Over the past few months, I’ve found that quite a few readers have felt stuck on a particular dilemma: Whether or not to reach out to an ex on their birthday or for occasions such as Christmas or anniversaries. Should I wish my ex happy Christmas/Holidays? Should I break No Contact and say happy birthday? Do you send a text? A card? A gift? Show up in a fur coat and no knickers?
Let’s cut straight to the chase.
Are you true friends?
Do you have an ulterior motive for reaching out to your ex?
If it’s no for the first and yes for the latter, halt. Do nothing.
Like your average healthy relationship, a genuinely mutually fulfilling friendship doesn’t require pulling teeth or angst. You don’t have to keep trying to force the fact that you’re friends. There isn’t a need to keep reminding them to stop trying to get into your pants or screw you over. You don’t agonise about calling, meeting up, or sending a greeting card. Why? Because you’re friends.
For example: “It’s Phil’s birthday next week. I wonder if I should send a text or card? Or maybe I should give him that gift I was originally going to give him before the bastard finished it with me… But will he expect to hear from me? Or will he think it’s weird if he doesn’t hear from me? I’ve been trying to get him to meet up with me or at least talk, so maybe if I send him a message…
Hmmm, I still don’t know if I should just send a text or whether I should go for the full-on card? He’ll see that I’m thinking of him and finally respond. Ugh, what if he responds and asks me to meet up and we end up back in bed together? Or, jaysus, what if he completely blanks my message? Mortification! Ack, I don’t know what to do. I feel like I should send a message to show that I still care. I also don’t want him to think that I’m childish…”
This.is.too.much. Expending copious amounts of emotional, mental, physical and spiritual energy is a sign that you’re riding a train of thought that’s going to lead to pain and problems.
If you have to put this much effort into sending a greeting card or going for the low energy option of sending a text or posting to their Facebook page, halt. This is a sign that you shouldn’t be doing it. It’s not natural. It’s not you.
What’s downright scary is that often the person you’re expending effort on doesn’t reciprocate. One woman who’d spent a month trying to work out what card and gift to send had never had a gift from her ex during their four-year relationship! And so many people worry about this reaching out malarkey and yet, they’re not on speaking terms with the person and are often No Contact (NC)!
When you dig deep (or maybe not that deep for some of you), the truth is that when you invest energy into 1) fretting about whether to send a greeting and 2) actually sending a greeting to someone who isn’t your friend/didn’t treat you well in the relationship, you’re far too worried about how you look. You’re trying to be The Good Girl/Guy.
In reality, when all is said and done, and you’re on your deathbed or have passed on, nothing and no one is going to come along with a printout of all the brownie points you’ve clocked up through life by doing things that are not actually in your best interests. You’re not going to hear “You’ve done so much good. According to my notes, back in October 2011, you sent a text to one jackass ex to wish them a happy birthday. In fact, as I flick through my log, I see that you’ve been such a good person. You always let people that may not have been thinking of you know that at least you’re thinking of them with a host of greeting cards, gifts, thoughtful texts, and a whole heap of boundary-busting.”
When you break, you break. This is not to say that exes don’t send each other greetings on big occasions but they fall into two categories:
1) They really are genuine friends
2) They use the opportunity to re-open the proverbial door, gain attention and even a shag, money etc.
If you’re contemplating sending a greeting to an ex that you’re not actually friends with, you fall into category #2. You are using an occasion no matter how flimsy, to send a white flag. Or more than likely, it’s a “Hey! Look at me I’m still here!” It might take the form of “Surely you can’t dare to ignore me now that I’ve sent you this card/message/gift and you’ll have to contact me now?” Or sometimes you’re shouting “I still want your arse!” loud and clear.
Birthdays and occasions like Christmas/The Holidays aren’t the only sources of angst, though. Checking your motives when you’re tempted to reach out in response to negative events is vital. It’s one thing if you’re showing genuine concern. For example, “Just wanted to say that I’m sorry to hear about the floods and that I hope you and your family are OK. Take care.” But that’s incredibly different to when you reach out because you’re worried about whether they’re wondering why they haven’t heard from you.
Hard as it may be to hear, it’s not about you! If they’ve had a flood, the house is burning down, or whatever, they’re not burning up brain power wondering why someone who’s been No Contact with them for some time and that they may have in fact treated poorly hasn’t been in touch. That is unless it’s to think “Wow! It turns out they’re not as much of a compassionate doormat as I thought!”
A few of exes tried to drop a contact bomb in on a big occasion. They either ended up taking over with their attention seeking or I ruined my day investing energy into their ‘effort’.
You can’t just carry on as if nothing has happened. Hard as this may be to hear, they may have someone in their life. Do you really want to be a conversation piece or a source of friction? Or maybe you do. If, for example, they used to cheat on their current or ex-partner with you, your contact is likely to be read as an attempt to test the waters for rekindling the affair.
Don’t buy it. Save your money, spend it on yourself, but do not buy a gift. It will cause you a great deal of disappointment and hurt when you come crashing back down to earth. It’s like trying to continue the relationship on an alternate universe. You go into this whole fantasy thing where you imagine how they’re going to react to your gift, how it will affect their thoughts and feelings about you. They’re actual reaction, that’s if they react at all, might be pretty awkward. It’s possible that they’ll be weirded out. And if they’re shady, the gift might be read as confirmation that they can mistreat you. Why? Because you’re trying to please them.
The thing that brings people back to earth about the dilemma of whether to reach out to an ex on their birthday or at Christmas, etc, is boundaries.
If you reaching out to an ex means that you ignore or flat-out disrespect your needs, expectations, desires, feelings and opinions, halt.
If you reaching out to an ex means that you’re busting theirs or their partner’s/friend’s/family’s boundaries, leave it be.
Don’t give to receive because that type of giving isn’t wholehearted. It has hidden expectations and may even be an attempt at guilting them into responding. Particularly on birthdays, which are a personal day, don’t turn it into an opportunity to get your foot through the door or to soothe your ego.
And if it’s them sending a greeting to you and you’re not on good terms, respond after the occasion has passed if you feel like it. There’s no fire!
When there’s true friendship and/or you’ve let go of the relationship and the pain, fear and guilt around it, you’re not going to use a text, card or whatever to gain attention. There’s no investment in a particular outcome. It won’t matter whether they respond or not because you’re being friendly without expectation.
If that doesn’t sound like you, don’t send the greeting. Or go and post on their Facebook page like every other Tom, Dick and Harry does/will. Just like when I’ve said “It’s just cake”, it’s just a greeting, and they don’t owe you a debriefing or excessive amount of acknowledgement. If you wouldn’t send this message on any other day, be real with yourself – you’re just seizing on an opportunity. Let it be.
Your thoughts?
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So true, Nat. The old “birthday send” and breach of No Contact is never a good idea. It never works out; it always ends in tears. Funny enough, as I was reading the title of your article, “To Send a Card or Text… Or Not To Send”, I was yelling NO at the computer. “Send, or not send?” Ladies, it’s not even “neither”.
It’s NO.
“Don’t be disruptive. I say this as someone who has had a few exes try to drop a contact bomb in on an occasion and ended up taking over in their attention seeking or I’ve ended up ruining my own day investing energy into their ‘effort’.”
I totally agree – I recently had an ex get in touch to wish me a happy birthday (mind you, he got the date wrong…but only by…THREE WEEKS). I wasn’t touched or flattered – I was annoyed. Basically, it was saying, “Natasha, I still think you’re kind of an idiot and perhaps will continue to be stupid/pathetic enough to think I’m a great guy based on this paltry text.”
I think a lot of this goes back to being authentic. If you authentically wish them a happy birthday/happy holidays (National Curry Day made me choke on my Diet Coke), you really don’t need to get in touch to convey that if it’s not appropriate. As silly as it sounds, you can literally think, “I hope so-and-so has a happy birthday” and get on with your day. Likewise, if they didn’t treat you well/are an assclown, do you really, authentically wish them a wonderful day?
I put a lot of time and thought into cards, gifts, etc. and, if I do not have good feelings towards someone, I don’t put the effort in to send them anything. I wouldn’t want a birthday greeting from someone who thought, “Damn, that Natasha is a real assclown. However, I don’t want her to move on/forget about me, so I’m going to friendship-fake and text her.” Be authentic – if you have to seriously think about it, it’s a sign that it’s probably a bad idea.
Natasha, you hit the nail on the head. 🙂 – don’t even have to ask any questions ! keep them coming !!
If an ex did me dirty, the LAST thing on my mind would be sending them any kind of greeting in any form. 2 middle fingers maybe (I’m half-joking), but definitely not a greeting. And a gift? HELL no.
*sigh of relief* I’ve done a few things right, and this is one of them, thank goodness.
Agreed Spinster! The only gift I would wish on my ex for his birthday is known as “the gift that keeps on giving”.
(For those of you outside of the US, the alternative meaning of this phrase is “herpes”.)
I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but if I heard that an ex got the gift, I’d say “Oh. Damn. Well… too bad so sad.” *shrug*
Spinster, you’re a bigger person than I am! I get a little petty in my mind at times because the guy is still bothering me, even though he was sleeping around behind my back and most likely still has quite the harem. I think that’s my version of poetic justice haha!
I can’t say that I blame you. Too bad, so sad. (while trying not to laugh at the newly-rotten dick) 😐
I can not believe the timing of this post. I just sent a birthday greeting to a former guy friend. I was debating whether or not to send it with all of the above questions posed by Natalie rolling around in my mind. After reading this post I KNOW I shouldn’t have sent the e-mail. Lesson learned. Thank-you Natalie. 🙂
I’m one of these people who can’t be friends with someone they were in love with, it wouldn’t be authentic,especially when he treated me without respect. I would not send a card.In fact,during the three years we were in a so called relationship he forgot my birthday 3 times and his excuse was-” i don’t really celebrate birthdays “.
He was never around on any special occasions.I was not sure whether that was because he was totally selfish, he liked people to think he was still single or he was living a double life.I’m certain he was an assclown.
No card,no gift ,no contact.
Tanzanite:
Forgot your birthday every year? What the f***? What a dirtbag. Good riddance to bad rubbish.
Spinster-
You are so right .
It just took me too long for my to be brain to get back in control of my heart.
Tanzanite,
” i don’t really celebrate birthdays “….
From my own experience, this is yet another of those stock lines from the How To Be An EUM/Assclown Playbook.
Radio girl-
Did your man have the same book ? I think mine had a degree on the subject.
Doesn’t natalie call it outrageous principal ?
I was devastated by some who the things he said and did but now I can laugh my head off, mostly at me for putting up with it.
I keep watching the film -” eat ,pray.love ” it’s very inspiring for girls/ ladies like us.
onward and upward.
Hey, Tanzanite, “Onward and Upward” was my school motto! 😀
Thinking back, my ex used so many lines from the How To Be An EUM/Assclown Playbook that he was laughably corny. Can’t believe I fell for all those rubbish excuses and, yes, that kind of thing is definitely Outrageous Principle behaviour. My self-esteem must have been utterly rock-bottom to have accepted and normalised it. It’s my 52nd birthday on Sunday, and it will be spent with my close family who love and care for me without question. How different from last year’s heartbreaking experience. He took me out for dinner, but made very little effort to be good company. Afterwards, we went back to his home for the celebratory bottle of champagne he’d put in the fridge. He drank all but one glass of it, then finished up the bottle of red wine he’d already started on his own during the week, and followed this down with some tins of beer. Finally came the whisky chaser. Whilst doing this, he flicked through photos on the big screen of his daughter, which were interspersed with shots of him cuddled up on the sofa with his previous gf. I got into bed in tears, while he fell asleep in a drunken stupor. Certainly made my birthday memorable, for all the wrong reasons. So yes, I know all about the Outrageous Principle. And after all that, and a few more months of similar behaviour which I continued to accept while my self-esteem went through the floor, I sent him a really thoughtful birthday present in February which I knew he would love. He didn’t even bother phoning to say he’d received it, but texted me to call him 2 weeks later so he could break up with me. I’m glad I got so badly burnt by this chump, though, as in the end it spurred me on to all the hard work that – after 4 months of NC, 6 months of therapy, reading Natalie’s blogs and all the BR readers’ comments, and slowly developing my interests – is just starting to pay off with the green shoots of a much more fulfilling life.
I’ll certainly watch “Eat, Pray, Love” – sounds really inspiring. All good thoughts to you!
