I felt I couldn’t trust him anymore. He promised me he would not loan the guy anymore money ever again. The guy never did pay him back either.
I thought things had been resolved about it. I really did.
I was over spending the night last night and wanted to write something down quickly I saw online. He was still sleeping. I just grabbed a piece of paper on the desk and started to write my phone numbers down and then I noticed there were a bunch of figures on the paper. I opened it up and there was a handwritten promissory note from the con artist guy to my bf. It said that my M had loaned him $900 on January 5th and he would pay him back on January 6th with $100 interest.
Ok I nearly went through the roof! My bf had promised me no more lying and no more giving this con artist money the last week in December.
So I was livid and went in and confronted him about it and bf basically told me it was none of my business and it was his money and he can do what he wants to with it and that I had no reason to be angry with him.
I said you lied to me and you promised not to give him anymore money and then bf kept lying saying he hadn’t.
I said clearly you see yourself as a single guy who has zero commitment or obligation to me so I think we should cool it for awhile. I said you be single all you want and so will I. I said that his financial responsibility was one of the things I really liked about him and attracted me to him and that trust is the back bone of any relationship and I don’t trust you.
I got my things and left.
What do you think?
Jean,
First, I understand how the lying is making you crazy. I too, believe in honesty, However, I think that if you are not married to this guy or living together or have your money combined, so that his finances are really his own business. I think you are trying to control what he does with his money and it’s not your place. He may be lying to you because he knows you will freak out and he doesn’t want to deal with it. Secondly, why is he lending money to a co-worker to begin with? Are you certain he isn’t doing something else underhanded, like a bookie or loan sharking? He seems to be covering it up because he doesn’t want you to freak out…Is he secretive in other ways? Do you know for certain he isn’t involved in some type of gambling, bookie, etc? Sometimes, people are not what they seem to be. On the other hand, if he is a good guy that was just trying to help out a friend, and he’s on the up and up in every other way and treats you great, then you might want to consider forgiving him…there’s a million assclowns and jerks out there that you wouldn’t want…Also, have you thought that you are not his mother, or his keeper and he can learn the lesson of lending and not getting paid back on his own…he is his own person and just because you are in a relationship, you don’t have control over everything he does…and if you did, would you want a man without a backbone???
Jean, I would be really concerned about the lying. Even though your finances are not together and they are essentially his own business, you said that you both tended to run major financial things past each other before. What he did is a pretty major financial thing, and one in very poor judgement and he probably realizes this, which is why he didn’t tell you. The biggest problem I see is that he promised to you not to do it again after you first found out, and then he did it again. And if you feel that after 5 years he is acting as a single guy with no commitment to you, and you do not trust him now, it is a problem. And Finallyseenthelight I don’t think he is learning his lesson about lending and not getting paid back because he lent $3000, didn’t get paid back, and then lent another $900 to the same guy. I don’t think Jean is trying to control what he does with his money; she is rightfully concerned this guy is doing something that is in bad judgement, and on top of it lying about it repeatedly. I think she is right in considering ending the relationship after he broke her trust, even though those are his own finances. Where there is one lie, there are usually many more.
finallyseenthelight, do you think his repeated lying is justified? He started lying to me about all kinds of things when this was going on. He was being sneaky and hiding his cell phone.
The issue isn’t controlling his money. The issue is his lying and deceptiveness towards me and his repeated poor judgment.
Carm, yes he probably was embarrassed and ashamed at being duped but when I discovered what had happened and we talked about it. He knew I wasn’t thinking badly of him and he told me he wouldn’t give him anymore money, I thought it was all a non issue and resolved.
You are right. It isn’t about me controlling his money. It is the poor judgment and the lying and deceptive behaviors that came out. He started lying to me about all kinds of things.
So when I saw the note dated after he had promised not to loan the guy anymore money and I confronted him and he looked me right in the eye and lied to me saying that was before, I knew this was very serious. I knew he was capable of looking me in the eye and lying to me about something that I already knew the truth about and that he was capable of being sneaky and deceptive about other things.
He broke my trust forever and I said goodbye.
Jean, I think you did the right thing. I thought the only lie was about the money, which isn’t right to begin with, but if he’s been lying and hiding his cell phone, then it’s only the tip of the iceberg!!! I would also be concerned that he’s not all that bright if he loans someone money and they don’t pay him back and then he loans them more…you don’t need to be a rocket scientist to figure that one out. Also, unfortunately, he’s getting caught in his lies…so either he’s not that bright, or was too cowardly to break up with you, so he’s purposely lying and wanting to get caught (like leaving the IOU in plain sight by his papers)…so you can do the dirty work and break up with him. Many men do this as they are really too cowardly to be the one to say they want to break up and act like jerks so you will get mad and do the deed. Jean, you deserve better than someone who will lie, and be deceptive to your face. You did the right thing. It’s hard to separate after being with someone for so many years…but better to find out now than after you may have married him or had kids with him.
