Every day I hear from many people that are engaging in the futile act of trying to control the uncontrollable. Much like when you mention “using” to people, if you try to associate yourself with “control”, it’ll likely make you feel very uncomfortable and you may have every argument in the book as to why what you’re doing isn’t control – it’s loving, giving, generosity, fixing, healing, helping or whatever else you want to bag it and tag it as.
Control is about having the power to influence or direct people’s behaviour. You may seek to limit or ‘manage’ someone/or something. When you’re ‘controlling’ it’s trying to determine the behaviour of someone or even supervise them while seeking to maintain your influence and authority over them.
In relationship terms, especially in ‘fallback’ terms where you allow yourself to be an option for someone to enjoy the fringe benefits of a relationship without the commitment, struggle with feeling that you’re not good enough, try to convince people of your value, play Florence Nightingale, or try to reach the tipping point of loving and giving, it looks something like this:
You have some fundamental beliefs about love, relationships, and yourself where aside from believing that you’re not good enough, you also believe that love is about having the power to change someone either with your love, the very presence of you in their lives, or even your expectations of a relationship.
When you experience issues, you think that it’s linked to something that you said/did, or something about your intrinsic value that’s seeping out of your pores screaming something like “Treat me bad!”, “Don’t be interested” or “Be unavailable.”
You wonder what you need to do to change yourself or what you can do to influence their behaviour and get the relationship that you want. You keep loving, giving, doing, hoping, expecting, changing, adapting, morphing, accommodating because you hope that all of these things will influence their behaviour and give you the power to direct them, which is to give you the love and the relationship you think you want. By avoiding being in control of yourself or commandeering change in your own life, you instead seek to control the uncontrollable leaving yourself at the absolute mercy of external and often wholly irrelevant factors.
If you imagine you and your ideas about change and why people do and don’t do what you want, it’s like you and your worth are linked to the Am I Good Enough Today? Index which is wholly and solely based on how you perceive yourself in the context of Other People’s Behaviour. They validate you, you climb a few percentage points. They’ll leave their wife/husband/partner, index rising sharply. Promises to give up drink/drugs/gambling/sex addiction, index off the charts. Make you the exception to their rule of behaviour, off the charts. Have a good day with someone that you actually refer to privately or even openly as a narcissist or an assclown, index off the charts.
Won’t upgrade you from a booty call to relationship, index sliding rapidly. Disappearing, not calling, ‘playing hard to get’, index jittering all over the place. Tells you again that even though they’re happy to enjoy the fringe benefits, the offer on the table is still a casual relationship and they don’t want to commit, index plummets. Boundaries crossed, index slides and you wonder what’s wrong with you. Didn’t hear from some random you met on a dating site or someone that asked for your number that you’d banked your hopes on, index sliding. Hear that your ex has moved on, emergency siren starts ringing out. Convince yourself that they may have spontaneously combusted into a better person in a better relationship without you, it’s evacuation time.
You get the idea.
Other indexes you might be linked to:
How Much Change Can This Person Accomplish On My Beat Index. This is where your worth is directly linked to the net amount of change you can extract from someone. Of course if you’re taking two steps forward, one, two, three or more steps back, it’s a pretty damn precarious index.
Is It Something I Said/Did? Index. Someone does something because it’s their inclination and they have their own agenda and you wonder what you did to ‘provoke’ or ‘influence’ their behaviour, even if they’re the most self-obsessed person in the universe and were going to do what they’re going to do anyway. Often you’ll make yourself the focus point of things that have shag all to do with you or your value.
The Next Up Index. Keeping tabs on your ex via Facebook, text, email, third party sources including friends and dating sites, poking through their email, having to witness them with their new partner because they’ve hooked up with your friend or they’re waving it in your face at work, or even by keeping in touch with them, and then using nuggets of info to determine your worth. You hear they’re happy, index plummets. You hear they’re behaving differently, a crash team needs to be sent in. You stalk their Facebook and see photos of them or happy statuses, the index collapses.You hear from them, index rises. They sniff around you for sex or an ego stroke, index rises. They tell you they miss you or they may have made a mistake while still screwing the new person, index off the charts. You hear they’re still a dipstick, index rises. You hear they broke up, you have a spring in your step and the index is off the charts.
When you seek to control the uncontrollable, you want to have the power to influence or direct another person to love you and give you the relationship that you say you want. You also want to have the power to influence and direct how everyone else in your social sphere interacts with and creates feelings within you.
By catering to your beliefs which in turn caters to a self-fulfilling prophecy that confirms your quiet or maybe even open beliefs that you’re not good enough, you’re actually using external factors that are out of your control to control your experiences and to of course continue influencing your perception of yourself. Staying in the uncomfortable comfort zone limits your risk and ensures you don’t fail fail in a relationship with someone who you think would be even more unpredictable and uncontrollable than someone that fits your ‘type’ – this is like ‘safe’ failure where you risk, but not as much as if you put yourself out there in an available relationship.
You also render yourself powerless because it’s a fundamentally futile act so by linking yourself to ‘everyone else and the universe’ and your various indexes, you’re at the mercy of everything other than you to determine your worth and validate you. That’s a pretty damn exhausting and precarious life, especially because none of us are capable of Jedi mind tricks and it’s only abusers who manage to control others and you don’t want to go down that path.
The only index you need to be linked to is the You Index. You’re 100% in control of it and it’s reliant on you treating yourself with love, care trust, and respect, knowing your own line so you can communicate the line and being authentic so you can live a more positive life and foster mutually fulfilling relationships. Nobody else should be directing or influencing your worth or your life other than you. This is the same for everyone else, so you need to get on with assuming responsibility for yourself and leave everyone else to do theirs.
Your thoughts?
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I’m trying to get off the index, I really really am. How long does it take? How do you do it?
I’m stuck with my son’s dad batting around in the periphery of my life for the foreseeable, and I thought that I was okay with it – I’ve done everything that I can to push him as far out of my eyeline as I possibly can whilst letting him be a father to our son (flamin moral obligations! – how come no-one else in this scenario has a conscience?)
I thought that I was okay – at least I was fairly used to feeling completely rubbish about the fact that he has a new girlfriend and seems very happy. It’s not nice but it’s familiar and I’ve got my head around it.
Then two events happened over the last fortnight – both so inconsequential that they shouldn’t even register. One was five missed calls on my phone after midnight (unsurprisingly, having a small baby, I was asleep and missed them which is just as well because I would’ve been tempted). Next day he claimed that he’d fallen asleep on his phone.
Then he follows this up by texting me an arrangement about picking up our son, addressed to his girlfriend. I replied saying “That’s fine, but I’m not xxxx” and then got three – three! – long screeds in return about how they’d fallen out this weekend and how he’s really unhappy etc etc etc.
Then, of course, he dropped my son off grinning from ear to ear and all greased up ready to go out, from which I would deduce – were I thinking about it at all and I’m REALLY trying not to – that they’ve made up. Index crashes through the floor.
Now, given that a) I know that he didn’t even like me in the first place b) they’re poxy missed calls and text messages! How much importance do I want to attach to nothing?! c) he’s a pillock d) a really inconsiderate, selfish and immature pillock and e) I’ve done EVERYTHING right for months and months and months now, why do I still feel all messed-up and horrible about this? How is this fair?
Is there a part of you that wants him to suffer or be miserable? Like do you want him to feel pain? I understand how confused and twisted you can feel after being taken on an emotional rollercoaster. I said in my previous post that it almost feels like you have to detox yourself from these men after the damage has been done to your self-esteem.
Well yes, but I work hard at keeping it repressed 😀
It’s more that I was important enough to ring in the middle of the night (albeit then to be lied to about it) and to be unloaded on about his relationship difficulties.
Then I think “Wow, don’t I have fantastic expectations of my relationships? THAT important hey?” and get upset because, despite being the mother of his child and possibly the single bravest person that he has ever met in his whole goddamn life (whether he realises it or not) I’m actually NOT important enough to treat with any consideration or respect!
My poor self-esteem seems to get a royal kicking either way, but then it will keep on creeping back to him for more.
‘Rollercoaster’ is completely right…
Maybe not repress it so much and allow yourself to feel your real feelings….and set a firm boundary that anything that happens with him and his gf is between the two of them, you are not his sounding board or his gf or his therapist or his mother and you will not listen to anything about anything that involves any ups and downs with her. Treat yourself with respect and he will have no choice but to follow.
I completely get how you feel but I think the big thing to remember, and what Nat is saying, is that it doesn’t matter whether you are important TO HIM. He is just an attention-seeking clown, and it doesn’t matter whether he knows you are brave (or otherwise great) or not because his opinion of you doesn’t mean anything. What matters is that YOU know you are brave and worthwhile.
“I’m actually NOT important enough to treat with any consideration or respect!”
Wow, this makes me really sad! How can you think this?! It is NOT that you’re not important enough to treat with consideration and respect, it’s that HE doesn’t have it in him to do that! It’s like expecting a cat to start barking like a dog! It’s not possible, and it’s nothing to do with you. This man isn’t sticking around for his child either – is it your son’s ‘fault’ that his dad doesn’t live with him? Hell no!
Don’t make his behaviour about you. He would be like this anyway. You just ahve the misfortune to be *near* him while he’s parading his bullshit around, you are NOT responsible for it. Big hugs! 🙂
yogurt
you need an invicibility shield, where all his batshit crazy behaviour just bounces off you (provided he’s not actually hitting you). It’s not true that words don’t hurt, they do. That’s why you have to protect yourself. It’s mental armour. It’s not about you. if he wasn’t jerking you around, it would be someone else.
Of course he “liked” you, just not in a useful way.
On the plus side, at least he is involving himself with your son’s upbringing and while it must be annoying and hurtful for you, you’re doing the right thing. Rise above it, you’re better than his drama!