I had one ex who always ‘forgot’ my birthday. One year I had a choice to go away or stay home for my b’day I chose to stay home, should have known he wouldn’t remember I ended up in tears and he ended up with a mate over playing video games. When I finally told him it was my b’day he said “Oh I forgot we never really celebrated b’days when I was young.”
I remember that particular year because I had also been sick a few days beforehand. So we went out to dinner with his mate in tow and when we arrived at the restaurant it was all you can eat buffet but I didn’t feel like eating, a while later I asked my ex if I could have a little off his plate. One would have thought I had committed a crime by asking it was stealing if I ate from his plate and if I wanted something I was to go and pay for my own food.
And yes I was stupid enough to buy him expensive gifts and make his birthday memorable. SIGH
The last EUM was the opposite he made my birthdays special by taking me to expensive restaurants and yes he paid, buying expensive gifts and even though we celebrated after my birthday he always rang me on the day.
But when it came to his birthday, he shut me out I was never invited to any celebration he had though I always heard about it afterwards. I mean I did have a b’day dinner with him but it was like my things were second best. Last year he hit a big milestone b’day and was having a party, which I was invited too but a month prior he dumped me it was too much that he had asked me to his party. I agonised over that text because he had made my birthdays special and I felt guilt mixed with wanting to go to the party wanted him to undump me lol so I texted away and lo and behold I was not invited after all .
It is just plain mean to be forgotton by someone who you are in a relationship with, it is staggering what they can trot out and we accept.
Hi Radio girl
Have a lovely day on Sunday.
I’m 46 years old and I can honestly say the older you are, the more a broken heart hurts.I think it’s because people have less sympathy because they feel you should have known better, and we know our options are more limited as we get older.I feel for everyone on here and I always hope the younger girls don’t wait till they are my age before they get it.
I’m like you,the work needs to be done on myself but I still have that feeling of being empty and lost.
Good luck to you and everyone else.
Ok I got curious and looked on the EXhubby’s Facebook to see his wedding pictures. I actually like his new wife she’s a nice gal and we get along well- she treats our son well. After all its been 20 years ok – the past is the past. Now I want to slap him on her behalf… No pictures of her in her wedding dress instead – THERE WAS OUR WEDDING PICTURE from 1988. WTF! How rude! We still have minimal contact because of our son which is unfortunate but frickin duh – he can’t be that dumb or insensitive. I wish she would have run like I told her too….. I am pissed on her behalf and hey that’s my picture I don’t want it on his facebook. Whatever for…. disrespectful absolutely…. Calling her won’t make a difference and calling him and demand he take it down won’t either – its just so annoying….. These guys never grow up I swear – 20 years get over it! Now what?
“I actually like his new wife she’s a nice gal and we get along well- she treats our son well. After all its been 20 years ok – the past is the past. Now I want to slap him on her behalf… No pictures of her in her wedding dress instead – THERE WAS OUR WEDDING PICTURE from 1988. WTF!”
WTF indeed. 😐 How disrespectful on so many levels. And after 20 years…
A leopard never changes its spots.
Natasha, loved how you put it: “ I still think you’re kind of an idiot and perhaps will continue to be stupid/pathetic enough to think I’m a great guy based on this paltry text.”
Exactly. If they have been treating you wrong, then sending you bd txt, it means like: “I am a good decent guy, afterall, and its you, who are twisted, messed up woman, who dares to doubt that.” Or any othr version, but it like: lm a nice guy afterall, look , l even sent you a bdtext, how dare you to think lm an ac.
Ha that is so correct. I’ve been sent bday emails for years from an eum/ac I dated, funny because I didnt send him one ever. I stopped acknowledging them years ago but they still come, I do believe that he is just trying to convince himself that he is a good guy. My xhusband also sent me birthday cards for years after we divorced and guess what, I found out after we parted that he had been sending an old girlfriend bday cards the whole time we were married. I think these guys just do it to make them feel good about themselves.
True story ladies! A LOT of these guys are very focused on everyone thinking that they are a “great guy” – bless their little assclown hearts. My ex was awful and yet would post status updates on Fbook extolling what a great guy he was. I mean, really? Nat has a saying called, “Those Who Doth Protest Too Much”, which basically means that anyone who is always yapping about how great they are and doing things to “prove” what a nice person they are generally means that they posess none of these qualities or aren’t confident in their own decency. This goes quadruple for anyone who treated you like crap and then tries to convince you of what a great person they are. These are the guys that are jerks in and sometimes out of the relationship but still want you to agree to be their “friend”/think well of them. FLUSH!
Ugh, my daughter’s father does this all the time too. I always tell my family and friends that he is selling himself but I am not buying it.
He will go on and on about what a great guy he is, and how he “wears his heart on his sleeve” and how he is just misunderstood and no one gets his inner being. Talk on and on about how he’s changed and grown but it is all a bunch of crap.
It is called WHITEWASHING.
Barbara I dont know how you can stand this man. I would have to be putting up some boundaries big time with him. It sounds like he needs some serious mental help.
No one gets his inner being?! Ohmygod, this guy is such an idiot. You should be like, “Dude, no one can even FIND your inner being. It’s submerged in so much booze you’d need a search and rescue team at this point.”
Natalie: You are truly amazing! This is so true. My ex-AC’s birthday was recently and I asked myself should I send him a birthday wish (after almost 3 months of NC). Then I got over my mental lapse by asking myself “do you really give a crap if he has a good birthday?”. Nope. Just happy he’s feeding someone else the crumbs from his birthday cake. Had more than my share, that’s for sure. Come to think of it, those crumbs didn’t taste all that good though he thought he was feeding me a four- course dinner. Getting there slowly one day at a time thanks to you and all the ladies on this site who understand the mind games these guys play. Happy birthday AC. Many more without me. Yeah!
Haha, FinallyDidIt!
“Happy birthday AC. Many more without me. Yeah!”
This would make a great Birthday card. You should sell this line to Hallmark:)
it’s good to hear this.
not that i was going to break my NC over his birthday, but his birthday has been on my mind. it’s his 50th, a real milestone.
it’s true there could be someone else in his life for all i know, and that is the first reason that stops me. but right after that is that i’m not really all that interested anymore. and honestly, no f***ing way i’m going to throw out the window all the work i’ve put in to feel better, the main medicine being NC!
Natalie,
I’ve had numerous A-HA, light-bulb-over-the-head moments reading your posts this last year since I’ve been NC from the assclown, but this one has been a megawatt spotlight on my head. Wow! Not only does your description perfectly describe the dysfunctional dance I would do regarding special occasions, but I never would’ve dreamed the AC wasn’t the only one guilty of boundary busting! I was just as guilty! The AC was very boldly setting a boundary with his lack of reciprocation on my birthday, etc. that he wanted no part of the signs of love, care, and respect, but I would steamroll over it every single time because I had the mommy complex and knew what was best for him. If that wasn’t bad enough, I truly believed hearing from me on his day would make him feel loved and happy and would somehow help undo all the hurt from his woeful past (according to him). How arrogant I was to think I could make a dent in his firm pattern of jerkwad behavior!
I would’ve never made it to the accomplishment of one year NC without your sage advice via this blog. Thank you!
I’ve been experiencing a rough few days. Somewhere in that mess I tossed around the idea of sending a message to an ex EUM. And as good as I have been feeling even last week, I gave in and messaged him. I asked myself before hand why in the hey I was doing it. NOW, after I’ve done it I literally feel like burying my head, no whole body, in the sand. I am so embarrassed. He never responded and he probably was weirded out. Probably thought I was frickin nuts. I see now I was trying for his attention. And I might as well have jumped into the black abyss! So how do I get over the embarrassment or feeling like an idiot after I’ve made contact? What if I was a conversational piece, a ridiculous one? I feel soooo stupid now. I am annoyed with myself in how I sabotage my growth and reach out to people that probably laugh at me. Ugh. Stick a honking red nose on my face and paint my cheeks because I am a clown!
Oh, colororange, you’re not a clown,or an idiot. We have all been there, in one shape, form or another. So, you sent a text. Now you know you don’t want to do that again. This is how we learn. Who gives a hooey what he or his mates are thinking? What matters is what you are thinking. About yourself, want you want from life and how to achieve that for yourself.
Just hop back on the NC bus with us. Lots of interesting journeys to self-awareness and discovery to be had. Hang in there, you can do this.
{{{hugs}}}
I say, don’t try to get over the feeling….wallow in it for a bit, really really let it seep in, how BAD it feels. The feeling will pass on it’s own and you will remember why NOT to contact him the next time the urge comes up.
Ah! It is some of the things I said that I am totally embarrassed over! You would think I was drunk saying all this but I was sober. Maybe I should get drunk. You know how it is when you make a mistake and say things you figure out later you should have kept to yourself, it feels like the whole world can see and knows you did it! And they’re all pointing and laughing. At least here I know I am not the only one that makes a fool of myself.
Color,
Why not delete his number?
Color, don’t be so hard on yourself! Yes, okay, you shouldn’t have messaged him – but it’s ONE message. It’s not like you showed up at his house/sent him a singing telegram/ordered him one of those creepy “sensual” gift baskets with massage oil and a feather duster. Here is an Unfortunate Message Tale that will hopefully put things in perspective and give you a giggle:
A few years ago I had a brief relationship with a guy that turned out to be a total player. In the time after things ended with him, I had…a little plastic surgery. One afternoon, I was texting back and forth with a friend on a new phone that I sucked at using. I wasn’t paying close attention and replied to a new message with “Girl, I think you’re going to love my new nose. That doctor is a genius.” Only, I hadn’t replied to my friend. I had replied to a random message from this guy that read, “Hey, it’s been a long time. How have you been?” WHOOPS. I was mortified, but I realized I didn’t care what this guy thought of me and spent the next three days recounting the story to my friends, with much laughter. See, it could have been way worse! 🙂
That is pretty horrifying, Natasha! And lucky for him, I do not have his address to mail him anything obnoxious. I’m sweating way too much over this so next time I’ll know to keep my deep feelings to myself. He doesn’t even appreciate it anyway. I have deleted his number. And any other form of communication I could have with him. I hope he didn’t print it out and show anybody. Ick.
Oh Color, it WAS haha! It’s turned into what I call a Therapeutic Story, i.e. whenever any of my friends is embarassed about something, I remind them of that one. At the end of the day, whatever these guys think of any of us is moot. I wouldn’t worry about him printing it out and showing anyone – if he did that, you know who it would reflect poorly on? Him, not you. It’s so tough in these situations to want to get things off your chest, because a lot of these guys are very goood, as Nat says, of removing your “right of reply”. It’s human and I know I’ve felt that way too!
Colororange,
It’s called a moment of weakness and everybody is allowed one of those. You are now cringing and being hard on yourself but one day you will laugh about it. It’s just one lesson.
I’ll admit I’m in the reverse category 2: I secretly hope he’ll contact me on my big days, but my pride always keeps me from breaking no contact on his big days. I hope in time I’ll stop wanting such foolish communication that would only make me feel good for a nanosecond.
Thanks for the post and stay strong everyone.
It is UNCANNY, the way these acrticles seem to be posted at JUST the right time….Its a little opposite for me tho today.
I am currently in day 20 of NC with my ex EUM/assclown. Today is Thanksgiving Monday, here in Canada. He broke no contact this morning at 11am with a text and I have been in a tizzy ever since. Now, he didnt say, Hi, have a good thanksgiving, …no. …it was a vauge,..”hi. how are you.”
Im thinking that its a little coincidental that its Thanksgiving and hes breaking No Contact. Im thinking that hes sitting in his apartment, its rainy, cold, and he maybe aware of the fact that I havent done what I usually do, and wish him a Happy Holiday. (whatever that holiday may be).
Then it ran thru my mind that maybe he was contacting me 20 days after the last time we spoke, to tell me, like he had told me he would, that if he had “found someone new that he enjoyed spending time with, he would let me know.”….I obsessed over this possibility too. Thats the one thing that would kill me. Even though I know he has a narsissistic harem of “friends”. Then I thought, after 20 days of No Contact, and my last text telling him that I needed time and space to figure things out, that letting me know if he was seeing someone new, is kinda silly, and an agreement that would have been negated by the 20 days we havent been in contact.
Then I obsessed that he hadnt used my name. No..”Hi (insert my name here). He always used the first letter of my name to say hello. always.
Then I felt sad. That maybe he was feeling lonely. If you’ve read my post here….. about our relationship, you would know that me being concerned with his lonliness is just stupid.