HUGS
finallyseenthelight, that could be the case. He may have wanted to break up and wanted me to do the dirty work. He always leaves his personal papers out. I think he left that one out because he contacted that guy earlier that day.
Several people have suggested to me over the years that he make have undiagnosed aspergers. If that is the case, I am not equipped to deal with that type of disorder.
Hi, this post has me thinking about my current situation…
After a good 2 years of meeting EU men, I now fear my internal messaging is out of whack. I’ve met a nice guy but wonder if, deep down, he’s just like the rest – sure, he flatters me, is respectful and lovely and we have a great time together, but I feel (after repeated negative experiences) as if I’m now so needy for attention that because he doesn’t call me every night (we work at the same place) or doesn’t reply to EVERY email/text, that it’s a sign he’s not interested. I do not make this insecurity obvious to him.
On the one hand, I am quick to cut ties with anyone who is overly demanding or who has obvious issues: like the guy who told me he had 3 kids and then questioned/overanalysed why I wanted to know the gender split, refusing to accept I was merely interested to know! And the guy I tried and failed to meet up with, who refused to accept my explanations then sent me long, ranting texts saying he was ‘trying to be nice’ (how big of him).
But give me someone I like and I am filled with fear. Now I don’t know if the nagging voice is one of reason or if it’s the negative self-fulfilling prophecy voice. After all, I am telling friends I am scared to say I have met someone new, because I KNOW it will go wrong; but I so desperately want to enjoy being with him.
Long story short: my recent experiences have left me scared to love. How do I tune into my true instinct again? What do I need to look out for in this guy, and perhaps even myself?
I just realized something crying over the assclown tonight and doing some soulsearching (turning the attention to me, thanks NML).
I was a drama seeking girl. Because it was familiar for me and I truly believed that was just who I was. Now l know that I just thought I didn´t deserve serenity, a family, the whole package. I was afraid that l wouldn´t measure up to a good guy. I.e. I didn´t think I was good enough.
Now l realise that I need a man that can have some empathy to a little flaw or a little insecurity once in a while. Nobody is perfect. And I don´t have to be perfect to deserve a good guy. I just have to know that I want and deserve compassion. Not just passion.
Hello NML – this is the post that I needed to read this weekend. I am so glad I was able to search and find it on your website. I’ve been dating a great guy lately and my insecurities have been rearing their head in the past week or so. He and I are still in the early days of our relationship, and I’d say we are still not officially in one. We are dating, having fun, but there is a few hours of distance involved. Plus we both have very active lives, so our seeing each other requires commitment on both ends.
In any event, he is a great guy. A real gentleman and very considerate and nice. Definitely not an assclown. He calls, he holds the door for me, he’s respectful. We have fun, there is attraction – I could go on and on.
Where I get insecure is that I don’t think either of us know exactly where we are headed, and it’s too early days to have that sort of discussion. A lot of my friends want to know if this we are going to become girlfriend/boyfriend and other girlfriends (many eternally single girlfriends) seem excited to tell me how to act or not act.
Adding to that my poor choices in men over the past few years, my confidence is low sometimes.
Turning inward – my thoughts range from thinking that after he paid me a huge compliment (like saying “I wish every day could be like that day we spent together”; or “every weekend with you is a fun weekend”) – he’s about to deliver some death blow like “but I can’t go out with you any longer”.
He’s away this weekend on a hiking trip and I’ve taken the weekend to process why I am feeling the way I am feeling. It’s not because of any red flag behavior on his part. It’s all me and my insecurity.
I don’t think he’s picked up on it – I hope he hasn’t. I am determined to conquer these irrational thoughts.
Do I know if we will become boyfriend/girlfriend at this stage? No. But what I do know is that this is the healthiest, most fun, most positive dating experience I have been in in well over a decade.
A friend told me of an expression when your mind starts hurling garbage at you. It’s “Get your Captain on deck!” Meaning – get a hold of yourself, take charge, have confidence and believe in yourself. Do not sabotage yourself. Be happy.
That’s what I am committed to doing.
Being eternally single (or eternally with an assclown) – is my comfort zone. When I am single – it’s an easy thing to just “wish you had someone special”. When you are with (or at least me) an assclown, it’s an easy emotion to over analyze and feel angst about “why things can’t be better.” Dating and being in the beginnings of a healthy relationship is brand new territory for me. It can be easy – I think it’s a combination of “enjoying the calmness” and “getting your captain on deck”.
Anyway – thanks for the post. This site has really helped me grow over the past few years. Grow out of negative and unhealthy patterns. I still have a ways to go – but – it’s just so nice to fell like I am making progress.
x!
I’ve been reading all the posts and articles for hours… after just ending it with my EUM today, who was a LDR as well !! this is painful, it really hurts, but its comforting to know this learned pattern of behaviour can also be ‘un-learned’ and that I am not alone in my predicament. thank you all 🙂