Yoghurt, this is an open and shut case of assholery. He really is an overgrown baby and like a typical Mr Unavailable, when he was experiencing issues with his girlfriend, he put out the vaguest of feelers so he could reassure his ego. None of what he’s done is an accident and I think, bearing in mind that you have his child, I think it’s understandable to feel a bit vulnerable especially as you’re literally the one left holding the baby while he prances around like a slick dick. As many a person has found, with all the best will in the world, you can do everything right and then some brazen tit will come along and do something totally different. This isn’t about you.
I’ve said this many times but always remember: You and he are not the same person. The same level of thought and how we see things is not how he and others do. With this in mind, you can only do the right things *for you*. Ok and your son. After that, the rest of them can go whistle. Take what you’re thinking, divide it by 100, divide it in half again and you’re probably a hell of a lot closer to the level of thought expenditure he has put out. He’s only thinking about him so even when you think he’s pulling mind fuckery to specifically piss you off, his head is too far up his bum to have considered you.
Thank you to everyone who replied 🙂 I feel much better about it today, so it was obviously just a wobble!
Nat, I think that you’ve hit the nail on the head with ‘vulnerable’. I’m aware that he really doesn’t give me two seconds of thought – indifference is better than hostility, I suppose, but not by a whole lot – but it bothers me that I’m tied quite closely to someone who literally doesn’t give a rat’s arse about me one way or another and is quite happy to pick me up and use me regardless of the impact that it will have on me.
Also, I am constantly fighting against HIS version of events and HIS assessment of me and my value (nil). I can tell myself that I’m important and the rest of it, but being constantly bombarded with actions and attitudes that tell me that – actually – I’m not at all (especially not compared with his girlfriend, who is younger and very pretty and not tied down with a baby), is very wearing. It doesn’t help that I’m naturally a bit isolated in my current circumstances and can’t do a great deal about that yet. Although that will change in time.
I threw way too much good money after bad with this bloke and whilst I’ve stopped spending it’s not a lot of fun being skint. Especially when the promises of BIG MONEY PRIZES are still wafting past me every so often.
Don’t worry yoghurt, it will get better. You just need to surround yourself with people who care about you and support you and minimize the time you spend around this dumb ass. You will be fine, I’m sure of it.
Thank you Nat – I needed to hear this today. I needed to be reminded that Other People’s Behavior is just that Other People’s Behavior. Thou I might not agree with what and/or how they do things – it is not my problem or concern unless I make it so. Just had this experience with a “friend” recently and I’ve spent way too much time in my head over it. They are going to do what they are going to do regardless of me or my beliefs. What they are doing goes against my primary core values and beliefs but they are mine and I need not project them or expect them from others. Back on track again and feeling alot better about it. My gut instinct says come back to center and what I think or feel about this persons behavior is irrelevant – its certainly not going to change it. They certainly aren’t going to be fretting about it any – so why should I. Not my problem.
Again thats Nat for the kick in the butt.
I think friendships of this nature can do your head in Movedup and you’ll no doubt find that you give them a *wide* berth. Not your problem indeed!
Love it!!! This pretty much is exactly how my so-called involvement with a man was. Over a year I was aboard an emotional rollercoaster. He was abusive, would blow hot and cold, make plans and break them last minute knowing good and well he never intended to keep his plans, even had a pregnant girlfriend. In spite of all his behavior for some reason I kept letting him back into my life or going back to him seeking his validation so that I would feel I was good enough. I was at a very low point. Everytime we got into it I felt it was because of something I’d said or did that was repulsing him. Its crazy to think I allowed myself to do some humiliating and embarrassing things.
I’ve recently put in place the no contact rule, changed my number and am trying to heal still from the emotional abuse I sustained, rebuild my self-esteem. I even began to believe the abuse was my fault and perhaps I was the crazy and pathetic one. Breaking contact with a possible narcissistic man and abusive one almost feels like you have to detox, like check into rehab. I often wonder if guys like such ever reap what they sow or ever truly face Karma? What I have learned is sexual attraction + compatibility + relationship = nothing without self-love, being emotionally available and able to commit with consumate love (if the ideal love we strive for exists ) .
Hi Janine,
I think a LOT of this stuff is getting over things that maybe happened when we young and had no control – Get rid of that baggage and doors just seem to open on happiness with or without a relationship or guy around at all.
I was a great loving person for a long time that just got around and too concerned with what people that were completely selfish for a long time.
( I didn’t that know I was lovable period ) thanks to a biological father that came and went and I wasn’t even sure he was my dad, A Step father for a good while in life that was a tyrant I mean shooting the house up with a gun type, Alcoholism for many years from my mom, Thank God she stopped that a long time ago, and then poverty and being a total social outcast in the teen years. ( It created the lowest self esteem conditions ) All I knew were “struggles” to be loved or accepted in any way from people who just couldn’t do that.
It wasn’t until recently I started looking at all people as flawed somehow, all of us made up of the same type of genetics , and asking what really mattered to ME? then I dunno just kind of “woke – up” To hey.. I’m not really all that bad at all! : )
@Janine Well trust me, if he is even possibly narcissistic, that’s bad enough and if he’s abusive, that’s a no-go, so trust me when I say 1) you’re not *that* compatible and 2) he’s just not that special. I’m sure he’ll get his one day but it won’t necessarily be on your beat for you to witness. You’ve got to let him go about the business of being an asshole and get on with your own life.
I agree. I at one point was thinking perhaps we were acting in counter-productive ways, but regardless with abuse, that’s a huge red flag and all his other crappy behavior I allowed just added to the damage done. I agree that we all get what’s coming to us whether its a week, month, years, but its best that I let him be, accept what happen, vow to take the steps to not allow my boundaries to be crossed and me to normalize terrible behavior.
You are so right about how its possible to be blinded by who the person actually is when you’re so intoxicated with the drama and mistaking it for passion, when really its just relationship crack! I was in the same boat as those who asked, why her and not me and once it all came full circle I understood that she was not only his mirror, but accommodated his behavior and was more concerned with having the title. Indeed, you should never envy the woman who ends up with these kind of guys. Doesn’t matter how he is with another woman, how he treated me was more than enough CLUE to stay away and fix my own issues 🙂
And of course the fact that he was willing and succeeded in cheating on his pregnant girlfriend. If he could treat the mother of his first born child that way, what in the world was I thinking?! Live and learn!
I apologize up front for stretching to make this on topic: today’s events are on my mind, so I hope I can relate them and contribute to thoughts on control at the same time.
Last night I emailed the boundary-pusher (HH) whose home I left last week because I realized I’d left my phone charger with him. I’d left some other stuff, I already knew, but it hadn’t been worth getting in touch for those things. Natalie’s words about getting involved in drama have been ringing in my head all week: I kept the ask short. He emailed back saying “he missed me” which first made me kind of pleased before I gave it serious thought and remembered that it should creep me out. He also sent an email that likened us both to spies and gave me a secret code to meet him or something.
I ignored that, asked for my stuff politely. When I got to the library, most of my stuff was already there; including a helmet he’d bought me inappropriately. I left the helmet and took my stuff. He showed up in the room where I was and passed me a note that said he was going to go “fetch” the rest of my stuff and wanted “a biscuit” for the effort.
The “miss you”, the spy mail, the weird note and weird vibe: I had the real desire not to create drama, combined with the awful feeling of not being able to control someone’s feelings or actions (in this case, too much, not too little).
I have been reading Natalie’s drama-seeker emails. This whole thing is somewhat enthralling to me, and I feel the urge I have to make a big story out of it. (I’m getting that out here, btw). So I hesitated before telling the staff, but I decided to tell one of the staff who had invited me to talk to her about this person last week, when I left his place. I told her, she actually said he has creeped her out before, too. We decided we wouldn’t do anything for the moment, unless something else happened.
Well, right after that, I went to my locker and he had left my little container and had put a small bouquet of flowers with it. The staff member was right there, so I showed her. Too much.
Anyway, now the heads of the library are involved, and asking me if I’ll talk to HR, and I think it’s best if they don’t say anything to him or suspend him or whatever until I’m no longer coming to the library to work.
I am sighing because I still feel a little thrill about all of this. My index goes…
Magnolia, I know exactly what you mean! My love life was like one of those Lifetime Television For Women movies from the early 90’s (minus anyone indulging in bodysuits/mismatched lipliner/revenge plots involving Meredith Baxter Birney). When I first cut the drama, it felt..weird? I promise you, it will become second nature to make things easy for yourself and circumvent the high drama. Sounds like you have a lot of self awareness and are going to handle this thing the right way! *Hugs*
Mag
This is downright creepy. You’ve known this guy, what, a week? Do not talk to him, don’t explain anything to him.
Is he in a position to exploit younger women? (I’m not saying oldies can’t be exploited, but at least we can usually spot them coming). If it was me I might put HR on notice but it’s up to your assessment of the situation. Ultimately, his employer is responsible for his actions (harrassment) while he is doing his job.
And this isn’t about you. He’s overstepped the mark with other women and I’ve no doubt he’ll do it again. He doesn’t even know you, how can it be about you?
I am sighing because I still feel a little thrill about all of this. My index goes up over a guy telling me he misses me, and it goes way up over being the poor victim at the centre of a stalking saga! I feel a sense of smugness that this guy – who clearly creeps other women out, too – “can’t help himself” around me. That is effed up.
The person I controlled today was me. My impulse was to contact the male professor who has been hosting me and who I already drew in to this drama earlier as my rescuer. I resisted that urge to get male attention. Going to the staff still got me a lot of attention but I think I kept the drama as contained as possible and very importantly, still managed a good day’s work despite the interruptions.
Do I feel threatened? the staff person asked me. I honestly don’t know. As a recovering drama-seeker I find it very hard to know what to say. I’ve been self-harming and getting into scrapes my whole life trying to get someone to pay attention.
I’m kind of glad this happened because I was thinking that I owed the guy a talk and that maybe I could explain to him what boundaries were. Wouldn’t that be validating? Teaching a creepy guy how to be appropriate?