Move on to guilt. I felt guilty that I had already made the decision to send a strong message of boundries by remaining No Contact. I felt like a bad person, or maybe like I was being rude.
Which leads me to confused. I still want to know what its really about. Is it because hes lonely and looking to draw me back in so that he can get his ego stroke, or maybe I’ll hop back into bed with him like I always have in the past? Maybe I’ve unfairly labeled him, and hes actually just a nice guy, and he really just wants to know how im doing? Maybe hes changed?
I am seriously all of these emotions right…
HS
You’re on the CrazyTrain! This is too much thinking for “Hi, how are you” by TEXT. I don’t know what’s going on in his head. You don’t know and I don’t expect he does. But I do know he’s not a nice guy.
Keep up NC.
HeartShaped,
Hold tight. HOLD TIGHT and do not contact him. This guy is ABUSIVE. All these questions you’re asking yourself are normal. You’re not thinking a single thought that I and other women have not thought a MILLION times. The ending is the same. It’s always the same. These guys remain horrible until we decide we deserve SO MUCH BETTER and remain NO CONTACT. I read your later reply where he sent you another text in the evening (which sounds so manipulative and petty; believe me, we’ve all received some version of this text). He thought you would’ve buckled by now, and you didn’t. He’s feeling a slight (only slight) worry that he may not have you around to USE anymore. He is an AWFUL human being, and you need to see that so this can end.
Today I’m really struggling with a couple things and i wanted to know if this is common, or something that you other ladies have thought or gone through as well.
Im having a really hard time, remembering WHY hes an assclown and a EUM. Now, I know this is silly, but for some reason all I can think about is the kind words he’s said to me, the fun things we’ve done, the moments that we have spent, how he used to look in my eyes.
Now I know that these moments ended up to be few and far between after awhile, and I have more bad, dark, deep and depressive moments spent crying, and wishing, and hoping, and then acting out on those by acting crazy, texting, calling, writing letters, emails, buying things that i thought he would like, trying to change myself, haircuts I thought he would like, …just numerous things. So my first question is this…WHY am I not able to hold on to the fact that he is an AC and EUM?..I always seem to revert back to these moments we’ve shared, and cant believe that the person that I had all those moments with isnt the person he turned out to be. Even after he TOLD me when dumping me, the SECOND time in August, “I cant be in a relationship. When I’m single, all I can think of is that I’m lonely, but the second that I get into a relationship, Im reminded of all the reasons I dont want to be in one, and then I feel smothered and trapped.” I mean..he really couldnt have been any more clear.
Heres the second thing that I’m really struggling with today. Its obviously because of the texts that I recieved from him yesterday. (which I did not answer! Day 21 of NC for me!)
Im now wondering, does he even KNOW why I’m not answering him back? Does he have any idea that he has done things to hurt me and THATS why I am no longer in contact with him?…or does he just think..” wow, she’s not answering me..well, whatever, what a psycho.” Or maybe he thinks that I’m just being childish not answering his texts. or maybe he thinks Im just playing a game to see how long it takes for him to come back. (which ive never done and would never do, this No Contact thing is NOT to be played with) I’d like to think that he has some idea of his AC behaviour, as after we broke up the last time, in an effort to remain “friends” we were still talking until 21 days ago. In that time between breaking up and NC, he mentioned to me that he…
HeartShaped,
It’s very easy to forget that the person who is an AC was an AC when we start No Contact. It’s called splitting. There’s lots of reasons why we do this. One reason why we do this is so we have reasons to blame ourselves for the AC being an AC. If you can blame yourself, then you would be able to change something to make this all different. But you can’t.
He could be thinking all of these things or some combination. The thing is, you’ll never know. Even if you were to contact him right now (don’t!), the chances of getting an answer that would satisfy you or even be truthful is zero. But it doesn’t matter what the hell he is thinking. The longer you stay No Contact the less you’ll care about his loser and his thoughts about anything.
HS,
This guy has always kept you on the periphery of his life by keeping you a secret, he had no intention of ever letting you in.
The fact that he dumped you when he learned you were pregnant and failed to escort you for the abortion, is unforgivable!
This guy is a real creep, and you will be lucky if you never encounter this selfish, manipulative pig again!!!!! Please do not respond or contact him.
Hi Everyone,
I had posted here yesterday, But im just getting the hang of how these posts here work, and where they show up, and how to answer..lol..
So, day 21 of NC here, after the EUM/AC decided to throw a Happy Thanksgiving and just wanted to say hello to me yesterday.
I went thru a whole range of emotions, and they woke up with me after I had dreams about him all night, and I couldnt shake the feeling that I was falling into a pretty dark place again.
Then I went thru my list of reasons that he doesnt deserve to be in my life, with a friend. Instead of listing them out normally, my friend and I role played. My friend played himself, and I pretended to be the EUM/AC. I role played out all the different things that hes done to me thru texts. That way not only was I thinking about the craptastic things hes done, but I can SEE them and READ them. It was an eye opening experience. To see the things written down and to act them out exactley like he said and did them to me, made me think about how I could never treat another human being the way that Ive been treated. but to hear it and see as if it was someone else that all those things had happened too..was pretty incredible.
It made me feel like, what the heck was I thinking? I feel ashamed of my behaviour, the chasing, the texting, the letters and emails, the card with heartfelt words. But mostly im just amazed at all that he put me through, and he damn well knows what he was doing. ,,,
I feel better, and my eyes are open a little wider.
Cheers
HSN
I’m glad the role playing helped. Stay strong:)
Only if on friendly speaking terms would I send a wish on an occassion. Now if my x wins his $5mil lawsuit I’m gonna say something. Otherwise, when you send a card or gift, they laugh at you behind your back and tell everyone what a psycho you are.
I just wanted to add that today has been totally crazy. I didnt answer his text that came in at 11 this morning, then at 6 30 this evening he sent another one that said… “….anyways….just wanted to say hi and happy thanksgiving and i hope your ok.”
Im angry.sad.confused.feel guilty.
One of the first things I thought tho was, if your hoping im ok, why dont you pick up the phone and ask?..lazy communication because its not REALLY about wondering if im alright..is it?
I have a huge headache from all this thinking. arrrgh.
HSN
He’s fishing for attention, don’t take the bait.
He isn’t a nice guy and he hasn’t changed, he us a manipulative assclown, pure and simple.
I guarantee you he KNOWS he is messing with your mind, what he is doing is cruel. Block his texts, and don’t sit around waiting to find out whether he finds someone new or not, say good riddance to bad rubbish and move on and live your life for YOU.
Keep reading through Nat’s entire site, it will explain so much to you about his utterly shitty behavior and why it makes us feel the way we feel.
HSN
Major creep, stay away from all major forms of communications.
When you feel weak, take a walk or go to the gym, nothing like a workout and sweat to get read on the toxins this man has put in your body.
Enroll as may sponsors as you can that can keep you on the straight – safe – empowered and sane.
Then take a look at this site to learn how manipulators like him operates but most of all learn about yourself and the triggers that made his behavior towards you possible.
Put the power back in your camp.
Best wishes and TLC
Thank you Natalie. This is a timely post as the holiday season (in the US) is approaching giving exes everywhere an excuse to crawl out of the woodwork. Fortunately, I think I’ve got all the exes blocked so unless they pull a sneaky sneaky, it should be okay. As I just responded to HeartShapedNoose who recieved a Thanksgiving text from her ex-AC, for me with the ex MM, getting a Happy Whatever Day message is like being a heroine addict and finding a needle on the counter. I now realize his Happy Curry Day message is code for “have you come to your senses woman, I need an ego stroke and a shag”.
Darn, there’s no brownie points for being a doormat? I’m sure it would have bought me an extra decade or two.
Did you write this for me? Lol! Today is his birthday, but last week I said goodbye. I’ve wrestled with myself off and on today on the idea of sending him a birthday greeting.
Ultimately, we cannot go back in time and I simply need to move on to what is best for me. I’m sure he will do the same. Thanks for being there providing the reality check I need.
Before I even knew what BR and NC was I had gone black with an EUM just out of plain instinct. I had been NC for at least 5-6 mos and then came his Bday. I used it as an excuse to call, I thought I would be nice but really.. I wanted to get in touch to see if he had seen the light, missed me enough to give me what I wanted. He missed me all right, started up right again where everything stopped and another year later I was right back in the same old “why me, what’s wrong with me” spot I was before. What a waste of time. So last Bday, there was no call from me… not a peep. Taking off the rose colored glasses means I also saw my tricks for what they were as well, not just his. It was me who rang the doorbell, and then whined about it when he let me in for a visit. Duh!!
I’ve always deleted my exes numbers. So doing this doesn’t even come into my mind. Why waste my time on someone who treated me like shit?
Fedup, I love how you condensed what I was trying to say in several paragraphs into one sentence haha! I don’t save numbers either – if they treated me badly, why in the name of all that is sacred would I need to get in touch with them?
I wish my ex would go ahead and delete MY number! It’s funny, because he acted like I was some kind of loon when I told him to get lost. It’s like, “If you were ‘kinda freaked out’ (yes actual quote) when I told you to ‘lose my number’ (again, actual quote…terrifying, no?), why, oh why do you still continue to call it?” These guys don’t deserve space in our contacts file.
AB.SO.LUTE.LY.
Can I get a witness?
LOL Amen!
I have absolutely NO intention of sending my ex a birthday card or any other type of greeting card, and I am pretty sure that he has no intention of sending me one either. I don’t hate him or wish him any ill will, but if I our paths never crossed again, I would be totally fine with that. People come into our lives for a reason and a season. We need to realize that when that season ends, it’s time to let them go and move forward. Instead, I’d rather spend my time and energy visualizing the kind of man and the kind of relationship that will be good to me and good for me.
“People come into our lives for a reason and a season. We need to realize that when that season ends, it’s time to let them go and move forward”
AMEN, Gina! I was JUST thinking that! If I had never met my exEUM, I wouldn’t have learn important lessons about self-esteem,letting go and moving on.
This was a tricky one for me the last years, given that my assclown is the father of my 21 month old daughter. During her first year of life (2010) he INSISTED that he had to be there for her 1st everything. He wanted to be there for Easter, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and even suggested that he should spend New Years with ‘us’ because it was her first. I said to him, she’ll be 1 year old, and won’t be awake at midnight! Hardly a thing he needs to be at my home for!
My ex’s birthday was actually this past Saturday and no, I did not send him any sort of greeting or card or anything.
I guess I should be proud of the fact that I didn’t. I knew it would seem pathetic since he cut me off with no word over 2 mos ago and has already moved on.
Good for you! My ex cut me off that way too and I still tried to wish him happy birthday. It resulted in no good at all. You handled it well!!
Honestly, I would have been offended if the ex had sent birthday greetings, and would have questioned his motives. It never occurred to me to acknowledge his birthday, although if I’d been trying to get him back, it could have been seen as an opening.
I’ve also had an ex thatdid this too. But in the endit was only cozhe wanted a shag. He wasn’t even genuinely concerned about me. It was extremely annoying and completely tacky thing to do.
The exAC’s birthday went by recently and I was very aware of how I’d spent that day the year before, doing everything I could to make it special for him and him behaving like a spoiled eight-year-old who simply expected the stuff he expected (all my input, to which he said dutiful thankyous) and went about getting his friends to make him a last-minute dinner that he would show up four hours late for (by which time many of said friends had to then go right home). He got tons of calls from ex-gf’s that day, and as things weren’t going well between us, I felt he took every opportunity to gush and giggle intimately in front of me with each female wellwisher. This year, though I was very aware that it was his day, I had absolutely no desire to be one of the parade of women, ex’s and wannabes, that contacted him while he’s with a new gf.
He contacted me for my bday, for Thanksgiving, for American thanksgiving, for an anniversary, etc. and EACH time I felt the familiar feeling of wow, look how this seems like he’s being nice, when he’s really just turning the knife and hoping I’ll respond, tell him that he’s a nice guy and all is forgotten and we’re friends. My gut told me how much his bday and special occasion emails had to do with caring about me: zilch.
Another ex contacted me on my birthday to “share” the happy news that he and his gf were expecting a child (I have always wanted to have kids within a healthy relationship; he knew this). I was at work; I went to the bathroom and wept. Happy f*in birthday from him, huh.
Oh Magnolia, I know how you feel.
“when he’s really just turning the knife and hoping I’ll respond, tell him that he’s a nice guy and all is forgotten and we’re friends.” – great observation.
