no 1 badgeOne of the misconceptions that many women have is this notion that the fact that they are with an ‘unsuitable’ guy for a relationship is circumstantial; they’re ‘victims’ of circumstance, bad luck, and it’s purely a matter of having the opportunity to demonstrate that they are a great woman with all of the right qualities and the perfect love for him.

It’s as if being in relationships where it’s a constant uphill struggle and practically needing to do the verbal equivalent of clubbing him over the head repeatedly to get him to be what you feel is the potential for the relationship…is totally normal.

In reality, whilst we all have our ups and downs, positive women with a healthy self-esteem and attitude towards relationships, don’t aspire to be with negative men, that create negative relationships, that ultimately lead to them feeling negative about themselves and love and relationships.

Positive Woman, Positive Relationship.

Oh I get some women saying “I love him unconditionally! I love him for who he is!”

No you don’t! If you did, you wouldn’t be saying stuff like this because people who are having ‘normal’ relationships don’t need to explain how conditional their love is. You wouldn’t be trying to get him to change by trying to show how wonderful you are so that he eventually takes the hint, and in actual fact there are conditions attached because as long as you are not happy within, you need him to be in assclown territory. If he did change, you wouldn’t know what to do with yourself and you might not even be attracted to him anymore.

You attract and desire men and relationships that reflect the negative (or positive) things that you believe about yourself.

Look around you; your life is a reflection of you. Your men are a reflection of what you believe about yourself.

If you spend most days miserable, obsessing, feeling depressed, wondering when he’ll call, wondering what you could have done differently, analysing your every move, think about what this means about you.

You spend a lot of your mental time and brain power obsessing about him, analysing the relationship, wondering what you could have done differently, wondering who he’s with, where he’s at, why he’s not calling, why he doesn’t love you the way that you love him.

If you have a positive relationship with yourself, you have a healthy enough level of self-esteem that kicks in and says “Hold up a frickin second here. I’ll be damned if I throw away my life, pining after someone who doesn’t want me or doesn’t want to present and accountable for a relationship. I respect myself far too much to live a half life or allow a man to continue to disregard me. I am hurting, but I need to get on with my life”.

If you’re obsessing about someone and keep going back for a kicking despite the fact that he has shown you his true character, you don’t care about yourself. You care far more about validating yourself off crumbs of his attention that you do about treating yourself with care and love.

It’s like self-harming, except for your wounds are internal, but they nonetheless reflect the negative, damaging relationship that you have with you.

It may feel like it’s all coming tumbling down like the house of cards and that if you can just fix this one thing, him, then everything else will kick into place.

But it would be far better to change your attitude and mentality because that shapes and prepares you for making other changes in your life. You can’t enforce change upon someone else, but you can get up one day and say “I’m not just going to say I want life to be different, I am going to act different because I want my actions to match my words”.

Sticking yourself into a negative cycle is not going to change anything; it will just trap you in a rut and keep stoking the negative flames. You may not feel like you’re capable of making change, but it’s baby steps. You are in control here, so if you want that relationship to change, you have to be the one to do the changing, not the people around you.

One of the first things that we need to stop doing is complicating our break ups. There is too much trying to outthink the other party, trying to anticipate how he may behave, and trying to keep your options open. You can’t legislate for what he is doing, thinking, or saying, but if you continue to put yourself in limbo whilst betting on a wing and a prayer, your life is going to pass you by.

Don’t put off till tomorrow what you could today. There is no revolutionising the wheel and instead of hoping for a 24 hour or week, or month miracle of change from him, get out and get positive about you.

If you’ve been struggling with emotional unavailability, check out my new ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download.

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