I hope I recount this story with some self-awareness – I just am frustrated to notice that I liked it so much when he did all this inappropriate stuff. Fortunately I’m now listening to the voice I used to ignore, that says, whoa – this is weird. I mean, I’m the woman who stayed with a guy from whom she had vibes of pedophilia.
Growing up, I was the “good girl” for not asking for anything, for not having needs, and for forgiving Daddy’s bad behaviour. It was hard today to feel good about myself through this.
Mag, I am a classic case of being overly tuned into, from birth, my father’s intensity, his moods and sometimes blatantly cruel behaviour. I may have been born with some predisposition to absorb drama (and its converse, thinking I have control over others), but it didn’t help that I grew up in all-year summer camp, emotionally. But I am really, really trying to stop this behaviour. I missed a few days of BR so I am not up-to-date with the ins and outs of the experiences you’ve been having, but I have found since really thinking about and being more disciplined with practising what Natalie has been saying – about grounding it all in yourself and being responsible for your own self-care – that the drama, naturally, becomes less enticing. It’s hard, for sure, and I also have days where I want drama because it feels nice and even safe, but once you practise saying ‘no’ to drama (even in small forms, like gossip or retelling stories in exaggerated forms), you’re also less likely to think that you caused the drama, that it’s somehow following you around, and that you’re somehow predestined to dysfunction because you control the world. Drama and control (and the ways in which they can make you feel, in fact, frustrated, unworthy and powerless) are related, is what I have worked out.
Magnolia, as ever I admire your honesty. I knew there was a Drama Seeker in there when you managed to experience Dynasty levels of drama in about 24 hours. Drama is *attention*. When we have had the childhood and even adult experiences that we’ve had, with crackerjack unavailable parents and pain in the arse ‘partners’, we start treating it like all attention is created equal. This means even bad, Relationship Crack induced, drama is attention and that makes you feel good. I know, because if I’m totally honest, I shifted very uncomfortably in my seat while reading your comment as you sound like me way back when.
There’s good, quality attention and then there’s crappy, dramatic attention.
As someone who had a drama a day like an apple for a long time in my life, it is weird for drama to be infrequent with it often coming from the same sources (people/situation). It is you though that has to address your drama seeking tendencies because there will always be twits like this guy.
Thanks Natasha, Grace, and Elle. Natalie, do you now experience the bad drama now as uninteresting? Or is it still ‘crack’ that you have to resist?
I’m on a low now; the crash from the passing of the drama.
What feels better, or makes one feel like one is actually valuable and cared for, than someone seeming to care if you are hurt? (My mom knows about this guy; I assume she told my father. As usual, radio silence from him – my distress means nothing. I don’t want to say anything nice for Father’s Day.)
“I just want someone to care !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” “Wanh!!!”
I’m still a little off-balance as this ‘twit’ was the first guy I’ve split a gut with laughing over things we both like. Even in the emails I’m not responding to, he says great things that make me laugh. I was so happy – for a brief moment – to think I was experiencing a ‘high’ that was actually a positive high.
I’d really like to know where to start to address this, because I am uncomfortable with this tendency. I especially detest this big pit of feeling alone as everyone who turned to look at my crisis now goes on with their lives.
Aha.
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-drama-reduction-12-step-programme/
For me, the bad drama has bad enough results that I don’t have trouble resisting it anymore! It kinda took me connecting the dots on my own behavior, i.e. I could say my ex-AC was a jerk until the cows come home, but if I didn’t look at why and how I engaging with him, I wouldn’t have learned a darn thing. As uncomfortable as it can be, sometimes just acknowledging the reality of the people we were involved with isn’t enough, we have to acknowledge our own part in it. I also had to work out how I got to this point (I had a great childhood, but I had some sh*tty relationships in my early 20’s that basically turned me into a dysfunctional – not to blame everyone but me, but that’s how it went haha!). I had to get verrrrrrrrry uncomfortable to address this stuff too, so I totally understand and, believe me, it’s worth it!
Spot on Natalie! You know how I knew I was really, really over my ex-AC? After I went NC, about a month later I heard through a random piece of gossip (totally accidental – he lives in the same area as some good friends of mine, very small city) that he’d gotten back together with yet another ex. I felt a little sad, but I didn’t really care or think that it said anything at all about me. They broke up for the 400th time, I still didn’t care. I didn’t even feel vindicated or anything – I just was like, “Big shocker. Who cares?” He tried to press the reset button with me. I didn’t care! I wasn’t flattered, excited or validated – just annoyed. A few months later I heard he was a jackass to basically every women he ever dated. I still didn’t freakin’ care! I finally got it through my thick head that whatever he does or doesn’t do, 20 years from now or next week, it doesn’t have jack to do with me.
Basically, what I’d done for 5 years was go faux-NC with him (and by faux-NC, I mean I’d stomp out of his life in a huff everytime he acted like an ass, not because I had any intentions of being done with him, but because I was trying to get him to respect me…I really put the “fun” in dysfunctional – it was totally ridiculous and exhausting). I’d done some work on my self-esteem before our last go-around, so there were boundaries (even though the fact that I’d even consider doing suck it and see with him after so many rejections made them basically moot to him, I’m sure), I asked concrete questions about why he wanted to get back together and whether he was intending for us to really get to know eachother and see if we were compatible enough for a real relationship, I waited to sleep with him, I did everything “right”. End result? Still sucked. This was who he was in spite of anything I did! Screw that index, it’s bullshit.
“Faux-NC” – I love it! I know just what you mean. But sometimes we have to go through that and see Mr. Assclown cross the line with some really outrageous behaviour before we finally get that these guys are attention-seekers and nothing more. They are not worth any self-respecting person’s time.
True story Jennie! If we’re on relationship crack, the assclowns are on attention crack. Neither is good for us!
natasha
NC is actually a sign of respect – yes, really, bear with me. by refusing to contact the MM and the ex-playa I am actually a) respecting the fact that MM is married and b) respecting the fact that the playa only wants to make the most limited contribution. If we contact people wanting them to do stuff which they don’t want to do (love us, validate us, turn up when they say they will), we are trying to manipulate them. Unfortunately, we usually come off worse. If he’s a MM, a playa, a self-pitying crybaby, an addict – let him be that. Don’t interact with him and then get annoyed with him for … being what he is.
And if he doesn’t contact you? For once he’s respecting someone else’s wishes and acknowledgding that his contribution to your life is worse than useless.
Do NOT get happy that a user is contacting you. He’s not telling you that you’re a great person, he’s telling you that he thinks of you as … usable.
Grace, you are so right! I still cringe when I think of how I’d basically do a victory lap around my apartment whenever he’d get in touch after I’d told him I was done with him. My excuse for participating in that foolishness boiled down to, “Well, he contacted me. I didn’t start it!” Ummmm, hello?! I was categorically incapable of getting real with myself, i.e. realizing that he was in touch because he wanted to use me. This guy was a grade-A, full blown jackass, but I’d use the MOST ridiculous justifications like, “Well, he’s not attached elsewhere/doesn’t hit me/tells me I look pretty/always spends lots of money on me.” Talk about missing the freakin’ point! It’s really highly embarassing, but, as Natalie says, the periodic cringe keeps us on the right path 😉
So true Grace, for a long time I thought NC was only about taking a stand for myself and detoxing. It wasn’t until many months later that I realized I actually had learned to respect myself (even though I had faked it til I made it on NC) and that by him finally not contacting me anymore meant that he was being truthful to who he was and respecting that the no commitment jig was up. It is absolutely no reflection on me not being good enough. In fact I would go so far as to say they realize that YOU’VE finally realized you are better than their BS and move along to the next target.
Faux-NC – brilliant term Natasha. The only reason why NC/breaking up should ever be done is to *break up*. Anything else is manipulation, game playing, and attention seeking. As you already learned, it just undermined your credibility with him so he just couldn’t take you seriously. In the end, you have to take *yourself* seriously.
Mmmmhmm! Basically, I desperately needed the BS Diet. I’d be like, “Well, I’m madly in love with him, but he has to learn that this kind of behavior is unnacceptable and me saying anything about it hasn’t done squat, so I’d better make my point by telling him to get lost. It’s obviously me not being tough enough that’s causing this, so I had better bounce to make my point.” Errrr, obviously it couldn’t have been that freakin’ unnacceptable to me (I was too busy minimizing to acknowledge the extent of it), because every time he turned up, I took him back! I read in one of your older articles that relationships like this become like standoffs and it really couldn’t be more true. And standoffs have nothing to do with love!
lesson learned, you can’t control anything and doing so will only delay the healing or moving on process. Though I’m guilty of keeping track on my ex through facebook and stuff from time to time , at least I have been sticking pretty well to NC and fighting my urge to call him when I “stumble” onto some information.
It’s no fun basing your life on people’s happiness / unhappiness its just like keep score of some silly game when your better off focusing on yourself and letting things happen naturally. Its no fun controlling or being controlled and when it gets to that point its best to just cut contact from each other because it isn’t healthy for both parties.
I’m not gonna say I don’t get curious from time and time again but at least I have gained enough self control to do anything drastic and impede my healing process.
I’m not sure how to get around this! I agree with you, I see it in all I do, AND I see it in those I date! I see it in the way I behave with my ex, about whom I continue to strategize (sp?) and manipulate hoping we’ll get back together in the relationship that I want, and whom I had to boot because of HIS attempted controlling of me (he wanted me when he wanted me, but wouldnt give up another relationship) with his corresponding lack of commitment. I see it in the guys I’ve tried to date since, when they try to control me to win me over (those NICE guys), but I’m pulling the other way …
Can any of us get around it, really??