Also I had another ex who did something similar by contacting me on my birthday to tell me something similar to your ex and his pregnant girlfriend. You are so much better than that. He sounds really attention seeking.
“Another ex contacted me on my birthday to “share” the happy news that he and his gf were expecting a child”
Outrageous! I sometimes what planet these guys come from.
Planet reject.
Lavender
“Planet Reject”(lmao) is not in my galaxy 😉
thanks for making me laugh
So, when is National Curry Week?
Here in the US, October is National Domestic Violence Awareness month. (I called a web site client this morning, and mentioned I had only become aware of the designation of October; she volunteered to come over and kick my *** to heighten my awareness; I declined.) What kind of card would be appropriate to send in October?
Seriously, gifts, in nearly all cultures, are part of an exchange, a barter or conversation from one to another and back. If you give a gift — a greeting, a card, a fancy yacht — and get nothing substantive back, then you are trying to talk to a brick wall. You won’t inconvenience the brick wall, and you really cannot blame the brick wall for being what it is. Brick walls just don’t talk back, respond to healthy social interactions. Brick walls just don’t need that much, maybe slapped with a paint brush or a good sandblasting now and then, or maybe have the broken mortar and bricks picked out and replaced with unbroken bricks and fresh mortar. But gifting or talking to a brick wall is a very bad practice. You don’t learn from the wall, and you don’t learn from yourself, either.
And that is the point. You converse with people that recognize and respect you, and you grow from the energy and information, from the exercise of exchanging thoughts and plans and likes and dislikes.
You don’t gain a cigar smoker’s good regards by gifting him/her with a carton of menthol cigarettes. You don’t enrich the life of a cat owner by gifting with a large dog toy. And when someone is emotionally unavailable, your gift is not going to make them re-think being available with you.
But, please, let’s get back to the handwritten notes and good wishes. Texting is so easily abused, and makes it easy to abuse relationships. Phoning can slip into unwelcome stuff so easily. A handwritten note shows you spent time and effort on the message, and you get the chance to re-read it before it gets published to the world. And a handwritten not is tougher for him to blast to all his friends.
@Brad-saving your post on my phone….
my favorite part:
“You converse with people that recognize and respect you, and you grow from the energy and information, from the exercise of exchanging thoughts and plans and likes and dislikes.”
Natalie, you really shine the light on every trick & dark corner, don’t you? That is what makes the difference here. When there are no more tricks & no more denial. The “occasion contact” is just him ringing the doorbell to see if I am DTF. And me opening the door to see if he is finally Down To Engage. If I’m the one to reach out then just reverse. I know in the past I’ve given meaning to this kind of contact as “oh look, he cares!” But I’ve learned that every contact from him is just doorbell ringing to see if I’m DTF. I feel/felt very distraught when I really realized this, but I keep telling myself that I made a mistake (or two) and I extricated myself when I realized it. It’s the best I can do for now. I’m so glad this post came up since his birthday is coming up. And now I have a plan (from the last post) if he rings my bell again-don’t answer.
Hi Brad
Good to see you back.
Yes, texting IS so easily abused. I hate to see women tie themselves in knots (not least because I’ve done it myself) over a text that takes less than a minute to send and costs nothing.
^^Brad K.
“You converse with people that recognize and respect you, and you grow from the energy and information, from the exercise of exchanging thoughts and plans and likes and dislikes.”
HELLOOOO!! I place people into two categories: Category #1: people who can add something positive to my life, and Category #2: people who cannot. I only allow people into my life from Category #1. If it turns out that they did a bait and switch, and ended up in Category #2, I kick ’em to the curb, slam the door behind me, and lock it.
My late mother used to say, “People can only treat you according to how you let them.” So, if someone is treating you poorly, it’s not their fault; it’s yours for allowing them to do it in the first place.
You know, Nat, I have discovered that sometimes the best therapy with myself is to go (mentally) hugely in the opposite direction. I think to myself, ‘But why stop at birthdays? Where do you draw the line – birthday card? Christmas card? Easter card? his wedding anniversary card? anniversary of his mother’s death card?’
And this is a good mental exercise for those of you who get tempted: why not send them a card for … er … anything? I live in Australia, so here’s a handy website that will equip you with about 365 reasons to contact your ex (which is secretly what you want to do).
I’m sure there must be many equivalent websites for other countries, especially the US, where every day is Something Day.
So if you feel stupid looking at a site like this and thinking about it, have a laugh at yourself and resolve that you will spend 365 days NOT sending them a card.
PJM:
YES!!! I love it. Good shit. 😉
This is such a good post. I was into three months of no contact and feeling great and then around came my ex’s birthday and I worried for the whole week about what to do. I finally sent him an email to say happy birthday and he didn’t respond. Nat is right. I wanted some validation. Also I had a huge milestone birthday several months before and he didn’t bother to wish me happy birthday and never had in the past either when we were friends and then when we were together.
Anyway, after I wished him happy birthday suddenly I started contacting him again trying to get back together. It completely ruined my no contact and my resolve. I wish I had never contacted him at all. Now I am again at three months no contact and feeling good. Unless you are genuinely friends, I wouldn’t contact him for his birthday. So Nat is so right. It did though remind me of what kind of a person he is.
From the opposite perspective, when I was much younger I once broke up with someone who kept trying to get back with me and then two months after we broke up it was my birthday. He then told me he wanted to speak to me in private and so I met him and he gave me this really expensive piece of jewellery, all of these cards and stuffed bears etc and said he wanted me to have these, cause he always intended to give them to me. It was very sweet, but it made me feel really really awkward and I didn’t know what to do. He obviously wanted to get back together and when I said no, he then said: “I can’t buy you any more things to prove how much I love you.” That made me think woah. I never wanted you to buy me anything (he never had before) and why do you think that things would make me love you.
I didn’t need this per se, as I had already made my resolve not to send him any text for his b-day in 10 days but boy, isn’t your timing perfect ! And it does remain me that we are not and should not be friends, ever.
I’ve been No Contact for four weeks now, up until now I was doing NC just to set some boundaries but with the hope of it being the trigger for him. We basically had broken up four months ago, because he had commitment issues, and the word was “we need this time apart to sort ourselves out, this is like a test for our relationship.” We saw each other a few times in June/July and honestly it was the best dates we ever had ! Relaxed, funny, there was even some kissing… but no talk. I asked him one time to come clear about how far he had got with sorting himself out but got a “I don’t have the courage nor the time to talk about it, but we can meet up on Thursday if you want, yadda yadda…”
Fast forward to August where I see him for the last time, sleep on the couch… and then join him in his bedroom in the morning. (I KNOW ! … but surely a small stolen moment wouldn’t change a thing ? I was deluded.)
After what I thought was a really sweet & tender & awesome moment, I only got two messages (VERY lazy communication) so I tell myself, ok girl, this was apparently over already, get yourself sorted and start NC. But I needed closure, so I sent him an email about how after those two years I had finally gained some backbone and was able to be considerate of his issues (which are real, hard family history on his part) without accepting his attitude and ambiguity toward me any more. No longer waiting for you mate, hope for you that you get yourself sorted, but I’m moving on myself.
In short : he answered that he had no idea which ambiguity I was talking about, he had not asked me to join him in his bed that day. He didn’t understand my silence either and after all HE was the one who sent those littles messages to “poke” me and get some news ! And he has been with someone for a month now, things were going great and still he was considerate enough to get in touch !
The insanity is now over, thank you very much. This was my first love, I blame it all on inexperience… But your website REALLY helped me Nat ! I recently turned 22 and feel like the whole story (and your website) helped me into adulthood. I’m my own woman now. Thank you !
Ha, National Curry Week is real! I googled it, as I hadn’t heard of it before! It would be like me, or my former BR self, to use that as a way in; “Happy Curry, Honey! Let’s take that trip to India we’ve always talked about”. Yup, that would be a stretch.
October is also Breast Cancer Awareness Month in the States. One could always send a card; “Hey, let’s celebrate my boobies!”
‘His’ birthday is in a few weeks. So, yes, this topic has been on my mind. A wee bit. *Ahem* Actually, my thoughts around the possibility of sending him a handwritten card were that I would do so anonymously. Have a friend in Canada mail it for me so he wouldn’t even guess it could be from me. I have no desire to open Pandora’s box, or re-play the explanation game. Not because he’s an AC. I hope for more healing before I can even entertain the thought of even possibly renewing our friendship. I want to send him good thoughts, coupled with experiencing the delight of opening a card straight out of the mailbox. He deserves some kindness too.
Let him guess it’s a dozen or so other people. I’m fine with that. As CC eloquently pointed out, “taking off the rose colored glasses means I also saw my tricks for what they were as well, not just his.” He wasn’t the only one with communication, self-esteem, and EU issues. My now almost 4 months NC (whoa…who’dah thunk?) has made me painfully aware of my culpability as well. Sending an anonymous card gives me the feeling of doing something nice, albeit small, and he gets to enjoy the good feelings & thoughts, sans conditions and expectations.
However, I vacillate around this….I’m still not sure. I’ll see how I feel in a few weeks. I may continue with full throttle air tight NC.
OK, let me have it…….lol!
Ok, I’m going to respond to my own post…ha! I don’t think it would be a good idea. I don’t want him to think for even a moment that it could have been me, and that I was thinking of him. Even though I clearly am. But he doesn’t have to know that, even if it’s a guess.
I’m thinking I shouldn’t post in the wee hours of the morn…..
I know why you want to, but I really wouldn’t. It doesn’t sound at all like a good idea. He might also find it a little weird, not knowing who it’s from. If he ever found out wouldn’t it be strange if he knew you went to the trouble of sending him this card from Canada?
Thanks Lavender, you’re right, it’s *not* a good idea at all! Crazy midnight thought ramblings!
No, knowing him for as long as I have, no, he wouldn’t think it was weird, and he definitely would be tickled if he found out. Without elaborating on our history, he would appreciate the element of surprise and ‘treasure hunty’ aspect of it, not think it strange at all. We’re both a bit eclectic. He would dig it. But it’s not going to happen!
Mango
Hope you are feeling better in the cold light of day. I used to have similar thoughts. These thoughts are bonkers, don’t act on them!
Grace, I always look forward to your comments. So wise.
Yes, thank you, I am feeling more lucid and clear of thought. These thoughts *are* bonkers! Good grief. It is a bit embarrassing, albeit humble, to share the crazy ramblings of my overactive brain. Though, I’m glad to have shared; it somehow makes the absurdity of the whole idea more clear to have gotten out of my head, into the fresh air, and spilled onto the pages here.
Mango, I think you should consider writing for a living if you don’t do so already…glad you are doing well…thinking is one thing…acting on the thoughts another…keep on going girlfriend!
Hey Leisha, gosh, what a nice supportive message to awaken to. Writing, eh? Hmmm….. something to think about.
Thanks for the support on both accounts! Wishing you well on your journey as well.
I know that every single time I sent a card, texted an ex for a birthday or special occasion I wanted a response and I wanted that response to be either’ God I ‘m missing you…lets see each other again and /or’ This woman I ‘m with now isn’t a patch on you…why did I let you go?’.
In short I wanted reaffirmation of some sort, an ego boost or a return to the relationship. It wasn’t about being a good person, it was about getting something back to restore my own sense of self esteem. I have sent cards to guys who didn’t expect to hear from me again because I was desperate for a response.
This hasn’t been my behaviour for some time now but I still remember the cringing feeling of waiting for them to call, perhaps to thank you, perhaps to ask you out again, sometimes just to hear their voice…and afterwards how low it made me feel, especially if the response was’ Oh I wasn’t expecting that’. Its a clear sign that they have moved on and you have not. Its like wallowing in self pity mud, all over again.
Distance means no contact….. verbal ,written text, facebookchecking addiction,creeping round where they drink,work and sending them birthday greetings is not ‘no contact.’ You split for reason, on their birthday if you do anything, remember why you split and move on.
Thanks, Lynda From L. This reminded me of something.
Well after my longest relationship ended (the college ex, 3.5 years) – I think a few years after, actually – his grandfather died. His sister still kept in touch, even though I DID try to get rid of her after a while because it was still a bit raw even after that length of time. So she’s the one who told me that their grandfather died.