Wow Natasha! 5 years is a long time to try and make it work with someone. Your comment helped me see that I would be wasting my time reconciling with my ex. He has been “trying” [I use the term loosely as no REAL effort has been made on his part to put together our relationship] to get back together with me since he threw me and our 5 month old baby out of his home. What was my crime? Well…I got upset when he’d get so drunk he’d pee in our closet…for the fifth time! The first 3 or 4 times I let it go. Get upset with him over anything? Not allowed. My punishment: get out or stay and pretend everything is sunshine and roses…all the time…or else. He acted like throwing me out with our new baby was no big deal…and that was something else I was not allowed to be upset or angry about. Everything was my fault…all the time.
Anyway, I wondered for months and months if there was something the matter with me that made him do it. What did I do to make him so cruel? How could he be so indifferent towards my pain after pushing me to have his baby and telling me he was going to love and honor me for the rest of my life. Yada yada yada. Natalie’s posts on how actions speak louder than words have really helped. I could spend the rest of my life trying to understand this man’s behavior. I’m finally getting to a place where I don’t care. Still haven’t heard he has a new girlfriend…but I don’t think it’ll bother me. I am starting to believe what all of our experience here at Baggage Reclaim is screaming: he was an assclown and will continue to be an assclown – it has nothing to do with me. I don’t need to go back and suck it and see to know that no matter how Stepford Wifely I behave…the relationship won’t work. I’ll leave him free to worry someone else…but if she ever wants to talk…I’ll be there to comfort her and tell her…NO…IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT! You’re not going nuts…you just got involved with a fraud.
Natasha (excellent name, btw 😉 ), I’m so sorry this happened to you. This guy actually sounds like he has some abusive tendencies – I mean, what kind of man DOES something like that? And does it because…you don’t want him to drink so much that he pees in the closet. Someone who “punishes” you for voicing valid, legitimate concerns in a relationship is someone to stay far, far away from. My advice would be to see a lawyer asap to work out how this jackass is going to contribute financially to your child’s life and to voice any concerns you have about his behavior. Good for you for seeing the light on this one (I’ve been there with this type of guy, so I know how hard it is, truly)! *Hugs*
Natasha & Natasha (reminds me a Woody A. film..) and others ,
Is it just me or…. Having two Natashas is a tad confusing, for my limited neuron capacity!
New Natasha/Natasha #2, could I kindly ask you to please add a number, or something, at the end of your name, to distinguish yourself from olde Natasha??
Danke schön!
Amazing how you do this to me every week. Was just talking with my therapist today about this very thing. I’ve gotten her to follow your site as well! My divorce of 11 years will be final next week and I’m losing it. We’re both emotionally unavailable, I’m trying to change, he’s not. “Why would I go to a therapist? There’s nothing wrong with me”. I initiated the divorce. He’s a wonderful guy–he’s good-looking, responsible, kind to everyone (even me most of the time), a goodish father, etc. Everyone thinks I’m nuts. He’s also passive-aggressive as hell and couldn’t have an emotional discussion if he was on fire and it would save him. No one can have negative emotions, everyone must be happy!! Anyway, I keep beating myself up brutally because I have committed the ultimate failure by getting a divorce and join the ranks of my other, less stable family members. Our divorce is very amicable–God Forbid we would fight or something. I have tried and cried and ranted and prostrated and rationalized and everything I can think of to get him to WANT TO CHANGE. To want to make even the slightest effort to keep me! To show me some kind of emotion!!! I’ll be rational for a few days, realize I’m only trying to “get back” my absentee father,but then fall right back in to thinking “There must be SOMETHING I can do! Something else I haven’t said or done or done in the right way!!How can I keep doing this with no CHANGE! What does it take?”. Deep down, I know that I don’t want him, I want what I want him to be, what I imagine he could be if he’d try–The Perfect Man. He’s got everything else. Yet somehow I keep doing this to myself. Next week’s final court date signals that I have failed triumphantly! Working on knowing that it has nothing to do with me….and that I am still lovable even if he can’t show me love.
Oh Lori, I know kind of how you feel. Thank you for reminding me how I made the right decision to get away from a pass-agg ‘nice guy’ EUM.
Lori
He sounds absolutely infuriating to be honest. You’re doing the right thing. You get one life, no point living it to please other people. After all, they’re not the ones who have to deal with the consequences. I’d rather be with someone warts and all than some Stepford Husband.
Lori,
Good for you! I don’t read your story as a “failed triumphantly’ account. Not at all. Passive-aggressiveness also drives me totally INSANE. I severed ties with male/female friends, and romantic relationships because of it.
Nat, your post is spot on, and again, so timely for me! A friend of 4 years is currently doing a Houdini on me.. Damn it! He was supposed to pay me a weekend visit (I’ve moved to a new city a few months ago) in a few days/or end of the month. We were finalising a date (either 17th June/30th June). I haven’t heard from him in 12 days (we call each other very regularly, almost daily). Very-out-of-character no reply to my brief text and two-sentence email, and not picking up his phone.. until I managed to catch him off guard once: His hasty reply: ‘Yeah, I’ve been very busy. I’ll call you later.’ (that was 2 days ago).
Yeah.
A few years back, and I would have indulged in an up, down, left, right, off the charts index drama-ton. Bleeding our last conversation to death, word per word: What I have said? Am I too demanding? Has he gone off me? Have I become boring? Is it because I is purple ? Oh I know! He must have thought I implied that he was a useless prick, when I said: ‘It’s yum, but needs a bit more salt (made up) …………………………………………..ad infinitum.
This time round, just a ‘hmm. what’s going on?’. Why doesn’t he simply tell me he’s changed his mind or something, instead of suddenly disappearing from the surface of the earth..
I’m not very impressed, and hope he comes back with a genuine excuse. Yet deep down my gut’s already churning a.. I bet it’s a case of ‘sorry, I can’t cope with the potential conflict that a ‘no’ might imply, and prefer to just act like a spineless coward/hide under the duvet, hands on my ears, hoping that you’ll eventually understand I don’t want to come visit you, or remain your friend. And if you keep harassing me for an answer, then I’ll avoid you even more, and at some stage, even call you stalky-Psycho friend, before cutting you off my life’.
Sorry, no time for shady behaviour. Step up, and treat me with decency. I’ll be quite sad, and grieve the loss, if he never gets in touch (chase no more), but depressed-off-the-chart believing the demises of my relationships are ALWAYS down to me (wrong lipstick, social strata, or bad joke)/ thus must rectify and control index, NO MORE.
Take it, or leave it.
Babbledom
Natasha, I just have to say that your comments have just made me smile from ear to ear. I need to hear that it’s possible for me to one day not give a damn. And to know in my head and in my heart that it truly is total bullshit. Awesome! Thank you!
You are very welcome Deejay 🙂 In the early days of NC, hearing the other ladies say that they couldn’t give a flying hoot what their exes were up to made all the difference for me as well! *Hugs*
I needed to read this today. I realise I do have that ‘index’ & subconsciously I let it rule my judgement in relationships. You’re right! We need to focus on our own index & not the other persons and stop trying to control what we have no control over. Sometimes I think I’m not good enough.. Maybe I’m too plump, too short, too busty, too brown, etc. and not realizing I am good enough the way I was made. A week ago, a picture of AC/EUM popped up in my twitter feed taken from a Memorial Day pool party & yep, it was him. Mr. I’m Too Busy/I’m Scared to start a commitment w/you because you’re far was living it up while I’m here thinking he was being honest. My index went through the roof! I texted him *smh* about it & no response. I’m really tired of the BS I’m putting myself through. Every little thing sends my index through the ceiling and it drives me nuts. This ties into a previous post on knowing & realizing when men aren’t interested. The signs & actions are clear, I’m just not grasping. I think its going to take me a while to detox this guy out my system. But yes, I’m going to focus on my index & stop letting him spike it. Easier said than done 🙁
You are saving my life one post at a time. God BLESS you.
All of this post rings true for me. Even now after almost 10 months and however many months of no contact he still affects my index. I look at this and think that I am not doing something right I have missed a step I don’t know what it is ?
One text from him and it has taken me two weeks to get past it. It actually did not send my index up but down. I am thinking you have spent so long pushing me away and now you are texting me telling me that you are down in the dumps.
Silly of me to think that I had the one eum that would not be in contact.
Today is the first day I felt good not chasing and following it up and knowing it is not my duty to make him feel better. Maybe thats why my index went down because I felt an obligation where one isn’t needed.
But I suppose I need to do more work on me where his communication doesn’t affect me either way.
Tulipa – I can completely identify with this, it’s how I feel right now. Especially the ‘missing a step’ sentiment – I am getting so frustrated! Keep wondering WHEN, after all this hard work, I get to feel better?!
I think that the ‘not caring’ is the key and I guess it’ll come if we keep pushing past it and keeping up the NC (or, in my case, the ‘as limited as I can possibly manage, you barsteward’) then eventually our brains’ll have no choice but to fall in line…
Natasha, I can relate to your last paragraph so much. I have approached my relationship with my on/off ex/boyfriend/friend/more than friend/etc. so many times in so many different ways. I have tried the ‘don’t you dare treat me like crap’ way when he was being disrespectful (I too thought that if I demanded respect, he would just adore me because I just gained my boundaries recently and wanted to flaunt them). I’ve tried the serious question route of ‘Do you really see us together?’ and ended up with some promises that were very quickly broken. I’ve tried the let’s jump into bed together, because maybe if I act like I don’t care, he’ll see how ‘fun and easy-going’ I am – how could he not want me then? I’ve tried the ‘go with the flow and just relax’, which is really his code for: I want to see what else is out there but still have you there, but make you feel guilty if you try and see what else is out there.
In the end, I don’t know why I hang on. I mean I’ve read so many posts on this website, can relate to every paragraph Natalie writes, and instead of doing something about it, I try and act ‘numb’ to it all and continue to fall in and out of a relationship that has caused me so many tears and disappointment. Yet I still am hooked on our ‘passion’ and ‘chemistry’ and ‘I want to be the girl – the exception’. At this point this falls on me, because I could walk. I don’t have to continue on in this dysfunctional relationship. I could deal with my emotional unavailability, deal with my ‘not good enough’ thoughts, build up my confidence, get back the spark I am missing in myself. But at the same time I think I can do all that, and still have him in my life. Then maybe he’ll see my strength and my ‘glow’ and make me the exception. I know, I know … why do I want this person right? When clearly I am not his priority. He just makes me feel like (sometimes) I am.
What a very very tough cycle to break.
You have a sister right here in New England that has shared the same situation as you. Be strong my friend. The cycle must break. I understand the difficulty, but the cycle must break.
“I’ve tried the serious question route of ‘Do you really see us together?’ and ended up with some promises that were very quickly broken.”
Australia, I know exactly how you feel! If you’re like me, you might have clung onto those promises as proof that he was capable of delivering on those things, but for whatever reason wouldn’t do it with you. I did the whole, “Well, he must want those things in his life, just not with me.” Errrr, not so fast! My point is, if you have some self esteem issues, you’ll take everything they do or don’t do as a sign that you’re falling short. Not true my dear!! Natalie has some excellent comments about how trying to get someone to respect you (they should just be, you know, DOING IT without you having to work so hard) is a waste of time – as you can tell from my comment, I second that whole-heartedly! It IS a really, really hard cycle to break – the highs/lows/what the f moments, but at the end of the day, it has nothing to do with us. Trust me when I tell you that really believing that will make a world of difference! I tried to do the whole “Well I’ll work on myself and therefor this thing will work out this time.” Not so much, because he hadn’t actually changed! You can’t put the onus of things working/not working on you, because there is another person right there with you, most likely doing every counterproductive move on the planet to ensure that things don’t progress. Keep working on recognizing how valuable you are and I think you’ll be very pleased with the results 🙂 *Hugs*
“You can’t put the onus of things working/not working on you, because there is another person right there with you, most likely doing every counterproductive move on the planet to ensure that things don’t progress. ”
Natasha, you write very well! You are so right about the counterproductive moves they do. I feel as though he wasn’t/isn’t even trying to open up, and yes I totally cling on to those undelivered promises and build this life in the sky, and think why not with me?? What am I doing wrong?? Am I not good enough?? What IS good enough for him?? Is the next girl going to come along and they’ll run off into the sky without her putting in any effort, while I am left depleted?? I’ve tried so many approaches, maybe at this point because of how long this has been going on, maybe he’s just lost all value in me? Maybe if I had walked away the first time?
Don’t worry I am not going down the path of self-blame. He did make promises, he did stick around, so it’s human nature to want to believe the best in people and that things will work out. I can’t regret loving someone, and trying.
At this point though, I do still have these glimmers of hope that he is trying. He does call alot, he does make an effort to see me. So it is hard to walk away from someone who is there (not emotionally!). Then again my gut is telling me this will never work. You will cry again. So just walk away. At the same time, maybe he just needs to ‘come around’ and open his eyes! You know I’ve tried so many approaches, the only approach I haven’t tried is to stay away from him. Maybe then he will realize what he lost. Maybe by then I just won’t care anymore? Maybe he will never see what he lost?
Anyways thanks for your replies ladies, they help so much.
Australia, I’m glad you enjoyed! I am 99% sure I got that statement came from one of Natalie’s other posts, but I’ll take the compliment all the same haha! I know exactly how you feel. To give you an example, when I first saw my ex-AC on this last go-around, he got one foot in my door and asked me out on an elaborate New Year’s Eve date. As the weeks went on, he’d tell me he was working on planning it, etc. However, needless to say this never happened…because he pulled a disappearing act at Christmas. He was a total jackass to me the last time I saw him (after I’d driven to make my very first visit to his town and meet his friends, mind you) and I was so screwed up about it that I was raking the whole incident over in my mind thinking, “What did I say? Oh, it must have been when I said this-that-the other. It’s all my fault.” Mind you, I chose to overlook that he was clearly uncomfortable with me meeting everyone and was quite drunk when I arrived. I also chose to overlook the fact that when I confronted him about how mean he was to me…he told me he was waiting for an apology from me for me being upset about it. Oy vey, talk about downward spiral time! As I was wailing about this to my mother, she said, “He never had any intentions of taking you out for New Year’s. He knew it would make him look good to say it. Even if he WAS intending on it, which I doubt, he would have panicked and found a way to worm his way out of it. He blamed you for this? Now shock me. This is called an asshole.”
As far as your EUM realizing what he lost, he has to get himself together and in touch with his feelings to really see that. There’s nothing you can do to make him get there, so it’s good that you’re using this time to work on your own self esteem (seriously, well done, I know how hard it is!). I have a feeling that once you’ve sorted out your own feelings, being with him won’t seem nearly as attractive. I really loved the part of your post about it being human nature to want to believe what people promise/want to love and be loved – to be honest, I’m still sort of beating myself up about that part of things, so thank you for that 🙂
Australia, I can totally relate to all of what you’ve wrote. I’m in exactly the same boat as you with a on/off ex/boyfriend/friend/more than friend/done NC/he cares, misses/I care, miss etc. I am totally exhausted with it all but can’t seem to edge far enough away to get myself ‘clean’ so to speak. These men are like drugs, an addiction. I’m ashamed to admit its mostly down to creation of my own unhappiness by not being strong enough to keep away when I know I should. I also try to act ‘numb’ to it all, like you trying hard to be all glowy, funny & confident. And yes ultimately trying to make myself an exception to the rule.
I’m currently in therapy, trying to work through the crap. Its definitely helping though it is early days. A technique I’ve just learnt it to carry a ‘thoughts diary’ with me & just jot everything down as and when. I want to feel like me again. I feel I’ve lost myself a fair bit. I’m fortunate I’ve lots of really good friends & family and I can keep myself busy every day of the week if I needed to but I find that’s tiresome too sometimes, its very difficult. Wish someone could wave a magic wand & make this better. I know the only way that will happen is when I decide its time to walk & keep walking. Hugs xx
Strawberry, I can relate to every word you wrote. We are not alone.
I am addicted to him, and the idea of us working out. I think he is addicted to me too, just in different capacities. Neither of us can let go, which also fuels the ‘we must be meant for each other’ idea. If only he would put himself out there and really try with me.
I have lost myself as well. When I think back 4 years ago, I was less tense, less anxious, did not care what others thought of me, was always very happy, less in my thoughts, more goal-oriented, more productive. I have changed. Part of me thinks that because I have changed, I have pushed away my ex/boyfriend/friend.
I need to get back the old me (I do like parts of the new me), but I need to do it for myself, not as an attempt to win him over. Maybe he will see the changes, maybe it won’t phase him. The important thing is for me to stop trying to please him, and change and morph for him. I need to get back to what pleases ME, because someone will love me for me.
We are not alone Strawberry. We need to hold our heads high, smile and not feel down on ourselves. Smile with me Strawberry!
Ok, this is offtopic, but l have never understood exactly the consept of *getting my things back from his/her house.* One thing is that if you have a wagon of stuff in his/her house, but making a huge business of getting that *ONE CD back (while he is at home)* or something similar caliber looks to me perfectly avoidable if NC is on the menu.
Actually it’s not off topic Ria – the possessions thing is a third party means of control. It’s trying to control their agenda and have an opportunity for access.
Totally agree.
Once time (…in EU band camp!..) after my EU did one of his (can’t talk about this, won’t talk about this) vanishing acts, I decided I wouldn’t be talking to him either – high index moment – ever again!!! (I was supposedly doing what I now know as NC – or faux-NC, as someone here aptly described). I kept up my ‘control’ for about four weeks, then caved, sent him a text asking if he wanted his stuff (shirt, socks and some books) back. I got a text back saying this:
“no thanx”.
You can imgaine what that did to my index – it hit the roof! – and why? Because he didn’t take the bait – he was not allowing me to control him – and, boy, was I mad! I am only now beginning to fully appreciate how at times my own behaviour was really quite unpleasantly and unfairly controlling and if I wanted a different man, than that is exactly what I should have been looking for – a different man!
Very true! In my case, it was a validation thing. I left a piece of clothing that had a lot of sentimental value at my ex-AC’s house, and I asked him to send it to me. He told me he wouldn’t send it back unless I apologized for telling him to get lost after he treated me badly yet again. Of course, there was no way in hell I was going to do that. Needless to say, I never saw the thing again. I had no desire to see him whatsoever, but I felt that if he sent it back, there might be a glimmer of decency in him and I wouldn’t have to feel so disgusted with myself for getting involved with him again!
Funny, the most recent guy who I was seeing (the beautiful alcoholic, uuggh) who became a little mean at the end of things (me too, the drama seeker if I am being honest) recently sent me a text that he had a pair of my socks ( expensive wool socks) that he wanted to drop by and asked if I was done talking to him for good or just needed time to cool off. I replied that some of his stuff was here also and that I would leave it out on my porch and he was welcome to come get it. I also offered to not be home when he did it. He sent back, “Whatever works, I guess, seems pretty complicated.” I replied, “Not complicated…do you want to talk or just come get your things?” He replied he needed time to think and would be in touch. Am I dreaming or did he just try to manipulate me, since he was the one who contacted me, then said he needed time to think. My index went a little haywire on this and I over processed it thinking, did I say the wrong thing or what? But in the end thought he was digging for a response, and it wasn’t the one he was looking for. I realized while in this relationship (5 months) that my self esteem was still low even after all the work I have done on myself and that I ended up with him because my head was in the sand. I also realize that I am still letting people dictate my self esteem and am giving others way too much power over my feelings. This is hard work. Sometimes I think my self esteem has grown but it doesn’t take much to shake it off balance, then my vision gets cloudy.
jenny
allow me to clarify. he sent you a text about your socks because he wanted to know if the door is still open for him to dip in and out at his convenience. Your reply suggested it was not. He tested you again. You offered “talk” and he got the impression that he was going to get a well-deserved bollocking rather than an ego stroke/attention/sex so he backed down. None of that should have any effect on your self-esteem but I do recognise that any contact with these clowns is usually detrimental which is why I never support it.