Even though my mother & I don’t speak, 1 good thing that she taught me was to be there for people in their time of need. Therefore, if a friend experiences anything bad like a death, I go above & beyond. I WILL admit, however, that a small part of me hoped that the ex would notice and maybe reach out. (It really WAS a small part, but a part nonetheless.) So I ordered a flower bouquet and addressed it to his father, since it was his father’s father who died. The ex’s parents liked me and despite the break-up, if they saw me, they were always nice to me. So I figured that it wouldn’t hurt to send the bouquet.
Well, to hell with me because no one in the family responded. No “thank you”, no “leave me alone”, not even a “f*** you”. While I sent the bouquet with good intentions, that small part of me hoped that the ex & his family would appreciate it. I was disappointed. Looking back now, and reading this entry, I can see that I crossed a boundary that the ex may not have wanted me to cross even though his sister still kept in touch with me. I doubt that it made me look pathetic because he knew about my character when it comes to being there for people, but it may have annoyed him.
That was the first & LAST time that I did something like that.
I’ve had ex-boyfriends, and former guys that I used to talk to, send “happy birthday” or “happy (insert holiday here)” texts or e-mails and it annoyed the shit out of me. Either way, whether it was me giving a greeting or vice versa, it’s an absolute No-No.
Getting back to you Spinster, yeah, I ‘ve done the same, thinking well it’s a bereavement etc and told myself it was manners to do ‘something’…What I was meaning is that often we are ‘self talking’ the deluded talk that being a nice person will make him notice/like us again. This is particularly true, in my opinion, (and experience) if the guy is an AC…there is every chance that he sees the card etc as an invitation to have sex with you again, pick up for a while,visit you in your life and the card symbolises ‘open door’ or at least door ‘ajar’…
I have worked very hard over last year or two to be in the position where I just don’t care whether an AC or my former EUM see me as a good woman or not.Sending a card to these men is just not on my radar anymore, but its taken a lot of me admitting to myself why I needed to continue to be noticed by them in the first place.
“…its taken a lot of me admitting to myself why I needed to continue to be noticed by them in the first place.”
Absolutely. So thank you for your comment, otherwise I wouldn’t have realized what I’d done that long ago. 🙂
Depends who it is I suppose.
I wouldn’t give my first ex-the-control-freak or the ex-non-relationship-N a birthday text, message or card. Both are NC.
Weirdly the ex-N wrote me a Birthday greeting on a public forum where we met, only to remove it days later. WTF? – that was a good starting place for my NC.
I would in my sh*te send my ex any kind of indication that I’ve been thinking of him on any of his special occasions … I don’t recall ever receiving a ‘good luck’ call/text/Facebook before things that were important to me IN the relationship like my exams so why the hell should I bother considering him OUT of the relationship. His ego is out of control … overly, overly inflated (what a disgusting personality trait, vomit) and I do not desire to further contribute to it by pumping him up with any of my time or attention.
Personally I’d rather spend my time paying attention to how I am going to improve and rebuild myself so I can find love, care, trust and RESPECT for myself. Then I will see about finding someone who will have love, care, trust and respect for me although finding a man is not a priority for me right now.
Stick a pin in those Goodyear blimp sized egos of theirs girls (and guys) and send those well wishes to YOURSELVES. Sod them. x
🙂
I will also add that I would place any moneyd bet that he doesn’t even know what date my birthday is too. 😉
Tya I really hate it when they pull that sort of bullshit. Any lame excuse they can find. But somehow they can manage to pull it together to start seeing someone else. I always think what makes the next woman so darn special/different? I have been thinking alot about this lately.
They also have no ounce of remorse either about it.
@Fedup
Remorse requires being in touch with ones feelings & being in tune with other’s feelings (empathy). Emotionally unavailable people are not in touch & don’t want to be. That’s why they just move on. It really sucks, I know. But as we get in touch with ourselves & work ourselves out, we recognize we don’t want people who are not “all in” & we recognize when they are not, much quicker. It takes time, but it will be better. 🙂
Wow !! ! Eternal Summer you hit the nail on the head. Remorse/empathy is exactly what my bipolar EU ex lacks. So moving on is easy….
“Remorse requires being in touch with ones feelings & being in tune with other’s feelings (empathy). Emotionally unavailable people are not in touch & don’t want to be. That’s why they just move on.”
Spot on. I found this quite helpful in coming terms with yet another layer of my understanding . Thank you.
Fedup
Do you ever watch Judge Judy – it’s a lesson in assclownery. in front of millions of viewers, men (and women) will defend the most awful actions. They just don’t get it!
One woman was being sued because her dog climbed onto her neighbour’s car and scratched it up. She said it was the car owner’s fault for parking there. It was racoons. It was cats. It wasn’t her dog. The neighbour was lying. The neighbour’s witness was lying. If people won’t own up to something so trivial, the chances of them admitting to some of the dreadful behaviour we read about here are very small. Yes, exceptionally people change, but it’s a long wait and long odds. And should that day come, they won’t want to face up to us anyway – they’d rather just put it behind them and move on. We’ve better things to do with our precious time and energy waiting for the snowball’s chance in hell.
I love Judge Judy! There was one episode where the is girl, I think she was only around 19 years old, had co-signed a car loan for her skeezy boyfriend after only knowing him for a month. The girl’s mother was in court with her and Judy said to her, “Do you know your daughter is an idiot?” and the mother answered, “Yes.” The funniest was her take on the boyfriend, when she said, “You dated for how long? One month? He wouldn’t entertain me for a minute.” Every episode is gold.
My favorite Assclown Show is The Millionaire Matchmaker. For serious. Sometimes, though, you have to look away while you’re watching. And cringe. Repeatedly. It’s totally worth it though!
Just remembered another one, then I’m done cluttering up this entry.
After I cut off the on-and-off-again guy from high school almost 4 years ago (the one with the 11 year relationship), a (now ex-) friend called my phone and left urgent messages, stating that the guy’s father had a heart attack. I was furious because I had a feeling that she was trying to get us back “together”. She always sides with men when it comes to stuff like this so it’s not surprising. Stupid b****. 😐 Anyway, it infuriated me to the point that I called a good friend, told him the situation, and asked his opinion. He said to leave it alone, don’t call either of them back.
Thank goodness that I listened because I later found out from an acquaintance, who kept in touch with the ass-wipe for some reason (and probably still does), that his father never had a heart attack. His father only had minor eye surgery, and he told the acquaintance that he didn’t know why the (now ex-) friend lied (yeah right). So either he or the (now ex-) friend or both of them were playing games. I’m glad that I listened to the good friend.
As I type this, it reads SO much like some high school drama, but these are adults. I hate people sometimes, I swear.
Moral of the story: even if it’s a special occasion/holiday, even if it’s a matter of life & death, stick to No Contact.
The only thing that my particular AC should get for his bday or any holiday is a serious dose of karma. “The karma bus is coming and some folks need to get on board”!
MORNING EVERYONE!
I’D LIKE TO DEDICATE THIS SONG BY ALICIA KEYS ENTITLED, “A WOMAN’S WORTH,” TO ALL OF THE WONDERFUL LADIES AND MEN ON BR WHO HAVE HAD THEIR HEARTS BROKEN BY ACs, FFs, and EUMs. DO YOU KNOW YOUR WORTH?? IF YOU DO, THEN YOU WON’T TOLERATE BEING MISTREATED.
ENJOY!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K0rub5nOfII
Thank you for that wonderful clear guideline.
Recently I have been a witness to a friend’s obsession about a particular man who told her up front his disinterest. She didn’t heed the information. The usual drama with its entire ugly heads unfolded. It was sad to watch as my friend in so in denial that at present you can’t talk any sense into her.
Against my intuitive recommendation of NOT sending a greeting card to the upcoming birthday of him was discarded and she send him a card as she rationalised that “at least one of us has to show that we are GROWN UPS and CIVILISED”.
Of course the card was not received that way.
It was sad to watch. The inappropriateness was highlighted by the fact that said man had given a shared birthday party with some friend who happened to have birthday at the same time and she was OFFICIALLY FORBIDDEN to come to their party in order to prevent her smashing the event.
We can’t speed up other people’s processes or our own. Watching her I had mixed feelings. On one hand I was so glad and grateful that Nathalie’s guideline speaks so clear to me now that I happily agree with her viewpoint with the often here mentioned “SPOT ON”. It’s a major improvement on my part as I tried to seize every opportunity when I was in the place of total denial and obsession about a particular man in my life whom I proclaimed to be “The One” who gave a shit about me.
I remember that awful day of 09/11 when I sat in front of the television and my “man” happened to just be in NY and could have been theoretically there in the midst of the catastrophe. It gave me all the false pretence of caring “just making sure that nothing had happened to him and he was safe.” Fortunately I had no address. So I couldn’t follow through with my obsessed thoughts and just wrote those texts in my mind. But given any contact details I surely would have texted to him under that pretence just to seize a golden opportunity to enforce contact not realizing how inappropriate the whole thing would have been.
Seeing my friend struggling reminds me of where I have been, were to I fortunately could progress and that I am able to reach out but at the same time know when to respectfully hold my knowledge back in order to let people experience their rounds of repetition to hopefully and finally “get it” in their own time and pace.
I knew all this but it’s nice to hear it from someone else. I spent ages wondering if I should just write on his FB wall to wish him a happy birthday. I did, he didn’t acknowledge it and then I got upset when he didn’t wish me a happy birthday a month later. At the time I thought I wanted to just be nice to a friend who I used to date but now I know I was just trying to get him to notice me and maybe think, ‘Oh yeah, Cat wished me a happy birthday. I really miss her. I should get in touch now she’s constantly on my mind after reading her message.’ Doh….
I think receiving gifts and giving gifts really means something. I know I spend time, effort as well as hard earned cash to choose the right thing. I really wouldn’t do that for someone who had not treated me well and I won’t ever contact one ex again on his birthday or any other significant day because actually I don’t like him. Wouldn’t that just be lying but with actions! It’s just not authentic at all! I like people I don’t even know more than him..so should I send gifts to random strangers!! lol
If you have to expend energy wondering whether a card, greeting or gift should be sent then don’t send it. Genuine friendships do not have all that angst, you just send the card, call or whatever, knowing that you have good intensions and that your motives will be well thought of. The same goes for calling someone..if you have to agonise over it then don’t do it. A card is just a card..a call is just a call. I bet non of us on here worry about sending a card to our mothers, grandfathers or girlfriends. Anxiety means there is something no right with the situation! Abort!
I am starting to think that the more energy you expend thinking about it, the more likley it is that it is not going to be a good move…I do think that some people contact you from your past on your birthday to try to look like the good guy/girl. You really don’t have to give a stuff about someone from your past that disrespected you. You don’t have to take the call from them and you don’t have to send them a card and validate them and aloow them to use your energy to feel they are a great person. More than that, its okay to own your own feelings. I don’t like my ex. He’s not a good guy. He was bad for me. I want him permanantly out of my life and his birthday etc is utterly unimportant!
oh Natalie, Natalie… uncanny timing! if only this post came out ONE DAY earlier — literally. it’s funny too, that my first love (first EU A**clown) and the latest EU/AC have that same damn birthday. Oct 9, I should have known! 25+ years later, still going for that type, the ACwolf in “nice guy”sheep’s clothing. (I love wolves, shouldn’t insult them by comparing with AC’s!)
I was away on a much needed vacation out West for 2 weeks, it did wonders for my soul. first time I’ve gotten away in a year & half. just got back. there have been drips & drops of Contact the last 2 months, after 6+ months of solid NC. I keep thinking I’m past it — but the reality is, I’m not. He called while I was away, got caught off guard again. luckily my cel died after minute. he was “just checking” if I’d received the package of stuff he returned (after more than A YEAR… which I had to ask for a dozen times). I did receive the package. in it was a DVD with pictures from our trip to London (which he also waited to send for more than a year). I look like a blissed out, crazy-in-love honeymooner. I can’t figure out what I think of him in the photos, knowing that just 2 months later he pulled the rug out overnight, and has been a King A**clown ever since. I’m glad I have them, so at least I have some proof that it wasn’t in my head, I wasn’t crazy for believing his FF sales pitch for a year. maybe someday I’ll look at them and not give a s*** anymore.
but of course, it brought up “feelings”. and it was his birthday. so, I sent a tiny “hbd” msg. Why? because while I was away, I was basically on an internet fast, and didn’t read Baggage Reclaim every day. big mistake.
as usual, you are 100% correct about everything in this post. the “brownie points” theory is genius. yes, I am in category #2, bc we’re not above board friends, and this ping-pong game of “Hey! Look at me I’m still here!” has been going on for almost a year & half. I understand it on my end — but what the hell is going on with him?
btw, I don’t know how I missed this brilliant post, it was in the related links the other day: https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/are-you-trying-to-control-the-uncontrollable-linking-yourself-to-the-am-i-good-enough-today-index/
the graphic is hilarious! omg, what would I do without this site?