How much do you want these socks? Are they cashmere?
Jenny, it’s not that complicated to chuck his stuff in the trash. Keep to NC so you don’t have to analyze anymore texting mixed messages from this guy. Sounds like just a foot in the door and now he has you hanging onto his stuff with no closure still. Keep working hard at why your self esteem was low in the first place and uncovering your behavior patterns. When you learn to love yourself more and more it will get so much easier to see and stop yourself. You deserve so much better than this.
It’s not really that complicated to just throw his stuff in the trash. And just goes to show that if you stick to NC diligently then you don’t ever have to analyze anymore mixed messages. He wanted to see if the door was still open to you responding, and now he’s prolonged any closure as there is no end date and got you waiting for him again. Socks aren’t worth anymore of your mindspace. I’ll buy you new ones.
No new contact = no new pain.
Thanks guys. Just read your replies. The texting drama continued this morning with a similar outcome….him suggesting and asking when and where then backing off again and being all vague when I gave him a few options. He set me up. We have never been NC, as this is recent and I thought we could end things like adults. Apparently not. I don’t even want the socks but I did want him to get his things out of here. I didn’t know it was going to turn into this really, but now I know he is playing games at my expense to soothe his ego. We had issues but I never saw this coming. I thought he was more decent than that.
Jenny – i have written off items of jewellery in the past. My friend, who was dating a total assclown, left half her wardrobe at his place and never went back for it (after the dumb-arse very eloquently text ‘So… you want stuff?’). It is up to you to make the decision and it is a very simple one – to write off your things, or not to write them off? There doesn’t have to be any more drama than that.
I chucked all the ex EUM’s stuff, including his expensive sunglasses. If he wanted to get his things back, he shouldn’t have acted like such a wazzock.
This is why I get very jumpy about a lot of the dating advice out there from so-called experts who seem to have had a gazillion relationships and/or are divorced. Yes, I’ve had a gazillion relationships and am divorced too but at least I did learn the Games don’t work, they just make things worse.
I’ve pulled every trick in the book and I was quite good at it. I even got a commitphobe to marry me and then realised that once the Games were over, our relationship was quite (very) boring!
You both have to genuinely put yourself into the relationship. It’s not about following Rules, playing Games, Manipulating, Trying to Make them Do X,Y,Z, keeping tabs on who’s “winning”. Once you go down that route, it’s lost already. It’s already over, you’re just passing time.
I had this experience at a party recently – but in reverse! For once it was the other person thinking that *my* behaviour was a result of their actions. It was the end of the night and i was very tired, having woken up early that day to go and run some errands. The girl in question was way more drunk than i was – falling over drunk – and i was sitting quietly (and contently) in a chair, not really engaging with her and my other friends (who were singing at the top of their voices and hugging :)) because, as i say, i wasn’t in the same frame of mind as they were. The girl thought i was judging her, annoyed with her, and generally being a moody cow. I was tired!! I told her this, but she wouldn’t believe me – she was convinced that i was annoyed by her actions. I was actually annoyed by her assumption that i was annoyed and that it was all about her. I found it frustrating and i didn’t want to have to continually explain myself.
I saw, for the first time, what it must be like for guys when insecure women ask if something is wrong, what they are thinking etc etc, when they’re simply having a bad/quiet day. As for the assclowns of this world – not only are they not worth thinking about, but i am finally really getting it that they are how they are regardless and i have no right to expect someone to change for me. Who they hell did i think i was, that someone should change themselves on account of me? If someone expected me to change, i would be outraged! At the end of my EUM fiasco, all i wanted was for someone to love me for who i am. Warts and all.
It was a really amazing experience and really hit home that ‘it’s not always about you’. Thanks Nat for putting it into words so eloquently, as usual :).
Even though I’m sticking to NC with the ex AC, there’s still a part of me that feels I wasn’t good enough. A two year ‘relationship’ (if youcan call it that) where he blew hot/cold, disappeared, came back, asked me to marry him, then changed his mind 3 days later, but said he wanted a relationship, then would go silent for days with no phone calls or texts. Then he pushed for friends – which turned into FWB, then ‘friends again. We both wanted to go to an exhibition in London, so he asked me to book the tickets and travel and he’d pay for his. Never heard a word for the next ten days! I realised I’d been led up the garden path – again -as he was seeing two other women. I phoned (no reply) then texted that I was now out of pocket. No response at all. I can see that he is (was) just a user, but its hurtful to think that he thought he could treat me like that and just ‘dismiss’ me when it suited. I feel such a fool too. I can’t believe how someone can be so cold and heartless after 2 years. NC is the best way, but it bothers me that he isn’t bothered and that in fact I’ve made it easy for him by not contacting him.
Shattered
I’m here to tell you that you will get nothing from this person. You can stop waiting – hooray! You won’t get closure, you won’t get love, you won’t get friendship, you won’t get an explanation, you won’t get to be cordial acquaintances. All the NC, jedi mind games, love, patience, sex whatever in the world can’t get blood out of a stone.
And as for NC making it easy for him? From where I’m standing you weren’t exactly making life difficult for him before NC – sounds like he had a sweeeeet arrangement – sex and girl on tap! Well, no more.
Keep up the NC – for you to clear out the mental garbage. It’s not for his benefit. One day you won’t care. I’m at the stage where I can barely remember why I cared. In fact, I often read the posts here and ask myself “Why does she care so much?! This guy is worth squat” And I’m someone who needed two rounds of counselling, medication and over three years to get over my ex!
Forget the money, if you’re not careful, you’ll just be using that as an excuse to stay invested.
Recognizing that I have weak boundaries and could backslide I have always enforced strict NC with exes, even the ones with whom I had healthy relationships. Maybe I take it too far but people are either in or out of my life; there are a lot of people in the world who might like to be in so why bother with people who opt out? NC is doubly important with EU people as even casual contact can start me measuring my ‘index’.
Facebook seems like a huge problem with few benefits. I have never used it and never will. I want to have real relationships with real people in the real world and have no interest in living ‘virtually’. Real life is complicated enough.
Another amazing post. You are a life raft in the ocean of assclown drama I’ve been in for nearly 9 years. 60 days no contact today. Thank you, Natalie.
Re Marilyn
Nat, “You are a life raft in the ocean of assclown drama”
I concur!
These are the best relationship articles and advice I have read in a long time!
After going through a seperation after 17 years, this has made me see it wasn’t my fault. After making me feel like there was something wrong with me, checking out every woman in sight, telling me to change/lose weight/read more/make friends…
When I thought I was doing everything to make him happy it just wasn’t enough.
As you can imagine this left me with the lowest self esteem ever and on anti depressants.
If someone is so adamant for you to change the problem lies with them for not accepting you for you. Time to move on!
I can relate to this index in many areas of my life (although it doesn’t plummet as much anymore). A recent example was a man I used to work with a while ago. I didn’t really want a relationship with him but wouldn’t have minded a shag. BUT since I’m more traditional when it comes to men (having a man make the 1st move, etc.), in addition to being an introvert, nothing happened: he didn’t make a move & neither did I. It made me feel like shit, to be honest; my self-value on the index plummeted below zero. But then I realized 2 things:
1. I let other people put WAY too much pressure on me. There are other people who are more concerned with who ISN’T in my bed than I am; they think that there’s something wrong with me because I’m not hopping from bed to bed (or don’t have anyone hopping into mine). This led to
2. I put WAY too much pressure on myself.
I decided I should actively block people from putting pressure on me based on what THEY think I should be doing with whom, and just relax. I take responsibility for my own issues; however, putting outside pressure on me won’t help. 😐 I moved almost a year ago; why should I be that concerned about men/dating instead of getting settled in & then meeting GENUINE people who can become acquaintances & friends?
Ever since I decided to not focus on that (I can’t believe I let the index fall that low because I’m not even boy/man crazy!), I’ve felt so much better. I’ll always be a work in progress because it’s a lifelong journey; however, I’m almost always focused on my inner self, and have now added losing weight & my upcoming trip as foci 🙂
Classic point on post for me today…MM (who I have instituted low contact with because of obvious reasons) emails me yesterday and says his son is in the hospital being checked out….of course the sucker (but mostly caring person that I am) replies and sends well wishes etc, thinking about you etc….I am not married to him and he doesn’t owe me anything but do you think MM would have the decency to give me an update? Obviously I care about if his son is ok – and he decided to tell me but why did I need to know? and why can’t he manage to give me an update on his condition. Is not inquiring on my part insensitive at this point? this is a clear case of where no contact should have been instituted and I should never have responded yesterday! Talk about trying to control someone and someones feelings by bringing me into this and then not updating me!
He updated you for his own sake, not his son’s. He wanted sympathy for himself. Does his son know you? If not then there is no need to ask for an ‘update’ – you’ll be caring about the MMs feelings rather than his son’s. It’s the MM that’s getting the benefit of your concern, not the son.
Pull back and don’t contact anymore. The MM has had the ‘thinking of you’ which is all he wanted, to soothe him in a time of stress, he doesn’t care about what you need, hence him not updating you. The guy is a parasite. Flush!
@ emlaw
Actually, it seems that YOU are the one who is trying to control the uncontrollable. MM doesn’t give you the update/attention you believe you merit = index sliding. As NML says: “Nobody else should be directing or influencing your worth or your life other than you. This is the same for everyone else, so you need to get on with assuming responsibility for yourself and leave everyone else to do theirs.” Take control and institute NC. “Low Contact” is simply going to prolong the agony and may be a way to try to continue managing MM.
EmLaw
You can be concerned for his son as you would be for any other human being but you don’t have a special place in the boy’s life. He doesn’t know you exist. His mother would not be happy to know that her husband is texting you about their son. It is hard, and may feel heartless, but you need to ignore those texts. Seriously, if it was THAT important to the MM that you share this, he would call you or meet you. A text is little more than fishing, to see if you’re going to bite. You bit. He doesn’t feel the need to update you because, to be brutal, you’re not part of his family. He may even be using this situation to manipulate you now that he sees you disappearing off his radar. He may not be doing it subconsciously but I can imagine him thinking “I feel bad. But wait, this will get em’s attention!”
Silence is not insensitive. Insensitive would be to assume you’ve the right to know what another woman’s child is going through. He’s got a mother. Draw a boundary around it and don’t overstep. This is the very hard part of being the OW, you don’t get to know how the kids are doing, how his parents are, what his friends are up to. You belong in your box. If you’re not satisfied with that (and you shouldn’t be) walk away, don’t let yourself be dragged back in.
The child is not going to be any the worse off because you don’t know what’s happening.
I am not trying to control the uncontrollable at all….I cared/care deeply about him and knew that his two kids were his world. My bad for being vunerable…you are soooo right Minky….”MM has had the ‘thinking of you’ which is all he wanted, to soothe him in a time of stress, he doesn’t care about what you need, hence him not updating you” – he is looking out for #1 as always. Thanks for letting me see that MM would be the sole receipient of my concern so I will chalk it up as another lesson in the big scheme of things.
Like the post says he had his own agenda… I didn’t do anything to provoke it or influence his behavior…just managed to have yet another beating my head up against a stone wall session thinking I would be worthy of an update but no…that does not fall within the realm of an other woman benefit and I completely accept that that is exactly why no contact might be the only way out of this for me.
NC is definitely the way to go. It’s like giving up smoking – you either give it up, or you don’t. Some people cut down before they quit (as you have done), but you cannot say ‘i am a non-smoker’ while having a sneaky ciggie every day.
You must think of yourself and put yourself first. Make a list of all the ways you would benefit from not having the MM in your life, and then list all the benefits he gives you at the moment. I bet the first list will be ten times longer than the second list. It sounds like you are not getting any benefits from being with the MM other than occasional (and i’m guess rapidly diminishing) highs. In a proper relationship, you have someone in your life who puts you first, who always does what they say they will, who is your partner in all things, who you can ring whenever you want (even to tell them something random and silly that has made you laugh), you feel relaxed all the time, you never doubt that they want to be with you and you can always rely on them to be there for you as much as you are for them. Wouldn’t you rather have that one day, rather than what you’ve got now? If so, then you have to make the necessary changes and steer your own ship. Best of luck to you and massive hugs :).
Thanks Minky – How many times are you wonderful people going to have to tell me this. I want happiness for myself I really do I just can’t seem to break this addiction/hold he has over me and for no good reason at all. I am so ashamed to admit I put up with this treatment – he has such control over me and my behavior and its sooo humiliating. I have to draw boundary lines around me and not let anyone in who able to produce respect and value id cards!
However by stepping back and looking at the big picture today I am in fact trying to control the uncontrollable – maybe not in the situation with his son but with the affair as a whole. He has been unavailable from the start (MM) – but I tried to control that and he didn’t help by future faking, blowing hot and cold and playing the high school sweetheart card. I am powerless and at his mercy until I decide to choose me and now I see why no contact is the way to go! I have been endulging in a few ciggie breaks but that needs to come to an end because nothing ever changes it is the same pain just all over again.
The list is a good idea; though I’d be curious to know what “real” benefits anyone could possibly come up with. I like how Nat explains that one of the things that keeps us in these worse than useless and and fruitless involvements is the perceived rewards we get for loving them soooooo much. It’s the giving of love linked to the crumb index! Like, ‘the more I loooove him the more he will reward me with a crumb or two – and his crumbs make me feel soooo fab!! and make it all soooo worth it!’ Our expectations have been managed down so effectively, we have normalised what is in fact a dreadful situation and a crumb from his table is the same as a whole loaf to us. But all we’re doing is pouring our “love” water into a bucket with a hole in it.
The rewards (the feel good factor) we get (as Nat explains) when we get his attention feels like a whole loaf to us when all a “normal” person sees (including the MM and the EU, by the way) is crumbs. “He” wouldn’t be settling for it! I say this is why being the OW (or EU involved) is downright impossible to justify to your family and friends (we don’t want to talk about it – we just hope folk haven’t noticed what’s really going on – because it’s way too humiliating – and that should tell us the whole story!)….As Nat says (somewhere) when he throws us a crumb it does not turn into a whole loaf in transit…. all other folk see (including the MM and the EU) is you settling for crumbs and they cannot fathom what on earth you have done with your self-respect – all folk see (a la Nat) is your avoidance, denial and low self esteem.
I could barely handle the “looks” I’d get from my friends when the EU was mentioned… I long since stopped even trying to justify anything. I didn’t talk about him. Full stop. But when I realised that the man I was involved (Mr EU) must, of course, also see that I was bereft of self-respect – that I was the woman who would settle for a crap arrangement like this… that is when my sense of pride and self-preservation really started to kick in. The whole thing is bad enough without him too recognising that I placed no value on myself. That’s why I know I am done with it. Cos I am not having that. If nothing else makes it a pointless venture – that does! So, no, actually I may have been the woman who settled for a crap arrangement like that – but I am not that woman any more!!
As usual, this is right on. One of the hardest lessons I’ve ever had to learn is that I simply can’t control anyone but myself. That’s hard for a control freak to come to terms with! 🙂 Once I really embraced the concept though, a lot of things became easier to deal with. Sure, others can still hurt me, but by letting go of their behavior, and focusing on how I deal with it in a way that is best for me, the damage doesn’t seem to be as enduring.
The good old up and down cycle. I’m good when they’re good to me and I’m bad when they’re not. Honestly, I can’t think of a single person in my life that does not go up and down like that depending on what someone outside of them is doing. I came into this world with “crackerjack parents.” And it IS drug like, the up and down thing. I can tell there is some chemical thing that goes on inside me when I get that high and that low.
Again the EUM, which I am still working on keeping NC because of the whole up and down index (exhausting!!), emails me some info about an upcoming event. I figure at this point he’s just trying to be “friendly” but it causes my insides to do the up and down, up and down, up and down. Is there a switch somewhere that I can turn it off forever?? Generally, I can quit talking to someone after we’ve gone our separate ways. This whole trying to keep things “cool” at work is just……well…….what is the point? I hardly have to talk to the man unless it is work related or shoot me if I give in to a weak spot, so why the random stuff? If there is no purpose to talk then why do it? The better question is why I let it take hold of me even if a little and I go on the elusive high. This time I did not ask about it or respond. I don’t understand him and am inching toward the day when I am free of it. Getting closer. I keep finding something to distract me or find something else to do.
Natalie, Thank you so much for this blog. Strangely I have reached the point where I no longer need to come here as I did before. I feel odd about it. I suppose this means that I graduated…wow.
On a personal note, I am going back to school this August. Provided I do well and my g.p.a. is one of the highest of the applicants (only so many spaces and competitive) I should enter the accelerated nursing program in May following the 2 semesters (this Fall and next Spring) where I complete all pre-req’s…I am excited!
I think I’m ready to date but it will be some time before I do so b/c of the schooling. I have to put my focus there; however, it’s a choice I am willingly making.
Thank you for all of your help!
Take care of yourself!
Hugs for all time!
Leisha Monet
Leisha, re. your comment to me on Nat’s previous post, thank you! 🙂
I’ve really enjoyed reading you. Your comments will be sorely missed!
Best of luck with exciting new endeavour..
x
Lucyd
Lucy and all of you…I’ll still be looking in…love to all!
Leisha
Forgot to mention:
I’m not a fan of keeping track of past (real or pseudo) exes – checking Facebook, gossip, pictures, blogs, etc. How do you ladies (and men?) do it and not feel sick to your stomachs? 😐 Even someone casually mentioning a (real or pseudo) ex would give me the creeps. I don’t want to see or know anything. It’s not so much jealousy as it is my index plummeting below zero & self-preservation for me to stick to my form of “don’t ask, don’t tell” and NC for those exes who deserve it (and that’s just about all of ’em).
How in the world do you do it? 😐 I prefer having a happy stomach. 🙂
I admit I have been keeping tabs of my ex and his new gf (who happens to be an old ex friend of mine) and it does make me sick and gives me headaches and helps me ruminate. Which is why I’m not looking into it anymore (even though today is hi B-Day) for my own sake and hence that I promised my therapist not to do it since I need to start focusing on me more.
I think the reason I do it is because I see how happy he is with her according to her tweets and blog and I feel miserable that with me he was a total ass and even mentioned to me that he always thought I was with him for the sex even after I told him I loved him. It’s all a matter of low self esteem that I am really working on improving!
Karina,
He said he always thought you were just with him for the sex? That’s rich. Truly it is. More likely, it was his reason for being with you, and so he turned it around.
My ex-AC pulled that same stunt on me. Not about sex, but attacked my character in a way that was so way off base, that I was just stunned. And when he made his accusations, all I could think was that I should be the one to say those things to HIM, not the other way around! But the sad fact is, some of the stuff he would say to me would have me feeling insecure and questioning myself, and even apologizing! But when he questioned my integrity, that was the “aha” moment for me, because I knew without a doubt that he was wrong on that one.
That is when I realized the game. Whether they play it knowingly or not, they are most likely projecting their stuff onto you. It’s interesting how they will up the ante each time…see what they can get away with. Then they do or say something so outrageous, you can’t help but catch on.
As for the new girl’s tweets and blogs? Puh-leeze!! It’s nothing more than relationship P.R. I notice that the people who are genuinely happy/rich/good at sex/nice/honest/etc. don’t have to continually remind everyone else. They just are.
Thanks for sharing Karina & ICanDoBetter. Some words of wisdom for those of you who seek out information:
An assclown a day does NOT keep the doctor away.
(keep your self physically & emotionally healthy by staying away from their fake displays of everything)
Thanks so much ICanDoBetter and Spinster! It is so true what you ladies say and yes I know about the tweets being PR, but they still sting. I just hope that NC does me well this time and I can finally move on and stop trying to gauge some sort of interest from him or her!