Before I went completely NC with my abusive parents, I forgot their B-days, several times in a row. Every time, they got very angry, and I felt guilty.
Now I think what happend was completely natural. If you’re trying to forget the trauma somebody else caused you and move on, it’s just natural to forget that person’s birthday as well. How can you truly move on, if you try to remember those dates or keep them in your calendar? It’s not just one day each year. Usually, we start worrying about B-day greetings weeks in advance. Afterwards, we wait for a reaction (in hope or fear).
Of course, most of us have been raised to be “good girls”, and good girls never, ever forget anybody’s B-day. But sometimes, loving ourselves simply means acting like a “bad girl”.
My current state with EUM is, I want him to text me so I can ignore him like he has done to me on occasion. I can block his # on my phone since I have that service, but right now, I would really like him to experience just a tiny bit what I have felt 🙁
I know that sounds crappy, but there were so many times when things were ok with us & I would text him & I got crickets-FOR NO REASON 🙁
I just wanted to admit that here since maybe some of you have felt this. I do think this is a better place than actually WANTING to still engage with him and looking for “occasions” to use as an opportunity to reach out 🙁
Eternal Summer:
If it’s any consolation I have felt this on many an occasion. All the birthdays the exMM ignored – only to tell me last October prior to my going fully NC that he knew exactly when my birthday was. I wanted to slap his face
There are times I would love to get one text or an email so I can utterly and completely ignore his sorry arse and revel in the fact that I have given him a piece of his own medicine.
But you know what? That feeling is fleeting because the real way to get back is getting on board with ourselves. They get left behind stuck in their whatever land full of living a life in a less than complete way and we go on to fill our lives with happiness.
Even if we ignored their texts and emails and that made us feel good for about ten minutes they wouldn’t give a rats arse about it – and maybe they will try again or maybe not. The point is – screw them they are worthless!
Eternal, I can only speak for myself (I’m sure others would agree) in that I have experienced that too. Wanting them to feel the hurt/anguish/pain/fill in the blank with whatever emotion, that you’ve felt is common among us.
Eternal,
“My current state with EUM is, I want him to text me so I can ignore him like he has done to me on occasion”
I feel just the same about this at the moment, and I think it’s a very understandable and normal “half-way house” stage in our recovery. I definitely feel like I’m in a bit of a “twilight zone” right now where his spell over me is fast waning and has all but lost its power, but a pale shadow of it is still hanging around as I adjust to a new way of thinking and being. Anyway, I think it’s partly a tiny vestige of validation-seeking habits and partly a very human indignance on your own behalf that the person who hurt you shouldn’t be allowed to get off apparently scot-free. And that’s actually really heartening, because it means you have very definitely started to feel protective of yourself and to recognise that his behaviour towards you was out of order.
Keep going with the NC, and continue building a good strong relationship with yourself!
I went through that stage too Eternal Summer. My ex begged for another chance and then dropped me like a hot rock, so I totally get what you’re saying. You want to be like, “How’s it feel?!” I haven’t blocked mine because my provider charges a monthly fee to do so and, as silly as it sounds, the idea of spending hard-earned money on anything connected with him pisses me off. I had a really hard time when I got real about why he would get in touch with me – it’s hurtful and it sucks, but it makes it all the more easier to HOPE that he leaves you alone. You’ll ignore it, you’ll get mad, and then you’ll learn to deal – I promise!
Ok, so it was my bday last week and the ex offered to take me to dinner “if I wanted” (gotta love the vagueness-you know since he doesn’t know what he wants). Durrrr, I let him and wound up having an Okay time w uninteresting conversation and another evening w no sex. Hmmmm and I miss this because……(yea, I can’t come w anything either.) Regardless of my falls, im standing up straighter than ever and putting one foot in front of the other to move forward instead of whailing like a toddler waiting for someone to pick me up to carry me someplace im not even sure I want to be. Im working on the.flush, but thanks Nat and everyone here for giving me the “click” of the lightswitch. Im not in despair….im actually finding letting go so freeing. Ty, ty, ty.
Meant to put my comment (Amy) under agirliknow – whatever. Lol I guess it really doesnt matter s bit.
Yup this was me week before last.. flip flopping back and forth about whether I should send the ex a bday text. I wouldn’t have even considered it if I hadn’t just seen him for the first time in 2 1/2 months. I felt like we had cleared the air, got rid of the negative energy, and I wanted to do the “polite” thing. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized I didn’t want to open the door to him thinking I was willing to be friends. Because I’m not. I could never handle being his support system again, but this time without even monogamy to back it up! It would be a repeat of when I saw him and his constant going on about whatever it is he’s obsessed about at the moment. It’s just too much!! I don’t want to play that role again. My therapist asked me last week if I would ever get back together with him and I told her I thought I would – way down the line – if he really showed me he had changed. But here’s the thing.. core personality DOES NOT CHANGE. Even if he learned to be more tolerant and speak nicer, he’d still be him – in all of his self indulgent obsessive glory. Do I really want to lose myself in that again? No.. I really don’t. Part of me wishes I hadn’t seen him since it brought up so many emotions, but since I haven’t been open enough to feeling them, part of me is glad I did because now I can really deal with the grief of losing the best parts of the relationship. It’s so much easier to think “I don’t want to feel that, so I’m not going to” but I can’t truly move forward until I feel everyone of them.
I’m not sure if this applies to my situation: I was friends with a girl I work with (nothing romantic) who I felt treated me poorly, so I ended the friendship. 6 months later I heard she got engaged to her BF & bought her first house. I still cared about her & didn’t want hard feelings between us, so I left her a congratulations card wishing her the best. She did thank me for it–& there’s been a little less tension since–but mostly I did to take the high road & be “The Good Guy.” Was I wrong?
I think sometimes we can have a harder time breaking up with friends than romantic interests. It sounds more like you sent the card out of some residual feelings of guilt, than anything else.
You don’t say much in your post about the nature of the friendship. It may not have been romantic, but were there feelings on either end that leaned that way?
Not saying you were “wrong”, just wondering why you want to open the door on a closed friendship?
It sure sounds like you just needed to be viewed as a good or nice guy because otherwise why would you bother if she treated you poorly? As you have read in the comments, many of us have the same issue though. It’s not a matter of right or wrong, but of treating yourself with the respect you deserve. And not trying to “play nice” with someone who didn’t.
Guysview
It’s not really about right and wrong, it’s more to do with what’s best for your future sanity, and not having any ulterior motives – as you’d only be disappointed.
It doesn’t sound like there was any harm done. But it may be a good time to evaluate how you want this to play out. If you’re going to be friends, there’s the wedding to deal with. It may be better to keep it to cordial work relations, sign the work wedding card. contribute to the gift but nothing personal.
She treated you badly, you’ve held out the olive branch. She’s accepted. I personally wouldn’t take it any further. And certainly not give her the opportunity to mistreat you again!
Thank you all for your comments. I guess it all came down to how I felt about ME. It seemed like the right thing to do, & holding a grudge in that situation just didn’t feel good. But I still have resentments from her busting my bounderies, so I keep my guard up.
Natalie’s blogs have been helping me with my self-esteem issues from friendships, work- & social relationships; but since they’re usually aimed at women-with-assclown-exes, I’m not always sure how to apply them to myself.
Guysview: there isn’t much difference. Same goes for LGBTQ folks – they can insert someone of the same sex etc. into the assclown box. Just insert a woman into your assclown box and there you have it. 😉
This post is definitely timely. Thanks, Nat. Tomorrow is the birthday of the biggest EUM of my life. Two years ago, before BR, I broke a 6-month of NC by sending him a happy birthday message and stated that we could be friends again. I wasn’t aware at the time, but I’m sure my intention was somehwere between “hey, notice me again” and “give me more crumbs, even if just in the form of friendship”….Little did I know, it was the start of another 1.5 years of going back and forth, with increasing pain everytime… Well, now, 2 years later, there is no way I would send that happy birthday message again. Thanks to BR, and many other things that I’ve done for myself in the past 7 months of NC, to get out of the rut. For the first time, I don’t feel bad at all for not wishing him a happy birthday. Nat is right, it is not my birthday nor any important day to my life. He’s out of my life for good!
Natalie..ive never left any comment on this wonderfull site before but felt compelled to do so.im 55 and i never ever learn!!!!i will read every comment left on the subject of bday card verses no bday card scenario…well despite being dumped by text after 6 mths of dating last dec,i couldnt stop myself sending him txts on a weekly basis saying how heartbroken i was etc..to no avail.then letters,poems etc(pathetic at my age)then i deleted his number..but found it again a week before his bday..so he got a card with my heartfelt wishes etc in it..first time in 7 mths he text me thanking me and saying he missed me too…(opened huge can of worms here)so i run back and forgive(hed been ill and depressed..so thats why he dumped me on txt..but he still cared!!!!!!!)so long story we saw each other for 2 wks then had mini row on phone and so he ignored me yet again for 7 weeks..then he did the ignoring bit 3rd time for 6 wks..then i found this site and loved it…but,i lost the no contact rule and i did the text bit and yes im back seeing him.ive made a mistake as although he says hes been an idiot treating me badly,he doesnt seem to want to try and make things good,hes still depressed(doesnt/cant work as registered disabled..he lives in flat funded by council)im busy working as have own house and son at uni to take care off,and i cant bring myself to go to bed with him as i still feel upset over his past treatment of me..what do i do?although i still love him,i dont seem able to forgive his treatment of me over the last 10 months..what a mess.i feel worse now hes back in my life than i did when i was grieving for him..am i just totally mad and want too much?? thanks for such a great site..
Shouldknowbetter,
This is a wonderful site. I’m 52 and am now just starting to learn with the assistance of Natalie and BR. ” im busy working as have own house and son at uni to take care off,and i cant bring myself to go to bed with him as i still feel upset over his past treatment of me..what do i do?although i still love him,i dont seem able to forgive his treatment of me over the last 10 months..” Listen to what you are saying. First, DON’T forgive him. Second, don’t shag him under any circumstances. Third, go NC ASAP (maybe this is first). Get him out of your life and the life of your son. Fourth, focus on your son and you, and your career. Don’t try to heal yourself by healing him. Take responsibility for yourself. Heal yourself. You are so right, although grieving the loss of what we imagined is painful, continuing to have them in our lives causes much more pain and destruction. You aren’t mad. You are a fallback girl, that’s all. I’m a recovering one. I still have my “mad” FBG moments too.
shouldknowbetter: I’m 52 and I feel like it’s taken me forever just to get to the point of NC
Don’t beat yourself up about what you did. As Natalie says, you had to “suck it and see” and go through with it to see how damaging he was. Just suck it up and move on. These people don’t change, and sending birthday greetings or whatever isn’t going to turn them into a different person. As much as that is what we are hoping for.
It doesn’t sound like you want “too much.” It sounds like you don’t want enough! Seriously, this guy is playing serious mind games with you and you need to kick him to the curb. Do you really believe you can move past all the hurts you’ve experienced with this guy to have a healthy mutually satisfying relationship with trust and respect? Doesn’t sound like it.
So much of this back and forth with these guys is projection, I’m convinced of it. We are hoping for a different outcome, and it just doesn’t happen. They aren’t going to change without enormous amounts of insight and examination of their behavior and even with a decent therapist long term it doesn’t always happen. It certainly doesn’t happen months after a break-up with them.
For the record, my guy didn’t even “break up” with me. I just never heard from him again. His last phone call was nothing unusual or panicked or anything strange. I just never heard from him again.
So he wasn’t worth the paper his phone number was printed on.
“I just never heard from him again. His last phone call was nothing unusual or panicked or anything strange. I just never heard from him again.”
Same. It’s comforting to know I’m not the only one.
WOW! I cant believe people ends things that way. Ok a text, phone call, email…those are even despicable in my book…but to just vanish…how do they live with themselves. ugh, gross.
Yeah I would never do that to someone. I think it’s a sign of someone being a coward.
should,
You can do better, oh so much better than this guy. You sound as if you blame yourself for not being able to “forgive” him of his past treatment of you. And yet you say he doesn’t seem to want to try and make things good. He is basically telling you who he is by his actions and words, and you are taking all the blame for not being able to get past the past. That is because it’s not in the past. The situation has not changed.