ICanDoBetter,
He also questioned my character as well as beliefs and values. He was not good for me at all and he even told me about this girl an said “it’s not like I left you for a friend, you dumped ME”….as if that makes it ok anyway. This is a guy who made fun of me to his mom when I was late to a celebration by making the most racist comment ever “she’s late because she’s black AND hispanic”. Why I’m so hung up on him and her and their perceived happiness is something I am trying to figure out, but I’ll make it through much better an happier with myself!
Ugh … this one made me feel like s–t. 🙁 May have just painted a portrait of me with this one, Natalie.
That being said – I think it is a good sign. The fact that I can “see” what you are saying – totally get it and hate it, but I’m not arguing with myself about it. It is what it is. A big load of crap that I chose to wallow in for a very long time.
I read this and honestly saw how much time, effort, self-esteem … everything! that I wasted on this. I was trying to control this situation all along. The AC even said so once in the very beginning. I thought (I think?) that I would just hand control over to him and then feel better. That just made me out-of-control and I hated myself for it – and him. It just grew and grew.
Now at least, I’ve given up the control. I’ve tossed it. I don’t want it. It feels bad. I don’t want to even lay eyes on this guy again. It makes me feel soooo incredibly stupid and weak. … it’s happening!
Oh I was there! And finally out although I have my bad days too (NC 3 months now) I DID think that his behaviour was relative to mine, and that when he’s hot it’s because I did something and when he’s pulling away I’ll be thinking “noooo I must do something to change this” ugh the most ehausting and disturbing roller coaster of a relationship.
I still can not decide if my ex is an AC, he DOES suddenly disappear, for days because he got “upset” about something that I said, throughout the relationship I would think it was all my fault, I would keep my mouth shut when I was wronged because guess what he doesn’t like talking about “it” and if I did I’d be punished by him disappearing..
In the relationship he wasn’t mean or rude he was nice but he didn’t give enough he’d ALWAYS give less than me, always, in everything..
I have a question, are those ACs caable of love? What was it that kept them in the relationship to start with, why would someone lie to you about loving you just to make you feel bad about yourself and shatter your self esteem? I don’t get it
Rawan,
I totally get you. My soon to be ex is the quintessential nice guy! Everyone thinks he’s just wonderful! He never really physically disappeared (he’s too responsible), but emotionally just “left the building”. I don’t think it matters if you can label that guy as an official AC, he’s no good for you and that’s that. It’s hard to accept that you don’t magically influence everyone’s behavior! As to are they capable of love? I think my ex-spouse can love to a certain extent and that’s it. It was the hardest part to deal with—can I accept the 50-60% of the pie he’s offering? Why should I want more? He’s a “perfect guy” sans fits of rage over trivial crap. I think he does love me the best way he knows how, it just doesn’t translate into how I want and need to be loved. He’s the stonewall king! His thought process is so bizarre our marriage counselor was looking at him like, “What?” In the end, I think it does us no good to even wonder about their capacity for love or what their motivations are–it leads to telling ourselves stories and making excuses and refusing to see them for what they are. Perhaps someone else would be happy with 60% or with a pitiful effort….I’m not and y0u shouldn’t be either.
I totally agree, by the end of the day, do WE really need someone who is only capable of giving us 50% love? It was never my dream to be with someone so cold and so careless, and until when was I gunna keep up with that BS? Does he really seem like the guy I wana spend the rest of my life with? i always forget to ask those questions to myself, whenever I think of him i think if HE loves me if HE wants to be with me, and I absolutley forget about if ME wants to be with him, and the answer is not really, I couldn’t keep up with disappearing acts till forever, it just HAD to end.. and lucky me I wasn’t the one who pulled the plug so I’ll never have questions of “if I gave him a chance maybe he would’ve changed”.
I was 18 when I got into that relationship, I had absolutely no clue about relationships, boundaries, self esteem..etc, and then he came into my life little by little started disappearing more, treating me worse being more careless and instead of thinking wth i’m out I started thinking “wow he must be really special, he must be a prize to have, his standards must be so high, if I’M not that fulfilling to him he must be really great..etc” the relationship would make me feel so terrible about myself , his disappearing acts were so so hurtful to me and he didn’t seem to care, I felt like I was on life support, every now and then he messes with plug and pulls it, but really until I came to this blog I had no idea that NO he isn’t doing that because he’s special he’s nothign special the world is filled with jerks like him, his actions were EXACTLY like the actions of ACs of girls around here, it seems like they all went to the same school of assholery or something, he uses the same tactics and the same mind fucking techniques that natalie wrote about here, it was SO amusing to read! I learned so much! Ali you are NOT THAT SPECIAL, YOUR A JERK AND THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF JERKS LIKE YOU IN THIS WORLD 🙂
Yes, good article Natalie – thanks. I see now that I was (frustrated) trying to control (fruitlessly, of course!) the EU’s levels of interactions (or contact, whatever..) with me because it was his level of interaction and contact that either raised or lowered the way I felt about myself. I think though I did start – a while ago now – and thanks to Nat for sorting my head out – increasingly over a long time, see how vacant it all was, that he was not in any way a reliable or valid index for me anymore anyway. When you don’t rate his “opinion” of you and start rating your own; his opinion stops being a problem for you, and you are less and less interested in his ‘level of interaction’, cos it tells you nothing about you – and everything about him! So he can just piss off (cos that’s what he does for a livin’ anyway) and stay there! Yay!
Thanks for this Natalie, great introspective post. I can completely relate to the index and you have put into coherent words what I have been feeling for a while now – how emotionally draining and exhausting the highs and lows of ‘relationships’ with the wrong kind of men can be. What i wanted to comment though, is that because of the damage done, I now feel that even dating the apparently ‘right’ kind of men can also be emotionally draining after you’ve been through an AC/EUM experience.
After going out on 3 dates over 3 weeks with a new guy 2 weeks back, I realized that the new stress for me was trying to figure out: ‘do we share values… is he respecting my boundaries… am I placing boundaries… am I chasing the za za zu – no I am not but is my lack of attraction towards him a sign that I am still chasing the zzz… i don’t like his accent, share his political views, some of the things he said point to a judgmental personality but am i placing too much emphasis on the wrong things…remember remember! dating is a discovery phase so stay calm and don’t over analyze…oh no! he only disclosed the fact that he has a child after 3 dates and having known him for a while socially before that and he is not very clear on the status of his relationship with the baby mama red flag! red flag! (or is it amber??? I don’t know, re-read BR tonight and double check!!) etc etc etc.
Anyway, basically after 3 weeks of dating him I just decided it was all too much for my still sore head (having been recently thoroughly mind fucked by an AC) and decided to stop seeing him as I have concluded I am just not made for this whole dating/relationship thing. My new thinking is that you can’t be good at everything in life, I am very successful at my career and have built a great business, have loving and close relationships with family and friends, but have not in my 35 years, been able to have a proper committed relationship with a decent, honest, emotionally available man. So, I have decided to leave the whole thing, embrace singledom for the rest of my life, and since doing this I have been so calm, so content and so focused on other productive aspects of my life and I can’t believe how freeing this new mind set has been for me. I can actually say for the first time in a long time, I feel content and happy.
I’ve probably gone off topic, but my…
sumumu: “…So, I have decided to leave the whole thing, embrace singledom for the rest of my life, and since doing this I have been so calm, so content and so focused on other productive aspects of my life and I can’t believe how freeing this new mind set has been for me. I can actually say for the first time in a long time, I feel content and happy.”
Natalie probably wouldn’t wish for you to be single for the rest of your life (but who am I to talk because I embraced that a VERY long time ago, well before finding this blog); however, I feel the same way. I’m never boy-crazy, which is why I can’t believe that I became that way for a short period of time, and ridding myself of the pressure felt/feels great. That’s what I was trying to say in my 1st comment but you said it so much better than me. Thanks. 🙂
I’m gonna read this article all the time. And Natalie, this is an issue you should keep tackling! Because many of us, myself included, fall into this trap. Many times I’m told that certain men, assclowns included, and, obviously, my ex included, will become Mr. Perfect when they find the right woman. Therefore, I could be inclined to believe that “I wasn’t good enough for him”, and this is why he treated me in a strange way, and didn’t commit to a stable relationship with me. And then, we may be inclined to ask ourselves why we are not good enough: maybe I’m not thin enough (I’m a size 12 in UK sizes 😛 ), maybe he thinks my nose is funny and I might need plastic surgery, maybe I’m not as rich as him, etc. etc. Yes, in my pessimistic moments I came to think this bullsh*t. :-/ But I try to convince myself that a valuable person would love me as I am. After all, if it hadn’t been HIS own issues, he would have probably been in a SERIOUS relationship with some top-model. But, given the fact that he’s not, I guess it’s not me, it’s him. And I also believe that if someone genuinely doesn’t consider the other person good enough for them, they would simply STAY AWAY from them. No flirting, no kissing, no hooking-up. Never, ever! This is what I do if I’m not interested in someone. And peobably this is what you do, or many other BR readers. But unfortunately, not many people think like that…
In my relationship and dating journey I have been through every type of emotion, it has literally been a rollercoaster ride. From being a constant heart breaker and my ex taking my daughter to the other side of the world from me, to being cheated on by my first true love.
In fact, we did get back together and are still going strong. When my ex cheated on me, I decided to end it. The problems that occurred after were the questions going round and round in my head “am I good enough,” “what else could I have done” All sorts were going through my mind.
My girlfriend fought hard to get me back and when we got back together, I asked her “where was your mind when we broke up she replied, ”I have hated myself every minute. I couldn’t eat, sleep or even go out.” At that moment I felt both of us were in that “index” place, which changed everything.
The funniest thing is, I took a log of everything that happened, from how she was feeling, what she did and how I reacted and what I said to her. The important thing I will never forget is, I will always be in control of what I can control.