There is a difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. Forgiveness is for your own benefit. You can forgive someone, and still not put up with more of the same. You can forgive someone and choose to no longer be a part of their lives.
You don’t want too much, but maybe a normal, healthy relationship is too much for him.
It’s always difficult to deal with an ex spouse. Depending on the cirucumstances of the break up, I don’t see a whole lot of reasons why you would want to contact an ex husband (boyfriend), and I speak as one.
What would any woman want to achieve if she did? Show that she cares enough to remember a special day? Show that she is kind?
I don’t think it achieves anything other than bring back old emotions.
I would say this, in my humble opinion:
1. Don’t if you have just broken up
2. Don’t if it’s been a couple of years, even if you are single
3. Don’t particularly if you are single
And lastly…
Why would you?
Stevie
Stevie, here are my additions to your very wise list:
4. Don’t if the month has an R in it
5. Don’t if you saw a red car today
6. Don’t if you are currently seeing someone
7. Don’t if you have a crisis
8. Don’t if you aren’t seeing anyone
9. Don’t. Just don’t.
10. Don’t.
11. Stop even thinking about it.
12. Now go and do something worthwhile with your life.
#3 for the win.
Do you really want to contact the guy and find out he’s dating or in an “exclusive” relationship while you’re still single? (Yeah, I know for a lot of them “exclusive” is a relative term.)
Sheesh, I can’t think of anything more demoralizing or dehumanizing than THAT scenario. And we all know these guys move on. Boy do they move on.
Just assume they’ve moved on and do that yourself. Avoid the humiliation and “re-traumatization” all over again.
As a man, I want to particularly emphasize that I deplore the behavior of some men who are true scum bags when it comes to acting responsibly with regards to their girlfriends or wives.
I will say this though. A large majority of men out there are decent human beings who don’t have a warped idea of what you refer to as their concept of an “exclusive” relationship.
It saddens me that you think of us that way, although you obviously have very good reasons.
As a straight woman with attachment issues, my focus is obviously on straight men I’ve had experience with.
I’ve dated some really great guys in the past and some real stinkers, and I think many men could say the same about the women they date. Perhaps this is a huge assumption, but I take it you post here because you either have attachment issues of your own or you date women with attachment issues.
I don’t think of the entire human race of men as deplorable human beings. This forum IMO is focused on the relationships and connections we attempt even though we ourselves have attachment issues and those men respond in kind with their own attachment issues.
And yes I’m looking at myself as well (hence my post below about getting your own needs met before calling or writing them) – because clearly if I had my sh*t together and did more work on myself I wouldn’t be dating men who stick around for 14 months and then disappear.
Stevie,
You must have all the good guys hidden at your place, in a basement behind two doors bolted shut lol.
It’s my birthday in a couple of weeks, lol I wonder if any of my ex assclowns will pop out of their hillside caves and send me a text.
No they won’t.
And you are not over them yet.
DFL,
actually yes I am over them, my comment was a bit of a pisstake at my exes. And also pointing out while a lot of us stew and waste time over whether to send a text/card or whatever, these clowns wouldn’t even remember our birthdays
Too ironic that you post this now…again, it is like you are reading my mind or are in my life!! This past weekend was HIS birthday, his wife’s birthday AND their wedding anniversary, a trifecta if you will. It was harder in years past but we are no contact and I have nothing to say to him. He is still married and apparently will continue to be so, so I am out. I actually did spend the money on me and am currently sitting in Sedona Arizona, (I am from Ontario Canada), basking in the glory of the healing atmosphere and sitting poolside oggling other men! Yahoo for me, ta ta to him!! He does not deserve a birthday wish from me, nor any iota of my time! Period!! Great article Nat!! That was the best and most timely part of this dreaded weekend! I made it and I am having a blast, and your writing is perfect timing and uplifting!! You have done it yet again!!
Miskwa I TOTALLY agree what this ACs really need is some serious karma. If only!
Thank again for making my decision easier! My exEUM birthday is coming up next month and I was kinda looking around for the funniest card on planet. But no, I am going to save some money and buy myself a cup of coffee instead. He didn’t wish me happy birthday last month anyway.
Bad idea.
Because it’s not about them – it’s about getting your own needs met. And this is one of those situations where you have a high likelihood of feeling WORSE after doing it and not better.
Get your needs met in another way – talk to a therapist, go for a run/pump iron, talk to a friend, go to a movie, read a book, write in a journal, etc.
Sit on your hands and DON’T DO IT.
I recently pulled out a CD that has one of “our” favorite songs on it. I was playing that song over and over again and then thought about calling him (it’s been almost six months) and then realized — what if he IS in a relationship? Do I really want him knowing that I’m thinking about him? Don’t I want him to think I’ve moved on? That stupid CD triggered all of my feelings all over again when I had been doing great NC for six months.
So I didn’t call him, and I’m so glad.
Examine your reasons for doing it – 99% of the time it’s because you want something from them.
In the words if Goyte ” you’re just somebody that I used to know”. Ironic that my ex who dumped and insulted me by text, over a year ago is a big fan of Goyte.
Today is my ex’s birthday. I have been NC for 3 months now. I was tempted to look at his blog, or even his new gf’s twitter, to see how his day was going. But I didn’t because last time I did that I saw he moved in with her after barely knowing her a year and dating 6 months, when he never would move in with me after 2 yrs. He turned 29 today and his gf is 20. I felt sad waking up this morning and even wished him a happy birthday quietly to myself. But I never thought about breaking NC and saying anything.
I know this is good behavior on my part, but it hurts so much. I keep wondering if he wondered whether I would contact him today, but I know he didn’t. He probably just had a good day, like I should be doing. I even wondered if he tried my # today, which I shut off this month because it tempts me too much. I wish I could not wonder how his birthday went and think of things I did for him on his bdays when I was with him.
Yes its funny that you bring this up Nat! It was my bday a month ago and my Mr Unavailable completely forgot about it. When i mentoined the fact that he’d forgotton i got some comment like “Oh i was so busy with my dad i forgot what the date was”. WTF? Doesnt sound much like a bloke whos really got me in his thoughts and heart hey! It doesnt matter now but and he hasnt made any attempt to make up for it so he can kiss my *ss!!!
This has been a real eye-opener for me. I have read everyone’s comments and realized:
1) No exes have ever contacted me to wish me a Happy Birthday.
2) No exes have ever contacted me to wish me a Happy Holiday.
3) No exes have ever contacted me to congratulate me.
4) No exes have ever contacted me to express their condolences.
By all means, contact them if you want to:
1) Confirm to them that they are Irresistible.
2) Confirm to them that you miss their emotional abuse.
3) Confirm to them that they are important enough to be remembered.
4) Confirm to them that what they have been telling their friends about you is true: you are needy, clingy, pathetic, desperate and nuts.
Contacting them shows that you still care. They don’t.
Thank you, your post just hit the nail on the head. Especially #4. I am sure that is what my EUM has been doing for the last week and a half.
Today is his birthday, I had to read this over and over to talk myself out of either texting him or sending him a facebook message. Then, I saw on his facebook page that this girl had posted “HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY!!!!!!!!!” Really? So glad I didn’t make the mistake of making a fool of myself.
Never again..defriend his facebook friendship and never look at his page again. The more you keep looking at his silly status updates and wall posts the more you remain addicted.
I absutely agree with you MagicPotion. That’s why I never contact them. Even when our dog died earlier this year, I received no texts at all.
I have been wondering – why do you think that most of the people on here are women? Do you think it’s because men treat women more badly than the opposite and are more likely to be EU, or is it because women are more contemplative and analyse things more?
I’ve learned so much from this site. I feel like before I was truly naive about things. I look back at the things that I’ve put up with and it doesn’t make me think wow I’m kind (which is what I was trying to show to the different guys) it makes me think – wow what a push-over with no self esteem and I’m sure that’s what they thought too.
Because Natalie writes for women.
Dating people who don’t treat us with respect is one way that low self-esteem manifests itself. Just my opinion.
Maybe it’s an age thing but when the guy I was dating just up and stopped calling me, I never called him to find out “what was wrong.” I just let it go. Maybe I’m finally getting that life’s too short and it’s not worth the emotional rollercoaster and aggravation of trying to “talk it out” or “figure out” what was going on.
I think there were signs while we were dating that all was not right, signs both in me and in him, and I wish I had paid more attention to those signs when they sprang up, but in my 20s or 30s I would have called the guy to figure it all out, and this time I just let it happen the way it happened. He never called back for whatever reason, and I never called to find out why.
Molly – that is such great advice. I really appreciate your view. I think I would have saved myself a lot of years if I just let things and people go who wanted to leave.
I also had some toxic friends and once I let them go my life was so much better. I used to hang on like my life depended on that relationship/friendship to work. Now I realise like you that life is short.
totally agree with the low self esteem and dating link. Looking back over my dating ‘career’ right from the word go I was missing those all important boundaries. Trouble was, after each dating experience/relationship my self esteem plunged even further… vicious circle really. you feel crap, so you put up with crap and then you think, hmmm i must be somehow deserving of said crap, so put up with even *more crap*.
Some times I feel I have come a long way, but then other times I just feel like i’m not getting anywhere….
I’m currently in the space of – berating myself for staying in such bad situations for so long
Not sure if it is more of a woman’s domain – the low self esteem/dating etc than a man’s. From looking around my own circle of friends there doesn’t seem to be much of a gender difference. Psych studies do show though that certain negative feelings manifest themselves differently (generally) in women than in men – women more likely to opt for the self harm/internalising problems where as men more likely to externalise them (eg fighting/challenging behaviour).
This is appropriate right now! Exes birthday was not too long, and I thought of him (as I do daily, ugh). But did NOT send him any greeting bc I thought why? I see him often, but we are not friends, in the last few months we haven’t exchanged more than a hi in the like 10 times I have seen him. I am still in pain and angry, and that will continue, at least for now. My birthday is coming up and I expect nothing from him either. I am so glad I didn’t say anything…either he would ignore it, or say thank you….either way, I woulda felt like crap. Now, if 2 exes are in contact occasionally, no hard feelings, bad terms, etc…than I say no probs there.
My ex EUM actually sent me an email with a video link of me at a dance event from 2009 on his ‘own’ birthday! Stating how gorgeous I looked. I only realised it was his birthday when I noticed the time and date of the email. As well as giving him a piece of my mind about his behaviour towards me and dumping his player ass I also I decided I would ignore (he’d never remember mine!) his birthday. I always used to remember his birthday with a card but no more. I knew he was a classic selfish EUM with a harem of women around him but talk about attention seeking! It only made me think he was more EU and narcisistic than I thought! What was that all about? After discovering BR I now know he was just testing the waters and attention seeking. I have since bumped into him at events (plus his harem) but now see him through very different eyes. Yes, it might be difficult to see EUMlooking like they’ve moved on but really I’ve realised that it’s just same MO but a different woman. The only way they ever likely to change is via some serious personal development work and we all know that’s very unlikely to happen. Thanks Nat for a brilliant site. Sometimes when I have doubted myself you’ve written something to remind me I’m on the right path.
Only once have I ever had a guy I was dating not really acknowledge my birthday and it was the last guy I was with. He was a total selfish eum ac. But when it came time for his birthday which was the week after he did a 5 day disappearing act, he text me inviting me to his family celebration for his b’day. I was so shocked because after 3 months I hadnt met his family even though they lived a half mile from me. Classic fallback girl that I am I went like a fool. I still dont know what that was all about but guess what? He showed up with a gift for my birthday which was the month before. I have no idea what he was trying to do, maybe he had cheated on me during the disappearing act, maybe he felt guilty for not acknowledging my bday, I dont know. But I do know that I have a very expensive set of computer speakers that I am enjoying to this day 😉
Wish I’d been able to read this 3 weeks ago, it would have knocked some sense into me!! Oh well. I’ve treated myself to a gift today…ordered Nat’s wonderful book on Amazon, thing is it’s out of stock!! You go girl, you deserve all the success in the world…..you’ve helped so many women out there including me…I’m getting there slowly but surely. Bless you Nat and thank-you again.
My ex birthday is coming next month.
The bad thing, she works right in the cubicle next to me (I never see her face, but I can see the top of her head if I stand up from my workspace and she is sitting on hers).
So I know her new guy (who she cheated on me with) will be visiting her that day a lot and all the other eagles that mourn for her love, like they did when we were in a “relationship”.
I was thinking of not appearing that day at work, but probably (and it’s obvious that I’m still not completely over her) that would be giving her much importance, right?
I guess I should just go to work and pretend it’s just a regular day even if the balloons and decorations fall to my workspace hehe.
This couldn’t have come at a better time. I was seeing someone for 7 mos that told me he loved me, we had even discussed moving in together. It seemed like almost clock work that every few weeks he would get cold feet and retreat then come back, we would discuss it and he would say he would want to move forward and then it would happen again. This time he said he felt I needed someone that could afford my lifestyle. From the beginning he said I was high maintance and that was an issue, then he wanted me to change for him and that was an issue. Also he has borrowed money from me on 3 different occassions saying he would pay me back but never has. The last time I told him I had to have the money back, he tells me he doesn’t owe it. He is a daily pot smoker and almost 40 years old. He hasn’t a pot to pee in. In a text he said move in with me and live MY WAY…I have my own house and moving in with him would not be practical at all. This last time he retreated I gave him his house key back and said I couldn’t do this anymore. Then I blew his phone up every day asking to take me back. He threw away a pair of my designer shoes and told me so then said I would get them back. I never has. He told me yesterday in text that he loves me always will but he gave up on me and us because I am too selfish to give him his space and the time he needed to think. His birthday is next month and I’ve been trying to decide how to handle that day. THANK GOD for this post. I keep telling myself I wouldn’t be happy with him and now he turns it on me making all this my fault. My GOD what was I thinking?
Why do these ACs always have harems? Why don’t other women see what complete assholes these guys are? why do mutual friends take the ACs side, even knowing how much these people are assholes?
I think they are obsessed about other people’s opinion about them and they tell lots of lies to friends/family/colleagues as they do to OW/FG in order to keep their “image” intact.
Their image is everything for them because underneath it, they know they have nothing to offer. They offer a lie and it’s difficult to find the truth for us, who were intimate, what to say about some friends/ colleagues, who usually only know their good parts?
They might have harems- dozens of confused girls-as I used to be – with low self-esteem, who have not seen the big picture yet.
They don’t have much.
OMG Nat I can’t believe you wrote this post on the 10/10 which is my birthday! What a coincidence.
And of course one week into my second, long overdue round of NC with ex-MM he rings and leaves me a message for my birthday. The tone in his voice was very interesting. I could almost hear the intent behind the words. ‘I know you are going through one of your ‘phases’ where you say you don’t want to talk to me but I’m a better person than that so I’m still doing the right thing and ringing to wish you happy birthday’. This is honestly what he believes. Whether he realises it or not – I know that it’s really just a ploy to make me think it would be rude not to respond and therefore make contact again.
But I didn’t.
I don’t even really feel like I’m doing ‘no contact’ this time. There’s none of the anxiety, temptation and feeling of achievemenet with each day or week that I don’t communicate with him. Because I finally reached the point where it’s something that is BEHIND me and I’m focussed on my future. And he doesn’t play a part in it.
Making the decision to not respond was a no-brainer. I dunno about most people but on your birthday you get so many txts and voicemails – I certainly don’t respond to them all indivudually. So I just treated his message the same way.
As for Christmas and any other occasions in the near future where it’s normal to exchange sentimental greetings? I’ll be sure to focus my energy on expressing to my friends, family and the people who honestly contribute to my life, how much I love and value them.
Just another thing to consider people. Think about the times when you have, against your better judgement, contacted your EUM or MM. Before you do it you feel so anxious and stressed out but once you’ve sent that little message or made that call – do you suddenly experience that deep regret and feel sh#t about yourself?
I know I always did because I knew it was emotional self-sabotage, valuing him over myself and in the end just plain stupid. If you’ve ‘broken up’ and are kidding yourself that you are friends just imagine what your friends who know how much he hurt you would ask if they knew you were still talking to him. They’d ask ‘Why?’
Why are you talking to him when he hurt you so much?
Why are you talking to him when he stops you from moving on with your life?
Why are you talking to him when he makes you feel sh#t about yourself?
Why are you talking to him when he’s married, got a girlfriend, is using you for sex and emotional battery?
Why are you talking to him when he’s clearly shown he doesn’t respect you?
Trust me that the people in your life who love you are also thinking to themselves – why is an intelligent woman making such a stupid decision to continue being involved with this arse of a man and putting herself through hell over and over again.
Think long and hard about the answers to those questions, be honest with yourself and if you can’t find any real positive reasons for this person to remain in your life you may just find that it’s easier to move on.
Reading this article has left me feeling rather embarrassed because it has emphasized how when it came to my ex-ac of many years, it was always *me* making the first move. I’m sure that if I had just left things after one of our many break-ups, he would have let me be. I didn’t have him trying to be my friend, it was always the other way round – don’t get me wrong, once I had reached out he was eager to take what was on offer (why wouldn’t he, selfishly he got what he wanted, attention, sex, me making no demands).
Danielle, you are totally right, I’d send a message/call and then I would be left with a horrible feeling of anxiety – what is going to happen next, will he respond, when will he, what will he say, what will come of this?? Initially, i’d feel good, just for a second – maybe its because I knew that I would be on his mind for that fleeting moment, and then, yup I’d feel terrible.
I think the answers to your questions “why” boiled down to the same thing – somewhere, somehow (and it defies logic) I felt that if I was available and reminding him how much I wanted him he would eventually come round / see that I was the one for him. In the short term, I did get a kind of high when he did respond – I ended up on a emotional rollercoster for years…
Part of me looked at other happy people in happy relationships and think there was something inherently good about them that meant they had someone who cared. I guess the flip side of that means that I thought I was no good and deserved no better…
This post is quite poignant for me….the EX eum’s 30th birthday was in September and I was stupidly contemplating sending him a message. Luckily I didn’t…..
Anyway I logged into my facebook this week and he has added me as a friend. He was never on facebook when we were in our 6 year on and off pseudo relationship and now suddenly he is. I have been no contact since January 2011, and haven’t seen him since December 2011.
This blog and book has been a Godsend for me as it has totally explained his behaviour and mine too.
It however really shook me up when I saw his friend request (how ironic he was never a friend to me during our time together) I stupidly started envisioning meeting up with him etc and trying to be friends. Then I remembered all the things I had learnt on here….being friends does not work and I truly don’t think I am over him going by the reaction I felt when I saw he had added me.
Therefore I am going to ignore it and leave it…..I know am still not over him and am probably still weak.
I am so grateful I found this site when I did! I have been NC for a month since the latest round with my textbook very recently ex AC. I just had nothing left to say after we had a stupid text exchange about him blowing me off that ended with me asking if his most recent text translated into an apology. My surprise is he went NC, too! This isn’t our usual routine. We had been together on and off for 6 yrs and I don’t know what our relationship was most recently. I must admit I had a “nervous breakdown” that lasted for a good part of the time we were together, lost my job and was unable to be the beautiful social butterfly I had once been or I am sure I would have left him years ago. I also suspect he had a lot to do with me losing my mind…! He’s 10 years younger and we looked about the same age and, I honestly look 15 years older now than I did 5 years ago. 🙁 At least my age wasn’t something he managed to make me feel bad about. We’re 41/51 now so he actually could date much younger but hasn’t.
Anyway, this is my first post and it’s related because the last several months of our relationship insanity was more than FWB but less than a real relationship. Talk about managed down expectations! The last time I saw him, I had just moved and he brought over all of his tools to help with my new place. We then argued via text and that’s the last contact. I figured he’d stew and then I’d hear from him but I was not going to contact him… I have paralyzing anxiety even though I know I need to be rid of him. I don’t think I love or even like him anymore but the empty void is sucking the life out of me more than he did. There are things I like about him independent of the way he’s been treating me recently and we were great together sexually. I feel like a drug addict in need of a fix! It was so bad for me but felt so good till the next crisis… Cold turkey is messing with my head and I can’t get anything done or get myself out of the house. I do wonder if the fact that I finally got a cool job several months ago and a new apartment right before this happened doesn’t have something to do with his escalation in bad behavior. I was much more dependent on him and more at his beck and call before…
It’s like waiting for the other shoe to drop. I know I will have to deal with him since I still have the tools and he will…
No contact is like rehab. You need to repeat to yourself daily – My name is FX and I’m an addict.
On my first serious round of NC I used to make jokes to my friends and other people but really I was 100% serious when I told them that although I have no other vices – I was an addict. It really helped me to think of it in those terms and realise that I was trying to flush something that was terrible for my health out of my system. That it hurt to go through withdrawal but that if I could just focus on the fact that eventually I would be ‘better’ if I could stay away from the ‘drug’ it would help.
You ARE an addict to the AC = the drug, attention from AC = the feeling the drug gives you. Start envisaging the person you will be post-addiction and work towards that.
It’s articles like this that I read and just CRINGE!!! because I’ve done just that.
Haha, I should have read that article about 4 days ago…sent the greeting off, fretted about if he would get back or not (he hasn`t) and now I feel like an absolute ass.
I guess you live, you learn. At least that`s what I`ve been telling myself..
This article was published on my 35th birthday. I hadn’t found this site then, but I can’t help but think it is a sign.
My eum sent me a short, impersonal email for my birthday. For his birthday in August I had commissioned two paintings. What kills me is that I told him I needed him to make a real effort for my birthday this year. I managed down my expectations of him over the past decade so low that I’m sure he felt the email was enough. If I’m honest with myself and fair to him he is sending me a clear message: this is all he has for me. A short email, after being coerced into remembering the exact date of my birthday since he “doesn’t remember anyone’s birthday”.
I’m one week into NC. Today was my deadline I set for myself, one month to the day after my birthday, if he didn’t deliver more I was out, permanently. I’ve been psyching myself to let him go, training myself to stop checking Skype for him, avoiding his blogs as much as I can etc. The week of NC has helped to prepare me for a lifetime of it. Starting today.
Thanks for this site and all these (painful) truths! Truly grateful. I will no longer be a sexy ego boost for a jackass with a harem of stupid young women. Hope none of them waste 11 years wondering if he would be different if only she were prettier, less “needy”, more open to his bullshit, etc.
This came at just the right moment for me!:) I’ve been on NC for 2 months (my AC has tried to get back in contact twice) and soon my birthday is coming up. For the past 2 years I was with my AC, we celebrated our birthdays together (his was on NYE and mine on NY). Yup, back-to-back celebrations.
This time around, I’m on NC and we are not together. I am determined to NOT send a greeting/whether it be a card, gift let alone a text! I agree, it would be different if we were ‘friends’ but right now that’s def not the case. And I do not expect anything from him either…
I recall when I first got together with my AC he was still accepting gifts from this girl (whom I later found out was his ex from before me!:P). She proceeded to ‘meddle’ the whole time I was dating my AC, and he kept on denying things and telling me he was ‘over’ it, but now that I’m no longer with him, I see things much clearer.
I am definitely NOT going to be THAT GIRL! Giving him a gift on his bday or even a text, would only make him think my door is open for him to bash down again and bring me in for another cycle of drama+lies! When I think back on the 2 bday celebrations I had with him, I was always in denial about how badly he had treated me.
The first bday, he was the sweetest most ‘lovable’ guy ever. Even gave me a super expensive gift too! (should’ve known that was a bad sign, as we had just known each other less than 2 months!!!) . 2nd year around, things changed for the worst. I attended his bbq bday party at his house with his family and closest friends. I remember feeling like I was ‘invisible’ the whole time. I kept on having to introduce myself to his friends, he would leave me for the most part, and I was mostly eating by myself making small talk with people I hardly knew. They would keep asking me “so, who are you?”. He also made extra effort that I didn’t talk to his ex-girlfriends bestfriend who was also at the party! (I later had to introduce myself to her too, which was met by a “Oohhhhh I see” and a ‘dirty’ look).
To top it all off, my AC sent me home early, back to my car, and told me that he’d see me later for the ‘afterparty’ celebration. And then he proceeded to go back to his party with his family and friends to cut the lovely birthday cake that I HAD BOUGHT FOR HIM!!!! Talk about messed up?!
So, this year is going to be different. My door is shut and I’m definitely NOT going to be sending any signals/wishes at all! It would only serve to stroke his ego + believe that I’m still there to be made a fool of! I’m glad that I’m not the only one facing this! Thanks Natalie!